Draklox: Uggh, another day, another hangover. A bit of hair of the dog will fix this.
Sigma: (knocks on door) Hey, you in there?
Draklox: Don’t talk so loud, and who in the wide world of hard liquor are you?
Sigma: It’s Sigma.
Draklox: If you don’t speak quieter I’m gonna use a cannon on you, what do you want?
Sigma: (opens door) What do you mean? You sent ME a letter telling me to come here.
Draklox: *Squints at the bright light coming thru the door* How drunk was I when I sent it?
Sigma: I dunno. Anyway, I am Sigma, dimension traveler, (holds up card) and incredible maniac.
Draklox: And I’m Draklox, drunken old pervert *Holds up card*
Sigma: Anyway, I THINK you sent this. (closes door so Drak can see and hands him the letter)
Draklox: That’s not my handwriting, it’s actually readable.
Sigma: ... Oh, right, you’re drunk, so... (runs to door and opens it, but before he can run away gets pounced on by three fillies)
Scootaloo: Hey, move it, big thingy!
Apple Bloom: Yeah, we gotta get our cutie - (looks around the place)
Sweetie Belle: Why does it smell like Fallen’s armory on his bad days?
Draklox: OH SH...POOP! Why are there children yelling in here? *Hurries to hide all the booze*
Sigma: (runs to door, but it swings and locks) Sonuva (realises there are children) Er, daffodil. Well, -
Scootaloo: Is this another setup of Pinkie’s designs?
Sigma: (holds up finger) Hold up. How do you know about riffing?
Sweetie Belle: We’ve done it before! We did one with Author way back when!
Sigma: That must be horrifying.
Draklox: Great, what horror is the pink menace sending us? *Screams* I can’t even get drunk because of the kids here. *Screams louder* I will have to *Gasp* be sober!
Pinkie: YUP! (Sigma facepalms at her appearance, and she just waves) Welcome to the home of Darklocks, CMC!
Draklox: It’s actually “Draklox.”
Pinkie: That’s what I said, Drakefox! Anyway, this fic is a bit of a silly one! Sweetie, I hope you have sanity.
Draklox: Pinkie, why don’t you stop by later so I can show you how much I appreciate this. *Pulls out a tube of KY jelly*
Apple Bloom: What’s that?
Draklox: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Sigma: Well, what is it?
Draklox: Same answer.
Sigma: Meant the fic, dumbass.
Draklox: Back off, my current BAC is too low for rational thought.
Sweetie Belle: And why did you say me specifically?
Pinkie: It’s Sweetie Poo.
Draklox: Ok, no lube for you evil pink sprit of pain.
Sigma: (sighs) Oh, dear, this is going to be a shi- smelly fic.
Draklox: When I get ahold of Pinkie, the sh...poop is going to hit the fan.
Pinkie: (giggles) Oh, SO MANY PUNS!
(buzzer sounds and Pinkie pops into the tv screen)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Sigma: (knocks on door) Hey, you in there?
Draklox: Don’t talk so loud, and who in the wide world of hard liquor are you?
Sigma: It’s Sigma.
Draklox: If you don’t speak quieter I’m gonna use a cannon on you, what do you want?
Sigma: (opens door) What do you mean? You sent ME a letter telling me to come here.
Draklox: *Squints at the bright light coming thru the door* How drunk was I when I sent it?
Sigma: I dunno. Anyway, I am Sigma, dimension traveler, (holds up card) and incredible maniac.
Draklox: And I’m Draklox, drunken old pervert *Holds up card*
Sigma: Anyway, I THINK you sent this. (closes door so Drak can see and hands him the letter)
Draklox: That’s not my handwriting, it’s actually readable.
Sigma: ... Oh, right, you’re drunk, so... (runs to door and opens it, but before he can run away gets pounced on by three fillies)
Scootaloo: Hey, move it, big thingy!
Apple Bloom: Yeah, we gotta get our cutie - (looks around the place)
Sweetie Belle: Why does it smell like Fallen’s armory on his bad days?
Draklox: OH SH...POOP! Why are there children yelling in here? *Hurries to hide all the booze*
Sigma: (runs to door, but it swings and locks) Sonuva (realises there are children) Er, daffodil. Well, -
Scootaloo: Is this another setup of Pinkie’s designs?
Sigma: (holds up finger) Hold up. How do you know about riffing?
Sweetie Belle: We’ve done it before! We did one with Author way back when!
Sigma: That must be horrifying.
Draklox: Great, what horror is the pink menace sending us? *Screams* I can’t even get drunk because of the kids here. *Screams louder* I will have to *Gasp* be sober!
Pinkie: YUP! (Sigma facepalms at her appearance, and she just waves) Welcome to the home of Darklocks, CMC!
