OtterRiffs Non-Canon:
Revelations
Fillies and gentlecolts, we have a rare treat in store today.
It’s fairly common in fanfic for an author to have no idea how relationships and love work, but every so often there’s a fic that extends its ignorance to such a level that it inadvertently glorifies a horrific moral choice. Such a fic is dangerous land to the sane reader, and should not be undertaken lightly. Thankfully, Simon O’Sullivan offered his assistance!
And so, in a non-canon riff, we jointly present to you the story “Revelations.” I hope you hate it as much as we do.
It’s fairly common in fanfic for an author to have no idea how relationships and love work, but every so often there’s a fic that extends its ignorance to such a level that it inadvertently glorifies a horrific moral choice. Such a fic is dangerous land to the sane reader, and should not be undertaken lightly. Thankfully, Simon O’Sullivan offered his assistance!
And so, in a non-canon riff, we jointly present to you the story “Revelations.” I hope you hate it as much as we do.
Revelations
Matt: Oh, we are so not ready for this.
Simon: Oh, come on! It can’t be worse than some of the crazy things I’ve come across. Anyways, what do we have here?
Matt: Gary Stu. Gary Stu everywhere.
Simon: Oh, I know those ones. Met a few; horrible, all of them.
Matt: Well, I’ve been wondering if I’d ever get a chance to use this thing... *pulls an aluminum bat with “Death to Sues” engraved on it out from under his desk*
Simon: (taps his axe on his chain shirt) We’re not letting this shit fly, aren’t we?
Matt: Of course not. Let’s go to work.
Terra took another swig from the punch bowl
Simon: I really picture the author having mispelled “swing” and imagining this Terra fighting a bowl full of clenched fists. I’ll pay to see that match.
Matt: He’s drinking straight from the punch bowl. Ye gods, he’s as bad as Berry Punch.
and poured it into his cup.
Matt: Seems backwards, but okay.
'I have work tomorrow damn it, why am up so late?' he thought,
Simon: That happened to me once during a self-imposed Doctor Who marathon. It was 5 am when I said “Okay, only two episodes to end this season; THEN I’ll go to sleep.”
Matt: That happened to me once, but I was asking myself “When did it become Friday?”
looking into the more than likely spiked drink.
Matt: The drink looked back at him and offered to send a letter to Celestia. GEDDIT?!?! o_o
'I guess I know damn why.'
Simon: “Because if I’m going to get fired anyway, it’s going to be for DAMN good reason!”
the slightly drunken, very angered part of his mind replied. He downed the fruity beverage in a second and stared at the center of his problems in the corner of the massive Pinkie party.
Matt: That phrasing always messes with me. I just imagine everypony in the room painted up like Pinkie with matching wigs and such. Being drunk in a room like that would be terrifying.
The most beautiful mare in all of Equestria (At least in his opinion)
Matt: Zecora?
Simon: I find it hard to choose between Cherry Jubilee and Ms. Peachbottom.
Matt: Difficult to call, for sure.
stood in the farthest reaches of the house,
Simon: A clear metaphor that shows that he’s not going to bone her.
Matt: In a well-written fic, yes. Here...
talking with her quite drunken coltfriend.
Matt: Enter the Strawman, mortal enemy of the Sue.
Her Lavender coat contrasted in an almost ethereal beauty with her jet-black hair, and her voice, whatever he could pick up over the din of the music, was as melodious as a songbird's.
Simon: Lavender coat, black hair? I can’t recall anypony with that pattern.
Matt: Now that you mention it... Me neither.
In all the times he had met his next door neighbor, she had seemed like an loving, caring pony who got along with everybody.
Matt: Creeper. At least my neighbors are never around.
Indeed, Twilight Sparkle was one of the dwindling examples of a pony with a heart of gold.
Simon: Wait, when did Twilight dyed her mane black?
Matt: This is her alter-ego, Emo Sparkle. Heart of gold, soul of angst.
Her Coltfriend, however, was nowhere near.
Matt: I mean, she’s only standing with him.
Simon: Wait wait wait, how can the coltfriend be nowhere near if she’s TALKING to him?
Matt: I think the author has a similar relationship with time and space that the Doctor does.
Terra hadn't liked Sour Grapes since the moment he had met him.
Matt: I just noticed that “not liking Sour Grapes” is MASSIVELY ironic.
Simon: The author gave him a name for us to hate him. It makes it easy, like calling a pony that you’re supposed to hate something like “Basement Dweller” or “Kidney Stone”. You CAN’T be friends with a character called Kidney Stone.
