~ The CRF: Lounge ~
Gl1m0: …You know, I didn't realize it was at all possible for suicide to appear like a viable and preferred option of ending one's problems. This fanfic is… it’s… it's breaking down my will to live. How the hell can a story even be capable of such horror?!
AJ: Well hay, Ah dunno… But lemme tell you, Ah’ve seen some bad stories in mah time.
Gl1m0: Worse than a bullshit world of alicorns? Worse than a Twilight that’s taken five level classes in “dumbass”? Who gets married twice, to the same guy, while they were already married?!
AJ: Well, when ya put it that way…
Screwball: Hey, I honestly don’t see the problem here! It’s bad and all, but why so glum, chum? C’mon, we did “My Little Unicorn” and “A Fun Day” in the past; what’s so bad about this one?
Gl1m0: Have you had your eyes checked recently?! And not just because they’re basically swirls, no; the sheer level of utter IMCOMPETENCE and hopeless IGNORANCE of the author who’s writing this piece of trash… it’s about to give me an aneurysm here!
Scootaloo: I… there’s really nothing good I can say about it, apart from being so bad it’s almost really funny…
Screwball: See? She gets it!
Scootaloo: …I do?
Gl1m0: What is there to get? Frankly, I am shocked and insulted that people actually take this shit seriously. It was FEATURED, for fuck’s sake!
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Yes, I know that’s not saying much, but still… it pisses me right the hell off.
AJ: An’ we still have… what, like, 6 ‘r 7 chapters to go?
Gl1m0: Unfortunately.
[[The green lights flicker on and off again, signaling the end of the break.]]
Gl1m0: Well, once more into the breach... God, if I even drank, I would say that I'd need a stiff drink after this...
Screwball: You? Considering alcohol to dull away your problems? …Wow, man. Talk about issues.
Gl1m0: ..........
AJ: We may as well get it over with, sugarcube... at least the chapters are short, right?
Gl1m0: ...I suppose. Whether I like it or not, I still have a job to do. We still have a job to do.
Lucy: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: Well... thanks for the encouragement, Lucy. At least we're halfway done.
[[The lights flicker on and off again, this time with more urgency.]]
Scootaloo: We'd probably better get going, right?
AJ: Yeah. Ah wouldn't like to be "escorted" into that room like last time.
Gl1m0: Heh, that's the "Boot of Encouragement" for ya... Funny story about that, actually...
Screwball: Ooh, ooh! Lemme tell it!
Gl1m0: Fine, but you all better be prepared for a doozy…
[[The five head out of the Lounge, back into the depths of the Processing Room, and the story itself...]]
Gl1m0: …You know, I didn't realize it was at all possible for suicide to appear like a viable and preferred option of ending one's problems. This fanfic is… it’s… it's breaking down my will to live. How the hell can a story even be capable of such horror?!
AJ: Well hay, Ah dunno… But lemme tell you, Ah’ve seen some bad stories in mah time.
Gl1m0: Worse than a bullshit world of alicorns? Worse than a Twilight that’s taken five level classes in “dumbass”? Who gets married twice, to the same guy, while they were already married?!
AJ: Well, when ya put it that way…
Screwball: Hey, I honestly don’t see the problem here! It’s bad and all, but why so glum, chum? C’mon, we did “My Little Unicorn” and “A Fun Day” in the past; what’s so bad about this one?
Gl1m0: Have you had your eyes checked recently?! And not just because they’re basically swirls, no; the sheer level of utter IMCOMPETENCE and hopeless IGNORANCE of the author who’s writing this piece of trash… it’s about to give me an aneurysm here!
Scootaloo: I… there’s really nothing good I can say about it, apart from being so bad it’s almost really funny…
Screwball: See? She gets it!
Scootaloo: …I do?
Gl1m0: What is there to get? Frankly, I am shocked and insulted that people actually take this shit seriously. It was FEATURED, for fuck’s sake!
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Yes, I know that’s not saying much, but still… it pisses me right the hell off.
AJ: An’ we still have… what, like, 6 ‘r 7 chapters to go?
Gl1m0: Unfortunately.
[[The green lights flicker on and off again, signaling the end of the break.]]
Gl1m0: Well, once more into the breach... God, if I even drank, I would say that I'd need a stiff drink after this...
Screwball: You? Considering alcohol to dull away your problems? …Wow, man. Talk about issues.
Gl1m0: ..........
AJ: We may as well get it over with, sugarcube... at least the chapters are short, right?
Gl1m0: ...I suppose. Whether I like it or not, I still have a job to do. We still have a job to do.
Lucy: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: Well... thanks for the encouragement, Lucy. At least we're halfway done.
[[The lights flicker on and off again, this time with more urgency.]]
Scootaloo: We'd probably better get going, right?
AJ: Yeah. Ah wouldn't like to be "escorted" into that room like last time.
Gl1m0: Heh, that's the "Boot of Encouragement" for ya... Funny story about that, actually...
Screwball: Ooh, ooh! Lemme tell it!
Gl1m0: Fine, but you all better be prepared for a doozy…
[[The five head out of the Lounge, back into the depths of the Processing Room, and the story itself...]]
[[As the five return to their seats (sans Screwloose, once again), Applejack is wearing a look of morbid disgust.]]
AJ: ...Well... now Ah'm never gonna look at field plows the same way again.
Screwball: You're welcome!
Gl1m0: Now then, where were we?
Scootaloo: Mr. Meddle Stu just, um... "looked at" his own mother, and then Twilight called him away for something.
Screwball: Who wants to bet it's more sex? Imma bet that it's more sex.
Scootaloo: Umm...
Gl1m0: Uggggh... By the end of the day, either a poor filly's innocence will be ruined, or I'll have thrown myself into the engine block from shame. Either way, I'm royally fucked.
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: ...shut up.
Screwball: Let's do it! C'mon, more story!
AJ: Here we go again...
AJ: ...Well... now Ah'm never gonna look at field plows the same way again.
Screwball: You're welcome!
Gl1m0: Now then, where were we?
Scootaloo: Mr. Meddle Stu just, um... "looked at" his own mother, and then Twilight called him away for something.
Screwball: Who wants to bet it's more sex? Imma bet that it's more sex.
Scootaloo: Umm...
Gl1m0: Uggggh... By the end of the day, either a poor filly's innocence will be ruined, or I'll have thrown myself into the engine block from shame. Either way, I'm royally fucked.
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: ...shut up.
Screwball: Let's do it! C'mon, more story!
AJ: Here we go again...
Crapteh 7.
Gl1m0: Well, at least it's accurate.
AJ: These chapters ain't gonna get much better, are they?
tHE tWIST (AN: this is not a pun) hITS tHE pLOT (AN: this is a pun)
Scootaloo: Twist hits the plot? Poor Twist, that's gotta hurt...
AJ: Would explain a lot, actually.
Gl1m0: Those. Were. Horrid. Puns.
(AN: bcuz of inernet law I hadd 2 destory mi AN thsi chaper && redu it SO………)
Gl1m0: ...That's not how internet law works.
(**SUPR OFFICSHL && IMPROTANT AN: "Wheaties" is a ™ and © of Hasbro 2013!
Gl1m0: What? No it's not--
My Lil poni iz copyrite General mills Cereal ummm 192ty-sumthin.
Gl1m0: ...Okay, what the hell?
AJ: Ponies are... cereal products? Wha...?
Screwball: NO! MY LIFE IS A LIE!!
nOW I AM PERTECTED BY INTRANET LAWYRS && U CAN"T SUE!!! Or flame)
Screwball: That's what YOU think, buster!
Gl1m0: Flames are rather easy to start; all you need is a good lighter.
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Kindling too, yes. Such as the author's scalp.
Twilicorn and I held mucsculr hooves strongly as we went upstairs.
Gl1m0: He didn't trust stairs enough to go up by himself, after all.
Screwball: When you're a Stu, EVERYTHING wants to kill you.
I was distracted because I was moving Equestria's second moon Harshwhinnia with my triplecornian magic. (AN: C i am NOT Maru Sue liek i wood b if i tookd ovr 1ST moon)
Scootaloo: Oh, sure. That only makes you a half-Stu.
Screwball: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Stu-y!
Gl1m0: We're really gonna abuse the Stu jokes on this one, are we?
AJ: Weren't it obvious?
I waved to Triplecorn. Her eyes had an envious shine like a silver medal. I guess she was jealous because even though Twilicorn had less gold medals it was true love.
Gl1m0: Wait... his mother is jealous of his... ahem, "girlfriend"?
AJ: That's almost ten levels of NOPE, right there.
Anyway, like I said, Twilicorn and I went upstairs.
Scootaloo: Redundant redundancy annoys me, because of redundancy.
Gl1m0: Bad stories annoy me badly, because they're bad.
Screwloose: Bark, bark! ...Bark!
Gl1m0: ...you don't think that's taking it a little far, Lucy?
We went to her room, next to mine, and locked the door.
Screwball: You know, to keep the mice out. Not for any other reason at all.
Then…
Gl1m0: Everyone exploded. They all died. A dog and a cat had babies. THE-FREAKIN'-END.
AJ: If only, sugarcube, if only...
We frenched in a 69 with my tongue in her navel and her lips between my thing.
Gl1m0: Wait, wha--WHOA! (both him and Applejack shield Scootaloo's eyes)
Scootaloo: Hey, what...!
Gl1m0: SCREWBALL!! SOMETIMES I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT!
Screwball: Wow, and that was just a random, uneducated guess, too! Who'da thunk?
Then we took off each other's clothes and cutie marks and got to second base.
Gl1m0: They don't wear clothes, you freakin' idiot! And how the HELL do you "take off" a cutie mark, anyway?!
Screwball: Also, second base? Pfft. That's only for touchy-feely sensual-fic losers. FOURTH is where it's at!
Gl1m0: Screwball, how many times have I told you to stay away from the clopfic vault?!
Screwball: Six-hundred and seventy-two~! And I never listened once!
She felt up my hard muscles through my spandex before taking off my top. I groped her pony chest through her sports bra first.
AJ: Can't unsee. Uggh...
Screwball: 5T0RIE, Y U NO 4NAT0M1?! D:<
Scootaloo: (still blissfully blinded) What the hay?! Okay, this is getting really stupid! Let me see, AJ...!
AJ: (still maintaining a tight grip) Fer yer own good Scoot, fer yer own good...
We went on the bed and started making out naked and then she put soda in her thing for lucubration
Gl1m0: I'm sorry, but WHAT.
AJ: P-put soda in her...?!
Screwball: Well, I guess that's one way to "pop" a cherry!
Gl1m0: DAMN IT, SCREWBALL!
and we HAD SEX.
Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark! Grrrr... BARK!
Gl1m0: Uh... "I don't know what strange, alien word exists that can properly describe what just happened, but if I know one thing, IT'S SURE AS HELL NOT 'SEX'!"
Screwball: ...That's the most verbose she's ever gotten. Kudos, Lucy!
Gl1m0: Doesn't diminish the fact that she's pretty much correct. But it doesn't take a genius to figure out, I suppose.
(AN: thsi is how poni do it, thx 2 nernym 4 sexs edcation)
Gl1m0: Well then Mr. Nernym, your sex advice -- and I mean all disrespect when I say this -- sucks worse than Screwball's stand-up comedy act.
Screwball: HEY! I got you to laugh! ...One time!
"Oh Twilicorn, Twilicorn!"
Screwball: "Oh husband my husband!"
AJ: (deadpan) Ah love you, wife.
Gl1m0: ...For some reason, I can't help but feel déjà vu...
I screamed while getting an erection
Screwball: Oh, so he's not really gettin' anything from this? Only just now he's flying full mast? Twilight must be a terrible lay.
Gl1m0: And you're assuming that because...?
Screwball: Eh. It always seem like she's the "noob" when it comes to fellatio in fanfiction. Nerds, huh?
Gl1m0: Er... yeah, nerds... (nervously adjusts fez and grimaces)
when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on her chest.
AJ: If it were right there, then how'n the hay could you have missed it?
Screwball: Oh, he probably just wasn't looking up there at the time, if ya know what I mean~!
Gl1m0: ...Screwball, that's just sick.
It was a big gold medal with a heart and a name in it. On it was big olympic letters with the words…… Triplecorn!
Screwball: The "words"? Hey, Triplecorn is only ONE word! Cheater!
Gl1m0: ...Oh no. No way. Isn't "Triplecorn" this guy's... mother?
AJ: ......Well then.
Gl1m0: What the... fuck is... This is wrong on SO, MANY, LEVELS! THIS IS ABOUT FIFTY LEVELS OF "NOPE"!
I was angry.
Gl1m0: YOU DON'T SAY!!?
Screwball: I think that Glowy might be slightly upset.
"You bastard!" I said angrily, jumping out of the bed.
Screwball: You know Meddle, it's okay to call her a "bitch", you know.
Gl1m0: Screwball!
Screwball: What? Isn't that the proper word? Gosh, everyone is so bitter today!
AJ: Uh, you do know that there's a lil' filly present, right sugarcube?
Scootaloo: (wrestles free of AJ's grip and scowls at her) ...I know what that word means, AJ. I'm not dumb.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Twilicorn pleaded. But I did.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "AHA! I understand everything now! This... IS A SHITTY FANFIC!"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "No, you've got it all wrong my dearest! YOU'RE A STU!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "What?! INCONCEIVABLE!"
"I do, you bucking idiot!" I said angrily. "You probably gave my mom lesbianicorn Aids!"
AJ: Is that what they're callin' it nowadays?
Gl1m0: They call a lot of things a lot of things.
I put on my cutie mark all angrily and stomped out.
Scootaloo: Wait... you can just put ON a cutie mark?!
Gl1m0: Apparently so, if we were to take the bullshit of this story at face value.
Scootaloo: Then... we've been looking at getting a cutie mark the wrong way...? (looks up in thought) Hmm...
AJ: ...Scoot, Ah dunno what yer thinkin', but you best stop thinkin' about it.
Scootaloo: Geez, fine...
Twilicorn ran out even though she was naked. She was still really sexy with her pony breasts and stuff but I was too mad to care.
Gl1m0: The perverted Marty Stu OC doesn't care about a naked pony-lady-anthro-thing?! CHANGELING!
Screwball: Just when ya thought it wouldn't get any stupider, somepony hits it over the head with a bat. Ten times.
I stomped downstairs until I was in the equestrian Games Commitee Meeting room where Triplecorn was choosing a game site with Princesscorn Celestia and some other ponies.
Scootaloo: The other ponies weren't important enough, I guess.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: Yes Lucy, we can safely ignore them. They won't try to kidnap you.
Screwball: But how do you KNOW? Background ponies. Just can't trust 'em.
"MISS TRIPLECORN HARSHWHINNY, YOU MOTHERBUCKER!" I yelled.
Gl1m0: So... you're accusing your mother... of fucking your mother? But, wouldn't that instead be--
"Um no that was Twilicorn" Trixie said.
Gl1m0: ...Well then. Unbelievably, Trixie beat me to it.
Screwball: [Trixie] "Was there EVER any doubt?"
"SHUT UP YOU'RE ADOPTED" the rest of the commitee said.
AJ: WE KNOW! WE DON'T CARE!
Scootaloo: ...... (looks down at her hooves)
Gl1m0: ...Say, Scootaloo? You feeling okay?
Scootaloo: It's fine... it's nothing. Let's just keep going already...
Gl1m0: Right... Chapter 8 is next. Believe me, I am NOT looking forward to it.
Screwball: You're so uptight, Glowy. You gotta relax once in a while, dude!
Gl1m0: You. Shut face. Next chapter. Now.
Gl1m0: Well, at least it's accurate.
AJ: These chapters ain't gonna get much better, are they?
tHE tWIST (AN: this is not a pun) hITS tHE pLOT (AN: this is a pun)
Scootaloo: Twist hits the plot? Poor Twist, that's gotta hurt...
AJ: Would explain a lot, actually.
Gl1m0: Those. Were. Horrid. Puns.
(AN: bcuz of inernet law I hadd 2 destory mi AN thsi chaper && redu it SO………)
Gl1m0: ...That's not how internet law works.
(**SUPR OFFICSHL && IMPROTANT AN: "Wheaties" is a ™ and © of Hasbro 2013!
Gl1m0: What? No it's not--
My Lil poni iz copyrite General mills Cereal ummm 192ty-sumthin.
Gl1m0: ...Okay, what the hell?
AJ: Ponies are... cereal products? Wha...?
Screwball: NO! MY LIFE IS A LIE!!
nOW I AM PERTECTED BY INTRANET LAWYRS && U CAN"T SUE!!! Or flame)
Screwball: That's what YOU think, buster!
Gl1m0: Flames are rather easy to start; all you need is a good lighter.
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Kindling too, yes. Such as the author's scalp.
Twilicorn and I held mucsculr hooves strongly as we went upstairs.
Gl1m0: He didn't trust stairs enough to go up by himself, after all.
Screwball: When you're a Stu, EVERYTHING wants to kill you.
I was distracted because I was moving Equestria's second moon Harshwhinnia with my triplecornian magic. (AN: C i am NOT Maru Sue liek i wood b if i tookd ovr 1ST moon)
Scootaloo: Oh, sure. That only makes you a half-Stu.
Screwball: Whatever helps you sleep at night, Stu-y!
Gl1m0: We're really gonna abuse the Stu jokes on this one, are we?
AJ: Weren't it obvious?
I waved to Triplecorn. Her eyes had an envious shine like a silver medal. I guess she was jealous because even though Twilicorn had less gold medals it was true love.
Gl1m0: Wait... his mother is jealous of his... ahem, "girlfriend"?
AJ: That's almost ten levels of NOPE, right there.
Anyway, like I said, Twilicorn and I went upstairs.
Scootaloo: Redundant redundancy annoys me, because of redundancy.
Gl1m0: Bad stories annoy me badly, because they're bad.
Screwloose: Bark, bark! ...Bark!
Gl1m0: ...you don't think that's taking it a little far, Lucy?
We went to her room, next to mine, and locked the door.
Screwball: You know, to keep the mice out. Not for any other reason at all.
Then…
Gl1m0: Everyone exploded. They all died. A dog and a cat had babies. THE-FREAKIN'-END.
AJ: If only, sugarcube, if only...
We frenched in a 69 with my tongue in her navel and her lips between my thing.
Gl1m0: Wait, wha--WHOA! (both him and Applejack shield Scootaloo's eyes)
Scootaloo: Hey, what...!
Gl1m0: SCREWBALL!! SOMETIMES I HATE IT WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT!
Screwball: Wow, and that was just a random, uneducated guess, too! Who'da thunk?
Then we took off each other's clothes and cutie marks and got to second base.
Gl1m0: They don't wear clothes, you freakin' idiot! And how the HELL do you "take off" a cutie mark, anyway?!
Screwball: Also, second base? Pfft. That's only for touchy-feely sensual-fic losers. FOURTH is where it's at!
Gl1m0: Screwball, how many times have I told you to stay away from the clopfic vault?!
Screwball: Six-hundred and seventy-two~! And I never listened once!
She felt up my hard muscles through my spandex before taking off my top. I groped her pony chest through her sports bra first.
AJ: Can't unsee. Uggh...
Screwball: 5T0RIE, Y U NO 4NAT0M1?! D:<
Scootaloo: (still blissfully blinded) What the hay?! Okay, this is getting really stupid! Let me see, AJ...!
AJ: (still maintaining a tight grip) Fer yer own good Scoot, fer yer own good...
We went on the bed and started making out naked and then she put soda in her thing for lucubration
Gl1m0: I'm sorry, but WHAT.
AJ: P-put soda in her...?!
Screwball: Well, I guess that's one way to "pop" a cherry!
Gl1m0: DAMN IT, SCREWBALL!
and we HAD SEX.
Screwloose: Bark, bark! Bark! Grrrr... BARK!
Gl1m0: Uh... "I don't know what strange, alien word exists that can properly describe what just happened, but if I know one thing, IT'S SURE AS HELL NOT 'SEX'!"
Screwball: ...That's the most verbose she's ever gotten. Kudos, Lucy!
Gl1m0: Doesn't diminish the fact that she's pretty much correct. But it doesn't take a genius to figure out, I suppose.
(AN: thsi is how poni do it, thx 2 nernym 4 sexs edcation)
Gl1m0: Well then Mr. Nernym, your sex advice -- and I mean all disrespect when I say this -- sucks worse than Screwball's stand-up comedy act.
Screwball: HEY! I got you to laugh! ...One time!
"Oh Twilicorn, Twilicorn!"
Screwball: "Oh husband my husband!"
AJ: (deadpan) Ah love you, wife.
Gl1m0: ...For some reason, I can't help but feel déjà vu...
I screamed while getting an erection
Screwball: Oh, so he's not really gettin' anything from this? Only just now he's flying full mast? Twilight must be a terrible lay.
Gl1m0: And you're assuming that because...?
Screwball: Eh. It always seem like she's the "noob" when it comes to fellatio in fanfiction. Nerds, huh?
Gl1m0: Er... yeah, nerds... (nervously adjusts fez and grimaces)
when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on her chest.
AJ: If it were right there, then how'n the hay could you have missed it?
Screwball: Oh, he probably just wasn't looking up there at the time, if ya know what I mean~!
Gl1m0: ...Screwball, that's just sick.
It was a big gold medal with a heart and a name in it. On it was big olympic letters with the words…… Triplecorn!
Screwball: The "words"? Hey, Triplecorn is only ONE word! Cheater!
Gl1m0: ...Oh no. No way. Isn't "Triplecorn" this guy's... mother?
AJ: ......Well then.
Gl1m0: What the... fuck is... This is wrong on SO, MANY, LEVELS! THIS IS ABOUT FIFTY LEVELS OF "NOPE"!
I was angry.
Gl1m0: YOU DON'T SAY!!?
Screwball: I think that Glowy might be slightly upset.
"You bastard!" I said angrily, jumping out of the bed.
Screwball: You know Meddle, it's okay to call her a "bitch", you know.
Gl1m0: Screwball!
Screwball: What? Isn't that the proper word? Gosh, everyone is so bitter today!
AJ: Uh, you do know that there's a lil' filly present, right sugarcube?
Scootaloo: (wrestles free of AJ's grip and scowls at her) ...I know what that word means, AJ. I'm not dumb.
"No! No! But you don't understand!" Twilicorn pleaded. But I did.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "AHA! I understand everything now! This... IS A SHITTY FANFIC!"
Screwball: [Twilicorn] "No, you've got it all wrong my dearest! YOU'RE A STU!"
Gl1m0: [Meddle] "What?! INCONCEIVABLE!"
"I do, you bucking idiot!" I said angrily. "You probably gave my mom lesbianicorn Aids!"
AJ: Is that what they're callin' it nowadays?
Gl1m0: They call a lot of things a lot of things.
I put on my cutie mark all angrily and stomped out.
