Riffs from the Cutting Room Floor, Episode 03:
My Harshwhinnial
I just can’t be stopped, apparently. No matter where I go, there’s always another fic to riff… For example, egh… this one. If you make it a habit of lurking around on FiMFiction (like I do), then you'll know well of the April Fool's fiasco the mods had way back on April 1st. RBDash47 even treated us with this GEM of a story in a "featured interview". What the hell, people. I am not amuse. Do you even fanfic. Arflargle. Blah. HATE.
So yeah, trollfic is troll. Well, guess what? Here's my rebuttal: An MST. The target in question? My Harshwhinnial, a ponification of the infamous My Immortal. Hilariously inept, but all the more deserving of the usual riffing treatment. Let slip the beasts of Tartarus...
(Also, this is where the actual story of Cutting Room Floor gets underway. I think that, so far, this is the riff I've been working on the hardest; I've had to cut it into two parts due to its length. The latter part, rest assured, will be worked on and released as soon as I can. But right now, I need to finish a couple of other co-riffs I'm working on.)
So yeah, trollfic is troll. Well, guess what? Here's my rebuttal: An MST. The target in question? My Harshwhinnial, a ponification of the infamous My Immortal. Hilariously inept, but all the more deserving of the usual riffing treatment. Let slip the beasts of Tartarus...
(Also, this is where the actual story of Cutting Room Floor gets underway. I think that, so far, this is the riff I've been working on the hardest; I've had to cut it into two parts due to its length. The latter part, rest assured, will be worked on and released as soon as I can. But right now, I need to finish a couple of other co-riffs I'm working on.)
In a secluded chamber, deep below the earth, a cylindrical pod descends from an opening in the ceiling. The doors of the pod open, and both Gl1m0 and Applejack step out, looking quite dazed…
TheAuthorGl1m0: Ow... God, I need to install some proper shocks in that thing...
Applejack: An' what the hay happened with that bright flash, 'n stuff? Mah head still hurts...
Gl1m0: Ugh, mine too... It's a bit of a blur, but... I think there were... kinky squirrels involved...
AJ: Ah don't like squirrels.
Gl1m0: Don't go telling that to Fluttershy. Anyway... here we are, I guess. The CRF. (mumbles) Huh, it's a bit cleaner than I remember leaving it...
AJ: The CR...wha? Where are we even--
[[All of a sudden, a lavender-colored mare wearing a beanie-cap bursts out of a nearby ventilation grate, leaping towards Gl1m0.]]
???: Glowyyyy!
Gl1m0: What the fu--(Is glomped by the mystery mare and falls to the floor)--GUH! GET OFF!
AJ: What in tarnation...!?
Gl1m0: Ugh... Screwball, WHAT have I told you about surprising me like this?
Screwball: I know, but it's so much fun! Whaddaya expect me to do, NOT do it?
Gl1m0: That's what I was hoping at least... (shoves Screwball off of him and stands up) ...Now that all of that mess is out of the way... Screwball, give me a status report.
Screwball: Lesse... Processing rates are holding steady at 21 scribes-per-minute, core temperature is 201 degrees cell-see-us... and I brought another little pony aboard.
Gl1m0: Alright, that sounds... wait. What do you MEAN that you brought another pony aboard?! Have you finally lost what’s left of your mind?!
Screwball: Chill out Glowy, it’s okee-day! I mean, come on, YOU brought along somepony too! We’re totally even, and you know it!
Gl1m0: I-it was a courtesy, okay?! We wouldn't have lasted much longer up there!
AJ: Alright mister, are you gonna start explaining yerself anytime soon? What the hay IS this place? Who is this crazy pony? And how come Ah’ve never heard of any o’ this before?!
Gl1m0: Slow down, I’m a bit busy right now! Just relax for a second!
AJ: (grumbles with resignation)
Gl1m0: Good. Anyway… (turns back to Screwball) …where is he? Or her? Please tell me they aren't near the Vault…
Screwball: I said chill! Lucy is keeping her in check, so she won’t try to run amok or anything.
Gl1m0: …good enough, I guess. We’ll deal with that situation later. Now then, AJ, as for your questions… Actually, I think I’ll just let these expository paragraphs describe it all for you. I knew they’d come in handy someday.
Deep below the surface of Equestria, far beyond the reach of most living beings, is a secret mobile facility, tunneling its way underhoof the many ponies miles above. Known only as the Cutting Room Floor, it is a machine dedicated to one thing, and one thing only: Rejects. The bits of narrative that don’t make the cut, the tales of woeful incompetence that are burned in piles, the articles that get turned away from the Equestria Daily newspaper in Canterlot; all of these are processed by those that crew the CRF, and archived away in their infinite database to lie in obscurity…
Usually secluded from the rest of Equestria by a comfortable two miles of rocky separation, the crew busily go about their tasks with sorting away the trash for the Archives. Having nothing else better to do, these brave individuals seek to better the land of Equestria—by eliminating the menace known as terrible writing. At least, that’s what their supposed intention is meant to be; that doesn’t mean they do a good job of it at all, or even stick to that one task for more than a minute.
Gl1m0: …Okay, we could have done without that last sentence, but in a nutshell, that’s us. This pony here? She’s Screwball. We've been, shall we say, “partners” in this escapade of ours… you know, breaking down rejects, driving, attempted cooking, and the occasional coffee run.
Screwball: Hiya! Say, does that hat take ten gallons? Or twelve? (starts giggling like mad)
AJ: Wha… Hey!
Gl1m0: Sorry, she thinks that she’s “funny”. That remains to be seen, however.
Screwball: HEY! No fair! I'm WAY funnier than you!
Gl1m0: Suuuuuure. Anyway, the reason no one knows about us? We’re a top-secret organization; the best kept one in Equestria. Not even the princesses know about us.
AJ: But… why? Why all this? (Looks around the room) This place is huge…
Gl1m0: We intercept and store all facsimiles of improper writing, and hide it away from the world’s eye. Unsurprisingly, plenty of stuff still manages to get by us, so it’s not like we’re perfect… It would seem that Pinkie, of all ponies, manages to get a hold of these poor writings a lot quicker than we can at times…
AJ: Unreal… And this place… it’s… movin’?
Gl1m0: Yes. The CRF is always mobile, and our travel plan is never fixed or set in advance; it makes it harder for others to track us.
AJ: Then… how come you were on the surface, in that house, writin’ stuff?
Gl1m0: (Sighs.) I was supposed to be on a vacation, of sorts… Reality had other plans, though. I knew that Pinkie was acting all strange and making you and others read horrible fanfics for childish amusement… but, I guess I never counted on being subjected to those myself. And lo, after realizing my vacation was fairly pointless to begin with, I decided to come back here. You just happened to be dragged along for the ride.
Screwball: Wow, you totally got burned on that deal, Glowy.
Gl1m0: Unfortunately, yes… Well, duty calls, I suppose. Where were the others, again?
Screwball: The, uh… the room with the really long, funny name.
Gl1m0: …You mean, “Processing Room”?
Screwball: Yeah, that one!
Gl1m0: …Right. Anyway, Applejack, you can sit tight and relax for a bit here. We’ll arrange to drop you off somewhere on the surface in due time.
AJ: Uh… thanks, sugarcube.
[[With that, both Gl1m0 and Screwball leave the room without another word.]]
TheAuthorGl1m0: Ow... God, I need to install some proper shocks in that thing...
Applejack: An' what the hay happened with that bright flash, 'n stuff? Mah head still hurts...
Gl1m0: Ugh, mine too... It's a bit of a blur, but... I think there were... kinky squirrels involved...
AJ: Ah don't like squirrels.
Gl1m0: Don't go telling that to Fluttershy. Anyway... here we are, I guess. The CRF. (mumbles) Huh, it's a bit cleaner than I remember leaving it...
AJ: The CR...wha? Where are we even--
[[All of a sudden, a lavender-colored mare wearing a beanie-cap bursts out of a nearby ventilation grate, leaping towards Gl1m0.]]
???: Glowyyyy!
Gl1m0: What the fu--(Is glomped by the mystery mare and falls to the floor)--GUH! GET OFF!
AJ: What in tarnation...!?
Gl1m0: Ugh... Screwball, WHAT have I told you about surprising me like this?
Screwball: I know, but it's so much fun! Whaddaya expect me to do, NOT do it?
Gl1m0: That's what I was hoping at least... (shoves Screwball off of him and stands up) ...Now that all of that mess is out of the way... Screwball, give me a status report.
Screwball: Lesse... Processing rates are holding steady at 21 scribes-per-minute, core temperature is 201 degrees cell-see-us... and I brought another little pony aboard.
Gl1m0: Alright, that sounds... wait. What do you MEAN that you brought another pony aboard?! Have you finally lost what’s left of your mind?!
Screwball: Chill out Glowy, it’s okee-day! I mean, come on, YOU brought along somepony too! We’re totally even, and you know it!
Gl1m0: I-it was a courtesy, okay?! We wouldn't have lasted much longer up there!
AJ: Alright mister, are you gonna start explaining yerself anytime soon? What the hay IS this place? Who is this crazy pony? And how come Ah’ve never heard of any o’ this before?!
Gl1m0: Slow down, I’m a bit busy right now! Just relax for a second!
AJ: (grumbles with resignation)
Gl1m0: Good. Anyway… (turns back to Screwball) …where is he? Or her? Please tell me they aren't near the Vault…
Screwball: I said chill! Lucy is keeping her in check, so she won’t try to run amok or anything.
Gl1m0: …good enough, I guess. We’ll deal with that situation later. Now then, AJ, as for your questions… Actually, I think I’ll just let these expository paragraphs describe it all for you. I knew they’d come in handy someday.
Deep below the surface of Equestria, far beyond the reach of most living beings, is a secret mobile facility, tunneling its way underhoof the many ponies miles above. Known only as the Cutting Room Floor, it is a machine dedicated to one thing, and one thing only: Rejects. The bits of narrative that don’t make the cut, the tales of woeful incompetence that are burned in piles, the articles that get turned away from the Equestria Daily newspaper in Canterlot; all of these are processed by those that crew the CRF, and archived away in their infinite database to lie in obscurity…
Usually secluded from the rest of Equestria by a comfortable two miles of rocky separation, the crew busily go about their tasks with sorting away the trash for the Archives. Having nothing else better to do, these brave individuals seek to better the land of Equestria—by eliminating the menace known as terrible writing. At least, that’s what their supposed intention is meant to be; that doesn’t mean they do a good job of it at all, or even stick to that one task for more than a minute.
Gl1m0: …Okay, we could have done without that last sentence, but in a nutshell, that’s us. This pony here? She’s Screwball. We've been, shall we say, “partners” in this escapade of ours… you know, breaking down rejects, driving, attempted cooking, and the occasional coffee run.
Screwball: Hiya! Say, does that hat take ten gallons? Or twelve? (starts giggling like mad)
AJ: Wha… Hey!
Gl1m0: Sorry, she thinks that she’s “funny”. That remains to be seen, however.
Screwball: HEY! No fair! I'm WAY funnier than you!
Gl1m0: Suuuuuure. Anyway, the reason no one knows about us? We’re a top-secret organization; the best kept one in Equestria. Not even the princesses know about us.
AJ: But… why? Why all this? (Looks around the room) This place is huge…
Gl1m0: We intercept and store all facsimiles of improper writing, and hide it away from the world’s eye. Unsurprisingly, plenty of stuff still manages to get by us, so it’s not like we’re perfect… It would seem that Pinkie, of all ponies, manages to get a hold of these poor writings a lot quicker than we can at times…
AJ: Unreal… And this place… it’s… movin’?
Gl1m0: Yes. The CRF is always mobile, and our travel plan is never fixed or set in advance; it makes it harder for others to track us.
AJ: Then… how come you were on the surface, in that house, writin’ stuff?
Gl1m0: (Sighs.) I was supposed to be on a vacation, of sorts… Reality had other plans, though. I knew that Pinkie was acting all strange and making you and others read horrible fanfics for childish amusement… but, I guess I never counted on being subjected to those myself. And lo, after realizing my vacation was fairly pointless to begin with, I decided to come back here. You just happened to be dragged along for the ride.
Screwball: Wow, you totally got burned on that deal, Glowy.
Gl1m0: Unfortunately, yes… Well, duty calls, I suppose. Where were the others, again?
Screwball: The, uh… the room with the really long, funny name.
Gl1m0: …You mean, “Processing Room”?
Screwball: Yeah, that one!
Gl1m0: …Right. Anyway, Applejack, you can sit tight and relax for a bit here. We’ll arrange to drop you off somewhere on the surface in due time.
AJ: Uh… thanks, sugarcube.
[[With that, both Gl1m0 and Screwball leave the room without another word.]]
~The CRF: Processing Room~
Screwball: So, here she is! Good girl keeping an eye on her, Lucy!
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: Okay, so who’s the pony you dragged aboard this ti… WHAT THE—YOU FOALNAPPED SCOOTALOO?!
Screwball: But she’s so cute! And she was just, you know, there! And not doing anything!
Scootaloo: I was WAITING for my friends to show up, you weirdo! The next thing I know, YOU pop out of the ground and grab me!
Screwball: I prefer to think of it as an “aggressive embrace”.
Scootaloo: You guys are in BIG trouble when Rainbow Dash gets here—she’s gonna kick your flanks back to last Tuesday!
Screwloose: Grrrrrr….
Screwball: Oh yeah?! I’d like to see her try!
Scootaloo: Rainbow Dash won't just "try"! She’ll wipe the floor with you!
Screwball: SHE’LL WIPE THE MUD OFF HER FACE AFTER I KICK SOME ONTO IT!
Scootaloo: OH YEAH?!
Screwball: YEAH!!
Gl1m0: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (Awkward silence follows.) …Scootaloo, just relax. Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? We’ll take you back to the surface as soon as we--
[[All of a sudden, a siren goes off and green lights begin to flash around the room.]]
Gl1m0: —get back… Ah, damn it. Looks like we’ll have to put that plan on hold for the moment.
