Riffs from the Cutting Room Floor, Episode 07
Making Muffins
Gl1m0: ...Well, this is just great. Stuck in the so-called “realm between continuities.” Isn’t this just dandy. It’s dark, quiet, I can’t see shit, and I swear to god Screwball, STOP BREATHING ON MY NECK AND STRADDLING ME!
Screwball: I can’t help it! It’s really freakin’ cold in here, too! (shivers) AH-CHOO!! ...See?
Gl1m0: I never asked to be stuck here with you. I don’t even know how the hell we got here!
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Exactly! I don’t understand anything around here anymore.
???: What’s there to understand? Trying to understand nothingness only succeeds in bringing on a nasty headache, really.
Gl1m0: What the hell... Who’s there?!
???: Oh? Sorry, lemme introduce myself. I’m... YOU!
Gl1m0: WHAT?! But... that can’t be! It’s impossible! ...I don’t sound like that!
???: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Gl1m0: N-No! I refuse to accept this!
???: MUHAHAHAHA... Okay, not really. Technically, I’m your creator. The author of this story, you could say. But, we share the same name, so... we’re kinda similar, in a way.
Gl1m0: But... I don’t believe in creationism. Hell, not even Scientology! How are you my CREATOR?
???: Your head will probably explode if I explained fully, so... better not. Just know that I made you, and you pretty much always do what I say.
Screwball: Ooh, so if you told him to dance like a drunken Diamond Dog, then he’d do it?!
Gl1m0: SCREWBALL!
???: Naturally. But, I have better things in mind than just childish fun like that. ...We’ll save that for later.
Screwball: Aw, yes!
Gl1m0: ...well, fuck me. Well, what are we going to do, then? And HOW, pray tell, are we going to do it? It’s fucking freezing in here.
???: Ah, sorry... I forget the little things like that. One moment...
[[The darkness clears away, and the trio find themselves inside some kind of Ponyville house.]]
Gl1m0: ...The hell? Why are we on the surface again?
???: Technically, you’re not. At least, not the same “surface” that you knew beforehand. This is a different reality; an altogether different canon from your own.
Gl1m0: ...Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you saying... we’re in another dimension?!
???: Well... that’s a bit of a heavy-handed way of putting it, but... I suppose that’s right. You see, when you added an out-of-universe fanfic to the CRF’s main containment archive--
Gl1m0: That wasn’t even my fault! It was those... those Game Over guys, or whoever they were! They bailed before the core imploded, but they were still kind of responsible for it happening in the first place!
Screwball: Well, you could have stopped those ponies, couldn’t you? Jeez, it was even written down in the manual! ...That you wrote!
Gl1m0: SHUT. UP.
???: ...As I was saying, when you did that thing, it sort of... well... Damn it, this sounds SO cheesy. *sighs* May as well get it out... The out-of-universe nature of the fanfic proved incompatible with the processing system, blah blah blah, the resulting implosion of bad fanfiction ripped apart a hole in the fabric of reality, yadda yadda yadda, you three fell inside, etcetera etcetera... and then you met me, I helped you out of there, and now... here you are.
Gl1m0: That’s like... every terribad science fiction cliché come to life. (gets down on knees and pounds head into the floor) FUCK. MY. LIFE.
???: Now now, don’t go damaging that pretty little head of yours. Mine. Whatever. Anyway, in just a few moments, someone will enter the room, and you’ll be doing a story riff together.
Gl1m0: ...what?
???: You heard me. Just take this story here.
[[A stack of papers materializes in front of them.]]
Gl1m0: How the...?
Screwball: Ooh, magic tricks! Can you make a rabbit disappear? What about pulling a bunch of flowers out of a hat? Huh? Huh?
???: ...No. This story? I wrote it myself, just so a poor soul such as yourself--myself? Hell, I dunno--can riff it. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, fuck me. Not again!”
Gl1m0: How did you...?!
???: What part of “author” didn’t you get? Anyway, I can’t stick around for long. Hell, you probably won’t ever hear from me again. But I hope you have fun in this new universe, eh? I’ve got a few surprises waiting there for you! Seeya~!
Gl1m0: Hey--wait! WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND!
???: ...what is it? Make it quick, man. I gotta catch a bus.
Gl1m0: Are you saying we’re TRAPPED here?! What about the CRF?! Th-the containment field was broken, there could be--!
???: --huge consequences for all parties involved, yadda yadda, so on and so on. Trust me, I’ve planned everything out. It’s gonna work out, trust me! Can’t assure you that everyone will come out unscathed, but--ah, fuck, my bus is here! Gotta go...!
[[The voice... goes away. Somehow.]]
Gl1m0: …He’s... gone? How the hell does a voice from nowhere go away?
Screwball: He was kind of a weirdo... I like that guy!
Lucy: (whines)
Gl1m0: Yeah, he kinda freaks me out too.
Silent: (falls from the sky) OW, DAMN IT DISCORD WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER I LOST MY WINGS! (looks at Gl1m0) Huh?
Gl1m0: Well then... that happened. Um... who are you?
Silent: (Gets up and winced at his tiny nubs that were his wings) My name is Silent Hero, former alicorn guardian. And you are?
Gl1m0: Er... I’m TheAuthorGl1m0. And don’t bother trying to pronounce it correctly, no one ever does...
Screwball: Just call ‘im Glowy! He loves it.
Gl1m0: ...This is Screwball, by the way. And that other mare with us is Lucy.
Lucy: Bark!
Silent: Is Lucy okay? She seems more..... canine.
Gl1m0: (mutters) You’re telling me... Yeah, she just thinks she’s a dog. Screwball wanted to keep her, despite my protests...
Silent: Okay, so Discord never told me why I’m here... The last thing I remember is sitting at my couch waiting for Apple Bot to get home.... then, boom! Here I am.
Screwball: Meh. Boring. We were trapped between dimensions!
Gl1m0: Shhh! ...Um, please ignore her. We’re just as lost as you are, trust us.
Silent: (takes off his shades) Trust me, with everything I’ve been through, I don’t ask many questions anymore. Besides... (looks at Gl1m0 with his Sapphire eyes) ...I think I’ve heard of you before.
Gl1m0: ...Really? If we’re in another universe, I don’t see how that should be possible, but... alright then. (remembers the papers that were left on the ground) Ah... right! That creepy voice left behind this story...
Silent: How did I know Discord only wanted me for a riff?
Screwball: Eh, beats me! He’s fun like that.
Gl1m0: Right... we’re supposed to riff this... But, without our teleprojector, how could we? Unless...
Silent: Well, when Discord sent me here like a month ago from earth, I had a few things with me. Let me check really quick. (shuffles through his vest pockets) Uh, I have a phone that can record for almost an hour, would that do?
Gl1m0: ...Phones. God, it’s been forever since I’ve seen one. (spaces out for a moment) ...Oh, err... sure, that’ll do. I guess.
Silent: How many copies are there? I would really like to save this one for the pit when I make another soul stealer.
Screwball: ...I don’t know why, but I like you, guy!
Gl1m0: Ignoring... that last... remark, uh... (checks papers) ...He left us like, twenty pages of the same thing. Goodness, this is rather short...
Silent: Good. Short, sweet, and down to the point. Let’s do this before AB finds Vinyl helping me clean up the place.
Gl1m0: Alright, fine let’s have a look at this... Hmmm... “Making Muffins”... Well then.
Lucy: Bark?
Silent: Wait, am I seeing this right? It says you wrote it here, Glimo.
Gl1m0: ...WHAT? Lemme see that... (eyes go wide) ...what the actual fuck? That voice was telling the truth...!
Silent: (trying to sound like Vin Diesel) Let go at this motherfucker then!
Gl1m0: Yes, now I’m rather curious as to what “I” even wrote...
Screwball: IT BEGINS! ...YET AGAIN!
Screwball: I can’t help it! It’s really freakin’ cold in here, too! (shivers) AH-CHOO!! ...See?
Gl1m0: I never asked to be stuck here with you. I don’t even know how the hell we got here!
Lucy: Bark!
Gl1m0: Exactly! I don’t understand anything around here anymore.
???: What’s there to understand? Trying to understand nothingness only succeeds in bringing on a nasty headache, really.
Gl1m0: What the hell... Who’s there?!
???: Oh? Sorry, lemme introduce myself. I’m... YOU!
Gl1m0: WHAT?! But... that can’t be! It’s impossible! ...I don’t sound like that!
???: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!
Gl1m0: N-No! I refuse to accept this!
???: MUHAHAHAHA... Okay, not really. Technically, I’m your creator. The author of this story, you could say. But, we share the same name, so... we’re kinda similar, in a way.
Gl1m0: But... I don’t believe in creationism. Hell, not even Scientology! How are you my CREATOR?
???: Your head will probably explode if I explained fully, so... better not. Just know that I made you, and you pretty much always do what I say.
Screwball: Ooh, so if you told him to dance like a drunken Diamond Dog, then he’d do it?!
Gl1m0: SCREWBALL!
???: Naturally. But, I have better things in mind than just childish fun like that. ...We’ll save that for later.
Screwball: Aw, yes!
Gl1m0: ...well, fuck me. Well, what are we going to do, then? And HOW, pray tell, are we going to do it? It’s fucking freezing in here.
???: Ah, sorry... I forget the little things like that. One moment...
[[The darkness clears away, and the trio find themselves inside some kind of Ponyville house.]]
Gl1m0: ...The hell? Why are we on the surface again?
???: Technically, you’re not. At least, not the same “surface” that you knew beforehand. This is a different reality; an altogether different canon from your own.
Gl1m0: ...Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you saying... we’re in another dimension?!
???: Well... that’s a bit of a heavy-handed way of putting it, but... I suppose that’s right. You see, when you added an out-of-universe fanfic to the CRF’s main containment archive--
Gl1m0: That wasn’t even my fault! It was those... those Game Over guys, or whoever they were! They bailed before the core imploded, but they were still kind of responsible for it happening in the first place!
Screwball: Well, you could have stopped those ponies, couldn’t you? Jeez, it was even written down in the manual! ...That you wrote!
Gl1m0: SHUT. UP.
???: ...As I was saying, when you did that thing, it sort of... well... Damn it, this sounds SO cheesy. *sighs* May as well get it out... The out-of-universe nature of the fanfic proved incompatible with the processing system, blah blah blah, the resulting implosion of bad fanfiction ripped apart a hole in the fabric of reality, yadda yadda yadda, you three fell inside, etcetera etcetera... and then you met me, I helped you out of there, and now... here you are.
