FP Riffs 21: one for you
Consider this my absolutely final word on octavia1997.
For those not in the know, octavia1997 is a rather... “lackluster” is a polite enough term, right?... a rather lackluster author. Many of his stories have had an editor’s eye look at them, but they did little to stave off the terrible grammar and the terrible execution of his terrible premises. Everything came to a head four weeks ago, however, when a comment-deleting shitstorm erupted on his latest and last story. After futilely trying to FelixDawn his troubles away (and FelixDawning troubles away is inherently futile anyway), he announced in a blog post that he was going to remove the story from the site, then repost it with minimal changes, which is explicitly against FIMFiction rules. And those rules are there to be followed (why else do you think I’m using a separate website to host my riffs?), and mere moments after the blog was posted, Wanderer D informed me that he’d been permabanned. And now it’s time to look at the story that put octavia1997 on my radar, joined by newly-minted riffer The Silent Hero.
For those who DO know about all this... rejoice in us ripping “one for you” to SHREDS.
For those not in the know, octavia1997 is a rather... “lackluster” is a polite enough term, right?... a rather lackluster author. Many of his stories have had an editor’s eye look at them, but they did little to stave off the terrible grammar and the terrible execution of his terrible premises. Everything came to a head four weeks ago, however, when a comment-deleting shitstorm erupted on his latest and last story. After futilely trying to FelixDawn his troubles away (and FelixDawning troubles away is inherently futile anyway), he announced in a blog post that he was going to remove the story from the site, then repost it with minimal changes, which is explicitly against FIMFiction rules. And those rules are there to be followed (why else do you think I’m using a separate website to host my riffs?), and mere moments after the blog was posted, Wanderer D informed me that he’d been permabanned. And now it’s time to look at the story that put octavia1997 on my radar, joined by newly-minted riffer The Silent Hero.
For those who DO know about all this... rejoice in us ripping “one for you” to SHREDS.
Fallen Prime: ...eh. Could’ve done with a good bass drop.
Octavia: I swear, you’re just like Vinyl sometimes.
Fallen: Don’t EVER compare me to her.
Octavia: It’s not necessarily an insult. Sure, she can be a bit eccentric-
Fallen: Way to sugarcoat it, Octy.
Octavia: -but her heart is in the right place. I truly do value her friendship.
(Suddenly, the TV blips on, revealing Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.)
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi, Primey! Hi, Octy!
Octavia: Oh, sweet princess, it’s her.
Fallen: Oh, come on. Pinkie’s awesome! A bit wild and of dubious sanity, but-
Octavia: I’m sorry, for a moment I thought I heard you describe Vinyl Scratch.
Fallen: Pinkie doesn’t openly clop during a riff in the presence of others.
Pinkie: Yeah, that... that was REALLY awkward.
Octavia: ...she WHAT.
Fallen: Fluttershy and twow can vouch for me too.
Octavia: It sounds like she and I will need to have a few words.
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) I’m so glad I wasn’t there for that. Anyway, it’s just about riff time again!
Octavia: Ugh. I was hoping I would never have to be subjected to one of these again.
Pinkie: Don’t worry, this one’s gonna be short!
Octavia: Oh, thank heavens.
Dash: That’s the GOOD news. The bits of bad news are more for Fallen than anyone else.
Fallen: Bits? Plural?
Dash: Yeah. The BAD news is... well...
(The armory doors open to reveal The Silent Hero on the other side.)
Dash: ...alicorn.
Fallen: …
Silent: ...Uhh, am I in the right place?
Pinkie: You are! Primey, this is The Silent Hero! Silent, this is Fallen Prime, one of my best riffing buddies!
Silent: Uh, hey Fallen... you okay?
Fallen: Pinkie. What. The FUCK. Is this thing doing in my armory.
Pinkie: He’s gonna help you riff! And that’s really not nice of you to say!
Fallen: You know DAMN WELL how I feel about-
Dash: Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard this a thousand times.
Silent: It’s because I’m an alicorn, isn’t it...
Fallen: YES.
Octavia: Show some tolerance, Fallen. You’ve never properly met him.
Fallen: I don’t have to. You’ve seen one alicorn OC, you’ve seen them all.
Silent: Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m gonna get my wings chopped off... (twitches) I don’t wanna know when.
Fallen: ...I have literally no idea how I’m supposed to respond to that.
Dash: And while you mull that over, I might as well give you the WORSE news. The story you’re riffing... I think you know this one.
Pinkie: Who’s up for a nice round of “one for you?”
Silent: Yeah, I think he’s heard of this one.
Octavia: It sounds harmless enough... though past experience in this armory has taught me to be wary of when I say that.
Fallen: Pinkie... I swear to god, one of these days I’m going to end you.
Silent: She still never gave me those tacos she promised me... Just strange cupcakes.
Octavia: You seem to know what we’re getting into, Fallen. How bad is this going to be?
Fallen: Remember the four stories you had to come in and riff with me a while back?
Octavia: I still have nightmares.
Fallen: Worse. By far.
Silent: I used to be an editor for this guy... I nearly had to break my laptop in order for it to work...
Octavia: ...this does not bode well.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Octavia: I swear, you’re just like Vinyl sometimes.
Fallen: Don’t EVER compare me to her.
Octavia: It’s not necessarily an insult. Sure, she can be a bit eccentric-
Fallen: Way to sugarcoat it, Octy.
Octavia: -but her heart is in the right place. I truly do value her friendship.
(Suddenly, the TV blips on, revealing Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash.)
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Hi, Primey! Hi, Octy!
Octavia: Oh, sweet princess, it’s her.
Fallen: Oh, come on. Pinkie’s awesome! A bit wild and of dubious sanity, but-
Octavia: I’m sorry, for a moment I thought I heard you describe Vinyl Scratch.
Fallen: Pinkie doesn’t openly clop during a riff in the presence of others.
Pinkie: Yeah, that... that was REALLY awkward.
Octavia: ...she WHAT.
Fallen: Fluttershy and twow can vouch for me too.
Octavia: It sounds like she and I will need to have a few words.
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) I’m so glad I wasn’t there for that. Anyway, it’s just about riff time again!
Octavia: Ugh. I was hoping I would never have to be subjected to one of these again.