Scootaloo: Wait... you can just put ON a cutie mark?!
Gl1m0: Apparently so, if we were to take the bullshit of this story at face value.
Scootaloo: Then... we've been looking at getting a cutie mark the wrong way...? (looks up in thought) Hmm...
AJ: ...Scoot, Ah dunno what yer thinkin', but you best stop thinkin' about it.
Scootaloo: Geez, fine...
Twilicorn ran out even though she was naked. She was still really sexy with her pony breasts and stuff but I was too mad to care.
Gl1m0: The perverted Marty Stu OC doesn't care about a naked pony-lady-anthro-thing?! CHANGELING!
Screwball: Just when ya thought it wouldn't get any stupider, somepony hits it over the head with a bat. Ten times.
I stomped downstairs until I was in the equestrian Games Commitee Meeting room where Triplecorn was choosing a game site with Princesscorn Celestia and some other ponies.
Scootaloo: The other ponies weren't important enough, I guess.
Screwloose: Bark?
Gl1m0: Yes Lucy, we can safely ignore them. They won't try to kidnap you.
Screwball: But how do you KNOW? Background ponies. Just can't trust 'em.
"MISS TRIPLECORN HARSHWHINNY, YOU MOTHERBUCKER!" I yelled.
Gl1m0: So... you're accusing your mother... of fucking your mother? But, wouldn't that instead be--
"Um no that was Twilicorn" Trixie said.
Gl1m0: ...Well then. Unbelievably, Trixie beat me to it.
Screwball: [Trixie] "Was there EVER any doubt?"
"SHUT UP YOU'RE ADOPTED" the rest of the commitee said.
AJ: WE KNOW! WE DON'T CARE!
Scootaloo: ...... (looks down at her hooves)
Gl1m0: ...Say, Scootaloo? You feeling okay?
Scootaloo: It's fine... it's nothing. Let's just keep going already...
Gl1m0: Right... Chapter 8 is next. Believe me, I am NOT looking forward to it.
Screwball: You're so uptight, Glowy. You gotta relax once in a while, dude!
Gl1m0: You. Shut face. Next chapter. Now.
Charpet 8.
Gl1m0: ...Okay, can someone explain to me what the hell a "charpet" is? (pulls out dictionary) Because I need to add this one too...
Screwball: Obviously, it's either a cat or a dog that was thrown into a furnace. Hence, "charred pet"!
Gl1m0: ...
Screwball: ...Charpet!
Gl1m0: ...
Screwball: ...Get it?
Gl1m0: Of course I "get it". I worry about your moral compass, though. (scribbles in dictionary)
(AN: Every1 cumplanes abt Triplecom && Twilicom names confuzed && allso Triplecom is cornfusing ass a triplecom so FIEN I fix fic 4 u.
AJ: Ya know what else is confusin', pard? YER GRAMMAR.
Gl1m0: It almost seems like this guy is the only author who could write notes that you need a friggin' codex to decipher.
Hrashwhinnny now TRIPLEHARSH ok? I dunno want 2 chaeng earliar chrapters so rember this!)
Scootaloo: Of course he's not being lazy! No, that's impossible.
Screwball: He's clearly a busy guy, y'know. Writin' stuff. Homework. Jackin' off to horses.
Scootaloo: ...
Gl1m0: Screwball...
Screwball: What? Don't say it's not true, Glowy!
Everyone in the commiittee stared at me when Twilicorn came in the room because she was naked and begging me to take her back.
Gl1m0: It's nice to see that Twilicorn has her priorities straight.
Screwball: "We just had sex, I'm totally naked... I should waltz into a room full of confuzzled onlookers! GENIUS!"
"Meddle, it's not what you think!" Twilicorn screamed sadly.
Scootaloo: Well, what is he thinking? I don’t even…
Gl1m0: Beats me. The mind of the Stu is an enigma.
Meanwhile, my friend Ultramarathon Muscle Mare
AJ: What’n the hay kinda name is that?
Screwball: Well, first tell me what the heck kind of name is “Applejack”! What are you, booze?
AJ: Oh really? An’ what about YER name, sugarcube? Screw… Ball… Really, now?
Screwball: …Ooh, touché.
smiled at me understatedly. She flexed her leg biceps to show off her training.
Gl1m0: Pfft. For all we know, she could have been popping some ‘roids. Color me unimpressed.
Like me she was one of the seven Elements of Sportsmareship.
Scootaloo: What would those be?
Gl1m0: Hmm… “Endurance”, “Speed”, “Fairness”, “Pride”, “Cheating”, “Pretentiousness”, and “Steroids.”
Screwball: And Meddle, being the lovable little Stu that he is, qualifies for at least six of those right off the bat. Wanna guess which ones?
She trained every day and flexed for little foals to show them how awesome sports were.
AJ: (deadpan) Uh-huh. That sure is a good lesson, alright.
Scootaloo: Sports? Booooooring.
Ultramarathon was kidnapped when she was born and grew up on a rock farm and everyone used to called her Pinkamena instead of her real name.
Gl1m0: …The hell? This is PINKIE?!
Her real parents are princesscorns and one of them has equestrian Games records but nobody knows who he is. She trains to live up to his legacy every day. It also turns out her real last name is Muscle instead of Pie.
Screwball: Welp, that’s one way to give show canon the middle finger! …What is a finger, again?
Gl1m0: It’s what I’m going to jab into your eye, if you don’t shut up.
But Ultramarathon didn't say anything so I'll talk about her later.
AJ: Ya already told us her life’s story, pard. Ah think it’s a tad late for that.
"What is the purpose of this illogical defenestration of nudity!" Princesscorn Cadunce hearted at me but I ignored her.
Gl1m0: ...How the fuck do you "hearted" at someone?!
Screwball: [Cadunce] "Duuuuh, Cadunce doesn't know!"
"Mom I can't believe you cheated with Twilicorn!" I shoulted at Tripleharsh.
AJ: Hmph, and they call themselves "sports" ponies...
Screwball: Cheaters never prosper! ...Unless you're a millionaire. In which case, CHEAT LONG AND PROSPER!
Gl1m0: I STILL can't believe this shit. Twilight and this guy's MOM were dating? The FUCK?!
Screwball: What, no word on that made-up word, hmmm?
Gl1m0: "Shoulted"? Well... (holds up dictionary and checks) ...we've already got that one. I have the niggling suspicion that we'll have almost written a brand new dictionary by the time this is done...
Everyone gasped.
Screwball: SHOCKING REVELATION!
I don't know why Meddle is so mad at Twilicorn.
Gl1m0: ...wait. Either my mind is creating stress-induced hallucinations, or the story just randomly changed perspectives.
She went out with Tripleharsh (lesbians is ok if it's bisexual)
Screwball: So… who here is bi! (raises hoof) Anyone else? Eh? (nudges AJ and Gl1m0) Eh? Eh?
Gl1m0: …Never gonna happen, Screwball.
AJ: Not sure if ah should be flattered ‘r disgusted…
for a while but then she broke mom's heart by dumping her for stupid books.
Gl1m0: I dunno, I think she actually got the better deal with the books.
Tripleharsh was just good friends now with Twilicorn.
Screwball: Friends with benefits, that is.
Gl1m0: It’s always sex with you, isn’t it?
Screwball: Of course not! …Sometimes I like disembowelment, too!
Gl1m0 & AJ: (edge away from Screwball)
But even though Twilicorn had been nerdy for a while she got better and started training for sports again.
"I'm not going out with Twilicorn anymore!" Tripleharsh said.
AJ: [Tripleharsh] “She was crampin’ my style, anyway. Good riddance, Ah say.”
"Yeah bucking right! Buck you, you bastard!" I screamed.
Gl1m0: *sighs* …Have I ever mentioned how much it irks me when fanfic authors use “buck” instead of “fuck”? ‘Cuz it does. A lot.
Screwball: …Also, he should have called her a “bi—”
AJ: We know, sugarcube. Pipe down.
I ran out of the castle and into the Everfree Forest where I lost my virility to Twilicorn and then I began preparing to burst into manly tears.
All: ……
Gl1m0: Well then. I never quite heard it put that way before…
Scootaloo: What… does that even mean? Losing virility…?
Screwball: Looks like Twilicorn likes it rough~!
Screwloose: (whines)
Gl1m0: Easy there, Lucy… next up is chapter 9, and after that, we’ll be three-quarters done.
AJ: Why is this taking so long…? Ah’m gettin’ tired already…
Screwball: Ah, suck it up you pussies!
Gl1m0: ...Okay, can someone explain to me what the hell a "charpet" is? (pulls out dictionary) Because I need to add this one too...
Screwball: Obviously, it's either a cat or a dog that was thrown into a furnace. Hence, "charred pet"!
Gl1m0: ...
Screwball: ...Charpet!
Gl1m0: ...
Screwball: ...Get it?
Gl1m0: Of course I "get it". I worry about your moral compass, though. (scribbles in dictionary)
(AN: Every1 cumplanes abt Triplecom && Twilicom names confuzed && allso Triplecom is cornfusing ass a triplecom so FIEN I fix fic 4 u.
AJ: Ya know what else is confusin', pard? YER GRAMMAR.
Gl1m0: It almost seems like this guy is the only author who could write notes that you need a friggin' codex to decipher.
Hrashwhinnny now TRIPLEHARSH ok? I dunno want 2 chaeng earliar chrapters so rember this!)
Scootaloo: Of course he's not being lazy! No, that's impossible.
Screwball: He's clearly a busy guy, y'know. Writin' stuff. Homework. Jackin' off to horses.
Scootaloo: ...
Gl1m0: Screwball...
Screwball: What? Don't say it's not true, Glowy!
Everyone in the commiittee stared at me when Twilicorn came in the room because she was naked and begging me to take her back.
Gl1m0: It's nice to see that Twilicorn has her priorities straight.
Screwball: "We just had sex, I'm totally naked... I should waltz into a room full of confuzzled onlookers! GENIUS!"
"Meddle, it's not what you think!" Twilicorn screamed sadly.
Scootaloo: Well, what is he thinking? I don’t even…
Gl1m0: Beats me. The mind of the Stu is an enigma.
Meanwhile, my friend Ultramarathon Muscle Mare
AJ: What’n the hay kinda name is that?
Screwball: Well, first tell me what the heck kind of name is “Applejack”! What are you, booze?
AJ: Oh really? An’ what about YER name, sugarcube? Screw… Ball… Really, now?
Screwball: …Ooh, touché.
smiled at me understatedly. She flexed her leg biceps to show off her training.
Gl1m0: Pfft. For all we know, she could have been popping some ‘roids. Color me unimpressed.
Like me she was one of the seven Elements of Sportsmareship.
Scootaloo: What would those be?
Gl1m0: Hmm… “Endurance”, “Speed”, “Fairness”, “Pride”, “Cheating”, “Pretentiousness”, and “Steroids.”
Screwball: And Meddle, being the lovable little Stu that he is, qualifies for at least six of those right off the bat. Wanna guess which ones?
She trained every day and flexed for little foals to show them how awesome sports were.
AJ: (deadpan) Uh-huh. That sure is a good lesson, alright.
Scootaloo: Sports? Booooooring.
Ultramarathon was kidnapped when she was born and grew up on a rock farm and everyone used to called her Pinkamena instead of her real name.
Gl1m0: …The hell? This is PINKIE?!
Her real parents are princesscorns and one of them has equestrian Games records but nobody knows who he is. She trains to live up to his legacy every day. It also turns out her real last name is Muscle instead of Pie.
Screwball: Welp, that’s one way to give show canon the middle finger! …What is a finger, again?
Gl1m0: It’s what I’m going to jab into your eye, if you don’t shut up.
But Ultramarathon didn't say anything so I'll talk about her later.
AJ: Ya already told us her life’s story, pard. Ah think it’s a tad late for that.
"What is the purpose of this illogical defenestration of nudity!" Princesscorn Cadunce hearted at me but I ignored her.
Gl1m0: ...How the fuck do you "hearted" at someone?!
Screwball: [Cadunce] "Duuuuh, Cadunce doesn't know!"
"Mom I can't believe you cheated with Twilicorn!" I shoulted at Tripleharsh.
AJ: Hmph, and they call themselves "sports" ponies...
Screwball: Cheaters never prosper! ...Unless you're a millionaire. In which case, CHEAT LONG AND PROSPER!
Gl1m0: I STILL can't believe this shit. Twilight and this guy's MOM were dating? The FUCK?!
Screwball: What, no word on that made-up word, hmmm?
Gl1m0: "Shoulted"? Well... (holds up dictionary and checks) ...we've already got that one. I have the niggling suspicion that we'll have almost written a brand new dictionary by the time this is done...
Everyone gasped.
Screwball: SHOCKING REVELATION!
I don't know why Meddle is so mad at Twilicorn.
Gl1m0: ...wait. Either my mind is creating stress-induced hallucinations, or the story just randomly changed perspectives.
She went out with Tripleharsh (lesbians is ok if it's bisexual)
Screwball: So… who here is bi! (raises hoof) Anyone else? Eh? (nudges AJ and Gl1m0) Eh? Eh?
Gl1m0: …Never gonna happen, Screwball.
AJ: Not sure if ah should be flattered ‘r disgusted…
for a while but then she broke mom's heart by dumping her for stupid books.
Gl1m0: I dunno, I think she actually got the better deal with the books.
Tripleharsh was just good friends now with Twilicorn.
Screwball: Friends with benefits, that is.
Gl1m0: It’s always sex with you, isn’t it?
Screwball: Of course not! …Sometimes I like disembowelment, too!
Gl1m0 & AJ: (edge away from Screwball)
But even though Twilicorn had been nerdy for a while she got better and started training for sports again.
"I'm not going out with Twilicorn anymore!" Tripleharsh said.
AJ: [Tripleharsh] “She was crampin’ my style, anyway. Good riddance, Ah say.”
"Yeah bucking right! Buck you, you bastard!" I screamed.
Gl1m0: *sighs* …Have I ever mentioned how much it irks me when fanfic authors use “buck” instead of “fuck”? ‘Cuz it does. A lot.
Screwball: …Also, he should have called her a “bi—”
AJ: We know, sugarcube. Pipe down.
I ran out of the castle and into the Everfree Forest where I lost my virility to Twilicorn and then I began preparing to burst into manly tears.
All: ……
Gl1m0: Well then. I never quite heard it put that way before…
Scootaloo: What… does that even mean? Losing virility…?
Screwball: Looks like Twilicorn likes it rough~!
Screwloose: (whines)
Gl1m0: Easy there, Lucy… next up is chapter 9, and after that, we’ll be three-quarters done.
AJ: Why is this taking so long…? Ah’m gettin’ tired already…
Screwball: Ah, suck it up you pussies!
hCapter 9…
Gl1m0: …Ugh. Just look at that. The story’s not even TRYING anymore. This author is beyond saving.
Screwball: >implying he was even trying in the first place
AJ: How did you…?
Gl1m0: I blame that one on 4chan, personally.
(AN: STOP FLAMING OK!
Scootaloo: Yeah… no thanks. We’re having way too much fun doing that!
Gl1m0: I don’t know what story you’re reading, but it’s clearly not the same one I am.
I dntn play all teh sportsballs so sumtims i ½ 2 makeup gusses on traning. liek 4 marthons u kcik clouds 4 halostorms or sumthin.
AJ: Now, there’s laziness, and then there’s just being plain stupid.
Scootaloo: …Kicking clouds for halostorms? He’s making that up, right?
Also iz NOT oc 4 cadunce 2 haet Twilcorn cuz cadunce reds books && twi is sexy w/ith sports. Lijke all NERDS sheis jalous)
Screwball: …Makes perfect sense! Nerdy girls are usually pretty jealous of sexy sports gals.
Gl1m0: Not like any nerds I used to know. The greatest challenge they grapple with on a daily basis tends to be figuring out what stats to level up in WoW.
Screwball: Wow. Those girls are ever nerdier than you, Glowy!
Gl1m0: I’ll… try to think of that as a compliment.
I was so smad. (AN: This means sad && mad at once)
Gl1m0: Well, at the very least, he's giving me a definition to work with... (writes in dictionary)
Screwball: Next thing ya know, he's gonna be feeling "smangst"! And "whanger"!
I couldn't believe Twilicorn made sexs with my mom.
AJ: Ah couldn’t believe that this story could get any dumber.
Scootaloo: I can’t believe that I’m down here reading this, instead of being with my friends!
Screwball: And I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I cried manly tears and punched the tree where I did it with her.
Screwball: “Stupid tree! Take this! KA-POW!”
Gl1m0: Punching a tree… didn’t give him wood.
AJ: …Well, why would it?
Gl1m0: Best you not know, AJ.
Then suddenly a horrible pony snuck up on me!
Screwball: AND THEN SUDDENLY, A WILD PLOT TWIST APPEARED.
He was a statue of an athlete with dragon scales like gold meddles and narhwal horn and two eagle paws and sharp wings.
Gl1m0: …The hell? I don’t even know what kind of thing this is, but it’s sure as hell not a pony.
Scootaloo: Did it say he was a statue, too?
Gl1m0: Yes, however the hell THAT even works. Animated statues? What is this, Doctor Who?
He didn't have a nose (just like if you look at a pony head on) and he had bigger muscles than pony chuck Norris.
Screwball: Pffffffft. Once again, Snowflake has even this guy beat out!
Snowflake: YEEEEEAAH!
Gl1m0: Fuck’s sake Screwball, stop doing that!
But he wasn't an athlete, he was just really strong.
Gl1m0: So in other words, he doesn’t lift.
Scootaloo: I don’t even think we have a gym in Ponyville, thinking about it… Ooh, maybe we should BUILD one!
AJ: (bops Scoot over the head) Get that thought outta yer head, sugarcube.
It was…… Nightmare Discord!
All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Scootaloo: …Why were we screaming, again?
Screwball: It’s fun to scream at stupid things! AAAAAAHHH!!
"No!" I shoulted scared but he snapped his fingers and took away my triplecorn wings so I couldn't run away.
Gl1m0: …I’m just gonna let that one slide. It’ll be good for me.
So instead I beat him up.
Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Sure. You beat up a “nightmare version” of the God of Chaos. THAT TOTALLY WORKS, RIGHT?!
His statue shattered and he fell to the ground and started to scream.
Screwball: …Yep!
Gl1m0: … (twitches)
Lucy: Bark! Bark!
Scootaloo: Wait, he broke him out of the statue? Isn’t that… I dunno… bad?
Gl1m0: HAH. Of course YOU would know, seeing as how you were partly the reason it happened in canon in the first place.
AJ: Wait… what now?
Scootaloo: Uh…
I felt bad for him even though he was a little bit like an earth pony so I stopped.
Gl1m0: …PITY! The Marty Stu pities the GOD OF CHAOTIC EVIL! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
AJ: Well, to be fair, he turned out t’ be an okay fellow in the end… Ah mean, Fluttershy did bring out the good in him Ah suppose.
Screwball: Pffft, he wimped out is all I’m sayin’.
"Meddle." He yelloed. "Go kill Miss Triplewhinny"
Scootaloo: He… he wants him to kill his own mother?!
Screwball: So how ‘bout that matricide, eh?
I thought about Triplewhinny and her sculpted body and spandex sweaters and the sillawet of how she looked in the showers.
Gl1m0: SO MUCH UN-WANT.
Scootaloo: …Uh, what…?
AJ: Ah’m gonna need a shower after this, come t’ think of it…
But not like that you sickos. Like how perfect of an athlete she was. Because you can admire someone's body for awesomeness.
Screwball: Suuuuuure. Whatever helps ya sleep at night, pal!
Gl1m0: This story can’t even make me even anymore.
Twilicorn said to me in my memory, "You don't understand our love", so I thought, what if they didn't have pony sexs at all? That meant mom was still a virgin!
Gl1m0: ...Apologies, let me try and read that again. ...WHAT.
AJ: But how...? Wouldn't she have to have had... Ah dunno...
Screwball: Pffft, isn't it obvious? Poor little Meddle was adopted!
Gl1m0: The sad part is... that actually kinda makes sense at this point.
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Nightmare Discord gave me an Ak-47 with extended magazine and foldable tactical foregrip.
AJ: The AK-forty-what now?
Screwball: Guns are canon now! Who’da thunk?!
Gl1m0: (facepalms) It’s getting to the point where I wonder why we’re even bothering trying to break it down in the first place… This story almost does that by itself.
"Do it"
Screwball: Do it, filly! DO IT! DO. EET. NAO.
"No! Please." I begged.
"Do it"
Screwball: [Discord] “Come on man, I’ll even let ya keep the gun. Whaddaya say?”
AJ: [Meddle] “Hm… Throw in a katana too, and you got a deal!”
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Gl1m0: Surely the Stu must have a better retort than that…
Screwball: [Meddle] “Go stick a horseshoe up your rear, jerk!”
"But you must"
Scootaloo: But he mustn’t!
Screwball: No, he MUST!
Scootaloo: He mustn’t!
Screwball: HE MUST!
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Gl1m0: Is a friggin’ needle skipping, or something?
Screwball: Stupid machine must be broken…
AJ: Not sure if that’s a good thing, ‘r a bad thing…
"If you don't, then I kill your wife Twilicorn"
Screwball: [Discord] “And I’ll kill her… WITH THIS THUMB.”
"How did you know she proposd to me back in the showers after Princesscorn Luna caught us doing it!" I gasped in a surprised fashion.
Scootaloo: He was spying on him, I bet!
Gl1m0: Seems a bit of a too-convenient plot twist, but considering this story’s track record…
Nightmare Discord rolled his eyes at me and then picked them back up.
Screwball: Little known fact, Discord is champion of the National Eyeball Bowling League.
"I snuck into the room as a changeling" He said cossackly.
Gl1m0: …And of course, he was spying.
Scootaloo: Awesome! I was right! Cool!
Screwball: “THAT CHANGELING IS A SPY!”
"Kill Triplewhinnny and you know what will happen to Twilicorn" he shouted then he turned back into a statue and ran away.
Gl1m0: Know what else ran away? My fucks. They all ran away from me.
Screwball: I’ll go get a net! Them’s is quick little buggers!
I was so smad (AN: this means scared && mad at once)
Gl1m0: And of COURSE this story decides to fuck with the definition of that made-up word! (grumbles and writes in the new definition) Make up your damn mind, author…
I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Twilicorn came in the woods.
AJ: …Ew.
Screwball: Who’s got a dirty mind? You does, Applejack!
AJ: Ah, shaddup…
"Twilicorn! Hi!" I said glad.
"Hi." She sighed back. She wasn't naked any more.
Gl1m0: Astute observation, as if we even cared to know.
Screwball: No more naked? Awwwww.
AJ: Aren’t we all technically naked all the time? … ‘Cept fer that guy, o’course.
Gl1m0: Don’t remind me…
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"No." She said depressed.
