FP Riffs 2: My Little PONEY: The parody from hell, Part 2
This is a first for me. Around two months ago, I riffed I have a jar of dirt’s “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell.” I thought it was a trolling masterpiece, I thought it was some of my best riffing to date, and I thought I was done with it.
Turns out I only got two out of three, because he dropped the second chapter off to me personally. And then published ANOTHER one the day before I started this.
That’s right. For the first time since I started riffing solo, I’m REVISITING a story that had updated since my coverage. Welcome back, everyone, to the land of the PONEY!
Turns out I only got two out of three, because he dropped the second chapter off to me personally. And then published ANOTHER one the day before I started this.
That’s right. For the first time since I started riffing solo, I’m REVISITING a story that had updated since my coverage. Welcome back, everyone, to the land of the PONEY!
Fallen Prime: I have no idea how you manage to use these things, Fluttershy. It’s awkward to hold, and the loop for the trigger is HUGE.
Fluttershy: That’s because we have to stick our hooves through the loop, and because you’re supposed to mount the end on your shoulder.
Fallen: Ah. That’s a little more comfortable. What is this thing, anyway? Shotgun? Rifle?
Fluttershy: I guess it’s closest to a hunting rifle. And, um... I’d appreciate it if you’d point it away from me while you have the safety off.
Fallen: Oops. Sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: Away from ME too, smart guy.
Fallen: FINE. Anyway, do you want this back, or...
Fluttershy: No, please, keep it here. There are painful memories associated with that rifle... you’d be doing me a favor by taking it off my hooves.
Fallen: Happy to help. I think I can set this by my own hunting rifles for now-
Twilight: Wait. Something just dawned on me. This isn’t the only time the three of us have been together in here.
Fallen: That’s true. But it was a lot messier the last time you were here together.
Twilight: And what did we DO last time we were here?
Fallen: ...we riffed “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell?”
Twilight: And did that story look finished?
Fallen: With THAT ending? I highly doubt- oh no. Do you think-
Twilight: All but certain. And in three... two... one...
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Twilight: ...we’re left to pick up where we left off.
Fallen: You’re not serious. Someone tell me she isn’t serious.
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Oh, she’s DEAD serious. And she’s completely right.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) The author put out two more chapters! He actually even sent them to me so I could get you to riff it like you did before!
Fallen: Yeah, two months ago. And I remember that Rainbow felt like ass about putting Fluttershy through it.
Dash: Your friend made me read “The Brothel.” I’m not exactly in a “care about other ponies’ feelings” mood. Besides, she was fine last time.
Fluttershy: No I wasn’t...
Twilight: I’m absolutely positive we can make it through this. Just remember what Fallen said the first time: you KNOW going into this that it’s not the worst thing you’ve ever seen.
Fallen: I don’t think I specified content she’d seen, but now I can attest to its truth. I was still new to Pinkie’s game by that point, but I’ve seen some genuine horrors since then that make this story look like Dora the Explorer. And so has she.
Fluttershy: I... I think I can do this. You don’t need to worry about me.
Fallen: Sounds like a plan.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fluttershy: That’s because we have to stick our hooves through the loop, and because you’re supposed to mount the end on your shoulder.
Fallen: Ah. That’s a little more comfortable. What is this thing, anyway? Shotgun? Rifle?
Fluttershy: I guess it’s closest to a hunting rifle. And, um... I’d appreciate it if you’d point it away from me while you have the safety off.
Fallen: Oops. Sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: Away from ME too, smart guy.
Fallen: FINE. Anyway, do you want this back, or...
Fluttershy: No, please, keep it here. There are painful memories associated with that rifle... you’d be doing me a favor by taking it off my hooves.
Fallen: Happy to help. I think I can set this by my own hunting rifles for now-
Twilight: Wait. Something just dawned on me. This isn’t the only time the three of us have been together in here.
Fallen: That’s true. But it was a lot messier the last time you were here together.
Twilight: And what did we DO last time we were here?
Fallen: ...we riffed “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell?”
Twilight: And did that story look finished?
Fallen: With THAT ending? I highly doubt- oh no. Do you think-
Twilight: All but certain. And in three... two... one...
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Twilight: ...we’re left to pick up where we left off.
Fallen: You’re not serious. Someone tell me she isn’t serious.
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Oh, she’s DEAD serious. And she’s completely right.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) The author put out two more chapters! He actually even sent them to me so I could get you to riff it like you did before!
Fallen: Yeah, two months ago. And I remember that Rainbow felt like ass about putting Fluttershy through it.
Dash: Your friend made me read “The Brothel.” I’m not exactly in a “care about other ponies’ feelings” mood. Besides, she was fine last time.
Fluttershy: No I wasn’t...
Twilight: I’m absolutely positive we can make it through this. Just remember what Fallen said the first time: you KNOW going into this that it’s not the worst thing you’ve ever seen.
Fallen: I don’t think I specified content she’d seen, but now I can attest to its truth. I was still new to Pinkie’s game by that point, but I’ve seen some genuine horrors since then that make this story look like Dora the Explorer. And so has she.
Fluttershy: I... I think I can do this. You don’t need to worry about me.
Fallen: Sounds like a plan.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Author's notes: Surprise muthafuckas! You are about to read the second chapter of this politically incorrect, racist, sexist, jewish, faggot story! I bet you are all super excited for more of this cheap Encyclopedia Dramatica ripoff.
Twilight: Thrilled.
...
Not.
DISCLAIMER: Be fucking glad I don't own MLP, or the show would have less friendship and more unbirth. Just sayin'.
Fallen: If this guy handled ANY children’s media, I’d expect South Park to be his best honest try.
Deep in the bowels of the ancient Castle of the Royal Sisters situated in the hellish landscape that was the Everfree forest, an evil black Alicorn sat in front of her laptop and stared intensively at the screen,
Twilight: Is that supposed to be Nightmare Moon?
Fallen: No, it's Mooning Nightmare. Did you forget the last story already?
Twilight: I guess not anymore.
weaving together her next deliciously evil masterplan while leaning in closer to her work, her ass-brown stool with shitty lumbar support creaking loudly. Tissue paper was scattered across the room, along with several bottles of Lubriderm. The alicorn typed frantically, her nostrils breathing in the cocaine haze that hung heavily in the room.
Fluttershy: That sounds unhealthy.
Mary-Sue had an little Alicorn OC, its coat was as black as ebony...
Fallen: Pen Stroke's gonna be pissed that you're stealing his character.
Suddenly, she screamed in frustration at her work and flipped the table, sending her computer and several rolls of paper flying around.
Fallen: When in doubt, flip a table.
Fluttershy: Does that actually solve anything?
Fallen: Can't hurt to try.
"Damn it!" Mooning Nightmare bellowed and gave a nearby manticore a cardiac arrest. "Why can't I write well anymore? It's like my literary balls have dried up!" She growled in irritation. "How the hell am I supposed to finish my awesome flawless self-insert at this rate?"
Twilight: Throw it into a fire. It helps a lot of other bad stories.
An evil light grew in her eye. "Of course. A little story to clear my head. A little... Erotic story."
She put the table and laptop back in position using her magic and laid her front hooves on the keyboard, eager to write. Nothing happened.
Twilight: That's because you have to TYPE.
She groaned and stared at the screen in furor.
"Damn it," she growled, "I'm terrible at sex stuff!" She looked at the screen blankly. "Maybe if I close my eyes and let my hooves do the work... Yeah!" Grinning in satisfaction, Mooning Nightmare closed her eyes and soon felt her hooves move on their own accord.
Fallen: So it's a Ouija keyboard.
"I must have some great subconsious erotica in the old noggin," she said to herself. After a while of typing she opened her eyes to see what she had written. When she saw, her eyes went wide as dinner plates and her jaw hung loose.
Fallen: The complete works of Shakespeare! Which... I GUESS could almost count as erotica somehow?
Twilight Sparkle's immaculate flanks glistened in the sunlight with the water from the sprinkler, her perfectly shaped plot bulging and straining to escape the tiny piece of sexy lingerie underwear she wore.
"Oh mistress Mooning," she moaned. "You are so incredibly attractive and so much more of a mare than Molestia and can do anything she can only better. I'll let you recharge my mana pool any day."
Twilight: Please no. Not after “Rarity’s Generous Plan.”
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Mooning Nightmare and quickly deleted the document. "Wow, um... I sure am glad no one was around to see that." She cleared her throat. "That Twilight bitch. Always foiling my plans and... Uh..."
Fluttershy: What plans has she foiled since Mooning Nightmare even arrived?
Sighing, she streched her hooves. "Okay, time to try this again. I better censor myself- that was very disturbing."
It was a hot summer's night in Devil's Canyon New Mexico, the latest site of Miley Cyrus's triple abortion celebration.
Fluttershy: That’s not something to celebrate...
However, this is not a story of teen whore's demonic abortions, but rather one of a most particular pony, princess Molestia, and her disgusting whore of a girlfriend.
And this…is her story.
Fluttershy: If we’re lucky, it won’t be too long.
"Hi Molestia!" said Twilight Sparkle the COW WHORE BITCH.
"HI!" said Molestia.
And then she raped her.
Fallen: Great. The poison of RGP still lingers.
Sadly her miniscule baby penis could barely penetrate Twilight's anus, and soon she became flaccid due to her own gayness and collapsed in a pile of her own urine and feces to cry like the PATHETIC WORM CHILD FILTH POT SHIT that she was.
Twilight: That’s it. Princess Celestia is hearing about this.
Fluttershy: Twilight, don’t you think you should-
Twilight: Don’t. This is happening. You’re not stopping it.
"Wow," said Twilight the CUM BITCH as she pulled her torn panties back up. "Somehow that was almost disappointing."
Twilight: “I am VERY disappointed in your rape performance.”
"I am a worthless disgrace of a mare compared to my awesome enemy Mooning Nightmare, who will crush all life in this galaxy and lie with the holy virgin herself," said Molestia. "As I breathe, I inhale the breath of fetid death and exhale nothing but swamp gas, burning the eyes, the decaying filth of ages. Fallen am I
Fallen: Yeah, no.
from the necrotic underbelly of the worst ethnic ghetto, sprung from the dead bodies of vagrant crack whores and the dead eyes of murderers and rapists. I am nothing, I am less than filth. I am the fly that lands on the seed and blood soaked breast of headless Kali as she lies with a retarded nigger."
Then she killed herself.
Twilight: Probably finally realized what story-within-a-story she was in.
"I am a toilet slut," said Twilight THAT FILTHY DISGUSTING WHORE.
Fallen: The perfect thing to read to little fillies!
"Ha ha!" Mooning Nightmare laughed. "Take that Molestia, and your incredibly ugly whore of a girlfriend too!" She took a look around the room.
Then she went on Facebook and looked up Twilight's spring break album.
Twilight: That was... hypocritically anticlimactic.
Twilight: Thrilled.
...
Not.
DISCLAIMER: Be fucking glad I don't own MLP, or the show would have less friendship and more unbirth. Just sayin'.
Fallen: If this guy handled ANY children’s media, I’d expect South Park to be his best honest try.
Deep in the bowels of the ancient Castle of the Royal Sisters situated in the hellish landscape that was the Everfree forest, an evil black Alicorn sat in front of her laptop and stared intensively at the screen,
Twilight: Is that supposed to be Nightmare Moon?
Fallen: No, it's Mooning Nightmare. Did you forget the last story already?
Twilight: I guess not anymore.
weaving together her next deliciously evil masterplan while leaning in closer to her work, her ass-brown stool with shitty lumbar support creaking loudly. Tissue paper was scattered across the room, along with several bottles of Lubriderm. The alicorn typed frantically, her nostrils breathing in the cocaine haze that hung heavily in the room.
Fluttershy: That sounds unhealthy.
Mary-Sue had an little Alicorn OC, its coat was as black as ebony...
Fallen: Pen Stroke's gonna be pissed that you're stealing his character.
Suddenly, she screamed in frustration at her work and flipped the table, sending her computer and several rolls of paper flying around.
Fallen: When in doubt, flip a table.
Fluttershy: Does that actually solve anything?
Fallen: Can't hurt to try.
"Damn it!" Mooning Nightmare bellowed and gave a nearby manticore a cardiac arrest. "Why can't I write well anymore? It's like my literary balls have dried up!" She growled in irritation. "How the hell am I supposed to finish my awesome flawless self-insert at this rate?"
Twilight: Throw it into a fire. It helps a lot of other bad stories.
An evil light grew in her eye. "Of course. A little story to clear my head. A little... Erotic story."
She put the table and laptop back in position using her magic and laid her front hooves on the keyboard, eager to write. Nothing happened.
Twilight: That's because you have to TYPE.
She groaned and stared at the screen in furor.
"Damn it," she growled, "I'm terrible at sex stuff!" She looked at the screen blankly. "Maybe if I close my eyes and let my hooves do the work... Yeah!" Grinning in satisfaction, Mooning Nightmare closed her eyes and soon felt her hooves move on their own accord.
Fallen: So it's a Ouija keyboard.
"I must have some great subconsious erotica in the old noggin," she said to herself. After a while of typing she opened her eyes to see what she had written. When she saw, her eyes went wide as dinner plates and her jaw hung loose.
Fallen: The complete works of Shakespeare! Which... I GUESS could almost count as erotica somehow?
Twilight Sparkle's immaculate flanks glistened in the sunlight with the water from the sprinkler, her perfectly shaped plot bulging and straining to escape the tiny piece of sexy lingerie underwear she wore.
"Oh mistress Mooning," she moaned. "You are so incredibly attractive and so much more of a mare than Molestia and can do anything she can only better. I'll let you recharge my mana pool any day."
Twilight: Please no. Not after “Rarity’s Generous Plan.”
"OH MY GOD!" screamed Mooning Nightmare and quickly deleted the document. "Wow, um... I sure am glad no one was around to see that." She cleared her throat. "That Twilight bitch. Always foiling my plans and... Uh..."
Fluttershy: What plans has she foiled since Mooning Nightmare even arrived?
Sighing, she streched her hooves. "Okay, time to try this again. I better censor myself- that was very disturbing."
It was a hot summer's night in Devil's Canyon New Mexico, the latest site of Miley Cyrus's triple abortion celebration.
Fluttershy: That’s not something to celebrate...
However, this is not a story of teen whore's demonic abortions, but rather one of a most particular pony, princess Molestia, and her disgusting whore of a girlfriend.
And this…is her story.
Fluttershy: If we’re lucky, it won’t be too long.
"Hi Molestia!" said Twilight Sparkle the COW WHORE BITCH.
"HI!" said Molestia.
And then she raped her.
Fallen: Great. The poison of RGP still lingers.
Sadly her miniscule baby penis could barely penetrate Twilight's anus, and soon she became flaccid due to her own gayness and collapsed in a pile of her own urine and feces to cry like the PATHETIC WORM CHILD FILTH POT SHIT that she was.
Twilight: That’s it. Princess Celestia is hearing about this.
Fluttershy: Twilight, don’t you think you should-
Twilight: Don’t. This is happening. You’re not stopping it.
"Wow," said Twilight the CUM BITCH as she pulled her torn panties back up. "Somehow that was almost disappointing."
Twilight: “I am VERY disappointed in your rape performance.”
"I am a worthless disgrace of a mare compared to my awesome enemy Mooning Nightmare, who will crush all life in this galaxy and lie with the holy virgin herself," said Molestia. "As I breathe, I inhale the breath of fetid death and exhale nothing but swamp gas, burning the eyes, the decaying filth of ages. Fallen am I
Fallen: Yeah, no.
from the necrotic underbelly of the worst ethnic ghetto, sprung from the dead bodies of vagrant crack whores and the dead eyes of murderers and rapists. I am nothing, I am less than filth. I am the fly that lands on the seed and blood soaked breast of headless Kali as she lies with a retarded nigger."
Then she killed herself.
Twilight: Probably finally realized what story-within-a-story she was in.
"I am a toilet slut," said Twilight THAT FILTHY DISGUSTING WHORE.
Fallen: The perfect thing to read to little fillies!
"Ha ha!" Mooning Nightmare laughed. "Take that Molestia, and your incredibly ugly whore of a girlfriend too!" She took a look around the room.
Then she went on Facebook and looked up Twilight's spring break album.
Twilight: That was... hypocritically anticlimactic.
I have a jar of dirt
presents
the continuation no one wanted but the author still wrote to flip the bird at everything innocent and holy
Fallen: Or he just loved our riff of the last chapter and wanted to see more.
Twilight: Wait, really?
MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL
Chapter 2
...
Fukken dramatic.
Twilight: Saying it doesn’t make it true.
Fallen: Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a cinematic masterpiece!
Twilight: See?
Fallen: WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE MEEEEEE!?
presents
the continuation no one wanted but the author still wrote to flip the bird at everything innocent and holy
Fallen: Or he just loved our riff of the last chapter and wanted to see more.
Twilight: Wait, really?
MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL
Chapter 2
...
Fukken dramatic.
Twilight: Saying it doesn’t make it true.
Fallen: Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a cinematic masterpiece!
Twilight: See?
Fallen: WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE MEEEEEE!?
"Twilight babe?"
"Hm?"
Rainbow Dash flew closer to the lavender mare as she and the others trotted through the Everfree forest and landed beside her, fully intent on seducing her even after the little Tellytubby incident
Fallen: Which hindsight tells me was ripped from a ComicsNix story. And if my understanding is correct, that’s one of the TAME ones.
