Mystery Equestria Theater 3000
~Episode 1: Griffy's Journey (Part 1)~
<- Intro
*Satellite*
[The Mane Six appear on the bridge in a flash of purple light, and also in the middle of the air. They wind up in a multicolored pony pile on the console.]
Applejack: ... Whose horn is in my flank?
Rarity: Mine! I think...
Rainbow Dash: How is my wing there? ... Wait, that’s Fluttershy’s.
Fluttershy: Sorry...
Pinkie Pie: Huh, my tail does taste like cotton candy...
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, everypony hold on for a second...
[Twilight magically lifts the entire pile off the console, separates her and her friends from each other, and then sets them down behind it. With them no longer a mass of pony, they start to take in where they’re at. Except Pinkie, who spots something offscreen and wanders off to get a better look.]
Rarity: Fluttershy? You didn’t redecorate with a neo-factory kick in mind, did you?
Fluttershy: No. Besides, Angel still hasn’t gotten the permits yet.
Applejack: So where are we then?
[Applejack eyes the huge steel door with a crescent moon on it worryingly.]
Applejack: I don’t know of anyplace in Ponyville like this.
Pinkie Pie: (offscreen) Oh, I know where we’re at.
[The camera pulls back to see Pinkie standing in front of a huge window.]
Pinkie Pie: We’re in SPACE!
[The rest stand there for a second while this fact in processed.]
Rest: We’re WHERE?!?
[The rest then rush to the window, effectively smushing Pinkie against it. Beyond it one can see a field of stars and, more importantly, Equestria slowly turning far below.]
Rainbow Dash: ... This is AWESOME!
Applejack: Sugarcube, this is anything BUT awesome. Okay Twilight, how in the hay did you get us up here?
Twilight Sparkle: I-I-I shouldn’t... I couldn’t. I CAN’T! This level of magic requires insane amounts of energy! You need either a dozen top rate unicorns or either one of the princesses just to cast it.
Unknown voice: Or a talisman for direct teleportation.
Twilight Sparkle: Or tha... Who said that?
[The view from the window disappears and is replaced with a very familiar looking mare wearing an odd neon green vest.]
All: Nightmare Moon?!?
Rarity: How did Luna turn back?
Nightmare Moon: Trust me, I’m not the princess but I’m still Nightmare Moon.
[The Mane Six share a look of confusion.]
Nightmare Moon: *sigh* Let me explain...
*The Lab*
[Nightmare Moon starts strolling through The Lab, which seems to be your standard hidden away evil laboratory. Various devices, whether mechanical, electronic or magical in nature seem to be performing whatever they were designed to do.]
Nightmare Moon: You see girls; I’m something almost like a parasite. I feed off of emotions while boosting the power of my host. With Luna it was her hatred for the ponies that slept during the night and her jealousy for her sister for being praised for the day that I was able to join with the princess and... well, you know the rest.
[Nightmare Moon stops, a sneer now on her face.]
Nightmare Moon: But if it wasn’t for the Elements of Harmony, both from Celestia banishing us to the moon and then you six splitting me and Luna apart, I’d still have my alicorn meal ticket. Instead I was bouncing around different planes of reality thanks to you!
[Nightmare Moon is seething at this point, but a few deep breaths and she regains her composure.]
Nightmare Moon: But every cloud has a silver lining, because in one of those dimensions I came across an idea was simply delightfully
evil. And to make it happen, all I had to do was wait until I got back to Equestria proper, and when I did I came across a pony that not only so disheartened by her predicament, but wanted revenge against you all too! ... Well mainly Twilight, but we agreed the rest could go for the ride too.
[Snips and Snails go bouncing through the background. Nightmare Moon doesn’t even turn around.]
Nightmare Moon: And you’re not the only ones who deserve a little payback. So one friendly little merge later and I’m baaaaaaack.
*Satellite*
Twilight Sparkle: Like it’s going to last. I’ll just...
Nightmare Moon: “Backtrack through the talisman?” Don’t even bother. I had it specially designed to self destruct after it activated. Can’t follow the road back home when the road no longer exists.
Rainbow Dash: Screw it then, I’ll just fly back down to Equestria and...
[Nightmare Moon just smiles.]
Nightmare Moon: Oh, you tell her! I want to see the reaction.
Twilight Sparkle: ... *sigh* Space is a vacuum. I doubt we’ve have any space suits in here, so you’ll die from oxygen deprivation in fifteen seconds.
[Rainbow Dash opens her mouth to say something, but Twilight puts a hoof up.]
Twilight Sparkle: Don’t try to hold your breath. Explosive decompression of the lungs. And even if you make it down to the atmosphere, you’ll most likely burn up upon reentry... Unless you come in too shallow, in which case you’ll just wind up going back into space.
Rainbow Dash: ... You know, it was a stupid plan anyway.
Fluttershy: So what do you want with us? And in space?
Nightmare Moon: Simple: You are now a controlled experiment. The door that’s behind you leads to a theater. There you’ll all be subjected to bad movies, fics, whatever I want. I will use this to eventually break your spirits and minds. As for the whole space thing... If I left you down on the planet there’s the chance of someone interfering, possible contamination, or you escaping. And I can’t have that, now can I?
Applejack: And if we refuse go into the theater?
Nightmare Moon: I blow every airlock on the ship. I mean I’ll give you enough warning to get your flanks into the theater, but the ultimate choice is that or death.
[The Mane Six all grumble out a begrudging agreement.]
Nightmare Moon: Good! And just so you know, the experiment begins... right now! I have a nice little fic called Griffy’s Journey. It stars you six. Sort of. Boys? Send it up.
[As the feed goes out the klaxon start going off.]
Twilight Sparkle: Looks like we don’t have much of a choice.
Pinkie: Wait! There’s one thing that needs to be done.
Rarity: What is it Pinkie?
[Pinkie jumps up, her front hooves in the air.]
Pinkie Pie: ... We got fanfic sign!
(Door 7: The heavy steel door with the Nightmare Moon logo on it. It wheels to one side.)
(Door 6: The top of a cardboard box. It pops open easily.)
(Door 5: Clouds. They part like a curtain.)
(Door 4: Tom the Boulder! Rarity quickly shoves him out of the way.)
(Door 3: Princess Celestia’s locker. A replica of her horn is inserted into the hole, and it opens with a slightly noticeable moan.)
(Door 2: The Ponyville Library door. First only the top opens, then closes. The bottom then follows suit. Then it swings the wrong way. Finally, it opens the right way.)
(Door 1: The safe. It unlocks and swings open.)
[Seated from left to right: Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.]
> Griffy's Journey
Rarity: Into madness.
> By Wesdaaman
Pinkie Pie: Who's daaman? You daaman!
>
>C1: My Quest Begins
Rainbow Dash: You will now be forced to learn the controls, half of which you'll never use.
>
> It was a regular sunny Saturday in Ponyville at about 3:00 PM,
Applejack: Me and my partner were starting our day in the Homicide division at central. My name’s Friday, I carry a badge.
> the small Birds were chirping, the Cattle were grazing, the Insects
> were buzzing and humming, the burrowing Mammals were foraging
Twilight Sparkle: Dogs were barking, cats were meowing, Spider-colt was counting all the bucks he was giving...
> and the Ponies were all doing their daily duties. The male Ponies
> kept on working hard on hauling wagons of any kind of vegetable
Fluttershy: [manly] Hey Tree Kicker.
Applejack: [same] Hey Ditch Digger. What'cha doin'?
Fluttershy: Hauling Veggies. You?
Applejack: Same. Would be nice to do our jobs though.
Fluttershy: Yep.
> and the female Ponies were doing similar stuff, though it was not
> as hard.
Rainbow Dash: Barehoofed and in the kitchen. Just hows I likes 'em.
Twilight Sparkle: In a matrifocal based society where the female population outweighs males four to one... Yeah, how about NO.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Ah believe that fence will keep the critters out.
>
> The Cutie Mark Crusaders were just pondering in the town park,
Pinkie Pie: What, are they lab rats now?
> trying to figure out what they could try next to earn their Cutie
> Marks.
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] We could be Cutie Mark Crusaders Cutie Mark Crusaders! ... Wait.
>
> "We could try chasing Birds", suggested Scootaloo.
>
> "Are you kidding?" asked Sweetie Belle, "What would a Cutie Mark
> of that even look like?"
Fluttershy: ... Like a bird?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe it's hard to visualize, like what the cutie mark for arguing would be.
Pinkie Pie: That would look like 4-chan.
>
> "Maybe we could ask our funny friend", said Apple Bloom, "And that
> funny friend is over there, rahght now!"
Rarity: Gah, even AJ's drawl isn't that bad.
Applejack: Now Ah'm as sure as stink on a pole cat in a garbage heap that my drawl ain't a'tall bad. Why my granny was just jabberin' on abo~ *Rarity covers Applejack's mouth with her hoof.*
Rarity: Please stop.
>
> Just as Apple Bloom pointed out, an odd-looking quadruped was
> walking into the park.
Rarity: Something walking on all fours? It's neither pony nor beast!
> It was a Griffin with its feathers all brown, a longer beak than
> Gilda, Kangaroo-like ears, an eye color of light blue and also had
> rather small size; being smaller than an adult Pony but larger
> than Spike, the young Dragon, if he was on all four feet.
Pinkie Pie: Somewhere Stephen Ratliff is sneezing.
> The Griffin then halted as soon as he spotted a Mouse scurrying
> by. He then got into a stalking position as he followed it into
> the bushes.
Rainbow Dash: [griffin] Damn this ADD. Okay, cut through the park, go to the store and get a gallon of milk, a loaf of mouse mouse mouse chase the mouse.
>
> "Hey!" shouted Scootaloo, "Useless Griffin!
Fluttershy: We would've come to that conclusion on own, but thanks for pointing that out anyway story.
> We need some help here!
>
> The Griffin stopped and glared at the three foals.
Rarity: [griffin] Hmmm, they’re bigger than the mouse.
>
> "I have a name, you know Scoot?",
Twilight Sparkle: [Scootaloo] Hi Useless Griffin Scoot!
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] How do you know my name?
Applejack: [Griffin] Let's not worry too much about that. Oh, and I have to inform you that I may be on a certain list too...
> said the Griffin with a mature male voice with a pseudo-Maine
> accent
Pinkie Pie: [accented] That was a wicked pissah of a Patriots game Sunday, but I should've never went to the packie afterwards. I still got a wicked banger.
> (if he were a Human, he'd be like 18 or 19), "You are fully aware
> that it's Griffy, short for Griffalonius Von Masterton III, and my
> species name is not "Useless Griffin", no, it's Pygmy Griffin.
Rainbow Dash: Ohhh, I feel a Griffinsplain coming up.
Twilight Sparkle: *Looking in a book* Pygmy Griffin. Synonyms: ...Useless Griffin.
> Now if you fillies would not mind, I am trying to catch a snack
> here"
Fluttershy: Once you pop...
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] There's a 7-11 right across the street.
Rarity: [Griffy] I'm broker than a college student right now, so hush.
>
> The three fillies just waited as they heard what sounded like a
> Lion roar mixed with an Eagle squawk and the sound of a panicking
> Mouse squeaking in fear.
Fluttershy: [Mouse] Help! Police! Damn you fillies for just standing there and watching!
> Once Griffy had emerged out of the bushes with the Mouse's dead
> body dangling from his beak, the Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped in
> both fear and amazement as he gulped it whole.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] Ewww.
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] Wooow.
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] Meh, Opal plays with it longer.
>
> "So anyways, Jamboha girls", said Griffy.
Pinkie Pie: And Mocha Latte to you too.
>
> "What does that mean?" asked Sweetie Belle, all confused at the
> word "jamboha".
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, she was confused at the whole speaking thing.
Applejack: [Sweetie Belle, dumbly] You make pretty sound with your food hole.
>
> "It means "hello" in Gabbagonian", responded Griffy, "Gabbagonian
> is the language from the range I originally come from, called
> Gabbagon"
>
> "What's Gabbagon?" asked Apple Bloom.
Pinkie Pie: The home of McCloppin.
>
> "It's an area from the EverFree Forest in which I originate from",
> responded Griffy, "It's larger than Ponyville and many different
> species of anything can live and befriend each other there"
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] So you play chess with hydras?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] No, they try to eat us.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] You romp with manticores?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] No, they try to shred us to bits.
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] How about the~
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Okay, you live everyday in fear of your life! But it's still bigger than your town.
>
> That's when the three foals got an idea on what to do next for
> fun, ask Griffy about his life before he came to live in Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash: Because nothing says fun like listening to someone drone on about their life.
Twilight Sparkle: It can be! Autobiographies can be a rich source of information to someone's life.
Rainbow Dash: And my statement still stands.
> They asked him and he agreed. He flew over to one of the park
> benches and sat on it, the Cutie Mark Crusaders sat in front of
> him on the ground and got eager listen.
[All ponies sit quietly for a minute]
Applejack: ......... So what's eager supposed to sound like?
Pinkie Pie: Don't know, but it's gonna get got.
>
> "Let us begin", said Griffy, "I have no clue why so many from
> outside of my native land call the place "unnatural" or "cursed",
Fluttershy: Insane wild critters?
Twilight Sparkle: Out of control magic?
Rainbow Dash: Unnatural weather patterns?
All: {deadpan} Why, pray tell, would anypony think it's unnatural or cursed?
> I find it absolutely normal.