Matt: “Sergeant Babyrapist”
Simon: That’s the way authors have to say “I’m going to save myself from writing thousands of words to make readers hate this character for a good reason.”
He and Twilight had started dating a few months back, and in almost all of the times Terra had seen him, he was either drunk or in a bad mood, and in many instances, both.
Simon: No reason for the relationship? Nothing about what Twilight saw in him to start dating him? Okay.
Matt: ♫ Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP... ♫
Terra's house didn't have much room between Twilight's, so he could hear some of the arguments that went over there.
Matt: Not to mention all the countless, countless sessions of love-making that made him feel inadequate as a male.
Simon: Probably masturbating while picturing himself in Sour Grape’s place.
Sour was a horrible Coltfriend, mainly using Twilight for money or as a verbal punching bag.
Simon: Twilight being the pony version of Raistlin, I can’t picture her being on the receiving end of an abusive relationship without the other pony being disintegrated shortly after it starts getting bad.
Matt: Drugs must have been involved.
Simon: And a lot of make up angry sex.
Matt: Dunno about the angry part, but the make-up part is niiiiiiiice...
Terra hated him to the core, more than anything, he would love to beat the living crap out of the guy and throw the rest in a volcano.
Matt: Real-life Internet Tough Guy! He forgets that ponies kick like crazy. One buck and he’s dead.
He took another sip of the punch and uttered a low growl as he saw Sour Grapes, for the third time tonight, started yelling at Twilight.
Simon: It’s amazing how, in the middle of a party, nopony seems to give a fuck at the fact that NOPONY defends Twilight, having so many friends and being, you know, Celestia’s personal student. I know that might not be a well-known fact outside of Canterlot, but... you know, her friends don’t try to help her at all.
Something seemed different about him this time though,
Matt: Well he was yelling in Latvian, which was new.
he seemed even more agitated than usual, almost screaming at Twilight about whatever he was so worked up about.
Matt: His yelling was almost screaming. Good to know.
Terra didn't like the way he was suddenly backing Twilight into the corner, so he set down his glass and moved through the teeming throngs of drunken partiers towards the 'couple'.
Matt: Wait, I know this. I think it’s called “Dumbass in Distress Syndrome.” A previously utterly powerful and competent character suddenly and inexplicably becomes too stupid to protect (often) herself.
And that's when he hit her, a full right hook that sent Twilight to the ground.
In public.
In front of everybody.
Simon: And I can’t emphasize enough the fact that nopony gives a fuck about what’s going on.
Matt: It got more notice before Pinkie started that Fight Club. Now it’s pretty commonplace, actually.
In front of HIM DAMMIT!
Simon: Because if you’re not there it’s okay for Twilight to get beaten up. Good to know.
Everypony's got a breaking point. Some have a stress related breaking point, others have a pain related breaking point. He however, had an injustice breaking point.
Matt: Could he be any more noble, people?
Simon: We went full vigilante after that.
And right there, right then, it snapped like a dry twig.
Matt: Along with our suspension of disbelief.
He started sprinting through the crowd,
Simon: Running over everypony, spilling their drinks and all.
his mind only having one goal, one unified thought through his slightly drunken head...
'Kill, maim, flatten, destroy, pulverize, ANNIHILATE!'
Matt: Crush, kill, destroy, ANGST.
Simon: Also known as “look at how much vocabulary I know!”
Matt: Somebody knows where thesaurus.com is.
Before he got near Sour Grapes, he shouted over the din of the party, "Oy!"
Simon: Well, looks like he isn’t good at punchlines. I would’ve jumped towards him screaming “Yippie Kayey, motherfucker!” while throwing a glass full of punch to his face.
Matt: I’m not good at one-liners either. I tend to just punch people without preamble. Safer that way.
Simon: And they don’t see it coming. A good idea.
Matt: Well, I don’t have a huge, fuck-off axe like you do.
Sour Grapes swiveled his head towards the sound just in time to see him bolt out from the crowd at top speed,
Simon: If Terra’s able to reach him without having to dodge anypony, I can say that was one of Pinkie’s lamest parties.
Matt: He was SO MAD that the crowds parted like the Red Sea. Such is the power of the Sue.
eyes filled with fire and brimstone.
Matt: I bet somepony’s got some eyedrops for that.
His eyes widened as he tried to run for an exit...
Too late.