(which Rainbow was willing to forgive; after all, she knew first hand what hormones did to total bookworm cuties like Twi).
Fallen: Or somepony’s PMSing.
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Oh, come on. I was talking about Twilight.
Twilight: FALLEN!
"So," the cyan mare began, "I've been thinking lately..."
"Oh really?" Twilight said with a sarcasm-laden voice. "I thought it was beyond your mental capacity."
Fallen: Why in all the fucks is the story trampling on all my possible jokes? It’s like it was ENGINEERED to do that!
Rainbow ignored that comment and shuffled closer to the subject to her desires. "I was thinking, it must be awfully stressful, knowing that the fate of Equestria is in your hands..."
Twilight: Not when I had the girls with me. In fact, I think I would’ve missed the company if I went alone, and the stress may actually have gotten to me.
Fallen: Not to mention the drop from the cliff right at the start would’ve done you in.
"Yes, I'm leading a bunch of mismatched rejects belonging to a bad comedy show or an italian political party through what looks like the nine layers of hell to stop a supervillain with an anal fetish, all in the name of a futa bitch with the power of moving a nuclear furnace across the sky on a daily basis. I don't know where my life got so fucked up along the way."
Fluttershy: ...probably around the time she was born.
"After this whole ordeal is over, how about you and I... Get to know each other?" She leant in closer to Twilight's ear and whispered: "Working out some stress?"
The unicorn turned towards Rainbow. "You know, you could just ask me up front if I want to fuck you instead of being cliché-ass suggestive," she deadpanned.
Fallen: I’m just surprised she’s pulling off suggestive. Subtlety and Rainbow Dash don’t mix.
The pegasus became hopeful. "So you'll accept?"
"No."
"Aw c'mon," the cyan mare licked her lips and wiggled herself even closer to Twilight. "What do you like to do?"
Twilight: I didn’t realize that living in a library was too subtle a nod to my passion for reading for her to pick up.
The unicorn sighed in frustration but quickly developed a devious smile. Perhaps by playing her cards right, she could avoid the lesbian mare for at least a while. "Alright, I'll play your little game. What do you want?"
Fluttershy: My first guess would be sex.
Rainbow adopted a sultry tone of voice and ran a hoof across Twilight's face. "I was thinking about bringing you back home with me babe, have a nice make out session in the sofa, with a movie of your choice... You'd like a movie?"
"Yes," Twilight stated matter-of-factly, "I do enjoy watching male asian gay cock porn."
Fluttershy: ...what?
Rainbow shivered at the thought but carried on anyway. She's a mare on a mission, after all. "After that, we'd continue on into bed, where we'd consummate ourselves to our passions..."
"I like that imagery," Twilight continued unabated. "Kind of like I enjoy pornographic My Little Pony related fan art. Especially if it involves Braeburn and Soarin."
Fallen: NoooooopenopenopenopenopenopeSOMUCHNOPE.
Rainbow became even more disturbed. "An- and we'd have some romantic music-"
"Indeed. Good for sucking stallion dick."
Twilight: Oh, sweet princess, make it stop!
"Uh... And- and... Ah, fuck it," Rainbow fumed and flew towards the back of the group. "This isn't over, babe." Twilight merely chuckled in a very evil fashion.
"Hm?"
Rainbow Dash flew closer to the lavender mare as she and the others trotted through the Everfree forest and landed beside her, fully intent on seducing her even after the little Tellytubby incident
Fallen: Which hindsight tells me was ripped from a ComicsNix story. And if my understanding is correct, that’s one of the TAME ones.
(which Rainbow was willing to forgive; after all, she knew first hand what hormones did to total bookworm cuties like Twi).
Fallen: Or somepony’s PMSing.
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Oh, come on. I was talking about Twilight.
Twilight: FALLEN!
"So," the cyan mare began, "I've been thinking lately..."
"Oh really?" Twilight said with a sarcasm-laden voice. "I thought it was beyond your mental capacity."
Fallen: Why in all the fucks is the story trampling on all my possible jokes? It’s like it was ENGINEERED to do that!
Rainbow ignored that comment and shuffled closer to the subject to her desires. "I was thinking, it must be awfully stressful, knowing that the fate of Equestria is in your hands..."
Twilight: Not when I had the girls with me. In fact, I think I would’ve missed the company if I went alone, and the stress may actually have gotten to me.
Fallen: Not to mention the drop from the cliff right at the start would’ve done you in.
"Yes, I'm leading a bunch of mismatched rejects belonging to a bad comedy show or an italian political party through what looks like the nine layers of hell to stop a supervillain with an anal fetish, all in the name of a futa bitch with the power of moving a nuclear furnace across the sky on a daily basis. I don't know where my life got so fucked up along the way."
Fluttershy: ...probably around the time she was born.
"After this whole ordeal is over, how about you and I... Get to know each other?" She leant in closer to Twilight's ear and whispered: "Working out some stress?"
The unicorn turned towards Rainbow. "You know, you could just ask me up front if I want to fuck you instead of being cliché-ass suggestive," she deadpanned.
Fallen: I’m just surprised she’s pulling off suggestive. Subtlety and Rainbow Dash don’t mix.
The pegasus became hopeful. "So you'll accept?"
"No."
"Aw c'mon," the cyan mare licked her lips and wiggled herself even closer to Twilight. "What do you like to do?"
Twilight: I didn’t realize that living in a library was too subtle a nod to my passion for reading for her to pick up.
The unicorn sighed in frustration but quickly developed a devious smile. Perhaps by playing her cards right, she could avoid the lesbian mare for at least a while. "Alright, I'll play your little game. What do you want?"
Fluttershy: My first guess would be sex.
Rainbow adopted a sultry tone of voice and ran a hoof across Twilight's face. "I was thinking about bringing you back home with me babe, have a nice make out session in the sofa, with a movie of your choice... You'd like a movie?"
"Yes," Twilight stated matter-of-factly, "I do enjoy watching male asian gay cock porn."
Fluttershy: ...what?
Rainbow shivered at the thought but carried on anyway. She's a mare on a mission, after all. "After that, we'd continue on into bed, where we'd consummate ourselves to our passions..."
"I like that imagery," Twilight continued unabated. "Kind of like I enjoy pornographic My Little Pony related fan art. Especially if it involves Braeburn and Soarin."
Fallen: NoooooopenopenopenopenopenopeSOMUCHNOPE.
Rainbow became even more disturbed. "An- and we'd have some romantic music-"
"Indeed. Good for sucking stallion dick."
Twilight: Oh, sweet princess, make it stop!
"Uh... And- and... Ah, fuck it," Rainbow fumed and flew towards the back of the group. "This isn't over, babe." Twilight merely chuckled in a very evil fashion.
Fallen: And why the shit is it stealing our line breaks!?
Fluttershy: What do you mean? There can’t be line breaks when it’s us talking.
Fallen: No, that’s not what I-
A bit further back, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were briskly following the group, keeping their eyes peeled for any threats to spring out of the forest unexpectedly and drag them into the tree line to rape the shit out of them. A bit too concentrated, in fact:
Twilight: It needed to be distilled more, or else it could be poisonous!
Pinkie Pie walked straight into Rarity's flank and bowled her over. The unicorn brushed some dirt off and gazed upon Pinkie sourly.
"Watch where you're walking nigga."
Pinkie perked up at the insult and turned around. "Hey, watchu say, nigga?"
Fluttershy: They keep using that word...
Fallen: Trust me, in most hands, it’s one of the worst and most offensive curses in the English language. The kind of shit even I wouldn’t say.
Watch closely. You are about to experience a nigga moment. Whatever defines the nigga moment is sudden outburst of aggresive behavior towards another negro man, making them behave like an irrational, self-destructive individual. I.E., like a nigga.
Fallen: We’re seriously going there?
Fluttershy: Going where?
Fallen: The Boondocks.
The mares both pulled out Glocks and stared at each other with hate-filled eyes, aiming their guns onto each other's faces. Rarity squinted.
"What didja say, bitch nigga?"
"Ya squeeze it, nigga!"
Fluttershy: Does she mean the gun trigger...?
Twilight: If there is any good left in the world, yes.
Nigga moments are unpredictable, but they all end up bad. If they had a rating, nigga moments would be the third leading killers of black men behind pork chops and FEMA. That's a fact.
Twilight: I don’t think that is, actually.
Fallen: Have you ever considered that maybe Wikipedia isn’t 100% reliable?
The mares continued insulting each other until the nigga moment hit the climax. The guns fired, spraying lead and death all over the area; trees shattered, unfortunate animals caught in the crossfire were turned to swiss cheese in seconds and debris was thrown around everywhere. Finally, the Glocks clicked empty.
Twilight: Statistically, I’m pretty sure one of those bullets HAD to hit somepony, even by accident.
Fallen: They must’ve learned their aiming from a stormtrooper.
"Hey wait man, wait!" Pinkie raised her smoking pistol in defeat. "This is stupid!"
"Yeah," Rarity lowered her gun. "Let's just walk away and go on with our business."
And so they did.
Fallen: ...what the fuck even happened?
Twilight: Let’s just rest here and gather our thoughts a bit.
Fluttershy: What do you mean? There can’t be line breaks when it’s us talking.
Fallen: No, that’s not what I-
A bit further back, Rarity and Pinkie Pie were briskly following the group, keeping their eyes peeled for any threats to spring out of the forest unexpectedly and drag them into the tree line to rape the shit out of them. A bit too concentrated, in fact:
Twilight: It needed to be distilled more, or else it could be poisonous!
Pinkie Pie walked straight into Rarity's flank and bowled her over. The unicorn brushed some dirt off and gazed upon Pinkie sourly.
"Watch where you're walking nigga."
Pinkie perked up at the insult and turned around. "Hey, watchu say, nigga?"
Fluttershy: They keep using that word...
Fallen: Trust me, in most hands, it’s one of the worst and most offensive curses in the English language. The kind of shit even I wouldn’t say.
Watch closely. You are about to experience a nigga moment. Whatever defines the nigga moment is sudden outburst of aggresive behavior towards another negro man, making them behave like an irrational, self-destructive individual. I.E., like a nigga.
Fallen: We’re seriously going there?
Fluttershy: Going where?
Fallen: The Boondocks.
The mares both pulled out Glocks and stared at each other with hate-filled eyes, aiming their guns onto each other's faces. Rarity squinted.
"What didja say, bitch nigga?"
"Ya squeeze it, nigga!"
Fluttershy: Does she mean the gun trigger...?
Twilight: If there is any good left in the world, yes.
Nigga moments are unpredictable, but they all end up bad. If they had a rating, nigga moments would be the third leading killers of black men behind pork chops and FEMA. That's a fact.
Twilight: I don’t think that is, actually.
Fallen: Have you ever considered that maybe Wikipedia isn’t 100% reliable?
The mares continued insulting each other until the nigga moment hit the climax. The guns fired, spraying lead and death all over the area; trees shattered, unfortunate animals caught in the crossfire were turned to swiss cheese in seconds and debris was thrown around everywhere. Finally, the Glocks clicked empty.
Twilight: Statistically, I’m pretty sure one of those bullets HAD to hit somepony, even by accident.
Fallen: They must’ve learned their aiming from a stormtrooper.
"Hey wait man, wait!" Pinkie raised her smoking pistol in defeat. "This is stupid!"
"Yeah," Rarity lowered her gun. "Let's just walk away and go on with our business."
And so they did.
Fallen: ...what the fuck even happened?
Twilight: Let’s just rest here and gather our thoughts a bit.
Fallen: I just... I’m trying so hard to understand why this story exists. What its purpose is, what it’s even about. What I’m even LOOKING AT.
Fluttershy: I’ve just been distancing myself from it, for the most part. That way it can’t hurt me.
Fallen: That’s the direct opposite of the point of this exerci- Twilight, what the hell?
Twilight: I don’t care, Pinkie! Connect to her and put her on NOW!
Pinkie: (from TV) Okay, I’m doing it! I was just saying, you could’ve asked nicely!
(The TV screen adjacent to Pinkie’s turns on, revealing the image of Princess Celestia herself.)
Princess Celestia: (from TV) Ah, Twilight Sparkle! My most faithful student! It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. I trust that you’ve been well?
Twilight: More or less, but I actually wanted to-
Fallen: Whoa. Oh my god. Is this seriously happening? One of the royal sisters, more or less face-to-face with me? Is this shit seriously going down right now?
Celestia: Given the armaments on the wall behind you, I’m led to assume that’s Fallen Prime?
Twilight: You get used to him. Anyway, I needed to talk to you ab-
Fallen: And she knows who the hell I am. How does she know who I am?
Fluttershy: Because your armory is one of the only human structures in Equestria? I think the princess would know about something like that.
Fallen: ...okay, good point. But why is she talking to us right now?
Twilight: I’ve been TRYING to tell her, but you won’t stop interrupting me! Anyway-
Pinkie: It’s about the story I sent them to read! Want a look?
Twilight: PINKIE PIE! Do you know how often I get to talk to Princess Celestia like this? Not very!
Celestia: Story? What story is she talking about?
Twilight: I don’t think you want to know.
Celestia: That’s an unusual attitude for you to have toward any work of literature. Pinkie Pie, send me the story she’s reading, assuming you have it handy.
Pinkie: Handy dandy! Up and coming!
(Pinkie sends the second chapter of “My Little PONEY” to Celestia, who begins to skim through it. She seems perplexed throughout the entire reading.)
Celestia: Well. That was certainly... interesting.
Twilight: Didn’t you see the story at the beginning? It was a horrible, completely debasing depiction of you! I wanted you to see this vulgar disrespect so you could banish this author and imprison him in the place that you banish him to!
Celestia: And why would I do that?
Twilight: Because of the- wait, what?
Celestia: This author clearly wrote that scene to elicit that sort of reaction from his audience. And based on your outburst, he did an admirable job.
Fallen: Celestia’s a troll critic. What a shock.
Celestia: What can I say? I’m familiar with the tricks of the trade.
Twilight: So... you’re not angry about this?
Celestia: Far from it! It’s actually sort of amusing in its own sick, twisted way. I’d like to stay and chat - believe me, I’d love nothing more - but I’m afraid I have a meeting to attend in a few moments, so I’ll have to cut this short.
Fallen: Well, it was nice formally meeting you, Princess.
Twilight: Will I get to see you again soon? As great as life in Ponyville has been, I really miss talking to you like this.
Celestia: Well... you could install this video calling system in your own home.
Twilight: I could... but that would take time and money.
Celestia: I could accomodate for that if need be. For now, though... perhaps I can arrange for you to visit sometime in the near future. I’m sure we have quite a bit of catching up to do.
Twilight: Thank you so much! I’ll see you then! And I promise I’ll keep writing!
Celestia: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Take care, Twilight Sparkle.
(Celestia’s screen turns off with a blip.)
Fallen: She seems nice. I wonder if Pinkie could get her in here for an MST someday...
Twilight: Reaching a little high, aren’t we?
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fluttershy: I’ve just been distancing myself from it, for the most part. That way it can’t hurt me.
Fallen: That’s the direct opposite of the point of this exerci- Twilight, what the hell?
Twilight: I don’t care, Pinkie! Connect to her and put her on NOW!
Pinkie: (from TV) Okay, I’m doing it! I was just saying, you could’ve asked nicely!
(The TV screen adjacent to Pinkie’s turns on, revealing the image of Princess Celestia herself.)
Princess Celestia: (from TV) Ah, Twilight Sparkle! My most faithful student! It’s been awhile since I’ve seen you. I trust that you’ve been well?
Twilight: More or less, but I actually wanted to-
Fallen: Whoa. Oh my god. Is this seriously happening? One of the royal sisters, more or less face-to-face with me? Is this shit seriously going down right now?
Celestia: Given the armaments on the wall behind you, I’m led to assume that’s Fallen Prime?
Twilight: You get used to him. Anyway, I needed to talk to you ab-
Fallen: And she knows who the hell I am. How does she know who I am?
Fluttershy: Because your armory is one of the only human structures in Equestria? I think the princess would know about something like that.
Fallen: ...okay, good point. But why is she talking to us right now?
Twilight: I’ve been TRYING to tell her, but you won’t stop interrupting me! Anyway-
Pinkie: It’s about the story I sent them to read! Want a look?
Twilight: PINKIE PIE! Do you know how often I get to talk to Princess Celestia like this? Not very!
Celestia: Story? What story is she talking about?
Twilight: I don’t think you want to know.
Celestia: That’s an unusual attitude for you to have toward any work of literature. Pinkie Pie, send me the story she’s reading, assuming you have it handy.
Pinkie: Handy dandy! Up and coming!
(Pinkie sends the second chapter of “My Little PONEY” to Celestia, who begins to skim through it. She seems perplexed throughout the entire reading.)
Celestia: Well. That was certainly... interesting.
Twilight: Didn’t you see the story at the beginning? It was a horrible, completely debasing depiction of you! I wanted you to see this vulgar disrespect so you could banish this author and imprison him in the place that you banish him to!
Celestia: And why would I do that?
Twilight: Because of the- wait, what?
Celestia: This author clearly wrote that scene to elicit that sort of reaction from his audience. And based on your outburst, he did an admirable job.
Fallen: Celestia’s a troll critic. What a shock.
Celestia: What can I say? I’m familiar with the tricks of the trade.
Twilight: So... you’re not angry about this?
Celestia: Far from it! It’s actually sort of amusing in its own sick, twisted way. I’d like to stay and chat - believe me, I’d love nothing more - but I’m afraid I have a meeting to attend in a few moments, so I’ll have to cut this short.
