FP Riffs 3: The worst Fanfic EVER
Bluh. I’m still bored enough to riff. How do I time management? The answer is I don’t.
*ahem* ANYWAY. More shit from the F/F/T3K Submissions folder. This time I’m doing a shorter riff of what I’m entirely convinced is a trollfic, which is not helped by the author’s name being Troll. It’s another amusing bit of ohgodwhy known as “The worst Fanfic EVER.” This is the kind of thing I’d probably think of writing if I gave zero shits and let my random roam free. Pray you never witness that hellish sight, dear readers. PRAY.
*ahem* ANYWAY. More shit from the F/F/T3K Submissions folder. This time I’m doing a shorter riff of what I’m entirely convinced is a trollfic, which is not helped by the author’s name being Troll. It’s another amusing bit of ohgodwhy known as “The worst Fanfic EVER.” This is the kind of thing I’d probably think of writing if I gave zero shits and let my random roam free. Pray you never witness that hellish sight, dear readers. PRAY.
Fallen Prime: Alright, melee and close combat on the entrance wall... how did Fluttershy even know what she was talking about? I swear, if I ever got in a gunfight with her, she’d FUCK ME UP.
Rarity: Well, it IS coming along nicely, I’ll lend you that much praise.
Fallen: Hi, Rarity. No, you coming in unannounced doesn’t surprise me.
Rarity: And why would that be?
Fallen: Because this has happened before, and I’ve learned to just accept the total lack of security I enjoy in this armory.
Rarity: Why not just change the locks, then?
Fallen: Would it stop you from coming in?
Rarity: …
Fallen: And there’s the point. Also, hello to you too, Applejack.
Applejack: Oh wow. How’d ya even know ah was here?
Fallen: Because now that Rarity’s here, you were the only Element bearer to not bother me, and this shit’s going like clockwork. And why are you two even here?
Rarity: I required a break from Author and his abominable story pitches, and I noticed this decent-sized compound right next door.
Fallen: Well, I’m sure you can see why I need the space.
AJ: Not really. Ain’t it a waste to set all this aside for a bunch of guns?
Fallen: Not at all. I have good reasons for owning all of this, first and foremost being oh good god this is a setup for another forced riff, isn’t it.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Wow, you’re good!
Fallen: Sweet Jesus, not even two seconds of downtime...
Rarity: Honestly, Pinkie Pie? Have you no restraint? I step out for a few moments, and you just find out my new location and subject me to dreadful stories regardless.
Pinkie: No, I just wanted to prank Primey again. You just happened to be there!
Fallen: I want to know, Pinkie. How did you rig both Author’s studio AND my armory to work with this series of pranks?
Pinkie: Not cheaply, I’ll tell you that much!
Fallen: And shame on me for expecting a straight answer.
AJ: Hold up. Don’t y’all normally lock us up right before ya pop up on the screen?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Normally, yeah, but there’s somepony else we’re waiting for.
Rarity: I can’t imagine who that would be.
Dash: You’ll definitely be surprised. That’s all I’ll-
Vinyl Scratch: WHOA! Bitchin’ armory, man!
Fallen: Um... thanks?
Pinkie: And THERE she is! An old friend of mine, Vinyl Scratch! Or DJ P0N-3 on stage.
Vinyl: The one and only.
Pinkie: Do you know why I brought you here, Scratchie?
Vinyl: Actually... no idea. Why am I here?
Dash: Glad you asked, because it’s time for you to read a story that’s literally called “The worst Fanfic EVER!”
AJ: Aw, horseapples...
Rarity: This will not be pleasant, will it.
Vinyl: Pinkie? You’re crazy. For real.
Fallen: I’d just like to note that you still haven’t-
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: ...never mind.
Vinyl: So... you’ve all done this before, right? Whatever this is?
AJ: Eeyup.
Rarity: Far too often.
Fallen: I’m a pro at this.
Vinyl: Then somepony explain what the buck I’m in for.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen: And there’s the story sign. You’ll learn as you go, Vinyl!
Rarity: Well, it IS coming along nicely, I’ll lend you that much praise.
Fallen: Hi, Rarity. No, you coming in unannounced doesn’t surprise me.
Rarity: And why would that be?
Fallen: Because this has happened before, and I’ve learned to just accept the total lack of security I enjoy in this armory.
Rarity: Why not just change the locks, then?
Fallen: Would it stop you from coming in?
Rarity: …
Fallen: And there’s the point. Also, hello to you too, Applejack.
Applejack: Oh wow. How’d ya even know ah was here?
Fallen: Because now that Rarity’s here, you were the only Element bearer to not bother me, and this shit’s going like clockwork. And why are you two even here?
Rarity: I required a break from Author and his abominable story pitches, and I noticed this decent-sized compound right next door.
Fallen: Well, I’m sure you can see why I need the space.
AJ: Not really. Ain’t it a waste to set all this aside for a bunch of guns?
Fallen: Not at all. I have good reasons for owning all of this, first and foremost being oh good god this is a setup for another forced riff, isn’t it.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) Wow, you’re good!
Fallen: Sweet Jesus, not even two seconds of downtime...
Rarity: Honestly, Pinkie Pie? Have you no restraint? I step out for a few moments, and you just find out my new location and subject me to dreadful stories regardless.
Pinkie: No, I just wanted to prank Primey again. You just happened to be there!
Fallen: I want to know, Pinkie. How did you rig both Author’s studio AND my armory to work with this series of pranks?
Pinkie: Not cheaply, I’ll tell you that much!
Fallen: And shame on me for expecting a straight answer.
AJ: Hold up. Don’t y’all normally lock us up right before ya pop up on the screen?
Rainbow Dash: (from TV) Normally, yeah, but there’s somepony else we’re waiting for.
Rarity: I can’t imagine who that would be.