Screwball: Aw, Twily had to go all emo on us now. That’s no fun, story! You were doing so well, too!
Gl1m0: Well about what? This story’s been front to back nonsense so far…!
Screwball: Exactly!
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you making sexs with my mom but I thought that's what you did." I exposited.
AJ: Heck of an apology…
Screwball: Sincerity mode activated! BOOP!
Scootaloo: I don’t really even feel anything for this story, so…
"That's okay." She said gloomly and we went back to the princesscorn Castle together, making out.
Gl1m0: Isn’t… that… sweet. (twitches)
AJ: Sugarcube, you sure you’re gonna be okay?
Screwball: Ah, he’ll be fine. You should’ve seen him during Spiderses!
Lucy: Bark!
Scootaloo: This story is actually tiring me out… How much longer?
Gl1m0: …Chapter 10 is next. After that, only two more… (mutters to self) We’re so close now… I know I can make it…
Screwball: ONWARDS, PLEBS!
Gl1m0: …Ugh. Just look at that. The story’s not even TRYING anymore. This author is beyond saving.
Screwball: >implying he was even trying in the first place
AJ: How did you…?
Gl1m0: I blame that one on 4chan, personally.
(AN: STOP FLAMING OK!
Scootaloo: Yeah… no thanks. We’re having way too much fun doing that!
Gl1m0: I don’t know what story you’re reading, but it’s clearly not the same one I am.
I dntn play all teh sportsballs so sumtims i ½ 2 makeup gusses on traning. liek 4 marthons u kcik clouds 4 halostorms or sumthin.
AJ: Now, there’s laziness, and then there’s just being plain stupid.
Scootaloo: …Kicking clouds for halostorms? He’s making that up, right?
Also iz NOT oc 4 cadunce 2 haet Twilcorn cuz cadunce reds books && twi is sexy w/ith sports. Lijke all NERDS sheis jalous)
Screwball: …Makes perfect sense! Nerdy girls are usually pretty jealous of sexy sports gals.
Gl1m0: Not like any nerds I used to know. The greatest challenge they grapple with on a daily basis tends to be figuring out what stats to level up in WoW.
Screwball: Wow. Those girls are ever nerdier than you, Glowy!
Gl1m0: I’ll… try to think of that as a compliment.
I was so smad. (AN: This means sad && mad at once)
Gl1m0: Well, at the very least, he's giving me a definition to work with... (writes in dictionary)
Screwball: Next thing ya know, he's gonna be feeling "smangst"! And "whanger"!
I couldn't believe Twilicorn made sexs with my mom.
AJ: Ah couldn’t believe that this story could get any dumber.
Scootaloo: I can’t believe that I’m down here reading this, instead of being with my friends!
Screwball: And I can’t believe it’s not butter!
I cried manly tears and punched the tree where I did it with her.
Screwball: “Stupid tree! Take this! KA-POW!”
Gl1m0: Punching a tree… didn’t give him wood.
AJ: …Well, why would it?
Gl1m0: Best you not know, AJ.
Then suddenly a horrible pony snuck up on me!
Screwball: AND THEN SUDDENLY, A WILD PLOT TWIST APPEARED.
He was a statue of an athlete with dragon scales like gold meddles and narhwal horn and two eagle paws and sharp wings.
Gl1m0: …The hell? I don’t even know what kind of thing this is, but it’s sure as hell not a pony.
Scootaloo: Did it say he was a statue, too?
Gl1m0: Yes, however the hell THAT even works. Animated statues? What is this, Doctor Who?
He didn't have a nose (just like if you look at a pony head on) and he had bigger muscles than pony chuck Norris.
Screwball: Pffffffft. Once again, Snowflake has even this guy beat out!
Snowflake: YEEEEEAAH!
Gl1m0: Fuck’s sake Screwball, stop doing that!
But he wasn't an athlete, he was just really strong.
Gl1m0: So in other words, he doesn’t lift.
Scootaloo: I don’t even think we have a gym in Ponyville, thinking about it… Ooh, maybe we should BUILD one!
AJ: (bops Scoot over the head) Get that thought outta yer head, sugarcube.
It was…… Nightmare Discord!
All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!
Scootaloo: …Why were we screaming, again?
Screwball: It’s fun to scream at stupid things! AAAAAAHHH!!
"No!" I shoulted scared but he snapped his fingers and took away my triplecorn wings so I couldn't run away.
Gl1m0: …I’m just gonna let that one slide. It’ll be good for me.
So instead I beat him up.
Gl1m0: Uh-huh. Sure. You beat up a “nightmare version” of the God of Chaos. THAT TOTALLY WORKS, RIGHT?!
His statue shattered and he fell to the ground and started to scream.
Screwball: …Yep!
Gl1m0: … (twitches)
Lucy: Bark! Bark!
Scootaloo: Wait, he broke him out of the statue? Isn’t that… I dunno… bad?
Gl1m0: HAH. Of course YOU would know, seeing as how you were partly the reason it happened in canon in the first place.
AJ: Wait… what now?
Scootaloo: Uh…
I felt bad for him even though he was a little bit like an earth pony so I stopped.
Gl1m0: …PITY! The Marty Stu pities the GOD OF CHAOTIC EVIL! IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!
AJ: Well, to be fair, he turned out t’ be an okay fellow in the end… Ah mean, Fluttershy did bring out the good in him Ah suppose.
Screwball: Pffft, he wimped out is all I’m sayin’.
"Meddle." He yelloed. "Go kill Miss Triplewhinny"
Scootaloo: He… he wants him to kill his own mother?!
Screwball: So how ‘bout that matricide, eh?
I thought about Triplewhinny and her sculpted body and spandex sweaters and the sillawet of how she looked in the showers.
Gl1m0: SO MUCH UN-WANT.
Scootaloo: …Uh, what…?
AJ: Ah’m gonna need a shower after this, come t’ think of it…
But not like that you sickos. Like how perfect of an athlete she was. Because you can admire someone's body for awesomeness.
Screwball: Suuuuuure. Whatever helps ya sleep at night, pal!
Gl1m0: This story can’t even make me even anymore.
Twilicorn said to me in my memory, "You don't understand our love", so I thought, what if they didn't have pony sexs at all? That meant mom was still a virgin!
Gl1m0: ...Apologies, let me try and read that again. ...WHAT.
AJ: But how...? Wouldn't she have to have had... Ah dunno...
Screwball: Pffft, isn't it obvious? Poor little Meddle was adopted!
Gl1m0: The sad part is... that actually kinda makes sense at this point.
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Nightmare Discord gave me an Ak-47 with extended magazine and foldable tactical foregrip.
AJ: The AK-forty-what now?
Screwball: Guns are canon now! Who’da thunk?!
Gl1m0: (facepalms) It’s getting to the point where I wonder why we’re even bothering trying to break it down in the first place… This story almost does that by itself.
"Do it"
Screwball: Do it, filly! DO IT! DO. EET. NAO.
"No! Please." I begged.
"Do it"
Screwball: [Discord] “Come on man, I’ll even let ya keep the gun. Whaddaya say?”
AJ: [Meddle] “Hm… Throw in a katana too, and you got a deal!”
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Gl1m0: Surely the Stu must have a better retort than that…
Screwball: [Meddle] “Go stick a horseshoe up your rear, jerk!”
"But you must"
Scootaloo: But he mustn’t!
Screwball: No, he MUST!
Scootaloo: He mustn’t!
Screwball: HE MUST!
"I won't do that, Nightmare Discord!" I shouted back.
Gl1m0: Is a friggin’ needle skipping, or something?
Screwball: Stupid machine must be broken…
AJ: Not sure if that’s a good thing, ‘r a bad thing…
"If you don't, then I kill your wife Twilicorn"
Screwball: [Discord] “And I’ll kill her… WITH THIS THUMB.”
"How did you know she proposd to me back in the showers after Princesscorn Luna caught us doing it!" I gasped in a surprised fashion.
Scootaloo: He was spying on him, I bet!
Gl1m0: Seems a bit of a too-convenient plot twist, but considering this story’s track record…
Nightmare Discord rolled his eyes at me and then picked them back up.
Screwball: Little known fact, Discord is champion of the National Eyeball Bowling League.
"I snuck into the room as a changeling" He said cossackly.
Gl1m0: …And of course, he was spying.
Scootaloo: Awesome! I was right! Cool!
Screwball: “THAT CHANGELING IS A SPY!”
"Kill Triplewhinnny and you know what will happen to Twilicorn" he shouted then he turned back into a statue and ran away.
Gl1m0: Know what else ran away? My fucks. They all ran away from me.
Screwball: I’ll go get a net! Them’s is quick little buggers!
I was so smad (AN: this means scared && mad at once)
Gl1m0: And of COURSE this story decides to fuck with the definition of that made-up word! (grumbles and writes in the new definition) Make up your damn mind, author…
I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Twilicorn came in the woods.
AJ: …Ew.
Screwball: Who’s got a dirty mind? You does, Applejack!
AJ: Ah, shaddup…
"Twilicorn! Hi!" I said glad.
"Hi." She sighed back. She wasn't naked any more.
Gl1m0: Astute observation, as if we even cared to know.
Screwball: No more naked? Awwwww.
AJ: Aren’t we all technically naked all the time? … ‘Cept fer that guy, o’course.
Gl1m0: Don’t remind me…
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"No." She said depressed.
Screwball: Aw, Twily had to go all emo on us now. That’s no fun, story! You were doing so well, too!
Gl1m0: Well about what? This story’s been front to back nonsense so far…!
Screwball: Exactly!
"I'm sorry I got all mad at you making sexs with my mom but I thought that's what you did." I exposited.
AJ: Heck of an apology…
Screwball: Sincerity mode activated! BOOP!
Scootaloo: I don’t really even feel anything for this story, so…
"That's okay." She said gloomly and we went back to the princesscorn Castle together, making out.
Gl1m0: Isn’t… that… sweet. (twitches)
AJ: Sugarcube, you sure you’re gonna be okay?
Screwball: Ah, he’ll be fine. You should’ve seen him during Spiderses!
Lucy: Bark!
Scootaloo: This story is actually tiring me out… How much longer?
Gl1m0: …Chapter 10 is next. After that, only two more… (mutters to self) We’re so close now… I know I can make it…
Screwball: ONWARDS, PLEBS!
chapter10
AJ: Seriously? This is the second time he spelled “chapter” right, out of ten, and he forgot to space ‘em apart?!
Gl1m0: Like I said, beyond saving.
(AN: Evry1 hoo wrote dis fic tlod me 2 fic MOAR SINGS!
Scootaloo: … “Wrote”? I thought he was the only one writing this?
AJ: Ah don’t even know anymore, sugarcube…
Since their r not 2 meni gud sing fics abt sports So I will)
Scootaloo: Tell me he’s not…
AJ: Aw dagnabbit, he is…
Screwball: MUSICAL NUMBER INBOUND, PEOPLE! (puts on helmet) BRACE YOURSELVES!!
Gl1m0: …Good “sing fics”? There are GOOD songfics?! That’s news to me!
I was really smad about Nightmare Discord all day. I got so upset and went to rehearsals with my arena metal dubstep band Me And The other Elements of Sportsmareship.
Gl1m0: So he has a BAND now? Named after himself, of course! How ostentatious can you GET?
Lucy: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: “And Heavy Metal combined with Dubstep would clash far too much to sound good at all, really.” Fair point, I suppose.
We win gold meddles for singing.
Scootaloo: Ugh. All me and the others got for singing was a lousy ribbon…
Gl1m0: Your rewards should match your achievements, I believe… Therefore, I think those gold medals are actually fake.
Screwball: Welp, they don’t call it “Fool’s Gold” for nothin’!
The other elements of Sportsmareship in the band are Ultramarathon Muscle Mare,
Gl1m0: AKA, Not-Pinkie.
Twilicorn,
Screwball: AKA, Slutty Twilight.
Rainbow Dashicorn,
AJ: AKA, another token lesbian, like in EVERY other fic…
Fluttershy (although we call her Iron Willamena now. She put her mane into racing stripes to go faster and wears running shoes.)
Scootaloo: AKA, “We’ve only just now heard of her, and will never hear her name again.”
and Raricorn who's not an alicorn.
Gl1m0: AKA, the one who’s not important enough to be mentioned more than thrice.
Also mom.
Scootaloo: Wouldn’t having your mom in a band with you be kind of… a drag, or something?
Screwball: Well, it would create some funny memories at the after-gig parties~!
And sometimes Trixie is our backup drummer.
Screwball: [Trixie] “Watch in awe, as the Great and Powerful Trixie lays down a Great and Powerful DRUM SOLO!”
AJ: Eh, her attitude is just a little too off-beat for me…
Gl1m0: Badum-tish.
Only today Triplewhinnny and Twilicorn were both upset so they didn't go to rehearsals and the rest of us practiced without them.
Gl1m0: They were merely branches that needed pruning. Good riddance, I say!
I knew Twilicorn was probably quitting sports (but I knew she wouldn't mean it because if she did she'd become a nerd with books n stuff, ew)
Screwball: Nerds, EWWWW.
Scootaloo: Still better than his idea of sports, though…
and Triplewhinny was probably writing harsh reject letters to earth pony towns who wanted the Games.
Gl1m0: [Harshwhinny] “You’re rejected… You’re rejected… Oh, Fillydelphia? …REJECTED.”
I put on my music costume. We preformed in luckydoor masks and gold capes like marexican wrestlers but with lots of meddles on our chests.
AJ: Luckydoor? The heck?
Screwball: They dressed as illegal donkey immigrants! Racism! RACISM, I SAY!
Gl1m0: Learn. To spell. Luchidor. You moron.
We sang a cover of Sports by Huey lewis And The news.
Gl1m0: But… that’s not even a real song! …Not one I know of, anyway…
Screwball: You need to listen to more music, methinks.
"I want a new drug
"One that won't hurt my head
Screwball: Pfffft, good luck with that, pal!
Gl1m0: Well, soda doesn’t give me headaches, and caffeine is technically a drug, so…
"One that won't make my mouth too dry
AJ: Unless the main ingredient is salt, then Ah don’t see how it would…
"Or make my eyes too red
"One that won't make me nervous
Gl1m0: …I don’t even see how these are lyrics to a song. Where’s the rhythm? The melody? WE CAN’T DISCERN WHAT A SONG SOUNDS LIKE FROM TEXT ALONE, AUTHOR. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.
Screwball: And now watch, as nothing changes!
"Wonderin' what to do
Scootaloo: Write a better story, perhaps?
Gl1m0: Actually, no. First, go back to grade school. Twice. Then write stories.
Screwball: And then watch, as nothing changes!
"One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you (AN: This song copyrite Sports)
Scootaloo: Somepony sue him, he’s using copyrighted material!
Gl1m0: I’d call a lawyer, if I even knew one. Or was a legal citizen of Equestria.
AJ: Wait, you aren’t…?
Screwball: Nope! Off the radar, Jay-Jay! We live by OUR rules!
"And at the end of the song I burst into manly tears.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] “THIS SONG UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL, AND STUFF! WAAAH!”
Meddle! Are you OK?" Ultramarathon asked, concerted.
Scootaloo: Hey, I think Ultra stole that quotation mark!
Gl1m0: Wouldn’t be the first thing she stole. The other being, of course, Pinkie’s identity and proper place in this story.
Screwball: What, no word on that whole “concerted” thing?
Gl1m0: While technically grammar-correct--barely—why the fuck is she excessively concentrating on asking how Meddle feels? Who is she, Patrick?
Screwball: “FOCUSING…”
"What the buck do you think?" I asked angrily.
Screwball: [Ultra] “Hmm… Yep, you look great! Hey, is that a new mane-cut? Sweet.”
Gl1m0: …She is truly her best friend. I mean, really.
"Nightmare Disco came and the bucking bastard told me to bucking kill Triplewhinnny!
Scootaloo: Uh, “Disco”? Huh?
AJ: Egh, Ah wasn’t aware it was the 80’s again…
Screwball: Ooooh, that reminds me! I gotta ask Cheerilee who did her mane back then! Them’s is stylin’!
Gl1m0: …We are NOT building a discotheque in the Lounge, Screwball.
Lucy: Bark…
Screwball: Aw, you guys are no fun…
But I don't want to because she's best pony, even if she did go out with Twilicorn.
Screwball: FALSE! I am clearly Best Pony around here, pal!
AJ: (coughs) Well, Ah don’t like to boast, but…
Scootaloo: Hey! What about me?!
Lucy: Bark?
[[Everyone turns to look at Gl1m0.]]
Gl1m0: …What? Why is it always up to ME to decide this kind of bullshit?!
But if I don't kill mom then Nightmare Discord will bucking kill Twilicorn!" I burst into tears.
Gl1m0: You’re a Stu! Apparently, you almost freakin’ killed that guy yourself! WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT?!
Screwball: Because stupid off-the-wall attempt at making him relatable!
Suddenly Twilicorn jumped from behind the drum set.
Screwball: [Twilicorn] “Dang it, I’ve been hiding here for TWO WHOLE DAYS, and no one’s even bothered to find me?! This game of Hide and Seek SUCKS!”
"Why didn't you bucking tell me!" she shouted. "How could you -you -you EARTH PONY!"
AJ: …How’s that s’pposed ta be an insult?! Ah’m an Earth Pony! This is comin’ from Twilight, too…!
Scootaloo: Except no, it’s “Twilicorn”, apparently…
Screwball: Pffft, you Earth Ponies are so easy to annoy.
AJ: …Hypocrite. Ain’t you an Earth Pony, too?
Screwball: Me? Nah. I’m of a species that is not yet fully documented, nor understood!
AJ: Eh…?
Gl1m0: Don’t bother questioning her, she just latched onto me like a lamprey one day…
I cried and cried and cried.
Scootaloo: And we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Gl1m0: Except I wasn’t laughing.
Screwball: Under the circumstances, we’re being shockingly nice!
Twilicorn started to cry too because that hurt. She ran out crying.
Gl1m0: She rage-quitted the confrontation.
Screwball: Pffft, wimp! Meddle’s too Stu-ish for her.
AJ: Everythin’s too Stu-ish for her. Even for Meddle.
We practiced for one more hour.
Scootaloo: “…and nothing was accomplished!”
Gl1m0: “Absolutely nothing of value was learned on that day.”
Screwball: “AH DIDN’T LEARN ANYTHIN’! TURNS OUT, AH WAS RIGHT ALL ‘LONG!”
AJ: ……
Then suddenly in walked… Princesscorn Celestia! Her eyes were on fire and I knew this time it was serious.
Screwball: [Celestia] “AAAAAAARGH OH MY ME HELP YOU GUYS OUCH OUCH OUCH MY EYES ARE ON FIRE AAAAAAAAAAH OH LUNA IT HURTS OWWIE!!”
"meddle what have u done"
Gl1m0: EVERYTHING! Weren’t you listening?! HE’S… A… STU!
AJ: He did everything ‘cept the kitchen sink. …Oh wait, nah, he got that, too.
Screwball: Pffffft, HAH! Nice one!
AJ: …Well, shoot…
Gl1m0: Screwball, that’s sick…
She cried flaming tears. "we found twilicorn dead she quit sports & suicide from shame"
Screwball: WAHT A TWEEST!
Gl1m0: Wait… what?! He killed off Twilicorn?!
Scootaloo: Well, uh… that happened.
Lucy: Bark?!
AJ: But… how do ya…? She quit sports, and then just went and killed herself? How’n the HAY does THAT work?!
Gl1m0: It DOESN’T! Alright, I just know that the author is playing this up for drama—fuck, maybe even just for the sheer hell of it! What the fuck kind of audience is he even pandering to? I swear to Holy Xyzzy, this fic is…!
Screwball: Jeez, don’t blow a gasket, Glowy. We only got two more chappies to go!
Gl1m0: Halle-fuckin’-lujah.
AJ: …Ah ain’t even gonna bother getting on yer case about your potty mouth anymore, mister. Ah give up.
Screwball: Ooh, look! More story!
AJ: Seriously? This is the second time he spelled “chapter” right, out of ten, and he forgot to space ‘em apart?!
Gl1m0: Like I said, beyond saving.
(AN: Evry1 hoo wrote dis fic tlod me 2 fic MOAR SINGS!
Scootaloo: … “Wrote”? I thought he was the only one writing this?
AJ: Ah don’t even know anymore, sugarcube…
Since their r not 2 meni gud sing fics abt sports So I will)
Scootaloo: Tell me he’s not…
AJ: Aw dagnabbit, he is…
Screwball: MUSICAL NUMBER INBOUND, PEOPLE! (puts on helmet) BRACE YOURSELVES!!
Gl1m0: …Good “sing fics”? There are GOOD songfics?! That’s news to me!
I was really smad about Nightmare Discord all day. I got so upset and went to rehearsals with my arena metal dubstep band Me And The other Elements of Sportsmareship.
Gl1m0: So he has a BAND now? Named after himself, of course! How ostentatious can you GET?
Lucy: Bark, bark!
Gl1m0: “And Heavy Metal combined with Dubstep would clash far too much to sound good at all, really.” Fair point, I suppose.
We win gold meddles for singing.
Scootaloo: Ugh. All me and the others got for singing was a lousy ribbon…
Gl1m0: Your rewards should match your achievements, I believe… Therefore, I think those gold medals are actually fake.
Screwball: Welp, they don’t call it “Fool’s Gold” for nothin’!
The other elements of Sportsmareship in the band are Ultramarathon Muscle Mare,
Gl1m0: AKA, Not-Pinkie.
Twilicorn,
Screwball: AKA, Slutty Twilight.
Rainbow Dashicorn,
AJ: AKA, another token lesbian, like in EVERY other fic…
Fluttershy (although we call her Iron Willamena now. She put her mane into racing stripes to go faster and wears running shoes.)
Scootaloo: AKA, “We’ve only just now heard of her, and will never hear her name again.”
and Raricorn who's not an alicorn.
Gl1m0: AKA, the one who’s not important enough to be mentioned more than thrice.
Also mom.
Scootaloo: Wouldn’t having your mom in a band with you be kind of… a drag, or something?
Screwball: Well, it would create some funny memories at the after-gig parties~!
And sometimes Trixie is our backup drummer.
Screwball: [Trixie] “Watch in awe, as the Great and Powerful Trixie lays down a Great and Powerful DRUM SOLO!”
AJ: Eh, her attitude is just a little too off-beat for me…
Gl1m0: Badum-tish.
Only today Triplewhinnny and Twilicorn were both upset so they didn't go to rehearsals and the rest of us practiced without them.
Gl1m0: They were merely branches that needed pruning. Good riddance, I say!
I knew Twilicorn was probably quitting sports (but I knew she wouldn't mean it because if she did she'd become a nerd with books n stuff, ew)
Screwball: Nerds, EWWWW.
Scootaloo: Still better than his idea of sports, though…
and Triplewhinny was probably writing harsh reject letters to earth pony towns who wanted the Games.
