FP Riffs 2: My Little PONEY: The parody from hell, Part 1
Hey, Fallen Prime again. My last riff was done while I was doing some proofreading for our lovely host RatherHomely, but this time I’m just doing one because I’m helping more people’s stories and the urge to write hasn’t left me at all. Plus... boredom and too much free time. So I was going through the Fan/fic/ Theater 3000 submissions to find a good one to riff, and... there are a LOT of options. But I went for a story that insists you not read it, describing itself as a “brain-melting, cancer-inducing, AIDS-promoting parody” of the FIM pilot. Yep, it’s “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell” by author I have a jar of dirt.
Fallen Prime: And of COURSE someone sends me a bazooka. What, I’m not allowed to like smaller weapons? I don’t even know where I’m supposed to put this thing...
Twilight Sparkle: Looks like you need some help organizing.
Fallen: That would be apprecia-GAH! How do you ponies keep finding me!?
Twilight: Your armory is next door to Author’s studio. It’s not that hard to find.
Fallen: That... explains more than a few things. Anyway, you offered to help rearrange my weapons?
Twilight: Not all of them, not now. But I can help you make room for that one.
Fallen: Good luck with that. Before you even start, the rocket launchers and sawblades are staying where they are.
Twilight: Why do you just have the blades, anyway? Why not the full saws? And why are most of them covered in rust?
Fallen: You’re here to fix my storage situation, not question my preference of sharp objects.
Twilight: Fine, whatever. Fluttershy, do you think you could lend me a hoof?
(A small squeak is heard from the doorway of the armory.)
Fallen: Oh COME ON! I really need to change the locks if everyone and their grandmother can get in here.
Fluttershy: Oh, I’m sorry, I just followed Twilight here...
Fallen: How did you get in here anyway, Twilight?
Twilight: I heard a voice cry out for structure and organization, so I picked the lock with my magic and burst in.
Fallen: Except if it were BURSTING in, I’d have noticed sooner.
Twilight: ...point.
Fallen: Wait. There are two of you in here.
Fluttershy: Is that a problem? I can leave if I’m bothering you.
Fallen: No, you’re fine. I’m just saying... isn’t that usually all Pinkie needs to-
(Right on cue, the doors slam shut and lock, and Pinkie Pie appears on the TV screen.)
Fallen: Great. I knew fixing that thing was a waste of my time...
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi again, Primey! Wanna do another MST?
Fallen: Why are you asking if you’re not giving me a choice?
Pinkie: Because I’m that nice! Dashie, tell them what they’re in for!
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Today’s story is - wait, you’re making Fluttershy do this, of all stories? I thought you were above that.
Pinkie: I know she can take it. She’s survived this kind of thing before.
(Fluttershy, as if to argue the point, has returned to the corner to cower.)
Dash: ...huh. Anyway, your story this time is “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell.” It’s a retelling of Nightmare Moon’s return, except it’s completely not.
Twilight: Descriptive.
Fallen: Tell me about it. Come on, Fluttershy, just tough it out. If it helps, you can take solace in the fact that this will automatically not be the worst thing out there.
Fluttershy: ...Okay... (walks over to the others)
Pinkie: Super! Now that everypony’s ready...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Twilight Sparkle: Looks like you need some help organizing.
Fallen: That would be apprecia-GAH! How do you ponies keep finding me!?
Twilight: Your armory is next door to Author’s studio. It’s not that hard to find.
Fallen: That... explains more than a few things. Anyway, you offered to help rearrange my weapons?
Twilight: Not all of them, not now. But I can help you make room for that one.
Fallen: Good luck with that. Before you even start, the rocket launchers and sawblades are staying where they are.
Twilight: Why do you just have the blades, anyway? Why not the full saws? And why are most of them covered in rust?
Fallen: You’re here to fix my storage situation, not question my preference of sharp objects.
Twilight: Fine, whatever. Fluttershy, do you think you could lend me a hoof?
(A small squeak is heard from the doorway of the armory.)
Fallen: Oh COME ON! I really need to change the locks if everyone and their grandmother can get in here.
Fluttershy: Oh, I’m sorry, I just followed Twilight here...
Fallen: How did you get in here anyway, Twilight?
Twilight: I heard a voice cry out for structure and organization, so I picked the lock with my magic and burst in.
Fallen: Except if it were BURSTING in, I’d have noticed sooner.
Twilight: ...point.
Fallen: Wait. There are two of you in here.
Fluttershy: Is that a problem? I can leave if I’m bothering you.
Fallen: No, you’re fine. I’m just saying... isn’t that usually all Pinkie needs to-
(Right on cue, the doors slam shut and lock, and Pinkie Pie appears on the TV screen.)
Fallen: Great. I knew fixing that thing was a waste of my time...
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi again, Primey! Wanna do another MST?
Fallen: Why are you asking if you’re not giving me a choice?
Pinkie: Because I’m that nice! Dashie, tell them what they’re in for!
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Today’s story is - wait, you’re making Fluttershy do this, of all stories? I thought you were above that.
Pinkie: I know she can take it. She’s survived this kind of thing before.
(Fluttershy, as if to argue the point, has returned to the corner to cower.)
Dash: ...huh. Anyway, your story this time is “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell.” It’s a retelling of Nightmare Moon’s return, except it’s completely not.
Twilight: Descriptive.
Fallen: Tell me about it. Come on, Fluttershy, just tough it out. If it helps, you can take solace in the fact that this will automatically not be the worst thing out there.
Fluttershy: ...Okay... (walks over to the others)
Pinkie: Super! Now that everypony’s ready...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
My Little PONEY: The parody from hell
by
I have a jar of dirt
Fallen: And guess what’s inside it!
Now, let us assume that you actually found this story.
Twilight: We didn’t. Pinkie Pie did.
Let us assume that you, the reader, blatantly ignored the chapter warning: you know, the one that says "Don't read this. No seriously, don't."
Fluttershy: I wish we’d have listened...
Fallen: Don’t worry about it, ‘Shy. Twilight and I are here for you.
Fluttershy: ...I barely even know you.
Let us assume that you actually busted through this part and scoffed, and then proceeded to actually read the fic in it's entirety. By now, you would be prompted to ask yourself "what kind of retarededly demented turgid piece of decrepit ass shit is this?"
Fallen: Yeah, that may have been censored from my actual thoughts.
or even "what kind of person writes this disgusting slough of cystic anal acid?"
Twilight: This is already giving me terrible mental images.
Well here's your answer.
"Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions."-The Bible, Ezekiel 23:19 through 23:20
Fallen: Oh joy, a Bible quote. Because this thing wasn’t highbrow enough.
So you see, God was my inspiration.
Fallen: If divine intervention was really involved, this would never have been made.
by
I have a jar of dirt
Fallen: And guess what’s inside it!
Now, let us assume that you actually found this story.
Twilight: We didn’t. Pinkie Pie did.
Let us assume that you, the reader, blatantly ignored the chapter warning: you know, the one that says "Don't read this. No seriously, don't."
Fluttershy: I wish we’d have listened...
Fallen: Don’t worry about it, ‘Shy. Twilight and I are here for you.
Fluttershy: ...I barely even know you.
Let us assume that you actually busted through this part and scoffed, and then proceeded to actually read the fic in it's entirety. By now, you would be prompted to ask yourself "what kind of retarededly demented turgid piece of decrepit ass shit is this?"
Fallen: Yeah, that may have been censored from my actual thoughts.
or even "what kind of person writes this disgusting slough of cystic anal acid?"
Twilight: This is already giving me terrible mental images.
Well here's your answer.
"Yet she increased her whorings, remembering the days of her youth, when she played the whore in the land of Egypt and lusted after her paramours there, whose members were like those of donkeys, and whose emission was like that of stallions."-The Bible, Ezekiel 23:19 through 23:20
Fallen: Oh joy, a Bible quote. Because this thing wasn’t highbrow enough.
So you see, God was my inspiration.
Fallen: If divine intervention was really involved, this would never have been made.
Our setting for this shitstorm begins in the royal capital of Equestria, Canterlot. I will now leave over the narrative to our dear guest David Attenborough.
Fluttershy: Who?
Fallen: No one important.
The sun rises over the grand city of Canterlot, as the native inhabitants of equellus caballus, more coloquially know as ponies, leave their homes.
Twilight: I feel like I should be taking notes.
The workers are always under close scrutiny by their princess and her loyal guard, so the ponies must work quickly to gain her favors, lest they are deported to the princess' chambers and become her sex slaves for the rest of their lives.
Fallen: Oh no, is this gonna be another Molestia fic?
Twilight: ...I can’t even be mad at this depiction of Princess Celestia anymore.
Viewed from above, the ponies show some resemblance to an ant hive, with the drones as the regular ponies, the soldiers as guards, and of course, the princess as their queen, even with her slightly misguiding name.
Fluttershy: ...are we even still talking about ponies?
Twilight: This seems more descriptive of changelings, honestly.
We can observe the crowds of equines moving in a similar fashion to their insect counterparts too, scuttling around the ground in search of gifts to improve the lair (in this case, Canterlot) and make the princess content.
Fallen: Sounds like Twilight, alright. (ducks from Twilight’s attempted smack)
One of the workers seem to diverge from the crowd, emerging into a full gallop and screaming over the top of his lungs something incoherent.
Fallen: Going on about “democracy” or some shit like that.
This is typical behavior of the most weak willed individuals of the pony society, who finally crack under the pressure of living under their tyrant's shadow. The guards are quick to pursue the interloper. A short chase begins, finally ending when the guards manage to tackle the insane pony to the ground and drag him off to the royal castle, where the princess will severly punish him for his actions.
Fluttershy: Oh my... what do they mean by “punish him?”
Fallen: I’ve sat through enough of these stories to automatically assume sex.
Let us now shift our perspective to the royal bedroom.
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Warned you.
The unfortunate criminal is pushed inside a rather spacious room painted in pink while the door is firmly locked behind him, preventing any further escape from his plight. The princess approaches the terrified victim, clad in leather and with a whip in her mouth, while her prey desperately bangs at the walls adorned with phallic symbols-
Fluttershy: Please don’t hurt him...
Thank you Mr Attenborough, but we shall move on now.
Twilight: That’s a shame. His narration was very informative.
While the benevolent princess Molestia violently raped the poor soul in her bedroom,
Twilight: ...okay, I’m still furious at this.
Fallen: The pain never goes away. I thought you’d have caught onto that by now.
Twilight Sparke, whose name implies a disturbing similarity to the only vocabulary present among most pre-teen females nowadays,
Twilight: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Fallen: It’d be best if you never found out.
was desperately plowing (lol)
All: (facepalm/hoof)
through the royal library alongside her assistant (slave) baby dragon, Spike.
Twilight: He is NOT my slave! Just because I don’t give him any monetary pay doesn’t mean he works for me out of obligation!
The latter was clad in a very elegant three-piece suit, completed with a red bowtie,
Fallen: Bowties are cool.
a monocle and a most exquisite MOOSHTASH.
Fluttershy: I don’t think dragons are supposed to be able to grow facial hair.
Twilight: A bit of magic can fix that...
"Twilight darling," the dragon twirled his moostash.
Fallen: I think he likes you, Twi.
"I really shouln't preoccupy yourself
Twilight: (cringe)
Fallen: I’d tell you to not get too worked up over that, but the grammar WAS fine up until now. Not perfect, but fine.
with such trivilalities. The Summer Sun celebration is just around the corner; you wouldn't dream of dissapointing your beloved mentor and benevolent tyrant wench, would you?"
Fluttershy: That’s not a very nice thing to say about the princess.
Fallen: Did you just ignore the entire opening of the story?
Fluttershy: As much as I could...
"Just because the rest of the populace doesn't know what's going to happen doesn't mean I should take a rest," the unicorn answered back. "Don't you understand, you untermenschen?
Twilight: Um.
Fallen: Apparently you’re German now.
The other ponies are too occupied kissing Molestia's ass to understand that Mooning Nightmare is returning!
Fallen: I don’t think I like where that’s going.
And the only way of stopping her is to use the Elements of Harmony, but I have no clue where to find them!"
"Surely you jest miss Sparkle," Spike scoffed while litting a cigar.
Fluttershy: A baby dragon shouldn’t be smoking!
Twilight: They breathe fire, Fluttershy. Can it really hurt them that badly?
Fluttershy: Um... I... don’t know?
"The Elements are a myth, just like Mooning herself. If you feel such concern on the matter, how about a nice chat with the princess over a cup of tea?"
Twilight: I’ve had some of my most pleasant conversations with the Princess over a cup of-
Twilight laughed like an asshole on the open speaker. "Of course you retarded plebian! Maybe I should just as well ask her if she could shove her futa penis up my ass!"
Twilight: Buh...
Fluttershy: Do I want to know what’s going on in this scene?
Fallen: If you don’t already, I REFUSE to fix that.
She leaned in closer to Spike's face, who blowed smoke in her face. Twilight coughed and smacked it away with her hoof. "No one interrupts Molestia during punishment.
Fallen: I’m scared to ask what the penalty for cockblocking is...
Can't you hear it?"
They listened carefully through the library door. The sounds of aroused moaning, desperate wailing and whipping echoed across the palace.
Fallen: Kinky.
Fluttershy: How can anypony ENJOY that?
"How about a letter then?" Suggested Spike. "It doesn't technically count as barging into her chambers."
"That semi-brilliant, Spike! I don't get scarred for life seeing Molestia at work, we get the message through, and it gives me a reason to shove something down your throat even though I don't have a dick!"
Twilight: I’m going to hate me here, aren’t I.
Fallen: You don’t already?
"How marvelous," the dragon simply said.
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" His mistress bellowed.
Twilight: Okay, NOW I hate me in this story.
Fluttershy: That’s kind of strong, isn’t it, Twilight?
Twilight: Not strong enough.
At this point, Twilight's alzheimer's kicked in, sending her falling down on the floor, uncontrollable spasms rocking her body.
Fluttershy: I don’t think Alzheimer’s works that way.
"Twilight dear, How many times did I tell you to take your pills? Obviously working for Molestia and building up secret feelings towards her while still fearing the day she will take you and force you into violent sexual activities
Fluttershy: Oh... my...
Twilight: DON’T LOOK AT IT!
has all but crippled your blood pressure."
"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," she bellowed, repeatedly smacking her head against the floor until large blisters appeared on Twilight's face. Another fit struck her, sending her flying into the bookshelves with the force of a grenade
(explosion)
Fluttershy and Twilight: AAH!
Fallen: Sorry. I just like grenades.
and killing a leprechaun that had taken refuge in the wall behind.