Gl1m0: That’s like... every terribad science fiction cliché come to life. (gets down on knees and pounds head into the floor) FUCK. MY. LIFE.
???: Now now, don’t go damaging that pretty little head of yours. Mine. Whatever. Anyway, in just a few moments, someone will enter the room, and you’ll be doing a story riff together.
Gl1m0: ...what?
???: You heard me. Just take this story here.
[[A stack of papers materializes in front of them.]]
Gl1m0: How the...?
Screwball: Ooh, magic tricks! Can you make a rabbit disappear? What about pulling a bunch of flowers out of a hat? Huh? Huh?
???: ...No. This story? I wrote it myself, just so a poor soul such as yourself--myself? Hell, I dunno--can riff it. Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “Well, fuck me. Not again!”
Gl1m0: How did you...?!
???: What part of “author” didn’t you get? Anyway, I can’t stick around for long. Hell, you probably won’t ever hear from me again. But I hope you have fun in this new universe, eh? I’ve got a few surprises waiting there for you! Seeya~!
Gl1m0: Hey--wait! WAIT JUST A FUCKING SECOND!
???: ...what is it? Make it quick, man. I gotta catch a bus.
Gl1m0: Are you saying we’re TRAPPED here?! What about the CRF?! Th-the containment field was broken, there could be--!
???: --huge consequences for all parties involved, yadda yadda, so on and so on. Trust me, I’ve planned everything out. It’s gonna work out, trust me! Can’t assure you that everyone will come out unscathed, but--ah, fuck, my bus is here! Gotta go...!
[[The voice... goes away. Somehow.]]
Gl1m0: …He’s... gone? How the hell does a voice from nowhere go away?
Screwball: He was kind of a weirdo... I like that guy!
Lucy: (whines)
Gl1m0: Yeah, he kinda freaks me out too.
Silent: (falls from the sky) OW, DAMN IT DISCORD WHY CAN’T YOU REMEMBER I LOST MY WINGS! (looks at Gl1m0) Huh?
Gl1m0: Well then... that happened. Um... who are you?
Silent: (Gets up and winced at his tiny nubs that were his wings) My name is Silent Hero, former alicorn guardian. And you are?
Gl1m0: Er... I’m TheAuthorGl1m0. And don’t bother trying to pronounce it correctly, no one ever does...
Screwball: Just call ‘im Glowy! He loves it.
Gl1m0: ...This is Screwball, by the way. And that other mare with us is Lucy.
Lucy: Bark!
Silent: Is Lucy okay? She seems more..... canine.
Gl1m0: (mutters) You’re telling me... Yeah, she just thinks she’s a dog. Screwball wanted to keep her, despite my protests...
Silent: Okay, so Discord never told me why I’m here... The last thing I remember is sitting at my couch waiting for Apple Bot to get home.... then, boom! Here I am.
Screwball: Meh. Boring. We were trapped between dimensions!
Gl1m0: Shhh! ...Um, please ignore her. We’re just as lost as you are, trust us.
Silent: (takes off his shades) Trust me, with everything I’ve been through, I don’t ask many questions anymore. Besides... (looks at Gl1m0 with his Sapphire eyes) ...I think I’ve heard of you before.
Gl1m0: ...Really? If we’re in another universe, I don’t see how that should be possible, but... alright then. (remembers the papers that were left on the ground) Ah... right! That creepy voice left behind this story...
Silent: How did I know Discord only wanted me for a riff?
Screwball: Eh, beats me! He’s fun like that.
Gl1m0: Right... we’re supposed to riff this... But, without our teleprojector, how could we? Unless...
Silent: Well, when Discord sent me here like a month ago from earth, I had a few things with me. Let me check really quick. (shuffles through his vest pockets) Uh, I have a phone that can record for almost an hour, would that do?
Gl1m0: ...Phones. God, it’s been forever since I’ve seen one. (spaces out for a moment) ...Oh, err... sure, that’ll do. I guess.
Silent: How many copies are there? I would really like to save this one for the pit when I make another soul stealer.
Screwball: ...I don’t know why, but I like you, guy!
Gl1m0: Ignoring... that last... remark, uh... (checks papers) ...He left us like, twenty pages of the same thing. Goodness, this is rather short...
Silent: Good. Short, sweet, and down to the point. Let’s do this before AB finds Vinyl helping me clean up the place.
Gl1m0: Alright, fine let’s have a look at this... Hmmm... “Making Muffins”... Well then.
Lucy: Bark?
Silent: Wait, am I seeing this right? It says you wrote it here, Glimo.
Gl1m0: ...WHAT? Lemme see that... (eyes go wide) ...what the actual fuck? That voice was telling the truth...!
Silent: (trying to sound like Vin Diesel) Let go at this motherfucker then!
Gl1m0: Yes, now I’m rather curious as to what “I” even wrote...
Screwball: IT BEGINS! ...YET AGAIN!
Muffins. Making muffins. Derpy Hooves liked making muffins.
Gl1m0: That’s true as far as the fandom is concerned, I guess...
Screwball: Actually...
Gl1m0: ...well, shit.
Hell, she LOVED making the dang things. It’s not hard to imagine making muffins being her secret fetish, for Luna’s sake.
Silent: Making Muffins... (scribbles on a notepad) I think we’ve found over 10,000 things that Regi finds as fetishes.
Gl1m0: ...’kay, I dunno who Regi is, but if he has THAT many fetishes, I don’t care to know.
Oh, but she liked eating muffins most of all.
Gl1m0: I would certainly hope so. It’s better than doing... other things with them...
Silent: Oh great, another person who thinks having sex with inanimate objects is fine.... why do I get stuck with the weird ones?
The blueberry ones, especially.
Screwball: Eh... I dunno, those banana nut ones are DA BOMB!
Gl1m0: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Screwball: Destroyer of Muffins and Disposable Income!
Silent: Also eater of metal works.
Yum.
Ingredients aren’t that hard to come by, really.
Gl1m0: Yes, it’s called a GROCERY STORE. Look it up.
Silent: (looks through medieval times dictionary) Nope, not in here.
Anypony can make muffins. No one just finds the time to bake anymore, which is sad. Not making muffins is sad.
Silent: Okay, what type of illegal drugs were you taking when writing this story?
Gl1m0: But I didn’t write it! At least it wasn’t... you know... “me”...
Screwball: Oh reeeeally?
Gl1m0: ...Yes really. Shut up.
It made Derpy sad.
You sick bastard, you just made Derpy cry! How could you be so cruel with your not-making-muffin demeanors?!
Screwball: Hey, we didn’t even do anything, man!
Gl1m0: I love how this story is trying to paint the reader as the bad guy...
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 1.
I don’t even know you anymore, man. You’re dead to me.
Gl1m0: What a jerk.
Silent: You say as you look in a mirror.
Gl1m0: But, there’s just no way I could have wrote this!
Screwball: (COUGH) Yesyoucouldhave (COUGH)
...But, it didn’t matter a whole lot in the end, I guess. Ponies will be ponies, and at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever the hell their tiny little brains can conjure up.
Silent: So what exactly came up in this pony’s mind?
Like kicking trees.
Silent: Oh, well then..
Seriously, who’d be that crazy enough to kick a tree? It’d probably hurt like hell. Not that Derpy would know of course, she’s never been stupid enough to kick a tree.
Gl1m0: Part of me is glad that Applejack didn’t stick around for long, otherwise I imagine I would’ve received a hoof to the jaw for that line.
Silent: Just wait, somehow I’ll get back to Ponyville.
Gl1m0: Er... you’re not gonna tell her about this, are you?
Silent: Na, you’re nice. I won’t tell AJ about this. But I do plan on burning these afterwords.
Not that stupid, anyway.
Silent: How many ponies can you offend?
Gl1m0: At this point, I don’t even care to keep count. There are benefits to living isolated underground, you know.
I mean, there WAS that incident with the thundercloud, and the town hall getting trashed or something, but she didn’t give two bucks what other ponies thought of her antics.
Gl1m0: She was flat broke, anyway.
Why?
Screwball: Because reasons, shut up!
Because she’s Derpy-frickin’-Hooves, man. That’s why.
Silent: Close enough, Screwball. Here, have a treat. (throws a butterscotch at Screwball)
Screwball: SWEET! (starts nomming on the treat)
Gl1m0: ...Sure, leave me hanging. I’m not important or anything.
Screwball: Stop being so butthurt, Glowy! (continues to nom)
Silent: Oh hey, look at that! Two more butterscotch candies. Here. (tosses Gl1m0 one) Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.
Gl1m0: ...Duly noted. (begins quietly chewing on his candy)
You don’t mess with the Derps.
Screwball: Else, she gon’ buck you UP!
Silent: Is Derpy a ponyfied version of Duke Nukem?
Gl1m0: According to this brainfart of a story, apparently so.
Anyway, I think I’m getting off-topic. What was I talking about? ...Baking muffins? Alright, back to that, then.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 2.
Gl1m0: ...This should be a drinking game, or something.
Ya see, Derps had just picked up this sweet new kitchen stove for her cloud house. Of course, it was a really, really heavy stove, and the damn thing just fell straight through the floor as soon as she put it in place. It probably hit some unicorn on the head or something underneath, she didn’t really know. Or care, really.
Silent: And what’s that supposed to mean? (Horn glowing)
Gl1m0: Er... I’m not quite sure? ...Please don’t kill me.
Silent: I’m THE Hero of Silence! I don’t kill out of free will. That’s Rogue Knight you’re talking about.
Screwball: Oh, really? Then how come you talk so much, chatty? That’s not “silent” at all, man.
Silent: I don’t ask for anything in return, I just go in, save the day, and move out. That’s all. I mean, everybody’s gotta have a social life.
Gl1m0: ….. *coughs*
Screwball: Yeah, uh... er...
Lucy: ...Bark?
Silent: Can I please fix that one? (points to Lucy)
Gl1m0: “Fix” her?
Lucy: (yelps, and hides behind a nearby lamppost)
Gl1m0: Er.... she’s had her shots, thanks.
Silent: I can “fix” her... you know that, right?
Gl1m0: Fix what? She’s not broken, at least, not as far as I’m aware... I mean, she DOES think she’s a dog, but aside from that...
Silent: Last offer.
Gl1m0: ………*sighs* …Fine, I guess. I still don’t get this, but...
Silent: Okay then. (Horn glows and he uses an ancient spell that he was taught) ...That should do it. Lucy, that’s her name, right? Anyways, how do you feel?
Lucy: (blinks, and comes out from hiding) ...Fine, I guess. What’s there to feel?