Pinkie: Don’t worry, this one’s gonna be short!
Octavia: Oh, thank heavens.
Dash: That’s the GOOD news. The bits of bad news are more for Fallen than anyone else.
Fallen: Bits? Plural?
Dash: Yeah. The BAD news is... well...
(The armory doors open to reveal The Silent Hero on the other side.)
Dash: ...alicorn.
Fallen: …
Silent: ...Uhh, am I in the right place?
Pinkie: You are! Primey, this is The Silent Hero! Silent, this is Fallen Prime, one of my best riffing buddies!
Silent: Uh, hey Fallen... you okay?
Fallen: Pinkie. What. The FUCK. Is this thing doing in my armory.
Pinkie: He’s gonna help you riff! And that’s really not nice of you to say!
Fallen: You know DAMN WELL how I feel about-
Dash: Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard this a thousand times.
Silent: It’s because I’m an alicorn, isn’t it...
Fallen: YES.
Octavia: Show some tolerance, Fallen. You’ve never properly met him.
Fallen: I don’t have to. You’ve seen one alicorn OC, you’ve seen them all.
Silent: Well, if it makes you feel better, I’m gonna get my wings chopped off... (twitches) I don’t wanna know when.
Fallen: ...I have literally no idea how I’m supposed to respond to that.
Dash: And while you mull that over, I might as well give you the WORSE news. The story you’re riffing... I think you know this one.
Pinkie: Who’s up for a nice round of “one for you?”
Silent: Yeah, I think he’s heard of this one.
Octavia: It sounds harmless enough... though past experience in this armory has taught me to be wary of when I say that.
Fallen: Pinkie... I swear to god, one of these days I’m going to end you.
Silent: She still never gave me those tacos she promised me... Just strange cupcakes.
Octavia: You seem to know what we’re getting into, Fallen. How bad is this going to be?
Fallen: Remember the four stories you had to come in and riff with me a while back?
Octavia: I still have nightmares.
Fallen: Worse. By far.
Silent: I used to be an editor for this guy... I nearly had to break my laptop in order for it to work...
Octavia: ...this does not bode well.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Another night slipped away under the obsidian sky of the darkened field, fireflies tried to light the ground ablaze with their dazzling lights; such a beautiful display of passion and enthusiasm.
Fallen: ...was there an editor for this story? Because I refuse to believe octavia1997 knew how to spell a single word in that sentence.
Silent: I’m just as amazed as you are. I’d never seen this story.
The shone light with the majestic colors of green and yellow, as the bits of light scampered in and out;
Octavia: The little rascals.
displaying their joy in a wondrous manner. The grace of the lights and the breeze made the night last almost forever before changing once more to a different scene in life’s play. The boy thought to himself, ‘Wow, if only It was like this.’
Octavia: I have to assume It is the name of a character...
Fallen: I’ve got it! His editor was Stephen King!
Silent: That’s why he killed himself recently in a story...
The sound of a car horn
Silent: Wait, I thought we were in Equestria, not Earth!
Fallen: This is his human-in-Equestria story.
Octavia: ...you had quite a negative reaction to that one human-in-Equestria story you riffed with me.
Fallen: I’ve come to DESPISE this genre.
blasted the wonderful dream into a pile of crushed hopes and imaginary creations. In front of him, an old beaten up Volkswagen buggy; the black paint tried to reflect light, but only held onto the rays, dulling its appearance.
Fallen: Black Hole Bumblebee! New from Hasbro!
Silent: BEST. TOY. EVER!
He started to gaze into the black paint of the automobile, and started to see
Silent: How shitty and long this intro is... even the narrator hates this.
Fallen: If I were stuck narrating shit like this, I’d kill everyone involved, then maybe myself if I were that desperate.
Silent: Oh, come on, Fallen. It can’t be that bad... can it?
the true face that it hid underneath. Alexander started to talk to himself as the contentiousness
Octavia: Well... at least his mess-up still produced an actual word?
faded like the hearts of many, “So dark and so beautiful. Only if I could feel it’s face for myself.”
Alexander’s friend struck his head, “Hey its green, c'mon bro, remember to stay focused.”
Octavia: “Just because the narrative is scatterbrained doesn’t mean you should be as well!”
Silent: “But the plot demands it!”
Alex shook his head, “Oh sorry. I was just thinking about some stuff.”
“Geez, you need to let loose sometimes, maybe this will cheer you up.”
Alex sagged his head, “Please let’s not do this again Steven. Last time you got hurt.”
Fallen: What ABOUT the last time he got hurt?
Steven put his hands behind his head, “And it was my fault for underestimating you. So what do you say? Just let loose! It’s not like it is going to kill you.”
Fallen: And the award for Worst Hamfisted Foreshadowing goes to...
Silent: Drumroll please.
Alexander pulled into the driveway of a modest looking house, the walls were a beautiful shade for sea green, “Okay here you are, now don’t call me when you have to leave, I’m not going to pick you up. You hear?”
Fallen: “Otherwise, it would defeat the whole purpose of abandoning you!”
Silent: “Also, I’ll be banging your girlfriend all night, so I’m not even going to pick up!”
He stepped out of the car, “Ya, I know. I’ll see you on Monday.”
Silent: And those were his famous last words.
Alexander meant to pull out of the driveway and head back to the dorms, but was distracted by the wonderful color of the wall.
Octavia: The way the paint dried was hypnotizing.
Silent: Yes, because an almost chipped wall is always a masterpiece!
It took his breath away and spat it out in the form of a stigma.
Octavia: ...I’m attempting to decipher the INTENDED meaning of the sentence, but I’m at a complete loss.
Silent: You’re just like Twilight and Fluttershy... They seem to try to put logic into this way too much.
Fallen: Half the time, I think Pinkie’s the only one who DOESN’T.
Silent: I don’t.
He just waited patiently for the colors to stop. Only to find they would live forever in the endless plains. While he wait in the dazed state oh his mind, a voice crept into his very ear. A faint whisper, a dying plea, the voice of Lucifer himself.
Fallen: He’s staring at fucking paint. What the shit are you going on about?
Silent: He’s unlocking Hell's gate. That's why he can hear Lucifer.
The voice what smoothly flowing, as if it was rehearsed, “Welcome my dear friend, aren’t you glad that you are the most depressed one of your kind?”