Fallen: Well, it was nice formally meeting you, Princess.
Twilight: Will I get to see you again soon? As great as life in Ponyville has been, I really miss talking to you like this.
Celestia: Well... you could install this video calling system in your own home.
Twilight: I could... but that would take time and money.
Celestia: I could accomodate for that if need be. For now, though... perhaps I can arrange for you to visit sometime in the near future. I’m sure we have quite a bit of catching up to do.
Twilight: Thank you so much! I’ll see you then! And I promise I’ll keep writing!
Celestia: I wouldn’t have it any other way. Take care, Twilight Sparkle.
(Celestia’s screen turns off with a blip.)
Fallen: She seems nice. I wonder if Pinkie could get her in here for an MST someday...
Twilight: Reaching a little high, aren’t we?
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
The group arrived at the banks of a rushing river. The waters were raging across the current, the thundering sound of waves crashing against each other drowning out the tortured screams of the nearby unfortunate souls. The river was made of blood by the way.
Fallen: “They made a HORRIBLE mess of the blood river!”
Fluttershy: “It looks okay to me-”
Fallen: “IT USED TO BE WATER!”
"What the fuck is this," Twilight grumbled.
Twilight: ...a river of blood.
"There's no way we can cross this."
"Fluttershy and me could carry you over," Rainbow suggested. The lavender mare shook her head.
"No, the river is protected by a plot device. We can't fly over."
Fluttershy: I’m not really strong enough to lift a pony without help anyway.
Twilight: I still could’ve teleported the whole group over to-
Fallen: Plot device.
She scratched her chin with a hoof. "We must obviously find and trigger the proper quicktime event to cross it."
The red river started to boil. The ponies gasped as a massive sea serpent (penis)
Fallen: As in just the penis, or is the serpent itself a penis?
Fluttershy: I’m just... pretending I’m not seeing that...
suddenly shot out of the water: the creature (penis) was at least ten times their size, glistening purple scales rippling across his toned body. The serpent (penis) looked somewhat alike Freddie Mercury, except with blonde hair.
Fallen: Okay, so they’re clearly talking about Steven Magnet. So why all the parenthetical dick jokes?
His fingers were long and adorned with sharp claws, which he carefully retracted so as to not scratch his massively pulsating, erect cock he held in his hand.
Twilight: Why do you even try?
Fallen: I... don’t know anymore.
I mean seriously, it was huge. Snooki would have a hard time sucking it.
Fallen: I’d call Jersey Shore bashing a cliche... if it ever got old.
Considering all the wierd shit everypony had seen today, they simply shrugged off the fact that a sea serpent (penis) greeted them.
"Who are you?" The strangely submissive creature (penis)
Fluttershy: Is this going to keep happening...?
Fallen: Looks like it.
whimpered and cowered, cradling his cock closer to his body in a futile attempt to shield it. Because it was to big. "Go away! I already confessed I'm gay! I can't handle any more hate!"
Twilight: I don’t know. He was certainly flamboyant, but I’m not sure I’d go THAT far...
"Whoa easy there sugarcube," Applejack comforted the wailing homosexual. "What happened?"
The serpent (penis) sighed. "Well here I was, chillaxing in the river, minding my own fucking business, when this alicorn bitch threatens to violate me in the anus if I didn't let her pass!" He straightened his hair. "Naturally my homosexual side took over and I told her that didn't sound too bad,
Fallen: Ah, the sex-fiend gay stereotype. And here I thought there was a demographic that would go unoffended.
so instead she told me that she would spread asinine lies about me having both cancer and AIDS to my past aquaintances!" As he narrated, he made dramatic gestures with his arms and body, his ginormous penis gyrating in tact with his storytelling. Big dick playa. Big dick baby.
Fluttershy: Please stop...
Fallen: And here I thought you weren’t gonna let this thing get to you.
"So I let her past," the sobbing serpent (pe- oh, you get the point) continued, "but the ungrateful slut merely laughed at me and called me such terrible things... She said I was the lovechild of mexican ghetto whores and secretely bi jewish skinheads with baby wangs, before ripping of half my moustache!"
Twilight: “I could take the verbal punishment, but MY POOR MOUSTACHE!”
He pointed towards the hairy stub on his face. "And now I just lay here by the river, masturbating alone in my despair!" The serpent started sobbing, his salty tears dripping into the river and poisoning the various species of sweet water fish living there, since they are not supposed to ingest salt in such quantities. It was tragic.
Fallen: Again, all the enthusiasm of Lex Luthor stealing forty cakes.
Rarity straightened her DC cap and stared dramatically at the poor moustache remains. "Ain't leaving no nigga in the shit foo. Time for Pimp my 'Stache. Nigga."
Applejack raised an eyebrow and threw in an obligatory racist remark. "Don't seem like ya negros to share or give willingly. More like stealin'."
"Only bikes, muthafucka."
Twilight: That’s STILL against her Element, though.
Fallen: I love how you still think the story cares.
Pinkie offered her a pair of scissors she had pulled out of her vagina. The unicorn approached the poor serpent and prompty cut off a piece of her tail, which she stitched onto his face. The serpent's face immediately brightened.
"Oh thank you! I cannot possibly repay you-"
Fallen: “Except in sexual favors!”
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Get comfortable doing that. I’m gonna be fighting fire with fire a LOT.
"Oh Steeeven!" A rough voice called out.
Everyone gasped as another serpent emerged from the water. This one had green scales but no hair, having shaved it off a while ago. His body was much more muscular than Steven's and covered with ugly scars and the occasional lewd sexual tattoos. His eyes glowed a malevolent dark blue, an obvious sign that he had been possesed by Mooning Nightmare. Also his penis was the size of a very sharpened pencil.
Fluttershy: So... a serpentine Snowflake?
Fallen: Nice. Wait, I thought his name was Roid Rage.
Fluttershy: Well, everypony started calling him that, so he just started answering to it.
"How ya doing, you fucking prune!" The newly arrived serpent shouted in a very white and obnoxious voice, a wide grin covering his face. "Found any more faggoty friends?"
"B- Bernie?!"
Fallen: Stupid name.
"Sup, fag," Bernie turned towards the ponies. "Oh look, gay boy found himself some butt budies. Except they're not, cause they're female! HA!" Everyone facepalmed at Bernie's retarded comment because he's retarded.
Twilight: I don’t even know who he’s trying to offend anymore. The homosexuals or the mentally handicapped.
Twilight eyed him suspiciously. "Steven, who's this dickhead?"
"That's Dr. Dickhead to you young lady," retorted the skinhead serpent.
Fluttershy: I’m not sure I want to know what he’s a doctor OF.
Fallen: Douchebaggery?
"What the fuck-" began Twilight, but Steven interrupted her.
"Bernie? But, you should be in prison!"
"Oh yeah," the retard laughed. "But I clawed my way out of hell just for you, and to evade the homo assfuckers in the showers.
Fallen: Actually, by my understanding, most of them are straight men. It’s just... hard to cope with the lack of available sexual release, so they take it out on their fellow inmates.
You are my opposite, my negative, my nemesis, and I shall not rest until a thousand worms devour your flesh."
Everyone gasped. "For serious!"
"I am the anti Christ."
Fallen: Unless I see Willem Dafoe get his testicles crushed and ejaculate blood-
Twilight: WHAT!?
Fallen: Not kidding, that happened in a movie.
"Oh give me a break," groaned Twilight. "And I'm Barack fucking Hussein fucking Obama."
"You would invoke the black Jesus's name here! How dare you!"
Fallen: Whoa. Okay, he’s better than Bush, but he’s not a fucking messaiah!
Everyone gaped as Bernie's inhaled a huge breath of air. Evil satanic light began to glow around him, motes of blood red evil floating in ever increasingly fast circles around him. The ground shook as Bernie's jaw unhinged. Something dark, amorphous and evil spewed out of it!
Fluttershy: The Smooze?
Fallen: ...the what?
"SHIT FUCK JEW WAR DICK HOLE CHEESESQUINTY EYED YAM BAG CHINAMAN WART NIGGER NOSTRIL RAPING NAIL SHITTING TERRORIST SAND NIGGER PIT LICKING GAY AIDS CUNT WAXER!"
Fallen: Oh no, the YouTube commenters are becoming a hive mind!
The ponies' ears almost exploded. "AaAAGHgGH!" Their heads rang and their vision spun. Their brains felt like they was going to blow up. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy projectile vomited.
"What the fuck just happened?" Asked Twilight.
Shivering, Rainbow Dash wiped away some vomit from her mouth. "Ah... The race hate... So strong... So offensive."
Fallen: I’ve seen worse. This isn’t even articulate enough to be offensive.
Only two mares seemed unaffected by Bernie's verbal assault; Pinkie seemed completely oblivious to what had just happened and Rarity...
Rarity was furious.
Twilight: What in that whole mess even offended her?
The negro mare approached the skinhead serpent with slow, deliberate steps. Her entire body was quivering with anger, making the ground around them starting to shake again under the ponies' hooves. Bernie nervously moved back from Rarity when he saw her face; it was bright red like a baboon's ass,
Fallen: The author WOULD know what color a baboon’s ass is.
steam leaking out of her ears and nostrils like a pressure cooker.
"What did ya say... Nigga?"
"Uh..."
"WHAT DIDJA SAY, NIGGA?!"
Fluttershy: Why not just have her say the line the same way if you’re not going to actually change what she says?
Rarity dragged Bernie down to face her. His eyes widened in terror as the mare inhaled deeply.
She unleashed the power.
Fallen: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
"FUCK YOU BITCH ASS PUSSY ASS NIGGA! I'LL BEAT THE MOTHERFUCKING CRAP OUT OF YOU NIGGA! FUCKING WHITE ASS PUSSY GET HIS ASS HANDLED TO HIM IN DA HOOD NIGGA! MOTHERFUCKING RACIST SHIT MOTHERFUCKER BITCH ASS NIGGA!"
Fluttershy: I think I’m scared of Rarity...
Blood poured out of Bernie's ears and eyes, his pitiful screams for mercy piercing the night as he flailed around wildly; not even the most hardcore redneck can survive a full-on verbal assault from an angry black person.
Twilight: I don't get why they did this to Rarity, of all ponies. She's paler than all of us! And the only “races” we really have are unicorns, earth ponies, alicorns and pegasi!
Fallen: It baffles ME because you ponies really can’t use skin or coat color as a basis of judgment when every day out on the town is like walking through a crowd of rainbows.
Rarity jumped in the air and brough her hoof up to the skies. An enormous ball of energy shaped like a black fist materialized around it. It was AIDS, it was Ebola. It was whiplash and SID, it was broken bones and shattered dreams, 50 Cent and gunshots; it was religious intolerance and ethnic purity. It was despair and black holes and the nightmares of small children ages one through five.
Fallen: Rarity’s a Mary Sue. I’m surprised an author managed to do that to one of you.
Everyone covered their eyes.
Rarity cannonballed through the air straight for Bernie, trailing racial sensitivity behind
her.
Twilight: More awkward paragraph breaks.
Fluttershy: How is racial sensitivity something that can trail behind somepony?
She brought her hoof to bear in a straight trajectory for Bernie's face, who uselessly tried to cover his face. Time seemed to slow down as the air parted beneath her.
"NYUKKA PAAAAUUUUUWNCH!"
Fallen: Run! She’s channeling Captain Falcon!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The world exploded in a blast of energy and Kool-Aid. Rarity's hoof hit Bernie's face with the force of a thousand suns and pulverised it, the only remains being a thick red mist exploding across the forest. Everything in an area of two miles was annihilated; trees snapped and fell, animals were blown away by the gale-force winds and the other ponies including Steven had to dig their appendages into the ground, trying desperately to hold on against the Nigga Punch blast.
Fallen: I prefer “Punch of Kill Everything.”
After several agonizing, world-shattering seconds, the blast finally died down.
Fallen: “They made a HORRIBLE mess of the blood river!”
Fluttershy: “It looks okay to me-”
Fallen: “IT USED TO BE WATER!”
"What the fuck is this," Twilight grumbled.
Twilight: ...a river of blood.
"There's no way we can cross this."
"Fluttershy and me could carry you over," Rainbow suggested. The lavender mare shook her head.
"No, the river is protected by a plot device. We can't fly over."
Fluttershy: I’m not really strong enough to lift a pony without help anyway.
Twilight: I still could’ve teleported the whole group over to-
Fallen: Plot device.
She scratched her chin with a hoof. "We must obviously find and trigger the proper quicktime event to cross it."
The red river started to boil. The ponies gasped as a massive sea serpent (penis)
Fallen: As in just the penis, or is the serpent itself a penis?
Fluttershy: I’m just... pretending I’m not seeing that...
suddenly shot out of the water: the creature (penis) was at least ten times their size, glistening purple scales rippling across his toned body. The serpent (penis) looked somewhat alike Freddie Mercury, except with blonde hair.
Fallen: Okay, so they’re clearly talking about Steven Magnet. So why all the parenthetical dick jokes?
His fingers were long and adorned with sharp claws, which he carefully retracted so as to not scratch his massively pulsating, erect cock he held in his hand.
Twilight: Why do you even try?
Fallen: I... don’t know anymore.
I mean seriously, it was huge. Snooki would have a hard time sucking it.
Fallen: I’d call Jersey Shore bashing a cliche... if it ever got old.
Considering all the wierd shit everypony had seen today, they simply shrugged off the fact that a sea serpent (penis) greeted them.
"Who are you?" The strangely submissive creature (penis)
Fluttershy: Is this going to keep happening...?
Fallen: Looks like it.
whimpered and cowered, cradling his cock closer to his body in a futile attempt to shield it. Because it was to big. "Go away! I already confessed I'm gay! I can't handle any more hate!"
Twilight: I don’t know. He was certainly flamboyant, but I’m not sure I’d go THAT far...
"Whoa easy there sugarcube," Applejack comforted the wailing homosexual. "What happened?"
The serpent (penis) sighed. "Well here I was, chillaxing in the river, minding my own fucking business, when this alicorn bitch threatens to violate me in the anus if I didn't let her pass!" He straightened his hair. "Naturally my homosexual side took over and I told her that didn't sound too bad,
Fallen: Ah, the sex-fiend gay stereotype. And here I thought there was a demographic that would go unoffended.
so instead she told me that she would spread asinine lies about me having both cancer and AIDS to my past aquaintances!" As he narrated, he made dramatic gestures with his arms and body, his ginormous penis gyrating in tact with his storytelling. Big dick playa. Big dick baby.
Fluttershy: Please stop...
Fallen: And here I thought you weren’t gonna let this thing get to you.
"So I let her past," the sobbing serpent (pe- oh, you get the point) continued, "but the ungrateful slut merely laughed at me and called me such terrible things... She said I was the lovechild of mexican ghetto whores and secretely bi jewish skinheads with baby wangs, before ripping of half my moustache!"
Twilight: “I could take the verbal punishment, but MY POOR MOUSTACHE!”
He pointed towards the hairy stub on his face. "And now I just lay here by the river, masturbating alone in my despair!" The serpent started sobbing, his salty tears dripping into the river and poisoning the various species of sweet water fish living there, since they are not supposed to ingest salt in such quantities. It was tragic.
Fallen: Again, all the enthusiasm of Lex Luthor stealing forty cakes.
Rarity straightened her DC cap and stared dramatically at the poor moustache remains. "Ain't leaving no nigga in the shit foo. Time for Pimp my 'Stache. Nigga."
Applejack raised an eyebrow and threw in an obligatory racist remark. "Don't seem like ya negros to share or give willingly. More like stealin'."
"Only bikes, muthafucka."
Twilight: That’s STILL against her Element, though.
Fallen: I love how you still think the story cares.
Pinkie offered her a pair of scissors she had pulled out of her vagina. The unicorn approached the poor serpent and prompty cut off a piece of her tail, which she stitched onto his face. The serpent's face immediately brightened.
"Oh thank you! I cannot possibly repay you-"
Fallen: “Except in sexual favors!”
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
Fallen: Get comfortable doing that. I’m gonna be fighting fire with fire a LOT.
"Oh Steeeven!" A rough voice called out.
Everyone gasped as another serpent emerged from the water. This one had green scales but no hair, having shaved it off a while ago. His body was much more muscular than Steven's and covered with ugly scars and the occasional lewd sexual tattoos. His eyes glowed a malevolent dark blue, an obvious sign that he had been possesed by Mooning Nightmare. Also his penis was the size of a very sharpened pencil.
Fluttershy: So... a serpentine Snowflake?
Fallen: Nice. Wait, I thought his name was Roid Rage.
Fluttershy: Well, everypony started calling him that, so he just started answering to it.
"How ya doing, you fucking prune!" The newly arrived serpent shouted in a very white and obnoxious voice, a wide grin covering his face. "Found any more faggoty friends?"
"B- Bernie?!"
Fallen: Stupid name.
"Sup, fag," Bernie turned towards the ponies. "Oh look, gay boy found himself some butt budies. Except they're not, cause they're female! HA!" Everyone facepalmed at Bernie's retarded comment because he's retarded.
Twilight: I don’t even know who he’s trying to offend anymore. The homosexuals or the mentally handicapped.
Twilight eyed him suspiciously. "Steven, who's this dickhead?"
"That's Dr. Dickhead to you young lady," retorted the skinhead serpent.
Fluttershy: I’m not sure I want to know what he’s a doctor OF.
Fallen: Douchebaggery?