Gl1m0: ….................
Screwball: …...............
Lucy: Um... are you two okay?
Gl1m0 & Screwball: HOW THE FUCK?!
Lucy: My ears...!
Silent: I was taught that from a blind mage near the Crystal Empire. She was nice.
Gl1m0: ...But... but but... but but but...
Screwball: ...Woah. That. Is. AWESOME!
Lucy: I’m sorry, but... what’s the matter? Was it something I said?
Silent: Ah, right, I forgot to give her memory back. Um, so Lucy, that is your name. Before we met you started acting like a dog, barking and howling and whimpering stuff like that. I asked Gl1m0 here if I could try to “fix” you, which I did just now. So here we are. As to how all of you met... I have no idea, but I was introduce to these guys from Discord sending me here for no reason at all except for riffing.
Lucy: ...Oh, right. I see--wait a second... I was acting like a dog?!
Gl1m0: Er... ever since the day we met, actually.
Screwball: Yeah! I was all like, “Can we keep her?” and Glowy was all like “No!” but I kept buggering on about it and he gave in eventually...
Lucy: Well, of course I remember you two... We’ve been together for years, now. Processing those fanfics... we had good times. But to think... a dog, all this time...
Silent: I know my way must’ve been harsh for you Lucy, but it was the only way for me, at least.
Gl1m0: Well then... I’m... not quite sure what to make of all this...
Lucy: Um... Mr.... Silent Hero, right? ...Thank you.
Silent: You can just call me Silent. And anytime for somepony in need. (Shadow wings appear) Damn it, I hate it when Discord does that. Anywho, Lucy, are you mentally fit enough to riff?
Lucy: I’ve been doing this for years, Silent. And while I might have been acting... canine, I still know what I’m doing.
Gl1m0: ...I just realized something. I spent these past years learning to speak dog, and now, it kinda seems like a waste of time. *sighs* Son of a bitch...
Silent: Hey on the bright side, if and when you get back to earth, you can be a dog trainer.
Gl1m0: Uh... earth, right. Right. Er... *coughs*
Silent: ...What are you? A pony trapped inside a human?
Gl1m0: Not... exactly. I’m human alright, and I’ve been on earth, but... that’s just the thing. I have memories of earth, but as far I can tell, I’ve been living in Equestria all my life.
Silent: Huh, guess Celestia didn’t know about you. I’m still trying to find my way home... Although, I’m not sure if I want to. (opens a pocket and looks at a picture of him and Apple Bot via magic) I wouldn’t want to leave her alone. Anyways, let’s get back to riffing. Sound good?
Gl1m0: ...Ah, right, right. Almost forgot...
Lucy: You’ve always been forgetful, Gl1m0.
Gl1m0: ...Not even gonna ask.
It was her own damn fault for insisting on being there, though.
Lucy: It’s not like she can help it, you know.
Gl1m0: Apparently double jeopardy doesn’t work as well for unlucky now-princesses like it should...
Hey, anything could happen, but you would think that she would have seen that thing coming. Clouds weren’t meant to hold up all that heavy shit, anyway. It’s why you rarely see a fat pegasi; those puffy little clouds can’t handle all that blubber.
Silent: But, wait Snowflake..... he has the smallest wings.
Gl1m0: To be fair, most of “that” is muscle. Which weighs less than fat.
Screwball: ...Always the science-y junk with you, isn’t it? How do you explain the wings then, Mr. Scientist?
Gl1m0: (shrugs) Because magic.
Silent: DAMN IT THAT ACTUALLY WORKS HERE!
And no, Derpy’s plot doesn’t count. Stop asking.
Gl1m0: ...But we weren’t.
Lucy: I love how most fanfics assume that Derpy’s rear is “heavy”.
Silent: Damn, you beat me to using that.
Gl1m0: Well, she always was the sharpest out of us...
Silent: Oh well looks like wits have to come quicker to me then.
So then, the poor mailmare had to go and ask Pinkie Pie, obviously the only other pony in Ponyville who could help, to use her stove. Pinks was pretty chill with it, and decided to give Derps the go-ahead. Which was really nice of her.
Silent: But there’s a catch right? There’s always a catch.
Lucy: Unless it’s a fishing club, then I wouldn’t think so.
Those cupcakes of suspiciously dubious origin were finished, anyway.
Silent: Nice “Cupcakes” reference there, bucko.
Gl1m0: ...Thank you? But once again, I must assert that I did not write this fic.
Silent: That’s not what this paper says, man. (Shows him the front page) See, by “TheAuthorGl1m0”... I think I pronounced that right.
Gl1m0: … (twitches) ...I’m burning this later.
Silent: So am I, my friend. (pats Glimo) So am I.
The ingredients were all there, of course. Flour, sugar, asbestos;
Screwball: Ooh, and don’t forget those toenail clippings. Them’s is good stuff.
Silent: And I’m never eating things from you again. Like I have before.
Gl1m0: And now you know why we order take-out food.
everything needed to either make muffins, or poison an entire boardroom meeting. Which is really fun, by the way; next time you’re ever cooking for The Man, give it a try. Never before has getting revenge for those over-inflated taxes ever felt so awesome.
Silent: I might try that to a certain “Lord of Chaos” next time.
Discord: (through whole room) I heard that!
Silent: OH COME ON, CUT ME SOME SLACK DUDE!
Screwball: (giggles) That’s Discord for ya!
Speaking of awesome, guess who flew inside right when good ol’ Derpy was ready to bake?
Gl1m0: I’m gonna guess... a swarm of parasprites?
Screwball: Ooh, a buzzard!
Lucy: Um... a bird?
Silent: Knowing how this fanfic is going I’m going to say... Rainbow Dash?
Rainbow Dash, of course.
Gl1m0: Eh, he called it.
Silent: I should’ve made a bet on that.
Naturally, the daredevil pegasus chose to ask her why the heck she was there, and Derps responded by saying, “Oops, my bad!” or some other stuff to that effect.
Lucy: ...You know, spouting a non-sequitur in such a place wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Then again, we are talking about a Derpy that seems about as bright as a lump of coal...
Gl1m0: Also, story, you do know that she doesn’t have to quote lines from the show all the time, right?
Silent: At least she hasn’t said, “I don’t know what went wrong”.
Derpy has a way with words, you see.
Gl1m0: Hence the reason she wasn’t jailed for causing roughly ten-thousand bits worth of property damage to the town hall.
Silent: I thought that was because Applejack would pay for that.
Gl1m0: Exactly. Derpy hocked the charges off on AJ.
Screwball: (scoffs) What a cheapflank.
And then she got kicked out into the street. You know, kinda like that leech of a cousin who says he’s gonna get a job, but he doesn’t, and then you get kinda pissed off and no matter how many times you threaten to break his legs, he still insists on staying and mooching off of your cookies and soda, so you finally kick him out into the street. Just like what RD did to poor Derps.
Jeez, what a bitch.
Silent: Oh, look. Fourth wall breaking attempt number 3.
Screwball: Eh, at least he remember to use the proper word this time, unlike that other weird story with that sports-loving Gary St--
Gl1m0 & Lucy: Please don’t remind us of that fic.
Silent: I’m lost here...
Gl1m0: Don’t. Even. Ask.
Silent: I’m planning on not doing so.
Anyway, brave Derpy Hooves isn’t the kind of mare to give so easily, no sir. She went ahead and visited every one of her dear friends all around town,
Gl1m0: ...How many friends does she even have, again? Like... three? That’s not a lot of choice, really...
Silent: Hey, don’t be mean to Derpy. She’s awesome, and way more.
Gl1m0: Well, alright, but it’s not like I know her personally or anything...
Silent: I’ve met her a few times.... she broke my mailbox.
Gl1m0: How cute. Screwball broke the dimensional barriers.
Screwball: Not like it was hard, or anything.
Silent: Uh, I’m not gonna ask again.
to see if any of them would be ever-so-kind enough to offer her usage of their muffin-making devices. What’s the “mainstream” word that people use, again? Stoves? Sure, let’s roll with that.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 4. Dude, you were high or something when you wrote this, right? Or at least majorly bored?
Gl1m0: I... DIDN’T... WRITE THIS! Some creepy voice that said it was “me” wrote it! HE’S the one who gave it to me in the first place!
Silent: Fine, fine I won’t tease you about it anymore.
Screwball: Aw, but where’s the fun in that?
Silent: I see fire in his eyes. I am STILL needed in Ponyville.
But for some weird reason, most of them completely ignored her. Either that, or they’d talk to her one minute, and then look away and act as if they don’t even remember her anymore.
Gl1m0: ...Why is this reminding me of my very limited experience with other human women?
Silent: Oh, man if I ever get out of here I still have two more years of highschool left...
Which is strange, because that kinda reminds me of that one really long and sappy fanfic about that random background pony written by that one really popular guy who’s apparently obsessed with leggy princesses and random shit blowing up. He’s pretty cool, I suppose.
Silent: What story is this author talking about? Because I’m WAY lost. Also fourth wall breaking attempt (low whisper) Mombo, number 5.
Gl1m0: Honestly? ...No idea. But then again, I’m not familiar with most fanfics aside from the worst ones, so...
The ending sucked, though.
Silent: Just like every fanfic I’ve riffed so far. Man, I’ve been riffing so much here that I’ve been riffing books I’m reading. GOOD, PUBLISHED, BOOKS!
Gl1m0: Riffing is life, man.
Lucy: I suppose it tends to latch on, like a habit... or a leech, rather. (casts a look in Screwball’s direction)
Screwball: ...Heeeeeey, what’s that supposed to mean?
Lucy: Nothing at all, I was just wondering if you were as smart as you didn’t appear.
Screwball: ...Oh. Thanks!
Lucy: (giggles) Oh, you’re too much...
Also, I kinda feel like I oughta mention that Derpy doesn’t get why so many ponies are bitching about getting paired up with other ponies for no particular reason at all.
Gl1m0: Blame the fanfics. All of them. They’re to blame.
Silent: What about mine?
Gl1m0: ...Well, I haven’t read any, so, I can’t say for sure. But to be nice, I’ll say... no?
Silent: Well, I did write a fanfic where Discord had a crush on Celestia... but I’ll just leave it at that. No real shipping there.
For some reason, a bunch of ponies think it’s HER fault. Apparently, they think she got a job as a matchmaker or something. But, c’mon people, Twilight x Blueblood? The Derps don’t ship that. Really. Be serious now.
Screwball: Hahahahahaha... no. We are never serious.
Silent: She did however ship Rainbow Dash with a sink, so...