Octavia: ...I’m sorry, what? When did he ever show a single sign of depression?
Silent: We forgot the part where he wrote in his diary about how his life has been so far.
Alex sat in place and stared blankly, “No, I’m not. I hate this, just as much as I hate you.”
The voice called out once more, “au contraire my little pawn, we haven’t meet before, im -”
Discord: Oh, don’t tell me it’s another story where I’M the one responsible.
Fallen: HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN HERE!?
Discord: It helps that you haven’t chaos-proofed your armory.
Silent: I thank you for bringing me in here. Although you did scare the shit out of me on Earth...
Alex slammed his fist against the window, fragmenting the glass,
Silent: He then bled to death. Story’s over! Can I go home now? I have to burn this story IMMEDIATELY!
“I know who you are, and I want you out. Go back to the hell hole you came from.”
The voice was displeased with his rage, but intrigued, “I am Discord, as my name reveals I am chaos and disharmony. I was sent here to find the most depressed one of your species.”
Octavia: ...who sent him, why was he sent, and how does Alexander know him?
Fallen: It’s all because of the reason. Once you accept that in your heart... you will know peace.
Silent: Unfortunately, no one will ever know... Expect that ass that lives across from me. He seems to know everything.
Alex looked behind himself, only to see nothing, “I am not going with you. Or any shit like that! Just get out my head already!”
“Oh naive human, I'm not in your head. I’m in the dimensional plains between my realm and your realm.
Fallen: “It just happens to be LOCATED in your head.”
Silent: The only way to end this is to have his head on a platter.
For if I entered your world it would damage the time space continuum into a never ending cycle that will repeat itself, until somepony finds the gap and stops it.”
“Wow, that is something.”
Fallen: I’ll give him that. Bullshit is still something.
Octavia: Though not quite better than nothing.
Silent: We all know that Doctor Whooves will stop that!
“I’m just kidding kid, I just made that up. Well it is time to go, nobody will miss you here, so it is okay.”
Octavia: What about the friend who dropped him off?
Silent: Didn’t you hear him? He was going to bang this guy’s girlfriend.
“I already told you, I’m no-,” before he could finish his words a hole in the air ripped open and engulfed his existence, making him fall into the rifts of space and enter the world of colors.
Fallen: Which is... basically ANY world. The only way you wouldn’t see color is if your eyes weren’t built to see color.
Silent: HEY, I CAME UP WITH THAT FIRST!
The vortex spat him out into a world filled with bright colored animals, and colorful plants. On the floor he lie in a daze as a group of horses surrounded him and started to stare intently. He still wore his clothes, but they were altered. Skrillex became DJ Pon-3,
Octavia: She does not need the ego boost...
Fallen: First of all, as far as dubstep goes, Skrillex is nothing special. Second of all... Vinyl DOES make some killer music.
Octavia: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Silent: Oh GOD! He listens to Skrillex!? (pulls out sword) We must kill him!
and his black pants were the brightest shade of pink.
Silent: Faaagggg!
Two bright and colorful creatures approached him one with purple, straight hair and pink highlights, and the other with curly solid pink hair and tail. She was bouncing incredibly fast and high for any normal animal.
Fallen: ...this is supposed to be Twilight? Why is she bouncing?
Silent: I think he’s trying to describe Twilight AND Pinkie. Psh... you can never have enough words to describe Pinkie.
Or any animal he had seen on earth, who knows maybe they are on drugs or something.
Octavia: ...Vinyl is doing quite well with her rehabilitation.
Fallen: Okay, a LOT of things just started making sense about Vinyl.
Silent: Because this is going at a steady pace! (Looks at a random speedometer) 500mph. That’s pretty steady.
“Hey crazy voice guy you there? Why are these animals around me?”
The pink horse got close to Alexander’s face
Fallen: Oh, wow. Pinkie IS there. The alicorn was right.
Octavia: ...he has a name.
Fallen: I’m sure he does.
Silent: I do. My name is The Silent Hero. But friends call me Silent.
Fallen: I heard Pinkie the first time.
and it was breathing hard, the smell of sweets and sugar entered his nostrils, “Do you want to be my friend?! I’m friends with every pony in Equestria, and you are no exception. So you want to be my friend?!”
Fallen: (eye twitches)
Octavia: How does he count among “everypony” if he isn’t a pony?
Fallen: The way he’s writing Pinkie isn’t bothering you?
Octavia: ...not particularly.
Silent: I tried describing Pinkie once... Almost went insane.
pinkie was standing over his midsection and pressing her pointy snout against his face.
Alex was scared of the creepy position, “Ummm, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m not the one to be friendly… Can you get off of me already!!!”
Fallen: Any other HiE, and that would have said “get me off.”
Silent: (snickers) Sad thing is... That’s true.
The purple horse approached him and started to drag her off him. “Pinkie we talked about this already! Not until we see what he, I assume its a he, is capable of, he may be just as dangerous as you. Or worse!”
Fallen: And ALREADY with characters bashing Pinkie TO HER FACE. I swear, Kickass222urmom was a primary influence for this asshole.
Silent: Oh. God. I nearly forgot that story “Pinkie learns a new word”. Thanks for the nightmares again.
Alexander got off the floor and started to examine the two talking horses, one was kind of cute with blue eyes, and the other had a very proper haircut. Out of her mane came a short horn shaped thing.
Octavia: Yes, horns tend to be shaped like horns.
Silent: Oh, you mean this thing? (touches horn)
He wanted to touch it, but he assumed she would not appreciate it. “So what are you horses going to do to me? I would prefer to go home already.”
Pinkie pie started to walk up to his face, being a little too tall, she was looking up quite a lot, “Silly we aren’t horses, we’re ponies!”
Fallen: ...there’s not exactly a difference beyond size.
Silent: Well, except for Celestia...
Twilight grabbed pinkie once more and dragged her from the premises.
The purple pony rushed back to the new specimen. “Hello, as you can already tell, we are in Ponyville,
Octavia: Is she addressing the audience? Because Alexander should not be aware of where he is.
Fallen: Either option is bullshit.
Silent: Where did he even land in Ponyville? The market? Near Fluttershy’s cottage?
may i ask you to fill this sheet?” The pony took a sheet of paper and a pen from the little dragon assistant, “Thank you, Spike.”
