FP Riffs 19: Pinkie Pie Torturethon
Once I launched “Derpy’s Finest Hour,” chinlamp and Glassed suggested I might be letting Pinkie Pie off too easy. What you’re about to see is my rebuttal. And in advance, I’d like to thank Draklox for sending me SO many candidates for this. However, a lot of them were too long to work with from a marathon standpoint, so I had to write them off... for now.
So yes, I’m going to be doing yet another marathon, this time a short one revolving around Pinkie Pie, for the sole purpose of making my favorite mane-six pony suffer. And on the roster, we have:
“The Pink-Furred Prostitute” by Alpha Pinkie. Nothing else needs to be said.
“The drinking pink pony” by Mrcakebombs. Basically, Pinkie gets wasted.
“Pinkie Pie learns a new word” by Kickass222urmom, author of the dreaded “Living the Dream.”
“Pinkie Gets Wet” by DontWannaKnow, marketed as a sequel to “A Fun Day!” For some reason.
“Pinkie Pie Molests even more fillies!” by mrhappyface. I just... I’m so sorry.
Now, you guys know I adore Pinkie. This won’t be easy for me either.
So yes, I’m going to be doing yet another marathon, this time a short one revolving around Pinkie Pie, for the sole purpose of making my favorite mane-six pony suffer. And on the roster, we have:
“The Pink-Furred Prostitute” by Alpha Pinkie. Nothing else needs to be said.
“The drinking pink pony” by Mrcakebombs. Basically, Pinkie gets wasted.
“Pinkie Pie learns a new word” by Kickass222urmom, author of the dreaded “Living the Dream.”
“Pinkie Gets Wet” by DontWannaKnow, marketed as a sequel to “A Fun Day!” For some reason.
“Pinkie Pie Molests even more fillies!” by mrhappyface. I just... I’m so sorry.
Now, you guys know I adore Pinkie. This won’t be easy for me either.
Fallen Prime: It’s all set up?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) It is.
Fallen: She’s on her way?
Dash: She is.
Fallen: She’ll cooperate?
Dash: Happily.
(The armory doors open to reveal Pinkie Pie.)
Pinkie Pie: Hi, Primey. Hi, Dashie.
Fallen: Right on time. You ready to completely BREAK, Pinkie?
Pinkie: I guess so. I’ll be doing this with you, though, so it should be fun, right?
Fallen: Not the point.
Pinkie: Well... it can’t be that bad, can it? What’d you grab for me?
Fallen: I have no idea what stories are here. I left Rainbow Dash to do the story selection.
Dash: I did do some of it, but not alone.
Fallen: Oh god, you had help? From who?
Gilda: (from TV) How does this dweeb have a BLACKLIST on her queue?
Fallen: ...you’re JOKING.
Dash: I’m not. She came by not long ago to apologize for her last visit. Must’ve been SOMEONE’S time of the month...
Gilda: Oh, shut up. I’m still ticked off at your little pink friend over there, though, so the more she suffers, the happier I’ll be.
Fallen: So we should expect this to hurt?
Dash: I’d say so.
Gilda: We decided on all stories about Pinkie Pie, right? That’s what I was going for.
Fallen: That was the plan, yeah.
Pinkie: PLEASE tell me you didn’t go through the blacklist!
Gilda: Can’t and won’t say it, sugar rush. Oddly enough, almost ALL the stories in here are about you.
Pinkie: Well, after “Pinkie Pie the filly molester,” I just figured...
Gilda: Wow. You can dish it out, but ya can’t take it? Do you even realize how pathetically uncool that is?
Fallen: Get to the point. What did you guys plan out for her?
Dash: We put together a list of five bad stories starring Pinkie Pie so you two could have yourselves a little marathon.
Pinkie: OOH! I LOVE marathons!
Fallen: That makes one of us. Can you give us a taste of what we’re in for?
Dash: Not really. I only picked two of the stories. Gilda did the rest.
Gilda: And the first story you’re getting is one of my picks. Get ready for “The Pink-Furred Prostitute!”
Pinkie: ...I get the sinking feeling this won’t be a fun marathon.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) It is.
Fallen: She’s on her way?
Dash: She is.
Fallen: She’ll cooperate?
Dash: Happily.
(The armory doors open to reveal Pinkie Pie.)
Pinkie Pie: Hi, Primey. Hi, Dashie.
Fallen: Right on time. You ready to completely BREAK, Pinkie?
Pinkie: I guess so. I’ll be doing this with you, though, so it should be fun, right?
Fallen: Not the point.
Pinkie: Well... it can’t be that bad, can it? What’d you grab for me?
Fallen: I have no idea what stories are here. I left Rainbow Dash to do the story selection.
Dash: I did do some of it, but not alone.
Fallen: Oh god, you had help? From who?
Gilda: (from TV) How does this dweeb have a BLACKLIST on her queue?
Fallen: ...you’re JOKING.
Dash: I’m not. She came by not long ago to apologize for her last visit. Must’ve been SOMEONE’S time of the month...
Gilda: Oh, shut up. I’m still ticked off at your little pink friend over there, though, so the more she suffers, the happier I’ll be.
Fallen: So we should expect this to hurt?
Dash: I’d say so.
Gilda: We decided on all stories about Pinkie Pie, right? That’s what I was going for.
Fallen: That was the plan, yeah.
Pinkie: PLEASE tell me you didn’t go through the blacklist!
Gilda: Can’t and won’t say it, sugar rush. Oddly enough, almost ALL the stories in here are about you.
Pinkie: Well, after “Pinkie Pie the filly molester,” I just figured...
Gilda: Wow. You can dish it out, but ya can’t take it? Do you even realize how pathetically uncool that is?
Fallen: Get to the point. What did you guys plan out for her?
Dash: We put together a list of five bad stories starring Pinkie Pie so you two could have yourselves a little marathon.
Pinkie: OOH! I LOVE marathons!
Fallen: That makes one of us. Can you give us a taste of what we’re in for?
Dash: Not really. I only picked two of the stories. Gilda did the rest.
Gilda: And the first story you’re getting is one of my picks. Get ready for “The Pink-Furred Prostitute!”
Pinkie: ...I get the sinking feeling this won’t be a fun marathon.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
As the sun lowers casting
Fallen: It wants to limit it to ten actors. There’s not a big enough budget for a full production.
an auburn coloured glow across the sky, three teenager ponies are sitting together underneath an oak tree. One colt with a blue coat seems uneasy and nervous until the pony to his left places his hoof on the young colt's shoulder.
Pinkie: “I’m pregnant, and you’re the father!”
"Listen Crunch, you're the only one of us left that hasn't gotten laid
Fallen: “You’re only saying that because I’m the only one who hasn’t been walked in on!”
and soon someone will find out and you'll be the laughing stock of the whole school until you graduate." Crunch's friend stated.
Fallen: Seriously? No. I LIVED that shit, so I know kids aren’t like that.
"Yeah man that's like 6 months of hell!" Crunch's other friend exclaimed rather loudly
Pinkie: “Life without sex is the worst thing ever!”
Fallen: Said the virgin.
Pinkie: When did I say I was a virgin?
Fallen: I thought Rarity was the only one who wasn’t. We made such a big deal out of-
Pinkie: I didn’t say I wasn’t! I was just asking when I said it, because I don’t remember ever saying it.
Fallen: ...get back to the story.
"We don't want you going through that sort of torture so we're gonna fix this problem ASAP!"
The friend shoves a rather large sack of bits into Crunch's saddlebag.
Fallen: “Have sex with this money.”
"Now there is a baker in this town who works more than just the ovens if you get my meaning." he hinted.
Pinkie: “Seriously, get her on the dance floor, and that BODY...”
"You mean like a whore?" Crunch questioned.
Pinkie: (cringes)
Fallen: Already?
Pinkie: After “Rarity’s Generous Plan,” I don’t think I ever want to read about me having sex again.
Fallen: Well, we still have “Pinkie Pie’s Secret Ingredient” to deal with...
"No way, this girl's a high-priced genuine courtesan;
Fallen: I bet if Rarity ever got back into the-
Pinkie: Don’t. Please don’t start on Rarity.
and that's your early birthday present from us." he says patting the pocket with the sack of bits.
Fallen: I took that to mean a PANTS pocket, and considering how large that sack is...
"Now take these bits along to sugar cube corner; you know the place right?"
Crunch nods nervously.
Pinkie: “That’s the street corner with sugar cubes stacked up on top of it, right?”
"When you get there tell her this..." Crunch's friend whispers something into his ear.
Fallen: “I fucked your girlfriend. You’re not missing much.”
Crunch chuckles, "Isn't that just a little bit of a sleazy thing to say to a woman?"
Pinkie: “You need to go sleazier!”
"Trust me, if you drop the code phrase in a slightly seductive tone she'll get the hint and you can get your rocks off before
you become the top gossip story for the rest of the year"
Fallen: The best gossip stories have random Enter key use and no periods.
"Alright," Crunch says, "I'll try it; thanks guys!"
"Think nothing of it," he says, "always there to help out a friend."
Pinkie: Why can’t- no, no, no.
Fallen: What were you gonna say?
Pinkie: ...why couldn’t he help his friend out himself?
Crunch heads home early to go to bed, unsure of whether he should be excited or scared of the coming encounter with probably the most notable baker (and prostitute) in Ponyville.
Fallen: What, Pinkie fused with Rari-
Pinkie: I said don’t do that!
Fallen: Fine. Is this thing over?
Gilda: (from TV) Not at all. There are three chapters. What you just read was basically a prologue.
Fallen: Shit.
Crunch forces himself to get out of bed, knowing that today is especially important. After an hour of preparation Crunch psyches himself up in front of the mirror.
Fallen: I don’t think I want to know what that entails.
"You can do this, you CAN do this," he reassures himself, "All you gotta' do is walk in say the secret phrase and have a good time."
Pinkie: What if he doesn’t enjoy it, though? What if he’s gay and doesn’t know it?
Fallen: Where are all these gay jokes coming from?
Pinkie: My head! Duh!
With that, Crunch rushes out the door trotting hastily towards Sugar Cube Corner.
Fallen: Oh god. I just had a thought for if this went all “Cupcakes” on us...
Pinkie: What?
Fallen: Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
*Ding-a-ling*
Pinkie: Put that away! We’re not supposed to see that until later!
The sound of the bell on the baker's door nearly scaring the confidence out of him, Crunch trots towards the counter where he is met by the biggest smile in Equestria.
Pinkie: I took a picture of my smile, blew it up to ten times the normal size and hung it up behind the counter!
"HI!" Pinkie Pie says almost shouting in excitement at the thought of serving another customer.
Fallen: If you know what she means...
"Uhh...hello there" Crunch swallows nervously.
"We have a special sale on pies and tarts today, only two bits!" Pinkie says excitedly.
Fallen: How much are they normally?
Pinkie: You could always come to Sugarcube Corner and find out!
Falen: We’ve been over the “human in Ponyville” thing.
"I would like a cream pie please." Crunch says in a shaky voice.
Fallen: (facepalm)
"Will that be all sir?" Pinkie asks.
"No actually I would also like a...CREAM pie." Crunch said feeling terribly lame and blushing bright red.
Pinkie: He just said the same thing again.
Fallen: It’s the WAY he said it. Think about it...
Pinkie: ...oh.
Pinkie immediately stops her excited jittering and sits completely still. She leans in and gives Crunch a wicked smile.
Pinkie: “You’ll make the BEST cupcakes...”
"That'll be a hundred bits total sir."
Fallen: Damn. Your love doesn’t come cheap.
Crunch giggles nervously, "Wow...you didn't even blink!"
He reaches into his saddle bag and pulls out a brown sack full of bits.
Pinkie: I don’t think I’ve ever heard that euphemism before.
Fallen: They’re not talking about his balls, Pinkie.
"I haven't counted it myself but I think that should cover it."
Pinkie counts the bits, taking less than a minute to determine the total.
Pinkie: It shouldn’t take a minute to count to two!
Fallen: THEY’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HIS BALLS, PINKIE.
She opens the register and drops two bits in and dumps the rest of it in her own saddle bag behind the counter.
Fallen: And the Cakes never notice when her bag bulges with bits?
Pinkie: ...are you calling me a stall-
Fallen: NOT BALLS, PINKIE!
Pinkie Pie stares at Crunch seductively, "Now let's get started then."
Crunch can already feel the weight of his erection sliding it's way out of his sheath as Pinkie steps out from behind the booth. Circling Crunch like a predator,
Fallen: Now I HOPE it goes “Cupcakes,” if only so I can have justification for the Jaws imagery.
Pinkie brushes past his tail and mane with perfect grace sending masculine hormones pumping throughout his brain. His erection almost completely extended flops downwards towards the floor.
Pinkie: I dunno, that sounds kinda...
Fallen: Flaccid?
Pinkie: Yeah, that’s it!
Crunch flinches when a soft, wet tongue slides across his cock, sending him down to the floor where he lands on his behind. Another long lick along the length of his shaft causes him to shiver.
Fallen: Might want to put a heater on that tongue.
Pinkie puts her mouth directly over the head of his cock and suckles noisily drawing moans from her client.
Pinkie: What happened to all the commas? There’s some, but there’s not enough!
"Wowee, you're really good at that!" Crunch exclaims
Fallen: What experience does he have? I don’t have any either, but even I know a shitty blowjob will still stimulate you.
Pinkie smiles around his cock and thanks him for the compliment by forcing her throat to take more of his large pony pole. Crunch helps her out by putting his hoof atop her head and pushing her downwards causing her to gag slightly
Fallen: And puke all over him.
Pinkie: That’s probably grosser than anything the story’s gonna do with me!
until she reaches his testicles with her chin just close enough to give them a gentle nuzzle.
Pinkie: With that thing in my mouth? Should I really be moving my head that much?
Pinkie tries to pull away but Crunch holds her head down until she starts to struggle for air, relishing his dominant position. If he didn't feel confident before he sure does now.
Fallen: Nothing like getting your dick eaten to boost your confidence.
Pinkie: I’m not gonna eat it! ...am I?
Crunch releases Pinkie as she shoots up for air, breathing deeply and holding her chest as she catches her breath. Crunch smiles when he realises how much power he has over her.
Fallen: I don’t know. Aren’t you more at HER mercy if she’s giving you head?
Pinkie Pie stands up straight on all four legs.
"Let's try something else," she says a bit more confidently.
Pinkie: Why am I not more confident if I’m the one who’s done this before?
Fallen: Because letting the reverse be true guarantees that the fic will have logic. And everyone knows logic is banned from clop.
Crunch tries to get to upright but is denied as Pinkie pushes him roughly to the ground; Laying him on his back.
Pinkie: Is grammar banned from clop too?
Fallen: Guess so.
"What're you--"
Crunch is interrupted as Pinkie puts her hoof directly over his ribcage.
Fallen: Shattering every one. One even dug into his lung and made it explode.
Pinkie: HAPPY END!
"Now it's time to earn those bits." Pinkie says loudly
Pinkie: “I don’t deserve the money unless I sleep with you!”
Crunch notices the slick mare juice running down the inner side of Pinkie's hindleg as she plants her marehood directly above his cock.
Pinkie: Soon it’ll grow into an entire marejacket!
Crunch can feel the heat radiating off her pussy
Fallen: That sounds unhealthy. That could either kill you or give your penis superpowers.
as she descends while keeping her hoof over his mouth to stop his overly loud moans from the feeling of first time penetration. Facing him, Pinkie pushes his cock as far as she can.
Pinkie: But at some point it just stops bending down, and when you let it go it just goes SLAP on his belly!
Fallen: ...you’re scaring me.
After reaching the halfway point and letting Crunch moan freely the lubrication from her pussy allows him to thrust upwards, taking Pinkie by surprise and filling her marehood completely..
Fallen: The double period! For when you can’t choose between an ellipsis and a full stop!
"You sneaky thing you!" Pinkie says through a gasp, "but it's not your turn yet."
Pinkie: Hey, don’t be greedy! You’re there for him, not for you!
Fallen: ...I’m scared that that makes sense.
Pinkie lays down completely, chest-to-chest with Crunch and begins to bounce her backside while holding on to him. Moaning along with Crunch, Pinkie pistons her legs, taking his entire length at amazing speeds.
Pinkie: You had to TRY to go that slowly!
Crunch tries to push upwards, trying to fill her completely with each thrust but she has him pinned.
Fallen: One, two, three, HE’S OUT!
Crunch accepts defeat and lies back as Pinkie Pie works her expertly trained vaginal muscles around his thick filly filler.
Fallen: THERE’S a euphemism I never thought I’d see twice...
Minutes later they are both a pile of sweat and mare juice with Pinkie slowing down making long, deep thrusts using her pelvis, swallowing Crunch's cock completely.
Pinkie: So... do I or do I not snap it off?
Fallen: I’m not even really paying attention at this point.
Pinkie slows to a stop sweating all over her client; she lies flat against his chest with his massive tool still buried in her marehood.
"That...that...was good," Pinkie said between deep breaths.
Fallen: Did she come already?
Pinkie: Slow it down, story!
Fallen: ...you WANT this drawn out?
"We're not done yet," Crunch reminded her, "I asked for a CREAM pie remember?"
Fallen: “And if it’s at all possible, I’d prefer to eat it here.”
Pinkie: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Pinkie Pie giggles playfully, "That you did!"
She rises off him and steps a few feet away.
Fallen: Good divers know the value of a running start.
Pinkie: “CANNONBALL!”
"Come and get what you paid for."
Crunch rises to his feet and walks around her, smelling her strong feminine scent making his cock slap against his belly.
Pinkie: “Strong feminine scent” is the silliest euphemism for gravity I’ve ever seen!
He moves behind her and smiles as she raises her tail for him and grinning. Crunch's stallion instincts take over as he launches forward, thrusting his cock deep within her depths.
Fallen: Because depths aren’t deep enough.
"Oh yeah! Rut me you dirty stallion!"
Pinkie: “But wash up first!”
This is enough to set Crunch off as he plants his hooves either side of her ribcage and holds on for dear life as his hips start moving on their own sending powerful thrusts into Pinkie's rear end causing his balls to slap loudly against her cheeks.
Pinkie: Wrong end! It’s not in my mouth anymore! And he’d have to be doing it sideways for that to happen, and I don’t even know if that would WORK...
"Oh..oh...ooh that's-- Ahh!" Pinkie screams as she gets off underneath this no-longer-a-virgin stallion.
Crunch grits his teeth and snorts as he pummels her marehood
Pinkie: HEY! I never said I liked it rough!
until Pinkie climaxes, sending spurts of her feminine juices all over his wildly swinging ballsack
Fallen: (bashes head into wall)
Pinkie: What’s wrong, Primey?
Fallen: I got the mental image of his ballsack swinging on vines in the jungle.
Pinkie: ...PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHA-
and down her hindlegs. Crunch closes his teeth around her mane as he puts all of his weight onto her, causing her to lower her front end and stick her plump butt into the air. Pinkie climaxes again
Pinkie: How did I get off twice before he got off once?
Fallen: Porn logic. Clop’s version of the reason.
as Crunch drives his stallion meat as far as it will go into Pinkie's marehood. She clenches around his cock pulling him in for the finish.
Fallen: And BAM! Knife in the face!
"Fill me full of that sweet, sweet cream!" Pinkie screams.
Pinkie: (fills mouth with whipped cream)
Fallen: Way to make that gross, Pinkie.
Crunch completely loses it giving one last push to bury himself as deep down as he can as he erupts. His cock spurts freely, emptying itself into her receptive marehood.
Fallen: Why the hell is this such a common euphemism? It sounds so STUPID!
Crunch holds himself steady as he drains his balls into the mare beneath him. He felt like a true stallion.
Fallen: A tear of pride welled up in Barney Stinson’s eye, while tense consistency wept in sorrow.
Pinkie: ...is it over NOW?
Gilda: (from TV) Still got an epilogue.
Fallen: FUCK.
A few minutes later the two are cleaning themselves off. Pinkie is wiping away at body to clean all of the seed he spilled and Crunch is mopping the floor and the remains of their sexual pursuits.
Pinkie: It was important to save the brain bleach for last!
"Y'now, I could put you down on the list as a privileged client, you get 50 percent off each time you visit." Pinkie offers.
Fallen: He’s a first-timer in every sense of the phrase. Was he really THAT good?
"I'd love to come back, maybe once or twice but I can't afford to come back as often as I'd like," Crunch replies.
Pinkie: “Then maybe you should get a girlfriend!”
"Scratch that last comment, how about you become a VIP member, free visits, twenty four hours a day seven days a week; sound good?" Pinkie asks.
Fallen: So your clients are allowed to wake you up?
Pinkie: ...I HOPE that’s what it’s getting at.
Fallen: Also, you must REALLY be desperate to keep the gig up if you’ll offer to stop charging a first-time customer. A VIRGIN customer.
"Sounds great."
*Ding-a-ling*
Pinkie: Again? You just used it!
A large yellow pony with a very obvious underbite enters the store.
Fallen: Has he ever seen a dentist for that?
Pinkie: He’s tried, but Minuette couldn’t do anything.
Fallen: ...I thought her name was Colgate.
Pinkie: Ponies just keep calling her that because of her mane. Just like ponies keep calling Golden Harvest “Carrot Top!”
"Good afternoon Pinkie, and to you as well sir," he says.
"Hi Mr. Cake!" Pinkie says returning to her normal bouncy self.
Pinkie: I got the springs on my hooves surgically reattached!
Noticing the cleaning equipment Mr. Cake speaks up.
Fallen: “Make sure you’re THOROUGH this time. Mrs. Cake nearly slipped on semen after your last client.”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
"What in Equestria happened here?"
Pinkie: “You know that thing I do that you don’t like the twins seeing?”
"Oh well technically a pie's cream filling spurted out all over the store's floor;
Fallen: I think Mr. Cake should be concerned about Pinkie’s use of the word “technically.”
and this kind young stallion was polite enough
to stay and help me mop up."
Pinkie: “He even hit the Enter key for me! Not in the right place, but he’s trying!”
Mr. Cake stares at Crunch.
Fallen: “Look into my eyes...”
Pinkie: ...Ghost Rider?
Fallen: Shut up.
"Well if he's as nice as you say then you should offer him more cream pies for the future," Mr. Cake chuckles heartily.
Fallen and Pinkie: Ew.
"Oh don't worry I will." Pinkie giggles
"As long as he doesn't spill them he's alright with me." Mr. Cake says
Fallen and Pinkie: Ew.
Crunch and Pinkie look at each other and giggle.
Pinkie: Sex is HILARIOUS!
" Well I better get going," Crunch speaks up, "Nice to have met you Mr. Cake, see you later Pinkie!"
"Wait you forgot your pie!"
Pinkie: Didn’t we JUST do it, though? How’d he already forget?
Pinkie calls, rushing up and stuffing it into his saddle bag.
Fallen: You can detach your vagina from your body? (smacked by Pinkie)
"Thanks Pinkie, I'll be back here for more tomorrow!"
Fallen: He was never seen again.
FIN
Pinkie: Aww! Without Jake?
Fallen: Did... did you just make an Adventure Time joke?
Pinkie: Break time!
Fallen: It wants to limit it to ten actors. There’s not a big enough budget for a full production.
an auburn coloured glow across the sky, three teenager ponies are sitting together underneath an oak tree. One colt with a blue coat seems uneasy and nervous until the pony to his left places his hoof on the young colt's shoulder.
Pinkie: “I’m pregnant, and you’re the father!”
"Listen Crunch, you're the only one of us left that hasn't gotten laid
Fallen: “You’re only saying that because I’m the only one who hasn’t been walked in on!”
and soon someone will find out and you'll be the laughing stock of the whole school until you graduate." Crunch's friend stated.
Fallen: Seriously? No. I LIVED that shit, so I know kids aren’t like that.
"Yeah man that's like 6 months of hell!" Crunch's other friend exclaimed rather loudly
Pinkie: “Life without sex is the worst thing ever!”
Fallen: Said the virgin.
Pinkie: When did I say I was a virgin?
Fallen: I thought Rarity was the only one who wasn’t. We made such a big deal out of-
Pinkie: I didn’t say I wasn’t! I was just asking when I said it, because I don’t remember ever saying it.
Fallen: ...get back to the story.
"We don't want you going through that sort of torture so we're gonna fix this problem ASAP!"
The friend shoves a rather large sack of bits into Crunch's saddlebag.
Fallen: “Have sex with this money.”
"Now there is a baker in this town who works more than just the ovens if you get my meaning." he hinted.
Pinkie: “Seriously, get her on the dance floor, and that BODY...”
"You mean like a whore?" Crunch questioned.
Pinkie: (cringes)
Fallen: Already?
Pinkie: After “Rarity’s Generous Plan,” I don’t think I ever want to read about me having sex again.
Fallen: Well, we still have “Pinkie Pie’s Secret Ingredient” to deal with...
"No way, this girl's a high-priced genuine courtesan;
Fallen: I bet if Rarity ever got back into the-
Pinkie: Don’t. Please don’t start on Rarity.
and that's your early birthday present from us." he says patting the pocket with the sack of bits.
Fallen: I took that to mean a PANTS pocket, and considering how large that sack is...
"Now take these bits along to sugar cube corner; you know the place right?"
Crunch nods nervously.
Pinkie: “That’s the street corner with sugar cubes stacked up on top of it, right?”