Dash: You’ll definitely be surprised. That’s all I’ll-
Vinyl Scratch: WHOA! Bitchin’ armory, man!
Fallen: Um... thanks?
Pinkie: And THERE she is! An old friend of mine, Vinyl Scratch! Or DJ P0N-3 on stage.
Vinyl: The one and only.
Pinkie: Do you know why I brought you here, Scratchie?
Vinyl: Actually... no idea. Why am I here?
Dash: Glad you asked, because it’s time for you to read a story that’s literally called “The worst Fanfic EVER!”
AJ: Aw, horseapples...
Rarity: This will not be pleasant, will it.
Vinyl: Pinkie? You’re crazy. For real.
Fallen: I’d just like to note that you still haven’t-
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: ...never mind.
Vinyl: So... you’ve all done this before, right? Whatever this is?
AJ: Eeyup.
Rarity: Far too often.
Fallen: I’m a pro at this.
Vinyl: Then somepony explain what the buck I’m in for.
(Buzzer sounds.)
Fallen: And there’s the story sign. You’ll learn as you go, Vinyl!
Sweet ass introduction, that's what this is. Fucking action, explosions everywhere. You're hooked now, you will continue to read further. Time to introduce the ponies.
Vinyl: AW YEAH! This is actually gonna be AWESOME!
AJ: Ah think the intro gave me whiplash.
The tense and perspective is going to change very often, so GET USED TO IT.
Fallen: Oh, fan-tucking-fastic.
I'm talking directly to the reader, that's a hug no-no in writing, but I'm doing it anyway. Because I'm a badass.
Rarity: Well, we may choose not to listen.
Buckle your seat belt and pull your pants up, because by the end of this you won't have any pants.
Vinyl: Holy shit, he’s right! I already lost my-
Fallen: You never had them, DJ.
Shits about to get crazy. Watch out, I cuss like a snake if "ssss" was a swear.
Fucking Twilight Sparkle up in here reading some nasty ass book doing some intelligent shit.
AJ: That could just as well apply to Rainbow now.
Rarity is doing something related to fashion and shit, and she speaks like she's from Britain, even though she isn't.
Rarity: Why, I never!
When she speaks, she speaks eloquently, even though Twilight is the only one that can speak like that at times. Rarity refers to Rarity in the third-person, because Rarity is the most badass fashion pony that ever walked across this gigantic candy colored land.
Rarity: Well, I do have my moments- NO! Flattery will get you nowhere, story!
Applejack's doing something crazy at the farm. Probably making out with Fluttershy.
AJ: Gonna hafta stop ya there. Why Fluttershy, of all ponies? And why can’t ah just be doin’ work on the farm like ah SHOULD be?
And Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash is being shipped with everypony. Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Colgate, Derpy, Spike, Tom the rock, a fucking toaster, herself. You name it, she's being shipped with it.
Rarity: Photo Finish?
AJ: Braeburn?
Fallen: Vinyl Scratch?
Vinyl: Wait, what are we talking about?
The ponies gather at some meeting point, shit starts to get real. Twilight is all, "Fuck yo shit Applejack, read a book." Then she takes a book from the shelf, reads it, downs an entire keg of kool-aid, and slaps Applejack.
Fallen: Okay, what the hell is this?
Vinyl: BADASS is what it is!
Fallen: Why did Pinkie bring you here?
Then Applejack is all like, "Twilight I'ma buck yo head like I buck Apple...Bloom." Filly abuse isn't funny bitches, even I know that.
AJ: Ah swear, if ah ever find whoever wrote this, ah’m gonna-
Rarity: Applejack, darling, just let it go. I’ve participated in enough of these to know no good ever comes of swearing vengeance upon the authors.
"Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned filly abuse is a real issue, and fucking muffins."
Derpy: Oh, somepony said “muffins?”
Fallen: HOW THE FUCK DID-
The internet exists in Ponyville now, and they have Hoofbook.
Fallen: (facepalm)
Rarity: Is something the matter, Fallen?
Fallen: You wouldn’t get it...
Twilight and her friends search on hoofbook to see what everypony is up to. Somepony posted a picture of a filly that was injured and abused. On Hoofbook, there's a button called the "like button", and you press it to like something. On top of the picture it says, "Like if you are against filly abuse."
Fallen: It pisses me off enough to see that on Tumblr.
Vinyl: Hey, it’s a serious issue!
Fallen: I never said it wasn’t, but that shit just bothers me.
Twilight pondered that for a moment. What kind of sick fuck is supporting filly abuse, and would openly claim it on Hoofbook? What kind of pony would stand on the streets and preach in support of filly abuse?
Fallen: I’ve read stories where I could name several ponies who just might.
Rarity: As have I. I’m compiling a list as we speak.
Nopony. Twilight didn't understand what liking the picture had to do with her stance on filly abuse, anyway.
In fact, when the words on top of the picture were taken away, all that is left is a picture of an abused filly, and it's been liked over 100,000 times. Seriously what the hell, thought Twilight.
Fallen: EXACTLY!
Then robots came to the city. Because robots.
Fallen, Rarity, AJ: What.
Vinyl: Oh, hell bucking yes.
"Twilight! I thought you were dead!"
Vinyl: Nah, she’s too magical to die.
"Think again. Bitches." Then Twilight destroyed all the robots. With her stomach.
AJ: However THAT works.
Zombies started to come out of the ground. Rarity thought that was pretty gross so she kicked one in the face. The zombie died but his buddies attacked Rarity. Rarity started whining and they all died. It was gnarly.
Rarity: Do not doubt the persuasive power of whining.
AJ: You can persuade zombies to die by whinin’?
Rarity: I have yet to try, but you never know.
Massive rocks fell from the sky. They destroyed everything. Luckily it was opposite day.