Gl1m0: Shipped with EVERYTHING. Friggin’ knew it...
Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that Derpy wasn’t gonna get to bake any muffins after all. Which is a darn shame, ‘cause they’d probably taste like a slice-o’-heaven.
Silent: How do you make Butterscotch muffins?
Gl1m0: With effort.
Lucy: And preferably, a very long pole.
Or just muffins. Either or, really.
Lucy: Why can’t this story ever make up its mind?
Silent: Because the reason.
So, sick and tired of all this bullshit about baking muffins, Derpy throws up her hooves and yells, “BUCK IT!” before proceeding to the nearest grocery mart, and simply buying some freshly store-baked muffins for a dime a dozen.
Gl1m0: ...Is it just me, or did this story switch from past to present tense all of a sudden? (twitches) HAAAAAAAATE...
Silent: I don’t know anymore. I just wanna go home, drink my cider, and hug my marefriend. That’s all I want in life.
Lucy: ...I envy you, actually.
And who cares if dimes aren’t even a real Equestrian currency? Ever hear of inflation? Those little hunks of metal will be worth billions one day, trust me.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 6.
Gl1m0: I’m starting to wonder if there was even a “wall” to begin with. It’s probably more like a freakin’ window.
Come to think of it, where did “bits” come from, anyway? I know there’s that little jingle that goes, “shave and a haircut; two bits!” and all, but I still don’t get it. Why not call them something cooler, like...
Screwball: Snoodles!
Lucy: ...Snoodles? Really?
Silent: Shpoopale?
Gl1m0: ...Uh, loonies?
Like...
Gl1m0: Like... like... like...
Silent: It’s a scratched record! Someone call anypony but MY Vinyl!
Goins.
Silent: Goins?
Yeah, goins.
Silent: ...Am I really talking to this story? WHAT THE FUCK ARE GOINS?
You know, like “gold” and “coin” mixed together. Bits are made of gold, after all. They are made of gold, right? Or... maybe some other yellow metal. They could even be made of friggin’ painted wood, for all you know.
Gl1m0: ...Well then. Apparently this story is SO fourth wall aware, it’s actually speaking to us riffers. It’s like it knows...
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempts numbers 7 and 8. Holy shit, we’re almost in the double digits.
Screwball: Eh. I’ve seen better.
Hell, I never read that guide book. Don’t ask me.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 9. Oh great... I feel like a cop in supertroopers.
Gl1m0: Ugh, if anything, this sounds like a story that Screwball would write.
Screwball: What? No way! There aren’t nearly enough scenes with cool-looking explosions for it to be me.
Gl1m0: ...As long as I live, I’m not letting you go near a pencil or paper. The world isn’t ready for the Micheal Bay of the written word.
Lucy: And never will be.
Derpy heads back to her less-than-humble abode with her muffins in tow, and decides to give one a quick taste test.
It tasted like raspberries.
Silent: Okay, so having a rare muffin choice is not so ba--
And bubblegum. God, I love bubblegum.
Silent: ...Do I even want to ask?
Gl1m0: For our sakes, please don’t.
Why do I like bubblegum?
Gl1m0: Ah, FUCK. Too late.
Well, it’s a long story, and it involved a turnip, a bucket of paint, and three extremely drunk and kinky mares. I’d rather just leave it at that, folks.
Silent: What!? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch all of that!
Lucy: …… (twitches)
Gl1m0: I’m... not sure what to make of this.
...Seriously. Quit asking about it. You’ll never survive.
Silent: Ugh, I’m not liking this story by the second.
Gl1m0: You’re only just now coming to that conclusion? I hated it the moment that it claimed it was written by “me”.
Silent: Well, yeah, of course you would.
As I was saying, Derpy had just returned home with her awesome to discover something terrible: some bitch had stomped apart her flower garden!
Screwball: AND! THAT’S! TERRIBLE!
Silent: Please don’t become Rarity..
Or bitches, as the case might be, as she then noticed those three really crazy fillies that are always trying to find ways to get those tattoos on their thighs.
Gl1m0: Taking bets! Who says that these AREN’T the CMC?
Silent: Any takers?
Screwball: … (starts to raise her hoof, but Gl1m0 swats it down)
Silent: Nope, okay! Let’s go on.
Yep, not flanks—THIGHS, people. Everyone calls them blank-flanks, but just so you folks know, that is NOT the correct term.
Lucy: ...To be fair, that is technically correct.
Screwball: Bah, what do YOU know? It’s a fanfic, Lucy.
Silent: Uh, I just wanna go home now.
Gl1m0: Wishes were made to be unfulfilled, I’m sad to say.
Horse flanks are nowhere near where those tattoo things are supposed to be—what are they called again, cutie marks? Yeah, those.
Silent: After fighting numerous monsters and saving a few ponies, yet I STILL haven’t gotten my cutie mark... not like I care, or anything.
Gl1m0: Well, at least that’s one personal crisis I need never worry about.
Screwball: I got a cutie mark. It’s cool. See, see? (shows off her flank)
Gl1m0: ...Uh, yeah. It suits your name.
Lucy: And mine is... well...
Silent: What is yours anyway, Lucy? I tend not to care about cutie marks.
Lucy: A... (looks at her mark) ...screw. Well, I... don’t know what to make of that...
Silent: Well.... you DID act like a dog....
Gl1m0: I guess it means you had a... screw loose, maybe? Not sure what it means now, though...
Silent: I’m still being made fun of by freaking fillies because of this, but then I threaten them with my trusty soul stealer blade.
Gl1m0: Ah... that would certainly cut a conversation short.
Get your facts straight, folks. Jeez.
Gl1m0: ...Come to think of it, that was fourth wall breaking attempts 10, 11, and 12 we just read through. Just... wow. That’s all I can say.
Silent: Damn! I was supposed to keep count...
Anyway, those fillies were trying to get their thigh tattoo in gardening or something, but even the Derps could see that they were the epitome of epic failure in that department.
Gl1m0: This is coming from Derpy, right? And she would know this HOW?
Lucy: From experience, I guess.
Silent: That, and all around town you can hear “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INSERT SUBJECT OF WORK HERE!”
But still, being the awesomely kind and nice mare that she is, Derpy let those three get off scot-free, without a spanking.
Lucy: Wouldn’t that... technically be foal abuse?
Silent: Maybe....
Lucy: Ungh... (shivers) I... don’t want to think about that...
She was totally telling their mothers, though.
Screwball: Jeez, Derpy is such a tattletale.
Silent: I remember when my garden got torched... She ended up becoming my marefriend.
Gl1m0: The fires of love doth burn bright, this summer evening... I just made that up.
Silent: Sounds almost like Shakespeare... but you need more lengthy sentences.
Speaking of fillies, the Derps has a little filly of her own, wouldn’t ya know.
All: We do.
Gl1m0: And fanfic authors will NOT stop harping on about that fact.
Silent: Ugh.... hate sucky stories...
And she’s probably the most fucking adorable thing you will ever lay your squishy mortal eyes on.
Screwball: Do I sense a CHALLENGE, story?
Silent: Highly doubt that you can beat Apple Bot being cute. NOTHING can beat Apple Bot being cute.
Her name? Dinky. And don’t laugh! Even though it’s a really silly name, if you dared laugh at it, then the Derp WILL find you, and she will not hesitate to fuck you up.
Lucy: Beware the strange ones, I guess...
Silent: There is no reason anypony should be afraid of me.
Gl1m0: Meh, haven’t seen enough. Though I will warn you about Screwball...
Screwball: FEAR ME! RAWR!
So watch out, pal.
Screwball: Because she’s an evil enchantress, and she’ll put you in trances~!
Silent: That bitch still owes me tacos.... I’m talking to her after this. Also Fourth wall breaking attempt number 13 and 14.
Derpy went back inside her house, and gave her little Dinky a great big bear hug. (She’s not really a bear of course, but that’s the closest thing I could think of when trying to come up with a half-decent description.)
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 15.
Gl1m0: Why. WHY. WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS POINTLESS SHIT, STORY.
Silent: Because it can, “you”.
Gl1m0: ...I am going to punch that “Author” in his nonexistent face.
Silent: Have fun with that.
And then, they both shared in some of the muffins that dear old mum had bought for them both. I gave myself diabetes trying to come up with a more accurate description, so in the interest of a longer lifespan, I’ll simply leave it at that.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 16.
Gl1m0: I kind of wish that he did die while trying to recreate the “cuteness”. It would save us so much trouble.
Screwball: So... you wanna commit suicide, or something?
Silent: Now, Gl1m0, that’s no way to talk about yourself.
Gl1m0: ...fuck you guys. Fuck you all.
Silent: Lucy didn’t do anything.
Gl1m0: Well, no, but... Guh, I can’t even go one day without being politically incorrect, can I?
Lucy: I, uh... I’ll just be over here...
While they were eating their awesomely-store-baked muffins, cute lil’ Dinky turns to her mum and asks: “Mommy, why was Rainbow Dash licking the spot where Pinkie Pie pees out of?”
Gl1m0: I’m sorry, let me read that again. ...WHAT.
Silent: Thanks, now I’m temporarily deaf.
Screwball: ...WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
To which Derpy simply smiled and replied, “Well, they were making muffins, my little muffin.”
Silent: I’m going to repeat my good friend here, and say... WHAT!?
Gl1m0: I just... I can’t... HOW.
Screwball: Also, TITLE DROP!
Lucy: How “clever”. Sexual innuendo was hidden in the title, and that was the only warning we ever got about this.
Ya see, Derpy don’t subscribe to that birds ‘n bees bullshit; she tells it like it is.
Screwball: Eh, I kinda wish my parents were like that. I had to learn all the stuff I do through OTHER means.
Lucy: Oh? Such as...?
Screwball: The internet, silly. Now, as soon as Glowy takes the lock off that server box...
Gl1m0: Screwball, I put a mature-filter proxy on our connection for a REASON, you know.
And then, Derpy proceeded to lecture innocent little Dinky on the importance of true love, interpreting the ideal mate, and the many safe sex practices.
Silent: Okay, this story is whacked out! I’m so glad this is almost over!
Gl1m0: TELL me about it; it went from “Meh” to “WTF” in five seconds flat!
Lucy: Well... that’s nothing new, really.
Silent: But out of all the stories in the world, I was less prepared for a Derpy story becoming like that.
Gl1m0: This HAS to be a trollfic... It... it has to be!
Licking the place a girl pees out of wasn’t among them.