Draklox: It’s actually “Draklox.”
Pinkie: That’s what I said, Drakefox! Anyway, this fic is a bit of a silly one! Sweetie, I hope you have sanity.
Draklox: Pinkie, why don’t you stop by later so I can show you how much I appreciate this. *Pulls out a tube of KY jelly*
Apple Bloom: What’s that?
Draklox: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Sigma: Well, what is it?
Draklox: Same answer.
Sigma: Meant the fic, dumbass.
Draklox: Back off, my current BAC is too low for rational thought.
Sweetie Belle: And why did you say me specifically?
Pinkie: It’s Sweetie Poo.
Draklox: Ok, no lube for you evil pink sprit of pain.
Sigma: (sighs) Oh, dear, this is going to be a shi- smelly fic.
Draklox: When I get ahold of Pinkie, the sh...poop is going to hit the fan.
Pinkie: (giggles) Oh, SO MANY PUNS!
(buzzer sounds and Pinkie pops into the tv screen)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Sweetie Poo, by DontWannaKnow
Sweetie Belle: DontWannaKnow? He’s right about THAT.
Draklox: Oh god, I’ve read some of his other story’s. I don’t think I have enough booze in here for another fun day level story.
Apple Bloom: This does not sound pleasant.
Scootaloo: Please, what we’ve done before is definitely gonna be worse than this.
Draklox: Poor, poor doomed soul. *Gets a glass of OJ and sneakily pours vodka into it*
Chapter 1: Too Much
Sigma: We’re gonna have had too much of this fic by the time it’s over.
Draklox: Its already too much.
Listen Bronies, listen close
Because this shit is pretty gross
Sigma: Incest?
Draklox: Brutal murder?
Apple Bloom: Maybe it’s just, well, you know, poo?
Draklox: *Offers Sweetie a ‘special’ brownie*
Sweetie Belle: BROWNIES! (noms it down)
Sigma: HNNNGH!
Apple Bloom & Scootaloo: Can we have some? Please please pleeeeease?
Draklox: The brownies are for Sweetie but you can have cookies. *Hands out cookies*
Hear me now relate to you
The sad, sad tale of Sweetie Poo
Draklox: And those who must read said tale.
Sigma: Opening with a poem about sh- Er, poo. Wonderful.
Sweetie Belle: Thats not my name.
I’m just your average brony. Okay maybe I own a few more ponies than normal. Yeah, okay, I do style their hair. Alright I have the damn Wedding Castle! There, are you happy. Yes and the RC car. This is not the point of this exercise!
Apple Bloom: This has been another, (sign pops up) Pointless Moment.
Draklox: In a story like this, I hope you got those signs in bulk.
Sigma: I think we can make more if we need more.
Anyway, I have a good life. I’m not depressed or an alcoholic
Draklox: I am!
Apple Bloom: Alcohol? Ain’t that what ya rub on wounds?
Draklox: It’s good for many different kinds of wounds. *Sips my ‘special’ OJ.*
Sigma: (chugs a glass of what looks like water)
Draklox: *Smacks Sigma* There are kids here, at least try to hide your booze.
Sigma: It ain’t booze!
Scootaloo: What’s booze?
Draklox: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Apple Bloom: But, I wanna know NOW.
Draklox and Sigma: NO!
…not that I don’t indulge in the occasional appletini. Yeah I know it’s a gay drink, can we just focus on this story, please?
Scootaloo: Well, why’d you bring it up? Whatever it is.
Apple Bloom: That’s what Spike called my sis when she got poison joked. Is she gonna be in this?
Sigma: (shrugs)
So yeah, brony with a good life. I even have a girlfriend who tolerates my pony obsession. I work at a credit card company. I enjoy pizza. There’s really nothing remarkable about me at all. No, I’m not an unusual person…it just seems that unusual things happen to me. This is the story of one of those things.
Draklox: Yes, things like murdering young kids. And pooping ponies.
Sigma: And Oedipus.
Emma (that’s my girl) and I live in a nice little neighborhood. My only complaint is that there are too many kids. We hate kids.
Sweetie Belle: That’s not nice. Everyone loves us.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie* Well, I know we do right Sigma?
Sigma: Yep!
But still, the omnipresence of those little bastards is a testament to how nice and safe the place is. People don’t even lock their doors at night. Strange and unexpected things never happen…well, almost never.
Draklox: Then there is no story, the end.
Sigma: HAPPY -
Apple Bloom: END!
Sigma: Pinkie taught you that, didn’t she?
Pinkie: OF COURSE!
Sigma: Where did you get the M. Bison costume?
Draklox: Don’t question the pink freak, it only leads to headaches.