He barreled into him at what felt like 100 miles per hour,
Simon: The Doctor and I like to discuss about the implausibilities and hilarity of this uses of the “rule of cool.”
sending Him and Sour Grapes through a window into the hard dirt outside the house.
Slowly, Terra stood on his hind legs, barring his fore-hooves like a MMA fighter.
Matt: Using Words You Don’t Know: The Movie
"Get up you Son of a bitch!" he shouted.
Matt: Ooh, profanity! If this guy were any edgier, I’d cut myself!
Simon: I love that random capitalization.
Sour stood and got his first glimpse of his attacker, tan coat, black mane, piercing green eyes, Hacksaw cutting wood for a cutie mark...
Simon: ♫Heee’s a lumberjack and he’s oookay; he sleeps all night and he works all day♫
Sour smiled, "Oh, if it isn't the neighbor, come to be the night in shining armor."
Matt: Oh wow. “The night in shining armor” just sounds filthy. I bet Twilight has something to say about ponies spending the night in her brother.
Simon: Sounds like one of Batman’s first rejected suits.
Matt: “The Bling Knight” just didn’t work as well.
Terra gave a little chuckle, "Chivalry ain't quite dead, y'know." he made a show of cracking his hooves, "Now are you gonna stand there like an ass or die like a stallion?"
Simon: What do ponies have against donkeys on the show?
Sour Grapes had him by around a foot,
Matt: Which for some reason, is the unit of measurement in a land where feet don’t exist, but whatever.
and he was built like the Pony Hulk himself.
Simon: If this were a fair fic, Terra would get his ass served.
He was also about as angry, leading to him charging like a insane bull at Terra.
Matt: Okay, this is really starting to bug the hell out of me. Why is he named that? “Terra” means “land,” and his mark clearly indicates that trees are his specialty, not the ground.
Simon: Maybe he’s called like that because he spent most of the time picking fights he couldn’t win and ended lying on the ground most of the time.
Matt: I like that explanation very much, if only because it’s more interesting than “The author was too lazy too look up the Latin for ‘wood.’”
Although that was nothing compared to a drunken and enraged former Royal Guard.
Simon: All of a sudden, he IS a former Royal Guard, making him possibly old as fuck, and probably making his love for Twilight much creepier.
Matt: Maybe he really was intimate with Twilight’s brother... Yeah, this is getting creepy fast.
At the last second, Terra sidestepped and swung his right foreleg in a haymaker,
Simon: I’m afraid I’m not well-versed in pony fistfighting, so I have no idea what the fuck’s going on here.
Matt: I have to admit, I think this use of “haymaker” would be a brilliant bit of irony, but I have no illusions that the author did it on purpose.
which connected squarely with Sour's muzzle, a quiet snap signaling it's fracture. The effect was instant, flipping Sour onto his back and sending him skidding feet first into the side of the building.
Simon: Demolition time!
As Terra turned and walked towards where he had slammed into the wall, he said, "Y'know what I can't stand?"
Matt: “The Dutch.”
he made it to the injured earth pony, who was moaning and cursing In pain. Terra picked him up by the collarbone and made him stare straight into his eyes, "I can't stand people like YOU."
Matt: “I can’t stand people who are actually ponies.” Keep the terminology straight, dude.
he put as much hate and rage into that word as possible, almost growling it out. A Bipolar Timberwolf couldn't have pulled off that murderous of a voice.
Simon: That’s one of the craziest comparisons ever. How do you know a timberwolf suffers from bipolar syndrome in the first place?
Matt: That’s a terrifying thought.
Then he sank his left hoof into Sour's stomach.
Matt: He struck with such force that it went straight through his skin. Eww.
Sour screamed again, then tried to hit him with his right foreleg. Terra caught the weakened punch, and with a great twist, dislocated the shoulder-plate.
Simon: When did he say that the pony was wearing armor?
Another scream shattered the night, and Terra slammed him against the wall, further aggravating his injury.
Matt: Yeah, this dude would be curled in the corner whimpering and being kicked in the head in ten seconds flat in the real world.
Simon: And we know that Terra should go straight to prison after this.
Matt: Aren’t fantasies wonderful?
"You have the most Beautiful,
Simon: I have to disagree, but I don’t want this drunken ex Royal Guard to kick me in the balls for saying the opposite.
Matt: Nothing wrong with that.
most intelligent, most caring mare on the planet, and what do you do? YOU. TREAT. HER. LIKE. SHIT!" with every word, he slammed his hoof into Sour's Solar Plexus.