Fluttershy: Oh, that poor leprechaun!
Twilight turned towards the dragon, her eyes filled with so much blood, rage and pus he would have been atomized on the spot if glares could kill,
Fallen: If they really could, Fluttershy would be a weapon of mass destruction.
her tongue was sticking out of her mouth, rolling around in a similar fashion to what lesbians do to sexually arouse each other,
Twilight: I’m willing to bet the author wouldn’t know anything about arousing anypony else.
a bit of spit and foam escaping her mouth while her nose dripped with snot. She had another fit.
"WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUU!!!"
Fallen: “I’m Batman.”
"My name is Spike," her assistant calmly answered, "and your pain is my pleasure, you filthy mongrel. Now please calm down before you bite your tongue off."
Twilight: It wouldn’t surprise me if this Spike ate the tongue after it was bitten off.
The unicorn exhaled profoundly. Several terrified Chaos deamons fled her mouth and teleported ack into the Warp, preferring their unholy plane of exisitence over the mad purple creature that walked the normal realm.
Fallen: Pffft. Even the demons of hell don’t like you. (smacked upside the head) I deserved that.
Twilight Sparkle brought up a quill and parchment and shoved them into Spike's hands.
"Write, peasant."
Twilight: But there’s no caste system in Equestria!
She cleared her throat. "Dear princess Molestia, I have come to the conclusion that in the near future, Mooning Nightmare will escape her prison and rape Equestria in the ass.
Fallen: Can you even do that to a kingdom?
Fluttershy: I don’t want to know...
The only way to stop her is to use the Elements of Harmony, which means that I require your permission to go and look for them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
With the letter finished, Twilight took it and forced it down Spike's throat,
Fluttershy: Oh!
Twilight: Why would...
who quickly swallowed it.
After a short while, Spike vomited on Twilight, the foul, greenish substance covering half her body and making small disgusting bits stick themselves to her mane, which prompted the unicorn to vomit herself, making the nauseating pile on the floor grow and spread all over the room.
Fallen: I swear, if either of you say you’re going to be sick...
Molestia's scroll rolled off in the corner, covered in vomit, semen and a little blood.
Fallen: Oh god, I think I’m gonna be-
Twilight: Don’t even try it.
Spike muttered a quick "I say" before picking up the scroll and reading.
Twilight: This won’t be pleasant.
"My faithful cow whore milk slut twat, the amount of fucks I don't give is immeasurable. How about you get your fat pimply ass to Ponyville for some friendship lessons, you bitch tit udder licking skank. Now leave me the fuck alone while I fuck my willing and eligible stallion, or I will pump my cawk and spray your face with jizz. Love, (not) Molestia. There's a message at the bottom. It says HELP in blood."
Fallen: Well. You weren’t wrong.
Twilight exploded in anger again. "HUERERERKKRERKEU-"
And then Canterlot castle blew up.
Fallen: And that’s why I keep my shit locked up tight. So idiots won’t steal it and do something like that.
Fluttershy: ...Can we take a break?
Fallen: What’d she say?
Twilight: I think she wants a break. And I don’t blame her.
Fallen: Well, it’s a bit soon, but I guess we could.
Fluttershy: Who?
Fallen: No one important.
The sun rises over the grand city of Canterlot, as the native inhabitants of equellus caballus, more coloquially know as ponies, leave their homes.
Twilight: I feel like I should be taking notes.
The workers are always under close scrutiny by their princess and her loyal guard, so the ponies must work quickly to gain her favors, lest they are deported to the princess' chambers and become her sex slaves for the rest of their lives.
Fallen: Oh no, is this gonna be another Molestia fic?
Twilight: ...I can’t even be mad at this depiction of Princess Celestia anymore.
Viewed from above, the ponies show some resemblance to an ant hive, with the drones as the regular ponies, the soldiers as guards, and of course, the princess as their queen, even with her slightly misguiding name.
Fluttershy: ...are we even still talking about ponies?
Twilight: This seems more descriptive of changelings, honestly.
We can observe the crowds of equines moving in a similar fashion to their insect counterparts too, scuttling around the ground in search of gifts to improve the lair (in this case, Canterlot) and make the princess content.
Fallen: Sounds like Twilight, alright. (ducks from Twilight’s attempted smack)
One of the workers seem to diverge from the crowd, emerging into a full gallop and screaming over the top of his lungs something incoherent.
Fallen: Going on about “democracy” or some shit like that.
This is typical behavior of the most weak willed individuals of the pony society, who finally crack under the pressure of living under their tyrant's shadow. The guards are quick to pursue the interloper. A short chase begins, finally ending when the guards manage to tackle the insane pony to the ground and drag him off to the royal castle, where the princess will severly punish him for his actions.
Fluttershy: Oh my... what do they mean by “punish him?”
Fallen: I’ve sat through enough of these stories to automatically assume sex.
Let us now shift our perspective to the royal bedroom.
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Warned you.
The unfortunate criminal is pushed inside a rather spacious room painted in pink while the door is firmly locked behind him, preventing any further escape from his plight. The princess approaches the terrified victim, clad in leather and with a whip in her mouth, while her prey desperately bangs at the walls adorned with phallic symbols-
Fluttershy: Please don’t hurt him...
Thank you Mr Attenborough, but we shall move on now.
Twilight: That’s a shame. His narration was very informative.
While the benevolent princess Molestia violently raped the poor soul in her bedroom,
Twilight: ...okay, I’m still furious at this.
Fallen: The pain never goes away. I thought you’d have caught onto that by now.
Twilight Sparke, whose name implies a disturbing similarity to the only vocabulary present among most pre-teen females nowadays,
Twilight: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Fallen: It’d be best if you never found out.
was desperately plowing (lol)
All: (facepalm/hoof)
through the royal library alongside her assistant (slave) baby dragon, Spike.
Twilight: He is NOT my slave! Just because I don’t give him any monetary pay doesn’t mean he works for me out of obligation!
The latter was clad in a very elegant three-piece suit, completed with a red bowtie,
Fallen: Bowties are cool.
a monocle and a most exquisite MOOSHTASH.
Fluttershy: I don’t think dragons are supposed to be able to grow facial hair.
Twilight: A bit of magic can fix that...
"Twilight darling," the dragon twirled his moostash.
Fallen: I think he likes you, Twi.
"I really shouln't preoccupy yourself
Twilight: (cringe)
Fallen: I’d tell you to not get too worked up over that, but the grammar WAS fine up until now. Not perfect, but fine.
with such trivilalities. The Summer Sun celebration is just around the corner; you wouldn't dream of dissapointing your beloved mentor and benevolent tyrant wench, would you?"
Fluttershy: That’s not a very nice thing to say about the princess.
Fallen: Did you just ignore the entire opening of the story?
Fluttershy: As much as I could...
"Just because the rest of the populace doesn't know what's going to happen doesn't mean I should take a rest," the unicorn answered back. "Don't you understand, you untermenschen?
Twilight: Um.
Fallen: Apparently you’re German now.
The other ponies are too occupied kissing Molestia's ass to understand that Mooning Nightmare is returning!
Fallen: I don’t think I like where that’s going.
And the only way of stopping her is to use the Elements of Harmony, but I have no clue where to find them!"
"Surely you jest miss Sparkle," Spike scoffed while litting a cigar.
Fluttershy: A baby dragon shouldn’t be smoking!
Twilight: They breathe fire, Fluttershy. Can it really hurt them that badly?
Fluttershy: Um... I... don’t know?
"The Elements are a myth, just like Mooning herself. If you feel such concern on the matter, how about a nice chat with the princess over a cup of tea?"
Twilight: I’ve had some of my most pleasant conversations with the Princess over a cup of-
Twilight laughed like an asshole on the open speaker. "Of course you retarded plebian! Maybe I should just as well ask her if she could shove her futa penis up my ass!"
Twilight: Buh...
Fluttershy: Do I want to know what’s going on in this scene?
Fallen: If you don’t already, I REFUSE to fix that.
She leaned in closer to Spike's face, who blowed smoke in her face. Twilight coughed and smacked it away with her hoof. "No one interrupts Molestia during punishment.
Fallen: I’m scared to ask what the penalty for cockblocking is...
Can't you hear it?"
They listened carefully through the library door. The sounds of aroused moaning, desperate wailing and whipping echoed across the palace.
Fallen: Kinky.
Fluttershy: How can anypony ENJOY that?
"How about a letter then?" Suggested Spike. "It doesn't technically count as barging into her chambers."
"That semi-brilliant, Spike! I don't get scarred for life seeing Molestia at work, we get the message through, and it gives me a reason to shove something down your throat even though I don't have a dick!"
Twilight: I’m going to hate me here, aren’t I.
Fallen: You don’t already?
"How marvelous," the dragon simply said.
"I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR OPINION!!!" His mistress bellowed.
Twilight: Okay, NOW I hate me in this story.
Fluttershy: That’s kind of strong, isn’t it, Twilight?
Twilight: Not strong enough.
At this point, Twilight's alzheimer's kicked in, sending her falling down on the floor, uncontrollable spasms rocking her body.
Fluttershy: I don’t think Alzheimer’s works that way.
"Twilight dear, How many times did I tell you to take your pills? Obviously working for Molestia and building up secret feelings towards her while still fearing the day she will take you and force you into violent sexual activities
Fluttershy: Oh... my...
Twilight: DON’T LOOK AT IT!
has all but crippled your blood pressure."
"SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP," she bellowed, repeatedly smacking her head against the floor until large blisters appeared on Twilight's face. Another fit struck her, sending her flying into the bookshelves with the force of a grenade
(explosion)
Fluttershy and Twilight: AAH!
Fallen: Sorry. I just like grenades.
and killing a leprechaun that had taken refuge in the wall behind.
Fluttershy: Oh, that poor leprechaun!
Twilight turned towards the dragon, her eyes filled with so much blood, rage and pus he would have been atomized on the spot if glares could kill,
Fallen: If they really could, Fluttershy would be a weapon of mass destruction.
her tongue was sticking out of her mouth, rolling around in a similar fashion to what lesbians do to sexually arouse each other,
Twilight: I’m willing to bet the author wouldn’t know anything about arousing anypony else.
a bit of spit and foam escaping her mouth while her nose dripped with snot. She had another fit.
"WHO ARE YOUUUUUUUU!!!"
Fallen: “I’m Batman.”
"My name is Spike," her assistant calmly answered, "and your pain is my pleasure, you filthy mongrel. Now please calm down before you bite your tongue off."
Twilight: It wouldn’t surprise me if this Spike ate the tongue after it was bitten off.
The unicorn exhaled profoundly. Several terrified Chaos deamons fled her mouth and teleported ack into the Warp, preferring their unholy plane of exisitence over the mad purple creature that walked the normal realm.
Fallen: Pffft. Even the demons of hell don’t like you. (smacked upside the head) I deserved that.
Twilight Sparkle brought up a quill and parchment and shoved them into Spike's hands.
"Write, peasant."
Twilight: But there’s no caste system in Equestria!
She cleared her throat. "Dear princess Molestia, I have come to the conclusion that in the near future, Mooning Nightmare will escape her prison and rape Equestria in the ass.
Fallen: Can you even do that to a kingdom?
Fluttershy: I don’t want to know...
The only way to stop her is to use the Elements of Harmony, which means that I require your permission to go and look for them. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."
With the letter finished, Twilight took it and forced it down Spike's throat,
Fluttershy: Oh!
Twilight: Why would...
who quickly swallowed it.
After a short while, Spike vomited on Twilight, the foul, greenish substance covering half her body and making small disgusting bits stick themselves to her mane, which prompted the unicorn to vomit herself, making the nauseating pile on the floor grow and spread all over the room.
Fallen: I swear, if either of you say you’re going to be sick...
Molestia's scroll rolled off in the corner, covered in vomit, semen and a little blood.
Fallen: Oh god, I think I’m gonna be-
Twilight: Don’t even try it.
Spike muttered a quick "I say" before picking up the scroll and reading.
Twilight: This won’t be pleasant.
"My faithful cow whore milk slut twat, the amount of fucks I don't give is immeasurable. How about you get your fat pimply ass to Ponyville for some friendship lessons, you bitch tit udder licking skank. Now leave me the fuck alone while I fuck my willing and eligible stallion, or I will pump my cawk and spray your face with jizz. Love, (not) Molestia. There's a message at the bottom. It says HELP in blood."
Fallen: Well. You weren’t wrong.
Twilight exploded in anger again. "HUERERERKKRERKEU-"
And then Canterlot castle blew up.
Fallen: And that’s why I keep my shit locked up tight. So idiots won’t steal it and do something like that.
Fluttershy: ...Can we take a break?
Fallen: What’d she say?
Twilight: I think she wants a break. And I don’t blame her.
Fallen: Well, it’s a bit soon, but I guess we could.
Fallen: So what do we think of the story so f- uh, Fluttershy, what are you doing?
Fluttershy: (sniffling) I-I’m making a gravestone for that poor leprechaun...
Fallen: Why would you have the materials to do that if you didn’t even know we’d be doing an MST, let alone one of a fic where something died? For that matter, why are you even torn up over this?
Twilight: Just let her have this. I don’t think any of us want her crying throughout the story, so it’s best to let her work through it.
Fallen: Good point. There’s nothing sadder than a crying Fluttershy.
Twilight: Well, since we have some downtime, I can help with the weapon rearrangement.
Fallen: Oh yeah, right. Thanks.
Twilight: No problem. So where were you thinking of putting this new one you got?
Fallen: I didn’t have a real place for it. I was ready to toss it wherever there was room on the wall.
Twilight: That’s recklessly disorganized! How do you expect to find anything like that?
Fallen: By remembering where I put whatever I need. Because I’m pretty good at that.
Twilight: Alright, let’s test that. You have grenades, right?
Fallen: Plenty. You SAW me use one a few minutes ago.
Twilight: Where are they?
Fallen: Right next to the... um.... over by...
Twilight: That’s what I was afraid of. Without some sort of system of arrangement, this place may be more of a hazard than it already is by just having guns hanging everywhere!
Fallen: Fine, so maybe I’m haphazard and forgetful. What do you propose I do about it?
Twilight: Well, I think you should... uh... maybe if you moved these over here...
Fallen: Whoa, what are you doing!? Why are you putting the scimitars over by the machetes?
Twilight: Well, they’re both bladed weapons, right? What’s the difference?
Fallen: You have no idea what you’re doing. And that’s why I stalled this. I doubt any of you have seen weapons in your entire lives!
Fluttershy: Um... Fallen...