Fallen: I swear this is 29P all over again. I can almost hear Pinkie making sense of it now. And by “almost,” I mean-
Vinyl: Wow, opposite day. So the rocks CREATED everything!
Fallen: Oh my god, why are you here?
Then one random zebra came to Ponyville. He hated ponies for no reason other than they weren't zebras.
Fallen: “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”
Even though the ponies didn't do anything to hurt him, or instigate him, he spent every day raging against the ponies. He spent about 90% of his day using his own time and energy to hate on the ponies.
Rarity: That hardly seems productive.
Twilight thought that was ironic, spending most of your day involving yourself with something you hate. So she kicked the zebra in the face and sat on him.
AJ: Okay, how can all this stupid be in one place?
Fallen: You weren’t there for 29P. EVERY SENTENCE.
Vinyl: Dude. You’re letting me read that the second this is done.
The zebra died, but there were millions of other zebras. Applejack shot a laser out of her mouth to kill all the zebras, but it was futile.
AJ: Ah- how- but- ah don’t- WHAT?
Applejack realized that force wasn't going to work on the zebras, so they just ignored them. Realizing that the ponies weren't reacting, the zebras got bored and left.
Rarity: That is how we avoid most major conflicts. We shun and ignore any tension until it goes away.
Fallen: Or you friend it to death.
Rarity: Yes, there’s always that option as well.
And that's how Equestria was made. Bitches.
Fallen: Because adding “bitches” to the end of everything makes it more SRS BSNS.
Vinyl: You know it, bitches!
Unluckily for the ponies, it was Friday the nineteenth. And everypony knew that today meant bad luck. Why?
Fallen: Because of the reason?
AJ: ‘Cuz of the plot?
Rarity: Because of the nonsense?
Because thousands of years ago a bunch of gypsies got together and decided doing the most random of shit is unlucky, and thousands of years later the ponies still embrace that.
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds about right.
A new pony shows up, it's cute and adorable.
Rarity: Do we have a Mary Sue already?
AJ: Nah, it ain’t around long enough.
The ponies raise it as their own in Twilight's library. Then the pony leaves. Everyone is all emotional and shit, it gets fucking sad, because the pony they felt loosely attached to left.
AJ: See? Four sentences and it’s gone.
Nopony knows who Lyra is, because nopony can remember her.
Vinyl: No, I know her. That’s what’s-her-face with the lyre, right? Friends with that one with the sweets shop?
Fallen: Well, you clearly know better than we do...
Out in the town, Lyra was running around, punching ponies in the face. Then she'd run away as they chased her, but then forgot who she was.
AJ: Ah’m pretty sure gettin’ punched in the face ain’t somethin’ ah’d forget so soon.
She giggled with delight as she stole everything out of a store, and nopony could remember who stole it. She wrote hate mail to Celestia, but all she saw was a blank paper.
Fallen: She’s with the Silence, apparently.
Lyra was the ultimate troll.
Fallen: Oh, Trollestia’s gonna be pissed that there’s a pretender to the throne...
"Rainbow Dash stop humping the toaster." Toasters don't exist, but Rainbow Dash is getting shipped with them anyway.
Vinyl: What DON’T they ship Dash with?
Fallen: Nothing. There are as many things that Dash is shipped with as there are things that drugs are like.
You thought Pinkie Pie is all giggly and bubbly? Think again, on the inside she is a demented and twisted fuck.
AJ: We all saw that side of her on her last birthday.
Rarity: THAT’S where your mind went? I was reminded of “Cupcakes.”
Fallen: You’re not alone.
We can just assume that because all ponies with happy exteriors are evil on the inside. She does crazy shit, like cook muffins. Without flour. FUCKING INSANITY.
Vinyl: No joking. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s terrifying.
Rarity and Spike must be shipped, but everything's gotta be sad.
Rarity: This again? Why must fanfiction writers insist on pairing me with Spike? I mean no offense, but there are far too many reasons why it simply cannot work!
Spike learns the truth, he becomes a monster. Rarity is a lady, she can't be seen with such a monster, but they have undying love for each other. Excluding the fact that they are completely different species, and that Spike is a baby,
Rarity: See? Those are just the larger complications with-
they gunna get it on.
Rarity: Ugh!
AJ: Easy, Rare.
Too bad that's never going to happen, large Doritos fall from the sky and crush Spike. Rarity cries a shitload, but gets over it because she sees a diamond.
Rarity: I BEG YOUR PARDON!? I am NOT that shallow!
What happened to the pets?
Fallen: I always just assumed it was like Optimus Prime’s trailer. Just disappeared offscreen when they weren’t needed.
It's okay those guys aren't ever going to show up again, they all got shipped with Rainbow Dash and died.
Fallen: ...what?
From sex.
AJ: What?
Too much of it.
Rarity: WHAT!?
Because they had sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex everywhere.
Vinyl: ...am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda hot?
Fallen, Rarity, AJ: YES.
You just read a clop fic, congratulations. Back to the ponies.
Fallen: I’m surprised I haven’t given up on sanity yet.
The ponies decide it would be a great day to go outside. They do this to smell the leaves and the trees and the flowers and the sky and the sky and the sky and the sky and the FUCKING SKY.
AJ: Ah don’t think they said the sky enough times.
Rarity: What would it even smell like?
Vinyl: I dunno, but now I kinda want to find out.
Fallen: Seriously. What are you even-
Unnecessary description? No problem I'll just use synonyms. The crimson sky lowered through the gray fluffs of condensed water suspended in the atmosphere.
Fallen: I don’t think you know what a synonym is.
The streaks of orange and yellow combined in the air, spreading throughout the sky, emanating from the horizon. Peace, harmony, the sun nestles down into it's resting place, pulling the moon up as if by some invisible string. Wispy clouds floated gently through the air, gentle winds pushing them north.
Rarity: My my my. That was almost descriptive language.