Rarity: Sure, when you look in the mirror everything looks normal...
> I had always lived in the Trees ever since I was a chick-cub with my
> mother, father, older brother, twin sister and younger sister;
Applejack: [Griffy] My aunt, my uncle, his wife from a previous marriage, the mailmare, the hobo that lived under the elm...
> so I never really knew much about the forest floor; except for the times
> I had to go to the ground so I could go to school.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] What's this stuff on the ground?
Fluttershy: That's dirt.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Buckin' WOW man...
> I had, however, learned about many of the Creatures living down
> there, such as the annoying Gremlin that lived next-door, I mean
> next-Tree.
Twilight Sparkle: He built a conifer. A freakin' *conifer*.
> I've always liked to entertain others with comedy, so I guess
>that's my calling in life.
Rarity: He's on par with the likes of Jon Lovitz.
> I think that what showed me that comedy was my talent was a
> mysterious rainbow-like explosion thing, coming from miles away,
> outside of the EverFree Forest.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] At least I thought it was. We were eating 'shrooms of the forest floor all day and things got a little weird man.
> That rainbow thing inspired me to make several jokes, including
> jokes about the "boom" rainbow thing itself"
Pinkie Pie: Someone thinks Pinkie Pie is the best pony.
Twilight Sparkle: No, someone thinks Pinkie Pie's cutie mark origin is the best. Or the easiest to copy and play with.
>
> "A Sonic Rainboom perhaps?" suggested Scootaloo
>
> "Yes", replied Griffy, "It was Rainbow Dash's first Sonic
> Rainboom"
>
> "Alright!" said Scootaloo with joy, "I always knew she made things
> right!"
Twilight Sparkle: Save that time where her ego from being a hero ballooned out of proportions.
Fluttershy: Or when she turned finding a pet into a contest and got stuck under a rock.
Applejack: Or all the stunts she pulled in our Iron Pony competition.
Rainbow Dash: ... You know I'm sitting right here.
All: Yes, we know.
>
> "The area of the EverFree Forest I come from, is a beautiful area
> called Gabbagon, as you know, where any species can live and
> befriend each other",
Rarity: [Griffy] I'm telling you this again to drive home the fact that we're better than you.
> Griffy continued, "When I had reached my late sub-adulthood, which
> is the age I currently am now,
Twilight Sparkle: Sub-adulthood? Oh goddess, he's a tween.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy, voice cracking] I hate everything and my parents.
> I decided to live in the world beyond the EverFree Forest. You
> know, Equestria.
Twilight Sparkle: [Apple Bloom] Equestria? Oh, this whole time I was calling it home.
> I also understood that the rest of the world was being controlled by
> these quadrupedal, herbivorous, Hoofed Mammals called "Ponies" (other
> names include Steed and Horse). That would be your kind, derpy derp!"
Fluttershy: That’s right, bow to your gods. BOW!
Rainbow Dash: Oh yeah, a definite griffinsplain in full effect.
Pinkie Pie: Wait... did we just get insulted?
>
> "Yes?" said a familiar female voice from above the group's head.
> It was none other than Ditzy Doo (AKA Derpy Hooves).
>
> "Not you, Ms. Doo", said Griffy and with that, Ditzy just flew
> away,
Rarity: .... Wut?
Pinkie Pie: You do not call in the Derpy. She only comes when the time is right and of her own accord.
> "Now back to the story. I actually had two more reasons to leave
> my old home. The land itself was becoming too hostile for me to
> live in and another reason I had left was because I was
> practically banished.
Twilight Sparkle: So you chose to leave because you were being kicked out?
Applejack: [Gabbonian leader] We'll give you a choice: Leave or get out.
> The "banishment" involved 3 old school bullies who were being real
> jerks to me, even as being adults/sub-adults.
Rainbow Dash: *Nerds!*
Pinkie Pie: Purple nurples, wet willies, and super wedgies for everyone!
> Those jerks even told the shy girl Pygmy Griffin I always had a
> crush on a bunch of lies. I don't really know what they told her,
> but she looked very upset and depressed"
Twilight Sparkle: [griffin girl] I heard you write... crappy fanfiction.
Fluttershy: This is from a place where any species can live and befriend each other?
Rarity: Yes, save for the one they'll stone later on to ward away the evils of society.
>
> "That's sad", said Sweetie Belle.
>
> "Heart-breakin'", said Apple Bloom.
>
> "For once, I actually agree with you two on something like this",
> said Scootaloo, finally unleashing her more feminine side.
Fluttershy: Feelings: Only for girls.
>
> "So yeah", continued Griffy, "At first my journey for a new home
> in Equestria wasn't too bad, but trust me, it very lonesome and
> even a little dangerous.
Rainbow Dash: There were nukes, crazy mercs, and a mailmare trying to kill me.
> I thought to myself, What have I gotten myself into."
Twilight Sparkle: I'm getting the same feeling.
>
> The three fillies gave very wide-eyed expressions of amazement.
Fluttershy: Stupidity can amaze, if just for its staggering amounts.
>
> "Now close your eyes, so you can envision what I am going to say",
> continued Griffy,
Applejack: Why do I see the phrase 'Bad touch' coming into play?
> "And let me tell you the tale of my voyage for a new home"
Rarity: And how he became the prince of a town called Bel Air.
>
> To Be Continued
All: Yeah, freedom!
Nightmare Moon: (over the PA system) I said *multiple parts.* Sit your flanks back down!
All: Awwwwww...
> C2: In Pony Territory
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Why am I the only one getting this territory? It’s not slayer guys, c’mon!
>
> On my quest to find a new home, my first destination to a pony
> nation was Manehatten.
Applejack: I wonder if Griffy got the traditional Manehatten greeting?
Rarity: What’s that?
Applejack: A mugging.
> I had never seen so many tall structures in all my life. One of the
> enormous structures that truly impressed me was that of a giant green
Pinkie Pie: Ho ho ho.
> statue of a female Pony with a crown, a robe and a torch standing
> on a small island in the city's harbor.
Pinkie Pie: Oh.
>
> As I walked along the street, every now and then some rude Pony or
> two would yell at me for getting in the way.
Twilight Sparkle: Didn't help that he was walking in the middle of the street during rush hour.
>
> I was suddenly stopped by some weird acting male Unicorn Pony in
> the shadows of an ally. He had a green vest on, had a weird yellow
> color to his fur and also had sort of a goatee.
Fluttershy: Drug dealer?
Rarity: No, Soho.
> He also had an odd symbol on his flank that looked like a currency
> coin.
Rainbow Dash: He's a 1%er! Get him!
>
> "Hey, yous wants sumtin, eh?" he asked me with a sinister smirk.
>
> "Uuuuuhhh maybe", I said, trying to speak my best in Ponytalk, the
> Pony language.
>
> "Well check dis ting out", he said as he telekinized a strange
> looking container with his horn.
Rainbow Dash: ... How'd you get the season 1 DVD?
>
> He then convinced me to drink the substance in it, hoping for
> money in return.
Applejack: [Two-bit] Dammit! Money first, THEN product.
> It was the most revolting stuff I had ever swallowed in
> my life.
Rarity: (checking the label on the bottle) Jägerbomb. No wonder.
Applejack: [Two-bit] It's recycled beer.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] How'd you recyl... Oh god.
> That's when I started to get drowsy, and I suddenly started seeing
> these weird bubbles appear around me that started to take the
> shape of pink-colored Ponies with eye socket-like eyes.
Fluttershy: Department of Redundancy Department. How may we assist you in an assisting way?
>
> The pink Ponies then started to march all around me, shape
> shifting, color-changing and singing a really odd song of how they
> were on parade, freaking the hay out of me.*
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, that's why he ate the mouse. He was going to sue for copyright infringement!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Yep, fence is comin' along nicely, Mmmhmmm.
>
> When I finally woke up, the weird Unicorn Pony was gone,
Twilight Sparkle: And so was one of Griffy's kidneys.
> I decided that big cities are totally no place for me so I decided
> to leave, flying high above the buildings so nopony would bother
> and see me.
Rarity: {singing} I want fly like an eagle, to the sea...
Rainbow Dash: Welcome to Cloudsdale! Y'know, above everything and home of flying ponies.
> As I flew I noticed that one of the building's windows had some
> sort of activity.
Pinkie Pie: Trouble? Mare-Do-Well away!
> I swooped down toward the window, sat on the sill and looked in
> to see a male and female Earth Pony of somewhat yellow coloring
> and having symbols on their flanks, both that of Oranges, just
> chatting with each other about lunch plans.
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, he's still tripping balls from the stuff earlier.
>
> "Excuse me", I asked them,
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Peeping tom! Can I watch?
> "But can I live here for a while? Since I clearly have no place to
> go? By the way, what are your names?"
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I can walk myself!
Rarity: He's a nice home intruder. Likes to know the people whose stuff he's stealing.
>
> "You may call us Mr. and Mrs. Orange", said the stallion, "And
> should we give this small brown Griffin a home, dear?"
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, let's give a complete stranger that we know nothing about room and board! Does this seem wrong to anypony else?
Rest: (sarcastically) Nope.
>
> "He could probably find it on his own", said the mare.
Rarity: But paying those Mahehatten rates? Forget it.
>
> "Oh viingizui", I said out loud to myself, "I tried"
>
> "Now that is not how a Manehattener speaks!" snapped Mrs. Orange,
> "No living thing stays around this here apartment without speaking
> like a city Pony!"
Twilight Sparkle: What does a Manehatterner sound like?
Applejack: Like this. [stereotypical Manehattener] Hey, me and my paesan Fluttershy, we were gonna hop in her EROC-Z, hit up da gym, and go to da club later on.
Fluttershy: [ditto] I don't know. I was gonna work on my tan and I gots tickets to da Yankees game.
>
> "Now that was just an exclamation", I said nervously, "It's just a
> phrase in my native language, Gabbagonian. And also, I'm not a
> Pony as you can clearly see"
Rainbow Dash: Now a paragraph and half explanation on why and how he's different.
>
> "Now honey", said Mr. Orange to Mrs. Orange, "Do you have to act
> so harshly to those who don't speak like us?"
Rarity: [Mr. Orange] That fact he looks different is enough to work with.
>
> "Do you two want to know where I'm from or not?" I complained.
Pinkie Pie: [Mr. Orange] No, I do the 'splaining around here!
>
> "Fine", Mr. and Mrs. Orange said.
>
> "Gabbagon, the area I'm specifically from, is in the EverFree
> Forest", I said to them.
>
> Mrs. Orange screamed in terror and Mr. Orange tried to call out
> their door for help from their neighbors and Animal Control.
Twilight Sparkle: [random neighbor] Crap, are the Oranges "roleplaying" again?
Fluttershy: [other neighbor] Enh, as soon as he remembers the safeword it'll stop.
>
> "That's it", I said in frustration to the two of them, "You aren't
> going to see my face again"
Rainbow Dash: And thus the town was saved.
Rest: (deadpan) Yea.
>
> Thus, I flew out the window and departed Manehatten.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Apple Bloom.
>
> "What?" said Griffy, finding that his story had just been
> interrupted.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] You nearly committed breaking & entering and you're complaining about being stopped?
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Quiet you with your "logic."
>
> "Those two Ponies you met in that apartment sound like my Aunt and
> Uncle Orange", continued Apple Bloom.
>
> "And what charming people your aunt and uncle are", said Griffy
> sarcastically,
Rarity: God damned them for not letting a complete stranger into their home!
> "Now back to the story"
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Many more miles to the southwest, I was trekking through a dry
> canyon which emerged into a great desert of sandy dunes.
Twilight Sparkle: The spice must flow.
> The dryness was getting to me.
>
> I suddenly spotted a small pool of water up ahead. I rushed over
> and almost drank it dry.
Rainbow Dash: Actually, it's a mirage. And we've replaced the water with camel pee. Let's see if he notices...
> Just when I was done, I looked up to see a Jackal staring at me
> with a belt around its waist with a sword being held in that belt
> for safe keeping. The Jackal then spoke to me, but it was in some
> sort of foreign language I could not decipher at all.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] What is 'LULZ?'
>
> "Ay-ra dudla dosa", he said to me.
>
> I made a confused look, hoping he's realize that I could not
> understand his language.
Applejack: [Griffy] I'm Gabbagonian and we only speaking Gabbagonian around here!
> Luckily, he got the message and tried telling me what he was
> saying by writing a symbol in the ground.
Pinkie Pie: ¬_¬
Twilight Sparkle: How in the hay... Never mind, filing it under 'Because it's Pinkie.'
> The image he drew was what looked like a Jackal skull with X-
> across bones and an arrow pointing to the north.
Rainbow Dash: Arrr, there be pirates!
> I turned my head northwards and saw what he Jackal was trying to
> tell me, he was trying to warn me about being killed. A sandstorm
> approaching from the north,
All: DEEP HURTING. DEEP HURTING.
> I flew as fast as I could till I finally found refuge in an old ruined
> city.
Rarity: 'Welcome to Pompeii.' Meh, seems safe enough.
> I took refuge within the great ancient structures and waited for
> the sandstorm to pass.
Twilight Sparkle: Any moon men here? No? Good.
>
> When the sandstorm finally passed, it was already dark, at like
> 8:00 PM.
Applejack: Save it was the middle of summer.
> As I started to debate whether I should live in this ancient city
> or not, I spotted something that chilled my blood.
Pinkie Pie: They're out of Fanta.