Silent: I wonder why? (Insert Very Heavy Sarcasm here)
Screwball: Because of the excuse. (Insert Complete Cluelessness here)
Gl1m0: I just don’t give a shit anymore... (Insert Utter Apathy here)
So yeah, that’s pretty much how her day went so far. Just a normal, average day in Equestria for the Derps.
Gl1m0: Yeah, I’d kind of hesitate to call that “average”!
Silent: Or even normal. This is a dream on acid or something.
Kickin’ back at home, with one leg wrapped around her Dinky, and a kickass muffin cradled in the other.
Lucy: For whatever reason, I’m picturing Derpy in that pose from... what movie was that, again?
Gl1m0: Ah... Tony Montana, from Scarface? Except, you know... minus the cocaine, and gun.
Silent: I’m having a very hard time wanting to just get up and leave now.
Gl1m0: I wouldn’t worry about that too much, we’re just about done...
U jelly, non-Derps?
Lucy: ...Not really, no.
Silent: (Holds up a pic of him and AB) I’m good.
Gl1m0: As much as it pains me to say it... I’d rather keep with what I have now.
Screwball: Awwww, Glowy~!
Gl1m0: ...Oh wait, then there’s YOU, of course.
Silent: Aw, come on, don’t be mean to her now. She’s only having her fun.
Screwball: Ah, whatevs. We love making fun of eachother like this.
Gl1m0: If not for the occasional mindfuck, then for the sheer hell of it.
Silent: (nods) Sounds about right. All right, I should get going then--
Screwball: WAITWAITWAIT! We still have...!
~END~
Screwball: Ka-boom! HAPPY END! ...Okay, now you can go.
Silent: (sighs) I’m so glad I live in the marketplace.
Gl1m0: That’s true as far as the fandom is concerned, I guess...
Screwball: Actually...
Gl1m0: ...well, shit.
Hell, she LOVED making the dang things. It’s not hard to imagine making muffins being her secret fetish, for Luna’s sake.
Silent: Making Muffins... (scribbles on a notepad) I think we’ve found over 10,000 things that Regi finds as fetishes.
Gl1m0: ...’kay, I dunno who Regi is, but if he has THAT many fetishes, I don’t care to know.
Oh, but she liked eating muffins most of all.
Gl1m0: I would certainly hope so. It’s better than doing... other things with them...
Silent: Oh great, another person who thinks having sex with inanimate objects is fine.... why do I get stuck with the weird ones?
The blueberry ones, especially.
Screwball: Eh... I dunno, those banana nut ones are DA BOMB!
Gl1m0: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Screwball: Destroyer of Muffins and Disposable Income!
Silent: Also eater of metal works.
Yum.
Ingredients aren’t that hard to come by, really.
Gl1m0: Yes, it’s called a GROCERY STORE. Look it up.
Silent: (looks through medieval times dictionary) Nope, not in here.
Anypony can make muffins. No one just finds the time to bake anymore, which is sad. Not making muffins is sad.
Silent: Okay, what type of illegal drugs were you taking when writing this story?
Gl1m0: But I didn’t write it! At least it wasn’t... you know... “me”...
Screwball: Oh reeeeally?
Gl1m0: ...Yes really. Shut up.
It made Derpy sad.
You sick bastard, you just made Derpy cry! How could you be so cruel with your not-making-muffin demeanors?!
Screwball: Hey, we didn’t even do anything, man!
Gl1m0: I love how this story is trying to paint the reader as the bad guy...
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 1.
I don’t even know you anymore, man. You’re dead to me.
Gl1m0: What a jerk.
Silent: You say as you look in a mirror.
Gl1m0: But, there’s just no way I could have wrote this!
Screwball: (COUGH) Yesyoucouldhave (COUGH)
...But, it didn’t matter a whole lot in the end, I guess. Ponies will be ponies, and at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever the hell their tiny little brains can conjure up.
Silent: So what exactly came up in this pony’s mind?
Like kicking trees.
Silent: Oh, well then..
Seriously, who’d be that crazy enough to kick a tree? It’d probably hurt like hell. Not that Derpy would know of course, she’s never been stupid enough to kick a tree.
Gl1m0: Part of me is glad that Applejack didn’t stick around for long, otherwise I imagine I would’ve received a hoof to the jaw for that line.
Silent: Just wait, somehow I’ll get back to Ponyville.
Gl1m0: Er... you’re not gonna tell her about this, are you?
Silent: Na, you’re nice. I won’t tell AJ about this. But I do plan on burning these afterwords.
Not that stupid, anyway.
Silent: How many ponies can you offend?
Gl1m0: At this point, I don’t even care to keep count. There are benefits to living isolated underground, you know.
I mean, there WAS that incident with the thundercloud, and the town hall getting trashed or something, but she didn’t give two bucks what other ponies thought of her antics.
Gl1m0: She was flat broke, anyway.
Why?
Screwball: Because reasons, shut up!
Because she’s Derpy-frickin’-Hooves, man. That’s why.
Silent: Close enough, Screwball. Here, have a treat. (throws a butterscotch at Screwball)
Screwball: SWEET! (starts nomming on the treat)
Gl1m0: ...Sure, leave me hanging. I’m not important or anything.
Screwball: Stop being so butthurt, Glowy! (continues to nom)
Silent: Oh hey, look at that! Two more butterscotch candies. Here. (tosses Gl1m0 one) Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.
Gl1m0: ...Duly noted. (begins quietly chewing on his candy)
You don’t mess with the Derps.
Screwball: Else, she gon’ buck you UP!
Silent: Is Derpy a ponyfied version of Duke Nukem?
Gl1m0: According to this brainfart of a story, apparently so.
Anyway, I think I’m getting off-topic. What was I talking about? ...Baking muffins? Alright, back to that, then.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 2.
Gl1m0: ...This should be a drinking game, or something.
Ya see, Derps had just picked up this sweet new kitchen stove for her cloud house. Of course, it was a really, really heavy stove, and the damn thing just fell straight through the floor as soon as she put it in place. It probably hit some unicorn on the head or something underneath, she didn’t really know. Or care, really.
Silent: And what’s that supposed to mean? (Horn glowing)
Gl1m0: Er... I’m not quite sure? ...Please don’t kill me.
Silent: I’m THE Hero of Silence! I don’t kill out of free will. That’s Rogue Knight you’re talking about.
Screwball: Oh, really? Then how come you talk so much, chatty? That’s not “silent” at all, man.
Silent: I don’t ask for anything in return, I just go in, save the day, and move out. That’s all. I mean, everybody’s gotta have a social life.
Gl1m0: ….. *coughs*
Screwball: Yeah, uh... er...
Lucy: ...Bark?
Silent: Can I please fix that one? (points to Lucy)
Gl1m0: “Fix” her?
Lucy: (yelps, and hides behind a nearby lamppost)
Gl1m0: Er.... she’s had her shots, thanks.
Silent: I can “fix” her... you know that, right?
Gl1m0: Fix what? She’s not broken, at least, not as far as I’m aware... I mean, she DOES think she’s a dog, but aside from that...
Silent: Last offer.
Gl1m0: ………*sighs* …Fine, I guess. I still don’t get this, but...
Silent: Okay then. (Horn glows and he uses an ancient spell that he was taught) ...That should do it. Lucy, that’s her name, right? Anyways, how do you feel?
Lucy: (blinks, and comes out from hiding) ...Fine, I guess. What’s there to feel?
Gl1m0: ….................
Screwball: …...............
Lucy: Um... are you two okay?
Gl1m0 & Screwball: HOW THE FUCK?!
Lucy: My ears...!
Silent: I was taught that from a blind mage near the Crystal Empire. She was nice.
Gl1m0: ...But... but but... but but but...
Screwball: ...Woah. That. Is. AWESOME!
Lucy: I’m sorry, but... what’s the matter? Was it something I said?
Silent: Ah, right, I forgot to give her memory back. Um, so Lucy, that is your name. Before we met you started acting like a dog, barking and howling and whimpering stuff like that. I asked Gl1m0 here if I could try to “fix” you, which I did just now. So here we are. As to how all of you met... I have no idea, but I was introduce to these guys from Discord sending me here for no reason at all except for riffing.
Lucy: ...Oh, right. I see--wait a second... I was acting like a dog?!
Gl1m0: Er... ever since the day we met, actually.
Screwball: Yeah! I was all like, “Can we keep her?” and Glowy was all like “No!” but I kept buggering on about it and he gave in eventually...
Lucy: Well, of course I remember you two... We’ve been together for years, now. Processing those fanfics... we had good times. But to think... a dog, all this time...
Silent: I know my way must’ve been harsh for you Lucy, but it was the only way for me, at least.
Gl1m0: Well then... I’m... not quite sure what to make of all this...
Lucy: Um... Mr.... Silent Hero, right? ...Thank you.
Silent: You can just call me Silent. And anytime for somepony in need. (Shadow wings appear) Damn it, I hate it when Discord does that. Anywho, Lucy, are you mentally fit enough to riff?
Lucy: I’ve been doing this for years, Silent. And while I might have been acting... canine, I still know what I’m doing.
Gl1m0: ...I just realized something. I spent these past years learning to speak dog, and now, it kinda seems like a waste of time. *sighs* Son of a bitch...
Silent: Hey on the bright side, if and when you get back to earth, you can be a dog trainer.
Gl1m0: Uh... earth, right. Right. Er... *coughs*
Silent: ...What are you? A pony trapped inside a human?
Gl1m0: Not... exactly. I’m human alright, and I’ve been on earth, but... that’s just the thing. I have memories of earth, but as far I can tell, I’ve been living in Equestria all my life.
Silent: Huh, guess Celestia didn’t know about you. I’m still trying to find my way home... Although, I’m not sure if I want to. (opens a pocket and looks at a picture of him and Apple Bot via magic) I wouldn’t want to leave her alone. Anyways, let’s get back to riffing. Sound good?
Gl1m0: ...Ah, right, right. Almost forgot...
Lucy: You’ve always been forgetful, Gl1m0.
Gl1m0: ...Not even gonna ask.
It was her own damn fault for insisting on being there, though.
Lucy: It’s not like she can help it, you know.
Gl1m0: Apparently double jeopardy doesn’t work as well for unlucky now-princesses like it should...
Hey, anything could happen, but you would think that she would have seen that thing coming. Clouds weren’t meant to hold up all that heavy shit, anyway. It’s why you rarely see a fat pegasi; those puffy little clouds can’t handle all that blubber.
Silent: But, wait Snowflake..... he has the smallest wings.
Gl1m0: To be fair, most of “that” is muscle. Which weighs less than fat.