‘So a dragon named Spike? Wow, Even I could have done better.’
Fallen: Well, then it sucks that you don’t have a say in what someone else chose to name him.
Silent: Also, THEY USE FUCKING QUILLS! AND PENCILS! THAT'S IT!
The clipboard and the pen got placed into his hands, nothing too hard, just simple information Like gender, race, education, and description of species.
Silent: What is he even filling out? An ER waiver?
Simple stuff for a human to answer, it must have been hell to write this. On the back was a long paragraph of text, and a rather large box marked with, “I agree,” at the end. Being smart , he skipped the box of text and marked the box that read, “i agree”.
Fallen: This is kind of more important than the iTunes agreement shit.
Silent: Agreed.
He gave it to Spike, “Hehe, you’re not too cute. I think I’m going to like you, Spike.”
Octavia: Where was the thought process behind this dialogue?
Fallen: What is this “thought” of which you speak?
Spike just stared back at him, “Well that is one way to start a friendship. Okay, Twilight will meet with you in a little while. Right now I am going to run some tests on you.”
“What kind of tests? If it has anything to do with a needle and my blood, i will burn this settlement to the ground.”
Fallen: This isn’t depression. This is sociopathy.
Silent: And yet he questions why nopony likes his stories.
“Well that has already happened, about a week ago, long story. But no, i am going to see how you react in certain…social environments.
Octavia: I can already tell that this is NOT the person to use as the template by which to judge the whole of humanity.
Silent: Oh, trust me. He will destroy every hope and dream you have.
Well I guess we should get you acquainted with the participants, and your temporary rooms.”
Alex was confused still, “Um okay, so what are you to that creepy purple pony?”
Octavia: “Hey! Sparkler is very nice!”
Silent: She is... Shame when we first met I creeped her out.
Spike looked at him in disbelief, “Oh, her, well she is like a mother to me.
Fallen: I’ve heard sister more often than mother.
Silent: She did pretty much raise him.
She doesn’t tell me the story a lot so I don’t know much. She hatched me and she raised me. Other than that, I work for her as her apprentice, and her assistant. Come on ,the mares are waiting for you.”
“Umm-,” he was once more confused, “what’s a mare?”
Octavia: ...he knows who Discord is, and he knows what Ponyville is, but he cannot identify Pinkie, Twilight or Spike, and he cannot define the term “mare.”
Fallen: Continuity is many things, but there’s one key thing that it’s not: A POLITE SUGGESTION.
Silent: Octavia, you forget, this is a terrible author of a bad fanfic.
Spike sighed, “Just come you’ll find out soon enough.” Spike took his hand into his claw and started to drag him through the crowd to a small tent.
Fallen: ...why?
Octavia: I suspect the reason.
Fallen: Ooh, good. You’re learning.
Silent: Other than the reason, who put up the tent?
Inside the tent where 5 different mares. One orange with a blonde mane, one blue with some radical rainbow hair and wings, another with wings but yellow and pink mane hiding in the back, Pinkie Pie, and another horned pony with a white coat and a purple mane. They all were waiting in a line before the new creature; all except the yellow pony, she was hiding behind Spike.
Octavia: I cannot imagine he was effective cover.
Fallen: And again, how does he not know them if he knows Ponyville and Discord?
Silent: Famous words from you. THE REASON!
Every pony, except for the yellow mare said at the same time, “Welcome.”
Spike escorted the yellow pony out of the tent and she scattered,
Octavia: Then why was she even THERE?
“Okay, this is how we are going to run the test. You, alexander, are going to select one of the 5 mares, and live with that pony for a minimal of 3 days, if they would like, they may extend it to a week.
Fallen: ... (grabs a shotgun)
Octavia: Put that down!
Fallen: JUST LET ME SHOOT ALEX IN THE FACE!
Silent: I didn’t do anything, I swear!
Then we repeat the same process until we have all the data we need, so at the max 5 or 6 weeks of living with these lovely mares. Ok now that you know what you are to do, pick one, and she will get you started off on the project.”
Fallen: Oh god. Oh GOD. He based the ENTIRE PLOT OF THE STORY around the human-meets-mane-six cliche that most bad HiE stories only START with!?
Silent: My main priority is to LEAVE Equestria.
“oh-, I get to choice?
Octavia: Choicing is a rare and terrible privilege.
Are there any restrictions?” Not like he would go that far.
Octavia: The fact that you had to spell that out doesn’t instill confidence.
Spike looked at him funny, “Only the limits they give you at that given time. We are only recording you, not them. For the most part at least.”
“Oh okay, I guess I could start off with-” a loud thunderous sound echoed throughout Ponyville.
Fallen: IF I KILL HIM, THE STORY WILL BE OVER!
Octavia: NO, Fallen!
Fallen: IT’LL BE SO EASY!
Silent: You’re not friendly... are you, Fallen?
Octavia: Based on past experience... not particularly.
Every pony fell to their bottoms and alex tumbled forward. Taping his head against Pinkie Pie’s hoof.
Fallen: He would have glued it, but that wouldn’t have ended well.
Silent: The name isn’t capitalized... (facehoofs) Uuugh. I had to fix many of those.
He was slightly embarrassed and got onto his knees trying to escape the strange situation. From outside entered a gray pony with golden hair. She was scorched from the neck down, and walked up to the rainbow haired one. Falling onto her back, shocking her with the leftover static. “Dark clouds aren’t good for sleeping. Can you take me to the hospital?”
Octavia: One would think Derpy would know better than to sleep on a storm cloud.
Fallen: I know her, and she does.
She replied, “Okay, i'll get you there. Sorry Spike, I need to go.” She took of leaving a rainbow coloured trail behind her which disappeared.
Fallen: I don’t think the speed is doing Derpy any favors if she needs medical attention.
Silent: You’re right. She needs a morgue.
After that a young child entered the room, she had white fur and purple and pink hair, but her bottom was blank unlike her mothers. “Hey Rarity, mom is coming over for the week. We have to pick her up.”
“Okay Sweetie Belle, lets go. Sorry Spikey wikey, family matters. Bye every pony. See you soon.”
Octavia: ...the story was systematically eliminating his options for him, wasn’t it.