Simon: MORE random capitalization!
Sour's screams and curses dropped to cries and pleading, upon which Terra screamed, "MERCY?! You think you deserve MERCY after all you've done?! You pathetic Jackass!" Terra aimed his next punch for his windpipe, ready to end his miserable life with a hard strike,
Simon: He’s going to KILL HIM!? Damn, the level of apathy in this fic is amazing.
Matt: Hmmm... Don’t remember the [Dark] tag on this one.
A wave of White Noise subduing any form of compassionate thought,
Matt: White Noise is an awesome pony metal band. They do tend to drown out your ability to think, though.
"Why, I oughta..."
"STOOOOOOPP!"
Simon: FINALLY somepony’s going to intervene!
The cracked feminine voice pulled him back to reality immediately. He turned his head to see that the entire party had come outside to watch.
Matt: They didn’t actually care, but Pinkie’s party was really boring.
Simon: Hey, no wonder how EVERYONE stood around a couple kids fighting at the playground. Fights are the shit. Those were boring as hell, though, but was still novelty.
And Twilight Sparkle was at their forefront, tears rolling down her face like twin waterfalls.
Matt: Remember this reaction, people. The whiplash mood swing will be all the sweeter later on.
Terra looked back at Sour Grapes. The bruised, mangled pony was crying and with a hoarse voice begging for his life. He looked at his free foreleg, still cocked back, waiting to fly forward and crush the stallion's windpipe.
Matt: Seriously, he might as well. They practically have to put Sour Grapes down by this point anyway, and in any logical system Terra would already be headed to prison. Might as well get your money’s worth.
Horror overwhelmed the anger as he realized what he had just about done. He dropped the mangled stallion and backed up, eyes wide as saucers.
Simon: So his eyes were alien spaceships? I want to know more about this.
He looked back to the disturbed mare, eyes looking into his with hurt and confusion.
"I-I-I'm sorry..." Terra said, continuing to back up. "I'm so, so sorry..."
Simon: Considering how furiously you fought, I don’t think you are.
Then he turned around and ran through an alleyway, disappearing just as an ambulance arrived.
Matt: Ambulance. Wat.
Simon: I... can’t even either. I know about fast interventions, but DAMN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Drink?
Terra sat on his modest couch,
Matt: In prison, right?
a half-empty bottle of Stalliongrad Vodka in his hoof,
Simon: Because you can take sympathy on a violent pony if he has a drinking problem.
Matt: And that drinking problem will DEFINITELY help prevent future violent outbreaks.
and waited for the inevitable.
Matt: Luna had the most adorable little hangman’s hood she was looking forward to using.
He didn't have to wait long.
Matt: He must have been imprisoned in Texas.
A knock on the door announced his expected company, probably a couple police officers with rapid-fire crossbows.
Matt: DA. FUQ.
Simon: Well, at least they’re not using Gauss rifles, but yeah, that’s quite some mindfuck we have here.
He laughed, 'With my luck, Discord himself will be waiting to personally send me to hell...'
Simon: At least you have some sense of humor. And it’s Tartarus, but not that it matters.
He set down the bottle, trotted to the door, and opened it with a flick of his hoof. Terra held out his hooves, eyes closed, to his guests.
"Slap on the irons boys, I know my rights." he said, defeat lacing his words.
"I'm not here to arrest you Terra."
Matt: What the actual fuck. Seriously.
His eyes shot open, revealing a very red-eyed Twilight standing before him alone. No police, no SWAT team,
Simon: They have SWAT teams in Equestria?
Matt: I’m WAY more concerned with the fact that this story apparently has no morality whatsoever.
definitely not Discord, just a shaken mare at his door.
Simon: A mare whose coltfriend you JUST beat the crap out of in front of her, who’s also one of the most powerful spellcasters in Equestria. He’s several levels of fucked.
He would've preferred Discord.
Matt: After “Keep Calm and Flutter On,” I’d prefer the meteor.
In a very confused and shocked voice, Terra mumbled, "Come on in, I guess..."
She walked into the Spartan-style living room
Matt: What? It was decorated in animal skins, marble columns, and had weapons lying around everywhere? I mean, the lack of clothing sort of works, but still...
and sat down across from Terra on a reclining chair. Terra sat down on the couch, head hung low, shoving the Vodka bottle away. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it sober.
Simon: You were drinking that shit mere moments ago. You CAN’T sober up at will!
Matt: I’ve seen Sue characters, but a Sue liver is new.
