FP Riffs 13: The Works of Troll
I still remember fondly my riff of “The worst Fanfic EVER.” My first use of Applejack and Rarity, my first use of a riffer outside of the mane six (namely, Vinyl Scratch), my first and only(?) use of a pop-in cameo (from Derpy Hooves, who got a full break to herself in the following riff), my shortest solo riff to date (not counting my crossover with NaturalGlitch), and the first riff I managed to complete in less than a day (and the only one I did alone with that honor). Couple of landmarks there. Love me some landmarks.
The author, as you may recall, was Troll, whose typical writing style is basically outright stated by his name. Nonsense, nothing written for the sake of writing an actual story. Basically, the reason FIMFiction even has a Random tag.
Well, I feel bad for not coming back to visit his works sooner, even though I planned to ever since I did the marathon and realized I could take riffing a bunch of shit at once. I kind of miss targeting stories with more likes than dislikes, too. Thus... this. Now, which stories do we have for you today?
“That One Time The Ponies Did That One Thing At That Place.” One I saw in the featured box one day and threw into my queue immediately.
“Twilight finds a book of puns.” Another one that got featured time (fucking “Pony X a Y” stories...) and the one with the best like/dislike ratio.
“Sex. Sex Everywhere.” The one with the WORST like/dislike ratio, being the only one of his stories with a downvote majority (though at the time of writing, it’s nearly broken even).
“Human In Equestria Story: Featuring A Human.” His parody of a concept that I’ve made no secret of being sick to death of.
Well, let’s not waste anymore time. Set the soothing tunes of Eduard Khil on an infinite loop, because it’s Troll time!
The author, as you may recall, was Troll, whose typical writing style is basically outright stated by his name. Nonsense, nothing written for the sake of writing an actual story. Basically, the reason FIMFiction even has a Random tag.
Well, I feel bad for not coming back to visit his works sooner, even though I planned to ever since I did the marathon and realized I could take riffing a bunch of shit at once. I kind of miss targeting stories with more likes than dislikes, too. Thus... this. Now, which stories do we have for you today?
“That One Time The Ponies Did That One Thing At That Place.” One I saw in the featured box one day and threw into my queue immediately.
“Twilight finds a book of puns.” Another one that got featured time (fucking “Pony X a Y” stories...) and the one with the best like/dislike ratio.
“Sex. Sex Everywhere.” The one with the WORST like/dislike ratio, being the only one of his stories with a downvote majority (though at the time of writing, it’s nearly broken even).
“Human In Equestria Story: Featuring A Human.” His parody of a concept that I’ve made no secret of being sick to death of.
Well, let’s not waste anymore time. Set the soothing tunes of Eduard Khil on an infinite loop, because it’s Troll time!
Fallen Prime: Ah, peace and quiet. The countrysides are nice, the plants are singing and the birds and the sun is almost down from the top of the sky... nothing could ruin this moment.
(The armory doors are blasted open by a devastating beam of pure dubstep.)
Vinyl Scratch: AWW YEAH! GUESS WHO’S BACK!
Fallen: Fuck. It’s you.
Vinyl: Yep! Just got my bass cannon fixed, and that test shot was bucking AWESOME!
Fallen: On the downside, I need new doors. What are you even doing here?
Vinyl: Oh, nothing. Just thought I’d drop by. Oh, and I had somepony I wanted you to meet. Come on in, Octy!
(Octavia cautiously steps over the debris and enters the armory.)
Octavia: Must you make a scene every time we go anywhere?
Vinyl: Nah, it’s cool, this guy knows me.
Octavia: That doesn’t justify destruction of property! (turns to Fallen) I’m dreadfully sorry for my friend’s behavior. She’s a little... eccentric.
Fallen: I know. I’ve met her before. You’re... Octavia Philharmonica, right? The cellist?
Octavia: I am. I didn’t think I had enough of a reputation for it to precede me... a fan of my work, I take it?
Fallen: Not... really. I don’t do classical. But I’m familiar with your ensemble’s performance at the Grand Galloping-
(He’s cut off by a blip as the TV turns on, revealing Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.)
Fallen: Oh wow, the noise thing works!
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi, everypo-WHOA! What happened to the doors?
Fallen: Your DJ friend happened to them.
Vinyl: Hey, Pinkie Pie! I missed you at Las Pegasus.
Pinkie: Sorry about that, Scratchie. Primey here kept me to do an MST of “The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis,” so I was stuck and couldn’t go!
Octavia: …“Primey?”
Fallen: The name’s actually Fallen Prime. Pinkie’s just fond of nicknames.
Octavia: Wait a moment... Vinyl, you’re friends with her!?
Vinyl: Yeah. Everypony is. Why?
Octavia: Pinkie Pie was the one who disrupted my performance at the Gala! Harpo was so upset that he wouldn’t even speak to any of us for a week!
Vinyl: How exactly is that different from any other time?
Fallen: Christ. Get a room, you two. Why are you even talking to us right now, Pinkie?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) I think I can answer that for you.
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: But- how did- the doors are on the fucking ground!
Pinkie: I know, right? Hey, do you remember “The worst Fanfic EVER?”
Fallen: First contact with DJ Dumbass over here? Yeah, that was kind of memorable.
Vinyl: There was an insult in there somewhere, but I’m gonna take the other half as a compliment.
Dash: I hope you’re not sick of seeing that quality of writing, because we have four more of Troll’s stories for you!
Octavia: Vinyl, what are they talking about?
Vinyl: Oh, Pinkie likes to do this thing where she traps that Fallen guy and a couple of ponies in here to look at shitty stories.
Octavia: ...WE’RE a couple of ponies.
Vinyl: Well, I’m flattered, but aren’t we moving a little too-
Octavia: And WE’RE trapped with Fallen.
Vinyl: ...oh.
Fallen: Yep. You ladies had better strap yourselves in, because if I know Troll half as well as I think I do, then we’re in for a wild ride.
Dash: You have NO idea. And first on the list is a story called “That One Time The Ponies Did That One Thing At That Place!”
Octavia: Specificity must not be this author’s strong suit.
Fallen: Wait, Vinyl, can you blast the doors again, since they apparently magically fixed themselves?
Vinyl: Nope. Damn thing needs to charge.
Octavia: So we really ARE trapped.
Fallen: Oh, you’ll live. Probably not with your ability to think rationally intact, but you’ll live.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen: We’ve got story sign!
Octavia: Is THAT what that is?
Vinyl: Just go with it, it’s easier!
(The armory doors are blasted open by a devastating beam of pure dubstep.)
Vinyl Scratch: AWW YEAH! GUESS WHO’S BACK!
Fallen: Fuck. It’s you.
Vinyl: Yep! Just got my bass cannon fixed, and that test shot was bucking AWESOME!
Fallen: On the downside, I need new doors. What are you even doing here?
Vinyl: Oh, nothing. Just thought I’d drop by. Oh, and I had somepony I wanted you to meet. Come on in, Octy!
(Octavia cautiously steps over the debris and enters the armory.)
Octavia: Must you make a scene every time we go anywhere?
Vinyl: Nah, it’s cool, this guy knows me.
Octavia: That doesn’t justify destruction of property! (turns to Fallen) I’m dreadfully sorry for my friend’s behavior. She’s a little... eccentric.
Fallen: I know. I’ve met her before. You’re... Octavia Philharmonica, right? The cellist?
Octavia: I am. I didn’t think I had enough of a reputation for it to precede me... a fan of my work, I take it?
Fallen: Not... really. I don’t do classical. But I’m familiar with your ensemble’s performance at the Grand Galloping-
(He’s cut off by a blip as the TV turns on, revealing Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.)
Fallen: Oh wow, the noise thing works!
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi, everypo-WHOA! What happened to the doors?
Fallen: Your DJ friend happened to them.
Vinyl: Hey, Pinkie Pie! I missed you at Las Pegasus.
Pinkie: Sorry about that, Scratchie. Primey here kept me to do an MST of “The Tail (Get It ;P) Of pRince Martin Willis,” so I was stuck and couldn’t go!
Octavia: …“Primey?”
Fallen: The name’s actually Fallen Prime. Pinkie’s just fond of nicknames.
Octavia: Wait a moment... Vinyl, you’re friends with her!?
Vinyl: Yeah. Everypony is. Why?
Octavia: Pinkie Pie was the one who disrupted my performance at the Gala! Harpo was so upset that he wouldn’t even speak to any of us for a week!
Vinyl: How exactly is that different from any other time?
Fallen: Christ. Get a room, you two. Why are you even talking to us right now, Pinkie?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) I think I can answer that for you.
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: But- how did- the doors are on the fucking ground!
Pinkie: I know, right? Hey, do you remember “The worst Fanfic EVER?”
Fallen: First contact with DJ Dumbass over here? Yeah, that was kind of memorable.
Vinyl: There was an insult in there somewhere, but I’m gonna take the other half as a compliment.
Dash: I hope you’re not sick of seeing that quality of writing, because we have four more of Troll’s stories for you!
Octavia: Vinyl, what are they talking about?
Vinyl: Oh, Pinkie likes to do this thing where she traps that Fallen guy and a couple of ponies in here to look at shitty stories.
Octavia: ...WE’RE a couple of ponies.
Vinyl: Well, I’m flattered, but aren’t we moving a little too-
Octavia: And WE’RE trapped with Fallen.
Vinyl: ...oh.
Fallen: Yep. You ladies had better strap yourselves in, because if I know Troll half as well as I think I do, then we’re in for a wild ride.
Dash: You have NO idea. And first on the list is a story called “That One Time The Ponies Did That One Thing At That Place!”
Octavia: Specificity must not be this author’s strong suit.
Fallen: Wait, Vinyl, can you blast the doors again, since they apparently magically fixed themselves?
Vinyl: Nope. Damn thing needs to charge.
Octavia: So we really ARE trapped.
Fallen: Oh, you’ll live. Probably not with your ability to think rationally intact, but you’ll live.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen: We’ve got story sign!
Octavia: Is THAT what that is?
Vinyl: Just go with it, it’s easier!
Inside of the town in which the ponies lived, the weather was neither splendid nor horrid on the specific day that this story describes.
Octavia: I feel like I’m right there in that setting. True brilliance.
After some general chit chat between the six friends, all of whom belonged to the pony species, they came to the conclusion that a certain activity must be carried out before the day's end in order to engage in the act of "fun".
Vinyl: Psh. Not enough bass and glowsticks.
Thus, the ponies exited through a device in the wall of the home of one of the ponies and proceeded down a thing. The thing brought them to another thing in which, after a certain amount of time, opened and allowed the six previously metioned beings into the establishment. Inside the establishment three of the total of six ponies engaged in an activity.
Fallen: I can picture it vividly.
In the activity there were a certain set of rules of which must be followed. The game also dictated objectives in order for a winner to be declared.
Vinyl: Well, they need to win a game. That's something, right?
Octavia: Hardly.
After an unspecified amount of time of engaging in this activity it was stopped and the winner was declared. After a short moment the six friends decided to have a fun time doing something. Obtaining the necessary objects to start the something they did it. It was fun.
Octavia: For given variable definitions of "fun."
Fallen: And no one said it was fun to read.
A couple unspecified time units later, the unspecified beings engaged in yet another unspecified activity. In this activity an unspecified round thing was bounced of the things of choice of the beings that engaged in the activity and tossed around a circular ring of beings in which fun was obtained. The being of unspecified color being won the thing.
Vinyl: Whoa. Too much info.
One of these beings had a name. They also had a gender: female. This female being of a certain species had a name that began with the letter T.
Fallen: So this one's Twilight Sparkle.
She enjoyed doing things that required another thing to transfer information to the other thing in an act that required both the things to do something, therefore allowing her to do the thing.
Vinyl: Kinda sounds like a whore.
Octavia: VINYL!
Fallen: Wow, it wasn't me this time.
She loved doing the thing, she even owned a thing in which she kept all the things which were used to do the thing that she liked so much.
Vinyl: And she... kidnaps her clients?
After winning the thing that the beings were engaging in, the being whose name begins with T felt an emotion. This emotion led to an act which expressed the emotion in a visible way for the other five of her friends to view and determine which emotion was being expressed.
Fallen: Most emoting is like that.
Suddenly the cloudy skies are cleared, and everything is no longer foggy. It becomes apparent that the six beings are actually Twilight Sparkle and her friends, and the unidentified place is Ponyville, and the unspecified time is 4:30 on a Monday. The temperature is exactly seventy-eight degrees Fahrenheit and it is sunny. There are exactly 432 residents in Ponyville and exactly 500 bird residents.
Octavia: So it compensates for its lack of specificity... by becoming too specific.
Fallen: Well, yeah. Troll logic.
On this very specific day at this very specific time Twilight Sparkle and her friends went to Sugar Cube Corner to engage in some fun activities which included talking, eating, and waiting for something interesting to happen.
Fallen: It’s Ponyville. That place is a magnet for interesting.
Suddenly the door bursts open. It's George W. Bush, he's wearing a beret.
Octavia: ...what.
"Why are you wearing a beret, George?" says Twilight. Cupcakes start flying from the counter of Sugar Cube Corner. They're everywhere, engulfing Bush.
Fallen: Pinkie’s victims getting cannibalistic revenge?
Vinyl: Best. Revenge. EVER!
Suddenly the roof turns into soup and drenches the ponies.
Octavia: And yet the structure still stands.
Twilight is a cat now. She's allergic to cats.
Vinyl: That’s really gotta suck.
She reaches out for the magical pole of wonder but misses and falls into the boat. Inside the boat there is a map.
Fallen: As is the logical progression of things.
"Map."
Who said that.
Vinyl: The story did. Duh.
The cat takes the map but it melts into a dozen doves. Applejack falls from the sky. She's a whale now. The boat explodes and Twilight falls backwards into my house.
Octavia: Where is the logic in any of-
Vinyl: Doesn’t matter. Awesome.
"Hello Twilight," I say. She's a cat, but she's allergic to cats. Twilight starts to sneeze Pinkie Pie.
Fallen: I don’t think Pinkie physics extends to being able to be sneezed by other ponies.
I don't understand what's going on because I'm typing the story but I'm staring at Twilight at the same time. My fingers keep typing while Twilight continues to sneeze. I can't stop, the words keep coming.
Fallen: That can’t be healthy. Though compulsive writing would explain a hell of a lot.
Twilight trots up to me,
Octavia: Because cats can trot.
she has stopped sneezing. Now I'm a cat. We're both allergic to cats. A rock flies in through the window with the message "Kill yourself" on it.
"Thanks mom!" I yell.
Octavia: What awful parenting!
Vinyl: I don’t think he minds.
She responds, but I'm a cat. Cats don't talk. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: Just in case you forgot.
There is a short moment where we both start to lick our fur but then Pinkie Pie becomes a lion. I don't know what's going on anymore.
Octavia: Oh, you don’t know.
I jump for the closet but the earth is already tearing apart beneath me. The door opens and I jump, barely clawing my way up onto solid ground and sprinting out the door. I'm not a cat anymore.
Vinyl: Wow, that was a close one! Imagine what would’ve happened if he stayed a cat!