Scootaloo: Why? What’s going on?
[[One by one, the doors begin to shut and lock. Just before the last one closes, Applejack is suddenly and unceremoniously shoved inside the room by an unseen force.]]
AJ: Oww… What in tarnation is goin’ on in here—Scootaloo?! How the heck did YOU get down here?
Scootaloo: Long story…
Gl1m0: Uh… might be a bad time to mention, but uh… At set times throughout the day, in order to make sure the writings get properly processed and archived… we have to do the breakdown process for at least one of these manually, per day.
AJ: Like… how?
Gl1m0: In a nutshell? What Pinkie was making us do on the surface. And now you see the reason for my attempted vacation...
AJ: What?! …Ugh, talk about outta the fryin’ pan and into the fire…
Scootaloo: So… you’re kinda like Author, then? And that Fallen Prime guy?
Gl1m0: I… suppose so?
Scootaloo: Really?! Awesome! I’m a PRO at this “riffing” stuff!
Gl1m0: …well, we refer to it as "breaking down the fic for safe storage", but... seriously?
Scootaloo: Yeah! I mean, I haven’t gotten a cutie mark for it yet, but maybe I just have to become a master at it, first!
Gl1m0: Uh… sure. Whatever floats your boat… so, Screwball, what’s on the queue?
Screwball: Let’s see… Ooh! This one is interesting! It’s called… “My Harshwhinnial?” That’s a weirdy name. Let’s bring it up!
[[In the center of the room, a large monitor descends from above while four seats rise from the floor. They are filled rather quickly.]]
Screwball: Sorry Lucy, you’ll have to sit on the floor this time.
Screwloose: (whines)
[[The monitor turns on, showing them all the fanfic to be processed. Everyone cringes slightly.]]
Gl1m0: Now, I’ve learned never to judge a book by its cover, but in this line of work it’s almost impossible to have good impressions in the first place. In this case, not when the cover art pony looks like some kind of reject from Generation 3…
Screwball: Why does it even have UPVOTES? Usually the stuff we get is way in the red!
Gl1m0: Obviously, the standard of quality on the surface is becoming so bad, many people are just choosing to accept it. It’s sad, really.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: No, you can’t have a potty break.
Screwloose: (whines)
AJ: Aw, horsefeathers… this is gonna be painful, isn’t it?
Scootaloo: Hey, I’ve read Rainbow Factory! This can’t be any worse, can it?
Screwball: WE SHALL SEE, LITTLE MOTH!
Gl1m0: Initialize the breakdown sequence!
Screwball: So, here she is! Good girl keeping an eye on her, Lucy!
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: Okay, so who’s the pony you dragged aboard this ti… WHAT THE—YOU FOALNAPPED SCOOTALOO?!
Screwball: But she’s so cute! And she was just, you know, there! And not doing anything!
Scootaloo: I was WAITING for my friends to show up, you weirdo! The next thing I know, YOU pop out of the ground and grab me!
Screwball: I prefer to think of it as an “aggressive embrace”.
Scootaloo: You guys are in BIG trouble when Rainbow Dash gets here—she’s gonna kick your flanks back to last Tuesday!
Screwloose: Grrrrrr….
Screwball: Oh yeah?! I’d like to see her try!
Scootaloo: Rainbow Dash won't just "try"! She’ll wipe the floor with you!
Screwball: SHE’LL WIPE THE MUD OFF HER FACE AFTER I KICK SOME ONTO IT!
Scootaloo: OH YEAH?!
Screwball: YEAH!!
Gl1m0: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (Awkward silence follows.) …Scootaloo, just relax. Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? We’ll take you back to the surface as soon as we--
[[All of a sudden, a siren goes off and green lights begin to flash around the room.]]
Gl1m0: —get back… Ah, damn it. Looks like we’ll have to put that plan on hold for the moment.
Scootaloo: Why? What’s going on?
[[One by one, the doors begin to shut and lock. Just before the last one closes, Applejack is suddenly and unceremoniously shoved inside the room by an unseen force.]]
AJ: Oww… What in tarnation is goin’ on in here—Scootaloo?! How the heck did YOU get down here?
Scootaloo: Long story…
Gl1m0: Uh… might be a bad time to mention, but uh… At set times throughout the day, in order to make sure the writings get properly processed and archived… we have to do the breakdown process for at least one of these manually, per day.
AJ: Like… how?
Gl1m0: In a nutshell? What Pinkie was making us do on the surface. And now you see the reason for my attempted vacation...
AJ: What?! …Ugh, talk about outta the fryin’ pan and into the fire…
Scootaloo: So… you’re kinda like Author, then? And that Fallen Prime guy?
Gl1m0: I… suppose so?
Scootaloo: Really?! Awesome! I’m a PRO at this “riffing” stuff!
Gl1m0: …well, we refer to it as "breaking down the fic for safe storage", but... seriously?
Scootaloo: Yeah! I mean, I haven’t gotten a cutie mark for it yet, but maybe I just have to become a master at it, first!
Gl1m0: Uh… sure. Whatever floats your boat… so, Screwball, what’s on the queue?
Screwball: Let’s see… Ooh! This one is interesting! It’s called… “My Harshwhinnial?” That’s a weirdy name. Let’s bring it up!
[[In the center of the room, a large monitor descends from above while four seats rise from the floor. They are filled rather quickly.]]
Screwball: Sorry Lucy, you’ll have to sit on the floor this time.
Screwloose: (whines)
[[The monitor turns on, showing them all the fanfic to be processed. Everyone cringes slightly.]]
Gl1m0: Now, I’ve learned never to judge a book by its cover, but in this line of work it’s almost impossible to have good impressions in the first place. In this case, not when the cover art pony looks like some kind of reject from Generation 3…
Screwball: Why does it even have UPVOTES? Usually the stuff we get is way in the red!
Gl1m0: Obviously, the standard of quality on the surface is becoming so bad, many people are just choosing to accept it. It’s sad, really.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: No, you can’t have a potty break.
Screwloose: (whines)
AJ: Aw, horsefeathers… this is gonna be painful, isn’t it?
Scootaloo: Hey, I’ve read Rainbow Factory! This can’t be any worse, can it?
Screwball: WE SHALL SEE, LITTLE MOTH!
Gl1m0: Initialize the breakdown sequence!
Chapter 1.
Screwball: “The Day The Grammar Died.”
(AN: HAY MURDERATORS:
Gl1m0: That’s a rather serious accusation towards the mods, don’t you think?
Screwball: They screw us, so we screw them right back! No harm done.
AJ: An’ why’s he shoutin’? We’re indoors…
arthurs note DOES GOES HERE plz see ORIGANAL FIC based off kthx)
Scootaloo: Who’s Arthur? And where’s the note?
Gl1m0: It’s buried in a sea of no caps and all caps.
aslo happy March 32nd kk?)
Screwball: Oooh, that’s my favorite day! I wish it was March 32nd all year long.
(AN: Spescial broo hoves 2 Baxle 4 fixng alll teh spelling erras)
AJ: An’ with that, Ah think it’s safe to say that we’re in fer a ride.
Gl1m0: Oh god, I actually regret skipping out on that HiE story with Pinkie, now…
Hi my name is Medal Pector'al Biathlon Lula Whinny
Scootaloo: I don’t think that’s a legal name.
Screwball: Quick, somepony sue him!
and I'm a 12-time Junior equestrian Games meddlist (that's how I got my name) with golds in throwing things
Gl1m0: He’s got quite an arm.
and golds in galloping and golds in sportsmareship
AJ: Like that time he pushed all o’ her racin’ buddies into that gorge? Yep, real sportscolt-like conduct, there.
with a mane that reaches my mid-back
Screwball: Pfft. Get a haircut, hippie.
and icy purple eyes like limpid sweaters
Scootaloo: So icy, he couldn’t even move them around.
Gl1m0: And as a result, he is forever doomed to look like a Hasbro figurine.
AJ: Also… “limpid sweaters”? Really?
Screwball: They’re in style this season!
and a lot of ponies tell me I look like my dad Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade
Gl1m0: Ah, Mr. Nightblade. Apparently, he’s a pretty decent interior decorator.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: No, Lucy. We can’t hire him to build you a fancy sandbox. Use the bathroom like a proper mare, for god’s sake…
(AN: but if u think he's cooler than my mom get da hell out of here!?).,
Scootaloo: Okay, jeez! Talk about grouchy…
AJ: Don’t sweat it, Scoots. He’s jus’ mad about having a bad OC for his pa.
I'm not related to Trixie Lulamoon and I'm glad because she's major bucking adopted.
Gl1m0: Strangely specific denial, there…
Scootaloo: ……
AJ: …… (Slowly pulls Scootaloo into a hug.)
I'm an inspector but they still let me compete in the games.
Gl1m0: Okay, I just know that violates a few rules.
Screwball: Inspectors get all the fun…
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Screwball: I know, right? They’re such jerks.
I have muscles.
Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Do you even lift?
I'm also Miss Lovingcup Harshwhinnny's colt, and I live w/ith her for the last seventeen years (I'm sixteen).
Gl1m0: I… actually, that’s technically correct. Assuming that we factor in the nine months before he was actually born, of course…
AJ: Ah was more concerned ‘bout the fact he’s an obvious Gary Stu regardless, but yeah, Ah see your point.
Screwball: What, no mention of the lack of past tense? You’re slipping again, Glowy.
Gl1m0: I-I didn’t forget, I was preoccupied, okay?!
I'm a jock (in case u couldn't tell)
All: We could.
Scootaloo: But we just didn't care.
and I wear mostly sweat and awesome.
Gl1m0: It’s possible to wear awesome? Rainbow Dash would get a kick out of that.
Scootaloo: Totally!
I love gOlds' Gym and I train all my there. For example today I did 50 wife throws with target wedding ring toss,
Screwball: Beating out Shining Armor by almost 49 points. The poor sap didn’t even have a chance, what, with only having one wife and all.
jumped 30 sharks (blue and bala and greate white), stole 40 cakes,
Scootaloo: He stole forty cakes?
AJ: That’s as many as four tens!
Gl1m0: And that’s terrible.
and shot a biathlete.
Gl1m0: He was a threat to his Gary Stu-ness, and had to be put down.
I was in the showers after. It was raining outside but also inside until I turned off the weather.
Scootaloo: But he’s not even a pegasus!
Screwball: Nope! He's an alicorn!
Gl1m0: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE.
AJ: Hey! Mind yer language, sugarcube! There's a foal present!
Gl1m0: Huh? ...Oh, dammit! Sorry!
A lot of earth ponies stared at me. I magicked a middle finger at them.
All except Gl1m0: What’s a “finger”?
Gl1m0: Ah, it’s times like this that I really don’t miss human society.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: No, dogs don’t count.
"Hey Meddle!" shoulted a voice. I looked up. It was…
Scootaloo: A bird!
Screwball: A bagel!
Gl1m0: An Anti-Stu Missile!
Princess Twilicorn!
Gl1m0: Oh hello generic Stu love interest.
Screwball: And goodbye, broken fandom.
"What's up Sparkles?" I asked.
Gl1m0: The ceiling! …I’m sorry.
AJ: (smacks Gl1m0) That’s two, sugarcube.
"Nothing." She said blushing.
Screwball: Well, it is a pretty hot day out.
Gl1m0: High nineties, man. With any luck, they’ll melt before long.
But then, I heard my coach who was also my mom call me and I had to go away.
AJ: Not fer long apparently, ‘cause there’s more chapters.
Screwball: Each more wonderfully painful than the last!
AJ: …You remind me too much of Pinkie.
Screwball: Oh, Pinkie? We go way back. She stopped returning my calls though, but that’s only ‘cuz I maxed out her phone service card. Whoopsie!
Gl1m0: And that’s the reason why I’ve put Screwball here on a METERED connection plan from here on out. She has a habit of shooting her mouth off…
Screwball: What? That’s not shooting my mouth off! (Draws a cartoonishly-proportioned shotgun and shoots herself in the face. Her mouth is, somehow, blown away and sticks to the wall.) That’s shooting my mouth off!
Scootaloo: How… how did you even…?
Gl1m0: Ugh… Screwball, put your piehole back where it belongs; we still have another chapter to do.
Screwball: “The Day The Grammar Died.”
(AN: HAY MURDERATORS:
Gl1m0: That’s a rather serious accusation towards the mods, don’t you think?
Screwball: They screw us, so we screw them right back! No harm done.
AJ: An’ why’s he shoutin’? We’re indoors…
arthurs note DOES GOES HERE plz see ORIGANAL FIC based off kthx)
Scootaloo: Who’s Arthur? And where’s the note?
Gl1m0: It’s buried in a sea of no caps and all caps.
aslo happy March 32nd kk?)
Screwball: Oooh, that’s my favorite day! I wish it was March 32nd all year long.
(AN: Spescial broo hoves 2 Baxle 4 fixng alll teh spelling erras)
AJ: An’ with that, Ah think it’s safe to say that we’re in fer a ride.
Gl1m0: Oh god, I actually regret skipping out on that HiE story with Pinkie, now…
Hi my name is Medal Pector'al Biathlon Lula Whinny
Scootaloo: I don’t think that’s a legal name.
Screwball: Quick, somepony sue him!
and I'm a 12-time Junior equestrian Games meddlist (that's how I got my name) with golds in throwing things
Gl1m0: He’s got quite an arm.
and golds in galloping and golds in sportsmareship
AJ: Like that time he pushed all o’ her racin’ buddies into that gorge? Yep, real sportscolt-like conduct, there.
with a mane that reaches my mid-back
Screwball: Pfft. Get a haircut, hippie.
and icy purple eyes like limpid sweaters
Scootaloo: So icy, he couldn’t even move them around.
Gl1m0: And as a result, he is forever doomed to look like a Hasbro figurine.
AJ: Also… “limpid sweaters”? Really?