The ponies were outside now, and it was time to get funky. Pinke Pie turned on some music, but Vinyl Scratch said, "Fuck bitches, acquire bits,"
Vinyl: You know it!
and then stabbed Pinkie Pie thirty-seven times.
Vinyl: WHAT!?
Fallen: Interesting that Pinkie would be on the receiving end of stabs.
Pinkie didn't die. Pinkie can't die. Pinkie won't die. Pinkie is invincible. Be afraid.
Fallen: I’d buy it.
Scratch played some sweet ass music, and everypony was all dancing and shit.
AJ: How d’you even call that music, Vinyl?
Vinyl: HEY! Don’t diss the bass!
"Yo Applejack come dance," said Rainbow Dash, but really what she meant to say was "Let's get it on, I'm a lesbian because of my voice and tomboyish personality."
AJ: Uh... no offense to you, Rainbow, but ah don’t-
Fallen: Ignore it, it’s just bad fiction.
In reality, neither of those things have anything to contribute to homosexuality, and assuming Rainbow is a lesbian is just dumb. But Rainbow Dash gets shipped with everything so it doesn't matter.
Rarity: What sort of logic is that?
Vinyl: Flawless.
Applejack came to dance, and she was good. So good in fact, that the god of dancing descended from the sky and challenged her to a dance-off. They danced for twelve days straight. Applejack died of starvation, the god died because dancing.
Vinyl: Please dance responsibly.
Then all the ponies decided to bury Applejack's body, but Applejack wasn't really dead. She just faked it because muffins.
Derpy: Alright, I KNOW there are muffins around here somewhere!
Fallen: How are you getting in here!?
The ponies all went to Twilight's library and played monopoly. Seventeen hours later, the game was two sixteenths of the way done.
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds like a typical game of Monopoly.
Twilight had four hotels, but Rainbow Dash was gaining.
"Fuck dis shit." Pinkie Pie ate the game. She was losing.
Fallen: No, that’s still normal for Monopoly.
Now it's Sunday. The ponies decide to go on an adventure. They go on an adventure for a really long-ass time, and it takes forever. When they reach the end of the adventure, they defeat a really bad guy and win. Then they go home.
AJ: Every day ah wake up, do stuff, and go to sleep.
Now whenever they watch an action movie they experience deja vu.
Fallen: Except we all know deja vu is a glitch in the Matrix.
AJ: Kinda lost me there, sugarcube.
Fallen: It happens.
"Let's climb a mountain," said Twilight. The ponies didn't agree but they did it anyway.
Vinyl: Is that normal for you guys?
Rarity: Minus the unwillingness, more or less.
When they got to the top of the mountain there were aliens there so they destroyed them all with gigantic blocks. Waffles. Waffles everywhere. Because waffles.
Rarity: Suddenly I’ve developed a craving for pancakes.
Two days later Pinkie Pie was pooping monopoly shit all over the place. It was nasty so nopony went near her for a couple days.
AJ: Ah don’t think it’d be that big a deal unless she were doin’ that all over the place.
She went crazy and got a pile of rocks for friends. I cried a lot because that pile of rocks was my only friend and Pinkie stole it from me, but after two days I got him back. It's all good.
Fallen: That’s kind of sad. And not in the sense it’s going for.
The ponies all decided to eat lunch. The lunch was delicious. It costed five bits.
Rarity: A vital bit of information.
They all enjoyed the good time and went home with a smile. Then for the rest of the day, they all did they're normal activities.
Vinyl: That sounds lame. Where are the nightclubs and raves? Live a little, ponies!
The next day they did the same exact thing. But this time it costed six bits. Applejack was outraged so she ate the waiter. He was delicious. Tasted like pony.
Fallen: I wonder why that could have been.
AJ: Ah WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh yeah, that too.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders actually go crusading, but fail. Then Scootaloo thinks that the sky is falling but Sweetie Belle tells her that it's just her imagination.
Vinyl: That’s just what falling up looks like.
Turns out the sky was actually falling. Applebloom came over to her friends as the sky fell down and said, "I love apples." Then the sky went back up and stopped falling. Shit was crazy.
Fallen: Understatement of the century.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alright, what should we do today?" Twilight looked at her companions. Each one returned the stare, there wasn't much to do today. They had done basically all there was to do around Ponyville. Except...
Vinyl: Orgy?
Rarity: How could you suggest such a thing!?
The ponies giggled as they trotted through the town. Soon enough they reached their destination.
Fallen: The gates of Tartarus?
AJ: Not for all the farmland in Equestria.
They all walked inside. With a smile to each other they nodded, and then stared at the store manager.
Then they just destroyed everything.
Fallen: Of course. Because what else are you going to do?
Vinyl: I know, right?
Fallen: Why are you here? Why are you alive?
The End.
Rarity: ...seriously?
Just kidding the story isn't finished yet.
Rarity: Drat.
The ponies got together for their nightly game of scrabble. Twilight was the best at the game because she knew a lot of words.
Fallen: Well, obviously.
Applejack wasn't good at the game because all she could spell was apple.
AJ: That’s it! Ah’m gonna hogtie this scumbag and roast him alive!
Fallen: Applejack, stop! That’s not the way to go about it!
AJ: Then what do YOU suggest, huh!?
Fallen: Castration with a rusty sawblade. That solves basically everything.
AJ: ...ah’ll think about it.
Pinkie Pie is illiterate and Rainbow Dash can't spell. Fluttershy didn't come to scrabble nights because she knew that after the game of scrabble they'd all go up to Twilight's bedroom and
Vinyl: Orgy?
do things that aren't sexual.
Vinyl: What in Celestia’s name are you doing with your lives!?
The next day Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia. It said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Fallen: “Can I just go ONE story without writing you a letter?”