Fallen: Not much more than sneezing, I’d have to guess.
I make my way to the nearest grocery store. Twilight follows me. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: I’ve noticed.
Inside the grocery store the food is laughing at me but there is no time for shenanigans.
Vinyl: Why not? Talking food makes for the best shenanigan-ing!
Octavia: The best what?
I fall into a shopping cart and it starts to move. I start to move.
Octavia: That tends to be a consequence of the thing you’re in moving.
The moms are staring at me because I'm in a shopping cart while simultaneously not in a shopping cart. A cute girl walks up to me but I ignore her, she was ugly.
Fallen: He’s dealing in contradictions now too. But considering the last story I saw by him involved several mentions of waffles, I can’t be surprised anymore.
Four minutes later I'm outside the store with cat Twilight and we're both singing the same song.
Octavia: Twilight is a cat.
Twilight is a little flat but the cars are going about 120 miles per hour and there's no time to stop. We sprint across the highway. Twilight is a cat.
Vinyl: Hey, Octy just said that!
My socks start to fall off. I'm allergic to socks.
Fallen: Then why were you wearing them? Why do you even OWN any?
I start to sneeze but only manage to spin around in a circle. For a moment I'm a marmoset but then it fades to grey and I'm back to being a human.
Vinyl: What drugs is this guy on, and why do I not have any of them?
Octavia: I will send you to rehab if you so much as TOUCH any of those substances.
Twilight jumps into the portal but I stay, I have a family to take care of. I wipe back the tears and take a shower. I hug the nearest tree and it hugs me back.
Fallen: Well, Fluttershy’s actually pretty friendly.
There's no time to waste, the storm is coming. I run as fast as I can, my heart is pumping, there aren't any street lights but that's okay because I brought my jar of fireflies.
Octavia: Which was never mentioned until now.
It isn't night yet. There are no cars on the street so I make it back to the warehouse safely.
Vinyl: BACK to the warehouse? Was he ever anywhere near one?
The drug dealer is waiting for me there. I slip him a twenty dollar bill and he slips me a kazoo.
Fallen: The hardest drug of all.
I play the kazoo and hear the cry of four thousand eagles. The eagles swoop down and eat the roof of the warehouse. Four of them fly down and grasp my jacket, lifting me into the sky.
Octavia: So. This is all... happening.
I don't look down, looking down is for the weak. I am not weak.
Vinyl: Dude, you’re getting carted off by a bunch of birds. You’re not that strong either.
I look down and see my parents in a hotel playing a game of Scrabble. My father is winning by three points but it's my mom's turn and she has the opportunity to spell the word "eyebrows" and shoot ahead, but also has an opportunity to set herself up for a triple word bonus if she can hold it until the next turn.
Fallen: Don’t act like Scrabble is some intense pulse-pounder of a game.
It's a risky situation. I start to sweat. My shirt starts to sweat. A beach ball hits me in the face and I blink twice.
Vinyl: The extra’s for good luck.
I lose sight of the game and never find out who won. I shed a tear, but it's made of ketchup. The eagles let me go and I activate the parachute.
Octavia: Ketchup? Parachute? WHAT IS THIS!?
After the short fall down to earth I run back into my house. Pinkie Pie did something while I was gone.
Vinyl: She’s always up to something.
"I need to tell Celestia!" I yell, busting down the door to my house and running in carrying my battle axe and wearing my fanny pack.
Vinyl: ...that’s lame and awesome at the same time. I don’t know how to take that.
I rush to the computer and type something, opening a program titled "PEN15".
Fallen: How mature.
Inside the program there is a cracker. I eat the cracker. I think about how the 115 calories from the cracker
Octavia: One cracker? What did they put in there!?
might be bad for my diet but recall healthy breakfast and allow the treat as a reward for eating healthily this morning. Unluckily the cracker was a cat. I am a cat. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: Cat-ception.
We're both allergic to cats.
Vinyl: Oh yeah, they are! I forgot about that!
The portal opens and I jump in. Now I'm in Equestria.
Fallen: And shame on you for expecting anything else.
I run for the castle but one of the clouds falls out of the sky and blocks my path. The cute girl from the grocery store is back, but now she's a cat.
Octavia: Is the story trying to give itself continuity?
I push her aside and say,"This is too dangerous for you. Tell my kids I love them."
Octavia: He lives with his mother. I doubt he’s managed to start his own family.
Vinyl: Are you saying it couldn’t happen?
I reach into my pocket and pull out a rifle.
Fallen: If you have a pocket-sized rifle, I want to know where the fuck you got it so I can get one myself.
Vinyl: Get me one too!
Fallen: Are you even legally allowed to own guns?
Vinyl: I had to exploit a few loopholes, but yes. Why else do you think I have a bass cannon?
The monster is approaching. I wipe away another tear and run forward. The monster whips me with a vine but I shoot it in the eye and it explodes.
Octavia: I think my sanity is bleeding.
Fallen: Yeah, that happens.
My hearing is lost for a short moment but it comes back. Twilight is there. She's a cat. The other ponies are there, including Applejack.
Fallen: Let me guess. They’re cats too.
Octavia: Why was Applejack worthy of special mention?
I check my breast pocket and pull out my packet of crayons.
"Only thirty-two crayons left," I say despairingly,"There isn't much time left."
Octavia: ONLY thirty-two? How large is the packet? How can it fit in his pocket!?
Applejack nods her head and so do the other ponies.
Fallen: They’re all joined by a hive mind.
I put the crayons back into my breast pocket and look at the castle that is far away.
Vinyl: Oh yeah, right, there’s a castle!
I pull my hat over my head a little bit more to hide my eyes, and then in a flash I look back up and start to run. I run as fast as I can. I jump and the bridge starts to close.
Fallen: I have no goddamn idea what’s happening.
Vinyl: Who cares? It’s buckin’ awesome!
"NOOO!" I yell. Twilight uses her magic to teleport me to the other side. She jumps over the gap
Octavia: Rather than teleporting herself?
and joins me with her friends by her side. We run to the castle. I feel my fingers turn into sausages and then back into fingers.
Vinyl: They would never have made it if he didn’t do that.
I toss a crayon into the portal and it completes the complex. We are safe for another two minutes. My crayon box slowly starts to empty.
Fallen: Wait, are the crayons telling time!?
Canterlot looks really big, but there's no time to lose.
Octavia: Did those thoughts belong in the same sentence?
I grab hold of Twilight's tail and say the magic words. Bright lights shoot down from the sky and I grow angel wings.
Fallen: If this is a Garzey’s Wing crossover, I’m killing everyone involved with the making of it.
Octavia: What, of this Garzey’s Wing thing or the story?
Fallen: Yes.
I flap them powerfully and push myself forward. The ponies follow me. Celestia is on the balcony and sees me coming. She flies down from the castle to meet me.
Vinyl: And then send him to the moon!
Fallen: Stop putting hope in my head!
I land on the ground, pounding my fist into the grass and make cracks go everywhere. Twilight and her friends land next to me. Celestia lands in front of me and my eyes become dinner plates.
Vinyl: They eat sandwiches off them. It’s delicious.
Twilight is a cat.
I'm allergic to cats.
Octavia: Yes, I know, you’ve established that.
Celestia opens her wings. I sneeze three times.
Vinyl: Her wings are cats.
Octavia: He’s allergic to cats.
I fall backwards and the spaghetti flows from my pockets. Celestia backs away as the spaghetti flows out of my pockets.
Fallen: Wait, why spaghetti? Everyone knows rotini is the superior pasta!
I take of my shirt and try to clean the spaghetti but it just gets worse. I'm crying now. My mouth starts to foam and my tears mix with the spaghetti.
Octavia: And nothing happens, since the tears and spaghetti can’t exactly join together.
I try to unzip my pants but I can't. All I can do is roll around in the spaghetti while crying. Twilight falls over.
Vinyl: Shit! Now they’re all doomed!
Octavia: Why, because Twilight fell?
Vinyl: Duh! Haven’t you been paying attention?
I curl up into a ball and cry more, the spaghetti falling out of my pockets still. My t-shirt is covered in the meat sauce that trickles down my leg.
Octavia: I'm sorry, but... MEAT sauce?
Fallen: Omnivores, bitch.
Suddenly my underwear becomes uncomfortable from all the sauce in it. I cry some more and ask Celestia to eat my t-shirt.
Vinyl: She's half goat on her mother's side.
She says no. I'm sucked down into the spaghetti.
Fallen: And nothing of value was lost that day.
Suddenly I'm back in my house, with my t-shirt back on and everything is back to normal.
Octavia: There's a word I never thought I'd see again.
I take a step forward but Twilight the cat is there. I trip. I fall backwards and the spaghetti flows from my pockets.
Octavia: Is this the end? That was... rather abrupt.
Fallen: Well, this is where I normally take a break, so you can hopefully try to relax a bit.
Octavia: I feel like I’m right there in that setting. True brilliance.
After some general chit chat between the six friends, all of whom belonged to the pony species, they came to the conclusion that a certain activity must be carried out before the day's end in order to engage in the act of "fun".
Vinyl: Psh. Not enough bass and glowsticks.
Thus, the ponies exited through a device in the wall of the home of one of the ponies and proceeded down a thing. The thing brought them to another thing in which, after a certain amount of time, opened and allowed the six previously metioned beings into the establishment. Inside the establishment three of the total of six ponies engaged in an activity.
Fallen: I can picture it vividly.
In the activity there were a certain set of rules of which must be followed. The game also dictated objectives in order for a winner to be declared.
Vinyl: Well, they need to win a game. That's something, right?
Octavia: Hardly.
After an unspecified amount of time of engaging in this activity it was stopped and the winner was declared. After a short moment the six friends decided to have a fun time doing something. Obtaining the necessary objects to start the something they did it. It was fun.
Octavia: For given variable definitions of "fun."
Fallen: And no one said it was fun to read.
A couple unspecified time units later, the unspecified beings engaged in yet another unspecified activity. In this activity an unspecified round thing was bounced of the things of choice of the beings that engaged in the activity and tossed around a circular ring of beings in which fun was obtained. The being of unspecified color being won the thing.
Vinyl: Whoa. Too much info.
One of these beings had a name. They also had a gender: female. This female being of a certain species had a name that began with the letter T.
Fallen: So this one's Twilight Sparkle.
She enjoyed doing things that required another thing to transfer information to the other thing in an act that required both the things to do something, therefore allowing her to do the thing.
Vinyl: Kinda sounds like a whore.
Octavia: VINYL!
Fallen: Wow, it wasn't me this time.
She loved doing the thing, she even owned a thing in which she kept all the things which were used to do the thing that she liked so much.
Vinyl: And she... kidnaps her clients?
After winning the thing that the beings were engaging in, the being whose name begins with T felt an emotion. This emotion led to an act which expressed the emotion in a visible way for the other five of her friends to view and determine which emotion was being expressed.
Fallen: Most emoting is like that.
Suddenly the cloudy skies are cleared, and everything is no longer foggy. It becomes apparent that the six beings are actually Twilight Sparkle and her friends, and the unidentified place is Ponyville, and the unspecified time is 4:30 on a Monday. The temperature is exactly seventy-eight degrees Fahrenheit and it is sunny. There are exactly 432 residents in Ponyville and exactly 500 bird residents.
Octavia: So it compensates for its lack of specificity... by becoming too specific.
Fallen: Well, yeah. Troll logic.
On this very specific day at this very specific time Twilight Sparkle and her friends went to Sugar Cube Corner to engage in some fun activities which included talking, eating, and waiting for something interesting to happen.
Fallen: It’s Ponyville. That place is a magnet for interesting.
Suddenly the door bursts open. It's George W. Bush, he's wearing a beret.
Octavia: ...what.
"Why are you wearing a beret, George?" says Twilight. Cupcakes start flying from the counter of Sugar Cube Corner. They're everywhere, engulfing Bush.
Fallen: Pinkie’s victims getting cannibalistic revenge?
Vinyl: Best. Revenge. EVER!
Suddenly the roof turns into soup and drenches the ponies.
Octavia: And yet the structure still stands.
Twilight is a cat now. She's allergic to cats.
Vinyl: That’s really gotta suck.
She reaches out for the magical pole of wonder but misses and falls into the boat. Inside the boat there is a map.
Fallen: As is the logical progression of things.
"Map."
Who said that.
Vinyl: The story did. Duh.
The cat takes the map but it melts into a dozen doves. Applejack falls from the sky. She's a whale now. The boat explodes and Twilight falls backwards into my house.
Octavia: Where is the logic in any of-
Vinyl: Doesn’t matter. Awesome.
"Hello Twilight," I say. She's a cat, but she's allergic to cats. Twilight starts to sneeze Pinkie Pie.
Fallen: I don’t think Pinkie physics extends to being able to be sneezed by other ponies.
I don't understand what's going on because I'm typing the story but I'm staring at Twilight at the same time. My fingers keep typing while Twilight continues to sneeze. I can't stop, the words keep coming.
Fallen: That can’t be healthy. Though compulsive writing would explain a hell of a lot.
Twilight trots up to me,
Octavia: Because cats can trot.
she has stopped sneezing. Now I'm a cat. We're both allergic to cats. A rock flies in through the window with the message "Kill yourself" on it.
"Thanks mom!" I yell.
Octavia: What awful parenting!
Vinyl: I don’t think he minds.
She responds, but I'm a cat. Cats don't talk. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: Just in case you forgot.
There is a short moment where we both start to lick our fur but then Pinkie Pie becomes a lion. I don't know what's going on anymore.
Octavia: Oh, you don’t know.
I jump for the closet but the earth is already tearing apart beneath me. The door opens and I jump, barely clawing my way up onto solid ground and sprinting out the door. I'm not a cat anymore.
Vinyl: Wow, that was a close one! Imagine what would’ve happened if he stayed a cat!
Fallen: Not much more than sneezing, I’d have to guess.
I make my way to the nearest grocery store. Twilight follows me. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: I’ve noticed.
Inside the grocery store the food is laughing at me but there is no time for shenanigans.
Vinyl: Why not? Talking food makes for the best shenanigan-ing!
Octavia: The best what?
I fall into a shopping cart and it starts to move. I start to move.
Octavia: That tends to be a consequence of the thing you’re in moving.
The moms are staring at me because I'm in a shopping cart while simultaneously not in a shopping cart. A cute girl walks up to me but I ignore her, she was ugly.
Fallen: He’s dealing in contradictions now too. But considering the last story I saw by him involved several mentions of waffles, I can’t be surprised anymore.
Four minutes later I'm outside the store with cat Twilight and we're both singing the same song.
Octavia: Twilight is a cat.
Twilight is a little flat but the cars are going about 120 miles per hour and there's no time to stop. We sprint across the highway. Twilight is a cat.
Vinyl: Hey, Octy just said that!
My socks start to fall off. I'm allergic to socks.
Fallen: Then why were you wearing them? Why do you even OWN any?
I start to sneeze but only manage to spin around in a circle. For a moment I'm a marmoset but then it fades to grey and I'm back to being a human.
Vinyl: What drugs is this guy on, and why do I not have any of them?
Octavia: I will send you to rehab if you so much as TOUCH any of those substances.