"When you get there tell her this..." Crunch's friend whispers something into his ear.
Fallen: “I fucked your girlfriend. You’re not missing much.”
Crunch chuckles, "Isn't that just a little bit of a sleazy thing to say to a woman?"
Pinkie: “You need to go sleazier!”
"Trust me, if you drop the code phrase in a slightly seductive tone she'll get the hint and you can get your rocks off before
you become the top gossip story for the rest of the year"
Fallen: The best gossip stories have random Enter key use and no periods.
"Alright," Crunch says, "I'll try it; thanks guys!"
"Think nothing of it," he says, "always there to help out a friend."
Pinkie: Why can’t- no, no, no.
Fallen: What were you gonna say?
Pinkie: ...why couldn’t he help his friend out himself?
Crunch heads home early to go to bed, unsure of whether he should be excited or scared of the coming encounter with probably the most notable baker (and prostitute) in Ponyville.
Fallen: What, Pinkie fused with Rari-
Pinkie: I said don’t do that!
Fallen: Fine. Is this thing over?
Gilda: (from TV) Not at all. There are three chapters. What you just read was basically a prologue.
Fallen: Shit.
Crunch forces himself to get out of bed, knowing that today is especially important. After an hour of preparation Crunch psyches himself up in front of the mirror.
Fallen: I don’t think I want to know what that entails.
"You can do this, you CAN do this," he reassures himself, "All you gotta' do is walk in say the secret phrase and have a good time."
Pinkie: What if he doesn’t enjoy it, though? What if he’s gay and doesn’t know it?
Fallen: Where are all these gay jokes coming from?
Pinkie: My head! Duh!
With that, Crunch rushes out the door trotting hastily towards Sugar Cube Corner.
Fallen: Oh god. I just had a thought for if this went all “Cupcakes” on us...
Pinkie: What?
Fallen: Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
*Ding-a-ling*
Pinkie: Put that away! We’re not supposed to see that until later!
The sound of the bell on the baker's door nearly scaring the confidence out of him, Crunch trots towards the counter where he is met by the biggest smile in Equestria.
Pinkie: I took a picture of my smile, blew it up to ten times the normal size and hung it up behind the counter!
"HI!" Pinkie Pie says almost shouting in excitement at the thought of serving another customer.
Fallen: If you know what she means...
"Uhh...hello there" Crunch swallows nervously.
"We have a special sale on pies and tarts today, only two bits!" Pinkie says excitedly.
Fallen: How much are they normally?
Pinkie: You could always come to Sugarcube Corner and find out!
Falen: We’ve been over the “human in Ponyville” thing.
"I would like a cream pie please." Crunch says in a shaky voice.
Fallen: (facepalm)
"Will that be all sir?" Pinkie asks.
"No actually I would also like a...CREAM pie." Crunch said feeling terribly lame and blushing bright red.
Pinkie: He just said the same thing again.
Fallen: It’s the WAY he said it. Think about it...
Pinkie: ...oh.
Pinkie immediately stops her excited jittering and sits completely still. She leans in and gives Crunch a wicked smile.
Pinkie: “You’ll make the BEST cupcakes...”
"That'll be a hundred bits total sir."
Fallen: Damn. Your love doesn’t come cheap.
Crunch giggles nervously, "Wow...you didn't even blink!"
He reaches into his saddle bag and pulls out a brown sack full of bits.
Pinkie: I don’t think I’ve ever heard that euphemism before.
Fallen: They’re not talking about his balls, Pinkie.
"I haven't counted it myself but I think that should cover it."
Pinkie counts the bits, taking less than a minute to determine the total.
Pinkie: It shouldn’t take a minute to count to two!
Fallen: THEY’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT HIS BALLS, PINKIE.
She opens the register and drops two bits in and dumps the rest of it in her own saddle bag behind the counter.
Fallen: And the Cakes never notice when her bag bulges with bits?
Pinkie: ...are you calling me a stall-
Fallen: NOT BALLS, PINKIE!
Pinkie Pie stares at Crunch seductively, "Now let's get started then."
Crunch can already feel the weight of his erection sliding it's way out of his sheath as Pinkie steps out from behind the booth. Circling Crunch like a predator,
Fallen: Now I HOPE it goes “Cupcakes,” if only so I can have justification for the Jaws imagery.
Pinkie brushes past his tail and mane with perfect grace sending masculine hormones pumping throughout his brain. His erection almost completely extended flops downwards towards the floor.
Pinkie: I dunno, that sounds kinda...
Fallen: Flaccid?
Pinkie: Yeah, that’s it!
Crunch flinches when a soft, wet tongue slides across his cock, sending him down to the floor where he lands on his behind. Another long lick along the length of his shaft causes him to shiver.
Fallen: Might want to put a heater on that tongue.
Pinkie puts her mouth directly over the head of his cock and suckles noisily drawing moans from her client.
Pinkie: What happened to all the commas? There’s some, but there’s not enough!
"Wowee, you're really good at that!" Crunch exclaims
Fallen: What experience does he have? I don’t have any either, but even I know a shitty blowjob will still stimulate you.
Pinkie smiles around his cock and thanks him for the compliment by forcing her throat to take more of his large pony pole. Crunch helps her out by putting his hoof atop her head and pushing her downwards causing her to gag slightly
Fallen: And puke all over him.
Pinkie: That’s probably grosser than anything the story’s gonna do with me!
until she reaches his testicles with her chin just close enough to give them a gentle nuzzle.
Pinkie: With that thing in my mouth? Should I really be moving my head that much?
Pinkie tries to pull away but Crunch holds her head down until she starts to struggle for air, relishing his dominant position. If he didn't feel confident before he sure does now.
Fallen: Nothing like getting your dick eaten to boost your confidence.
Pinkie: I’m not gonna eat it! ...am I?
Crunch releases Pinkie as she shoots up for air, breathing deeply and holding her chest as she catches her breath. Crunch smiles when he realises how much power he has over her.
Fallen: I don’t know. Aren’t you more at HER mercy if she’s giving you head?
Pinkie Pie stands up straight on all four legs.
"Let's try something else," she says a bit more confidently.
Pinkie: Why am I not more confident if I’m the one who’s done this before?
Fallen: Because letting the reverse be true guarantees that the fic will have logic. And everyone knows logic is banned from clop.
Crunch tries to get to upright but is denied as Pinkie pushes him roughly to the ground; Laying him on his back.
Pinkie: Is grammar banned from clop too?
Fallen: Guess so.
"What're you--"
Crunch is interrupted as Pinkie puts her hoof directly over his ribcage.
Fallen: Shattering every one. One even dug into his lung and made it explode.
Pinkie: HAPPY END!
"Now it's time to earn those bits." Pinkie says loudly
Pinkie: “I don’t deserve the money unless I sleep with you!”
Crunch notices the slick mare juice running down the inner side of Pinkie's hindleg as she plants her marehood directly above his cock.
Pinkie: Soon it’ll grow into an entire marejacket!
Crunch can feel the heat radiating off her pussy
Fallen: That sounds unhealthy. That could either kill you or give your penis superpowers.
as she descends while keeping her hoof over his mouth to stop his overly loud moans from the feeling of first time penetration. Facing him, Pinkie pushes his cock as far as she can.
Pinkie: But at some point it just stops bending down, and when you let it go it just goes SLAP on his belly!
Fallen: ...you’re scaring me.
After reaching the halfway point and letting Crunch moan freely the lubrication from her pussy allows him to thrust upwards, taking Pinkie by surprise and filling her marehood completely..
Fallen: The double period! For when you can’t choose between an ellipsis and a full stop!
"You sneaky thing you!" Pinkie says through a gasp, "but it's not your turn yet."
Pinkie: Hey, don’t be greedy! You’re there for him, not for you!
Fallen: ...I’m scared that that makes sense.
Pinkie lays down completely, chest-to-chest with Crunch and begins to bounce her backside while holding on to him. Moaning along with Crunch, Pinkie pistons her legs, taking his entire length at amazing speeds.
Pinkie: You had to TRY to go that slowly!
Crunch tries to push upwards, trying to fill her completely with each thrust but she has him pinned.
Fallen: One, two, three, HE’S OUT!
Crunch accepts defeat and lies back as Pinkie Pie works her expertly trained vaginal muscles around his thick filly filler.
Fallen: THERE’S a euphemism I never thought I’d see twice...
Minutes later they are both a pile of sweat and mare juice with Pinkie slowing down making long, deep thrusts using her pelvis, swallowing Crunch's cock completely.
Pinkie: So... do I or do I not snap it off?
Fallen: I’m not even really paying attention at this point.
Pinkie slows to a stop sweating all over her client; she lies flat against his chest with his massive tool still buried in her marehood.
"That...that...was good," Pinkie said between deep breaths.
Fallen: Did she come already?
Pinkie: Slow it down, story!
Fallen: ...you WANT this drawn out?
"We're not done yet," Crunch reminded her, "I asked for a CREAM pie remember?"
Fallen: “And if it’s at all possible, I’d prefer to eat it here.”
Pinkie: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Pinkie Pie giggles playfully, "That you did!"
She rises off him and steps a few feet away.
Fallen: Good divers know the value of a running start.
Pinkie: “CANNONBALL!”
"Come and get what you paid for."
Crunch rises to his feet and walks around her, smelling her strong feminine scent making his cock slap against his belly.
Pinkie: “Strong feminine scent” is the silliest euphemism for gravity I’ve ever seen!
He moves behind her and smiles as she raises her tail for him and grinning. Crunch's stallion instincts take over as he launches forward, thrusting his cock deep within her depths.
Fallen: Because depths aren’t deep enough.
"Oh yeah! Rut me you dirty stallion!"
Pinkie: “But wash up first!”
This is enough to set Crunch off as he plants his hooves either side of her ribcage and holds on for dear life as his hips start moving on their own sending powerful thrusts into Pinkie's rear end causing his balls to slap loudly against her cheeks.
Pinkie: Wrong end! It’s not in my mouth anymore! And he’d have to be doing it sideways for that to happen, and I don’t even know if that would WORK...
"Oh..oh...ooh that's-- Ahh!" Pinkie screams as she gets off underneath this no-longer-a-virgin stallion.
Crunch grits his teeth and snorts as he pummels her marehood
Pinkie: HEY! I never said I liked it rough!
until Pinkie climaxes, sending spurts of her feminine juices all over his wildly swinging ballsack
Fallen: (bashes head into wall)
Pinkie: What’s wrong, Primey?
Fallen: I got the mental image of his ballsack swinging on vines in the jungle.
Pinkie: ...PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHA-
and down her hindlegs. Crunch closes his teeth around her mane as he puts all of his weight onto her, causing her to lower her front end and stick her plump butt into the air. Pinkie climaxes again
Pinkie: How did I get off twice before he got off once?
Fallen: Porn logic. Clop’s version of the reason.
as Crunch drives his stallion meat as far as it will go into Pinkie's marehood. She clenches around his cock pulling him in for the finish.
Fallen: And BAM! Knife in the face!
"Fill me full of that sweet, sweet cream!" Pinkie screams.
Pinkie: (fills mouth with whipped cream)
Fallen: Way to make that gross, Pinkie.
Crunch completely loses it giving one last push to bury himself as deep down as he can as he erupts. His cock spurts freely, emptying itself into her receptive marehood.
Fallen: Why the hell is this such a common euphemism? It sounds so STUPID!
Crunch holds himself steady as he drains his balls into the mare beneath him. He felt like a true stallion.
Fallen: A tear of pride welled up in Barney Stinson’s eye, while tense consistency wept in sorrow.
Pinkie: ...is it over NOW?
Gilda: (from TV) Still got an epilogue.
Fallen: FUCK.
A few minutes later the two are cleaning themselves off. Pinkie is wiping away at body to clean all of the seed he spilled and Crunch is mopping the floor and the remains of their sexual pursuits.
Pinkie: It was important to save the brain bleach for last!
"Y'now, I could put you down on the list as a privileged client, you get 50 percent off each time you visit." Pinkie offers.
Fallen: He’s a first-timer in every sense of the phrase. Was he really THAT good?
"I'd love to come back, maybe once or twice but I can't afford to come back as often as I'd like," Crunch replies.
Pinkie: “Then maybe you should get a girlfriend!”
"Scratch that last comment, how about you become a VIP member, free visits, twenty four hours a day seven days a week; sound good?" Pinkie asks.
Fallen: So your clients are allowed to wake you up?
Pinkie: ...I HOPE that’s what it’s getting at.
Fallen: Also, you must REALLY be desperate to keep the gig up if you’ll offer to stop charging a first-time customer. A VIRGIN customer.
"Sounds great."
*Ding-a-ling*
Pinkie: Again? You just used it!
A large yellow pony with a very obvious underbite enters the store.
Fallen: Has he ever seen a dentist for that?
Pinkie: He’s tried, but Minuette couldn’t do anything.
Fallen: ...I thought her name was Colgate.
Pinkie: Ponies just keep calling her that because of her mane. Just like ponies keep calling Golden Harvest “Carrot Top!”
"Good afternoon Pinkie, and to you as well sir," he says.
"Hi Mr. Cake!" Pinkie says returning to her normal bouncy self.
Pinkie: I got the springs on my hooves surgically reattached!
Noticing the cleaning equipment Mr. Cake speaks up.
Fallen: “Make sure you’re THOROUGH this time. Mrs. Cake nearly slipped on semen after your last client.”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
"What in Equestria happened here?"
Pinkie: “You know that thing I do that you don’t like the twins seeing?”
"Oh well technically a pie's cream filling spurted out all over the store's floor;
Fallen: I think Mr. Cake should be concerned about Pinkie’s use of the word “technically.”
and this kind young stallion was polite enough
to stay and help me mop up."
Pinkie: “He even hit the Enter key for me! Not in the right place, but he’s trying!”
Mr. Cake stares at Crunch.
Fallen: “Look into my eyes...”
Pinkie: ...Ghost Rider?
Fallen: Shut up.
"Well if he's as nice as you say then you should offer him more cream pies for the future," Mr. Cake chuckles heartily.
Fallen and Pinkie: Ew.
"Oh don't worry I will." Pinkie giggles
"As long as he doesn't spill them he's alright with me." Mr. Cake says
Fallen and Pinkie: Ew.
Crunch and Pinkie look at each other and giggle.
Pinkie: Sex is HILARIOUS!
" Well I better get going," Crunch speaks up, "Nice to have met you Mr. Cake, see you later Pinkie!"
"Wait you forgot your pie!"
Pinkie: Didn’t we JUST do it, though? How’d he already forget?
Pinkie calls, rushing up and stuffing it into his saddle bag.
Fallen: You can detach your vagina from your body? (smacked by Pinkie)
"Thanks Pinkie, I'll be back here for more tomorrow!"
Fallen: He was never seen again.
FIN
Pinkie: Aww! Without Jake?
Fallen: Did... did you just make an Adventure Time joke?
Pinkie: Break time!
Fallen: Well, that wasn’t too awful. Just poorly-written, underwhelmingly short, plotless clop.
Pinkie: Is me being a hooker really popular in the fandom?
Fallen: When it comes to generalizations about your sex life, it’s either you’re promiscuous or you’re off-puttingly kinky. There’s usually overlap.
Pinkie: Seriously? HOW?
Fallen: I think it’s because of your absolutely wild personality. People just love to make assumptions like that.
Gilda: (from TV) I notice a huge lack of breaking from Pinkie. That didn’t even help a LITTLE bit?
Dash: (from TV) She’s tougher than you give her credit for. That’s why we’re doing a BUNCH of stories instead of just the one.
Gilda: True. And looking at this list we have, I think she’ll be down and out by the end.
Dash: What’d you put on there anyway?
Gilda: You’ll see. So who do you think will break first, Pinkie or that human guy? He doesn’t look that tough.
Fallen: Bitch, I made a working AK-47 out of a shovel.
Gilda: But you couldn’t take me in a fight.
Fallen: I’d have a range advantage on you. Projectile weapons tend to win out over hand-to-hand.
Gilda: I can race head-to-head with Dash on a good day. The range gap won’t amount to ANYTHING if I get to you fast enough.
Fallen: Bitch, please. You can’t outfly a bullet.
Dash: How about we stop trying to kill each other and get back to this riffing marathon?
Gilda and Fallen: Ruin MY fun, why don’t you...
Pinkie: Thanks, Dashie! So, what’s next?
Dash: One of my picks. I didn’t think the title sounded TOO bad, and I haven’t read it through, but who knows? This could still do the trick.
Fallen: What is it?
Dash: “The drinking pink pony!”
Fallen: That sounds more like it’s about Berry Punch.
Pinkie: How many times do we have to tell you she’s not an-
Dash: Is her coat really that pink?
Pinkie: ...that too!
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
Pinkie: Is me being a hooker really popular in the fandom?
Fallen: When it comes to generalizations about your sex life, it’s either you’re promiscuous or you’re off-puttingly kinky. There’s usually overlap.
Pinkie: Seriously? HOW?
Fallen: I think it’s because of your absolutely wild personality. People just love to make assumptions like that.
Gilda: (from TV) I notice a huge lack of breaking from Pinkie. That didn’t even help a LITTLE bit?
Dash: (from TV) She’s tougher than you give her credit for. That’s why we’re doing a BUNCH of stories instead of just the one.
Gilda: True. And looking at this list we have, I think she’ll be down and out by the end.
Dash: What’d you put on there anyway?
Gilda: You’ll see. So who do you think will break first, Pinkie or that human guy? He doesn’t look that tough.
Fallen: Bitch, I made a working AK-47 out of a shovel.
Gilda: But you couldn’t take me in a fight.
Fallen: I’d have a range advantage on you. Projectile weapons tend to win out over hand-to-hand.
Gilda: I can race head-to-head with Dash on a good day. The range gap won’t amount to ANYTHING if I get to you fast enough.
Fallen: Bitch, please. You can’t outfly a bullet.
Dash: How about we stop trying to kill each other and get back to this riffing marathon?
Gilda and Fallen: Ruin MY fun, why don’t you...
Pinkie: Thanks, Dashie! So, what’s next?
Dash: One of my picks. I didn’t think the title sounded TOO bad, and I haven’t read it through, but who knows? This could still do the trick.
Fallen: What is it?
Dash: “The drinking pink pony!”
Fallen: That sounds more like it’s about Berry Punch.
Pinkie: How many times do we have to tell you she’s not an-
Dash: Is her coat really that pink?
Pinkie: ...that too!
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
It is present-day pony ville. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping,
Pinkie: Bees are trying to have sex with them...
Fallen: ...
Pinkie: As is my understanding.
and the streets are thriving with ponies. The camera
Fallen: Yeah, FUCKING NO.
goes across the street, passing several ponies, until finally going near a large treehouse. just a few hundred feet, the bushes are seen rustling, and suddenly a pink pony is seen becoming conscious. The camera fades.
Pinkie: What was the point of that?
Fallen: If it was to give me “My Big Flare: Friendship is Epic” flashbacks, it succeeded in pissing me off.
Pinkie pie suddenly awoke in the bushes near twilight’s house. She didn’t know where she was, until her vision finally came to.
Pinkie: So my eyesight regained consciousness after I did?
When it did, she found out she was lying on the stomach of a grey mare known as Derpy hooves. With a massive throbbing
Fallen: Don’t you dare-
headache,
Fallen: Oh. Okay.
pinkie slowly gets up, holding her head.
“Ohh...my head...what happened.” she said with a sigh.
Pinkie: I’m guessing I drank.
She was right, what DID happen the night before? How did she end up in the bushes, on the belly of Derpy hooves?
Fallen: Why was she missing a tooth? Why was there a tiger in the bathroom? WHOSE FOAL WAS THIS!?
Suddenly, the memories of the night before re-immersed into pinkie pie’s mind...
Pinkie: “Re-immersed?”
Fallen: I do not think it means what you think it means.
It is around 8:30, the sun is down, and most of the ponies are either inside their homes and shops, or asleep.
Fallen: Asleep before 9? Seriously?
There is a certain Building on the horizon. It is a large building, made from wooden planks. On the top of the entrance, on a sign, says the words “Bar”.
Pinkie: I LOVE the “Bar” bar!
A familiar pink pony is seen walking down the street, however, she is not as happy as we are used to.
Fallen: BAD author! What did I tell you about addressing the audience directly?
For the past 2 months, sugar cube corner’s business has been going downhill, and 2 more infant mouths to feed aren’t helping the welfare of the cakes.
Pinkie: Are you kidding? Business has never been better! And I’m always there to help if they need it!
With money becoming more and more tight, Pinkie pie has been noticeably less happy. With foreclosure just a few weeks down the road if business keeps going this way, there is very little to be happy about, even for the element of laughter.
Pinkie: (giggling)
Fallen: The hell are YOU laughing at?
Pinkie: The fact that the story thinks any of this is possible!
Fallen: Then why didn’t you just laugh at “120 Days of-”
Pinkie: STOP TALKING.
Pinkie pie slowly opens the door to the bar, and goes to the bartender counter.
“Hey there pinkie, what can i get you tonight?”
Pinkie: “How about you start me off with some capital letters?”
“A pine-colada, shaken not stirred.”
Fallen: “Right away, Mr. Bond.”
As the bartender dissapears behind the counter, pinkie pie obverses the room around her. The room, just like outside, is made of wooden planks.
Fallen: That tends to happen when you make the building out of wooden planks.
in the inside however, the wooden planks are less vibrant than on the exterior. The shelfs in front of her are filled with all types of bottles, some empty, some un-opened.
Pinkie: Why would they leave the empty ones on the shelves?
In the corners of the room, are 4 pool tables, with 5 ponies playing. The air is thick with cigar smoke,
Fallen: There are really still bars that let you smoke indoors?
Pinkie: Not in Ponyville.
and in the background, faint music can be heard from the radio on the top shelf.
Pinkie looks over to the other stools.
Fallen: Why does this bar not have flushing toilets?
Just a few seats down are two ponies engaging in conversation, and in the end corner is a brown male pegasus, a few scars on his face,
Fallen: Watch out, we’ve got a badass over here.
Pinkie: How can you tell?
Fallen: It’s called sarcasm, Pinkie.
drinking down shot after shot, probably conflicted with recent memories. Kodi was it? She didn't know. That pony was new.
Pinkie: Is this a self-insert OC?
Fallen: Considering he never appears again, I doubt it matters.
Suddenly, the bartender returns and gives pinkie her drink.
“Thanks, berry punch.” She says, before gulping down the drink.
Fallen: So instead of being a drunkard, Berry’s a bartender?
Pinkie: That’s something the story actually got RIGHT!
Fallen: ...what.
Pinkie pie straightens herself on the stool, and gives the glass to berry.
“Another, please.” she affirms, handing down a few more coins.
Fallen: And knowing how much you drink in this story... how many of those did you bring with you?
Pinkie: Probably everything I made sleeping with Crunch!
The purple pony disappears behind the counter again, just to re-appear a few minutes later.
Pinkie pie just stares blatantly at her drink in front of her,
Fallen: Well, OBVIOUSLY.
before gulping it down. She knows it’s bad to drink, her parents had always told her that, but at this point, she really didn’t care. She had too much drama in her life to care anymore.
Pinkie: Well, THAT sounds like somepony that’s not me.
Fallen: Congrats, Pinkie, you’re the new Element of Apathy.
“Another.” and just like before, the bartender goes into the cellar, and comes back with another glass of alchohol.
“Bottoms up” Pinkie says, before chugging the glass.
Fallen: It’s just a glass. You can chug more than that.
This process repeats for several times until Pinkie has gotten very tipsy. Her language has become slurred, and it is very apparent, to almost any pony, that she is drunk.
Pinkie: Tipsy or drunk? That’s two different levels of wasted!
"I think that's enough for now, pinkie." Says the bartender.
"No...I'm not DAT drunk...am i?"
Fallen: Dat drunk.
"Well, you sound a litt-"
"OH! You wanna insult me!? Come at me, pony!"
Fallen: Boy. That escalated quickly.
Pinkie jumps off the stool and becomes aggresive towards berry.
Pinkie: I think I see Captain Obvious’s ship in the distance!
Fallen: Yeah, that’s definitely the S.S. No Shit Sherlock.
"Don't make me call the police, pinkie!" The bartender becomes serious
Pinkie: I think he’s pulling into port!
Fallen: Yep, he’s here to stay.
"Out of all the ponies, i never thought you would try to hurt me...more or less not be able to handle your alchohol."
Fallen: “I KNEW you’d get wasted from the alcohol, but I thought your alchohol tolerance was higher!”
Pinkie suddenly realizes the error of her ways. She settles down and sits back on the chair, and sets her heads in her arms.
Pinkie: Wait, “arms?”
Fallen: That’s actually a common mistake I see. Ignore it.
Several minutes later, she speaks up.
"Berry, if you know what's good for ya'..." Pinkie smiles.
Fallen: If she says “Why so serious,” I’m out.
Her eyes are crossed, and she is very drunk.
Pinkie: Didn’t the story already say that a million times?
"...you'll get me another drink." She laughs. A smile comes to berry's face, and she heads down to get her another drink.
Fallen: And she was never seen again.
...And the last memory pinkie could retain of the night was her and derpy hooves, holding each other’s shoulders with one hand,
Pinkie: ...“hand?”
Fallen: You’re directly addressed as ponies, though.