Gl1m0: [Harshwhinny] “You’re rejected… You’re rejected… Oh, Fillydelphia? …REJECTED.”
I put on my music costume. We preformed in luckydoor masks and gold capes like marexican wrestlers but with lots of meddles on our chests.
AJ: Luckydoor? The heck?
Screwball: They dressed as illegal donkey immigrants! Racism! RACISM, I SAY!
Gl1m0: Learn. To spell. Luchidor. You moron.
We sang a cover of Sports by Huey lewis And The news.
Gl1m0: But… that’s not even a real song! …Not one I know of, anyway…
Screwball: You need to listen to more music, methinks.
"I want a new drug
"One that won't hurt my head
Screwball: Pfffft, good luck with that, pal!
Gl1m0: Well, soda doesn’t give me headaches, and caffeine is technically a drug, so…
"One that won't make my mouth too dry
AJ: Unless the main ingredient is salt, then Ah don’t see how it would…
"Or make my eyes too red
"One that won't make me nervous
Gl1m0: …I don’t even see how these are lyrics to a song. Where’s the rhythm? The melody? WE CAN’T DISCERN WHAT A SONG SOUNDS LIKE FROM TEXT ALONE, AUTHOR. GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL.
Screwball: And now watch, as nothing changes!
"Wonderin' what to do
Scootaloo: Write a better story, perhaps?
Gl1m0: Actually, no. First, go back to grade school. Twice. Then write stories.
Screwball: And then watch, as nothing changes!
"One that makes me feel like I feel when I'm with you (AN: This song copyrite Sports)
Scootaloo: Somepony sue him, he’s using copyrighted material!
Gl1m0: I’d call a lawyer, if I even knew one. Or was a legal citizen of Equestria.
AJ: Wait, you aren’t…?
Screwball: Nope! Off the radar, Jay-Jay! We live by OUR rules!
"And at the end of the song I burst into manly tears.
Gl1m0: [Meddle] “THIS SONG UNDERSTANDS HOW I FEEL, AND STUFF! WAAAH!”
Meddle! Are you OK?" Ultramarathon asked, concerted.
Scootaloo: Hey, I think Ultra stole that quotation mark!
Gl1m0: Wouldn’t be the first thing she stole. The other being, of course, Pinkie’s identity and proper place in this story.
Screwball: What, no word on that whole “concerted” thing?
Gl1m0: While technically grammar-correct--barely—why the fuck is she excessively concentrating on asking how Meddle feels? Who is she, Patrick?
Screwball: “FOCUSING…”
"What the buck do you think?" I asked angrily.
Screwball: [Ultra] “Hmm… Yep, you look great! Hey, is that a new mane-cut? Sweet.”
Gl1m0: …She is truly her best friend. I mean, really.
"Nightmare Disco came and the bucking bastard told me to bucking kill Triplewhinnny!
Scootaloo: Uh, “Disco”? Huh?
AJ: Egh, Ah wasn’t aware it was the 80’s again…
Screwball: Ooooh, that reminds me! I gotta ask Cheerilee who did her mane back then! Them’s is stylin’!
Gl1m0: …We are NOT building a discotheque in the Lounge, Screwball.
Lucy: Bark…
Screwball: Aw, you guys are no fun…
But I don't want to because she's best pony, even if she did go out with Twilicorn.
Screwball: FALSE! I am clearly Best Pony around here, pal!
AJ: (coughs) Well, Ah don’t like to boast, but…
Scootaloo: Hey! What about me?!
Lucy: Bark?
[[Everyone turns to look at Gl1m0.]]
Gl1m0: …What? Why is it always up to ME to decide this kind of bullshit?!
But if I don't kill mom then Nightmare Discord will bucking kill Twilicorn!" I burst into tears.
Gl1m0: You’re a Stu! Apparently, you almost freakin’ killed that guy yourself! WHY ARE YOU SO CONCERNED ABOUT THAT?!
Screwball: Because stupid off-the-wall attempt at making him relatable!
Suddenly Twilicorn jumped from behind the drum set.
Screwball: [Twilicorn] “Dang it, I’ve been hiding here for TWO WHOLE DAYS, and no one’s even bothered to find me?! This game of Hide and Seek SUCKS!”
"Why didn't you bucking tell me!" she shouted. "How could you -you -you EARTH PONY!"
AJ: …How’s that s’pposed ta be an insult?! Ah’m an Earth Pony! This is comin’ from Twilight, too…!
Scootaloo: Except no, it’s “Twilicorn”, apparently…
Screwball: Pffft, you Earth Ponies are so easy to annoy.
AJ: …Hypocrite. Ain’t you an Earth Pony, too?
Screwball: Me? Nah. I’m of a species that is not yet fully documented, nor understood!
AJ: Eh…?
Gl1m0: Don’t bother questioning her, she just latched onto me like a lamprey one day…
I cried and cried and cried.
Scootaloo: And we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Gl1m0: Except I wasn’t laughing.
Screwball: Under the circumstances, we’re being shockingly nice!
Twilicorn started to cry too because that hurt. She ran out crying.
Gl1m0: She rage-quitted the confrontation.
Screwball: Pffft, wimp! Meddle’s too Stu-ish for her.
AJ: Everythin’s too Stu-ish for her. Even for Meddle.
We practiced for one more hour.
Scootaloo: “…and nothing was accomplished!”
Gl1m0: “Absolutely nothing of value was learned on that day.”
Screwball: “AH DIDN’T LEARN ANYTHIN’! TURNS OUT, AH WAS RIGHT ALL ‘LONG!”
AJ: ……
Then suddenly in walked… Princesscorn Celestia! Her eyes were on fire and I knew this time it was serious.
Screwball: [Celestia] “AAAAAAARGH OH MY ME HELP YOU GUYS OUCH OUCH OUCH MY EYES ARE ON FIRE AAAAAAAAAAH OH LUNA IT HURTS OWWIE!!”
"meddle what have u done"
Gl1m0: EVERYTHING! Weren’t you listening?! HE’S… A… STU!
AJ: He did everything ‘cept the kitchen sink. …Oh wait, nah, he got that, too.
Screwball: Pffffft, HAH! Nice one!
AJ: …Well, shoot…
Gl1m0: Screwball, that’s sick…
She cried flaming tears. "we found twilicorn dead she quit sports & suicide from shame"
Screwball: WAHT A TWEEST!
Gl1m0: Wait… what?! He killed off Twilicorn?!
Scootaloo: Well, uh… that happened.
Lucy: Bark?!
AJ: But… how do ya…? She quit sports, and then just went and killed herself? How’n the HAY does THAT work?!
Gl1m0: It DOESN’T! Alright, I just know that the author is playing this up for drama—fuck, maybe even just for the sheer hell of it! What the fuck kind of audience is he even pandering to? I swear to Holy Xyzzy, this fic is…!
Screwball: Jeez, don’t blow a gasket, Glowy. We only got two more chappies to go!
Gl1m0: Halle-fuckin’-lujah.
AJ: …Ah ain’t even gonna bother getting on yer case about your potty mouth anymore, mister. Ah give up.
Screwball: Ooh, look! More story!
Cheptar 11
Gl1m0: …WHAT THE FRIGGITY FRAK IS A “CHEPTAR”?!
AJ: Block it out sugarcube, jus’ block it out…
Gl1m0: Gnrgh… (chews on his thumb)
(AN: Y IS EVERY1 COMPLANEING THERE R NOT ENUF POLT TWISTS!!!
Gl1m0: WE… WEREN’T… COMPLAINING!
Screwball: Yeah! We’re whining! There’s a difference!
Scootaloo: If anything, there’s too many plot twists…!
FINE!!!!!!! I twsit ALL teh twits! U AXED 4 IT)
all: NO WE DIDN’T!
Gl1m0: …Also, did he just say “twist all the twits”?
Scootaloo: Wow, Twist just can’t catch a break around here…
"NO!" I screamed smadly.
Screwball: No? You mean, “yes”!
AJ: Nah, he meant “No” in a “Yes” way, but it was still “no”.
Scootaloo: So… No, except yes? Or yes, except…
Gl1m0: …Great, now the migraines are coming back. Guh…
Ultramarathon tried to throw a party to cheer me up
Gl1m0: Probably the ONLY instance in this entire story where she acts like Pinkie at all.
but I told her to buck off and ran to my room, wetting myself with tears.
Screwball: Snrk… Meddle wet himself. Heehee!
Lucy: Arf…
Gl1m0: “Simple minds…” If only her mind was “simple”.
Celestia chased after me shouting, but I slammed the door in her face and she couldn't come because it was a colt's room.
Scootaloo: So? Why can’t she just go in? It’s not like he locked the door, right?
Gl1m0: It’s one of those “gender codes”. Same reason boys only go into the boy’s bathroom, and girls only go into the girl’s bathroom.
Scootaloo: …Oh. That’s… kinda dumb, actually.
Screwball: I know, right?! That’s why our bathroom is unisex!
Gl1m0: It came with the ship’s design, it wasn’t my idea…!
"Oh Twilicorn!" I cried angry tears of loss.
Screwball: ‘Dem tears are SEETHING WITH RAGE!
AJ: You won’t like them when they’re angry, pard.
"I quit sports too." I whispered. It was dramatic.
Gl1m0: “Dramatic”? That’s a funny way of spelling “pathetic.”
But it was practice time so I did that instead. I shot a biathlete,
Scootaloo: Aw, and he just got out of the hospital, too…
Gl1m0: His health insurance agent is gonna have a conniption over this.
Screwball: [Agent] “OH, FOR LUNA’S SAKE! NOT THIS HORSESHIT AGAIN!”
and ran six laps to my moon and back.
Gl1m0: It’s possible to “run” across the expanse of space to a moon? I don’t suppose the story would care to offer an explanation as to that peculiar feat?
Screwball: Because Stu!
Gl1m0: Ah, of course! How silly of me for assuming there would be a VALID REASON.
On lap seven my mom was there in my locker room after her own sports practice and she talked to me while we took a shower.
AJ: Moms an’ sons takin’ showers together—still an okay thing to do, apparently!
Gl1m0: Well fuck, heeeeere comes the flashbacks of that Button fic…!
"Hi Meddle" Tripleharsh said.
"Sup mom." I said depressed.
Scootaloo: Yeah, you’ve gone all emo and stuff. We get it.
Screwball: Emo-Stu is best Stu.
Gl1m0: At least it’s funny to watch the Stu squirm in his depression, so… I’d kind of have to agree. It’s better than when he and Twilight were engaging in… that abomination.
"I'm sorry about Twilicorn because she was kinda cool but I never made sexs with her." She said sadly.
AJ: She’s being strangely specific, there…
Screwball: Ah-HAH! Maybe she DID make the sexs with Twilicorn! …Secretly!
Gl1m0: Date rape, of course. Shit…
"I know." I said because I knew.
Scootaloo: He knows? About…?
Screwball: About everything! He’s a Stu, so he KNOWS!
Scootaloo: I’ll… take your word for it.
"If I was going to cheat with anyone it would be the hottest stallion in Equestra (she means me) because my standards as an inspector are really high." She admitted with a giggle.
Gl1m0: …There are no words for how wrong the implications of that are.
AJ: You sure ‘bout that, pard? Ah could think of a few.
Screwball: Disgusting? Abhorrent? Sordid? Really, really, icky?
Gl1m0: Not even close. We have yet to even invent a word.
"Me to," I said, except the stallion part because ew.
Screwball: Aw, but stallion-on-stallion is hawt!
Gl1m0: …I don’t know how you’re discovering stuff like that, but as soon as I find out, you’re cut off.
Lucy: Bark…
AJ: Well shoot, now ah jus’ got flashbacks from a fic involvin’ Big Mac…! Egh…
"Also you are best pony and a good athlete." We hugged and kissed in a TOTALLY CHASED and NOT SICK way.
Scootaloo: So you say.
AJ: An’ yet… well, the implications are still there.
Gl1m0: Nngh… Totally “chased”? It’s “CHASTE”, you freakin’ dunce.
Suddenly……
Gl1m0: Everyone died. The end. CAN WE BE DONE WITH THIS FIC, NOW?
Screwball: Nuuuuuupe! Not over ‘til it’s over, man!
"aHA! HA! HAHAHA!" erupted the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE!
AJ: Welp, looks like there ain’t any hope for that Caps Lock key now…
Gl1m0: It will be sorely missed by the Tab and Shift keys, who really thought that Caps Lock was a pretty alright guy.
Screwball: The latter key, of course, may soon be following his pal to the grave!
Scootaloo: Ooh, I call flower bearer at the funeral!
I couldn't bucking believe it.
Screwball: That it’s not butter? I know, I couldn’t either! Until I tasted it, that is. That is so not butter, ewww! Waste of money, man. Don’t buy that bunk.
Gl1m0: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT BUTTER FOR TWO SECONDS?!
Screwball: … … … … Butter! There, two seconds! Like ya said!
Gl1m0: … (twitches)
I looked out the window and screamed… they were in the bushes!
Scootaloo: …Who were?
Princesscorns Luna and Cadunce
Scootaloo: Oh, of course.
Screwball: Who else could it be but two of the most powerful alicorns in Equestria staring at him from the bushes, am I right?!
Gl1m0: I never took those two as peepers… then again, I never would have taken Twilight as an out-of-character pansy, so…
were spying on our shower and taking a video tape!
Screwball: [Luna] “WE SHALT UPLOAD THIS CLIP TO “YOUTUBE”, AND RECEIVE MANY LOLS FROM TOTAL STRANGERS WHOM WE HATH NEVER MET BEFORE! IT SHALL BE GLORIOUS!”
Scootaloo: My ears…! That was too good of an impression!
Gl1m0: Agh… (rubs ears) Tell me about it…
Cadence was looking at my thing!
AJ: Oh sure, spell Cadence’s name properly for ONCE, why don’t ya…
Gl1m0: [Cadence] “Goodness, it’s so small! Is that supposed to be a pickle, or something?
"nOW WE CANST BLAKEMEL THOU AND LIETH TO EVERYONE THAT THEE GOT THY INSPECTORNESS THROUGH NEPOTITION AND YOU WILL LOSE THY MEDDLES!" LUNA SAID.
Gl1m0: …The actual fuck? “Blakemel”? “Nepotition”? And for shit’s sake author, LAY OFF THE ALL CAPS AND BOLDED TEXT. SERIOUSLY. IT JUST LOOKS STUPID.
Scootaloo: Uh… right, sure.
"EW! YOU SICK BUCKING PEDOGRAPHERS! I"M ONLY SIXTEEN!" I screamed hiding behind my muscles.
Screwball: He doesn’t have a lot to hide behind, then! The Stu’s really let himself go.
Gl1m0: …Sixteen. He went through all of that sports crap, he’s a frickin’ inspector, had sexual intercourse, was about to get friggin’ MARRIED, AND HE WAS SIXTEEN-FUCKING-YEARS OLD?!
Screwball: …Yep!
Gl1m0: …………
AJ: Er, let’s jus’ move on, sugarcube… We’re almost done, right?
Gl1m0: …I suppose. But if I ever see this author… I WILL EAT HIS UNBORN PARENTS.
Scootaloo: …Okay then.
"How dare you pedospy on my son!"
AJ: They do dare, apparently….
Screwball: Who dare? WE dare, mare! …Dare.
Gl1m0: …Reminds me of that one brand of cookies. God, I miss those…
Tripleharsh pointed her triplehorn at Luna and Cadunce and smashed them with Harshwhinnia.
Screwball: Talk about “mooning” your foes, heehee!
Gl1m0: …Bad joke is bad.
Screwball: Pfft, better than most of yours, at least.
I took my AK-47 and emptied 40 clips into them and they both started screaming and the camera exploded twice.
Screwball: For you see, there is NO kill like “overkill”!
Scootaloo: Can they do that? Can a camera explode twice?
Gl1m0: You’re wondering about THAT? I was just about to harp on the fact that Mr. Stu here somehow burned through FORTY CLIPS in the span of a few seconds.
AJ: …Would it be too much t’ say, “Because Stu”?
Gl1m0: It would be horribly overused, that much is certain. Fuck, we’re burning out all of our Marty Stu jokes here…!
Suddenly, Celestia ran in. "meddle u need 2 know that -
Gl1m0: “-I am your father!”
Scootaloo: “-your mail order of horn ointment just came in!”
Screwball: “-I’m pregnant! And YOU’RE the father!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SISTER" she shoulted looking at Cadunce and Luna and rarisected them with her princesscorn powers
Scootaloo: “Rarisected”? Um, what? Doesn’t he mean “resurrected” or something?
Gl1m0: Yet another stupid word… (scribbles in dictionary) …Now, to spend thirty minutes coming up with a decent definition…
and suddenly…
AJ: The author’s keyboard broke, and he couldn’t write anymore! …Please?
Gl1m0: …Nope, sorry. I still see more words down there.
AJ: Dangit…
Raricorn galloped up to the castle and said everyone we need to talk.
Screwball: [Raricorn] “Everyone… we need to talk.”
Gl1m0: [Everyone else] “…Mmkay.”
"What do you know, Raricorn? You just call yourself that, you're not even an alicorn!"
Gl1m0: Well, she knows that the answer to the ultimate question is forty-two. What do YOU know?
"I MAY BE JUST A UNICORN…" Raricorn paused for suspense.
Screwball: [Raricorn] “I AM PAUSING, BECAUSE I’M THE ONE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DRAMATIC AND STUFF! IT FITS MY CHARACTER, SO SHUT UP!”
Gl1m0: I think I might know a couple of people who would disagree with that, but, I’ll just let it go for now…
"BUT I HAVE A RECORD FOR SPORTS MEDDLES!" Everyone gasped.
Scootaloo: And that’s shocking… how?
AJ: It ain’t, sugarcube. They’re just pretending to be impressed, ‘cuz they feel bad for her.
"This cannot be." Cadunce gasped as blood dripped from her hooves where Celestia had rarisected her. "We need ponies to believe us and not Raricorn to blakemel Meddle off the Coommitee."
Gl1m0: “Blakemel” him off the “coommitee”…? Apparently, these are words now, so… (writes in dictionary) …I’ve lost count. How many words has this story alone added to the dictionary?
AJ: Shoot, Ah dunno…
Scootaloo: Like… a bunch?
Gl1m0: …Sure, let’s go with that.
"WELL THEY BUCKING WON'T!" I yelled smadly.
Lupa held up the recorder trumpetly.
Screwball: Now now, Lupa! Now is not the time to show us all how much you suck at the recorder!
Gl1m0: Heh, she’s probably worse than even me at that thing—hold on a second, who the hell is Lupa?!
Screwball: The chick who can’t play the recorder worth her life! I meant, she’s holding it like a trumpet, man! Can’t ya read?
Gl1m0: …Yes, yes I can.
"aW CONTRAIR! tHE CAMERA MAY BE RUINED BUT THY TAPE IS STILL THERE!"
AJ: [Meddle] “Okay, but did you even remember to push the “record” button?”
Gl1m0: [Luna] “What does thou take me for? Of course I—ah, curses! Foiled by the lens cap again!”
I felt faint, like I had trained lots but not eaten breakfast or lunch all day.
Scootaloo: Maybe because you HAVE trained a lot, and didn’t eat anything?
Screwball: He’s forgetting to do stuff?! And is weak from hunger?! The Stu Logic is falling apart! Abandon fic, abandon fic! (jumps off the couch)
Gl1m0: As far as the plot is concerned, it’s “Too little, too late”, I’m afraid.
"rARICORN WHY ARE YOU AGAINST THIS" thou asked dirtily.
Gl1m0: Someone ought to get those words cleaned, I think.
Screwball: A thousand years on the moon does let her words collect dust and all…
And then she said the special words that I had heard before but not from her. I did not know whether to feel shocked or happy or to faint from hunger.
Scootaloo: “You’re fired”?
Lucy: Bark?
Screwball: “There’s a spider on your face”?
Gl1m0: (whispering) Die from hunger, die from hunger, die from hunger…
"BECAUSE… BECAUSE…"
Screwball: “HAVE TO… SPACE MY… SENTENCES…”
Raricorn said and she paused in midair dramitacally, reflecting her meddles off the light.
Gl1m0: …Why are SO MANY THINGS about this fic backwards?! How the fuck do you reflect medals off of the light?
Screwball: BECAUSE SCIENCE!
Then she swooped down to me on her knees, singing the best song by Queenicorn.
AJ: Queeni-who?
Gl1m0: Aw hell, they went and ruined a singer that I actually kind of liked, too…!
Screwball: Ooooh, if only I had my CD of Equestrian Rhapsody, then this would have been PERFECT!
Gl1m0: …How did you get a CD of that, exactly?
Screwball: Internet, silly! …And the CD part is a secret.
"Because sports?" Cadunce asked in a little afraid voice because she was a nerd.
Screwball: Ooh, good guess!
Scootaloo: I would… actually laugh if that turned out to be true.
Raricorn pointed sneerily at Cadunce. "You got blood on your face! You big disgrace! Somebody better put you back into your place."
AJ: Oh hey there NOT-Zecora.
Screwball: Seriously?! That didn’t even flow! Where’s the rhythm?! Where’s the pi-zazz?!
Gl1m0: It took a right turn at Albuquerque, and was never heard from again.
Then she turned back to me and sang
Gl1m0: “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you d--” (is punched by AJ) —OWWW!!
AJ: Sugarcube, don’t you EVER start singing that again.
Gl1m0: UGH, WHAT THE HELL?! YOU ALMOST BROKE MY JAW!
AJ: Ah fail t’ see how that’s supposed to be a bad thing.
"I do, I do, LOVE YOU!"
Screwball: [Meddle] “…What, no chocolates?”
Gl1m0: That’s no way to treat your beloved Stu, Rares. (pauses) …Wait, what am I saying?! Now that Twilight is out of the picture, RARITY is hopping on the Marty Stu Romance Express?! And she had to do it by butchering the chorus of “We Will Rock You”?!
AJ: Well ain’t that a… Nngh. If Rarity ever saw this, she’d have a fit.
Gl1m0: I’d honestly be more concerned about Twilight, considering she was involved in two TERRIBLE sex scenes and was KILLED OFF no less…
(AN: OMBA thsi was loooooooooong catpher!
Gl1m0: It… really wasn’t, but it sure seemed that way for us…
Lucy: (whines)
Scootaloo: When is this gonna be over, again…?
AJ: One more chapter, sugarcube…
I ca'nt fic 2morro bcuz faild trip BTU I ½ a SERPRIZE………)
Screwball: …‘K.
Gl1m0: Uh… If I read this correctly, which I’m sort of certain that I did, then the author just said he was going on a field trip… and has a surprise waiting next chapter.
AJ: Uh-oh, that ain’t soundin’ too good…
Scootaloo: Wh-what’s the surprise?