Twilight jumps into the portal but I stay, I have a family to take care of. I wipe back the tears and take a shower. I hug the nearest tree and it hugs me back.
Fallen: Well, Fluttershy’s actually pretty friendly.
There's no time to waste, the storm is coming. I run as fast as I can, my heart is pumping, there aren't any street lights but that's okay because I brought my jar of fireflies.
Octavia: Which was never mentioned until now.
It isn't night yet. There are no cars on the street so I make it back to the warehouse safely.
Vinyl: BACK to the warehouse? Was he ever anywhere near one?
The drug dealer is waiting for me there. I slip him a twenty dollar bill and he slips me a kazoo.
Fallen: The hardest drug of all.
I play the kazoo and hear the cry of four thousand eagles. The eagles swoop down and eat the roof of the warehouse. Four of them fly down and grasp my jacket, lifting me into the sky.
Octavia: So. This is all... happening.
I don't look down, looking down is for the weak. I am not weak.
Vinyl: Dude, you’re getting carted off by a bunch of birds. You’re not that strong either.
I look down and see my parents in a hotel playing a game of Scrabble. My father is winning by three points but it's my mom's turn and she has the opportunity to spell the word "eyebrows" and shoot ahead, but also has an opportunity to set herself up for a triple word bonus if she can hold it until the next turn.
Fallen: Don’t act like Scrabble is some intense pulse-pounder of a game.
It's a risky situation. I start to sweat. My shirt starts to sweat. A beach ball hits me in the face and I blink twice.
Vinyl: The extra’s for good luck.
I lose sight of the game and never find out who won. I shed a tear, but it's made of ketchup. The eagles let me go and I activate the parachute.
Octavia: Ketchup? Parachute? WHAT IS THIS!?
After the short fall down to earth I run back into my house. Pinkie Pie did something while I was gone.
Vinyl: She’s always up to something.
"I need to tell Celestia!" I yell, busting down the door to my house and running in carrying my battle axe and wearing my fanny pack.
Vinyl: ...that’s lame and awesome at the same time. I don’t know how to take that.
I rush to the computer and type something, opening a program titled "PEN15".
Fallen: How mature.
Inside the program there is a cracker. I eat the cracker. I think about how the 115 calories from the cracker
Octavia: One cracker? What did they put in there!?
might be bad for my diet but recall healthy breakfast and allow the treat as a reward for eating healthily this morning. Unluckily the cracker was a cat. I am a cat. Twilight is a cat.
Fallen: Cat-ception.
We're both allergic to cats.
Vinyl: Oh yeah, they are! I forgot about that!
The portal opens and I jump in. Now I'm in Equestria.
Fallen: And shame on you for expecting anything else.
I run for the castle but one of the clouds falls out of the sky and blocks my path. The cute girl from the grocery store is back, but now she's a cat.
Octavia: Is the story trying to give itself continuity?
I push her aside and say,"This is too dangerous for you. Tell my kids I love them."
Octavia: He lives with his mother. I doubt he’s managed to start his own family.
Vinyl: Are you saying it couldn’t happen?
I reach into my pocket and pull out a rifle.
Fallen: If you have a pocket-sized rifle, I want to know where the fuck you got it so I can get one myself.
Vinyl: Get me one too!
Fallen: Are you even legally allowed to own guns?
Vinyl: I had to exploit a few loopholes, but yes. Why else do you think I have a bass cannon?
The monster is approaching. I wipe away another tear and run forward. The monster whips me with a vine but I shoot it in the eye and it explodes.
Octavia: I think my sanity is bleeding.
Fallen: Yeah, that happens.
My hearing is lost for a short moment but it comes back. Twilight is there. She's a cat. The other ponies are there, including Applejack.
Fallen: Let me guess. They’re cats too.
Octavia: Why was Applejack worthy of special mention?
I check my breast pocket and pull out my packet of crayons.
"Only thirty-two crayons left," I say despairingly,"There isn't much time left."
Octavia: ONLY thirty-two? How large is the packet? How can it fit in his pocket!?
Applejack nods her head and so do the other ponies.
Fallen: They’re all joined by a hive mind.
I put the crayons back into my breast pocket and look at the castle that is far away.
Vinyl: Oh yeah, right, there’s a castle!
I pull my hat over my head a little bit more to hide my eyes, and then in a flash I look back up and start to run. I run as fast as I can. I jump and the bridge starts to close.
Fallen: I have no goddamn idea what’s happening.
Vinyl: Who cares? It’s buckin’ awesome!
"NOOO!" I yell. Twilight uses her magic to teleport me to the other side. She jumps over the gap
Octavia: Rather than teleporting herself?
and joins me with her friends by her side. We run to the castle. I feel my fingers turn into sausages and then back into fingers.
Vinyl: They would never have made it if he didn’t do that.
I toss a crayon into the portal and it completes the complex. We are safe for another two minutes. My crayon box slowly starts to empty.
Fallen: Wait, are the crayons telling time!?
Canterlot looks really big, but there's no time to lose.
Octavia: Did those thoughts belong in the same sentence?
I grab hold of Twilight's tail and say the magic words. Bright lights shoot down from the sky and I grow angel wings.
Fallen: If this is a Garzey’s Wing crossover, I’m killing everyone involved with the making of it.
Octavia: What, of this Garzey’s Wing thing or the story?
Fallen: Yes.
I flap them powerfully and push myself forward. The ponies follow me. Celestia is on the balcony and sees me coming. She flies down from the castle to meet me.
Vinyl: And then send him to the moon!
Fallen: Stop putting hope in my head!
I land on the ground, pounding my fist into the grass and make cracks go everywhere. Twilight and her friends land next to me. Celestia lands in front of me and my eyes become dinner plates.
Vinyl: They eat sandwiches off them. It’s delicious.
Twilight is a cat.
I'm allergic to cats.
Octavia: Yes, I know, you’ve established that.
Celestia opens her wings. I sneeze three times.
Vinyl: Her wings are cats.
Octavia: He’s allergic to cats.
I fall backwards and the spaghetti flows from my pockets. Celestia backs away as the spaghetti flows out of my pockets.
Fallen: Wait, why spaghetti? Everyone knows rotini is the superior pasta!
I take of my shirt and try to clean the spaghetti but it just gets worse. I'm crying now. My mouth starts to foam and my tears mix with the spaghetti.
Octavia: And nothing happens, since the tears and spaghetti can’t exactly join together.
I try to unzip my pants but I can't. All I can do is roll around in the spaghetti while crying. Twilight falls over.
Vinyl: Shit! Now they’re all doomed!
Octavia: Why, because Twilight fell?
Vinyl: Duh! Haven’t you been paying attention?
I curl up into a ball and cry more, the spaghetti falling out of my pockets still. My t-shirt is covered in the meat sauce that trickles down my leg.
Octavia: I'm sorry, but... MEAT sauce?
Fallen: Omnivores, bitch.
Suddenly my underwear becomes uncomfortable from all the sauce in it. I cry some more and ask Celestia to eat my t-shirt.
Vinyl: She's half goat on her mother's side.
She says no. I'm sucked down into the spaghetti.
Fallen: And nothing of value was lost that day.
Suddenly I'm back in my house, with my t-shirt back on and everything is back to normal.
Octavia: There's a word I never thought I'd see again.
I take a step forward but Twilight the cat is there. I trip. I fall backwards and the spaghetti flows from my pockets.
Octavia: Is this the end? That was... rather abrupt.
Fallen: Well, this is where I normally take a break, so you can hopefully try to relax a bit.
Fallen: Alright. Impressions. Vinyl?
Vinyl: That might be the most badass thing I’ve ever seen.
Fallen: You weren’t around for “My Little PONEY,” so I have to disagree with you there. Octavia?
Octavia: You... read these. On a regular basis. They’re all this bad.
Fallen: No, they’re usually worse. I think after “pRince Martin Willis,” Pinkie decided to not do something too brain-meltingly ohgodwhy.
Octavia: That still sounds like an apt description for this story.
Fallen: ...good point, but not what I was thinking of. There’s usually more bad sex and gore in the stories she sends my way.
Octavia: How can you stand it!? Such poor quality over so much time...
Fallen: Actually, I don’t mind Troll that much. His stories are usually amusingly random. If I couldn’t stand amusingly random, I wouldn’t be on such good terms with Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie: (from TV) Aww, thanks, Primey!
Octavia: Well, regardless, you still seem to have something resembling sanity after something like this. That’s rather impressive.
Fallen: You haven’t seen HALF of what I’ve seen. You’d be scarred for life.
Vinyl: I take that as a challenge. What HAVE you seen?
Fallen: Oh, let’s see... four ponies sewn ass to mouth, massive futa orgy, Saw-level Scootabuse, alicorn OCs that turn into fighter jets, giant Discord with internal organs straight out of the craziest hentai, graphic castration, Pinkie molesting foals, a long, LONG string of orchestrated rapes... I could easily go on if-
Octavia: NO! You’ve said quite enough.
Vinyl: Yeah, I’m starting to think I’m not gonna be able to sleep at night ever again. And that’s ignoring what I actually do for a living.
Fallen: Challenge failed, then. And I still managed to keep my... well, it’s hard for me to actually say it with a straight face, but I like to THINK I managed to keep my sanity.
Octavia: Forgive me if I’m not too convinced of that.
Fallen: You hang around Vinyl. You don’t get to be a judge on sanity.
Vinyl: Taking that as a compliment and wearing it as a badge of pride!
Fallen: How the hell do you put up with her?
Octavia: I ask myself the same question every day...
Pinkie: I’m sure Scratchie’s not THAT bad!
Octavia: You don’t share an apartment with her.
Dash: (from TV) And you still haven’t killed each other?
Octavia: Not for lack of trying...
Pinkie: Well, anyway, it’s time for the next story, “Twilight finds a book of puns!”
Fallen: Hey, I know this one!
Octavia: Oh sweet princess... I can already tell I’ll be aggravated beyond words.
Vinyl: Don’t act like that’s anything new, Octy.
Octavia: (rolls eyes and sighs)
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Vinyl: That might be the most badass thing I’ve ever seen.
Fallen: You weren’t around for “My Little PONEY,” so I have to disagree with you there. Octavia?
Octavia: You... read these. On a regular basis. They’re all this bad.
Fallen: No, they’re usually worse. I think after “pRince Martin Willis,” Pinkie decided to not do something too brain-meltingly ohgodwhy.
Octavia: That still sounds like an apt description for this story.
Fallen: ...good point, but not what I was thinking of. There’s usually more bad sex and gore in the stories she sends my way.
Octavia: How can you stand it!? Such poor quality over so much time...
Fallen: Actually, I don’t mind Troll that much. His stories are usually amusingly random. If I couldn’t stand amusingly random, I wouldn’t be on such good terms with Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie: (from TV) Aww, thanks, Primey!
Octavia: Well, regardless, you still seem to have something resembling sanity after something like this. That’s rather impressive.
Fallen: You haven’t seen HALF of what I’ve seen. You’d be scarred for life.
Vinyl: I take that as a challenge. What HAVE you seen?
Fallen: Oh, let’s see... four ponies sewn ass to mouth, massive futa orgy, Saw-level Scootabuse, alicorn OCs that turn into fighter jets, giant Discord with internal organs straight out of the craziest hentai, graphic castration, Pinkie molesting foals, a long, LONG string of orchestrated rapes... I could easily go on if-
Octavia: NO! You’ve said quite enough.
Vinyl: Yeah, I’m starting to think I’m not gonna be able to sleep at night ever again. And that’s ignoring what I actually do for a living.
Fallen: Challenge failed, then. And I still managed to keep my... well, it’s hard for me to actually say it with a straight face, but I like to THINK I managed to keep my sanity.
Octavia: Forgive me if I’m not too convinced of that.
Fallen: You hang around Vinyl. You don’t get to be a judge on sanity.
Vinyl: Taking that as a compliment and wearing it as a badge of pride!
Fallen: How the hell do you put up with her?
Octavia: I ask myself the same question every day...
Pinkie: I’m sure Scratchie’s not THAT bad!
Octavia: You don’t share an apartment with her.
Dash: (from TV) And you still haven’t killed each other?
Octavia: Not for lack of trying...
Pinkie: Well, anyway, it’s time for the next story, “Twilight finds a book of puns!”
Fallen: Hey, I know this one!
Octavia: Oh sweet princess... I can already tell I’ll be aggravated beyond words.
Vinyl: Don’t act like that’s anything new, Octy.
Octavia: (rolls eyes and sighs)
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
"Hm, well this is interesting."
Fallen: Oh, THAT’S a good sign.
Twilight's horn glowed as she pulled a dusty old book out of one of the shelves.
Vinyl: There’s seriously a book in her library she left alone long enough for it to collect dust? As if.
Stuck all the way in the corner of the library, the shelf wasn't used much, and the books weren't usually read.
Vinyl: Again, as if.
Octavia: I highly doubt she has enough time for every book in that library.
However, Twilight had read mostly all of the books in the library, including all the new ones that had just come in the day before.
Octavia: THAT I can believe, but how many of them does she RE-read?
This book was dusty, and Twilight had never seen it before.
Fallen: The dust had hidden it from sight.
Vinyl: Whoa! There was that much!?
She blew on the cover, pushing a sheet of dust off of it and revealing the title.
"The Equestrian Dictionary of Puns?"
Octavia: She found the book of puns. Story over.
Fallen: The blurb on the back says “It’s pun-tastic!” (smacked by Octavia)
Vinyl: Your humor’s a bit dusty, Fallen. (smacked by Octavia) RUSTY! I meant rusty! (smacked by Fallen)
she said, brushing off the book of any remaining dust.
Fallen: Your library isn’t complete without The Book of Any Remaining Dust.
The book was large, almost the size of the normal dictionary,
Octavia: Are there really that many puns in existence?
Fallen: I... actually wouldn’t doubt it.
and it had pages filled with spaced out puns. Twilight delved into the book, opening to the first page and reading quickly.
Fallen: She remained in that library for thirty years. Every time her friends tried to check in on her, she was still reading the damn book.
By the time it was noon, she had already finished the entire book.
Fallen: Or... that.
Vinyl: She started at 11:59.
Inside her head puns bounced around, covering her mind. She looked around, and every object she saw was now an object of pun.
Octavia: Has she ever been this corrupted by something she read?
Vinyl: Wouldn’t surprise me.
Looking at the clock, she saw that it was about noontime and that she had promised to meet her friends near the fountain in the central square. Placing the book back into the shelf, she trotted out of the library and toward the fountain.
Vinyl: I don’t think she’s safe to let loose on the world. As such, I think this is the best idea she’s ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey girls!" called Twilight, trotting up to her group of friends as they waited for her by the fountain.
Vinyl: No puns? Story, I’m disappointed in you.
"Hey Twilight, how's it going?" said Rainbow Dash, stopping her conversation with Applejack.
"It's not two bad," said Twilight, staring at the fountain behind them. "Water you up to?"
Fallen: IT BEGINS.
Octavia: Those puns don’t really work. They’re much too similar to the original phrases, and there’s no emphasis on the words she’s toying with.