-----
I keep odd hours because I work tech support for the company and I don’t get off until midnight. On an average night I come home to find Emma passed out on the couch, bong in hand, enjoying a stony sleep. It’s sweet that she tries to wait up for me, but she just smokes too much weed. Personally I don’t like that stuff…it makes me all paranoid.
And so it was on such a normal night that I came home to this familiar scene. The window was open and it was chilly…it looked like a storm was brewing. I shut it and threw a blanket over my sleeping sweetheart. She stirred slightly when I bent down to brush a strand of blonde hair off her face and give her a peck on the cheek.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie*
Sweetie Belle: YAY!
Sigma: (sniffs air) Anyone smell something?
Draklox: Hush.
I went to the kitchen and opened up the fridge. There was a brown paper bag with my name on it that caught my eye, in which I found a reuben sandwich which I instantly recognized as the work of Joe, my friend who works at the bagel shop down the street. Emma must’ve picked it up for me on her way home. Inside the back there was a note:
Andy-
I am so hungry and stoned right now you have absolutely no idea how much I want to eat this thing. But I won’t, because I love you. Also I expect sex for this.
-Em
Sweetie Belle: Pie for giving him food? Seems reasonable.
Sigma: . . .
Draklox: If there weren't kids around I’d tell you what kind of pie. *Winks*
Well, she’s direct if nothing else. I took my sandwich back to the living room and sat down in the armchair next to Emma’s couch. I flipped the tube on and selected ‘Sisterhooves Social’ from my list of recorded pone. Sweetie Belle is my favorite pony. Word of advice: never tell your asshole brony coworkers that one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders is your favorite pony unless you enjoy having your mailbox flooded with foalcon.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie*
Scootaloo: What’s foalcon?
Sigma: You will NEVER want to know.
Anyway, back to the sandwich. I love reubens, especially cold reubens, so I was quite happy as I sat in front of the television’s soft glow watching Friendship is Magic. I was just about to stuff the last of it in my face when a thunderous boom made me jump out of my seat. Emma awoke with a start as well.
“What the shit was that?”
Apple Bloom: Hey Sigma, what does ‘shit’ mean?
Sigma: Uh... It’s uh... A type of fudge! (realises what happened when author tried this) Oh pi- Er, oh potatoes.
Draklox: U dun goofed.
“I…I don’t know,” I stammered, slightly dazed. That’s when I looked out the window and noticed the tree in our backyard was somewhat uncharacteristically on fire.
Sigma: Really? Uncharacteristically? I thought it was common for trees to be on fire.
Apple Bloom: It wasn’t Bloomberg was it?
It seemed that storm I’d been expecting had struck and the tree had been hit by lightning. That was the only logical explanation I could come up with. Except it wasn’t raining…that was odd. I opened the back door and we went outside to investigate. I grabbed the garden hose and doused the little tree, extinguishing the flames.
“Oh hey, did you get my no…” Emma stopped in mid-sentence. I followed her gaze to the base of the tree and my eyes did that bulgy thing
Sigma: At least the bulge wasn’t in his pants.
Draklox: Not yet.
Scootaloo: What’s that mean?
Draklox: Ask Pinkie.
that eyes tend to do when something totally wack happens.
Draklox: I’d like to whack the author of this story, with an engine block.
In this case I might even go so far as to say the situation was in fact wiggidy-wack.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie*
Sigma: Wiggidy-what now?
Sweetie Belle: What’s wiggidy mean?
There, at the base of the tree, shivering in the night air, was an unmistakable little creature. She was soaking wet…I must have accidentally hit her with the hose.
Sigma: Bow chicka bow-wow!
Draklox: Wow, my thought was he was whipping her with HIS hose.
There was no mistaking this one. It was a little white thing with downy fur and a curly lavender mane. Between the curls of said mane was a small protrusion – a horn. It was a Sweetie Belle. Even Emma knew exactly what it was.
“Um…Andy…call me crazy,
Sigma: “Okay, you’re a crazy madwoman. (slapped) OW!”
but that thing looks exactly like the one in your little girl show…”
Sigma: THAT SHOW IS MANLY, YOU HOO- (composes himself) ...Fine weather we’re having.
Draklox: *Punches Sigma* MANLY THINGS!! *gets bucked by Scootaloo*
Scootaloo: I AM A MAN!
Pinkie: I taught you well, grasshopper.
“I…I…well, shit!” I exclaimed, coming to my senses, “she’s gonna freeze out here, let’s bring her inside!” I took off my coat and swept the shivering little foal up in it. Incredulity and wonder could wait. At that moment I just needed to make sure the poor thing survived. She kicked and squirmed in fear when I picked her up and rushed inside.
Sigma: Who wouldn’t scream in fear at the sight of his face?
