Riffs from the Cutting Room Floor, Episode 02
Oh to be Old Again [Chapter 1]
Hey, paisanos! It’s TheAuthorGl1m0 here, once again! Since the first riff I did went well enough (even though it was only my first, and it may have sucked), I figured I’d come back for another. Today’s story is one that the author himself actually wanted to have riffed (well, it was more of a request given to Fallen Prime that I kind of intercepted, since he’s busy and all, so…).
And thus, I present to you my riff of Chapter 1 of “Oh to be Old Again”, by Minalkra! As for the story itself, it’s your usual HiE self-insert, with a bit of a twist, and despite a few HiE clichés and facepalm-inducing moments it makes for some rather amusing reading IMHO. You can find the original and unriffed version here, which I would go ahead and recommend reading without the candid commentary. I mean, you could CERTAINLY do a lot worse when it comes to HiE.
On a side-note, this is also where my riffing canon actually starts to get underway. Think of these first two riffs as "prologues". Yep, there'll be a lot of hazing in my future... So, let's get it over with, shall we?
And thus, I present to you my riff of Chapter 1 of “Oh to be Old Again”, by Minalkra! As for the story itself, it’s your usual HiE self-insert, with a bit of a twist, and despite a few HiE clichés and facepalm-inducing moments it makes for some rather amusing reading IMHO. You can find the original and unriffed version here, which I would go ahead and recommend reading without the candid commentary. I mean, you could CERTAINLY do a lot worse when it comes to HiE.
On a side-note, this is also where my riffing canon actually starts to get underway. Think of these first two riffs as "prologues". Yep, there'll be a lot of hazing in my future... So, let's get it over with, shall we?
TheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “And… then… they… kissed…”
Applejack: Uh… what are you writing?
Gl1m0: NOTHING! (crams paper under desk) Just… never mind! Since when did I invite you back inside here, anyway?
AJ: What, Ah’m not allowed to go where Ah please? Is that it?
Gl1m0: N-no, I was just…
AJ: And for the record pal, Ah was invited here.
Gl1m0: By… who?
Pinkie (on TV): Hi Applejack!
Gl1m0: I should have guessed… So, what’s the deal here Pinkie? Are you gonna make us do another one of those stupid--
(The doors and windows all shut and lock.)
Gl1m0: …of course.
AJ: Well, honestly, I didn't have anything better to do today... so Pinkie asked me to do another story riff with you.
Gl1m0: How sweet of her. But mark my words, she won't be having her way with me after this...
Pinkie: I’ve got a real doozy of a story for you two today! It’s a story about a human waking up in Equestria as a pony--
Gl1m0: There are literally a million of those fics out there, you know. How is this any different?
Pinkie: You didn’t let me finish! He wakes up in Equestria… but let’s just say that something is really unusual about it this time!
AJ: Ah’m not sure if Ah really want to know…
Gl1m0: Well, we’re probably bound to figure that out anyway.
Pinkie: Soooo... Here it comes, fellas! "Oh to be Old Again"!
AJ: I've never been one to judge a book by its cover, but...
Gl1m0: I have a bad feeling about this.
Applejack: Uh… what are you writing?
Gl1m0: NOTHING! (crams paper under desk) Just… never mind! Since when did I invite you back inside here, anyway?
AJ: What, Ah’m not allowed to go where Ah please? Is that it?
Gl1m0: N-no, I was just…
AJ: And for the record pal, Ah was invited here.
Gl1m0: By… who?
Pinkie (on TV): Hi Applejack!
Gl1m0: I should have guessed… So, what’s the deal here Pinkie? Are you gonna make us do another one of those stupid--
(The doors and windows all shut and lock.)
Gl1m0: …of course.
AJ: Well, honestly, I didn't have anything better to do today... so Pinkie asked me to do another story riff with you.
Gl1m0: How sweet of her. But mark my words, she won't be having her way with me after this...
Pinkie: I’ve got a real doozy of a story for you two today! It’s a story about a human waking up in Equestria as a pony--
Gl1m0: There are literally a million of those fics out there, you know. How is this any different?
Pinkie: You didn’t let me finish! He wakes up in Equestria… but let’s just say that something is really unusual about it this time!
AJ: Ah’m not sure if Ah really want to know…
Gl1m0: Well, we’re probably bound to figure that out anyway.
Pinkie: Soooo... Here it comes, fellas! "Oh to be Old Again"!
AJ: I've never been one to judge a book by its cover, but...
Gl1m0: I have a bad feeling about this.
Have you ever woken up somewhere you don't recognize?
Gl1m0: Well, there was this one time, at band camp--
AJ: Don’t… just don’t.
I have, once before. There was a very strange party thrown together by my aunt, you see, and … actually, in the interest of not making half of my audience run away screaming,
AJ: Wouldn’t really matter much pard, seeing as how we’re locked in here.
Gl1m0: Speaking of which, I really need to figure out how to hack the door lock mechanism…
let's just say I woke up with a massive headache and a rather upset wife. And the sheep, oh god the sheep.
Gl1m0: “There was… wool… everywhere… It was so… fluffy…”
This time was not all that different, discounting the screaming. And that blasted sheep.
AJ: Ya just can’t trust those dang sheep sometimes.
Headache? Check. Dry mouth? Check.
Gl1m0: Reading a cheesy fanfic?
AJ: Double check.
Upset stomach? Check. Beeping? Uhm, that one is new.
AJ: Somepony strapped a bomb to him! Quick, run!
"That musta been one hell of a party," I groaned, trying to open my caked-shut eyes.
Gl1m0: Pinkie, did you throw cake at the nice man’s face? He can’t even open his eyes!
Pinkie (from TV): Of course not! …Wait, which party was this again?
AJ: The one involving the sheep.
Pinkie: Ohhhh… then yeah, I probably did.
With a wince, I managed to open them only to slam them shut again with a strangely high pitched cry. Light, ever the bane of the hungover. Still rubbing my eyes, I heard a distinct clop-clop-clopping sound
Gl1m0: Oh god no, nonononono please not a clopfic anything but a--
of something hard striking the floor.
Gl1m0: …Oh. You meant clopping as in… hoofsteps? Ah, right…
AJ: Yer sick, you know that?
Gl1m0: You can’t blame me for arriving at that conclusion! I’ve seen some shit in my time…
"Oh good, he's awake."