> Coming from outside were the shadows of what looked like giant
> Wolves passing by, I knew I was in terrible danger.
Fluttershy: They work for Amway.
>
> I climbed/flew up to the structure's highest window to get a
> better view on how to escape.
Rainbow Dash: Jump! Jump! Jump!
> Down on the ground, I saw the Creatures, Fenirs, large Wolves
> almost the size of elephants with almost Cetacean-like intelligence.
Twilight Sparkle: So they have a level of intelligence that could rival our own?
Fluttershy: No, the only things they do are jump playfully out of water and get caught in tuna nets.
>
> I wondered to myself about how I was going to get out of here.
Rarity: Oh, I don’t know... How about fly?
> That's when I started to have a flashback to when I was a
> chick-cub, learning how to fly:
Rainbow Dash: The bandits were coming in a six o'clock high. My copilot was dead, I was running out of fuel, and I was willing to do anything to survive.
>
> I had fallen out of my Tree early one morning, for I was
> attempting to fly on my own.
Rarity: Actually, his parents booted him out the door while his back was turned.
Applejack: [Griffy's dad] Time to fly son!
>I had found myself outside of Gabbagon for the first in my life. I
> was then suddenly being chased by a Forest Dragon. Now Forest
> Dragons can't fly, but they their Serpentine bodies allow them to
> maneuver through the undergrowth very smoothly.
Rarity: Much like most candidates running for office.
> I had finally escaped by jumping off the edge of a cliff, spread
> my wings and finally gained the ability to fly and so I flew back
> home to Gabbagon to show my family my progress.
Applejack: [Griffy's dad] Dammit, didn't work. I mean I so proud, son!
>
> The situation this time, however, was a little different, for I
> was not being chased at the current time, so I then knew that then
> was a good time to get out of there, all I had to do was fly
> (duh) and thus none of the Fenir Wolves seemed to notice me.
Twilight Sparkle: [wolf] Hey, there's a griffin flying over there!
Fluttershy: [another wolf] ... Dude, do you want us to help find your contact or not?
>
> "The deserts are totally no place for a Pygmy Griffin", I said to
> myself.
>
> I knew my true home should be somewhere, but where?
Rarity: I have several suggestions!
Twilight Sparkle: How many of them are pleasant?
Rarity: ... I have no suggestions!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The next day, I was back on the green fields and discovered
> another knew Pony city to possibly call home, Fillydelphia.
All: {singing} Oh brother are you gonna leave me wastin' away on the streets of Fillydelphia.
>
> I picked up some lose money while on the streets and I put it to
> good use, spending part of it on Banana fries and Mushroom pie
> (well since my kind is omnivorous, I needed to get some meat as
> well so I stopped by the park and ate a few Doves and Trout).
Fluttershy: You know, I'm starting to doubt people don't like Griffy because he's from Everfree. I'm thinking it's because he's EATING THE PARK'S ANIMALS IN THE PARK.
Applejack: Easy there Flutterrage.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Maybe we should put some barbed wire on that fence.
>
> I decided that I should probably get a map of Equestria so I could
> tell where had been and stuff.
Rainbow Dash: He has problems remembering times when he wasn't awesome.
> I went to the map store and met the stallion Pegasus Pony who
> owned the place; he was already reading some sort of textbook when
> I first saw him.
Twilight Sparkle: 'Map Making for Dummies'
Pinkie Pie: [MapQuest] This is only temporary until I pay off my student loans.
> He was all brown, had a bluish purple vest on and symbol of a map
> on his flank.
Rarity: It's a red dot that says "I am here."
>
> "Pardon me sir..." I said, "...But do you have the time to give me
> like a to-go map of the world?"
Twilight Sparkle: [MapQuest] How about an atlas?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] No, I just need a map.
Twilight Sparkle: [MapQuest] ......
>
> "Sure thing", said the owner, as he went over to the biggest map
> in the store.
Rainbow Dash: Wait, that's a map of Hyrule.
>
> "First of all..." he said to me, "...where are you from originally?"
Rarity: Why does he want to know where he's been?
Pinkie Pie: It's MapQuest. He ALWAYS asks that.
>
> I decided to call the EverFree Forest one of its other official
> names so he wouldn't (hypothetically speaking) freak out at me.
Rainbow Dash: The home of the world's largest sauerkraut plant.
Fluttershy: The Miami of Canada.
Applejack: City of Flour and Sawdust.
>
> "The WonderWood",
Twilight Sparkle: And all the roads we have to walk are winding...
Pinkie Pie: And all the lights that lead us there are blinding...
Both: There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how!
> I replied, hoping he wouldn't catch on and freak out.
>
> The Horse took one good look at the giant map, turned back around
> to face me and said, "It doesn't exist".
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Okay... 1060 West Addison.
Rarity: [Mapquest] .........
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] .... Narnia?
Rarity: [MapQuest] .........
>
> I was shocked, "But it's where I'm from!" I exclaimed. That's when
> I decided to tell him its top official name.
Applejack: The former home of the world's biggest wiener.
>
> "The EverFree Forest", I said.
>
> A very terrified expression came across his face as he looked at
> me. He quickly ran outside and was panicking and yelling out to
> the crowd that a "deadly Animal" from the EverFree Forest was
> "invading".
Rarity: I think it's called "liberating" now.
>
> "Everypony panic!"
Pinkie Pie: Okay! (Pinkie proceeds to run around the theater in a "panic", until Twilight Sparkle magically grabs her by the tail.)
Twilight Sparkle: Sit.
Pinkie Pie: (Goes back to her seat) Aw...
> he cried out in horror, "A savage from the EverFree Forest is
> trying to take over our city! That deadly Animal is already
> invading my store!"
Applejack: He wants to *buy things!* The horror!
>
> I sensed trouble and quickly made my escape through the window and
> out of the city itself.
Pinkie Pie: Supermare away!
>
> To Be Continued
>
> * A reference to "Pink Elephants on Parade" from Disney's Dumbo.
Applejack: Because everypony was worried about that elephant in the room.
>
> NOTE: That thing the Jackal said is the Arabic word for "Beware"
>
> C3: Temporary Pals
Rainbow Dash: You only get them for this mission. A DLC will unlock them later.
>
> It was already sunset and my wings were all worn out so I was
> walking, but however, I was walking in a very sad fashion.
Fluttershy: He has the "Can't find a place for his awesomeness" blues.
> Not only could I not find a place to call home, but I was also
> terribly lonesome. I couldn't seem to find a friend anywhere so I
> was all saggy and blue.
Twilight Sparkle: Man, I hate it when they palette swap Mary Sues.
>
> I began to sing out my sorrow as I walked up the tall mountain:
Rarity: Well, if you're going to stroke your ego.
Rainbow Dash: Go big or go home. And since he's not going home...
>
> There are times when your life is shattering and you then get lost
> When your colors start to fade away and you turn blue, oh what a
> cost
Rainbow Dash: You pay to be the boss.
> You're desperately searching for a place that you can call "home"
> And you also search for friends of any kind so you're not alone
> to rome Can somebody tell where I am?
Applejack: No, because you freaked out the guy selling you maps.
> Will I ever find a friend or two?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] That I won't want to eat?
> Will I ever find a place that accepts any species to live there?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe someplace that any species can befriend each other? Is not like you just came from someplace like that.
> Can somebody be my pal?
Pinkie Pie: Page 189.
> Where I will find such a place and Being?
Pinkie Pie: Page 37.
> I have no clue Will I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart?
Pinkie Pie: Page 98. All this and more in Dianetics.
> So I must prepare There have been times when my soul was filled
> with great doubt For one thing; Gabbagon, my home area, almost
> kicked me out
Rarity: So to keep the satisfaction from them, he left!
> But in the end, I will hopefully find the one place I truelly
> belong and should never go "Never judge a book by its cover and
> background",
Applejack: Why do I feel like this is one lesson somepony didn’t learn?
> is what this place should know Can somebody tell where I am?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Maybe if I went to a map store... oh, wait. Dammit.
> Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a place that
> accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my pal? Where I
> will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will I ever feel
> happiness bloom inside my heart?
Twilight Sparkle: All these questions will be answered in the exciting conclusion, next week! Same Batpony time, same Batpony channel!
> So I must prepare (In Gabbagonian language):Can somebody tell
> where I am? Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a
> place that accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my
> pal? Where I will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will
> I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart?
Twilight Sparkle: All these questions will... Wait, did we just go through a time vortex?
Rarity: Something so nice it gets said twice.
Applejack: So why does this get repeated?
Rarity: ... I don't know.
> So I must prepare (In Gabbagonian language):Can somebody tell
> where I am? Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a
> place that accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my
> pal? Where I will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will
> I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart? So I must prepare
Rarity: And let's do it a third time to drive it home!
Fluttershy: I'm sure this won't be on my iHoof.
>
> I then happened to notice a town called Hoofington, just down the
> mountain I had climbed up.
Fluttershy: Soon... Soon... Mwhahahahaha!
Applejack: Looks like Sheboygan, smells like Milwaukee.
> I didn't even bother to go down there because I was expecting the
> same thing Fillydelphia did to me, treat me, an Animal from the
> EverFree Forest, like a Monster.
Twilight Sparkle: From what I hear, the most danger comes from the crazy-ass, drunk security mare running around near there.
> I just sat on the cliff I was currently on, staring at the sunset
> and Hoofington sadness.
Pinkie Pie: The town mourns as a whole whenever someone hits a pothole.
>
> From nearby, a mother Marmot and her babies were out foraging for
> food. One of the babies noticed me lying down with my sad eyes
> staring out at the landscape below the mountain.
Fluttershy: [Marmot] Hey, easy pickin's!
> It tried offering me a piece of Lichen to eat, but I did not
> respond.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, someone's trying to be your friend and... nothing from you?
Rarity: Irony: You're soaking in it.
> For you see, I was mostly missing my old home and family; knowing
> I could never return.
Pinkie Pie: The late fees at the library were enormous.
> I was also sad about having no home at all and no friends
> at all either, so I sort of did not notice my own hunger and
> thirst.
Fluttershy: And thus, Griffy died. The end.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Hmmm, maybe we should put a gate in that fen~
Rainbow Dash: Will you stop it with the fence?
>
> That's when I smelt something delicious, coming from down the
> other side of the mountain.
Applejack: Now it smells like Sheboygan!
> I flew down that opposite side to find where that delicious aroma
> was coming from, only to crash-land into some dense Trees lining
> the mountain's base.
Pinkie Pie: *Whoop whoop* Pull up. Impact imminent. *whoop whoop*
Rainbow Dash: See, that's what you get when you fly under instruments only.
>
> That's when I spotted where the smell was coming from. I looked
> down the Tree I was in and there it was.
Twilight Sparkle: A Starbucks. Those things ARE everywhere.
> Sitting there, around a campfire, were a green-colored male
> Unicorn Pony and a gray-colored male Earth Pony, roasting Potatoes
> on long sticks.
Applejack: They already boiled, mashed, and stuck them in a stew.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fluttershy: Caterpillar!
>
> I swooped down there, introduced myself as well as find out the
> Ponies' names. The Unicorn Pony was named Digger (smart, but not
> that strong) and the Earth Pony was named Chop (an idiot, but
> strong).
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy, low tone] Helloooo...
Rarity: [Digger, higher] Hellooooooo...
Pinkie Pie: [Chop, even higher] Helloooooooooo...
All three: [together] Hello!
Pinkie Pie: Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
>
> "So Griffy", said Chop, "Are you here to tell us that we need
> hobbies?"
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] No, but can I tell you of the awesomeness that is me?
>
> "Don't mind him", said Digger, "He's a good stallion, but not
> really big on brains if you know what I mean"
>
> "I've known fellows like that", I replied to Digger.
Applejack: He sees him in the mirror everyday.
>
> The two told me that they were just homeless guys living in the
> woods. They also told me about the strange markings on a Pony's
> flanks, in which are known as "Cutie Marks" (Chop's Cutie Mark
> was an axe and Digger's was a shovel).
Rarity: [Chop] I kill the ponies.
Pinkie Pie: [Digger] And I bury the bodies.
Both: The perfect team!
>
> I then tried to ask them if they wanted to join me in my journey
> to find a new home, but they assured me that they were perfectly
> comfortable where they were already.
Rainbow Dash: Home is where your rump rests.
>
> "Are you sure you don't want to join me on my quest for a new home
> and friends?" I asked, trying to hold my tears of sorrow in.
Twilight Sparkle: Urge to point out and urge to strangle Griffy conflicting each other...
>
> "We're positive", said Digger, "We like it here in this mountain
> forest near Hoofington, don't we Chop?"
>
> "Yeah", replied Chop, "Wait, what are we talking about again?"
Applejack: Must’ve gotten into Griffy’s stash.
Pinkie Pie: [Chop] Duuuuude... Colors...
>
> I then made a very sad-sounding sigh walked back into the dark of
> the mountain forest.
Rarity: Not enough facehoofing will help right now.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So I left the mountain forest and returned to the open green
> fields, trekking on into the lonely night, so sad deep in my
> heart.
Twilight Sparkle: There's no one left to call, and the writing's on the wall.
> I then decided to take refuge somewhere for the night, but where?
Applejack: I heard the Y's open.
> That's when I spotted a large-sized, leaf-shaped boulder.
Fluttershy: Finally I can have my Pansage evolve into Simisage.
> I crawled underneath it and I began to fall asleep with tears
> sadness running down my face.