CMC: Cutie Mark Crusader Face Punchers YAY!
In the light I could see she was filthy – her fur was stained brown and red. Dirt and blood. Who would do this to a foal? I put her shivering little body in the sink and ran some hot water, washing the dirt off and warming her up. She squeaked and wriggled around, trying to escape me, but I managed to hold on. When I was done Emma was waiting for me with a fluffy towel to wrap the little pony in. She was still trembling; the poor creature was terrified. The second I loosened my grip on her she leapt out of my lap and ran to the far corner of the room, curling up into a ball and crying.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie*
Sigma: What’s with you and brownies?
Draklox: Wait for it.
“Wait, it’s okay!” I called after her. “We’re not going to hurt you!”
Sweetie Belle: “We’re just gonna murder and skin you alive!”
Draklox: SWEETIE BELLE!
Apple Bloom: Blame Pinkie for making us read the fanfiction!
Draklox: I’ll add it to my list of things I dislike about her.
I slowly made my way towards her, her tremors becoming more violent the closer I got. I reached out to try and comfort her. When my fingers touched her she shook violently, soiled herself, and began bawling uncontrollably.
“It’s not my fault!” she sobbed.
Sweetie Belle: “I didn’t mean to nuke Equestria!”
Apple Bloom: “And the whole eating the princesses thing? I was framed, I tell you!”
Draklox: *Old school Tom and Jerry voice* Don’t you believe it.
“Don’t worry, of course it isn’t, you’re just scared…”
“You don’t understand! I can’t help it!” She let out a mournful wail. I knew animals crapped themselves when they were scared, and I figured a sentient being would be embarrassed by such a thing, but she was howling as if it were the end of the world.
“It’s okay,” I reassured her, “just calm…well…just…what’s your name?” I already knew the answer, but it was the only thing I could come up with.
Draklox: *Gives Sweetie another brownie*
Sigma: So, he knows that she’s gonna leave brown everywhere?
Draklox: What can Brown do for you.
“Sweepoo,” she mumbled, hiding behind her bushy tail.
“What?” I was slightly confused.
“Sweetie Poo!” she cried, releasing a fresh downpour of tears and soiling herself again.
Sigma: . . . Excuse me. (walks into the bathroom and glass breaking is heard)
“I…but…wait, you’re Sweetie Belle, right?”
“N-Nobody calls me that a-anymore,” she whimpered.
“Why, what happened?” I was very concerned now. Clearly she’d been mistreated.
“B-because I…” she soiled herself a third time “…because I POOP TOO MUCH!”
Sweetie Belle: *Clutches her stomach* Where’s your bathroom?
Draklox: Over there. *Points at a door*
Sweetie Belle: *Voice cracking* Thank you *Launches herself at full speed to the bathroom*
Draklox: The old Ex Lax brownie prank, it’s not too mean to pull on kids but still funny for adults.
Sigma: . . . Drak, what are you doing?
Draklox: A better prank than cotton candy for brains over there.
Chapter 2: Huggies
“Wait WHAT?!” Emma exclaimed from behind me.
Sweetie Belle…or Poo…looked at her with big glossy, watery eyes. “I poo everywhere and I can’t help it! Everypony got mad and they put me in the school for special ponies but I kept pooing and Princess Celestia banished me from Equestria!” She resumed her sobbing. I was about to put a comforting hand on her when she went rigid and her eyes bulged. “Oh no! Oh no! I gonna spoo!”
All except Drak: . . . WHAT.
Draklox: SPOOOOOOOOON!!!!
“Spoo…?”
“It’s when I sneeze and…OH NO!”
Several things happened at once. Sweetie sneezed a violent sneeze, a jet stream of poo came rocketing out of her butt, and there was a loud thump. I tried to dodge the barrage of dookie, but it was no use. I managed to cover my face but that’s about it. I was covered in pony shit. When I opened my eyes the entire corner of the room was covered in crap and Sweetie was nowhere to be seen. Sweet Celestia!, I thought, she exploded!.
Sweetie Belle: HAPPY END!
“UP HERE!” came a squeaking voice. I followed the sound of the squealing upward to see Sweetie stuck up next to a light fixture, her horn lodged in the ceiling. Her head was bleeding and she was weeping and thrashing about. Her flailing must’ve loosened her horn because she fell back to the ground, releasing a terrified poop tsunami in the process.
“WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” Emma yelled. She hadn’t escaped the explosion either. She ran to the bathroom and I could hear her retch.
Scootaloo: Hey, why is he mentioning pie alternatives?
Draklox: Ask Pinkie later.
Apple Bloom: So she wants a fudge pie?
Sweetie Belle: Or a pie with fudge on it?