AJ: “Now we can finally get started making cup—”
Gl1m0: Please don’t drag Cupcakes into this…
Squinting against the light, I could see a white blur approaching wherever I was laying. As it got closer, it became more defined and I couldn't help but feel my jaw almost dislocate from the shock. Now, I have to say right here and now: I am a Brony.
Gl1m0: … (Facepalm)
AJ: Ah, geez… It’s one of those kinds of stories, isn’t it?
Pinkie (on TV): Just keep reading!
I'm a bit on the 'old' side as Bronies go though not the oldest. Still, I hit the triple decade mark a bit ago so I guess that makes me one of the older ones of that fandom.
Gl1m0: …Okay, I’m gonna go and try to hack that door now. (Gets up and walks away.)
Pinkie (on TV): Oh, he’ll be back.
And, as all old farts will tell you, I've seen a bit in my time.
AJ: “Why, when Ah was yer age…”
Never something that could prepare me for this though.
(A loud ZAP is heard across the room.)
“AAAAAAAAAGGGH!”
AJ: What in tarnation…
Pinkie (giggling): He’ll be fine.
"Pony?"
AJ: “Human?”
The white-coated and pink-maned mare in front of me nodded at my squeak with an ever present smile on her face.
AJ: Well, Ah guess that—huh?
(Gl1m0 walks back and takes a seat. His body is slightly singed.)
AJ: What the hay happened to you?
Gl1m0: Pinkie’s godlike failsafe systems. That’s what happened.
Pinkie (on TV): Hey, you kinda smell like turkey bacon now!
Gl1m0: …Shut up.
As I stared at her
Gl1m0: -plot. (Gets slapped by AJ) OW!
, I noticed things that - at the time - seemed so odd. Their pelts, for example, are like real pelts.
AJ: Well… duh. What else would they be?
Each hair is separate and real. And they're not all one color, the fur itself has shade. Depth.
Gl1m0: (Looks at AJ) …Huh, whaddaya know, he’s right…
Each hair of the mane flowed like a human hair would,
Gl1m0: (While running hand through AJ’s mane) …Hmmm...
AJ: Uh… can Ah help you?
though my present example had her hair in a bun under her nurses hat. It was so real. She was alive.
AJ: Where the alternative was bein’ dead, and that ain’t no fun.
Yet, something was definitely 'off' about her. Her head was large.
Gl1m0: Well, you know what they say about having a swelled head. (Gets slapped again.) OUCH! H-hey! I wasn’t talking about you, AJ!
AJ: That wasn’t me…
Gl1m0: Then who--
Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have a “swelled head”! Her cranium is perfectly and powerfully proportioned, Trixie will have you know!
Gl1m0: T-Trixie?! How did you even get in here— (Trixie teleports out again.) —when the doors… are… locked… what the…
Pinkie (from TV): Kinda forgot to mention… the locks can’t stop a unicorn teleporting in or out just yet. I kinda still need to fix that glitch.
Gl1m0: …So… during our last riff… we could have just had Twilight teleport us out at any given time. SON OF A…
Pinkie: Look! More story!
Yes that was what they were in the show but to see it in reality threw every pony right into the Uncanny Valley.
AJ: Must be quite a fall down there…
Her eyes. Massive didn't even begin to describe them. 'Ginormous' fit I guess. I couldn't even think of them as orbs in any sense of the word.
Gl1m0: Really? They don’t seem so… (Looks at AJ again.) …Oh.
AJ: What are ya starin’ at me for?
Gl1m0: …Your eyes actually are pretty huge, when you think about it…
AJ: Ah beg yer pardon?!
Man, ponies are hella creepy when you think about it.
Gl1m0: Hate to admit it, but they kinda do… (Gets slapped again by AJ.) AGH! This is what I get for being honest?!
I must have been staring at her with the most confused expression ever because she seemed to have noticed. She gave me a big, warm smile
AJ: It was gift-wrapped and everything!
- at least it would have been warm had it not been given by some Lovecraftian horror.
Gl1m0: inb4 Cthulu is canon.
I rapidly shifted my eyes away from her face, taking in my spartan surroundings. A hospital room painted a very light shade of blue, curtains drawn open to let in the full blast of that most hated of objects, the sun.
Gl1m0: Boogie Man: The Early Years.
The heart monitor beeping its little mechanical heart out next to me explained the noise that woke me up, at least. An IV seemed to be stuck in one of my … legs.
AJ: Fer lack of a better word, apparently.
Other than that, a way-too-human chair and a small tray filled with medical detritus the room was pretty dang empty. And it smelled of 'sanitation.'
AJ: An’ sanitation smells like…?
Gl1m0: Based on my experience, blood, soap, and three-week-old piss.
AJ: So… not sanitation?
"Yup, you're safe here now, little one. Do you know where you are?"
Gl1m0: “It’s Hell, right?”
It, er, she was still giving me that creepy smile. I'm going to call it warm for now. Yeah, we'll go with warm. At my way-too-energetic head shake, her smile just grew wider. Shudder.
Gl1m0: “I NEED AN ADULT!”
AJ: She is an adult.
Gl1m0: “I NEED A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY!”
"Well, you're in Ponyville General Hospital after a group of foals found you at the edge of Whitetail Woods.
Gl1m0: Great, even the method of arrival is the same. “Found unconscious by the edge of a forest.” Well, at least it wasn’t in the Everfree this time.
Can you tell me what happened?" Suddenly, something clicked in my head.
AJ: Somepony finally found the light switch.
Gl1m0: Good, it was getting dark in there! What, with the lack of imagination and all.
"Little one?"
Gl1m0: “Little”… Uh oh, I think I figured out where this story is going now.
Pinkie (on TV): Shh! Don’t spoil it!
I knew for a fact my voice sounded really squeaky and I probably sounded like an absolute idiot
All: “Probably”?
but at the time I was a bit preoccupied. I looked down at my hands WHERE DID MY HANDS GO?!
Gl1m0: Hm, did you leave them in your other pants?
AJ: (Gives him a strange look.)
Gl1m0: …What? It happens more often than you may think.
Why no hands? Why is the hands gone? Instead of hands, two stumpy light blue things stared back at me.
Gl1m0: They stared back? Damn that is creepy.
Metaphorically, of course. Having eyes down there would be weird.
AJ: You can have ‘em on your face, on your back, on your stomach, and even on yer legs… but eyes on yer arms? Nope, that’s weird.
