FP Riffs 2: My Little PONEY: The parody from hell, Part 3
Yep. “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell.” The final chapter.
Seriously, do you think I’m capable of still having words for this story? Shame on you.
Seriously, do you think I’m capable of still having words for this story? Shame on you.
Twilight Sparkle: Was it always this dull, the waiting for the next chapter?
Fallen Prime: You’re the one who didn’t want to watch anything else on Netflix once we watched all of Doctor Who. That’s what usually kept Rarity and I occupied.
Twilight: You saw Fluttershy after “Blink!” I have no idea why you thought it was a good idea to let her keep watching!
Fluttershy: I still liked it, though! The Tenth Doctor’s regeneration was really sad...
Fallen: It was masturbation on the part of the departing showrunner. But I do have to admit that I enjoyed that sequence. Plus, the Eleventh’s introduction was fun.
Fluttershy: I do really like this new actor in the role. I hope Amy and Rory last much longer as his companions!
Fallen: I... don’t think I should tell you how the newest episode ended, then...
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) OOH! You mean the episode where the Weeping Angels were attacking and Amy and Rory had to jump off a-
Fallen: STOP RIGHT THERE.
Pinkie: Sorry.
Fallen: I take it we’re getting ready to finish “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell?”
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) That’s the idea.
Fallen: Good. Start it up.
Fluttershy: Already? We usually spend more time talking, don’t we? I really like just talking.
Fallen: I don’t want to be here much longer. The sooner this gets done, the better.
Twilight: I have to agree. Let’s see it, Pinkie.
Pinkie: You’ve got it!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fallen Prime: You’re the one who didn’t want to watch anything else on Netflix once we watched all of Doctor Who. That’s what usually kept Rarity and I occupied.
Twilight: You saw Fluttershy after “Blink!” I have no idea why you thought it was a good idea to let her keep watching!
Fluttershy: I still liked it, though! The Tenth Doctor’s regeneration was really sad...
Fallen: It was masturbation on the part of the departing showrunner. But I do have to admit that I enjoyed that sequence. Plus, the Eleventh’s introduction was fun.
Fluttershy: I do really like this new actor in the role. I hope Amy and Rory last much longer as his companions!
Fallen: I... don’t think I should tell you how the newest episode ended, then...
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) OOH! You mean the episode where the Weeping Angels were attacking and Amy and Rory had to jump off a-
Fallen: STOP RIGHT THERE.
Pinkie: Sorry.
Fallen: I take it we’re getting ready to finish “My Little PONEY: The parody from hell?”
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) That’s the idea.
Fallen: Good. Start it up.
Fluttershy: Already? We usually spend more time talking, don’t we? I really like just talking.
Fallen: I don’t want to be here much longer. The sooner this gets done, the better.
Twilight: I have to agree. Let’s see it, Pinkie.
Pinkie: You’ve got it!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
The passengers cowered in fear as the masked men travelled down the aisle of the aeroplane, holding their weapons in clear view for everyone to see. The message was clear: you move, you die.
Fallen: I hope this isn’t going where I think it is.
Fluttershy: Where do you think it’s going?
Fallen: At minimum, stereotypical Muslims hijacking a plane. At worst, a jab at the worst terrorist attack on my country in recent history.
In the cockpit stood a single man with a middle-eastern complexion and a small mustache, holding a gun pressed to the terrified pilot's head and a video camera pointed towards his own face in the other hand.
Twilight: ...why does he have a video camera?
Fallen: Good question. If he intends to crash the plane into something rather than just hijack it, that thing’s getting totaled.
Suddenly, the pilot eyes widened in terror; the plane was heading right for the side of a building!
Fallen: Yep. 9/11. Goddammit, I have a jar of dirt.
His captor merely grinned and looked at the camera with a smile.
"Hi, I'm Khalid al-Mihdhar, and this is Jackass."
Twilight: Wait, what?
Fluttershy: Is it... a prank?
"What the fu-"
Everything erupted on fire.
Fallen: Clearly not.
Fluttershy: Did that really happen!?
Fallen: Minus the camera thing, yes. Four planes, three hitting their mark. The twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City came right down. Thousands dead.
Twilight: This is so insensitive! How could you make fun of something like that!?
Fallen: Well, partly because it was eleven years ago, and partly because this author just doesn’t give a shit.
Fallen: I hope this isn’t going where I think it is.
Fluttershy: Where do you think it’s going?
Fallen: At minimum, stereotypical Muslims hijacking a plane. At worst, a jab at the worst terrorist attack on my country in recent history.
In the cockpit stood a single man with a middle-eastern complexion and a small mustache, holding a gun pressed to the terrified pilot's head and a video camera pointed towards his own face in the other hand.
Twilight: ...why does he have a video camera?
Fallen: Good question. If he intends to crash the plane into something rather than just hijack it, that thing’s getting totaled.
Suddenly, the pilot eyes widened in terror; the plane was heading right for the side of a building!
Fallen: Yep. 9/11. Goddammit, I have a jar of dirt.
His captor merely grinned and looked at the camera with a smile.
"Hi, I'm Khalid al-Mihdhar, and this is Jackass."
Twilight: Wait, what?
Fluttershy: Is it... a prank?
"What the fu-"
Everything erupted on fire.
Fallen: Clearly not.
Fluttershy: Did that really happen!?
Fallen: Minus the camera thing, yes. Four planes, three hitting their mark. The twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City came right down. Thousands dead.
Twilight: This is so insensitive! How could you make fun of something like that!?
Fallen: Well, partly because it was eleven years ago, and partly because this author just doesn’t give a shit.
My Little PONEY: The parody from hell
Chapter 4: IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!
Fallen: And we’ve never been more thankful for it.
Chapter 4: IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!
Fallen: And we’ve never been more thankful for it.
"ENOUGH!" roared Twilight as a wave of necrotic flesh spilled from every other ventilation shaft and rushed towards her, brandishing rusted weapons packed with bullets covered in spikes and mutated limbs weaponized by the devious designs of the Nightmare.
Fluttershy: That all sounds very impractical. Almost like making nunchaku out of swords.
Fallen: I actually have a set of sword-chucks. No damn clue how to use them, and I’m scared to try, but they’re there.
"WEAKLINGS! YOU WOULD DARE CHALLENGE THE SPARKLE!" She swung the deadly, man sized jaw bone and cut down the first dozen combatant forms that lurched forwards. A tsunami of shredded yellow flesh sprayed over her glistening muscles.
Twilight: I don’t know if I enjoy this mental picture.
Fallen: I don’t think you should.
"I'LL SHOVE CURLY STRAWS THROUGH YOUR SKULLS AND DRINK YOUR FUCKING SOULS!"
Fallen: Do zombies even still have souls?
Twilight punched a zombie so hard that it died all over again, and then came back to life and she killed it again. Motherfucker.
Twilight: ...what.
Twilight grabbed a chain saw that was on the ground and started it. She swung it like a combat knife, sawing through wave after wave of zombies with a backhand grip, just like a pro knife fighter like Steven Segal would except with a chain saw.
Fallen: I don't know if that's an affront to physics or practicality.
Billions of zombies fell to her pro-like skills, and Twilight let out a roar of triumph. She grabbed a roll of duct tape and taped the chainsaw to her horn, so that wherever she looked everything would die—assuming of course that it was close enough for her to see it.
Twilight: I know offensive magic. I think I'd try using that more.
Twilight swung her head left and right, casting her chain saw laser eye beams
Fluttershy: ...does she have eye beams and chainsaw lasers, or is she shooting chainsaws out of her eyes?
Twilight: Either way, it sounds painful.
about the dank chambers of that blood hazed torture gulag known as the Labyrinthion. A fluid that was fifty percent liquefied flesh, fifty percent blood, and ten percent fuck went everywhere, covering everything with itself.
Fallen: Yep. Everything’s covered in fuck. Nothing here doesn’t seem legit.
"YES!" Twilight threw her hooves to the ceiling, caught them on their way down, and then used them like ninja sticks to beat the ever loving shit out of every single zombie in the room.
Twilight: I have detachable limbs? How even-
Suddenly a dinosaur attacked! It was a T-REX, its once majestic body twisted and deformed by the invasive designs of the foul, corrupting influence of steroid abuse. Where the tiny T-REX arms used primarily for mid-coital back rubs had once been, now there were equally tiny tentacular appendages used for mid-coital deep tissue massages.
Fallen: Tentacle T-rex. Of course.
Also, two enormous testicular fire sacks hung from its broad chin, full of mighty cumfire ready to spray instant death.
Fluttershy: That... makes no evolutionary sense.
"HEHEHEHEHEHA HA HA HA HA!" roared the T-REX in the voice of acting star and pop culture sensation Bruce Campbell, "SPARKLE, YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED TYRGRHAXGAHRATYRGRAXHARGRAX BUT YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME."
Fallen: I see no chainsaw hand or boomstick. You are not Ash Williams. Get that weak shit out of here.
"SILENCE, GIANT SACK LIZARD." Twilight flexed her body, causing the chain saw to pop off her head and fall to the ground, its mechanism too clogged with gelatinous chunks of shredded gore meat to work anymore.
Twilight: How much would it take to clog a chainsaw?
Fallen: No idea, but I’m just gonna say that’s damned impressive.
Twilight picked up a half loaded assault rifle from the floor, punched into it, and pulled out a handful of bullets.
Fallen: You know, with her hands.
"FOOLISH PONY," laughed the Brucasaurus. "YOU NEED A GUN TO FIRE BULLETS."
"FEH," said Twilight. "I NEED NO BULLETS TO FIRE A GUN!"
Fallen: Technically true. It’ll still go off if you load it with blanks.
Then she threw the bullets at the Camballsaurus so hard that they accelerated to seven times the velocity of normal gun bullets and all penetrated the cum fire sack on the dinosaur's head. Hot napalm spewed out of the hole in the sack.
Fluttershy: That sounds painful.
Fallen: You can’t even IMAGINE how painful it sounds on my end.
"AAAIEEEE!" screamed the T-REX in the voice of David Sedaris. "THE PAIN-THE PAIN!"
Twilight turned away like she was some pro shit. "I CARE NOT FOR YOUR SENSATIONS."
As the Dinosaur fell Twilight walked on, itching for more combat.
Fluttershy: I hope they sell cream for that.
A group of zombies barged around the corner and charged her.
Twilight: Cash or check?
Among them were, shockingly, hundreds more Campbellsaurs, their massive testicle chins swinging to and fro as the charged on their huge chickensaur feet, caring for naught that they crushed puny undead beneath.
Twilight: Considering how easily I handled everything before it, I doubt this will overwhelm me.
But above them all stood a creature of magnitifuderence
Fallen: (facepalm, headdesk)
Fluttershy: What’s wrong, Fallen?
Fallen: I’m not getting anything saying “magnitifuderence” is spelled wrong, so I looked it up.
Twilight: Why? I can say with all confidence that it isn’t a word.
Fallen: No, it’s not. But it was used before. This is copying text from “HAYLO: The Parody From Hell.” And I didn’t even realize it until now because I’d never read it.
Twilight: Wow. This guy got you GOOD.
Fallen: Explains everything about the last chapter too. This just turned into plagiarism.
far beyond the pale of normal words. It was composed of a million dead bodies, all fused together to create a single, terrible, fleshy, bony, calciferous arm; billions of other dead bodies were also part of it, and they made up its other arm and both legs.
Twilight: Just to clarify... this is still supposed to be happening inside the ruins of the old castle, right?
The dead bodies had merged into a single unit, a massive flesh golem without a face, without a nose or eyes or ears—indeed, without a face, but for its massive gaping The Maw that oozed constant pus and gaseous exchanges from the continually hell furnace hot core of its rotted being. It was the size of a house—nay, two houses!
Fluttershy: I think several billions of bodies would be too much to even fit in that many houses.
Twilight: That thing could probably level a city block in one step!
The monstrosity raised one club like hand to point at Twilight Sparkle.
She stared back at the demon without a trace of fear. "THIS," stated the great warrior "IS AN ABOMINATION THAT MUST BE PURGED."
Twilight: Good. We agree on something. This story should stop existing.
She began to flex her muscles, but that was only the beginning. After she finished flexing her muscles, Twilight pulled a rail road spike from the wall and jammed it into her own chest, making a blood sacrifice to Mars, the God of War.
Fallen: That’s gonna be a fun discussion to try and have with Kratos...
"OH GREAT MARS!" roared Twilight as the infinite horde approached. The literal wall of zombies toppled over, then restacked, then toppled over, spilling its towering wall of flesh over and over again as an infinite amount of undead foes pressed towards the single mare alone.
Fluttershy: The smell must be awful!
"OH GREAT MARS I CALL ON YOU IN MY HOUR OF NEED. GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CLEANSE THIS ULCER FROM THE UNDERBELLY OF THE EARTH."
The Sparkle brought up a hoof, punched into her own chest, and pulled out her own heart with the railroad spike in it, raising it high to the heavens as an offering.
Twilight: What the actual BUCK.
Fluttershy: Language!
Time stopped.
From the very air itself a portal emerged—a portal of screaming mouths, eyes, of souls banished to oblivion forever.
Fallen: Nice place for a summer home.
A figure clad in bleached white robes and a copper crown strained from the Black Gate, pulling against a hundred maleficent arms that tried to pull him back. Twilight watched the figure struggle.