"Nothing much, we were actually just planning to go by the beach a couple minutes outside of Ponyville, want to come?"
Vinyl: Who doesn’t?
Octavia: VINYL!
"I'd love to, as long as it doesn't take a mile to get there."
Vinyl: ...that’s not funny.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Fallen: “I’m just trying to piss off everyone in existence.”
The ponies all agreed that going to the beach would be the best idea on such a hot day, so they began their trek.
Fallen: Captain’s Log. Stardate: right the hell now.
They trotted through Ponyville, going through the central square that was bustling with ponies. Applejack decided to stop and buy an apple for a snack.
Octavia: What of the rest of them? They’re not worthy of her consideration?
"One apple, please," said Applejack, sliding one bit to the pony behind the stand. She came back with two apples, even though the sign said that it was one bit per apple.
Octavia: ...so she paid two bits.
Fallen: Obvious “shave and a haircut” joke, and we’re moving on.
Applejack picked the apples one at a time, eating one whole right as she took it off of the stand.
Fallen: Just to taunt the ponies who wouldn’t be eating that day.
"I thought that each apple was one bit? How did you get two?" said Rarity as Applejack chewed on her apple.
Vinyl: She had two bits on her. Not that hard, lady.
"She must be an in-cider in the apple business," chimed Twilight.
Octavia: This is painful to read.
Vinyl: You could say it’s... unBEARable!
Fallen: ...there was no reason for that.
Applejack swallowed her apple. "Twilight's right, us here apple growing folks are in the business together, which means discounts."
Fallen: Much more financially advisable than the “sorry about letting Apple Bloom near the store” discount.
Rarity nodded. "It's nothing like that in the fashion business."
"That's probably because it's sew competitive, every fashion designer wants their competition's store to clothes."
Vinyl: Why is she still talking? These puns are starting to get on my nerves.
Octavia: Took long enough...
"I suppose you're right Twilight."
Octavia: “Fashion IS a rather cutthroat industry.”
Vinyl: “Millions die every year.”
Twilight frowned. None of her friends were picking up on her brilliant use of puns. She had to up the usage, and fast, if she wanted the dictionary to be of any use to her.
Fallen: It was good for a chuckle when you read it through the first time. You don’t need to use every goddamn pun in the book.
The ponies exited Ponyville and entered a forest filled with tall trees that were spaced out just enough as to allow the sunlight to come through.
Vinyl: Then it’s not filled, now is it?
"Wood you look at this, leaf it to nature to make paths like these beautiful," said Twilight, looking around at everything around her. "I'm not so frond of these ferns, but that's oak, because if yew look around the trees spruce things up."
Fallen: Dibs on killing her.
Vinyl: HEY! I wanted to do it!
"Twilight, stop using puns," said Rainbow Dash.
Octavia: I think Rainbow Dash may be the best character in this story thus far.
"You've noticed?" said Twilight, a smile coming to her face.
"We've all noticed Twilight," said Applejack.
"And it's annoying," finished Rarity.
Octavia: And now I have to change that to Rarity.
Fallen: Just say everyone but Twilight. Saves you a lot of time and confusion.
"Sorry," said Twilight, putting on a sheepish smile,"I didn't know you weren't a fan of my pleasan-tree."
Vinyl: What was your FIRST hint!?
Applejack groaned. "Will you stop making bad jokes Twilight?"
"Sorry, I've got them rooted in my brain."
Octavia: ...she can’t help it.
Vinyl: Doesn’t change the fact that she’s pissing me off.
Fallen: I’m just surprised she didn’t try to force something about the apple falling far from the tree.
"If you're going to tell jokes, tell them later.
Octavia: She forgot the cardinal rule of dealing with annoying individuals.
Fallen: Don't encourage them?
Octavia: Yes. Though Vinyl somehow gets encouraged anyway.
Right now we need to focus on getting to the beach," said Rainbow Dash.
"But Rainbow Dash, there is no time for rest, I can't save these jokes fir later."
Vinyl: Why the buck not? Right now I'd be happy to have a hangover if it meant I didn't have to feel the headache you're giving me!
Fallen: It's not THAT bad yet.
Twilight let out a small giggle as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
"Twilight, even I don't think these are funny," said Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie: (laughing uncontrollably from TV)
Octavia: I think she begs to differ.
"Yes Twilight, please stop these bad jokes," said Rarity.
"I see you're sycamore puns, but I hope you stick around, because they're just blooming and I'm lichen them."
Vinyl: How's it feel to be the only one?
Octavia: Vinyl, did you seriously bring a flask of alcohol with you?
Vinyl: Shut up. It's my emergency booze.
Twilight broke out into a wide smile, unable to hide her glee any longer. She thought the puns were hilarious, while everypony else just groaned at the sound of them.
Octavia: Much like Vinyl's witticisms.
Vinyl: Not in the mood, Octy.
"Twilight, stop, even Fluttershy is tired of them," said Applejack.
"Well, um," stuttered Fluttershy. She bowed her head. "It's true, I don't like them," she croaked in a raspy voice.
Fallen: I guess she's a lit-
Octavia: I know exactly where you're going with that, and I'm not afraid to bludgeon you to death with my instrument.
Fallen: The one that A. you can hardly lift and B. you don't have on you?
Octavia: The carrying case is right outside. Don't test me.
Twilight looked at Fluttershy. "Fine, I'll stop, but you willow me one."
Vinyl: She's gonna make them pay for not hearing her puns? Isn't hearing them punishment on its own?
With a final groan, the ponies silently made their way through the forest and to the beach, lest they talk and spur more puns from Twilight.
Vinyl: Please tell me we don't see what she's thinking.
They finally made their way out of the forest and into the sandy beach area.
Fallen: Why does every forest ever nowadays border a beach?
Nearby was a tall cliff, overlooking the blue water. It could almost be considered a mountain, had it not been over the water.
Octavia: I don't think this author knows what mountains look like.
Twilight started to smile, and the water section of the dictionary flooded into her mind.
Fallen: There was a section for water puns?
"Hey look, it's the ocean!" she yelled. "Everypony wave!"
Vinyl: PLEASE LET ME HURT HER.
Octavia: I'm sure you wouldn't be above puns either, if somepony actually set you up for one.
Before the ponies could groan, Twilight was already on to her next pun.
"I'm shore we'll have a fun time here, but if you sea a storm we'll have to leave. I'm getting a little tongue tide with all these puns, but they're kraken me up. I shell not bait any longer, let's go test the water."
Octavia: Please kill me.
Vinyl: Why you? Kill HER!
"Twilight, stop," said a bemused Applejack.
"Whale, I guess I cod, but water we going to dew? This trip has no porpoise if I can't make puns."
Octavia: The puns themselves have no porpoise! ...wait, I mean-
"Seriously Twilight it's getting old," said Rarity.
Fallen: As in we can feel ourselves aging the more you talk.
Vinyl: I hate you right now.
Fallen: Not my fault you're here. Blame Pinkie.
"Pier pressure has no effect on me."
"Nopony pikes your puns," said Rainbow Dash.
Octavia: Not her too...
Fallen: I actually think that one's a typo.
"I eel a little bad making all these puns, but water you going to do?"
Vinyl: Torches and pitchforks? Please?
The ponies gave up, there was no stopping Twilight.
Fallen: She’s the Juggernaut, bitch!
Octavia: …
Fallen: ...yeah, that WAS kind of dated.
Suddenly, Spike came running through the forest and into the beach holding a letter from Celestia. He had hair above his lip.
"Twilight, I mustache you a question!" he exclaimed.
Fallen: He has a mustache just for the purpose of that pun. If that isn't laziness, I don't know what is.
"Alright, what is it?"
"Did you see Celestia about sending the dresses to Neptune?"
Fallen: Last I checked, there wasn’t even life on Neptune, let alone any life complex and sophisticated enough to have dresses.
"Dresses on Neptune? It's freezing up there!" exclaimed Rarity,"What is going on Twilight?"
"Nothing Rarity, I just wanted to have the coolest outfits."
Vinyl: ...that one I don’t get.
Fallen: Neptune’s the planet furthest from our sun, so it’s also the coldest. I don’t know exactly what its surface is made of and don’t feel like checking, but I think it’s either ice or REALLY cold gas.
Vinyl: Oh. Huh. That’s actually kind of amusing. Not funny, since I didn’t even get it, but kinda clever. I guess.
Spike and Twilight broke out into laughter. Rarity started to giggle, and it eventually grew into a laugh. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack all joined in, finding humor in the pun.
Octavia: Well, that one existed for the purpose of a simple joke, so I can't find as much fault as if were only there for the sake of wordplay.
Fluttershy remained silent.
Octavia: The animal caretaker? Yes, she never seemed to be the outgoing type. I doubt she’s ever said more than a few words to me.
Vinyl: I apparently scare the shit out of her. Still don’t know why.
Octavia: I can think of a few reasons.
"What's wrong Fluttershy, you didn't find it funny?" asked Twilight after she had finished laughing.
"I did, but I don't really want to laugh," said Fluttershy. She paused for a moment.
Octavia: Oh no. Tell me she's not about to say-
Fallen: The same one you stopped ME from saying.
"Because I'm a little horse."
Octavia: I officially fire this author from breathing.
Vinyl: Stop the story. I'm not drunk enough for this.
Fallen: The story's over anyway.
Fallen: Oh, THAT’S a good sign.
Twilight's horn glowed as she pulled a dusty old book out of one of the shelves.
Vinyl: There’s seriously a book in her library she left alone long enough for it to collect dust? As if.
Stuck all the way in the corner of the library, the shelf wasn't used much, and the books weren't usually read.
Vinyl: Again, as if.
Octavia: I highly doubt she has enough time for every book in that library.
However, Twilight had read mostly all of the books in the library, including all the new ones that had just come in the day before.
Octavia: THAT I can believe, but how many of them does she RE-read?
This book was dusty, and Twilight had never seen it before.
Fallen: The dust had hidden it from sight.
Vinyl: Whoa! There was that much!?
She blew on the cover, pushing a sheet of dust off of it and revealing the title.
"The Equestrian Dictionary of Puns?"
Octavia: She found the book of puns. Story over.
Fallen: The blurb on the back says “It’s pun-tastic!” (smacked by Octavia)
Vinyl: Your humor’s a bit dusty, Fallen. (smacked by Octavia) RUSTY! I meant rusty! (smacked by Fallen)
she said, brushing off the book of any remaining dust.
Fallen: Your library isn’t complete without The Book of Any Remaining Dust.
The book was large, almost the size of the normal dictionary,
Octavia: Are there really that many puns in existence?
Fallen: I... actually wouldn’t doubt it.
and it had pages filled with spaced out puns. Twilight delved into the book, opening to the first page and reading quickly.
Fallen: She remained in that library for thirty years. Every time her friends tried to check in on her, she was still reading the damn book.
By the time it was noon, she had already finished the entire book.
Fallen: Or... that.
Vinyl: She started at 11:59.
Inside her head puns bounced around, covering her mind. She looked around, and every object she saw was now an object of pun.
Octavia: Has she ever been this corrupted by something she read?
Vinyl: Wouldn’t surprise me.
Looking at the clock, she saw that it was about noontime and that she had promised to meet her friends near the fountain in the central square. Placing the book back into the shelf, she trotted out of the library and toward the fountain.
Vinyl: I don’t think she’s safe to let loose on the world. As such, I think this is the best idea she’s ever had.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey girls!" called Twilight, trotting up to her group of friends as they waited for her by the fountain.
Vinyl: No puns? Story, I’m disappointed in you.
"Hey Twilight, how's it going?" said Rainbow Dash, stopping her conversation with Applejack.
"It's not two bad," said Twilight, staring at the fountain behind them. "Water you up to?"
Fallen: IT BEGINS.
Octavia: Those puns don’t really work. They’re much too similar to the original phrases, and there’s no emphasis on the words she’s toying with.
"Nothing much, we were actually just planning to go by the beach a couple minutes outside of Ponyville, want to come?"
Vinyl: Who doesn’t?
Octavia: VINYL!
"I'd love to, as long as it doesn't take a mile to get there."
Vinyl: ...that’s not funny.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Fallen: “I’m just trying to piss off everyone in existence.”
The ponies all agreed that going to the beach would be the best idea on such a hot day, so they began their trek.
Fallen: Captain’s Log. Stardate: right the hell now.
They trotted through Ponyville, going through the central square that was bustling with ponies. Applejack decided to stop and buy an apple for a snack.
Octavia: What of the rest of them? They’re not worthy of her consideration?
"One apple, please," said Applejack, sliding one bit to the pony behind the stand. She came back with two apples, even though the sign said that it was one bit per apple.
Octavia: ...so she paid two bits.
Fallen: Obvious “shave and a haircut” joke, and we’re moving on.
Applejack picked the apples one at a time, eating one whole right as she took it off of the stand.
Fallen: Just to taunt the ponies who wouldn’t be eating that day.
"I thought that each apple was one bit? How did you get two?" said Rarity as Applejack chewed on her apple.
Vinyl: She had two bits on her. Not that hard, lady.
"She must be an in-cider in the apple business," chimed Twilight.
Octavia: This is painful to read.
Vinyl: You could say it’s... unBEARable!
Fallen: ...there was no reason for that.
Applejack swallowed her apple. "Twilight's right, us here apple growing folks are in the business together, which means discounts."
Fallen: Much more financially advisable than the “sorry about letting Apple Bloom near the store” discount.
Rarity nodded. "It's nothing like that in the fashion business."
"That's probably because it's sew competitive, every fashion designer wants their competition's store to clothes."
Vinyl: Why is she still talking? These puns are starting to get on my nerves.
Octavia: Took long enough...
"I suppose you're right Twilight."
Octavia: “Fashion IS a rather cutthroat industry.”
Vinyl: “Millions die every year.”
Twilight frowned. None of her friends were picking up on her brilliant use of puns. She had to up the usage, and fast, if she wanted the dictionary to be of any use to her.
Fallen: It was good for a chuckle when you read it through the first time. You don’t need to use every goddamn pun in the book.
The ponies exited Ponyville and entered a forest filled with tall trees that were spaced out just enough as to allow the sunlight to come through.
Vinyl: Then it’s not filled, now is it?
"Wood you look at this, leaf it to nature to make paths like these beautiful," said Twilight, looking around at everything around her. "I'm not so frond of these ferns, but that's oak, because if yew look around the trees spruce things up."
Fallen: Dibs on killing her.
Vinyl: HEY! I wanted to do it!
"Twilight, stop using puns," said Rainbow Dash.
Octavia: I think Rainbow Dash may be the best character in this story thus far.
"You've noticed?" said Twilight, a smile coming to her face.
"We've all noticed Twilight," said Applejack.
"And it's annoying," finished Rarity.
Octavia: And now I have to change that to Rarity.
Fallen: Just say everyone but Twilight. Saves you a lot of time and confusion.
"Sorry," said Twilight, putting on a sheepish smile,"I didn't know you weren't a fan of my pleasan-tree."
Vinyl: What was your FIRST hint!?
Applejack groaned. "Will you stop making bad jokes Twilight?"
"Sorry, I've got them rooted in my brain."