I think I was beginning to hyperventilate and I looked back up at the nurse with the tears forming in my eyes. I think it was shock.
Gl1m0: “Or it could have been the drugs. Lots of drugs.”
I started to mouth the word 'hands' over and over again in some vain hope that I could summon them by the power of repetition and hope.
AJ: Ah wouldn’t get yer hopes up; you ain’t Starswirl the Bearded, kid.
Gl1m0: He could always just go and see Lyra. I bet she’d hook him up with a pair.
The nurse - whose 'cutie mark' seemed to be a Swiss Cross for some reason - blinked slightly at me.
Gl1m0: “Slightly” blinked? So… it was a half-blink? Is she… giving him the bedroom eyes?! Ew, dude, that is messed up!
I didn't even want to try to imagine the mathematics behind that particular physical feat.
Gl1m0: Well, let’s try it, shall we? Let’s see… (pulls out notebook) If we were to take the vertical diameter of the eye, which is — (looks at AJ) — roughly six inches (AJ: Hey!) and then account for the fact that the eyelid is never present except during the process of blinking or maintaining an eye expression… so we divide this… multiply it by the… add, and subtract… and… Ah! I have it! Logically—and mathematics can support it—their eyelids exist in a quantum “pocket space”, only appearing when it needs to be and being virtually invisible otherwise!
AJ: …what.
Seriously, where are their eyelids?!
Gl1m0: …I JUST TOLD YOU! (throws notebook at screen) GO FIND YOUR OWN MATHEMATICIAN, STORY! Ugh, I cannot work like this!
"Well, I'm sorry. I, well, yes. You're a little colt.
Pinkie (from TV): DUN, DUN, DUUUUN!
AJ & Gl1m0: Eh, saw it coming.
Pinkie: …You’re no fun.
Do, do you remember your name?" Her concerned look did not dissuade me from responding as I feel any sane man would at that particular bit of news.
Gl1m0: Scream and run around in circles?
AJ: Call the cops?
Pinkie (from TV): Go insane and slaughter everyone in sight with a hacksaw?
AJ & Gl1m0: (Stare at Pinkie in horror.)
Pinkie (from TV): …What?
I don't think she expected
Gl1m0: “-that I was actually a ninja. She was dead before she hit the ground.”
the torrent of filthy language that left my very small muzzle at that point in time.
AJ: When’s the last time you had that language cleaned, mister?
Gl1m0: Well, there was this one time, at band camp--
AJ: Don’t… just don’t.
I have, once before. There was a very strange party thrown together by my aunt, you see, and … actually, in the interest of not making half of my audience run away screaming,
AJ: Wouldn’t really matter much pard, seeing as how we’re locked in here.
Gl1m0: Speaking of which, I really need to figure out how to hack the door lock mechanism…
let's just say I woke up with a massive headache and a rather upset wife. And the sheep, oh god the sheep.
Gl1m0: “There was… wool… everywhere… It was so… fluffy…”
This time was not all that different, discounting the screaming. And that blasted sheep.
AJ: Ya just can’t trust those dang sheep sometimes.
Headache? Check. Dry mouth? Check.
Gl1m0: Reading a cheesy fanfic?
AJ: Double check.
Upset stomach? Check. Beeping? Uhm, that one is new.
AJ: Somepony strapped a bomb to him! Quick, run!
"That musta been one hell of a party," I groaned, trying to open my caked-shut eyes.
Gl1m0: Pinkie, did you throw cake at the nice man’s face? He can’t even open his eyes!
Pinkie (from TV): Of course not! …Wait, which party was this again?
AJ: The one involving the sheep.
Pinkie: Ohhhh… then yeah, I probably did.
With a wince, I managed to open them only to slam them shut again with a strangely high pitched cry. Light, ever the bane of the hungover. Still rubbing my eyes, I heard a distinct clop-clop-clopping sound
Gl1m0: Oh god no, nonononono please not a clopfic anything but a--
of something hard striking the floor.
Gl1m0: …Oh. You meant clopping as in… hoofsteps? Ah, right…
AJ: Yer sick, you know that?
Gl1m0: You can’t blame me for arriving at that conclusion! I’ve seen some shit in my time…
"Oh good, he's awake."
AJ: “Now we can finally get started making cup—”
Gl1m0: Please don’t drag Cupcakes into this…
Squinting against the light, I could see a white blur approaching wherever I was laying. As it got closer, it became more defined and I couldn't help but feel my jaw almost dislocate from the shock. Now, I have to say right here and now: I am a Brony.
Gl1m0: … (Facepalm)
AJ: Ah, geez… It’s one of those kinds of stories, isn’t it?
Pinkie (on TV): Just keep reading!
I'm a bit on the 'old' side as Bronies go though not the oldest. Still, I hit the triple decade mark a bit ago so I guess that makes me one of the older ones of that fandom.
Gl1m0: …Okay, I’m gonna go and try to hack that door now. (Gets up and walks away.)
Pinkie (on TV): Oh, he’ll be back.
And, as all old farts will tell you, I've seen a bit in my time.
AJ: “Why, when Ah was yer age…”
Never something that could prepare me for this though.
(A loud ZAP is heard across the room.)
“AAAAAAAAAGGGH!”
AJ: What in tarnation…
Pinkie (giggling): He’ll be fine.
"Pony?"
AJ: “Human?”
The white-coated and pink-maned mare in front of me nodded at my squeak with an ever present smile on her face.
AJ: Well, Ah guess that—huh?
(Gl1m0 walks back and takes a seat. His body is slightly singed.)
AJ: What the hay happened to you?
Gl1m0: Pinkie’s godlike failsafe systems. That’s what happened.
Pinkie (on TV): Hey, you kinda smell like turkey bacon now!
Gl1m0: …Shut up.
As I stared at her
Gl1m0: -plot. (Gets slapped by AJ) OW!
, I noticed things that - at the time - seemed so odd. Their pelts, for example, are like real pelts.
AJ: Well… duh. What else would they be?
Each hair is separate and real. And they're not all one color, the fur itself has shade. Depth.
Gl1m0: (Looks at AJ) …Huh, whaddaya know, he’s right…
Each hair of the mane flowed like a human hair would,
Gl1m0: (While running hand through AJ’s mane) …Hmmm...
AJ: Uh… can Ah help you?
though my present example had her hair in a bun under her nurses hat. It was so real. She was alive.