Men do not need help.
Twilight: What does any of this have to do with men in the first place?
The figure finally collapsed to the ground before her, and yet when it stood it stood with stately precision and grace. The man surveyed her with brilliant eyes, hands folded humbly before her.
"So. Twilight Sparkle," said Julius Caesar. "You would make an offering of your heart to our god, Mars?"
Fluttershy: I’m not sure I like your gods...
Fallen: We don’t have those ones anymore.
"AYE," stated Twilight, squeezing her heart. Some blood came out. "WHAT OBJECTION DO YOU HAVE, MIGHTY CAESAR?" she asked, for she well knew that the only time men ever need to talk to each other is when they disagree.
Twilight: That would make business transactions more confusing and awkward. Also, I’m not happy that you keep calling me a man.
"I come to offer you a warning, my daughter," said Caesar sagely.
Twilight: Wait, DAUGHTER!?
"Listen well: I smote the facile Republic of Rome and in its place imposed the hardcore rule of my iron dick-will. And yet, at the last, I stood alone at the feet of the statue of Pompey Magnus, my arch nemesis and once ally.
Fallen: I’m probably gonna want to do a fact check to see how much of this was pulled out of the original author’s ass.
I died there, surrounded by weak fools, the very power of Rome itself just out of grasp. So I say to you now, Twilight Sparkle, remember me: though I ruled the world with all the power one could ever have, I was never invincible. Know this as you offer your meat and blood to the God of War. Remember me. Remember me! REMEMBER ME!"
Fluttershy: Who?
And then Great Caesar's Ghost turned and strode without fear into the black hell mouth, which closed with a crack of thunder and a rushing of sensation as time returned to normal.
Twilight nodded silently to the Ghost of Caesar, wherever he may have been. "I WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS, GREAT MENTOR, FRIEND, AND…FATHER."
Twilight: ...my dad’s name is Night Light. And I’m pretty sure he’s not a ghost from an evil dimension.
Then she cut her own heart in half and threw her hoof to the sky, clutching the very essence of her life.
The fucking ceiling broke open.
Fallen: As fucking ceilings are wont to do.
A blood night red sky was revealed, and in its dead center a black moon as black as night hovered. The stars fell out of the sky all around, crashing down through the remnants of the ceiling to clatter to the floor around Twilight's feet.
Twilight: I think there would be much bigger issues if there was A STAR ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH A PLANET.
The black moon became bigger, bigger, larger, moving closer and closer. Everyone stared, even the zombies, until the Twilight realized what it was.
It was an eye. A great, monospherical eye,
Twilight: ...is it saying the eye is only one sphere? Because most eyes are singular spheres.
the eye of Mars himself. And the red around the eye was not the sky, but the ruddy face of Mars. And the stars that had fallen to earth were his dandruff, which was made of diamonds.
Fluttershy: That would be so pretty to see... millions of diamonds falling from the sky like that...
"YOU HAVE CALLED ME, AND I HAVE COME!" came a voice that shook reality itself. "YOU HAVE GIVEN ME YOUR LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER. KNOW NOW THAT ONCE SUCH A PATH IS TAKEN, IT MAY NEVER BE RECINDED UPON."
"ONLY A WEAK MARE KNOWS," spat Twilight into the eye of the god. "I DO."
Fallen: It alternates so often between calling Twilight a mare and calling her a man that now my not noticing that this was carried over from another story just seems stupid.
"YOU HAVE SPIRIT," chortled the God. "SO BE IT!" There was a flash of light that seemed to wipe away all the shadows that had ever been cast. When the world blinked bleary eyes and looked, Twilight was holding the Spear of Destiny in her hooves.
Twilight: ...I give up.
Fallen: I need to keep a tally sheet of how many times I hear you say that and not actually quit.
She looked down at the weapon, then at her smooth unblemished chest where moments ago there had been a terrible wound. The Sparkle could no longer feel her heart, and the truth dawned on her.
Her body was now running on pure testosterone.
Twilight: Completely outside the realm of possibility.
Twilight held the spear head of the spear of destiny in her hoof and turned towards the infinite undead horde. The dim light of the library glinted off the ebony length of the weapon that had killed the Christian God.
Fallen: So all this time, one of the most powerful religions in world history has been worshipping a corpse.
She pointed at the zombies.
"COME THEN. COME TO YOUR DEATHS."
Fallen: “WELCOME TO DIE!”
They did, their billion footfalls shaking the very earth itself. The maniple of charging Brucesaurs that breathed liquid jizz fire charged too. Twilight growled and swung the Spear of Destiny at them. Something huge and white blossomed from the spear tip,
All: EW.
shooting towards the zombies with a righteous fury. It was a Jesus Christ.
Fallen: Wait, A Jesus Christ?
The son of god shot into the horde at ten thousand miles per hour, spearing one of the Mega Scrotal dinosaurs in the heart. Blood and pus flew everywhere, and as The Sparkle swung the great black spear again another Jesus erupted from its tip, cutting a swath of destruction through the horde with his holy host.
Twilight: I’m so lost.
Fallen: Shut up, this could be awesome.
The two Jesus super clones rose from the blood soaked wreckage their holy bodies had wrought and turned to each other. Each was wearing nothing but a loin cloth and two over lapping bandoliers that held nothing but bullets in the shapes of crucifixes.
Fluttershy: How could you even fire a bullet shaped like that?
The first Jesus turned to Twilight.
"My daughter," he said solemnly, his flowing brown beard contrasting nicely with his very white, anglo saxon skin stretching over a bulging thirty six pack and pectorals the size of six ounce steaks.
Fallen: Wow. Way too much masculinity. You know which series this is attached to, right?
"My daughter…I require a boon of you."
Twilight took a knee. "WHAT DO YOU WISH OF ME, WHITE GOD?"
Twilight: If this... thing... is supposed to be my dad, why am I addressing him like that?
Fluttershy: How many fathers does the story think you have?
Jesus reached into his loin cloth and produced a pair of sunglasses, which he then put on.
"Guns," said the first Jesus. "Lots of guns."
Fallen: Because there’s no other way to solve anything in this story.
Twilight nodded wordlessly, because real men speak as few words as possible to each other. She swung the spear in the general direction of the Jesuses, which as well as producing a third Jesus to join them also created an entire gun rack full of weaponry.
Fallen: Holy shit, this might actually be the most amazing thing ever.
"Looks like we got ourselves a holy trinity," said the second Jesus to the first Jesus.
"You're blessed right," stated the third Jesus, putting on two pairs of sun glasses.
Fallen: Yeah, just keep going. This is really impossible to screw up.
Fluttershy: I don’t get the appeal of any of this.
He grabbed a crossbow made of the bones of liberals off of the rack, then removed exactly twelve crucibolts from his bandolier and loaded them into the automatic loading clip on the crossbow, which was shaped like the pope's hat. At the same time, the other two Jesuses loaded up; the first Jesus equipped himself with a machine gun that shot razor blade sharp wafers at two thousand rounds per minute.
Fallen: Sounds like a delicious way to die.
The second Jesus grabbed an enormous papal mace that even he had to wield with both hands. The mace was covered in spikes shaped like the pope's hat.
"God bless," growled the first Jesus. "Let's go kill these blessed cocksuckers."
Fluttershy: I think we should stop...
Fallen: Yeah, my brain’s going to crash if we don’t.
Fluttershy: That all sounds very impractical. Almost like making nunchaku out of swords.
Fallen: I actually have a set of sword-chucks. No damn clue how to use them, and I’m scared to try, but they’re there.
"WEAKLINGS! YOU WOULD DARE CHALLENGE THE SPARKLE!" She swung the deadly, man sized jaw bone and cut down the first dozen combatant forms that lurched forwards. A tsunami of shredded yellow flesh sprayed over her glistening muscles.
Twilight: I don’t know if I enjoy this mental picture.
Fallen: I don’t think you should.
"I'LL SHOVE CURLY STRAWS THROUGH YOUR SKULLS AND DRINK YOUR FUCKING SOULS!"
Fallen: Do zombies even still have souls?
Twilight punched a zombie so hard that it died all over again, and then came back to life and she killed it again. Motherfucker.
Twilight: ...what.
Twilight grabbed a chain saw that was on the ground and started it. She swung it like a combat knife, sawing through wave after wave of zombies with a backhand grip, just like a pro knife fighter like Steven Segal would except with a chain saw.
Fallen: I don't know if that's an affront to physics or practicality.
Billions of zombies fell to her pro-like skills, and Twilight let out a roar of triumph. She grabbed a roll of duct tape and taped the chainsaw to her horn, so that wherever she looked everything would die—assuming of course that it was close enough for her to see it.
Twilight: I know offensive magic. I think I'd try using that more.
Twilight swung her head left and right, casting her chain saw laser eye beams
Fluttershy: ...does she have eye beams and chainsaw lasers, or is she shooting chainsaws out of her eyes?
Twilight: Either way, it sounds painful.
about the dank chambers of that blood hazed torture gulag known as the Labyrinthion. A fluid that was fifty percent liquefied flesh, fifty percent blood, and ten percent fuck went everywhere, covering everything with itself.
Fallen: Yep. Everything’s covered in fuck. Nothing here doesn’t seem legit.
"YES!" Twilight threw her hooves to the ceiling, caught them on their way down, and then used them like ninja sticks to beat the ever loving shit out of every single zombie in the room.
Twilight: I have detachable limbs? How even-
Suddenly a dinosaur attacked! It was a T-REX, its once majestic body twisted and deformed by the invasive designs of the foul, corrupting influence of steroid abuse. Where the tiny T-REX arms used primarily for mid-coital back rubs had once been, now there were equally tiny tentacular appendages used for mid-coital deep tissue massages.
Fallen: Tentacle T-rex. Of course.
Also, two enormous testicular fire sacks hung from its broad chin, full of mighty cumfire ready to spray instant death.
Fluttershy: That... makes no evolutionary sense.
"HEHEHEHEHEHA HA HA HA HA!" roared the T-REX in the voice of acting star and pop culture sensation Bruce Campbell, "SPARKLE, YOU MAY HAVE DEFEATED TYRGRHAXGAHRATYRGRAXHARGRAX BUT YOU WILL NEVER DEFEAT ME."
Fallen: I see no chainsaw hand or boomstick. You are not Ash Williams. Get that weak shit out of here.
"SILENCE, GIANT SACK LIZARD." Twilight flexed her body, causing the chain saw to pop off her head and fall to the ground, its mechanism too clogged with gelatinous chunks of shredded gore meat to work anymore.
Twilight: How much would it take to clog a chainsaw?
Fallen: No idea, but I’m just gonna say that’s damned impressive.
Twilight picked up a half loaded assault rifle from the floor, punched into it, and pulled out a handful of bullets.
Fallen: You know, with her hands.
"FOOLISH PONY," laughed the Brucasaurus. "YOU NEED A GUN TO FIRE BULLETS."
"FEH," said Twilight. "I NEED NO BULLETS TO FIRE A GUN!"
Fallen: Technically true. It’ll still go off if you load it with blanks.
Then she threw the bullets at the Camballsaurus so hard that they accelerated to seven times the velocity of normal gun bullets and all penetrated the cum fire sack on the dinosaur's head. Hot napalm spewed out of the hole in the sack.
Fluttershy: That sounds painful.
Fallen: You can’t even IMAGINE how painful it sounds on my end.
"AAAIEEEE!" screamed the T-REX in the voice of David Sedaris. "THE PAIN-THE PAIN!"
Twilight turned away like she was some pro shit. "I CARE NOT FOR YOUR SENSATIONS."
As the Dinosaur fell Twilight walked on, itching for more combat.
Fluttershy: I hope they sell cream for that.
A group of zombies barged around the corner and charged her.
Twilight: Cash or check?
Among them were, shockingly, hundreds more Campbellsaurs, their massive testicle chins swinging to and fro as the charged on their huge chickensaur feet, caring for naught that they crushed puny undead beneath.
Twilight: Considering how easily I handled everything before it, I doubt this will overwhelm me.
But above them all stood a creature of magnitifuderence
Fallen: (facepalm, headdesk)
Fluttershy: What’s wrong, Fallen?
Fallen: I’m not getting anything saying “magnitifuderence” is spelled wrong, so I looked it up.
Twilight: Why? I can say with all confidence that it isn’t a word.
Fallen: No, it’s not. But it was used before. This is copying text from “HAYLO: The Parody From Hell.” And I didn’t even realize it until now because I’d never read it.
Twilight: Wow. This guy got you GOOD.
Fallen: Explains everything about the last chapter too. This just turned into plagiarism.
far beyond the pale of normal words. It was composed of a million dead bodies, all fused together to create a single, terrible, fleshy, bony, calciferous arm; billions of other dead bodies were also part of it, and they made up its other arm and both legs.
Twilight: Just to clarify... this is still supposed to be happening inside the ruins of the old castle, right?
The dead bodies had merged into a single unit, a massive flesh golem without a face, without a nose or eyes or ears—indeed, without a face, but for its massive gaping The Maw that oozed constant pus and gaseous exchanges from the continually hell furnace hot core of its rotted being. It was the size of a house—nay, two houses!
Fluttershy: I think several billions of bodies would be too much to even fit in that many houses.