They sat in silence for a minute, the only real sounds were of their breathing and the crickets outside. Then he asked, "How's Spike liking the bed I built for him?"
Simon: When did this happen and why should I care about woodworking right now?
Matt: “Oh, I burned that after I realized the pony who built it was a PSYCHOTIC VIOLENT DRUNK!”
"He loves it, it really helped him get over the insomnia." she said, trying to look him in the eye.
Simon: I really think that he should’ve got him a new mattress. I don’t think the make things for dragons in Ponyville, though.
Every time she tried though, Terra would shift his eyes away, refusing to make the connection. In all the years Twilight had known the carpenter, Terra had always been a shy person.
Simon: So he was a rule 63 version of Fluttershy with drinking problem. And considering he just beat the crap out of somepony, shy my balls.
It had taken months for her to start up conversations with him without him scampering back inside his house.
Matt: Scampering. Why don’t you just break the mood over your knee, story?
He would always keep his head low, eyes averted...
Simon: He tried to get a role in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but they weren’t hiring.
Matt: Subtle. Nice.
Just like he was doing now.
Matt: Because he’s all remorseful and shit! It makes everything okay!
He started, "Look... I'm real sorry, 'bout what I did back there. It was real selfish, I was only thinking 'bout myself.
Simon: Well, if you were trying to protect her from an abusive relationship, that’s not being selfish.
Matt: Maybe you should think about apologizing TO THE COURTS INSTEAD.
I shouldn't've gone and done that, and I definitely shouldn't've let it go that far. I would understand if you wanted to sue me for all I got,
Simon: Don’t worry, I’m sure Sour Grapes will do that instead.
or just kill me right now." he looked back at the bottle on the table. It sure was looking rather tempting right about now...
Matt: SO. MUCH. WAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNGST.
"Like I said before, I'm not here to arrest you, and I'm certainly not going to kill you." she said, her voice ringing with concern.
Simon: Well, I hope laws aren’t like this in Equestria. Or that this doesn’t start a trend about it.
That got his attention, he looked up and finally locked his eyes with hers, Emerald eyes full of newfound confusion,
Matt: Why is Emerald capitalized? Why are her eyes green to begin with?
Simon: Has the author watched the show BEFORE writing this?
"Why then? I just about killed your Coltfriend, I doubt you want to sit down for coffee and doughnuts."
Matt: Again with the random capitals. Maybe he’s sponsored by his shift key and he gets paid for it.
Simon: Coltfriend might be an honorary title.
She twitched a little bit when he said 'Coltfriend', but lowered her head, "I'm actually here to thank you."
Matt: Aaaaaaaand that “woosh” sound you just heard was logic ejecting from this story.
Simon: Remember, kids. If you see injustice, punch it in the face! It’ll never backfire! Start your superhero career!
Matt: *small print commercial voice* Offer not valid in Utah, California, Earth, or anywhere that has a sense of justice or common sense.
Terra's eyes widened, "Beg pardon?" Twilight didn't respond, her mane had drooped down to cover her face like a veil. "Twilight?"
Simon: This story is making it hard for me to not hate it.
Twilight surprised him when she jumped out of the chair and into his hooves.
Matt: She’s a facehugger! Get the crowbar!
She put her face into the crook of his neck...
Simon: She has a thief living in her neck?
And cried.
Matt: Because why not. It only took her a day or so.
He was in shock. The situation was completely different from the one he had imagined.
Simon: Once you think about the worst possible scenario, you clearly find any result different from that one quite positive.
He had imagined crying, but he had thought it would be from him when she started pelting him with Fireballs.
Matt: I find it sad that the cast-off line of thought is the only one a sane reader could be expected to agree with.
Twilight sobbed, "When the police got there, I was about ready to lead them right to your door, I was so mad." she sniffed,
Simon: Then why didn’t she do it?
another of her tears plopping down on my shoulder,
Matt: “My?” The truth comes through! Terra actually is a blatant self-insert. *pantomimes blowing his own head off*
Simon: (grunts) Just what I needed.
"Then one of the officers recognized him. They relocated his shoulder on the spot, and then hoof-cuffed him."
Matt: Wat.
Simon: Huh?
Terra just held the sobbing mare, and murmured, "Why?"
She sniffed again, "They said he was a major drug dealer whose MO is dating rich mares to leech their money."
Simon: I... don’t picture Twilight as being... rich?
Matt: Or stupid. Or so oblivious that she couldn’t recognize somepony selling drugs out of her home.