Rainbow Dash: And Linkin Park playing in the background.
>
> That's when I realized that I hardly could fall asleep, due to me
> being in an uncomfortable place to doze off. However it may have
> been both that and my sorrow combined that was keeping me awake
> for most of the first part of the night.
Pinkie Pie: Or those five cups of coffee.
>
> "Why can't I find a nice bed of leaves or something", I said out
> loud in a both tired and sad voice,
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I almost wish I was near a forest.
> "What would also really comfort me would be a friend or two. I
> don't care if they'd be guys or gals, nor if they're my species or
> not"
Fluttershy: So he wants a pet.
>
> That's when I started to think about Chop and Digger, would they
> ever find true happiness or what?
Rarity: They seemed already happy, so maybe they already did.
Rainbow Dash: Nonsense! They're not friends with Griffy, so it's a false happiness.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> NOTE: You will be seeing Chop and Digger again in a future story.
Applejack: No one can escape.
>
> C4: Escaping Cloudsdale
Rainbow Dash: Only if you're Snake.
>
> The next morning, I woke up to feel thundering vibrations
> approaching me.
Rarity: Stupid ricerz blasting trance.
> I looked out from under the rock I had been sleeping underneath
> and spotted a herd of Elephants joined by a herd of Water Buffalo
> marching past. I clearly knew not to leave my shelter just yet,
> for I knew I might get smushed or might accidently cause a
> stampede.
Twilight Sparkle: Or you may still be trippin' balls from Manehatten.
>
> As soon as the herd passed, I flew high into the sky to go hunt
> for some small Passerine Birds for breakfast.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> After I had caught some little Finches, I happened to glance at a
> strange-looking city in the clouds.
>
> "Could this be the place for me?" I thought to myself.
Rainbow Dash: If you don't mind Lando screwing you over.
>
> As I approached, I noticed the city's name on the main entrance
> gate, "Cloudsdale" the sign said.
Rainbow Dash: Welcome to Cloudsdale!
Pinkie Pie: I like swords.
>
> I noticed that the entire population was Pegasus Ponies.
Rainbow Dash: Ve are the master race. You vill bow!
> I took note that they could walk on clouds (rather odd physically
> speaking).
Applejack: [Griffy] ... Okay, what ever I got in Manehatten? It’s truly wicked stuff.
> I decided that maybe Griffins possibly have the same ability for
> I had seen Giant Griffins (the larger, more well-known variety
> of Griffin) walk on these puffs of steamy water before.
Rarity: (sarcastic) Oh, you mean someone from the same species can do the same thing?
>
> I was both suprised and amazed when found I had the cloud-walking
> ability as soon as stepped on one of the clouds. I was, at first
> fearing that I might fall through.
Rainbow Dash: And when they least suspect it, you pull the newbie through the cloud, scaring the hay out of them.
Fluttershy: .... That was you?!
Rainbow Dash: ... Whoops.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rarity: Dead ponies tell no tales.
Twilight Sparkle: (Counting) That's an odd number of x's.
Rarity: ... One was a cyclops.
>
> As I toured myself around this cloud-made city in the clouds, I
> caught sight of what had to be the most unnatural thing I had ever
> seen outside the EverFree Forest:
Applejack: Indoor plumbing.
> the Weather Factory! It was just to unnatural for me to even look
> at so I decided to check out a nearby newspaper stand.
>
> I went over to the newspaper stand and bought one of my favorite
> magazine/newspaper things to read, Equestria Daily.
Pinkie Pie: “Seth late with late sports edition, ponies call for head.”
Rarity: “New Petitions Against Tax.” Again?
>
> I found out about these very famous team of Pegusi called the
> Wonderbolts and while reading about their stunts and everything,
Rainbow Dash: "Wonderbolts Wow Crowd at Annual Sea & Pegasus Pony Show!"
Twilight Sparkle: "Wonderbolts Cheer Up Fillies for Make-a-Wish Foundation!"
Fluttershy: "Wonderbolt Soarin Caught in Sexual Tryst with an Apple Pie!"
> I found them pretty cool and thought what life would be like if a
> non-Pony Creature joined this celebrity team.
Applejack: Seeing as how the rest of the ponies are acting, joining the team probably involves a lynching.
> I imagined myself in a Wonderbolt outfit, flying through the air
> with the team.
Rainbow Dash: Griffy? In a skin tight outfit? Bad image!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rarity: Arrr, there be plenty booty here.
>
> Just as I was done reading the magazine, some serious-looking Pony
> authorities swooped over to me looking at very suspiciously.
Applejack: [Guard] Son, do you know that treating a store like a library is a felony?
>
> "Who and what are you sir?", asked one the male authorities in a
> very curious/serious tone.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I'm an officer and I'm not very griffin, drunk.
>
> "Griffy, the Pygmy Griffin", I answered.
>
> "Hhhhmmmm...", pondered another one of the Ponies to himself.
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.
>
> "Are you here to attend to Flight School? Because we also accept
> other species into our classes", the pondering authority said to
> me.
Rainbow Dash: You'll have to pay the out of district fee.
>
> "Actually, I'm looking for a place to live. You see, I come from
> the EverFree Forest and...", I stopped myself right there,
> realizing that I had blown my safety amongst these Ponies by
> mentioning my homeland outloud.
Applejack: Your brain should run faster than your mouth.
>
> The authorities sounded out an alarm on their whistles and
> everpony was in panic.
Twilight Sparkle: What, is mentioning Everfree Forest like saying bomb around a peg... (Notices Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash on top of the backrests of their seat, looking somewhat scared) *sigh* There's no bomb dammit. (Both climb down.)
Rainbow Dash: Right. I knew that.
>
> "You are not going to plague us with your bad luck, Beast!",
> yelled one of the female authorities at me.
Rarity: I have two tickets on the Powerball and you are not ruining my chances!
>
> I was frightened, I tried flying higher to get away from them as
> they were on my tail. I suddenly started to lose my stamina as I
> got higher and higher, probably because I was loosing oxygen
Pinkie Pie: [Lloyd Bridges] By this time, my lungs were aching for air.
> and the gravity was hurting me like mad.
Twilight Sparkle: Gravity is what makes you hurt. Not the strenuous workout from flying quickly straight up, but gravity.
Fluttershy: Watch out, he's stalling!
>
> So I then lost contiousness and started to plummet back down to
> the ground. Luckily, I survived the fall, for I had just then
> landed right on a soft pile of leaves.
Pinkie Pie: And the group of cops on his tail.
Twilight Sparkle: Let's see... if he fell from the height of the highest record flight, he just fell over 69 miles.
Rainbow Dash: So feathery red paste?
Twilight Sparkle: Unless the leaf pile was *at least* 50 feet high, then yes, paste.
>What an unbelievable stroke of luck!
Rarity: What a twist! ... Wait, no it's not.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C5: Meeting Monkeys
Applejack: Bring a hammer.
>
> I finally regained my conciousness after being out cold for a few
> hours. I then seemed to notice that I had crashed into a
> mysterious tropical jungle.
Rarity: [Guard] No, you're in the slammer son.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] ... These drugs I got in Manehatten are AWESOME. I didn’t feel a thing!
> I truthfully had no idea where I was but I decided to just deal
> with it.
Rainbow Dash: (Putting on her shades) Damned straight.
>
> I suddenly heard a strange-sounding tune being played high in the
> Treetops.
Fluttershy: What's this about a 'lion sleeps tonight?'
> I wanted to fly up and investigate, but my wings were too week to
> even flap. I had no choice but to climb the Trees.
Applejack: If a cat can do it, and you're half cat, then you should be able to do it half-assed.
>
> When I had reached the middle story, I saw what looked like a
> giant hive made of vines. The "hive" was probably about 14 feet
> tall and 6 feet wide. I peeked through a little crack on the side
> and saw these very odd-looking Monkeys with feather head dresses
> and playing drums and flutes.
Rainbow Dash: Best trip ever.
> One of the female Monkeys spotted me peeking, raced over
> and yanked me into the hive-like structure.
Pinkie Pie: We've got monkeys?
Fluttershy: Oh yes! They really like spankings for some odd reason...
Twilight Sparkle: Flutt~... Never mind, don't want to know.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pinkie Pie: All right, let's get this accordion closed.
>
> "Look!", she cried out to the other Monkeys (in which I found out
> their species name eventually, which is Ritual Monkey).
>
> "I found a Bird-Mammal thing! Shall we sacrifise it to prove
> ourselves worthy?", she asked. I got very worried at hearing what
> she said.
Rarity: Please? Oh please do...
Applejack: [monkey] We must make certain that this year's crops are bountiful!
>
> "No", replied the eldest male Ritual Monkey.
Twilight Sparkle: [elder monkey] Such a sacrifice would PISS OFF our gods.
>
> "It would seem that this Creature may be lost and is looking for
> help", he continued.
Fluttershy: [elder monkey] Now we turn this into an intervention.
>
> "Amazing!", I said outloud in amazment, "I-I-It's like you can
> r-read my mind".
Twilight Sparkle: [elder monkey] No, we've encountered many a Sue before, ritually spanking their own e-monkey.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pinkie Pie: Wrong way with the accordion!
>
> I then sat around with the Ritual Monkeys, gossiping about my
> journey for a new home so far;
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Awesome awesome awesome. Oh, did I mention AWESOME.
> while eating fruit and Tree-dwelling Invertebrates. The female
> who yanked me in constantly kept an eye on me, thinking I might
> do something bad to her troop.
Applejack: [female monkey] C'mon, do something. Give me a reason to fling my poop.
> I even learned a bit about their way of life. For example, how
> they often will use the stars at night to navigate.
Fluttershy: Being apparently sea monkeys.
> I asked if they could show me it right then, but they reminded me
> that it was still daytime outside.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, it's a star!
>
> "Do you mind if you actually not call us Ritual Monkeys?", they
> asked me while we sat around.
>
> "How come?", I asked.
Rarity: Brings up too many things with 'other' rituals involving monkeys.
>
> "It is not what we call ourselves", they said, "We prefer to be
> called Jikooba,
Pinkie Pie: Gesundheit.
>that's what we call ourselves"
Twilight Sparkle: We don't like to be called what others call us, we like to be called what we calls us. Which is nothing like what others call us.
>
> "Jikooba?", I said, "Somehow, that reminds me of home"
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> I then noticed the eldest male Jikooba talking with the female
> Jikooba about something and she looked far from convinced.
Applejack: [female monkey] I don't remember buying a lottery ticket in Kenya.
> At the time, I had know clue what they were saying because I
> don't speak Jikooba.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Hey, can you translate to another made-up language?
>
> "Can you guys acutally help me out with my problem?", I asked
> them.
Fluttershy: Since this is fluff, probably not.
>
> "Very well", said the elder male. He then anounced to the rest of
> the troop something important in their language.
Twilight Sparkle: Translation: I'm gonna screw with this guy. Give me a hand.
>
> That's when the Monkeys then started a new type of cermony for me.
> All the Jikooba got out their instruments and starting humming.
>
> "Close your eyes", said the elder male.
Rarity: He won't see the knife coming.
>
> As I did as he told me to do, they all started to play music with
> their instruments and humming.
Rainbow Dash: {deadpan} Inagaddavita honey. Don’t you know that I got you.
> There was then a relaxing-sounding tune alround of drums, flutes,
> violin-like instruments and humming.
Pinkie Pie: This is how muzak is made.
> The elderly male placed his hand on my forehead and chanted a
> small tune about searching deep inside myself. I could feel
> something strange happening within me. It was almost like
> something was trying to get free.
Twilight Sparkle: Alien eggs?
> I could tell it was a sudden realizing feeling deep down.
Rainbow Dash: Gas.
>
> "I have it!", cried the old Monkey.
Fluttershy: We're going to need a doll to help show us what happened, aren't we?
>
> "You wish to stay in a place that accepts you for who you really
> are", he continued. I opened my eyes and nodded in agreement.
Pinkie Pie: There's this bar in Boston that might work.
>
> "Sorry, but you cannot stay with us", he said sadly.
>
> "Why not?", I asked.
Rarity: [elder monkey] Because we're not idiots.
>
> "That female who pulled you in here, my daughter, she belives that
> you are a Being from an evil realm", he explained, "She and I
> discussed this before this ceremony started"
Twilight Sparkle: They should wait until they cook him so they can tell if he's evil or just gamey.
>
> "Let me guess", I said with a bitter tone which then procceeded
> with sarcasm, "I'm just different", I said while doing the
> quotation marks with my digits (which you would see as Bird feet).
Rainbow Dash: Screw friends and home. I'm going to make a heat beam, called a "laser." Using these "lasers," I'll punch a hole in the protective layer around the planet, which scientists call the "Ozone Layer..."
>
> So then, without another word from the Monkeys, I just flew right
> out a window without saying another word to them all.
Rarity: [Griffy] Screw you bitches, I'm out.
>
> "That was totally pointless",
Twilight Sparkle: So is the majority of this fic so far.
> I thought to myself as I flew above the canopy, "Oh well, best I
> keep moving, I must find the perfect home, I must!"
Pinkie Pie: I must succeed!
>
> To Be Continued
(The safe door swings open)
Twilight Sparkle: What the...
Nightmare Moon: I have to let you out to use the bathroom and such. I'm evil, not sadistic.
[1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7]
*Satellite*
[The Mane Six appear on the bridge in a flash of purple light, and also in the middle of the air. They wind up in a multicolored pony pile on the console.]