Meanwhile, Sweetie lay upon the floor, covered in her own excrement, hollering and clutching at her bleeding skull. I picked her up and took her back to the sink for a rinse.
“Now,” I addressed her, “what the flaming hell was that?” As I cleaned her off I could see her cheeks were crimson. She was mortified.
“It’s…it’s my special talent,” she hung her head.
“Wait, so your special talent is explosive diarrhea?”
Sweetie Belle: Wait, “shit” means poo?
Sigma: Umm... BLAME AUTHOR! (jumps out a window)
Draklox: He’ll be back.
Apple Bloom: This author must have gotten his words wrong, Sigma wouldn’t lie to us.
Babs: Oh, really?
Apple Bloom: BABS! (hug tackles her)
Babs: Hiya, Apple Bloom! Anyway, I’ve worked with Sigma before, so I wouldn’t put it past him to lie. I think he got the idea from Author. Remember the last fic you riffed with him?
Scootaloo: Yeah, the one with weird pies!
Babs: Well, (explains everything)
CMC: ...Ewwwwww!
“Yeah…”
“That…sucks,” I finished lamely.
“It’s not fair!” She lamented, “even Scootaloo got a better cutie mark than me!”
Scootaloo: What was mine?
Draklox: You really don’t want to know.
“What…what happened?” I was honestly curious.
“I was trying to learn how to use magic good,” I chose to ignore her improper grammar, “and right when my horn started to glow Apple Bloom and Scootaloo burst into the clubhouse and scared me so much I pooped myself, and somehow it created poo magic!
Draklox: So, if we use canon, she created new magic. All hail Princess Sweetie Belle, princess of shit.
Sweetie Belle: What? (sprouts small wings)
Princess Sweetie Belle: AAAAAHHHHHHH! WHAT’S GOING ON?!
Apple Bloom: OH MAH CELESTIA! Yer a princess!
Scootaloo: A... A princess of poo.
Sigma: Well, nice going Drak. You made a pony into a shit princess, literally.
Draklox: At least she got her Cutie Mark.
Sigma: It’s shit. Her cutie mark is shit. (points gun) What kind of buttfuckery magic is this you have created?!
Draklox: Don’t ask me, I didn’t write this shitty story.
Then I couldn’t stop pooping! Rarity kicked me out of the house and nobody would let me stay with them because I poop too much.” The little pony was crying again. As I cleaned her off I noticed her cutie mark. You can guess what it was. Talk about adding insult to injury.
Draklox: Wound salt anyone?
Princess Sweetie Belle: No thanks, I have had enough shit for one day.
“And then,” she continued, “it got so bad that nopony wanted to be my friend anymore!” She pooped a sorrowful poop. “Scootaloo and Apple Bloom beat me up and everypony chased me out of Ponyville.
Princess Sweetie Belle: *Wimpers* You gals wouldn’t do that to me, would you?
Apple Bloom: We’d never do that to you Sweetie.
Scootaloo: Yeah, even if you did start pooping all over we’d still be your friends.
Draklox: And now my heart has stopped. *Gets another ‘special” glass of OJ.*
Sigma: (uses an adrenaline needle on his heart)
Twilight tried to help me…she even brought me to the princess but I pooed all over the princess and she banished me to here!”
Draklox: Yeah, because the princess in this is so caring.
Princess Celestia: *Pops in* I’d never do that to one of my subjects! *Pops out*
Sigma: (holds up a small pad that now has a light flashing on it) Gotcha, bitch...
What. The. Fuck.
Draklox: I’ve been asking that since the beginning.
-----
It’s every brony’s fondest dream: the My Little Dashie scenario.
Draklox: Not for me, I prefer the Xenophilia scenario.
Sigma: I prefer the “Not a Brony” scenario.
A fantasy in which you find your favorite pony and get to love and take care of her and watch her grow. And it came true for me. The only problem is my favorite pony turned out to be a borderline retard with a massive incontinence problem.
Princess Sweetie Belle: I don’t think this author likes me very much
Draklox: He doesn't like any of you at all.
Scootaloo: This guy is the real king of shit here.
Apple Bloom: Hear hear!
Sigma: . . . Babs did this, didn’t she?
Apple Bloom: Better question is, how did you get back?
Sigma: Umm... Er, ahh... Well, you see, the thing is - HEART! (punches Draklox)
Three months have passed since I found Sweetie Poo. Emma moved out long ago. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday:
“Either that shitting retard goes, or I go!” She fumed.
“But I can’t just…”
“Then I’m out. Call me when you’ve had your fill of shit.”
Draklox: Talk about a shitty relationship. *gets pelted with waste*
Princess Sweetie Belle: That was a terrible pun, and never has there been a worse one.