Fallen: Next you’ll be telling me to stuff the assault rifles with the revolvers! In fact, that’s exactly where they are! And you’re supposed to help me not have them there!
Fluttershy: Fallen... if I could-
Fallen: You shouldn’t even be in here anyway! You BROKE in! And because of you, we’re stuck reading this stupid-
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Oh. What is it, ‘Shy?
Fluttershy: Twilight has the right idea with putting the bladed weapons together, but you should make a subsection of swords to separate the scimitars from the machetes. Maybe you could move all the heavy artillery weapons over into a corner where they’re out of the way. For the most part, I think you should have the small arms, like handguns and revolvers, over on this right wall, and mid-sized weapons like shotguns over on the left. The melee weapons should be positioned around the entryway, and the larger weapons, artillery included, should go over to this far wall over here. It would also help if you thought to arrange the firearms by firepower or cartridge size. Or-
(Twilight and Fallen stare at Fluttershy, mouths agape.)
Fluttershy: Or you could... leave them where they are... if that’s easier...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fluttershy: (sniffling) I-I’m making a gravestone for that poor leprechaun...
Fallen: Why would you have the materials to do that if you didn’t even know we’d be doing an MST, let alone one of a fic where something died? For that matter, why are you even torn up over this?
Twilight: Just let her have this. I don’t think any of us want her crying throughout the story, so it’s best to let her work through it.
Fallen: Good point. There’s nothing sadder than a crying Fluttershy.
Twilight: Well, since we have some downtime, I can help with the weapon rearrangement.
Fallen: Oh yeah, right. Thanks.
Twilight: No problem. So where were you thinking of putting this new one you got?
Fallen: I didn’t have a real place for it. I was ready to toss it wherever there was room on the wall.
Twilight: That’s recklessly disorganized! How do you expect to find anything like that?
Fallen: By remembering where I put whatever I need. Because I’m pretty good at that.
Twilight: Alright, let’s test that. You have grenades, right?
Fallen: Plenty. You SAW me use one a few minutes ago.
Twilight: Where are they?
Fallen: Right next to the... um.... over by...
Twilight: That’s what I was afraid of. Without some sort of system of arrangement, this place may be more of a hazard than it already is by just having guns hanging everywhere!
Fallen: Fine, so maybe I’m haphazard and forgetful. What do you propose I do about it?
Twilight: Well, I think you should... uh... maybe if you moved these over here...
Fallen: Whoa, what are you doing!? Why are you putting the scimitars over by the machetes?
Twilight: Well, they’re both bladed weapons, right? What’s the difference?
Fallen: You have no idea what you’re doing. And that’s why I stalled this. I doubt any of you have seen weapons in your entire lives!
Fluttershy: Um... Fallen...
Fallen: Next you’ll be telling me to stuff the assault rifles with the revolvers! In fact, that’s exactly where they are! And you’re supposed to help me not have them there!
Fluttershy: Fallen... if I could-
Fallen: You shouldn’t even be in here anyway! You BROKE in! And because of you, we’re stuck reading this stupid-
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Oh. What is it, ‘Shy?
Fluttershy: Twilight has the right idea with putting the bladed weapons together, but you should make a subsection of swords to separate the scimitars from the machetes. Maybe you could move all the heavy artillery weapons over into a corner where they’re out of the way. For the most part, I think you should have the small arms, like handguns and revolvers, over on this right wall, and mid-sized weapons like shotguns over on the left. The melee weapons should be positioned around the entryway, and the larger weapons, artillery included, should go over to this far wall over here. It would also help if you thought to arrange the firearms by firepower or cartridge size. Or-
(Twilight and Fallen stare at Fluttershy, mouths agape.)
Fluttershy: Or you could... leave them where they are... if that’s easier...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
A dragon with a monocle and moostash accompanied by a lavender unicorn in a straightjacket
Fallen: walks into a bar....
flew across the land aboard one of the royal carriages. It thundered across the sky, not stopping at any signs and almost killing a few other pegasi by ramming (lol)
All: (facepalm/hoof X2 combo)
into them. Not surprising when the number plate stated "We brake for no one."
"How DARE she!" Twilight fumed. "How DARE she ignore the threat! Equestria is about to get cockslapped by the pony equivalent of Cthulhu
Fluttershy: Please no...
and yet our dear queen bitch prefers to fornicate the living daylights out of all our colts! I'm the only one who sane!
Fallen: But I feel like I’m the only one who grammar sometimes.
DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHEUEUKLRKR-" Twilight gagged on the last part as Spike shoved a teat in her mouth, which the unicorn eagerly sucked (lol)
Twilight and Fallen: (facepalm/hoof X3 combo)
Fluttershy: That’s going to start to hurt after too long, so I think I’ll just stop.
and calmed down.
"Mmmm, strawberry..."
"My dear, please, think of your cholesterol levels. This constant state of unbridled rage cannot go on for much longer."
Twilight: You have NO IDEA what I’ve had to read.
Fallen: I do. Believe me, I do.
"But Spike you fucking moron, the country's in danger!"
Fallen: “We have to save the world, cockbite!”
"These are princess Molestia's orders my dear," Spike stated calmly while smoking a cigar. "As... Peculiar our leader's habits might be, remember she is very old and wise. She would not send us to Ponyville without a reason, hm?"
Twilight: Is that... actual respect for Cele-
"Yes, because a ponified, female Peter North is obviously wise, right?" Twilight snarked. "She doesn't even use condoms, Spike! How the fuck isn't she pregnant twenty-four hours seven? Someone must have twisted the uterus into a balloon animal on that goddamned cumdumpster whore."
Twilight: (twitching with rage)
Fluttershy: Oh dear...
Finally, after another hour of Twilight Sparkle's banter, the carriage descended towards Ponyville. It smashed into the side of a cripple's orphanage and splattered several foals, painting their guts on the wall nearby.
Fluttershy: I don’t want to read this anymore...
Twilight: None of us do, but we don’t have a choice.
A disembodied voice from the sky shouted "Monster Kill!" while Twilight and Spike exited the carriage, not giving a single fuck.
Fallen: You terrible, awful excuse for an equine.
The unicorn took out a scroll.
"Alright, so the Summer Sun Celebration is due soon and there are five different ponies leading the preparations." The orphanage burst into flames behind them.
Fluttershy: (inconsolable sobbing)
Fallen: Oh, NOW look what you’ve done, story!
"First one on the list is called Pinkie Pie and is the main organizer for the decortions."
She set the scroll down. "Pinkie Pie? Seriously? That's the kind of name I'd expect to find in a children's cartoon."
Fallen: (facepalm X4 combo)
Twilight: ...I don’t get it.
Spike twirled his moostash again. "My word, Twilight Sparkle, you just made a meta reference!"
Twilight: Oh, so it’s not even something I’m MEANT to get?
Fallen: Guess not. But I imagine Pinkie’s rolling on the floor laughing.
"Okay, so we find these idiots, check 'em off, and then we actually do what matters and try to stop Mooning Nightmare."
Fallen: Except the story doesn’t even get that far.
Fluttershy: Oh, thank goodness...
The duo walked off to the local bakery, which was comically formed like a gingerbread house. A pink (as in PIIIIIINK)
Fallen: That’s a lot of pink.
pony approached Twilight Sparkle, jumping on her hind legs since she held several burning and screaming orphans.
Fluttershy: At least somepony cares...
Fallen: You wish.
"Let me guess," Twilight asked her. "Since you are pink and jumping around like an invalid child, you must be Pinkie Pie. Once again, logic wins the day."
The jumpy mare ignored the cries of foals and twisted her neck 180 degrees,
Fallen: and then projectile vomited and mutilated her vagina with a crucifix.
Fluttershy: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?
a genuinely creepy grin stretching out to cover 75 percent of her face. "Sviđa mi se sjenica jebeni!"
Twilight: I really need to look into foreign languages...
Fallen: I can’t even tell what this is, but it looks Scandinavian.
Twilight chuckled nervously. "Okay... Well, I see you seem to have everything under control, then. I'll just be going over there were I will try to keep myself as far away from you as possible while you do... Whatever it is you do with these children."
Twilight: I don’t think I like the implications of that...
The bubbly pink mare nodded vigorously, like Molestia pumps her cawk right now thinking of you.
Fallen: Wow, her standards must be low.
"Meine Hunde denke, mein Gewürz Farne sind Juden!"
Fallen: And now she’s German?
Then she proceeded to take all the foals with her, climbed up to her bedroom by levitating herself to the window
Twilight: But- she’s an- she can’t- how-
Fluttershy: Calm down! We don’t need you to light yourself on fire again!
and then locked it. Molestia's envoys fled the scene in panic.
Fallen: walks into a bar....
flew across the land aboard one of the royal carriages. It thundered across the sky, not stopping at any signs and almost killing a few other pegasi by ramming (lol)
All: (facepalm/hoof X2 combo)
into them. Not surprising when the number plate stated "We brake for no one."
"How DARE she!" Twilight fumed. "How DARE she ignore the threat! Equestria is about to get cockslapped by the pony equivalent of Cthulhu
Fluttershy: Please no...
and yet our dear queen bitch prefers to fornicate the living daylights out of all our colts! I'm the only one who sane!
Fallen: But I feel like I’m the only one who grammar sometimes.
DO YOU HEAR ME?! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHEUEUKLRKR-" Twilight gagged on the last part as Spike shoved a teat in her mouth, which the unicorn eagerly sucked (lol)
Twilight and Fallen: (facepalm/hoof X3 combo)
Fluttershy: That’s going to start to hurt after too long, so I think I’ll just stop.
and calmed down.
"Mmmm, strawberry..."
"My dear, please, think of your cholesterol levels. This constant state of unbridled rage cannot go on for much longer."
Twilight: You have NO IDEA what I’ve had to read.
Fallen: I do. Believe me, I do.
"But Spike you fucking moron, the country's in danger!"
Fallen: “We have to save the world, cockbite!”
"These are princess Molestia's orders my dear," Spike stated calmly while smoking a cigar. "As... Peculiar our leader's habits might be, remember she is very old and wise. She would not send us to Ponyville without a reason, hm?"
Twilight: Is that... actual respect for Cele-
"Yes, because a ponified, female Peter North is obviously wise, right?" Twilight snarked. "She doesn't even use condoms, Spike! How the fuck isn't she pregnant twenty-four hours seven? Someone must have twisted the uterus into a balloon animal on that goddamned cumdumpster whore."
Twilight: (twitching with rage)
Fluttershy: Oh dear...
Finally, after another hour of Twilight Sparkle's banter, the carriage descended towards Ponyville. It smashed into the side of a cripple's orphanage and splattered several foals, painting their guts on the wall nearby.
Fluttershy: I don’t want to read this anymore...
Twilight: None of us do, but we don’t have a choice.
A disembodied voice from the sky shouted "Monster Kill!" while Twilight and Spike exited the carriage, not giving a single fuck.
Fallen: You terrible, awful excuse for an equine.
The unicorn took out a scroll.
"Alright, so the Summer Sun Celebration is due soon and there are five different ponies leading the preparations." The orphanage burst into flames behind them.
Fluttershy: (inconsolable sobbing)
Fallen: Oh, NOW look what you’ve done, story!
"First one on the list is called Pinkie Pie and is the main organizer for the decortions."
She set the scroll down. "Pinkie Pie? Seriously? That's the kind of name I'd expect to find in a children's cartoon."
Fallen: (facepalm X4 combo)
Twilight: ...I don’t get it.
Spike twirled his moostash again. "My word, Twilight Sparkle, you just made a meta reference!"
Twilight: Oh, so it’s not even something I’m MEANT to get?
Fallen: Guess not. But I imagine Pinkie’s rolling on the floor laughing.
"Okay, so we find these idiots, check 'em off, and then we actually do what matters and try to stop Mooning Nightmare."
Fallen: Except the story doesn’t even get that far.
Fluttershy: Oh, thank goodness...
The duo walked off to the local bakery, which was comically formed like a gingerbread house. A pink (as in PIIIIIINK)
Fallen: That’s a lot of pink.
pony approached Twilight Sparkle, jumping on her hind legs since she held several burning and screaming orphans.
Fluttershy: At least somepony cares...
Fallen: You wish.
"Let me guess," Twilight asked her. "Since you are pink and jumping around like an invalid child, you must be Pinkie Pie. Once again, logic wins the day."
The jumpy mare ignored the cries of foals and twisted her neck 180 degrees,
Fallen: and then projectile vomited and mutilated her vagina with a crucifix.
Fluttershy: WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT!?
a genuinely creepy grin stretching out to cover 75 percent of her face. "Sviđa mi se sjenica jebeni!"
Twilight: I really need to look into foreign languages...
Fallen: I can’t even tell what this is, but it looks Scandinavian.
Twilight chuckled nervously. "Okay... Well, I see you seem to have everything under control, then. I'll just be going over there were I will try to keep myself as far away from you as possible while you do... Whatever it is you do with these children."
Twilight: I don’t think I like the implications of that...
The bubbly pink mare nodded vigorously, like Molestia pumps her cawk right now thinking of you.
Fallen: Wow, her standards must be low.
"Meine Hunde denke, mein Gewürz Farne sind Juden!"
Fallen: And now she’s German?
Then she proceeded to take all the foals with her, climbed up to her bedroom by levitating herself to the window
Twilight: But- she’s an- she can’t- how-
Fluttershy: Calm down! We don’t need you to light yourself on fire again!
and then locked it. Molestia's envoys fled the scene in panic.
Twilight and Spike arrived at the Sweet Apple Acres farm shortly after. The place was without a doubt filthy as all fuck.
Twilight: ...no, it’s really not. Applejack and her family maintain it pretty well-
Fallen: You’re not gonna convince the story of that.
Manure was piled up everywhere in huge mountains to be used on the fields, with patches of feces littering every part of the farm. Literally nowhere was safe from the deluge of shit.
Fluttershy: Well, that is a valid fertilization technique.
Fallen: I’m going to avoid commenting on that, and instead let it sink in that you defended this thing.
Fluttershy: ...oh...
They approached the place with ill foreboding and heavy stomachs. The air was putrid and festering, like dozens of newborns dipped in blood, licking shit of each other while a pedophile jizzed all over them.
Twilight and Fallen: Sounds like “Sweet Apple Massacre.”
Twilight: Oh no, you’ve read that too?
Fallen: It’s not something you read. It’s something you survive.
Then the infants were thrown into furnaces and burned with ammonium as a fuel while old crippled faggots vomited down the furnace chimney and sodomized each other.
Fluttershy: Why does this story exist?
A shot rang out and almost hit them, striking just a few feet before them.