Twilight: That thing could probably level a city block in one step!
The monstrosity raised one club like hand to point at Twilight Sparkle.
She stared back at the demon without a trace of fear. "THIS," stated the great warrior "IS AN ABOMINATION THAT MUST BE PURGED."
Twilight: Good. We agree on something. This story should stop existing.
She began to flex her muscles, but that was only the beginning. After she finished flexing her muscles, Twilight pulled a rail road spike from the wall and jammed it into her own chest, making a blood sacrifice to Mars, the God of War.
Fallen: That’s gonna be a fun discussion to try and have with Kratos...
"OH GREAT MARS!" roared Twilight as the infinite horde approached. The literal wall of zombies toppled over, then restacked, then toppled over, spilling its towering wall of flesh over and over again as an infinite amount of undead foes pressed towards the single mare alone.
Fluttershy: The smell must be awful!
"OH GREAT MARS I CALL ON YOU IN MY HOUR OF NEED. GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO CLEANSE THIS ULCER FROM THE UNDERBELLY OF THE EARTH."
The Sparkle brought up a hoof, punched into her own chest, and pulled out her own heart with the railroad spike in it, raising it high to the heavens as an offering.
Twilight: What the actual BUCK.
Fluttershy: Language!
Time stopped.
From the very air itself a portal emerged—a portal of screaming mouths, eyes, of souls banished to oblivion forever.
Fallen: Nice place for a summer home.
A figure clad in bleached white robes and a copper crown strained from the Black Gate, pulling against a hundred maleficent arms that tried to pull him back. Twilight watched the figure struggle.
Men do not need help.
Twilight: What does any of this have to do with men in the first place?
The figure finally collapsed to the ground before her, and yet when it stood it stood with stately precision and grace. The man surveyed her with brilliant eyes, hands folded humbly before her.
"So. Twilight Sparkle," said Julius Caesar. "You would make an offering of your heart to our god, Mars?"
Fluttershy: I’m not sure I like your gods...
Fallen: We don’t have those ones anymore.
"AYE," stated Twilight, squeezing her heart. Some blood came out. "WHAT OBJECTION DO YOU HAVE, MIGHTY CAESAR?" she asked, for she well knew that the only time men ever need to talk to each other is when they disagree.
Twilight: That would make business transactions more confusing and awkward. Also, I’m not happy that you keep calling me a man.
"I come to offer you a warning, my daughter," said Caesar sagely.
Twilight: Wait, DAUGHTER!?
"Listen well: I smote the facile Republic of Rome and in its place imposed the hardcore rule of my iron dick-will. And yet, at the last, I stood alone at the feet of the statue of Pompey Magnus, my arch nemesis and once ally.
Fallen: I’m probably gonna want to do a fact check to see how much of this was pulled out of the original author’s ass.
I died there, surrounded by weak fools, the very power of Rome itself just out of grasp. So I say to you now, Twilight Sparkle, remember me: though I ruled the world with all the power one could ever have, I was never invincible. Know this as you offer your meat and blood to the God of War. Remember me. Remember me! REMEMBER ME!"
Fluttershy: Who?
And then Great Caesar's Ghost turned and strode without fear into the black hell mouth, which closed with a crack of thunder and a rushing of sensation as time returned to normal.
Twilight nodded silently to the Ghost of Caesar, wherever he may have been. "I WILL REMEMBER YOU ALWAYS, GREAT MENTOR, FRIEND, AND…FATHER."
Twilight: ...my dad’s name is Night Light. And I’m pretty sure he’s not a ghost from an evil dimension.
Then she cut her own heart in half and threw her hoof to the sky, clutching the very essence of her life.
The fucking ceiling broke open.
Fallen: As fucking ceilings are wont to do.
A blood night red sky was revealed, and in its dead center a black moon as black as night hovered. The stars fell out of the sky all around, crashing down through the remnants of the ceiling to clatter to the floor around Twilight's feet.
Twilight: I think there would be much bigger issues if there was A STAR ON A COLLISION COURSE WITH A PLANET.
The black moon became bigger, bigger, larger, moving closer and closer. Everyone stared, even the zombies, until the Twilight realized what it was.
It was an eye. A great, monospherical eye,
Twilight: ...is it saying the eye is only one sphere? Because most eyes are singular spheres.
the eye of Mars himself. And the red around the eye was not the sky, but the ruddy face of Mars. And the stars that had fallen to earth were his dandruff, which was made of diamonds.
Fluttershy: That would be so pretty to see... millions of diamonds falling from the sky like that...
"YOU HAVE CALLED ME, AND I HAVE COME!" came a voice that shook reality itself. "YOU HAVE GIVEN ME YOUR LIFE IN EXCHANGE FOR POWER. KNOW NOW THAT ONCE SUCH A PATH IS TAKEN, IT MAY NEVER BE RECINDED UPON."
"ONLY A WEAK MARE KNOWS," spat Twilight into the eye of the god. "I DO."
Fallen: It alternates so often between calling Twilight a mare and calling her a man that now my not noticing that this was carried over from another story just seems stupid.
"YOU HAVE SPIRIT," chortled the God. "SO BE IT!" There was a flash of light that seemed to wipe away all the shadows that had ever been cast. When the world blinked bleary eyes and looked, Twilight was holding the Spear of Destiny in her hooves.
Twilight: ...I give up.
Fallen: I need to keep a tally sheet of how many times I hear you say that and not actually quit.
She looked down at the weapon, then at her smooth unblemished chest where moments ago there had been a terrible wound. The Sparkle could no longer feel her heart, and the truth dawned on her.
Her body was now running on pure testosterone.
Twilight: Completely outside the realm of possibility.
Twilight held the spear head of the spear of destiny in her hoof and turned towards the infinite undead horde. The dim light of the library glinted off the ebony length of the weapon that had killed the Christian God.
Fallen: So all this time, one of the most powerful religions in world history has been worshipping a corpse.
She pointed at the zombies.
"COME THEN. COME TO YOUR DEATHS."
Fallen: “WELCOME TO DIE!”
They did, their billion footfalls shaking the very earth itself. The maniple of charging Brucesaurs that breathed liquid jizz fire charged too. Twilight growled and swung the Spear of Destiny at them. Something huge and white blossomed from the spear tip,
All: EW.
shooting towards the zombies with a righteous fury. It was a Jesus Christ.
Fallen: Wait, A Jesus Christ?
The son of god shot into the horde at ten thousand miles per hour, spearing one of the Mega Scrotal dinosaurs in the heart. Blood and pus flew everywhere, and as The Sparkle swung the great black spear again another Jesus erupted from its tip, cutting a swath of destruction through the horde with his holy host.
Twilight: I’m so lost.
Fallen: Shut up, this could be awesome.
The two Jesus super clones rose from the blood soaked wreckage their holy bodies had wrought and turned to each other. Each was wearing nothing but a loin cloth and two over lapping bandoliers that held nothing but bullets in the shapes of crucifixes.
Fluttershy: How could you even fire a bullet shaped like that?
The first Jesus turned to Twilight.
"My daughter," he said solemnly, his flowing brown beard contrasting nicely with his very white, anglo saxon skin stretching over a bulging thirty six pack and pectorals the size of six ounce steaks.
Fallen: Wow. Way too much masculinity. You know which series this is attached to, right?
"My daughter…I require a boon of you."
Twilight took a knee. "WHAT DO YOU WISH OF ME, WHITE GOD?"
Twilight: If this... thing... is supposed to be my dad, why am I addressing him like that?
Fluttershy: How many fathers does the story think you have?
Jesus reached into his loin cloth and produced a pair of sunglasses, which he then put on.
"Guns," said the first Jesus. "Lots of guns."
Fallen: Because there’s no other way to solve anything in this story.
Twilight nodded wordlessly, because real men speak as few words as possible to each other. She swung the spear in the general direction of the Jesuses, which as well as producing a third Jesus to join them also created an entire gun rack full of weaponry.
Fallen: Holy shit, this might actually be the most amazing thing ever.
"Looks like we got ourselves a holy trinity," said the second Jesus to the first Jesus.
"You're blessed right," stated the third Jesus, putting on two pairs of sun glasses.
Fallen: Yeah, just keep going. This is really impossible to screw up.
Fluttershy: I don’t get the appeal of any of this.
He grabbed a crossbow made of the bones of liberals off of the rack, then removed exactly twelve crucibolts from his bandolier and loaded them into the automatic loading clip on the crossbow, which was shaped like the pope's hat. At the same time, the other two Jesuses loaded up; the first Jesus equipped himself with a machine gun that shot razor blade sharp wafers at two thousand rounds per minute.
Fallen: Sounds like a delicious way to die.
The second Jesus grabbed an enormous papal mace that even he had to wield with both hands. The mace was covered in spikes shaped like the pope's hat.
"God bless," growled the first Jesus. "Let's go kill these blessed cocksuckers."
Fluttershy: I think we should stop...
Fallen: Yeah, my brain’s going to crash if we don’t.
Twilight: So this was plagiarized from another story?
Fallen: Basically, yeah. I think it started at chapter three. 29P was, too; for the most part, it was a snowclone of “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” some Harry Potter fic.
Fluttershy: Well... I guess it explains why he updated the chapters so quickly.
Fallen: I even looked this up. It’s specifically from chapter 7 part 1. This AND last chapter. And looking through that story... the style’s pretty similar all-around. Completely lifted sequence aside, this is a pretty damn good stylistic adaptation. I have a whole new level of admiration for this story.
Twilight: You’re basically saying you like him for doing a good job of ripping someone else off.
Fallen: I dunno. This whole sequence feels out-of-place, and I don’t even think it made sense in the source material’s context either. Better job than most, though.
Twilight: ...what’s that supposed to mean?
Fallen: Believe it or not... though at this point, it’s hard not to... I’ve seen plenty of other stories that tried to paraphrase or directly lift quotes or scenes from other works. Ripoffs of your brother’s wedding are a dime a dozen.
Twilight: Seriously?
Fallen: I’ve seen at least four stories that played out the events of the wedding but added their own characters to either do their own thing while they happened or literally sit there and do nothing while it all went down around them.
Twilight: So... in a way, that idea of being unoriginal has itself become unoriginal.
Fallen: Yep. I’ve also seen the same author try to stretch the friends-over-dreams dilemma Rainbow Dash went through into a full story AND stuff a gigantic Gary Stu of an OC into the Discord fight.
Twilight: And you’re positive that they’re not trolls? You can never be too sure.
Fallen: No, this guy was legit. In fact, he’s rewriting the Discord one, even though I doubt he’s going to change enough of it to actually be readable. Also deleted the original story, though I managed to back it up.
Twilight: And let me guess. We’re going to have to see it at some point.
Fallen: If I can help it, yes.
Fluttershy: How bad could it really be?
Fallen: Doesn’t matter now. You just tempted fate by asking.
Fluttershy: ...oh...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fallen: Basically, yeah. I think it started at chapter three. 29P was, too; for the most part, it was a snowclone of “HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” some Harry Potter fic.
Fluttershy: Well... I guess it explains why he updated the chapters so quickly.
Fallen: I even looked this up. It’s specifically from chapter 7 part 1. This AND last chapter. And looking through that story... the style’s pretty similar all-around. Completely lifted sequence aside, this is a pretty damn good stylistic adaptation. I have a whole new level of admiration for this story.
Twilight: You’re basically saying you like him for doing a good job of ripping someone else off.
Fallen: I dunno. This whole sequence feels out-of-place, and I don’t even think it made sense in the source material’s context either. Better job than most, though.
Twilight: ...what’s that supposed to mean?
Fallen: Believe it or not... though at this point, it’s hard not to... I’ve seen plenty of other stories that tried to paraphrase or directly lift quotes or scenes from other works. Ripoffs of your brother’s wedding are a dime a dozen.
Twilight: Seriously?
Fallen: I’ve seen at least four stories that played out the events of the wedding but added their own characters to either do their own thing while they happened or literally sit there and do nothing while it all went down around them.
Twilight: So... in a way, that idea of being unoriginal has itself become unoriginal.
Fallen: Yep. I’ve also seen the same author try to stretch the friends-over-dreams dilemma Rainbow Dash went through into a full story AND stuff a gigantic Gary Stu of an OC into the Discord fight.
Twilight: And you’re positive that they’re not trolls? You can never be too sure.
Fallen: No, this guy was legit. In fact, he’s rewriting the Discord one, even though I doubt he’s going to change enough of it to actually be readable. Also deleted the original story, though I managed to back it up.
Twilight: And let me guess. We’re going to have to see it at some point.
Fallen: If I can help it, yes.
Fluttershy: How bad could it really be?
Fallen: Doesn’t matter now. You just tempted fate by asking.
Fluttershy: ...oh...
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Meanwhile, the rest of the Mane 6 had pursued their companion into the bowels of the stygian halls of the Labyrinth, witnessing the destruction she had wrought in her path.
Fallen: ...okay, this branches off from the other thing. I think Jar’s writing this bit himself.
Liquefied bodies and blood were smeared everywhere across the walls; not an inch of the corridors wasn't covered in messy liquids.
Fallen: Put this Twilight in The Walking Dead. All the zombies would die, and the whole show would be about developing the survivors’ characters. Well, MORE about that.
"Daaamn foo, Twilight cleaning up in da house tonight," said Rarity as she wiped off some brain matter that was stuck to her hooves.