Babs: (pops out of wall) YOU RHYMED! (hugs Princess Sweetie)
I’ve had to make several…modifications to my home in order to cope with Sweetie’s problem. Everything is covered in plastic. I installed an industrial strength exhaust fan in the ceiling to deal with the smell. It’s loud, but it’s better than the alternative.
Draklox: The alternative being a diaper.
Princess Sweetie Belle: I don’t want to wear diapers!
Sigma: Well, then stay in the bathroom and use a mic!
At least I’ve taught Sweetie to clean up her own poo. She’s not smart enough to do a very good job, but at least she tries. She poops when she is happy, sad, angry, frustrated, excited, or scared, so she’s pretty much pooping all the time and therefore spends most of her days mopping the place up. At first she tried to use magic to clean it up, but every time she tries to do a spell she poops, thus defeating the purpose.
Draklox: Churchill: We will defeat them on the beaches, we will defeat them in the skies, we will defeat them on their....purpose’s?
I almost lost her the other day. You know those silly signs on the sides of water buckets that say small children can drown in them? I always thought those were laughable until Sweetie Poo. I came home from work the other night to find her upside-down in a pail with about two inches of water in it screaming and choking as a fountain of dookie sprayed from her backside, painting the ceiling brown. Two inches of water, and it almost killed her.
Scootaloo: I’m thirsty. *Drinks Drak’s ‘special’ OJ* Eww, this tastes funny.
Draklox: What tastes fun...*Sees Scootaloo drinking his OJ*...oh shit, Rainbow’s gonna kill me.
Scootaloo: I feel kinda funny.
Rainbow Dash: *From screen* Drak, what was in that OJ?
Draklox: Ummmmm......... 100 proof vodka.
Rainbow Dash: You’re so dead.
Sigma: So, very, VERY screwed.
I’ve tried teaching her some basic reading, writing, and math that a filly her age would be learning in school. I’ve tried being a good parent, but as you have probably already surmised she has the relative I.Q. of a wet soup cracker, and if I try to teach her anything, especially math (or num-bars, as she calls them), she just gets frustrated and shits herself.
Draklox: So this Sweetie is dumb and incontinent. *Looks at Scootaloo* Get down from there!
Scootaloo: WHEEEEEE!!!!
Sigma: Drak, you fucked up, big time.
Draklox: I didn’t give it to her, she took it!
Apple Bloom: Um, you better get her down from that light.
Draklox: Don’t worry, god loves drunks and babies, so she’ll be fine.
Last night I was sitting on my plastic-covered couch, mourning the life I once had, when a crestfallen looking Sweetie approached me. Her tiny brain must’ve registered something because she seemed to understand I was upset.
Draklox: Because all retards can sense emotions.
Sigma: Sense: none.
“What’s wrong Andy?” She asked.
“Nothing, Sweetie, I’m just tired.”
“You’re sad because the mean lady left,” she referred to my ex-girlfriend, “and it’s my fault.” She hung her head and pooped a little. “I’m sorry I poo so much…”
Draklox: *Has heart attack*
“It’s not your fault…” She looked so sad I couldn’t bear it and I scooped her up into a hug.
“I get huggies!”
Draklox: Finally this guy gets smart and puts diapers on her.
Princess Sweetie Belle: But *Sniffles* diapers are for babies.
Apple Bloom: And we aren’t babies.
Sigma: We know that, but does this fuck?
“Everybody needs huggies sometimes, Sweetie Belle,” I told her. She smiled wide and bounced in my lap when I used her real name. And in that moment, with that innocent little foal beaming up at me, I almost felt like it was all worth it.
Scootaloo: I can fly girls, with the room spinning like this I can get enough speed to take off. I’m gonna do a boomrain sonic!
Sigma: NO! (lunges after her but slips on spilled beer)
Draklox: Do a backflip!
Then she shat all over me.
Scootaloo: Hey girls, watch this. *Jumps off the counter, wings flapping, and falls on her head, knocking herself out*
Apple Bloom: Oh my Celestia, is she ok?
Draklox: She’s not bleeding, so she’s ok.
Sigma: DAMMIT DRAK!
Sigma: How is she?
Draklox: She’ll be fine. She was drunk, so she was limp when she fell.
Apple Bloom: How could ya let this happen?!
Draklox: How was I supposed to know she’d take my drink?
Apple Bloom: She better not be hurt!
Dash: *From screen* If she’s hurt.....
Draklox: Yeah I know. But it looks like she just knocked herself out. She didn’t fall that far. And the carpet in here is pretty soft. And it was party girl there that sent them in here in the first place.
Scootaloo: Ugh... What happened? (gets hug tackled by other CMC)
Apple Bloom: YER ALRIGHT!