Screwball: ...Always the science-y junk with you, isn’t it? How do you explain the wings then, Mr. Scientist?
Gl1m0: (shrugs) Because magic.
Silent: DAMN IT THAT ACTUALLY WORKS HERE!
And no, Derpy’s plot doesn’t count. Stop asking.
Gl1m0: ...But we weren’t.
Lucy: I love how most fanfics assume that Derpy’s rear is “heavy”.
Silent: Damn, you beat me to using that.
Gl1m0: Well, she always was the sharpest out of us...
Silent: Oh well looks like wits have to come quicker to me then.
So then, the poor mailmare had to go and ask Pinkie Pie, obviously the only other pony in Ponyville who could help, to use her stove. Pinks was pretty chill with it, and decided to give Derps the go-ahead. Which was really nice of her.
Silent: But there’s a catch right? There’s always a catch.
Lucy: Unless it’s a fishing club, then I wouldn’t think so.
Those cupcakes of suspiciously dubious origin were finished, anyway.
Silent: Nice “Cupcakes” reference there, bucko.
Gl1m0: ...Thank you? But once again, I must assert that I did not write this fic.
Silent: That’s not what this paper says, man. (Shows him the front page) See, by “TheAuthorGl1m0”... I think I pronounced that right.
Gl1m0: … (twitches) ...I’m burning this later.
Silent: So am I, my friend. (pats Glimo) So am I.
The ingredients were all there, of course. Flour, sugar, asbestos;
Screwball: Ooh, and don’t forget those toenail clippings. Them’s is good stuff.
Silent: And I’m never eating things from you again. Like I have before.
Gl1m0: And now you know why we order take-out food.
everything needed to either make muffins, or poison an entire boardroom meeting. Which is really fun, by the way; next time you’re ever cooking for The Man, give it a try. Never before has getting revenge for those over-inflated taxes ever felt so awesome.
Silent: I might try that to a certain “Lord of Chaos” next time.
Discord: (through whole room) I heard that!
Silent: OH COME ON, CUT ME SOME SLACK DUDE!
Screwball: (giggles) That’s Discord for ya!
Speaking of awesome, guess who flew inside right when good ol’ Derpy was ready to bake?
Gl1m0: I’m gonna guess... a swarm of parasprites?
Screwball: Ooh, a buzzard!
Lucy: Um... a bird?
Silent: Knowing how this fanfic is going I’m going to say... Rainbow Dash?
Rainbow Dash, of course.
Gl1m0: Eh, he called it.
Silent: I should’ve made a bet on that.
Naturally, the daredevil pegasus chose to ask her why the heck she was there, and Derps responded by saying, “Oops, my bad!” or some other stuff to that effect.
Lucy: ...You know, spouting a non-sequitur in such a place wouldn’t be the smartest idea. Then again, we are talking about a Derpy that seems about as bright as a lump of coal...
Gl1m0: Also, story, you do know that she doesn’t have to quote lines from the show all the time, right?
Silent: At least she hasn’t said, “I don’t know what went wrong”.
Derpy has a way with words, you see.
Gl1m0: Hence the reason she wasn’t jailed for causing roughly ten-thousand bits worth of property damage to the town hall.
Silent: I thought that was because Applejack would pay for that.
Gl1m0: Exactly. Derpy hocked the charges off on AJ.
Screwball: (scoffs) What a cheapflank.
And then she got kicked out into the street. You know, kinda like that leech of a cousin who says he’s gonna get a job, but he doesn’t, and then you get kinda pissed off and no matter how many times you threaten to break his legs, he still insists on staying and mooching off of your cookies and soda, so you finally kick him out into the street. Just like what RD did to poor Derps.
Jeez, what a bitch.
Silent: Oh, look. Fourth wall breaking attempt number 3.
Screwball: Eh, at least he remember to use the proper word this time, unlike that other weird story with that sports-loving Gary St--
Gl1m0 & Lucy: Please don’t remind us of that fic.
Silent: I’m lost here...
Gl1m0: Don’t. Even. Ask.
Silent: I’m planning on not doing so.
Anyway, brave Derpy Hooves isn’t the kind of mare to give so easily, no sir. She went ahead and visited every one of her dear friends all around town,
Gl1m0: ...How many friends does she even have, again? Like... three? That’s not a lot of choice, really...
Silent: Hey, don’t be mean to Derpy. She’s awesome, and way more.
Gl1m0: Well, alright, but it’s not like I know her personally or anything...
Silent: I’ve met her a few times.... she broke my mailbox.
Gl1m0: How cute. Screwball broke the dimensional barriers.
Screwball: Not like it was hard, or anything.
Silent: Uh, I’m not gonna ask again.
to see if any of them would be ever-so-kind enough to offer her usage of their muffin-making devices. What’s the “mainstream” word that people use, again? Stoves? Sure, let’s roll with that.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 4. Dude, you were high or something when you wrote this, right? Or at least majorly bored?
Gl1m0: I... DIDN’T... WRITE THIS! Some creepy voice that said it was “me” wrote it! HE’S the one who gave it to me in the first place!
Silent: Fine, fine I won’t tease you about it anymore.
Screwball: Aw, but where’s the fun in that?
Silent: I see fire in his eyes. I am STILL needed in Ponyville.
But for some weird reason, most of them completely ignored her. Either that, or they’d talk to her one minute, and then look away and act as if they don’t even remember her anymore.
Gl1m0: ...Why is this reminding me of my very limited experience with other human women?
Silent: Oh, man if I ever get out of here I still have two more years of highschool left...
Which is strange, because that kinda reminds me of that one really long and sappy fanfic about that random background pony written by that one really popular guy who’s apparently obsessed with leggy princesses and random shit blowing up. He’s pretty cool, I suppose.
Silent: What story is this author talking about? Because I’m WAY lost. Also fourth wall breaking attempt (low whisper) Mombo, number 5.
Gl1m0: Honestly? ...No idea. But then again, I’m not familiar with most fanfics aside from the worst ones, so...
The ending sucked, though.
Silent: Just like every fanfic I’ve riffed so far. Man, I’ve been riffing so much here that I’ve been riffing books I’m reading. GOOD, PUBLISHED, BOOKS!
Gl1m0: Riffing is life, man.
Lucy: I suppose it tends to latch on, like a habit... or a leech, rather. (casts a look in Screwball’s direction)
Screwball: ...Heeeeeey, what’s that supposed to mean?
Lucy: Nothing at all, I was just wondering if you were as smart as you didn’t appear.
Screwball: ...Oh. Thanks!
Lucy: (giggles) Oh, you’re too much...
Also, I kinda feel like I oughta mention that Derpy doesn’t get why so many ponies are bitching about getting paired up with other ponies for no particular reason at all.
Gl1m0: Blame the fanfics. All of them. They’re to blame.
Silent: What about mine?
Gl1m0: ...Well, I haven’t read any, so, I can’t say for sure. But to be nice, I’ll say... no?
Silent: Well, I did write a fanfic where Discord had a crush on Celestia... but I’ll just leave it at that. No real shipping there.
For some reason, a bunch of ponies think it’s HER fault. Apparently, they think she got a job as a matchmaker or something. But, c’mon people, Twilight x Blueblood? The Derps don’t ship that. Really. Be serious now.
Screwball: Hahahahahaha... no. We are never serious.
Silent: She did however ship Rainbow Dash with a sink, so...
Gl1m0: Shipped with EVERYTHING. Friggin’ knew it...
Anyway, it seemed pretty obvious that Derpy wasn’t gonna get to bake any muffins after all. Which is a darn shame, ‘cause they’d probably taste like a slice-o’-heaven.
Silent: How do you make Butterscotch muffins?
Gl1m0: With effort.
Lucy: And preferably, a very long pole.
Or just muffins. Either or, really.
Lucy: Why can’t this story ever make up its mind?
Silent: Because the reason.
So, sick and tired of all this bullshit about baking muffins, Derpy throws up her hooves and yells, “BUCK IT!” before proceeding to the nearest grocery mart, and simply buying some freshly store-baked muffins for a dime a dozen.
Gl1m0: ...Is it just me, or did this story switch from past to present tense all of a sudden? (twitches) HAAAAAAAATE...
Silent: I don’t know anymore. I just wanna go home, drink my cider, and hug my marefriend. That’s all I want in life.
Lucy: ...I envy you, actually.
And who cares if dimes aren’t even a real Equestrian currency? Ever hear of inflation? Those little hunks of metal will be worth billions one day, trust me.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 6.
Gl1m0: I’m starting to wonder if there was even a “wall” to begin with. It’s probably more like a freakin’ window.
Come to think of it, where did “bits” come from, anyway? I know there’s that little jingle that goes, “shave and a haircut; two bits!” and all, but I still don’t get it. Why not call them something cooler, like...
Screwball: Snoodles!
Lucy: ...Snoodles? Really?
Silent: Shpoopale?
Gl1m0: ...Uh, loonies?
Like...
Gl1m0: Like... like... like...
Silent: It’s a scratched record! Someone call anypony but MY Vinyl!
Goins.
Silent: Goins?
Yeah, goins.
Silent: ...Am I really talking to this story? WHAT THE FUCK ARE GOINS?
You know, like “gold” and “coin” mixed together. Bits are made of gold, after all. They are made of gold, right? Or... maybe some other yellow metal. They could even be made of friggin’ painted wood, for all you know.
Gl1m0: ...Well then. Apparently this story is SO fourth wall aware, it’s actually speaking to us riffers. It’s like it knows...
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempts numbers 7 and 8. Holy shit, we’re almost in the double digits.
Screwball: Eh. I’ve seen better.
Hell, I never read that guide book. Don’t ask me.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 9. Oh great... I feel like a cop in supertroopers.
Gl1m0: Ugh, if anything, this sounds like a story that Screwball would write.
Screwball: What? No way! There aren’t nearly enough scenes with cool-looking explosions for it to be me.
Gl1m0: ...As long as I live, I’m not letting you go near a pencil or paper. The world isn’t ready for the Micheal Bay of the written word.
Lucy: And never will be.
Derpy heads back to her less-than-humble abode with her muffins in tow, and decides to give one a quick taste test.
It tasted like raspberries.
Silent: Okay, so having a rare muffin choice is not so ba--
And bubblegum. God, I love bubblegum.
Silent: ...Do I even want to ask?
Gl1m0: For our sakes, please don’t.
Why do I like bubblegum?
Gl1m0: Ah, FUCK. Too late.
Well, it’s a long story, and it involved a turnip, a bucket of paint, and three extremely drunk and kinky mares. I’d rather just leave it at that, folks.