Lucy: Arf…
Gl1m0: “Let’s find out, then.” Indeed…
Gl1m0: …WHAT THE FRIGGITY FRAK IS A “CHEPTAR”?!
AJ: Block it out sugarcube, jus’ block it out…
Gl1m0: Gnrgh… (chews on his thumb)
(AN: Y IS EVERY1 COMPLANEING THERE R NOT ENUF POLT TWISTS!!!
Gl1m0: WE… WEREN’T… COMPLAINING!
Screwball: Yeah! We’re whining! There’s a difference!
Scootaloo: If anything, there’s too many plot twists…!
FINE!!!!!!! I twsit ALL teh twits! U AXED 4 IT)
all: NO WE DIDN’T!
Gl1m0: …Also, did he just say “twist all the twits”?
Scootaloo: Wow, Twist just can’t catch a break around here…
"NO!" I screamed smadly.
Screwball: No? You mean, “yes”!
AJ: Nah, he meant “No” in a “Yes” way, but it was still “no”.
Scootaloo: So… No, except yes? Or yes, except…
Gl1m0: …Great, now the migraines are coming back. Guh…
Ultramarathon tried to throw a party to cheer me up
Gl1m0: Probably the ONLY instance in this entire story where she acts like Pinkie at all.
but I told her to buck off and ran to my room, wetting myself with tears.
Screwball: Snrk… Meddle wet himself. Heehee!
Lucy: Arf…
Gl1m0: “Simple minds…” If only her mind was “simple”.
Celestia chased after me shouting, but I slammed the door in her face and she couldn't come because it was a colt's room.
Scootaloo: So? Why can’t she just go in? It’s not like he locked the door, right?
Gl1m0: It’s one of those “gender codes”. Same reason boys only go into the boy’s bathroom, and girls only go into the girl’s bathroom.
Scootaloo: …Oh. That’s… kinda dumb, actually.
Screwball: I know, right?! That’s why our bathroom is unisex!
Gl1m0: It came with the ship’s design, it wasn’t my idea…!
"Oh Twilicorn!" I cried angry tears of loss.
Screwball: ‘Dem tears are SEETHING WITH RAGE!
AJ: You won’t like them when they’re angry, pard.
"I quit sports too." I whispered. It was dramatic.
Gl1m0: “Dramatic”? That’s a funny way of spelling “pathetic.”
But it was practice time so I did that instead. I shot a biathlete,
Scootaloo: Aw, and he just got out of the hospital, too…
Gl1m0: His health insurance agent is gonna have a conniption over this.
Screwball: [Agent] “OH, FOR LUNA’S SAKE! NOT THIS HORSESHIT AGAIN!”
and ran six laps to my moon and back.
Gl1m0: It’s possible to “run” across the expanse of space to a moon? I don’t suppose the story would care to offer an explanation as to that peculiar feat?
Screwball: Because Stu!
Gl1m0: Ah, of course! How silly of me for assuming there would be a VALID REASON.
On lap seven my mom was there in my locker room after her own sports practice and she talked to me while we took a shower.
AJ: Moms an’ sons takin’ showers together—still an okay thing to do, apparently!
Gl1m0: Well fuck, heeeeere comes the flashbacks of that Button fic…!
"Hi Meddle" Tripleharsh said.
"Sup mom." I said depressed.
Scootaloo: Yeah, you’ve gone all emo and stuff. We get it.
Screwball: Emo-Stu is best Stu.
Gl1m0: At least it’s funny to watch the Stu squirm in his depression, so… I’d kind of have to agree. It’s better than when he and Twilight were engaging in… that abomination.
"I'm sorry about Twilicorn because she was kinda cool but I never made sexs with her." She said sadly.
AJ: She’s being strangely specific, there…
Screwball: Ah-HAH! Maybe she DID make the sexs with Twilicorn! …Secretly!
Gl1m0: Date rape, of course. Shit…
"I know." I said because I knew.
Scootaloo: He knows? About…?
Screwball: About everything! He’s a Stu, so he KNOWS!
Scootaloo: I’ll… take your word for it.
"If I was going to cheat with anyone it would be the hottest stallion in Equestra (she means me) because my standards as an inspector are really high." She admitted with a giggle.
Gl1m0: …There are no words for how wrong the implications of that are.
AJ: You sure ‘bout that, pard? Ah could think of a few.
Screwball: Disgusting? Abhorrent? Sordid? Really, really, icky?
Gl1m0: Not even close. We have yet to even invent a word.
"Me to," I said, except the stallion part because ew.
Screwball: Aw, but stallion-on-stallion is hawt!
Gl1m0: …I don’t know how you’re discovering stuff like that, but as soon as I find out, you’re cut off.
Lucy: Bark…
AJ: Well shoot, now ah jus’ got flashbacks from a fic involvin’ Big Mac…! Egh…
"Also you are best pony and a good athlete." We hugged and kissed in a TOTALLY CHASED and NOT SICK way.
Scootaloo: So you say.
AJ: An’ yet… well, the implications are still there.
Gl1m0: Nngh… Totally “chased”? It’s “CHASTE”, you freakin’ dunce.
Suddenly……
Gl1m0: Everyone died. The end. CAN WE BE DONE WITH THIS FIC, NOW?
Screwball: Nuuuuuupe! Not over ‘til it’s over, man!
"aHA! HA! HAHAHA!" erupted the rOYAL cANTERLOT vOICE!
AJ: Welp, looks like there ain’t any hope for that Caps Lock key now…
Gl1m0: It will be sorely missed by the Tab and Shift keys, who really thought that Caps Lock was a pretty alright guy.
Screwball: The latter key, of course, may soon be following his pal to the grave!
Scootaloo: Ooh, I call flower bearer at the funeral!
I couldn't bucking believe it.
Screwball: That it’s not butter? I know, I couldn’t either! Until I tasted it, that is. That is so not butter, ewww! Waste of money, man. Don’t buy that bunk.
Gl1m0: WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT BUTTER FOR TWO SECONDS?!
Screwball: … … … … Butter! There, two seconds! Like ya said!
Gl1m0: … (twitches)
I looked out the window and screamed… they were in the bushes!
Scootaloo: …Who were?
Princesscorns Luna and Cadunce
Scootaloo: Oh, of course.
Screwball: Who else could it be but two of the most powerful alicorns in Equestria staring at him from the bushes, am I right?!
Gl1m0: I never took those two as peepers… then again, I never would have taken Twilight as an out-of-character pansy, so…
were spying on our shower and taking a video tape!
Screwball: [Luna] “WE SHALT UPLOAD THIS CLIP TO “YOUTUBE”, AND RECEIVE MANY LOLS FROM TOTAL STRANGERS WHOM WE HATH NEVER MET BEFORE! IT SHALL BE GLORIOUS!”
Scootaloo: My ears…! That was too good of an impression!
Gl1m0: Agh… (rubs ears) Tell me about it…
Cadence was looking at my thing!
AJ: Oh sure, spell Cadence’s name properly for ONCE, why don’t ya…
Gl1m0: [Cadence] “Goodness, it’s so small! Is that supposed to be a pickle, or something?
"nOW WE CANST BLAKEMEL THOU AND LIETH TO EVERYONE THAT THEE GOT THY INSPECTORNESS THROUGH NEPOTITION AND YOU WILL LOSE THY MEDDLES!" LUNA SAID.
Gl1m0: …The actual fuck? “Blakemel”? “Nepotition”? And for shit’s sake author, LAY OFF THE ALL CAPS AND BOLDED TEXT. SERIOUSLY. IT JUST LOOKS STUPID.
Scootaloo: Uh… right, sure.
"EW! YOU SICK BUCKING PEDOGRAPHERS! I"M ONLY SIXTEEN!" I screamed hiding behind my muscles.
Screwball: He doesn’t have a lot to hide behind, then! The Stu’s really let himself go.
Gl1m0: …Sixteen. He went through all of that sports crap, he’s a frickin’ inspector, had sexual intercourse, was about to get friggin’ MARRIED, AND HE WAS SIXTEEN-FUCKING-YEARS OLD?!
Screwball: …Yep!
Gl1m0: …………
AJ: Er, let’s jus’ move on, sugarcube… We’re almost done, right?
Gl1m0: …I suppose. But if I ever see this author… I WILL EAT HIS UNBORN PARENTS.
Scootaloo: …Okay then.
"How dare you pedospy on my son!"
AJ: They do dare, apparently….
Screwball: Who dare? WE dare, mare! …Dare.
Gl1m0: …Reminds me of that one brand of cookies. God, I miss those…
Tripleharsh pointed her triplehorn at Luna and Cadunce and smashed them with Harshwhinnia.
Screwball: Talk about “mooning” your foes, heehee!
Gl1m0: …Bad joke is bad.
Screwball: Pfft, better than most of yours, at least.
I took my AK-47 and emptied 40 clips into them and they both started screaming and the camera exploded twice.
Screwball: For you see, there is NO kill like “overkill”!
Scootaloo: Can they do that? Can a camera explode twice?
Gl1m0: You’re wondering about THAT? I was just about to harp on the fact that Mr. Stu here somehow burned through FORTY CLIPS in the span of a few seconds.
AJ: …Would it be too much t’ say, “Because Stu”?
Gl1m0: It would be horribly overused, that much is certain. Fuck, we’re burning out all of our Marty Stu jokes here…!
Suddenly, Celestia ran in. "meddle u need 2 know that -
Gl1m0: “-I am your father!”
Scootaloo: “-your mail order of horn ointment just came in!”
Screwball: “-I’m pregnant! And YOU’RE the father!”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SISTER" she shoulted looking at Cadunce and Luna and rarisected them with her princesscorn powers
Scootaloo: “Rarisected”? Um, what? Doesn’t he mean “resurrected” or something?
Gl1m0: Yet another stupid word… (scribbles in dictionary) …Now, to spend thirty minutes coming up with a decent definition…
and suddenly…
AJ: The author’s keyboard broke, and he couldn’t write anymore! …Please?
Gl1m0: …Nope, sorry. I still see more words down there.
AJ: Dangit…
Raricorn galloped up to the castle and said everyone we need to talk.
Screwball: [Raricorn] “Everyone… we need to talk.”
Gl1m0: [Everyone else] “…Mmkay.”
"What do you know, Raricorn? You just call yourself that, you're not even an alicorn!"
Gl1m0: Well, she knows that the answer to the ultimate question is forty-two. What do YOU know?
"I MAY BE JUST A UNICORN…" Raricorn paused for suspense.
Screwball: [Raricorn] “I AM PAUSING, BECAUSE I’M THE ONE THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ALL DRAMATIC AND STUFF! IT FITS MY CHARACTER, SO SHUT UP!”
Gl1m0: I think I might know a couple of people who would disagree with that, but, I’ll just let it go for now…
"BUT I HAVE A RECORD FOR SPORTS MEDDLES!" Everyone gasped.
Scootaloo: And that’s shocking… how?
AJ: It ain’t, sugarcube. They’re just pretending to be impressed, ‘cuz they feel bad for her.
"This cannot be." Cadunce gasped as blood dripped from her hooves where Celestia had rarisected her. "We need ponies to believe us and not Raricorn to blakemel Meddle off the Coommitee."
Gl1m0: “Blakemel” him off the “coommitee”…? Apparently, these are words now, so… (writes in dictionary) …I’ve lost count. How many words has this story alone added to the dictionary?
AJ: Shoot, Ah dunno…
Scootaloo: Like… a bunch?
Gl1m0: …Sure, let’s go with that.
"WELL THEY BUCKING WON'T!" I yelled smadly.
Lupa held up the recorder trumpetly.
Screwball: Now now, Lupa! Now is not the time to show us all how much you suck at the recorder!
Gl1m0: Heh, she’s probably worse than even me at that thing—hold on a second, who the hell is Lupa?!
Screwball: The chick who can’t play the recorder worth her life! I meant, she’s holding it like a trumpet, man! Can’t ya read?
Gl1m0: …Yes, yes I can.
"aW CONTRAIR! tHE CAMERA MAY BE RUINED BUT THY TAPE IS STILL THERE!"
AJ: [Meddle] “Okay, but did you even remember to push the “record” button?”
Gl1m0: [Luna] “What does thou take me for? Of course I—ah, curses! Foiled by the lens cap again!”
I felt faint, like I had trained lots but not eaten breakfast or lunch all day.
Scootaloo: Maybe because you HAVE trained a lot, and didn’t eat anything?
Screwball: He’s forgetting to do stuff?! And is weak from hunger?! The Stu Logic is falling apart! Abandon fic, abandon fic! (jumps off the couch)
Gl1m0: As far as the plot is concerned, it’s “Too little, too late”, I’m afraid.
"rARICORN WHY ARE YOU AGAINST THIS" thou asked dirtily.
Gl1m0: Someone ought to get those words cleaned, I think.
Screwball: A thousand years on the moon does let her words collect dust and all…
And then she said the special words that I had heard before but not from her. I did not know whether to feel shocked or happy or to faint from hunger.
Scootaloo: “You’re fired”?
Lucy: Bark?
Screwball: “There’s a spider on your face”?
Gl1m0: (whispering) Die from hunger, die from hunger, die from hunger…
"BECAUSE… BECAUSE…"
Screwball: “HAVE TO… SPACE MY… SENTENCES…”
Raricorn said and she paused in midair dramitacally, reflecting her meddles off the light.
Gl1m0: …Why are SO MANY THINGS about this fic backwards?! How the fuck do you reflect medals off of the light?
Screwball: BECAUSE SCIENCE!
Then she swooped down to me on her knees, singing the best song by Queenicorn.
AJ: Queeni-who?
Gl1m0: Aw hell, they went and ruined a singer that I actually kind of liked, too…!
Screwball: Ooooh, if only I had my CD of Equestrian Rhapsody, then this would have been PERFECT!
Gl1m0: …How did you get a CD of that, exactly?
Screwball: Internet, silly! …And the CD part is a secret.
"Because sports?" Cadunce asked in a little afraid voice because she was a nerd.
Screwball: Ooh, good guess!
Scootaloo: I would… actually laugh if that turned out to be true.
Raricorn pointed sneerily at Cadunce. "You got blood on your face! You big disgrace! Somebody better put you back into your place."
AJ: Oh hey there NOT-Zecora.
Screwball: Seriously?! That didn’t even flow! Where’s the rhythm?! Where’s the pi-zazz?!
Gl1m0: It took a right turn at Albuquerque, and was never heard from again.
Then she turned back to me and sang
Gl1m0: “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you d--” (is punched by AJ) —OWWW!!
AJ: Sugarcube, don’t you EVER start singing that again.
Gl1m0: UGH, WHAT THE HELL?! YOU ALMOST BROKE MY JAW!
AJ: Ah fail t’ see how that’s supposed to be a bad thing.
"I do, I do, LOVE YOU!"
Screwball: [Meddle] “…What, no chocolates?”
Gl1m0: That’s no way to treat your beloved Stu, Rares. (pauses) …Wait, what am I saying?! Now that Twilight is out of the picture, RARITY is hopping on the Marty Stu Romance Express?! And she had to do it by butchering the chorus of “We Will Rock You”?!
AJ: Well ain’t that a… Nngh. If Rarity ever saw this, she’d have a fit.
Gl1m0: I’d honestly be more concerned about Twilight, considering she was involved in two TERRIBLE sex scenes and was KILLED OFF no less…
(AN: OMBA thsi was loooooooooong catpher!
Gl1m0: It… really wasn’t, but it sure seemed that way for us…
Lucy: (whines)
Scootaloo: When is this gonna be over, again…?
AJ: One more chapter, sugarcube…
I ca'nt fic 2morro bcuz faild trip BTU I ½ a SERPRIZE………)
Screwball: …‘K.
Gl1m0: Uh… If I read this correctly, which I’m sort of certain that I did, then the author just said he was going on a field trip… and has a surprise waiting next chapter.
AJ: Uh-oh, that ain’t soundin’ too good…
Scootaloo: Wh-what’s the surprise?
Lucy: Arf…
Gl1m0: “Let’s find out, then.” Indeed…
Author's Note: Hi, everyone! My name is Mandy Blissett.
Gl1m0: Wait, WHO?
Lucy: Bark!
AJ: Someone else is writin’ now?
Screwball: Guest chapter ahoy! Taking bets! Will it suck, or will it suck worse?
Gl1m0: It’s a bit early to make that call, but…
I've done a few stories here and there, but this is the first time I've written any fanfiction!
Screwball: Stories such as “Timmy’s Day Out”, “Fun-Fun’s Fun Day”, “Joe’s Day at the Zoo”, and many more! Beloved by two-year-olds and paraplegics alike!
Gl1m0: So, new to the fanfic scene, but has a few writing projects under her belt… Could be worse, I guess.
AJ: Worse than the guy who was writin’ before?
Gl1m0: Than HIM? Hell no. A chimpanzee without hands, eyes, or a functional frontal lobe could write a more coherent story than HIM.
To tell the truth, I'm pretty excited! Luther says this is a super popular story and I'll be writing to a huge audience,
all: … (burst out laughing)
Gl1m0: Hah, sister? Kindly allow us to ruin your day.
Screwball: That guy’s name is LUTHER?! (falls onto the floor, laughing)
but he was still nice enough to let me step in as guest author while he's away on a school field trip this week! (All I have to do in return is clean his room for him before he gets back!)
AJ: (deadpan) Well, ain’t that a heck of a deal.
Screwball: I know, right?! He’s so considerate!
I can't find where he saved lthe other chapters,
Screwball: “All this porn is clogging up the hard drive on his compy like crazy!”
Gl1m0: “Goodness, I didn’t even know that a kind of hentai like that existed…”
AJ: “…That girl is puttin’ soda where?!”
but he left me instructions on this chapter's plot, and I'm extrapolating everything I can from them!
Gl1m0: Chapter instructions, eh…? There’s a link, too… Well, let’s have a look-see, shall we? (clicks a button on the remote, displaying an image)
Gl1m0: Wait, WHO?
Lucy: Bark!
AJ: Someone else is writin’ now?
Screwball: Guest chapter ahoy! Taking bets! Will it suck, or will it suck worse?
Gl1m0: It’s a bit early to make that call, but…
I've done a few stories here and there, but this is the first time I've written any fanfiction!
Screwball: Stories such as “Timmy’s Day Out”, “Fun-Fun’s Fun Day”, “Joe’s Day at the Zoo”, and many more! Beloved by two-year-olds and paraplegics alike!
Gl1m0: So, new to the fanfic scene, but has a few writing projects under her belt… Could be worse, I guess.
AJ: Worse than the guy who was writin’ before?
Gl1m0: Than HIM? Hell no. A chimpanzee without hands, eyes, or a functional frontal lobe could write a more coherent story than HIM.
To tell the truth, I'm pretty excited! Luther says this is a super popular story and I'll be writing to a huge audience,
all: … (burst out laughing)
Gl1m0: Hah, sister? Kindly allow us to ruin your day.
Screwball: That guy’s name is LUTHER?! (falls onto the floor, laughing)
but he was still nice enough to let me step in as guest author while he's away on a school field trip this week! (All I have to do in return is clean his room for him before he gets back!)
AJ: (deadpan) Well, ain’t that a heck of a deal.
Screwball: I know, right?! He’s so considerate!
I can't find where he saved lthe other chapters,
Screwball: “All this porn is clogging up the hard drive on his compy like crazy!”
Gl1m0: “Goodness, I didn’t even know that a kind of hentai like that existed…”
AJ: “…That girl is puttin’ soda where?!”
but he left me instructions on this chapter's plot, and I'm extrapolating everything I can from them!
Gl1m0: Chapter instructions, eh…? There’s a link, too… Well, let’s have a look-see, shall we? (clicks a button on the remote, displaying an image)
Gl1m0: …I’m sorry, but did anyone catch any of that? I can barely read it.
AJ: Same here, sugarcube…!
Screwball: Well, no wonder it’s so sucky! …He bought that clipboard at Staples! 0
He also said something about ponies.
Scootaloo: Well, yeah… At least, it’s supposed to be, but…
Gl1m0: Jury’s still out on that, I’m afraid.
He's such a joker! Haha! If you knew Luther you'd know how silly that idea is.
Gl1m0: We don’t even know him, and yet we still know how silly that is. The only relation this story has to ponies is pretty much “in name only”, really. I can’t help but feel like it’s… pointless, somehow…
Screwball: Heh, what isn’t in fanfiction?
Well, you're reading his sports adventure story, so you probably do!
all: This story was about sports? (Bark, bark?)
Scootaloo: What a surprise!
AJ: Like, we had no idea! Really!
Anyway, thank you all for being awesome people and giving me a chance.
Gl1m0: Well, “Luther” used up all three strikes and then some on this story. You have a LOT to make up for, sister.
I'll try my best! I hope you enjoy this!
Scootaloo: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
AJ: Oh, that’s normal, sugarcube. You’ll get used to it.
Gl1m0: Please let this not suck, please let this not suck…
Chapter 12, Part 1: In Which Ultramarathon Talks Meddle Out Of A Serious Mistake
Screwball: Alternate title, “Meddle Almost Buys Volcano Insurance.”
Gl1m0: …Part ONE?! STORY CHAPTER COUNT, YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
AJ: Ah, jeez…
"Noooooooooo!"
Gl1m0: …Didn’t the last chapter begin like this, too?
Screwball: Yeah! Except, ya know, with a lot more “o”s!
I wailed, beating my hands on my chest, falling to my knees and sobbing.
Scootaloo: Apparently he still hasn’t gotten over it…
AJ: Wait, didn’t th’ last chapter end with Raricorn ‘r whatever he called her sayin’ she loved him…?
Gl1m0: Quite obviously, the “no” was his response to all that. Miiiiiight be an overreaction, but appropriate for this story…
My heart was so crushed with despair at Twilicorn's cruel murder by blade
Gl1m0: …Or yeah, maybe he’s still hung up on Twily’s murd—wait, WHAT?! Murder? By blade? When the fuck did that happen?!
Screwball: Gotta love those retcons, amirite?!
Gl1m0: I mean, I know that she’s just a guest writer, but you’d think that she’d at least know what was going on in it! I mean, it’s not that hard to just READ the freakin’ thing! As unreadable as it is, however…
that the cold specter of depression was whispering in my ears. Meddle, it whispered. There's no point to living any longer. The sun has been extinguished, and the stars themselves weep in the heavens.
AJ: Well, ya can obviously tell it’s not that guy who’s writin’ anymore.
Gl1m0: …That may be, but now the writing seems to have gained two-hundred shades of purple in the process. Still not sure if this is good thing…
(Okay, hang on. "Twilicorn"? What the heck kind of name is that?
Gl1m0: Well, it’s what the fans have been calling “Alicorn Twilight” so far. I thought every brony knew about that already!
Screwball: And this chick is a brony? The one who said ponies are “silly”, eh? …Yep, sounds like a brony alright!