Princess Sweetie Belle: Thank Celestia!
Draklox: Told ya she’d be fine.
Dash: You’re lucky. But... (bucks Drak anyway) That’s for getting Scootaloo drunk. Be glad ponies have different reactions to human liquor.
Draklox: I still say it wasn’t my fault. I don’t go drinking from other peoples drinks.
Sigma: Whatever ya madman.
(The klaxon goes off)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Draklox: She’ll be fine. She was drunk, so she was limp when she fell.
Apple Bloom: How could ya let this happen?!
Draklox: How was I supposed to know she’d take my drink?
Apple Bloom: She better not be hurt!
Dash: *From screen* If she’s hurt.....
Draklox: Yeah I know. But it looks like she just knocked herself out. She didn’t fall that far. And the carpet in here is pretty soft. And it was party girl there that sent them in here in the first place.
Scootaloo: Ugh... What happened? (gets hug tackled by other CMC)
Apple Bloom: YER ALRIGHT!
Princess Sweetie Belle: Thank Celestia!
Draklox: Told ya she’d be fine.
Dash: You’re lucky. But... (bucks Drak anyway) That’s for getting Scootaloo drunk. Be glad ponies have different reactions to human liquor.
Draklox: I still say it wasn’t my fault. I don’t go drinking from other peoples drinks.
Sigma: Whatever ya madman.
(The klaxon goes off)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Chapter 3: Pepper
Woke up with a nasty headache…too many appletin…I KNOW IT’S A GAY DRINK SHUT UP!
Sigma: We didn’t say shit.
Draklox: Drink like a man. *Chugs down a fifth of Bacardi 151*
Apple Bloom: What was that stuff?
Draklox: Ask Big Mac.
Anyway, Sweetie was already up, watching FiM.
When she had initially discovered the show I feared a My Little Dashie-esque existential crisis. I carefully explained to her the nature of her existence in her dimension and this one, hoping that she could comprehend it all without blowing a gasket. She’d responded by excitedly screaming “PONIES!” and running headlong into the TV screen, knocking herself unconscious.
Sigma: T.V. wins. K.O. Flawless Victory!
Now she spends Saturday mornings sitting in front of the television yelling at the cartoon characters and wondering why they can’t hear her.
Draklox: I yell at the TV all the time, what’s wrong with that?
Sigma: Maybe the fact that you aren’t a pony that thinks the show is a portal home because it shows everything in your world.
“SCOOTALOO! APPLE BLOOM! IT’S ME SWEETIE! I’M HERE!” she shouted, waving her hooves about madly. When her friends “ignored” her she sat back on her haunches and pooped in frustration. After sitting for a spell she finally noticed her accident and went to grab the mop.
Draklox: Cleanup on aisle 3.
Sigma: You’d think in the toiletries section, they’d be kind enough to use the nearby tools.
She began dutifully cleaning the floor, only she kept pooing herself as she mopped, and eventually ended up going in a giant circle as she moved from one mess to the next. It was a sad sight to watch.
Draklox: The circle of shit.
Sigma: (singing) It’s the circle of shiiiit~!
I tried to go back to sleep but the smell was so awful I had to get up and turn on the exhaust fan. I was tired. Not just hung over tired, I was tired of this horrible fate that had been thrust upon me.
Draklox: Please don’t say thrust when talking about foals.
Sigma: Dammit Draklox!
Sometimes I secretly wished she would just drown in the mop bucket or the bathtub (I still have yet to make her understand that you aren’t supposed to inhale when you’re underwater).
Draklox: She’s not that dumb at all. Infact I think she’s very intelligent for her age. All of them are.
Once again something must’ve clicked in Sweetie’s tiny brain.
Princess Sweetie Belle: ... I can’t say this. Babs?
Babs: Okay! Ahem; FUCK YOU!
“Andy? Are you sad?” she asked as I haphazardly peppered my bacon and eggs.
“Nope,” I lied, “just tired.”
“Andy I sorry, I’m a bad pony. BAD PONY!” She bopped herself on the head with a hoof. It was utterly sad and adorable.
Sigma & Babs: FUCK YOU AGAIN!
Draklox: FUCK YOU WITH A RUSTY RAKE TURNED SIDEWAYS!
“It’s okay Sweetie Belle, let’s just have some breakfast.” I smiled. For all her problems, she was a sweet little filly, and I was glad to have her. She never gave up, no matter how bad things got, and I admired that. Who cares what her special talent is, I thought, she has a good heart. I grabbed an extra plate and divvied up the scrambled eggs so we could both have some, then I went and joined her where she sat on the floor.
Sigma: So, raise your hands or hooves if you feel like this is gonna fuck up.