Screwball: They’re in style this season!
and a lot of ponies tell me I look like my dad Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade
Gl1m0: Ah, Mr. Nightblade. Apparently, he’s a pretty decent interior decorator.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: No, Lucy. We can’t hire him to build you a fancy sandbox. Use the bathroom like a proper mare, for god’s sake…
(AN: but if u think he's cooler than my mom get da hell out of here!?).,
Scootaloo: Okay, jeez! Talk about grouchy…
AJ: Don’t sweat it, Scoots. He’s jus’ mad about having a bad OC for his pa.
I'm not related to Trixie Lulamoon and I'm glad because she's major bucking adopted.
Gl1m0: Strangely specific denial, there…
Scootaloo: ……
AJ: …… (Slowly pulls Scootaloo into a hug.)
I'm an inspector but they still let me compete in the games.
Gl1m0: Okay, I just know that violates a few rules.
Screwball: Inspectors get all the fun…
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Screwball: I know, right? They’re such jerks.
I have muscles.
Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Do you even lift?
I'm also Miss Lovingcup Harshwhinnny's colt, and I live w/ith her for the last seventeen years (I'm sixteen).
Gl1m0: I… actually, that’s technically correct. Assuming that we factor in the nine months before he was actually born, of course…
AJ: Ah was more concerned ‘bout the fact he’s an obvious Gary Stu regardless, but yeah, Ah see your point.
Screwball: What, no mention of the lack of past tense? You’re slipping again, Glowy.
Gl1m0: I-I didn’t forget, I was preoccupied, okay?!
I'm a jock (in case u couldn't tell)
All: We could.
Scootaloo: But we just didn't care.
and I wear mostly sweat and awesome.
Gl1m0: It’s possible to wear awesome? Rainbow Dash would get a kick out of that.
Scootaloo: Totally!
I love gOlds' Gym and I train all my there. For example today I did 50 wife throws with target wedding ring toss,
Screwball: Beating out Shining Armor by almost 49 points. The poor sap didn’t even have a chance, what, with only having one wife and all.
jumped 30 sharks (blue and bala and greate white), stole 40 cakes,
Scootaloo: He stole forty cakes?
AJ: That’s as many as four tens!
Gl1m0: And that’s terrible.
and shot a biathlete.
Gl1m0: He was a threat to his Gary Stu-ness, and had to be put down.
I was in the showers after. It was raining outside but also inside until I turned off the weather.
Scootaloo: But he’s not even a pegasus!
Screwball: Nope! He's an alicorn!
Gl1m0: Oh, for FUCK'S SAKE.
AJ: Hey! Mind yer language, sugarcube! There's a foal present!
Gl1m0: Huh? ...Oh, dammit! Sorry!
A lot of earth ponies stared at me. I magicked a middle finger at them.
All except Gl1m0: What’s a “finger”?
Gl1m0: Ah, it’s times like this that I really don’t miss human society.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: No, dogs don’t count.
"Hey Meddle!" shoulted a voice. I looked up. It was…
Scootaloo: A bird!
Screwball: A bagel!
Gl1m0: An Anti-Stu Missile!
Princess Twilicorn!
Gl1m0: Oh hello generic Stu love interest.
Screwball: And goodbye, broken fandom.
"What's up Sparkles?" I asked.
Gl1m0: The ceiling! …I’m sorry.
AJ: (smacks Gl1m0) That’s two, sugarcube.
"Nothing." She said blushing.
Screwball: Well, it is a pretty hot day out.
Gl1m0: High nineties, man. With any luck, they’ll melt before long.
But then, I heard my coach who was also my mom call me and I had to go away.
AJ: Not fer long apparently, ‘cause there’s more chapters.
Screwball: Each more wonderfully painful than the last!
AJ: …You remind me too much of Pinkie.
Screwball: Oh, Pinkie? We go way back. She stopped returning my calls though, but that’s only ‘cuz I maxed out her phone service card. Whoopsie!
Gl1m0: And that’s the reason why I’ve put Screwball here on a METERED connection plan from here on out. She has a habit of shooting her mouth off…
Screwball: What? That’s not shooting my mouth off! (Draws a cartoonishly-proportioned shotgun and shoots herself in the face. Her mouth is, somehow, blown away and sticks to the wall.) That’s shooting my mouth off!
Scootaloo: How… how did you even…?
Gl1m0: Ugh… Screwball, put your piehole back where it belongs; we still have another chapter to do.
Chapetr 2:
Gl1m0: “The Retrun of the Mipselld Wrods.”
(AN: this is an author's note ok)
AJ: Of course, thanks fer lettin’ us know.
Screwball: Wasn’t that nice of him?
The next day I woke up from being asleep.
Gl1m0: -with the hangover from Hell.
It was sunny so I made it rain on earth ponies. I got up off my exercise mat & drank a bottle of taurine and harsh training.
Gl1m0: Meh, I prefer my bottle of taurine and training light; 'harsh' is way too salty for my tastes.
Scootaloo: "In stores now, while supplies last!"
My mat was lined with my Meddles
Screwball: Looks like our hero was abusin' the mirror pool, methinks.
AJ: He obviously couldn't get enough o' himself, so he made more. Many more.
Gl1m0: And then they all fu...made lovely woohoo time. The End.
Scootaloo: "Woohoo time"? What's that like?
Gl1m0: Er... I am contractually obliged not to inform you of that until you are at least the legal age of consent.
Scootaloo: ...Habbla-what-now?
AJ: WAIT 'TIL YOU'RE OLDER, sugarcube.
and decorated with stallionly blue medicine balls.
Gl1m0: Okay... that's just wrong.
Scootaloo: Why? Don't we decorate Hearth's Warming trees with balls? Don't we play with them out in the field on sunny days?
Gl1m0: Well, technically yes, but the context just... leaves something to be desired.
Scootaloo: Uh... why?
Gl1m0: ...I give up. Her young mind is just too pure for me to scar now...
I gotup off the mat and took off my spandex which shows off my muscles.
AJ: ...Any chance you keep some o' that 'brain bleach' stuff handy?
Gl1m0: In the cupboard, second row down, on the left.
AJ: Thank ya kindly. (Runs off to get some.)
Screwball: What a lightweight.
Instead of flexign I did wing pushups, 30 self-facebucks, and only 49 house lifts instead of 50 because I was having a bad day.
Screwball: His Pony AIDS check came back positive.
Gl1m0: He was a fool, and didn't wrap his tool.
I cried manly tears.
Gl1m0: Please. That's so beta. Nothing compares to the manly tenderness of LIQUID PRIDE!
My best sister friend Trixie (AN: if u want to be my prerater which is like an inspector of prereaders
Screwball: We get to inspect the prereaders for a change?! HECK'S YEAH, SIGN ME UP!
AJ: Make that two. Whoever passed this story needs a slap.
Gl1m0: I could certainly think of more suitable punishment than a mere “slap”.
then this OC can represent u!)
Gl1m0: Wait, wait, WAIT. Trixie is not an OC. She’s a recently-reformed antagonist that starred in two full episodes. Calling her an OC is probably a surefire way of getting Sethisto’s boot up your ass, among other orifices. Not even counting what the mare herself will do to ya. This author is tempting fate a little bit too often on this fic, methinks.
woke up fro my mat and grinned at me. She flipped her long athletic mane and did a workout of her own.
Screwball: I never thought it possible to have a mane that did sports.
Gl1m0: And seeing as how that comment is coming from you, that’s really saying something.
20 hoof curls, 30 luges and she shot a biathlete. We both showered and toweled off but not too much so we could glisten with mucscular exertion.
AJ: Ah bet that they’re shinier than--
Gl1m0: DON’T you DARE make that comparison.
I felt better.
All: Speak for yourself.
"OMBA I saw u talking to Twilicorn Princess yesterday!" she said excitedly!
Scootaloo: Yes, we know! That exclamation point thing already clued us in!
AJ: An’ what’n the hay does “OMBA” mean, anyway?
Gl1m0: Given the context and previous indicators, “Oh my bucking alicorn.”
Screwball: So, she’s talking to her alicorn, who is good at kickin’ stuff.
Gl1m0: Well, she’s obviously not talking to “Meddle”, then.
"Yeah so?" I said, holding back a manly blush.
Gl1m0: It’s normal. A blush can’t be ANYTHING aside from manly.
"You like her" she said as we went downstairs where mom had made breakfast of victory and stern angst. It tasted like oats.
AJ: “Angsty-O’s”; part of a complete breakfast.
Screwball: And then I said, “Oatmeal, why you taste so meddle?”
"No I so bucking don't" I shouted.
"Yeah right!" she said. Just then, Twilicorn ranged the doorbell.
Gl1m0: AS IF THINGS COULDN’T BE ANY MORE WORSE, I HAVE TO EXPLORE THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN!?!
AJ: You don’t really like those kinda mistakes, do ya pard?
"Hi." she said flirtily.
"Hi." I said flirtily.
Screwball: So. DEEP.
"Guess what." she said flirtily.
Gl1m0: The story is over?
AJ: Apples a day actually don’t keep the Doctor away?
"What?" I said flirtily.
Screwball: “As it turns out, yer a Marty Stu. We’ll need to put you down.”
"You two are so cute" Trixie said flirtily.
Gl1m0: THERE ARE OTHER ADJECTIVES BESIDES “FLIRTILY” YOU KNOW! AND “FLIRTILY” ISN’T EVEN AN ADJECTIVE TO BEGIN WITH! …Speaking of which… (scribbles in the dictionary) …Aaaand now you’ve just been half-validated. Feel proud, author… while you still can.
"Shut up you're adopted," Twilicorn and I said. We all laughed.
Scootaloo: We did too. After we were done crying, of course.
Gl1m0: …I never stopped. (sobs a little bit)
Screwball: Pfft. Pussy.
"So"
"Yeah."
"So what do you wanna do today?"
"I dunno"
Screwball: SO. DEEP.
"Maybe," Twilicorn said we can go inspect Cloudsdale for the upcoming games!"
AJ: And that has been Twilight’s favorite pastime since… never.
Gl1m0: Doesn’t this guy’s mom already kind of cover that job, anyway? The pointlessness of these plot devices PAINS me.
Screwball: No word on the misplacement of quotation marks? I’m disappointed, Glowy.
Gl1m0: What are you talking abou—? …Oh, piss off.
"oH. mY. bUCKING. aLICORN." I screamed.
Gl1m0: If you listen closely, you can almost hear the mournful cries of a heavily-abused caps lock key, begging for a kind soul to put it out of its misery.
Screwball: I’d be feelin’ for that Shift key, too.
Cloudsdale is my favorite place to inspect besides Harshwhinnia.
Scootaloo: …Okay, but why?
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: “Because clouds”, apparently.
"Well…… do you want to go with me?" she asked.
I gasped.
Gl1m0: “GREAT SCOTT!”
Screwball: The generic love interest is showing generic interest in love?! STOP THE PRESSES, WE NEED THIS IN PRINT!
AJ: Whew nelly, is it jus’ me or are these chapters gettin’ worse?
Gl1m0: At least they’re short, so thank God for that.
Scootaloo: Uh, the screen says that there’s… ten more.
AJ: Ten whole chapters of this...?
Screwloose: (whines)
Gl1m0: My thoughts exactly. It just can't be over 'til it's over.
Gl1m0: “The Retrun of the Mipselld Wrods.”
(AN: this is an author's note ok)
AJ: Of course, thanks fer lettin’ us know.
Screwball: Wasn’t that nice of him?
The next day I woke up from being asleep.
Gl1m0: -with the hangover from Hell.
It was sunny so I made it rain on earth ponies. I got up off my exercise mat & drank a bottle of taurine and harsh training.
Gl1m0: Meh, I prefer my bottle of taurine and training light; 'harsh' is way too salty for my tastes.
Scootaloo: "In stores now, while supplies last!"
My mat was lined with my Meddles
Screwball: Looks like our hero was abusin' the mirror pool, methinks.
AJ: He obviously couldn't get enough o' himself, so he made more. Many more.
Gl1m0: And then they all fu...made lovely woohoo time. The End.
Scootaloo: "Woohoo time"? What's that like?
Gl1m0: Er... I am contractually obliged not to inform you of that until you are at least the legal age of consent.
Scootaloo: ...Habbla-what-now?
AJ: WAIT 'TIL YOU'RE OLDER, sugarcube.
and decorated with stallionly blue medicine balls.
Gl1m0: Okay... that's just wrong.
Scootaloo: Why? Don't we decorate Hearth's Warming trees with balls? Don't we play with them out in the field on sunny days?
Gl1m0: Well, technically yes, but the context just... leaves something to be desired.
Scootaloo: Uh... why?
Gl1m0: ...I give up. Her young mind is just too pure for me to scar now...
I gotup off the mat and took off my spandex which shows off my muscles.
AJ: ...Any chance you keep some o' that 'brain bleach' stuff handy?
Gl1m0: In the cupboard, second row down, on the left.
AJ: Thank ya kindly. (Runs off to get some.)
Screwball: What a lightweight.
Instead of flexign I did wing pushups, 30 self-facebucks, and only 49 house lifts instead of 50 because I was having a bad day.
Screwball: His Pony AIDS check came back positive.
Gl1m0: He was a fool, and didn't wrap his tool.
I cried manly tears.
Gl1m0: Please. That's so beta. Nothing compares to the manly tenderness of LIQUID PRIDE!
My best sister friend Trixie (AN: if u want to be my prerater which is like an inspector of prereaders
Screwball: We get to inspect the prereaders for a change?! HECK'S YEAH, SIGN ME UP!
AJ: Make that two. Whoever passed this story needs a slap.
Gl1m0: I could certainly think of more suitable punishment than a mere “slap”.
then this OC can represent u!)
Gl1m0: Wait, wait, WAIT. Trixie is not an OC. She’s a recently-reformed antagonist that starred in two full episodes. Calling her an OC is probably a surefire way of getting Sethisto’s boot up your ass, among other orifices. Not even counting what the mare herself will do to ya. This author is tempting fate a little bit too often on this fic, methinks.
woke up fro my mat and grinned at me. She flipped her long athletic mane and did a workout of her own.