"What the fuck-" began Twilight, but Steven interrupted her.
"Bernie? But, you should be in prison!"
"Oh yeah," the retard laughed. "But I clawed my way out of hell just for you, and to evade the homo assfuckers in the showers.
Fallen: Actually, by my understanding, most of them are straight men. It’s just... hard to cope with the lack of available sexual release, so they take it out on their fellow inmates.
You are my opposite, my negative, my nemesis, and I shall not rest until a thousand worms devour your flesh."
Everyone gasped. "For serious!"
"I am the anti Christ."
Fallen: Unless I see Willem Dafoe get his testicles crushed and ejaculate blood-
Twilight: WHAT!?
Fallen: Not kidding, that happened in a movie.
"Oh give me a break," groaned Twilight. "And I'm Barack fucking Hussein fucking Obama."
"You would invoke the black Jesus's name here! How dare you!"
Fallen: Whoa. Okay, he’s better than Bush, but he’s not a fucking messaiah!
Everyone gaped as Bernie's inhaled a huge breath of air. Evil satanic light began to glow around him, motes of blood red evil floating in ever increasingly fast circles around him. The ground shook as Bernie's jaw unhinged. Something dark, amorphous and evil spewed out of it!
Fluttershy: The Smooze?
Fallen: ...the what?
"SHIT FUCK JEW WAR DICK HOLE CHEESESQUINTY EYED YAM BAG CHINAMAN WART NIGGER NOSTRIL RAPING NAIL SHITTING TERRORIST SAND NIGGER PIT LICKING GAY AIDS CUNT WAXER!"
Fallen: Oh no, the YouTube commenters are becoming a hive mind!
The ponies' ears almost exploded. "AaAAGHgGH!" Their heads rang and their vision spun. Their brains felt like they was going to blow up. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy projectile vomited.
"What the fuck just happened?" Asked Twilight.
Shivering, Rainbow Dash wiped away some vomit from her mouth. "Ah... The race hate... So strong... So offensive."
Fallen: I’ve seen worse. This isn’t even articulate enough to be offensive.
Only two mares seemed unaffected by Bernie's verbal assault; Pinkie seemed completely oblivious to what had just happened and Rarity...
Rarity was furious.
Twilight: What in that whole mess even offended her?
The negro mare approached the skinhead serpent with slow, deliberate steps. Her entire body was quivering with anger, making the ground around them starting to shake again under the ponies' hooves. Bernie nervously moved back from Rarity when he saw her face; it was bright red like a baboon's ass,
Fallen: The author WOULD know what color a baboon’s ass is.
steam leaking out of her ears and nostrils like a pressure cooker.
"What did ya say... Nigga?"
"Uh..."
"WHAT DIDJA SAY, NIGGA?!"
Fluttershy: Why not just have her say the line the same way if you’re not going to actually change what she says?
Rarity dragged Bernie down to face her. His eyes widened in terror as the mare inhaled deeply.
She unleashed the power.
Fallen: BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!
"FUCK YOU BITCH ASS PUSSY ASS NIGGA! I'LL BEAT THE MOTHERFUCKING CRAP OUT OF YOU NIGGA! FUCKING WHITE ASS PUSSY GET HIS ASS HANDLED TO HIM IN DA HOOD NIGGA! MOTHERFUCKING RACIST SHIT MOTHERFUCKER BITCH ASS NIGGA!"
Fluttershy: I think I’m scared of Rarity...
Blood poured out of Bernie's ears and eyes, his pitiful screams for mercy piercing the night as he flailed around wildly; not even the most hardcore redneck can survive a full-on verbal assault from an angry black person.
Twilight: I don't get why they did this to Rarity, of all ponies. She's paler than all of us! And the only “races” we really have are unicorns, earth ponies, alicorns and pegasi!
Fallen: It baffles ME because you ponies really can’t use skin or coat color as a basis of judgment when every day out on the town is like walking through a crowd of rainbows.
Rarity jumped in the air and brough her hoof up to the skies. An enormous ball of energy shaped like a black fist materialized around it. It was AIDS, it was Ebola. It was whiplash and SID, it was broken bones and shattered dreams, 50 Cent and gunshots; it was religious intolerance and ethnic purity. It was despair and black holes and the nightmares of small children ages one through five.
Fallen: Rarity’s a Mary Sue. I’m surprised an author managed to do that to one of you.
Everyone covered their eyes.
Rarity cannonballed through the air straight for Bernie, trailing racial sensitivity behind
her.
Twilight: More awkward paragraph breaks.
Fluttershy: How is racial sensitivity something that can trail behind somepony?
She brought her hoof to bear in a straight trajectory for Bernie's face, who uselessly tried to cover his face. Time seemed to slow down as the air parted beneath her.
"NYUKKA PAAAAUUUUUWNCH!"
Fallen: Run! She’s channeling Captain Falcon!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
The world exploded in a blast of energy and Kool-Aid. Rarity's hoof hit Bernie's face with the force of a thousand suns and pulverised it, the only remains being a thick red mist exploding across the forest. Everything in an area of two miles was annihilated; trees snapped and fell, animals were blown away by the gale-force winds and the other ponies including Steven had to dig their appendages into the ground, trying desperately to hold on against the Nigga Punch blast.
Fallen: I prefer “Punch of Kill Everything.”
After several agonizing, world-shattering seconds, the blast finally died down.
Holy crap, I managed to write something!
Fallen: Yeah. "Write."
Don't worry (maybe). I have more chapters coming up soon.
Fallen: Well, now I have no idea what these characters are supposed to be like. Consistency is beneath this story.
Fluttershy: That actually does sound like cause for concern.
What will happen next? Will Rarity use her newfound nigga powers for good? Will the Mane Six catch Mooning Nightmare? Will the evil alicorn manage to stop them? Is Molestia raping someone?
Twilight: No, yes, no, probably.
All that, and more, in the next chapter of MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL!
Fallen: Thanks for reminding me there’s still another chapter, jackass.
Fluttershy: We should take a break before the next one starts.
Fallen: Yeah. "Write."
Don't worry (maybe). I have more chapters coming up soon.
Fallen: Well, now I have no idea what these characters are supposed to be like. Consistency is beneath this story.
Fluttershy: That actually does sound like cause for concern.
What will happen next? Will Rarity use her newfound nigga powers for good? Will the Mane Six catch Mooning Nightmare? Will the evil alicorn manage to stop them? Is Molestia raping someone?
Twilight: No, yes, no, probably.
All that, and more, in the next chapter of MY LITTLE PONEY: THE PARODY FROM HELL!
Fallen: Thanks for reminding me there’s still another chapter, jackass.
Fluttershy: We should take a break before the next one starts.
Fallen: So. That was chapter two. Thoughts?
Fluttershy: That was... not as painful as the first chapter.
Twilight: It helps that it was about half as long.
Fallen: And from the looks of it, the third chapter’s not much longer.
Twilight: Yeah.
All: …
Fallen: Wow. We really don’t have anything to talk about, do we?
Fluttershy: Well, what else needs to be said about the story? We covered a lot of the bigger issues, and judging a trollfic isn’t exactly easy to do.
Fallen: Plus, we used up our cameo...
Fluttershy: ...well, it looks like the place has been redecorated a little since the last time I was here. That’s something.
Fallen: Oh yeah, right, I did that when Applejack was in for the second chapter of RGP. You’re the only one who hadn’t seen it yet. Basically just set up my Xbox in here so I could watch movies.
Fluttershy: Have you used it yet?
Fallen: A couple times, yeah. Mostly with Rarity, since she was there for the whole run of the story.
Twilight: I was surprised by how much she enjoyed Aliens. You’d think at first glance that it wouldn’t be her type of movie...
Fallen: It really is everything you could want out of a movie.
Fluttershy: What kinds of movies do you have?
Fallen: Oh, mostly sci-fi action stuff. A couple of comedies, too. Mostly, though, I use a program on here that lets me stream basically anything it has at the time. Which can either feel like a staggeringly intimidating stockpile or a very limited selection, depending on how many times you don’t find what you’re looking for.
Fluttershy: That sounds interesting. Could you show me? I mean, if it’s not too much trouble.
Fallen: Not at all! It’s quick and easy, actually.
(Fallen turns on the Xbox and opens Netflix.)
Fallen: See? All this awesome shit. Horror movies, foreign flicks, TV shows, anime-
Twilight: Wait a minute. Scroll back up.
(Fallen complies, and there, towards the front of the Watch It Again category, is My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.)
All: ...
Fallen: This is a little awkward for you, isn’t it.
Twilight: You can’t even imagine.
Fallen: ...want to watch it?
Twilight: NO!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fluttershy: That was... not as painful as the first chapter.
Twilight: It helps that it was about half as long.
Fallen: And from the looks of it, the third chapter’s not much longer.
Twilight: Yeah.
All: …
Fallen: Wow. We really don’t have anything to talk about, do we?
Fluttershy: Well, what else needs to be said about the story? We covered a lot of the bigger issues, and judging a trollfic isn’t exactly easy to do.
Fallen: Plus, we used up our cameo...
Fluttershy: ...well, it looks like the place has been redecorated a little since the last time I was here. That’s something.
Fallen: Oh yeah, right, I did that when Applejack was in for the second chapter of RGP. You’re the only one who hadn’t seen it yet. Basically just set up my Xbox in here so I could watch movies.
Fluttershy: Have you used it yet?
Fallen: A couple times, yeah. Mostly with Rarity, since she was there for the whole run of the story.
Twilight: I was surprised by how much she enjoyed Aliens. You’d think at first glance that it wouldn’t be her type of movie...
Fallen: It really is everything you could want out of a movie.
Fluttershy: What kinds of movies do you have?
Fallen: Oh, mostly sci-fi action stuff. A couple of comedies, too. Mostly, though, I use a program on here that lets me stream basically anything it has at the time. Which can either feel like a staggeringly intimidating stockpile or a very limited selection, depending on how many times you don’t find what you’re looking for.
Fluttershy: That sounds interesting. Could you show me? I mean, if it’s not too much trouble.
Fallen: Not at all! It’s quick and easy, actually.
(Fallen turns on the Xbox and opens Netflix.)
Fallen: See? All this awesome shit. Horror movies, foreign flicks, TV shows, anime-
Twilight: Wait a minute. Scroll back up.
(Fallen complies, and there, towards the front of the Watch It Again category, is My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.)
All: ...
Fallen: This is a little awkward for you, isn’t it.
Twilight: You can’t even imagine.
Fallen: ...want to watch it?
Twilight: NO!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Haelo, I aem Artyom :D
Twilight: Wait, what?
Since the last chapter was racially offensive and overall politically incorrect, I decided to adopt a more serious, professional writing style in the writing of My Little PONEY: The parody from hell. Here is what I've come up with:
Fluttershy: I get the feeling this won’t end well.
Twilight: Wait, what?
Since the last chapter was racially offensive and overall politically incorrect, I decided to adopt a more serious, professional writing style in the writing of My Little PONEY: The parody from hell. Here is what I've come up with:
Fluttershy: I get the feeling this won’t end well.
Why My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a metaphor for homosexual power
by Fagpants McDeathoftheauthor
Fluttershy: ...the feeling hasn’t left yet.
The story begins with an almost transparent metaphor; a female voice detailing the story of the royal sisters and how they "created harmony" across the magical land of Equestria. It is in this introduction that the first important symbol is presented; an image of the royal sisters trailing each other in a circle, with the sun and the moon withing their grasp; a metaphor for the estrus cycle.
Twilight: Is this... a critical analysis of-
Fallen: Of your first adventure. As a metaphor for LGBT power. As if the Netflix thing wasn’t awkward enough...
This quickly exemplifies the female imagery that permeates throughout the story: both sisters give the illusion of being very old and wise, which can be translated into maternal power when taking their "creation of harmony" into account: an obvious symbol for birth. Along with the bright colors and calm music in the background, the theme is clear: the show attempts to elevate female domination,
Fluttershy: ...we didn’t get to choose the gender ratio of Equestria’s population.
which is a bit ironic considering what follows.
The description of the younger sister's transformation serves two motives. The first, more obvious reason is to create a conflict that advances the story. The second, more ulterior reason is at this point less obvious. The character of Nightmare Moon is hard to directly place in a category due to her many roles later, but her role in controlling the "night" or the "dark time" of the estrus circle makes it clear that she represents a woman on PMS, who quickly conflicts the more harmonious, brighter side of the estrus cycle; her sister.
Twilight: And all this is...
Fallen: Extracted directly from the author’s anus.
Nightmare Moon's attempt to wrench control of her sister can be translated into the irrational, hormonal side of angry women. In an attempt to restore the balance of the estrus cycle, the older sister uses several artifacts called the "Elements of Harmony". The significance of these ovary-shaped objects
Fluttershy: How did the author read all of this into all of that?
is rather vague and, like Nightmare Moon, can represent many things. In this instance though, the older sister uses them to "banish" Nightmare Moon; a metaphor for hormone control pills.
After the introductory part and the theme song is over, we are presented with the main heroine of the story; Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight: Oh no. What are they going to say my role in this is?
It is clear that she too is meant to reinforce the image of the independent, capable woman, and many parallels are drawn between her and the royal sisters. She is bookish, meaning she is knowledgeable in many topics like the alicorns, and her cutie mark represents five stars circling a larger one, akin to the symbol of the royal sisters circling the moon and the sun, or the estrus symbol.
Fallen: You sure? I thought it was a subtle nod to her five friends. And the six points of every star were supposed to mean the Elements of Harmony and its bearers.
Twilight: Don’t YOU start.
By now there is no doubt: Twilight is going to be a major role figure in the storyline.
However, she is not perfect. Note that at the beginning, she refuses to be with "her friends" just to amass more knowledge; this can be seen as her naiveté to all sexual topics, since she shot down an open invitation to "hang out".
Fallen: Not that she can. Unless there’s something you’re not telling us, Twi...
Twilight: WHAT!?
A subplot develops from there; Twilight learning more about the world around her is a metaphor for her discovering her sexuality as the story progresses further.
Her assistant Spike the baby dragon is a matter of some controversy. As the first male character presented in the show, he is small compared to the ponies and serves Twilight's every command. His relationship with her is unclear,
Twilight: What’s that supposed to mean? He’s like a little brother to me!
since this can either be seen as hormonal male teenagers slaving around girls to impress them, or it can further establish the message of female dominance by showing that women are clearly superior to men.
Fallen: (rolls eyes) Please.
Fluttershy: Can we not go there right now?
As a matter of fact, Spike is seen falling down four times in the library scene. Regardless, Spike represents the role of men in the ideal matriarchal society.
At this point, Twilight asks Spike to send a letter to the princess. More parallels between Twilight and the royal sisters can be drawn here; Twilight clearly calls her "my dearest teacher", which implies a deeper connection between the two women.
Twilight: That’s... actually canon within the context of this story. That’s a terrifying thought.
Again Spike is shown to be inferior to Twilight when writing the letter, since he cannot spell the complex, elegant words that Twilight tells him to.
Fallen: And that’s the ONLY time he’s had trouble with that. The scene was supposed to show that Twilight was smart, not that Spike was stupid.
This is obviously another metaphor for female power; Twilight has access to much information (a fact reinforced by the library setting) and is able to easily upstage him while Spike, even with his phallic quill, is unable to cope.
Then comes the matter of Celestia sending Twilight to Ponyville. These are the first steps of Twilight's discovery of her sexuality.
Fluttershy: Well, it’s better for it to happen like this than... well...
Twilight: I know what you’re talking about. That story needs to burn.
She first visits the Apple family, who stereotypically represent the traditional views on sexuality and marriage. Keep in mind that since this show promotes femininity, there are no pejorative southern stereotypes present such as incest or sleazy sexual contacts; instead (as might be attributed to the "Element of Honesty") the character of Applejack might be seen as an example for women who value family and straight marriage;
Twilight: I have no doubt that Applejack’s straight, but I’m pretty sure she’s a lot more open-minded than that.
the latter somewhat ironic in what is to come.
The other "Elements" also show different attributes to sexuality. Rarity represents the typically seductive side of females and overall lust. This is reinforced by her somewhat elegant demeanor and manner of speech,
Fallen: That’s not her being seductive. That’s her being cultured.
Twilight: Not that it gets her far in this line of work...
and the fact that Spike immediately falls for her; another metaphor for female power and their dominance over males, like in this case, where Rarity shows control over the love-stricken Spike.
Fallen: Despite not acknowledging him ONCE throughout.
Rainbow Dash is an overall easy one to guess. Her tomboyish attitude and brash behavior are a generalization of lesbians and homosexuality, a fact which is reinforced by her multicolored mane; an obvious metaphor for the Gay Pride flag.
Fallen: Or a callback to past series, but you know, whatever works for you.
Twilight: This is a series that’s run for decades in your world, isn’t it?
Fallen: As a franchise, yes, but only the new string is any good.
An interesting fact is her personality, as mentioned before. She is loyal to her cause, but sometimes brash and quick to judge and/or threaten those who she deems against her, much like the behavior of many gay right activists. Note also that her appearance is the first part of an overall message: homosexual power. Up until now, there has been very little mention of it, except for the possibly hinted relationship between Twilight and Celestia.
Twilight: I do not and never have had romantic feelings for Princess Celestia!
Pinkie Pie represents nothing else but sex. She is fast, fun-loving and always moving around, much like the attributes you would apply to someone's sexual activities in bed. Her overall pink color scheme and her cutie mark resembling balloons (aka condoms) are another giveaway.