Octavia: ...she can’t help it.
Vinyl: Doesn’t change the fact that she’s pissing me off.
Fallen: I’m just surprised she didn’t try to force something about the apple falling far from the tree.
"If you're going to tell jokes, tell them later.
Octavia: She forgot the cardinal rule of dealing with annoying individuals.
Fallen: Don't encourage them?
Octavia: Yes. Though Vinyl somehow gets encouraged anyway.
Right now we need to focus on getting to the beach," said Rainbow Dash.
"But Rainbow Dash, there is no time for rest, I can't save these jokes fir later."
Vinyl: Why the buck not? Right now I'd be happy to have a hangover if it meant I didn't have to feel the headache you're giving me!
Fallen: It's not THAT bad yet.
Twilight let out a small giggle as Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
"Twilight, even I don't think these are funny," said Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie: (laughing uncontrollably from TV)
Octavia: I think she begs to differ.
"Yes Twilight, please stop these bad jokes," said Rarity.
"I see you're sycamore puns, but I hope you stick around, because they're just blooming and I'm lichen them."
Vinyl: How's it feel to be the only one?
Octavia: Vinyl, did you seriously bring a flask of alcohol with you?
Vinyl: Shut up. It's my emergency booze.
Twilight broke out into a wide smile, unable to hide her glee any longer. She thought the puns were hilarious, while everypony else just groaned at the sound of them.
Octavia: Much like Vinyl's witticisms.
Vinyl: Not in the mood, Octy.
"Twilight, stop, even Fluttershy is tired of them," said Applejack.
"Well, um," stuttered Fluttershy. She bowed her head. "It's true, I don't like them," she croaked in a raspy voice.
Fallen: I guess she's a lit-
Octavia: I know exactly where you're going with that, and I'm not afraid to bludgeon you to death with my instrument.
Fallen: The one that A. you can hardly lift and B. you don't have on you?
Octavia: The carrying case is right outside. Don't test me.
Twilight looked at Fluttershy. "Fine, I'll stop, but you willow me one."
Vinyl: She's gonna make them pay for not hearing her puns? Isn't hearing them punishment on its own?
With a final groan, the ponies silently made their way through the forest and to the beach, lest they talk and spur more puns from Twilight.
Vinyl: Please tell me we don't see what she's thinking.
They finally made their way out of the forest and into the sandy beach area.
Fallen: Why does every forest ever nowadays border a beach?
Nearby was a tall cliff, overlooking the blue water. It could almost be considered a mountain, had it not been over the water.
Octavia: I don't think this author knows what mountains look like.
Twilight started to smile, and the water section of the dictionary flooded into her mind.
Fallen: There was a section for water puns?
"Hey look, it's the ocean!" she yelled. "Everypony wave!"
Vinyl: PLEASE LET ME HURT HER.
Octavia: I'm sure you wouldn't be above puns either, if somepony actually set you up for one.
Before the ponies could groan, Twilight was already on to her next pun.
"I'm shore we'll have a fun time here, but if you sea a storm we'll have to leave. I'm getting a little tongue tide with all these puns, but they're kraken me up. I shell not bait any longer, let's go test the water."
Octavia: Please kill me.
Vinyl: Why you? Kill HER!
"Twilight, stop," said a bemused Applejack.
"Whale, I guess I cod, but water we going to dew? This trip has no porpoise if I can't make puns."
Octavia: The puns themselves have no porpoise! ...wait, I mean-
"Seriously Twilight it's getting old," said Rarity.
Fallen: As in we can feel ourselves aging the more you talk.
Vinyl: I hate you right now.
Fallen: Not my fault you're here. Blame Pinkie.
"Pier pressure has no effect on me."
"Nopony pikes your puns," said Rainbow Dash.
Octavia: Not her too...
Fallen: I actually think that one's a typo.
"I eel a little bad making all these puns, but water you going to do?"
Vinyl: Torches and pitchforks? Please?
The ponies gave up, there was no stopping Twilight.
Fallen: She’s the Juggernaut, bitch!
Octavia: …
Fallen: ...yeah, that WAS kind of dated.
Suddenly, Spike came running through the forest and into the beach holding a letter from Celestia. He had hair above his lip.
"Twilight, I mustache you a question!" he exclaimed.
Fallen: He has a mustache just for the purpose of that pun. If that isn't laziness, I don't know what is.
"Alright, what is it?"
"Did you see Celestia about sending the dresses to Neptune?"
Fallen: Last I checked, there wasn’t even life on Neptune, let alone any life complex and sophisticated enough to have dresses.
"Dresses on Neptune? It's freezing up there!" exclaimed Rarity,"What is going on Twilight?"
"Nothing Rarity, I just wanted to have the coolest outfits."
Vinyl: ...that one I don’t get.
Fallen: Neptune’s the planet furthest from our sun, so it’s also the coldest. I don’t know exactly what its surface is made of and don’t feel like checking, but I think it’s either ice or REALLY cold gas.
Vinyl: Oh. Huh. That’s actually kind of amusing. Not funny, since I didn’t even get it, but kinda clever. I guess.
Spike and Twilight broke out into laughter. Rarity started to giggle, and it eventually grew into a laugh. Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Applejack all joined in, finding humor in the pun.
Octavia: Well, that one existed for the purpose of a simple joke, so I can't find as much fault as if were only there for the sake of wordplay.
Fluttershy remained silent.
Octavia: The animal caretaker? Yes, she never seemed to be the outgoing type. I doubt she’s ever said more than a few words to me.
Vinyl: I apparently scare the shit out of her. Still don’t know why.
Octavia: I can think of a few reasons.
"What's wrong Fluttershy, you didn't find it funny?" asked Twilight after she had finished laughing.
"I did, but I don't really want to laugh," said Fluttershy. She paused for a moment.
Octavia: Oh no. Tell me she's not about to say-
Fallen: The same one you stopped ME from saying.
"Because I'm a little horse."
Octavia: I officially fire this author from breathing.
Vinyl: Stop the story. I'm not drunk enough for this.
Fallen: The story's over anyway.
Fallen: Why do you even have beer on you anyway, Vinyl?
Vinyl: First of all, it's lager. Second of all, it's better than walking offstage to get a drink in the middle of a set.
Fallen: I think I’d rather you didn’t drink it in here. I’m not old enough to drink yet, and I really don’t want you getting me in trouble.
Octavia: Because your weapons stockpile isn’t going to get you in any trouble.
Fallen: In my world, or at least my state, you can own a gun before you can drink alcohol.
Octavia: Why?
Fallen: Because of the stupid. I don’t know.
Vinyl: That’s kinda lame. So you can’t get into any good clubs?
Fallen: Never even tried. I don’t live near any, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna get off my ass to look for one.
Vinyl: Well, if you need a fake ID, I know a guy who-
Fallen: Don’t even think about finishing that thought.
Vinyl: Your loss, man.
Fallen: I doubt your “guy” could do fake IDs for humans for use on Earth anyway. And I’m still a bit concerned about trying to set foot in a place like Ponyville.
Vinyl: Yeah, they’re antsy as hell. Horde of bunnies rushes in, they drop like flies fainting in terror. Imagine having a human there!
Fallen: I’m surprised Octavia’s taking it well.
Octavia: For now, yes. I suspect what I’m actually doing here and who I’m doing it with will sink in by the time I leave, but I’m just going with the flow for the time being.
Vinyl: See? I’m not always a bad influence.
Octavia: You’re only USUALLY a bad influence.
Vinyl: There ya go! Now, if you REALLY want to make a pony freak out at the sight of you, you should get Lyra in here.
Fallen: I DON’T want that, and I think that’s an awful idea.
Octavia: She’s full of those.
Pinkie: (from TV) Alright, next story time! Who’s ready?
Octavia: As I’ll ever be.
Fallen: For anything.
Vinyl: Drop it!
Dash: (from TV) Liking the enthusiasm, but you have no idea what’s coming. This one’s called “Sex. Sex Everywhere.”
Octavia: I take it back. I’m not prepared for this.
Fallen: Oh, please. I’ve seen foalcon watersports. Nothing here could possibly shock me.
Dash: You sure you want to say that, Fallen?
Fallen: Absolutely positive.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Vinyl: First of all, it's lager. Second of all, it's better than walking offstage to get a drink in the middle of a set.
Fallen: I think I’d rather you didn’t drink it in here. I’m not old enough to drink yet, and I really don’t want you getting me in trouble.
Octavia: Because your weapons stockpile isn’t going to get you in any trouble.
Fallen: In my world, or at least my state, you can own a gun before you can drink alcohol.
Octavia: Why?
Fallen: Because of the stupid. I don’t know.
Vinyl: That’s kinda lame. So you can’t get into any good clubs?
Fallen: Never even tried. I don’t live near any, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna get off my ass to look for one.
Vinyl: Well, if you need a fake ID, I know a guy who-
Fallen: Don’t even think about finishing that thought.
Vinyl: Your loss, man.
Fallen: I doubt your “guy” could do fake IDs for humans for use on Earth anyway. And I’m still a bit concerned about trying to set foot in a place like Ponyville.
Vinyl: Yeah, they’re antsy as hell. Horde of bunnies rushes in, they drop like flies fainting in terror. Imagine having a human there!
Fallen: I’m surprised Octavia’s taking it well.
Octavia: For now, yes. I suspect what I’m actually doing here and who I’m doing it with will sink in by the time I leave, but I’m just going with the flow for the time being.
Vinyl: See? I’m not always a bad influence.
Octavia: You’re only USUALLY a bad influence.
Vinyl: There ya go! Now, if you REALLY want to make a pony freak out at the sight of you, you should get Lyra in here.
Fallen: I DON’T want that, and I think that’s an awful idea.
Octavia: She’s full of those.
Pinkie: (from TV) Alright, next story time! Who’s ready?
Octavia: As I’ll ever be.
Fallen: For anything.
Vinyl: Drop it!
Dash: (from TV) Liking the enthusiasm, but you have no idea what’s coming. This one’s called “Sex. Sex Everywhere.”
Octavia: I take it back. I’m not prepared for this.
Fallen: Oh, please. I’ve seen foalcon watersports. Nothing here could possibly shock me.
Dash: You sure you want to say that, Fallen?
Fallen: Absolutely positive.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
OKAY so inside of the Ponyville there are like twenty thousand maigical poenies and dey are all really pony.
Octavia: I’ve got a terrible feeling about this...
Fallen: Okay, this is the kind of trolling I find obnoxious and lazy.
So when da ponies are not doin da chores or da play game outshide or go on magicall advunture, dey like to have the secks.
Vinyl: THAT’S how you know you have a life!
Fallen: Has she ever gotten laid, Octavia?
Octavia: I can safely say she hasn’t. Have you, Vinyl?
Vinyl: What? Of course! What kind of mare gets to my age without- no, not even once.
Dey like to have the lsbian secks bcuz all the mail horses don't like to have the secks.
Fallen: The postal service was sworn to abstinence. Derpy must’ve had Dinky before she got the job.
So won day one of da horses a named "Twilight "Sparkle"" is goes to da house and she has all of her friends ovur and they are all like,
Octavia: “Sweet Celestia, what happened to your grammar!?”
"OH my goshers Twilight You are so sexshy and I want to have da secks."
Dis pony was name "Appllejack" and she is wearing hat. She is orange pony and has big brother Bic Mac. Big Mac has massive Penis.
Vinyl: Guess that’s why he’s-
Fallen: Stop.
Twilight Sparkle invited Applejack over to her house in order to engage in sexual activities. She also invited Rainbow Dash and a couple other friends so that they could have a big orgy. Princess Celestia was invited but she wouldn't come until later.
Vinyl: Sounds like she lasts a HELL of a long time.
Octavia: For Celestia’s sake, Vinyl!
Vinyl: Bad choice of words.
Anyway, Applejack goes up to Twilight Sparkle and wants to have da secks so Twilight is all like,"No Applejack, I am the straight, go have the secks with Rainbow Dash."
Octavia: Wait. Why is she hosting an all-mare orgy if she’s not willing to be part of it?
So den the Applejack says,"No twilight, I want secks from youuuu. Put dis buckat on your head." Applejack putted a bucket onto Twilight's head and she say,"Okay, now we have the secks."
Fallen: Her fetish is... buckets?
Vinyl: I always thought it’d be bondage.
So den Applejack is about to have the secks with Twilight but then Rainbow Dash kicks down da door and she is all like," I want to have the secks toooo."
Octavia: May I just... step away from the screen and not read this?
Fallen: Keep those haunches planted.
So den applejack says," OKAY put a bucket on yo head and den we have the secks Y'all." (she say y'all because she is from da south.)
Vinyl: Appleloosa? Wouldn’t surprise me, since her name’s-
Octavia: Appleloosa didn’t even exist when she was born.
So den Rainbow Dash puts a bucket on her head but she misses and puts it on her butt. Den she makes a huge poop inside the bucket and says," OH MA GAWD I POOPED IN THE BUCKET."
Vinyl: ...yeah, I have no idea what the flying feather I’m looking at anymore.
So den Applejack says to the Twilight
Hey Twilight
How about we have da secks without Rainbow Dash
And so Twilight says, Okay Applejack.
Octavia: Why is she so accepting of it now?
Fallen: Dash taking a dump in a bucket must have gotten her in the mood.
"But then Rainbow Dash get angry and says," No, you cannot have da secks without me.
So she takes her poopies out of the bucket and throws dem at Applejack.
Fallen: The ponies are turning into monkeys!
Applejack gets poopies all over her face. Den she licks it off and says da,"yummy."
Octavia: I’m frightened.
Vinyl: Why?
Octavia: Because my first thought was wondering what it could taste like to her.
So den Pinkie Pie comes into the library and sees Applejack eating poop off her face and instantly knows dat it is a massive orgy party so she jumps in and luckily she has brought her favorite sex toy.
Vinyl: The bucket?
Da buckt.
Vinyl: Eh. I was close.
And so Applejack says," Pinkie Pie put dat bucket on yo head so we can have da secks."
And so Pinkie Pie puts the bucket on her head but Twiligth say," NO, I think we should not have da secks."
Octavia: She’s hosting the orgy!
"Fuck you Twilight," say Applejack.
Vinyl: Yeah, she’s trying to.
She kick Twilight into the face and Twilight say," ow dat hurt now I want da secks."
Octavia: ...I don’t think she has the slightest idea what she wants.
So Applejack jump onto Twilight and they start to have da graphic secks.
Vinyl: Just... take our word for it. What they’re doing is so filthy, we can’t even tell you what letter it starts with.
Pinkie Pie sees Rainbow Dash and says," hey Dash let's have da secks.
Dash: (from TV) Uh...
So
Rainbow Dash
Says
"Ok, Let's secks."
Fallen: Oh god, I haven’t been made physically sick by a story’s formatting in so long...
And den dey jump on top of heach odder and start to hav da secks. But Rainbow Dash accidentely grows da Penis by accidents and she says," Oh my gawd I have da Penis."
Octavia: I- how- but- she- WHAT!?
Fallen: Probably not even the FIFTH time I’ve seen that happen.
And so Pinkie PIe says, "OH MY YOU HAVE DA PENIS."