Screwball: I never thought it possible to have a mane that did sports.
Gl1m0: And seeing as how that comment is coming from you, that’s really saying something.
20 hoof curls, 30 luges and she shot a biathlete. We both showered and toweled off but not too much so we could glisten with mucscular exertion.
AJ: Ah bet that they’re shinier than--
Gl1m0: DON’T you DARE make that comparison.
I felt better.
All: Speak for yourself.
"OMBA I saw u talking to Twilicorn Princess yesterday!" she said excitedly!
Scootaloo: Yes, we know! That exclamation point thing already clued us in!
AJ: An’ what’n the hay does “OMBA” mean, anyway?
Gl1m0: Given the context and previous indicators, “Oh my bucking alicorn.”
Screwball: So, she’s talking to her alicorn, who is good at kickin’ stuff.
Gl1m0: Well, she’s obviously not talking to “Meddle”, then.
"Yeah so?" I said, holding back a manly blush.
Gl1m0: It’s normal. A blush can’t be ANYTHING aside from manly.
"You like her" she said as we went downstairs where mom had made breakfast of victory and stern angst. It tasted like oats.
AJ: “Angsty-O’s”; part of a complete breakfast.
Screwball: And then I said, “Oatmeal, why you taste so meddle?”
"No I so bucking don't" I shouted.
"Yeah right!" she said. Just then, Twilicorn ranged the doorbell.
Gl1m0: AS IF THINGS COULDN’T BE ANY MORE WORSE, I HAVE TO EXPLORE THIS BULLSHIT AGAIN!?!
AJ: You don’t really like those kinda mistakes, do ya pard?
"Hi." she said flirtily.
"Hi." I said flirtily.
Screwball: So. DEEP.
"Guess what." she said flirtily.
Gl1m0: The story is over?
AJ: Apples a day actually don’t keep the Doctor away?
"What?" I said flirtily.
Screwball: “As it turns out, yer a Marty Stu. We’ll need to put you down.”
"You two are so cute" Trixie said flirtily.
Gl1m0: THERE ARE OTHER ADJECTIVES BESIDES “FLIRTILY” YOU KNOW! AND “FLIRTILY” ISN’T EVEN AN ADJECTIVE TO BEGIN WITH! …Speaking of which… (scribbles in the dictionary) …Aaaand now you’ve just been half-validated. Feel proud, author… while you still can.
"Shut up you're adopted," Twilicorn and I said. We all laughed.
Scootaloo: We did too. After we were done crying, of course.
Gl1m0: …I never stopped. (sobs a little bit)
Screwball: Pfft. Pussy.
"So"
"Yeah."
"So what do you wanna do today?"
"I dunno"
Screwball: SO. DEEP.
"Maybe," Twilicorn said we can go inspect Cloudsdale for the upcoming games!"
AJ: And that has been Twilight’s favorite pastime since… never.
Gl1m0: Doesn’t this guy’s mom already kind of cover that job, anyway? The pointlessness of these plot devices PAINS me.
Screwball: No word on the misplacement of quotation marks? I’m disappointed, Glowy.
Gl1m0: What are you talking abou—? …Oh, piss off.
"oH. mY. bUCKING. aLICORN." I screamed.
Gl1m0: If you listen closely, you can almost hear the mournful cries of a heavily-abused caps lock key, begging for a kind soul to put it out of its misery.
Screwball: I’d be feelin’ for that Shift key, too.
Cloudsdale is my favorite place to inspect besides Harshwhinnia.
Scootaloo: …Okay, but why?
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: “Because clouds”, apparently.
"Well…… do you want to go with me?" she asked.
I gasped.
Gl1m0: “GREAT SCOTT!”
Screwball: The generic love interest is showing generic interest in love?! STOP THE PRESSES, WE NEED THIS IN PRINT!
AJ: Whew nelly, is it jus’ me or are these chapters gettin’ worse?
Gl1m0: At least they’re short, so thank God for that.
Scootaloo: Uh, the screen says that there’s… ten more.
AJ: Ten whole chapters of this...?
Screwloose: (whines)
Gl1m0: My thoughts exactly. It just can't be over 'til it's over.
Chpater 3
Gl1m0: So, a chpater… Sounds like a monster from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.
(AN: I can't start 2 complane abt flamming from NERDS until u GIVE ME SOEM FLAMES!!!!
Screwball: “UR sTOR13s SUX N UR FAM1lee SUX & U is A DUM@S$!!!1!” …How was that?
Gl1m0: Aside from shattering my perspective on pronouncing symbols, quite well, actually.
Odderwize guess I'll just fic more ok)
AJ: Please don’t.
Scootaloo: It’s too late. He fic’d more.
Gl1m0: (to self while writing in dictionary) …‘Fic’; verb: the act of writing piles of mediocre slop with the hopes of self-fulfillment; also see: deviantART…
To get ready for the inspection I went back to my gym and flew 30 laps.
AJ: Ah wonder how he managed to keep track of ‘em.
Screwball: He’s a Stu, he’s got a friggin’ counter implanted into his brain.
Gl1m0: What don’t they have implanted in their brain?
In between the laps I did flips on the parallel bars. The parallel bars were pole vaults so I vaulted 50 feet. I was working up a sweat so I slicked back my mane with Gu energy gel.
Gl1m0: It’s amazing what you can buy with money these days.
Scootaloo: Huh… “energy” gel? Isn’t it supposed to be “mane gel”, or…?
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: No, it’s exactly what you think it is. Let it sink in.
I did a long jump and soared out of the house entirely. But I didn't beat my own record so I felt depressed.
Screwball: Failing to live up to his mighty Stu legacy is not an easy thing to accept.
I kicked an earth pony and ate lunch.
Gl1m0: Ah, because the word “buck” in this context would imply a COMPLETELY different connotation, so you settled for “kick”. Smart move, story. You have saved yourself from the full extent of my wrath.
Mom did her own training. It tasted like oats.
Scootaloo: I… think that he must really like oats, then.
Screwloose: Bark.
Gl1m0: “You don’t say.” Hm, well said.
I went outside. Twilicorn was waiting there in frot of her hot air balloon which had racing stripes.
Screwball: It’s a proven scientific fact; painting racing stripes on something makes it go faster.
AJ: That don’t make any sense…
Screwball: Precisely. That’s why it works.
She wore a T shirt saying "I inspected Fillydelphia & all I got was this lousy shirt"
Gl1m0: …Points for the reference, but that’s ALL you get.
Screwball: What, no mention of the fact that--
Gl1m0: I KNOW ALICORNS CAN’T WEAR T-SHIRTS, SHUT UP!
(we were going to inspect FillyD on the way too), which was spandex and showed off her brain muscles.
Scootaloo: So… if that’s true, wouldn’t there be a hole in her head, or something?
Screwball: The Stu obviously has X-ray vision, so of course not!
Gl1m0: I wonder if that means he can also see through her clo…wait, that’s a bit pointless; ponies don’t wear clothes. (thinks about this for a moment) …Oh lord, I’m surrounded by the equine equivalent of naked females.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: Well, I suppose that straitjacket does count as clothing…
(AN: Mucsles can b kewl on girlicorns too ok!!)
AJ: Not sure if Ah should feel disgusted or embarrassed…
Gl1m0: You do have a pretty well-built figure, if I may comment as such.
AJ: ……Sugarcube, are you hittin’ on me?
Gl1m0: What the hell—no! Jeez, take a simple compliment for a change! Sheesh…
"Hi Twilicorn!" I said still depressed.
Gl1m0: Your must be the most enthusiastically-depressed Marty Stu of all time.
"Hi Medlle." She said back.
AJ: Ah wonder if a constantly changin' the spelling of a name is another Stu power...
Screwball: Or maybe... making us think that he has more Stu powers than he does is a Stu power in and of itself!
We walked into her flying balloon (the ballast was gold meddles) and flew to Cloudsdale.
Screwball: He's got swag in those sacks.
Gl1m0: I really hope you're only referring to the medals.
On the way we visited Fillydelphia and Appleloosa. They bribed us with drugs but the steroids weren't good enough for the international Eqeustrian Games.
Gl1m0: They didn't match up to the Unfair Steroid Regulations. They had to at LEAST make the user slightly better than impossibly talented.
When we got to the Games we flew out of the balloon. We went to the cloudsdale Stadium where athletes were competing.
Scootaloo: What? Cloudsdale's not important enough to be capitalized, but a random stadium is?
AJ: It's where the athletes were competing, Scoots.
Screwball: That instantly makes it more important! Your argument has been invalidated!
We inspected by competing. They handed us Powerthirsts and we all sang the powerthirst song.
Screwball: "I WANNA HEAR YA YELL!" (starts headbanging)
"Give Powerthirst to your foals and they'll be good at SPORTS!
Make your foals fly ABNORMALLY FAST!
Gl1m0: Because all the parents in Equestria WANT their kids to be abnormally fast. Uh-huh. Sure.
Scootaloo: As fast as Rainbow Dash?!
Gl1m0: ...Sure. Maybe even faster.
Scootaloo: Aw yeah, SWEET!
They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS!
People will watch them flying and think they're ZEBRANS!
Gl1m0: Because apparently "Zebrans" can fly. Uh-huh. Sure.
AJ: Ah'm sure Zecora is keepin' somethin' from us...
They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! Against actual ZEBRANS!
Then it'll be a tie and they'll be deported back to ZEBRA!" (AN: I don't own dese lyrics)
Screwball: He jacked 'em from a racist third-grader's notebook.
Screwloose: Bark, bark.
Gl1m0: "And he'd be much better off without them." True, true.
We flew in the Young Flyer's Competition. Rainbow Dashicorn was there.
Gl1m0: Alicorns. Alicorns everywhere.
AJ: Really, Ah'm just waiting for "Applecorn" to show up sooner 'r later.
"Dashicorn is so bucking hot."
Screwball: "Just look at how her mane catches fire in the sunlight..."
I said to Twilicorn, pointing to her as she rainboomed and got silver after me.
AJ: ...Wait, who "rainboomed"? Rainbow or Twilight?
Gl1m0: You're still hung up on that? I was just about call bullshit on Rainbow losing to this guy.
Suddenly Twilicorn looked sad.
Gl1m0: And I felt mad.
AJ: While Ah felt glad... that Ah'm not in this story.
Screwball: Meanwhile, I've been bad~!
Gl1m0: ...where the hell did my fez go? Wait... SCREWBALL!!
Screwball: You're so cute when you're flustered.
Gl1m0: (snatches back the stylish headgear) For Luna's sake, act your age already! Frig...
"What's wrong?" I asked as we raced to a tie. Then I caught on.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Obviously, she's so amazed by my all-encompassing awesomeness that she's been sucked dry of all hope of ever matching my awesomeness. Yes, that's it."
"Hey it's ok I think YOU'RE a better athelete!" I said as we flew.
"Really?" emoted Twilicorn as she put her wing around me.
Screwball: [Meddle] "L0LNOP3! U IS 5UX0RS! >:D"
Scootaloo: ...Did she just say "El-zero-el-no-three! You is five-u-ex-zero-ar-ess! Greater-than colon-D?"
Gl1m0: Yeah. She got stuck inside our internet connection for a month. Picked up on some new speaking habits.
Screwball: 5hut up, n00b! D:<
Gl1m0: ...Don't ask.
"Really." I said. "Besides we don't ever have to mention Dashicorn again since I learned to rainboom from watching her.
Gl1m0: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we were reading a friggin' Pokemon fanfic.
Screwball: Meddle is best not-Smeargle.
She can go back to her lesbians with Applejack." I said disgustedly
AJ: ........
Gl1m0: And as it turns out, you ARE mentioned in the story.
AJ: FER THE LUVA GRANNY SMITH, AH DON'T SWING THAT WAY! WHY DO ALL THESE FANFICS KEEP ASSUMIN' THAT JUNK?!
Screwball: I think that AJ may be slightly upset.
even though lesbians is totally ok and hot to watch.
Scootaloo: Um... "lesbians" is when two girls are... you know... "liking" each other, right?
Gl1m0: Er... yes, essentially. It's bound to happen in societies that are predominantly female, since there's a lot of competition for "owning" the males.
AJ: Buckin' horseapples, Ah ain't a lesbian!
Screwball: It totally is hot, by the way. Just sayin'.
Gl1m0: ...Screwball, is there something you're not telling me?
The inspection went really well so I awarded Cloudsdale the Equestrian games.
Gl1m0: I can just imagine the look on Rainbow's face...
Screwball: [Rainbow] "About buckin' time, ya hornheads!"
So did Twilicorn. And my mom, so it was anonymous. After the inspection, we took our gold medals and everyone asked for our autographs, including Dashicorn and Raricorn (AN: who's not an alicorn she just calls herself that).
AJ: Oh, so Rarity is the only one who ain't an alicorn? Right. Gotcha.
Gl1m0: Makes sense. She learned her lesson way back then.
Screwball: [Rarity] "WING BURNS, SUN BAD!"
Twilicorn and I vaulted back into the baalloon, but she didn't fly us home, instead she flew us into……… the Everfree Forest!
Screwloose: BARK!
Gl1m0: "PLOT TWIST!" Couldn't have said it better myself, Lucy.
Screwball: Need an ominous, dark place to get lost and/or die in? BAM! EVERFREE FOREST! IS BEAUTIFUL!
AJ: An' we're only a quarter-ways done, too...
Gl1m0: So, a chpater… Sounds like a monster from an H.P. Lovecraft novel.
(AN: I can't start 2 complane abt flamming from NERDS until u GIVE ME SOEM FLAMES!!!!
Screwball: “UR sTOR13s SUX N UR FAM1lee SUX & U is A DUM@S$!!!1!” …How was that?
Gl1m0: Aside from shattering my perspective on pronouncing symbols, quite well, actually.
Odderwize guess I'll just fic more ok)
AJ: Please don’t.
Scootaloo: It’s too late. He fic’d more.