Silent: What!? I’m sorry, I didn’t catch all of that!
Lucy: …… (twitches)
Gl1m0: I’m... not sure what to make of this.
...Seriously. Quit asking about it. You’ll never survive.
Silent: Ugh, I’m not liking this story by the second.
Gl1m0: You’re only just now coming to that conclusion? I hated it the moment that it claimed it was written by “me”.
Silent: Well, yeah, of course you would.
As I was saying, Derpy had just returned home with her awesome to discover something terrible: some bitch had stomped apart her flower garden!
Screwball: AND! THAT’S! TERRIBLE!
Silent: Please don’t become Rarity..
Or bitches, as the case might be, as she then noticed those three really crazy fillies that are always trying to find ways to get those tattoos on their thighs.
Gl1m0: Taking bets! Who says that these AREN’T the CMC?
Silent: Any takers?
Screwball: … (starts to raise her hoof, but Gl1m0 swats it down)
Silent: Nope, okay! Let’s go on.
Yep, not flanks—THIGHS, people. Everyone calls them blank-flanks, but just so you folks know, that is NOT the correct term.
Lucy: ...To be fair, that is technically correct.
Screwball: Bah, what do YOU know? It’s a fanfic, Lucy.
Silent: Uh, I just wanna go home now.
Gl1m0: Wishes were made to be unfulfilled, I’m sad to say.
Horse flanks are nowhere near where those tattoo things are supposed to be—what are they called again, cutie marks? Yeah, those.
Silent: After fighting numerous monsters and saving a few ponies, yet I STILL haven’t gotten my cutie mark... not like I care, or anything.
Gl1m0: Well, at least that’s one personal crisis I need never worry about.
Screwball: I got a cutie mark. It’s cool. See, see? (shows off her flank)
Gl1m0: ...Uh, yeah. It suits your name.
Lucy: And mine is... well...
Silent: What is yours anyway, Lucy? I tend not to care about cutie marks.
Lucy: A... (looks at her mark) ...screw. Well, I... don’t know what to make of that...
Silent: Well.... you DID act like a dog....
Gl1m0: I guess it means you had a... screw loose, maybe? Not sure what it means now, though...
Silent: I’m still being made fun of by freaking fillies because of this, but then I threaten them with my trusty soul stealer blade.
Gl1m0: Ah... that would certainly cut a conversation short.
Get your facts straight, folks. Jeez.
Gl1m0: ...Come to think of it, that was fourth wall breaking attempts 10, 11, and 12 we just read through. Just... wow. That’s all I can say.
Silent: Damn! I was supposed to keep count...
Anyway, those fillies were trying to get their thigh tattoo in gardening or something, but even the Derps could see that they were the epitome of epic failure in that department.
Gl1m0: This is coming from Derpy, right? And she would know this HOW?
Lucy: From experience, I guess.
Silent: That, and all around town you can hear “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS INSERT SUBJECT OF WORK HERE!”
But still, being the awesomely kind and nice mare that she is, Derpy let those three get off scot-free, without a spanking.
Lucy: Wouldn’t that... technically be foal abuse?
Silent: Maybe....
Lucy: Ungh... (shivers) I... don’t want to think about that...
She was totally telling their mothers, though.
Screwball: Jeez, Derpy is such a tattletale.
Silent: I remember when my garden got torched... She ended up becoming my marefriend.
Gl1m0: The fires of love doth burn bright, this summer evening... I just made that up.
Silent: Sounds almost like Shakespeare... but you need more lengthy sentences.
Speaking of fillies, the Derps has a little filly of her own, wouldn’t ya know.
All: We do.
Gl1m0: And fanfic authors will NOT stop harping on about that fact.
Silent: Ugh.... hate sucky stories...
And she’s probably the most fucking adorable thing you will ever lay your squishy mortal eyes on.
Screwball: Do I sense a CHALLENGE, story?
Silent: Highly doubt that you can beat Apple Bot being cute. NOTHING can beat Apple Bot being cute.
Her name? Dinky. And don’t laugh! Even though it’s a really silly name, if you dared laugh at it, then the Derp WILL find you, and she will not hesitate to fuck you up.
Lucy: Beware the strange ones, I guess...
Silent: There is no reason anypony should be afraid of me.
Gl1m0: Meh, haven’t seen enough. Though I will warn you about Screwball...
Screwball: FEAR ME! RAWR!
So watch out, pal.
Screwball: Because she’s an evil enchantress, and she’ll put you in trances~!
Silent: That bitch still owes me tacos.... I’m talking to her after this. Also Fourth wall breaking attempt number 13 and 14.
Derpy went back inside her house, and gave her little Dinky a great big bear hug. (She’s not really a bear of course, but that’s the closest thing I could think of when trying to come up with a half-decent description.)
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 15.
Gl1m0: Why. WHY. WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS POINTLESS SHIT, STORY.
Silent: Because it can, “you”.
Gl1m0: ...I am going to punch that “Author” in his nonexistent face.
Silent: Have fun with that.
And then, they both shared in some of the muffins that dear old mum had bought for them both. I gave myself diabetes trying to come up with a more accurate description, so in the interest of a longer lifespan, I’ll simply leave it at that.
Silent: Fourth wall breaking attempt number 16.
Gl1m0: I kind of wish that he did die while trying to recreate the “cuteness”. It would save us so much trouble.
Screwball: So... you wanna commit suicide, or something?
Silent: Now, Gl1m0, that’s no way to talk about yourself.
Gl1m0: ...fuck you guys. Fuck you all.
Silent: Lucy didn’t do anything.
Gl1m0: Well, no, but... Guh, I can’t even go one day without being politically incorrect, can I?
Lucy: I, uh... I’ll just be over here...
While they were eating their awesomely-store-baked muffins, cute lil’ Dinky turns to her mum and asks: “Mommy, why was Rainbow Dash licking the spot where Pinkie Pie pees out of?”
Gl1m0: I’m sorry, let me read that again. ...WHAT.
Silent: Thanks, now I’m temporarily deaf.
Screwball: ...WHAT?! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
To which Derpy simply smiled and replied, “Well, they were making muffins, my little muffin.”
Silent: I’m going to repeat my good friend here, and say... WHAT!?
Gl1m0: I just... I can’t... HOW.
Screwball: Also, TITLE DROP!
Lucy: How “clever”. Sexual innuendo was hidden in the title, and that was the only warning we ever got about this.
Ya see, Derpy don’t subscribe to that birds ‘n bees bullshit; she tells it like it is.
Screwball: Eh, I kinda wish my parents were like that. I had to learn all the stuff I do through OTHER means.
Lucy: Oh? Such as...?
Screwball: The internet, silly. Now, as soon as Glowy takes the lock off that server box...
Gl1m0: Screwball, I put a mature-filter proxy on our connection for a REASON, you know.
And then, Derpy proceeded to lecture innocent little Dinky on the importance of true love, interpreting the ideal mate, and the many safe sex practices.
Silent: Okay, this story is whacked out! I’m so glad this is almost over!
Gl1m0: TELL me about it; it went from “Meh” to “WTF” in five seconds flat!
Lucy: Well... that’s nothing new, really.
Silent: But out of all the stories in the world, I was less prepared for a Derpy story becoming like that.
Gl1m0: This HAS to be a trollfic... It... it has to be!
Licking the place a girl pees out of wasn’t among them.
Silent: I wonder why? (Insert Very Heavy Sarcasm here)
Screwball: Because of the excuse. (Insert Complete Cluelessness here)
Gl1m0: I just don’t give a shit anymore... (Insert Utter Apathy here)
So yeah, that’s pretty much how her day went so far. Just a normal, average day in Equestria for the Derps.
Gl1m0: Yeah, I’d kind of hesitate to call that “average”!
Silent: Or even normal. This is a dream on acid or something.
Kickin’ back at home, with one leg wrapped around her Dinky, and a kickass muffin cradled in the other.
Lucy: For whatever reason, I’m picturing Derpy in that pose from... what movie was that, again?
Gl1m0: Ah... Tony Montana, from Scarface? Except, you know... minus the cocaine, and gun.
Silent: I’m having a very hard time wanting to just get up and leave now.
Gl1m0: I wouldn’t worry about that too much, we’re just about done...
U jelly, non-Derps?
Lucy: ...Not really, no.
Silent: (Holds up a pic of him and AB) I’m good.
Gl1m0: As much as it pains me to say it... I’d rather keep with what I have now.
Screwball: Awwww, Glowy~!
Gl1m0: ...Oh wait, then there’s YOU, of course.
Silent: Aw, come on, don’t be mean to her now. She’s only having her fun.
Screwball: Ah, whatevs. We love making fun of eachother like this.
Gl1m0: If not for the occasional mindfuck, then for the sheer hell of it.
Silent: (nods) Sounds about right. All right, I should get going then--
Screwball: WAITWAITWAIT! We still have...!
~END~
Screwball: Ka-boom! HAPPY END! ...Okay, now you can go.
Silent: (sighs) I’m so glad I live in the marketplace.
Gl1m0: Well then, that was certainly... something. I don’t think I’d wanna do that again... But anyway, now we can finally dispose of this trash...
Silent: I just throw it in my forge. Sadly, it makes the best swords.
Lucy: You can makes swords out of bad fanfiction?
Silent: Does ANYPONY know how Blacksmithing works other than me?
All: …........
Gl1m0: Er... you hit the hot metal with the... the hammer thing?
Silent: OH DEAR LORD! You need fire to make different metals hot. I burn bad fanfics, thus, FIRE! And sadly, with the different sizes and numbers of papers, it makes the forge work better than ever... I hate explaining that all the time.
Screwball: Hey, that’s makes two of us.
Gl1m0: Well, excuse me. We don’t exactly “get out” often. Speaking of which...
Silent: Discord! We’re done, can I go now?
Discord: (heard in all the room) Not until you apologize.
Silent: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT!
Screwball: Eh, cut him some slack, man. He’s just a boy.
Silent: I’m just the only blacksmith in town, isn’t supposed to belong here, and has a pyro who still gets called out as a marefriend. But he really doesn't cut me much.
Discord: (sighs) Fine, you can go, Silent. But first, all of you have to say something nice about each other.
Screwball: Oh? Pfft, that’s easy. Glowy, you are NOT a nerd, and do NOT need a teddy bear to sleep at night. Lucy, you do NOT wet the bed. And Not-So-Silent person, you are NOT a weirdo!
Gl1m0: ...How are THOSE compliments?
Discord: I’m counting it.