Twilight: I think she’d be more disgusted than that.
Fallen: THIS Rarity?
Twilight: Oh yeah. Right.
The mares kept following the corpse-ridden path to Twilight before thet noticed lights emerging from a door in the middle of the corridor. As they opened the door, they were greeted with a sight that made them raise their eyebrow in surprise.
Fluttershy: They all only had one eyebrow?
Neatly organized plastic chairs and tables filled the room, where scores of Nightmare zombies milled around or stood in line for the cafeteria. An overweight zombie food lady with an apron and the meanest look you've ever seen on a regular living food lady poured some mysterious, moving greyish sludge onto the eagerly awaiting zombies' plate with her ladle.
Twilight: But since they weren’t brains, the zombies refused to eat them.
Casual conversations were heard across the room, drowning out the slow elevator music that played in the background. Hey, even undead, bloodthirsty abominations spawned from the nightmares of fat roleplayers and following the cult of an anal fetishist have to eat sometimes.
Fallen: Technically, I don’t think they do. If they actually NEEDED to feast on human flesh, lowering the human population enough would doom the zombies to mass starvation.
Rainbow's jaw unhinged. "What the fu-"
Fallen: Suddenly, nuclear explosion and maniacal laughter.
Every single conversation in the room went silent as all the zombies turned towards the ponies. Silverware clattered onto tables and plates were dropped in surprise as an uncomfortable silence settled over the mess hall. No one even bothered to notice the tumbleweed roll across the floor.
Twilight: Except the narrator, clearly.
At that moment the cafeteria's cook burst through the kitchen door. In one hoof he held a pie that gleamed with a deadly light. He threw it like a saucer and the pie zinged towards Rainbow, who cried out in panic and threw herself to the side, narrowly avoiding being decapitated.
Fluttershy: By a pie? How?
"FOOD FIGHT!"
Applejack and Pinkie kicked over a few tables while everypony dove to cover, french fries and salad flying over their heads and pinging against their cover.
Fallen: It’s fucking food. You can take a few hits. Just waste them.
The zombies laughed madly as they slowly approached the cowering mares. One of the zombie officers stood up on a table and started waving a severed head in the air.
"HA HA HA! You will drown in your own viscera!"
Fluttershy: That sounds unpleasant...
A rookie zombie that wanted to be just like the veteran picked up a severed penis and started swinging it around too. Everyone interrupted the fight to stare at him. Fluttershy laughed like an asshole.
Fluttershy: Why would I do that? He’s putting an honest effort into the fight!
Applejack used the distraction to lob a platter of mystery meat at a group of zombies, who noticed it too late and were blown to reddish-brown meat chunks that rained own upon the other undead. The others quickly snapped back into action and started throwing food into the direction of the cowmare, forcing her to take cover again while the ponies returned fire.
Twilight: I don’t get why they’re treating this like something that could get somepony killed. It’s just food.
"Aauugh!" screamed a female zombie as she was hit in the face by a salvo of onion rings, courtesy of Rainbow Dash. The projectiles tore a piece of her head off. She crumpled to the ground.
Twilight: Well... I can understand zombies getting hurt like this. They’re mostly rotten, anyway.
"You motherfuckers!" Yelled another zombie, who started lobbing hoofulls of macaroni at the mares before being hit by two onion rings in the chest.
Fallen: Ten bits says it was Rainbow Dash aiming for the nipples.
Nearby an entire cheeseburger had embedded itself into a zombie's chest. A zombie doctor stood crouched over him, trying to remove the burger as ketchup oozed from the wound.
"I'm done for doc!" gurgled the victim. "Tell my best girl... That I love her..."
Fluttershy: Can zombies love? Can they even reproduce?
Twilight: It doesn’t make sense for them to be able to.
His mouth slowly filled with ketchup and his eyes went dark.
"Noooooo!" screamed the doctor. He stood, and started throwing cans of beans at the ponies. "Filthy ponies! Take meeeee! Take me instead!"
Twilight: Interesting thought... would a zombie be capable of having suicidal thoughts?
Fallen: No idea, but following through with them can’t be easy.
"War is serious business," commented Applejack. Then she threw a hotdog like a spear towards the doctor and impaled him in the head, sending the body crumpling to the ground as a blast of ketchup and mustard exploded from his shattered skull.
Fluttershy: How can you do that with food!?
Fallen: I don’t know, but considering hot dogs are soft and blunt, it would take a lot of power to pull off. Which would make it hurt like nothing anyone should ever experience.
"Ah wonder how that penis got severed," Applejack muttered.
"Kicked in the dick?" Rainbow suggested.
Fallen: You’d have to kick REALLY hard. Probably with a bladed shoe or something.
Suddenly, everyone cowered in fear as the food lady jumped over the counter. Between her hands rested a massive chaingun, which she started spinning up. Rainbow urged the others to duck.
"Take cover!"
Twilight: Uh, no. She’s supposed to tell them to duck, not to take cover.
A hailstorm of superheated, armor-pirecing french fries streamed out of the weapon as spent casings clattered onto the floor. The food lady erupted into laughter as she saw the projectiles slowly eat away at the ponies' cover.
Fluttershy: What are they hiding behind that’s weak enough for french fries to break?
She never noticed Pinkie Pie, who had managed to slip away undetected and cannonballed towards the nutrient wench at several thousand miles per second. She barely had time to scream before the pink pony slammed into her. The force was so powerful the lady exploded into a bloody mist, her eyeballs and intestines spreading out all acroos the room.
Fallen: That gave me the interesting mental image of Pinkie exploding upon impact, then respawning.
Pinkie stood up from the epicenter of the blast apparently unharmed and picked up the chaingun, spraying deadly salvoes of fries at the zombies. Dozens of undead fell in the gory massacre before they managed to take cover. Still, Pinkie held down the trigger, her body shaking violently in tact with the massive weapon she cradled.
Twilight: How would you even cradle a chaingun?
Fallen: Like a newborn child...
"Giggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggity!"
Fallen: Oh god. The last thing I want in my head is zombie sex.
The last remaining zombies were quickly dispatched by the mares. A few of them tried to tackle Rarity to escape, but she quickly countered with a power fist.
Fluttershy: Why do all these authors think we have hands?
"Rap Battle Blast!"
The black hadouken in the shape of DMX's head struck the zombies, who were completely vaporized on the spot. As the last few zombies were decapitated by a pizza thrown by Fluttershy,
Fluttershy: How does that even work!?
silence resettled over the room with only the calm muzzak in the background playing. Corpses littered every nook and cranny of the mess hall, many with grevious wounds caused by impalement or disemboweling by foodstuffs. A single tumbleweed rolled across the floor along with a few severed heads.
Twilight: I have to wonder how that tumbleweed even got there.
Pinkie stood up on the table with her chaingun held in one hoof and produced a pair of black shades.
Fallen: Tell me she’s not...
"Today's special is me..." she put the shades on. "With a side order of death."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Fallen: Goddammit.
Fallen: ...okay, this branches off from the other thing. I think Jar’s writing this bit himself.
Liquefied bodies and blood were smeared everywhere across the walls; not an inch of the corridors wasn't covered in messy liquids.
Fallen: Put this Twilight in The Walking Dead. All the zombies would die, and the whole show would be about developing the survivors’ characters. Well, MORE about that.
"Daaamn foo, Twilight cleaning up in da house tonight," said Rarity as she wiped off some brain matter that was stuck to her hooves.
Twilight: I think she’d be more disgusted than that.
Fallen: THIS Rarity?
Twilight: Oh yeah. Right.
The mares kept following the corpse-ridden path to Twilight before thet noticed lights emerging from a door in the middle of the corridor. As they opened the door, they were greeted with a sight that made them raise their eyebrow in surprise.
Fluttershy: They all only had one eyebrow?
Neatly organized plastic chairs and tables filled the room, where scores of Nightmare zombies milled around or stood in line for the cafeteria. An overweight zombie food lady with an apron and the meanest look you've ever seen on a regular living food lady poured some mysterious, moving greyish sludge onto the eagerly awaiting zombies' plate with her ladle.
Twilight: But since they weren’t brains, the zombies refused to eat them.
Casual conversations were heard across the room, drowning out the slow elevator music that played in the background. Hey, even undead, bloodthirsty abominations spawned from the nightmares of fat roleplayers and following the cult of an anal fetishist have to eat sometimes.
Fallen: Technically, I don’t think they do. If they actually NEEDED to feast on human flesh, lowering the human population enough would doom the zombies to mass starvation.
Rainbow's jaw unhinged. "What the fu-"
Fallen: Suddenly, nuclear explosion and maniacal laughter.
Every single conversation in the room went silent as all the zombies turned towards the ponies. Silverware clattered onto tables and plates were dropped in surprise as an uncomfortable silence settled over the mess hall. No one even bothered to notice the tumbleweed roll across the floor.
Twilight: Except the narrator, clearly.
At that moment the cafeteria's cook burst through the kitchen door. In one hoof he held a pie that gleamed with a deadly light. He threw it like a saucer and the pie zinged towards Rainbow, who cried out in panic and threw herself to the side, narrowly avoiding being decapitated.
Fluttershy: By a pie? How?
"FOOD FIGHT!"
Applejack and Pinkie kicked over a few tables while everypony dove to cover, french fries and salad flying over their heads and pinging against their cover.
Fallen: It’s fucking food. You can take a few hits. Just waste them.
The zombies laughed madly as they slowly approached the cowering mares. One of the zombie officers stood up on a table and started waving a severed head in the air.
"HA HA HA! You will drown in your own viscera!"
Fluttershy: That sounds unpleasant...
A rookie zombie that wanted to be just like the veteran picked up a severed penis and started swinging it around too. Everyone interrupted the fight to stare at him. Fluttershy laughed like an asshole.
Fluttershy: Why would I do that? He’s putting an honest effort into the fight!
Applejack used the distraction to lob a platter of mystery meat at a group of zombies, who noticed it too late and were blown to reddish-brown meat chunks that rained own upon the other undead. The others quickly snapped back into action and started throwing food into the direction of the cowmare, forcing her to take cover again while the ponies returned fire.
Twilight: I don’t get why they’re treating this like something that could get somepony killed. It’s just food.
"Aauugh!" screamed a female zombie as she was hit in the face by a salvo of onion rings, courtesy of Rainbow Dash. The projectiles tore a piece of her head off. She crumpled to the ground.
Twilight: Well... I can understand zombies getting hurt like this. They’re mostly rotten, anyway.
"You motherfuckers!" Yelled another zombie, who started lobbing hoofulls of macaroni at the mares before being hit by two onion rings in the chest.
Fallen: Ten bits says it was Rainbow Dash aiming for the nipples.
Nearby an entire cheeseburger had embedded itself into a zombie's chest. A zombie doctor stood crouched over him, trying to remove the burger as ketchup oozed from the wound.
"I'm done for doc!" gurgled the victim. "Tell my best girl... That I love her..."
Fluttershy: Can zombies love? Can they even reproduce?
Twilight: It doesn’t make sense for them to be able to.
His mouth slowly filled with ketchup and his eyes went dark.
"Noooooo!" screamed the doctor. He stood, and started throwing cans of beans at the ponies. "Filthy ponies! Take meeeee! Take me instead!"
Twilight: Interesting thought... would a zombie be capable of having suicidal thoughts?
Fallen: No idea, but following through with them can’t be easy.
"War is serious business," commented Applejack. Then she threw a hotdog like a spear towards the doctor and impaled him in the head, sending the body crumpling to the ground as a blast of ketchup and mustard exploded from his shattered skull.
Fluttershy: How can you do that with food!?
Fallen: I don’t know, but considering hot dogs are soft and blunt, it would take a lot of power to pull off. Which would make it hurt like nothing anyone should ever experience.
"Ah wonder how that penis got severed," Applejack muttered.
"Kicked in the dick?" Rainbow suggested.
Fallen: You’d have to kick REALLY hard. Probably with a bladed shoe or something.
Suddenly, everyone cowered in fear as the food lady jumped over the counter. Between her hands rested a massive chaingun, which she started spinning up. Rainbow urged the others to duck.
"Take cover!"
Twilight: Uh, no. She’s supposed to tell them to duck, not to take cover.
A hailstorm of superheated, armor-pirecing french fries streamed out of the weapon as spent casings clattered onto the floor. The food lady erupted into laughter as she saw the projectiles slowly eat away at the ponies' cover.
Fluttershy: What are they hiding behind that’s weak enough for french fries to break?
She never noticed Pinkie Pie, who had managed to slip away undetected and cannonballed towards the nutrient wench at several thousand miles per second. She barely had time to scream before the pink pony slammed into her. The force was so powerful the lady exploded into a bloody mist, her eyeballs and intestines spreading out all acroos the room.
Fallen: That gave me the interesting mental image of Pinkie exploding upon impact, then respawning.
Pinkie stood up from the epicenter of the blast apparently unharmed and picked up the chaingun, spraying deadly salvoes of fries at the zombies. Dozens of undead fell in the gory massacre before they managed to take cover. Still, Pinkie held down the trigger, her body shaking violently in tact with the massive weapon she cradled.
Twilight: How would you even cradle a chaingun?
Fallen: Like a newborn child...
"Giggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggitygiggity!"