Gl1m0: (to self while writing in dictionary) …‘Fic’; verb: the act of writing piles of mediocre slop with the hopes of self-fulfillment; also see: deviantART…
To get ready for the inspection I went back to my gym and flew 30 laps.
AJ: Ah wonder how he managed to keep track of ‘em.
Screwball: He’s a Stu, he’s got a friggin’ counter implanted into his brain.
Gl1m0: What don’t they have implanted in their brain?
In between the laps I did flips on the parallel bars. The parallel bars were pole vaults so I vaulted 50 feet. I was working up a sweat so I slicked back my mane with Gu energy gel.
Gl1m0: It’s amazing what you can buy with money these days.
Scootaloo: Huh… “energy” gel? Isn’t it supposed to be “mane gel”, or…?
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: No, it’s exactly what you think it is. Let it sink in.
I did a long jump and soared out of the house entirely. But I didn't beat my own record so I felt depressed.
Screwball: Failing to live up to his mighty Stu legacy is not an easy thing to accept.
I kicked an earth pony and ate lunch.
Gl1m0: Ah, because the word “buck” in this context would imply a COMPLETELY different connotation, so you settled for “kick”. Smart move, story. You have saved yourself from the full extent of my wrath.
Mom did her own training. It tasted like oats.
Scootaloo: I… think that he must really like oats, then.
Screwloose: Bark.
Gl1m0: “You don’t say.” Hm, well said.
I went outside. Twilicorn was waiting there in frot of her hot air balloon which had racing stripes.
Screwball: It’s a proven scientific fact; painting racing stripes on something makes it go faster.
AJ: That don’t make any sense…
Screwball: Precisely. That’s why it works.
She wore a T shirt saying "I inspected Fillydelphia & all I got was this lousy shirt"
Gl1m0: …Points for the reference, but that’s ALL you get.
Screwball: What, no mention of the fact that--
Gl1m0: I KNOW ALICORNS CAN’T WEAR T-SHIRTS, SHUT UP!
(we were going to inspect FillyD on the way too), which was spandex and showed off her brain muscles.
Scootaloo: So… if that’s true, wouldn’t there be a hole in her head, or something?
Screwball: The Stu obviously has X-ray vision, so of course not!
Gl1m0: I wonder if that means he can also see through her clo…wait, that’s a bit pointless; ponies don’t wear clothes. (thinks about this for a moment) …Oh lord, I’m surrounded by the equine equivalent of naked females.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: Well, I suppose that straitjacket does count as clothing…
(AN: Mucsles can b kewl on girlicorns too ok!!)
AJ: Not sure if Ah should feel disgusted or embarrassed…
Gl1m0: You do have a pretty well-built figure, if I may comment as such.
AJ: ……Sugarcube, are you hittin’ on me?
Gl1m0: What the hell—no! Jeez, take a simple compliment for a change! Sheesh…
"Hi Twilicorn!" I said still depressed.
Gl1m0: Your must be the most enthusiastically-depressed Marty Stu of all time.
"Hi Medlle." She said back.
AJ: Ah wonder if a constantly changin' the spelling of a name is another Stu power...
Screwball: Or maybe... making us think that he has more Stu powers than he does is a Stu power in and of itself!
We walked into her flying balloon (the ballast was gold meddles) and flew to Cloudsdale.
Screwball: He's got swag in those sacks.
Gl1m0: I really hope you're only referring to the medals.
On the way we visited Fillydelphia and Appleloosa. They bribed us with drugs but the steroids weren't good enough for the international Eqeustrian Games.
Gl1m0: They didn't match up to the Unfair Steroid Regulations. They had to at LEAST make the user slightly better than impossibly talented.
When we got to the Games we flew out of the balloon. We went to the cloudsdale Stadium where athletes were competing.
Scootaloo: What? Cloudsdale's not important enough to be capitalized, but a random stadium is?
AJ: It's where the athletes were competing, Scoots.
Screwball: That instantly makes it more important! Your argument has been invalidated!
We inspected by competing. They handed us Powerthirsts and we all sang the powerthirst song.
Screwball: "I WANNA HEAR YA YELL!" (starts headbanging)
"Give Powerthirst to your foals and they'll be good at SPORTS!
Make your foals fly ABNORMALLY FAST!
Gl1m0: Because all the parents in Equestria WANT their kids to be abnormally fast. Uh-huh. Sure.
Scootaloo: As fast as Rainbow Dash?!
Gl1m0: ...Sure. Maybe even faster.
Scootaloo: Aw yeah, SWEET!
They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS!
People will watch them flying and think they're ZEBRANS!
Gl1m0: Because apparently "Zebrans" can fly. Uh-huh. Sure.
AJ: Ah'm sure Zecora is keepin' somethin' from us...
They'll fly as fast as ZEBRANS! Against actual ZEBRANS!
Then it'll be a tie and they'll be deported back to ZEBRA!" (AN: I don't own dese lyrics)
Screwball: He jacked 'em from a racist third-grader's notebook.
Screwloose: Bark, bark.
Gl1m0: "And he'd be much better off without them." True, true.
We flew in the Young Flyer's Competition. Rainbow Dashicorn was there.
Gl1m0: Alicorns. Alicorns everywhere.
AJ: Really, Ah'm just waiting for "Applecorn" to show up sooner 'r later.
"Dashicorn is so bucking hot."
Screwball: "Just look at how her mane catches fire in the sunlight..."
I said to Twilicorn, pointing to her as she rainboomed and got silver after me.
AJ: ...Wait, who "rainboomed"? Rainbow or Twilight?
Gl1m0: You're still hung up on that? I was just about call bullshit on Rainbow losing to this guy.
Suddenly Twilicorn looked sad.
Gl1m0: And I felt mad.
AJ: While Ah felt glad... that Ah'm not in this story.
Screwball: Meanwhile, I've been bad~!
Gl1m0: ...where the hell did my fez go? Wait... SCREWBALL!!
Screwball: You're so cute when you're flustered.
Gl1m0: (snatches back the stylish headgear) For Luna's sake, act your age already! Frig...
"What's wrong?" I asked as we raced to a tie. Then I caught on.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Obviously, she's so amazed by my all-encompassing awesomeness that she's been sucked dry of all hope of ever matching my awesomeness. Yes, that's it."
"Hey it's ok I think YOU'RE a better athelete!" I said as we flew.
"Really?" emoted Twilicorn as she put her wing around me.
Screwball: [Meddle] "L0LNOP3! U IS 5UX0RS! >:D"
Scootaloo: ...Did she just say "El-zero-el-no-three! You is five-u-ex-zero-ar-ess! Greater-than colon-D?"
Gl1m0: Yeah. She got stuck inside our internet connection for a month. Picked up on some new speaking habits.
Screwball: 5hut up, n00b! D:<
Gl1m0: ...Don't ask.
"Really." I said. "Besides we don't ever have to mention Dashicorn again since I learned to rainboom from watching her.
Gl1m0: I'm sorry, I wasn't aware that we were reading a friggin' Pokemon fanfic.
Screwball: Meddle is best not-Smeargle.
She can go back to her lesbians with Applejack." I said disgustedly
AJ: ........
Gl1m0: And as it turns out, you ARE mentioned in the story.
AJ: FER THE LUVA GRANNY SMITH, AH DON'T SWING THAT WAY! WHY DO ALL THESE FANFICS KEEP ASSUMIN' THAT JUNK?!
Screwball: I think that AJ may be slightly upset.
even though lesbians is totally ok and hot to watch.
Scootaloo: Um... "lesbians" is when two girls are... you know... "liking" each other, right?
Gl1m0: Er... yes, essentially. It's bound to happen in societies that are predominantly female, since there's a lot of competition for "owning" the males.
AJ: Buckin' horseapples, Ah ain't a lesbian!
Screwball: It totally is hot, by the way. Just sayin'.
Gl1m0: ...Screwball, is there something you're not telling me?
The inspection went really well so I awarded Cloudsdale the Equestrian games.
Gl1m0: I can just imagine the look on Rainbow's face...
Screwball: [Rainbow] "About buckin' time, ya hornheads!"
So did Twilicorn. And my mom, so it was anonymous. After the inspection, we took our gold medals and everyone asked for our autographs, including Dashicorn and Raricorn (AN: who's not an alicorn she just calls herself that).
AJ: Oh, so Rarity is the only one who ain't an alicorn? Right. Gotcha.
Gl1m0: Makes sense. She learned her lesson way back then.
Screwball: [Rarity] "WING BURNS, SUN BAD!"
Twilicorn and I vaulted back into the baalloon, but she didn't fly us home, instead she flew us into……… the Everfree Forest!
Screwloose: BARK!
Gl1m0: "PLOT TWIST!" Couldn't have said it better myself, Lucy.
Screwball: Need an ominous, dark place to get lost and/or die in? BAM! EVERFREE FOREST! IS BEAUTIFUL!
AJ: An' we're only a quarter-ways done, too...
Cahpter 4…
Screwball: GET... TO... THE... CAHPTER!
Gl1m0: That's "choppah", you dink.
Screwball: That's what I said! CAHPTER!
Gl1m0: ...You're special. That's all I can say.
(AN: By speshl req I wuz askd 2 make thisc hapter about sexs!
Gl1m0: Aw, damn. This is gonna hurt.
Scootaloo: Why? What's wrong?
AJ: (covers Scootaloo's eyes) This is fer your own good, sugarcube!
Scootaloo: Hey...! What gives, I can't see!
Screwball: Perfect! ONWARDS!
DON'T REED THE PARTS U THNK SUX!
AJ: Were that true, we'd be done already.
Gl1m0: It already feels like a hollow dream, now...
& B4 u ask its moral becuz TWILICORN IS IN LUV W/Metal! Dey got marryed b4 dis fic ok?)
Gl1m0: Pardon me, but WHAT.
AJ: This story jus' went from terrible to genocidal.
Screwball: Well, that wasn't in poor taste at all. Nope.
Gl1m0: ...You know, most brony's hearts would probably fail from this kind of shock, but I'd like to think I'm weathered to it.
Scootaloo: I still can't see! What's going on?!
"SPARKLES!" I questioned. "What the buck do you think you re doing?"
Screwball: Leaving you alone for dead, duh. VENGEANCE IS BEST SERVED COLD, BEE-YOTCH!
Twilicorn didn't answer but leaped down from the balloon into the forest.
AJ: Where she fell and broke her leg.
Screwball: In fifteen places.
Screwloose: Bark.
Gl1m0: "And died." Before being eaten by flesh-melting shrews.
I walked after her, wanting to know what the buck she was doing.
"What the bucking buck!" I asked.
Gl1m0: I'd question the lack of a question mark, but then I'd be needing a question mark that obviously doesn't exist.
"Meddle?" she asked.
"WHAT" I asked.
Gl1m0: Yes, WHAT!
Screwball: WAHT.
AJ: Wut?
Screwloose: Bark?
Scootaloo: ......what?
Gl1m0: Exactly.
Twilicorn leaned in extra-close and I lookked into her muscular open eyes (that she was staring at me with).
Screwball: [Meddle] "Hey, is that a little man inside your eye, spying on me? Hello, spy!"
AJ: Actually, right now, Ah wouldn't be so surprised if she were a robot.
Gl1m0: ...So you do remember the communist squirrels.
AJ: Can we not talk about it...
They were like open windows.
Gl1m0: -that were letting in one hell of a stank.
They reflected the silver meddle around her neck and I realized why she was so sad. Suddenly I wanted to cry too.
Gl1m0: LET THE LIQUID PRIDE FLOW THROUGH YOU!
AJ: And out, preferably. Otherwise, he'd wet himself.
Screwball: But that would be funny as heck!
Scootaloo: What's funny? I still can't see, guys...!
Gl1m0: I'm impressed and yet not at all surprised that you can securely restrain her.
AJ: Well, Ah don't like to boast...
Screwball: Pfft. Earth ponies.
And then…… just as suddenly while I was Twilicorn
Screwball: "No, Meddle... YOU are Twilicorn!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "But... but... THAT'S IMPOSSIBRU!"
passionately climbed on top of me and got to first base.
Gl1m0: Now quick, run to second! Hurry, hurry! Or else you'll get tagged!
"Oh Twilicorn." I said while we kissed afflictionately. Then we started to make out.
Screwball: -the fuzzy image of a manticore.
AJ: Then they were both eaten alive. With applesauce.
Gl1m0: And there was much rejoicing.
"Oh! OH! Ooooohh!!" I screamed. She was giving me an ejaculation.
AJ: Ah don't suppose it was gift-wrapped, eh?
Screwball: Ew, that's nasty! You don't gift-wrap it! You gotta put a bowtie on it; everyone knows that!
Gl1m0: After all, bowties are cool.
We kissed harder. I took off all her clothes and her bra.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Why were you even wearing one?"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Well, artists like drawing us with 'em cuz they're sex-ee!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Good 'nuff for me!"
I don't wear clothes because I'm a pony.
AJ: Then why the hay was Twilight wearin' em?
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "'Cuz they're sex-eeeeee, that's why!"
Then we took off each others's cutiemarks so we were totally naked for you know what.
Gl1m0: You know, if Pinkie Pie from Cupcakes had actually known that cutie marks were easily removable, then she could have saved both her and Rainbow a lot of trouble.
Screwball: Silly logic, sense is for perfume!
I put my hoof between her legs and her navel was wet.
Gl1m0: "Dammit, sorry! Spilled some of my Icee..."
I rubbed it
Screwball: -and a genie popped out, who then granted them three wishes.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "I wish..... for three more wishes!"
AJ: [Genie] "Dangit, man!"
and she put my thing inside. We did it for the first time. And then……
Screwball: He came.
AJ: ......
Screwball: ...to the ball game.
AJ: ...yeah, that's loads better.
"wHAT THE HAY ART THOU DOING THY MOTHERBUKERS" said the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE
Gl1m0: "Don't come in; we're not decent! Come to think of it, we're never decent!"
Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark!