Fallen: And my more or less innocent view of Pinkie Pie has been eternally destroyed.
Finally, there is Fluttershy. Her role might be a bit more confusing: she could either represent the naturally loving and caring instinct of mothers, or just the awkward feelings of love. Nevertheless, her role will become clearer later on.
Fluttershy: Whether or not I want it to...
Also note that all the main characters, excluding the submissive Spike, are female. By now it is unclear if the underlying message of feminine power is going even stronger, or if it is simply another subliminial ploy by vengeful feminists on society.
Fallen: Or the target audience for the show at this point in its life is young girls. That usually translates to a primarily female cast. I mean, NOW they’re aiming for the brony demographic...
WIth the main cast presented, the "action" finally buids up.
The arrival of Nightmare Moon is of course a return to the chaotic PMS energies of women. To defeat her, Twilight and her friends must brave many obstacles to defeat the evil mare, each of them suggesting a close relation to sexuality. First off by letting Twilight "demonstrate" her "trust" towards Applejack;
Fallen: Hey, at least consent’s involved this time.
then by having Rarity use her feminine wiles to "persuade" a "sea serpent" to help them across a river; then letting Pinkie Pie "giggle at the ghosties" (a metaphor for laying down your worries for your first sexual contact);
Twilight: I seriously want to know how the author is coming to all these conclusions.
then letting Fluttershy calm a raging beast using her maternal powers; and finally letting Rainbow Dash have display faith in her loyalty to her friends (lesbians),
Fluttershy: None of us are attracted to mares! I’m certain if any one of us were, she’d have been comfortable telling us by now!
despite pressure from the leecherous Shadowbolts (haters). It is during the course of this adventure that Twilight experiments and discovers her sexuality thanks to the other mares.
Twilight: However THAT works.
The real star of the show is though the Everfree Forest. It is described as an overall evil place by the "harmony"-loving ponies, and is a metaphor for the dangers of sexuality; the hostile wildlife and flora represent STDs while the threatening atmosphere and nighttime represent rape, since dark, threatenting places at night are the perfect setting for rape.
Fallen: Or... the ponies are just used to monitoring the weather, plants and animals.
Even then, the "Elements" trudge on fearlessly. A more docile soul might see this as a metaphor for that love conquers all.
Twilight: But then, the journey ended up being about meeting and making friends. No romance whatsoever.
Now comes the definite message of homosexual power. With the final confrontation against Nightmare Moon, she supposedly smashes the Elements of Harmony and claims that all hope is lost. With the purest forms of feminine power gone and the introduction of "eternal night", Nightmare Moon makes it clear that she will no longer rely upon herself or the female power for self-gratification.
Twilight: So she wants to find a nice stallion and settle down. What’s so wrong about that?
Fluttershy: The eternal night thing?
Twilight: Oh yeah. Right. Nightmare Moon.
Coupled with the setting for the confrontation, a large hall where "pillars" shoot up from the ground into the ceiling, Nightmare Moon means that she will rely on male appendages only for sexual pleasure. By now the feminism is at its most extreme, openly claiming that male hetero activity is evil.
Fallen: That’s a radically extreme view of feminism right there.
All hope is not lost though; Twilight uses all sexual knowledge she has acquired to make the true elements reappear and fires a LGBT beam at Nightmare Moon, cleansing her of all vile hetero desires. Only lesbianism in it's purest form can defeat her, since it proves females are superior to men and do not need them for self-gratification.
Fluttershy: But if they ever want a family, they do need them for breeding. The seed is a requirement of childbirth; even in a lesbian relationship, there’s no way around it.
Fallen: Adoption?
Fluttershy: It was still needed in order for the adopted child to be born.
Nightmare Moon transforms back into Luna and reconciles with her sister; the estrus cycle has returned to normal.
Fallen: As in averted entirely.
Twilight: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work at all.
In the final scene, it shows Twilight and her newfound friends joyfully celebrating the end of hetero tyranny. With Pinkie appearing at the very end, it is clear that the party is but a clever guise for a massive lesbian orgy.
All: HOW!?
Thus, homosexual power is shown to have prevailed.
I have no fucking idea what I just wrote.
Twilight: That can’t be good. THAT’S the scene that the author regrets writing?
by Fagpants McDeathoftheauthor
Fluttershy: ...the feeling hasn’t left yet.
The story begins with an almost transparent metaphor; a female voice detailing the story of the royal sisters and how they "created harmony" across the magical land of Equestria. It is in this introduction that the first important symbol is presented; an image of the royal sisters trailing each other in a circle, with the sun and the moon withing their grasp; a metaphor for the estrus cycle.
Twilight: Is this... a critical analysis of-
Fallen: Of your first adventure. As a metaphor for LGBT power. As if the Netflix thing wasn’t awkward enough...
This quickly exemplifies the female imagery that permeates throughout the story: both sisters give the illusion of being very old and wise, which can be translated into maternal power when taking their "creation of harmony" into account: an obvious symbol for birth. Along with the bright colors and calm music in the background, the theme is clear: the show attempts to elevate female domination,
Fluttershy: ...we didn’t get to choose the gender ratio of Equestria’s population.
which is a bit ironic considering what follows.
The description of the younger sister's transformation serves two motives. The first, more obvious reason is to create a conflict that advances the story. The second, more ulterior reason is at this point less obvious. The character of Nightmare Moon is hard to directly place in a category due to her many roles later, but her role in controlling the "night" or the "dark time" of the estrus circle makes it clear that she represents a woman on PMS, who quickly conflicts the more harmonious, brighter side of the estrus cycle; her sister.
Twilight: And all this is...
Fallen: Extracted directly from the author’s anus.
Nightmare Moon's attempt to wrench control of her sister can be translated into the irrational, hormonal side of angry women. In an attempt to restore the balance of the estrus cycle, the older sister uses several artifacts called the "Elements of Harmony". The significance of these ovary-shaped objects
Fluttershy: How did the author read all of this into all of that?
is rather vague and, like Nightmare Moon, can represent many things. In this instance though, the older sister uses them to "banish" Nightmare Moon; a metaphor for hormone control pills.
After the introductory part and the theme song is over, we are presented with the main heroine of the story; Twilight Sparkle.
Twilight: Oh no. What are they going to say my role in this is?
It is clear that she too is meant to reinforce the image of the independent, capable woman, and many parallels are drawn between her and the royal sisters. She is bookish, meaning she is knowledgeable in many topics like the alicorns, and her cutie mark represents five stars circling a larger one, akin to the symbol of the royal sisters circling the moon and the sun, or the estrus symbol.
Fallen: You sure? I thought it was a subtle nod to her five friends. And the six points of every star were supposed to mean the Elements of Harmony and its bearers.
Twilight: Don’t YOU start.
By now there is no doubt: Twilight is going to be a major role figure in the storyline.
However, she is not perfect. Note that at the beginning, she refuses to be with "her friends" just to amass more knowledge; this can be seen as her naiveté to all sexual topics, since she shot down an open invitation to "hang out".
Fallen: Not that she can. Unless there’s something you’re not telling us, Twi...
Twilight: WHAT!?
A subplot develops from there; Twilight learning more about the world around her is a metaphor for her discovering her sexuality as the story progresses further.
Her assistant Spike the baby dragon is a matter of some controversy. As the first male character presented in the show, he is small compared to the ponies and serves Twilight's every command. His relationship with her is unclear,
Twilight: What’s that supposed to mean? He’s like a little brother to me!
since this can either be seen as hormonal male teenagers slaving around girls to impress them, or it can further establish the message of female dominance by showing that women are clearly superior to men.
Fallen: (rolls eyes) Please.
Fluttershy: Can we not go there right now?
As a matter of fact, Spike is seen falling down four times in the library scene. Regardless, Spike represents the role of men in the ideal matriarchal society.
At this point, Twilight asks Spike to send a letter to the princess. More parallels between Twilight and the royal sisters can be drawn here; Twilight clearly calls her "my dearest teacher", which implies a deeper connection between the two women.
Twilight: That’s... actually canon within the context of this story. That’s a terrifying thought.
Again Spike is shown to be inferior to Twilight when writing the letter, since he cannot spell the complex, elegant words that Twilight tells him to.
Fallen: And that’s the ONLY time he’s had trouble with that. The scene was supposed to show that Twilight was smart, not that Spike was stupid.
This is obviously another metaphor for female power; Twilight has access to much information (a fact reinforced by the library setting) and is able to easily upstage him while Spike, even with his phallic quill, is unable to cope.
Then comes the matter of Celestia sending Twilight to Ponyville. These are the first steps of Twilight's discovery of her sexuality.
Fluttershy: Well, it’s better for it to happen like this than... well...
Twilight: I know what you’re talking about. That story needs to burn.
She first visits the Apple family, who stereotypically represent the traditional views on sexuality and marriage. Keep in mind that since this show promotes femininity, there are no pejorative southern stereotypes present such as incest or sleazy sexual contacts; instead (as might be attributed to the "Element of Honesty") the character of Applejack might be seen as an example for women who value family and straight marriage;
Twilight: I have no doubt that Applejack’s straight, but I’m pretty sure she’s a lot more open-minded than that.
the latter somewhat ironic in what is to come.
The other "Elements" also show different attributes to sexuality. Rarity represents the typically seductive side of females and overall lust. This is reinforced by her somewhat elegant demeanor and manner of speech,
Fallen: That’s not her being seductive. That’s her being cultured.
Twilight: Not that it gets her far in this line of work...
and the fact that Spike immediately falls for her; another metaphor for female power and their dominance over males, like in this case, where Rarity shows control over the love-stricken Spike.
Fallen: Despite not acknowledging him ONCE throughout.
Rainbow Dash is an overall easy one to guess. Her tomboyish attitude and brash behavior are a generalization of lesbians and homosexuality, a fact which is reinforced by her multicolored mane; an obvious metaphor for the Gay Pride flag.
Fallen: Or a callback to past series, but you know, whatever works for you.
Twilight: This is a series that’s run for decades in your world, isn’t it?
Fallen: As a franchise, yes, but only the new string is any good.
An interesting fact is her personality, as mentioned before. She is loyal to her cause, but sometimes brash and quick to judge and/or threaten those who she deems against her, much like the behavior of many gay right activists. Note also that her appearance is the first part of an overall message: homosexual power. Up until now, there has been very little mention of it, except for the possibly hinted relationship between Twilight and Celestia.
Twilight: I do not and never have had romantic feelings for Princess Celestia!
Pinkie Pie represents nothing else but sex. She is fast, fun-loving and always moving around, much like the attributes you would apply to someone's sexual activities in bed. Her overall pink color scheme and her cutie mark resembling balloons (aka condoms) are another giveaway.
Fallen: And my more or less innocent view of Pinkie Pie has been eternally destroyed.
Finally, there is Fluttershy. Her role might be a bit more confusing: she could either represent the naturally loving and caring instinct of mothers, or just the awkward feelings of love. Nevertheless, her role will become clearer later on.
Fluttershy: Whether or not I want it to...
Also note that all the main characters, excluding the submissive Spike, are female. By now it is unclear if the underlying message of feminine power is going even stronger, or if it is simply another subliminial ploy by vengeful feminists on society.
Fallen: Or the target audience for the show at this point in its life is young girls. That usually translates to a primarily female cast. I mean, NOW they’re aiming for the brony demographic...
WIth the main cast presented, the "action" finally buids up.
The arrival of Nightmare Moon is of course a return to the chaotic PMS energies of women. To defeat her, Twilight and her friends must brave many obstacles to defeat the evil mare, each of them suggesting a close relation to sexuality. First off by letting Twilight "demonstrate" her "trust" towards Applejack;
Fallen: Hey, at least consent’s involved this time.
then by having Rarity use her feminine wiles to "persuade" a "sea serpent" to help them across a river; then letting Pinkie Pie "giggle at the ghosties" (a metaphor for laying down your worries for your first sexual contact);
Twilight: I seriously want to know how the author is coming to all these conclusions.
then letting Fluttershy calm a raging beast using her maternal powers; and finally letting Rainbow Dash have display faith in her loyalty to her friends (lesbians),
Fluttershy: None of us are attracted to mares! I’m certain if any one of us were, she’d have been comfortable telling us by now!
despite pressure from the leecherous Shadowbolts (haters). It is during the course of this adventure that Twilight experiments and discovers her sexuality thanks to the other mares.
Twilight: However THAT works.
The real star of the show is though the Everfree Forest. It is described as an overall evil place by the "harmony"-loving ponies, and is a metaphor for the dangers of sexuality; the hostile wildlife and flora represent STDs while the threatening atmosphere and nighttime represent rape, since dark, threatenting places at night are the perfect setting for rape.
Fallen: Or... the ponies are just used to monitoring the weather, plants and animals.
Even then, the "Elements" trudge on fearlessly. A more docile soul might see this as a metaphor for that love conquers all.
Twilight: But then, the journey ended up being about meeting and making friends. No romance whatsoever.
Now comes the definite message of homosexual power. With the final confrontation against Nightmare Moon, she supposedly smashes the Elements of Harmony and claims that all hope is lost. With the purest forms of feminine power gone and the introduction of "eternal night", Nightmare Moon makes it clear that she will no longer rely upon herself or the female power for self-gratification.
Twilight: So she wants to find a nice stallion and settle down. What’s so wrong about that?
Fluttershy: The eternal night thing?
Twilight: Oh yeah. Right. Nightmare Moon.
Coupled with the setting for the confrontation, a large hall where "pillars" shoot up from the ground into the ceiling, Nightmare Moon means that she will rely on male appendages only for sexual pleasure. By now the feminism is at its most extreme, openly claiming that male hetero activity is evil.
Fallen: That’s a radically extreme view of feminism right there.
All hope is not lost though; Twilight uses all sexual knowledge she has acquired to make the true elements reappear and fires a LGBT beam at Nightmare Moon, cleansing her of all vile hetero desires. Only lesbianism in it's purest form can defeat her, since it proves females are superior to men and do not need them for self-gratification.
Fluttershy: But if they ever want a family, they do need them for breeding. The seed is a requirement of childbirth; even in a lesbian relationship, there’s no way around it.
Fallen: Adoption?
Fluttershy: It was still needed in order for the adopted child to be born.
Nightmare Moon transforms back into Luna and reconciles with her sister; the estrus cycle has returned to normal.
Fallen: As in averted entirely.
Twilight: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to work at all.
In the final scene, it shows Twilight and her newfound friends joyfully celebrating the end of hetero tyranny. With Pinkie appearing at the very end, it is clear that the party is but a clever guise for a massive lesbian orgy.
All: HOW!?
Thus, homosexual power is shown to have prevailed.
I have no fucking idea what I just wrote.
Twilight: That can’t be good. THAT’S the scene that the author regrets writing?
Wow. That uh... Didn't really work out as planned. It makes me fear what would come out of my mind if I was drunk. Or high.
Twilight: Or serious.
Fallen: Or competent.
Twilight: Or serious.
Fallen: Or competent.
My Little PONEY: The parody from hell
Chapter 3
Fallen: Revenge of the Sith.
Chapter 3
Fallen: Revenge of the Sith.
Night was still hanging oppresively over the Everfree Forest. That particular night the sky was filled with stars, reflecting the massive universe they were situated in; vast, empty, and full of white spots, like a nude Magic: The Gathering tournament.
Fallen: Bit of a low blow. There are actually still programs dedicated to teaching people how to play that. Not that I have any interest in it at all, I’ve just seen them offered.
Stars of all kinds of shapes and colors hung impassively in the sky, passively observing the struggle mortals carried out in the Everfree. White stars, blue stars, red stars, even brown stars. It takes many colors to make a politically correct star. Too bad there aren't any lesbian stars, I would totally take pictures.
Twilight: Stars are massive balls of gas, though! How can they even HAVE sexuality?
After saying their goodbyes to Steven, the motley crew carried on towards the abandoned castle in the woods. They had some more mishaps along the way (like almost falling off a cliff or Rainbow being offered sexual advances from the Shadowbolts, which she promptly refused)
Fluttershy: THIS Rainbow Dash? She’d probably have been all over the mare of the group.
Fallen: ...wow.
but these events are boring and not relevant to the story.
At all.
Probably.
Fallen: So they glossed completely over everyone’s major trials but Fluttershy’s and Rarity’s. And if they DID Pinkie’s, they turned it into a Boondocks parody.
As they reached the foot of the gates, the mares almost had to look up to the night sky to discern the top of the walls. Virgin tears and satanic symbols coursed across the ramparts, glowing in a demonic red light. A few birds gazed solemnly down upon the visitors with dead eyes. Fluttershy couldn't help but tear up at the miserable, spindly creatures who barely looked like they could fly.
Fluttershy: I can’t look...
Fallen: Pattern recognition. You’re learning.
"Oh, those poor creatures..."
A pile of bird shit landed on her muzzle.
"FUCKING BIRDS!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Except you still looked.
Fluttershy pulled out a tommy gun and held down the trigger, spraying lead and death towards the cackling assholes.
RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA
Fallen: God, those things are fucking annoying! Them and those goddamn Pidgey! They’re like the Zubat of the tall-grass wild encounters!
One by one, they fell from the wall as the bullets ripped through their bodies or exploded in a shower of blood and gore. Fluttershy still held down the trigger even as they all died until the weapon cicked empty. Her angry scowl was replaced by a gentle smile. She wiped off the bird shit with a hoof.
Fallen: ...the sad thing is that that may be my new headcanon.