AJ: Where the alternative was bein’ dead, and that ain’t no fun.
Yet, something was definitely 'off' about her. Her head was large.
Gl1m0: Well, you know what they say about having a swelled head. (Gets slapped again.) OUCH! H-hey! I wasn’t talking about you, AJ!
AJ: That wasn’t me…
Gl1m0: Then who--
Trixie: The Great and Powerful Trixie does not have a “swelled head”! Her cranium is perfectly and powerfully proportioned, Trixie will have you know!
Gl1m0: T-Trixie?! How did you even get in here— (Trixie teleports out again.) —when the doors… are… locked… what the…
Pinkie (from TV): Kinda forgot to mention… the locks can’t stop a unicorn teleporting in or out just yet. I kinda still need to fix that glitch.
Gl1m0: …So… during our last riff… we could have just had Twilight teleport us out at any given time. SON OF A…
Pinkie: Look! More story!
Yes that was what they were in the show but to see it in reality threw every pony right into the Uncanny Valley.
AJ: Must be quite a fall down there…
Her eyes. Massive didn't even begin to describe them. 'Ginormous' fit I guess. I couldn't even think of them as orbs in any sense of the word.
Gl1m0: Really? They don’t seem so… (Looks at AJ again.) …Oh.
AJ: What are ya starin’ at me for?
Gl1m0: …Your eyes actually are pretty huge, when you think about it…
AJ: Ah beg yer pardon?!
Man, ponies are hella creepy when you think about it.
Gl1m0: Hate to admit it, but they kinda do… (Gets slapped again by AJ.) AGH! This is what I get for being honest?!
I must have been staring at her with the most confused expression ever because she seemed to have noticed. She gave me a big, warm smile
AJ: It was gift-wrapped and everything!
- at least it would have been warm had it not been given by some Lovecraftian horror.
Gl1m0: inb4 Cthulu is canon.
I rapidly shifted my eyes away from her face, taking in my spartan surroundings. A hospital room painted a very light shade of blue, curtains drawn open to let in the full blast of that most hated of objects, the sun.
Gl1m0: Boogie Man: The Early Years.
The heart monitor beeping its little mechanical heart out next to me explained the noise that woke me up, at least. An IV seemed to be stuck in one of my … legs.
AJ: Fer lack of a better word, apparently.
Other than that, a way-too-human chair and a small tray filled with medical detritus the room was pretty dang empty. And it smelled of 'sanitation.'
AJ: An’ sanitation smells like…?
Gl1m0: Based on my experience, blood, soap, and three-week-old piss.
AJ: So… not sanitation?
"Yup, you're safe here now, little one. Do you know where you are?"
Gl1m0: “It’s Hell, right?”
It, er, she was still giving me that creepy smile. I'm going to call it warm for now. Yeah, we'll go with warm. At my way-too-energetic head shake, her smile just grew wider. Shudder.
Gl1m0: “I NEED AN ADULT!”
AJ: She is an adult.
Gl1m0: “I NEED A CAN OF PEPPER SPRAY!”
"Well, you're in Ponyville General Hospital after a group of foals found you at the edge of Whitetail Woods.
Gl1m0: Great, even the method of arrival is the same. “Found unconscious by the edge of a forest.” Well, at least it wasn’t in the Everfree this time.
Can you tell me what happened?" Suddenly, something clicked in my head.
AJ: Somepony finally found the light switch.
Gl1m0: Good, it was getting dark in there! What, with the lack of imagination and all.
"Little one?"
Gl1m0: “Little”… Uh oh, I think I figured out where this story is going now.
Pinkie (on TV): Shh! Don’t spoil it!
I knew for a fact my voice sounded really squeaky and I probably sounded like an absolute idiot
All: “Probably”?
but at the time I was a bit preoccupied. I looked down at my hands WHERE DID MY HANDS GO?!
Gl1m0: Hm, did you leave them in your other pants?
AJ: (Gives him a strange look.)
Gl1m0: …What? It happens more often than you may think.
Why no hands? Why is the hands gone? Instead of hands, two stumpy light blue things stared back at me.
Gl1m0: They stared back? Damn that is creepy.
Metaphorically, of course. Having eyes down there would be weird.
AJ: You can have ‘em on your face, on your back, on your stomach, and even on yer legs… but eyes on yer arms? Nope, that’s weird.
I think I was beginning to hyperventilate and I looked back up at the nurse with the tears forming in my eyes. I think it was shock.
Gl1m0: “Or it could have been the drugs. Lots of drugs.”
I started to mouth the word 'hands' over and over again in some vain hope that I could summon them by the power of repetition and hope.
AJ: Ah wouldn’t get yer hopes up; you ain’t Starswirl the Bearded, kid.
Gl1m0: He could always just go and see Lyra. I bet she’d hook him up with a pair.
The nurse - whose 'cutie mark' seemed to be a Swiss Cross for some reason - blinked slightly at me.
Gl1m0: “Slightly” blinked? So… it was a half-blink? Is she… giving him the bedroom eyes?! Ew, dude, that is messed up!
I didn't even want to try to imagine the mathematics behind that particular physical feat.
Gl1m0: Well, let’s try it, shall we? Let’s see… (pulls out notebook) If we were to take the vertical diameter of the eye, which is — (looks at AJ) — roughly six inches (AJ: Hey!) and then account for the fact that the eyelid is never present except during the process of blinking or maintaining an eye expression… so we divide this… multiply it by the… add, and subtract… and… Ah! I have it! Logically—and mathematics can support it—their eyelids exist in a quantum “pocket space”, only appearing when it needs to be and being virtually invisible otherwise!
AJ: …what.
Seriously, where are their eyelids?!
Gl1m0: …I JUST TOLD YOU! (throws notebook at screen) GO FIND YOUR OWN MATHEMATICIAN, STORY! Ugh, I cannot work like this!
"Well, I'm sorry. I, well, yes. You're a little colt.
Pinkie (from TV): DUN, DUN, DUUUUN!
AJ & Gl1m0: Eh, saw it coming.
Pinkie: …You’re no fun.
Do, do you remember your name?" Her concerned look did not dissuade me from responding as I feel any sane man would at that particular bit of news.
Gl1m0: Scream and run around in circles?
AJ: Call the cops?
Pinkie (from TV): Go insane and slaughter everyone in sight with a hacksaw?