Screwball: Ohhh, snap! Lucy, you got a dirty mind, you do!
Scootaloo: Okay, seriously, what's going on!? Let me go, AJ...!
AJ: Not until this is over, Scoot!
It was…………
AJ: A bird!
Scootaloo: A... plane?
Gl1m0: No, its... the Spanish Inquisition!
Screwball: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
(AN: I AM ENDING THIS CH. ON A CLIFFHANGER)
All: Oh, is that so!?
Screwball: SO, MANY, CLIFFHANGERS! SO. INTENSE.
AJ: Got that right...
Gl1m0: Jeez, that was perhaps the WORST depiction of "the act" that I've ever read! I think it would actually be work-safe because of how poorly-descriptive it is! Hell, even Scootaloo could have seen it and been alright! It's just THAT bad!
Scootaloo: See?! Now let me go, AJ! I still can't see!
AJ: ...Fine, then. (lets go of Scootaloo) Ah hope you know what you're doin', sugarcube.
Gl1m0: Well, don't look now, but here comes yet another chapter. Wow, these are actually really short...
Screwball: GET... TO... THE... CAHPTER!
Gl1m0: That's "choppah", you dink.
Screwball: That's what I said! CAHPTER!
Gl1m0: ...You're special. That's all I can say.
(AN: By speshl req I wuz askd 2 make thisc hapter about sexs!
Gl1m0: Aw, damn. This is gonna hurt.
Scootaloo: Why? What's wrong?
AJ: (covers Scootaloo's eyes) This is fer your own good, sugarcube!
Scootaloo: Hey...! What gives, I can't see!
Screwball: Perfect! ONWARDS!
DON'T REED THE PARTS U THNK SUX!
AJ: Were that true, we'd be done already.
Gl1m0: It already feels like a hollow dream, now...
& B4 u ask its moral becuz TWILICORN IS IN LUV W/Metal! Dey got marryed b4 dis fic ok?)
Gl1m0: Pardon me, but WHAT.
AJ: This story jus' went from terrible to genocidal.
Screwball: Well, that wasn't in poor taste at all. Nope.
Gl1m0: ...You know, most brony's hearts would probably fail from this kind of shock, but I'd like to think I'm weathered to it.
Scootaloo: I still can't see! What's going on?!
"SPARKLES!" I questioned. "What the buck do you think you re doing?"
Screwball: Leaving you alone for dead, duh. VENGEANCE IS BEST SERVED COLD, BEE-YOTCH!
Twilicorn didn't answer but leaped down from the balloon into the forest.
AJ: Where she fell and broke her leg.
Screwball: In fifteen places.
Screwloose: Bark.
Gl1m0: "And died." Before being eaten by flesh-melting shrews.
I walked after her, wanting to know what the buck she was doing.
"What the bucking buck!" I asked.
Gl1m0: I'd question the lack of a question mark, but then I'd be needing a question mark that obviously doesn't exist.
"Meddle?" she asked.
"WHAT" I asked.
Gl1m0: Yes, WHAT!
Screwball: WAHT.
AJ: Wut?
Screwloose: Bark?
Scootaloo: ......what?
Gl1m0: Exactly.
Twilicorn leaned in extra-close and I lookked into her muscular open eyes (that she was staring at me with).
Screwball: [Meddle] "Hey, is that a little man inside your eye, spying on me? Hello, spy!"
AJ: Actually, right now, Ah wouldn't be so surprised if she were a robot.
Gl1m0: ...So you do remember the communist squirrels.
AJ: Can we not talk about it...
They were like open windows.
Gl1m0: -that were letting in one hell of a stank.
They reflected the silver meddle around her neck and I realized why she was so sad. Suddenly I wanted to cry too.
Gl1m0: LET THE LIQUID PRIDE FLOW THROUGH YOU!
AJ: And out, preferably. Otherwise, he'd wet himself.
Screwball: But that would be funny as heck!
Scootaloo: What's funny? I still can't see, guys...!
Gl1m0: I'm impressed and yet not at all surprised that you can securely restrain her.
AJ: Well, Ah don't like to boast...
Screwball: Pfft. Earth ponies.
And then…… just as suddenly while I was Twilicorn
Screwball: "No, Meddle... YOU are Twilicorn!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "But... but... THAT'S IMPOSSIBRU!"
passionately climbed on top of me and got to first base.
Gl1m0: Now quick, run to second! Hurry, hurry! Or else you'll get tagged!
"Oh Twilicorn." I said while we kissed afflictionately. Then we started to make out.
Screwball: -the fuzzy image of a manticore.
AJ: Then they were both eaten alive. With applesauce.
Gl1m0: And there was much rejoicing.
"Oh! OH! Ooooohh!!" I screamed. She was giving me an ejaculation.
AJ: Ah don't suppose it was gift-wrapped, eh?
Screwball: Ew, that's nasty! You don't gift-wrap it! You gotta put a bowtie on it; everyone knows that!
Gl1m0: After all, bowties are cool.
We kissed harder. I took off all her clothes and her bra.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Why were you even wearing one?"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Well, artists like drawing us with 'em cuz they're sex-ee!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Good 'nuff for me!"
I don't wear clothes because I'm a pony.
AJ: Then why the hay was Twilight wearin' em?
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "'Cuz they're sex-eeeeee, that's why!"
Then we took off each others's cutiemarks so we were totally naked for you know what.
Gl1m0: You know, if Pinkie Pie from Cupcakes had actually known that cutie marks were easily removable, then she could have saved both her and Rainbow a lot of trouble.
Screwball: Silly logic, sense is for perfume!
I put my hoof between her legs and her navel was wet.
Gl1m0: "Dammit, sorry! Spilled some of my Icee..."
I rubbed it
Screwball: -and a genie popped out, who then granted them three wishes.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "I wish..... for three more wishes!"
AJ: [Genie] "Dangit, man!"
and she put my thing inside. We did it for the first time. And then……
Screwball: He came.
AJ: ......
Screwball: ...to the ball game.
AJ: ...yeah, that's loads better.
"wHAT THE HAY ART THOU DOING THY MOTHERBUKERS" said the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE
Gl1m0: "Don't come in; we're not decent! Come to think of it, we're never decent!"
Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark!
Screwball: Ohhh, snap! Lucy, you got a dirty mind, you do!
Scootaloo: Okay, seriously, what's going on!? Let me go, AJ...!
AJ: Not until this is over, Scoot!
It was…………
AJ: A bird!
Scootaloo: A... plane?
Gl1m0: No, its... the Spanish Inquisition!
Screwball: "NOPONY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!"
(AN: I AM ENDING THIS CH. ON A CLIFFHANGER)
All: Oh, is that so!?
Screwball: SO, MANY, CLIFFHANGERS! SO. INTENSE.
AJ: Got that right...
Gl1m0: Jeez, that was perhaps the WORST depiction of "the act" that I've ever read! I think it would actually be work-safe because of how poorly-descriptive it is! Hell, even Scootaloo could have seen it and been alright! It's just THAT bad!
Scootaloo: See?! Now let me go, AJ! I still can't see!
AJ: ...Fine, then. (lets go of Scootaloo) Ah hope you know what you're doin', sugarcube.
Gl1m0: Well, don't look now, but here comes yet another chapter. Wow, these are actually really short...
cHAPTER 5
Gl1m0: That crying of the Caps Lock is starting to becoming a wail...
Screwball: Especially since Princess Capslock herself is about to get in on the action.
(AN: all u NERDS sayin Luna iz o OC 4 her swears r DUM…… she iz from teh show & not maed up)
AJ: Sugarcube... Ah think they meant OOC, not OC.
Gl1m0: He's not even gonna admit to cocking-up with the Trixie thing, is he? Calling her an OC... I think some phone calls are in order.
Screwball: Yeah, see, about that...... our phone service is maxed-out. Again. ...Tee-hee.
Gl1m0: ...GODDAMMIT, SCREWBALL!
It was……… (AN: I sed that last tyme but in case u forgot)
Gl1m0: It was only just last chapter! HOW THE HELL COULD WE FORGET?!
Scootaloo: Well, I didn't even get to read it, so...
Princesscorn Luna!
Screwball: All hail Princess Capslock!
AJ: Ya know, the Princess doesn't take kindly to that term.
Screwball: Who cares, she doesn't even know about us! We're a big secret for a reason, ya know!
Gl1m0: (muttering) And one that might soon get spoiled, because of your careless escapades, I might add...
Luna made Twilicorn and I follow thee. Thou kept shouting at us angrily.
Gl1m0: I had no idea that a fic could suddenly swap, not only perspectives, but standard terminology, too.
Screwball: You know, it's almost as if we're living a thousand years ago! Coolio!
"THOU BUCKING LUCRETIOUS FOOLS" she angrily shouted.
Scootaloo: Luna can be reall scary when she's mad...
Gl1m0: And apparently, she also makes up words in her spare time. The hell does "lucretious" even mean? Guh.... (writes down in dictionary) ...I'd better not have the good conscious to return this to Twilight anytime soon. She'll murder me dead, and not just for mucking-up her book.
AJ: Sugarcube, you're only bringin' it on yerself...
My ears were bleeding down my muscular face. Twilicorn kissed them.
AJ: Well, ain't that sweet.
Gl1m0: As sour grapes, AJ. As sour grapes.
I cried manly tears of shame. Luna took us back to the royal Castle of the Princesscorn Sisters. Princesscorns were alicorns that got doublecorned
Screwball: "THE CORNS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!"
Screwloose: Bark bark, bark...
Gl1m0: "Because there wasn't any other reference that could have been made." Right you are, Lucy.
to raise the planets and rule the Equestrian International games Committeee. They were angry.
Gl1m0: But, story, you can't just TELL us what the characters are feeling! THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!
"THOU WERE PRACTICING SYNCHRONIZED COPULATION IN YONDER BUCKING EVERFREE!" Luna furiously voiced.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "NOT TRUE! ...Who the hell said we were practicing?"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
AJ: Ah never knew painful-to-read cloppin' could compare to an actual sport.
Gl1m0: It takes skill to suck that bad, so it makes sense I guess.
"Your mediocre behavior was unfitting of the professional and sportsmarelike atmosphere which the International Equestrian Love games strives to achieve," lectured Princesscorn Cadunce.
Screwball: Duhhhh, her name is Cadunce! Huehuehuehue.
Gl1m0: There's more than one way to express your dislike for an out-of-left-field headcanon-shattering alicorn, I suppose...
"i wasnt invited" said Princesscorn Celestia.
Screwball: Sorry Celly, they musta ran outta invites. Rainbow Dash was pretty adamant to get in, you see.
Scootaloo: HEY!
"HOW DARE THOU?" demandeth Princesscorn Luna.
Gl1m0: Rather easily, as a matter of fact.
Screwball: It was basically, "I dare you to sex me up, stud!" And then stuff happened.
Gl1m0: All kinds of stuffy stuff. And stuff.
And then Twilicorn shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
AJ: Well. That happened.
Screwball: Instantaneous sex changes are all the rage nowadays.
Everyone was quiet.
Gl1m0: Except for the porter, who wouldn't stop bitching about having to carry all of Meddle's medals. Them's is heavy.
Luna and Cadunce still looked disapproving but Celestia said. "oh ok i guess u can go"
Screwball: Celly don't give a buck.
AJ: But Ah do. Ah'd buck Meddle twice in the jaw, if Ah hafta.
Twilicorn and I went upstairs to my room while the princesscorns glared at us.
"Are you ok Meddle?" Twilicorn asked. Gazing into my eyes with tenderness.
"Yeah" I lied.
AJ: Gosh, Ah wonder what else he lied about.
Screwball: He probably was faking it during the sex, I'll bet.
Scootaloo: During the wha...?
Gl1m0: Oh goddammit, I'm gonna go to hell for this.
Screwball: Well, look on the bright side: You got a two mile head-start down there! ...Get it?
Gl1m0: ...I hate you. So. Much.
I went to my locker room and slicked back my mane and flexed in the mirror. Despite my trembling muscular angst
Screwball: He's a shake, shake, shakin'~! Shake shake shakin'~! Shakin' his boo-tay! Shakin' his boooo-tay~!
Gl1m0: Screwball, don't make me strangle you, because by Celestia's beard, I WILL.
I did 30 bench presses and showered. When I came out…
AJ: Everyone had died.
Screwball: A true happy ending, don't you think?
Gl1m0: Eh. I'd be happier if he just blew up from the sheer internal pressure of his wangst.
Twilicorn was in the locker room, and she dropped to one knee.
AJ: Wouldn't that be painful?
Gl1m0: With four legs? Yeah, probably. Jeez, are these actually ponies, or anthros, or hell, even just humanizations? Make up your damn mind, story! Stop sticking your head up your own cavernous asshole!
"Meddle will you marry me" she asked.
Gl1m0: ......
AJ: (covers Scootaloo's ears) Fer yer own good, Scoots.
Scootaloo: Hey...! What is it this time?!
Gl1m0: ...Fucking... BULLSHIT! You asked him to marry you?! That is BY ITSELF a complete and total blasphemy--but oh no, THAT'S not what I'm mad about! According to the author himself, YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING MARRIED TO HIM! "Dey got marryed b4 dis fic" he said! THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THAT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SEX SCENE JUSTIFIED NOW?! THIS STORY IS NOTHING BUT A BIG CLUSTERFUCK OF TERRIBLE PLOTTING, STIFF AS CARDBOARD CHARACTERS, AND ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR! FUCK THIS STORY, AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!
All: ......
AJ: (lets go of Scootaloo's ears) You feelin' okay, sugarcube?
Gl1m0: ...not very. Sorry, but... I tend to fly off the handle when a story like this comes along.
Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You shoulda seen him when he first heard about Equestria Gir--(Gl1m0 reaches over and, literally, zips her mouth shut)--MMPH! Mmm, mmmmph!
AJ: Uh... what was she--
Gl1m0: NOTHING!! ...I mean, uh, nothing at all. You need not concern yourself with it, is all I'm saying.