Today I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that aldksjglkdhasldkf
Rarity: I expected her to be more intelligible than that.
I love Rainbow Dash. I want to worship her. If I could touch her I'd orgasm twelve times and then I'd give her my undying affection and love. Then I'd be her personal slave. You should make her a wonderbolt. Kthanksbye.
Fallen: Seems legit.
Rainbow Dash had come into the library, knocked Twilight out cold, and wrote the end of the letter. Then she had spike send it while Twilight was lying limp in the closet.
AJ: Wouldn’t Spike notice somethin’ was up?
Rarity: Now that the princess has assigned us all the friendship reports, I find that somewhat less likely, but still, he almost certainly would.
Princess Celestia got the letter and laughed.
"Haha I hate Rainbow Dash."
Vinyl: When you’re on Celestia’s bad side, you KNOW you bucked up.
Then she shot an arrow at a bulls-eye with Rainbow Dashes face on it. Two minutes later she was worshiping Rainbow Dash because she's fucking boss.
Fallen: And instant 180 of opinion.
The next day it rained.
Twilight said, "I hate rain."
AJ: What’s wrong with rain? Ah need it for my crops to grow!
The end.
Rarity: For real this time?
Fallen: Yes, this is the legitimate end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: LOL AM I FUNNY PLEEZ GIV FEEDBACK BUT NO BAD ONES PLZZZZ TANKX BIE
Fallen: Too late, fuckdick.
AJ: Are we done here? Please say we’re done here.
Fallen: Yes, Applejack, we’re done here.
Vinyl: AW YEAH! This is actually gonna be AWESOME!
AJ: Ah think the intro gave me whiplash.
The tense and perspective is going to change very often, so GET USED TO IT.
Fallen: Oh, fan-tucking-fastic.
I'm talking directly to the reader, that's a hug no-no in writing, but I'm doing it anyway. Because I'm a badass.
Rarity: Well, we may choose not to listen.
Buckle your seat belt and pull your pants up, because by the end of this you won't have any pants.
Vinyl: Holy shit, he’s right! I already lost my-
Fallen: You never had them, DJ.
Shits about to get crazy. Watch out, I cuss like a snake if "ssss" was a swear.
Fucking Twilight Sparkle up in here reading some nasty ass book doing some intelligent shit.
AJ: That could just as well apply to Rainbow now.
Rarity is doing something related to fashion and shit, and she speaks like she's from Britain, even though she isn't.
Rarity: Why, I never!
When she speaks, she speaks eloquently, even though Twilight is the only one that can speak like that at times. Rarity refers to Rarity in the third-person, because Rarity is the most badass fashion pony that ever walked across this gigantic candy colored land.
Rarity: Well, I do have my moments- NO! Flattery will get you nowhere, story!
Applejack's doing something crazy at the farm. Probably making out with Fluttershy.
AJ: Gonna hafta stop ya there. Why Fluttershy, of all ponies? And why can’t ah just be doin’ work on the farm like ah SHOULD be?
And Rainbow Dash? Rainbow Dash is being shipped with everypony. Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Fluttershy, Colgate, Derpy, Spike, Tom the rock, a fucking toaster, herself. You name it, she's being shipped with it.
Rarity: Photo Finish?
AJ: Braeburn?
Fallen: Vinyl Scratch?
Vinyl: Wait, what are we talking about?
The ponies gather at some meeting point, shit starts to get real. Twilight is all, "Fuck yo shit Applejack, read a book." Then she takes a book from the shelf, reads it, downs an entire keg of kool-aid, and slaps Applejack.
Fallen: Okay, what the hell is this?
Vinyl: BADASS is what it is!
Fallen: Why did Pinkie bring you here?
Then Applejack is all like, "Twilight I'ma buck yo head like I buck Apple...Bloom." Filly abuse isn't funny bitches, even I know that.
AJ: Ah swear, if ah ever find whoever wrote this, ah’m gonna-
Rarity: Applejack, darling, just let it go. I’ve participated in enough of these to know no good ever comes of swearing vengeance upon the authors.
"Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned filly abuse is a real issue, and fucking muffins."
Derpy: Oh, somepony said “muffins?”
Fallen: HOW THE FUCK DID-
The internet exists in Ponyville now, and they have Hoofbook.
Fallen: (facepalm)
Rarity: Is something the matter, Fallen?
Fallen: You wouldn’t get it...
Twilight and her friends search on hoofbook to see what everypony is up to. Somepony posted a picture of a filly that was injured and abused. On Hoofbook, there's a button called the "like button", and you press it to like something. On top of the picture it says, "Like if you are against filly abuse."
Fallen: It pisses me off enough to see that on Tumblr.
Vinyl: Hey, it’s a serious issue!
Fallen: I never said it wasn’t, but that shit just bothers me.
Twilight pondered that for a moment. What kind of sick fuck is supporting filly abuse, and would openly claim it on Hoofbook? What kind of pony would stand on the streets and preach in support of filly abuse?
Fallen: I’ve read stories where I could name several ponies who just might.
Rarity: As have I. I’m compiling a list as we speak.
Nopony. Twilight didn't understand what liking the picture had to do with her stance on filly abuse, anyway.
In fact, when the words on top of the picture were taken away, all that is left is a picture of an abused filly, and it's been liked over 100,000 times. Seriously what the hell, thought Twilight.
Fallen: EXACTLY!
Then robots came to the city. Because robots.
Fallen, Rarity, AJ: What.
Vinyl: Oh, hell bucking yes.
"Twilight! I thought you were dead!"
Vinyl: Nah, she’s too magical to die.
"Think again. Bitches." Then Twilight destroyed all the robots. With her stomach.
AJ: However THAT works.
Zombies started to come out of the ground. Rarity thought that was pretty gross so she kicked one in the face. The zombie died but his buddies attacked Rarity. Rarity started whining and they all died. It was gnarly.