He tried to lighten her mood, "I didn't realize rich mares lived in trees!"
Simon: This guy should literally try to perform stand up comedy in a bikers bar, if only to get killed on the spot. He’s awful.
She stopped crying, but kept her head buried in his shoulder, "I live with a dragon whose menu consists of fine jewels. He was probably after the stash."
Simon: Uh... actually, jewels are like sweets. It’s not the basic diet, just a treat from now and then.
It was silent for a moment, before she said, "I was such a foal for letting him dupe me like that." she lifted her head, gazing deep into his eyes, "Thank you so much!"
Simon: Just because this end up being the most convenient plot twist at this side of the Shyamalain universe, it doesn’t mean you’re getting away with almost killing a dude without consequences! Laws simply DON’T work that way!
Matt: Okay, okay, hold this shit up just a second. This guy was a known drug dealer, right? How the HELL does anypony get away with being a known anything? THEY HAVE CUTIE MARKS. THERE’S ALMOST LITERALLY NO WAY TO HIDE YOUR IDENTITY.
Simon: Not to mention all the “Wanted” posters, but yeah, I see your point.
Matt: *headdesks violently and repeatedly* GOD THE STUPID BURNS SO MUCH.
He was stunned. His brain had simply shut off when she looked at him, so he spoke the truth, "I-I don't know what to say..."
Matt: Neither do we, so that’s convenient.
She smiled, "Then don't say anything." she put her head forward and, without any warning, kissed him.
Simon: Because being a white knight actually does that. Keep dreaming, author. You might get lucky.
Matt: What we have here, people, is basically emotional rape. She’s broken, and vulnerable, and he doesn’t give a flying turd about it.
Simon: Even if Twilight’s the one who started the kiss?
Matt: Absolutely. This is COMPLETELY immoral. Part of being a grown man is knowing when things are right and wrong.
He was so shocked, he didn't react to it at first. Twilight broke the kiss, thinking that him not reacting was the purest form of rejection.
Simon: Being able to react to sudden shows of affection is vital to avoid getting into trouble.
She started crying again, no sobbing, just tears, "I should've known... You never really liked me..." she closed her eyes, "Nobody ever likes the nerdy librar..."
Matt: IS this Twilight? Black mane, green eyes, tolerates an obviously abusive relationship, suffers from extreme emotional issues after a traumatic experience that she does nothing to help or prevent, AND latches onto the nearest source of emotional support no matter how toxic it may be? If I didn’t know this was just a really, really shitty story, I’d be calling “changeling” about now.
He shut her up right there with a kiss of his own. His tongue wormed it's way into her open mouth,
Simon: Damn, the verb there makes the scene SO wrong in my eyes.
and Twilight moaned as his hooves moved to her back. His tongue met hers, an instant battle for dominance ensuing for control.
Simon: Fuck this mood swings! Twilight went from “bawww you don’t like me” to “I’m going to make you my bitch” so fast that I can’t even make up a joke! How crazy is that?
She groaned when he broke the lip lock and looked her straight in her beautiful violet eyes.
Matt: Make up your freaking mind, author!
"Twilight, you may be the 'nerdy librarian', but I, for one, Find that kind of cute." he craned his head to nuzzle her neck, "And I just have one thing to say to you, Miss Sparkle..." he planted a kiss right on her cheek...
"I love you. Always have, always will."
Simon: That doesn’t make it creepy or anything.
Their lips locked, and Terra picked Twilight up off the couch, and carried her upstairs. He awkwardly walked into his bedroom, lips never leaving hers.
Matt: From my understanding of pony anatomy, he’s levitating. Ponies can’t really walk on two legs, especially while carrying loads, Pinkie Pie notwithstanding.
With a final kick from his leg, the door slammed shut.
Matt: Aaaaand, now it turns into actual rape. Or it SHOULD BE. It basically is, morally speaking anyway.
Simon: And this still doesn’t make it a shipping record. I’ve seen them going even faster and making even LESS sense.
Matt: I pity you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Drink! Please!
Simon: Sure!
Terra awoke to the find a lavender head snuggled up next to his.
Simon: Someone told the author to throw random words he got during a Scattergories game. Thus, this sentences was born.
Matt: The mafia was here. They left the head of his horse in his bed next to him.
They were wrapped in a tight embrace,
Simon: The heads were wrapped in an embrace? Odd.
and he could feel her soft breath on his chest.
Matt: I know it’s a nice picture and everything, but I’ve been married for years, and it’s NOT easy to sleep that close to someone else, much less entwined.