AJ: O...kay....
Scootaloo: ...Uh, weren't we supposed to be reading this?
Gl1m0: Ah, yes... um... right. Almost forgot, eh-heh...
Screwball: (flails her forelegs in the air angrily) MMMMPH!
AJ: Ah think Ah like her better this way.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: Agreed. Now, where were we...
I was so flattered even though she wasn't supposed to be in the colt's room.
Gl1m0: Oh, he's gonna be in for quite a shock when he finds out the truth...
Screwball: Mmmmph! Mmmm... (fumbles with the zipper on her mouth, but fails) MMMPH!
Gl1m0: I'm actually really enjoying this.
We hugged and kissed on the lips. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back to her own gym.
AJ: A single sentence without any sort of mistake 'r pacin' problems? In this story?
Gl1m0: Truly, these are the end of times.
Mom made me dinner. It tasted like oats.
All except Screwball: Yes, we know, you like oats. We get it already.
Gl1m0: It makes me wonder, though; he likes oats a lot... and in the fandom, at least in the places I've been, "oats" is another word for senseless and sometimes NSFW randomness being posted on image boards... Hm... Connection, maybe?
AJ: Ah really don't know, or care; Ah jus' wanna get done with this.
Scootaloo: It can't be over soon enough! At least some other stories I've read with my friends were actually readable...
Gl1m0: Tell you what; the next chapter is the halfway mark. After that, we'll take a break.
AJ: You can take breaks? How?
Gl1m0: (holds up remote control) Why, the "Pause" button of course!
AJ: ...You mean to say... we have complete control of the story.
Gl1m0: Why, yes. Yes we do.
AJ: ...and we're only jus' stoppin' now.
Gl1m0: Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a masochist or something. But hey, I have a job to do!
AJ: ......
Scootaloo: Can we just... you know... move on?
Screwball: MMMMMPPHH!
Gl1m0: Ugh... fine, I'll undo your zipper.
AJ: That'd probably sound weird out-of-context...
[[Gl1m0 unzips Screwball's mouth, and she starts taking in huge breaths of air.]]
Screwball: Dang it Glowy, don't do that! You know I hate it when you do that!
Gl1m0: Exactly. Which is why I do it. NEXT CHAPTER!
Gl1m0: That crying of the Caps Lock is starting to becoming a wail...
Screwball: Especially since Princess Capslock herself is about to get in on the action.
(AN: all u NERDS sayin Luna iz o OC 4 her swears r DUM…… she iz from teh show & not maed up)
AJ: Sugarcube... Ah think they meant OOC, not OC.
Gl1m0: He's not even gonna admit to cocking-up with the Trixie thing, is he? Calling her an OC... I think some phone calls are in order.
Screwball: Yeah, see, about that...... our phone service is maxed-out. Again. ...Tee-hee.
Gl1m0: ...GODDAMMIT, SCREWBALL!
It was……… (AN: I sed that last tyme but in case u forgot)
Gl1m0: It was only just last chapter! HOW THE HELL COULD WE FORGET?!
Scootaloo: Well, I didn't even get to read it, so...
Princesscorn Luna!
Screwball: All hail Princess Capslock!
AJ: Ya know, the Princess doesn't take kindly to that term.
Screwball: Who cares, she doesn't even know about us! We're a big secret for a reason, ya know!
Gl1m0: (muttering) And one that might soon get spoiled, because of your careless escapades, I might add...
Luna made Twilicorn and I follow thee. Thou kept shouting at us angrily.
Gl1m0: I had no idea that a fic could suddenly swap, not only perspectives, but standard terminology, too.
Screwball: You know, it's almost as if we're living a thousand years ago! Coolio!
"THOU BUCKING LUCRETIOUS FOOLS" she angrily shouted.
Scootaloo: Luna can be reall scary when she's mad...
Gl1m0: And apparently, she also makes up words in her spare time. The hell does "lucretious" even mean? Guh.... (writes down in dictionary) ...I'd better not have the good conscious to return this to Twilight anytime soon. She'll murder me dead, and not just for mucking-up her book.
AJ: Sugarcube, you're only bringin' it on yerself...
My ears were bleeding down my muscular face. Twilicorn kissed them.
AJ: Well, ain't that sweet.
Gl1m0: As sour grapes, AJ. As sour grapes.
I cried manly tears of shame. Luna took us back to the royal Castle of the Princesscorn Sisters. Princesscorns were alicorns that got doublecorned
Screwball: "THE CORNS HAVE BEEN DOUBLED!"
Screwloose: Bark bark, bark...
Gl1m0: "Because there wasn't any other reference that could have been made." Right you are, Lucy.
to raise the planets and rule the Equestrian International games Committeee. They were angry.
Gl1m0: But, story, you can't just TELL us what the characters are feeling! THAT MAKES ME FEEL ANGRY!
"THOU WERE PRACTICING SYNCHRONIZED COPULATION IN YONDER BUCKING EVERFREE!" Luna furiously voiced.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "NOT TRUE! ...Who the hell said we were practicing?"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "Bow-chicka-bow-wow!"
AJ: Ah never knew painful-to-read cloppin' could compare to an actual sport.
Gl1m0: It takes skill to suck that bad, so it makes sense I guess.
"Your mediocre behavior was unfitting of the professional and sportsmarelike atmosphere which the International Equestrian Love games strives to achieve," lectured Princesscorn Cadunce.
Screwball: Duhhhh, her name is Cadunce! Huehuehuehue.
Gl1m0: There's more than one way to express your dislike for an out-of-left-field headcanon-shattering alicorn, I suppose...
"i wasnt invited" said Princesscorn Celestia.
Screwball: Sorry Celly, they musta ran outta invites. Rainbow Dash was pretty adamant to get in, you see.
Scootaloo: HEY!
"HOW DARE THOU?" demandeth Princesscorn Luna.
Gl1m0: Rather easily, as a matter of fact.
Screwball: It was basically, "I dare you to sex me up, stud!" And then stuff happened.
Gl1m0: All kinds of stuffy stuff. And stuff.
And then Twilicorn shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"
AJ: Well. That happened.
Screwball: Instantaneous sex changes are all the rage nowadays.
Everyone was quiet.
Gl1m0: Except for the porter, who wouldn't stop bitching about having to carry all of Meddle's medals. Them's is heavy.
Luna and Cadunce still looked disapproving but Celestia said. "oh ok i guess u can go"
Screwball: Celly don't give a buck.
AJ: But Ah do. Ah'd buck Meddle twice in the jaw, if Ah hafta.
Twilicorn and I went upstairs to my room while the princesscorns glared at us.
"Are you ok Meddle?" Twilicorn asked. Gazing into my eyes with tenderness.
"Yeah" I lied.
AJ: Gosh, Ah wonder what else he lied about.
Screwball: He probably was faking it during the sex, I'll bet.
Scootaloo: During the wha...?
Gl1m0: Oh goddammit, I'm gonna go to hell for this.
Screwball: Well, look on the bright side: You got a two mile head-start down there! ...Get it?
Gl1m0: ...I hate you. So. Much.
I went to my locker room and slicked back my mane and flexed in the mirror. Despite my trembling muscular angst
Screwball: He's a shake, shake, shakin'~! Shake shake shakin'~! Shakin' his boo-tay! Shakin' his boooo-tay~!
Gl1m0: Screwball, don't make me strangle you, because by Celestia's beard, I WILL.
I did 30 bench presses and showered. When I came out…
AJ: Everyone had died.
Screwball: A true happy ending, don't you think?
Gl1m0: Eh. I'd be happier if he just blew up from the sheer internal pressure of his wangst.
Twilicorn was in the locker room, and she dropped to one knee.
AJ: Wouldn't that be painful?
Gl1m0: With four legs? Yeah, probably. Jeez, are these actually ponies, or anthros, or hell, even just humanizations? Make up your damn mind, story! Stop sticking your head up your own cavernous asshole!
"Meddle will you marry me" she asked.
Gl1m0: ......
AJ: (covers Scootaloo's ears) Fer yer own good, Scoots.
Scootaloo: Hey...! What is it this time?!
Gl1m0: ...Fucking... BULLSHIT! You asked him to marry you?! That is BY ITSELF a complete and total blasphemy--but oh no, THAT'S not what I'm mad about! According to the author himself, YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING MARRIED TO HIM! "Dey got marryed b4 dis fic" he said! THEN HOW THE FUCK IS THAT COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SEX SCENE JUSTIFIED NOW?! THIS STORY IS NOTHING BUT A BIG CLUSTERFUCK OF TERRIBLE PLOTTING, STIFF AS CARDBOARD CHARACTERS, AND ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS SPELLING AND GRAMMAR! FUCK THIS STORY, AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!
All: ......
AJ: (lets go of Scootaloo's ears) You feelin' okay, sugarcube?
Gl1m0: ...not very. Sorry, but... I tend to fly off the handle when a story like this comes along.
Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You shoulda seen him when he first heard about Equestria Gir--(Gl1m0 reaches over and, literally, zips her mouth shut)--MMPH! Mmm, mmmmph!
AJ: Uh... what was she--
Gl1m0: NOTHING!! ...I mean, uh, nothing at all. You need not concern yourself with it, is all I'm saying.
AJ: O...kay....
Scootaloo: ...Uh, weren't we supposed to be reading this?
Gl1m0: Ah, yes... um... right. Almost forgot, eh-heh...
Screwball: (flails her forelegs in the air angrily) MMMMPH!
AJ: Ah think Ah like her better this way.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: Agreed. Now, where were we...
I was so flattered even though she wasn't supposed to be in the colt's room.
Gl1m0: Oh, he's gonna be in for quite a shock when he finds out the truth...
Screwball: Mmmmph! Mmmm... (fumbles with the zipper on her mouth, but fails) MMMPH!
Gl1m0: I'm actually really enjoying this.
We hugged and kissed on the lips. After that, we said goodnight and she reluctantly went back to her own gym.
AJ: A single sentence without any sort of mistake 'r pacin' problems? In this story?
Gl1m0: Truly, these are the end of times.
Mom made me dinner. It tasted like oats.
All except Screwball: Yes, we know, you like oats. We get it already.
Gl1m0: It makes me wonder, though; he likes oats a lot... and in the fandom, at least in the places I've been, "oats" is another word for senseless and sometimes NSFW randomness being posted on image boards... Hm... Connection, maybe?
AJ: Ah really don't know, or care; Ah jus' wanna get done with this.
Scootaloo: It can't be over soon enough! At least some other stories I've read with my friends were actually readable...
Gl1m0: Tell you what; the next chapter is the halfway mark. After that, we'll take a break.
AJ: You can take breaks? How?
Gl1m0: (holds up remote control) Why, the "Pause" button of course!
AJ: ...You mean to say... we have complete control of the story.
Gl1m0: Why, yes. Yes we do.
AJ: ...and we're only jus' stoppin' now.
Gl1m0: Well, when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a masochist or something. But hey, I have a job to do!
AJ: ......
Scootaloo: Can we just... you know... move on?
Screwball: MMMMMPPHH!
Gl1m0: Ugh... fine, I'll undo your zipper.
AJ: That'd probably sound weird out-of-context...
[[Gl1m0 unzips Screwball's mouth, and she starts taking in huge breaths of air.]]
Screwball: Dang it Glowy, don't do that! You know I hate it when you do that!
Gl1m0: Exactly. Which is why I do it. NEXT CHAPTER!
Chatper 6!
Screwball: Whoo, last chapter before the break, yeah!
Gl1m0: Actually, it's a "chatper."
AJ: As in what? Chat per... pony? Ah dunno...
(AN: STOP TALLING ME THE FIC NEEDS MOR HARSHWINNNY OK FINE SENCE U AKSED 4 IT I DOIT)
Gl1m0: Gosh, there's no need to yell.
Scootaloo: Who's "Harshwinnny"?
Gl1m0: It's "Harshwhinny." Equestria Games inspector. Starred in Season 3, Episode 11, "Games Ponies Play".
Scootaloo: ...huh?
Gl1m0: Sorry... eidetic memory. Partially, at least; what few things I do remember, I remember them vividly. Ironically, I can't remember how I even ended up working with these weirdos...
Screwball: It was because of my fun and exciting personality! And, teehee... "other" charms...
AJ: Egh...
Gl1m0: ...Not like that! Screwball, I swear...!
Screwball: Kidding~! You're so fun to mess with!
The next day I woke up on my exercise mat.
Screwball: -wondering where his pants had gone.
Scootaloo: But... I though he didn't wear clothes?
Screwball: He's put on a pair the night before.
Scootaloo: But-
Screwball: HE PUT ON A PAIR THE NIGHT BEFORE.
I practiced some caber fencing and wing backflips. I did 30 crunches and 40 tail lifts and 50 mountain climbs and shot a biathlete.
AJ: That biathlete jus' can't catch a break.
Gl1m0: But apparently, he can catch bullets.
There were Games later so I put on my Equestria national costume and made sure my muscles glistered with sweat.
Gl1m0: So if tears are Liquid Pride... then sweat must be Liquid Shame.
Screwball: It is a shame that he was chosen to represent Equestria. Those costumes are so tacky.
AJ: Rarity'd flip a table if she saw one.
My mom wasn't there to make me breakfast
Gl1m0: Which often taste like oats, or so I hear.
so I beat up an earth pony and took his Wheaties.
Screwball: THE POWER OF FIBRE COMPELS YOU!
I was on the box. I ate a bowl full with extra sugar and teststosorone.
Gl1m0: He forgot that Wheaties are only part of a complete breakfast.
AJ: He'll be sore for missing out on those muffins and apple fritters.
Derpy: Did somepony say muffins?
Gl1m0: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU--
AJ: AH-HEM! Language!
Gl1m0: You're not my mother, okay?! Seriously, HOW in the hell did DERPY get ALL THE WAY DOWN--
AJ: She's gone.
Gl1m0: ....WHAT.
AJ: She saw we didn't have any muffins, then left.