Fallen: Oh god. The last thing I want in my head is zombie sex.
The last remaining zombies were quickly dispatched by the mares. A few of them tried to tackle Rarity to escape, but she quickly countered with a power fist.
Fluttershy: Why do all these authors think we have hands?
"Rap Battle Blast!"
The black hadouken in the shape of DMX's head struck the zombies, who were completely vaporized on the spot. As the last few zombies were decapitated by a pizza thrown by Fluttershy,
Fluttershy: How does that even work!?
silence resettled over the room with only the calm muzzak in the background playing. Corpses littered every nook and cranny of the mess hall, many with grevious wounds caused by impalement or disemboweling by foodstuffs. A single tumbleweed rolled across the floor along with a few severed heads.
Twilight: I have to wonder how that tumbleweed even got there.
Pinkie stood up on the table with her chaingun held in one hoof and produced a pair of black shades.
Fallen: Tell me she’s not...
"Today's special is me..." she put the shades on. "With a side order of death."
YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Fallen: Goddammit.
The Jesuses turned as one, one might say in unison, or in other words as a trinity, to face the oncoming zombie horde. The first Jesus aimed and fired his crucibow, sending a single crucibolt towards the zombies. These were no longer ordinary zombies, for they had evolved and were now covered in spikes. They were called xombies.
Fallen: And I’m sure they feel so special.
The crucibolt, travelling at the speed of 3 wise men combined (faster than light), slammed into the milling throng so hard that it created a crack in their bodies that spread throughout the horde as if it were one body, when in fact the crack somehow spread over all of their bodies.
Twilight: Because... physics.
They all split messily in half, spilling their bloody organs everywhere in a huge sloppy eruption. But the crucibolt kept on going; it smashed into a support pillar which was made of titanium and that broke too, sending the entire ceiling crashing down.
Fallen: Must be a HUGE pillar if it can reach to the castle’s ceiling.
Fluttershy: We don’t even build with titanium now. Why would anypony use it a thousand years ago?
An enormous pall of dust cascaded from the shattering roof, gigantic chunks of devilish masonry falling in shadowed forms inside the cloud of dust. The sound of a giant's bones creaking filled the world as the roof caved in on itself.
Twilight: They never said anything about any giants, did they?
Chunks of metal smashed through the floor, destabilizing it and making the floor break as well. All three Jesuses looked up in surprise as an enormous chunk of ceiling shaped like Richard Dawkins boot fell right on top of them.
Fluttershy: Oh, the poor things!
Fallen: Give ‘em three days. They’ll be back.
Then the entire Labyrinth collapsed.
Twilight found herself falling on a platform that had been torn out of the floor, keeping her footing by jamming three of her hooves three inches into the platform. She still held the spear of destiny in her remaining hoof.
Twilight: Good. We were so worried about the spear.
Twilight looked around. She was now falling through space, stars and supernovas and black holes everywhere. Also there were planets, the planets of our Galaxy, but they were boring in comparison. A laughing sound came from behind her.
Fallen: I bet it was laughing.
"NYHE HE HE HE HE. YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS OF THIS LABYRINTH, FOOLISH SPARKLE? BARBARIAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AWAITS."
Twilight: Wouldn’t it be nice to keep it that way?
"FEH." Twilight spat into the void. Her spit landed on a water rich planet, and from the microscopic bacteria present in it grew new life, to populate a new race of beings known to some as the Space Marines.
Fluttershy: Wouldn’t that make her a god to those Space Marines?
Twilight: That’s probably the idea. As if it wasn’t making me out to be some kind of god already.
That done, she turned to see the representation of Mooning Nightmare floating there.
Fallen: I’m too lazy to look back to see who was swapped for Mooning Nightmare.
"YOU AGAIN? THE SPARKLE TIRES OF THIS FAÇADE." She cast her hand about the galaxies. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS, THEN, OH FALSE GOD?"
Fallen: New headcanon. Mooning Nightmare is Loki.
"NO TRICKERY, FOOL. THE LABYRINTH IS NOT MERELY A SERIES OF IDENTICAL HALLWAYS LEADING TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO ALSO IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH TAKE YOU TO MORE ELEVATORS WHICH TAKE YOU TO STILL MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS ALL OF WHICH TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH ALSO TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO YET MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS, AS WELL! IT IS ALSO A DIMENSION OF ITS VERY OWN, A POCKET IN TIME AND SPACE FROM WHINCE NO THING MAY ENTER NOR LEAVE. BY DESTROYING THE CORRIDORS OF THE LABYRINTH YOU HAVE MERELY RESET THE CYCLE: IN A THOUSAND YEARS, THE FIRST ATOMS OF SULPHUROUS CREATION WILL RE-ASSEMBLE. IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS THE GREAT CORRIDORS AND ELEVATORS WILL BEGIN TO BE REALIZED AGAIN, UNTIL THE LABYRINTH THAT YOU SO CASUALLY DESTROYED RISES AGAIN—AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN INTO THE HORRIFIC DARKNESS OF TIME. YOU FACE A LIVING GALAXY, A REALITY THAT KNOWS, THAT BEATS, THAT THIRSTS FOR YOUR BLOOD. NOT EVEN GOD CAN SURPASS THIS PLACE. NOT EVEN THE WEAPON THAT KILLED A GOD CAN DESTROY IT."
Twilight: I can’t even read any of that. Too many capital letters, and it’s a wall of text.
Twilight looked down at the spear of destiny in her hoof and scowled, then tossed it aside. "HEF! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, FALSE GOD. BUT KNOW THIS: I WILL FIND A WAY WHERE GOD FAILED."
"I THINK NOT," said the diminutive floating skull, and in a flash she was gone.
Fluttershy: Was there a point to that conversation?
Fallen: Is there a point to ANY of this?
Then a shadow fell across the platform. Twilight turned, slowly, to face what had arisen behind her.
The thing was as large as a planet—larger than most planets, and that was just its torso.
Fallen: If it’s Primus or Unicron, I fucking quit.
Its lower portions disappeared into the blackness of space out of sight of Twilight's position on her platform. Looking up its great expanse of dull, moldy green skin - she thought it was skin, though it looked more like leather -
Fallen: And the difference is...?
Twilight saw a massive of tentacles,
Twilight: A massive WHAT of tentacles?
drooping from a furrowed, malevolent countenance as large as a moon. Two yellow eyes that burned with the intensity of a thousand suns glared down upon her, the vast intellect behind them conceiving Twilight as nothing more than a speck of dust, a moth in the air, a bubble in the water.
Fallen: We get it, she’s a pathetic dot to this thing.
Twilight: HEY!
Twilight stared back with defiance in her heart, defiance for this being to whom the word 'defiance' meant nothing, for there was nothing that had every truly mustered the will to even think of defying it, much less actually stand in its way.
Fluttershy: Because anything that tried to confront it was actually very polite.
"IS THIS THE GREAT OLD ONE?" Mused Twilight as she stared up at the vast creature. "THE ONE WHO DOES NOT SLEEP BUT DOES ETERNAL LIE, OR WHATEVER? IS IT THE MASTER OF INSANITY AND FEAR, THE LORD OF CHAOS WITH AN ETERNAL HATRED FOR ALL MORTAL KIND…IS IT THE FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET?"
Fallen: Not gonna lie... that sounds like the most disgusting and powerful abomination in existence just based on its title.
Fluttershy: How would being the final boss of the Internet make it as bad as you think?
Fallen: You really haven’t seen much of the Internet, have you?
The abomination stared down at her with godlike indifference and raised a mighty hand the size of a moon. No creature could ever survive such a blow, Twilight knew, and there was nowhere for her to run stuck on the platform as she was.
Twilight: Which is my own fault.
So Twilight watched as the mighty hand descended, and as she watched she revealed her mast-like erection, letting her enormous stallionhood stand proud in the face of death.
Twilight: AND WHY DO I HAVE A PENIS!?
"BAH!" she yelled up into the face of the Dark God. "MY DEATH ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER."
Twilight: AND HOW WOULD DEATH BE AROUSING!?
Fluttershy: Twilight, I think you should calm down.
But then, just as the gnarled hand of the mad god fell, an enormous shape erupted in the space between them, swatting aside the Final Boss of the Internet with its enormous spade like tail the size of a star.
Fallen: In terms of its respect to scale and physics, this is just like Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
Yes, it was the giant space whale,
Fluttershy: ...there’s so much about this that needs explaining.
and as Twilight watched in amazement the great beast, twice the size of the Final Boss of the Internet, pulled up beside her space platform. Its mighty blowhole inhaled the dust of eons, inhaled asteroids, black holes, and dead planets, and out from its blissfully smiling maw came new life.
Twilight: I think the existence of this many godlike beings would’ve been a major point of concern with basically all of reality.
Twilight stepped atop the broad humpback of the Space Whale and galloped to its center, the journey across taking centuries to complete.
Fallen: By that time, everypony she ever cared about was dead and the lack of sunlight killed all plant life in Equestria. A gradual but terrible apocalypse.
By the time the Final Boss of the Internet had regained its balance from almost falling over, in space, Twilight stood proud in the center of the massive whale's back. Up ahead the pony could see the ocean sized blowhole of the space whale.
Twilight: There’s too much variance in ocean sizes to actually use that as a unit of measurement.
The two Space Gods faced one another; the Final Boss of the Internet staring with molten golden eyes, the Great Space Whale placidly observing with liquid black pools the size of Uranus. The Sparkle held onto the anachronistically damp hide of the whale and prepared for the battle.
Fallen: Then everything anticlimactically exploded.
As the Final Boss of the Internet charged again, throwing a punch whose very gravitational pull destroyed Neptune and Saturn out of orbit, the Space Whale reared back and maneuvered with its tail, accidentally hitting mercury into the sun with its tail as it avoided the punch.
Fluttershy: I’m pretty sure you would miss those if they were gone.
The mad god's fist sunk deep into the sun itself with an audible plop, in space, and when it pulled the wound free the sun itself imploded its orange juice colored gaseous contents spurting from the rupture like the contents of an enormous orange zit.
Twilight: Oh boy. He’s tampering with the sun. Princess Celestia isn’t going to be happy.
As the dark god recovered its balance the Space Whale retaliated, charging forwards and swatting the Earth aside as if it were a fly.
Fluttershy: That should definitely be a very bad thing.
It opened its great maw (scooping up the moon by accident) and sunk its teeth into the side of the monster. Twilight's footing barely held and she struggled to keep her balance
Twilight: If the space whale is as big as the story’s saying, it should have enough of a gravitational pull for that not to be an issue.
as the whale tore, ripping an enormous chunk out of the Final Boss of the Internet and sending it reeling into the blackness on a trail of brown blood to be sucked into a black hole, causing the black hole to double into infinite size and destroy the entire galaxy.
Fallen: If its size was infinite, a galaxy would be the least of the things it swallowed up.
When the dust settled Twilight found herself still atop the Space Whale, drifting in an endless void. The Final Boss of the Internet was nowhere to be seen.
Fallen: Its place as hide and seek champion remained unchallenged.
"Twilight," came the telepathic mind voice of the Space Whale. "In my endless drifting from galaxy to galaxy, from dimension to dimension, from reality to unreality, I passed by and saw your dire plight within this mad creation known as the Labyrinth.
Fallen: “You really suck at this, don’t you?”
Not even the infinite mind of the Space Whale can fail to take pity on such a mare as accursed as you; your plight falls in the same tragic, hardship ridden boat as that of poor Odysseus. I have come to free you from this torment."
Twilight: Mercy kill? Because that sounds welcoming right about now.
"BAH." Twilight crossed her arms with the petulance of an asshole. "I THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS, SPACE WHALE, BUT A MARE DOES NOT DO. SHE IS."
I'm not sure I follow," said the Space Whale.
Fluttershy: I’m kind of lost too.
Fallen: We all are.
"FEH. IN TRUTH I MAY NOT RETURN IN GOOD CONSCIENCE TO MY REALITY, WITHOUT FIRST BESTING THIS PLACE SO THAT NO POOR SOUL MUST EVER TREAD TWIXT IT AND REALITY AGAIN."
"But," ejaculated the Space Whale, "that great work has already been accomplished. What more is there to do—or rather, to is, in this place?"
Fallen: How does one is?
"NAY, WISE OLD ONE," corrected Twilight, "FOR THERE YET REMAINS ONE LAST FINAL FIEND TO STAND AS THE PENULTIMATE ONLY CLIMATIC ENEMY THAT MUST BE DEFEATED SO THAT THIS TORRID DIMENSION MAY NEVER RETURN TO EXISTENCE."
Fluttershy: Why is she yelling during a casual conversation?
"Ah," amended the Eminent Cetacean "I understand your plight, my little pony, but know that I am bound by the Law of Space not to interfere with the machinations of others unless they interfere directly with me, be they false equine gods or enormous sentient universal labyrinths."
Fallen: “Doesn’t mean I can’t watch for shits and giggles, though.”
Twilight knelt down, her massive erection wilted,
Twilight: WHY.
and laid a hand on the whale's inconsistently moist skin. "I UNDERSTAND, OLDWISE ONE. THEN I MAY ASK NOTHING MORE OF YOU BUT, PERCHANCE, A BOON, TO HELP ME ON, MY WAY."