Applejack: ... Whose horn is in my flank?
Rarity: Mine! I think...
Rainbow Dash: How is my wing there? ... Wait, that’s Fluttershy’s.
Fluttershy: Sorry...
Pinkie Pie: Huh, my tail does taste like cotton candy...
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, everypony hold on for a second...
[Twilight magically lifts the entire pile off the console, separates her and her friends from each other, and then sets them down behind it. With them no longer a mass of pony, they start to take in where they’re at. Except Pinkie, who spots something offscreen and wanders off to get a better look.]
Rarity: Fluttershy? You didn’t redecorate with a neo-factory kick in mind, did you?
Fluttershy: No. Besides, Angel still hasn’t gotten the permits yet.
Applejack: So where are we then?
[Applejack eyes the huge steel door with a crescent moon on it worryingly.]
Applejack: I don’t know of anyplace in Ponyville like this.
Pinkie Pie: (offscreen) Oh, I know where we’re at.
[The camera pulls back to see Pinkie standing in front of a huge window.]
Pinkie Pie: We’re in SPACE!
[The rest stand there for a second while this fact in processed.]
Rest: We’re WHERE?!?
[The rest then rush to the window, effectively smushing Pinkie against it. Beyond it one can see a field of stars and, more importantly, Equestria slowly turning far below.]
Rainbow Dash: ... This is AWESOME!
Applejack: Sugarcube, this is anything BUT awesome. Okay Twilight, how in the hay did you get us up here?
Twilight Sparkle: I-I-I shouldn’t... I couldn’t. I CAN’T! This level of magic requires insane amounts of energy! You need either a dozen top rate unicorns or either one of the princesses just to cast it.
Unknown voice: Or a talisman for direct teleportation.
Twilight Sparkle: Or tha... Who said that?
[The view from the window disappears and is replaced with a very familiar looking mare wearing an odd neon green vest.]
All: Nightmare Moon?!?
Rarity: How did Luna turn back?
Nightmare Moon: Trust me, I’m not the princess but I’m still Nightmare Moon.
[The Mane Six share a look of confusion.]
Nightmare Moon: *sigh* Let me explain...
*The Lab*
[Nightmare Moon starts strolling through The Lab, which seems to be your standard hidden away evil laboratory. Various devices, whether mechanical, electronic or magical in nature seem to be performing whatever they were designed to do.]
Nightmare Moon: You see girls; I’m something almost like a parasite. I feed off of emotions while boosting the power of my host. With Luna it was her hatred for the ponies that slept during the night and her jealousy for her sister for being praised for the day that I was able to join with the princess and... well, you know the rest.
[Nightmare Moon stops, a sneer now on her face.]
Nightmare Moon: But if it wasn’t for the Elements of Harmony, both from Celestia banishing us to the moon and then you six splitting me and Luna apart, I’d still have my alicorn meal ticket. Instead I was bouncing around different planes of reality thanks to you!
[Nightmare Moon is seething at this point, but a few deep breaths and she regains her composure.]
Nightmare Moon: But every cloud has a silver lining, because in one of those dimensions I came across an idea was simply delightfully
evil. And to make it happen, all I had to do was wait until I got back to Equestria proper, and when I did I came across a pony that not only so disheartened by her predicament, but wanted revenge against you all too! ... Well mainly Twilight, but we agreed the rest could go for the ride too.
[Snips and Snails go bouncing through the background. Nightmare Moon doesn’t even turn around.]
Nightmare Moon: And you’re not the only ones who deserve a little payback. So one friendly little merge later and I’m baaaaaaack.
*Satellite*
Twilight Sparkle: Like it’s going to last. I’ll just...
Nightmare Moon: “Backtrack through the talisman?” Don’t even bother. I had it specially designed to self destruct after it activated. Can’t follow the road back home when the road no longer exists.
Rainbow Dash: Screw it then, I’ll just fly back down to Equestria and...
[Nightmare Moon just smiles.]
Nightmare Moon: Oh, you tell her! I want to see the reaction.
Twilight Sparkle: ... *sigh* Space is a vacuum. I doubt we’ve have any space suits in here, so you’ll die from oxygen deprivation in fifteen seconds.
[Rainbow Dash opens her mouth to say something, but Twilight puts a hoof up.]
Twilight Sparkle: Don’t try to hold your breath. Explosive decompression of the lungs. And even if you make it down to the atmosphere, you’ll most likely burn up upon reentry... Unless you come in too shallow, in which case you’ll just wind up going back into space.
Rainbow Dash: ... You know, it was a stupid plan anyway.
Fluttershy: So what do you want with us? And in space?
Nightmare Moon: Simple: You are now a controlled experiment. The door that’s behind you leads to a theater. There you’ll all be subjected to bad movies, fics, whatever I want. I will use this to eventually break your spirits and minds. As for the whole space thing... If I left you down on the planet there’s the chance of someone interfering, possible contamination, or you escaping. And I can’t have that, now can I?
Applejack: And if we refuse go into the theater?
Nightmare Moon: I blow every airlock on the ship. I mean I’ll give you enough warning to get your flanks into the theater, but the ultimate choice is that or death.
[The Mane Six all grumble out a begrudging agreement.]
Nightmare Moon: Good! And just so you know, the experiment begins... right now! I have a nice little fic called Griffy’s Journey. It stars you six. Sort of. Boys? Send it up.
[As the feed goes out the klaxon start going off.]
Twilight Sparkle: Looks like we don’t have much of a choice.
Pinkie: Wait! There’s one thing that needs to be done.
Rarity: What is it Pinkie?
[Pinkie jumps up, her front hooves in the air.]
Pinkie Pie: ... We got fanfic sign!
(Door 7: The heavy steel door with the Nightmare Moon logo on it. It wheels to one side.)
(Door 6: The top of a cardboard box. It pops open easily.)
(Door 5: Clouds. They part like a curtain.)
(Door 4: Tom the Boulder! Rarity quickly shoves him out of the way.)
(Door 3: Princess Celestia’s locker. A replica of her horn is inserted into the hole, and it opens with a slightly noticeable moan.)
(Door 2: The Ponyville Library door. First only the top opens, then closes. The bottom then follows suit. Then it swings the wrong way. Finally, it opens the right way.)
(Door 1: The safe. It unlocks and swings open.)
[Seated from left to right: Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie.]
> Griffy's Journey
Rarity: Into madness.
> By Wesdaaman
Pinkie Pie: Who's daaman? You daaman!
>
>C1: My Quest Begins
Rainbow Dash: You will now be forced to learn the controls, half of which you'll never use.
>
> It was a regular sunny Saturday in Ponyville at about 3:00 PM,
Applejack: Me and my partner were starting our day in the Homicide division at central. My name’s Friday, I carry a badge.
> the small Birds were chirping, the Cattle were grazing, the Insects
> were buzzing and humming, the burrowing Mammals were foraging
Twilight Sparkle: Dogs were barking, cats were meowing, Spider-colt was counting all the bucks he was giving...
> and the Ponies were all doing their daily duties. The male Ponies
> kept on working hard on hauling wagons of any kind of vegetable
Fluttershy: [manly] Hey Tree Kicker.
Applejack: [same] Hey Ditch Digger. What'cha doin'?
Fluttershy: Hauling Veggies. You?
Applejack: Same. Would be nice to do our jobs though.
Fluttershy: Yep.
> and the female Ponies were doing similar stuff, though it was not
> as hard.
Rainbow Dash: Barehoofed and in the kitchen. Just hows I likes 'em.
Twilight Sparkle: In a matrifocal based society where the female population outweighs males four to one... Yeah, how about NO.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Ah believe that fence will keep the critters out.
>
> The Cutie Mark Crusaders were just pondering in the town park,
Pinkie Pie: What, are they lab rats now?
> trying to figure out what they could try next to earn their Cutie
> Marks.
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] We could be Cutie Mark Crusaders Cutie Mark Crusaders! ... Wait.
>
> "We could try chasing Birds", suggested Scootaloo.
>
> "Are you kidding?" asked Sweetie Belle, "What would a Cutie Mark
> of that even look like?"
Fluttershy: ... Like a bird?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe it's hard to visualize, like what the cutie mark for arguing would be.
Pinkie Pie: That would look like 4-chan.
>
> "Maybe we could ask our funny friend", said Apple Bloom, "And that
> funny friend is over there, rahght now!"
Rarity: Gah, even AJ's drawl isn't that bad.
Applejack: Now Ah'm as sure as stink on a pole cat in a garbage heap that my drawl ain't a'tall bad. Why my granny was just jabberin' on abo~ *Rarity covers Applejack's mouth with her hoof.*
Rarity: Please stop.
>
> Just as Apple Bloom pointed out, an odd-looking quadruped was
> walking into the park.
Rarity: Something walking on all fours? It's neither pony nor beast!
> It was a Griffin with its feathers all brown, a longer beak than
> Gilda, Kangaroo-like ears, an eye color of light blue and also had
> rather small size; being smaller than an adult Pony but larger
> than Spike, the young Dragon, if he was on all four feet.
Pinkie Pie: Somewhere Stephen Ratliff is sneezing.
> The Griffin then halted as soon as he spotted a Mouse scurrying
> by. He then got into a stalking position as he followed it into
> the bushes.
Rainbow Dash: [griffin] Damn this ADD. Okay, cut through the park, go to the store and get a gallon of milk, a loaf of mouse mouse mouse chase the mouse.
>
> "Hey!" shouted Scootaloo, "Useless Griffin!
Fluttershy: We would've come to that conclusion on own, but thanks for pointing that out anyway story.
> We need some help here!
>
> The Griffin stopped and glared at the three foals.
Rarity: [griffin] Hmmm, they’re bigger than the mouse.
>
> "I have a name, you know Scoot?",
Twilight Sparkle: [Scootaloo] Hi Useless Griffin Scoot!
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] How do you know my name?
Applejack: [Griffin] Let's not worry too much about that. Oh, and I have to inform you that I may be on a certain list too...
> said the Griffin with a mature male voice with a pseudo-Maine
> accent
Pinkie Pie: [accented] That was a wicked pissah of a Patriots game Sunday, but I should've never went to the packie afterwards. I still got a wicked banger.
> (if he were a Human, he'd be like 18 or 19), "You are fully aware
> that it's Griffy, short for Griffalonius Von Masterton III, and my
> species name is not "Useless Griffin", no, it's Pygmy Griffin.
Rainbow Dash: Ohhh, I feel a Griffinsplain coming up.
Twilight Sparkle: *Looking in a book* Pygmy Griffin. Synonyms: ...Useless Griffin.
> Now if you fillies would not mind, I am trying to catch a snack
> here"
Fluttershy: Once you pop...
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] There's a 7-11 right across the street.
Rarity: [Griffy] I'm broker than a college student right now, so hush.
>
> The three fillies just waited as they heard what sounded like a
> Lion roar mixed with an Eagle squawk and the sound of a panicking
> Mouse squeaking in fear.
Fluttershy: [Mouse] Help! Police! Damn you fillies for just standing there and watching!
> Once Griffy had emerged out of the bushes with the Mouse's dead
> body dangling from his beak, the Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped in
> both fear and amazement as he gulped it whole.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] Ewww.
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] Wooow.
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] Meh, Opal plays with it longer.
>
> "So anyways, Jamboha girls", said Griffy.
Pinkie Pie: And Mocha Latte to you too.
>
> "What does that mean?" asked Sweetie Belle, all confused at the
> word "jamboha".
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, she was confused at the whole speaking thing.
Applejack: [Sweetie Belle, dumbly] You make pretty sound with your food hole.
>
> "It means "hello" in Gabbagonian", responded Griffy, "Gabbagonian
> is the language from the range I originally come from, called
> Gabbagon"
>
> "What's Gabbagon?" asked Apple Bloom.
Pinkie Pie: The home of McCloppin.
>
> "It's an area from the EverFree Forest in which I originate from",
> responded Griffy, "It's larger than Ponyville and many different
> species of anything can live and befriend each other there"
Rarity: [Sweetie Belle] So you play chess with hydras?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] No, they try to eat us.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] You romp with manticores?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] No, they try to shred us to bits.
Rainbow Dash: [Scootaloo] How about the~
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Okay, you live everyday in fear of your life! But it's still bigger than your town.
>
> That's when the three foals got an idea on what to do next for
> fun, ask Griffy about his life before he came to live in Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash: Because nothing says fun like listening to someone drone on about their life.
Twilight Sparkle: It can be! Autobiographies can be a rich source of information to someone's life.
Rainbow Dash: And my statement still stands.
> They asked him and he agreed. He flew over to one of the park
> benches and sat on it, the Cutie Mark Crusaders sat in front of
> him on the ground and got eager listen.
[All ponies sit quietly for a minute]
Applejack: ......... So what's eager supposed to sound like?
Pinkie Pie: Don't know, but it's gonna get got.
>
> "Let us begin", said Griffy, "I have no clue why so many from
> outside of my native land call the place "unnatural" or "cursed",
Fluttershy: Insane wild critters?
Twilight Sparkle: Out of control magic?
Rainbow Dash: Unnatural weather patterns?
All: {deadpan} Why, pray tell, would anypony think it's unnatural or cursed?
> I find it absolutely normal.
Rarity: Sure, when you look in the mirror everything looks normal...