AJ & Gl1m0: (Stare at Pinkie in horror.)
Pinkie (from TV): …What?
I don't think she expected
Gl1m0: “-that I was actually a ninja. She was dead before she hit the ground.”
the torrent of filthy language that left my very small muzzle at that point in time.
AJ: When’s the last time you had that language cleaned, mister?
"Now then, Mr. Dirtymouth, what do we say?"
Both: …
Gl1m0: Um… “More please”?
"Ach, ptew. Stuff it! Oh no GHGHGBLGUBLGLUBGLUB ptew, ptew!"
AJ: Er… Need some context, please… Because right now, Ah’m havin’ a really bad mental image…
Gl1m0: Now who’s the sick one?
Soap has never been my favored flavor
Gl1m0: “It was only my fourth or fifth favorite, really.”
but whatever they put in hospital soap sure as hell makes it taste nastier than regular stuff. Also, Earth Ponies are STRONG.
AJ: Eh, that ain’t news to me.
Gl1m0: (rubs still-sore cheek) I can attest to that…
I was currently being lifted by the scruff of my neck and held over a hospital bathroom sink as this pony nurse tried to 'scrub out all those nasty dirty words,' as she put it.
Gl1m0: Oh, good! Context. Not that this is any less bizarre and somewhat abusive, but still, context!
AJ: Now if only Ah can do the same thing with chatterboxes…
Gl1m0: Uh… *gulps*
She was also holding my bag of IV fluid above her head and had been pumping soap into my forced open muzzle with her own mouth for a good five minutes.
AJ: So, wait… she was spittin’ soap into his mouth?!
Gl1m0: Ewwwgh…
Seriously, who knew ponies had the same curse words as humans? Or the same language, for that matter.
Gl1m0: Um, excuse me? English and Equish are NOT the same language. They just... happen to have remarkably similar dialects, which I'm not quite ready to label off as a coincidence just yet...
Regardless, with me having swallowed a metric ton of that foul stuff (on an empty stomach and with a very dry throat), I figured it was time to play nice with the twice-my-size-could-probably-cave-my-head-in mare that I had inadvertently - and after this had begun, purposefully - royally pissed off.
Gl1m0: “In retrospect, I should never have called her a ‘bug-eyed hippopotamus’ to begin with.”
"Ok, uncle! Uncle! I give!" Thrashing about in her biologically improbable strong grip seemed to get my point across more than the foaming and spitting attempt at language and I was dropped on my rump with absolutely no dignity.
Gl1m0: Ponyville Hospital only cares for the utmost in care and wellbeing for its patients, and men-turned-foals are no different.
AJ: Best medical center in Equestria.
It's the little things, ya know? I'm guessing she didn't want me yanking out the needle burrowed into the crook of my, uh, leg.
AJ: ...Yep, Ah'm just gonna take his word for it.
Her managing three things at once while yelling at me and keeping me under some semblance of control was just another quirk of biology that I just did not want to try to wrap my head around.
Gl1m0: The Amazing Spider-Nurse, everybody!
Hey biologists? You think a fly flying is something really hard to figure out? Try figuring out how to hold things with HOOVES.
AJ: Well, sugarcube? You wanna shed some light on this conundrum then?
Gl1m0: …What? First of all, I offered to be its mathematician, not biologist. And don’t say “there ain’t a difference” because there is. And second, I already offered to help the story, but apparently it didn’t wanna go for that! (pouts) Stupid, stuck-up, stupidface story…
AJ: Forget I asked…
"What do we say?" The angry eyeball she was giving me caused me to shiver slightly. The horror … In response to the monstrosity before me, I laid my ears back and hiccoughed a bubble.
AJ: “Hiccoughed”… Is that actually a word?
Gl1m0: (scribbles in a dictionary with a pen) Well, it is now!
AJ: Say, ain’t that Twilight’s dictionary? When’d you get that?
Gl1m0: She left it behind during the last riff, when she ran off. Finders keepers!
Yeah, I was really heaping on the sad puppy dog eyes as best I could. As long as they thought I was a foal, I'd resort to foal tricks. Though, let's be honest, I was probably just reacting to the Unnamable Thing in front of me.
"I, I don't know miss. I'm sorry?" I must have had a bigger effect on her than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was being hugged very hard.
Gl1m0: “I will love him and squeeze him and then I will call him George.”
AJ: Speakin’ of which, Ah don’t think our “hero” even told his name yet…
Did I mention Earth Ponies are strong? Yeah. That earned her a few bubbles in the mane.
Gl1m0: *gasp* Derpy got stuck in her mane! Quick, somepony get her outta there!
She didn't seem to mind. With a gasping breath, I caught a wiff of her scent …
AJ: This ain’t no time to be playing wiffle ball with that mare’s scent, lil’ colt!
she smelled like a clean horse. They do not smell like vanilla, lavender, or any of that other crazy stuff. Just horse. Clean, but horse.
Gl1m0: Hmm, Applejack? Do you really smell like apples? Like all the fanfics say? Do you mind if I--
AJ: If you even try it, you’re gettin’ yer teeth bucked in.
Gl1m0: …never mind, then.
"I'm so sorry, little one.
Gl1m0: “I’m so, SO sorry. Because you know what happens next.”
But we can't have a young colt like you growing up thinking it's ok to use that language." After a minute of me trying very hard to breathe properly, she set me down - gently this time - and smiled at me. "Let's get back to what we were doing before, hmm?"
AJ: Uh oh, stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Gl1m0: Get out of there, man!!
I nodded, looking purposefully down at the ground. That face.
AJ: That grammar.
And hey, you gotta use the tools you're given, though, am I right? I thought that if I looked dejected enough, she'd go easy on me.
Gl1m0: Hmm… (turns towards the TV and does his best “puppy-dog” face)
AJ: …the hay’re you doing?
Pinkie (from TV): Awww, Glowy! You look so dejected and sad, and stuff! That’s so cute!
Gl1m0: (still doing the face) Does that mean we can be let out early?
Pinkie (from TV): Hmm… nah.
Gl1m0: Fuck. Well, it was worth a try…
Guilt, one of the few things a kid can do really well.
AJ: If they can shame you into buyin' them a cookie, just imagine what other powers they must have...
Gl1m0: That sounds like it's coming from experience.
AJ: Please, don't ask...
She led me back into the hospital room and helped me up onto the bed again.