"Aye," concurred the Massive Mammal, "That you shall have, and that indeed. Bear my gift well for your final penultimate climactic the end confrontation,
Fluttershy: Was the fact that it’s going to be the last fight really that important?
Twilight: “Penultimate” isn’t even a synonym of “final!”
for I now bestow upon you a gift. Fare thee well."
Twilight closed her eyes as light enveloped her. "MY THANKS…GREAT SPACE WHALE." When she opened his eyes,
Fallen: Wow. Lazy translation much?
she was wearing armor made out of double barreled shotguns and had a sword made from the dicks of her enemies and a shield made of a giant petrified beard.
Fluttershy: A shield made of hair doesn’t sound very resistant.
She also had a necklace with a row of tiger claws on it, one from every tiger she had ever killed, with every five meaning she had killed an extra tiger but wasn't counting it because hey, she wasn't in it for the bragging rights.
With another flash of light, Twilight returned to her friends for the final confrontation.
Twilight: Well, it looks like things are finally going to start wrapping up. I motion for a quick bit of discussion before they do.
Fallen: Motion passes.
Fallen: And I’m sure they feel so special.
The crucibolt, travelling at the speed of 3 wise men combined (faster than light), slammed into the milling throng so hard that it created a crack in their bodies that spread throughout the horde as if it were one body, when in fact the crack somehow spread over all of their bodies.
Twilight: Because... physics.
They all split messily in half, spilling their bloody organs everywhere in a huge sloppy eruption. But the crucibolt kept on going; it smashed into a support pillar which was made of titanium and that broke too, sending the entire ceiling crashing down.
Fallen: Must be a HUGE pillar if it can reach to the castle’s ceiling.
Fluttershy: We don’t even build with titanium now. Why would anypony use it a thousand years ago?
An enormous pall of dust cascaded from the shattering roof, gigantic chunks of devilish masonry falling in shadowed forms inside the cloud of dust. The sound of a giant's bones creaking filled the world as the roof caved in on itself.
Twilight: They never said anything about any giants, did they?
Chunks of metal smashed through the floor, destabilizing it and making the floor break as well. All three Jesuses looked up in surprise as an enormous chunk of ceiling shaped like Richard Dawkins boot fell right on top of them.
Fluttershy: Oh, the poor things!
Fallen: Give ‘em three days. They’ll be back.
Then the entire Labyrinth collapsed.
Twilight found herself falling on a platform that had been torn out of the floor, keeping her footing by jamming three of her hooves three inches into the platform. She still held the spear of destiny in her remaining hoof.
Twilight: Good. We were so worried about the spear.
Twilight looked around. She was now falling through space, stars and supernovas and black holes everywhere. Also there were planets, the planets of our Galaxy, but they were boring in comparison. A laughing sound came from behind her.
Fallen: I bet it was laughing.
"NYHE HE HE HE HE. YOU THINK YOU CAN DEFEAT THE GUARDIANS OF THIS LABYRINTH, FOOLISH SPARKLE? BARBARIAN, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT AWAITS."
Twilight: Wouldn’t it be nice to keep it that way?
"FEH." Twilight spat into the void. Her spit landed on a water rich planet, and from the microscopic bacteria present in it grew new life, to populate a new race of beings known to some as the Space Marines.
Fluttershy: Wouldn’t that make her a god to those Space Marines?
Twilight: That’s probably the idea. As if it wasn’t making me out to be some kind of god already.
That done, she turned to see the representation of Mooning Nightmare floating there.
Fallen: I’m too lazy to look back to see who was swapped for Mooning Nightmare.
"YOU AGAIN? THE SPARKLE TIRES OF THIS FAÇADE." She cast her hand about the galaxies. "WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS, THEN, OH FALSE GOD?"
Fallen: New headcanon. Mooning Nightmare is Loki.
"NO TRICKERY, FOOL. THE LABYRINTH IS NOT MERELY A SERIES OF IDENTICAL HALLWAYS LEADING TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO ALSO IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH TAKE YOU TO MORE ELEVATORS WHICH TAKE YOU TO STILL MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS ALL OF WHICH TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS WHICH ALSO TAKE YOU TO ELEVATORS THAT TAKE YOU TO YET MORE IDENTICAL HALLWAYS, AS WELL! IT IS ALSO A DIMENSION OF ITS VERY OWN, A POCKET IN TIME AND SPACE FROM WHINCE NO THING MAY ENTER NOR LEAVE. BY DESTROYING THE CORRIDORS OF THE LABYRINTH YOU HAVE MERELY RESET THE CYCLE: IN A THOUSAND YEARS, THE FIRST ATOMS OF SULPHUROUS CREATION WILL RE-ASSEMBLE. IN TEN THOUSAND YEARS THE GREAT CORRIDORS AND ELEVATORS WILL BEGIN TO BE REALIZED AGAIN, UNTIL THE LABYRINTH THAT YOU SO CASUALLY DESTROYED RISES AGAIN—AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN INTO THE HORRIFIC DARKNESS OF TIME. YOU FACE A LIVING GALAXY, A REALITY THAT KNOWS, THAT BEATS, THAT THIRSTS FOR YOUR BLOOD. NOT EVEN GOD CAN SURPASS THIS PLACE. NOT EVEN THE WEAPON THAT KILLED A GOD CAN DESTROY IT."
Twilight: I can’t even read any of that. Too many capital letters, and it’s a wall of text.
Twilight looked down at the spear of destiny in her hoof and scowled, then tossed it aside. "HEF! YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT, FALSE GOD. BUT KNOW THIS: I WILL FIND A WAY WHERE GOD FAILED."
"I THINK NOT," said the diminutive floating skull, and in a flash she was gone.
Fluttershy: Was there a point to that conversation?
Fallen: Is there a point to ANY of this?
Then a shadow fell across the platform. Twilight turned, slowly, to face what had arisen behind her.
The thing was as large as a planet—larger than most planets, and that was just its torso.
Fallen: If it’s Primus or Unicron, I fucking quit.
Its lower portions disappeared into the blackness of space out of sight of Twilight's position on her platform. Looking up its great expanse of dull, moldy green skin - she thought it was skin, though it looked more like leather -
Fallen: And the difference is...?
Twilight saw a massive of tentacles,
Twilight: A massive WHAT of tentacles?
drooping from a furrowed, malevolent countenance as large as a moon. Two yellow eyes that burned with the intensity of a thousand suns glared down upon her, the vast intellect behind them conceiving Twilight as nothing more than a speck of dust, a moth in the air, a bubble in the water.
Fallen: We get it, she’s a pathetic dot to this thing.
Twilight: HEY!
Twilight stared back with defiance in her heart, defiance for this being to whom the word 'defiance' meant nothing, for there was nothing that had every truly mustered the will to even think of defying it, much less actually stand in its way.
Fluttershy: Because anything that tried to confront it was actually very polite.
"IS THIS THE GREAT OLD ONE?" Mused Twilight as she stared up at the vast creature. "THE ONE WHO DOES NOT SLEEP BUT DOES ETERNAL LIE, OR WHATEVER? IS IT THE MASTER OF INSANITY AND FEAR, THE LORD OF CHAOS WITH AN ETERNAL HATRED FOR ALL MORTAL KIND…IS IT THE FINAL BOSS OF THE INTERNET?"
Fallen: Not gonna lie... that sounds like the most disgusting and powerful abomination in existence just based on its title.
Fluttershy: How would being the final boss of the Internet make it as bad as you think?
Fallen: You really haven’t seen much of the Internet, have you?
The abomination stared down at her with godlike indifference and raised a mighty hand the size of a moon. No creature could ever survive such a blow, Twilight knew, and there was nowhere for her to run stuck on the platform as she was.
Twilight: Which is my own fault.
So Twilight watched as the mighty hand descended, and as she watched she revealed her mast-like erection, letting her enormous stallionhood stand proud in the face of death.
Twilight: AND WHY DO I HAVE A PENIS!?
"BAH!" she yelled up into the face of the Dark God. "MY DEATH ONLY MAKES MY PENIS HARDER."
Twilight: AND HOW WOULD DEATH BE AROUSING!?
Fluttershy: Twilight, I think you should calm down.
But then, just as the gnarled hand of the mad god fell, an enormous shape erupted in the space between them, swatting aside the Final Boss of the Internet with its enormous spade like tail the size of a star.
Fallen: In terms of its respect to scale and physics, this is just like Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann.
Yes, it was the giant space whale,
Fluttershy: ...there’s so much about this that needs explaining.
and as Twilight watched in amazement the great beast, twice the size of the Final Boss of the Internet, pulled up beside her space platform. Its mighty blowhole inhaled the dust of eons, inhaled asteroids, black holes, and dead planets, and out from its blissfully smiling maw came new life.
Twilight: I think the existence of this many godlike beings would’ve been a major point of concern with basically all of reality.
Twilight stepped atop the broad humpback of the Space Whale and galloped to its center, the journey across taking centuries to complete.
Fallen: By that time, everypony she ever cared about was dead and the lack of sunlight killed all plant life in Equestria. A gradual but terrible apocalypse.
By the time the Final Boss of the Internet had regained its balance from almost falling over, in space, Twilight stood proud in the center of the massive whale's back. Up ahead the pony could see the ocean sized blowhole of the space whale.
Twilight: There’s too much variance in ocean sizes to actually use that as a unit of measurement.
The two Space Gods faced one another; the Final Boss of the Internet staring with molten golden eyes, the Great Space Whale placidly observing with liquid black pools the size of Uranus. The Sparkle held onto the anachronistically damp hide of the whale and prepared for the battle.
Fallen: Then everything anticlimactically exploded.
As the Final Boss of the Internet charged again, throwing a punch whose very gravitational pull destroyed Neptune and Saturn out of orbit, the Space Whale reared back and maneuvered with its tail, accidentally hitting mercury into the sun with its tail as it avoided the punch.
Fluttershy: I’m pretty sure you would miss those if they were gone.
The mad god's fist sunk deep into the sun itself with an audible plop, in space, and when it pulled the wound free the sun itself imploded its orange juice colored gaseous contents spurting from the rupture like the contents of an enormous orange zit.
Twilight: Oh boy. He’s tampering with the sun. Princess Celestia isn’t going to be happy.
As the dark god recovered its balance the Space Whale retaliated, charging forwards and swatting the Earth aside as if it were a fly.
Fluttershy: That should definitely be a very bad thing.
It opened its great maw (scooping up the moon by accident) and sunk its teeth into the side of the monster. Twilight's footing barely held and she struggled to keep her balance
Twilight: If the space whale is as big as the story’s saying, it should have enough of a gravitational pull for that not to be an issue.
as the whale tore, ripping an enormous chunk out of the Final Boss of the Internet and sending it reeling into the blackness on a trail of brown blood to be sucked into a black hole, causing the black hole to double into infinite size and destroy the entire galaxy.
Fallen: If its size was infinite, a galaxy would be the least of the things it swallowed up.
When the dust settled Twilight found herself still atop the Space Whale, drifting in an endless void. The Final Boss of the Internet was nowhere to be seen.
Fallen: Its place as hide and seek champion remained unchallenged.
"Twilight," came the telepathic mind voice of the Space Whale. "In my endless drifting from galaxy to galaxy, from dimension to dimension, from reality to unreality, I passed by and saw your dire plight within this mad creation known as the Labyrinth.
Fallen: “You really suck at this, don’t you?”
Not even the infinite mind of the Space Whale can fail to take pity on such a mare as accursed as you; your plight falls in the same tragic, hardship ridden boat as that of poor Odysseus. I have come to free you from this torment."
Twilight: Mercy kill? Because that sounds welcoming right about now.
"BAH." Twilight crossed her arms with the petulance of an asshole. "I THANK YOU FOR YOUR KINDNESS, SPACE WHALE, BUT A MARE DOES NOT DO. SHE IS."
I'm not sure I follow," said the Space Whale.
Fluttershy: I’m kind of lost too.
Fallen: We all are.
"FEH. IN TRUTH I MAY NOT RETURN IN GOOD CONSCIENCE TO MY REALITY, WITHOUT FIRST BESTING THIS PLACE SO THAT NO POOR SOUL MUST EVER TREAD TWIXT IT AND REALITY AGAIN."
"But," ejaculated the Space Whale, "that great work has already been accomplished. What more is there to do—or rather, to is, in this place?"
Fallen: How does one is?
"NAY, WISE OLD ONE," corrected Twilight, "FOR THERE YET REMAINS ONE LAST FINAL FIEND TO STAND AS THE PENULTIMATE ONLY CLIMATIC ENEMY THAT MUST BE DEFEATED SO THAT THIS TORRID DIMENSION MAY NEVER RETURN TO EXISTENCE."
Fluttershy: Why is she yelling during a casual conversation?
"Ah," amended the Eminent Cetacean "I understand your plight, my little pony, but know that I am bound by the Law of Space not to interfere with the machinations of others unless they interfere directly with me, be they false equine gods or enormous sentient universal labyrinths."
Fallen: “Doesn’t mean I can’t watch for shits and giggles, though.”
Twilight knelt down, her massive erection wilted,
Twilight: WHY.
and laid a hand on the whale's inconsistently moist skin. "I UNDERSTAND, OLDWISE ONE. THEN I MAY ASK NOTHING MORE OF YOU BUT, PERCHANCE, A BOON, TO HELP ME ON, MY WAY."