Gl1m0: … (facepalms) …Of course! She is TOTALLY a brony! WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE GUEST WRITING A PONY FANFIC ON A PONY FANFICTION SITE?!
Was he being serious about the pony thing?
AJ: Ya know what? Ah ain’t even that sure anymore…
Screwball: Silly Mandy! Ponies are SERIOUS BUSINESS!
And I think he meant "Medal."
Gl1m0: Eh, could be. But I like “Meddle” better. After all, it suits him.
Screwball: “AND WE WOULD HAVE HAD A GOOD FIC TOO, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT MEDDLIN’ MEDDLE!”
There's a big sports theme throughout the rest of these notes, and his best friend is "Ultramarathon."
Scootaloo: …Still a dumb name.
Gl1m0: Also: SHE. IS NOT. PINKIE PIE! …That is all.
Let's face it, Luther's spelling isn't that great.)
Gl1m0: Sister, you are preaching to the choir here. I think Twilight would actually go mad because of this story, trying to correct all of those spelling errors…
AJ: Well, at least those are pretty well done with fer now…
Gl1m0: Guess I won’t need this for the time being, then. (throws away dictionary)
Without the lips of my beloved Twilicorn, I yearned only for the sweet kiss of death.
Screwball: Emo Stu is still emo.
Gl1m0: Still best Stu, because fun to watch and laugh.
I took my AK-47 and put it to my head, sobbing tears of despair. (This is how I KNOW this isn't a pony story, because ponies and AK-47s? Really?)
Gl1m0: Miss, spend more than a few hours on FiMFiction, and you’d be in for a quite a shock.
AJ: Ah’ve covered wars, rebellions, massacres, an’ more… This fandom ain’t never gonna give that junk up, ah think.
Screwball: Aw, but guns are cool!
Gl1m0: (to AJ) Rest assured, we don’t store weapons of any kind of the CRF. …At least, none that I know of.
"Goodnight, sweet princess, goodnight; may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest," I whispered. "I will be reunited with you soon."
Screwball: QUIT BEING SO MELODRAMATIC AND GET ON WIT’ IT ALREADY!
Gl1m0: On the one hand, it’s much better written… On the other, it somehow all makes less sense than before…
Lucy: Arf?
Gl1m0: I’m… not sure.
I looked at the firearm through tear-blurred vision, gently kissing the inscription on the hand-guard,
Gl1m0: Isn’t that just sad. He’s trying to catch that firearm on the rebound.
AJ: At least if the gun tried to kiss him back, well… we’d be done here.
where Twilicorn had written "To my most beloved Medal, in memory of our first dance in Nightmoor City. May this keep you safe always."
AJ: Ah could cut the level of irony in that last statement with a knife.
Screwball: ‘Cause he’s gonna bite it now, right? MAKE IT HAPPEN, ALREADY!
My finger tightened on the trigger, until …
Screwball: BAM! Happy end!
Gl1m0: I’d question your morality, but… truth be told, I actually would think of that as a happy end by this point.
AJ: Suicide is wrong n’ all, and yet…
"I didn't take you for a quitter, Medal," a familiar voice said from the doorway.
Scootaloo: Well, so much for all that buildup.
Screwball: Bah! The story cheaped-out on us, man!
Gl1m0: (sighs) And so we go on…
I turned, stung, lowering the gun. Ultramarathon was leaning against the doorframe, a sad smile on her face.
Gl1m0: Why, hello there Not-Pinkie. Or should I say… Auto Mortis Interruptus?!
AJ: …Ya’ll can speak Latin?
Gl1m0: Well… I have a latin dictionary. Does that count?
AJ: Never mind…
"Come to gloat?" I spat at my rival. "Twilicorn is dead and there's nothing left for me."
Screwball: STILL EMO STU. STILL BEST STU.
Gl1m0: Well, we went from… whatever Meddle was in the prior chapters, to the emo-y pile of self-hate that he is now. I’d call that fair character development.
Lucy: Bark, bark.
Gl1m0: “Obviously a victim of PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stu Disorder.” A firm diagnosis, Lucy.
She slapped me harshly across the face. Then she lunged in, kissing me fiercely.
AJ: And then suddenly Ultra was Tsundere.
Gl1m0: “I HATE YOU! And I love you! AND I HATE YOU!”
"Ultra?" I asked, confused.
"Don't you dare, you selfish bastard," she whispered.
Screwball: [Ultra] “You still owe me thirty bucks, mister! At least have the decency to pay up before you go munch on a lead breakfast!”
"All my life I've been trying to measure up to you.
Gl1m0: “In more ways than one.” (slapped by AJ)
AJ: No. No, sugarcube.
To be good enough for you. I want to beat you fair and square someday.
All: … (burst out laughing)
Scootaloo: Beat him? Fairly??
Screwball: That mare’s delusional, she is!
Not by default. Not because you gave up."
"But it hurts so bad," I sobbed.
AJ: [Ultra] “Oh, don’t EVEN tell me you had a tummy ache that one time.”
Gl1m0: [Meddle] “B-but my mom always said to wait an hour after eating to do sports!”
"Loving someone you can't have?" She turned away. "Yeah, I think I know how that feels."
Screwball: Awwww, poor Ultra’s been left out of the Love Quasi-hexagon! DEAL WITH IT, SISTER.
"Ultra …" I said helplessly.
Scootaloo: He said it that way because there was no way for anyone to help.
Gl1m0: In fanfiction, no one can hear you suck. They can, however, laugh at your misery.
She looked over her shoulder on her way out the door. "I've been training for months for the Goffic National Foot Race next week.
Gl1m0: …What the fuck does “Goffic” mean? Damn it, where’d I leave my dictionary…
AJ: Ah really don’t want to know…
There's only one man in the world who could keep me from getting the gold. If he beats me … if … maybe I can buy him some coffee and we can reminisce about Twilicorn?"
AJ: [Meddle] “Mmmm… Buy me a pack o’ donuts too, and you got a deal!”
Screwball: With sprinkles! And chocolate fudge coating! AND MOAR SPRINKLES!
I smiled. "Better run the race with $5 in your pocket.
Gl1m0: Aw, isn’t that cute? The Stu made a witty remark for a change.
Screwball: [Meddle] “Duuh, I made a funny! Heehee…”
And Ultramarathon? … Thanks."
She left without another word.
Lucy: Arf.
Gl1m0: “And then there were none.” None that mattered, in any case.
Screwball: Wooo, part one done! NEXT!
Scootaloo: Ugh, how many parts are there, again…?
AJ: Not much more, ah hope.
AJ: Same here, sugarcube…!
Screwball: Well, no wonder it’s so sucky! …He bought that clipboard at Staples! 0
He also said something about ponies.
Scootaloo: Well, yeah… At least, it’s supposed to be, but…
Gl1m0: Jury’s still out on that, I’m afraid.
He's such a joker! Haha! If you knew Luther you'd know how silly that idea is.
Gl1m0: We don’t even know him, and yet we still know how silly that is. The only relation this story has to ponies is pretty much “in name only”, really. I can’t help but feel like it’s… pointless, somehow…
Screwball: Heh, what isn’t in fanfiction?
Well, you're reading his sports adventure story, so you probably do!
all: This story was about sports? (Bark, bark?)
Scootaloo: What a surprise!
AJ: Like, we had no idea! Really!
Anyway, thank you all for being awesome people and giving me a chance.
Gl1m0: Well, “Luther” used up all three strikes and then some on this story. You have a LOT to make up for, sister.
I'll try my best! I hope you enjoy this!
Scootaloo: Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
AJ: Oh, that’s normal, sugarcube. You’ll get used to it.
Gl1m0: Please let this not suck, please let this not suck…
Chapter 12, Part 1: In Which Ultramarathon Talks Meddle Out Of A Serious Mistake
Screwball: Alternate title, “Meddle Almost Buys Volcano Insurance.”
Gl1m0: …Part ONE?! STORY CHAPTER COUNT, YOU HAVE LIED TO ME!
AJ: Ah, jeez…
"Noooooooooo!"
Gl1m0: …Didn’t the last chapter begin like this, too?
Screwball: Yeah! Except, ya know, with a lot more “o”s!
I wailed, beating my hands on my chest, falling to my knees and sobbing.
Scootaloo: Apparently he still hasn’t gotten over it…
AJ: Wait, didn’t th’ last chapter end with Raricorn ‘r whatever he called her sayin’ she loved him…?
Gl1m0: Quite obviously, the “no” was his response to all that. Miiiiiight be an overreaction, but appropriate for this story…
My heart was so crushed with despair at Twilicorn's cruel murder by blade
Gl1m0: …Or yeah, maybe he’s still hung up on Twily’s murd—wait, WHAT?! Murder? By blade? When the fuck did that happen?!
Screwball: Gotta love those retcons, amirite?!
Gl1m0: I mean, I know that she’s just a guest writer, but you’d think that she’d at least know what was going on in it! I mean, it’s not that hard to just READ the freakin’ thing! As unreadable as it is, however…
that the cold specter of depression was whispering in my ears. Meddle, it whispered. There's no point to living any longer. The sun has been extinguished, and the stars themselves weep in the heavens.
AJ: Well, ya can obviously tell it’s not that guy who’s writin’ anymore.
Gl1m0: …That may be, but now the writing seems to have gained two-hundred shades of purple in the process. Still not sure if this is good thing…
(Okay, hang on. "Twilicorn"? What the heck kind of name is that?
Gl1m0: Well, it’s what the fans have been calling “Alicorn Twilight” so far. I thought every brony knew about that already!
Screwball: And this chick is a brony? The one who said ponies are “silly”, eh? …Yep, sounds like a brony alright!
Gl1m0: … (facepalms) …Of course! She is TOTALLY a brony! WHY ELSE WOULD SHE BE GUEST WRITING A PONY FANFIC ON A PONY FANFICTION SITE?!
Was he being serious about the pony thing?
AJ: Ya know what? Ah ain’t even that sure anymore…
Screwball: Silly Mandy! Ponies are SERIOUS BUSINESS!
And I think he meant "Medal."
Gl1m0: Eh, could be. But I like “Meddle” better. After all, it suits him.
Screwball: “AND WE WOULD HAVE HAD A GOOD FIC TOO, IF IT WEREN’T FOR THAT MEDDLIN’ MEDDLE!”
There's a big sports theme throughout the rest of these notes, and his best friend is "Ultramarathon."
Scootaloo: …Still a dumb name.
Gl1m0: Also: SHE. IS NOT. PINKIE PIE! …That is all.
Let's face it, Luther's spelling isn't that great.)
Gl1m0: Sister, you are preaching to the choir here. I think Twilight would actually go mad because of this story, trying to correct all of those spelling errors…
AJ: Well, at least those are pretty well done with fer now…
Gl1m0: Guess I won’t need this for the time being, then. (throws away dictionary)
Without the lips of my beloved Twilicorn, I yearned only for the sweet kiss of death.
Screwball: Emo Stu is still emo.
Gl1m0: Still best Stu, because fun to watch and laugh.
I took my AK-47 and put it to my head, sobbing tears of despair. (This is how I KNOW this isn't a pony story, because ponies and AK-47s? Really?)
Gl1m0: Miss, spend more than a few hours on FiMFiction, and you’d be in for a quite a shock.
AJ: Ah’ve covered wars, rebellions, massacres, an’ more… This fandom ain’t never gonna give that junk up, ah think.
Screwball: Aw, but guns are cool!
Gl1m0: (to AJ) Rest assured, we don’t store weapons of any kind of the CRF. …At least, none that I know of.
"Goodnight, sweet princess, goodnight; may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest," I whispered. "I will be reunited with you soon."
Screwball: QUIT BEING SO MELODRAMATIC AND GET ON WIT’ IT ALREADY!
Gl1m0: On the one hand, it’s much better written… On the other, it somehow all makes less sense than before…
Lucy: Arf?
Gl1m0: I’m… not sure.
I looked at the firearm through tear-blurred vision, gently kissing the inscription on the hand-guard,
Gl1m0: Isn’t that just sad. He’s trying to catch that firearm on the rebound.
AJ: At least if the gun tried to kiss him back, well… we’d be done here.
where Twilicorn had written "To my most beloved Medal, in memory of our first dance in Nightmoor City. May this keep you safe always."
AJ: Ah could cut the level of irony in that last statement with a knife.
Screwball: ‘Cause he’s gonna bite it now, right? MAKE IT HAPPEN, ALREADY!
My finger tightened on the trigger, until …
Screwball: BAM! Happy end!
Gl1m0: I’d question your morality, but… truth be told, I actually would think of that as a happy end by this point.
AJ: Suicide is wrong n’ all, and yet…
"I didn't take you for a quitter, Medal," a familiar voice said from the doorway.
Scootaloo: Well, so much for all that buildup.
Screwball: Bah! The story cheaped-out on us, man!
Gl1m0: (sighs) And so we go on…
I turned, stung, lowering the gun. Ultramarathon was leaning against the doorframe, a sad smile on her face.
Gl1m0: Why, hello there Not-Pinkie. Or should I say… Auto Mortis Interruptus?!
AJ: …Ya’ll can speak Latin?
Gl1m0: Well… I have a latin dictionary. Does that count?
AJ: Never mind…
"Come to gloat?" I spat at my rival. "Twilicorn is dead and there's nothing left for me."
Screwball: STILL EMO STU. STILL BEST STU.
Gl1m0: Well, we went from… whatever Meddle was in the prior chapters, to the emo-y pile of self-hate that he is now. I’d call that fair character development.
Lucy: Bark, bark.
Gl1m0: “Obviously a victim of PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stu Disorder.” A firm diagnosis, Lucy.
She slapped me harshly across the face. Then she lunged in, kissing me fiercely.
AJ: And then suddenly Ultra was Tsundere.
Gl1m0: “I HATE YOU! And I love you! AND I HATE YOU!”
"Ultra?" I asked, confused.
"Don't you dare, you selfish bastard," she whispered.
Screwball: [Ultra] “You still owe me thirty bucks, mister! At least have the decency to pay up before you go munch on a lead breakfast!”
"All my life I've been trying to measure up to you.
Gl1m0: “In more ways than one.” (slapped by AJ)
AJ: No. No, sugarcube.
To be good enough for you. I want to beat you fair and square someday.
All: … (burst out laughing)
Scootaloo: Beat him? Fairly??
Screwball: That mare’s delusional, she is!
Not by default. Not because you gave up."
"But it hurts so bad," I sobbed.
AJ: [Ultra] “Oh, don’t EVEN tell me you had a tummy ache that one time.”
Gl1m0: [Meddle] “B-but my mom always said to wait an hour after eating to do sports!”
"Loving someone you can't have?" She turned away. "Yeah, I think I know how that feels."
Screwball: Awwww, poor Ultra’s been left out of the Love Quasi-hexagon! DEAL WITH IT, SISTER.
"Ultra …" I said helplessly.
Scootaloo: He said it that way because there was no way for anyone to help.
Gl1m0: In fanfiction, no one can hear you suck. They can, however, laugh at your misery.
She looked over her shoulder on her way out the door. "I've been training for months for the Goffic National Foot Race next week.
Gl1m0: …What the fuck does “Goffic” mean? Damn it, where’d I leave my dictionary…
AJ: Ah really don’t want to know…
There's only one man in the world who could keep me from getting the gold. If he beats me … if … maybe I can buy him some coffee and we can reminisce about Twilicorn?"
AJ: [Meddle] “Mmmm… Buy me a pack o’ donuts too, and you got a deal!”
Screwball: With sprinkles! And chocolate fudge coating! AND MOAR SPRINKLES!
I smiled. "Better run the race with $5 in your pocket.
Gl1m0: Aw, isn’t that cute? The Stu made a witty remark for a change.
Screwball: [Meddle] “Duuh, I made a funny! Heehee…”
And Ultramarathon? … Thanks."
She left without another word.
Lucy: Arf.
Gl1m0: “And then there were none.” None that mattered, in any case.
Screwball: Wooo, part one done! NEXT!
Scootaloo: Ugh, how many parts are there, again…?
AJ: Not much more, ah hope.
Author's Note: Okay, I'm sorry … this is a LOT harder than it looks …
Gl1m0: Fair enough point. Writing isn’t exactly like riding a bike, I suppose.
Screwball: Yeah, it’s more like driving a train!
AJ: …Why is that?
Screwball: …I dunno. I just wanted to mention trains.
but I'm figuring it out piece by piece from Luther's instructions on this chapter's plot.
Scootaloo: So… she’s studying THAT thing? No wonder the stuff she wrote is so different from before…
Gl1m0: I’m surprised she has yet to bring in a cryptograph machine to figure it out.
His earlier chapters are NOWHERE on his hard drive … I wish I could read them. Is he publishing them straight to the Internet?
AJ: Signs point ta… most likely.
Gl1m0: …Wait a second. She hasn’t bothered to read them…? But… they’re right THERE! Yes, they are on the internet, and they’re NOT EVEN TWO CLICKS FROM WHERE YOU HAVE TO UPLOAD THESE CHAPTERS ON FIMFICTION TO BEGIN WITH. YOU, MA’AM, HAVE NO EXCUSES.
Screwball: I think Glowy may be slightly upset.
Gl1m0: OH, REALLY?!
This is clearly some modern-day setting with heavy fantasy elements.
Scootaloo: “Heavy” is a bit strong…
Lucy: Bark, bark?
Gl1m0: And the “modern-day” is debatable, seeing as how most of Equestria seems locked in a more medieval-industrial-dark ages-something or other timeframe… Actually, thinking about it, that fact seems oddly schizophrenic in the show. There was a dam, even…
Screwball: Consistency; who gives two bucks about ‘dat?
Royalty and villains with magic … AK47s and helicopters … action and romance … all this in a sports story! Luther's sure nothing if not ambitious!
Gl1m0: What you call “ambitious”, I call “BULLSHIT.”
Screwball: Pffft, half of that stuff was just on the fly. No real imagination, there.
Scootaloo: …Isn’t riffing supposed to “on the fly” too?
Screwball: SHH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE STORY!
No wonder his story's gotten such a wide following.
Screwball: —of haters and loners.
Gl1m0: The biggest hatedom since My Little Unicorn.
I'm feeling really self-conscious! I hope he can fix the things I get wrong later.
AJ: Sugarcube, anything that you “get wrong” at this point would be an IMPROVEMENT for this story. Just sayin’.
Chapter 12, Part 2: In Which A Cruel Sacrifice Is Made
Gl1m0: (whispering) Please kill off Meddle, please kill off Meddle…
Screwball: Y’know Glowy, wishing for stuff is the best way for stuff to NOT happen.
Gl1m0: Shut up, you! Ever hear of “be careful what you wish for”?! There’s still a chance…!
I was shaken from my brooding by the ringing of my cell phone.
AJ: An’ now they have cell phones. Apparently.
Scootaloo: “Modern-day” setting, remember?
Gl1m0: Heaven help me, I WILL come up with a theory to explain why they would even have a concrete dam…
"Hey, Medal," Raricorn said. "Time to go."
"What do you mean?"
Screwball: [Raricorn] “Well, it’s time for you to die of course. Have fun with that mine I stuck in your doorway!”
"The helicopter's here."
Gl1m0: …Hang on, were there even any helicopters before this? I’m pretty sure I distinctly recall them using a balloon at one point…
AJ: Ah’m not even keepin’ track anymore, to be honest.
Scootaloo: Technology sure moved fast since Meddle went all emo-y…
I hurried outside to where the medevac copter had landed on the central field of the Stadium of the Heavens, and jumped inside after her.
Scootaloo: Wait, after who?
Gl1m0: I’ll… just assume it was the cleaning lady.
AJ: “Stadium of the Heavens”…? D’ya think they mean “Cloudsdale Stadium”? Don’t think it was needed to fancy up the name…
Screwball: When in doubt, PROSE!
The mysterious attack that had disrupted the competition and nearly killed the attending royal family had vanished as quickly as it had arrived, leaving only chaos and bodies. It was too late for Twilicorn,
Gl1m0: …so, Twilicorn was apparently killed in some kind of terrorist attack. Even though it was clearly said that she went and offed herself. ‘Kay, there’s a simple “retcon”, and then there’s “just plain rewriting the story”.
but the young princes — stricken by powerful petrography — had not yet fully turned to stone, and prompt attention from the Magic Kingdom's healers could still save them.
Scootaloo: Because “Equestria” was starting to become a boring name.
Gl1m0: …Petrography? When did THAT happen?!
A strong hand clapped down on my shoulder. "HAH HAH! MY BOY!"
Screwball: “THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE STUS STRIVE FOR!”
King Celestio, the boisterous heir of the sun, was looming larger than life, as always. Like his heavenly counterpart, he only had one setting: bright and overpowering.
all: …
Gl1m0: …King Celestio? King… CELESTIO…?! (twitches)
Screwball: Wuh-oh. Incoming MLU flashbacks!
Gl1m0: You… have got… to be… FUCKING… KIDDING…
Lucy: (whines)
AJ: …Uh, is he gonna be okay?
Screwball: Ah, he just needs to blow off some steam. Give him a moment, then he’ll be peachy-keen!
I bowed and he gestured me back up. "THE MAGIC KINGDOM OWES YOU ITS ALL. I SHALL MAKE CERTAIN … WHY, WHAT IS WRONG?"
Gl1m0: What’s WRONG…?! I’LL FUCKING TELL YOU WHAT’S WRONG! There are MANY things that you just do NOT write in fanfiction, author. Rape, foalcon, gore, bizarre fetishes, and torture are just a FEW of those things. You can scar my mind like A Fun Day did, or gross me the fuck out like Sweet Apple Massacre did; hell, you can even go ahead and fuck up Fluttershy like in My Little Slave. BUT. YOU. DO. NOT. REFERENCE. THAT. MY. LITTLE. UNICORN. BULL. SHIT. GET ME?!
I didn't say anything. I didn't need to.
Gl1m0: GOOD!
all: …
Gl1m0: …I’m done now.
AJ: Gee, is that all…
Screwball: See? Peachy-keen!
Corn Luna stirred on his gurney, sitting up with an effort, his skin grey and cracking from the foul curse. "Medal is incomplete," he whispered, as quiet and enigmatic as the moon he ruled.
Gl1m0: …And of COURSE she decided to fuck up Luna’s gender as well. But you know what? I don’t even fucking care anymore.
Screwball: She made him an old man, too! C’mon, at least validate some of those saucy R63 Luna pics, girl!
Lucy: …Bark?
Gl1m0: Yeah, I should probably get rid of that Netscape-2000 browsing console.
Screwball: Aw, you’re no fun…
(Oh. OH! Hang on — now I understand the "corn" thing! Oh Luther … that's brilliant. How mature and romantic of you! I'm so proud.)
Screwball: Who doesn’t understand corn? It makes a really yummy bread! Oh, and popcorn! With caramel coating!
Gl1m0: …Dammit, now I wish that the snack machine here had Cracker Jacks.