"Shit! Sniper!" Twilight cried out as she and Spike dove for cover behind a cart. There was shit on it.
Twilight: Of course there was.
A little yellow filly with red mane and a bow in her hair emerged from the house, holding a smoking shotgun.
Fallen: What’s the minimum age for gun licenses in Equestria?
Twilight: Older than most ponies’ natural lifespans.
"Get off our lawn, ya stinkin' fellers! Ain't no outsiders welcome here!"
The unicorn cleared her throat and peeked out from behind the cart. "H- Hello? What's your name?"
"Name's Applebloom, an' imma kick yo city ass outta our family's heritage, ya fag lover!"
Fallen: And par for the course with badfic Apples. Homophobia and xenophobia.
"Listen -Applebloom, was it?-, my name's Twilight Sparkle we're just here to check out the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration! There's not need for anything rash!"
The little filly contemplated her words for a while before lowering the shotgun. "Awrigh't, but if ye prove to be Pinkie's frien' imma shoot ya on th' spot!"
Fluttershy: I mean no disrespect, but is this really how the author is writing their accent?
Fallen: Irish ghetto pirate? Looks like it.
She then turned towards the house and bellowed with all the force her throat could muster. "BIG MAC! GET OFF YA SISTA'!
Fallen: Another mark off for incest...
WE GOT COMPANY!"
Spike started feeling a bit sick. "Dear Molestia, do all country ponies practice inbreeding?"
Twilight: It really wouldn’t surprise me anymore.
"Let's hope not. I don't want to witness that in my life."
An orange pony with a Stetson hat left the house after a short while, looking mildly exhausted. Her flank was adorned by three apples as a cutie mark. Also, there was a thin line of liquid dripping from her behind.
Fallen: The least you could do is clean up if you have guests.
"Phooey!" The mare sighed. "Excuse me fer th' hospitality, but that darn colt jes' keeps on goin' all day long."
"I'm sure that is correct," Twilight say. "After all, this place is like every damn southern redneck stereotype assembled into one single entity."
Twilight: Or four. There’s a FAMILY there.
Fallen: And considering when this took place, it’s probably the ENTIRE family, so...
"What diddya say?"
"I was complimenting your... Southern charm."
"Oh, OK."
Fallen: Mark off for lack of intelligence...
The cowpony led the unicorn and dragon to their barn.
Fluttershy: Because the shed was too sacred for pony eyes.
Fallen: And of course you mention sheds...
Fluttershy: What? Did I say something wrong?
Fallen: No, no, just... keep going.
Twilight was pleasantly surprised: the food looked pretty much untouched by the filth that contaminated the rest of the farm; in fact, it looked pretty damn delicious.
"Not bad," she said. "I can check that from the list then. The dinner seems perfect."
Twilight: Wait a second! I think it had me check off the decorations before ever seeing them!
Fluttershy: Please just let it go. We’ll be here all day if you nitpick.
"Yep, got th' whole setup ready fer t'night!" Applejack proclaimed proudly. "Now if ye excuse meh, I gotta brother t' please. Th' whole Apple family is headin' over fer sum fun an' I gotta make sure Big Mac finishes up in time b'fore eh get's too tired fer th' reunion. Gonna be a proper cowmare show!"
All: EW.
It took Twilight two seconds to realise what Applejack had implied. Her brain 404'd.
Fallen: Twilight Sparkle has performed an illegal operation and must be closed.
Twilight: ...no, it’s really not. Applejack and her family maintain it pretty well-
Fallen: You’re not gonna convince the story of that.
Manure was piled up everywhere in huge mountains to be used on the fields, with patches of feces littering every part of the farm. Literally nowhere was safe from the deluge of shit.
Fluttershy: Well, that is a valid fertilization technique.
Fallen: I’m going to avoid commenting on that, and instead let it sink in that you defended this thing.
Fluttershy: ...oh...
They approached the place with ill foreboding and heavy stomachs. The air was putrid and festering, like dozens of newborns dipped in blood, licking shit of each other while a pedophile jizzed all over them.
Twilight and Fallen: Sounds like “Sweet Apple Massacre.”
Twilight: Oh no, you’ve read that too?
Fallen: It’s not something you read. It’s something you survive.
Then the infants were thrown into furnaces and burned with ammonium as a fuel while old crippled faggots vomited down the furnace chimney and sodomized each other.
Fluttershy: Why does this story exist?
A shot rang out and almost hit them, striking just a few feet before them.
"Shit! Sniper!" Twilight cried out as she and Spike dove for cover behind a cart. There was shit on it.
Twilight: Of course there was.
A little yellow filly with red mane and a bow in her hair emerged from the house, holding a smoking shotgun.
Fallen: What’s the minimum age for gun licenses in Equestria?
Twilight: Older than most ponies’ natural lifespans.
"Get off our lawn, ya stinkin' fellers! Ain't no outsiders welcome here!"
The unicorn cleared her throat and peeked out from behind the cart. "H- Hello? What's your name?"
"Name's Applebloom, an' imma kick yo city ass outta our family's heritage, ya fag lover!"
Fallen: And par for the course with badfic Apples. Homophobia and xenophobia.
"Listen -Applebloom, was it?-, my name's Twilight Sparkle we're just here to check out the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration! There's not need for anything rash!"
The little filly contemplated her words for a while before lowering the shotgun. "Awrigh't, but if ye prove to be Pinkie's frien' imma shoot ya on th' spot!"
Fluttershy: I mean no disrespect, but is this really how the author is writing their accent?
Fallen: Irish ghetto pirate? Looks like it.
She then turned towards the house and bellowed with all the force her throat could muster. "BIG MAC! GET OFF YA SISTA'!
Fallen: Another mark off for incest...
WE GOT COMPANY!"
Spike started feeling a bit sick. "Dear Molestia, do all country ponies practice inbreeding?"
Twilight: It really wouldn’t surprise me anymore.
"Let's hope not. I don't want to witness that in my life."
An orange pony with a Stetson hat left the house after a short while, looking mildly exhausted. Her flank was adorned by three apples as a cutie mark. Also, there was a thin line of liquid dripping from her behind.
Fallen: The least you could do is clean up if you have guests.
"Phooey!" The mare sighed. "Excuse me fer th' hospitality, but that darn colt jes' keeps on goin' all day long."
"I'm sure that is correct," Twilight say. "After all, this place is like every damn southern redneck stereotype assembled into one single entity."
Twilight: Or four. There’s a FAMILY there.
Fallen: And considering when this took place, it’s probably the ENTIRE family, so...
"What diddya say?"
"I was complimenting your... Southern charm."
"Oh, OK."
Fallen: Mark off for lack of intelligence...
The cowpony led the unicorn and dragon to their barn.
Fluttershy: Because the shed was too sacred for pony eyes.
Fallen: And of course you mention sheds...
Fluttershy: What? Did I say something wrong?
Fallen: No, no, just... keep going.
Twilight was pleasantly surprised: the food looked pretty much untouched by the filth that contaminated the rest of the farm; in fact, it looked pretty damn delicious.
"Not bad," she said. "I can check that from the list then. The dinner seems perfect."
Twilight: Wait a second! I think it had me check off the decorations before ever seeing them!
Fluttershy: Please just let it go. We’ll be here all day if you nitpick.
"Yep, got th' whole setup ready fer t'night!" Applejack proclaimed proudly. "Now if ye excuse meh, I gotta brother t' please. Th' whole Apple family is headin' over fer sum fun an' I gotta make sure Big Mac finishes up in time b'fore eh get's too tired fer th' reunion. Gonna be a proper cowmare show!"
All: EW.
It took Twilight two seconds to realise what Applejack had implied. Her brain 404'd.
Fallen: Twilight Sparkle has performed an illegal operation and must be closed.
"Ugh... I'm glad to stay away from that fuckfest. And I'm meaning it literally. Like saying the word cockpit and implying that other meaning."
Twilight: This story and class are on two entirely different planes of existence.
The unicorn and dragon briskly trotted away from Sweet Apple Acres and made their way back to Ponyville. Both stopped for a short moment to pour some brain bleach through their ears
Fluttershy: That’s a comforting thought right about now...
Fallen: There’ll be plenty of time for that when we’re done. I promise.
Fluttershy: Yay!
before continuing along the path. Dark clouds were forming across the sky, darkening the entire town as they entered it. Spike reopened the scroll and read.
"The weather patrol is handled by a certain miss "Rainbow Dash,"
Fallen: Lesbian. Calling it now.
Twilight: Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?
Fallen: The Apple family is every Southern stereotype ever, and the author’s using Molestia. What makes you think Dash is immune to predictable patterns?
who should be around here somewhere."
"Well obviously the bitch ain't doing her job," Twiligt muttered and pointed a hoof to the grey skies. "Look at this shit! The weather is supposed to be clear and all I'm seeing is Karl Marx's beard covering the sun!
Fallen: Considering this depiction of Celestia, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Where art this Rainbow Dash thou speaketh of?"
Fluttershy: Princess Luna? How is she in the story?
"I'm right here, sweetie."
They both turned around. A cyan pegasus with rainbow-colored mane was lying on a cloud a few feet above them, winking at Twilight and licking her lips while wiggling her hips in a seductive manner.
Twilight: Sweet princess, you were right.
Fallen: That tends to happen a lot.
"You called me?" She asked in a sultry voice.
"Why yes you obvious lesbian," Twilight groaned.
Twilight: And there’s the only thing the story got right about me. I’m groaning at this.
"You said you would have the sky completely free of clouds for the celebration, but all I'm seeing up there is the kind of shit I find under my bed when I don't clean it for weeks."
Fallen: That didn’t last long.
Rainbow Dash descended form her cloud and got so close to the unicorn's face they could practically touch. The pegasus brought a hoof up and caressed the other mare's mane while eliciting a soft moan. "All your talk of beds and dirty things interests me... Greatly," she said slowly before smirking. "I like that."
Fluttershy: Normally saying something interests you already implies that you like it.
Twilight grew increasingly nervous. For the mighty Fuck's sake, she's too close for comfort... With her face smelling of daisies and wonderfully... Proportioned... Nostrils!
Twilight: ...really? The nostrils and the smell of her face?
She composed herself and batted Rainbow's hoof away.
"Listen you walking gay pride poster," the unicorn growled. "You can make your not at all welcome advances on me later,
Fallen: “Is that a promise?”
but right now i want this cloud gone before the Princess comes, or she'll... Uh, uh... FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A STALLION INSTEAD!!!"
Rainbow gasped in horror and fell onto her knees.
Fallen: Wow. Just how much of a homosexual is she?
"No, please! Anything but that! In my entire life have I been feeding on female cum juices, gaining my sweet prize by seducing and fucking every mare I could come across! It is my life force, the water that fills my Holy Grail, my ambrosium, my nectar from the Gods of sexuality! It is my curse and my divine gift, that can only be tainted by the most vile of substances; semen, the only concotion known to ponykind that can kill me! Please do not impose this cruelty upon me; I'll do anything! I will be your slave, serving your every bidding and even taking flaccid dildos up the ass while I'm bound in leather to a chair made of labial lips!" The pegasus paused briefly in her rant. "Actually, that would be pretty hot. But still! Please do not punish me so unescessarily! Anything but such impunity!"
Twilight and Fluttershy: …
Fallen: ...I need to stop talking.
Twilight Sparkle cackled like a maniac towards the unfortunate mare lying in front of her and raised her hooves while lightning descended from the heavens, crackling loudly across the sky.
Fluttershy: (gulp)
Fallen: What’s wrong with her?
Twilight: Gala flashbacks, I think.
She leaned in closely.
"Anything, you say?"
"Yes! Anything!"
Fallen: “Spread ‘em.”
"Alright then. Clear out those clouds, and then I have something in store for you, something that I think you'll like..."
The terrified pegasus nodded vigorously. "Y- yes, mistress..."
Fallen: Heil Hagan!
Twilight: What the hay does that even mean?
Fallen: Shut up and leave me to my obscure references.
Twilight: This story and class are on two entirely different planes of existence.
The unicorn and dragon briskly trotted away from Sweet Apple Acres and made their way back to Ponyville. Both stopped for a short moment to pour some brain bleach through their ears
Fluttershy: That’s a comforting thought right about now...
Fallen: There’ll be plenty of time for that when we’re done. I promise.
Fluttershy: Yay!
before continuing along the path. Dark clouds were forming across the sky, darkening the entire town as they entered it. Spike reopened the scroll and read.
"The weather patrol is handled by a certain miss "Rainbow Dash,"
Fallen: Lesbian. Calling it now.
Twilight: Aren’t you getting a little ahead of yourself?
Fallen: The Apple family is every Southern stereotype ever, and the author’s using Molestia. What makes you think Dash is immune to predictable patterns?
who should be around here somewhere."
"Well obviously the bitch ain't doing her job," Twiligt muttered and pointed a hoof to the grey skies. "Look at this shit! The weather is supposed to be clear and all I'm seeing is Karl Marx's beard covering the sun!
Fallen: Considering this depiction of Celestia, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Where art this Rainbow Dash thou speaketh of?"
Fluttershy: Princess Luna? How is she in the story?
"I'm right here, sweetie."
They both turned around. A cyan pegasus with rainbow-colored mane was lying on a cloud a few feet above them, winking at Twilight and licking her lips while wiggling her hips in a seductive manner.
Twilight: Sweet princess, you were right.
Fallen: That tends to happen a lot.
"You called me?" She asked in a sultry voice.
"Why yes you obvious lesbian," Twilight groaned.
Twilight: And there’s the only thing the story got right about me. I’m groaning at this.
"You said you would have the sky completely free of clouds for the celebration, but all I'm seeing up there is the kind of shit I find under my bed when I don't clean it for weeks."
Fallen: That didn’t last long.
Rainbow Dash descended form her cloud and got so close to the unicorn's face they could practically touch. The pegasus brought a hoof up and caressed the other mare's mane while eliciting a soft moan. "All your talk of beds and dirty things interests me... Greatly," she said slowly before smirking. "I like that."
Fluttershy: Normally saying something interests you already implies that you like it.
Twilight grew increasingly nervous. For the mighty Fuck's sake, she's too close for comfort... With her face smelling of daisies and wonderfully... Proportioned... Nostrils!
Twilight: ...really? The nostrils and the smell of her face?
She composed herself and batted Rainbow's hoof away.
"Listen you walking gay pride poster," the unicorn growled. "You can make your not at all welcome advances on me later,
Fallen: “Is that a promise?”
but right now i want this cloud gone before the Princess comes, or she'll... Uh, uh... FORCE YOU TO HAVE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH A STALLION INSTEAD!!!"