Gl1m0: "...So, you were saying something about gettin' it--"
AJ: (slaps Gl1m0) Hey! No foalcon! Bad, bad!
I stumbled a bit, of course. Having suddenly double the legs and the coordination of a child would have done that.
Gl1m0: Oh, can't forget about those drugs, too. Those things are trippin'.
Not that she knew any of that as she was looking very concerned by that point. Where was that concern when she was pumping my poor aching stomach full of antibacterial soap?
AJ: On vacation in Prance, most likely.
Gl1m0: I hear it's nice this time of year.
I had half a mind to vomit but I don't think that would help with the taste.
Having settled into the bed as best I could, I then lost all faith in the pony race.
Gl1m0: Coming from a supposed brony, that’s gotta sting.
AJ: Hey! Pony races are great exercise, and they’re fun too! Even if Ah did lose that one time…
Gl1m0: No, he meant… never mind.
Poked, prodded, PROBED. Do they really not know of oral thermometers or was this some sort of revenge of hers? And, of course, we were both nude.
AJ: Oh… oh golly… (blushes)
Gl1m0: MUST… ERASE… MENTAL... PICTURES!
Yeah, the last of my dignity was lost that day.
AJ: “So Ah put an ad in the newspaper, offerin’ a reward if it was found.”
I had a fetish, at one point in time.
Gl1m0: Oh god no.
It's gone now.
Both: Phew.
Thanks creepy Nurse!
Gl1m0: Indeed, for you have potentially saved all of Equestria from a rampant foalified brony with a pony fetish.
AJ: Are a lot of those humans really like that?
Gl1m0: Well, a not-so-precious few are. Some obsess over it, and others keep it quite well hidden and under wraps. Others… well, they make fanfics.
AJ: That’s not a comfortin’ thought… Though, Ah have seen more than a few stories with Author and Prime…
Gl1m0: On that note, if this story did have clop in it… wouldn’t it technically count as foalcon? (Both shudder.)
And all through this, she was peppering me with questions.
AJ: “Are you now, or have you ever been, a supporter of the NLR?”
Gl1m0: “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?”
"Do you remember your name?" Evidently, Bruce is not a very 'pony' name.
Gl1m0: Ah, our nameless protagonist has a name after all! Good. Now I finally have something to base all of my name-related puns off of. Now, if only I could think of a name pun involving “Bruce”… Um... truce... flew... obtuse... eh... Ugh. Damn it story, why you no set up good puns?!
"Who are your parents?" Neither are 'Edward' nor 'Clarice.' "Your school?" 'Polytechnic' anything just got a chuckle.
Gl1m0: Pfft, of course! Everyone knows that university is for wussies.
Obviously missing was
AJ: -the part where this story began to make sense.
'profession,' 'address,' and 'I hoped you liked dinner before I violated you.'
Both: What.
Again, thanks Nurse.
"Well, you rest up a bit, uhm, 'Bruce.' I'll go get the doctor."
AJ: “Because you are clearly out of yer mind.”
She patted my head, though I tried to keep her at a good arm's, er, leg's length away. Besides, I had just been stuffed full of semi-poisonous soap water,
Gl1m0: Face it Bruce, if it were semi-poisonous, you’d already be dead. But, we’re both too unlucky for that to be true…
AJ: Never hurts to dream, though.
poked with half a dozen needles and had the last shred of my male dignity destroyed in front of my eyes all perpetrated by an Elder One of aeons past.
Gl1m0: …I shall resist the urge to make a joke involving Cthulu and tentacles.
AJ: Eugh, thanks fer the image…
And to think I once thought ponies potentially 'hot.' I was not in a touchy mood.
AJ: Good thing too; if he starts “touching” things then Ah’m gone, whether Pinkie says so or not.
Gl1m0: Take me with you?
AJ: Ah’ll think about it.
"Can I have a glass of water at least?"
Gl1m0: "No."
With my fresh glass of clean, pure, un-suddsy water in my hooves, somehow, I awaited the doctor with bated and bubbly breath.
Gl1m0: “And then he would whisk me away in the TARDIS, and we’d have all kinds of fun and amazing adventures through time and space. And stuff. The End.” Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Can we go now?
Pinkie (from TV): No, silly! There’re a lot more chapters where this came from!
Gl1m0: …How much is, “a lot more”?
Pinkie: Hmmm… Like, maybe thirty-ish. Or more.
Gl1m0: Damn it!
AJ: Ah knew it was too good to be true…
Gl1m0: You know what, Pinkie? How about NO. I’m not going to do the same stuff you get away with pulling on those other poor souls. Not this guy, no sir.
Pinkie: Oh, silly Glowy! You say that as if you were even in control of what happens here. I’m the cute mare with the button… and you’re not, so ha ha!
AJ: Pinkie, ya known you’re my best friend when Ah say this, but you’ve been acting like a real mule lately.
Gl1m0: And by that, she means you’re a jackass.
Pinkie: Well, that's not a very nice thing to say! Besides, you both know that this is all just for fun!
Gl1m0: ...fun. Uh-huh. I'm sorry to disappoint you Pinkie, but I will NOT be a part of this anymore. You can't convince me otherwise.
Pinkie: Oh, reeeeally~? Then go ahead and leave... if you can.
Gl1m0: I will, in fact.
AJ: Uh, sugarcube... the door and windows are locked, in case ya haven't noticed...
Pinkie: Heehee, that's right! Sorry Glowy, but ya gotta stay until you're done! Them's the rules!
Gl1m0: Oh, I'm sorry. Who said anything about me using the doors?
(Suddenly, right on cue, the ground begins to tremble and shake.)
AJ: W-wh-what in t-t-tarnation is goin' on?!
Gl1m0: Good, right on cue! I almost expected her not to make it so soon...
AJ: W-who?! Why's the g-ground s-sh-shakin'?!
(With a loud crash, a massive tube-like pod with a huge drill mounted on top rips up through the floorboards, and a door on the side of the construct slides open.)
Gl1m0: That's why! So unless you feel like continuing on reading this... (Runs inside the tube.) ...then come with me, if you want to live! God, I've always wanted to say that...
AJ: Oh, horseradish... What am I gettin' mahself into...?
(Without much thought, she follows him inside the machine, and the doors close behind her. With a lurch, the drill capsule sinks back into the earth back to whence it came from, leaving behind a very beleaguered pink mare...)