Cadunce nodded from the gurney next to the coeur Prince Luna,
AJ: Uh, “coeur”…? Ah don’t speak fancy, but…
Gl1m0: Sounds French… which kind of sucks for me, because I failed French class once or twice and never got a good grasp of it, so I don’t even know what it means…
Scootaloo: But… “coeur” doesn’t sound like “corn” at all. How’d she figure THAT out?
Screwball: Because weird languages!
his hand grasped tightly around his lover's, inseparable even despite the pain of his advancing petrification.
Screwball: [Cadunce] “I love you—OW!—so much and—OW!—maybe later on—OW!—we can head back to my place and—” (gets bopped on the head) OW!
AJ: Mister Fancy-Name here don’t get any passes, and neither do you.
Gl1m0: Thank you!
AJ: Mah pleasure.
"Just as I would be if I lost you, my dearest," Cadunce said. Once my fellow athlete, he had been the first to marry one of the otherworldly denizens of the Magic Kingdom — finding his soulmate in the love sorceror. I recalled their lavish wedding, when Cadunce had been crowned and given the honorary title of the Prince of Love. The immaculate perfection of that day had brought tears to my eyes.
"Is that why this hurts so much?" I asked. "The bond between us that powered Twili-coeur's magic, ripped away?"
"The heart-magic of our kingdom bonds deeply and permanently," Luna whispered, stroking Cadunce's hair and giving him a lingering kiss on the lips, hungrily returned. "When she left, she took some of your soul with her."
"And there is some of her with you yet," Celestio thundered in my ear, in what counted as him for a whisper. "Do you still love her, Medal?"
"Of course. Always. With all my heart."
He smiled enigmatically. "In due time, we shall see."
"What do you mean?" I queried, but he was already striding forward into the helicopter cockpit. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
Cadunce looked as confused as I felt. The others in the medical bay — Luna, and his apprentice Rari-coeur — avoided my eyes.
I shoved my way into the cockpit — already crowded with Celestio and the pilot. "Explain yourself, old man!"
"HO HO! THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THAT, BOY!" he thundered. "FOR NOW, LET US FOCUS ON THE MYSTERY AT HAND. IT WAS MAGIC WHICH LAID LOW THE PRINCES."
I stopped, surprised. It had been! The human terrorist groups that sought to drive the Magic Kingdom back from our world weren't capable of such a thing, and nobody had thought there was similar unrest in the other world. "Do you know who did it?"
Celestio held up a video tape. "WE WILL."
I gasped. "You took the security footage from the stadium cameras!"
He stared at the tape contemplatively. "I SHALL WATCH THIS, OVER AND OVER, GLEANING ALL I CAN FROM IT. I EXPECT ITS REVELATIONS TO BE MOST INTERESTING."
I nodded. "Let me know what I can do. I want them brought to justice — AAAH!"
That last bit was me yelping and hitting a wall as the pilot gave a strangled cry and slammed the controls hard to one side. A bright blur rocketed past the copter, leaving a thin contrail that vanished quickly in the blades' wash. The point of light whizzed past us into the distance and blossomed into a large puff of smoke, with a thump that rattled the cockpit windows.
"What was that!?" I yelled.
"EVASIVE ACTION!" Celestio said. The pilot, sweat trickling down his face, cranked up the engine and started shifting the craft around in erratic circles. Back in the medical bay, I heard three bodies crash and tumble around.
I ran back into the bay, leapt past the tangle of bodies and fallen supplies, and looked out the rear window. An attack helicopter was on our tail.
I gasped in shock. "Blakemel!"
"General Blakemel?" Cadunce said, bracing himself against a wall. "The terrorist leader?" He cursed. "Of all the rotten times."
"We can't even fight back! This is just a civilian copter. And all I've got is my AK-47 … no use at this range." I swore.
"We do have one weapon. Heart magic."
I turned around. Rari-coeur was standing up, a grim smile on her face.
"Don't be daft!" I yelled. "Twili-coeur's dead, Prince Luna's in no shape to cast spells, and as for you … Hah! Do you even have a heart-bond?"
"I did. Once." She strode over to me and took my hands. Her stare penetrated me to the core. I felt small and naked in that intense gaze. "He died, Medal. He died, and my heart ripped in two, just like yours did today. Then I found out … the heart-bond still persists, in the realms beyond death. I heard stories of lovers following the coeur-bond into those realms … tracking the departed ones … finding them, and bringing them back." Her eyes closed, and a tear slid out. "I tried. I wasn't strong enough. I gave up. For years, I've lived as though dead myself … it wasn't until I met you that I felt myself dare to hope I could care again."
"Rarie …" I said helplessly.
Another missile streaked by. The copter rocked, slamming us into the wall. She landed in my arms.
"I know you've never loved me, Medal, and you never could," she whispered, "but please … just kiss me. Let's pretend, just for a moment. Light the fire of my passion long enough for one single spell …" she swallowed, tears freely flowing. "And then forget about me, and promise me you'll find her."
I looked out the window at the approaching copter. I swallowed. "Rarie," I whispered back, "I promise."
Our lips met. I felt like I should be expecting a chill — to match the icy and imperious personality she'd always shown me — but she was warm and soft, smelling of jasmine and honeydew, her lips wet and salty from her tears. I closed my eyes, pouring into her all my love and loss, desperately pretending it was my beloved Twili-coeur, feeling my heart twitch and jump for just an instant.
It was enough.
All my hair stood on end. My eyes shot open. Rari-coeur's body was glowing with a soft pink light. Electricity hummed and crackled around her, sending the medical machinery into spasms of frantic beeping.
She smiled, and caressed my face with a glowing hand, setting my cheek to tingling. Then her light flared, painfully bright, and vanished. Out the back window, I saw a glowing object rocket back toward the attack helicopter, leaving no contrail.
"NO!" I screamed.
Blakemel's helicopter exploded. I sank to my knees numbly, watching fine debris rain down from the new void in the sky, leaving only empty air.
Gl1m0: Fair enough point. Writing isn’t exactly like riding a bike, I suppose.
Screwball: Yeah, it’s more like driving a train!
AJ: …Why is that?
Screwball: …I dunno. I just wanted to mention trains.
but I'm figuring it out piece by piece from Luther's instructions on this chapter's plot.
Scootaloo: So… she’s studying THAT thing? No wonder the stuff she wrote is so different from before…
Gl1m0: I’m surprised she has yet to bring in a cryptograph machine to figure it out.
His earlier chapters are NOWHERE on his hard drive … I wish I could read them. Is he publishing them straight to the Internet?
AJ: Signs point ta… most likely.
Gl1m0: …Wait a second. She hasn’t bothered to read them…? But… they’re right THERE! Yes, they are on the internet, and they’re NOT EVEN TWO CLICKS FROM WHERE YOU HAVE TO UPLOAD THESE CHAPTERS ON FIMFICTION TO BEGIN WITH. YOU, MA’AM, HAVE NO EXCUSES.
Screwball: I think Glowy may be slightly upset.
Gl1m0: OH, REALLY?!
This is clearly some modern-day setting with heavy fantasy elements.
Scootaloo: “Heavy” is a bit strong…
Lucy: Bark, bark?
Gl1m0: And the “modern-day” is debatable, seeing as how most of Equestria seems locked in a more medieval-industrial-dark ages-something or other timeframe… Actually, thinking about it, that fact seems oddly schizophrenic in the show. There was a dam, even…
Screwball: Consistency; who gives two bucks about ‘dat?
Royalty and villains with magic … AK47s and helicopters … action and romance … all this in a sports story! Luther's sure nothing if not ambitious!
Gl1m0: What you call “ambitious”, I call “BULLSHIT.”
Screwball: Pffft, half of that stuff was just on the fly. No real imagination, there.
Scootaloo: …Isn’t riffing supposed to “on the fly” too?
Screwball: SHH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE STORY!
No wonder his story's gotten such a wide following.
Screwball: —of haters and loners.
Gl1m0: The biggest hatedom since My Little Unicorn.
I'm feeling really self-conscious! I hope he can fix the things I get wrong later.
AJ: Sugarcube, anything that you “get wrong” at this point would be an IMPROVEMENT for this story. Just sayin’.
Chapter 12, Part 2: In Which A Cruel Sacrifice Is Made
Gl1m0: (whispering) Please kill off Meddle, please kill off Meddle…
Screwball: Y’know Glowy, wishing for stuff is the best way for stuff to NOT happen.
Gl1m0: Shut up, you! Ever hear of “be careful what you wish for”?! There’s still a chance…!
I was shaken from my brooding by the ringing of my cell phone.
AJ: An’ now they have cell phones. Apparently.
Scootaloo: “Modern-day” setting, remember?
Gl1m0: Heaven help me, I WILL come up with a theory to explain why they would even have a concrete dam…
"Hey, Medal," Raricorn said. "Time to go."
"What do you mean?"
Screwball: [Raricorn] “Well, it’s time for you to die of course. Have fun with that mine I stuck in your doorway!”
"The helicopter's here."
Gl1m0: …Hang on, were there even any helicopters before this? I’m pretty sure I distinctly recall them using a balloon at one point…
AJ: Ah’m not even keepin’ track anymore, to be honest.
Scootaloo: Technology sure moved fast since Meddle went all emo-y…
I hurried outside to where the medevac copter had landed on the central field of the Stadium of the Heavens, and jumped inside after her.
Scootaloo: Wait, after who?
Gl1m0: I’ll… just assume it was the cleaning lady.
AJ: “Stadium of the Heavens”…? D’ya think they mean “Cloudsdale Stadium”? Don’t think it was needed to fancy up the name…
Screwball: When in doubt, PROSE!
The mysterious attack that had disrupted the competition and nearly killed the attending royal family had vanished as quickly as it had arrived, leaving only chaos and bodies. It was too late for Twilicorn,
Gl1m0: …so, Twilicorn was apparently killed in some kind of terrorist attack. Even though it was clearly said that she went and offed herself. ‘Kay, there’s a simple “retcon”, and then there’s “just plain rewriting the story”.
but the young princes — stricken by powerful petrography — had not yet fully turned to stone, and prompt attention from the Magic Kingdom's healers could still save them.
Scootaloo: Because “Equestria” was starting to become a boring name.
Gl1m0: …Petrography? When did THAT happen?!
A strong hand clapped down on my shoulder. "HAH HAH! MY BOY!"
Screwball: “THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE STUS STRIVE FOR!”
King Celestio, the boisterous heir of the sun, was looming larger than life, as always. Like his heavenly counterpart, he only had one setting: bright and overpowering.
all: …
Gl1m0: …King Celestio? King… CELESTIO…?! (twitches)
Screwball: Wuh-oh. Incoming MLU flashbacks!
Gl1m0: You… have got… to be… FUCKING… KIDDING…
Lucy: (whines)
AJ: …Uh, is he gonna be okay?
Screwball: Ah, he just needs to blow off some steam. Give him a moment, then he’ll be peachy-keen!
I bowed and he gestured me back up. "THE MAGIC KINGDOM OWES YOU ITS ALL. I SHALL MAKE CERTAIN … WHY, WHAT IS WRONG?"
Gl1m0: What’s WRONG…?! I’LL FUCKING TELL YOU WHAT’S WRONG! There are MANY things that you just do NOT write in fanfiction, author. Rape, foalcon, gore, bizarre fetishes, and torture are just a FEW of those things. You can scar my mind like A Fun Day did, or gross me the fuck out like Sweet Apple Massacre did; hell, you can even go ahead and fuck up Fluttershy like in My Little Slave. BUT. YOU. DO. NOT. REFERENCE. THAT. MY. LITTLE. UNICORN. BULL. SHIT. GET ME?!
I didn't say anything. I didn't need to.
Gl1m0: GOOD!
all: …
Gl1m0: …I’m done now.
AJ: Gee, is that all…
Screwball: See? Peachy-keen!
Corn Luna stirred on his gurney, sitting up with an effort, his skin grey and cracking from the foul curse. "Medal is incomplete," he whispered, as quiet and enigmatic as the moon he ruled.
Gl1m0: …And of COURSE she decided to fuck up Luna’s gender as well. But you know what? I don’t even fucking care anymore.
Screwball: She made him an old man, too! C’mon, at least validate some of those saucy R63 Luna pics, girl!
Lucy: …Bark?
Gl1m0: Yeah, I should probably get rid of that Netscape-2000 browsing console.
Screwball: Aw, you’re no fun…
(Oh. OH! Hang on — now I understand the "corn" thing! Oh Luther … that's brilliant. How mature and romantic of you! I'm so proud.)
Screwball: Who doesn’t understand corn? It makes a really yummy bread! Oh, and popcorn! With caramel coating!
Gl1m0: …Dammit, now I wish that the snack machine here had Cracker Jacks.
Cadunce nodded from the gurney next to the coeur Prince Luna,
AJ: Uh, “coeur”…? Ah don’t speak fancy, but…
Gl1m0: Sounds French… which kind of sucks for me, because I failed French class once or twice and never got a good grasp of it, so I don’t even know what it means…
Scootaloo: But… “coeur” doesn’t sound like “corn” at all. How’d she figure THAT out?
Screwball: Because weird languages!
his hand grasped tightly around his lover's, inseparable even despite the pain of his advancing petrification.
Screwball: [Cadunce] “I love you—OW!—so much and—OW!—maybe later on—OW!—we can head back to my place and—” (gets bopped on the head) OW!
AJ: Mister Fancy-Name here don’t get any passes, and neither do you.
Gl1m0: Thank you!
AJ: Mah pleasure.
"Just as I would be if I lost you, my dearest," Cadunce said. Once my fellow athlete, he had been the first to marry one of the otherworldly denizens of the Magic Kingdom — finding his soulmate in the love sorceror. I recalled their lavish wedding, when Cadunce had been crowned and given the honorary title of the Prince of Love. The immaculate perfection of that day had brought tears to my eyes.
"Is that why this hurts so much?" I asked. "The bond between us that powered Twili-coeur's magic, ripped away?"
"The heart-magic of our kingdom bonds deeply and permanently," Luna whispered, stroking Cadunce's hair and giving him a lingering kiss on the lips, hungrily returned. "When she left, she took some of your soul with her."
"And there is some of her with you yet," Celestio thundered in my ear, in what counted as him for a whisper. "Do you still love her, Medal?"
"Of course. Always. With all my heart."
He smiled enigmatically. "In due time, we shall see."
"What do you mean?" I queried, but he was already striding forward into the helicopter cockpit. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
Cadunce looked as confused as I felt. The others in the medical bay — Luna, and his apprentice Rari-coeur — avoided my eyes.
I shoved my way into the cockpit — already crowded with Celestio and the pilot. "Explain yourself, old man!"
"HO HO! THERE WILL BE A TIME FOR THAT, BOY!" he thundered. "FOR NOW, LET US FOCUS ON THE MYSTERY AT HAND. IT WAS MAGIC WHICH LAID LOW THE PRINCES."
I stopped, surprised. It had been! The human terrorist groups that sought to drive the Magic Kingdom back from our world weren't capable of such a thing, and nobody had thought there was similar unrest in the other world. "Do you know who did it?"
Celestio held up a video tape. "WE WILL."
I gasped. "You took the security footage from the stadium cameras!"
He stared at the tape contemplatively. "I SHALL WATCH THIS, OVER AND OVER, GLEANING ALL I CAN FROM IT. I EXPECT ITS REVELATIONS TO BE MOST INTERESTING."
I nodded. "Let me know what I can do. I want them brought to justice — AAAH!"
That last bit was me yelping and hitting a wall as the pilot gave a strangled cry and slammed the controls hard to one side. A bright blur rocketed past the copter, leaving a thin contrail that vanished quickly in the blades' wash. The point of light whizzed past us into the distance and blossomed into a large puff of smoke, with a thump that rattled the cockpit windows.
"What was that!?" I yelled.
"EVASIVE ACTION!" Celestio said. The pilot, sweat trickling down his face, cranked up the engine and started shifting the craft around in erratic circles. Back in the medical bay, I heard three bodies crash and tumble around.
I ran back into the bay, leapt past the tangle of bodies and fallen supplies, and looked out the rear window. An attack helicopter was on our tail.
I gasped in shock. "Blakemel!"
"General Blakemel?" Cadunce said, bracing himself against a wall. "The terrorist leader?" He cursed. "Of all the rotten times."
"We can't even fight back! This is just a civilian copter. And all I've got is my AK-47 … no use at this range." I swore.
"We do have one weapon. Heart magic."
I turned around. Rari-coeur was standing up, a grim smile on her face.
"Don't be daft!" I yelled. "Twili-coeur's dead, Prince Luna's in no shape to cast spells, and as for you … Hah! Do you even have a heart-bond?"
"I did. Once." She strode over to me and took my hands. Her stare penetrated me to the core. I felt small and naked in that intense gaze. "He died, Medal. He died, and my heart ripped in two, just like yours did today. Then I found out … the heart-bond still persists, in the realms beyond death. I heard stories of lovers following the coeur-bond into those realms … tracking the departed ones … finding them, and bringing them back." Her eyes closed, and a tear slid out. "I tried. I wasn't strong enough. I gave up. For years, I've lived as though dead myself … it wasn't until I met you that I felt myself dare to hope I could care again."
"Rarie …" I said helplessly.
Another missile streaked by. The copter rocked, slamming us into the wall. She landed in my arms.
"I know you've never loved me, Medal, and you never could," she whispered, "but please … just kiss me. Let's pretend, just for a moment. Light the fire of my passion long enough for one single spell …" she swallowed, tears freely flowing. "And then forget about me, and promise me you'll find her."
I looked out the window at the approaching copter. I swallowed. "Rarie," I whispered back, "I promise."
Our lips met. I felt like I should be expecting a chill — to match the icy and imperious personality she'd always shown me — but she was warm and soft, smelling of jasmine and honeydew, her lips wet and salty from her tears. I closed my eyes, pouring into her all my love and loss, desperately pretending it was my beloved Twili-coeur, feeling my heart twitch and jump for just an instant.
It was enough.
All my hair stood on end. My eyes shot open. Rari-coeur's body was glowing with a soft pink light. Electricity hummed and crackled around her, sending the medical machinery into spasms of frantic beeping.
She smiled, and caressed my face with a glowing hand, setting my cheek to tingling. Then her light flared, painfully bright, and vanished. Out the back window, I saw a glowing object rocket back toward the attack helicopter, leaving no contrail.
"NO!" I screamed.
Blakemel's helicopter exploded. I sank to my knees numbly, watching fine debris rain down from the new void in the sky, leaving only empty air.
Author's Note: Luther's coming home from his field trip tonight! It was rough for a while, but I think I've done pretty well following his instructions on this chapter's plot, even though I never was able to find any of his previous chapters. Please tell me how close I came to interpreting his deep and vivid world! He should be able to pass messages along to me once he posts this.
Now you can get back to his masterful (if badly spelled … haha) writing. I'm sorry you've had to put up with the horrible quality of my guest contributions!
Love and kisses, Mandy
Chapter 12, Part 3: In Which True Love Demands A Regrettable Decision
It had been a month since Rari-coeur's noble sacrifice. The princes had healed. Without Blakemel's leadership, the anti-magic terrorist organization had fallen apart. However, we were no closer to tracking down the mysterious villain behind the magical attack — even though King Celestio had spent long days with the video tape, and shared it with every analyst in the Magic Kingdom. I had watched it myself several times.
What really weighed on my mind was Twili-coeur.
I kept replaying the murder in my mind. The thin blade of the shim penetrating her chest as the gloved hand thrust forward. Her vital fluids spreading in a crimson pool. Her grip weakening, her eyes closing, as I cried out in fear and pain. She was gone, gone, and it haunted my every moment. The empty void where I expected her to be was a constant companion.
Yet no-one would help me track her down.
"Medal," coeur Luna had whispered, the first day I had asked him for help. "None can save her but you. The realms beyond death are grand and terrifying, alike for no two mages, and any who sought to help you would find themselves as lost as Twili-coeur is now."
"Then at least teach me the ways of heart magic, Luna," I pleaded. "I don't know how to follow that link."
"That's a skill only your heart-bond can teach," he whispered sadly.
Refusing to believe him, I tracked down every coeur I could find, travelling the length and breadth of the ethereal expanses of the Magic Kingdom by helicopter (a gift from Celestio). Each one I met said the same. Finally, I discovered the one living coeur who had completed the journey to save his lover. He said that the feat had taxed his mystical skills to their utmost. "What chance do you, with no magic at all, have?" he said. "Forget about it, Medal. Forget about her."
The next day, I was in my room contemplating the business end of my AK-47 — a pursuit which had become sadly all too familiar for me — when Prince Cadunce knocked at my door. I let him in. He closed the door and glanced out the window to make certain we weren't being observed. "Medal," he whispered, "I've heard of something you could do for Twili-coeur. But I'm not sure you should."
"What?!" My world spun. I fell to my knees. "Cadunce! Please! I'll do anything for her!"
"I know," he said grimly, "and that's the problem. Without knowing heart magic, your quest is futile. You'd never be able to locate her even if you could journey to the realms beyond death. But … I overheard Luna talking to his dad. 'Please,' Luna whispered, 'as a friend I have to tell him.' 'NO,' Celestio replied, 'AS HIS FRIENDS WE CANNOT LET HIM.'"
"Why would they hide something from me which could help me get her back?!"
"It's bad stuff," Cadunce said grimly. "There's a young sorceress who used to be a coeur. She is so feared, none dare speak her name. She wields great power, perhaps even greater than Celestio, but at a cost. Her heart magic is corrupted and deadly. Years ago they banished her to the far reaches of the kingdom."
"I have to talk to her," I said. "I have to. Please, Cadunce. Tell me her name."
He shifted uncomfortably, then leaned in and whispered into my ear: "Tripleheart."
* * *
Days later, I was standing at the doorstep of a crude hut deep within a dark and overgrown forest. Twisted, leering masks hung from trees and walls — presumably to frighten off superstitious locals — along with gourds and jars of what looked like alchemical ingredients. A cloying musk permeated the air, sweet and rich and dark.
I knocked. There was no answer. I tried the door — unlocked — and slipped inside, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. The interior of the hut was laid out as a single large room, a boudoir arranged around a central bed. The musk was even stronger, here. I felt lightheaded. Time hiccuped, lurched. I felt lightheaded. The musk was even stronger, here. I tried the door — locked — and looked around, fear rising.
"Tripleheart?" I called. "Hello?"
"Do you know why they call me that?" a voice slid through my mind. I couldn't tell if I was hearing it or not.
I spun around. When I did, the hut spun with me, and kept spinning. I staggered back toward the bed, disoriented. Shadows and shapes leapt at me, whirling and dancing, laughing soundlessly. Colors bled into my vision, brushing past my lips, caressing my arms.