Silent: Because, like many stories do, fuck logic!
Spike waved to rarity as he blushed slightly, “Well looks like you only have two choices. Who shall it be?”
Al
Fallen: ...Al is shorthand for Albert.
started to think, ‘Lets see, she‘s clearly a ball of excitement. And she is always smiling. Can’t be anything too intense,’
Octavia: The traits you described ALL POINT DIRECTLY TO INTENSITY.
Silent: And to think the author named himself after you...
Octavia: I THOUGHT that was strange.
“Okay, I have decided, I would like,-”pinkie lunged herself at alex’s chest.
“I’m so glad you picked me, we are going to have such a fun time together. Just you and me and a lot of fun stuff.” Pinkie pie got close to his ear, and whispered “A lot of fun.”
Octavia: That’s it. Fallen, give me the gun! I don’t trust you with it!
Fallen: HE NEEDS TO FUCKING DIE!
Silent: (Restraining Fallen) Dude, it’s not worth it! Just burn the story afterwards and forget it ever happened!
I felt really bad letting her down, “I'm sorry but I was going to choice the orange one. I promise I'll have as much fun as I can with you, during and after this ordeal. I'm sorry.” A tear rolled down his face, and land onto her straight hair.
Fallen: ...why was this tiny little thing enough to flatten her mane?
Octavia: And why was he WEEPING over this?
Silent: Alexander needs to man up. He’s a pussy.
“Its okay, as long as we will be friends.” Pinkie let go of his body and left the tent.
“Well that was a bit sad... Applejack can you take it from here? I’m going to help pinkie, bye.”
Octavia: Who’s speaking?
Silent: The voices in your head.
Applejack spoke up, “See ya little fella. Help her good, ya hear?”
“Will do. Now hold up your end.”
Octavia: And what are they even talking about?
Silent: I think this is where shit just got fucking strange.
Applejack tried to grab his wrist, but couldn’t, “Okay, follow me deary. It is a bit far, but worth it.”
“Um okay, I guess.”
Octavia: Where’s the rest? This can’t be all.
Fallen: It’s over. The author was banned from the site before the story could advance more than one chapter.
Silent: So is it over? (wipes his brow) Man, I never thought that old memories could be that bad...
Fallen: ...was there an editor for this story? Because I refuse to believe octavia1997 knew how to spell a single word in that sentence.
Silent: I’m just as amazed as you are. I’d never seen this story.
The shone light with the majestic colors of green and yellow, as the bits of light scampered in and out;
Octavia: The little rascals.
displaying their joy in a wondrous manner. The grace of the lights and the breeze made the night last almost forever before changing once more to a different scene in life’s play. The boy thought to himself, ‘Wow, if only It was like this.’
Octavia: I have to assume It is the name of a character...
Fallen: I’ve got it! His editor was Stephen King!
Silent: That’s why he killed himself recently in a story...
The sound of a car horn
Silent: Wait, I thought we were in Equestria, not Earth!
Fallen: This is his human-in-Equestria story.
Octavia: ...you had quite a negative reaction to that one human-in-Equestria story you riffed with me.
Fallen: I’ve come to DESPISE this genre.
blasted the wonderful dream into a pile of crushed hopes and imaginary creations. In front of him, an old beaten up Volkswagen buggy; the black paint tried to reflect light, but only held onto the rays, dulling its appearance.
Fallen: Black Hole Bumblebee! New from Hasbro!
Silent: BEST. TOY. EVER!
He started to gaze into the black paint of the automobile, and started to see
Silent: How shitty and long this intro is... even the narrator hates this.
Fallen: If I were stuck narrating shit like this, I’d kill everyone involved, then maybe myself if I were that desperate.
Silent: Oh, come on, Fallen. It can’t be that bad... can it?
the true face that it hid underneath. Alexander started to talk to himself as the contentiousness
Octavia: Well... at least his mess-up still produced an actual word?
faded like the hearts of many, “So dark and so beautiful. Only if I could feel it’s face for myself.”
Alexander’s friend struck his head, “Hey its green, c'mon bro, remember to stay focused.”
Octavia: “Just because the narrative is scatterbrained doesn’t mean you should be as well!”
Silent: “But the plot demands it!”
Alex shook his head, “Oh sorry. I was just thinking about some stuff.”
“Geez, you need to let loose sometimes, maybe this will cheer you up.”
Alex sagged his head, “Please let’s not do this again Steven. Last time you got hurt.”
Fallen: What ABOUT the last time he got hurt?
Steven put his hands behind his head, “And it was my fault for underestimating you. So what do you say? Just let loose! It’s not like it is going to kill you.”
Fallen: And the award for Worst Hamfisted Foreshadowing goes to...
Silent: Drumroll please.
Alexander pulled into the driveway of a modest looking house, the walls were a beautiful shade for sea green, “Okay here you are, now don’t call me when you have to leave, I’m not going to pick you up. You hear?”
Fallen: “Otherwise, it would defeat the whole purpose of abandoning you!”
Silent: “Also, I’ll be banging your girlfriend all night, so I’m not even going to pick up!”
He stepped out of the car, “Ya, I know. I’ll see you on Monday.”
Silent: And those were his famous last words.
Alexander meant to pull out of the driveway and head back to the dorms, but was distracted by the wonderful color of the wall.
Octavia: The way the paint dried was hypnotizing.
Silent: Yes, because an almost chipped wall is always a masterpiece!
It took his breath away and spat it out in the form of a stigma.
Octavia: ...I’m attempting to decipher the INTENDED meaning of the sentence, but I’m at a complete loss.
Silent: You’re just like Twilight and Fluttershy... They seem to try to put logic into this way too much.
Fallen: Half the time, I think Pinkie’s the only one who DOESN’T.
Silent: I don’t.
He just waited patiently for the colors to stop. Only to find they would live forever in the endless plains. While he wait in the dazed state oh his mind, a voice crept into his very ear. A faint whisper, a dying plea, the voice of Lucifer himself.
Fallen: He’s staring at fucking paint. What the shit are you going on about?
Silent: He’s unlocking Hell's gate. That's why he can hear Lucifer.
The voice what smoothly flowing, as if it was rehearsed, “Welcome my dear friend, aren’t you glad that you are the most depressed one of your kind?”