Pinkie: ...so is this anthro?
Fallen: Don’t know, don’t care, doesn’t matter.
and holding a drink in the other, singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, counting down by each swig of whiskey.
Pinkie: Then sing “99 Bottles of Whiskey!”
“83 bottles of beer on the *hic* the wall...83 bottles of beer...take one down *hic* pass it around...” she takes a swig “82 bottles of beer on the wall” before passing out in the bushes.
Fallen: That’s... (does the math) seventeen bottles. Let nopony tell you you can’t hold your alcohol if it takes that much to knock you out, on top of whatever you drank before.
Reluctantly, Pinkie decides it's time to get up. She struggles to stand, and her head is pounding.
Pinkie: Was I listening to dubstep?
Fallen: Must’ve been one hell of a drop.
She stretches to get as high as she can, and looks over the bushes. Pinkie then looks over at the sleeping mare on the ground, and thinks about how cold it is.
Fallen: Because that wasn’t a problem until right this second.
She would take her back to her cottage, but she didn’t know where Derpy lives, or where carrot top was, and her parents
Pinkie: The Cakes aren’t my parents, and I don’t live on the rock farm with my real parents anymore.
refused any visitors during working hours. So, with a sigh, the pink earth pony lies back down on the grey mare’s gut, and keeps her warm before drifting back to sleep.
Pinkie: That’s kinda cute!
Fallen: I’d say it was heartbreaking to see you like this, but the story’s going too fast for anything to really sink in.
Also, don't forget to read my other stories. This is my only story for the time being, but im almost done with one more called "Run away pony"; a more serious fanfiction.
Fallen: And nearly thirteen months later, this is still his only fic.
And now filler! :D
Pinkie: ...why?
No wait...no filler D:
Pinkie: Oh. ...why?
Fallen: Don’t worry about it, it’s over.
Pinkie: Bees are trying to have sex with them...
Fallen: ...
Pinkie: As is my understanding.
and the streets are thriving with ponies. The camera
Fallen: Yeah, FUCKING NO.
goes across the street, passing several ponies, until finally going near a large treehouse. just a few hundred feet, the bushes are seen rustling, and suddenly a pink pony is seen becoming conscious. The camera fades.
Pinkie: What was the point of that?
Fallen: If it was to give me “My Big Flare: Friendship is Epic” flashbacks, it succeeded in pissing me off.
Pinkie pie suddenly awoke in the bushes near twilight’s house. She didn’t know where she was, until her vision finally came to.
Pinkie: So my eyesight regained consciousness after I did?
When it did, she found out she was lying on the stomach of a grey mare known as Derpy hooves. With a massive throbbing
Fallen: Don’t you dare-
headache,
Fallen: Oh. Okay.
pinkie slowly gets up, holding her head.
“Ohh...my head...what happened.” she said with a sigh.
Pinkie: I’m guessing I drank.
She was right, what DID happen the night before? How did she end up in the bushes, on the belly of Derpy hooves?
Fallen: Why was she missing a tooth? Why was there a tiger in the bathroom? WHOSE FOAL WAS THIS!?
Suddenly, the memories of the night before re-immersed into pinkie pie’s mind...
Pinkie: “Re-immersed?”
Fallen: I do not think it means what you think it means.
It is around 8:30, the sun is down, and most of the ponies are either inside their homes and shops, or asleep.
Fallen: Asleep before 9? Seriously?
There is a certain Building on the horizon. It is a large building, made from wooden planks. On the top of the entrance, on a sign, says the words “Bar”.
Pinkie: I LOVE the “Bar” bar!
A familiar pink pony is seen walking down the street, however, she is not as happy as we are used to.
Fallen: BAD author! What did I tell you about addressing the audience directly?
For the past 2 months, sugar cube corner’s business has been going downhill, and 2 more infant mouths to feed aren’t helping the welfare of the cakes.
Pinkie: Are you kidding? Business has never been better! And I’m always there to help if they need it!
With money becoming more and more tight, Pinkie pie has been noticeably less happy. With foreclosure just a few weeks down the road if business keeps going this way, there is very little to be happy about, even for the element of laughter.
Pinkie: (giggling)
Fallen: The hell are YOU laughing at?
Pinkie: The fact that the story thinks any of this is possible!
Fallen: Then why didn’t you just laugh at “120 Days of-”
Pinkie: STOP TALKING.
Pinkie pie slowly opens the door to the bar, and goes to the bartender counter.
“Hey there pinkie, what can i get you tonight?”
Pinkie: “How about you start me off with some capital letters?”
“A pine-colada, shaken not stirred.”
Fallen: “Right away, Mr. Bond.”
As the bartender dissapears behind the counter, pinkie pie obverses the room around her. The room, just like outside, is made of wooden planks.
Fallen: That tends to happen when you make the building out of wooden planks.
in the inside however, the wooden planks are less vibrant than on the exterior. The shelfs in front of her are filled with all types of bottles, some empty, some un-opened.
Pinkie: Why would they leave the empty ones on the shelves?
In the corners of the room, are 4 pool tables, with 5 ponies playing. The air is thick with cigar smoke,
Fallen: There are really still bars that let you smoke indoors?
Pinkie: Not in Ponyville.
and in the background, faint music can be heard from the radio on the top shelf.
Pinkie looks over to the other stools.
Fallen: Why does this bar not have flushing toilets?
Just a few seats down are two ponies engaging in conversation, and in the end corner is a brown male pegasus, a few scars on his face,
Fallen: Watch out, we’ve got a badass over here.
Pinkie: How can you tell?
Fallen: It’s called sarcasm, Pinkie.
drinking down shot after shot, probably conflicted with recent memories. Kodi was it? She didn't know. That pony was new.
Pinkie: Is this a self-insert OC?
Fallen: Considering he never appears again, I doubt it matters.
Suddenly, the bartender returns and gives pinkie her drink.
“Thanks, berry punch.” She says, before gulping down the drink.
Fallen: So instead of being a drunkard, Berry’s a bartender?
Pinkie: That’s something the story actually got RIGHT!
Fallen: ...what.
Pinkie pie straightens herself on the stool, and gives the glass to berry.
“Another, please.” she affirms, handing down a few more coins.
Fallen: And knowing how much you drink in this story... how many of those did you bring with you?
Pinkie: Probably everything I made sleeping with Crunch!
The purple pony disappears behind the counter again, just to re-appear a few minutes later.
Pinkie pie just stares blatantly at her drink in front of her,
Fallen: Well, OBVIOUSLY.
before gulping it down. She knows it’s bad to drink, her parents had always told her that, but at this point, she really didn’t care. She had too much drama in her life to care anymore.
Pinkie: Well, THAT sounds like somepony that’s not me.
Fallen: Congrats, Pinkie, you’re the new Element of Apathy.
“Another.” and just like before, the bartender goes into the cellar, and comes back with another glass of alchohol.
“Bottoms up” Pinkie says, before chugging the glass.
Fallen: It’s just a glass. You can chug more than that.
This process repeats for several times until Pinkie has gotten very tipsy. Her language has become slurred, and it is very apparent, to almost any pony, that she is drunk.
Pinkie: Tipsy or drunk? That’s two different levels of wasted!
"I think that's enough for now, pinkie." Says the bartender.
"No...I'm not DAT drunk...am i?"
Fallen: Dat drunk.
"Well, you sound a litt-"
"OH! You wanna insult me!? Come at me, pony!"
Fallen: Boy. That escalated quickly.
Pinkie jumps off the stool and becomes aggresive towards berry.
Pinkie: I think I see Captain Obvious’s ship in the distance!
Fallen: Yeah, that’s definitely the S.S. No Shit Sherlock.
"Don't make me call the police, pinkie!" The bartender becomes serious
Pinkie: I think he’s pulling into port!
Fallen: Yep, he’s here to stay.
"Out of all the ponies, i never thought you would try to hurt me...more or less not be able to handle your alchohol."
Fallen: “I KNEW you’d get wasted from the alcohol, but I thought your alchohol tolerance was higher!”
Pinkie suddenly realizes the error of her ways. She settles down and sits back on the chair, and sets her heads in her arms.
Pinkie: Wait, “arms?”
Fallen: That’s actually a common mistake I see. Ignore it.
Several minutes later, she speaks up.
"Berry, if you know what's good for ya'..." Pinkie smiles.
Fallen: If she says “Why so serious,” I’m out.
Her eyes are crossed, and she is very drunk.
Pinkie: Didn’t the story already say that a million times?
"...you'll get me another drink." She laughs. A smile comes to berry's face, and she heads down to get her another drink.
Fallen: And she was never seen again.
...And the last memory pinkie could retain of the night was her and derpy hooves, holding each other’s shoulders with one hand,
Pinkie: ...“hand?”
Fallen: You’re directly addressed as ponies, though.
Pinkie: ...so is this anthro?
Fallen: Don’t know, don’t care, doesn’t matter.
and holding a drink in the other, singing 99 bottles of beer on the wall, counting down by each swig of whiskey.
Pinkie: Then sing “99 Bottles of Whiskey!”
“83 bottles of beer on the *hic* the wall...83 bottles of beer...take one down *hic* pass it around...” she takes a swig “82 bottles of beer on the wall” before passing out in the bushes.
Fallen: That’s... (does the math) seventeen bottles. Let nopony tell you you can’t hold your alcohol if it takes that much to knock you out, on top of whatever you drank before.
Reluctantly, Pinkie decides it's time to get up. She struggles to stand, and her head is pounding.
Pinkie: Was I listening to dubstep?
Fallen: Must’ve been one hell of a drop.
She stretches to get as high as she can, and looks over the bushes. Pinkie then looks over at the sleeping mare on the ground, and thinks about how cold it is.
Fallen: Because that wasn’t a problem until right this second.
She would take her back to her cottage, but she didn’t know where Derpy lives, or where carrot top was, and her parents
Pinkie: The Cakes aren’t my parents, and I don’t live on the rock farm with my real parents anymore.
refused any visitors during working hours. So, with a sigh, the pink earth pony lies back down on the grey mare’s gut, and keeps her warm before drifting back to sleep.
Pinkie: That’s kinda cute!
Fallen: I’d say it was heartbreaking to see you like this, but the story’s going too fast for anything to really sink in.
Also, don't forget to read my other stories. This is my only story for the time being, but im almost done with one more called "Run away pony"; a more serious fanfiction.
Fallen: And nearly thirteen months later, this is still his only fic.
And now filler! :D
Pinkie: ...why?
No wait...no filler D:
Pinkie: Oh. ...why?
Fallen: Don’t worry about it, it’s over.
Fallen: Well, at least that was short.
Pinkie: Yeah, that was REALLY short! I didn’t even get to get that upset about the fact that the story turned me into an alcoholic!
Gilda: (from TV) Dash, that one was pretty weak.
Dash: (from TV) Yours wasn’t much better. Besides, I was just warming them up. My next one’s the REAL treat.
Gilda: Trust me. No it’s not. Whatever you got, I know I got worse.
Dash: ...I’m TRYING to be threatening over here.
Gilda: And you’re not doing a very good job.
Dash: You don’t even know what I got!
Gilda: I think I might. I made my picks after you made yours, and you crossed yours off the list.
Dash: How do you know which ones were mine?
Gilda: Yours were the ONLY ones that were crossed off. Everything else you guys did was highlighted in pink.
Pinkie: Aw, Dashie! I still wanted to see the names of the stories! You ruined the list!
Dash: I didn’t know, okay? Your highlighter wasn’t around!
Gilda: Well, still! I went off what was marked off already when I grabbed my stor-
Dash: Hey, wait, yeah! You couldn’t see the names I scribbled out! So you CAN’T know what I got!
Gilda: You used a really light pencil. It was just half-clear streaks of gray over the names.
Dash: ...oh.
Pinkie: Oh, good! So it’s NOT ruined!
Gilda: And I know for a fact that “Pinkie Pie learns a new word” isn’t gonna be the uber-story you’re making it out to be.
Dash: That’s the thing. You don’t know what makes it so special.
Fallen: (eye twitches)
Pinkie: Uh... Primey?
Dash: Just because we’re doing this to break Pinkie doesn’t mean I can’t mess with Fallen just as much. That’s why I picked a story by the author of one of his most hated stories!
Gilda: How did you find THAT out?
Dash: I just looked up that “Living the Dream” thing RingmasterJ5 threatened him with a while back and found out what else the guy wrote. Lucky for me, one of those stories was on this list.
Gilda: So it hurts because Fallen has a history with this guy?
Dash: Yep.
Gilda: I underestimated you, Dash. That’s pretty evil.
Fallen: FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
Pinkie: Yeah, that was REALLY short! I didn’t even get to get that upset about the fact that the story turned me into an alcoholic!
Gilda: (from TV) Dash, that one was pretty weak.
Dash: (from TV) Yours wasn’t much better. Besides, I was just warming them up. My next one’s the REAL treat.
Gilda: Trust me. No it’s not. Whatever you got, I know I got worse.
Dash: ...I’m TRYING to be threatening over here.
Gilda: And you’re not doing a very good job.
Dash: You don’t even know what I got!
Gilda: I think I might. I made my picks after you made yours, and you crossed yours off the list.
Dash: How do you know which ones were mine?
Gilda: Yours were the ONLY ones that were crossed off. Everything else you guys did was highlighted in pink.
Pinkie: Aw, Dashie! I still wanted to see the names of the stories! You ruined the list!
Dash: I didn’t know, okay? Your highlighter wasn’t around!
Gilda: Well, still! I went off what was marked off already when I grabbed my stor-
Dash: Hey, wait, yeah! You couldn’t see the names I scribbled out! So you CAN’T know what I got!
Gilda: You used a really light pencil. It was just half-clear streaks of gray over the names.
Dash: ...oh.
Pinkie: Oh, good! So it’s NOT ruined!
Gilda: And I know for a fact that “Pinkie Pie learns a new word” isn’t gonna be the uber-story you’re making it out to be.
Dash: That’s the thing. You don’t know what makes it so special.
Fallen: (eye twitches)
Pinkie: Uh... Primey?
Dash: Just because we’re doing this to break Pinkie doesn’t mean I can’t mess with Fallen just as much. That’s why I picked a story by the author of one of his most hated stories!
Gilda: How did you find THAT out?
Dash: I just looked up that “Living the Dream” thing RingmasterJ5 threatened him with a while back and found out what else the guy wrote. Lucky for me, one of those stories was on this list.
Gilda: So it hurts because Fallen has a history with this guy?
Dash: Yep.
Gilda: I underestimated you, Dash. That’s pretty evil.
Fallen: FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
The word
Fallen: Everybody knows that the bird is the word.
"Order up!" Pinkie Pie screamed as she pulled a large tray of baked goods out of oven and tossed them towards the counter. And, somehow, they all land perfectly in a straight line.
Fallen: Because Pinkie.
Pinkie: Or because tense change, right?
Pinkie Pie happily trotted up to the counter and slammed her hoof against the bell several times.
Fallen: “OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!”
"ORDER UP!"
After a few seconds of no pony coming and claiming the order,
Pinkie: What, they don’t want it that badly? Is that even POSSIBLE?
she poked her head out of the kitchen and yelled out the same thing.
This time, a large stallion stood up in the back and began to make his way to the counter. His desperado pushed down over his eyes.
Fallen: Oh fucking joy. Kickass222urmom put an OC in the story. Let’s look at the damage...
Pinkie: That’s kinda cynical of you. This could be a really interesting-
Fallen: “Living the Dream” was 75% shitty OC by volume, and even if he didn’t MAKE them all, he still WROTE them all. As far into the story as I got, I could tolerate approximately ZERO of them.
When he stepped up to the counter, he pushed his hat up slightly and stared down at Pinkie Pie.
"Mah order done?" He asked in a rough voice.
Fallen: Oh, and he has an ACCENT. This won’t end well.
Pinkie: Can’t you give the guy a break?
Fallen: The last time I tried, it led to an LTD rewrite that never ended up existing.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and cast a hoof over the line of cupcakes, muffins, and loafs of bread.
"Yep! It's all done! I put a little extra sugar in each one! Even the bread! Mmm, sugar bread... Have you ever tried sugar bread?! You should! It taste so mmmmmmm!"
Pinkie: ...that last line didn’t sound much like me.
Fallen: And so it begins.
He exhaled and looked over his order, "Ah think Ah also ordered four short cakes."
Pinkie Pie frowned, "Well shoot! I though I got everything... Oh! I know what happened! When you were ordering, I was playing with my spoon! Do you have a spoon friend?! Wait! Do you...."
Pinkie: What is WRONG with me?
Fallen: Kickass tends to write you as a hyperactive, obnoxious adult child.
He held up a hoof and sighed, "Please ma'am, be quiet. Can ya just bake the shortcakes real fast?"
Pinkie Pie tapped her hoof against her chin and looked skyward, "Hmmm, can I? Of course I can!" She then looked back at the stallion and began to hop up and down happily, "I know! I can make you the super duper shortcakes! They are packed full of all kinds of strawberries, jams, and anything I can force into them!
Pinkie: “Hope you like weapons-grade uraniuuuuuuuum~!”
I'll have them done lickity split!"
As she began to spin around to do her job, the stallion cleared his throat.
"Nah, just forget em, Ah don't need em that bad." He then sighed and pulled his desperado over his eyes, "Well fuck, Ah hope they don't mind they won't be getting those shortcakes."
Fallen: “NO SHORTCAKES!? You’re the worst daddy ever!”
Pinkie Pie turned and smiled, "Oh no! Don't worry, I can do it super fast! I can have them done before you can say shortcakes!"
"Shortcakes." He said in a bored voice.
Pinkie: Why’d he ACTUALLY say “shortcakes?”
Fallen: Probably to be a sarcastic asshole. The only characters Kickass knows how to create.
Pinkie Pie laughed and jumped up a few times, "No, you got to say it slow! Like this!" She moved her lips around and said in a slow motion type voice, "S-h-o-r-t-c-a-k-e-s."
Fallen: That’s how to do slow-motion WRONG. Someone get Zack Snyder to smack some sense into her. Slowly.
Pinkie: I’m not this jumpy, am I?
Fallen: You’re more high-strung in this than a guy on coke AND caffeine at the same time.
The stallion facehoofed and picked up a brown bag, "Listen, Ah don't fuckin' need em, okay? They can live with out em."
Pinkie Pie jumped up on the counter and kicked all the deserts into the stallion's paper bag, "Alrighty then!"
"Ah hope your hooves are clean..." He said, putting the bag on his back.
Fallen: That’s... random.
Pinkie: Yeah! That’s MY job!
Pinkie Pie giggled and held up all four of her hooves, "They're all clean! See?! I wash them every chance I get! It's rule one of the kitchen: Always wash your hooves. If you don't, bad things will happen to the ponies who eat your food! That would be bad! Well, its already happened once, but I didn't know I stepped in that pile of sewage. What was I doing in the sewer anyway?! Oh yeah! Gummy wanted me to find him a friend! And wow, there were so many new friends to pick from! I almost..."
Pinkie: In the name of Celestia, SHUT UP! Do I really talk that much!?
Fallen: The first rule of Kickass: take one trait from the character, good OR bad, crank it to eleven, and strip away everything else. If they’re not one-dimensional, they’re not worth writing!
The stallion facehoofed hard, "Listen ma'am. Ah would just love to stay here and hear your life story. But Ah have a place to be, and can't waste all mah fuckin' time here."
Pinkie Pie cocked her head, "What does 'fuck' mean? You've been saying it a lot."
Pinkie: Why do stories do that? Make all these ponies swear so much, I mean. None of us actually swear in real life, so why would stories put those words in our mouths?
Fallen: If I knew, I’d tell you, but this isn’t new for this author either.
She then smiled excitedly, "Does it mean something good?! Or something very good?! Or! Or is it something bad?! Like a large monster that hides in your closet while you sleep! That reminds me! I haven't monster proofed my room today?!"
Fallen: Monster-proof-
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: -your room.
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: ...why?
Pinkie: Because why not?
"Ma'am, you're getting off track..." The stallion said, annoyance in his voice.
"Oops!" Pinkie Pie said as she stopped her over excited voice and got back on topic, "So, fuck, what does it mean? Does it mean..."
Pinkie: “Sex? Eating? Chairs? Purple? Antidisestablishmentarianism? WHAT!?”
He quickly held up a hoof, "Listen, it's just a word we commonly use in Appleloosa.
Pinkie: Nopony said it when I was there, so it can’t be THAT common!
Fallen: Behold the ancient art of making shit up as you go along.
As fer the meaning, it means whatever ya want Ah guess."
"What ever I want?" Pinkie Pie said, a smile forming on her face.
Fallen: Brace yourself, because you’re gonna be seeing her use the word for EVERYTHING. Not far off from being literal there.
He looked at her with a worried face and began to back out of the shop, "Er... yeah, whatever ya want... just don't say it ta others."
As luck would have it, Pinkie Pie only heard the first part before she began to laugh in delight at the idea of having a multipurpose word at her disposal.
Fallen: ...okay, THAT’S something you’re guilty of sometimes. Selective hearing.
Pinkie: Even if somepony’s explaining something to me?
Fallen: Not that I know of.
The stallion, already slightly worried about the mental state of this pink mare, quickly pushed open the doors and exited the bakery.
Pinkie Pie turned back to the kitchen and cheerfully trotted up to the sink, where the dishes were piled high. She stuck her hooves into the water and began to wash the dirty plates.
Two hours later
Pinkie: Meh. I’ve seen better scene changes.
Fallen: And I’ve seen worse. “Return of the changeling’s.”
Pinkie Pie hopped out of the bakery and proceeded to happily bounce down the street, humming a new tune she just made up.
She passed by one of her friends, Rose, and gave her a happy wave, "Hey Rose!"
Fallen: “What? Doctor, is that you!?”
Rose looked up from her flowers and waved back, "Hey Pinkie! How you doing?"
Pinkie Pie bounced in place, "What I always do! Bringing a smile to everyone's face!" She then looked at Rose's flowers and smiled, "Ohhh! Rose, your flowers are so fuck!"
Pinkie: “-able!”
Fallen: ...why would you even say that?
Pinkie: Because it’s not an adjective on its own! Duh!
Rose's eyes widened as her mouth dropped, "Wh-wha?"
"Your flowers. You know, they're so fuck? Fuck can mean beautiful! Like, I'm fuck, you're fuck. This whole town is fuck! Ohh! Fuck can also mean hug! Oh goodie!"
Pinkie: How long until this gets old?
Fallen: Immediately.
Rose shook the shock off her face and looked at Pinkie Pie with a worried expression, "Umm, Pinkie... I don't think that's the real meaning of... that word."
"Well duh." Pinkie Pie said as if Rose should already know this, "It can mean anything! That's what the stallion at Sugar Cube Corner told me."
Fallen: The stallion you literally only talked to ONCE. He is a credible source.
Rose scratched the back of her neck as she glanced around, "Pinkie, I think you should stop..."
Pinkie Pie jumped into the air and let out a squeal of delight. She then shot off,
Pinkie: (snickers)
Fallen: Really?
leaving Rose as confused as ever.
"Nothing good can come of this..." She muttered as she went back to tending her flowers.
Pinkie: That’s... mean.
Fallen: And it’s a recurring thing in Kickass’s stories.
Pinkie Pie galloped down the street, barreling her way to her good friend, Twilight Sparkle.
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie Pie yelled out, startling the lavender mare and causing her to look up from her book, which she was currently reading on a bench.
Fallen: Because there’s nothing else Twilight would do with her free time.
"Pinkie? What are you doing?!" She yelled back, watching as her friend galloped towards her.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and jumped into the air, soaring towards her friend, "I'm going to fuck you!"
Pinkie: “In the FACE!”
Twilight's eyes widened and her hooves came in front of her, "WHAT?!"
Pinkie Pie slammed into Twilight and instantly lifted her up in a large, awkward, hug.
Fallen: Fuck = hug. Pinkie wills it.
"Pinkie?! What the hay are you doing?!" Twilight screamed out, still worried about what Pinkie had said before hugging her.
Pinkie Pie giggled and shook Twilight side to side, "Duh, I'm fucking you silly!"
Pinkie: “What, you don’t feel it going in?”
Fallen: ...WOW.
Twilight gasped, "Pinkie?! Why are you using that word?!"
Pinkie Pie laughed and dropped Twilight back on the bench.
Fallen: Breaking her skull in the process.
"Why am I using what word, Twi?"
Twilight rolled off the bench and landed on all fours, "Pinkie, why did you say you were going to... F me?"
Pinkie: “Would you rather I NOT warn you first?”
Pinkie Pie just giggled and slapped Twilight on the back, "Silly goose, I said I was going to hug you, and I did!"
Fallen: That is not even REMOTELY what you said.
"I-I don't follow..." Twilight said, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh Twilight, I though you would know about this." Pinkie Pie stated, snickering at her friends expression, "Fuck can mean anything! Like, I just fucked you! Which means I hugged you! It can even mean very happy! Like right now, I'm so fuck!"
Fallen: If by “fuck” you mean “fucked in the head.”
Pinkie: What is even going ON?
Fallen: If YOU have to ask, it’s impossible to know.
Twilight rubbed her face, "Pinkie, I don't think you fully understand the meaning of the 'F' word. It does have many meanings. But it's mainly used for..."