So rainbo Dash say," OKAY." and den she take her new penis and stick it into Pinkie Pie's mouth and Pinkie PIe says," OH MY GAWD IT IS SO YUMMY."
Fallen: Because she can talk so well with a dick in her mouth.
Vinyl: It’s Pinkie. She probably could.
So Rainbow Dash watch as Pinkie PIe suck onto her penis and Applejack says," Don forget to put a bucket onto yo head."
Octavia: At least she has her priorities straight.
and so Rainbow Dash put da bucket filled with da poop onto her head and says.
"I am a boat."
Fallen: Yes. Yes she is.
and den te Pinkie Pie says, shut up and let me suck yo penis. Den the Twilight Sparkle and da Applejack join in and Twiliht use her horn as da penis and day have good all fun time.
Fallen: Oh, come on. “Living the Dream” started out with better grammar than this! Hell, it could’ve been improved with FelixDawn as a proofreader!
Den the Fluttershy flies into the room with da Rarity and dey both really have to use da bathroom so they say," Twilight can we use the bathroom?"
Octavia: I think that line of dialogue was the closest thing to a sentence I’ve seen yet.
But Twilight too busy having da secks with Applejack so Fluttershy and Rarity can't use da bathroom
Vinyl: Why did they even need permission? When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go!
so they poop all over the place.
Vinyl: That’s not what I meant at all!
Then they join in on the sex party and all the ponies roll around in the piles of shit while Pinkie PIe suck Rainbow Dash penis and Rarity and Twilight have da sex with their horns.
Octavia: It hurts my brain to imagine this.
Vinyl: ...what? No, I’m not aroused right now.
Fallen: I’m terrified of you.
Fluttershy is all like," I'm too fragile and innocent for this." But Applejack says," Shut the fuck up Fluttershy."
Fallen: She was found the next day with too many stab wounds to count.
Den Applejack puts a bucket on Fluttershy's head.
So den once all of da ponies are covered in the poop they all say, let's have more secks.
Vinyl: I like that attitude!
Octavia: Oh, shut up.
So Applejack
gets more buckets and they get into the buckets and have the sex.
Fallen: Right after an awkward use of the Enter key.
And Twilight is all like," I like secks" So den she licks the vagina of Applejack and Applejack says," PUT THE BUCKET BACK ON YOUR HEAD"
Fallen: I just thought of Nicolas Cage saying that in a Southern accent. Would’ve made Con Air a very different movie...
So Twilight says No and licks Applejack all over da place until she is covered in saliva. Den Applejack roll around in the shit some more and get covered in poop and saliva. Twilight thinks it is sexy.
Octavia: I think it is revolting.
Vinyl: I think I need a bucket to throw up in.
Fallen: You know Homestuck was sexualizing buckets long before you, right, Troll? Hell, it was the trolls who USED the buckets for-
Octavia: Please just stop talking. Both of you.
Den Rainbow Dash take her wing and shove it up into Fluttershy's vagina and she say,"OH MY GAWD"
Octavia: ...doesn’t she have a perfectly serviceable penis now?
And then they had the rough sex with Rainbow Dashes new penis.
Octavia: Of COURSE I spoke too soon...
And den Pinkie PIe has simultaneous sex with all of the ponies at the same time using her six hooves
Fallen: Must’ve been written after “A Friend in Deed” aired...
And then they all had the graphic secks all night long and Princess Celestia join them. PRincess Celestia say, "Oh my look at all da secks," and she joins in and has secks with Twilight Sparkle.
Vinyl: Huh. Princess Celestia’s a lot more outgoing than I thought.
Their horns light up and they all like," OH MY GAWD," and then they lick each other and put stuff into each other and have the best secks ever.
Octavia: Which the narrative thankfully didn’t think needed elaboration.
And the entire library gets covered in poop and saliva and buckets and other shit and den Spike walks into the room and he says.
"WHAT THE FUCK."
Fallen: He speaks for the audience.
The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fallen: And... taking out the gigantic wall of white space.
Author's Note: MY EYES ARE BLEEDING FROM WRITING THIS!
Octavia: Mine are no better from reading it.
Fallen: They’re... actually bleeding. Hang on, I need to get you a box of tissues...
Octavia: I’ve got a terrible feeling about this...
Fallen: Okay, this is the kind of trolling I find obnoxious and lazy.
So when da ponies are not doin da chores or da play game outshide or go on magicall advunture, dey like to have the secks.
Vinyl: THAT’S how you know you have a life!
Fallen: Has she ever gotten laid, Octavia?
Octavia: I can safely say she hasn’t. Have you, Vinyl?
Vinyl: What? Of course! What kind of mare gets to my age without- no, not even once.
Dey like to have the lsbian secks bcuz all the mail horses don't like to have the secks.
Fallen: The postal service was sworn to abstinence. Derpy must’ve had Dinky before she got the job.
So won day one of da horses a named "Twilight "Sparkle"" is goes to da house and she has all of her friends ovur and they are all like,
Octavia: “Sweet Celestia, what happened to your grammar!?”
"OH my goshers Twilight You are so sexshy and I want to have da secks."
Dis pony was name "Appllejack" and she is wearing hat. She is orange pony and has big brother Bic Mac. Big Mac has massive Penis.
Vinyl: Guess that’s why he’s-
Fallen: Stop.
Twilight Sparkle invited Applejack over to her house in order to engage in sexual activities. She also invited Rainbow Dash and a couple other friends so that they could have a big orgy. Princess Celestia was invited but she wouldn't come until later.
Vinyl: Sounds like she lasts a HELL of a long time.
Octavia: For Celestia’s sake, Vinyl!
Vinyl: Bad choice of words.
Anyway, Applejack goes up to Twilight Sparkle and wants to have da secks so Twilight is all like,"No Applejack, I am the straight, go have the secks with Rainbow Dash."
Octavia: Wait. Why is she hosting an all-mare orgy if she’s not willing to be part of it?
So den the Applejack says,"No twilight, I want secks from youuuu. Put dis buckat on your head." Applejack putted a bucket onto Twilight's head and she say,"Okay, now we have the secks."
Fallen: Her fetish is... buckets?
Vinyl: I always thought it’d be bondage.
So den Applejack is about to have the secks with Twilight but then Rainbow Dash kicks down da door and she is all like," I want to have the secks toooo."
Octavia: May I just... step away from the screen and not read this?
Fallen: Keep those haunches planted.
So den applejack says," OKAY put a bucket on yo head and den we have the secks Y'all." (she say y'all because she is from da south.)
Vinyl: Appleloosa? Wouldn’t surprise me, since her name’s-
Octavia: Appleloosa didn’t even exist when she was born.
So den Rainbow Dash puts a bucket on her head but she misses and puts it on her butt. Den she makes a huge poop inside the bucket and says," OH MA GAWD I POOPED IN THE BUCKET."
Vinyl: ...yeah, I have no idea what the flying feather I’m looking at anymore.
So den Applejack says to the Twilight
Hey Twilight
How about we have da secks without Rainbow Dash
And so Twilight says, Okay Applejack.
Octavia: Why is she so accepting of it now?
Fallen: Dash taking a dump in a bucket must have gotten her in the mood.
"But then Rainbow Dash get angry and says," No, you cannot have da secks without me.
So she takes her poopies out of the bucket and throws dem at Applejack.
Fallen: The ponies are turning into monkeys!
Applejack gets poopies all over her face. Den she licks it off and says da,"yummy."
Octavia: I’m frightened.
Vinyl: Why?
Octavia: Because my first thought was wondering what it could taste like to her.
So den Pinkie Pie comes into the library and sees Applejack eating poop off her face and instantly knows dat it is a massive orgy party so she jumps in and luckily she has brought her favorite sex toy.
Vinyl: The bucket?
Da buckt.
Vinyl: Eh. I was close.
And so Applejack says," Pinkie Pie put dat bucket on yo head so we can have da secks."
And so Pinkie Pie puts the bucket on her head but Twiligth say," NO, I think we should not have da secks."
Octavia: She’s hosting the orgy!
"Fuck you Twilight," say Applejack.
Vinyl: Yeah, she’s trying to.
She kick Twilight into the face and Twilight say," ow dat hurt now I want da secks."
Octavia: ...I don’t think she has the slightest idea what she wants.
So Applejack jump onto Twilight and they start to have da graphic secks.
Vinyl: Just... take our word for it. What they’re doing is so filthy, we can’t even tell you what letter it starts with.
Pinkie Pie sees Rainbow Dash and says," hey Dash let's have da secks.
Dash: (from TV) Uh...
So
Rainbow Dash
Says
"Ok, Let's secks."
Fallen: Oh god, I haven’t been made physically sick by a story’s formatting in so long...
And den dey jump on top of heach odder and start to hav da secks. But Rainbow Dash accidentely grows da Penis by accidents and she says," Oh my gawd I have da Penis."
Octavia: I- how- but- she- WHAT!?
Fallen: Probably not even the FIFTH time I’ve seen that happen.
And so Pinkie PIe says, "OH MY YOU HAVE DA PENIS."
So rainbo Dash say," OKAY." and den she take her new penis and stick it into Pinkie Pie's mouth and Pinkie PIe says," OH MY GAWD IT IS SO YUMMY."
Fallen: Because she can talk so well with a dick in her mouth.
Vinyl: It’s Pinkie. She probably could.
So Rainbow Dash watch as Pinkie PIe suck onto her penis and Applejack says," Don forget to put a bucket onto yo head."
Octavia: At least she has her priorities straight.
and so Rainbow Dash put da bucket filled with da poop onto her head and says.
"I am a boat."
Fallen: Yes. Yes she is.
and den te Pinkie Pie says, shut up and let me suck yo penis. Den the Twilight Sparkle and da Applejack join in and Twiliht use her horn as da penis and day have good all fun time.
Fallen: Oh, come on. “Living the Dream” started out with better grammar than this! Hell, it could’ve been improved with FelixDawn as a proofreader!
Den the Fluttershy flies into the room with da Rarity and dey both really have to use da bathroom so they say," Twilight can we use the bathroom?"
Octavia: I think that line of dialogue was the closest thing to a sentence I’ve seen yet.
But Twilight too busy having da secks with Applejack so Fluttershy and Rarity can't use da bathroom
Vinyl: Why did they even need permission? When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go!
so they poop all over the place.
Vinyl: That’s not what I meant at all!
Then they join in on the sex party and all the ponies roll around in the piles of shit while Pinkie PIe suck Rainbow Dash penis and Rarity and Twilight have da sex with their horns.
Octavia: It hurts my brain to imagine this.
Vinyl: ...what? No, I’m not aroused right now.
Fallen: I’m terrified of you.
Fluttershy is all like," I'm too fragile and innocent for this." But Applejack says," Shut the fuck up Fluttershy."
Fallen: She was found the next day with too many stab wounds to count.
Den Applejack puts a bucket on Fluttershy's head.
So den once all of da ponies are covered in the poop they all say, let's have more secks.
Vinyl: I like that attitude!
Octavia: Oh, shut up.
So Applejack
gets more buckets and they get into the buckets and have the sex.
Fallen: Right after an awkward use of the Enter key.
And Twilight is all like," I like secks" So den she licks the vagina of Applejack and Applejack says," PUT THE BUCKET BACK ON YOUR HEAD"
Fallen: I just thought of Nicolas Cage saying that in a Southern accent. Would’ve made Con Air a very different movie...
So Twilight says No and licks Applejack all over da place until she is covered in saliva. Den Applejack roll around in the shit some more and get covered in poop and saliva. Twilight thinks it is sexy.
Octavia: I think it is revolting.
Vinyl: I think I need a bucket to throw up in.
Fallen: You know Homestuck was sexualizing buckets long before you, right, Troll? Hell, it was the trolls who USED the buckets for-
Octavia: Please just stop talking. Both of you.
Den Rainbow Dash take her wing and shove it up into Fluttershy's vagina and she say,"OH MY GAWD"
Octavia: ...doesn’t she have a perfectly serviceable penis now?
And then they had the rough sex with Rainbow Dashes new penis.
Octavia: Of COURSE I spoke too soon...
And den Pinkie PIe has simultaneous sex with all of the ponies at the same time using her six hooves
Fallen: Must’ve been written after “A Friend in Deed” aired...
And then they all had the graphic secks all night long and Princess Celestia join them. PRincess Celestia say, "Oh my look at all da secks," and she joins in and has secks with Twilight Sparkle.
Vinyl: Huh. Princess Celestia’s a lot more outgoing than I thought.
Their horns light up and they all like," OH MY GAWD," and then they lick each other and put stuff into each other and have the best secks ever.
Octavia: Which the narrative thankfully didn’t think needed elaboration.
And the entire library gets covered in poop and saliva and buckets and other shit and den Spike walks into the room and he says.
"WHAT THE FUCK."
Fallen: He speaks for the audience.
The End.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fallen: And... taking out the gigantic wall of white space.
Author's Note: MY EYES ARE BLEEDING FROM WRITING THIS!
Octavia: Mine are no better from reading it.
Fallen: They’re... actually bleeding. Hang on, I need to get you a box of tissues...
Vinyl: You okay, Octy? Last time I checked, that was NOT supposed to happen.
Octavia: I’ll be fine, Vinyl. Though I appreciate the concern.
Vinyl: Why shouldn’t I be concerned if my best friend and roommate starts bleeding from the eyes?
Fallen: Just a reminder, we’re here for FOUR stories. We still have one more to go.
Octavia: ...I can’t take this.
Vinyl: Seriously? I mean, yeah, that was bucking AWFUL, but you’re tougher than that!
Octavia: Apparently not, because I want out!
Fallen: And you’re not GETTING out until Pinkie LETS us out. And she won’t do that unless we finish all the stories she has for us. If I know her half as well as I think I do, she won’t let you miss out.
Octavia: Well, she’ll just have to make an exception.
Vinyl: I don’t like when she gets stubborn like that. Most ponies would give up on trying to fight with her.
Fallen: I take it that you use it as encoura-
Vinyl: Challenge accepted! We need somepony she trusts to talk her back into it.
Fallen: Other than you?
Vinyl: We’re besties, but she can trust me about as far as she can throw me.
Fallen: Not surprised. Who does that leave? Her ensemble?
Vinyl: That’s a retarded idea.
Fallen: Why is it a ret-
Vinyl: WAIT! I’ve got it! We’ll get her band to do it!
Fallen: I just said that!
Vinyl: No, you said “ensemble.” That made the idea stupid until I said it.
Fallen: I fucking hate you... but I only have this video calling thing to talk to people with, and I don’t think a classical quartet is high-profile enough to have one of the few that even exist. Hell, I’M barely even there, and up until a little while ago, I didn’t even have the ability to MAKE calls! I don’t know how Pinkie got hers, but-
(Suddenly, the second TV turns on with a blip, revealing Frederic Horseshoepin, Beauty Brass, and Harpo Parish Nadermane.)
Fallen: Seriously? Am I just a magnet for convenient timing?
Frederic: (from TV) My apologies for the intrusion, but... we’re looking for our fellow musician. Perhaps you’ve-
Beauty Brass: (from TV) I THINK WE FOUND HER!