Rainbow gasped in horror and fell onto her knees.
Fallen: Wow. Just how much of a homosexual is she?
"No, please! Anything but that! In my entire life have I been feeding on female cum juices, gaining my sweet prize by seducing and fucking every mare I could come across! It is my life force, the water that fills my Holy Grail, my ambrosium, my nectar from the Gods of sexuality! It is my curse and my divine gift, that can only be tainted by the most vile of substances; semen, the only concotion known to ponykind that can kill me! Please do not impose this cruelty upon me; I'll do anything! I will be your slave, serving your every bidding and even taking flaccid dildos up the ass while I'm bound in leather to a chair made of labial lips!" The pegasus paused briefly in her rant. "Actually, that would be pretty hot. But still! Please do not punish me so unescessarily! Anything but such impunity!"
Twilight and Fluttershy: …
Fallen: ...I need to stop talking.
Twilight Sparkle cackled like a maniac towards the unfortunate mare lying in front of her and raised her hooves while lightning descended from the heavens, crackling loudly across the sky.
Fluttershy: (gulp)
Fallen: What’s wrong with her?
Twilight: Gala flashbacks, I think.
She leaned in closely.
"Anything, you say?"
"Yes! Anything!"
Fallen: “Spread ‘em.”
"Alright then. Clear out those clouds, and then I have something in store for you, something that I think you'll like..."
The terrified pegasus nodded vigorously. "Y- yes, mistress..."
Fallen: Heil Hagan!
Twilight: What the hay does that even mean?
Fallen: Shut up and leave me to my obscure references.
Rainbow Dash tried to wiggle herself free from the sofa in vain; the cords and the metal cage holding her eyes open were simply too strong.
Fallen: And now it sounds like “Cupcakes” crossed with A Clockwork Orange.
The television in front of her sprung to life, the harsh illumination in complete opposition to darkness of the room she was trapped in. She widened her eyes in shock at the screen.
That's professor Snape. Is he... Oh god, his penis looks so much like roquefort... Wha- Oh god no, that's Tinky Winky! No, no, nononono... OH SWEET MOLESTIA THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE!!! LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT-
Fallen: You know... the description warned about Teletubbies. I should’ve seen that coming.
Fallen: And now it sounds like “Cupcakes” crossed with A Clockwork Orange.
The television in front of her sprung to life, the harsh illumination in complete opposition to darkness of the room she was trapped in. She widened her eyes in shock at the screen.
That's professor Snape. Is he... Oh god, his penis looks so much like roquefort... Wha- Oh god no, that's Tinky Winky! No, no, nononono... OH SWEET MOLESTIA THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO GO IN THERE!!! LET ME OUT, LET ME OUT-
Fallen: You know... the description warned about Teletubbies. I should’ve seen that coming.
A madly grinning Twilight Sparkle walked down the street towards the Carousel boutique, a disgruntled Spike in tow.
"My dear, there is a fine line between kinky punishment and barbarism," Spike stated.
Twilight: “Thin, but fine.”
"Letting that mare watch a cartoon specifically designed by the Chinese to traumatize and brainwash our youth
Fallen: …seems legit.
is one matter, but forcing others to watch Rule 34 of it is without a doubt an act so terrible it makes Caligula look like a charitable and jolly pleasant fellow. You could be sent to the Hague tribunal for crimes against Existence itself, you know."
Fluttershy: What would even count as a crime against existence?
Fallen: I would imagine dividing by zero is one.
"Nah, I would probably be shot on sight and then let crows feast on my insides while a legless black man played the tuba," his slave driver answered matter-of-factly.
Fluttershy: That’s... um... oddly specific...
"But enough of that. We only have to inspect the clothing and the music, and then we can stop Mooning Nightmare."
Fallen: Because those actions have everything to do with each other.
They entered the boutique. Contrary to the farm, this place was immaculately clean, with several magnificent well-designed dresses sparkling with gems hanging neatly in displays. The indigo walls were adorned with beautiful decorations in various pleasant colors.
"Finally someone who hopefully has some class in this incestual town," Twilight said and smiled in appreciation.
Twilight: I don’t think the glimpse of Sweet Apple Acres would be enough to make me believe the entire town was like that.
The supposed owner of the shop descended down the stairs. Spike gasped in awe. The unicorn in question was a beautiful mare, with a bright white coat and a perfectly combed, twirly purple mane. Ocean blue eyes stared into the dragon's soul and melted his heart, making him fill up with all sorts of conflicting feelings.
"'Sup, foo?"
Fallen: Oh god, she’s Mr. T.
Then he died.
The unicorn approached Twilight and high-hoofed her. The purple mare returned the gesture with some suspicion.
Fluttershy: What’s so suspicious about that?
Twilight: Pinkie never used a joy buzzer on you?
Fluttershy: No, never. Why?
Twilight: ...no reason.
"Don't ya just stand there, gurl," the owner exclaimed in a very broad accent and patted her on the back. "My crib is yo crib! Welcome to Rarity's boutique, nigga! Where everythin' is chic, unique and magnifique an' all that shit!"
Fallen: I can only think of Skids and Mudflap from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
"Uh, yes, I can see that," Twilight chuckled nervously. Canterlot citizens usually looked down upon the whole nigger culture,
Fallen: Who the fuck in their right mind would write this!?
and Molestia's student was no different. This creature didn't seem too invasive in her opinion though: maybe they weren't all that bad.
Rarity led them deeper into the shop. To Twilight's surprise, Tupac was sitting on a chair in the corner, reading through the latest edition of "Da Hoodz magazine."
Twilight: I fail to see what the point of-
Fallen: What.
Twilight: ...I’ll just assume it’s a human thing, then.
He bore a heavy gold chain with the words "Warrior" hanging from it over his sleeveless shirt and a cap.
"Tupac?" Twilight gasped. "But... You're dead!"
Fallen: Nope. Hiding in the same place as Elvis.
"Nuh uh brutha," the black ex-rapper shook his head. "The God almighty gave this nigga a second chance in spreadin' the luv here in Equestria, an' imma do my part in serving the Lord, see? Rarity here," he pointed towards the mare, who gave him a quick "yo" as a greeting, "she understands my philosophy, see? We gonna spread the word on the streets, and all the cats out there are gonna hear it."
Fluttershy: What could they possibly teach kittens that would benefit society?
Fallen: Nothing whatsoever.
"Amen brotha," the white unicorn stated before sharing a brofist-hoof with Tupac.
"S' right. Ain't no one."
There was a cry outside and a loud gunshot, followed by several shouts.
Twilight: Is Apple Bloom back in the story?
"Gimme ya money, bitch! Dontcha try anything stupid!" A painfully white voice was heard.
"Help! A wild wigger is robbing me!"
Fallen: “Go, Charizard!”
Tupac shot up from the sofa and adorned a pair of black sunglasses before turning towards the ponies in the room.
"The streets are cryin' for help against the crackheads, an' Tupac's gonna answer that cry!"
Fluttershy: Why couldn’t he have helped those poor orphans?
Fallen: Because plot.
Then he pulled out two Glocks, jumped out of the window by smashing it and rode away on a bike towards the commotion. Rarity wiped away a tear.
"Go on an' make me proud brutha," she whispered. "Ain't no one."
Fallen: I’m trying to imagine Rarity speaking in ebonics, and I just can’t.
"My dear, there is a fine line between kinky punishment and barbarism," Spike stated.
Twilight: “Thin, but fine.”
"Letting that mare watch a cartoon specifically designed by the Chinese to traumatize and brainwash our youth
Fallen: …seems legit.
is one matter, but forcing others to watch Rule 34 of it is without a doubt an act so terrible it makes Caligula look like a charitable and jolly pleasant fellow. You could be sent to the Hague tribunal for crimes against Existence itself, you know."
Fluttershy: What would even count as a crime against existence?
Fallen: I would imagine dividing by zero is one.
"Nah, I would probably be shot on sight and then let crows feast on my insides while a legless black man played the tuba," his slave driver answered matter-of-factly.
Fluttershy: That’s... um... oddly specific...
"But enough of that. We only have to inspect the clothing and the music, and then we can stop Mooning Nightmare."
Fallen: Because those actions have everything to do with each other.
They entered the boutique. Contrary to the farm, this place was immaculately clean, with several magnificent well-designed dresses sparkling with gems hanging neatly in displays. The indigo walls were adorned with beautiful decorations in various pleasant colors.
"Finally someone who hopefully has some class in this incestual town," Twilight said and smiled in appreciation.
Twilight: I don’t think the glimpse of Sweet Apple Acres would be enough to make me believe the entire town was like that.
The supposed owner of the shop descended down the stairs. Spike gasped in awe. The unicorn in question was a beautiful mare, with a bright white coat and a perfectly combed, twirly purple mane. Ocean blue eyes stared into the dragon's soul and melted his heart, making him fill up with all sorts of conflicting feelings.
"'Sup, foo?"
Fallen: Oh god, she’s Mr. T.
Then he died.
The unicorn approached Twilight and high-hoofed her. The purple mare returned the gesture with some suspicion.
Fluttershy: What’s so suspicious about that?
Twilight: Pinkie never used a joy buzzer on you?
Fluttershy: No, never. Why?
Twilight: ...no reason.
"Don't ya just stand there, gurl," the owner exclaimed in a very broad accent and patted her on the back. "My crib is yo crib! Welcome to Rarity's boutique, nigga! Where everythin' is chic, unique and magnifique an' all that shit!"
Fallen: I can only think of Skids and Mudflap from Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
"Uh, yes, I can see that," Twilight chuckled nervously. Canterlot citizens usually looked down upon the whole nigger culture,
Fallen: Who the fuck in their right mind would write this!?
and Molestia's student was no different. This creature didn't seem too invasive in her opinion though: maybe they weren't all that bad.
Rarity led them deeper into the shop. To Twilight's surprise, Tupac was sitting on a chair in the corner, reading through the latest edition of "Da Hoodz magazine."
Twilight: I fail to see what the point of-
Fallen: What.
Twilight: ...I’ll just assume it’s a human thing, then.
He bore a heavy gold chain with the words "Warrior" hanging from it over his sleeveless shirt and a cap.
"Tupac?" Twilight gasped. "But... You're dead!"
Fallen: Nope. Hiding in the same place as Elvis.
"Nuh uh brutha," the black ex-rapper shook his head. "The God almighty gave this nigga a second chance in spreadin' the luv here in Equestria, an' imma do my part in serving the Lord, see? Rarity here," he pointed towards the mare, who gave him a quick "yo" as a greeting, "she understands my philosophy, see? We gonna spread the word on the streets, and all the cats out there are gonna hear it."
Fluttershy: What could they possibly teach kittens that would benefit society?
Fallen: Nothing whatsoever.
"Amen brotha," the white unicorn stated before sharing a brofist-hoof with Tupac.
"S' right. Ain't no one."
There was a cry outside and a loud gunshot, followed by several shouts.
Twilight: Is Apple Bloom back in the story?
"Gimme ya money, bitch! Dontcha try anything stupid!" A painfully white voice was heard.
"Help! A wild wigger is robbing me!"
Fallen: “Go, Charizard!”
Tupac shot up from the sofa and adorned a pair of black sunglasses before turning towards the ponies in the room.
"The streets are cryin' for help against the crackheads, an' Tupac's gonna answer that cry!"
Fluttershy: Why couldn’t he have helped those poor orphans?
Fallen: Because plot.
Then he pulled out two Glocks, jumped out of the window by smashing it and rode away on a bike towards the commotion. Rarity wiped away a tear.
"Go on an' make me proud brutha," she whispered. "Ain't no one."
Fallen: I’m trying to imagine Rarity speaking in ebonics, and I just can’t.
It took Twilight a while to get her hands on the Necronomicon and revive Spike
Fallen: Did she say “klaatu barada nikto” first?
before they pressed on to the cottage outside of town. The dragon had desperately tried to get his hands on a Bible to "pray the black away"
Twilight: Did that just say-
Fallen: It did. Don’t pay it any mind.
(that fucking closet Westboro baptist), but his search was fruitless.
As they arrived towards the secluded house on the hill, they marveled at how idyllic the place was. Little critters skipped around and chased each others playfully while birds chirped in the tree branches.
Fluttershy: Oh no...
Fallen: Shit, right, this is your scene.
Fluttershy: I want to go home...
Several beautiful singing voices could be heard coming from a field nearby. The duo emerged into it and saw a canary-yellow pegasus with a pink mane conducting several singing birds, all perfectly whistling a tune that echoed across the calm nature.
Almost all the birds. One of them kept screeching more than making any melodic sounds at all.
Fallen: It was singing “Down with the Sickness” while the other birds were on “Call Me Maybe.”
The pegasus mare stopped them to correct the offending bird. That's when Twilight decided to approach her. The mare heard her approaching and turned to face Twilight, a smile gracing her features that could sooth Belzebub himself.
"Oh, hello," the pegasus said. Her voice was very gentle.
Twilight: Wait. Fluttershy, you were a nervous wreck when you first met me!
Fluttershy: Please don’t remind me.
"Sorry to disturb you now, but I couldn't simply interrupt the music. That was wonderful!"
The mare's smile grew a bit wider. "Oh, well thank you. We've been practicing hard for the celebration, and everyone is trying their hardest for the performance." She extended her hoof. "I'm Fluttershy." The unicorn shook it.
Fallen: Oh, she’s gonna do something.
Fluttershy: I can’t look...
"Twilight Sparkle, pleasure to meet you. I was sent here to oversee the preparations, but everything seems to be in order here."
"Well, thank you."
Spike brought up the scroll and checked her off while Twilight yawned and streched herself. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll head back to town. It's been a busy day."
"But of course," Fluttershy nodded in understanding. "See you at the celebration then."
Fluttershy: ...really? That’s it?
What a pleasant filly, Twilight mused as she and Spike walked back to Ponyville. At least someone's sane in this town.
Fluttershy: Wow. I guess this story is improving after all!
Fluttershy watched Molestia's envoys disappear behind the trees and turned towards the bird that had sung out of tune. It shrunk back in fear.
"Now now little birdy," the pegasus grinned wickedly. "You've been a bad wittle cwitter and deserve to be punished..."
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Way to jinx it.
She took out a long, sharp knife and sliced the bird in two parts vertically, spilling blood and intestines all over the field. Fluttershy proceeded to yank out the eyeballs with her weapon and shove them into each lung by puncturing them, spraying even more gore across the grass in a small fountain of red. Then she ripped out the guts, hacked them up and forced the remains down the other mortified birds' throats as capital punishment. Fluttershy moaned in excitement as she inserted the two corpse halves into her vag and pumped, spraying female orgasm juices all over it after several minutes of self-pleasuring.