I tripped and fell — expecting to hit the ground roughly, but instead landing on something soft, dark, and yielding. My vision focused long enough to identify the pillows and blankets of the bed.
"In my twenty-one years I have taken three heart-bonds," the voice said, around me, within me. "I have savored them, like fine wine. Then I have devoured them."
Adrenaline flooded through my veins. This was a bad idea. I crawled blindly toward the blobs of floating color that might have been the door.
A hand on my shoulder stopped me. Spun me around --
Beauty
Flawless, peerless, incomparable, incomprehensible
Beauty
She was the consummate ideal of a woman, every line, every curve, every motion, radiating perfection. I felt my body reacting involuntarily, heat rising within me. Some inner part of me was screaming: This is wrong. Don't think of her like that. She isn't Twili-coeur.
"Medal," she whispered, the voice liquid silk, "will you be my fourth?"
YES, my body screamed.
"No!" I shouted. Twili-coeur. I'm here for Twilie.
"I know you are," she said, caressing my face with the back of a hand. I struggled for breath, as if desire had wrapped thick claws around my throat and was strangling the life out of me. "What I would take from you must be freely given. Here is my offer. I shall journey with you to the realms beyond death, and show you where to find Twili-coeur. If you can rescue her … if … then I shall bring you both back. This, I vow upon my heart, upon my magic, upon all that I am. In exchange, all that I ask is your heart-bond. You will love me as deeply as ever you loved her. If you fail in the realms beyond death … come back to me. We shall have each other … for the remainder of your life."
My blood turned to ice at those words, but then she moved against me, and I couldn't help but think that that fate couldn't be so bad.
"I just want Twili-coeur," I said. It was a lie. I wanted Tripleheart. I had to have her. Part of me wanted to vomit at that, and part of me was screaming to take her.
She leaned down past my face — when had she gotten atop me? When had she removed her clothes? — and bit my ear, lightly. The touch sent a shiver coursing like an electrical shock through my body. "Listen to both of those voices, Medal," she whispered. "I can give them both what they want. You will not find Twili-coeur without me … and is it truly so unpleasant that I want you?"
"No," I said honestly, feeling soiled.
She smiled predatorially. The darkness around us felt a shade icier. "Will you consummate our deal, Medal," she said, "or will you depart?" She gestured to the open door, far to one side, so far away. A genuine chance at escape. My final chance.
I took a deep breath, reached for her skin, and leapt off the precipice.
I plunged into her, like a swimmer into an alpine lake, diving smoothly into the clean and still waters, sinking into the depths as the light faded from the rapidly receding surface; feeling the water compress around me, tighten my lungs. Struggling for breath, thrashing helplessly, flailing and grasping and clinging, I started to drown, my whole body wet, wet and warm, with sweat and with … her, sinking into impossible depths, the pressure around me growing, gravity pulling me farther and farther in, hundreds of feet, thousands, past the liminal zone and into the deep darkness where the water above dispels the sunlight, with not so much as the glowing nose-bulb of a predator fish to keep me company, into infinite and perfect darkness; nothing in the universe but me and Tripleheart; until I sank deeper than any man should ever go, and with one final gasp, my body imploded, and I felt all that was me leave my form and jet into the darkness --
I swam back to consciousness with my true love Tripleheart sleeping atop me, in a grey and drab hotel room, the noises of the city in my ears — strange noises, hollow and echoing, like the ghosts of men departed.
I sat up, being careful not to dislodge her, and looked around. It was the hotel room I'd stayed in when our team first visited Nightmoor City for the games, a lifetime ago, a world away. The hotel room in which I'd first met … what was her name?
It took me long seconds to remember. It didn't seem important, but I picked at it anyway, like gristle stuck between teeth.
Twili-coeur?
I'd loved her, once. I remembered loving her, long ago and far away. Loving her enough to … to … what had I been thinking? The evil sorceress in my arms, who wanted to suck the love out of me and drain me dry, was all I ever needed, all I ever could need. She had given me so much — conquered death itself for me — and for what? A silly errand for some woman I couldn't feel a thing for.
Tripleheart stared up at me, grinning slyly. She nuzzled into my chest, and my heart leapt. Then she sat up, pulling away, and I ached only for her touch again.
"We're in the realms beyond death, Medal. There's someone out there who you wanted to see," she said.
"I don't care," I said, lost in Tripleheart's eyes.
She laughed, sweet and throaty. "I know. But a promise is a promise. Go say goodbye to her, Medal. I'll be waiting."
I sat up, my heart sinking at the thought that I had to leave my true love even for a moment, determined to finish the errand and return as quickly as possible. "Fine. Where is she?"
She strode to the window and threw open the curtains. The dark city beyond was illuminated only by lampposts and store windows, flickering like a thousand thousand distant fireflies. Far away, out on the waterfront, was a radiant building. Even from this distance, it seemed to thrum — pulsing out the heartbeat feeding life through the black streets.
"The discotheque," we said simultaneously.
Tripleheart grinned, and gave me an exaggerated bow. "Welcome to Nightmare City, Medal. Enjoy your stay."
Now you can get back to his masterful (if badly spelled … haha) writing. I'm sorry you've had to put up with the horrible quality of my guest contributions!
Love and kisses, Mandy
Chapter 12, Part 3: In Which True Love Demands A Regrettable Decision
It had been a month since Rari-coeur's noble sacrifice. The princes had healed. Without Blakemel's leadership, the anti-magic terrorist organization had fallen apart. However, we were no closer to tracking down the mysterious villain behind the magical attack — even though King Celestio had spent long days with the video tape, and shared it with every analyst in the Magic Kingdom. I had watched it myself several times.
What really weighed on my mind was Twili-coeur.
I kept replaying the murder in my mind. The thin blade of the shim penetrating her chest as the gloved hand thrust forward. Her vital fluids spreading in a crimson pool. Her grip weakening, her eyes closing, as I cried out in fear and pain. She was gone, gone, and it haunted my every moment. The empty void where I expected her to be was a constant companion.
Yet no-one would help me track her down.
"Medal," coeur Luna had whispered, the first day I had asked him for help. "None can save her but you. The realms beyond death are grand and terrifying, alike for no two mages, and any who sought to help you would find themselves as lost as Twili-coeur is now."
"Then at least teach me the ways of heart magic, Luna," I pleaded. "I don't know how to follow that link."
"That's a skill only your heart-bond can teach," he whispered sadly.
Refusing to believe him, I tracked down every coeur I could find, travelling the length and breadth of the ethereal expanses of the Magic Kingdom by helicopter (a gift from Celestio). Each one I met said the same. Finally, I discovered the one living coeur who had completed the journey to save his lover. He said that the feat had taxed his mystical skills to their utmost. "What chance do you, with no magic at all, have?" he said. "Forget about it, Medal. Forget about her."
The next day, I was in my room contemplating the business end of my AK-47 — a pursuit which had become sadly all too familiar for me — when Prince Cadunce knocked at my door. I let him in. He closed the door and glanced out the window to make certain we weren't being observed. "Medal," he whispered, "I've heard of something you could do for Twili-coeur. But I'm not sure you should."
"What?!" My world spun. I fell to my knees. "Cadunce! Please! I'll do anything for her!"
"I know," he said grimly, "and that's the problem. Without knowing heart magic, your quest is futile. You'd never be able to locate her even if you could journey to the realms beyond death. But … I overheard Luna talking to his dad. 'Please,' Luna whispered, 'as a friend I have to tell him.' 'NO,' Celestio replied, 'AS HIS FRIENDS WE CANNOT LET HIM.'"
"Why would they hide something from me which could help me get her back?!"
"It's bad stuff," Cadunce said grimly. "There's a young sorceress who used to be a coeur. She is so feared, none dare speak her name. She wields great power, perhaps even greater than Celestio, but at a cost. Her heart magic is corrupted and deadly. Years ago they banished her to the far reaches of the kingdom."
"I have to talk to her," I said. "I have to. Please, Cadunce. Tell me her name."
He shifted uncomfortably, then leaned in and whispered into my ear: "Tripleheart."
* * *
Days later, I was standing at the doorstep of a crude hut deep within a dark and overgrown forest. Twisted, leering masks hung from trees and walls — presumably to frighten off superstitious locals — along with gourds and jars of what looked like alchemical ingredients. A cloying musk permeated the air, sweet and rich and dark.
I knocked. There was no answer. I tried the door — unlocked — and slipped inside, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. The interior of the hut was laid out as a single large room, a boudoir arranged around a central bed. The musk was even stronger, here. I felt lightheaded. Time hiccuped, lurched. I felt lightheaded. The musk was even stronger, here. I tried the door — locked — and looked around, fear rising.
"Tripleheart?" I called. "Hello?"
"Do you know why they call me that?" a voice slid through my mind. I couldn't tell if I was hearing it or not.
I spun around. When I did, the hut spun with me, and kept spinning. I staggered back toward the bed, disoriented. Shadows and shapes leapt at me, whirling and dancing, laughing soundlessly. Colors bled into my vision, brushing past my lips, caressing my arms.
I tripped and fell — expecting to hit the ground roughly, but instead landing on something soft, dark, and yielding. My vision focused long enough to identify the pillows and blankets of the bed.
"In my twenty-one years I have taken three heart-bonds," the voice said, around me, within me. "I have savored them, like fine wine. Then I have devoured them."
Adrenaline flooded through my veins. This was a bad idea. I crawled blindly toward the blobs of floating color that might have been the door.
A hand on my shoulder stopped me. Spun me around --
Beauty
Flawless, peerless, incomparable, incomprehensible
Beauty
She was the consummate ideal of a woman, every line, every curve, every motion, radiating perfection. I felt my body reacting involuntarily, heat rising within me. Some inner part of me was screaming: This is wrong. Don't think of her like that. She isn't Twili-coeur.
"Medal," she whispered, the voice liquid silk, "will you be my fourth?"
YES, my body screamed.
"No!" I shouted. Twili-coeur. I'm here for Twilie.
"I know you are," she said, caressing my face with the back of a hand. I struggled for breath, as if desire had wrapped thick claws around my throat and was strangling the life out of me. "What I would take from you must be freely given. Here is my offer. I shall journey with you to the realms beyond death, and show you where to find Twili-coeur. If you can rescue her … if … then I shall bring you both back. This, I vow upon my heart, upon my magic, upon all that I am. In exchange, all that I ask is your heart-bond. You will love me as deeply as ever you loved her. If you fail in the realms beyond death … come back to me. We shall have each other … for the remainder of your life."
My blood turned to ice at those words, but then she moved against me, and I couldn't help but think that that fate couldn't be so bad.
"I just want Twili-coeur," I said. It was a lie. I wanted Tripleheart. I had to have her. Part of me wanted to vomit at that, and part of me was screaming to take her.
She leaned down past my face — when had she gotten atop me? When had she removed her clothes? — and bit my ear, lightly. The touch sent a shiver coursing like an electrical shock through my body. "Listen to both of those voices, Medal," she whispered. "I can give them both what they want. You will not find Twili-coeur without me … and is it truly so unpleasant that I want you?"
"No," I said honestly, feeling soiled.
She smiled predatorially. The darkness around us felt a shade icier. "Will you consummate our deal, Medal," she said, "or will you depart?" She gestured to the open door, far to one side, so far away. A genuine chance at escape. My final chance.
I took a deep breath, reached for her skin, and leapt off the precipice.
I plunged into her, like a swimmer into an alpine lake, diving smoothly into the clean and still waters, sinking into the depths as the light faded from the rapidly receding surface; feeling the water compress around me, tighten my lungs. Struggling for breath, thrashing helplessly, flailing and grasping and clinging, I started to drown, my whole body wet, wet and warm, with sweat and with … her, sinking into impossible depths, the pressure around me growing, gravity pulling me farther and farther in, hundreds of feet, thousands, past the liminal zone and into the deep darkness where the water above dispels the sunlight, with not so much as the glowing nose-bulb of a predator fish to keep me company, into infinite and perfect darkness; nothing in the universe but me and Tripleheart; until I sank deeper than any man should ever go, and with one final gasp, my body imploded, and I felt all that was me leave my form and jet into the darkness --
I swam back to consciousness with my true love Tripleheart sleeping atop me, in a grey and drab hotel room, the noises of the city in my ears — strange noises, hollow and echoing, like the ghosts of men departed.
I sat up, being careful not to dislodge her, and looked around. It was the hotel room I'd stayed in when our team first visited Nightmoor City for the games, a lifetime ago, a world away. The hotel room in which I'd first met … what was her name?
It took me long seconds to remember. It didn't seem important, but I picked at it anyway, like gristle stuck between teeth.
Twili-coeur?
I'd loved her, once. I remembered loving her, long ago and far away. Loving her enough to … to … what had I been thinking? The evil sorceress in my arms, who wanted to suck the love out of me and drain me dry, was all I ever needed, all I ever could need. She had given me so much — conquered death itself for me — and for what? A silly errand for some woman I couldn't feel a thing for.
Tripleheart stared up at me, grinning slyly. She nuzzled into my chest, and my heart leapt. Then she sat up, pulling away, and I ached only for her touch again.
"We're in the realms beyond death, Medal. There's someone out there who you wanted to see," she said.
"I don't care," I said, lost in Tripleheart's eyes.
She laughed, sweet and throaty. "I know. But a promise is a promise. Go say goodbye to her, Medal. I'll be waiting."
I sat up, my heart sinking at the thought that I had to leave my true love even for a moment, determined to finish the errand and return as quickly as possible. "Fine. Where is she?"
She strode to the window and threw open the curtains. The dark city beyond was illuminated only by lampposts and store windows, flickering like a thousand thousand distant fireflies. Far away, out on the waterfront, was a radiant building. Even from this distance, it seemed to thrum — pulsing out the heartbeat feeding life through the black streets.
"The discotheque," we said simultaneously.
Tripleheart grinned, and gave me an exaggerated bow. "Welcome to Nightmare City, Medal. Enjoy your stay."
AN: Hai guyz im bak!!
I hoep u njoyd my SPESHL SAPRISE for upd8ing fic wile I wuz goen…
I jest gonna reed chaepr 12 && than can gert bak 2 riting OK?
…
Wow thsi is loooong
Mnady usng losts of NERD words sry guys
…
Ummmm……………
Ok fic maek no cents but…… seen w/ith terrist missels is ok…
LOL sHE mispels "coern" alot…
Bla balh blah blarh moar nerd stuf
Um…
WHAT
No
NO!!!!!
WAHT
THE
EFFINGG
BUCK!
sWEAT ALICRON sIHT MANDY!!!! oMBA HOW COD U KILL MEDDLE DEAD && IN NITMOR TOWN!?!?
u R B&&D FROM MY FIC 4EVA!!!! aLSO BA&&ND FORM MY INTRNET!! aRHARGHHARGHH i HAT U HAT U HATU HART U
oMBA oMBA oMBA OMBA oMBA
i FIX TIHS ,GUY S………i PRAMISE
Gl1m0: For our sakes, I hope that he won’t. I’ve had enough of this story well over 13 chapters ago.
Scootaloo: But, there’s only 12 chapters…
Gl1m0: Precisely. I’ve had about fucking enough.
AJ: Ah can second that.
Screwloose: Bark!
Scootaloo: Uh… fourthed?
Screwball: Well, there is one more chapter you know--
Gl1m0: NO, we’ve done more than enough for the story processor today. I can’t handle another word of this monstrosity… Let’s just call it in already. I'm gonna enjoy stuffing this piece of crap into the Archive with the rest of the trash...
Screwball: Oh, alright… Jeez...
[[The monitor flickers off, and raises back up to whence it came. The doors finally unlock and open again as the Breakdown Sequence concludes, and the five occupants hurriedly vacate the room.]]
I hoep u njoyd my SPESHL SAPRISE for upd8ing fic wile I wuz goen…
I jest gonna reed chaepr 12 && than can gert bak 2 riting OK?
…
Wow thsi is loooong
Mnady usng losts of NERD words sry guys
…
Ummmm……………
Ok fic maek no cents but…… seen w/ith terrist missels is ok…
LOL sHE mispels "coern" alot…
Bla balh blah blarh moar nerd stuf
Um…
WHAT
No
NO!!!!!
WAHT
THE
EFFINGG
BUCK!
sWEAT ALICRON sIHT MANDY!!!! oMBA HOW COD U KILL MEDDLE DEAD && IN NITMOR TOWN!?!?
u R B&&D FROM MY FIC 4EVA!!!! aLSO BA&&ND FORM MY INTRNET!! aRHARGHHARGHH i HAT U HAT U HATU HART U
oMBA oMBA oMBA OMBA oMBA
i FIX TIHS ,GUY S………i PRAMISE
Gl1m0: For our sakes, I hope that he won’t. I’ve had enough of this story well over 13 chapters ago.
Scootaloo: But, there’s only 12 chapters…
Gl1m0: Precisely. I’ve had about fucking enough.
AJ: Ah can second that.
Screwloose: Bark!
Scootaloo: Uh… fourthed?
Screwball: Well, there is one more chapter you know--
Gl1m0: NO, we’ve done more than enough for the story processor today. I can’t handle another word of this monstrosity… Let’s just call it in already. I'm gonna enjoy stuffing this piece of crap into the Archive with the rest of the trash...
Screwball: Oh, alright… Jeez...
[[The monitor flickers off, and raises back up to whence it came. The doors finally unlock and open again as the Breakdown Sequence concludes, and the five occupants hurriedly vacate the room.]]
AJ: Ugh, mah brain is still tryin’ to wash out the badness…
Gl1m0: I might need to have three baths, for that matter. Er, I’m… sorry to have inadvertently put you through that, AJ…
AJ: It’s alright; at least it’s over…
Gl1m0: So… any thoughts, crew?
Screwloose: Bark, bark bark! Bark!
Gl1m0: Well put, Lucy.
Scootaloo: It was… weird. Like, really weird. I didn’t even understand half of those last three chapters. It’s really bad, though that’s pretty obvious.
Screwball: It was crazy! Ridiculous! Horribly planned-out! Utterly unreadable! …I FREAKIN’ LOVED IT! BEST STORY EVER, MAN!
All: ………
Gl1m0: …No goddamn way. WHY. HOW. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. I BEG OF YOU.
Screwball: It’s obviously a trollfic, dude! C’mon, it’s pretty much said so right at the beginning! How could you possibly take this seriously to begin with?
Gl1m0: You can’t, and that’s only a tenth of the problem!
Screwball: And have you even seen this guy’s other stories?
Gl1m0: Er, I... haven’t had the time…
Screwball: Eh, a bunch of 'em are really boring to me, but I guess that’s what you would think of as ‘good’. So, it’s pretty clear this was supposed to suck on purpose. Also, March 32nd? I never said it was my favorite day for nothing, ya know!
Gl1m0: There IS no March 32nd! It only goes up to 31, ya dink! If anything, that day would just end up being April firs… (A pause as realization dawns upon him.) …oh… OH… OHHHH…
AJ: Uh… yer lookin’ pretty green there, pard…
Scootaloo: …Is that steam coming out of his ears?
Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You should see him whenever Starfleet Magic updates.
Screwloose: BARK! (whines)
Screwball: Ooh, what’s the matter, girl?
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Screwball: “Twist’s stuck in a well?” Huh?
AJ: She's been doin' nothing but barkin' an yappin', but... ya’ll can actually understand what she’s sayin’?
Screwball: Of course! What, I can’t learn to speak a little barky-bark too?
Screwloose: BARK! Bark, bark! Grrr…
Screwball: …Alright, now she’s going on about cereal, or something. She can never seem to stay on topic, the crazy thing.
AJ: (deadpan) Uh-huh. Sure.
Scootaloo: Are you sure she's talking about that? Because she, uh… she’s pointing at that computer…
AJ: Computer? What about it?
Gl1m0: …WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHO THE FUCK FLUNG A GODDAMN TROLLFIC DOWN INTO THE FUCKING QUEUE!? THE COMPUTER TRASHES ALL THOSE FUCKING FICS BY FUCKING DEFAULT, NOT MAKE US BREAK THEM DOWN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHO THE FUCK--(stops raging for long enough to notice something is amiss) …wait, what’s this about the computer?
[[
Gl1m0: I might need to have three baths, for that matter. Er, I’m… sorry to have inadvertently put you through that, AJ…
AJ: It’s alright; at least it’s over…
Gl1m0: So… any thoughts, crew?
Screwloose: Bark, bark bark! Bark!
Gl1m0: Well put, Lucy.
Scootaloo: It was… weird. Like, really weird. I didn’t even understand half of those last three chapters. It’s really bad, though that’s pretty obvious.
Screwball: It was crazy! Ridiculous! Horribly planned-out! Utterly unreadable! …I FREAKIN’ LOVED IT! BEST STORY EVER, MAN!
All: ………
Gl1m0: …No goddamn way. WHY. HOW. PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME. I BEG OF YOU.
Screwball: It’s obviously a trollfic, dude! C’mon, it’s pretty much said so right at the beginning! How could you possibly take this seriously to begin with?
Gl1m0: You can’t, and that’s only a tenth of the problem!
Screwball: And have you even seen this guy’s other stories?
Gl1m0: Er, I... haven’t had the time…
Screwball: Eh, a bunch of 'em are really boring to me, but I guess that’s what you would think of as ‘good’. So, it’s pretty clear this was supposed to suck on purpose. Also, March 32nd? I never said it was my favorite day for nothing, ya know!
Gl1m0: There IS no March 32nd! It only goes up to 31, ya dink! If anything, that day would just end up being April firs… (A pause as realization dawns upon him.) …oh… OH… OHHHH…
AJ: Uh… yer lookin’ pretty green there, pard…
Scootaloo: …Is that steam coming out of his ears?
Screwball: Oh, this is nothing. You should see him whenever Starfleet Magic updates.
Screwloose: BARK! (whines)
Screwball: Ooh, what’s the matter, girl?
Screwloose: Bark, bark!
Screwball: “Twist’s stuck in a well?” Huh?
AJ: She's been doin' nothing but barkin' an yappin', but... ya’ll can actually understand what she’s sayin’?
Screwball: Of course! What, I can’t learn to speak a little barky-bark too?
Screwloose: BARK! Bark, bark! Grrr…
Screwball: …Alright, now she’s going on about cereal, or something. She can never seem to stay on topic, the crazy thing.
AJ: (deadpan) Uh-huh. Sure.
Scootaloo: Are you sure she's talking about that? Because she, uh… she’s pointing at that computer…
AJ: Computer? What about it?
Gl1m0: …WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! WHO THE FUCK FLUNG A GODDAMN TROLLFIC DOWN INTO THE FUCKING QUEUE!? THE COMPUTER TRASHES ALL THOSE FUCKING FICS BY FUCKING DEFAULT, NOT MAKE US BREAK THEM DOWN, FOR FUCK’S SAKE! WHO THE FUCK--(stops raging for long enough to notice something is amiss) …wait, what’s this about the computer?
[[