Screwball: SWEET! (sticks tongue out at Gl1m0)
Silent: Okay... Gl1m0 you have a good personality, uh Lucy, you have very great wits, and Screwball...... I like your, uh.... mane.
Screwball: Oh, you do~? Thanks, I shampoo it every day!
Gl1m0: Well... I don’t suppose I’m exempt from this. Silent, as strange as you first appeared to me, you seem like a pretty cool guy. Lucy, although I’m still kind of freaked-the-fuck-out that you can speak now, you’re very kind, and sharp as a tack. And Screwball... uh... you’re... tolerable. That’s all, really. Oh, and uh... thanks for helping Lucy, Silent. I suppose.
Silent: Anytime.
Lucy: ...Oh. Was I supposed to go next? Okay... Gl1m0, you’re very kind to us, despite our eccentricities, and you look after us daily. Screwball, you are just plain BATTY, but that’s exactly why I like you. And Silent... um... thank you again, for what you did.
Silent: I’m pretty sure you guys would done the same for me if I had somepony with me that wasn’t in their right state of mi-- (Discord vanishes him)
Gl1m0: ...Well, that was rather rude.
Discord: I’m the Lord of Chaos! I’ve gotta have my fun sometimes.
Screwball: He’s got a point, Glowy.
Lucy: A bizarre one, to be sure...
Gl1m0: Eh... Well, we’re still stuck, regardless. That “Author” left us here, which I can only assume to be the the surface... but he said it was a whole other dimension...
Screwball: Meh. Dimension, tension, suspension, let’s just explore! Just THINK of what kinds of cool stuff are up here!
Gl1m0: Screwball... you KNOW we can’t do that. We have to get back to the CRF, one way or another. And by god, if those four are still hanging around in there, I have words for them...
Lucy: I would agree, actually... though, I haven’t had a proper chance to really “see” the outside world, even if it’s technically not the same one. I don’t think me acting the way I did in the past really counts as being able to “truly” experience it, so... I want to see everything anew. Start fresh, I suppose.
Gl1m0: …I may never get used to hearing you talk, Lucy.
Lucy: You got used to me as a canine, so it’s not like you can’t adapt again.
Gl1m0: ...True, I guess.
[[Gl1m0 walks over to the door, and starts to push it open.]]
Gl1m0: At least nothing else unexpected happened, right? It was just us that fell through that tear, and those other dudes bailed well before that... (pushes door open fully.) Now then--wait... the hell is going on?
[[Outside is a scene of activity. Numerous ponies appear to be cantering briskly down the recognizable roads of Ponyville, all of whom are heading in the same direction.]]
Gl1m0: ...once again, the hell is going on?
Screwball: Ooh, is this that “parade” thing I’ve heard so much about?!
Lucy: They’re all... talking about stuff.
[[A pair of ponies hurry by, chatting all the way.]]
Cherry Berry: ...can you believe it? I saw it from the balloon this morning! It’s huge!
Carrot Top: I heard it from Colgate just a few minutes ago, actually. Though I didn’t even need to say it, it was right there...
Gl1m0: Uhh... excuse me?
Cherry: Huh? ...Oh! You’re one of those humans! Cool.
Carrot Top: You needed something?
Gl1m0: Yes, um... what is with all the commotion?
Screwball: Is it a parade?!
Carrot Top: Uh... no. You mean you don’t know? Everypony’s been in a stir over it!
Lucy: Over what?
Gl1m0: Yes, what? I’m afraid we’re... er... new? And stuff?
Screwball: All kinds of stuffy stuff.
Cherry: ...Right. Anyway, uh... there’s this huge thing that appeared just outside Ponyville. It looks like it burrowed straight out of the ground, too! Right out of Sweet Apple Acres!
Carrot: It missed my carrot farm, thank Celestia... but I’ve never seem Applejack so upset before. Most of the trees in that area were wrecked.
Gl1m0: ...Um. Big thing, out of the ground. I see.
Screwball: That sounds familiar, eh Glowy?
Gl1m0: (starts to sweat) Uh...
Cherry: Just look over there, it’s huge! You can even see it from here! (points at something across the distance)
[[The three of them turn to look towards where she is pointing, and gape.]]
Gl1m0: Oh...
Screwball: Woah.
Lucy: Uh... I...
[[A positively HUGE machine shaped also like a giant submarine with drills attached is seen in the far distance, half-sticking out of the ground and half-buried in the earth. Uprooted trees are visible around it. A crowd of ponies is seen gathering around it, even from this distance. The three “crew members” of this machine are agape.]]
Gl1m0: ...I never thought I would be this terrified to see the CRF again.
To be continued...
Silent: I just throw it in my forge. Sadly, it makes the best swords.
Lucy: You can makes swords out of bad fanfiction?
Silent: Does ANYPONY know how Blacksmithing works other than me?
All: …........
Gl1m0: Er... you hit the hot metal with the... the hammer thing?
Silent: OH DEAR LORD! You need fire to make different metals hot. I burn bad fanfics, thus, FIRE! And sadly, with the different sizes and numbers of papers, it makes the forge work better than ever... I hate explaining that all the time.
Screwball: Hey, that’s makes two of us.
Gl1m0: Well, excuse me. We don’t exactly “get out” often. Speaking of which...
Silent: Discord! We’re done, can I go now?
Discord: (heard in all the room) Not until you apologize.
Silent: I WAS KIDDING ABOUT THAT!
Screwball: Eh, cut him some slack, man. He’s just a boy.
Silent: I’m just the only blacksmith in town, isn’t supposed to belong here, and has a pyro who still gets called out as a marefriend. But he really doesn't cut me much.
Discord: (sighs) Fine, you can go, Silent. But first, all of you have to say something nice about each other.
Screwball: Oh? Pfft, that’s easy. Glowy, you are NOT a nerd, and do NOT need a teddy bear to sleep at night. Lucy, you do NOT wet the bed. And Not-So-Silent person, you are NOT a weirdo!
Gl1m0: ...How are THOSE compliments?
Discord: I’m counting it.
Screwball: SWEET! (sticks tongue out at Gl1m0)
Silent: Okay... Gl1m0 you have a good personality, uh Lucy, you have very great wits, and Screwball...... I like your, uh.... mane.
Screwball: Oh, you do~? Thanks, I shampoo it every day!
Gl1m0: Well... I don’t suppose I’m exempt from this. Silent, as strange as you first appeared to me, you seem like a pretty cool guy. Lucy, although I’m still kind of freaked-the-fuck-out that you can speak now, you’re very kind, and sharp as a tack. And Screwball... uh... you’re... tolerable. That’s all, really. Oh, and uh... thanks for helping Lucy, Silent. I suppose.
Silent: Anytime.
Lucy: ...Oh. Was I supposed to go next? Okay... Gl1m0, you’re very kind to us, despite our eccentricities, and you look after us daily. Screwball, you are just plain BATTY, but that’s exactly why I like you. And Silent... um... thank you again, for what you did.
Silent: I’m pretty sure you guys would done the same for me if I had somepony with me that wasn’t in their right state of mi-- (Discord vanishes him)
Gl1m0: ...Well, that was rather rude.
Discord: I’m the Lord of Chaos! I’ve gotta have my fun sometimes.
Screwball: He’s got a point, Glowy.
Lucy: A bizarre one, to be sure...
Gl1m0: Eh... Well, we’re still stuck, regardless. That “Author” left us here, which I can only assume to be the the surface... but he said it was a whole other dimension...
Screwball: Meh. Dimension, tension, suspension, let’s just explore! Just THINK of what kinds of cool stuff are up here!
Gl1m0: Screwball... you KNOW we can’t do that. We have to get back to the CRF, one way or another. And by god, if those four are still hanging around in there, I have words for them...
Lucy: I would agree, actually... though, I haven’t had a proper chance to really “see” the outside world, even if it’s technically not the same one. I don’t think me acting the way I did in the past really counts as being able to “truly” experience it, so... I want to see everything anew. Start fresh, I suppose.
Gl1m0: …I may never get used to hearing you talk, Lucy.
Lucy: You got used to me as a canine, so it’s not like you can’t adapt again.
Gl1m0: ...True, I guess.
[[Gl1m0 walks over to the door, and starts to push it open.]]
Gl1m0: At least nothing else unexpected happened, right? It was just us that fell through that tear, and those other dudes bailed well before that... (pushes door open fully.) Now then--wait... the hell is going on?
[[Outside is a scene of activity. Numerous ponies appear to be cantering briskly down the recognizable roads of Ponyville, all of whom are heading in the same direction.]]
Gl1m0: ...once again, the hell is going on?
Screwball: Ooh, is this that “parade” thing I’ve heard so much about?!
Lucy: They’re all... talking about stuff.
[[A pair of ponies hurry by, chatting all the way.]]
Cherry Berry: ...can you believe it? I saw it from the balloon this morning! It’s huge!
Carrot Top: I heard it from Colgate just a few minutes ago, actually. Though I didn’t even need to say it, it was right there...
Gl1m0: Uhh... excuse me?
Cherry: Huh? ...Oh! You’re one of those humans! Cool.
Carrot Top: You needed something?
Gl1m0: Yes, um... what is with all the commotion?
Screwball: Is it a parade?!
Carrot Top: Uh... no. You mean you don’t know? Everypony’s been in a stir over it!
Lucy: Over what?
Gl1m0: Yes, what? I’m afraid we’re... er... new? And stuff?
Screwball: All kinds of stuffy stuff.
Cherry: ...Right. Anyway, uh... there’s this huge thing that appeared just outside Ponyville. It looks like it burrowed straight out of the ground, too! Right out of Sweet Apple Acres!
Carrot: It missed my carrot farm, thank Celestia... but I’ve never seem Applejack so upset before. Most of the trees in that area were wrecked.
Gl1m0: ...Um. Big thing, out of the ground. I see.
Screwball: That sounds familiar, eh Glowy?
Gl1m0: (starts to sweat) Uh...
Cherry: Just look over there, it’s huge! You can even see it from here! (points at something across the distance)
[[The three of them turn to look towards where she is pointing, and gape.]]
Gl1m0: Oh...
Screwball: Woah.
Lucy: Uh... I...
[[A positively HUGE machine shaped also like a giant submarine with drills attached is seen in the far distance, half-sticking out of the ground and half-buried in the earth. Uprooted trees are visible around it. A crowd of ponies is seen gathering around it, even from this distance. The three “crew members” of this machine are agape.]]
Gl1m0: ...I never thought I would be this terrified to see the CRF again.
To be continued...
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