(All raise their hands/hooves)
“Don’t worry Sweetie, I love you,” I said while hugging her.
“I wuv you too Andy!” She hugged me back and actually managed not to poop with excitement. I was grateful, it would’ve ruined my appetite. We both proceeded to tuck into our eggs.
Sigma: Murphy’s Law in 3...
Suddenly, I remembered the pepper, but I was too late.
Sigma: 2...
“Ah…pepper…ah…make…Sweetie…
Sigma: 1...
CHOOOO!”
Several things happened at once. I saw white, I saw brown, I heard a sickening crunch, and I saw red.
Draklox: Three guesses what it is.
Apple Bloom: Mashed potatoes, tomato sauce, and chocolate cake?
Scootaloo: Ice cream, juice, and rice?
Princess Sweetie Belle: (whimpers) Me?
The white was Sweetie as she went rocketing up towards the ceiling.
Princess Sweetie Belle: (inhales)
Scootaloo: Haha, ahaha, uh, damn. Uh, he, uh, he went too far.
The brown was the giant jet stream of shit that propelled her upwards.
Apple Bloom: Uh, Sweetie? You okay?
Princess Sweetie Belle: Girls, I need a bit of space.
Apple Bloom: Uh-oh.
Scootaloo: I think she’s gonna blow.
The sickening crunch and the ensuing red was Sweetie gettting sucked into the exhaust fan, which acted like a Cuisinart, shredding her into pony giblets. Little bits of bone and organs rained down on me in the midst of of a bloody mist. I just kept eating my eggs.
Draklox: All the bits to the sweet princess.
Princess Sweetie Belle: DontWannaKnow, you NO GOOD MOTHER -! (rooster crows)
Draklox: Damn, I don’t think anyone’s ever made her that mad!
I guess the shit hit the fan.
(Klaxon goes off)
Princess Sweetie Belle: Finally.
Apple Bloom: You okay, Sweetie?
Scootaloo: Yeah, you scared us for a moment.
Princess Sweetie Belle: I’m fine, girls.
Draklox: At least Sweetie went out with a bang. *gets pelted with fish*
Princess Sweetie Belle: You know what? (throws off wings like they were cardboard)
Sweetie Belle: I am not gonna just stick around to humor you!
Draklox: Aww, I’m sorry. Would a cookie make you feel better?
Sweetie Belle: ...Okay! (happily noms the cookies)
Scootaloo: That wasn’t bad, but it was dumb.
Apple Bloom: So, the cookies weren’t spiked, right?
Draklox: Nope.
Sigma: Be glad that worked, Drak. Oh, and, one thing, we won’t do this kind of shit just to keep you entertained again.
Draklox: Don’t blame me, blame bubble butt on the screen.
Pinkie: It wasn’t that bad was it?
Draklox: As long as this ended with the girls mildly sane and not crying excessively, I’m ok with it.
Sigma: Well, wanna be roommates? I have nothing else to do, and I don’t wanna live with Sing.
Draklox: Sure, just don’t bother me when I’m in the bathroom.
Sigma: Why the hell would I do that?
Draklox: That’s the rule.
Sigma: Deal. (they shake hands and the CMC get teleported out by Pinkie)
Pinkie: G’night, folks!
Sigma: Pinkie, no breaking the fourth wall!
Draklox: And now what am I going to do with this? *Holds up the tube of KY jelly* Oh well. Next time, Pinkie, next time.
Pinkie: Seeya, Drokpox! (TV turns off)
Sweetie Belle: I am not gonna just stick around to humor you!
Draklox: Aww, I’m sorry. Would a cookie make you feel better?
Sweetie Belle: ...Okay! (happily noms the cookies)
Scootaloo: That wasn’t bad, but it was dumb.
Apple Bloom: So, the cookies weren’t spiked, right?
Draklox: Nope.
Sigma: Be glad that worked, Drak. Oh, and, one thing, we won’t do this kind of shit just to keep you entertained again.
Draklox: Don’t blame me, blame bubble butt on the screen.
Pinkie: It wasn’t that bad was it?
Draklox: As long as this ended with the girls mildly sane and not crying excessively, I’m ok with it.
Sigma: Well, wanna be roommates? I have nothing else to do, and I don’t wanna live with Sing.
Draklox: Sure, just don’t bother me when I’m in the bathroom.
Sigma: Why the hell would I do that?
Draklox: That’s the rule.
Sigma: Deal. (they shake hands and the CMC get teleported out by Pinkie)
Pinkie: G’night, folks!
Sigma: Pinkie, no breaking the fourth wall!
Draklox: And now what am I going to do with this? *Holds up the tube of KY jelly* Oh well. Next time, Pinkie, next time.
Pinkie: Seeya, Drokpox! (TV turns off)