"Sorry girls. I needed to work out some stress."
"I just knew she was too nice to be true," Twilight muttered under her breath.
Slowly, they entered the massive hall.
Everyone gasped at the scene before them;
Fallen: WOW, that was a foggy bridge.
Twilight: ...what?
Fallen: The scene before this was Rainbow’s loyalty trial.
Mooning Nightmare was busy clopping like fuck to some real nasty rule 34 shit on her laptop, not even bothering to acknowledge the other mares presence. Sweat ran down the alicorn face as her right hoof moved up and down in tact quickly behind her desk, while she used the left hoof to browse around.
Fallen: New addition to my want-to-unsee mental image list: check.
Also the cobweb-covered Elements of Harmony were lying in the corner and gathering dust but no one gave a fuck.
Fluttershy: Why not? Isn’t that why we were even there?
"UuUungh, that's a good one," Mooning gasped in ecstasy as she fell upon a picture of Soarin and Braeburn doing the 69 position.
Fallen: Thank god there isn’t a link.
The other ponies simply stood at the entrance with mortified expressions, too shocked to move or even register what was happening in front of them.
"Ungh.... Owaaaaaaaaa!" Mooning finally climaxed and brought the screen down violently, struggling for breath as she finished. Only then did she notice the other ponies staring at her. Her eyes widened like saucers and her jaw hung loose.
Fallen: “You realize I’ll have to charge you for this. I don’t put on shows for free.”
Twilight: FALLEN!
"Hey, what the fuck! I mean.... Foolish mortals!" She boomed and shoved her desk away, standing up to her full glory. "Thou would dare to enter the castle to challenge me!"
"It ends here Mooning!" Twilight challenged.
Fallen: “Not if loose ties to canon have anything to say about it!”
"Feh! As if!" Mooning laughed and lightning cracked across the sky. "Thou dost not hold thy power to defeat ME! The Elements are in my posession!"
Twilight: I highly doubt she can use them.
Twilight rolled her eyes and used her telekinesis to float them over to her side.
"HEY! Not fair bitch!"
Mooning charged up her horn. Everyone jumped to cover behind some pillars as a dark blast of magic erupted from the alicorn and sped towards the mares. Their cover was blown apart and they were sent both screaming and flying upon each other in a big pile.
Fluttershy: How did the blast propel everypony TOWARDS each other?
Mooning then sent another blast of magic, which destroyed the Elements. Everyone gasped in horror.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Top that, bitches!"
Fallen: Air strike on the entire castle. Checkmate, motherfucker.
And with that, Mooning sped further into the bowels of the castle.
Twilight was paralyzed in shock. The Elements were destroyed. Mooning had escaped. They had failed Molestia. Rainbow orgasmed.
Fluttershy: I sense a running joke.
Twilight: One that makes even less sense here than the first time it was used.
It was all her fault.
The unicorn sunk into a state of deepest depression at her failure, tears flowing down her face. Sobs wracked her body and she fell down to the floor, burying her head underneath her front hooves and crying.
Twilight: ...I will give the story that. When I saw Nightmare Moon shatter the Elements, I really did feel like all hope was lost. But I didn’t blame myself for my failure. I probably would have, but my friends came for me before I could dwell on it.
"It's all my fault! I failed everyone!"
Everyone else approached Twilight with heavy hearts and hugged to poor mare, letting their own tears flow. In the oppresive darkness of the cold and unforgiving castle, they only found comfort in each other.
Fallen: Don’t pretend you want us to care about the characters you’re giving us now. Not after the last few chapters.
Twilight bowled everyone over when she suddenly shot up from the pile of hugging ponies.
"Oh shit! Everyone's getting buttraped if we don't stop her!"
Twilight: So the only thing you need to do to drive yourself to succeed is suddenly remember the consequences of failure?
She quickly sprung to her hooves and pursued the dark alicorn.
"Twilight! Wait for us!" Rainbow shouted but was stopped when a massive black hoof slammed in her way. Standing over the other ponies was a black alicorn with red stripes and snake eyes, his cutie mark representing a skull with wings on fire.
Fallen: Oh good lord, it’s the ultimate generic Gary Stu. The red and black alicorn. Death cutie mark, stripes, snake eyes and all.
The newcomer adopted a heroic pose before speaking out in a clear voice.
"Fear not, beautiful ladies, for I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, will triumph over evil! And then have sex with you all."
Fallen: Marks off for grim/weapon name, delusions of grandeur and lust for the mane six...
Fluttershy: These are common!?
"What in tarnation-"
"Everyone, that creature is a marisoo!" Fluttershy spoke in panic. "Quick! Ignore it!"
Fallen: ...PFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fluttershy: What’s so funny?
Fallen: This- this is- haha- this is fucking beautiful!
As everyone tried their best to tune out the annoying and obnoxious marisoo, said creature was dictating its entire life that was OH SO FUCKING INTERESTING.
"...and my parents were a bunch of haters who beat me every day, and I just hated life in general, because humans are evil and greedy and corrupt and shit, but then I commited suicide and got a second chance at life, so I was reincarnated here in Equestria as an alicorn..."
Fallen: Every goddamn mark! EVERY SINGLE ONE!
Twilight: If this weren’t being done on purpose, I’d have to try and banish the author myself.
He never noticed the others had already left.
Fallen: Wow. That actually put me in a decent mood. And we’re gonna stop here before that gets ruined for me.
Fallen: Bit of a low blow. There are actually still programs dedicated to teaching people how to play that. Not that I have any interest in it at all, I’ve just seen them offered.
Stars of all kinds of shapes and colors hung impassively in the sky, passively observing the struggle mortals carried out in the Everfree. White stars, blue stars, red stars, even brown stars. It takes many colors to make a politically correct star. Too bad there aren't any lesbian stars, I would totally take pictures.
Twilight: Stars are massive balls of gas, though! How can they even HAVE sexuality?
After saying their goodbyes to Steven, the motley crew carried on towards the abandoned castle in the woods. They had some more mishaps along the way (like almost falling off a cliff or Rainbow being offered sexual advances from the Shadowbolts, which she promptly refused)
Fluttershy: THIS Rainbow Dash? She’d probably have been all over the mare of the group.
Fallen: ...wow.
but these events are boring and not relevant to the story.
At all.
Probably.
Fallen: So they glossed completely over everyone’s major trials but Fluttershy’s and Rarity’s. And if they DID Pinkie’s, they turned it into a Boondocks parody.
As they reached the foot of the gates, the mares almost had to look up to the night sky to discern the top of the walls. Virgin tears and satanic symbols coursed across the ramparts, glowing in a demonic red light. A few birds gazed solemnly down upon the visitors with dead eyes. Fluttershy couldn't help but tear up at the miserable, spindly creatures who barely looked like they could fly.
Fluttershy: I can’t look...
Fallen: Pattern recognition. You’re learning.
"Oh, those poor creatures..."
A pile of bird shit landed on her muzzle.
"FUCKING BIRDS!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
Fallen: Except you still looked.
Fluttershy pulled out a tommy gun and held down the trigger, spraying lead and death towards the cackling assholes.
RATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA
Fallen: God, those things are fucking annoying! Them and those goddamn Pidgey! They’re like the Zubat of the tall-grass wild encounters!
One by one, they fell from the wall as the bullets ripped through their bodies or exploded in a shower of blood and gore. Fluttershy still held down the trigger even as they all died until the weapon cicked empty. Her angry scowl was replaced by a gentle smile. She wiped off the bird shit with a hoof.
Fallen: ...the sad thing is that that may be my new headcanon.
"Sorry girls. I needed to work out some stress."
"I just knew she was too nice to be true," Twilight muttered under her breath.
Slowly, they entered the massive hall.
Everyone gasped at the scene before them;
Fallen: WOW, that was a foggy bridge.
Twilight: ...what?
Fallen: The scene before this was Rainbow’s loyalty trial.
Mooning Nightmare was busy clopping like fuck to some real nasty rule 34 shit on her laptop, not even bothering to acknowledge the other mares presence. Sweat ran down the alicorn face as her right hoof moved up and down in tact quickly behind her desk, while she used the left hoof to browse around.
Fallen: New addition to my want-to-unsee mental image list: check.
Also the cobweb-covered Elements of Harmony were lying in the corner and gathering dust but no one gave a fuck.
Fluttershy: Why not? Isn’t that why we were even there?
"UuUungh, that's a good one," Mooning gasped in ecstasy as she fell upon a picture of Soarin and Braeburn doing the 69 position.
Fallen: Thank god there isn’t a link.
The other ponies simply stood at the entrance with mortified expressions, too shocked to move or even register what was happening in front of them.
"Ungh.... Owaaaaaaaaa!" Mooning finally climaxed and brought the screen down violently, struggling for breath as she finished. Only then did she notice the other ponies staring at her. Her eyes widened like saucers and her jaw hung loose.
Fallen: “You realize I’ll have to charge you for this. I don’t put on shows for free.”
Twilight: FALLEN!
"Hey, what the fuck! I mean.... Foolish mortals!" She boomed and shoved her desk away, standing up to her full glory. "Thou would dare to enter the castle to challenge me!"
"It ends here Mooning!" Twilight challenged.
Fallen: “Not if loose ties to canon have anything to say about it!”
"Feh! As if!" Mooning laughed and lightning cracked across the sky. "Thou dost not hold thy power to defeat ME! The Elements are in my posession!"
Twilight: I highly doubt she can use them.
Twilight rolled her eyes and used her telekinesis to float them over to her side.
"HEY! Not fair bitch!"
Mooning charged up her horn. Everyone jumped to cover behind some pillars as a dark blast of magic erupted from the alicorn and sped towards the mares. Their cover was blown apart and they were sent both screaming and flying upon each other in a big pile.
Fluttershy: How did the blast propel everypony TOWARDS each other?
Mooning then sent another blast of magic, which destroyed the Elements. Everyone gasped in horror.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Top that, bitches!"
Fallen: Air strike on the entire castle. Checkmate, motherfucker.
And with that, Mooning sped further into the bowels of the castle.
Twilight was paralyzed in shock. The Elements were destroyed. Mooning had escaped. They had failed Molestia. Rainbow orgasmed.
Fluttershy: I sense a running joke.
Twilight: One that makes even less sense here than the first time it was used.
It was all her fault.
The unicorn sunk into a state of deepest depression at her failure, tears flowing down her face. Sobs wracked her body and she fell down to the floor, burying her head underneath her front hooves and crying.
Twilight: ...I will give the story that. When I saw Nightmare Moon shatter the Elements, I really did feel like all hope was lost. But I didn’t blame myself for my failure. I probably would have, but my friends came for me before I could dwell on it.
"It's all my fault! I failed everyone!"
Everyone else approached Twilight with heavy hearts and hugged to poor mare, letting their own tears flow. In the oppresive darkness of the cold and unforgiving castle, they only found comfort in each other.
Fallen: Don’t pretend you want us to care about the characters you’re giving us now. Not after the last few chapters.
Twilight bowled everyone over when she suddenly shot up from the pile of hugging ponies.
"Oh shit! Everyone's getting buttraped if we don't stop her!"
Twilight: So the only thing you need to do to drive yourself to succeed is suddenly remember the consequences of failure?
She quickly sprung to her hooves and pursued the dark alicorn.
"Twilight! Wait for us!" Rainbow shouted but was stopped when a massive black hoof slammed in her way. Standing over the other ponies was a black alicorn with red stripes and snake eyes, his cutie mark representing a skull with wings on fire.
Fallen: Oh good lord, it’s the ultimate generic Gary Stu. The red and black alicorn. Death cutie mark, stripes, snake eyes and all.
The newcomer adopted a heroic pose before speaking out in a clear voice.
"Fear not, beautiful ladies, for I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, will triumph over evil! And then have sex with you all."
Fallen: Marks off for grim/weapon name, delusions of grandeur and lust for the mane six...
Fluttershy: These are common!?
"What in tarnation-"
"Everyone, that creature is a marisoo!" Fluttershy spoke in panic. "Quick! Ignore it!"
Fallen: ...PFFFFFFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Fluttershy: What’s so funny?
Fallen: This- this is- haha- this is fucking beautiful!
As everyone tried their best to tune out the annoying and obnoxious marisoo, said creature was dictating its entire life that was OH SO FUCKING INTERESTING.
"...and my parents were a bunch of haters who beat me every day, and I just hated life in general, because humans are evil and greedy and corrupt and shit, but then I commited suicide and got a second chance at life, so I was reincarnated here in Equestria as an alicorn..."
Fallen: Every goddamn mark! EVERY SINGLE ONE!
Twilight: If this weren’t being done on purpose, I’d have to try and banish the author myself.
He never noticed the others had already left.
Fallen: Wow. That actually put me in a decent mood. And we’re gonna stop here before that gets ruined for me.
Fallen: That one little scene was just about the greatest thing ever. I think I respect this story a little now. Kudos, I have a jar of dirt, kudos.
Twilight: You did have a rant about alicorn OCs a while ago, I remember. Right after “repopulating alicorns.”
Fallen: Oh, I’ve seen it all. And I’ve even seen WORSE ones since then. There was even one that turned into a goddamn fighter jet for no adequately explained reason and managed to get Luna to fall in love with him despite her apparently HATING him immediately before!
Twilight: Oh no... do we need to get Pinkie to make another call?
Fallen: No, leave Luna out of this. I really don’t want to abuse the video chat thing.
Fluttershy: The way you were talking about this one, though... you made him sound like an archetype for alicorn OCs. I’ve never seen one like this.
Fallen: That’s either good or tragic, I’m not sure which. But that’s another element of bad OCs that raises red flags: the combination of red and black. More often than not, that translates to a black coat with red stripes, red eyes, manes and tails that are either solid red or red mixed with black.
Fluttershy: Those are such morbid colors, though!
Fallen: Exactly why they don’t work. Black shouldn’t even be a color for normal ponies. Not even Thunderlane is completely black; the only pony who even WAS was Nightmare Moon.
Twilight: And I take it they’re made all-powerful due to being alicorns?
Fallen: Absolutely. No weaknesses, no character flaws, loose sense of morality compared to the world around them, usually proficient with deadly weapons... nothing a character in a world of ponies has any right to be. And the manes are usually spiked like anime hair for no other reason than because it’s allegedly cool and edgy. And they usually get bullshit grim backstories that are out-of-place in this universe and cliched almost everywhere else, like their parents or entire families getting killed before their eyes. And the ones who don’t just EXIST or aren’t made to be alleged family to the princesses are bronies who came to Equestria.
Twilight: I would love to never see another human-in-Equestria story again.
Fallen: If Ring has anything to say about it, you won’t have a choice. But that reminds me of ANOTHER reason these cliched asshats never work: they’re automatically loved by all they meet. That tends to extend to you girls, leading inevitably to romance and sex. And all that - ALL that - is almost always done as blatant wish fulfillment, as some cheapskate non-author trying to write out his creepy horsefucking fantasies with the lead OC as a caricature of themselves and share them with the world.
Twilight: You really feel strongly about this, don’t you?
Fallen: Why shouldn’t I? If I’m going into a story, I want to see effort. Well-developed characters, tension and conflict, an engaging story.
Twilight: And yet you liked Transfo-
Fallen: Will you guys stop giving me shit about that!? My POINT is that when I read something, I want it to make me care about who the characters are and what’s happening to them. When the characters are red-and-black omnipotent alicorns and ponified self-inserts, I just can’t do that. They’re the most unlikable jackasses I’ve ever seen most of the time, and their inability to lose or fail means all tension is gone. Invincible heroes are boring, and I can’t stand how authors still try to use them.
Fluttershy: ...can I say something about the weapons point?
Fallen: Exception. You don’t like using the things, and you gave me the only one you had. I get that you know a lot about them, but do you know how to USE any other than that rifle?
Fluttershy: I couldn’t really use any of these guns anyway. Not with these hooves.
Fallen: Exactly. You’re off the hook. I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to hate you anyway.
Fluttershy: Thanks...?
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Twilight: You did have a rant about alicorn OCs a while ago, I remember. Right after “repopulating alicorns.”
Fallen: Oh, I’ve seen it all. And I’ve even seen WORSE ones since then. There was even one that turned into a goddamn fighter jet for no adequately explained reason and managed to get Luna to fall in love with him despite her apparently HATING him immediately before!
Twilight: Oh no... do we need to get Pinkie to make another call?
Fallen: No, leave Luna out of this. I really don’t want to abuse the video chat thing.
Fluttershy: The way you were talking about this one, though... you made him sound like an archetype for alicorn OCs. I’ve never seen one like this.
Fallen: That’s either good or tragic, I’m not sure which. But that’s another element of bad OCs that raises red flags: the combination of red and black. More often than not, that translates to a black coat with red stripes, red eyes, manes and tails that are either solid red or red mixed with black.
Fluttershy: Those are such morbid colors, though!
Fallen: Exactly why they don’t work. Black shouldn’t even be a color for normal ponies. Not even Thunderlane is completely black; the only pony who even WAS was Nightmare Moon.
Twilight: And I take it they’re made all-powerful due to being alicorns?
Fallen: Absolutely. No weaknesses, no character flaws, loose sense of morality compared to the world around them, usually proficient with deadly weapons... nothing a character in a world of ponies has any right to be. And the manes are usually spiked like anime hair for no other reason than because it’s allegedly cool and edgy. And they usually get bullshit grim backstories that are out-of-place in this universe and cliched almost everywhere else, like their parents or entire families getting killed before their eyes. And the ones who don’t just EXIST or aren’t made to be alleged family to the princesses are bronies who came to Equestria.