Pinkie: You... you think you can just run away, Glowy?! And you too, Applejack?! I'll... I'll find you both! I can Pinkie Promise you that...
Both: …
Gl1m0: Um… “More please”?
"Ach, ptew. Stuff it! Oh no GHGHGBLGUBLGLUBGLUB ptew, ptew!"
AJ: Er… Need some context, please… Because right now, Ah’m havin’ a really bad mental image…
Gl1m0: Now who’s the sick one?
Soap has never been my favored flavor
Gl1m0: “It was only my fourth or fifth favorite, really.”
but whatever they put in hospital soap sure as hell makes it taste nastier than regular stuff. Also, Earth Ponies are STRONG.
AJ: Eh, that ain’t news to me.
Gl1m0: (rubs still-sore cheek) I can attest to that…
I was currently being lifted by the scruff of my neck and held over a hospital bathroom sink as this pony nurse tried to 'scrub out all those nasty dirty words,' as she put it.
Gl1m0: Oh, good! Context. Not that this is any less bizarre and somewhat abusive, but still, context!
AJ: Now if only Ah can do the same thing with chatterboxes…
Gl1m0: Uh… *gulps*
She was also holding my bag of IV fluid above her head and had been pumping soap into my forced open muzzle with her own mouth for a good five minutes.
AJ: So, wait… she was spittin’ soap into his mouth?!
Gl1m0: Ewwwgh…
Seriously, who knew ponies had the same curse words as humans? Or the same language, for that matter.
Gl1m0: Um, excuse me? English and Equish are NOT the same language. They just... happen to have remarkably similar dialects, which I'm not quite ready to label off as a coincidence just yet...
Regardless, with me having swallowed a metric ton of that foul stuff (on an empty stomach and with a very dry throat), I figured it was time to play nice with the twice-my-size-could-probably-cave-my-head-in mare that I had inadvertently - and after this had begun, purposefully - royally pissed off.
Gl1m0: “In retrospect, I should never have called her a ‘bug-eyed hippopotamus’ to begin with.”
"Ok, uncle! Uncle! I give!" Thrashing about in her biologically improbable strong grip seemed to get my point across more than the foaming and spitting attempt at language and I was dropped on my rump with absolutely no dignity.
Gl1m0: Ponyville Hospital only cares for the utmost in care and wellbeing for its patients, and men-turned-foals are no different.
AJ: Best medical center in Equestria.
It's the little things, ya know? I'm guessing she didn't want me yanking out the needle burrowed into the crook of my, uh, leg.
AJ: ...Yep, Ah'm just gonna take his word for it.
Her managing three things at once while yelling at me and keeping me under some semblance of control was just another quirk of biology that I just did not want to try to wrap my head around.
Gl1m0: The Amazing Spider-Nurse, everybody!
Hey biologists? You think a fly flying is something really hard to figure out? Try figuring out how to hold things with HOOVES.
AJ: Well, sugarcube? You wanna shed some light on this conundrum then?
Gl1m0: …What? First of all, I offered to be its mathematician, not biologist. And don’t say “there ain’t a difference” because there is. And second, I already offered to help the story, but apparently it didn’t wanna go for that! (pouts) Stupid, stuck-up, stupidface story…
AJ: Forget I asked…
"What do we say?" The angry eyeball she was giving me caused me to shiver slightly. The horror … In response to the monstrosity before me, I laid my ears back and hiccoughed a bubble.
AJ: “Hiccoughed”… Is that actually a word?
Gl1m0: (scribbles in a dictionary with a pen) Well, it is now!
AJ: Say, ain’t that Twilight’s dictionary? When’d you get that?
Gl1m0: She left it behind during the last riff, when she ran off. Finders keepers!
Yeah, I was really heaping on the sad puppy dog eyes as best I could. As long as they thought I was a foal, I'd resort to foal tricks. Though, let's be honest, I was probably just reacting to the Unnamable Thing in front of me.
"I, I don't know miss. I'm sorry?" I must have had a bigger effect on her than I thought because the next thing I knew, I was being hugged very hard.
Gl1m0: “I will love him and squeeze him and then I will call him George.”
AJ: Speakin’ of which, Ah don’t think our “hero” even told his name yet…
Did I mention Earth Ponies are strong? Yeah. That earned her a few bubbles in the mane.
Gl1m0: *gasp* Derpy got stuck in her mane! Quick, somepony get her outta there!
She didn't seem to mind. With a gasping breath, I caught a wiff of her scent …
AJ: This ain’t no time to be playing wiffle ball with that mare’s scent, lil’ colt!
she smelled like a clean horse. They do not smell like vanilla, lavender, or any of that other crazy stuff. Just horse. Clean, but horse.
Gl1m0: Hmm, Applejack? Do you really smell like apples? Like all the fanfics say? Do you mind if I--
AJ: If you even try it, you’re gettin’ yer teeth bucked in.
Gl1m0: …never mind, then.
"I'm so sorry, little one.
Gl1m0: “I’m so, SO sorry. Because you know what happens next.”
But we can't have a young colt like you growing up thinking it's ok to use that language." After a minute of me trying very hard to breathe properly, she set me down - gently this time - and smiled at me. "Let's get back to what we were doing before, hmm?"
AJ: Uh oh, stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Gl1m0: Get out of there, man!!
I nodded, looking purposefully down at the ground. That face.
AJ: That grammar.
And hey, you gotta use the tools you're given, though, am I right? I thought that if I looked dejected enough, she'd go easy on me.
Gl1m0: Hmm… (turns towards the TV and does his best “puppy-dog” face)
AJ: …the hay’re you doing?
Pinkie (from TV): Awww, Glowy! You look so dejected and sad, and stuff! That’s so cute!
Gl1m0: (still doing the face) Does that mean we can be let out early?
Pinkie (from TV): Hmm… nah.
Gl1m0: Fuck. Well, it was worth a try…
Guilt, one of the few things a kid can do really well.
AJ: If they can shame you into buyin' them a cookie, just imagine what other powers they must have...
Gl1m0: That sounds like it's coming from experience.
AJ: Please, don't ask...
She led me back into the hospital room and helped me up onto the bed again.
Gl1m0: "...So, you were saying something about gettin' it--"
AJ: (slaps Gl1m0) Hey! No foalcon! Bad, bad!