> I had always lived in the Trees ever since I was a chick-cub with my
> mother, father, older brother, twin sister and younger sister;
Applejack: [Griffy] My aunt, my uncle, his wife from a previous marriage, the mailmare, the hobo that lived under the elm...
> so I never really knew much about the forest floor; except for the times
> I had to go to the ground so I could go to school.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] What's this stuff on the ground?
Fluttershy: That's dirt.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Buckin' WOW man...
> I had, however, learned about many of the Creatures living down
> there, such as the annoying Gremlin that lived next-door, I mean
> next-Tree.
Twilight Sparkle: He built a conifer. A freakin' *conifer*.
> I've always liked to entertain others with comedy, so I guess
>that's my calling in life.
Rarity: He's on par with the likes of Jon Lovitz.
> I think that what showed me that comedy was my talent was a
> mysterious rainbow-like explosion thing, coming from miles away,
> outside of the EverFree Forest.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] At least I thought it was. We were eating 'shrooms of the forest floor all day and things got a little weird man.
> That rainbow thing inspired me to make several jokes, including
> jokes about the "boom" rainbow thing itself"
Pinkie Pie: Someone thinks Pinkie Pie is the best pony.
Twilight Sparkle: No, someone thinks Pinkie Pie's cutie mark origin is the best. Or the easiest to copy and play with.
>
> "A Sonic Rainboom perhaps?" suggested Scootaloo
>
> "Yes", replied Griffy, "It was Rainbow Dash's first Sonic
> Rainboom"
>
> "Alright!" said Scootaloo with joy, "I always knew she made things
> right!"
Twilight Sparkle: Save that time where her ego from being a hero ballooned out of proportions.
Fluttershy: Or when she turned finding a pet into a contest and got stuck under a rock.
Applejack: Or all the stunts she pulled in our Iron Pony competition.
Rainbow Dash: ... You know I'm sitting right here.
All: Yes, we know.
>
> "The area of the EverFree Forest I come from, is a beautiful area
> called Gabbagon, as you know, where any species can live and
> befriend each other",
Rarity: [Griffy] I'm telling you this again to drive home the fact that we're better than you.
> Griffy continued, "When I had reached my late sub-adulthood, which
> is the age I currently am now,
Twilight Sparkle: Sub-adulthood? Oh goddess, he's a tween.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy, voice cracking] I hate everything and my parents.
> I decided to live in the world beyond the EverFree Forest. You
> know, Equestria.
Twilight Sparkle: [Apple Bloom] Equestria? Oh, this whole time I was calling it home.
> I also understood that the rest of the world was being controlled by
> these quadrupedal, herbivorous, Hoofed Mammals called "Ponies" (other
> names include Steed and Horse). That would be your kind, derpy derp!"
Fluttershy: That’s right, bow to your gods. BOW!
Rainbow Dash: Oh yeah, a definite griffinsplain in full effect.
Pinkie Pie: Wait... did we just get insulted?
>
> "Yes?" said a familiar female voice from above the group's head.
> It was none other than Ditzy Doo (AKA Derpy Hooves).
>
> "Not you, Ms. Doo", said Griffy and with that, Ditzy just flew
> away,
Rarity: .... Wut?
Pinkie Pie: You do not call in the Derpy. She only comes when the time is right and of her own accord.
> "Now back to the story. I actually had two more reasons to leave
> my old home. The land itself was becoming too hostile for me to
> live in and another reason I had left was because I was
> practically banished.
Twilight Sparkle: So you chose to leave because you were being kicked out?
Applejack: [Gabbonian leader] We'll give you a choice: Leave or get out.
> The "banishment" involved 3 old school bullies who were being real
> jerks to me, even as being adults/sub-adults.
Rainbow Dash: *Nerds!*
Pinkie Pie: Purple nurples, wet willies, and super wedgies for everyone!
> Those jerks even told the shy girl Pygmy Griffin I always had a
> crush on a bunch of lies. I don't really know what they told her,
> but she looked very upset and depressed"
Twilight Sparkle: [griffin girl] I heard you write... crappy fanfiction.
Fluttershy: This is from a place where any species can live and befriend each other?
Rarity: Yes, save for the one they'll stone later on to ward away the evils of society.
>
> "That's sad", said Sweetie Belle.
>
> "Heart-breakin'", said Apple Bloom.
>
> "For once, I actually agree with you two on something like this",
> said Scootaloo, finally unleashing her more feminine side.
Fluttershy: Feelings: Only for girls.
>
> "So yeah", continued Griffy, "At first my journey for a new home
> in Equestria wasn't too bad, but trust me, it very lonesome and
> even a little dangerous.
Rainbow Dash: There were nukes, crazy mercs, and a mailmare trying to kill me.
> I thought to myself, What have I gotten myself into."
Twilight Sparkle: I'm getting the same feeling.
>
> The three fillies gave very wide-eyed expressions of amazement.
Fluttershy: Stupidity can amaze, if just for its staggering amounts.
>
> "Now close your eyes, so you can envision what I am going to say",
> continued Griffy,
Applejack: Why do I see the phrase 'Bad touch' coming into play?
> "And let me tell you the tale of my voyage for a new home"
Rarity: And how he became the prince of a town called Bel Air.
>
> To Be Continued
All: Yeah, freedom!
Nightmare Moon: (over the PA system) I said *multiple parts.* Sit your flanks back down!
All: Awwwwww...
> C2: In Pony Territory
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Why am I the only one getting this territory? It’s not slayer guys, c’mon!
>
> On my quest to find a new home, my first destination to a pony
> nation was Manehatten.
Applejack: I wonder if Griffy got the traditional Manehatten greeting?
Rarity: What’s that?
Applejack: A mugging.
> I had never seen so many tall structures in all my life. One of the
> enormous structures that truly impressed me was that of a giant green
Pinkie Pie: Ho ho ho.
> statue of a female Pony with a crown, a robe and a torch standing
> on a small island in the city's harbor.
Pinkie Pie: Oh.
>
> As I walked along the street, every now and then some rude Pony or
> two would yell at me for getting in the way.
Twilight Sparkle: Didn't help that he was walking in the middle of the street during rush hour.
>
> I was suddenly stopped by some weird acting male Unicorn Pony in
> the shadows of an ally. He had a green vest on, had a weird yellow
> color to his fur and also had sort of a goatee.
Fluttershy: Drug dealer?
Rarity: No, Soho.
> He also had an odd symbol on his flank that looked like a currency
> coin.
Rainbow Dash: He's a 1%er! Get him!
>
> "Hey, yous wants sumtin, eh?" he asked me with a sinister smirk.
>
> "Uuuuuhhh maybe", I said, trying to speak my best in Ponytalk, the
> Pony language.
>
> "Well check dis ting out", he said as he telekinized a strange
> looking container with his horn.
Rainbow Dash: ... How'd you get the season 1 DVD?
>
> He then convinced me to drink the substance in it, hoping for
> money in return.
Applejack: [Two-bit] Dammit! Money first, THEN product.
> It was the most revolting stuff I had ever swallowed in
> my life.
Rarity: (checking the label on the bottle) Jägerbomb. No wonder.
Applejack: [Two-bit] It's recycled beer.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] How'd you recyl... Oh god.
> That's when I started to get drowsy, and I suddenly started seeing
> these weird bubbles appear around me that started to take the
> shape of pink-colored Ponies with eye socket-like eyes.
Fluttershy: Department of Redundancy Department. How may we assist you in an assisting way?
>
> The pink Ponies then started to march all around me, shape
> shifting, color-changing and singing a really odd song of how they
> were on parade, freaking the hay out of me.*
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, that's why he ate the mouse. He was going to sue for copyright infringement!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Yep, fence is comin' along nicely, Mmmhmmm.
>
> When I finally woke up, the weird Unicorn Pony was gone,
Twilight Sparkle: And so was one of Griffy's kidneys.
> I decided that big cities are totally no place for me so I decided
> to leave, flying high above the buildings so nopony would bother
> and see me.
Rarity: {singing} I want fly like an eagle, to the sea...
Rainbow Dash: Welcome to Cloudsdale! Y'know, above everything and home of flying ponies.
> As I flew I noticed that one of the building's windows had some
> sort of activity.
Pinkie Pie: Trouble? Mare-Do-Well away!
> I swooped down toward the window, sat on the sill and looked in
> to see a male and female Earth Pony of somewhat yellow coloring
> and having symbols on their flanks, both that of Oranges, just
> chatting with each other about lunch plans.
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, he's still tripping balls from the stuff earlier.
>
> "Excuse me", I asked them,
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Peeping tom! Can I watch?
> "But can I live here for a while? Since I clearly have no place to
> go? By the way, what are your names?"
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I can walk myself!
Rarity: He's a nice home intruder. Likes to know the people whose stuff he's stealing.
>
> "You may call us Mr. and Mrs. Orange", said the stallion, "And
> should we give this small brown Griffin a home, dear?"
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, let's give a complete stranger that we know nothing about room and board! Does this seem wrong to anypony else?
Rest: (sarcastically) Nope.
>
> "He could probably find it on his own", said the mare.
Rarity: But paying those Mahehatten rates? Forget it.
>
> "Oh viingizui", I said out loud to myself, "I tried"
>
> "Now that is not how a Manehattener speaks!" snapped Mrs. Orange,
> "No living thing stays around this here apartment without speaking
> like a city Pony!"
Twilight Sparkle: What does a Manehatterner sound like?
Applejack: Like this. [stereotypical Manehattener] Hey, me and my paesan Fluttershy, we were gonna hop in her EROC-Z, hit up da gym, and go to da club later on.
Fluttershy: [ditto] I don't know. I was gonna work on my tan and I gots tickets to da Yankees game.
>
> "Now that was just an exclamation", I said nervously, "It's just a
> phrase in my native language, Gabbagonian. And also, I'm not a
> Pony as you can clearly see"
Rainbow Dash: Now a paragraph and half explanation on why and how he's different.
>
> "Now honey", said Mr. Orange to Mrs. Orange, "Do you have to act
> so harshly to those who don't speak like us?"
Rarity: [Mr. Orange] That fact he looks different is enough to work with.
>
> "Do you two want to know where I'm from or not?" I complained.
Pinkie Pie: [Mr. Orange] No, I do the 'splaining around here!
>
> "Fine", Mr. and Mrs. Orange said.
>
> "Gabbagon, the area I'm specifically from, is in the EverFree
> Forest", I said to them.
>
> Mrs. Orange screamed in terror and Mr. Orange tried to call out
> their door for help from their neighbors and Animal Control.
Twilight Sparkle: [random neighbor] Crap, are the Oranges "roleplaying" again?
Fluttershy: [other neighbor] Enh, as soon as he remembers the safeword it'll stop.
>
> "That's it", I said in frustration to the two of them, "You aren't
> going to see my face again"
Rainbow Dash: And thus the town was saved.
Rest: (deadpan) Yea.
>
> Thus, I flew out the window and departed Manehatten.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> "Wait a minute!" exclaimed Apple Bloom.
>
> "What?" said Griffy, finding that his story had just been
> interrupted.
Applejack: [Apple Bloom] You nearly committed breaking & entering and you're complaining about being stopped?
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Quiet you with your "logic."
>
> "Those two Ponies you met in that apartment sound like my Aunt and
> Uncle Orange", continued Apple Bloom.
>
> "And what charming people your aunt and uncle are", said Griffy
> sarcastically,
Rarity: God damned them for not letting a complete stranger into their home!
> "Now back to the story"
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Many more miles to the southwest, I was trekking through a dry
> canyon which emerged into a great desert of sandy dunes.
Twilight Sparkle: The spice must flow.
> The dryness was getting to me.
>
> I suddenly spotted a small pool of water up ahead. I rushed over
> and almost drank it dry.
Rainbow Dash: Actually, it's a mirage. And we've replaced the water with camel pee. Let's see if he notices...
> Just when I was done, I looked up to see a Jackal staring at me
> with a belt around its waist with a sword being held in that belt
> for safe keeping. The Jackal then spoke to me, but it was in some
> sort of foreign language I could not decipher at all.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] What is 'LULZ?'
>
> "Ay-ra dudla dosa", he said to me.
>
> I made a confused look, hoping he's realize that I could not
> understand his language.
Applejack: [Griffy] I'm Gabbagonian and we only speaking Gabbagonian around here!
> Luckily, he got the message and tried telling me what he was
> saying by writing a symbol in the ground.
Pinkie Pie: ¬_¬
Twilight Sparkle: How in the hay... Never mind, filing it under 'Because it's Pinkie.'
> The image he drew was what looked like a Jackal skull with X-
> across bones and an arrow pointing to the north.
Rainbow Dash: Arrr, there be pirates!
> I turned my head northwards and saw what he Jackal was trying to
> tell me, he was trying to warn me about being killed. A sandstorm
> approaching from the north,
All: DEEP HURTING. DEEP HURTING.
> I flew as fast as I could till I finally found refuge in an old ruined
> city.
Rarity: 'Welcome to Pompeii.' Meh, seems safe enough.
> I took refuge within the great ancient structures and waited for
> the sandstorm to pass.
Twilight Sparkle: Any moon men here? No? Good.
>
> When the sandstorm finally passed, it was already dark, at like
> 8:00 PM.
Applejack: Save it was the middle of summer.
> As I started to debate whether I should live in this ancient city
> or not, I spotted something that chilled my blood.
Pinkie Pie: They're out of Fanta.
> Coming from outside were the shadows of what looked like giant
> Wolves passing by, I knew I was in terrible danger.