Fallen: “Well, does the phrase ‘bow chicka bow wow’ mean anything to you?”
Pinkie Pie put her hoof on Twilight's mouth and giggled, "I already know all of this Twilight. The nice stallion at Sugar Cube Corner already explained it all to me!"
Fallen: He didn’t explain jack shit.
Pinkie: And he wasn’t very nice.
"Stallion? Who was he?" Twilight questioned, wanting to get to the bottom of this.
Pinkie Pie shrugged, "I dunno, he was just a customer..." She then looked past Twilight and smiled brightly. "Gotta go Twi!
Fallen: No, gotta go FAST. Get it right!
I'll talk to you later!"
"Pinkie wait!..." Twilight yelled out, but Pinkie Pie was already half way down the street.
Twilight exhaled loudly and brought her hooves to her face, "Why do I even put up with her?"
Pinkie: ...what?
Fallen: Kickass’s opinion of you in action.
Pinkie Pie rocketed down the street, a large smile on her face. Her eyes were locked on two of her friends. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
The two pegasi were standing next to a cart, which sold small bars of soap.
Pinkie: Kind of a random thing to sell.
Fallen: I have a friend who MAKES and sells soap.
Pinkie: Really? What’s he like?
Fallen: SHE. And she’s kind of snarky. And intimidating, according to some of our mutual pals.
"Girls!" Pinkie Pie yelled as she came to a screeching halt behind them.
Fluttershy yelped in surprise and dropped to the ground, while Rainbow Dash spun around to face her pink friend.
"Pinkie? What's with the yelling?"
Pinkie: All I did was yell to get their attention! Why are they complaining about that?
Fallen: Because, as a rule, no one in a Kickass story can stand you.
Pinkie Pie laughed and began to bounce in place, "Hey Rainbow Dash! Hey Fluttershy! What are you girls doing here?! Are you buying soap?! Ohh! Does one of Fluttershy's animals need a bath! Or! Do you need a bath Rainbow Dash?! Wait! What if it's me that needs a bath?! When was the last time I took a bath?! Oh that's right! When...."
Pinkie: “When I first left the rock farm!”
Rainbow Dash, to stop her friends rambling, stuck a bar of soap in Pinkie Pie's mouth and laughed.
Pinkie: That... wasn’t very nice.
"Calm down, Pinkie." Rainbow Dash said, chuckling, "Fluttershy just needs more soap for her animals... So I guess you go it right on the first try."
Pinkie Pie swallowed the bar of soap, followed by her jumping into the air and striking a victory pose, "YAY!"
Pinkie: ...whatever story me’s smoking, why won’t she share?
Fallen: WHAT.
When she landed she laughed and started her bouncing again, "You girls are so fuck!"
Rainbow Dash did a double take at hearing this, and Fluttershy let out a small gasp.
"Pinkie... why did you say that to us?" Fluttershy asked quietly.
Fallen: “Because nopony loves you and you’re gonna die alone!”
Pinkie Pie giggled, "Say what? Fuck?"
"Yeah! That word!" Rainbow Dash said, a sound of slight anger in her voice.
Fallen: “Your words bring shame upon your family!”
Pinkie Pie just smiled at her two friends, "Come on girls! You have to know that fuck can mean anything! I just say you two were funny! Ohh! Like Fluttershy fucks her animals on a daily basis! And Rainbow Dash, you want to fuck Applejack at everything!"
"PINKIE!" Rainbow Dash yelled, face red hot.
Pinkie: Since when was this an AppleDash story?
"What? I just said Fluttershy feeds her animals on a daily bases, and that you want to beat Applejack at everything. I just told you that fuck can mean anything. Didn't I?"
Fluttershy slowly stood and gulped, "I don't... do that to my animals. That's... that's just wrong."
Fallen: “I’ll tape them doing it, but I’d never-”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
Pinkie Pie stared at her friend with a worried look, "You don't feed your animals?! Then it's up to me to get those poor creatures some food!"
"No Pinkie! Listen, that word means..." Rainbow Dash began to say, but before she could finish, Pinkie Pie was already running off in the opposite direction.
Pinkie: Wait, WHY!?
Fallen: It scares me that YOU’RE the one trying to apply logic to this story.
"Ugh! She's so random!"
Fluttershy looked around and bit her hoof, "I don't mate with my animals... do I?"
Rainbow Dash sighed and put a hoof on her shoulder, "No, you don't... wait, do you?"
Fallen: “Well... maybe a little...”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
*Eep*
After a few minutes of running, Pinkie Pie finally saw her target. Applejack and her apple cart.
As she neared, she saw Apple Bloom, who looked to be helping today.
Pinkie: I hope Ponyville’s ready for cleanup after the last time!
Fallen: What happened last time Apple Bloom helped out?
Pinkie. There were apples EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.
When Pinkie Pie came to a stop a few feet from the cart, she instantly jumped forward and put her front hooves on the carts edge.
"Quickly Applejack! I need as many apples as you can spare! Fluttershy isn't fucking her animals anymore!"
Fallen: “And do you have any idea what their libidos are like?”
Applejack, after hearing this, fell back on her haunches, "What?! She's doing what to her animals?!"
"What does fuck mean?" Apple Bloom asked innocently.
Pinkie: “Well, when a mare and stallion love each other very much...”
"Nothin' ya should be concerned with!" Applejack responded.
Pinkie Pie smiled and went back to all fours in front of the small filly.
Fallen: Please tell me she’s FACING Apple Bloom. The liberal use of the word “fuck” is polluting my mind with bad pictures.
"It can mean anything! Like what I just said. Fluttershy isn't feeding her animals anymore.... OHMYGOSH! I almost forgot! I have to go fuck her animals since she's no longer doing it! Applejack! Give me all your apples! Before the poor creatures starve from not being fucked!"
Fallen: ...this is the same problem I had with “The Incredibly Dense Mind of Rainbow Dash.” The premise is too weak to really span a story of this length, but it’s stretched so far that it gets impossibly annoying.
Pinkie: I thought lots of people liked “The Incredibly Dense-”
Fallen: You weren’t there, Pinkie. YOU WEREN’T THERE.
"Pinkie Pie! There's a filly here!" Applejack yelled, beginning to shove Apple Bloom away. "Listen Apple Bloom, why don't you go play with the others today."
Apple Bloom smiled happily and began to gallop off, "Thanks sis'! I can't wait to tell them the new word I learned!"
Fallen: And thus an entirely DIFFERENT fic was born. Well, SEVERAL entirely different fics.
"Wait WHAT?!" Applejack yelled out as she began to gallop off after her younger sister.
"Applejack? Wait! I need... what did I need again?" Pinkie Pie said, looking around confused. She had come here for something, but what?
Pinkie: HEY! My attention span’s not that short!
Fallen: ...eh. Sometimes.
She turned and saw all the apples on the cart, "Oh, that's right! I was going to eat a fuck!"
Fallen: Okay, what.
She plucked one of the apples off the cart and quickly gobbled it down.
As soon as she finished, she heard a mare's distressed scream, which could only be Rarity.
Pinkie: There’s some sort of panic at least once a month! How can I just assume the scream was Rarity if anypony else is just as easy to get to scream?
When Pinkie Pie turned around, she saw Rarity, her dress covered in fresh mud.
"You barbarian! How dare you splash mud on my brand new dress!" She screamed as a stallion ran away from her.
Fallen: She is woman, hear her roar!
"Rarity!" Pinkie Pie yelled, hopping over to her friend.
Rarity looked over at her and sighed, "Oh, hello there Pinkie Pie. How's your day going?"
Pinkie: “If I told you that, the censors would get angry!”
Pinkie Pie smiled widely, "It's been great! I baked deserts all morning! I talked to rose! I had a chat with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash! Oh! And I fucked Twilight!"
Pinkie: “Yeah, we had sex. No biggie!”
Rarity's eyes widened, and her hoof came up to cover her mouth, "You... did that to Twilight? Did she... let you?"
"Yep!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly, "She just stood there and let me fuck her! It was one of the best fucks I've given in a long time!"
Pinkie: I must REEEEEEEEALLY care then!
Rarity began to sway side to side, "You.... Twilight... How.... mate.... Wha..."
*Thud*
Pinkie Pie looked at Rarity's unconscious body, which had just fallen in a large pile of mud.
Fallen: Because you can’t have Rarity in a scene in a comedy fic without getting her dirty.
"Wow, it's like she's never heard of a pony hugging another..." Pinkie Pie then looked around, looking for someone to help.
When see spotted Lyra, she started waving at her, "Lyra! I need your help with something super duper important!"
Fallen: “I NEED TO GET LAID!”
Pinkie: Lyra’s WAY too into stallions to help with that. Scratchie, maybe, but...
Lyra smiled and began to trot towards her, "What is it.... why is Rarity on the ground?"
Pinkie: Priiiiiimeeeeeeey...
Fallen: I wasn’t gonna say anything!
Pinkie Pie shrugged and waved a hoof over Rarity, "I don't know. I just said I fucked Twilight and she did this!"
Lyra's eyes widened, "You... really?"
Pinkie Pie nodded happily, "Yep! I think it was one of my best fucks ever!"
Fallen: Do I WANT to know how many references you have?
Lyra looked around nervously, "She goes that way, huh?"
"Goes what way?" Pinkie Pie asked, a smile still on her face.
Fallen: “I don’t know either, since she won’t use her FUCKING DIRECTIONALS!”
"You know, ummm, fucking mares?" Lyra said hesitantly.
Pinkie Pie waved a hoof and giggled, "Well duh. Who doesn't love fucking others! I even fuck myself from time to time!"
Pinkie: (laughing like crazy)
Fallen: What?
Pinkie: It’s just- “Luna’s Magic-” the mental picture- HAHAHAHA!
Fallen: I swear, you’re just one big ball of issues.
Lyra raised an eyebrow, "Huh... so, what did you need me for?"
"Oh!" Pinkie Pie said, facehoofing, "I wanted you to take Rarity home. I don't think it's a good idea for her to be out here. Some weirdo may try and give her a fuck! Or worst! They may give her a fuck and tell her about fuck!"
Fallen: Her brain’s just FULL of fuck.
Pinkie: Isn’t it the best feeling EVER?
"I see... Pinkie, do you take medicine?" Lyra asked worriedly.
Pinkie Pie tapped her chin, "Do sugar pills count?"
Fallen: Well, not if you KNOW they’re sugar pills.
"... No.... *Sigh* Just, don't hurt yourself trying to get home." Lyra said, levitating Rarity up and began to trot off towards the boutique.
"What? Am I suppose to go home? Wait, am I?! Yes! I have to give the foals their afternoon fuck!"
Pinkie: ...I don’t like where that’s going.
And with that, she took off for Sugar Cube Corner.
As soon as she burst through the front doors, she yelled out, "Where's the bottles?! I've got some babies to fuck!"
Pinkie: PLEASE tell me this isn’t another “Pinkie Pie the filly molester!”
Fallen: No, you won’t have to see that shit ever again.
Gilda: (snickers from TV)
Fallen: What’s so funny?
Gilda: Oh, nothing...
Everyone in the bakery gasped, two mares in the back fainted, while another up front passed out.
"What? We all have to fuck to survive!" She said as she looked at everyone's shocked faces.
"SO TRUE!" A stallion off to the side said, but received a slap upside the head from the mare next to him.
Fallen: SOMEPONY’S not getting laid tonight.
Pinkie: Who, you?
Fallen: ...I said somePONY.
Pinkie: But am I wrong?
Fallen: Shut up.
Pinkie Pie forced herself to focus and galloped into the back part of the bakery. Once there, she smiled at the two foals, who were currently playing with some blocks.
"Hey! You two ready to be fucked?"
The two foals looked at her and laughed crazily.
Pinkie: What, they think foalcon’s funny!?
Fallen: mrhappyface’s audience thinks so.
Pinkie Pie smiled and quickly got two bottles of milk. She then gave the two foals a bottle and sat back to watch them drink.
"Awwww, you like being fucked, don't you?" She said, proud that she had remembered to feed the two foals.
Wait... feed.
Pinkie: “That word doesn’t mean ‘feed’ at ALL, does it!?”
"Oh no! I forgot to fuck Fluttershy's animals!"
Fallen: I’m sure they’re silently thanking you.
She then shrugged, "Oh well, she'll come to her senses and feed the poor creatures."
After a few minutes, she was back in the kitchen, resuming her kitchen duties.
"I wonder when the Cakes are going to come back from lunch? They should have already fucked all their food by now." She wondered aloud.
Pinkie: How many “cream filling” jokes do you think I can-
Fallen: Don’t.
"Umm, service please?" Said a familiar voice.
"Coming!" Pinkie Pie yelled out.
Fallen: With all the fucking you’ve been doing, it took you this long?
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
Fallen: You’re in no position to judge me right now.
She swiftly ran up to the counter and smiled at her customer. But, the second she saw him, she laughed.
"Hey! You're back already?! Why did you come back so soon?! Did you need more food?! Or, did you forget to..."
Pinkie: “Did you forget how to walk out of the store?”
Fallen: “I have no idea how to breathe.”
The stallion wearing the desperado held up a hoof and sighed, "Oh no... It's the crazy bitch again...
Pinkie: HEY!
Fallen: Let it go, Pinkie. If you ever want to live through Kickass’s stories, you can’t get mad every time that happens.
Look, it turns out Ah need those shortcakes. Could ya please hurry and make em?"
Pinkie Pie saluted, "I sure can! I can have them done within the hour! I..."
"Please, hurry." He urged.
Fallen: “I don’t know what this writer did to you, but the sooner you stop existing, the better!”
Pinkie Pie ran off and quickly baked the shortcakes, which took only thirty minutes.
Once they were done, she ran back and dropped them on the counter, "There you go! Four fucks!"
Pinkie: “And now I’m out of fucks to give!”
Fallen: ...you know what? Due to the nature of the story, you get a pass for the F-bomb.
Pinkie: YAY!
He raised an eyebrow and picked up the bag they were in, "Huh, thanks?"
As he turned, Pinkie Pie reached out and spun him back to face her, "One more thing!"
He sighed loudly, "Yes?"
Fallen: “You still haven’t given ME a fuck yet!”
Pinkie: Wait, the hug kind or the-
Fallen: Take your pick.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and asked, "What does bitch mean?"
Pinkie: (facehoof)
And that's how Equestria... was thrown into complete disorder.
Fallen: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I quit.
Fallen: Everybody knows that the bird is the word.
"Order up!" Pinkie Pie screamed as she pulled a large tray of baked goods out of oven and tossed them towards the counter. And, somehow, they all land perfectly in a straight line.
Fallen: Because Pinkie.
Pinkie: Or because tense change, right?
Pinkie Pie happily trotted up to the counter and slammed her hoof against the bell several times.
Fallen: “OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!”
"ORDER UP!"
After a few seconds of no pony coming and claiming the order,
Pinkie: What, they don’t want it that badly? Is that even POSSIBLE?
she poked her head out of the kitchen and yelled out the same thing.
This time, a large stallion stood up in the back and began to make his way to the counter. His desperado pushed down over his eyes.
Fallen: Oh fucking joy. Kickass222urmom put an OC in the story. Let’s look at the damage...
Pinkie: That’s kinda cynical of you. This could be a really interesting-
Fallen: “Living the Dream” was 75% shitty OC by volume, and even if he didn’t MAKE them all, he still WROTE them all. As far into the story as I got, I could tolerate approximately ZERO of them.
When he stepped up to the counter, he pushed his hat up slightly and stared down at Pinkie Pie.
"Mah order done?" He asked in a rough voice.
Fallen: Oh, and he has an ACCENT. This won’t end well.
Pinkie: Can’t you give the guy a break?
Fallen: The last time I tried, it led to an LTD rewrite that never ended up existing.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and cast a hoof over the line of cupcakes, muffins, and loafs of bread.
"Yep! It's all done! I put a little extra sugar in each one! Even the bread! Mmm, sugar bread... Have you ever tried sugar bread?! You should! It taste so mmmmmmm!"
Pinkie: ...that last line didn’t sound much like me.
Fallen: And so it begins.
He exhaled and looked over his order, "Ah think Ah also ordered four short cakes."
Pinkie Pie frowned, "Well shoot! I though I got everything... Oh! I know what happened! When you were ordering, I was playing with my spoon! Do you have a spoon friend?! Wait! Do you...."
Pinkie: What is WRONG with me?
Fallen: Kickass tends to write you as a hyperactive, obnoxious adult child.
He held up a hoof and sighed, "Please ma'am, be quiet. Can ya just bake the shortcakes real fast?"
Pinkie Pie tapped her hoof against her chin and looked skyward, "Hmmm, can I? Of course I can!" She then looked back at the stallion and began to hop up and down happily, "I know! I can make you the super duper shortcakes! They are packed full of all kinds of strawberries, jams, and anything I can force into them!
Pinkie: “Hope you like weapons-grade uraniuuuuuuuum~!”
I'll have them done lickity split!"
As she began to spin around to do her job, the stallion cleared his throat.
"Nah, just forget em, Ah don't need em that bad." He then sighed and pulled his desperado over his eyes, "Well fuck, Ah hope they don't mind they won't be getting those shortcakes."
Fallen: “NO SHORTCAKES!? You’re the worst daddy ever!”
Pinkie Pie turned and smiled, "Oh no! Don't worry, I can do it super fast! I can have them done before you can say shortcakes!"
"Shortcakes." He said in a bored voice.
Pinkie: Why’d he ACTUALLY say “shortcakes?”
Fallen: Probably to be a sarcastic asshole. The only characters Kickass knows how to create.
Pinkie Pie laughed and jumped up a few times, "No, you got to say it slow! Like this!" She moved her lips around and said in a slow motion type voice, "S-h-o-r-t-c-a-k-e-s."
Fallen: That’s how to do slow-motion WRONG. Someone get Zack Snyder to smack some sense into her. Slowly.
Pinkie: I’m not this jumpy, am I?
Fallen: You’re more high-strung in this than a guy on coke AND caffeine at the same time.
The stallion facehoofed and picked up a brown bag, "Listen, Ah don't fuckin' need em, okay? They can live with out em."
Pinkie Pie jumped up on the counter and kicked all the deserts into the stallion's paper bag, "Alrighty then!"
"Ah hope your hooves are clean..." He said, putting the bag on his back.
Fallen: That’s... random.
Pinkie: Yeah! That’s MY job!
Pinkie Pie giggled and held up all four of her hooves, "They're all clean! See?! I wash them every chance I get! It's rule one of the kitchen: Always wash your hooves. If you don't, bad things will happen to the ponies who eat your food! That would be bad! Well, its already happened once, but I didn't know I stepped in that pile of sewage. What was I doing in the sewer anyway?! Oh yeah! Gummy wanted me to find him a friend! And wow, there were so many new friends to pick from! I almost..."
Pinkie: In the name of Celestia, SHUT UP! Do I really talk that much!?
Fallen: The first rule of Kickass: take one trait from the character, good OR bad, crank it to eleven, and strip away everything else. If they’re not one-dimensional, they’re not worth writing!
The stallion facehoofed hard, "Listen ma'am. Ah would just love to stay here and hear your life story. But Ah have a place to be, and can't waste all mah fuckin' time here."
Pinkie Pie cocked her head, "What does 'fuck' mean? You've been saying it a lot."
Pinkie: Why do stories do that? Make all these ponies swear so much, I mean. None of us actually swear in real life, so why would stories put those words in our mouths?
Fallen: If I knew, I’d tell you, but this isn’t new for this author either.
She then smiled excitedly, "Does it mean something good?! Or something very good?! Or! Or is it something bad?! Like a large monster that hides in your closet while you sleep! That reminds me! I haven't monster proofed my room today?!"
Fallen: Monster-proof-
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: -your room.
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: ...why?
Pinkie: Because why not?
"Ma'am, you're getting off track..." The stallion said, annoyance in his voice.
"Oops!" Pinkie Pie said as she stopped her over excited voice and got back on topic, "So, fuck, what does it mean? Does it mean..."
Pinkie: “Sex? Eating? Chairs? Purple? Antidisestablishmentarianism? WHAT!?”
He quickly held up a hoof, "Listen, it's just a word we commonly use in Appleloosa.
Pinkie: Nopony said it when I was there, so it can’t be THAT common!
Fallen: Behold the ancient art of making shit up as you go along.
As fer the meaning, it means whatever ya want Ah guess."
"What ever I want?" Pinkie Pie said, a smile forming on her face.
Fallen: Brace yourself, because you’re gonna be seeing her use the word for EVERYTHING. Not far off from being literal there.
He looked at her with a worried face and began to back out of the shop, "Er... yeah, whatever ya want... just don't say it ta others."
As luck would have it, Pinkie Pie only heard the first part before she began to laugh in delight at the idea of having a multipurpose word at her disposal.
Fallen: ...okay, THAT’S something you’re guilty of sometimes. Selective hearing.
Pinkie: Even if somepony’s explaining something to me?
Fallen: Not that I know of.
The stallion, already slightly worried about the mental state of this pink mare, quickly pushed open the doors and exited the bakery.
Pinkie Pie turned back to the kitchen and cheerfully trotted up to the sink, where the dishes were piled high. She stuck her hooves into the water and began to wash the dirty plates.
Two hours later
Pinkie: Meh. I’ve seen better scene changes.
Fallen: And I’ve seen worse. “Return of the changeling’s.”
Pinkie Pie hopped out of the bakery and proceeded to happily bounce down the street, humming a new tune she just made up.
She passed by one of her friends, Rose, and gave her a happy wave, "Hey Rose!"
Fallen: “What? Doctor, is that you!?”
Rose looked up from her flowers and waved back, "Hey Pinkie! How you doing?"
Pinkie Pie bounced in place, "What I always do! Bringing a smile to everyone's face!" She then looked at Rose's flowers and smiled, "Ohhh! Rose, your flowers are so fuck!"
Pinkie: “-able!”
Fallen: ...why would you even say that?
Pinkie: Because it’s not an adjective on its own! Duh!
Rose's eyes widened as her mouth dropped, "Wh-wha?"
"Your flowers. You know, they're so fuck? Fuck can mean beautiful! Like, I'm fuck, you're fuck. This whole town is fuck! Ohh! Fuck can also mean hug! Oh goodie!"
Pinkie: How long until this gets old?
Fallen: Immediately.
Rose shook the shock off her face and looked at Pinkie Pie with a worried expression, "Umm, Pinkie... I don't think that's the real meaning of... that word."
"Well duh." Pinkie Pie said as if Rose should already know this, "It can mean anything! That's what the stallion at Sugar Cube Corner told me."
Fallen: The stallion you literally only talked to ONCE. He is a credible source.
Rose scratched the back of her neck as she glanced around, "Pinkie, I think you should stop..."
Pinkie Pie jumped into the air and let out a squeal of delight. She then shot off,
Pinkie: (snickers)
Fallen: Really?
leaving Rose as confused as ever.
"Nothing good can come of this..." She muttered as she went back to tending her flowers.
Pinkie: That’s... mean.
Fallen: And it’s a recurring thing in Kickass’s stories.
Pinkie Pie galloped down the street, barreling her way to her good friend, Twilight Sparkle.
"TWILIGHT!" Pinkie Pie yelled out, startling the lavender mare and causing her to look up from her book, which she was currently reading on a bench.
Fallen: Because there’s nothing else Twilight would do with her free time.
"Pinkie? What are you doing?!" She yelled back, watching as her friend galloped towards her.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and jumped into the air, soaring towards her friend, "I'm going to fuck you!"
Pinkie: “In the FACE!”
Twilight's eyes widened and her hooves came in front of her, "WHAT?!"
Pinkie Pie slammed into Twilight and instantly lifted her up in a large, awkward, hug.
Fallen: Fuck = hug. Pinkie wills it.
"Pinkie?! What the hay are you doing?!" Twilight screamed out, still worried about what Pinkie had said before hugging her.
Pinkie Pie giggled and shook Twilight side to side, "Duh, I'm fucking you silly!"
Pinkie: “What, you don’t feel it going in?”
Fallen: ...WOW.
Twilight gasped, "Pinkie?! Why are you using that word?!"
Pinkie Pie laughed and dropped Twilight back on the bench.
Fallen: Breaking her skull in the process.
"Why am I using what word, Twi?"
Twilight rolled off the bench and landed on all fours, "Pinkie, why did you say you were going to... F me?"
Pinkie: “Would you rather I NOT warn you first?”
Pinkie Pie just giggled and slapped Twilight on the back, "Silly goose, I said I was going to hug you, and I did!"
Fallen: That is not even REMOTELY what you said.
"I-I don't follow..." Twilight said, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh Twilight, I though you would know about this." Pinkie Pie stated, snickering at her friends expression, "Fuck can mean anything! Like, I just fucked you! Which means I hugged you! It can even mean very happy! Like right now, I'm so fuck!"
Fallen: If by “fuck” you mean “fucked in the head.”
Pinkie: What is even going ON?
Fallen: If YOU have to ask, it’s impossible to know.
Twilight rubbed her face, "Pinkie, I don't think you fully understand the meaning of the 'F' word. It does have many meanings. But it's mainly used for..."
Fallen: “Well, does the phrase ‘bow chicka bow wow’ mean anything to you?”
Pinkie Pie put her hoof on Twilight's mouth and giggled, "I already know all of this Twilight. The nice stallion at Sugar Cube Corner already explained it all to me!"