Fluttershy: I don’t want to live on this planet anymore... (faints)
Twilight: I... I can’t.
And I did not just make a retarded necrophiliac parody of Cupcakes. Nuh uh.
Fallen: Fuck it, we’re taking another break. I think we’ve earned it.
Fallen: Did she say “klaatu barada nikto” first?
before they pressed on to the cottage outside of town. The dragon had desperately tried to get his hands on a Bible to "pray the black away"
Twilight: Did that just say-
Fallen: It did. Don’t pay it any mind.
(that fucking closet Westboro baptist), but his search was fruitless.
As they arrived towards the secluded house on the hill, they marveled at how idyllic the place was. Little critters skipped around and chased each others playfully while birds chirped in the tree branches.
Fluttershy: Oh no...
Fallen: Shit, right, this is your scene.
Fluttershy: I want to go home...
Several beautiful singing voices could be heard coming from a field nearby. The duo emerged into it and saw a canary-yellow pegasus with a pink mane conducting several singing birds, all perfectly whistling a tune that echoed across the calm nature.
Almost all the birds. One of them kept screeching more than making any melodic sounds at all.
Fallen: It was singing “Down with the Sickness” while the other birds were on “Call Me Maybe.”
The pegasus mare stopped them to correct the offending bird. That's when Twilight decided to approach her. The mare heard her approaching and turned to face Twilight, a smile gracing her features that could sooth Belzebub himself.
"Oh, hello," the pegasus said. Her voice was very gentle.
Twilight: Wait. Fluttershy, you were a nervous wreck when you first met me!
Fluttershy: Please don’t remind me.
"Sorry to disturb you now, but I couldn't simply interrupt the music. That was wonderful!"
The mare's smile grew a bit wider. "Oh, well thank you. We've been practicing hard for the celebration, and everyone is trying their hardest for the performance." She extended her hoof. "I'm Fluttershy." The unicorn shook it.
Fallen: Oh, she’s gonna do something.
Fluttershy: I can’t look...
"Twilight Sparkle, pleasure to meet you. I was sent here to oversee the preparations, but everything seems to be in order here."
"Well, thank you."
Spike brought up the scroll and checked her off while Twilight yawned and streched herself. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'll head back to town. It's been a busy day."
"But of course," Fluttershy nodded in understanding. "See you at the celebration then."
Fluttershy: ...really? That’s it?
What a pleasant filly, Twilight mused as she and Spike walked back to Ponyville. At least someone's sane in this town.
Fluttershy: Wow. I guess this story is improving after all!
Fluttershy watched Molestia's envoys disappear behind the trees and turned towards the bird that had sung out of tune. It shrunk back in fear.
"Now now little birdy," the pegasus grinned wickedly. "You've been a bad wittle cwitter and deserve to be punished..."
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Way to jinx it.
She took out a long, sharp knife and sliced the bird in two parts vertically, spilling blood and intestines all over the field. Fluttershy proceeded to yank out the eyeballs with her weapon and shove them into each lung by puncturing them, spraying even more gore across the grass in a small fountain of red. Then she ripped out the guts, hacked them up and forced the remains down the other mortified birds' throats as capital punishment. Fluttershy moaned in excitement as she inserted the two corpse halves into her vag and pumped, spraying female orgasm juices all over it after several minutes of self-pleasuring.
Fluttershy: I don’t want to live on this planet anymore... (faints)
Twilight: I... I can’t.
And I did not just make a retarded necrophiliac parody of Cupcakes. Nuh uh.
Fallen: Fuck it, we’re taking another break. I think we’ve earned it.
Fallen: Well, I don’t think we can do anything until Fluttershy stops being unconscious.
Twilight: I envy her right now.
Fallen: So do I. This story is the ultimate bastardization of all your personalities.
Twilight: I know! Not one pony in this was represented correctly!
Fallen: Let’s break it down. First of all, it’s turned you into an apathetic, intolerant slave driver with unholy anger issues.
Twilight: Spike seems more like a high-class butler than a slave, but he’s no better than the story’s version of me is.
Fallen: Princess Celestia is... well, she’s Molestia with a penis. Not much more to it than that.
Twilight: I don’t even know what’s going on with Pinkie Pie, though I suspect the surprise party scene will ruin that for me.
Fallen: Applejack and Apple Bloom are every negative Southern stereotype in the book, and Rainbow Dash is basically the lesbian to end all lesbians.
Twilight: Rarity looks to be an African American stereotype for some impossible reason, and Fluttershy...
Fallen: Bride of SAM!Big Macintosh?
Twilight: My thoughts exactly.
Fallen: I’m just in shock that anyone could let this see the light of day on FIMFiction. It’s better-written than some of the bullshit either of us have to put up with, but-
Twilight: “Either of us?” Does Pinkie Pie make you do this on a regular basis too?
Fallen: Not Pinkie, no. But riffing is far from new to me. In fact, I imagine there are some stories I’ve seen that you can’t even fathom. Ever read “Prayer Ponies: Friendship is Through Jesus?”
Twilight: Wait, what?
Fallen: Exactly. And trust me, if you’d read that, you’d know just how bad Fluttershy’s characterization can be butchered.
Twilight: What makes that story worse than what I’ve read?
Fallen: It’s not worse, per se, but it’s on par with it. And that’s due to a combination of the subject matter and the fact that the author had basically never seen the show.
Twilight: How bad could that have been?
Fallen: Bitchy Fluttershy, friend-ditching Pinkie, literally demonic “Celestica,” and Rainbow Dash as a boy dating Applejack. That good enough for you?
Twilight: ...oh. I almost feel sorry for you. Not quite, just almost. Why did we even start talking about that story anyway?
Fallen: Well, because-
(Fluttershy starts to stir on the ground.)
Fallen: Looks like Fluttershy’s starting to come to. Which means we’ll be starting back up soon.
Fluttershy: Hng... Did... Did I miss anything?
Twilight: No, you didn’t.
Fluttershy: FUCK!
Fallen: What?
Fluttershy: Nothing.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Twilight: I envy her right now.
Fallen: So do I. This story is the ultimate bastardization of all your personalities.
Twilight: I know! Not one pony in this was represented correctly!
Fallen: Let’s break it down. First of all, it’s turned you into an apathetic, intolerant slave driver with unholy anger issues.
Twilight: Spike seems more like a high-class butler than a slave, but he’s no better than the story’s version of me is.
Fallen: Princess Celestia is... well, she’s Molestia with a penis. Not much more to it than that.
Twilight: I don’t even know what’s going on with Pinkie Pie, though I suspect the surprise party scene will ruin that for me.
Fallen: Applejack and Apple Bloom are every negative Southern stereotype in the book, and Rainbow Dash is basically the lesbian to end all lesbians.
Twilight: Rarity looks to be an African American stereotype for some impossible reason, and Fluttershy...
Fallen: Bride of SAM!Big Macintosh?
Twilight: My thoughts exactly.
Fallen: I’m just in shock that anyone could let this see the light of day on FIMFiction. It’s better-written than some of the bullshit either of us have to put up with, but-
Twilight: “Either of us?” Does Pinkie Pie make you do this on a regular basis too?
Fallen: Not Pinkie, no. But riffing is far from new to me. In fact, I imagine there are some stories I’ve seen that you can’t even fathom. Ever read “Prayer Ponies: Friendship is Through Jesus?”
Twilight: Wait, what?
Fallen: Exactly. And trust me, if you’d read that, you’d know just how bad Fluttershy’s characterization can be butchered.
Twilight: What makes that story worse than what I’ve read?
Fallen: It’s not worse, per se, but it’s on par with it. And that’s due to a combination of the subject matter and the fact that the author had basically never seen the show.
Twilight: How bad could that have been?
Fallen: Bitchy Fluttershy, friend-ditching Pinkie, literally demonic “Celestica,” and Rainbow Dash as a boy dating Applejack. That good enough for you?
Twilight: ...oh. I almost feel sorry for you. Not quite, just almost. Why did we even start talking about that story anyway?
Fallen: Well, because-
(Fluttershy starts to stir on the ground.)
Fallen: Looks like Fluttershy’s starting to come to. Which means we’ll be starting back up soon.
Fluttershy: Hng... Did... Did I miss anything?
Twilight: No, you didn’t.
Fluttershy: FUCK!
Fallen: What?
Fluttershy: Nothing.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Twilight and Spike entered the library (which was in a tree, by the way, as you might have not known, cause that's how things are in Ponyville),
Fallen: I think anyone reading this is already familiar with Twilight’s library.
which had been set up as her base of operations in the town by royal decree.
"Finally home," she sighed. "I've spent all day running around and dealing with a pedo creature born from the bowels of 4chan,
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Fluttershy: What does?
Fallen: Trust me, that’s the LAST thing I want to explain to you.
an incestual redneck family, a lesbian slut and a negro unicorn that is housing the still living Tupac. I'm getting too old for this shit."
Fallen: How old is “too old for this shit?”
Twilight: In this case? Right from birth.
"Twilight dear, you are barely of legal age, not implying it pornographically," Spike stated.
"Shut the fuck up gentleasshole," the unicorn growled.
Fallen: “Gentleasshole.” That’s a new one.
"I've always wanted to say that, and I'm damn well gonna say it. Now let's do what's actually important and find the Elements to stop Mooning Nightmare."
She pushed the door open.
Twilight: Opening the door was vital in the process of saving Equestria from eternal night.
"SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA!"
Twilight was pushed back by the force of the shouting.
Twilight: Wow. You may have been right about Luna, Fluttershy.
When she got back on her feet, her eyes widened and she dropped her jaw at the sight. The library was filled with ponies partying their flanks off, with the usual festivity clichés going on like unsober ponies lying on the floor, couples fucking in the bathroom,
Fluttershy: Doesn’t Pinkie have standards for her parties? I don’t think she would allow that...
loud obnoxious music and even a drunken fight or two. A large banner hang from the ceiling, with the words "Welcome to Ponyville" stenciled upon it. Also, someone had used a red marker to draw a squirting penis on the banner with the words "twolgt spakl suks dic" written under.
Twilight: Tasteless. If you’re going to offend me, at least learn to spell!
The pink tornado of destruction that was called Pinkie Pie twirled across the room and stopped a few inches in front of Twilight's face, who was unnervingly reminded of Rainbow Dash's little teasing.
Those... Damn... Nostrils!
Fallen: Seriously, what’s with you and nostrils?
Twilight: I don’t have a thing for nostrils! This story’s just messed up!
Pinkie took a deep breath before verbally assaulting Twilight. "Nuclearweaponsdeliverythetechnologyandsystemsusedtobringanuclearweapontoitstargetisanimportantaspectofnuclearweaponsrelatingbothtonuclearweapondesignandnuclearstrategyadditionallydevelopmentandmaintenanceofdeliveryoptionsisamongthemostresourceintensiveaspectsofanuclearweaponsprogramaccordingtooneestimatedeploymentcostsaccountedfor57%ofthetotalfinancialresourcesspentbytheunitedstatesinrelationtonuclearweaponssince1940-"
Fallen: (taking notes) Slow down! Is this on the test?
Applejack shoved an apple into Pinkie's mouth to silence her. It tasted like raisins.
Fallen: Then there’s something seriously wrong with the apple.
"Pinkie, don't ya scare our guest off. Ah'm done with brother now, so you can have a go if ya want."
Fluttershy: I thought the Apples didn’t like Pinkie Pie.
The pink pony gasped before flying to the toilets, loudly proclaiming "I am watching you pee!" and then fell up the stairs to the bedroom. The cowmare chuckled at her antics before pulling up Twilight, who was lying on the ground. The unicorn eyes were lazily spinning around.
Fallen: And suddenly, force-justified.
"Error, Windows has encountered an error and must now delete System 32," she slurred. "Are you sure you want to proceed?" She returned back to normal and shook her head. "Holy Molestia of Nazareth,
Fallen: Sacrilege is funny!
what the flying fuck just happened?"
"Eh, that's just Pinkie for ya," the orange pony answered her before smiling widely at her. "Well c'mon in! We've got drinks, LSD-"
Twilight: Okay, now it’s REALLY not a Pinkie party. She doesn’t bring drugs!
"How'd it get burned?" A stallion at the far side of the room shouted. "How'd it get burned?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED??!!"
Fallen: Christ, a Wicker Man reference...
"-Yep, and sum' pleasant company. It's all gonna be dandy!"
Twilight seethed with barely contained irritation. "I don't have time for this shit!" She hissed through gritted teeth before rudely pushing Applejack out of the way. "I've got a world to save and you inbreds keep stalling me!"
Fluttershy: If I may... you should try explaining what you’re trying to do before yelling at ponies for getting in the way of it.
Spike followed her into one of the unoccupied rooms of the library. She slammed the door shut.
"Gee, what's her problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, having witnessed the whole affair from afar.
"Dunno pardner, but she sure ain't friendly."
Fallen: Wonder what gave them that impression.
They stayed there in silence for a while. Suddenly, Rainbow smacked Applejack on the ass.
"OW! Ya rascal!"
"That's what you get for calling me a fag earlier today, bitch!"
Twilight: It’s a derogatory statement, I know, but in this case, isn’t it a true one?
"Imma mighty tired of ya ways, Rainbow! If I had mah shotgun, ya would be full of holes!"
"Oh yeah? Try me then! Try me-"
Then they made out.
Fallen: Well, now I have no idea what these characters are supposed to be like. Consistency is beneath this story.
Fallen: I think anyone reading this is already familiar with Twilight’s library.
which had been set up as her base of operations in the town by royal decree.
"Finally home," she sighed. "I've spent all day running around and dealing with a pedo creature born from the bowels of 4chan,
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Fluttershy: What does?
Fallen: Trust me, that’s the LAST thing I want to explain to you.
an incestual redneck family, a lesbian slut and a negro unicorn that is housing the still living Tupac. I'm getting too old for this shit."
Fallen: How old is “too old for this shit?”
Twilight: In this case? Right from birth.
"Twilight dear, you are barely of legal age, not implying it pornographically," Spike stated.
"Shut the fuck up gentleasshole," the unicorn growled.
Fallen: “Gentleasshole.” That’s a new one.
"I've always wanted to say that, and I'm damn well gonna say it. Now let's do what's actually important and find the Elements to stop Mooning Nightmare."
She pushed the door open.
Twilight: Opening the door was vital in the process of saving Equestria from eternal night.
"SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKA!"
Twilight was pushed back by the force of the shouting.