Rarity: Do not doubt the persuasive power of whining.
AJ: You can persuade zombies to die by whinin’?
Rarity: I have yet to try, but you never know.
Massive rocks fell from the sky. They destroyed everything. Luckily it was opposite day.
Fallen: I swear this is 29P all over again. I can almost hear Pinkie making sense of it now. And by “almost,” I mean-
Vinyl: Wow, opposite day. So the rocks CREATED everything!
Fallen: Oh my god, why are you here?
Then one random zebra came to Ponyville. He hated ponies for no reason other than they weren't zebras.
Fallen: “EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!”
Even though the ponies didn't do anything to hurt him, or instigate him, he spent every day raging against the ponies. He spent about 90% of his day using his own time and energy to hate on the ponies.
Rarity: That hardly seems productive.
Twilight thought that was ironic, spending most of your day involving yourself with something you hate. So she kicked the zebra in the face and sat on him.
AJ: Okay, how can all this stupid be in one place?
Fallen: You weren’t there for 29P. EVERY SENTENCE.
Vinyl: Dude. You’re letting me read that the second this is done.
The zebra died, but there were millions of other zebras. Applejack shot a laser out of her mouth to kill all the zebras, but it was futile.
AJ: Ah- how- but- ah don’t- WHAT?
Applejack realized that force wasn't going to work on the zebras, so they just ignored them. Realizing that the ponies weren't reacting, the zebras got bored and left.
Rarity: That is how we avoid most major conflicts. We shun and ignore any tension until it goes away.
Fallen: Or you friend it to death.
Rarity: Yes, there’s always that option as well.
And that's how Equestria was made. Bitches.
Fallen: Because adding “bitches” to the end of everything makes it more SRS BSNS.
Vinyl: You know it, bitches!
Unluckily for the ponies, it was Friday the nineteenth. And everypony knew that today meant bad luck. Why?
Fallen: Because of the reason?
AJ: ‘Cuz of the plot?
Rarity: Because of the nonsense?
Because thousands of years ago a bunch of gypsies got together and decided doing the most random of shit is unlucky, and thousands of years later the ponies still embrace that.
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds about right.
A new pony shows up, it's cute and adorable.
Rarity: Do we have a Mary Sue already?
AJ: Nah, it ain’t around long enough.
The ponies raise it as their own in Twilight's library. Then the pony leaves. Everyone is all emotional and shit, it gets fucking sad, because the pony they felt loosely attached to left.
AJ: See? Four sentences and it’s gone.
Nopony knows who Lyra is, because nopony can remember her.
Vinyl: No, I know her. That’s what’s-her-face with the lyre, right? Friends with that one with the sweets shop?
Fallen: Well, you clearly know better than we do...
Out in the town, Lyra was running around, punching ponies in the face. Then she'd run away as they chased her, but then forgot who she was.
AJ: Ah’m pretty sure gettin’ punched in the face ain’t somethin’ ah’d forget so soon.
She giggled with delight as she stole everything out of a store, and nopony could remember who stole it. She wrote hate mail to Celestia, but all she saw was a blank paper.
Fallen: She’s with the Silence, apparently.
Lyra was the ultimate troll.
Fallen: Oh, Trollestia’s gonna be pissed that there’s a pretender to the throne...
"Rainbow Dash stop humping the toaster." Toasters don't exist, but Rainbow Dash is getting shipped with them anyway.
Vinyl: What DON’T they ship Dash with?
Fallen: Nothing. There are as many things that Dash is shipped with as there are things that drugs are like.
You thought Pinkie Pie is all giggly and bubbly? Think again, on the inside she is a demented and twisted fuck.
AJ: We all saw that side of her on her last birthday.
Rarity: THAT’S where your mind went? I was reminded of “Cupcakes.”
Fallen: You’re not alone.
We can just assume that because all ponies with happy exteriors are evil on the inside. She does crazy shit, like cook muffins. Without flour. FUCKING INSANITY.
Vinyl: No joking. I’ve seen it happen, and it’s terrifying.
Rarity and Spike must be shipped, but everything's gotta be sad.
Rarity: This again? Why must fanfiction writers insist on pairing me with Spike? I mean no offense, but there are far too many reasons why it simply cannot work!
Spike learns the truth, he becomes a monster. Rarity is a lady, she can't be seen with such a monster, but they have undying love for each other. Excluding the fact that they are completely different species, and that Spike is a baby,
Rarity: See? Those are just the larger complications with-
they gunna get it on.
Rarity: Ugh!
AJ: Easy, Rare.
Too bad that's never going to happen, large Doritos fall from the sky and crush Spike. Rarity cries a shitload, but gets over it because she sees a diamond.
Rarity: I BEG YOUR PARDON!? I am NOT that shallow!
What happened to the pets?
Fallen: I always just assumed it was like Optimus Prime’s trailer. Just disappeared offscreen when they weren’t needed.
It's okay those guys aren't ever going to show up again, they all got shipped with Rainbow Dash and died.
Fallen: ...what?
From sex.
AJ: What?
Too much of it.
Rarity: WHAT!?
Because they had sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex. Sex everywhere.
Vinyl: ...am I the only one who thinks that’s kinda hot?
Fallen, Rarity, AJ: YES.
You just read a clop fic, congratulations. Back to the ponies.
Fallen: I’m surprised I haven’t given up on sanity yet.
The ponies decide it would be a great day to go outside. They do this to smell the leaves and the trees and the flowers and the sky and the sky and the sky and the sky and the FUCKING SKY.
AJ: Ah don’t think they said the sky enough times.
Rarity: What would it even smell like?
Vinyl: I dunno, but now I kinda want to find out.
Fallen: Seriously. What are you even-
Unnecessary description? No problem I'll just use synonyms. The crimson sky lowered through the gray fluffs of condensed water suspended in the atmosphere.