Gl1m0: ...Yeah, stopped caring now. It'll be healthier for me that way.
Screwball: (pats him on back) Good boy, Glowy! You're learning!
Gl1m0: Oh shut up...
Then I went to the Equestria international Games Comittee meeting to choose cities to inspect. Suddenly someone bumped into me.
Screwball: "Oh dear, TERRIBLY sorry! It will likely happen again!"
"Bastard!" I shoulted angrily.
Gl1m0: (writing in dictionary while muttering) ...'Shoult'; verb: the act of verbally expressing disapproval of someone else's act of stupidity; also see: "whambulance"...
I regretted saying it as soon as I looked up cause it was the most athletic mare I have ever seen.
Screwball: So, instead of "bastard", he should have called her a "bitch".
AJ: Hey!
Screwball: Just trying to be gender-accurate here, jeez.
She had bulging muscules and a diminuitive sneer and a short cropped blond mane.
AJ: This had better not be me...
Gl1m0: I doubt it. Your don't sneer, nor is your mane cut short. And I wouldn't exactly say "bulging" muscles...
AJ: ...That's very comfortin', pard.
Gl1m0: Just trying to help, is all...
She wore as many gold medals as me, minus one.
Gl1m0: Logic. Why have you forsaken us.
Scootaloo: As many as him, but less? ...Ow! Brain hurts...
She had taken off her purple sweater and her earrings
Screwball: Well, she's definitely not AJ then...
AJ: Phew...
Screwball: ...she's too masculine to wear earrings and the color purple.
AJ: ...Are you tryin' to make me mad, sugarcube?
and was wearing spandex showing off the contour of her ripped abdominals. Along with her muscles she had curved flanks and pony breasts.
AJ: Not sure if anthro, or still nursin'.
Screwball: Not sure if sex-ay, or creep-ay.
Gl1m0: Not sure if teasing, or impending clopfic...
She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her.
Screwball: [Meddle] "Wow, she's soooo sexy and OH BUCKING CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!"
Except I didn't get an erection because that would have been sick and wrong.
Gl1m0: Being attracted to someone like that is bad, and you should feel bad
Screwball: Why so many fetishes, writers? Why?
"I'm so sorry" she said in a demure voice.
Gl1m0: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. That's amusing. Glorious. HA HA. She sounds so demure, even though she's an athlete? HA. Hilarious. Heehee.
Screwball: Aw man, his mind is finally gone...
AJ: And you can tell... how, exactly?
Gl1m0: ...I NEED SCISSORS! STAT!!
Screwball: I can just tell, is all.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
"My name's Miss Harshwhinnny, although most people call me Triplecorn these days." She complained.
Scootaloo: I can see why she's complaining; that name stinks.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: "Seconded." With joy.
AJ: Lemme guess; a triple alicorn, then?
Gl1m0: ...Oh fuck, I'm getting those Mykan flashbacks again... (winces) ...Urrgh! Pain...!
AJ: What's wrong with him?
Screwball: The breakdown of My Little Unicorn... Oh, those were dark days in the CRF...
"Oh yeah hi mom. Why?" I exclaimed.
Gl1m0: WHAT.
AJ: H-he was oglin' his own MOTHER?!
Screwball: Well, in fairness, he did say it was sick and wrong.
AJ: But he still looked at her! You jus'... don't do that!
Gl1m0: REALLY? NO COMMENT ON THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED FOR HIS OWN MOTHER'S NAME?!
Screwball: Oh yeah, that. That too.
"Because I'm like a princesscorn except they princesscorn you twice and it takes away your wings and horn because you're so awesome you don't need them any more." she giggled.
Screwball: Ah, The Mary Sue Mother of the Stu. It all makes sense.
Gl1m0: Except it doesn't! It completely goes against canon; she's NOT as powerful as that, she's just an earth pony inspector who appeared in ONE EPISODE! You can't just "Sueify" a canon character and use that as an excuse to make a horrible, OP Marty Stu offspring! Holy shit, this story is really testing my patience...!
Scootaloo: That break can't come soon enough...
"Me too because it's genetic!" I confessed. "Except I kept the wings and horn because I like them."
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Not because it makes me look like a Marty Stu, no, of course not! I'm too awesome for that."
"Really?" Triplecorn whimpered.
Screwball: "HAHA, NOPE! They were claimed from the bodies of my victims! And you... ARE NEXT!"
AJ: Matricide, much?
Gl1m0: Poor taste all around. I think this fanfic is draining me of all proper reasoning.
"Yeah." I roared.
Scootaloo: ...That was a terrible roar.
Screwball: Totally. Care to show 'em how it's done, Snowflake?
Snowflake: YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!!
Screwball: See, fillies? Learn from the master, or end up a disaster!
Gl1m0: ...I won't question it. I don't care anymore. Please let it end.
AJ: Sugarcube... you gonna be okay?
Gl1m0: ......
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Twilicorn came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.
Screwball: I'll bet the surprise is cupcakes. Meddle loves those.
Gl1m0: Well then, I wonder how much he'll enjoy making those. By being one.
AJ: Well, six chapters to go...
Gl1m0: Oh hell no, we're taking a break. Right. Now.
AJ: Fer a change, Ah agree completely.
Scootaloo: Same here.
Screwloose: Bark!
Screwball: Pfft, wimps! (everyone glares at her) ...What? So what if I'm desensitized to this stuff! It's funny!
Gl1m0: That remains to be seen. Now come on, I've forgotten how hungry I've gotten...
[[He presses the "Pause" button on the remoter, and the fanfic stops while a light that reads "BREAK" flashes overhead. The five stand back up, and walk through a newly-opened door into the Lounge.]]
--Part 2, Coming Soon--
Screwball: Whoo, last chapter before the break, yeah!
Gl1m0: Actually, it's a "chatper."
AJ: As in what? Chat per... pony? Ah dunno...
(AN: STOP TALLING ME THE FIC NEEDS MOR HARSHWINNNY OK FINE SENCE U AKSED 4 IT I DOIT)
Gl1m0: Gosh, there's no need to yell.
Scootaloo: Who's "Harshwinnny"?
Gl1m0: It's "Harshwhinny." Equestria Games inspector. Starred in Season 3, Episode 11, "Games Ponies Play".
Scootaloo: ...huh?
Gl1m0: Sorry... eidetic memory. Partially, at least; what few things I do remember, I remember them vividly. Ironically, I can't remember how I even ended up working with these weirdos...
Screwball: It was because of my fun and exciting personality! And, teehee... "other" charms...
AJ: Egh...
Gl1m0: ...Not like that! Screwball, I swear...!
Screwball: Kidding~! You're so fun to mess with!
The next day I woke up on my exercise mat.
Screwball: -wondering where his pants had gone.
Scootaloo: But... I though he didn't wear clothes?
Screwball: He's put on a pair the night before.
Scootaloo: But-
Screwball: HE PUT ON A PAIR THE NIGHT BEFORE.
I practiced some caber fencing and wing backflips. I did 30 crunches and 40 tail lifts and 50 mountain climbs and shot a biathlete.
AJ: That biathlete jus' can't catch a break.
Gl1m0: But apparently, he can catch bullets.
There were Games later so I put on my Equestria national costume and made sure my muscles glistered with sweat.
Gl1m0: So if tears are Liquid Pride... then sweat must be Liquid Shame.
Screwball: It is a shame that he was chosen to represent Equestria. Those costumes are so tacky.
AJ: Rarity'd flip a table if she saw one.
My mom wasn't there to make me breakfast
Gl1m0: Which often taste like oats, or so I hear.
so I beat up an earth pony and took his Wheaties.
Screwball: THE POWER OF FIBRE COMPELS YOU!
I was on the box. I ate a bowl full with extra sugar and teststosorone.
Gl1m0: He forgot that Wheaties are only part of a complete breakfast.
AJ: He'll be sore for missing out on those muffins and apple fritters.
Derpy: Did somepony say muffins?
Gl1m0: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU--
AJ: AH-HEM! Language!
Gl1m0: You're not my mother, okay?! Seriously, HOW in the hell did DERPY get ALL THE WAY DOWN--
AJ: She's gone.
Gl1m0: ....WHAT.
AJ: She saw we didn't have any muffins, then left.
Gl1m0: ...Yeah, stopped caring now. It'll be healthier for me that way.
Screwball: (pats him on back) Good boy, Glowy! You're learning!
Gl1m0: Oh shut up...
Then I went to the Equestria international Games Comittee meeting to choose cities to inspect. Suddenly someone bumped into me.
Screwball: "Oh dear, TERRIBLY sorry! It will likely happen again!"
"Bastard!" I shoulted angrily.
Gl1m0: (writing in dictionary while muttering) ...'Shoult'; verb: the act of verbally expressing disapproval of someone else's act of stupidity; also see: "whambulance"...
I regretted saying it as soon as I looked up cause it was the most athletic mare I have ever seen.
Screwball: So, instead of "bastard", he should have called her a "bitch".
AJ: Hey!
Screwball: Just trying to be gender-accurate here, jeez.
She had bulging muscules and a diminuitive sneer and a short cropped blond mane.
AJ: This had better not be me...
Gl1m0: I doubt it. Your don't sneer, nor is your mane cut short. And I wouldn't exactly say "bulging" muscles...
AJ: ...That's very comfortin', pard.
Gl1m0: Just trying to help, is all...
She wore as many gold medals as me, minus one.
Gl1m0: Logic. Why have you forsaken us.
Scootaloo: As many as him, but less? ...Ow! Brain hurts...
She had taken off her purple sweater and her earrings
Screwball: Well, she's definitely not AJ then...
AJ: Phew...
Screwball: ...she's too masculine to wear earrings and the color purple.
AJ: ...Are you tryin' to make me mad, sugarcube?
and was wearing spandex showing off the contour of her ripped abdominals. Along with her muscles she had curved flanks and pony breasts.
AJ: Not sure if anthro, or still nursin'.
Screwball: Not sure if sex-ay, or creep-ay.
Gl1m0: Not sure if teasing, or impending clopfic...
She was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw her.
Screwball: [Meddle] "Wow, she's soooo sexy and OH BUCKING CELESTIA I'M ON FIRE!!"
Except I didn't get an erection because that would have been sick and wrong.
Gl1m0: Being attracted to someone like that is bad, and you should feel bad
Screwball: Why so many fetishes, writers? Why?
"I'm so sorry" she said in a demure voice.
Gl1m0: HA, HA, HA, HA, HA. That's amusing. Glorious. HA HA. She sounds so demure, even though she's an athlete? HA. Hilarious. Heehee.
Screwball: Aw man, his mind is finally gone...
AJ: And you can tell... how, exactly?
Gl1m0: ...I NEED SCISSORS! STAT!!
Screwball: I can just tell, is all.
"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.
"My name's Miss Harshwhinnny, although most people call me Triplecorn these days." She complained.
Scootaloo: I can see why she's complaining; that name stinks.
Screwloose: Bark!
Gl1m0: "Seconded." With joy.
AJ: Lemme guess; a triple alicorn, then?
Gl1m0: ...Oh fuck, I'm getting those Mykan flashbacks again... (winces) ...Urrgh! Pain...!
AJ: What's wrong with him?
Screwball: The breakdown of My Little Unicorn... Oh, those were dark days in the CRF...
"Oh yeah hi mom. Why?" I exclaimed.
Gl1m0: WHAT.
AJ: H-he was oglin' his own MOTHER?!
Screwball: Well, in fairness, he did say it was sick and wrong.
AJ: But he still looked at her! You jus'... don't do that!
Gl1m0: REALLY? NO COMMENT ON THE FACT THAT HE ACTUALLY ASKED FOR HIS OWN MOTHER'S NAME?!
Screwball: Oh yeah, that. That too.
"Because I'm like a princesscorn except they princesscorn you twice and it takes away your wings and horn because you're so awesome you don't need them any more." she giggled.
Screwball: Ah, The Mary Sue Mother of the Stu. It all makes sense.
Gl1m0: Except it doesn't! It completely goes against canon; she's NOT as powerful as that, she's just an earth pony inspector who appeared in ONE EPISODE! You can't just "Sueify" a canon character and use that as an excuse to make a horrible, OP Marty Stu offspring! Holy shit, this story is really testing my patience...!
Scootaloo: That break can't come soon enough...
"Me too because it's genetic!" I confessed. "Except I kept the wings and horn because I like them."
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "Not because it makes me look like a Marty Stu, no, of course not! I'm too awesome for that."
"Really?" Triplecorn whimpered.
Screwball: "HAHA, NOPE! They were claimed from the bodies of my victims! And you... ARE NEXT!"
AJ: Matricide, much?
Gl1m0: Poor taste all around. I think this fanfic is draining me of all proper reasoning.
"Yeah." I roared.
Scootaloo: ...That was a terrible roar.
Screwball: Totally. Care to show 'em how it's done, Snowflake?
Snowflake: YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!!
Screwball: See, fillies? Learn from the master, or end up a disaster!
Gl1m0: ...I won't question it. I don't care anymore. Please let it end.
AJ: Sugarcube... you gonna be okay?
Gl1m0: ......
We sat down to talk for a while. Then Twilicorn came up behind me and told me she had a surprise for me so I went away with her.
Screwball: I'll bet the surprise is cupcakes. Meddle loves those.
Gl1m0: Well then, I wonder how much he'll enjoy making those. By being one.
AJ: Well, six chapters to go...
Gl1m0: Oh hell no, we're taking a break. Right. Now.
AJ: Fer a change, Ah agree completely.
Scootaloo: Same here.
Screwloose: Bark!
Screwball: Pfft, wimps! (everyone glares at her) ...What? So what if I'm desensitized to this stuff! It's funny!
Gl1m0: That remains to be seen. Now come on, I've forgotten how hungry I've gotten...
[[He presses the "Pause" button on the remoter, and the fanfic stops while a light that reads "BREAK" flashes overhead. The five stand back up, and walk through a newly-opened door into the Lounge.]]
--Part 2, Coming Soon--
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...