Octavia: ...I’m sorry, what? When did he ever show a single sign of depression?
Silent: We forgot the part where he wrote in his diary about how his life has been so far.
Alex sat in place and stared blankly, “No, I’m not. I hate this, just as much as I hate you.”
The voice called out once more, “au contraire my little pawn, we haven’t meet before, im -”
Discord: Oh, don’t tell me it’s another story where I’M the one responsible.
Fallen: HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN HERE!?
Discord: It helps that you haven’t chaos-proofed your armory.
Silent: I thank you for bringing me in here. Although you did scare the shit out of me on Earth...
Alex slammed his fist against the window, fragmenting the glass,
Silent: He then bled to death. Story’s over! Can I go home now? I have to burn this story IMMEDIATELY!
“I know who you are, and I want you out. Go back to the hell hole you came from.”
The voice was displeased with his rage, but intrigued, “I am Discord, as my name reveals I am chaos and disharmony. I was sent here to find the most depressed one of your species.”
Octavia: ...who sent him, why was he sent, and how does Alexander know him?
Fallen: It’s all because of the reason. Once you accept that in your heart... you will know peace.
Silent: Unfortunately, no one will ever know... Expect that ass that lives across from me. He seems to know everything.
Alex looked behind himself, only to see nothing, “I am not going with you. Or any shit like that! Just get out my head already!”
“Oh naive human, I'm not in your head. I’m in the dimensional plains between my realm and your realm.
Fallen: “It just happens to be LOCATED in your head.”
Silent: The only way to end this is to have his head on a platter.
For if I entered your world it would damage the time space continuum into a never ending cycle that will repeat itself, until somepony finds the gap and stops it.”
“Wow, that is something.”
Fallen: I’ll give him that. Bullshit is still something.
Octavia: Though not quite better than nothing.
Silent: We all know that Doctor Whooves will stop that!
“I’m just kidding kid, I just made that up. Well it is time to go, nobody will miss you here, so it is okay.”
Octavia: What about the friend who dropped him off?
Silent: Didn’t you hear him? He was going to bang this guy’s girlfriend.
“I already told you, I’m no-,” before he could finish his words a hole in the air ripped open and engulfed his existence, making him fall into the rifts of space and enter the world of colors.
Fallen: Which is... basically ANY world. The only way you wouldn’t see color is if your eyes weren’t built to see color.
Silent: HEY, I CAME UP WITH THAT FIRST!
The vortex spat him out into a world filled with bright colored animals, and colorful plants. On the floor he lie in a daze as a group of horses surrounded him and started to stare intently. He still wore his clothes, but they were altered. Skrillex became DJ Pon-3,
Octavia: She does not need the ego boost...
Fallen: First of all, as far as dubstep goes, Skrillex is nothing special. Second of all... Vinyl DOES make some killer music.
Octavia: (sighs, rolls eyes)
Silent: Oh GOD! He listens to Skrillex!? (pulls out sword) We must kill him!
and his black pants were the brightest shade of pink.
Silent: Faaagggg!
Two bright and colorful creatures approached him one with purple, straight hair and pink highlights, and the other with curly solid pink hair and tail. She was bouncing incredibly fast and high for any normal animal.
Fallen: ...this is supposed to be Twilight? Why is she bouncing?
Silent: I think he’s trying to describe Twilight AND Pinkie. Psh... you can never have enough words to describe Pinkie.
Or any animal he had seen on earth, who knows maybe they are on drugs or something.
Octavia: ...Vinyl is doing quite well with her rehabilitation.
Fallen: Okay, a LOT of things just started making sense about Vinyl.
Silent: Because this is going at a steady pace! (Looks at a random speedometer) 500mph. That’s pretty steady.
“Hey crazy voice guy you there? Why are these animals around me?”
The pink horse got close to Alexander’s face
Fallen: Oh, wow. Pinkie IS there. The alicorn was right.
Octavia: ...he has a name.
Fallen: I’m sure he does.
Silent: I do. My name is The Silent Hero. But friends call me Silent.
Fallen: I heard Pinkie the first time.
and it was breathing hard, the smell of sweets and sugar entered his nostrils, “Do you want to be my friend?! I’m friends with every pony in Equestria, and you are no exception. So you want to be my friend?!”
Fallen: (eye twitches)
Octavia: How does he count among “everypony” if he isn’t a pony?
Fallen: The way he’s writing Pinkie isn’t bothering you?
Octavia: ...not particularly.
Silent: I tried describing Pinkie once... Almost went insane.
pinkie was standing over his midsection and pressing her pointy snout against his face.
Alex was scared of the creepy position, “Ummm, I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m not the one to be friendly… Can you get off of me already!!!”
Fallen: Any other HiE, and that would have said “get me off.”
Silent: (snickers) Sad thing is... That’s true.
The purple horse approached him and started to drag her off him. “Pinkie we talked about this already! Not until we see what he, I assume its a he, is capable of, he may be just as dangerous as you. Or worse!”
Fallen: And ALREADY with characters bashing Pinkie TO HER FACE. I swear, Kickass222urmom was a primary influence for this asshole.
Silent: Oh. God. I nearly forgot that story “Pinkie learns a new word”. Thanks for the nightmares again.
Alexander got off the floor and started to examine the two talking horses, one was kind of cute with blue eyes, and the other had a very proper haircut. Out of her mane came a short horn shaped thing.
Octavia: Yes, horns tend to be shaped like horns.
Silent: Oh, you mean this thing? (touches horn)
He wanted to touch it, but he assumed she would not appreciate it. “So what are you horses going to do to me? I would prefer to go home already.”
Pinkie pie started to walk up to his face, being a little too tall, she was looking up quite a lot, “Silly we aren’t horses, we’re ponies!”
Fallen: ...there’s not exactly a difference beyond size.
Silent: Well, except for Celestia...
Twilight grabbed pinkie once more and dragged her from the premises.
The purple pony rushed back to the new specimen. “Hello, as you can already tell, we are in Ponyville,
Octavia: Is she addressing the audience? Because Alexander should not be aware of where he is.
Fallen: Either option is bullshit.