Fluttershy: They work for Amway.
>
> I climbed/flew up to the structure's highest window to get a
> better view on how to escape.
Rainbow Dash: Jump! Jump! Jump!
> Down on the ground, I saw the Creatures, Fenirs, large Wolves
> almost the size of elephants with almost Cetacean-like intelligence.
Twilight Sparkle: So they have a level of intelligence that could rival our own?
Fluttershy: No, the only things they do are jump playfully out of water and get caught in tuna nets.
>
> I wondered to myself about how I was going to get out of here.
Rarity: Oh, I don’t know... How about fly?
> That's when I started to have a flashback to when I was a
> chick-cub, learning how to fly:
Rainbow Dash: The bandits were coming in a six o'clock high. My copilot was dead, I was running out of fuel, and I was willing to do anything to survive.
>
> I had fallen out of my Tree early one morning, for I was
> attempting to fly on my own.
Rarity: Actually, his parents booted him out the door while his back was turned.
Applejack: [Griffy's dad] Time to fly son!
>I had found myself outside of Gabbagon for the first in my life. I
> was then suddenly being chased by a Forest Dragon. Now Forest
> Dragons can't fly, but they their Serpentine bodies allow them to
> maneuver through the undergrowth very smoothly.
Rarity: Much like most candidates running for office.
> I had finally escaped by jumping off the edge of a cliff, spread
> my wings and finally gained the ability to fly and so I flew back
> home to Gabbagon to show my family my progress.
Applejack: [Griffy's dad] Dammit, didn't work. I mean I so proud, son!
>
> The situation this time, however, was a little different, for I
> was not being chased at the current time, so I then knew that then
> was a good time to get out of there, all I had to do was fly
> (duh) and thus none of the Fenir Wolves seemed to notice me.
Twilight Sparkle: [wolf] Hey, there's a griffin flying over there!
Fluttershy: [another wolf] ... Dude, do you want us to help find your contact or not?
>
> "The deserts are totally no place for a Pygmy Griffin", I said to
> myself.
>
> I knew my true home should be somewhere, but where?
Rarity: I have several suggestions!
Twilight Sparkle: How many of them are pleasant?
Rarity: ... I have no suggestions!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The next day, I was back on the green fields and discovered
> another knew Pony city to possibly call home, Fillydelphia.
All: {singing} Oh brother are you gonna leave me wastin' away on the streets of Fillydelphia.
>
> I picked up some lose money while on the streets and I put it to
> good use, spending part of it on Banana fries and Mushroom pie
> (well since my kind is omnivorous, I needed to get some meat as
> well so I stopped by the park and ate a few Doves and Trout).
Fluttershy: You know, I'm starting to doubt people don't like Griffy because he's from Everfree. I'm thinking it's because he's EATING THE PARK'S ANIMALS IN THE PARK.
Applejack: Easy there Flutterrage.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Maybe we should put some barbed wire on that fence.
>
> I decided that I should probably get a map of Equestria so I could
> tell where had been and stuff.
Rainbow Dash: He has problems remembering times when he wasn't awesome.
> I went to the map store and met the stallion Pegasus Pony who
> owned the place; he was already reading some sort of textbook when
> I first saw him.
Twilight Sparkle: 'Map Making for Dummies'
Pinkie Pie: [MapQuest] This is only temporary until I pay off my student loans.
> He was all brown, had a bluish purple vest on and symbol of a map
> on his flank.
Rarity: It's a red dot that says "I am here."
>
> "Pardon me sir..." I said, "...But do you have the time to give me
> like a to-go map of the world?"
Twilight Sparkle: [MapQuest] How about an atlas?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] No, I just need a map.
Twilight Sparkle: [MapQuest] ......
>
> "Sure thing", said the owner, as he went over to the biggest map
> in the store.
Rainbow Dash: Wait, that's a map of Hyrule.
>
> "First of all..." he said to me, "...where are you from originally?"
Rarity: Why does he want to know where he's been?
Pinkie Pie: It's MapQuest. He ALWAYS asks that.
>
> I decided to call the EverFree Forest one of its other official
> names so he wouldn't (hypothetically speaking) freak out at me.
Rainbow Dash: The home of the world's largest sauerkraut plant.
Fluttershy: The Miami of Canada.
Applejack: City of Flour and Sawdust.
>
> "The WonderWood",
Twilight Sparkle: And all the roads we have to walk are winding...
Pinkie Pie: And all the lights that lead us there are blinding...
Both: There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how!
> I replied, hoping he wouldn't catch on and freak out.
>
> The Horse took one good look at the giant map, turned back around
> to face me and said, "It doesn't exist".
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Okay... 1060 West Addison.
Rarity: [Mapquest] .........
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] .... Narnia?
Rarity: [MapQuest] .........
>
> I was shocked, "But it's where I'm from!" I exclaimed. That's when
> I decided to tell him its top official name.
Applejack: The former home of the world's biggest wiener.
>
> "The EverFree Forest", I said.
>
> A very terrified expression came across his face as he looked at
> me. He quickly ran outside and was panicking and yelling out to
> the crowd that a "deadly Animal" from the EverFree Forest was
> "invading".
Rarity: I think it's called "liberating" now.
>
> "Everypony panic!"
Pinkie Pie: Okay! (Pinkie proceeds to run around the theater in a "panic", until Twilight Sparkle magically grabs her by the tail.)
Twilight Sparkle: Sit.
Pinkie Pie: (Goes back to her seat) Aw...
> he cried out in horror, "A savage from the EverFree Forest is
> trying to take over our city! That deadly Animal is already
> invading my store!"
Applejack: He wants to *buy things!* The horror!
>
> I sensed trouble and quickly made my escape through the window and
> out of the city itself.
Pinkie Pie: Supermare away!
>
> To Be Continued
>
> * A reference to "Pink Elephants on Parade" from Disney's Dumbo.
Applejack: Because everypony was worried about that elephant in the room.
>
> NOTE: That thing the Jackal said is the Arabic word for "Beware"
>
> C3: Temporary Pals
Rainbow Dash: You only get them for this mission. A DLC will unlock them later.
>
> It was already sunset and my wings were all worn out so I was
> walking, but however, I was walking in a very sad fashion.
Fluttershy: He has the "Can't find a place for his awesomeness" blues.
> Not only could I not find a place to call home, but I was also
> terribly lonesome. I couldn't seem to find a friend anywhere so I
> was all saggy and blue.
Twilight Sparkle: Man, I hate it when they palette swap Mary Sues.
>
> I began to sing out my sorrow as I walked up the tall mountain:
Rarity: Well, if you're going to stroke your ego.
Rainbow Dash: Go big or go home. And since he's not going home...
>
> There are times when your life is shattering and you then get lost
> When your colors start to fade away and you turn blue, oh what a
> cost
Rainbow Dash: You pay to be the boss.
> You're desperately searching for a place that you can call "home"
> And you also search for friends of any kind so you're not alone
> to rome Can somebody tell where I am?
Applejack: No, because you freaked out the guy selling you maps.
> Will I ever find a friend or two?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] That I won't want to eat?
> Will I ever find a place that accepts any species to live there?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe someplace that any species can befriend each other? Is not like you just came from someplace like that.
> Can somebody be my pal?
Pinkie Pie: Page 189.
> Where I will find such a place and Being?
Pinkie Pie: Page 37.
> I have no clue Will I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart?
Pinkie Pie: Page 98. All this and more in Dianetics.
> So I must prepare There have been times when my soul was filled
> with great doubt For one thing; Gabbagon, my home area, almost
> kicked me out
Rarity: So to keep the satisfaction from them, he left!
> But in the end, I will hopefully find the one place I truelly
> belong and should never go "Never judge a book by its cover and
> background",
Applejack: Why do I feel like this is one lesson somepony didn’t learn?
> is what this place should know Can somebody tell where I am?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Maybe if I went to a map store... oh, wait. Dammit.
> Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a place that
> accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my pal? Where I
> will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will I ever feel
> happiness bloom inside my heart?
Twilight Sparkle: All these questions will be answered in the exciting conclusion, next week! Same Batpony time, same Batpony channel!
> So I must prepare (In Gabbagonian language):Can somebody tell
> where I am? Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a
> place that accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my
> pal? Where I will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will
> I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart?
Twilight Sparkle: All these questions will... Wait, did we just go through a time vortex?
Rarity: Something so nice it gets said twice.
Applejack: So why does this get repeated?
Rarity: ... I don't know.
> So I must prepare (In Gabbagonian language):Can somebody tell
> where I am? Will I ever find a friend or two? Will I ever find a
> place that accepts any species to live there? Can somebody be my
> pal? Where I will find such a place and Being? I have no clue Will
> I ever feel happiness bloom inside my heart? So I must prepare
Rarity: And let's do it a third time to drive it home!
Fluttershy: I'm sure this won't be on my iHoof.
>
> I then happened to notice a town called Hoofington, just down the
> mountain I had climbed up.
Fluttershy: Soon... Soon... Mwhahahahaha!
Applejack: Looks like Sheboygan, smells like Milwaukee.
> I didn't even bother to go down there because I was expecting the
> same thing Fillydelphia did to me, treat me, an Animal from the
> EverFree Forest, like a Monster.
Twilight Sparkle: From what I hear, the most danger comes from the crazy-ass, drunk security mare running around near there.
> I just sat on the cliff I was currently on, staring at the sunset
> and Hoofington sadness.
Pinkie Pie: The town mourns as a whole whenever someone hits a pothole.
>
> From nearby, a mother Marmot and her babies were out foraging for
> food. One of the babies noticed me lying down with my sad eyes
> staring out at the landscape below the mountain.
Fluttershy: [Marmot] Hey, easy pickin's!
> It tried offering me a piece of Lichen to eat, but I did not
> respond.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, someone's trying to be your friend and... nothing from you?
Rarity: Irony: You're soaking in it.
> For you see, I was mostly missing my old home and family; knowing
> I could never return.
Pinkie Pie: The late fees at the library were enormous.
> I was also sad about having no home at all and no friends
> at all either, so I sort of did not notice my own hunger and
> thirst.
Fluttershy: And thus, Griffy died. The end.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Applejack: Hmmm, maybe we should put a gate in that fen~
Rainbow Dash: Will you stop it with the fence?
>
> That's when I smelt something delicious, coming from down the
> other side of the mountain.
Applejack: Now it smells like Sheboygan!
> I flew down that opposite side to find where that delicious aroma
> was coming from, only to crash-land into some dense Trees lining
> the mountain's base.
Pinkie Pie: *Whoop whoop* Pull up. Impact imminent. *whoop whoop*
Rainbow Dash: See, that's what you get when you fly under instruments only.
>
> That's when I spotted where the smell was coming from. I looked
> down the Tree I was in and there it was.
Twilight Sparkle: A Starbucks. Those things ARE everywhere.
> Sitting there, around a campfire, were a green-colored male
> Unicorn Pony and a gray-colored male Earth Pony, roasting Potatoes
> on long sticks.
Applejack: They already boiled, mashed, and stuck them in a stew.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fluttershy: Caterpillar!
>
> I swooped down there, introduced myself as well as find out the
> Ponies' names. The Unicorn Pony was named Digger (smart, but not
> that strong) and the Earth Pony was named Chop (an idiot, but
> strong).
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy, low tone] Helloooo...
Rarity: [Digger, higher] Hellooooooo...
Pinkie Pie: [Chop, even higher] Helloooooooooo...
All three: [together] Hello!
Pinkie Pie: Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
>
> "So Griffy", said Chop, "Are you here to tell us that we need
> hobbies?"
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] No, but can I tell you of the awesomeness that is me?
>
> "Don't mind him", said Digger, "He's a good stallion, but not
> really big on brains if you know what I mean"
>
> "I've known fellows like that", I replied to Digger.
Applejack: He sees him in the mirror everyday.
>
> The two told me that they were just homeless guys living in the
> woods. They also told me about the strange markings on a Pony's
> flanks, in which are known as "Cutie Marks" (Chop's Cutie Mark
> was an axe and Digger's was a shovel).
Rarity: [Chop] I kill the ponies.
Pinkie Pie: [Digger] And I bury the bodies.
Both: The perfect team!
>
> I then tried to ask them if they wanted to join me in my journey
> to find a new home, but they assured me that they were perfectly
> comfortable where they were already.
Rainbow Dash: Home is where your rump rests.
>
> "Are you sure you don't want to join me on my quest for a new home
> and friends?" I asked, trying to hold my tears of sorrow in.
Twilight Sparkle: Urge to point out and urge to strangle Griffy conflicting each other...
>
> "We're positive", said Digger, "We like it here in this mountain
> forest near Hoofington, don't we Chop?"
>
> "Yeah", replied Chop, "Wait, what are we talking about again?"
Applejack: Must’ve gotten into Griffy’s stash.
Pinkie Pie: [Chop] Duuuuude... Colors...
>
> I then made a very sad-sounding sigh walked back into the dark of
> the mountain forest.
Rarity: Not enough facehoofing will help right now.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So I left the mountain forest and returned to the open green
> fields, trekking on into the lonely night, so sad deep in my
> heart.
Twilight Sparkle: There's no one left to call, and the writing's on the wall.
> I then decided to take refuge somewhere for the night, but where?
Applejack: I heard the Y's open.
> That's when I spotted a large-sized, leaf-shaped boulder.
Fluttershy: Finally I can have my Pansage evolve into Simisage.