Fallen: I don’t think you know what a synonym is.
The streaks of orange and yellow combined in the air, spreading throughout the sky, emanating from the horizon. Peace, harmony, the sun nestles down into it's resting place, pulling the moon up as if by some invisible string. Wispy clouds floated gently through the air, gentle winds pushing them north.
Rarity: My my my. That was almost descriptive language.
The ponies were outside now, and it was time to get funky. Pinke Pie turned on some music, but Vinyl Scratch said, "Fuck bitches, acquire bits,"
Vinyl: You know it!
and then stabbed Pinkie Pie thirty-seven times.
Vinyl: WHAT!?
Fallen: Interesting that Pinkie would be on the receiving end of stabs.
Pinkie didn't die. Pinkie can't die. Pinkie won't die. Pinkie is invincible. Be afraid.
Fallen: I’d buy it.
Scratch played some sweet ass music, and everypony was all dancing and shit.
AJ: How d’you even call that music, Vinyl?
Vinyl: HEY! Don’t diss the bass!
"Yo Applejack come dance," said Rainbow Dash, but really what she meant to say was "Let's get it on, I'm a lesbian because of my voice and tomboyish personality."
AJ: Uh... no offense to you, Rainbow, but ah don’t-
Fallen: Ignore it, it’s just bad fiction.
In reality, neither of those things have anything to contribute to homosexuality, and assuming Rainbow is a lesbian is just dumb. But Rainbow Dash gets shipped with everything so it doesn't matter.
Rarity: What sort of logic is that?
Vinyl: Flawless.
Applejack came to dance, and she was good. So good in fact, that the god of dancing descended from the sky and challenged her to a dance-off. They danced for twelve days straight. Applejack died of starvation, the god died because dancing.
Vinyl: Please dance responsibly.
Then all the ponies decided to bury Applejack's body, but Applejack wasn't really dead. She just faked it because muffins.
Derpy: Alright, I KNOW there are muffins around here somewhere!
Fallen: How are you getting in here!?
The ponies all went to Twilight's library and played monopoly. Seventeen hours later, the game was two sixteenths of the way done.
Fallen: Yeah, that sounds like a typical game of Monopoly.
Twilight had four hotels, but Rainbow Dash was gaining.
"Fuck dis shit." Pinkie Pie ate the game. She was losing.
Fallen: No, that’s still normal for Monopoly.
Now it's Sunday. The ponies decide to go on an adventure. They go on an adventure for a really long-ass time, and it takes forever. When they reach the end of the adventure, they defeat a really bad guy and win. Then they go home.
AJ: Every day ah wake up, do stuff, and go to sleep.
Now whenever they watch an action movie they experience deja vu.
Fallen: Except we all know deja vu is a glitch in the Matrix.
AJ: Kinda lost me there, sugarcube.
Fallen: It happens.
"Let's climb a mountain," said Twilight. The ponies didn't agree but they did it anyway.
Vinyl: Is that normal for you guys?
Rarity: Minus the unwillingness, more or less.
When they got to the top of the mountain there were aliens there so they destroyed them all with gigantic blocks. Waffles. Waffles everywhere. Because waffles.
Rarity: Suddenly I’ve developed a craving for pancakes.
Two days later Pinkie Pie was pooping monopoly shit all over the place. It was nasty so nopony went near her for a couple days.
AJ: Ah don’t think it’d be that big a deal unless she were doin’ that all over the place.
She went crazy and got a pile of rocks for friends. I cried a lot because that pile of rocks was my only friend and Pinkie stole it from me, but after two days I got him back. It's all good.
Fallen: That’s kind of sad. And not in the sense it’s going for.
The ponies all decided to eat lunch. The lunch was delicious. It costed five bits.
Rarity: A vital bit of information.
They all enjoyed the good time and went home with a smile. Then for the rest of the day, they all did they're normal activities.
Vinyl: That sounds lame. Where are the nightclubs and raves? Live a little, ponies!
The next day they did the same exact thing. But this time it costed six bits. Applejack was outraged so she ate the waiter. He was delicious. Tasted like pony.
Fallen: I wonder why that could have been.
AJ: Ah WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh yeah, that too.
The Cutie Mark Crusaders actually go crusading, but fail. Then Scootaloo thinks that the sky is falling but Sweetie Belle tells her that it's just her imagination.
Vinyl: That’s just what falling up looks like.
Turns out the sky was actually falling. Applebloom came over to her friends as the sky fell down and said, "I love apples." Then the sky went back up and stopped falling. Shit was crazy.
Fallen: Understatement of the century.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Alright, what should we do today?" Twilight looked at her companions. Each one returned the stare, there wasn't much to do today. They had done basically all there was to do around Ponyville. Except...
Vinyl: Orgy?
Rarity: How could you suggest such a thing!?
The ponies giggled as they trotted through the town. Soon enough they reached their destination.
Fallen: The gates of Tartarus?
AJ: Not for all the farmland in Equestria.
They all walked inside. With a smile to each other they nodded, and then stared at the store manager.
Then they just destroyed everything.
Fallen: Of course. Because what else are you going to do?
Vinyl: I know, right?
Fallen: Why are you here? Why are you alive?
The End.
Rarity: ...seriously?
Just kidding the story isn't finished yet.
Rarity: Drat.
The ponies got together for their nightly game of scrabble. Twilight was the best at the game because she knew a lot of words.
Fallen: Well, obviously.
Applejack wasn't good at the game because all she could spell was apple.
AJ: That’s it! Ah’m gonna hogtie this scumbag and roast him alive!
Fallen: Applejack, stop! That’s not the way to go about it!
AJ: Then what do YOU suggest, huh!?
Fallen: Castration with a rusty sawblade. That solves basically everything.