Twilight: I would love to never see another human-in-Equestria story again.
Fallen: If Ring has anything to say about it, you won’t have a choice. But that reminds me of ANOTHER reason these cliched asshats never work: they’re automatically loved by all they meet. That tends to extend to you girls, leading inevitably to romance and sex. And all that - ALL that - is almost always done as blatant wish fulfillment, as some cheapskate non-author trying to write out his creepy horsefucking fantasies with the lead OC as a caricature of themselves and share them with the world.
Twilight: You really feel strongly about this, don’t you?
Fallen: Why shouldn’t I? If I’m going into a story, I want to see effort. Well-developed characters, tension and conflict, an engaging story.
Twilight: And yet you liked Transfo-
Fallen: Will you guys stop giving me shit about that!? My POINT is that when I read something, I want it to make me care about who the characters are and what’s happening to them. When the characters are red-and-black omnipotent alicorns and ponified self-inserts, I just can’t do that. They’re the most unlikable jackasses I’ve ever seen most of the time, and their inability to lose or fail means all tension is gone. Invincible heroes are boring, and I can’t stand how authors still try to use them.
Fluttershy: ...can I say something about the weapons point?
Fallen: Exception. You don’t like using the things, and you gave me the only one you had. I get that you know a lot about them, but do you know how to USE any other than that rifle?
Fluttershy: I couldn’t really use any of these guns anyway. Not with these hooves.
Fallen: Exactly. You’re off the hook. I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to hate you anyway.
Fluttershy: Thanks...?
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Twilight Sparkle fucking smashed through the floor and landed with a heavy thud, sending a miniature shockwave across the hall which destroyed several Hometrees and killing or injuring several Navi.
Fallen: Suddenly, James Cameron’s Avatar.
The ground which was as hard as diamond or crystals, shattered easily under the force behind Twilight's hooves. She stood up, a child sized part of the floor stuck to her front hooves like bracelets, which she easily pried off.
Twilight: Is... is the story making me a Mary Sue?
Fluttershy: I think it is.
"TAKE THAT YOU FURRY WHORES!" She screamed at the crying and burning blue monkeys. God damn I hate the Navi. The only thing I hate more than the Navi is the enviroment- seriously, fuck air. If you liked that movie you are a furry.
Fallen: I wouldn’t go THAT far. Yeah, it was visually mind-blowing, but I didn’t care that much for it. I had a much warmer reception to Sherlock Holmes, which I’d LITERALLY seen the night before.
Twilight cracked her neck several times before making her way towards the exit. She stepped right into a pool of shit.
"GOD DAMN IS THIS ONE CLUSTERFUCK OF A SHITTY CESS PIT!" She yelled. The entire castle shook. "WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE!"
Fluttershy: Because of the reason...?
Fallen: That’s my line!
As Twilight continued ranting about the shit she had just stepped in, the smell started spreading across the hall and flowing into the noses of surviving Navi.
Fallen: Why are they even in the building in the first place?
"Wait..." One asked as he sniffed the air. "What's... That... SMELL!"
"What are you-" Another one asked before his face contorted into an expression of extreme disgust. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
Everywhere else the Navi's horrified faces turned towards the purple mare.
Fluttershy: I really don’t get what’s happening.
Twilight: Neither do I.
Fallen: Don’t look at me. I saw the damn movie, and this has nothing to do with it.
"WHAT IS THAT SHIT SHE STEPPED IN! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" The yelling Navi threw up in front of everyone else. "BLLLLAAAAARGGHGHHHHHHHHH!"
The smell of vomit incited the others to vomit as well, sending chunks of foul greenish substance in front of another group of Navi. "BLLERGEGLBLERHGBHHBHH BAR F BARF BARF HURRRRL."
And then all those Navi also vomited, projectile spewing great gouts of green spinach like liquid that smelled of vinegar and stale bagels. "BALLGHGHGGHGGH HARRRFF HAGH HACK HACK BLARRGHHHGGHGHG FLLPPPHHRRRAAAGGHGH!"
Twilight: I have never seen that sound effect before. And with any luck, I never will again.
Fluttershy: Why is this happening!?
"OH MY GOD!" gasped one Navi through mouthfuls of vomit and shakily pointed towards Twilight. "The smell… it's like the rotting shit of babies slowly churned in a cow dick grinding slaughter house!"
"No!" screamed another group of Navi. "It's like a carton of rotten eggs stuffed with old custard and dick cheese and whipped into a meat pie blended with dried spit and fried boogers!"
Fallen: This is why I don’t like gross-out humor that much. The people who use it don’t know when to stop.
Then all Navi began puking and shitting at the same time. "NO. NO. It's like the combined shit of ten thousand oriental farmers fertilizing an entire field of skunk cabbage FLOODED WITH MENSTRUATION JUICES!"
The Navi began throwing up their guts until they were dead. Twilight didn't give a single fuck.
Twilight: You know what? I actually kind of don’t.
Fluttershy: I should be feeling bad about this, but the way it’s presented doesn’t make it easy.
She noticed Mooning Nightmare's army of undead minions flocking around her, their savage, twisted features thirsting for the mare's blood. Like always, Twilight didn't give a fuck. They were all pathetically weak and cowardly.
Fallen: Why the fuck are there zombies? No, seriously, what the actual fuck is this?
"HGRGRGHH. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THESE SWINE TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF THEIR CONQUEROR!"
Twilight tore a shotgun from her back and gripped it so hard it became superheated.
Twilight: Wait, WHAT!?
Fluttershy: I don’t even think that can work.
She turned towards the zombies.
"GRAAAAAH!" Her warcry struck fear into the undead's nonexistent hearts and they ran away, but they did not get far.
Twilight: Most of that first wave didn’t have hind legs, and they had to drag themselves across the ground.
"GO THEN!" she bellowed. "GO THEN, SLUTS, AND HIDE BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S SKIRTS." Then she pulled the trigger so hard all the shells in the gun fired at once. A flaming black wall of shotgun pellets erupted from the muzzle of the shotgun, which exploded, as did the rest of the shotgun from the sheer force of the blast. The trillions of pellets all condensed into one giant bullet that plowed through the mob of zombies, wreaking terror and destruction upon their weak womanly bodies.
Fallen: Well. That happened. I think.
"HRRRGGH!" Twilight thrust her pelvis back and forth in the motion of a great warrior taking a willing harlot as she watched a swath of rotting blood erupt from the trench of pulverized bodies she had wrought. She looked down at the smoking handle of the shotgun in her hoof, all that remained of the puny weapon.
Fluttershy: Shotguns aren’t exactly puny.
Fallen: As far as readily accessible weapons go, no, but seriously, look around you.
"FEH." Twilight cast aside the handle and it turned into dust. She turned to leave, but as she did something materialized out of thin air behind her.
Fallen: Kirk realized this was not his intended destination and immediately called to be beamed back onto the Enterprise.
Sparks in the shape of skulls cascaded down the nightmarish representation of a black and horned horse head. A cruel grin spead across its mouth, while blue fire cascaded from its eyes. From it dripped a constant deluge of smoking silver blood, encased in a sheath of blue flames. It was Mooning Nightmare, speaking remotely to Twilight Sparkle.
Fallen: Don’t start going Wizard of Oz on us, story.
"SO." Said Twilight, not turning around or looking at the creature that had brought him to this place. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO, ACCURSED ONE, BRINGING TWILIGHT OF THE SPARKLE
Twilight: I don’t think the author has any idea how ridiculous that sounds.
Fallen: I think he’s very well aware.
HERE TO THIS LABYRINTH, AND NOT OF HER DESIRE AT THAT?"
The head bobbed up and down on an air cushion made of screams, cackling madly. "FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WOULD CHALLENGE A GOD—A GOD OF GODS! IN THIS PLACE I AM THE MASTER, MASTER OF ALL THINGS FAIR AND FOUL!"
Fluttershy: Are you sure Princess Luna isn’t in this story?
Fallen: Think you can cool it on the caps lock, story?
"FOOLISH ATHENIAN!" roared Twilight, smashing her fist into the wall which caused the wall to die. "RELEASE ME FROM THIS MADHOUSE, OR I WILL CAST YOU DOWN AS I HAVE A THOUSAND OTHER GODS BEFORE YOU!"
"NAY!" hissed the Accused Alicorn, slithering through the air like the visible head of an invisible ebony flaming serpent. "NAY, BARBARIAN, YOU WILL DO AS I BID, OR I WILL LEAVE YOU LOCKED WITHIN THIS PLACE TO SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY!"
Twilight: Is this a parody of something?
Fallen: I don’t know anymore.
Twilight rounded on the arrogant trawl. "TRECHAROUS SWINE! I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I WILL NOT BE CHAINED BY ANY MAN'S WILL, GOD OR MORTAL EITHER, OR BOTH!"
"FOOL!" retorted Mooning Nightmare. "LITTLE DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS THE EQUINOX! THE SHADOWS OF ALL THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE FALL UPON YOU, WHILE I RISE TO MY TRUE POWER!"
Fluttershy: Does that even mean anything?
Twilight: I doubt it.
"FOUL KNAVE!" Twilight rounded on the false god, again. "I WILL PLAY ALONG FOR NOW, BUT MARK MY WORDS; YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!".
Fallen: You’re the one saying they can take out an alicorn without any trouble.
Mooning Nightmare laughed. "HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! IF THOU WISH TO FIND ME, GET THEE FROM MY SIGHT, MUSCLE BOUND FOOL,
Twilight: Musclebound...?
Fallen: MORE mental images I could’ve done without.
AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE STYGIAN DEPTHS OF THE ACCURSED HALLS DAMNED SOULS KNOW AS... THE LABYRINTH!"
"BAH!" Twilight spat on the ground, her spit punching a hole through the ground, and into the earth's core. "NO ONE TOYS WITH THE SPARKLE. I SHALL LAY RUIN UPON YOU ONE DAY, SOULESS ONE, MARK MY WORDS."
Fallen: Good luck with that. There won’t be any “days” for as long as she’s around.
With that she turned from the laughing visage of the hell god and marched into the depths of the Labyrinth. As luck would have it, though, she held in her left hoof a ball of yarn, with which she was able to unravel as she walked and so form a gigantic trip wire to trip everyone. And it was good.
Fluttershy: Who’s “everyone?”
Twilight: I don’t know and I can’t bring myself to care.
From the darkness emerged a great beast, made of darkness. The foul Nightmare phage had corrupted its body into a twisted parody of strength and manhood, and it loped as a beast of the field would lope. Twilight stared into the fell eyes of the creature and her lips peeled back in a snarl.
Fallen: And then the thing ate her. The end.
"FOUL CUNTBUCKLER! WHAT BE THY NAME, SO I MAY KNOW THY NAME BEFORE I STRIKE YOU DOWN?"
Twilight: Is linguistic whiplash a thing?
Fallen: The story may have just invented it.
The beast held in its hand a massive blade forged from the fused skeletons of a hundred sinners. It raised that blade above its towering head, the tip brushing the darkened ceiling, such was its length.
Fluttershy: Yes, but how high is the ceiling?
"THE DEVIL CALLS ME THYRIAXS. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME 'DEATH.'"
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE—" snarled Twilight Sparkle, baring her bloody teeth which were all canines. "THAT IS MY NAME AS WELL!"
Twilight: Was that supposed to be threatening? It just sounded cheesy.
And then she leapt high into the air.
"HAVE AT THEE!" screamed the beast, black eyes flaring, and it swung the boneblade in an arc so mighty and so swifty that it clove the air in half.
Twilight: Not scientifically possible.
"FEH!" Twilight brushed the blade aside, in mid air, as she jumped, and planted both rear hooves into the chest of the rotting creature, sending them both toppling backwards to the ground. The beast snapped forwards with jaws of steel and one of its mighty fangs plunged deep into Twilight's shoulder, piercing through muscle and bone alike.
Twilight: Wow. I actually took damage.
Fallen: But in true Mary Sue fashion, I don’t think it’ll keep you down.
The Sparkle grunted from the pain and strained against the creature's vice like jaw with all hooves, trying to stop its foul maw from snapping shut around her. The stench of a million dying worlds blasted into her face, but Twilight only laughed like a mad mare into the mouth of death. Then she strained, and split the creature's lower jaw in half by doing the splits.
Twilight: …
Fluttershy: I’m so lost right now.
Fallen: You and I both.
The monster screamed, and Twilight wrenched, pulled, and tore one of the long deadly halves of the jaw bone from its socket. Her hooves wedged between light saber sharp teeth and she smiled grimly, hauling back and then delivering a palpable blow to the side of the creature's head with its own bone!
THRYRIGIX
Twilight: I thought it was THYRIAXS.
let out a deafening roar of agony that shook the world. It clutched at the bloody mass of puss where an eye had been, only to be silenced when Twilight struck it in the throat, tearing out its throat with its own bone!
Fallen: I’m noticing some redundancy with the mention of body parts here.
The mighty warrior jumped and landed hard on the putrid snout of the beast and then brought her weapon down atop its skull, puncturing through its skull and into its brain with its own bone!
Fluttershy: That sounds painful...
"DIE!" Twilight brought the row of deadly teeth down again and again, until the THRYAXGRAHX's brain case split open and its brain, which was made of flaming rats, spilled out and scattered its burning rodent contents all over the floor.
Fallen: With its own bone!
"YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THIS PLACE!" gurgled THYRXGRGHXXSAFXX as the last vestiges of its foul life ebbed away out of its pulverized head.
"SUCK ON THIS!" Twilight kicked its head off and walked away.
Fallen: That... might have been badass if I could follow any of what was going on.
"HA!" the false god known as Mooning Nightmare bobbed up beside her, trailing a wake of floating dead people on fire. "THAT CREATURE WAS BUT THE FIRST OF MANY YOU MUST FACE IN YOUR QUEST TO FIND ME! DO YOU THINK, PUNY MORTAL, THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT THAT WHICH HAS LAIN HERE FOR CENTURIES!"
Fluttershy: She was on the moon, not in the castle. I think she would have tried shrouding Equestria in eternal night a lot sooner if she were still in Equestria.
The Sparkle turned to look at her with a gaze made of steel. "THINKING IS FOR THE WEAK-I KNOW."
Fallen: Well, now we know that the author must not have been thinking when he wrote this.
"FOOL!" Spluttered the equine monstrosity as blood sprayed from its crevices. All of them. "YOU WILL DIE HERE, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AND YOU WILL BE THE MASTER OF NOTHING BUT BONES, WRAPPED IN YOUR OWN REMAINS AND INHALING THE FOUL DECAY OF AGES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"
"YOU TALK TOO MUCH."
Twilight: Does she? With all the capital letters, I lost track of who was talking.
Twilight backhoofed the floating head across the room. It smashed into a wall, but instantly regained its balance.
"I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT A THOUSAND TIMES!"
It zipped away into a nearby ventilation shaft.
Fluttershy: Ventilation shafts in a thousand-year-old abandoned castle in the middle of a forest?
Fallen: Seems legit.
Fallen: Suddenly, James Cameron’s Avatar.
The ground which was as hard as diamond or crystals, shattered easily under the force behind Twilight's hooves. She stood up, a child sized part of the floor stuck to her front hooves like bracelets, which she easily pried off.
Twilight: Is... is the story making me a Mary Sue?
Fluttershy: I think it is.
"TAKE THAT YOU FURRY WHORES!" She screamed at the crying and burning blue monkeys. God damn I hate the Navi. The only thing I hate more than the Navi is the enviroment- seriously, fuck air. If you liked that movie you are a furry.
Fallen: I wouldn’t go THAT far. Yeah, it was visually mind-blowing, but I didn’t care that much for it. I had a much warmer reception to Sherlock Holmes, which I’d LITERALLY seen the night before.
Twilight cracked her neck several times before making her way towards the exit. She stepped right into a pool of shit.
"GOD DAMN IS THIS ONE CLUSTERFUCK OF A SHITTY CESS PIT!" She yelled. The entire castle shook. "WHY IS THIS EVEN HERE!"
Fluttershy: Because of the reason...?
Fallen: That’s my line!
As Twilight continued ranting about the shit she had just stepped in, the smell started spreading across the hall and flowing into the noses of surviving Navi.
Fallen: Why are they even in the building in the first place?
"Wait..." One asked as he sniffed the air. "What's... That... SMELL!"
"What are you-" Another one asked before his face contorted into an expression of extreme disgust. "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"
Everywhere else the Navi's horrified faces turned towards the purple mare.
Fluttershy: I really don’t get what’s happening.
Twilight: Neither do I.
Fallen: Don’t look at me. I saw the damn movie, and this has nothing to do with it.
"WHAT IS THAT SHIT SHE STEPPED IN! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" The yelling Navi threw up in front of everyone else. "BLLLLAAAAARGGHGHHHHHHHHH!"
The smell of vomit incited the others to vomit as well, sending chunks of foul greenish substance in front of another group of Navi. "BLLERGEGLBLERHGBHHBHH BAR F BARF BARF HURRRRL."
And then all those Navi also vomited, projectile spewing great gouts of green spinach like liquid that smelled of vinegar and stale bagels. "BALLGHGHGGHGGH HARRRFF HAGH HACK HACK BLARRGHHHGGHGHG FLLPPPHHRRRAAAGGHGH!"
Twilight: I have never seen that sound effect before. And with any luck, I never will again.
Fluttershy: Why is this happening!?