Fallen: He didn’t explain jack shit.
Pinkie: And he wasn’t very nice.
"Stallion? Who was he?" Twilight questioned, wanting to get to the bottom of this.
Pinkie Pie shrugged, "I dunno, he was just a customer..." She then looked past Twilight and smiled brightly. "Gotta go Twi!
Fallen: No, gotta go FAST. Get it right!
I'll talk to you later!"
"Pinkie wait!..." Twilight yelled out, but Pinkie Pie was already half way down the street.
Twilight exhaled loudly and brought her hooves to her face, "Why do I even put up with her?"
Pinkie: ...what?
Fallen: Kickass’s opinion of you in action.
Pinkie Pie rocketed down the street, a large smile on her face. Her eyes were locked on two of her friends. Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
The two pegasi were standing next to a cart, which sold small bars of soap.
Pinkie: Kind of a random thing to sell.
Fallen: I have a friend who MAKES and sells soap.
Pinkie: Really? What’s he like?
Fallen: SHE. And she’s kind of snarky. And intimidating, according to some of our mutual pals.
"Girls!" Pinkie Pie yelled as she came to a screeching halt behind them.
Fluttershy yelped in surprise and dropped to the ground, while Rainbow Dash spun around to face her pink friend.
"Pinkie? What's with the yelling?"
Pinkie: All I did was yell to get their attention! Why are they complaining about that?
Fallen: Because, as a rule, no one in a Kickass story can stand you.
Pinkie Pie laughed and began to bounce in place, "Hey Rainbow Dash! Hey Fluttershy! What are you girls doing here?! Are you buying soap?! Ohh! Does one of Fluttershy's animals need a bath! Or! Do you need a bath Rainbow Dash?! Wait! What if it's me that needs a bath?! When was the last time I took a bath?! Oh that's right! When...."
Pinkie: “When I first left the rock farm!”
Rainbow Dash, to stop her friends rambling, stuck a bar of soap in Pinkie Pie's mouth and laughed.
Pinkie: That... wasn’t very nice.
"Calm down, Pinkie." Rainbow Dash said, chuckling, "Fluttershy just needs more soap for her animals... So I guess you go it right on the first try."
Pinkie Pie swallowed the bar of soap, followed by her jumping into the air and striking a victory pose, "YAY!"
Pinkie: ...whatever story me’s smoking, why won’t she share?
Fallen: WHAT.
When she landed she laughed and started her bouncing again, "You girls are so fuck!"
Rainbow Dash did a double take at hearing this, and Fluttershy let out a small gasp.
"Pinkie... why did you say that to us?" Fluttershy asked quietly.
Fallen: “Because nopony loves you and you’re gonna die alone!”
Pinkie Pie giggled, "Say what? Fuck?"
"Yeah! That word!" Rainbow Dash said, a sound of slight anger in her voice.
Fallen: “Your words bring shame upon your family!”
Pinkie Pie just smiled at her two friends, "Come on girls! You have to know that fuck can mean anything! I just say you two were funny! Ohh! Like Fluttershy fucks her animals on a daily basis! And Rainbow Dash, you want to fuck Applejack at everything!"
"PINKIE!" Rainbow Dash yelled, face red hot.
Pinkie: Since when was this an AppleDash story?
"What? I just said Fluttershy feeds her animals on a daily bases, and that you want to beat Applejack at everything. I just told you that fuck can mean anything. Didn't I?"
Fluttershy slowly stood and gulped, "I don't... do that to my animals. That's... that's just wrong."
Fallen: “I’ll tape them doing it, but I’d never-”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
Pinkie Pie stared at her friend with a worried look, "You don't feed your animals?! Then it's up to me to get those poor creatures some food!"
"No Pinkie! Listen, that word means..." Rainbow Dash began to say, but before she could finish, Pinkie Pie was already running off in the opposite direction.
Pinkie: Wait, WHY!?
Fallen: It scares me that YOU’RE the one trying to apply logic to this story.
"Ugh! She's so random!"
Fluttershy looked around and bit her hoof, "I don't mate with my animals... do I?"
Rainbow Dash sighed and put a hoof on her shoulder, "No, you don't... wait, do you?"
Fallen: “Well... maybe a little...”
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
*Eep*
After a few minutes of running, Pinkie Pie finally saw her target. Applejack and her apple cart.
As she neared, she saw Apple Bloom, who looked to be helping today.
Pinkie: I hope Ponyville’s ready for cleanup after the last time!
Fallen: What happened last time Apple Bloom helped out?
Pinkie. There were apples EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE.
When Pinkie Pie came to a stop a few feet from the cart, she instantly jumped forward and put her front hooves on the carts edge.
"Quickly Applejack! I need as many apples as you can spare! Fluttershy isn't fucking her animals anymore!"
Fallen: “And do you have any idea what their libidos are like?”
Applejack, after hearing this, fell back on her haunches, "What?! She's doing what to her animals?!"
"What does fuck mean?" Apple Bloom asked innocently.
Pinkie: “Well, when a mare and stallion love each other very much...”
"Nothin' ya should be concerned with!" Applejack responded.
Pinkie Pie smiled and went back to all fours in front of the small filly.
Fallen: Please tell me she’s FACING Apple Bloom. The liberal use of the word “fuck” is polluting my mind with bad pictures.
"It can mean anything! Like what I just said. Fluttershy isn't feeding her animals anymore.... OHMYGOSH! I almost forgot! I have to go fuck her animals since she's no longer doing it! Applejack! Give me all your apples! Before the poor creatures starve from not being fucked!"
Fallen: ...this is the same problem I had with “The Incredibly Dense Mind of Rainbow Dash.” The premise is too weak to really span a story of this length, but it’s stretched so far that it gets impossibly annoying.
Pinkie: I thought lots of people liked “The Incredibly Dense-”
Fallen: You weren’t there, Pinkie. YOU WEREN’T THERE.
"Pinkie Pie! There's a filly here!" Applejack yelled, beginning to shove Apple Bloom away. "Listen Apple Bloom, why don't you go play with the others today."
Apple Bloom smiled happily and began to gallop off, "Thanks sis'! I can't wait to tell them the new word I learned!"
Fallen: And thus an entirely DIFFERENT fic was born. Well, SEVERAL entirely different fics.
"Wait WHAT?!" Applejack yelled out as she began to gallop off after her younger sister.
"Applejack? Wait! I need... what did I need again?" Pinkie Pie said, looking around confused. She had come here for something, but what?
Pinkie: HEY! My attention span’s not that short!
Fallen: ...eh. Sometimes.
She turned and saw all the apples on the cart, "Oh, that's right! I was going to eat a fuck!"
Fallen: Okay, what.
She plucked one of the apples off the cart and quickly gobbled it down.
As soon as she finished, she heard a mare's distressed scream, which could only be Rarity.
Pinkie: There’s some sort of panic at least once a month! How can I just assume the scream was Rarity if anypony else is just as easy to get to scream?
When Pinkie Pie turned around, she saw Rarity, her dress covered in fresh mud.
"You barbarian! How dare you splash mud on my brand new dress!" She screamed as a stallion ran away from her.
Fallen: She is woman, hear her roar!
"Rarity!" Pinkie Pie yelled, hopping over to her friend.
Rarity looked over at her and sighed, "Oh, hello there Pinkie Pie. How's your day going?"
Pinkie: “If I told you that, the censors would get angry!”
Pinkie Pie smiled widely, "It's been great! I baked deserts all morning! I talked to rose! I had a chat with Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash! Oh! And I fucked Twilight!"
Pinkie: “Yeah, we had sex. No biggie!”
Rarity's eyes widened, and her hoof came up to cover her mouth, "You... did that to Twilight? Did she... let you?"
"Yep!" Pinkie Pie said excitedly, "She just stood there and let me fuck her! It was one of the best fucks I've given in a long time!"
Pinkie: I must REEEEEEEEALLY care then!
Rarity began to sway side to side, "You.... Twilight... How.... mate.... Wha..."
*Thud*
Pinkie Pie looked at Rarity's unconscious body, which had just fallen in a large pile of mud.
Fallen: Because you can’t have Rarity in a scene in a comedy fic without getting her dirty.
"Wow, it's like she's never heard of a pony hugging another..." Pinkie Pie then looked around, looking for someone to help.
When see spotted Lyra, she started waving at her, "Lyra! I need your help with something super duper important!"
Fallen: “I NEED TO GET LAID!”
Pinkie: Lyra’s WAY too into stallions to help with that. Scratchie, maybe, but...
Lyra smiled and began to trot towards her, "What is it.... why is Rarity on the ground?"
Pinkie: Priiiiiimeeeeeeey...
Fallen: I wasn’t gonna say anything!
Pinkie Pie shrugged and waved a hoof over Rarity, "I don't know. I just said I fucked Twilight and she did this!"
Lyra's eyes widened, "You... really?"
Pinkie Pie nodded happily, "Yep! I think it was one of my best fucks ever!"
Fallen: Do I WANT to know how many references you have?
Lyra looked around nervously, "She goes that way, huh?"
"Goes what way?" Pinkie Pie asked, a smile still on her face.
Fallen: “I don’t know either, since she won’t use her FUCKING DIRECTIONALS!”
"You know, ummm, fucking mares?" Lyra said hesitantly.
Pinkie Pie waved a hoof and giggled, "Well duh. Who doesn't love fucking others! I even fuck myself from time to time!"
Pinkie: (laughing like crazy)
Fallen: What?
Pinkie: It’s just- “Luna’s Magic-” the mental picture- HAHAHAHA!
Fallen: I swear, you’re just one big ball of issues.
Lyra raised an eyebrow, "Huh... so, what did you need me for?"
"Oh!" Pinkie Pie said, facehoofing, "I wanted you to take Rarity home. I don't think it's a good idea for her to be out here. Some weirdo may try and give her a fuck! Or worst! They may give her a fuck and tell her about fuck!"
Fallen: Her brain’s just FULL of fuck.
Pinkie: Isn’t it the best feeling EVER?
"I see... Pinkie, do you take medicine?" Lyra asked worriedly.
Pinkie Pie tapped her chin, "Do sugar pills count?"
Fallen: Well, not if you KNOW they’re sugar pills.
"... No.... *Sigh* Just, don't hurt yourself trying to get home." Lyra said, levitating Rarity up and began to trot off towards the boutique.
"What? Am I suppose to go home? Wait, am I?! Yes! I have to give the foals their afternoon fuck!"
Pinkie: ...I don’t like where that’s going.
And with that, she took off for Sugar Cube Corner.
As soon as she burst through the front doors, she yelled out, "Where's the bottles?! I've got some babies to fuck!"
Pinkie: PLEASE tell me this isn’t another “Pinkie Pie the filly molester!”
Fallen: No, you won’t have to see that shit ever again.
Gilda: (snickers from TV)
Fallen: What’s so funny?
Gilda: Oh, nothing...
Everyone in the bakery gasped, two mares in the back fainted, while another up front passed out.
"What? We all have to fuck to survive!" She said as she looked at everyone's shocked faces.
"SO TRUE!" A stallion off to the side said, but received a slap upside the head from the mare next to him.
Fallen: SOMEPONY’S not getting laid tonight.
Pinkie: Who, you?
Fallen: ...I said somePONY.
Pinkie: But am I wrong?
Fallen: Shut up.
Pinkie Pie forced herself to focus and galloped into the back part of the bakery. Once there, she smiled at the two foals, who were currently playing with some blocks.
"Hey! You two ready to be fucked?"
The two foals looked at her and laughed crazily.
Pinkie: What, they think foalcon’s funny!?
Fallen: mrhappyface’s audience thinks so.
Pinkie Pie smiled and quickly got two bottles of milk. She then gave the two foals a bottle and sat back to watch them drink.
"Awwww, you like being fucked, don't you?" She said, proud that she had remembered to feed the two foals.
Wait... feed.
Pinkie: “That word doesn’t mean ‘feed’ at ALL, does it!?”
"Oh no! I forgot to fuck Fluttershy's animals!"
Fallen: I’m sure they’re silently thanking you.
She then shrugged, "Oh well, she'll come to her senses and feed the poor creatures."
After a few minutes, she was back in the kitchen, resuming her kitchen duties.
"I wonder when the Cakes are going to come back from lunch? They should have already fucked all their food by now." She wondered aloud.
Pinkie: How many “cream filling” jokes do you think I can-
Fallen: Don’t.
"Umm, service please?" Said a familiar voice.
"Coming!" Pinkie Pie yelled out.
Fallen: With all the fucking you’ve been doing, it took you this long?
Pinkie: PRIMEY!
Fallen: You’re in no position to judge me right now.
She swiftly ran up to the counter and smiled at her customer. But, the second she saw him, she laughed.
"Hey! You're back already?! Why did you come back so soon?! Did you need more food?! Or, did you forget to..."
Pinkie: “Did you forget how to walk out of the store?”
Fallen: “I have no idea how to breathe.”
The stallion wearing the desperado held up a hoof and sighed, "Oh no... It's the crazy bitch again...
Pinkie: HEY!
Fallen: Let it go, Pinkie. If you ever want to live through Kickass’s stories, you can’t get mad every time that happens.
Look, it turns out Ah need those shortcakes. Could ya please hurry and make em?"
Pinkie Pie saluted, "I sure can! I can have them done within the hour! I..."
"Please, hurry." He urged.
Fallen: “I don’t know what this writer did to you, but the sooner you stop existing, the better!”
Pinkie Pie ran off and quickly baked the shortcakes, which took only thirty minutes.
Once they were done, she ran back and dropped them on the counter, "There you go! Four fucks!"
Pinkie: “And now I’m out of fucks to give!”
Fallen: ...you know what? Due to the nature of the story, you get a pass for the F-bomb.
Pinkie: YAY!
He raised an eyebrow and picked up the bag they were in, "Huh, thanks?"
As he turned, Pinkie Pie reached out and spun him back to face her, "One more thing!"
He sighed loudly, "Yes?"
Fallen: “You still haven’t given ME a fuck yet!”
Pinkie: Wait, the hug kind or the-
Fallen: Take your pick.
Pinkie Pie smiled happily and asked, "What does bitch mean?"
Pinkie: (facehoof)
And that's how Equestria... was thrown into complete disorder.
Fallen: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I quit.
Fallen: Okay. I just... UGH. That was frustrating to try and work with.
Pinkie: Why was everypony acting like that to me? Why was I so OFF?
Fallen: Because I’m pretty sure Kickass hates your fucking guts, and he makes sure everything he writes reflects that.
Pinkie: This isn’t the way I act at all! And- and my friends all acted like I was just that annoying friend they only put up with because I was friends with the others and didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying to my face that they didn’t like me!
Fallen: Oh, they DO say it to your face in LTD. You know, when it’s not too busy overloading you on weed and vodka.
Pinkie: That’s just the worst- wait, WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh yeah. It’s BAD.
Pinkie: Well, then I’m glad I’m not reading that with you when it’s time for you to read it.
Fallen: ...ugh, that’s gonna be soon, isn’t it.
Gilda: (from TV) Okay, that one did the trick more than the last one. But it’s still not enough.
Dash: (from TV) Well, there are still two more stories.
Gilda: For the record, I’m never letting you pick again if we team up like this again.
Dash: Huh? Why not?
Gilda: Because you kinda suck at it.
Dash: You’re one to talk. Your first story was just as pathetic as mine!
Gilda: You don’t know what else I grabbed, though. And I KNOW my last two stories will completely wreck her.
Pinkie: (stands up triumphantly) Challenge accepted!
Fallen: What’s so different about accepting it now as opposed to earlier?
Gilda: Alright, if you’re so ready... does the name DontWannaKnow mean anything to you?
Fallen: Shit.
Pinkie: ...we’re doing THAT story?
Gilda: Yes you are. “Pinkie Gets Wet,” the story the author calls a sequel to “A Fun Day!”
Dash: WOW. That story shook us ALL up. If anything’s gonna screw Pinkie up, it’s a story about her by the same author!
Gilda: And if it doesn’t, there’s always our number five.
Dash: Which we were gonna show her anyway. The plan was to go to five, not to go until she breaks.
Gilda: Actually, speaking of breaks, I think you two have had enough of one. You ready?
Fallen: As always. Pinkie?
Pinkie: Well... it’s gonna be rough. But at least you’ll be here to do it with me.
Fallen: Good enough.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
Pinkie: Why was everypony acting like that to me? Why was I so OFF?
Fallen: Because I’m pretty sure Kickass hates your fucking guts, and he makes sure everything he writes reflects that.
Pinkie: This isn’t the way I act at all! And- and my friends all acted like I was just that annoying friend they only put up with because I was friends with the others and didn’t want to hurt my feelings by saying to my face that they didn’t like me!
Fallen: Oh, they DO say it to your face in LTD. You know, when it’s not too busy overloading you on weed and vodka.
Pinkie: That’s just the worst- wait, WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh yeah. It’s BAD.
Pinkie: Well, then I’m glad I’m not reading that with you when it’s time for you to read it.
Fallen: ...ugh, that’s gonna be soon, isn’t it.
Gilda: (from TV) Okay, that one did the trick more than the last one. But it’s still not enough.
Dash: (from TV) Well, there are still two more stories.
Gilda: For the record, I’m never letting you pick again if we team up like this again.
Dash: Huh? Why not?
Gilda: Because you kinda suck at it.
Dash: You’re one to talk. Your first story was just as pathetic as mine!
Gilda: You don’t know what else I grabbed, though. And I KNOW my last two stories will completely wreck her.
Pinkie: (stands up triumphantly) Challenge accepted!
Fallen: What’s so different about accepting it now as opposed to earlier?
Gilda: Alright, if you’re so ready... does the name DontWannaKnow mean anything to you?
Fallen: Shit.
Pinkie: ...we’re doing THAT story?
Gilda: Yes you are. “Pinkie Gets Wet,” the story the author calls a sequel to “A Fun Day!”
Dash: WOW. That story shook us ALL up. If anything’s gonna screw Pinkie up, it’s a story about her by the same author!
Gilda: And if it doesn’t, there’s always our number five.
Dash: Which we were gonna show her anyway. The plan was to go to five, not to go until she breaks.
Gilda: Actually, speaking of breaks, I think you two have had enough of one. You ready?
Fallen: As always. Pinkie?
Pinkie: Well... it’s gonna be rough. But at least you’ll be here to do it with me.
Fallen: Good enough.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkie: We’ve got story sign!
Pinkie Gets Wet
Fallen: I can see this going full clop just from the title.
“BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!” Twilight Sparkle said ardently, leafing through her booking book. She was booked!
Pinkie: That’s not all there is to her!
“That is sooooo in character,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
“Fooooolk wisdom!” Apple Jack agreed.
Fluttershy imploded gently.
Fallen: And THAT’S not all there is to- wait, she imploded!?
“Talk about a non-sequitur!” Pinkie Pie laughed as Fluttershy struggled to stop being a tear in the fabric of spacetime.
Pinkie: That’s actually REALLY hard to stop doing!
Fallen: I... can imagine. I think.
“Pardon me girls, but am I the only one who’s confused?” Rarity asked.
Fallen: Noooope.
“Talk about a non-seq…”
“Pinkie shut up! You’ll make someone else implode!” Rainbow Dash cut her friend off.
Fallen: A word can really do-
Pinkie: ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG!
(A nuclear explosion is heard in the distance.)
Fallen: ...don’t do that again.
“But…that happened after…"
Pinkie: I kind of have a point.
Fallen: If a story’s depicting you as the level-headed one, I don’t think it’s gonna have much in the way of sanity.
“It doesn’t matter Pinkie, time is an illusion!” Twilight booked in frustration. “I mean, gerunding like that is totally unacceptable!”
Fallen: Um...
“My goodness Twilight dear, you…you gerunded the word gerund!” Rarity was horrified.
“And you verbed it!” Booklight countered, “we’re even!”
Fallen: ...can someone please explain what the fuck this is?
Pinkie: I don’t actually see what this has to do with “A Fun Day” yet, so I guess that’s good.
“Talk about a…”
“SHUT UP PINKIE!” Rainbow snapped.
“But it’s my new catch-phrase!”
Pinkie: I don’t have any catchphrases, do I?
Fallen: I can name a few stock phrases...
An incredibly handsome alicorn who was good at everything walked into the library. “Oh snap,” Pinkie exclaimed, “an OC!”
Rainbow Dash produced a colt 45 and shot him in the head.
Fallen: Good. Now we need to sic her on the rest of the fanfiction community. the Great OC Cleansing shall commence!
Pinkie: Didn’t one of your stories have an OC as a main character?
Fallen: Not an alicorn who was good at everything.
Pinkie: He’s still an OC, though, isn’t-
Fallen: Oh dear god, COLT .45. Fucking PUNS.
“What the book just happened?!” Twibook ejaculated.
Pinkie: You mean like from her horn? Can unicorns even do that?
Fallen: Tell me it’s not ME you’re asking.
“Who the buck was that?”
“Somebody’s…”
Fallen: Somebody’s allergic to finishing their sentences.
“TALK ABOUT A NON-SEQUITUR!!” Pinkie boogled. Fluttershy returned to her normal state, but before she could even squee she burst into flames.
Fallen: My ability to even steadily drains with each passing moment.
Pinkie: Isn’t it the best-
Fallen: NO, IT’S NOT THE BEST FEELING EVER.
“Fluttershy stop being outrageous!” Rarity chastised her, but the pegasus was already running about the library screaming madly.
“Seriously Bookershy, book a book,” Booklight booked.
Pinkie: She’s turning into books!
Fallen: That doesn’t excuse her saying “book” so many times, though.
“She’s such a drama queen!” Rarity deadpanned.
“Southern hospitality!” Apple Jack agreed.
Fallen: Is she gonna say anything that’s actually SAYING something?
Fluttershy exploded like a giant cherry bomb, spattering the library walls with blood.
Pinkie: That looks familiar...
Fallen: Hello, “Momma Fluttershy” flashbacks.
“What a loud-mouth!” Dash scoffed. Suddenly a jet-stream of red ichor blasted out of her own left eye socket, disloging the glossy lavender orb it held. “Curses!” she cried, “mine dream of the Wonderbolts is rainbow-dashed! They shalt never accept a Pegasus with but one wing and one eye!”
Fallen: One eye would be fine, probably. And what’s wrong with her wing?
“But Dashie, your wing is…” Pinkie Pie stopped in mid-sentence as her doppelganger burst into existence, produced a cleaver and hacked off one of Rainbow’s wings.
Pinkie: WOW! Are you psy-
Fallen: NO ONE’S PSYCHIC, PINKIE.
“HGRAAAAAAAAAAAA” Dash shrieked backwards and did a triple lutz.
Pinkie’s straight-haired double looked at the petrified poufy pink party pony.
Fallen: And awkward alliteration.
“I’m more popular than you!” she declared.
“Why would you do that?!” Pinkie cried, grabbing Rainbow Dash and trying to put pressure on her wound.
Pinkie: “It’ll be fine, wound. Just remember that you’ve got a really short deadline and everypony you ever knew is counting on you for this!”
Rainbow put a hoof to her own forehead grammatically, preparing for a semicoloned sentence. “It’s okay Pinks, I’ve already accepted I must embrace my backup career; I must become a figure-skater!” she lamented.
Pinkie: Wait, really?
Dash: (from TV) NO!
“Talk about a non-seq…”
“Shut up Pinkie Pie,”
Pinkie: Are you sure we’re not still reading “Pinkie Pie learns a new word?”
said Pinkamena, lighting a cigarette and eating it, “there can only be one of us! We must engage in mortal combat!”
“The act or the game?”
Fallen: Well, there’s no K, so...
“Choose!”
“Fluttershy, you know what to do!” Pinkie glared at Pinkamena, not breaking eye contact even when Fluttershy materialized holding a Super Nintendo.
Fallen: Why is Fluttershy the reality warper? That’s usually YOUR job.
Pinkie: (on the ceiling) What are you talking about?
“Dayum!” Rainbow Dash backed dat ass up, “Shit just got real! Pinkie’s never stressin’ when she’s SNESin’.”
Fallen: But if she was NESin’, there would be SO many much harder games. Mega Man, Battletoads, Ninja Gaiden...
-----
*Ready*
*FIGHT!*
Fallen: First thing that came to mind.
Pinkie and Pinkamena began a deluge of button mashing.
Fallen: You know. Typical fighting game.
Pinkie: Isn’t there strategy involved, though?
Fallen: Even if you have an elaborate plan and know a character in and out, you can still lose to some half-wit tossing their controller up and down a flight of stairs.
Already the straight-haired pony was ahead.
“I can’t believe you picked Johnny Cage, he’s so OP!” Pinkie bit off the tip of her tongue and spat it in her doppelganger’s face.
Fallen: Uh... why?
Pinkie: Probably because of the reason.
Fallen: Yeah, that makes sense.
“Ha, as if! And I like being covered in blood, so throw any body parts you want at me!” Pinkamena laughed maniacally. Pinkie Pie was losing like a mofo! She needed an edge! She needed an ace in the hole! She needed to do the thing she did best:
Pinkie: Hey, yeah! I think Pinkamena just needs a party to-
distraction.
Pinkie: That too!
Fallen: THE PARTY RUSE WAS A........... DISTACTION
“Fluttershy, hit it!” The Pegasus nodded solemnly, then began.