AJ: ...ah’ll think about it.
Pinkie Pie is illiterate and Rainbow Dash can't spell. Fluttershy didn't come to scrabble nights because she knew that after the game of scrabble they'd all go up to Twilight's bedroom and
Vinyl: Orgy?
do things that aren't sexual.
Vinyl: What in Celestia’s name are you doing with your lives!?
The next day Twilight wrote a letter to Princess Celestia. It said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Fallen: “Can I just go ONE story without writing you a letter?”
Today I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that aldksjglkdhasldkf
Rarity: I expected her to be more intelligible than that.
I love Rainbow Dash. I want to worship her. If I could touch her I'd orgasm twelve times and then I'd give her my undying affection and love. Then I'd be her personal slave. You should make her a wonderbolt. Kthanksbye.
Fallen: Seems legit.
Rainbow Dash had come into the library, knocked Twilight out cold, and wrote the end of the letter. Then she had spike send it while Twilight was lying limp in the closet.
AJ: Wouldn’t Spike notice somethin’ was up?
Rarity: Now that the princess has assigned us all the friendship reports, I find that somewhat less likely, but still, he almost certainly would.
Princess Celestia got the letter and laughed.
"Haha I hate Rainbow Dash."
Vinyl: When you’re on Celestia’s bad side, you KNOW you bucked up.
Then she shot an arrow at a bulls-eye with Rainbow Dashes face on it. Two minutes later she was worshiping Rainbow Dash because she's fucking boss.
Fallen: And instant 180 of opinion.
The next day it rained.
Twilight said, "I hate rain."
AJ: What’s wrong with rain? Ah need it for my crops to grow!
The end.
Rarity: For real this time?
Fallen: Yes, this is the legitimate end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A/N: LOL AM I FUNNY PLEEZ GIV FEEDBACK BUT NO BAD ONES PLZZZZ TANKX BIE
Fallen: Too late, fuckdick.
AJ: Are we done here? Please say we’re done here.
Fallen: Yes, Applejack, we’re done here.
Fallen: You know... I’m noticing a pattern here.
Rarity: Whatever could you mean?
Fallen: Every story Pinkie’s sat me through... it’s all been parody and nonsense.
AJ: Maybe that’s just yer wheelhouse. The riffin’ you’re best at.
Fallen: Okay, I can’t argue with that. But just once, can’t I get something halfway coherent? Something that actually tries to be a story?
Pinkie: (from TV) I’ll see what I can do, Primey. Why didn’t you tell me sooner that you felt that way? I just thought, since 29P was so much fun...
Fallen: No, it’s not your fault. And this is still entertaining in its own twisted way-
Rarity: You ENJOY this!?
Fallen: Hush, Rarity, the big kids are talking. But it would be nice to have a story that fails to be a story by merit of TRYING to be a story.
Dash: (from TV) Oh, we’re LOADED with those. And I’m holding you to that, so don’t try to take it back.
Fallen: Fine. So, everypony, how did we enjoy the story?
Rarity: Dreadful.
AJ: Ah can’t feel my ideas.
Vinyl: This gets the official DJ P0N-3 Seal of Approval!
Fallen: Just about what I- wait, what?
Vinyl: Really! That was just so out-there it was badass!
Fallen: Reveling in the chaos of the unstory? I can understand that, I suppose. Somehow.
Rarity: An unstory was all this was. It simply cannot be referred to as a proper narrative by any stretch of the word.
AJ: Really, ah think my brains are tryin’ to leak outta my skull.
Rarity: Oh, pony up, dear Applejack. You get used to that feeling.
Fallen: God, do you ever. Oh, and Vinyl?
Vinyl: Yeah?
Fallen: For all the crap I gave you during the riff... you’re alright.
Vinyl: Thanks, man. Welp, I suppose I’ll be going. Got a show to play in Manehattan.
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Pinkie: There you go. See you there, Scratchie!
Dash: I’ll just get the button, I guess.
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Rarity: Whatever could you mean?
Fallen: Every story Pinkie’s sat me through... it’s all been parody and nonsense.
AJ: Maybe that’s just yer wheelhouse. The riffin’ you’re best at.
Fallen: Okay, I can’t argue with that. But just once, can’t I get something halfway coherent? Something that actually tries to be a story?
Pinkie: (from TV) I’ll see what I can do, Primey. Why didn’t you tell me sooner that you felt that way? I just thought, since 29P was so much fun...
Fallen: No, it’s not your fault. And this is still entertaining in its own twisted way-
Rarity: You ENJOY this!?
Fallen: Hush, Rarity, the big kids are talking. But it would be nice to have a story that fails to be a story by merit of TRYING to be a story.
Dash: (from TV) Oh, we’re LOADED with those. And I’m holding you to that, so don’t try to take it back.
Fallen: Fine. So, everypony, how did we enjoy the story?
Rarity: Dreadful.
AJ: Ah can’t feel my ideas.
Vinyl: This gets the official DJ P0N-3 Seal of Approval!
Fallen: Just about what I- wait, what?
Vinyl: Really! That was just so out-there it was badass!
Fallen: Reveling in the chaos of the unstory? I can understand that, I suppose. Somehow.
Rarity: An unstory was all this was. It simply cannot be referred to as a proper narrative by any stretch of the word.
AJ: Really, ah think my brains are tryin’ to leak outta my skull.
Rarity: Oh, pony up, dear Applejack. You get used to that feeling.
Fallen: God, do you ever. Oh, and Vinyl?
Vinyl: Yeah?
Fallen: For all the crap I gave you during the riff... you’re alright.
Vinyl: Thanks, man. Welp, I suppose I’ll be going. Got a show to play in Manehattan.
(The armory doors unlock and open.)
Pinkie: There you go. See you there, Scratchie!
Dash: I’ll just get the button, I guess.
(Dash pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
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