"OH MY GOD!" gasped one Navi through mouthfuls of vomit and shakily pointed towards Twilight. "The smell… it's like the rotting shit of babies slowly churned in a cow dick grinding slaughter house!"
"No!" screamed another group of Navi. "It's like a carton of rotten eggs stuffed with old custard and dick cheese and whipped into a meat pie blended with dried spit and fried boogers!"
Fallen: This is why I don’t like gross-out humor that much. The people who use it don’t know when to stop.
Then all Navi began puking and shitting at the same time. "NO. NO. It's like the combined shit of ten thousand oriental farmers fertilizing an entire field of skunk cabbage FLOODED WITH MENSTRUATION JUICES!"
The Navi began throwing up their guts until they were dead. Twilight didn't give a single fuck.
Twilight: You know what? I actually kind of don’t.
Fluttershy: I should be feeling bad about this, but the way it’s presented doesn’t make it easy.
She noticed Mooning Nightmare's army of undead minions flocking around her, their savage, twisted features thirsting for the mare's blood. Like always, Twilight didn't give a fuck. They were all pathetically weak and cowardly.
Fallen: Why the fuck are there zombies? No, seriously, what the actual fuck is this?
"HGRGRGHH. I WILL NOT DIGNIFY THESE SWINE TO LOOK UPON THE FACE OF THEIR CONQUEROR!"
Twilight tore a shotgun from her back and gripped it so hard it became superheated.
Twilight: Wait, WHAT!?
Fluttershy: I don’t even think that can work.
She turned towards the zombies.
"GRAAAAAH!" Her warcry struck fear into the undead's nonexistent hearts and they ran away, but they did not get far.
Twilight: Most of that first wave didn’t have hind legs, and they had to drag themselves across the ground.
"GO THEN!" she bellowed. "GO THEN, SLUTS, AND HIDE BEHIND YOUR MOTHER'S SKIRTS." Then she pulled the trigger so hard all the shells in the gun fired at once. A flaming black wall of shotgun pellets erupted from the muzzle of the shotgun, which exploded, as did the rest of the shotgun from the sheer force of the blast. The trillions of pellets all condensed into one giant bullet that plowed through the mob of zombies, wreaking terror and destruction upon their weak womanly bodies.
Fallen: Well. That happened. I think.
"HRRRGGH!" Twilight thrust her pelvis back and forth in the motion of a great warrior taking a willing harlot as she watched a swath of rotting blood erupt from the trench of pulverized bodies she had wrought. She looked down at the smoking handle of the shotgun in her hoof, all that remained of the puny weapon.
Fluttershy: Shotguns aren’t exactly puny.
Fallen: As far as readily accessible weapons go, no, but seriously, look around you.
"FEH." Twilight cast aside the handle and it turned into dust. She turned to leave, but as she did something materialized out of thin air behind her.
Fallen: Kirk realized this was not his intended destination and immediately called to be beamed back onto the Enterprise.
Sparks in the shape of skulls cascaded down the nightmarish representation of a black and horned horse head. A cruel grin spead across its mouth, while blue fire cascaded from its eyes. From it dripped a constant deluge of smoking silver blood, encased in a sheath of blue flames. It was Mooning Nightmare, speaking remotely to Twilight Sparkle.
Fallen: Don’t start going Wizard of Oz on us, story.
"SO." Said Twilight, not turning around or looking at the creature that had brought him to this place. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DO, ACCURSED ONE, BRINGING TWILIGHT OF THE SPARKLE
Twilight: I don’t think the author has any idea how ridiculous that sounds.
Fallen: I think he’s very well aware.
HERE TO THIS LABYRINTH, AND NOT OF HER DESIRE AT THAT?"
The head bobbed up and down on an air cushion made of screams, cackling madly. "FOOLISH MORTAL! YOU WOULD CHALLENGE A GOD—A GOD OF GODS! IN THIS PLACE I AM THE MASTER, MASTER OF ALL THINGS FAIR AND FOUL!"
Fluttershy: Are you sure Princess Luna isn’t in this story?
Fallen: Think you can cool it on the caps lock, story?
"FOOLISH ATHENIAN!" roared Twilight, smashing her fist into the wall which caused the wall to die. "RELEASE ME FROM THIS MADHOUSE, OR I WILL CAST YOU DOWN AS I HAVE A THOUSAND OTHER GODS BEFORE YOU!"
"NAY!" hissed the Accused Alicorn, slithering through the air like the visible head of an invisible ebony flaming serpent. "NAY, BARBARIAN, YOU WILL DO AS I BID, OR I WILL LEAVE YOU LOCKED WITHIN THIS PLACE TO SUFFER FOR ALL ETERNITY!"
Twilight: Is this a parody of something?
Fallen: I don’t know anymore.
Twilight rounded on the arrogant trawl. "TRECHAROUS SWINE! I AM TWILIGHT SPARKLE! I WILL NOT BE CHAINED BY ANY MAN'S WILL, GOD OR MORTAL EITHER, OR BOTH!"
"FOOL!" retorted Mooning Nightmare. "LITTLE DO YOU KNOW THAT IT IS THE EQUINOX! THE SHADOWS OF ALL THE PLANETS IN THE UNIVERSE FALL UPON YOU, WHILE I RISE TO MY TRUE POWER!"
Fluttershy: Does that even mean anything?
Twilight: I doubt it.
"FOUL KNAVE!" Twilight rounded on the false god, again. "I WILL PLAY ALONG FOR NOW, BUT MARK MY WORDS; YOU SHALL PAY FOR YOUR ARROGANCE!".
Fallen: You’re the one saying they can take out an alicorn without any trouble.
Mooning Nightmare laughed. "HA! HAHAHAHAHAHA! IF THOU WISH TO FIND ME, GET THEE FROM MY SIGHT, MUSCLE BOUND FOOL,
Twilight: Musclebound...?
Fallen: MORE mental images I could’ve done without.
AND TRAVEL THROUGH THE STYGIAN DEPTHS OF THE ACCURSED HALLS DAMNED SOULS KNOW AS... THE LABYRINTH!"
"BAH!" Twilight spat on the ground, her spit punching a hole through the ground, and into the earth's core. "NO ONE TOYS WITH THE SPARKLE. I SHALL LAY RUIN UPON YOU ONE DAY, SOULESS ONE, MARK MY WORDS."
Fallen: Good luck with that. There won’t be any “days” for as long as she’s around.
With that she turned from the laughing visage of the hell god and marched into the depths of the Labyrinth. As luck would have it, though, she held in her left hoof a ball of yarn, with which she was able to unravel as she walked and so form a gigantic trip wire to trip everyone. And it was good.
Fluttershy: Who’s “everyone?”
Twilight: I don’t know and I can’t bring myself to care.
From the darkness emerged a great beast, made of darkness. The foul Nightmare phage had corrupted its body into a twisted parody of strength and manhood, and it loped as a beast of the field would lope. Twilight stared into the fell eyes of the creature and her lips peeled back in a snarl.
Fallen: And then the thing ate her. The end.
"FOUL CUNTBUCKLER! WHAT BE THY NAME, SO I MAY KNOW THY NAME BEFORE I STRIKE YOU DOWN?"
Twilight: Is linguistic whiplash a thing?
Fallen: The story may have just invented it.
The beast held in its hand a massive blade forged from the fused skeletons of a hundred sinners. It raised that blade above its towering head, the tip brushing the darkened ceiling, such was its length.
Fluttershy: Yes, but how high is the ceiling?
"THE DEVIL CALLS ME THYRIAXS. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME 'DEATH.'"
"WHAT A COINCIDENCE—" snarled Twilight Sparkle, baring her bloody teeth which were all canines. "THAT IS MY NAME AS WELL!"
Twilight: Was that supposed to be threatening? It just sounded cheesy.
And then she leapt high into the air.
"HAVE AT THEE!" screamed the beast, black eyes flaring, and it swung the boneblade in an arc so mighty and so swifty that it clove the air in half.
Twilight: Not scientifically possible.
"FEH!" Twilight brushed the blade aside, in mid air, as she jumped, and planted both rear hooves into the chest of the rotting creature, sending them both toppling backwards to the ground. The beast snapped forwards with jaws of steel and one of its mighty fangs plunged deep into Twilight's shoulder, piercing through muscle and bone alike.
Twilight: Wow. I actually took damage.
Fallen: But in true Mary Sue fashion, I don’t think it’ll keep you down.
The Sparkle grunted from the pain and strained against the creature's vice like jaw with all hooves, trying to stop its foul maw from snapping shut around her. The stench of a million dying worlds blasted into her face, but Twilight only laughed like a mad mare into the mouth of death. Then she strained, and split the creature's lower jaw in half by doing the splits.
Twilight: …
Fluttershy: I’m so lost right now.
Fallen: You and I both.
The monster screamed, and Twilight wrenched, pulled, and tore one of the long deadly halves of the jaw bone from its socket. Her hooves wedged between light saber sharp teeth and she smiled grimly, hauling back and then delivering a palpable blow to the side of the creature's head with its own bone!
THRYRIGIX
Twilight: I thought it was THYRIAXS.
let out a deafening roar of agony that shook the world. It clutched at the bloody mass of puss where an eye had been, only to be silenced when Twilight struck it in the throat, tearing out its throat with its own bone!
Fallen: I’m noticing some redundancy with the mention of body parts here.
The mighty warrior jumped and landed hard on the putrid snout of the beast and then brought her weapon down atop its skull, puncturing through its skull and into its brain with its own bone!
Fluttershy: That sounds painful...
"DIE!" Twilight brought the row of deadly teeth down again and again, until the THRYAXGRAHX's brain case split open and its brain, which was made of flaming rats, spilled out and scattered its burning rodent contents all over the floor.
Fallen: With its own bone!
"YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THIS PLACE!" gurgled THYRXGRGHXXSAFXX as the last vestiges of its foul life ebbed away out of its pulverized head.
"SUCK ON THIS!" Twilight kicked its head off and walked away.
Fallen: That... might have been badass if I could follow any of what was going on.
"HA!" the false god known as Mooning Nightmare bobbed up beside her, trailing a wake of floating dead people on fire. "THAT CREATURE WAS BUT THE FIRST OF MANY YOU MUST FACE IN YOUR QUEST TO FIND ME! DO YOU THINK, PUNY MORTAL, THAT YOU CAN DEFEAT THAT WHICH HAS LAIN HERE FOR CENTURIES!"
Fluttershy: She was on the moon, not in the castle. I think she would have tried shrouding Equestria in eternal night a lot sooner if she were still in Equestria.
The Sparkle turned to look at her with a gaze made of steel. "THINKING IS FOR THE WEAK-I KNOW."
Fallen: Well, now we know that the author must not have been thinking when he wrote this.
"FOOL!" Spluttered the equine monstrosity as blood sprayed from its crevices. All of them. "YOU WILL DIE HERE, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, AND YOU WILL BE THE MASTER OF NOTHING BUT BONES, WRAPPED IN YOUR OWN REMAINS AND INHALING THE FOUL DECAY OF AGES FOR ALL ETERNITY!"
"YOU TALK TOO MUCH."
Twilight: Does she? With all the capital letters, I lost track of who was talking.
Twilight backhoofed the floating head across the room. It smashed into a wall, but instantly regained its balance.
"I WILL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT A THOUSAND TIMES!"
It zipped away into a nearby ventilation shaft.
Fluttershy: Ventilation shafts in a thousand-year-old abandoned castle in the middle of a forest?
Fallen: Seems legit.
Stay tuned for the next chapter.
Fallen: You mean it’s STILL not done!?
Pinkie: (from TV) Nope! He actually published the last chapter while you were riffing these ones!
Fallen: WHAT!?
Twilight: Let’s... let’s just go. We’ve seen enough.
Fallen: You mean it’s STILL not done!?
Pinkie: (from TV) Nope! He actually published the last chapter while you were riffing these ones!
Fallen: WHAT!?
Twilight: Let’s... let’s just go. We’ve seen enough.
Fallen: Oh god. There’s actually still more.
Dash: (from TV) Yeah, there is. But I think we’ll be nice enough this time to not make you sit through it.
Fallen: THANK you.
Dash: Yet.
Fallen: Heh?
Pinkie: (from TV) Yep! We’re gonna let you guys hang out there for awhile until we get the last chapter set up!
Twilight: didn’t you already do that to Fallen, though? AND Rarity?
Pinkie: We did, and we’ll do it again!
Fallen: Yeah. Fine, whatever. It’s not like I had a life outside this armory or anything...
Fluttershy: Well... if you insist on keeping us here, can you at least promise it won’t be for long?
Dash: It’s not gonna be another two months, that’s for sure.
Fluttershy: Thank goodness! I’m just worried about all the animals I’m supposed to be caring for.
Dash: Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy. We’ve got that base covered. And it’s not Spike this time.
Twilight: Speaking of Spike... who’s going to take care of HIM?
Fallen: Owlowiscious seems pretty capable.
Twilight: He’s also an OWL.
Fallen: And Spike’s a dragon. Your point?
Fluttershy: Can we please not have a giant argument right now? The last one that happened was... stressful.
Fallen: Right, sorry.
Twilight: So... what are we going to do to pass the time between chapters?
Fallen: ...Friendshi-
Twilight: And don’t say Friendship Is Magic.
Fallen: Fine. Any bright ideas, Sparkle?
Fluttershy: We could still watch something else, though, right?
Twilight: I guess. You might as well just turn on Netflix right away when the stories end from now on, Fallen.
Fallen: Assuming you’re not let out and don’t leave right away, I guess. I think I know just the thing, too.
(Fallen gears up Netflix, and right at the front of the “Watch It Again” category lies Doctor Who.)
Fallen: Right here. This show is amazing. You have no idea. Twilight, I’m sure you’d LOVE it.
Twilight: That depends. What’s it about?
Fallen: A guy who has adventures throughout space and time, most often with a companion. There’s a unifying story behind a nice chunk of it, especially from season five onward, but it’s too convoluted and complex for detailed description to really be a good idea.
Twilight: Space and time... sounds a little like those rumors involving Time Turner.
Fallen: I think Derpy’s little drop-in during “Pinkie Pie’s Fishing Adventure” confirmed those for me. Even CALLED him “the Doctor.”
Twilight: That could be anypony, though.
Fallen: I’m not so sure. Now then... do we start from the beginning, or should I let one of you pick an episode?
Fluttershy: What about this one? “Blink?” It sounds innocent enough...
Fallen: I’d say yes if anyone else was here with me, but you’re going to shit yourself in fear if you start off with that one.
Fluttershy: Okay then... “The Empty Child?”
Fallen: Still too scary for a first episode for you.
Twilight: How about “Silence in the Library?”
Fallen: ...you know what, we should just start from the first episode.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got break sign!
Dash: (from TV) Yeah, there is. But I think we’ll be nice enough this time to not make you sit through it.
Fallen: THANK you.
Dash: Yet.
Fallen: Heh?
Pinkie: (from TV) Yep! We’re gonna let you guys hang out there for awhile until we get the last chapter set up!
Twilight: didn’t you already do that to Fallen, though? AND Rarity?
Pinkie: We did, and we’ll do it again!
Fallen: Yeah. Fine, whatever. It’s not like I had a life outside this armory or anything...
Fluttershy: Well... if you insist on keeping us here, can you at least promise it won’t be for long?
Dash: It’s not gonna be another two months, that’s for sure.
Fluttershy: Thank goodness! I’m just worried about all the animals I’m supposed to be caring for.
Dash: Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy. We’ve got that base covered. And it’s not Spike this time.
Twilight: Speaking of Spike... who’s going to take care of HIM?
Fallen: Owlowiscious seems pretty capable.
Twilight: He’s also an OWL.
Fallen: And Spike’s a dragon. Your point?
Fluttershy: Can we please not have a giant argument right now? The last one that happened was... stressful.
Fallen: Right, sorry.
Twilight: So... what are we going to do to pass the time between chapters?
Fallen: ...Friendshi-
Twilight: And don’t say Friendship Is Magic.
Fallen: Fine. Any bright ideas, Sparkle?
Fluttershy: We could still watch something else, though, right?
Twilight: I guess. You might as well just turn on Netflix right away when the stories end from now on, Fallen.
Fallen: Assuming you’re not let out and don’t leave right away, I guess. I think I know just the thing, too.
(Fallen gears up Netflix, and right at the front of the “Watch It Again” category lies Doctor Who.)
Fallen: Right here. This show is amazing. You have no idea. Twilight, I’m sure you’d LOVE it.
Twilight: That depends. What’s it about?
Fallen: A guy who has adventures throughout space and time, most often with a companion. There’s a unifying story behind a nice chunk of it, especially from season five onward, but it’s too convoluted and complex for detailed description to really be a good idea.
Twilight: Space and time... sounds a little like those rumors involving Time Turner.
Fallen: I think Derpy’s little drop-in during “Pinkie Pie’s Fishing Adventure” confirmed those for me. Even CALLED him “the Doctor.”
Twilight: That could be anypony, though.
Fallen: I’m not so sure. Now then... do we start from the beginning, or should I let one of you pick an episode?
Fluttershy: What about this one? “Blink?” It sounds innocent enough...
Fallen: I’d say yes if anyone else was here with me, but you’re going to shit yourself in fear if you start off with that one.
Fluttershy: Okay then... “The Empty Child?”
Fallen: Still too scary for a first episode for you.
Twilight: How about “Silence in the Library?”
Fallen: ...you know what, we should just start from the first episode.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got break sign!
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