Pinkie: Wait, wasn’t I the one who was supposed to be distracting her? Why is Fluttershy doing it?
“Boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka-boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka…” Fluttershy dropped the beat like a sack of puppies.
Pinkie: Who would drop a sack of puppies!?
Fallen: Pinkie, we’ve riffed stories by some really sick fucks. How can you still ask that?
Pinkamena looked momentarily confused. Pinkie Pie saw her chance and took it. Sonya Blade’s fist smashed into Johnny Cage’s chin. That little guy who says “toasty!” popped out and said that shit harder than he’d ever said it before. So began the rap of victory.
Pinkie: The what?
Fallen: Sweet zombie Jesus... I thought we were done with this shit after “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell!”
“Ay. Yo. Pinkamena…you mad bro?” Pinkie grinned ear to ear as her counterpart desperately tried to recover.
Fallen: Alas, Recover only heals HALF your health, and considering how close to death you were when you used it...
“Pinkamena why you stressin’?
Cuz I’m teachin’ you a lesson?
Pinkie: Did I just turn into Cheerilee?
Cuz I’m master of the SNES n’
Your ass sucks it’s so depressin’?
Fallen: Hard to suck at a button masher.
Cuz I’m kickin’ uppercuttin’
You just mashin’ every button
Fallen: Again, an idiot tossing his controller around could still beat someone with a strategy by being completely goddamn unpredictable even to themselves.
For punishment you’re a glutton
tenderized like you was mutton
Pinkie Pie know what it do
Pinkie: Because poor literacy is KEWL!
Though I can’t say the same for you
Gonna nail ya like a screw
Pinkie: No, you SCREW screws! It’s NAILS that you nail!
Gonna fail ya then you’re through
Bitch you think you tight because you slashied up a dashie?
Ho we murder foals for fun n’ bake ‘em up until they ashy
Pinkie: EW! Why would you burn something to ashes if you’re trying to cook it to eat? Is that even ACCIDENTALLY possible!?
Fallen: Sweetie Belle can liquefy TOAST.
You think cupcakes fulla swag so now you actin’ like you flashy?
We did shit to Scootaloo that makes your masterpiece look trashy!
Fallen: Oh, THERE’S the link to “A Fun Day.”
We beat ‘er and we cut ‘er
Fed her shit like it was butter
Cut off all her legs n’ gut ‘er
Then we fed her ass to Flutter
Pinkie: Wow. That was a quick summary!
Fallen: So quick that you have to wonder why the story was as long as it was in the first place.
Fool Pinkie P. be part of canon
Cupcakes? That shit’s just fanon
Fallen: Word the fuck up.
So why dontcha get to mannin’
up and accept this bannin’
Pinkie: Because she’s not a stallion!
See I party every day
I rock with Andrew Dubya K
Fallen: Do you even know who that is?
Pinkie: I don’t think so.
And believe me when I say
That shit’s okay dokay lokay!
Fallen: That might be the worst thing ever written by humanity.
So yo Pinkamena now’s the time you have to face reality
Fallen: Seriously? To Pinkie Pie, reality is the world’s greatest joke.
Superior skills I do possess it ain’t no commonality
I kicked your ass so fuckin’ fast it’s just straight up brutality
Pinkie: She had me on the ropes, though, didn’t she?
So I’ma chill and that’s my flow…oh by the way…”
*FATALITY!*
Pinkie: I think I’d rather end it with FRIENDSHIP!
Fallen: ...is that even an option in the newer games?
The victorious Pie stood proudly, controller in hoof, sweat pouring down her face, blood trickling out of her mouth. She picked up a bottle and smashed it on her head, licking up the beer as it trickled down her face.
Pinkie: Wouldn’t it be easier to just drink it? And... less painful?
Pinkie was wet. “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Fluttershy sublimated into a yellow vapor.
Fallen: Because god forbid Fluttershy act like she’s grounded in reality.
To her surprise, Pinkamena just laughed. “You foal! You think you’re the only one with skills? I challenge you to a second round! And this time, I rhyme.”
Pinkie: You just did, you silly filly!
“Challenge accepted,” Pinkie’s eyes narrowed.
Fallen: No, no, no. Like this.
Pinkie: WHOA! You just said a YouTube video!
Fallen: And?
Pinkamena lit another cigarette, took a drag this time, then ate it.
Pinkie: Did... she just...
“Hey can I rap too?” Twilight booked. “READ A BOOK! READ A BOOK! READ A MOTHAFUCKIN’BO…”
“Shut up Twilight,” Pinkie shut her ass down. “Aight Pinkamena, let’s do this!”
Pinkie: ...
Fallen: I think she just blue-screened.
Gilda: Too bad for her, ‘cuz there’s still two more chapters.
Fallen: Oh, goddammit.
Pinkamena's Revenge
Fallen: And she never left the bathroom again.
Pinkamena Diane Pie cleared her throat, a wry smile on her face.
"Ha" Pinkie Pie grinned, "nobody here's gonna beat box for you byatch!"
Pinkie: She could beatbox for herself!
Fallen: Beatbox and rap at the same time?
Pinkie: You’ve never done that?
"As if I need it," the straight haired one scoffed. She clapped her hooves and a drum kit exploded into existence in the middle of the library.
Fallen: And I’m past the point of questioning anything you ever do in a story.
She lit a cigarette and sat down, and picked up the sticks. Pinkamena proceeded to drop the fattest beat any of the ponies had ever heard.
Pinkie: HEY! The beat’s trying to lose weight, okay? You’re not helping its self-esteem!
Fluttershy reappeared as newborn foal and began aging rapidly, went through one of those "phases", then had a midlife crisis but died before she could go out and buy anything ridiculous.
Fallen: Like buying her way out of the story?
"Alright Pinkie," she sped up her drum beat in preparation, "prepare to get your face melted."
Pinkie: Actually, I think I like my face the way it is.
"So Pinkie wanna thinkie she some kinda superstar
But Pinkamena's got the science here to tell you what you are
Fallen: Thank god, because no one else seems to.
Don't try to run don't try to hide bitch cuz you won't get very far
My rhymes are sharper than my cleaver and doper than black tar
Pinkie: What does tar have to do with dope?
See Pink you operate upon a massive misconception
You may have been here first but shit kicked off with my inception
Fallen: WE NEED TO RAP DEEPER.
Cupcakes rocked the world when they saw my predilection
for violence blood and gore and the sweet art of dissection
Fallen: That’s because the idea of making the characters do something fucked up to each other was NEW at the time. Now it’s just...
Pinkie: Bluh?
Fallen: Bluh.
See it's the fans that matter fool and among them I'm a rave
I can stave the grave shit you throw at me because I'm the real fave
Fallen: Ha. Just... HA.
I paved the way to the dark cave from which came the grimdark wave
So now it's time to whip your ass like you were my little slave
Pinkie: OOH! I should make you riff that too!
Fallen: UGH.
Compared to me your stupid parties are nothing but frivolity
I've got substance, style, eloquence; It's not quantity it's quality
Fallen: Even though this one’s actually longer than Pinkie’s first rap.
Pinkie: First?
Fallen: You get another one after this.
And your type's a dime a dozen cousin that's just the reality
So back it up and shut it down you can't say shit at all to me
Fallen: (clears throat) “Shit at all.” The defense rests.
First off that poufy hair is the definition of ridiculous
My mane's the main attraction don't deny that I look sick with this
Pinkie: Actually, I don’t mind having the straight mane! It’s just that it won’t STAY straight.
Your cooking's not even worth my time so I'ma be quick with this
Your cupcakes suck mine are sick as fuck, so well known that they're ubiquitous
Second thing your rhymes are weak as hell I didn't even flinch
Fallen: Lost the hell out of Mortal Kombat, though.
I can drop loquacious flows even when I'm in a pinch
I'm so evil on the beat I'll ruin your christmas like the grinch
I own the flow, you little ho,
Pinkie: I don’t see your name on it!
for PDP this shit's a cinch
For third it just occurred to me your attitude's obnoxious
'Party party all the time' man thats absolutely noxious
Fallen: You’re not kidding. How did Eddie Murphy even think a singing career was a good idea?
I revoke your party license so your ass better be cautious
You're so fucking over-hyped it makes me positively nauseous
Fallen: “Nauseous” was reading “A Fun Day.” Pinkie’s fine as is.
Pinkie: Aww, thank you!
So Pinky P.
you should give me
this one for free
Pinkie: Sorry, no discounts for murderer cannibals!
cuz I'm beatin' you, you cretin, that's how it's always gonna be
like Bruce Lee
I smack you down then collect my fee
crush you like a falling tree
Pinkie: But you don’t crush falling trees!
Fallen: I’m not sure that’s what he meant.
that you didn't see G
ignoring any plea
to stop boiling you like tea
Pinkie: That’s not very nice! If somepony asks you to stop, you should stop!
Fallen: Pinkie, it’s your alternate counterpart who chops ponies up and bakes them. “Nice” isn’t in her vocabulary.
So Pinkie Pie its time to die I'm shutting down your party
You're Like Twi: too late, your sad ass is already fuckin' tardy
Fallen: Good job, Pinkamena, Twi’s having another meltdown. I hope you’re happy.
You're a punk, a goof, a jest, a fool, a joke, a Laurel and fuckin' Hardy
Gonna chop you up and bake you into cupcakes oh so hearty
Fallen: Considering where Pinkamena seems to be from, I’m calling that an organ pun.
Any fame, acclaim, big name you got is not in the least deserved
My popularity keeps growing like an exponential curve
Pinkie: I didn’t think people still cared enough about “Cupcakes,” though!
I got more swag, I got more fans, I got a tighter swerve
Gonna make a Pinkie Pie of you, with ice cream you'll be served.
Fallen: I just realized something.
Pinkie: What?
Fallen: There was a quotation mark at the start of this.
Pinkie: So?
Fallen: There’s none at the end. Or anywhere else in here.
Pinkamena's drums reverberated throughout the room, the sound of the last crash slowly fading away as Pinkie Pie lay floored on the floor. Pinkamena hadn't even booken a sweat.
Fallen: I don’t think you’ve ever booken anything in your life.
Pinkie was shivering, every pore on her skin leaking. She'd been slammed. She'd been served. She was wet. In a bad way.
Pinkie: Uh...
Gilda: One more to go.
Fallen: Oh, COME ON!
Pinkified!
Fallen: Oh shit, you’re gonna assimilate everyone.
“How could I lose,” Pinkie Pie mumbled to herself as she lay on the ground in an almost catatonic state. She'd been served so hard she was dying. “It doesn’t make sense…”
Pinkie: What makes even LESS sense is me dying from words!
Doesn’t make sense?
Doesn’t make sense…
Fallen: Doesn’t make sense?
Pinkie: Doesn’t make sense!
“It doesn’t have to make any sense at all!” the pink pony shouted in sudden joy, springing up from her prone position with new vigor.
Fallen: How?
Pinkie: Jumping’s really easy! All you have to do is-
Fallen: No. I mean... how is THIS... an epiphany for YOU?
“What are you talking about?” Pinkamena asked suspiciously.
“Fluttershy!” Pinkie called. Suddenly she felt nauseous and vomited up a yellow whiffle ball bat which lackadaisically grew to become the yellow pegasus.
Pinkie: Ew! This is why I never wanted to be a parasprite!
Fluttershy blinked a few times before she realized that she existed again and what she was supposed to do. Then she began boxing an even fatter beat than before.
Pinkie: Come on! It’s dieting and working out! There’s only so much a beat can do to get in shape!
“What is this nonsense?!” Pinkamena demanded.
“Exactly,” Pinkie laughed.
Fallen: ...not gonna follow that up?
“Shut the fuck up cuz I got a rubber chicken
Double barrel buckshot in a fat spastic innertube
Pinkie: Shotguns and rubber chickens?
Fallen: That... might be the most awesome thing ever.
I do my taxes with paint and my artwork with Quicken
I’ma fuck this track’s ass so I hope you have lube
Fallen: She doesn’t have a dick. Unless she spawns a strapon out of nowhere, the worst she can do is dry-hump it.
Making sense is for pussies and I ain’t no puddy-tat
Fallen: Okay, that line was a little clever.
I shaved my face with some cocaine mace in the dark
I got a mouth like a cannon so I don’t need a gat
You better watch your shit cuz your bite ain’t your bark
Pinkie: Who even said it was?
Crunk hobgoblins in a laconic dream firestorm
Cut off my left leg with a funky jigsaw puzzle
Bon-bon’d on your face with a human-ass Lyra-form
Callin’ on my crookshank to punch you in the muzzle
Pinkie: What even WAS any of that?
I got tattooed in a drive-by with a shifty space needle
I left my balls in a taxicab and now it’s drivin’ me nuts
Fallen: Alright, I have to give it that too.
Weedle weedle weedle TV show reference weedle weedle
Pinkie: That sounds fun to say! Weedle weedle weed-
Fallen: Stop.
Pinkie: Please?
Fallen: No. I like Caterpie better anyway.
You’ll never find my jive cuz it’s chillin in the cuts
I get wet every morning cuz I got a busted waterbed
Banhammer crackin’ with a goat cheese clown car
Fallen: That sentence is full of the purest, untampered fuck ore.
I’ma kick your Harry ass cuz you nothin’ but a Potterhead
I shoot up black, white, red, and sometimes even brown tar
Pinkie: No, seriously, how does tar make sense here?
Fallen: How are YOU the one who gets lost by drug references?
Pinkie: What are you implying?
Fallen: ...are we playing Questions Only right now?
Pinkie: Do you want to be?
Beans on toast cuz I’m down with the British food
I’m the real pink you ain’t nothing but magenta fool
Pinkie: She’s still me, though, so she’s still pink!
What’s with the wide eyes you look a little skittish dude
I’ve got a hotel coupon so I’ma go rent a pool
Fallen: As is the logical progression of things.
Mumble fumble rumble stumble at a cash-cow toll booth
Gimme back my stiff drink with a double Limp Bizkit
Fallen: And your street cred takes a hard nosedive.
Pinkie P. bust up your chops and I’m pullin’ out a troll tooth
I got nothing left to lose so I might as well risk it
Pinkie: My friends are still right there, aren’t they? That counts as something left to lose!
I don’t believe in ghosts cuz most of them are me
Slap the money in the bucket with a dope tire iron
You’re way too Fluttershy
Fallen: Which, in this case, means she’s too prone to mooning the laws of reality, throwing puppies at them, and absconding on a stolen bulldozer.
Pinkie: ...WHAT!?
Fallen: True story. Sadly.
so you might as well squee
My lyrics are insane like poetry by Lord Byron
Fallen: Or like lyrics by DontWannaKnow.
Pinkie: You’re just saying it’s as weird as itself!
Fallen: THANK YOU, Pinkie.
Forcing cotton candy all the way inside your nose
I see your ‘Cupcakes’ and I raise you ‘A Fun Day’
Fallen: Okay, yeah. “A Fun Day” was worse.
You better beat it Pinkamena cuz you’re creepin out my bros
Pinkie: If “A Fun Day” happened in this, how could they get creeped out by the me from “Cupcakes?”
There’s no more mayonnaise so here’s a bad segue
Fallen: Well, you’re not wrong.
Pinkamena you’re a liverwurst I don’t need to qualify it
Pinkamena can’t rap she got nothin’ so the heck wit ‘er
Pinkie: I almost DIED from Pinkamena’s rap, though! Why am I saying-
Fallen: Because what boast rap would say “Yo, you’re good and all, but...”
You got boogled on my crazy I take your ass and nullify it
I don’t have to make sense bitch talk about a non-sequitur!
Pinkie: ...
Fallen: I’ll give DWK this much: he has a good sense of flow.
Pinkamena Diane Pie’s head exploded violently, covering her counterpart in a fresh coating of blood. Her body hit the floor like a sack of wombats.
Fallen: And that’s basically all the closure we get. Fuck Fluttershy’s reality bending, fuck Rainbow Dash’s missing wing, no one cares about those!
Pinkie: Actually, you’re not wrong there!
Pinkie was wet.
Fin.
Fallen: ...we just riffed Epic Rap Battles of History.
Pinkie: I can’t even.
Fallen: Well... at least it’s over.
Fallen: I can see this going full clop just from the title.
“BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!” Twilight Sparkle said ardently, leafing through her booking book. She was booked!
Pinkie: That’s not all there is to her!
“That is sooooo in character,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.
“Fooooolk wisdom!” Apple Jack agreed.
Fluttershy imploded gently.
Fallen: And THAT’S not all there is to- wait, she imploded!?
“Talk about a non-sequitur!” Pinkie Pie laughed as Fluttershy struggled to stop being a tear in the fabric of spacetime.
Pinkie: That’s actually REALLY hard to stop doing!
Fallen: I... can imagine. I think.
“Pardon me girls, but am I the only one who’s confused?” Rarity asked.
Fallen: Noooope.
“Talk about a non-seq…”
“Pinkie shut up! You’ll make someone else implode!” Rainbow Dash cut her friend off.
Fallen: A word can really do-
Pinkie: ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG!
(A nuclear explosion is heard in the distance.)
Fallen: ...don’t do that again.
“But…that happened after…"
Pinkie: I kind of have a point.
Fallen: If a story’s depicting you as the level-headed one, I don’t think it’s gonna have much in the way of sanity.
“It doesn’t matter Pinkie, time is an illusion!” Twilight booked in frustration. “I mean, gerunding like that is totally unacceptable!”
Fallen: Um...
“My goodness Twilight dear, you…you gerunded the word gerund!” Rarity was horrified.
“And you verbed it!” Booklight countered, “we’re even!”
Fallen: ...can someone please explain what the fuck this is?
Pinkie: I don’t actually see what this has to do with “A Fun Day” yet, so I guess that’s good.
“Talk about a…”
“SHUT UP PINKIE!” Rainbow snapped.
“But it’s my new catch-phrase!”
Pinkie: I don’t have any catchphrases, do I?
Fallen: I can name a few stock phrases...
An incredibly handsome alicorn who was good at everything walked into the library. “Oh snap,” Pinkie exclaimed, “an OC!”
Rainbow Dash produced a colt 45 and shot him in the head.
Fallen: Good. Now we need to sic her on the rest of the fanfiction community. the Great OC Cleansing shall commence!
Pinkie: Didn’t one of your stories have an OC as a main character?
Fallen: Not an alicorn who was good at everything.
Pinkie: He’s still an OC, though, isn’t-
Fallen: Oh dear god, COLT .45. Fucking PUNS.
“What the book just happened?!” Twibook ejaculated.
Pinkie: You mean like from her horn? Can unicorns even do that?
Fallen: Tell me it’s not ME you’re asking.
“Who the buck was that?”
“Somebody’s…”
Fallen: Somebody’s allergic to finishing their sentences.
“TALK ABOUT A NON-SEQUITUR!!” Pinkie boogled. Fluttershy returned to her normal state, but before she could even squee she burst into flames.
Fallen: My ability to even steadily drains with each passing moment.
Pinkie: Isn’t it the best-
Fallen: NO, IT’S NOT THE BEST FEELING EVER.
“Fluttershy stop being outrageous!” Rarity chastised her, but the pegasus was already running about the library screaming madly.
“Seriously Bookershy, book a book,” Booklight booked.
Pinkie: She’s turning into books!
Fallen: That doesn’t excuse her saying “book” so many times, though.
“She’s such a drama queen!” Rarity deadpanned.
“Southern hospitality!” Apple Jack agreed.
Fallen: Is she gonna say anything that’s actually SAYING something?
Fluttershy exploded like a giant cherry bomb, spattering the library walls with blood.
Pinkie: That looks familiar...
Fallen: Hello, “Momma Fluttershy” flashbacks.
“What a loud-mouth!” Dash scoffed. Suddenly a jet-stream of red ichor blasted out of her own left eye socket, disloging the glossy lavender orb it held. “Curses!” she cried, “mine dream of the Wonderbolts is rainbow-dashed! They shalt never accept a Pegasus with but one wing and one eye!”
Fallen: One eye would be fine, probably. And what’s wrong with her wing?
“But Dashie, your wing is…” Pinkie Pie stopped in mid-sentence as her doppelganger burst into existence, produced a cleaver and hacked off one of Rainbow’s wings.
Pinkie: WOW! Are you psy-
Fallen: NO ONE’S PSYCHIC, PINKIE.
“HGRAAAAAAAAAAAA” Dash shrieked backwards and did a triple lutz.
Pinkie’s straight-haired double looked at the petrified poufy pink party pony.
Fallen: And awkward alliteration.
“I’m more popular than you!” she declared.
“Why would you do that?!” Pinkie cried, grabbing Rainbow Dash and trying to put pressure on her wound.
Pinkie: “It’ll be fine, wound. Just remember that you’ve got a really short deadline and everypony you ever knew is counting on you for this!”
Rainbow put a hoof to her own forehead grammatically, preparing for a semicoloned sentence. “It’s okay Pinks, I’ve already accepted I must embrace my backup career; I must become a figure-skater!” she lamented.
Pinkie: Wait, really?
Dash: (from TV) NO!
“Talk about a non-seq…”
“Shut up Pinkie Pie,”
Pinkie: Are you sure we’re not still reading “Pinkie Pie learns a new word?”
said Pinkamena, lighting a cigarette and eating it, “there can only be one of us! We must engage in mortal combat!”
“The act or the game?”
Fallen: Well, there’s no K, so...
“Choose!”
“Fluttershy, you know what to do!” Pinkie glared at Pinkamena, not breaking eye contact even when Fluttershy materialized holding a Super Nintendo.
Fallen: Why is Fluttershy the reality warper? That’s usually YOUR job.
Pinkie: (on the ceiling) What are you talking about?
“Dayum!” Rainbow Dash backed dat ass up, “Shit just got real! Pinkie’s never stressin’ when she’s SNESin’.”
Fallen: But if she was NESin’, there would be SO many much harder games. Mega Man, Battletoads, Ninja Gaiden...
-----
*Ready*
*FIGHT!*
Fallen: First thing that came to mind.
Pinkie and Pinkamena began a deluge of button mashing.
Fallen: You know. Typical fighting game.
Pinkie: Isn’t there strategy involved, though?
Fallen: Even if you have an elaborate plan and know a character in and out, you can still lose to some half-wit tossing their controller up and down a flight of stairs.
Already the straight-haired pony was ahead.
“I can’t believe you picked Johnny Cage, he’s so OP!” Pinkie bit off the tip of her tongue and spat it in her doppelganger’s face.
Fallen: Uh... why?
Pinkie: Probably because of the reason.
Fallen: Yeah, that makes sense.
“Ha, as if! And I like being covered in blood, so throw any body parts you want at me!” Pinkamena laughed maniacally. Pinkie Pie was losing like a mofo! She needed an edge! She needed an ace in the hole! She needed to do the thing she did best:
Pinkie: Hey, yeah! I think Pinkamena just needs a party to-
distraction.
Pinkie: That too!
Fallen: THE PARTY RUSE WAS A........... DISTACTION
“Fluttershy, hit it!” The Pegasus nodded solemnly, then began.
Pinkie: Wait, wasn’t I the one who was supposed to be distracting her? Why is Fluttershy doing it?
“Boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka-boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka…” Fluttershy dropped the beat like a sack of puppies.
Pinkie: Who would drop a sack of puppies!?
Fallen: Pinkie, we’ve riffed stories by some really sick fucks. How can you still ask that?
Pinkamena looked momentarily confused. Pinkie Pie saw her chance and took it. Sonya Blade’s fist smashed into Johnny Cage’s chin. That little guy who says “toasty!” popped out and said that shit harder than he’d ever said it before. So began the rap of victory.
Pinkie: The what?
Fallen: Sweet zombie Jesus... I thought we were done with this shit after “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell!”
“Ay. Yo. Pinkamena…you mad bro?” Pinkie grinned ear to ear as her counterpart desperately tried to recover.
Fallen: Alas, Recover only heals HALF your health, and considering how close to death you were when you used it...
“Pinkamena why you stressin’?
Cuz I’m teachin’ you a lesson?
Pinkie: Did I just turn into Cheerilee?
Cuz I’m master of the SNES n’
Your ass sucks it’s so depressin’?
Fallen: Hard to suck at a button masher.
Cuz I’m kickin’ uppercuttin’
You just mashin’ every button
Fallen: Again, an idiot tossing his controller around could still beat someone with a strategy by being completely goddamn unpredictable even to themselves.
For punishment you’re a glutton
tenderized like you was mutton
Pinkie Pie know what it do
Pinkie: Because poor literacy is KEWL!
Though I can’t say the same for you
Gonna nail ya like a screw
Pinkie: No, you SCREW screws! It’s NAILS that you nail!
Gonna fail ya then you’re through
Bitch you think you tight because you slashied up a dashie?
Ho we murder foals for fun n’ bake ‘em up until they ashy
Pinkie: EW! Why would you burn something to ashes if you’re trying to cook it to eat? Is that even ACCIDENTALLY possible!?
Fallen: Sweetie Belle can liquefy TOAST.
You think cupcakes fulla swag so now you actin’ like you flashy?
We did shit to Scootaloo that makes your masterpiece look trashy!
Fallen: Oh, THERE’S the link to “A Fun Day.”
We beat ‘er and we cut ‘er
Fed her shit like it was butter
Cut off all her legs n’ gut ‘er
Then we fed her ass to Flutter
Pinkie: Wow. That was a quick summary!