Frederic: Yes, thank you for the hearing damage...
Brass: YOU’RE WELCOME!
Octavia: I’d know those voices anywhere! But how?
Harpo: (shrugs)
Frederic: Well, we got worried when you failed to arrive for rehearsal, and we began calling random numbers with this machine to see if we could find you before going out ourselves.
Fallen: And you assumed that you’d be done with that quickly, since there aren’t many of the things?
Frederic: More or less. Um... what exactly ARE you?
Fallen: Not important. Turns out I’m trapped here with your cellist pal and her DJ pal until we’ve read four stories by an author I have mixed feelings for. We’re only three stories in, and she’s trying to bail.
Octavia: Oh, don’t say you can blame me.
Fallen: You’re not getting out of here with that attitude, and neither am I.
Octavia: Well, I refuse to sit through anymore of this trash, especially if it’s as bad as that last one!
Frederic: From the sound of it, you have no choice. Besides, the only conditions of your capture seem to be that you have to read a little. Isn’t it somewhat petty to lose your temper over it?
Fallen: I’ll have to defend her on that one point. You haven’t seen a TENTH of what I’ve seen. Though I will have to say that in THIS case, it’s a dire overreaction.
Octavia: From your perspective or mine?
Fallen: Yes.
Brass: COME ON! WE-
Fallen: Christ almighty, will you STOP SHOUTING!
Octavia: Don’t mind Beauty Brass. She has some volume control issues.
Vinyl: Worse than mine, if you can believe it.
Brass: Sorry! But Octavia, we can’t rehearse without you here! You KNOW we need to be in top form for our performance at Canterlot CASTLE NEXT WEEK!
Fallen: What did I just-
Octavia: Let it go, Fallen. At any rate, they’re right. I should probably get out of here as soon as possible if I’m to join them. If that means one last story... I might as well.
Vinyl: That’s the spirit!
Frederic: Excellent! We’ll be seeing you shortly, then?
Octavia: Hopefully.
Fallen: Hold up. How the flying FUCK did you get one of these?
Harpo: (shrugs)
Fallen: Not much for words, is he?
Octavia: Not really, no.
Brass: Well, we need to finish setting up anyway, so... BYE!
(The ensemble’s TV turns off with a blip.)
Fallen: Okay. We’re all set?
Octavia: I suppose.
Vinyl: Hells yeah!
Fallen: Good. Pinkie, what’s the last story?
Pinkie: “Human In Equestria Story: Featuring A Human!”
Fallen: Oh god! GET ME OUTTA HERE!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Octavia: I’ll be fine, Vinyl. Though I appreciate the concern.
Vinyl: Why shouldn’t I be concerned if my best friend and roommate starts bleeding from the eyes?
Fallen: Just a reminder, we’re here for FOUR stories. We still have one more to go.
Octavia: ...I can’t take this.
Vinyl: Seriously? I mean, yeah, that was bucking AWFUL, but you’re tougher than that!
Octavia: Apparently not, because I want out!
Fallen: And you’re not GETTING out until Pinkie LETS us out. And she won’t do that unless we finish all the stories she has for us. If I know her half as well as I think I do, she won’t let you miss out.
Octavia: Well, she’ll just have to make an exception.
Vinyl: I don’t like when she gets stubborn like that. Most ponies would give up on trying to fight with her.
Fallen: I take it that you use it as encoura-
Vinyl: Challenge accepted! We need somepony she trusts to talk her back into it.
Fallen: Other than you?
Vinyl: We’re besties, but she can trust me about as far as she can throw me.
Fallen: Not surprised. Who does that leave? Her ensemble?
Vinyl: That’s a retarded idea.
Fallen: Why is it a ret-
Vinyl: WAIT! I’ve got it! We’ll get her band to do it!
Fallen: I just said that!
Vinyl: No, you said “ensemble.” That made the idea stupid until I said it.
Fallen: I fucking hate you... but I only have this video calling thing to talk to people with, and I don’t think a classical quartet is high-profile enough to have one of the few that even exist. Hell, I’M barely even there, and up until a little while ago, I didn’t even have the ability to MAKE calls! I don’t know how Pinkie got hers, but-
(Suddenly, the second TV turns on with a blip, revealing Frederic Horseshoepin, Beauty Brass, and Harpo Parish Nadermane.)
Fallen: Seriously? Am I just a magnet for convenient timing?
Frederic: (from TV) My apologies for the intrusion, but... we’re looking for our fellow musician. Perhaps you’ve-
Beauty Brass: (from TV) I THINK WE FOUND HER!
Frederic: Yes, thank you for the hearing damage...
Brass: YOU’RE WELCOME!
Octavia: I’d know those voices anywhere! But how?
Harpo: (shrugs)
Frederic: Well, we got worried when you failed to arrive for rehearsal, and we began calling random numbers with this machine to see if we could find you before going out ourselves.
Fallen: And you assumed that you’d be done with that quickly, since there aren’t many of the things?
Frederic: More or less. Um... what exactly ARE you?
Fallen: Not important. Turns out I’m trapped here with your cellist pal and her DJ pal until we’ve read four stories by an author I have mixed feelings for. We’re only three stories in, and she’s trying to bail.
Octavia: Oh, don’t say you can blame me.
Fallen: You’re not getting out of here with that attitude, and neither am I.
Octavia: Well, I refuse to sit through anymore of this trash, especially if it’s as bad as that last one!
Frederic: From the sound of it, you have no choice. Besides, the only conditions of your capture seem to be that you have to read a little. Isn’t it somewhat petty to lose your temper over it?
Fallen: I’ll have to defend her on that one point. You haven’t seen a TENTH of what I’ve seen. Though I will have to say that in THIS case, it’s a dire overreaction.
Octavia: From your perspective or mine?
Fallen: Yes.
Brass: COME ON! WE-
Fallen: Christ almighty, will you STOP SHOUTING!
Octavia: Don’t mind Beauty Brass. She has some volume control issues.
Vinyl: Worse than mine, if you can believe it.
Brass: Sorry! But Octavia, we can’t rehearse without you here! You KNOW we need to be in top form for our performance at Canterlot CASTLE NEXT WEEK!
Fallen: What did I just-
Octavia: Let it go, Fallen. At any rate, they’re right. I should probably get out of here as soon as possible if I’m to join them. If that means one last story... I might as well.
Vinyl: That’s the spirit!
Frederic: Excellent! We’ll be seeing you shortly, then?
Octavia: Hopefully.
Fallen: Hold up. How the flying FUCK did you get one of these?
Harpo: (shrugs)
Fallen: Not much for words, is he?
Octavia: Not really, no.
Brass: Well, we need to finish setting up anyway, so... BYE!
(The ensemble’s TV turns off with a blip.)
Fallen: Okay. We’re all set?
Octavia: I suppose.
Vinyl: Hells yeah!
Fallen: Good. Pinkie, what’s the last story?
Pinkie: “Human In Equestria Story: Featuring A Human!”
Fallen: Oh god! GET ME OUTTA HERE!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
hiiii this is my first story
Fallen: No it fucking isn’t.
so pleez go easy on me thanks semicolon-parenthese
Vinyl: Sorry, pal, but easy ain’t my style.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, my name is Drew Peacock and I am a brony.
Fallen: Ugh. I hate HiE fics where the human’s a brony. Their prior knowledge of the world they’re put in makes it feel WRONG.
One day I was just surfing through tbe internet, quietly giggling as I looked the most hilarious memes on the planet that had definetely not been beat into the ground while listening to the dopest skrillex music eveeerrr.
Fallen: Oh god, are dubstep jokes becoming obligatory?
Vinyl: Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve-
Fallen: I have, and I don’t mind it. It’s just... WHY?
I downed an entire jug of mayonnaise
Octavia: Disgusting!
Vinyl: I know! There was a perfectly good bottle of mustard right next to him!
and then I got up and walked outside. The sun was bright and almost burned my eyes out. There were these tall, brown and green things. I think my parents called them "grass".
Fallen: Yeah, no. I don’t get out a lot either, but I know what the hell trees are.
Well, anyway, I decided to go to the outside place and then when I walk to the outside place I looked around and saw something.
Fallen: The Statue of Liberty buried in the sand! It was Earth all along!
Octavia: ...come again?
Fallen: Never mind. Just a reference to a movie none of us have seen.
But first I should tell you dat I am a brony. I was just surfin the web, looking at arrow to the knee jokes on my favorite website "fag.com" and I was laughing my tiny little arse off when all of a sudden I saw these color ponies. And den I was like-
Vinyl: He never finished the thought because he took an arrow to the throat.
"LOLOL dese ponies are da ultra gay and you should all go kill urselves furfags!!!!1!!!" and I sent it to all of the peoples who were puttin da pwnies on ma hilarious arrow to the knee memes.
Fallen: They belong in the Homestuck fandom. Equius got knee-arrowed before it was cool.
Den I decide one day "Ponies are so gay, I bet the show is also gay as baloney." So
I turned on my compooter and
Octavia: went on a rampage with the Enter key.
when I did I went to the youtubes and I typed in "Gay little ponies lololol" and all of dese pony videos with da ponies come up and den literally rainbows came out of my eyes (true story)
Fallen: Not convinced.
and dey go all over ma desk and I am all like omg deese ponies are like da bestest.
Vinyl: Damn straight!
So den when people call da ponies gay I go to their account and yell at them for a good 40 hours and then have 100 comment long arguments wit dem on da youtubes comments because dey MUST luv the ponies too.
Octavia: As is the logical progression of things.
So after I watch all da episodes
Fallen: I don’t remember when this was written, so I can’t say for sure just how long that must have taken him.
I go to da outsides and I look around and I say "Pony" and a portal opens up it opens up right in front of it did and I looks at it, I looks at is and I says "PORTAL" and I jump inside da portal.
Fallen: Suddenly, Martin Willis.
Now remember, dis is all da true story.
Octavia: I’m sure it is.
So I go through the space-time continuum and as I fly through the portal my body is ripped and molded by the rapid speed and multiple forces acting upon my body.
Vinyl: Is he slowly being turned into something more than human?
When I land in Equestria my body is literally a pile of flesh and bones, mushed up and spread out. You could probably have made pudding out of my oozing flesh and crushed bones.
Vinyl: Ah well. Next best thing.
So den the ponies come up to me and say dis dey say,"Drew Peacock, it is yo destiny to defeat da evil dragon and have da secks with da Rainbow Dash."
Fallen: Not if fanon!Dash is as against the cock as people say.
I say "Ok ponies show me where da dragon is." Rainbow Dash can wait for later.
Vinyl: Dude... why are you stalling it?
So dey show me where the big old scary dragon is and I looks him in the eye I looks him right in it and I says,"YOU BIG DUMB DRAGON IMA FUCK YO FUCKIN SHIT UP BRO COME AT ME, UMAD?
Octavia: Is his plan to annoy it to death?
Fallen: I don’t doubt it’s going to happen whether he wants it to or not.
I SHOW YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO TAKE AN ARROW TO THE KNEE."
Fallen: Face, meet palm. Get used to each other’s company.
I shot the dragon in the arrow with a knee, and he fell to the ground, a knee stuck in his arrow.
Vinyl: ...I’m having a hard time imagining that.
I was all like, "AWWWW YEAHHHHH BRING ON THE PRIZEs."
Fallen: (pumps shotgun) Your reward is death.
Vinyl: Hey! Put that away before you hurt somepony!
So den da ponies cfome up to me, all six of dem Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy, and dey cheer for me
Vinyl: Well, Flutters TRIES to.
and den I take Rainbow Dash to a special place.
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: I wish I didn’t.
And den right after I wus dun with da Rainbow Dash I took da Rarity and I gave her a lollipop.
If you know what I mean...
Fallen: We’re not that stupid.
And den I grabbed the Fluttershy and I gave her a ticket to ride the best roller coaster in all of Equestria.
If you know what I mean...
Vinyl: The Supermare one!?
Fallen: Okay, MOST of us aren’t that stupid.
And den I taked Twilight Sparkle and I showed her how to brush her teeth with a toothbrush.
If you know what I mean...
Fallen: Oh my god, stop talking.
And then I played Monopoly with Pinkie Pie.
Vinyl: Is this another euphemism? Because I don’t get it.
No, I seriously played Monopoly the boardgame with Pinkie Pie.
If you know what I mean...
Vinyl: You just bucking EXPLAINED what you mean!
And then I placed a bucket on my head
Octavia: Wait... BUCKET!?
Fallen: Oh god, I think these stories have CONTINUITY.
and went to Applejack's nearest local gas station.
If you know what she means....
Vinyl: AJ likes anal?
So den after we were all done with all the you know what I means
Octavia: Oh, thank Celestia.
we went to an amusement park and went into a photo booth and got a picture so that I could take it home wiht me and show all of my brony friends (one of them)
Fallen: That’s kind of sad.
and dey would all be like
"OMG HOQW DID YOU MEET DA PONIES I AM SO JEALOUS"
Fallen: Not every brony wants to MEET the ponies.
Vinyl: You don’t have to WANT to meet us, though!
Fallen: Why can I never make a point without someone trying to undermine it? Also, how do they not assume it’s Photoshopped?
and I would be like
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: No! I don’t! Now STOP SAYING THAT!
And then they would all go nuts and I would lick their nuts.
Vinyl: Nope. I’m done.
Octavia: You’re staying RIGHT HERE, Vinyl Scratch! If I must suffer, you’re suffering with me!
I mean, I wouldn't lick their nuts that is gay. (But I actually would lick the nuts they went nuts with)
Vinyl: Oh. That makes sense.
Fallen: ...it does?
Vinyl: NO!
And then after I was done eating nuts we'd all get some thick cream to celebrate with and invite Twilight Sparkle to come.
Vinyl: If you know what-
Octavia: SHUT UP!
We would all display our nuts while whiping the cream all about the area, trying to land some of it's thick, creamy goodness in our mouths and show off how white it could make out mouths.
Fallen: If you imagine it like a food fight, it’s just wasteful.
Octavia: And if you imagine it as the author intends, it’s HORRID.
Cream literally was spewing everywhere while we went nuts with Twilight Sparkles, who was dancing on the floor a lot while the cream fell onto her body.
Vinyl: She’s into bukkake? Wow, Fallen, your friends are kinkier than I thought!
Fallen: Hey! No one gets to say that kind of shit about them but ME!
And den she say
"Drew Peacock just through cream all over me!"
Octavia: Does he not know how dialogue formatting is meant to work?
Fallen: It’s Troll. This is on purpose.
and den I said
"lol twilight,"
Vinyl: Is he allergic to using his keyboard right?
Fallen: IT’S ON PURPOSE.
and then I got some Italian sausage out of my fridge and we had an Italian sausage fight. Twilight won because she is a unicorn.
Fallen: Losing a cock fight with a girl. You must have the world’s cruelest handicap.
The rest of my friends died in the carnage. My house was destroyed but I did not cares because da Twilight Sparkle was in my house.
Octavia: She’s not in the house if there is no house left.