"Aye," concurred the Massive Mammal, "That you shall have, and that indeed. Bear my gift well for your final penultimate climactic the end confrontation,
Fluttershy: Was the fact that it’s going to be the last fight really that important?
Twilight: “Penultimate” isn’t even a synonym of “final!”
for I now bestow upon you a gift. Fare thee well."
Twilight closed her eyes as light enveloped her. "MY THANKS…GREAT SPACE WHALE." When she opened his eyes,
Fallen: Wow. Lazy translation much?
she was wearing armor made out of double barreled shotguns and had a sword made from the dicks of her enemies and a shield made of a giant petrified beard.
Fluttershy: A shield made of hair doesn’t sound very resistant.
She also had a necklace with a row of tiger claws on it, one from every tiger she had ever killed, with every five meaning she had killed an extra tiger but wasn't counting it because hey, she wasn't in it for the bragging rights.
With another flash of light, Twilight returned to her friends for the final confrontation.
Twilight: Well, it looks like things are finally going to start wrapping up. I motion for a quick bit of discussion before they do.
Fallen: Motion passes.
Fallen: Looking on, I’m pretty sure this is where the copied text ends and the actual author’s writing starts back up. After this, it actually starts talking about “Mooning Nightmare” again.
Fluttershy: Does that mean it gets any better?
Fallen: I'd say several times better, but anything times zero is still zero.
Twilight: This barely even qualifies as a story! I can't make sense of anything the narrative is throwing at us! Not even the parts this author actually wrote!
Fallen: I typically don't mind that, but this is excessive. Most of the time the randomness is just silly, but this is... disjointed.
Twilight: And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Fallen: Nope. Doesn't even try to top the space whale thing, either, so it's all downhill from here.
Twilight: There was an uphill?
Fluttershy: At least it's all a little easier to swallow. The first chapter was... well...
Fallen: I think I'd actually take the first chapter over all the rest of this. At least that TRIED to stand out and have some sort of identity. I mean, it was an offensive and outlandish identity, but it's better than copying another story word-for-word.
Twilight: Not by much.
Fallen: But by enough.
Twilight: Look, can we just get back to the story now? I think we’ve been here long enough.
Fluttershy: Actually, I’m alright with just talking. Talking is nice.
Fallen: I’ll have to agree with Twilight. I’m running out of things to talk about with this story, and the sooner we get it all over with, the sooner I can get you off my property.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fluttershy: Does that mean it gets any better?
Fallen: I'd say several times better, but anything times zero is still zero.
Twilight: This barely even qualifies as a story! I can't make sense of anything the narrative is throwing at us! Not even the parts this author actually wrote!
Fallen: I typically don't mind that, but this is excessive. Most of the time the randomness is just silly, but this is... disjointed.
Twilight: And I don't see that changing anytime soon.
Fallen: Nope. Doesn't even try to top the space whale thing, either, so it's all downhill from here.
Twilight: There was an uphill?
Fluttershy: At least it's all a little easier to swallow. The first chapter was... well...
Fallen: I think I'd actually take the first chapter over all the rest of this. At least that TRIED to stand out and have some sort of identity. I mean, it was an offensive and outlandish identity, but it's better than copying another story word-for-word.
Twilight: Not by much.
Fallen: But by enough.
Twilight: Look, can we just get back to the story now? I think we’ve been here long enough.
Fluttershy: Actually, I’m alright with just talking. Talking is nice.
Fallen: I’ll have to agree with Twilight. I’m running out of things to talk about with this story, and the sooner we get it all over with, the sooner I can get you off my property.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
As the Mane 6 continued on unabated from the fight in the cafeteria, they were suddenly blinded by a bright glow that materialized itself into the shape of Twilight Sparkle. The unicorn stood proudly before her friends, her shotgun armor gleaming with an inner light in front of the tantalized mares.
Twilight: Wait, I still have the armor? There's CONTINUITY in this!?
As she walked towards them, her shotgun armor fired off in all directions except her friends because friendly fire was turned off.
"Let's go girls. We're gonna end it once and for all."
Fluttershy: I’ve never been happier to hear those words.
After several minutes of walking through the darkened, empty corridors with nothing but the sound of shotgun shells being fired to accompany them, the group arrived in front of a surprisingly spartan steel door,
Twilight: ...what does that even mean.
Fallen: No idea. “Spartan” is supposed to be a proper noun; it’s not a word in this context.
which opened automatically at their arrival. The Mane 6 stayed alert, well in the knowledge that this could be a trap.
Fallen: I’ve seen little to suggest that the villain is smart enough to think of that.
Suddenly, the massive steel door closed behind them with a loud bang. Mooning's laugh echoed across the dark room.
"Finally! The mighty Twilight of the Sparkle and her allies haveth arrived!
Fallen: The use of Old English still seriously bothers me.
I admit, I am surprised thou hast managed to defeat my minions on your way here, but it is all for naught! Soon, I will destroy you, and all of Equestria will bow before me!"
Twilight merely growled and raised her dick sword,
Twilight: ...no, I refuse to comment this time.
ready to slay the foul beast. "Come at us then! Show your face, coward!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
All the ponies gasped. From the shadows emerged the unmistakable form of not only Mooning Nightmare, but also of Darth Vader, Voldemort, Sauron, Freddy Krueger and Pinhead.
Fallen: Are those the only villains you could think of?
The evil hexinity grinned leecherously at the terrified ponies, who neitherless stood defiant in the face of the dark spawn.
"You think this will be enough to beat us?" Twilight laughed. "We're gonna love and tolerate the shit out of you, bitch! I challenge you to... A RAP BATTLE!"
All: WHAT.
(Music, bitches)
Twilight: I have a horrible feeling about this...
Lightning cracked overhead as Twilight grabbed a microphone, the other mares positioning themselves in a line behind her and started breakdancing as she sang the first part.
Fallen: Great. Song lyrics. This won’t be easy...
"I ain't gonna eat, I ain't gonna sleep
Ain't gonna breathe, til I see, what I wanna see
And what I wanna see, is you go to sleep, in the dirt
Permanently, you just being hurt, this ain't gonna work
Fluttershy: I hope this isn’t a real song. Just reading the lyrics feels... off.
Twilight: There aren’t even any proper rhymes!
For me, it just wouldn't be, sufficient enough
Cuz we, are just gonna be, enemies
As long as we breathe, I don't ever see, either of us
Coming to terms, where we can agree
There ain't gonna be, no reason, speakin wit me
You speak on my seed, then me, no speakin Englais
Fallen: You can’t even Spanglish right.
So we gonna beef, and keep on beefin, unless
You're gonna agree, to meet with me in the flesh
Fluttershy: Does any of this even mean anything?
Fallen: It’s rap. Of course it doesn’t.
And settle this face to face, and you're gonna see
A demon unleashed in me, that you've never seen
And you're gonna see, this gangsta pee on himself
I see you D-12, and thanks, but me need no help
Twilight: They’re not even rhyming, and none of those sentences make any sense.
Me do this one all by my lonely, I don't need fifteen of my homies
Fallen: There’s six of you on each side, dumbasses.
When I see you, I'm seeing you, me and you only
We never met, but best believe you gon' know me
When I'm this close, to see you exposed as phony
Come on, bitch, show me, pick me up, throw me
Twilight: I could easily do that with my magic. Don’t tempt me.
Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me
You was gonna do, that's what I thought, you're pitiful
I'm rid of you, all you, Ja, you'll get it too!"
Fluttershy: ...is it over?
Fallen: Not by a long shot.
All of the ponies started singing now, their voices triggering several boomboxes that started falling out of the sky for no apparent reason. The Evil 6 had to cover their ears as the chorus assaulted them.
"Now go to sleep bitch!
Die, motherfucker, die! Ugh, time's up, bitch, close ya eyes
Go to sleep, bitch! (what?)
Fallen: ...they said to go to sleep, that’s what.
Why are you still alive? How many times I gotta tell ya, close ya eyes?
And go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Die motherfucker die, bye, bye, motherfucker, bye, bye!
Fluttershy: They don’t sound very nice...
Go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? Why, die motherfucker, ah, ah, ah...
...Go to sleep bitch!"
Twilight: What?
Mooning Nightmare recovered quickly from the verbal assault and grabbed her own microphone. She started rapping in retaliation as Vader, Voldy, Sauron, Freddy and Pinhead started freestyling to some sweet tunes.
Fallen: Ah, the soothing, rhythmic sounds of shoddy dubstep.
"We got you niggaz, nervous
On purpose, to hurt your focus, you'se not MC's, you'se worthless
You'se not them G's, you'se a circus, you'se no appeal, please
You'se curtains, you use words, cool heard, slurred in two thousand third
You'se purpin, you'se no threat, who's ya servin?
Twilight: What language is this?
Fallen: A combination of ghetto and bullshit.
We lyrically oughta bury you beneath the dirt when
You fuck with a label overseein the Earth
Shady muthafucka, O. Trice's birth
And as I mold, I become a curse
Fluttershy: What does any of this have to do with mold?
So we can put down the verse, take it to the turf
Cock and squeeze, and he who reach the hearse is he who
Depicts fiction in his verse
Twilight: I don’t even think there’s a meter to this!
And as I breathe, and you be deceased
The world believe you deceived just to speak
You'se not the streets, you'se the desk
Use not your chest nigga, use a vest
Fluttershy: Actually, that’s some good advice. But there aren’t really many bulletproof vests in Equestria. With so few firearms, who even needs them?
Before two's choose ya rest, you chose death
Six feet deep, nigga, that's the depth"
Fallen: “Death” and “depth” sound too alike for that to work.
This time, the Evil 6 also jammed through the chorus, attacking the mares with massive audio power. Walls shook and crumbled as they barely managed to hold on before it ended and everyone participated in the counterattack.
Fallen: Which just involves the mane six shooting the villains in the face and leaving.
"Hey dog, I'ma walk like a beast, talk like the streets
I'ma stay blazin New York wit the heat
Stalk on the beat, walk wit my feet
Understand my pain, the rain ain't sweet
Fluttershy: What if it’s chocolate, though?
Twilight: the last thing we need is to bring Discord into this.
Peep how I'm moving, peep where I'm going
Shit don't seep, then sleep not knowin
Twilight: I think that was supposed to be profound... but it comes off as nonsensical.
Fallen: Just like literally everything else.
But I'ma keep growing, getting larger than life
Easy-going with the same one that started the fight
He be knowing how dog get, when dog gone bite
Tried to show him the dog shit, it's dog for life
Fluttershy: What’s all this with the dogs? Why are they important to anything?
Grand champ, and my Blood Line is tight
Cuz it's all good, it's all right
Twilight: the fact that the story still isn’t over suggests otherwise.
Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back
Now they gots to swallow, everything in the sac
Blood Line, and, we can go track for track
Damn dog, why'd you have to do them niggas like that?"
Fallen: Oh, thank god the song part’s over.
A massive rainbow light erupted across the room. Multicoloured sparks flew everywhere as the Mane 6 ripped the final chorus with musical prowess. The Evil 6 clutched their heads in agony as the power o harmony invaded the room.
Fluttershy: Do you know anything about these villains, Fallen?
Fallen: Most of them.
Fluttershy: Would the Elements of Harmony work on any of them?
Fallen: Maybe Vader, Voldemort and Sauron, and I’m tempted to say Pinhead and the Cenobytes would be weak to them too. But Freddy doesn’t even exist in the physical world. He attacks you in your dreams.
Fluttershy: He what!?
Fallen: Yep. And he has full control of your nightmares when he’s in there. You can’t stop him. He’ll just toy with you, show you how powerless you are, crack a few puns, then slice you open with his bladed glove. And whatever he does to you in the dream takes effect in the real world, so he can and WILL kill you.
Fluttershy: WHAT!?
Twilight: Fallen, you’re scaring her!
A golden tiara materialized upon Twilight's head and her eyes glowed completely white from the power, while the others recieved necklaces and started floating around her. The rainbow grew in luminous intensity before a beam made of fuck and harmony and awesome
Fallen: I don’t know about it being made of fuck, but definitely the other two.
shot out, headed straight for Mooning Nightmare and her evil compatriots. Darth Vader gasped in terror and reared back, raising his arms to the heavens.
"Noooooooooooooooooo!"
Fallen: “Yes.”
The harmonious powers collided into the dark servants, vaporising Mooning and the others and leaving behind the shape of princess Luna, who fell gracefully to the floor as the Harmony beam faded away.
Twilight: That’s the closest thing to what actually happened that I’ve seen so far.
Twilight: Wait, I still have the armor? There's CONTINUITY in this!?
As she walked towards them, her shotgun armor fired off in all directions except her friends because friendly fire was turned off.
"Let's go girls. We're gonna end it once and for all."
Fluttershy: I’ve never been happier to hear those words.
After several minutes of walking through the darkened, empty corridors with nothing but the sound of shotgun shells being fired to accompany them, the group arrived in front of a surprisingly spartan steel door,
Twilight: ...what does that even mean.
Fallen: No idea. “Spartan” is supposed to be a proper noun; it’s not a word in this context.
which opened automatically at their arrival. The Mane 6 stayed alert, well in the knowledge that this could be a trap.
Fallen: I’ve seen little to suggest that the villain is smart enough to think of that.
Suddenly, the massive steel door closed behind them with a loud bang. Mooning's laugh echoed across the dark room.