Fallen: So quick that you have to wonder why the story was as long as it was in the first place.
Fool Pinkie P. be part of canon
Cupcakes? That shit’s just fanon
Fallen: Word the fuck up.
So why dontcha get to mannin’
up and accept this bannin’
Pinkie: Because she’s not a stallion!
See I party every day
I rock with Andrew Dubya K
Fallen: Do you even know who that is?
Pinkie: I don’t think so.
And believe me when I say
That shit’s okay dokay lokay!
Fallen: That might be the worst thing ever written by humanity.
So yo Pinkamena now’s the time you have to face reality
Fallen: Seriously? To Pinkie Pie, reality is the world’s greatest joke.
Superior skills I do possess it ain’t no commonality
I kicked your ass so fuckin’ fast it’s just straight up brutality
Pinkie: She had me on the ropes, though, didn’t she?
So I’ma chill and that’s my flow…oh by the way…”
*FATALITY!*
Pinkie: I think I’d rather end it with FRIENDSHIP!
Fallen: ...is that even an option in the newer games?
The victorious Pie stood proudly, controller in hoof, sweat pouring down her face, blood trickling out of her mouth. She picked up a bottle and smashed it on her head, licking up the beer as it trickled down her face.
Pinkie: Wouldn’t it be easier to just drink it? And... less painful?
Pinkie was wet. “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Fluttershy sublimated into a yellow vapor.
Fallen: Because god forbid Fluttershy act like she’s grounded in reality.
To her surprise, Pinkamena just laughed. “You foal! You think you’re the only one with skills? I challenge you to a second round! And this time, I rhyme.”
Pinkie: You just did, you silly filly!
“Challenge accepted,” Pinkie’s eyes narrowed.
Fallen: No, no, no. Like this.
Pinkie: WHOA! You just said a YouTube video!
Fallen: And?
Pinkamena lit another cigarette, took a drag this time, then ate it.
Pinkie: Did... she just...
“Hey can I rap too?” Twilight booked. “READ A BOOK! READ A BOOK! READ A MOTHAFUCKIN’BO…”
“Shut up Twilight,” Pinkie shut her ass down. “Aight Pinkamena, let’s do this!”
Pinkie: ...
Fallen: I think she just blue-screened.
Gilda: Too bad for her, ‘cuz there’s still two more chapters.
Fallen: Oh, goddammit.
Pinkamena's Revenge
Fallen: And she never left the bathroom again.
Pinkamena Diane Pie cleared her throat, a wry smile on her face.
"Ha" Pinkie Pie grinned, "nobody here's gonna beat box for you byatch!"
Pinkie: She could beatbox for herself!
Fallen: Beatbox and rap at the same time?
Pinkie: You’ve never done that?
"As if I need it," the straight haired one scoffed. She clapped her hooves and a drum kit exploded into existence in the middle of the library.
Fallen: And I’m past the point of questioning anything you ever do in a story.
She lit a cigarette and sat down, and picked up the sticks. Pinkamena proceeded to drop the fattest beat any of the ponies had ever heard.
Pinkie: HEY! The beat’s trying to lose weight, okay? You’re not helping its self-esteem!
Fluttershy reappeared as newborn foal and began aging rapidly, went through one of those "phases", then had a midlife crisis but died before she could go out and buy anything ridiculous.
Fallen: Like buying her way out of the story?
"Alright Pinkie," she sped up her drum beat in preparation, "prepare to get your face melted."
Pinkie: Actually, I think I like my face the way it is.
"So Pinkie wanna thinkie she some kinda superstar
But Pinkamena's got the science here to tell you what you are
Fallen: Thank god, because no one else seems to.
Don't try to run don't try to hide bitch cuz you won't get very far
My rhymes are sharper than my cleaver and doper than black tar
Pinkie: What does tar have to do with dope?
See Pink you operate upon a massive misconception
You may have been here first but shit kicked off with my inception
Fallen: WE NEED TO RAP DEEPER.
Cupcakes rocked the world when they saw my predilection
for violence blood and gore and the sweet art of dissection
Fallen: That’s because the idea of making the characters do something fucked up to each other was NEW at the time. Now it’s just...
Pinkie: Bluh?
Fallen: Bluh.
See it's the fans that matter fool and among them I'm a rave
I can stave the grave shit you throw at me because I'm the real fave
Fallen: Ha. Just... HA.
I paved the way to the dark cave from which came the grimdark wave
So now it's time to whip your ass like you were my little slave
Pinkie: OOH! I should make you riff that too!
Fallen: UGH.
Compared to me your stupid parties are nothing but frivolity
I've got substance, style, eloquence; It's not quantity it's quality
Fallen: Even though this one’s actually longer than Pinkie’s first rap.
Pinkie: First?
Fallen: You get another one after this.
And your type's a dime a dozen cousin that's just the reality
So back it up and shut it down you can't say shit at all to me
Fallen: (clears throat) “Shit at all.” The defense rests.
First off that poufy hair is the definition of ridiculous
My mane's the main attraction don't deny that I look sick with this
Pinkie: Actually, I don’t mind having the straight mane! It’s just that it won’t STAY straight.
Your cooking's not even worth my time so I'ma be quick with this
Your cupcakes suck mine are sick as fuck, so well known that they're ubiquitous
Second thing your rhymes are weak as hell I didn't even flinch
Fallen: Lost the hell out of Mortal Kombat, though.
I can drop loquacious flows even when I'm in a pinch
I'm so evil on the beat I'll ruin your christmas like the grinch
I own the flow, you little ho,
Pinkie: I don’t see your name on it!
for PDP this shit's a cinch
For third it just occurred to me your attitude's obnoxious
'Party party all the time' man thats absolutely noxious
Fallen: You’re not kidding. How did Eddie Murphy even think a singing career was a good idea?
I revoke your party license so your ass better be cautious
You're so fucking over-hyped it makes me positively nauseous
Fallen: “Nauseous” was reading “A Fun Day.” Pinkie’s fine as is.
Pinkie: Aww, thank you!
So Pinky P.
you should give me
this one for free
Pinkie: Sorry, no discounts for murderer cannibals!
cuz I'm beatin' you, you cretin, that's how it's always gonna be
like Bruce Lee
I smack you down then collect my fee
crush you like a falling tree
Pinkie: But you don’t crush falling trees!
Fallen: I’m not sure that’s what he meant.
that you didn't see G
ignoring any plea
to stop boiling you like tea
Pinkie: That’s not very nice! If somepony asks you to stop, you should stop!
Fallen: Pinkie, it’s your alternate counterpart who chops ponies up and bakes them. “Nice” isn’t in her vocabulary.
So Pinkie Pie its time to die I'm shutting down your party
You're Like Twi: too late, your sad ass is already fuckin' tardy
Fallen: Good job, Pinkamena, Twi’s having another meltdown. I hope you’re happy.
You're a punk, a goof, a jest, a fool, a joke, a Laurel and fuckin' Hardy
Gonna chop you up and bake you into cupcakes oh so hearty
Fallen: Considering where Pinkamena seems to be from, I’m calling that an organ pun.
Any fame, acclaim, big name you got is not in the least deserved
My popularity keeps growing like an exponential curve
Pinkie: I didn’t think people still cared enough about “Cupcakes,” though!
I got more swag, I got more fans, I got a tighter swerve
Gonna make a Pinkie Pie of you, with ice cream you'll be served.
Fallen: I just realized something.
Pinkie: What?
Fallen: There was a quotation mark at the start of this.
Pinkie: So?
Fallen: There’s none at the end. Or anywhere else in here.
Pinkamena's drums reverberated throughout the room, the sound of the last crash slowly fading away as Pinkie Pie lay floored on the floor. Pinkamena hadn't even booken a sweat.
Fallen: I don’t think you’ve ever booken anything in your life.
Pinkie was shivering, every pore on her skin leaking. She'd been slammed. She'd been served. She was wet. In a bad way.
Pinkie: Uh...
Gilda: One more to go.
Fallen: Oh, COME ON!
Pinkified!
Fallen: Oh shit, you’re gonna assimilate everyone.
“How could I lose,” Pinkie Pie mumbled to herself as she lay on the ground in an almost catatonic state. She'd been served so hard she was dying. “It doesn’t make sense…”
Pinkie: What makes even LESS sense is me dying from words!
Doesn’t make sense?
Doesn’t make sense…
Fallen: Doesn’t make sense?
Pinkie: Doesn’t make sense!
“It doesn’t have to make any sense at all!” the pink pony shouted in sudden joy, springing up from her prone position with new vigor.
Fallen: How?
Pinkie: Jumping’s really easy! All you have to do is-
Fallen: No. I mean... how is THIS... an epiphany for YOU?
“What are you talking about?” Pinkamena asked suspiciously.
“Fluttershy!” Pinkie called. Suddenly she felt nauseous and vomited up a yellow whiffle ball bat which lackadaisically grew to become the yellow pegasus.
Pinkie: Ew! This is why I never wanted to be a parasprite!
Fluttershy blinked a few times before she realized that she existed again and what she was supposed to do. Then she began boxing an even fatter beat than before.
Pinkie: Come on! It’s dieting and working out! There’s only so much a beat can do to get in shape!
“What is this nonsense?!” Pinkamena demanded.
“Exactly,” Pinkie laughed.
Fallen: ...not gonna follow that up?
“Shut the fuck up cuz I got a rubber chicken
Double barrel buckshot in a fat spastic innertube
Pinkie: Shotguns and rubber chickens?
Fallen: That... might be the most awesome thing ever.
I do my taxes with paint and my artwork with Quicken
I’ma fuck this track’s ass so I hope you have lube
Fallen: She doesn’t have a dick. Unless she spawns a strapon out of nowhere, the worst she can do is dry-hump it.
Making sense is for pussies and I ain’t no puddy-tat
Fallen: Okay, that line was a little clever.
I shaved my face with some cocaine mace in the dark
I got a mouth like a cannon so I don’t need a gat
You better watch your shit cuz your bite ain’t your bark
Pinkie: Who even said it was?
Crunk hobgoblins in a laconic dream firestorm
Cut off my left leg with a funky jigsaw puzzle
Bon-bon’d on your face with a human-ass Lyra-form
Callin’ on my crookshank to punch you in the muzzle
Pinkie: What even WAS any of that?
I got tattooed in a drive-by with a shifty space needle
I left my balls in a taxicab and now it’s drivin’ me nuts
Fallen: Alright, I have to give it that too.
Weedle weedle weedle TV show reference weedle weedle
Pinkie: That sounds fun to say! Weedle weedle weed-
Fallen: Stop.
Pinkie: Please?
Fallen: No. I like Caterpie better anyway.
You’ll never find my jive cuz it’s chillin in the cuts
I get wet every morning cuz I got a busted waterbed
Banhammer crackin’ with a goat cheese clown car
Fallen: That sentence is full of the purest, untampered fuck ore.
I’ma kick your Harry ass cuz you nothin’ but a Potterhead
I shoot up black, white, red, and sometimes even brown tar
Pinkie: No, seriously, how does tar make sense here?
Fallen: How are YOU the one who gets lost by drug references?
Pinkie: What are you implying?
Fallen: ...are we playing Questions Only right now?
Pinkie: Do you want to be?
Beans on toast cuz I’m down with the British food
I’m the real pink you ain’t nothing but magenta fool
Pinkie: She’s still me, though, so she’s still pink!
What’s with the wide eyes you look a little skittish dude
I’ve got a hotel coupon so I’ma go rent a pool
Fallen: As is the logical progression of things.
Mumble fumble rumble stumble at a cash-cow toll booth
Gimme back my stiff drink with a double Limp Bizkit
Fallen: And your street cred takes a hard nosedive.
Pinkie P. bust up your chops and I’m pullin’ out a troll tooth
I got nothing left to lose so I might as well risk it
Pinkie: My friends are still right there, aren’t they? That counts as something left to lose!
I don’t believe in ghosts cuz most of them are me
Slap the money in the bucket with a dope tire iron
You’re way too Fluttershy
Fallen: Which, in this case, means she’s too prone to mooning the laws of reality, throwing puppies at them, and absconding on a stolen bulldozer.
Pinkie: ...WHAT!?
Fallen: True story. Sadly.
so you might as well squee
My lyrics are insane like poetry by Lord Byron
Fallen: Or like lyrics by DontWannaKnow.
Pinkie: You’re just saying it’s as weird as itself!
Fallen: THANK YOU, Pinkie.
Forcing cotton candy all the way inside your nose
I see your ‘Cupcakes’ and I raise you ‘A Fun Day’
Fallen: Okay, yeah. “A Fun Day” was worse.
You better beat it Pinkamena cuz you’re creepin out my bros
Pinkie: If “A Fun Day” happened in this, how could they get creeped out by the me from “Cupcakes?”
There’s no more mayonnaise so here’s a bad segue
Fallen: Well, you’re not wrong.
Pinkamena you’re a liverwurst I don’t need to qualify it
Pinkamena can’t rap she got nothin’ so the heck wit ‘er
Pinkie: I almost DIED from Pinkamena’s rap, though! Why am I saying-
Fallen: Because what boast rap would say “Yo, you’re good and all, but...”
You got boogled on my crazy I take your ass and nullify it
I don’t have to make sense bitch talk about a non-sequitur!
Pinkie: ...
Fallen: I’ll give DWK this much: he has a good sense of flow.
Pinkamena Diane Pie’s head exploded violently, covering her counterpart in a fresh coating of blood. Her body hit the floor like a sack of wombats.
Fallen: And that’s basically all the closure we get. Fuck Fluttershy’s reality bending, fuck Rainbow Dash’s missing wing, no one cares about those!
Pinkie: Actually, you’re not wrong there!
Pinkie was wet.
Fin.
Fallen: ...we just riffed Epic Rap Battles of History.
Pinkie: I can’t even.
Fallen: Well... at least it’s over.
Pinkie: I literally can’t even.
Fallen: You could comprehend 29P just fine, but THIS is too off-the-wall for you?
Pinkie: At least 29P MADE SENSE!
Fallen: ...no. No it didn’t. How can you even say it did?
Dash: (from TV) Well. We definitely broke her.
Gilda: (from TV) We didn’t break her ENOUGH. All we did was destroy her with nonsense.
Pinkie: I’m getting better!
Gilda: And that’s the OTHER issue. She’s shrugging it off, Dash.
Dash: I noticed. This last story had better work as well as you think.
Gilda: Oh, I don’t doubt that.
Fallen: I’ve seen some serious shit. Pinkie saw some of it with me. You’ll have to bring your A-game for this, since this really hasn’t looked like your A-game so far.
Gilda: Oh, I’m bringin’ my TRIPLE-A-game now.
Dash: ...“triple-A-game?” And you’re worried about ME sounding lame?
Pinkie: I hope you do, Gilda, because all I really did was not get this story. I don’t even know if I DISLIKED it!
Gilda: You’re gonna HATE this last story, Pinkie. And I mean HATE it.
Pinkie: ...you didn’t.
Gilda: Yep. The one that you marked as “super-duper-quadruple-blacklisted.”
Pinkie: Gilda, please, anything but that!
Fallen: What’s got you so worked up that- oh. Fuck.
Gilda: Oh yeah. “Pinkie Pie Molests even more fillies!”
Dash: WHAT!? Gilda, what the hay!?
Pinkie: Please, no! I’ve learned my lesson, I’ll never hurt anypony like that again, just DON’T MAKE ME READ MORE OF THAT!
Dash: Gilda, there’s a REASON that one was so heavily blacklisted! The story that author wrote before it completely SHATTERED her! Just LOOK at her!
(Pinkie clings to Fallen, her mane deflating.)
Gilda: That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? You’re not gonna flip-flop on me AGAIN, are you?
Fallen: I have to side with Gilda. As much as it’s gonna hurt me... we did say we’d break her like she broke Derpy. This is exactly what I had in mind, mrhappyface or no.
Dash: Fallen, didn’t you flip out at Blueblood for doing what we’re about to do to her?
Fallen: He had no reason to be cruel to her. We’re actually punishing her for something she did to us.
Dash: ...fine. I still think this is going too far, though.
Pinkamena Diane Pie: I promise you, Gilda, I will END YOU!
Gilda: Good luck with that.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkamena: We’ve got story sign!
Fallen: You could comprehend 29P just fine, but THIS is too off-the-wall for you?
Pinkie: At least 29P MADE SENSE!
Fallen: ...no. No it didn’t. How can you even say it did?
Dash: (from TV) Well. We definitely broke her.
Gilda: (from TV) We didn’t break her ENOUGH. All we did was destroy her with nonsense.
Pinkie: I’m getting better!
Gilda: And that’s the OTHER issue. She’s shrugging it off, Dash.
Dash: I noticed. This last story had better work as well as you think.
Gilda: Oh, I don’t doubt that.
Fallen: I’ve seen some serious shit. Pinkie saw some of it with me. You’ll have to bring your A-game for this, since this really hasn’t looked like your A-game so far.
Gilda: Oh, I’m bringin’ my TRIPLE-A-game now.
Dash: ...“triple-A-game?” And you’re worried about ME sounding lame?
Pinkie: I hope you do, Gilda, because all I really did was not get this story. I don’t even know if I DISLIKED it!
Gilda: You’re gonna HATE this last story, Pinkie. And I mean HATE it.
Pinkie: ...you didn’t.
Gilda: Yep. The one that you marked as “super-duper-quadruple-blacklisted.”
Pinkie: Gilda, please, anything but that!
Fallen: What’s got you so worked up that- oh. Fuck.
Gilda: Oh yeah. “Pinkie Pie Molests even more fillies!”
Dash: WHAT!? Gilda, what the hay!?
Pinkie: Please, no! I’ve learned my lesson, I’ll never hurt anypony like that again, just DON’T MAKE ME READ MORE OF THAT!
Dash: Gilda, there’s a REASON that one was so heavily blacklisted! The story that author wrote before it completely SHATTERED her! Just LOOK at her!
(Pinkie clings to Fallen, her mane deflating.)
Gilda: That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? You’re not gonna flip-flop on me AGAIN, are you?
Fallen: I have to side with Gilda. As much as it’s gonna hurt me... we did say we’d break her like she broke Derpy. This is exactly what I had in mind, mrhappyface or no.
Dash: Fallen, didn’t you flip out at Blueblood for doing what we’re about to do to her?
Fallen: He had no reason to be cruel to her. We’re actually punishing her for something she did to us.
Dash: ...fine. I still think this is going too far, though.
Pinkamena Diane Pie: I promise you, Gilda, I will END YOU!
Gilda: Good luck with that.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen and Pinkamena: We’ve got story sign!
NOTE: This is not a sequel to Pinkie Pie the Filly Molester. It is a totally other story and will include Pumpkin and Pound in later chapters.
Pinkamena: Can’t write much now that you’re BLOCKED, now can you?
Dinky Hooves was frolicking around Mane Street in Ponyville when she heard a familiar voice call her name.
Fallen: “Dinky, where’s your mom? I need her to help me with this black hole gun!”
Pinkamena: ...was that supposed to be twow?
Fallen: Is that a problem?
She turned around and saw Pinkie Pie standing in the doorway to Sugarcube corner yelling "Dinky! I need some help baking! Do you want to help me?" Dinky loved Pinkie's treats so she hopped right on in.
Pinkamena: It hasn’t even started yet and I’m already disgusted.
She turned around and said "What do we need to do first Pinkie?" but Pinkie did not even say a word, but rather slammed the door shut, locked it, and pounced on Dinky.
Fallen: Dammit, Tigger, haven’t you learned not to do that yet?
Dinky yelled "Pinkie what’s going on?" but Pinkie didn't say a word. Pinkie pulled a leather belt out from underneath of the carpet and used it to restrain Dinky.
Fallen: Just the one belt? How are you restraining her?
Pinkamena: WHY am I restraining her!?
Pinkie just yelled Play Time!" and locked lips with Dinky in a deep passionate kiss. Dinky was revolted as the party pony explored her mouth. She didn't even like boys yet, let alone mares.
Fallen: She was still at the age when cooties claimed the most lives.
But it didn't matter to Pinkie all she cared about was satisfying her dark hunger. Pinkie pressed her tongue down on Dinky's trying to get a good taste of the filly’s tongue and then pulled away, and began planting kisses on her neck, working her way down.
Fallen: It's like limbo. How low can you- (smacked by Pinkamena)
Dinky realized what Pinkie's next target was and said "Pinkie! No! I want to be a good, clean filly! Please don't take my virginity!"
Pinkamena: How does she even know what virginity MEANS!?
Fallen: I think she’s at the age where she’s learning that shit by now. In the story, though, she sounds younger.
but Pinkie didn't say a word, she just kept kissing her way down until she reached Dinky's virgin pussy.
Fallen: Didn’t you already establish that she was a virgin?
Dinky squealed as her assailant’s tongue pressed onto her young clit, the feeling of forced pleasure was too much for the young pony to bear and she began crying. But it didn't stop Pinkie! She just kept on rubbing her tongue around the Filly's pussy until she suddenly, plunged it in.
Pinkamena: I have absolutely nothing I can say right now. I’m too mad at the story.
Dinky screamed in horror as the tongue was forced into her snatch, but the screaming gave way to crying when Dinky realized her virginity was gone; she thought it made her a bad pony.
Fallen: If your virginity was taken through rape, that doesn’t make you bad. It depends on how you cope with it; there IS a wrong way to do that. Now, PINKIE, on the other hand...
Pinkie kept on fucking Dinky with her tongue, savoring the taste of the filly’s warm, sweet, juices.
Fallen: It’s okay, Pinkie. Just think of juice pouches fillies would put in their lunchboxes.
Pinkamena: You’re not helping.
Fallen: I’m trying!
Pinkie soon became bored with this however, so she pulled out and walked over to her cabinet. Just when Dinky thought it was all over Pinkie brought over a tool box and from it, she brought a pair pliers.
Fallen: All-new Pair Pliers! Now get two for the price of three!
She then brought the pliers up to Dinky's clit; Dinky was shouting "No please! Anything but that!" but Pinkie paid no attention, and just grabbed the poor filly's cunt with her pliers.
Pinkamena: (cringes)
Fallen: I can’t imagine the male equivalent would feel any better.
Dinky wailed in agony as Pinkie twisted and pulled at her young cunt the whole time Pinkie giggling like a maniac.
"Why! Pinkie! Why why why why!"
Pinkamena: You know what? Yeah! WHY!?
Dinky sobbed she had no idea why one of the nicest ponies of all time was torturing her in such a horrific way. After an hour of this horseplay
Pinkamena: AN HOUR!?
Pinkie put the pliers back in the box and pulled out a set of sewing pins. Dinky watched in horror as Pinkie lined the sharp pins up around the outside of her vagina and started inserting them into the filly's snatch and ass.
Fallen: I don’t care WHO you are, that’s PAINFUL.
She then took some of the pins and began to moan seductively as she stabbed them into her own vagina, savoring the feeling of the sharp, pointed needles forcing their way into her cunt.
Fallen: ...still.
Pinkamena: I- this is- GAH!
After the needles were successfully inserted Pinkie shoved her ass into the filly's face and yelled "Lick it bitch! Lick it you whore!"
Fallen: Please don’t make me imagine Dinky charging for sex.
and Dinky was to terrified to resist. She began to lick Pinkie's ass hole and even plunge her tongue into her rectum, but then she felt an intense pain flare up in her genitals as Pinkie began to lick the blood that was oozing from her snatch.
Pinkamena: Do NOT make a vampire joke!
Dinky just kept on eating Pinkie's poop chute, afraid of what would happen if she stopped.
Then suddenly Dinky felt something coming out of Pinkie's ass and realized it was shit.
Fallen: Because what else would come out of there?
Pinkamena: If I’m willing to stick NEEDLES inside me, there are probably a lot of answers.
She flailed and screamed in horror, trying desperately to get the pink mare off of her, but Pinkie was just too strong, and she just forced her anus down on the filly some more. Dinky cringed at the taste as Pinkie's green, sloppy, rancid, chunky shit
Fallen: Good god, what did you EAT?
Pinkamena: Probably fetuses and orphaned puppies.
Fallen: That’s... pretty dark for you.
Pinkamena: I’M IN A DARK PLACE RIGHT NOW.
made first contact with her tongue. Dinky tried to force it out, but had no choice but to swallow. It was the single worst thing she had ever tasted,
Fallen: Unless you count the-
Pinkamena: Don’t even start.
her face literally turned bright green from it, but Pinkie just kept it coming. When Dinky was about to pass out Pinkie finally let off, and started pissing all over Dinky's face, aiming particularly at Dinky's eyes, mouth, and nose.
Fallen: Piss in the face always wakes you right up.
Pinkamena: FALLEN!
Fallen: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten you to scream my name when you’re like this.
Dinky closed her eyes tight, hoping to keep it out, but it found a way in nonetheless. It burned, that all she could feel was the burning sensation throughout her face, that and the smell and acidic taste upon her tongue.
Pinkamena: I’m seriously gonna be sick.
Fallen: You know where the barf bucket is if you need it.
After the stream of urine stopped coming out of Pinkie's vagina, she pranced happily over to the tool box, and pulled out a knife.
Fallen: Only good can come of this.
Only this wasn't a normal knife, this knife, instead of having a normal handle it had a dildo in its place, and the blade was incredibly rusty, yet, somehow sharp.