Twilight: Wow. You may have been right about Luna, Fluttershy.
When she got back on her feet, her eyes widened and she dropped her jaw at the sight. The library was filled with ponies partying their flanks off, with the usual festivity clichés going on like unsober ponies lying on the floor, couples fucking in the bathroom,
Fluttershy: Doesn’t Pinkie have standards for her parties? I don’t think she would allow that...
loud obnoxious music and even a drunken fight or two. A large banner hang from the ceiling, with the words "Welcome to Ponyville" stenciled upon it. Also, someone had used a red marker to draw a squirting penis on the banner with the words "twolgt spakl suks dic" written under.
Twilight: Tasteless. If you’re going to offend me, at least learn to spell!
The pink tornado of destruction that was called Pinkie Pie twirled across the room and stopped a few inches in front of Twilight's face, who was unnervingly reminded of Rainbow Dash's little teasing.
Those... Damn... Nostrils!
Fallen: Seriously, what’s with you and nostrils?
Twilight: I don’t have a thing for nostrils! This story’s just messed up!
Pinkie took a deep breath before verbally assaulting Twilight. "Nuclearweaponsdeliverythetechnologyandsystemsusedtobringanuclearweapontoitstargetisanimportantaspectofnuclearweaponsrelatingbothtonuclearweapondesignandnuclearstrategyadditionallydevelopmentandmaintenanceofdeliveryoptionsisamongthemostresourceintensiveaspectsofanuclearweaponsprogramaccordingtooneestimatedeploymentcostsaccountedfor57%ofthetotalfinancialresourcesspentbytheunitedstatesinrelationtonuclearweaponssince1940-"
Fallen: (taking notes) Slow down! Is this on the test?
Applejack shoved an apple into Pinkie's mouth to silence her. It tasted like raisins.
Fallen: Then there’s something seriously wrong with the apple.
"Pinkie, don't ya scare our guest off. Ah'm done with brother now, so you can have a go if ya want."
Fluttershy: I thought the Apples didn’t like Pinkie Pie.
The pink pony gasped before flying to the toilets, loudly proclaiming "I am watching you pee!" and then fell up the stairs to the bedroom. The cowmare chuckled at her antics before pulling up Twilight, who was lying on the ground. The unicorn eyes were lazily spinning around.
Fallen: And suddenly, force-justified.
"Error, Windows has encountered an error and must now delete System 32," she slurred. "Are you sure you want to proceed?" She returned back to normal and shook her head. "Holy Molestia of Nazareth,
Fallen: Sacrilege is funny!
what the flying fuck just happened?"
"Eh, that's just Pinkie for ya," the orange pony answered her before smiling widely at her. "Well c'mon in! We've got drinks, LSD-"
Twilight: Okay, now it’s REALLY not a Pinkie party. She doesn’t bring drugs!
"How'd it get burned?" A stallion at the far side of the room shouted. "How'd it get burned?!! HOW'D IT GET BURNED??!!"
Fallen: Christ, a Wicker Man reference...
"-Yep, and sum' pleasant company. It's all gonna be dandy!"
Twilight seethed with barely contained irritation. "I don't have time for this shit!" She hissed through gritted teeth before rudely pushing Applejack out of the way. "I've got a world to save and you inbreds keep stalling me!"
Fluttershy: If I may... you should try explaining what you’re trying to do before yelling at ponies for getting in the way of it.
Spike followed her into one of the unoccupied rooms of the library. She slammed the door shut.
"Gee, what's her problem?" Rainbow Dash asked, having witnessed the whole affair from afar.
"Dunno pardner, but she sure ain't friendly."
Fallen: Wonder what gave them that impression.
They stayed there in silence for a while. Suddenly, Rainbow smacked Applejack on the ass.
"OW! Ya rascal!"
"That's what you get for calling me a fag earlier today, bitch!"
Twilight: It’s a derogatory statement, I know, but in this case, isn’t it a true one?
"Imma mighty tired of ya ways, Rainbow! If I had mah shotgun, ya would be full of holes!"
"Oh yeah? Try me then! Try me-"
Then they made out.
Fallen: Well, now I have no idea what these characters are supposed to be like. Consistency is beneath this story.
"...Onee vialeth of witchs bloodeth, thou has onceth procured oneth peneth ofeth the elketh, grindeth it withethhth a pesteleth and mortareth. Andth thiseth howeth youeth maketh metheth."
Fallen: Cooking Methamphetamines in Old English, written by Princess Luna and Walter White.
Twilight threw away the book in frustration which promptly collided with Spike's head.
"Damn it! Not a single book references the location of the Elements of Harmony! This is hopeless!"
Twilight: Um... the guide specifically about the Elements of Harmony? Have you tried that?
The dragon assistant as meanwhile muttering something under his breath and rubbing his head. "At least your aim isn't hopeless, darling."
She skimmed through the books again.
No... No... Nothing... No... AHA! I knew it!
Twilight pulled out a volume entitled "Where to find the Elements of Harmony" from the pile and read through it.
Maybe this book could give me a clue!
Fallen: Or it could just blatantly tell you where they are.
She opened up the first page.
"The Princess arrives!" A guard exclaimed from the main room. Twilight groaned in frustration and put the book back into the shelf, memorizing its location before trotting out to witness Molestia's arrival.
Fallen: Wow, actual restraint. That was the perfect opportunity for a “Molestia is coming” joke.
All of the ponies were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their beloved monarch. The mayor of Ponyville trotted up to the altar and cleared her throat before beggining her speech.
"Fillies and gentlecolts-"
"YEAH!!! YOU ROCK!!!"
Twilight: And now she knows how it feels to be interrupted in the middle of a speech. (sticks tongue out at story)
"Why thank you," she smiled. "it is a great honor to-"
"I MEAN IT! YOU ROCK!"
"Yes, well, it is a great honor to-"
"GODDAMN, COUGAR! YOU'RE HOT!"
Fluttershy: All these cats in odd contexts...
Fallen: Do you seriously not know what any of this means?
The mayor visibly blushed. "Eh, uh, well..."
"SHOW ME SOME ASS!!!"
The mayor was now hiding her burning cheeks from the crowd. A couple of guards escorted the disturbing colt out of the room, who continuedly kept screaming obscenities and praising the mayor's "dat ass."
Twilight: GRAMMAR DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Fallen: Calm your tits, Sparkle. This is the home stretch; stop your bitching and fight your way through it.
She regained her composture
Fallen: COMPOSTURE’S NOT A WORD, YOU SACK OF-
Fluttershy: Stop that! Both of you! Um... please.
and cleared her throat again.
"As I said, it is a great honor-"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA!!!"
Fallen: Most necessary use of spaces ever.
"Oh for fuck's sake!" The mayor bellowed and stormed down the stage. Too late she realized who stood on the balcony above her. When she noticed the shocked expressions of the other ponies, she turned around and gasped.
Fallen: “It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!”
Towering above the crowd stood an alicorn black as night, with snake-like eyes gazing down deviously at the fearful ponies. She was adorned in silvery armor, covering her horn and chest, while her dark blue mane and tail waved in the air with stars sparkling in them.
Also she had a huge ass that could rival the mayor's.
Twilight: Was the whole point of those jokes to set up that reveal?
Fluttershy: I think so.
In short, Mooning Nightmare had arrived.
She bellowed another stereotypical villain laugh. Lightning descended from the heavens and the souls of undead infants and german fatsos clad in bratwurst suits singing songs about rye bread screamed overhead,
Fallen: And this is... normal?
Twilight: Mostly during the dry seasons, yeah.
terrifying the ponies and forcing into cover.
"Whores and gentlepimps! I, Mooning Nightmare, haveth returned from mine banishment on the moon, and shalt overthrow the rule of thine tyrant Molestia! Under my rule, there shalt be nothing but eternal night, and mountains worth of anal rape! For I am... MOONING NIGHTMARE!!!"
Fallen: Huh. “Gentleasshole” isn’t labeled as being spelt wrong in Google Docs, but “gentlepimp” is. I don’t know what’s happening with this language anymore.
She flashed her ass towards the crowd as more lightning cracked overhead. Rainbow Dash orgasmed.
Fallen: Rainbow Dash: fastest lover in Equestria. Finishes before you start!
"You won't get away with this, you toilet slut!" Twilight challenged. "Molestia will come and fuck you up the butthole like a french prostitute Mooning, remenber that!"
Twilight: I’m trying and failing to find words I would ever use on a day-to-day basis in my dialogue here.
"And yet, I doth not see her in thine presence," the ruler of night and asses countered with a smirk.
There was a long silence weighting on the room: nobody dared to move. Mooning Nightmare laughed again and even more lightning fell down onto the ground. She looked up.
"Hey! I told you to tone down with the fucking lightning!"
Fluttershy: So somepony makes the lightning for her?
She turned back to the ponies below. "Well then, pray tell, where dost thou beloved monarch reside, hmm? Feh! Thine cowardly ruler has fled! And now I shall rule these lands as my own!"
She stopped in mid-stride and cursed. "Damn it! My obligatory anus sex toys! I forgot them!
All: WHAT.
Oh well, this shall not take long." Then the dreaded mistress of the night and asses spread (lol)
Fallen: (facepalm X5 combo)
Twilight: (facehoof X4 combo)
Fluttershy: (overused joke X7 combo)
her wings and took off into the sky.
The crowd erupted into a panic.
"No! She's gonna buttrape us!"
"I don't wanna die!"
"My ears are pointy!"
Fluttershy: “The sky is falling!”
Twilight: “The calls are coming from inside the house!”
Fallen: “I live in a giant bucket!”
Twilight disappeared into the commotion and made her way to the library again. Rainbow Dash noticed her and waved over her friends, who quickly followed the unicorn.
Twilight: The stalker brigade, everypony.
"Nononono... Ah! There it was!" She quickly skimmed through the pages of the book. "There! The Elements of Harmony can be found in the Old Royal Castle, situated in the Everfree forest!"
"What the fuck are the Hellements of Armory?"
Fallen: The most badass thing I’ve ever heard in my life?
"Gah!"
Fallen: That works too.
Twilight blinked at the sight of Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy standing over her.
"What are you doing here?!"
"That's not important!" Rainbow Dash spat.
Fluttershy: “Yeah, it kind of is.”
"You know how to stop her, right? Then say how!"
Twilight sighed in frustration. "The Elements are five old magical doohickeys;
Twilight: Is that the scientific term?
the Elements of Generosity, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter and Loyalty, that can combine like some sort of Gundam or shit and reveal the sixth element, which is Magic.
Fluttershy: I don’t think that’s how they worked.
Fallen: I wish it was...
Then it makes an orbital frienship cannon that blasts evil guys and restores peace and everyone is happy and sunshine and has teh friends."
Twilight: Is grammar even real anymore?
She groaned. "Wow, this must be how Peter Chimaera feels."
"So them thingys can stop Mooning?" Applejack asked.
"Yeah, only they happen to be in the fucking Everfree forest. And that sucks."
Fallen: The way you said that, I almost thought we were talking about Lex Luthor stealing cakes.
The mares contemplated the challenge in silence. Fluttershy interrupted them.
"Where's Molestia anyway?"
Fallen: Actually... yeah, where was Celestia when you were fighting Nightmare Moon?
Twilight: Nightmare did imply that she imprisoned her somewhere. I assume the sun.
Fallen: Good lord, “Past Sins” was right?
Fallen: Cooking Methamphetamines in Old English, written by Princess Luna and Walter White.
Twilight threw away the book in frustration which promptly collided with Spike's head.
"Damn it! Not a single book references the location of the Elements of Harmony! This is hopeless!"
Twilight: Um... the guide specifically about the Elements of Harmony? Have you tried that?
The dragon assistant as meanwhile muttering something under his breath and rubbing his head. "At least your aim isn't hopeless, darling."
She skimmed through the books again.
No... No... Nothing... No... AHA! I knew it!
Twilight pulled out a volume entitled "Where to find the Elements of Harmony" from the pile and read through it.
Maybe this book could give me a clue!
Fallen: Or it could just blatantly tell you where they are.
She opened up the first page.
"The Princess arrives!" A guard exclaimed from the main room. Twilight groaned in frustration and put the book back into the shelf, memorizing its location before trotting out to witness Molestia's arrival.
Fallen: Wow, actual restraint. That was the perfect opportunity for a “Molestia is coming” joke.
All of the ponies were excitedly awaiting the arrival of their beloved monarch. The mayor of Ponyville trotted up to the altar and cleared her throat before beggining her speech.
"Fillies and gentlecolts-"
"YEAH!!! YOU ROCK!!!"
Twilight: And now she knows how it feels to be interrupted in the middle of a speech. (sticks tongue out at story)
"Why thank you," she smiled. "it is a great honor to-"
"I MEAN IT! YOU ROCK!"
"Yes, well, it is a great honor to-"
"GODDAMN, COUGAR! YOU'RE HOT!"
Fluttershy: All these cats in odd contexts...
Fallen: Do you seriously not know what any of this means?
The mayor visibly blushed. "Eh, uh, well..."
"SHOW ME SOME ASS!!!"
The mayor was now hiding her burning cheeks from the crowd. A couple of guards escorted the disturbing colt out of the room, who continuedly kept screaming obscenities and praising the mayor's "dat ass."
Twilight: GRAMMAR DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Fallen: Calm your tits, Sparkle. This is the home stretch; stop your bitching and fight your way through it.
She regained her composture
Fallen: COMPOSTURE’S NOT A WORD, YOU SACK OF-
Fluttershy: Stop that! Both of you! Um... please.
and cleared her throat again.
"As I said, it is a great honor-"
"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... HA!!!"
Fallen: Most necessary use of spaces ever.
"Oh for fuck's sake!" The mayor bellowed and stormed down the stage. Too late she realized who stood on the balcony above her. When she noticed the shocked expressions of the other ponies, she turned around and gasped.
Fallen: “It’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man!”
Towering above the crowd stood an alicorn black as night, with snake-like eyes gazing down deviously at the fearful ponies. She was adorned in silvery armor, covering her horn and chest, while her dark blue mane and tail waved in the air with stars sparkling in them.
Also she had a huge ass that could rival the mayor's.
Twilight: Was the whole point of those jokes to set up that reveal?
Fluttershy: I think so.
In short, Mooning Nightmare had arrived.
She bellowed another stereotypical villain laugh. Lightning descended from the heavens and the souls of undead infants and german fatsos clad in bratwurst suits singing songs about rye bread screamed overhead,
Fallen: And this is... normal?
Twilight: Mostly during the dry seasons, yeah.
terrifying the ponies and forcing into cover.