"Finally! The mighty Twilight of the Sparkle and her allies haveth arrived!
Fallen: The use of Old English still seriously bothers me.
I admit, I am surprised thou hast managed to defeat my minions on your way here, but it is all for naught! Soon, I will destroy you, and all of Equestria will bow before me!"
Twilight merely growled and raised her dick sword,
Twilight: ...no, I refuse to comment this time.
ready to slay the foul beast. "Come at us then! Show your face, coward!"
Fluttershy: EEP!
All the ponies gasped. From the shadows emerged the unmistakable form of not only Mooning Nightmare, but also of Darth Vader, Voldemort, Sauron, Freddy Krueger and Pinhead.
Fallen: Are those the only villains you could think of?
The evil hexinity grinned leecherously at the terrified ponies, who neitherless stood defiant in the face of the dark spawn.
"You think this will be enough to beat us?" Twilight laughed. "We're gonna love and tolerate the shit out of you, bitch! I challenge you to... A RAP BATTLE!"
All: WHAT.
(Music, bitches)
Twilight: I have a horrible feeling about this...
Lightning cracked overhead as Twilight grabbed a microphone, the other mares positioning themselves in a line behind her and started breakdancing as she sang the first part.
Fallen: Great. Song lyrics. This won’t be easy...
"I ain't gonna eat, I ain't gonna sleep
Ain't gonna breathe, til I see, what I wanna see
And what I wanna see, is you go to sleep, in the dirt
Permanently, you just being hurt, this ain't gonna work
Fluttershy: I hope this isn’t a real song. Just reading the lyrics feels... off.
Twilight: There aren’t even any proper rhymes!
For me, it just wouldn't be, sufficient enough
Cuz we, are just gonna be, enemies
As long as we breathe, I don't ever see, either of us
Coming to terms, where we can agree
There ain't gonna be, no reason, speakin wit me
You speak on my seed, then me, no speakin Englais
Fallen: You can’t even Spanglish right.
So we gonna beef, and keep on beefin, unless
You're gonna agree, to meet with me in the flesh
Fluttershy: Does any of this even mean anything?
Fallen: It’s rap. Of course it doesn’t.
And settle this face to face, and you're gonna see
A demon unleashed in me, that you've never seen
And you're gonna see, this gangsta pee on himself
I see you D-12, and thanks, but me need no help
Twilight: They’re not even rhyming, and none of those sentences make any sense.
Me do this one all by my lonely, I don't need fifteen of my homies
Fallen: There’s six of you on each side, dumbasses.
When I see you, I'm seeing you, me and you only
We never met, but best believe you gon' know me
When I'm this close, to see you exposed as phony
Come on, bitch, show me, pick me up, throw me
Twilight: I could easily do that with my magic. Don’t tempt me.
Lift me up, hold me, just like you told me
You was gonna do, that's what I thought, you're pitiful
I'm rid of you, all you, Ja, you'll get it too!"
Fluttershy: ...is it over?
Fallen: Not by a long shot.
All of the ponies started singing now, their voices triggering several boomboxes that started falling out of the sky for no apparent reason. The Evil 6 had to cover their ears as the chorus assaulted them.
"Now go to sleep bitch!
Die, motherfucker, die! Ugh, time's up, bitch, close ya eyes
Go to sleep, bitch! (what?)
Fallen: ...they said to go to sleep, that’s what.
Why are you still alive? How many times I gotta tell ya, close ya eyes?
And go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Die motherfucker die, bye, bye, motherfucker, bye, bye!
Fluttershy: They don’t sound very nice...
Go to sleep bitch! (what?)
Why are you still alive? Why, die motherfucker, ah, ah, ah...
...Go to sleep bitch!"
Twilight: What?
Mooning Nightmare recovered quickly from the verbal assault and grabbed her own microphone. She started rapping in retaliation as Vader, Voldy, Sauron, Freddy and Pinhead started freestyling to some sweet tunes.
Fallen: Ah, the soothing, rhythmic sounds of shoddy dubstep.
"We got you niggaz, nervous
On purpose, to hurt your focus, you'se not MC's, you'se worthless
You'se not them G's, you'se a circus, you'se no appeal, please
You'se curtains, you use words, cool heard, slurred in two thousand third
You'se purpin, you'se no threat, who's ya servin?
Twilight: What language is this?
Fallen: A combination of ghetto and bullshit.
We lyrically oughta bury you beneath the dirt when
You fuck with a label overseein the Earth
Shady muthafucka, O. Trice's birth
And as I mold, I become a curse
Fluttershy: What does any of this have to do with mold?
So we can put down the verse, take it to the turf
Cock and squeeze, and he who reach the hearse is he who
Depicts fiction in his verse
Twilight: I don’t even think there’s a meter to this!
And as I breathe, and you be deceased
The world believe you deceived just to speak
You'se not the streets, you'se the desk
Use not your chest nigga, use a vest
Fluttershy: Actually, that’s some good advice. But there aren’t really many bulletproof vests in Equestria. With so few firearms, who even needs them?
Before two's choose ya rest, you chose death
Six feet deep, nigga, that's the depth"
Fallen: “Death” and “depth” sound too alike for that to work.
This time, the Evil 6 also jammed through the chorus, attacking the mares with massive audio power. Walls shook and crumbled as they barely managed to hold on before it ended and everyone participated in the counterattack.
Fallen: Which just involves the mane six shooting the villains in the face and leaving.
"Hey dog, I'ma walk like a beast, talk like the streets
I'ma stay blazin New York wit the heat
Stalk on the beat, walk wit my feet
Understand my pain, the rain ain't sweet
Fluttershy: What if it’s chocolate, though?
Twilight: the last thing we need is to bring Discord into this.
Peep how I'm moving, peep where I'm going
Shit don't seep, then sleep not knowin
Twilight: I think that was supposed to be profound... but it comes off as nonsensical.
Fallen: Just like literally everything else.
But I'ma keep growing, getting larger than life
Easy-going with the same one that started the fight
He be knowing how dog get, when dog gone bite
Tried to show him the dog shit, it's dog for life
Fluttershy: What’s all this with the dogs? Why are they important to anything?
Grand champ, and my Blood Line is tight
Cuz it's all good, it's all right
Twilight: the fact that the story still isn’t over suggests otherwise.
Niggas tried to holla, but couldn't holla back
Now they gots to swallow, everything in the sac
Blood Line, and, we can go track for track
Damn dog, why'd you have to do them niggas like that?"
Fallen: Oh, thank god the song part’s over.
A massive rainbow light erupted across the room. Multicoloured sparks flew everywhere as the Mane 6 ripped the final chorus with musical prowess. The Evil 6 clutched their heads in agony as the power o harmony invaded the room.
Fluttershy: Do you know anything about these villains, Fallen?
Fallen: Most of them.
Fluttershy: Would the Elements of Harmony work on any of them?
Fallen: Maybe Vader, Voldemort and Sauron, and I’m tempted to say Pinhead and the Cenobytes would be weak to them too. But Freddy doesn’t even exist in the physical world. He attacks you in your dreams.
Fluttershy: He what!?
Fallen: Yep. And he has full control of your nightmares when he’s in there. You can’t stop him. He’ll just toy with you, show you how powerless you are, crack a few puns, then slice you open with his bladed glove. And whatever he does to you in the dream takes effect in the real world, so he can and WILL kill you.
Fluttershy: WHAT!?
Twilight: Fallen, you’re scaring her!
A golden tiara materialized upon Twilight's head and her eyes glowed completely white from the power, while the others recieved necklaces and started floating around her. The rainbow grew in luminous intensity before a beam made of fuck and harmony and awesome
Fallen: I don’t know about it being made of fuck, but definitely the other two.
shot out, headed straight for Mooning Nightmare and her evil compatriots. Darth Vader gasped in terror and reared back, raising his arms to the heavens.
"Noooooooooooooooooo!"
Fallen: “Yes.”
The harmonious powers collided into the dark servants, vaporising Mooning and the others and leaving behind the shape of princess Luna, who fell gracefully to the floor as the Harmony beam faded away.
Twilight: That’s the closest thing to what actually happened that I’ve seen so far.
As the ponies returned back to normal, they gaped in fascination at the panting form of the moon princess, who shakily stood up on all her hooves and smiled softly at her rescuers.
"Thank you, everypony, for saving me!"
Fallen: Then she betrays and kills them all.
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
The chamber was bathed in a gentle light, and princess Molestia descended from the heavens as angelic choirs sung in her appraisal.
Twilight: In complete contrast with what we’ve seen of her throughout the whole rest of the story.
She landed besides her sister and draped a wing around her, tears of joy running down their faces at the happy reunion.
Suddenly, a black alicorn with red stripes descended from the skies too, and proudly puffed out his chest.
Fallen: Oy, this guy.
Twilight: I forgot he was even supposed to be in the story.
"'Tis I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, who has saved the day! As such, I deserve my reward from you ladie-"
He never finished his sentence as Molestia drop-kicked him into the ground, through the entire interior of the planet and into the sun. Then she laughed with a pleasant voice.
Fallen: This development pleases me.
"Let's all put this in the past and have sex!"
And then they all fucked.
Fallen: ...this one doesn’t.
THE END
Titty sprinkles.
Twilight: What does that even mean?
Fallen: In this context? It means the story’s over for good and we can go home.
"Thank you, everypony, for saving me!"
Fallen: Then she betrays and kills them all.
Fluttershy: FALLEN!
The chamber was bathed in a gentle light, and princess Molestia descended from the heavens as angelic choirs sung in her appraisal.
Twilight: In complete contrast with what we’ve seen of her throughout the whole rest of the story.
She landed besides her sister and draped a wing around her, tears of joy running down their faces at the happy reunion.
Suddenly, a black alicorn with red stripes descended from the skies too, and proudly puffed out his chest.
Fallen: Oy, this guy.
Twilight: I forgot he was even supposed to be in the story.
"'Tis I, King Ravenheart Blackblade Darkness, who has saved the day! As such, I deserve my reward from you ladie-"
He never finished his sentence as Molestia drop-kicked him into the ground, through the entire interior of the planet and into the sun. Then she laughed with a pleasant voice.
Fallen: This development pleases me.
"Let's all put this in the past and have sex!"
And then they all fucked.
Fallen: ...this one doesn’t.
THE END
Titty sprinkles.
Twilight: What does that even mean?
Fallen: In this context? It means the story’s over for good and we can go home.
Twilight: This one REALLY wasn’t easy to sit through. Not with the gigantic walls of text that made up most of the paragraphs.
Fallen: Tell me about it. I thought we’d NEVER finish.
Pinkie: (from TV) See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Fluttershy: ...it kind of was.
Dash: (from TV) Well, you’re in better shape than the first time, at least, Fluttershy.
Fluttershy: The story didn’t really use my character a lot this time, so I didn’t mind it as much.
Fallen: I still think the start was stronger than the finish. There wasn’t a lot to work with this time.
Twilight: Plus, the formatting of the paragraphs just gave me a headache. They were all so thick and impossible to look at.
Pinkie: But you still made it, right?
Twilight: Barely.
Fallen: At least we broke most of them up. My issue was with the fact that this wasn’t even entirely the author’s creation. Most of this and last chapter was lazily ripped and tweaked from another story with a similar title.
Pinkie: Well, at least you got to riff it!
Fallen: I didn’t have as much fun with it this time. It hurt to try, and I was low on ideas most of the time.
Twilight: I know how you feel. You can barely riff what you can barely stand to read.
Pinkie: Well... since you finished the story, you’re finally allowed to go!
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Fallen: FINALLY. I was starting to forget what fresh air was.
Fluttershy: I hope Angel Bunny didn’t make a mess of the cottage while I was gone. I never like leaving him alone with the other animals for too long...
Twilight: I’m sure they’re fine. I’ll probably want to check up on Spike, though...
Dash: So we’re done here? Button time?
Pinkie: Button time!
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Fallen: Tell me about it. I thought we’d NEVER finish.
Pinkie: (from TV) See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?
Fluttershy: ...it kind of was.
Dash: (from TV) Well, you’re in better shape than the first time, at least, Fluttershy.
Fluttershy: The story didn’t really use my character a lot this time, so I didn’t mind it as much.
Fallen: I still think the start was stronger than the finish. There wasn’t a lot to work with this time.
Twilight: Plus, the formatting of the paragraphs just gave me a headache. They were all so thick and impossible to look at.
Pinkie: But you still made it, right?
Twilight: Barely.
Fallen: At least we broke most of them up. My issue was with the fact that this wasn’t even entirely the author’s creation. Most of this and last chapter was lazily ripped and tweaked from another story with a similar title.
Pinkie: Well, at least you got to riff it!
Fallen: I didn’t have as much fun with it this time. It hurt to try, and I was low on ideas most of the time.
Twilight: I know how you feel. You can barely riff what you can barely stand to read.
Pinkie: Well... since you finished the story, you’re finally allowed to go!
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Fallen: FINALLY. I was starting to forget what fresh air was.
Fluttershy: I hope Angel Bunny didn’t make a mess of the cottage while I was gone. I never like leaving him alone with the other animals for too long...
Twilight: I’m sure they’re fine. I’ll probably want to check up on Spike, though...
Dash: So we’re done here? Button time?
Pinkie: Button time!
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...