I loveeeee heerrrrrr soooooo muchhhhhhh. I is not even joking we almost had a hug but she said,"Ew you're Drew Peacock,"
Vinyl: First smart thing I’ve seen anyone do in this story.
and did not give me hug and I was sad but it was okay because I got to touch her like once or twice so it's all good.
Fallen: Not that it helps you NOW, since she has a restraining order...
And den Twilight Sparkle went back to Equestria becuz she's a good pony and good ponies do not stay on Earth.
Octavia: Nopony has ever gone to Earth. Where’s your frame of reference?
And then I went back to da planet earth and I went back to trolling the internet.
Fallen: You ever stopped?
I'd say that this was a success.
Octavia: In what way? I didn’t even realize this man had any goals throughout the story!
And this is all a true story, I promise.
Fallen and Vinyl: BULLSHIT.
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: STOP THE STORY.
Vinyl: ...the story’s over.
Fallen: Yeah. You survived all four.
Octavia: Oh. Well then.
Fallen: No it fucking isn’t.
so pleez go easy on me thanks semicolon-parenthese
Vinyl: Sorry, pal, but easy ain’t my style.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hello, my name is Drew Peacock and I am a brony.
Fallen: Ugh. I hate HiE fics where the human’s a brony. Their prior knowledge of the world they’re put in makes it feel WRONG.
One day I was just surfing through tbe internet, quietly giggling as I looked the most hilarious memes on the planet that had definetely not been beat into the ground while listening to the dopest skrillex music eveeerrr.
Fallen: Oh god, are dubstep jokes becoming obligatory?
Vinyl: Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve-
Fallen: I have, and I don’t mind it. It’s just... WHY?
I downed an entire jug of mayonnaise
Octavia: Disgusting!
Vinyl: I know! There was a perfectly good bottle of mustard right next to him!
and then I got up and walked outside. The sun was bright and almost burned my eyes out. There were these tall, brown and green things. I think my parents called them "grass".
Fallen: Yeah, no. I don’t get out a lot either, but I know what the hell trees are.
Well, anyway, I decided to go to the outside place and then when I walk to the outside place I looked around and saw something.
Fallen: The Statue of Liberty buried in the sand! It was Earth all along!
Octavia: ...come again?
Fallen: Never mind. Just a reference to a movie none of us have seen.
But first I should tell you dat I am a brony. I was just surfin the web, looking at arrow to the knee jokes on my favorite website "fag.com" and I was laughing my tiny little arse off when all of a sudden I saw these color ponies. And den I was like-
Vinyl: He never finished the thought because he took an arrow to the throat.
"LOLOL dese ponies are da ultra gay and you should all go kill urselves furfags!!!!1!!!" and I sent it to all of the peoples who were puttin da pwnies on ma hilarious arrow to the knee memes.
Fallen: They belong in the Homestuck fandom. Equius got knee-arrowed before it was cool.
Den I decide one day "Ponies are so gay, I bet the show is also gay as baloney." So
I turned on my compooter and
Octavia: went on a rampage with the Enter key.
when I did I went to the youtubes and I typed in "Gay little ponies lololol" and all of dese pony videos with da ponies come up and den literally rainbows came out of my eyes (true story)
Fallen: Not convinced.
and dey go all over ma desk and I am all like omg deese ponies are like da bestest.
Vinyl: Damn straight!
So den when people call da ponies gay I go to their account and yell at them for a good 40 hours and then have 100 comment long arguments wit dem on da youtubes comments because dey MUST luv the ponies too.
Octavia: As is the logical progression of things.
So after I watch all da episodes
Fallen: I don’t remember when this was written, so I can’t say for sure just how long that must have taken him.
I go to da outsides and I look around and I say "Pony" and a portal opens up it opens up right in front of it did and I looks at it, I looks at is and I says "PORTAL" and I jump inside da portal.
Fallen: Suddenly, Martin Willis.
Now remember, dis is all da true story.
Octavia: I’m sure it is.
So I go through the space-time continuum and as I fly through the portal my body is ripped and molded by the rapid speed and multiple forces acting upon my body.
Vinyl: Is he slowly being turned into something more than human?
When I land in Equestria my body is literally a pile of flesh and bones, mushed up and spread out. You could probably have made pudding out of my oozing flesh and crushed bones.
Vinyl: Ah well. Next best thing.
So den the ponies come up to me and say dis dey say,"Drew Peacock, it is yo destiny to defeat da evil dragon and have da secks with da Rainbow Dash."
Fallen: Not if fanon!Dash is as against the cock as people say.
I say "Ok ponies show me where da dragon is." Rainbow Dash can wait for later.
Vinyl: Dude... why are you stalling it?
So dey show me where the big old scary dragon is and I looks him in the eye I looks him right in it and I says,"YOU BIG DUMB DRAGON IMA FUCK YO FUCKIN SHIT UP BRO COME AT ME, UMAD?
Octavia: Is his plan to annoy it to death?
Fallen: I don’t doubt it’s going to happen whether he wants it to or not.
I SHOW YOU WHAT IT MEANS TO TAKE AN ARROW TO THE KNEE."
Fallen: Face, meet palm. Get used to each other’s company.
I shot the dragon in the arrow with a knee, and he fell to the ground, a knee stuck in his arrow.
Vinyl: ...I’m having a hard time imagining that.
I was all like, "AWWWW YEAHHHHH BRING ON THE PRIZEs."
Fallen: (pumps shotgun) Your reward is death.
Vinyl: Hey! Put that away before you hurt somepony!
So den da ponies cfome up to me, all six of dem Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy, and dey cheer for me
Vinyl: Well, Flutters TRIES to.
and den I take Rainbow Dash to a special place.
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: I wish I didn’t.
And den right after I wus dun with da Rainbow Dash I took da Rarity and I gave her a lollipop.
If you know what I mean...
Fallen: We’re not that stupid.
And den I grabbed the Fluttershy and I gave her a ticket to ride the best roller coaster in all of Equestria.
If you know what I mean...
Vinyl: The Supermare one!?
Fallen: Okay, MOST of us aren’t that stupid.
And den I taked Twilight Sparkle and I showed her how to brush her teeth with a toothbrush.
If you know what I mean...
Fallen: Oh my god, stop talking.
And then I played Monopoly with Pinkie Pie.
Vinyl: Is this another euphemism? Because I don’t get it.
No, I seriously played Monopoly the boardgame with Pinkie Pie.
If you know what I mean...
Vinyl: You just bucking EXPLAINED what you mean!
And then I placed a bucket on my head
Octavia: Wait... BUCKET!?
Fallen: Oh god, I think these stories have CONTINUITY.
and went to Applejack's nearest local gas station.
If you know what she means....
Vinyl: AJ likes anal?
So den after we were all done with all the you know what I means
Octavia: Oh, thank Celestia.
we went to an amusement park and went into a photo booth and got a picture so that I could take it home wiht me and show all of my brony friends (one of them)
Fallen: That’s kind of sad.
and dey would all be like
"OMG HOQW DID YOU MEET DA PONIES I AM SO JEALOUS"
Fallen: Not every brony wants to MEET the ponies.
Vinyl: You don’t have to WANT to meet us, though!
Fallen: Why can I never make a point without someone trying to undermine it? Also, how do they not assume it’s Photoshopped?
and I would be like
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: No! I don’t! Now STOP SAYING THAT!
And then they would all go nuts and I would lick their nuts.
Vinyl: Nope. I’m done.
Octavia: You’re staying RIGHT HERE, Vinyl Scratch! If I must suffer, you’re suffering with me!
I mean, I wouldn't lick their nuts that is gay. (But I actually would lick the nuts they went nuts with)
Vinyl: Oh. That makes sense.
Fallen: ...it does?
Vinyl: NO!
And then after I was done eating nuts we'd all get some thick cream to celebrate with and invite Twilight Sparkle to come.
Vinyl: If you know what-
Octavia: SHUT UP!
We would all display our nuts while whiping the cream all about the area, trying to land some of it's thick, creamy goodness in our mouths and show off how white it could make out mouths.
Fallen: If you imagine it like a food fight, it’s just wasteful.
Octavia: And if you imagine it as the author intends, it’s HORRID.
Cream literally was spewing everywhere while we went nuts with Twilight Sparkles, who was dancing on the floor a lot while the cream fell onto her body.
Vinyl: She’s into bukkake? Wow, Fallen, your friends are kinkier than I thought!
Fallen: Hey! No one gets to say that kind of shit about them but ME!
And den she say
"Drew Peacock just through cream all over me!"
Octavia: Does he not know how dialogue formatting is meant to work?
Fallen: It’s Troll. This is on purpose.
and den I said
"lol twilight,"
Vinyl: Is he allergic to using his keyboard right?
Fallen: IT’S ON PURPOSE.
and then I got some Italian sausage out of my fridge and we had an Italian sausage fight. Twilight won because she is a unicorn.
Fallen: Losing a cock fight with a girl. You must have the world’s cruelest handicap.
The rest of my friends died in the carnage. My house was destroyed but I did not cares because da Twilight Sparkle was in my house.
Octavia: She’s not in the house if there is no house left.
I loveeeee heerrrrrr soooooo muchhhhhhh. I is not even joking we almost had a hug but she said,"Ew you're Drew Peacock,"
Vinyl: First smart thing I’ve seen anyone do in this story.
and did not give me hug and I was sad but it was okay because I got to touch her like once or twice so it's all good.
Fallen: Not that it helps you NOW, since she has a restraining order...
And den Twilight Sparkle went back to Equestria becuz she's a good pony and good ponies do not stay on Earth.
Octavia: Nopony has ever gone to Earth. Where’s your frame of reference?
And then I went back to da planet earth and I went back to trolling the internet.
Fallen: You ever stopped?
I'd say that this was a success.
Octavia: In what way? I didn’t even realize this man had any goals throughout the story!
And this is all a true story, I promise.
Fallen and Vinyl: BULLSHIT.
If you know what I mean...
Octavia: STOP THE STORY.
Vinyl: ...the story’s over.
Fallen: Yeah. You survived all four.
Octavia: Oh. Well then.
Fallen: Alright. How did we fare this time?
Vinyl: I feel raped.
Octavia: I am NEVER doing anything like this again.
Pinkie: (from TV) That’s the spirit! I’m so glad you liked it!
Octavia: Yet another reason I can’t understand how everypony puts up with you.
Vinyl: Lay off her, Octy. She’s actually one of the nicest mares ever.
Octavia: Forgive me if this little marathon of stories didn’t convince me of that.
Fallen: Yeah, this one was a bit rougher than I expected. But Octavia, I’ve gotta say, for your first round, you took it like a champ.
Octavia: What do you mean “first?” Do you expect me to come back and do this again?
Fallen: I don’t. But you’re actually alright. Even if you just wanted to drop in for a visit, my doors are always open. I mean, unless Pinkie locks them. Same to you, Vinyl.
Vinyl: I’ll be back for sure!
Octavia: Time will tell for me, I suppose. For now, I want nothing more than to get out of this loaded death trap-
Fallen: Hey!
Octavia: -and join my ensemble for practice.
Vinyl: I’ll get you there, don’t you worry. Here, I’ll even show you out!
(Vinyl grabs the recharged bass cannon and blasts the doors open again.)
Fallen: I’m not letting you bring that in here anymore if you’re just gonna keep doing that.
Vinyl: “Anymore?” I never brought it over before now.
Fallen: Yeah, and all you’ve done is break my doors TWICE.
Octavia: I told you he wouldn’t appreciate that!
Vinyl: Oh, it’s not that bad! How quickly did you fix it last time?
Dash: (from TV) I still have no idea how that happened.
Fallen: I’m not questioning it. Questioning things tends to anger me.
Pinkie: Ooh. You might not like the next marathon, then.
Fallen: Next WHAT!?
Octavia: I think that’s our cue to leave before Fallen has a meltdown or Pinkie decides to lock us in longer.
Vinyl: Yeah, alright. See you around, Pinkie! (walks out with Octavia)
Dash: Yeah. Another marathon. Nopony told you she was putting that together?
Fallen: NO!
Pinkie: Well, I’m still working out the kinks, so it’s not ready yet. Soon, though!
Dash: I’m just glad I know it’s coming this time. You caught me by surprise with the first one.
Fallen: Also, random question: how the hell did Octavia’s ensemble get a video chat thing?
Dash: THEY didn’t. Whatever music place they’re at right now must have had one.
Pinkie: They’re still making more of them and getting them to other ponies and places! I think production’s slowing down, though.
Fallen: Why? Suddenly they’ve been rendered obsolete by laptops?
Pinkie: Dunno. That’s just what I’ve heard. Dashie, we’re done here, so hit the button!
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Vinyl: I feel raped.
Octavia: I am NEVER doing anything like this again.
Pinkie: (from TV) That’s the spirit! I’m so glad you liked it!
Octavia: Yet another reason I can’t understand how everypony puts up with you.
Vinyl: Lay off her, Octy. She’s actually one of the nicest mares ever.
Octavia: Forgive me if this little marathon of stories didn’t convince me of that.
Fallen: Yeah, this one was a bit rougher than I expected. But Octavia, I’ve gotta say, for your first round, you took it like a champ.
Octavia: What do you mean “first?” Do you expect me to come back and do this again?
Fallen: I don’t. But you’re actually alright. Even if you just wanted to drop in for a visit, my doors are always open. I mean, unless Pinkie locks them. Same to you, Vinyl.
Vinyl: I’ll be back for sure!
Octavia: Time will tell for me, I suppose. For now, I want nothing more than to get out of this loaded death trap-
Fallen: Hey!
Octavia: -and join my ensemble for practice.
Vinyl: I’ll get you there, don’t you worry. Here, I’ll even show you out!
(Vinyl grabs the recharged bass cannon and blasts the doors open again.)
Fallen: I’m not letting you bring that in here anymore if you’re just gonna keep doing that.
Vinyl: “Anymore?” I never brought it over before now.
Fallen: Yeah, and all you’ve done is break my doors TWICE.
Octavia: I told you he wouldn’t appreciate that!
Vinyl: Oh, it’s not that bad! How quickly did you fix it last time?
Dash: (from TV) I still have no idea how that happened.
Fallen: I’m not questioning it. Questioning things tends to anger me.
Pinkie: Ooh. You might not like the next marathon, then.
Fallen: Next WHAT!?
Octavia: I think that’s our cue to leave before Fallen has a meltdown or Pinkie decides to lock us in longer.
Vinyl: Yeah, alright. See you around, Pinkie! (walks out with Octavia)
Dash: Yeah. Another marathon. Nopony told you she was putting that together?
Fallen: NO!
Pinkie: Well, I’m still working out the kinks, so it’s not ready yet. Soon, though!
Dash: I’m just glad I know it’s coming this time. You caught me by surprise with the first one.
Fallen: Also, random question: how the hell did Octavia’s ensemble get a video chat thing?
Dash: THEY didn’t. Whatever music place they’re at right now must have had one.
Pinkie: They’re still making more of them and getting them to other ponies and places! I think production’s slowing down, though.
Fallen: Why? Suddenly they’ve been rendered obsolete by laptops?
Pinkie: Dunno. That’s just what I’ve heard. Dashie, we’re done here, so hit the button!
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
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