Pinkamena: Fallen, if you know what’s good for you, you’re going to get rid of every rusty blade you’ve ever owned.
Pinkie rammed the knife's dildo grip into her own pussy and rammed the rusty blade into Dinky's. Dinky lost all hope, broke down, and started bawling lick a little baby.
Pinkamena: Oh, she’d better NOT lick a baby!
Fallen: That’s probably where this was gonna go eventually if our friend here didn’t get his ass banned. The author’s note even states that. Of course, this wasn’t the ONLY story he left marked unfinished, so...
Pinkie loved the way the dildo felt, rubbing against her vaginal walls, its ridged design sent shockwaves of pleasure into her aching pussy, but still, she needed more. She started getting faster and faster until she remembered the knife on the other end.
Fallen: Because fucking a knife is something that’s just SO easy to have slip your mind.
She looked down and saw that she and Dinky were in a large pull of blood, she also noticed that Dinky's pussy now looked like mince meat, and that Dinky was sobbing so hard her eyes were red.
Pinkamena: Oh, gee, I WONDER WHY!
Pinkie just shrugged and continued fucking away, adding more pain to the helpless filly, and more blood to the pile. Pinkie started gasping faster and faster as she neared orgasm,
Pinkamena: Good! I hope the hyperventilation KILLS YOU!
and then, she came so hard that she started thrusting with such force that she heard a crack coming from Dinky's pelvis.
Fallen: That’s... at least seventeen kinds of brutal.
Pinkie looked down and noticed that Dinky had shit herself, which delighted Pinkie to no end. She started to lap up the Shit / urine / blood mix slowly, while she savored the taste,
Pinkamena: (vomits)
Fallen: I’m sure she’ll want to eat that too.
Pinkamena: (vomits harder)
but her ravenous hunger got the best of her and found herself rolling around in it, gulping it down by the mouth full.
Fallen: I’m tempted to say “waste not, want not,” but in this case it’d just be a tasteless pun.
After she had finished off the fecal matter, she got to work sewing Dinky's broken pussy shut.
Pinkamena: How’s that gonna help the fact that you TORE IT APART FROM INSIDE TOO!?
Dinky squirmed in terror afraid of what was to come next, but only felt a minor stabbing feeling in her pussy. She looked down and saw that Pinkie had sewn her eviscerated pussy shut, and then was startled as Pinkie jumped up into Dinky's face and screamed
Fallen: “YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!”
"WHENEVER SOMEPONY ASKS WHAT HAPPEND YOU BETTER FUCKING SAY A LARGE ZEBERA IN A BLACK SKE MASK DID IT! IF YOU EVER SAY A WORD ABOUT ME DOING IT I WILL FUCKIN KILL YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS, AND EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR. DO YOU GOT IT YOU LITTLE BITCH?"
Pinkamena: Write that down. I want to say this to the author when I find him.
Dinky just started crying and nodded her head, Pinkie just said "I thought so you little cunt." angrily and gave Dinky a kick to the ribs, causing her to hear another crack.
Pinkamena: Actually, no, it needs to be WORSE. Write it down and ADD TO IT.
Pinkie got herself cleaned up; called Depry and put on her very best scared voice and said "Oh my god Derpy! Your daughter! You need to come quick! She's bleeding so badly!"
Fallen: ...there’s no way in hell she’s gonna have a good enough cover story to pull that off.
2 Hours Later
Pinkamena: Oh, we’re done with the rape and torture of a defenseless filly! NEXT!!!
Derpy paced back and forth in the hospital’s waiting room. She was freaking out over her little muffin's critical condition. Then suddenly the operating room door opened and out came a doctor. Derpy smiled and said "Well' did she...did she make it?" The doctor only shook his head no.
Pinkamena: ...
Fallen: I’m at a complete loss. I literally can’t make this funny. I’d feel awful for even trying.
4 Days Later
Pinkie opened up the newspaper to read Mare found dead, Blonde mane, Grey coat, Cutie mark in the shape of bubbles, multiple cuts to the wrists and neck areas, believed to be self inflicted.
Pinkamena: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!
Fallen: THERE it is.
Pinkie just chuckled and said under breath "Another job well done!"
Pinkamena: I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, GILDA!
Fallen: Cut it, cut it, CUT IT!
Pinkamena: Can’t write much now that you’re BLOCKED, now can you?
Dinky Hooves was frolicking around Mane Street in Ponyville when she heard a familiar voice call her name.
Fallen: “Dinky, where’s your mom? I need her to help me with this black hole gun!”
Pinkamena: ...was that supposed to be twow?
Fallen: Is that a problem?
She turned around and saw Pinkie Pie standing in the doorway to Sugarcube corner yelling "Dinky! I need some help baking! Do you want to help me?" Dinky loved Pinkie's treats so she hopped right on in.
Pinkamena: It hasn’t even started yet and I’m already disgusted.
She turned around and said "What do we need to do first Pinkie?" but Pinkie did not even say a word, but rather slammed the door shut, locked it, and pounced on Dinky.
Fallen: Dammit, Tigger, haven’t you learned not to do that yet?
Dinky yelled "Pinkie what’s going on?" but Pinkie didn't say a word. Pinkie pulled a leather belt out from underneath of the carpet and used it to restrain Dinky.
Fallen: Just the one belt? How are you restraining her?
Pinkamena: WHY am I restraining her!?
Pinkie just yelled Play Time!" and locked lips with Dinky in a deep passionate kiss. Dinky was revolted as the party pony explored her mouth. She didn't even like boys yet, let alone mares.
Fallen: She was still at the age when cooties claimed the most lives.
But it didn't matter to Pinkie all she cared about was satisfying her dark hunger. Pinkie pressed her tongue down on Dinky's trying to get a good taste of the filly’s tongue and then pulled away, and began planting kisses on her neck, working her way down.
Fallen: It's like limbo. How low can you- (smacked by Pinkamena)
Dinky realized what Pinkie's next target was and said "Pinkie! No! I want to be a good, clean filly! Please don't take my virginity!"
Pinkamena: How does she even know what virginity MEANS!?
Fallen: I think she’s at the age where she’s learning that shit by now. In the story, though, she sounds younger.
but Pinkie didn't say a word, she just kept kissing her way down until she reached Dinky's virgin pussy.
Fallen: Didn’t you already establish that she was a virgin?
Dinky squealed as her assailant’s tongue pressed onto her young clit, the feeling of forced pleasure was too much for the young pony to bear and she began crying. But it didn't stop Pinkie! She just kept on rubbing her tongue around the Filly's pussy until she suddenly, plunged it in.
Pinkamena: I have absolutely nothing I can say right now. I’m too mad at the story.
Dinky screamed in horror as the tongue was forced into her snatch, but the screaming gave way to crying when Dinky realized her virginity was gone; she thought it made her a bad pony.
Fallen: If your virginity was taken through rape, that doesn’t make you bad. It depends on how you cope with it; there IS a wrong way to do that. Now, PINKIE, on the other hand...
Pinkie kept on fucking Dinky with her tongue, savoring the taste of the filly’s warm, sweet, juices.
Fallen: It’s okay, Pinkie. Just think of juice pouches fillies would put in their lunchboxes.
Pinkamena: You’re not helping.
Fallen: I’m trying!
Pinkie soon became bored with this however, so she pulled out and walked over to her cabinet. Just when Dinky thought it was all over Pinkie brought over a tool box and from it, she brought a pair pliers.
Fallen: All-new Pair Pliers! Now get two for the price of three!
She then brought the pliers up to Dinky's clit; Dinky was shouting "No please! Anything but that!" but Pinkie paid no attention, and just grabbed the poor filly's cunt with her pliers.
Pinkamena: (cringes)
Fallen: I can’t imagine the male equivalent would feel any better.
Dinky wailed in agony as Pinkie twisted and pulled at her young cunt the whole time Pinkie giggling like a maniac.
"Why! Pinkie! Why why why why!"
Pinkamena: You know what? Yeah! WHY!?
Dinky sobbed she had no idea why one of the nicest ponies of all time was torturing her in such a horrific way. After an hour of this horseplay
Pinkamena: AN HOUR!?
Pinkie put the pliers back in the box and pulled out a set of sewing pins. Dinky watched in horror as Pinkie lined the sharp pins up around the outside of her vagina and started inserting them into the filly's snatch and ass.
Fallen: I don’t care WHO you are, that’s PAINFUL.
She then took some of the pins and began to moan seductively as she stabbed them into her own vagina, savoring the feeling of the sharp, pointed needles forcing their way into her cunt.
Fallen: ...still.
Pinkamena: I- this is- GAH!
After the needles were successfully inserted Pinkie shoved her ass into the filly's face and yelled "Lick it bitch! Lick it you whore!"
Fallen: Please don’t make me imagine Dinky charging for sex.
and Dinky was to terrified to resist. She began to lick Pinkie's ass hole and even plunge her tongue into her rectum, but then she felt an intense pain flare up in her genitals as Pinkie began to lick the blood that was oozing from her snatch.
Pinkamena: Do NOT make a vampire joke!
Dinky just kept on eating Pinkie's poop chute, afraid of what would happen if she stopped.
Then suddenly Dinky felt something coming out of Pinkie's ass and realized it was shit.
Fallen: Because what else would come out of there?
Pinkamena: If I’m willing to stick NEEDLES inside me, there are probably a lot of answers.
She flailed and screamed in horror, trying desperately to get the pink mare off of her, but Pinkie was just too strong, and she just forced her anus down on the filly some more. Dinky cringed at the taste as Pinkie's green, sloppy, rancid, chunky shit
Fallen: Good god, what did you EAT?
Pinkamena: Probably fetuses and orphaned puppies.
Fallen: That’s... pretty dark for you.
Pinkamena: I’M IN A DARK PLACE RIGHT NOW.
made first contact with her tongue. Dinky tried to force it out, but had no choice but to swallow. It was the single worst thing she had ever tasted,
Fallen: Unless you count the-
Pinkamena: Don’t even start.
her face literally turned bright green from it, but Pinkie just kept it coming. When Dinky was about to pass out Pinkie finally let off, and started pissing all over Dinky's face, aiming particularly at Dinky's eyes, mouth, and nose.
Fallen: Piss in the face always wakes you right up.
Pinkamena: FALLEN!
Fallen: Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten you to scream my name when you’re like this.
Dinky closed her eyes tight, hoping to keep it out, but it found a way in nonetheless. It burned, that all she could feel was the burning sensation throughout her face, that and the smell and acidic taste upon her tongue.
Pinkamena: I’m seriously gonna be sick.
Fallen: You know where the barf bucket is if you need it.
After the stream of urine stopped coming out of Pinkie's vagina, she pranced happily over to the tool box, and pulled out a knife.
Fallen: Only good can come of this.
Only this wasn't a normal knife, this knife, instead of having a normal handle it had a dildo in its place, and the blade was incredibly rusty, yet, somehow sharp.
Pinkamena: Fallen, if you know what’s good for you, you’re going to get rid of every rusty blade you’ve ever owned.
Pinkie rammed the knife's dildo grip into her own pussy and rammed the rusty blade into Dinky's. Dinky lost all hope, broke down, and started bawling lick a little baby.
Pinkamena: Oh, she’d better NOT lick a baby!
Fallen: That’s probably where this was gonna go eventually if our friend here didn’t get his ass banned. The author’s note even states that. Of course, this wasn’t the ONLY story he left marked unfinished, so...
Pinkie loved the way the dildo felt, rubbing against her vaginal walls, its ridged design sent shockwaves of pleasure into her aching pussy, but still, she needed more. She started getting faster and faster until she remembered the knife on the other end.
Fallen: Because fucking a knife is something that’s just SO easy to have slip your mind.
She looked down and saw that she and Dinky were in a large pull of blood, she also noticed that Dinky's pussy now looked like mince meat, and that Dinky was sobbing so hard her eyes were red.
Pinkamena: Oh, gee, I WONDER WHY!
Pinkie just shrugged and continued fucking away, adding more pain to the helpless filly, and more blood to the pile. Pinkie started gasping faster and faster as she neared orgasm,
Pinkamena: Good! I hope the hyperventilation KILLS YOU!
and then, she came so hard that she started thrusting with such force that she heard a crack coming from Dinky's pelvis.
Fallen: That’s... at least seventeen kinds of brutal.
Pinkie looked down and noticed that Dinky had shit herself, which delighted Pinkie to no end. She started to lap up the Shit / urine / blood mix slowly, while she savored the taste,
Pinkamena: (vomits)
Fallen: I’m sure she’ll want to eat that too.
Pinkamena: (vomits harder)
but her ravenous hunger got the best of her and found herself rolling around in it, gulping it down by the mouth full.
Fallen: I’m tempted to say “waste not, want not,” but in this case it’d just be a tasteless pun.
After she had finished off the fecal matter, she got to work sewing Dinky's broken pussy shut.
Pinkamena: How’s that gonna help the fact that you TORE IT APART FROM INSIDE TOO!?
Dinky squirmed in terror afraid of what was to come next, but only felt a minor stabbing feeling in her pussy. She looked down and saw that Pinkie had sewn her eviscerated pussy shut, and then was startled as Pinkie jumped up into Dinky's face and screamed
Fallen: “YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!”
"WHENEVER SOMEPONY ASKS WHAT HAPPEND YOU BETTER FUCKING SAY A LARGE ZEBERA IN A BLACK SKE MASK DID IT! IF YOU EVER SAY A WORD ABOUT ME DOING IT I WILL FUCKIN KILL YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS, AND EVERYTHING YOU HOLD DEAR. DO YOU GOT IT YOU LITTLE BITCH?"
Pinkamena: Write that down. I want to say this to the author when I find him.
Dinky just started crying and nodded her head, Pinkie just said "I thought so you little cunt." angrily and gave Dinky a kick to the ribs, causing her to hear another crack.
Pinkamena: Actually, no, it needs to be WORSE. Write it down and ADD TO IT.
Pinkie got herself cleaned up; called Depry and put on her very best scared voice and said "Oh my god Derpy! Your daughter! You need to come quick! She's bleeding so badly!"
Fallen: ...there’s no way in hell she’s gonna have a good enough cover story to pull that off.
2 Hours Later
Pinkamena: Oh, we’re done with the rape and torture of a defenseless filly! NEXT!!!
Derpy paced back and forth in the hospital’s waiting room. She was freaking out over her little muffin's critical condition. Then suddenly the operating room door opened and out came a doctor. Derpy smiled and said "Well' did she...did she make it?" The doctor only shook his head no.
Pinkamena: ...
Fallen: I’m at a complete loss. I literally can’t make this funny. I’d feel awful for even trying.
4 Days Later
Pinkie opened up the newspaper to read Mare found dead, Blonde mane, Grey coat, Cutie mark in the shape of bubbles, multiple cuts to the wrists and neck areas, believed to be self inflicted.
Pinkamena: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!
Fallen: THERE it is.
Pinkie just chuckled and said under breath "Another job well done!"
Pinkamena: I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, GILDA!
Fallen: Cut it, cut it, CUT IT!
Dash: (from TV) Well, Gilda, I hope you’re happy.
Gilda: (from TV) You have no idea.
Fallen: (finishes tying Pinkamena to his chair) Thank god AJ gave me that rope. Never thought I’d have to use it.
Pinkamena: (struggling) I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!
Dash: Sweet princess, what’s gotten into her!?
Fallen: I think this has just been building up ever since the first mrhappyface story and getting worse every time a story made her snap. I already saw her last straw.
Gilda: Took her that long? That kind of stinks. This is awesome to watch!
Dash: ...
Pinkamena: When I get out of here, I’m gonna RIP YOUR BEAK OFF AND STAB YOU THROUGH THE EYES WITH IT!
Fallen: Calm down, Pinkie!
Pinkie: NOT UNTIL SHE’S LYING IN A POOL OF HER OWN BLOOD!
Gilda: (laughing) Oh, wow, this is just the best! I was wrong about her; she’s a RIOT!
Dash: ...
Fallen: Rainbow Dash doesn’t look too happy.
Gilda: She’ll get over it. You’ll get over it, right?
Dash: ...I thought you changed.
Gilda: Wait, what?
Dash: Do you have any idea how bad I felt about throwing that party and driving you out of town? You’re one of my oldest friends, and I HATED that I had to do that to you. In fact, when I watched you walk out that door, I thought you’d have the sense to turn back and apologize for how you were treating my friends!
Gilda: That’s what I did, though! That’s why I’m here! To say I was sorry!
Dash: THIS IS NOT WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE, GILDA!
Pinkamena: (stops struggling, starts crying)
Gilda: ...isn’t that what you wanted, though? You told me you wanted to screw with her mind, and that’s just what we did!
Fallen: I think this is one of those “careful what you wish for” situations. (hugs Pinkamena) Don’t worry, it’s all over...
Dash: This is NOT what I had in mind. I just wanted to break her, but you DESTROYED her.
Gilda: Still, though. You have to admit it’s funny, right?
Dash: There’s nothing funny about making the happiest mare I know scream DEATH THREATS! And the fact that you’re enjoying this tells me you’re not as sorry as you said you were. You didn’t learn ANYTHING the last time you were here.
Gilda: Dash, come on, can’t we just-
Dash: Get out.
Gilda: EXCUSE me?
Dash: Get. Out.
Gilda: ...no.
Dash: I’m not kidding, Gilda. GET OUT.
Gilda: I’m not going anywhere!
Dash: GET OUT!
Gilda: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
Dash: ...
Gilda: Good. Look, Dash, I know this looks really bad right now, but... I really am sorry.
Dash: Well, you have a weird way of showing it.
Gilda: Just listen. YOU don’t know what it did to ME to have to leave town because YOU kicked me out. Rainbow Dash, you weren’t just my OLDEST friend. You were... you were my ONLY friend.
Dash: Wait, seriously?
Gilda: You think I’M bad? Most griffons are WORSE. Friendship’s practically a foreign concept to them, and meeting you was probably the one thing keeping me from ending up like all the rest of them. It’s been killing me to not have you as part of my life.
Dash: Just as much as it was killing you for me to have other ponies as part of MY life?
Gilda: ...figured it out, huh? Yeah, I was jealous. It didn’t seem fair to me that you managed to make so many friends when I’ve been practically on my own since Junior Speedsters got out.
Dash: ...that would explain a few things.
Gilda: I can’t keep going like that, Rainbow Dash. I’m seriously trying to make everything up to you, and I thought doing this with you would help. I just... I guess I took it too far.
Pinkamena: You THINK!?
Dash: Well... if you really want to make it up to me, I think you know what you need to do.
Gilda: Ugh. Pinkie Pie, I’m... (sigh) I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry about being such a jealous jerk when we first met, and I’m sorry about all these stories I sent you today.
Pinkamena: Do you promise you won’t do it again? Do you PINKIE promise?
Gilda: I don’t know what that-
Dash: (whispering something into Gilda’s ear)
Gilda: ...you’re JOKING.
Dash: You have to do it.
Gilda: ...fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. There. Happy?
(Pinkie’s mane finally poofs back up, and she randomly pops out from her bonds.)
Pinkie: I am now! Oh, we’re gonna be SUCH awesome friends, Gilda!
Gilda: I’m not getting out of that, am I?
Dash: Nope. My friends are your friends, whether you like it or not.
Fallen: Oh my god. That’s, what, the third person to reform lately? Who’s next, Flim and Flam?
Gilda: Can it, monkey.
Fallen: Go drown in a box of crackers. So, Pinkie, did we learn our lesson today?
Pinkie: ...yeah, I think I did. I’ll try not to send stories like “Derpy’s Finest Hour” or “Momma Fluttershy” to you ever again. Pinkie promise.
Fallen: Awesome. Hopefully that doesn’t mean OTHER people will send that shit to me to pick up the slack.
Pinkie: Alright, we’re done here. Dashie?
Dash: Actually, let’s have Gilda push it this time.
Gilda: Oh, that button thing, right? Uh... which one?
Dash: The blue one.
Gilda: There are THIRTY blue ones.
Dash: The BIG blue one.
Gilda: ...narrowed it down to five.
Dash: ...the SMALLEST big blue one.
Gilda: Oh, I see it.
(Gilda pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Gilda: (from TV) You have no idea.
Fallen: (finishes tying Pinkamena to his chair) Thank god AJ gave me that rope. Never thought I’d have to use it.
Pinkamena: (struggling) I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU TO DEATH!
Dash: Sweet princess, what’s gotten into her!?
Fallen: I think this has just been building up ever since the first mrhappyface story and getting worse every time a story made her snap. I already saw her last straw.
Gilda: Took her that long? That kind of stinks. This is awesome to watch!
Dash: ...
Pinkamena: When I get out of here, I’m gonna RIP YOUR BEAK OFF AND STAB YOU THROUGH THE EYES WITH IT!
Fallen: Calm down, Pinkie!
Pinkie: NOT UNTIL SHE’S LYING IN A POOL OF HER OWN BLOOD!
Gilda: (laughing) Oh, wow, this is just the best! I was wrong about her; she’s a RIOT!
Dash: ...
Fallen: Rainbow Dash doesn’t look too happy.
Gilda: She’ll get over it. You’ll get over it, right?
Dash: ...I thought you changed.
Gilda: Wait, what?
Dash: Do you have any idea how bad I felt about throwing that party and driving you out of town? You’re one of my oldest friends, and I HATED that I had to do that to you. In fact, when I watched you walk out that door, I thought you’d have the sense to turn back and apologize for how you were treating my friends!
Gilda: That’s what I did, though! That’s why I’m here! To say I was sorry!
Dash: THIS IS NOT WHAT SORRY LOOKS LIKE, GILDA!
Pinkamena: (stops struggling, starts crying)
Gilda: ...isn’t that what you wanted, though? You told me you wanted to screw with her mind, and that’s just what we did!
Fallen: I think this is one of those “careful what you wish for” situations. (hugs Pinkamena) Don’t worry, it’s all over...
Dash: This is NOT what I had in mind. I just wanted to break her, but you DESTROYED her.
Gilda: Still, though. You have to admit it’s funny, right?
Dash: There’s nothing funny about making the happiest mare I know scream DEATH THREATS! And the fact that you’re enjoying this tells me you’re not as sorry as you said you were. You didn’t learn ANYTHING the last time you were here.
Gilda: Dash, come on, can’t we just-
Dash: Get out.
Gilda: EXCUSE me?
Dash: Get. Out.
Gilda: ...no.
Dash: I’m not kidding, Gilda. GET OUT.
Gilda: I’m not going anywhere!
Dash: GET OUT!
Gilda: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!
Dash: ...
Gilda: Good. Look, Dash, I know this looks really bad right now, but... I really am sorry.
Dash: Well, you have a weird way of showing it.
Gilda: Just listen. YOU don’t know what it did to ME to have to leave town because YOU kicked me out. Rainbow Dash, you weren’t just my OLDEST friend. You were... you were my ONLY friend.
Dash: Wait, seriously?
Gilda: You think I’M bad? Most griffons are WORSE. Friendship’s practically a foreign concept to them, and meeting you was probably the one thing keeping me from ending up like all the rest of them. It’s been killing me to not have you as part of my life.
Dash: Just as much as it was killing you for me to have other ponies as part of MY life?
Gilda: ...figured it out, huh? Yeah, I was jealous. It didn’t seem fair to me that you managed to make so many friends when I’ve been practically on my own since Junior Speedsters got out.
Dash: ...that would explain a few things.
Gilda: I can’t keep going like that, Rainbow Dash. I’m seriously trying to make everything up to you, and I thought doing this with you would help. I just... I guess I took it too far.
Pinkamena: You THINK!?
Dash: Well... if you really want to make it up to me, I think you know what you need to do.
Gilda: Ugh. Pinkie Pie, I’m... (sigh) I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry about being such a jealous jerk when we first met, and I’m sorry about all these stories I sent you today.
Pinkamena: Do you promise you won’t do it again? Do you PINKIE promise?
Gilda: I don’t know what that-
Dash: (whispering something into Gilda’s ear)
Gilda: ...you’re JOKING.
Dash: You have to do it.
Gilda: ...fine. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. There. Happy?
(Pinkie’s mane finally poofs back up, and she randomly pops out from her bonds.)
Pinkie: I am now! Oh, we’re gonna be SUCH awesome friends, Gilda!
Gilda: I’m not getting out of that, am I?
Dash: Nope. My friends are your friends, whether you like it or not.
Fallen: Oh my god. That’s, what, the third person to reform lately? Who’s next, Flim and Flam?
Gilda: Can it, monkey.
Fallen: Go drown in a box of crackers. So, Pinkie, did we learn our lesson today?
Pinkie: ...yeah, I think I did. I’ll try not to send stories like “Derpy’s Finest Hour” or “Momma Fluttershy” to you ever again. Pinkie promise.
Fallen: Awesome. Hopefully that doesn’t mean OTHER people will send that shit to me to pick up the slack.
Pinkie: Alright, we’re done here. Dashie?
Dash: Actually, let’s have Gilda push it this time.
Gilda: Oh, that button thing, right? Uh... which one?
Dash: The blue one.
Gilda: There are THIRTY blue ones.
Dash: The BIG blue one.
Gilda: ...narrowed it down to five.
Dash: ...the SMALLEST big blue one.
Gilda: Oh, I see it.
(Gilda pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...