Silent: Where did he even land in Ponyville? The market? Near Fluttershy’s cottage?
may i ask you to fill this sheet?” The pony took a sheet of paper and a pen from the little dragon assistant, “Thank you, Spike.”
‘So a dragon named Spike? Wow, Even I could have done better.’
Fallen: Well, then it sucks that you don’t have a say in what someone else chose to name him.
Silent: Also, THEY USE FUCKING QUILLS! AND PENCILS! THAT'S IT!
The clipboard and the pen got placed into his hands, nothing too hard, just simple information Like gender, race, education, and description of species.
Silent: What is he even filling out? An ER waiver?
Simple stuff for a human to answer, it must have been hell to write this. On the back was a long paragraph of text, and a rather large box marked with, “I agree,” at the end. Being smart , he skipped the box of text and marked the box that read, “i agree”.
Fallen: This is kind of more important than the iTunes agreement shit.
Silent: Agreed.
He gave it to Spike, “Hehe, you’re not too cute. I think I’m going to like you, Spike.”
Octavia: Where was the thought process behind this dialogue?
Fallen: What is this “thought” of which you speak?
Spike just stared back at him, “Well that is one way to start a friendship. Okay, Twilight will meet with you in a little while. Right now I am going to run some tests on you.”
“What kind of tests? If it has anything to do with a needle and my blood, i will burn this settlement to the ground.”
Fallen: This isn’t depression. This is sociopathy.
Silent: And yet he questions why nopony likes his stories.
“Well that has already happened, about a week ago, long story. But no, i am going to see how you react in certain…social environments.
Octavia: I can already tell that this is NOT the person to use as the template by which to judge the whole of humanity.
Silent: Oh, trust me. He will destroy every hope and dream you have.
Well I guess we should get you acquainted with the participants, and your temporary rooms.”
Alex was confused still, “Um okay, so what are you to that creepy purple pony?”
Octavia: “Hey! Sparkler is very nice!”
Silent: She is... Shame when we first met I creeped her out.
Spike looked at him in disbelief, “Oh, her, well she is like a mother to me.
Fallen: I’ve heard sister more often than mother.
Silent: She did pretty much raise him.
She doesn’t tell me the story a lot so I don’t know much. She hatched me and she raised me. Other than that, I work for her as her apprentice, and her assistant. Come on ,the mares are waiting for you.”
“Umm-,” he was once more confused, “what’s a mare?”
Octavia: ...he knows who Discord is, and he knows what Ponyville is, but he cannot identify Pinkie, Twilight or Spike, and he cannot define the term “mare.”
Fallen: Continuity is many things, but there’s one key thing that it’s not: A POLITE SUGGESTION.
Silent: Octavia, you forget, this is a terrible author of a bad fanfic.
Spike sighed, “Just come you’ll find out soon enough.” Spike took his hand into his claw and started to drag him through the crowd to a small tent.
Fallen: ...why?
Octavia: I suspect the reason.
Fallen: Ooh, good. You’re learning.
Silent: Other than the reason, who put up the tent?
Inside the tent where 5 different mares. One orange with a blonde mane, one blue with some radical rainbow hair and wings, another with wings but yellow and pink mane hiding in the back, Pinkie Pie, and another horned pony with a white coat and a purple mane. They all were waiting in a line before the new creature; all except the yellow pony, she was hiding behind Spike.
Octavia: I cannot imagine he was effective cover.
Fallen: And again, how does he not know them if he knows Ponyville and Discord?
Silent: Famous words from you. THE REASON!
Every pony, except for the yellow mare said at the same time, “Welcome.”
Spike escorted the yellow pony out of the tent and she scattered,
Octavia: Then why was she even THERE?
“Okay, this is how we are going to run the test. You, alexander, are going to select one of the 5 mares, and live with that pony for a minimal of 3 days, if they would like, they may extend it to a week.
Fallen: ... (grabs a shotgun)
Octavia: Put that down!
Fallen: JUST LET ME SHOOT ALEX IN THE FACE!
Silent: I didn’t do anything, I swear!
Then we repeat the same process until we have all the data we need, so at the max 5 or 6 weeks of living with these lovely mares. Ok now that you know what you are to do, pick one, and she will get you started off on the project.”
Fallen: Oh god. Oh GOD. He based the ENTIRE PLOT OF THE STORY around the human-meets-mane-six cliche that most bad HiE stories only START with!?
Silent: My main priority is to LEAVE Equestria.
“oh-, I get to choice?
Octavia: Choicing is a rare and terrible privilege.
Are there any restrictions?” Not like he would go that far.
Octavia: The fact that you had to spell that out doesn’t instill confidence.
Spike looked at him funny, “Only the limits they give you at that given time. We are only recording you, not them. For the most part at least.”
“Oh okay, I guess I could start off with-” a loud thunderous sound echoed throughout Ponyville.
Fallen: IF I KILL HIM, THE STORY WILL BE OVER!
Octavia: NO, Fallen!
Fallen: IT’LL BE SO EASY!
Silent: You’re not friendly... are you, Fallen?
Octavia: Based on past experience... not particularly.
Every pony fell to their bottoms and alex tumbled forward. Taping his head against Pinkie Pie’s hoof.
Fallen: He would have glued it, but that wouldn’t have ended well.
Silent: The name isn’t capitalized... (facehoofs) Uuugh. I had to fix many of those.
He was slightly embarrassed and got onto his knees trying to escape the strange situation. From outside entered a gray pony with golden hair. She was scorched from the neck down, and walked up to the rainbow haired one. Falling onto her back, shocking her with the leftover static. “Dark clouds aren’t good for sleeping. Can you take me to the hospital?”
Octavia: One would think Derpy would know better than to sleep on a storm cloud.
Fallen: I know her, and she does.
She replied, “Okay, i'll get you there. Sorry Spike, I need to go.” She took of leaving a rainbow coloured trail behind her which disappeared.
Fallen: I don’t think the speed is doing Derpy any favors if she needs medical attention.
Silent: You’re right. She needs a morgue.
After that a young child entered the room, she had white fur and purple and pink hair, but her bottom was blank unlike her mothers. “Hey Rarity, mom is coming over for the week. We have to pick her up.”
“Okay Sweetie Belle, lets go. Sorry Spikey wikey, family matters. Bye every pony. See you soon.”