Simon: Or in summer.
Matt: Especially then.
Terra smiled. It had all happened. It wasn't some figment of his imagination, some wild dream of a heavy heart.
It had been real.
Matt: If I imagine that Luna actually did execute him and everything after the first scene break is a vision of his own personal heaven, it becomes much more tolerable.
His gaze lowered to the raven-maned mare,
Simon: She still has black mane, for reasons that are never explained.
Matt: The emo is strong in this one.
sleeping as peacefully as an angel. She looked beautiful. He laid there for a while, just taking it all in.
The peaceful silence was broken when Twilight yawned, her amethyst eyes fluttering open slowly.
Matt: Jeez, how many eye colors does she have? Green, purple, and now red?
Simon: She’s probably using contact lenses. There are several colored ones.
Matt: And changing them while she sleeps? Sleeping in lenses isn’t comfortable either.
He gave her a kiss on the forehead, "Morning beautiful."
Simon: He speaks like a native American.
Matt: Morning beautiful. Food good. Grog hungry. Make much war against paleface.
Her cheeks turned beet red,
Simon: Beet red? The author must be a woman. I only know one “red” color. Red.
"... G-good morning." she snuggled up closer to him, "So does this... Does this make us...?"
"I would like it to." he said, rubbing his hoof gently up and down Twilight's back. "Would you?"
Matt: Well that was sudden.
Simon: … so, according to this story, fucking with somepony officially makes you that pony’s couple?
Matt: I suppose there is a certain logic to that, but I still can’t get over the fact that he took advantage of her that quickly.
Simon: Yeah, it reminds me of a law in Morocco. Not a pretty one.
She gave him a kiss, her lips connecting with almost electric force. They held the kiss for a few seconds, then reluctantly broke it.
"Does that answer your question?" she said seductively.
Matt: I know what the author is going for—it’s bad and he should feel bad—but when you have some experience with trauma and mental instability, this story is just horrific. Twilight is off her freaking rocker and has no idea what she’s doing.
Simon: I’d like to see how Twilight ends up regretting this decision.
Terra gasped as she slid onto his stallionhood, the lavender mare letting out a sigh of pleasure.
Matt: WOAH WOAH WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RATED? *looks* TEEN, YOU ASS!
Simon: So it’s true. Sometimes you simply can’t avoid porn because it’s incorrectly rated.
Matt: Urge. To. Kill. Rising...
He pulled her lips to his and kissed her, tongues dancing in their mouths.
Suffice to say, they spent the rest of the day in bed.
Simon: Probably playing chess. Twilight loves strategy games. I picture her like that.
~~~~~~4 months later~~~~~~~
Simon: That sex session was AMAZING!
Matt: *incoherent grumbles of rage*
Terra adjusted his tie again. As a Royal Guard, he'd come against many disturbing and evil creatures.
Matt: None of them compared to the horror that was himself.
He'd always met his foes with courage and discipline. Fear wasn't in his dictionary.
Matt: But violence was. Because real men kill things with their bare hands.
But right now, 'Scared Shitless' was.
Simon: I’m fearing he got Twilight pregnant.
Matt: I’ll murder something. I’ll have to.
Twilight came up behind him, quickly pecking him on the cheek, "Stop worrying so much! I'm sure you'll do fine."
He nodded weakly, looking around the library again, still amazed that one could live in a tree.
Matt: Even after years of living next to her? Jeez, this guy is something else.
His head was filled with questions, but he kept them in his head for later.
Someone knocked on their door, and Twilight walked out of the kitchen,
Simon: Twilight became the classical housewife of the 50s!
Matt: Make him a sandwich, bitch!
"I'll go get it!"
Terra wondered what her brother would be like. Would he like him? Would he be like Twilight, a unicorn gifted in the sense of magic?
Matt: Would he beat him to death for practically raping his sister?
Simon: Wait, if he was a Royal Guard, why doesn’t he know who his fucking Captain was? Then again, Twilight has a weird relationship with her brother, not talking about him until she found out he was marrying.
Matt: I think it’s more meta than that. He wonders what he’ll be like because it’s certain he’ll be wildly OOC.
He kept thinking to himself as Twilight walked back in with their guest.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw who it was.
Matt: Again, he knew Shining Armor was coming over. Wtf.
His old instincts kicked in, and he snapped off a quick salute, "Shining Armor, Sir!"
Both ponies looked confused, until Armor grinned, "At ease Terra. What brings you here?"