"Whores and gentlepimps! I, Mooning Nightmare, haveth returned from mine banishment on the moon, and shalt overthrow the rule of thine tyrant Molestia! Under my rule, there shalt be nothing but eternal night, and mountains worth of anal rape! For I am... MOONING NIGHTMARE!!!"
Fallen: Huh. “Gentleasshole” isn’t labeled as being spelt wrong in Google Docs, but “gentlepimp” is. I don’t know what’s happening with this language anymore.
She flashed her ass towards the crowd as more lightning cracked overhead. Rainbow Dash orgasmed.
Fallen: Rainbow Dash: fastest lover in Equestria. Finishes before you start!
"You won't get away with this, you toilet slut!" Twilight challenged. "Molestia will come and fuck you up the butthole like a french prostitute Mooning, remenber that!"
Twilight: I’m trying and failing to find words I would ever use on a day-to-day basis in my dialogue here.
"And yet, I doth not see her in thine presence," the ruler of night and asses countered with a smirk.
There was a long silence weighting on the room: nobody dared to move. Mooning Nightmare laughed again and even more lightning fell down onto the ground. She looked up.
"Hey! I told you to tone down with the fucking lightning!"
Fluttershy: So somepony makes the lightning for her?
She turned back to the ponies below. "Well then, pray tell, where dost thou beloved monarch reside, hmm? Feh! Thine cowardly ruler has fled! And now I shall rule these lands as my own!"
She stopped in mid-stride and cursed. "Damn it! My obligatory anus sex toys! I forgot them!
All: WHAT.
Oh well, this shall not take long." Then the dreaded mistress of the night and asses spread (lol)
Fallen: (facepalm X5 combo)
Twilight: (facehoof X4 combo)
Fluttershy: (overused joke X7 combo)
her wings and took off into the sky.
The crowd erupted into a panic.
"No! She's gonna buttrape us!"
"I don't wanna die!"
"My ears are pointy!"
Fluttershy: “The sky is falling!”
Twilight: “The calls are coming from inside the house!”
Fallen: “I live in a giant bucket!”
Twilight disappeared into the commotion and made her way to the library again. Rainbow Dash noticed her and waved over her friends, who quickly followed the unicorn.
Twilight: The stalker brigade, everypony.
"Nononono... Ah! There it was!" She quickly skimmed through the pages of the book. "There! The Elements of Harmony can be found in the Old Royal Castle, situated in the Everfree forest!"
"What the fuck are the Hellements of Armory?"
Fallen: The most badass thing I’ve ever heard in my life?
"Gah!"
Fallen: That works too.
Twilight blinked at the sight of Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and Fluttershy standing over her.
"What are you doing here?!"
"That's not important!" Rainbow Dash spat.
Fluttershy: “Yeah, it kind of is.”
"You know how to stop her, right? Then say how!"
Twilight sighed in frustration. "The Elements are five old magical doohickeys;
Twilight: Is that the scientific term?
the Elements of Generosity, Honesty, Kindness, Laughter and Loyalty, that can combine like some sort of Gundam or shit and reveal the sixth element, which is Magic.
Fluttershy: I don’t think that’s how they worked.
Fallen: I wish it was...
Then it makes an orbital frienship cannon that blasts evil guys and restores peace and everyone is happy and sunshine and has teh friends."
Twilight: Is grammar even real anymore?
She groaned. "Wow, this must be how Peter Chimaera feels."
"So them thingys can stop Mooning?" Applejack asked.
"Yeah, only they happen to be in the fucking Everfree forest. And that sucks."
Fallen: The way you said that, I almost thought we were talking about Lex Luthor stealing cakes.
The mares contemplated the challenge in silence. Fluttershy interrupted them.
"Where's Molestia anyway?"
Fallen: Actually... yeah, where was Celestia when you were fighting Nightmare Moon?
Twilight: Nightmare did imply that she imprisoned her somewhere. I assume the sun.
Fallen: Good lord, “Past Sins” was right?
The slaughter house's walls were lined with burning upside down crosses, which all cast an eerie light on princess Molestia as she slowly leaned over the ninety year old jewish black Christian Eurasian white gay retarded cancer patient's face
Fallen: I...
and spread her own very light ass-cheeks. Hitler and Stalin gasped in awe and ecstasy as they watched and sodomized each other. Molestia strained, perspiration breaking out across the massive swastika tattooed across her face. Snort cocaine off a priest's dick.
Fallen: ...I’m speechless.
Fallen: I...
and spread her own very light ass-cheeks. Hitler and Stalin gasped in awe and ecstasy as they watched and sodomized each other. Molestia strained, perspiration breaking out across the massive swastika tattooed across her face. Snort cocaine off a priest's dick.
Fallen: ...I’m speechless.
The six ponies stood at the very edge of the Everfree forest. Unearthly growls and terrifying shrieks coupled with Michael Jackson's giggling
Fallen: Because that’s the worst thing about the forest.
echoed across the treeline. The trees were actually not trees at all, but sinister, rusty contraptions sprouting out fleshy tendrils into the sky. Tortured souls were fused into said vegetation, crying out bone-chilling screams as their guts were forced out of their stomach and throat and their bloated, swollen bodies pulsated with pus-filled cancer tumors and bloody hooks impaling their bodies and dismembering them without actually killing the victims.
Fluttershy: Hold me...
Twilight: (hugs Fluttershy) Don’t worry, we’re almost done...
Some of the branches were instead rotten gallows, where all kinds of skeletons dangled in the putrid air. A few of them were undead, forced to spend the rest of their lives in intense agony as all kinds of masochistic eldritch abominations took terrible pleasure in torturing them and themselves by reading the complete Twilight series... Forever.
Fallen: Oh, this place is evil.
"Meh, I've seen worse," Twilight Sparkle said and casually shrugged. When the others gave her questioning looks, she simply answered "Molestia's torture room." The others shivered.
Twilight: Just... why?
The group entered the hellish place, which immediately tried to scare away the brave travellers. Harpies and butts with bat wings
Fluttershy: I sincerely hope those aren’t real...
descended upon them, cawing and brandishing their claws in their faces. An infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters spawned from nowhere and began typing the complete works of Shakespeare.
Fallen: I call bullshit. They forgot Hamlet.
They even saw the shadow of Freddy Krueger stalking them, occasionally dragging the corpse of a victim and dumping it in front of the trembling mares before fleeing into the foilage (the bushes were burning, by the way).
Fallen: Again. Bible fuckery. Laughing riot.
A manticore sprung out in front of them, roaring and bareing its bloodied, jagged teeth. Its scorpion-like tail waved around menacingly in front of them as the manticore prepared to pounce on the defenceless ponies.
Fluttershy, however, simply smiled and pulled out a cherry-flavored lollipop before advancing towards the damned creature, ignoring the warnings of her friends.
Fluttershy: Ooh, there’s a thought. If I had a lollipop on me, I could have tried that.
"Flutters! Come back!"
"Yo dawg, dat's dangerous!"
Fluttershy was standing just a few inches in front of it now, smiling sweetly at the manticore and offering the treat, which it greedily took from her. The creature gave it a taste and barked, starting to suck (lol) on the wonderful sugary food the nice pegasus had offered it.
"See?" Fluttershy turned towards the others. "All you need to do sometimes is to show a little kindness."
Twilight: And my hope for this Fluttershy is renewed.
Fallen: Oh, like that’s going to last.
Then she sliced the manticore's throat open with a surgical knife and tore out the larynx. The creature let out a strangled cry before the blood eventually filled its lungs and drowned it on dry land. Fluttershy grinned and wrapped herself in the slimy tube she had acquired.
"Look Rarity! I'm fashionable!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: See?
"Not cool dawg. Not cool."
Fallen: You’re not kidding. And the story ends right there.
Twilight: Kind of abrupt, isn’t it?
Fallen: Are you complaining?
Twilight: Not really, but-
Fallen: Then come on.
Fallen: Because that’s the worst thing about the forest.
echoed across the treeline. The trees were actually not trees at all, but sinister, rusty contraptions sprouting out fleshy tendrils into the sky. Tortured souls were fused into said vegetation, crying out bone-chilling screams as their guts were forced out of their stomach and throat and their bloated, swollen bodies pulsated with pus-filled cancer tumors and bloody hooks impaling their bodies and dismembering them without actually killing the victims.
Fluttershy: Hold me...
Twilight: (hugs Fluttershy) Don’t worry, we’re almost done...
Some of the branches were instead rotten gallows, where all kinds of skeletons dangled in the putrid air. A few of them were undead, forced to spend the rest of their lives in intense agony as all kinds of masochistic eldritch abominations took terrible pleasure in torturing them and themselves by reading the complete Twilight series... Forever.
Fallen: Oh, this place is evil.
"Meh, I've seen worse," Twilight Sparkle said and casually shrugged. When the others gave her questioning looks, she simply answered "Molestia's torture room." The others shivered.
Twilight: Just... why?
The group entered the hellish place, which immediately tried to scare away the brave travellers. Harpies and butts with bat wings
Fluttershy: I sincerely hope those aren’t real...
descended upon them, cawing and brandishing their claws in their faces. An infinite amount of monkeys with an infinite amount of typewriters spawned from nowhere and began typing the complete works of Shakespeare.
Fallen: I call bullshit. They forgot Hamlet.
They even saw the shadow of Freddy Krueger stalking them, occasionally dragging the corpse of a victim and dumping it in front of the trembling mares before fleeing into the foilage (the bushes were burning, by the way).
Fallen: Again. Bible fuckery. Laughing riot.
A manticore sprung out in front of them, roaring and bareing its bloodied, jagged teeth. Its scorpion-like tail waved around menacingly in front of them as the manticore prepared to pounce on the defenceless ponies.
Fluttershy, however, simply smiled and pulled out a cherry-flavored lollipop before advancing towards the damned creature, ignoring the warnings of her friends.
Fluttershy: Ooh, there’s a thought. If I had a lollipop on me, I could have tried that.
"Flutters! Come back!"
"Yo dawg, dat's dangerous!"
Fluttershy was standing just a few inches in front of it now, smiling sweetly at the manticore and offering the treat, which it greedily took from her. The creature gave it a taste and barked, starting to suck (lol) on the wonderful sugary food the nice pegasus had offered it.
"See?" Fluttershy turned towards the others. "All you need to do sometimes is to show a little kindness."
Twilight: And my hope for this Fluttershy is renewed.
Fallen: Oh, like that’s going to last.
Then she sliced the manticore's throat open with a surgical knife and tore out the larynx. The creature let out a strangled cry before the blood eventually filled its lungs and drowned it on dry land. Fluttershy grinned and wrapped herself in the slimy tube she had acquired.
"Look Rarity! I'm fashionable!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: See?
"Not cool dawg. Not cool."
Fallen: You’re not kidding. And the story ends right there.
Twilight: Kind of abrupt, isn’t it?
Fallen: Are you complaining?
Twilight: Not really, but-
Fallen: Then come on.
Fallen: Well, that was soul-crushing.
Twilight: I don’t even know where to begin.
Fluttershy: I think I died inside a little...
Twilight: That’s normal.
Fallen: The important thing is that we lived through that with some of our sanity intact.
Fluttershy: Is this real life...?
Pinkie: (from TV) See? It wasn’t all that bad, was it?
Fallen: Honestly? No, I’ve seen far worse. In fact, that was one of the most interesting satirical parodies I’ve ever seen of the show. I’m not sure yet if that’s the good kind of interesting, though.
Dash: (from TV) I’m not sure subjecting Fluttershy to this was a good idea, Pinkie. She looks kind of... broken.
Fluttershy: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
Twilight: I think you girls should stop roping her into these things.
Pinkie: I make no promises. But I think we should definitely ease up on her. Doesn’t look like she had much fun...
Fallen: You really expected her to find this story fun?
Pinkie: 29P was harmless enough, wasn’t it?
Fallen: This is not 29P. Not even close.
Fluttershy: Can I have that brain bleach now?
Fallen: Oh yeah, right, I said there’d be time for that in the end. It’s right outside, but... well, there are obvious issues with accessibility right now.
Pinkie: Oh, right! You’re free to go!
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Twilight: Come on, Fluttershy. You need to rest, and I need to study ways to purge the Internet of stories like these.
Fluttershy: (as they exit) Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
Fallen: So, um... aren’t you two going to shut the TV off and leave me alone now? I have some shit to rearrange in here, and I don’t think you guys staring at me while I do it will be of any help.
Pinkie: Aw! But don’t you want to still have fun? I have plenty more stories-
Fallen: And I have plenty more rusty sawblades. I can put another one through that screen right now.
Dash: Just save it for another time, Pinkie. He’s not gonna budge.
Pinkie: Alright then. We’ll see you later, Primey! Dashie, hit the button!
(Dash complies, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Twilight: I don’t even know where to begin.
Fluttershy: I think I died inside a little...
Twilight: That’s normal.
Fallen: The important thing is that we lived through that with some of our sanity intact.
Fluttershy: Is this real life...?
Pinkie: (from TV) See? It wasn’t all that bad, was it?
Fallen: Honestly? No, I’ve seen far worse. In fact, that was one of the most interesting satirical parodies I’ve ever seen of the show. I’m not sure yet if that’s the good kind of interesting, though.
Dash: (from TV) I’m not sure subjecting Fluttershy to this was a good idea, Pinkie. She looks kind of... broken.
Fluttershy: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
Twilight: I think you girls should stop roping her into these things.
Pinkie: I make no promises. But I think we should definitely ease up on her. Doesn’t look like she had much fun...
Fallen: You really expected her to find this story fun?
Pinkie: 29P was harmless enough, wasn’t it?
Fallen: This is not 29P. Not even close.
Fluttershy: Can I have that brain bleach now?
Fallen: Oh yeah, right, I said there’d be time for that in the end. It’s right outside, but... well, there are obvious issues with accessibility right now.
Pinkie: Oh, right! You’re free to go!
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Twilight: Come on, Fluttershy. You need to rest, and I need to study ways to purge the Internet of stories like these.
Fluttershy: (as they exit) Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
Fallen: So, um... aren’t you two going to shut the TV off and leave me alone now? I have some shit to rearrange in here, and I don’t think you guys staring at me while I do it will be of any help.
Pinkie: Aw! But don’t you want to still have fun? I have plenty more stories-
Fallen: And I have plenty more rusty sawblades. I can put another one through that screen right now.
Dash: Just save it for another time, Pinkie. He’s not gonna budge.
Pinkie: Alright then. We’ll see you later, Primey! Dashie, hit the button!
(Dash complies, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
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