I stumbled a bit, of course. Having suddenly double the legs and the coordination of a child would have done that.
Gl1m0: Oh, can't forget about those drugs, too. Those things are trippin'.
Not that she knew any of that as she was looking very concerned by that point. Where was that concern when she was pumping my poor aching stomach full of antibacterial soap?
AJ: On vacation in Prance, most likely.
Gl1m0: I hear it's nice this time of year.
I had half a mind to vomit but I don't think that would help with the taste.
Having settled into the bed as best I could, I then lost all faith in the pony race.
Gl1m0: Coming from a supposed brony, that’s gotta sting.
AJ: Hey! Pony races are great exercise, and they’re fun too! Even if Ah did lose that one time…
Gl1m0: No, he meant… never mind.
Poked, prodded, PROBED. Do they really not know of oral thermometers or was this some sort of revenge of hers? And, of course, we were both nude.
AJ: Oh… oh golly… (blushes)
Gl1m0: MUST… ERASE… MENTAL... PICTURES!
Yeah, the last of my dignity was lost that day.
AJ: “So Ah put an ad in the newspaper, offerin’ a reward if it was found.”
I had a fetish, at one point in time.
Gl1m0: Oh god no.
It's gone now.
Both: Phew.
Thanks creepy Nurse!
Gl1m0: Indeed, for you have potentially saved all of Equestria from a rampant foalified brony with a pony fetish.
AJ: Are a lot of those humans really like that?
Gl1m0: Well, a not-so-precious few are. Some obsess over it, and others keep it quite well hidden and under wraps. Others… well, they make fanfics.
AJ: That’s not a comfortin’ thought… Though, Ah have seen more than a few stories with Author and Prime…
Gl1m0: On that note, if this story did have clop in it… wouldn’t it technically count as foalcon? (Both shudder.)
And all through this, she was peppering me with questions.
AJ: “Are you now, or have you ever been, a supporter of the NLR?”
Gl1m0: “How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?”
"Do you remember your name?" Evidently, Bruce is not a very 'pony' name.
Gl1m0: Ah, our nameless protagonist has a name after all! Good. Now I finally have something to base all of my name-related puns off of. Now, if only I could think of a name pun involving “Bruce”… Um... truce... flew... obtuse... eh... Ugh. Damn it story, why you no set up good puns?!
"Who are your parents?" Neither are 'Edward' nor 'Clarice.' "Your school?" 'Polytechnic' anything just got a chuckle.
Gl1m0: Pfft, of course! Everyone knows that university is for wussies.
Obviously missing was
AJ: -the part where this story began to make sense.
'profession,' 'address,' and 'I hoped you liked dinner before I violated you.'
Both: What.
Again, thanks Nurse.
"Well, you rest up a bit, uhm, 'Bruce.' I'll go get the doctor."
AJ: “Because you are clearly out of yer mind.”
She patted my head, though I tried to keep her at a good arm's, er, leg's length away. Besides, I had just been stuffed full of semi-poisonous soap water,
Gl1m0: Face it Bruce, if it were semi-poisonous, you’d already be dead. But, we’re both too unlucky for that to be true…
AJ: Never hurts to dream, though.
poked with half a dozen needles and had the last shred of my male dignity destroyed in front of my eyes all perpetrated by an Elder One of aeons past.
Gl1m0: …I shall resist the urge to make a joke involving Cthulu and tentacles.
AJ: Eugh, thanks fer the image…
And to think I once thought ponies potentially 'hot.' I was not in a touchy mood.
AJ: Good thing too; if he starts “touching” things then Ah’m gone, whether Pinkie says so or not.
Gl1m0: Take me with you?
AJ: Ah’ll think about it.
"Can I have a glass of water at least?"
Gl1m0: "No."
With my fresh glass of clean, pure, un-suddsy water in my hooves, somehow, I awaited the doctor with bated and bubbly breath.
Gl1m0: “And then he would whisk me away in the TARDIS, and we’d have all kinds of fun and amazing adventures through time and space. And stuff. The End.” Okay, that’s it. I’m done. Can we go now?
Pinkie (from TV): No, silly! There’re a lot more chapters where this came from!
Gl1m0: …How much is, “a lot more”?
Pinkie: Hmmm… Like, maybe thirty-ish. Or more.
Gl1m0: Damn it!
AJ: Ah knew it was too good to be true…
Gl1m0: You know what, Pinkie? How about NO. I’m not going to do the same stuff you get away with pulling on those other poor souls. Not this guy, no sir.
Pinkie: Oh, silly Glowy! You say that as if you were even in control of what happens here. I’m the cute mare with the button… and you’re not, so ha ha!
AJ: Pinkie, ya known you’re my best friend when Ah say this, but you’ve been acting like a real mule lately.
Gl1m0: And by that, she means you’re a jackass.
Pinkie: Well, that's not a very nice thing to say! Besides, you both know that this is all just for fun!
Gl1m0: ...fun. Uh-huh. I'm sorry to disappoint you Pinkie, but I will NOT be a part of this anymore. You can't convince me otherwise.
Pinkie: Oh, reeeeally~? Then go ahead and leave... if you can.
Gl1m0: I will, in fact.
AJ: Uh, sugarcube... the door and windows are locked, in case ya haven't noticed...
Pinkie: Heehee, that's right! Sorry Glowy, but ya gotta stay until you're done! Them's the rules!
Gl1m0: Oh, I'm sorry. Who said anything about me using the doors?
(Suddenly, right on cue, the ground begins to tremble and shake.)
AJ: W-wh-what in t-t-tarnation is goin' on?!
Gl1m0: Good, right on cue! I almost expected her not to make it so soon...
AJ: W-who?! Why's the g-ground s-sh-shakin'?!
(With a loud crash, a massive tube-like pod with a huge drill mounted on top rips up through the floorboards, and a door on the side of the construct slides open.)
Gl1m0: That's why! So unless you feel like continuing on reading this... (Runs inside the tube.) ...then come with me, if you want to live! God, I've always wanted to say that...
AJ: Oh, horseradish... What am I gettin' mahself into...?
(Without much thought, she follows him inside the machine, and the doors close behind her. With a lurch, the drill capsule sinks back into the earth back to whence it came from, leaving behind a very beleaguered pink mare...)
Pinkie: You... you think you can just run away, Glowy?! And you too, Applejack?! I'll... I'll find you both! I can Pinkie Promise you that...
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