> I crawled underneath it and I began to fall asleep with tears
> sadness running down my face.
Rainbow Dash: And Linkin Park playing in the background.
>
> That's when I realized that I hardly could fall asleep, due to me
> being in an uncomfortable place to doze off. However it may have
> been both that and my sorrow combined that was keeping me awake
> for most of the first part of the night.
Pinkie Pie: Or those five cups of coffee.
>
> "Why can't I find a nice bed of leaves or something", I said out
> loud in a both tired and sad voice,
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I almost wish I was near a forest.
> "What would also really comfort me would be a friend or two. I
> don't care if they'd be guys or gals, nor if they're my species or
> not"
Fluttershy: So he wants a pet.
>
> That's when I started to think about Chop and Digger, would they
> ever find true happiness or what?
Rarity: They seemed already happy, so maybe they already did.
Rainbow Dash: Nonsense! They're not friends with Griffy, so it's a false happiness.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> NOTE: You will be seeing Chop and Digger again in a future story.
Applejack: No one can escape.
>
> C4: Escaping Cloudsdale
Rainbow Dash: Only if you're Snake.
>
> The next morning, I woke up to feel thundering vibrations
> approaching me.
Rarity: Stupid ricerz blasting trance.
> I looked out from under the rock I had been sleeping underneath
> and spotted a herd of Elephants joined by a herd of Water Buffalo
> marching past. I clearly knew not to leave my shelter just yet,
> for I knew I might get smushed or might accidently cause a
> stampede.
Twilight Sparkle: Or you may still be trippin' balls from Manehatten.
>
> As soon as the herd passed, I flew high into the sky to go hunt
> for some small Passerine Birds for breakfast.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> After I had caught some little Finches, I happened to glance at a
> strange-looking city in the clouds.
>
> "Could this be the place for me?" I thought to myself.
Rainbow Dash: If you don't mind Lando screwing you over.
>
> As I approached, I noticed the city's name on the main entrance
> gate, "Cloudsdale" the sign said.
Rainbow Dash: Welcome to Cloudsdale!
Pinkie Pie: I like swords.
>
> I noticed that the entire population was Pegasus Ponies.
Rainbow Dash: Ve are the master race. You vill bow!
> I took note that they could walk on clouds (rather odd physically
> speaking).
Applejack: [Griffy] ... Okay, what ever I got in Manehatten? It’s truly wicked stuff.
> I decided that maybe Griffins possibly have the same ability for
> I had seen Giant Griffins (the larger, more well-known variety
> of Griffin) walk on these puffs of steamy water before.
Rarity: (sarcastic) Oh, you mean someone from the same species can do the same thing?
>
> I was both suprised and amazed when found I had the cloud-walking
> ability as soon as stepped on one of the clouds. I was, at first
> fearing that I might fall through.
Rainbow Dash: And when they least suspect it, you pull the newbie through the cloud, scaring the hay out of them.
Fluttershy: .... That was you?!
Rainbow Dash: ... Whoops.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rarity: Dead ponies tell no tales.
Twilight Sparkle: (Counting) That's an odd number of x's.
Rarity: ... One was a cyclops.
>
> As I toured myself around this cloud-made city in the clouds, I
> caught sight of what had to be the most unnatural thing I had ever
> seen outside the EverFree Forest:
Applejack: Indoor plumbing.
> the Weather Factory! It was just to unnatural for me to even look
> at so I decided to check out a nearby newspaper stand.
>
> I went over to the newspaper stand and bought one of my favorite
> magazine/newspaper things to read, Equestria Daily.
Pinkie Pie: “Seth late with late sports edition, ponies call for head.”
Rarity: “New Petitions Against Tax.” Again?
>
> I found out about these very famous team of Pegusi called the
> Wonderbolts and while reading about their stunts and everything,
Rainbow Dash: "Wonderbolts Wow Crowd at Annual Sea & Pegasus Pony Show!"
Twilight Sparkle: "Wonderbolts Cheer Up Fillies for Make-a-Wish Foundation!"
Fluttershy: "Wonderbolt Soarin Caught in Sexual Tryst with an Apple Pie!"
> I found them pretty cool and thought what life would be like if a
> non-Pony Creature joined this celebrity team.
Applejack: Seeing as how the rest of the ponies are acting, joining the team probably involves a lynching.
> I imagined myself in a Wonderbolt outfit, flying through the air
> with the team.
Rainbow Dash: Griffy? In a skin tight outfit? Bad image!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rarity: Arrr, there be plenty booty here.
>
> Just as I was done reading the magazine, some serious-looking Pony
> authorities swooped over to me looking at very suspiciously.
Applejack: [Guard] Son, do you know that treating a store like a library is a felony?
>
> "Who and what are you sir?", asked one the male authorities in a
> very curious/serious tone.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I'm an officer and I'm not very griffin, drunk.
>
> "Griffy, the Pygmy Griffin", I answered.
>
> "Hhhhmmmm...", pondered another one of the Ponies to himself.
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] I can't memorize a whole opera in Yiddish.
>
> "Are you here to attend to Flight School? Because we also accept
> other species into our classes", the pondering authority said to
> me.
Rainbow Dash: You'll have to pay the out of district fee.
>
> "Actually, I'm looking for a place to live. You see, I come from
> the EverFree Forest and...", I stopped myself right there,
> realizing that I had blown my safety amongst these Ponies by
> mentioning my homeland outloud.
Applejack: Your brain should run faster than your mouth.
>
> The authorities sounded out an alarm on their whistles and
> everpony was in panic.
Twilight Sparkle: What, is mentioning Everfree Forest like saying bomb around a peg... (Notices Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash on top of the backrests of their seat, looking somewhat scared) *sigh* There's no bomb dammit. (Both climb down.)
Rainbow Dash: Right. I knew that.
>
> "You are not going to plague us with your bad luck, Beast!",
> yelled one of the female authorities at me.
Rarity: I have two tickets on the Powerball and you are not ruining my chances!
>
> I was frightened, I tried flying higher to get away from them as
> they were on my tail. I suddenly started to lose my stamina as I
> got higher and higher, probably because I was loosing oxygen
Pinkie Pie: [Lloyd Bridges] By this time, my lungs were aching for air.
> and the gravity was hurting me like mad.
Twilight Sparkle: Gravity is what makes you hurt. Not the strenuous workout from flying quickly straight up, but gravity.
Fluttershy: Watch out, he's stalling!
>
> So I then lost contiousness and started to plummet back down to
> the ground. Luckily, I survived the fall, for I had just then
> landed right on a soft pile of leaves.
Pinkie Pie: And the group of cops on his tail.
Twilight Sparkle: Let's see... if he fell from the height of the highest record flight, he just fell over 69 miles.
Rainbow Dash: So feathery red paste?
Twilight Sparkle: Unless the leaf pile was *at least* 50 feet high, then yes, paste.
>What an unbelievable stroke of luck!
Rarity: What a twist! ... Wait, no it's not.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C5: Meeting Monkeys
Applejack: Bring a hammer.
>
> I finally regained my conciousness after being out cold for a few
> hours. I then seemed to notice that I had crashed into a
> mysterious tropical jungle.
Rarity: [Guard] No, you're in the slammer son.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] ... These drugs I got in Manehatten are AWESOME. I didn’t feel a thing!
> I truthfully had no idea where I was but I decided to just deal
> with it.
Rainbow Dash: (Putting on her shades) Damned straight.
>
> I suddenly heard a strange-sounding tune being played high in the
> Treetops.
Fluttershy: What's this about a 'lion sleeps tonight?'
> I wanted to fly up and investigate, but my wings were too week to
> even flap. I had no choice but to climb the Trees.
Applejack: If a cat can do it, and you're half cat, then you should be able to do it half-assed.
>
> When I had reached the middle story, I saw what looked like a
> giant hive made of vines. The "hive" was probably about 14 feet
> tall and 6 feet wide. I peeked through a little crack on the side
> and saw these very odd-looking Monkeys with feather head dresses
> and playing drums and flutes.
Rainbow Dash: Best trip ever.
> One of the female Monkeys spotted me peeking, raced over
> and yanked me into the hive-like structure.
Pinkie Pie: We've got monkeys?
Fluttershy: Oh yes! They really like spankings for some odd reason...
Twilight Sparkle: Flutt~... Never mind, don't want to know.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pinkie Pie: All right, let's get this accordion closed.
>
> "Look!", she cried out to the other Monkeys (in which I found out
> their species name eventually, which is Ritual Monkey).
>
> "I found a Bird-Mammal thing! Shall we sacrifise it to prove
> ourselves worthy?", she asked. I got very worried at hearing what
> she said.
Rarity: Please? Oh please do...
Applejack: [monkey] We must make certain that this year's crops are bountiful!
>
> "No", replied the eldest male Ritual Monkey.
Twilight Sparkle: [elder monkey] Such a sacrifice would PISS OFF our gods.
>
> "It would seem that this Creature may be lost and is looking for
> help", he continued.
Fluttershy: [elder monkey] Now we turn this into an intervention.
>
> "Amazing!", I said outloud in amazment, "I-I-It's like you can
> r-read my mind".
Twilight Sparkle: [elder monkey] No, we've encountered many a Sue before, ritually spanking their own e-monkey.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pinkie Pie: Wrong way with the accordion!
>
> I then sat around with the Ritual Monkeys, gossiping about my
> journey for a new home so far;
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Awesome awesome awesome. Oh, did I mention AWESOME.
> while eating fruit and Tree-dwelling Invertebrates. The female
> who yanked me in constantly kept an eye on me, thinking I might
> do something bad to her troop.
Applejack: [female monkey] C'mon, do something. Give me a reason to fling my poop.
> I even learned a bit about their way of life. For example, how
> they often will use the stars at night to navigate.
Fluttershy: Being apparently sea monkeys.
> I asked if they could show me it right then, but they reminded me
> that it was still daytime outside.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, it's a star!
>
> "Do you mind if you actually not call us Ritual Monkeys?", they
> asked me while we sat around.
>
> "How come?", I asked.
Rarity: Brings up too many things with 'other' rituals involving monkeys.
>
> "It is not what we call ourselves", they said, "We prefer to be
> called Jikooba,
Pinkie Pie: Gesundheit.
>that's what we call ourselves"
Twilight Sparkle: We don't like to be called what others call us, we like to be called what we calls us. Which is nothing like what others call us.
>
> "Jikooba?", I said, "Somehow, that reminds me of home"
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> I then noticed the eldest male Jikooba talking with the female
> Jikooba about something and she looked far from convinced.
Applejack: [female monkey] I don't remember buying a lottery ticket in Kenya.
> At the time, I had know clue what they were saying because I
> don't speak Jikooba.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Hey, can you translate to another made-up language?
>
> "Can you guys acutally help me out with my problem?", I asked
> them.
Fluttershy: Since this is fluff, probably not.
>
> "Very well", said the elder male. He then anounced to the rest of
> the troop something important in their language.
Twilight Sparkle: Translation: I'm gonna screw with this guy. Give me a hand.
>
> That's when the Monkeys then started a new type of cermony for me.
> All the Jikooba got out their instruments and starting humming.
>
> "Close your eyes", said the elder male.
Rarity: He won't see the knife coming.
>
> As I did as he told me to do, they all started to play music with
> their instruments and humming.
Rainbow Dash: {deadpan} Inagaddavita honey. Don’t you know that I got you.
> There was then a relaxing-sounding tune alround of drums, flutes,
> violin-like instruments and humming.
Pinkie Pie: This is how muzak is made.
> The elderly male placed his hand on my forehead and chanted a
> small tune about searching deep inside myself. I could feel
> something strange happening within me. It was almost like
> something was trying to get free.
Twilight Sparkle: Alien eggs?
> I could tell it was a sudden realizing feeling deep down.
Rainbow Dash: Gas.
>
> "I have it!", cried the old Monkey.
Fluttershy: We're going to need a doll to help show us what happened, aren't we?
>
> "You wish to stay in a place that accepts you for who you really
> are", he continued. I opened my eyes and nodded in agreement.
Pinkie Pie: There's this bar in Boston that might work.
>
> "Sorry, but you cannot stay with us", he said sadly.
>
> "Why not?", I asked.
Rarity: [elder monkey] Because we're not idiots.
>
> "That female who pulled you in here, my daughter, she belives that
> you are a Being from an evil realm", he explained, "She and I
> discussed this before this ceremony started"
Twilight Sparkle: They should wait until they cook him so they can tell if he's evil or just gamey.
>
> "Let me guess", I said with a bitter tone which then procceeded
> with sarcasm, "I'm just different", I said while doing the
> quotation marks with my digits (which you would see as Bird feet).
Rainbow Dash: Screw friends and home. I'm going to make a heat beam, called a "laser." Using these "lasers," I'll punch a hole in the protective layer around the planet, which scientists call the "Ozone Layer..."
>
> So then, without another word from the Monkeys, I just flew right
> out a window without saying another word to them all.
Rarity: [Griffy] Screw you bitches, I'm out.
>
> "That was totally pointless",
Twilight Sparkle: So is the majority of this fic so far.
> I thought to myself as I flew above the canopy, "Oh well, best I
> keep moving, I must find the perfect home, I must!"
Pinkie Pie: I must succeed!
>
> To Be Continued
(The safe door swings open)
Twilight Sparkle: What the...
Nightmare Moon: I have to let you out to use the bathroom and such. I'm evil, not sadistic.
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