Octavia: ...the story was systematically eliminating his options for him, wasn’t it.
Silent: Because, like many stories do, fuck logic!
Spike waved to rarity as he blushed slightly, “Well looks like you only have two choices. Who shall it be?”
Al
Fallen: ...Al is shorthand for Albert.
started to think, ‘Lets see, she‘s clearly a ball of excitement. And she is always smiling. Can’t be anything too intense,’
Octavia: The traits you described ALL POINT DIRECTLY TO INTENSITY.
Silent: And to think the author named himself after you...
Octavia: I THOUGHT that was strange.
“Okay, I have decided, I would like,-”pinkie lunged herself at alex’s chest.
“I’m so glad you picked me, we are going to have such a fun time together. Just you and me and a lot of fun stuff.” Pinkie pie got close to his ear, and whispered “A lot of fun.”
Octavia: That’s it. Fallen, give me the gun! I don’t trust you with it!
Fallen: HE NEEDS TO FUCKING DIE!
Silent: (Restraining Fallen) Dude, it’s not worth it! Just burn the story afterwards and forget it ever happened!
I felt really bad letting her down, “I'm sorry but I was going to choice the orange one. I promise I'll have as much fun as I can with you, during and after this ordeal. I'm sorry.” A tear rolled down his face, and land onto her straight hair.
Fallen: ...why was this tiny little thing enough to flatten her mane?
Octavia: And why was he WEEPING over this?
Silent: Alexander needs to man up. He’s a pussy.
“Its okay, as long as we will be friends.” Pinkie let go of his body and left the tent.
“Well that was a bit sad... Applejack can you take it from here? I’m going to help pinkie, bye.”
Octavia: Who’s speaking?
Silent: The voices in your head.
Applejack spoke up, “See ya little fella. Help her good, ya hear?”
“Will do. Now hold up your end.”
Octavia: And what are they even talking about?
Silent: I think this is where shit just got fucking strange.
Applejack tried to grab his wrist, but couldn’t, “Okay, follow me deary. It is a bit far, but worth it.”
“Um okay, I guess.”
Octavia: Where’s the rest? This can’t be all.
Fallen: It’s over. The author was banned from the site before the story could advance more than one chapter.
Silent: So is it over? (wipes his brow) Man, I never thought that old memories could be that bad...
Octavia: I... I’m at a loss for words. That may be the single worst thing I have ever read.
Fallen: And to think this guy thought he could make it on Equestria Daily when THIS is the sort of work he takes pride in and defends!
Silent: I was told he has about five days left in his banishment.
Fallen: Wait, WHAT? It wasn’t a permaban?
Silent: Not sure. Looks like we have to wait and see. I frequently see him around ManeStop. You know, the store for games.
Fallen: ...you actually keep in regular contact with him? You poor thing. The few conversations I had with him just highlighted how much of a mental case was.
Silent: I tend to stay out of sight when I see him...
Pinkie: (from TV) Did you three have fun in there?
Octavia: I grow more concerned for your sanity with each passing moment.
Fallen: Actually, I think I can say I thoroughly enjoyed that. I love riffing stuff by people I can’t stand. It’s kind of therapeutic. And as much as I hate to admit it... for an alicorn, Silent, you’re alright.
Silent: See? Never judge a book by its cover.
Fallen: Even if that cover is a Pony Creator picture of a red and black OC or a palette swap of one of the mane six?
Silent: ...You saw my story didn’t you?
Fallen: Gonna go with “no” for this one. What do I win?
Octavia: FALLEN!
Silent: I may not like being in here much, but I think that Fallen is... alright, if anything.
Dash: (from TV) He grows on you. Like a weed.
Silent: So I don’t want him to grow on me? What kind of weed are we talking here?
Dash: ...suddenly I get the feeling my comparison ran away from me a bit.
Pinkie: Well, at any rate, you guys are free to go!
Octavia: You never locked the doors. We could have left at any time.
Pinkie: Yeah, but you didn’t!
Silent: So Fallen liked me from the beginning a little?
Fallen: Not necessarily. I’m just willing to put up with some things for the sake of a riff.
Silent: And you haven’t earned a medal why?
Octavia: Can we finish this? My ensemble is expecting me for rehearsal in thirty minutes.
Pinkie: Sure thing! Dashie?
(Dash hits the button, turning the TV off with a blip.)
Fallen: And to think this guy thought he could make it on Equestria Daily when THIS is the sort of work he takes pride in and defends!
Silent: I was told he has about five days left in his banishment.
Fallen: Wait, WHAT? It wasn’t a permaban?
Silent: Not sure. Looks like we have to wait and see. I frequently see him around ManeStop. You know, the store for games.
Fallen: ...you actually keep in regular contact with him? You poor thing. The few conversations I had with him just highlighted how much of a mental case was.
Silent: I tend to stay out of sight when I see him...
Pinkie: (from TV) Did you three have fun in there?
Octavia: I grow more concerned for your sanity with each passing moment.
Fallen: Actually, I think I can say I thoroughly enjoyed that. I love riffing stuff by people I can’t stand. It’s kind of therapeutic. And as much as I hate to admit it... for an alicorn, Silent, you’re alright.
Silent: See? Never judge a book by its cover.
Fallen: Even if that cover is a Pony Creator picture of a red and black OC or a palette swap of one of the mane six?
Silent: ...You saw my story didn’t you?
Fallen: Gonna go with “no” for this one. What do I win?
Octavia: FALLEN!
Silent: I may not like being in here much, but I think that Fallen is... alright, if anything.
Dash: (from TV) He grows on you. Like a weed.
Silent: So I don’t want him to grow on me? What kind of weed are we talking here?
Dash: ...suddenly I get the feeling my comparison ran away from me a bit.
Pinkie: Well, at any rate, you guys are free to go!
Octavia: You never locked the doors. We could have left at any time.
Pinkie: Yeah, but you didn’t!
Silent: So Fallen liked me from the beginning a little?
Fallen: Not necessarily. I’m just willing to put up with some things for the sake of a riff.
Silent: And you haven’t earned a medal why?
Octavia: Can we finish this? My ensemble is expecting me for rehearsal in thirty minutes.
Pinkie: Sure thing! Dashie?
(Dash hits the button, turning the TV off with a blip.)
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...