Simon: “I live here; I’m boning your sister.”
Terra slowly dropped the salute, "I could ask you the same question sir."
Matt: “You invited me, you moron.”
Simon: “Twilie, dear, wasn’t anypony better to pick?”
Twilight interrupted, "Allow me to introduce you two. Terra, this is my brother, Shining Armor. Armor, this is my Coltfriend, Terra."
Both heads swiveled in unison to her, and both jaws dropped.
Terra said slowly, "You mean my old Guard captain is your brother?"
Armor was just as confused, "Your boyfriend is Terra?"
Simon: Notice how Shining says “boyfriend” instead of “coltfriend”. It’s a small detail, but impacting nonetheless.
Matt: What it is is infuriating. It’s shoddy, and I expect nothing else by this point.
She smiled awkwardly, "... So you two know each other?"
Simon: Let’s try to assume that Terra’s past is unknown to anypony, because that makes sense.
Matt: And in four months together, Terra’s past never once came up, not even a passing notice that he once was in the Royal Guard.
Terra reacted first, "You bet I do! This guy made sure I personally excelled while I was in the Royal Guards QRF. Helped me out of a couple tight spots too."
Simon: He was basically a spoiled brat in the military.
he ran over and bear hugged him, "How are you doing you big lug?"
Matt: But he doesn’t know anything about Shining Armor, clearly. The lineage of the mare he was basically stalking for years escaped his notice.
Armor responded by flipping Terra over his back and onto the floor. He stepped over the slightly dizzy stallion, "Pretty good. You?"
Matt: “Well, this is familiar. Hey, remember that night I spent in shining armor?” “I thought we agreed not to talk about that again!”
Simon: So Royal Guards greet themselves by beating the crap out of each other.
Terra grinned as he spun on the ground, kicking Armor's legs out from under him. Then he stood over him, hoof extended, "Same."
Simon: This is just stupid testosterone. Why does Cadance put up with this? I imagine checking on the troops being one the craziest bruise factories imaginable.
Matt: Because they’re manly men, who do many things and greet each other in manly ways!
Armor laughed, grabbing the hoof and pull himself up, "You still got it." he looked to Twilight, who was smiling meekly,
Matt: Meek. Not generally a word that would be associated with canon Twilight. You know what? My changeling hypothesis is looking STRONG.
"Could you give us a moment to be reacquainted? I need to see how my old pal's been doing."
Simon: (twitches) In medias res, something that I REALLY don’t like seeing.
She nodded slowly, curiosity flecked in her violet eyes,
Matt: Back to purple again, I see. I can hardly even manage to work up a good rage over the purple prose with all the logic errors.
then walked out into the living room.
Terra walked over to the table and sat down with Armor.
Simon: He wouldn’t just undon it for the sake of comfort, no. It’s going to be a pain to get up later.
"Heard you got yourself hitched" he said.
Armor's face became stoic, the face he had pulled on guard duty, "Heard you got in quite the brawl a couple months ago."
Matt: The guards KNEW this, his old boss KNEW it was him, and no legal repercussions were had?
Terra felt the color drain from his face, "...The guy deserved it."
Armor chuckled, "Heard that too." Armor playfully punched him in the foreleg, "Don't worry! In your situation, I would have done the same thing."
Matt: “I mean, aside from the boning her afterwards, of course.”
Simon: I WOULD expect that from Twilight’s older brother.
Matt: I would also expect it from someone who knows how to avoid the pitfalls of the law.
He paused, "I didn't really expect you to be the new coltfriend she keeps writing home about."
Simon: Well, I didn’t expect her to write somepony else besides Celestia.
Terra subconsciously straightened his tie again, "So why'd you call me in here then?"
Matt: What a good question! Nobody seems to have expected ANYONE else, so I’m pretty confused.
"I did have a whole interrogation session lined up for the poor SOB who tried to date my sister without my approval..."
Simon: … the author knows that “interrogation” involves torture and violence, right?
Matt: Eh, not per se. We use that word for the sort of grilling a detective gives to a suspect as well.
Simon: I thought you used “questioning” for that.
Matt: We do, especially by people who deal with the public a lot. “Interrogation” is still an awfully loaded word.
he chuckled, "But I already know too much about you."
"So?" Terra asked, twiddling his hooves under the table.
Matt: Too bold to call his old commanding officer “sir,” but shy enough to twiddle his hooves. This guys is fueled entirely by cliche.
"What?"
"Do you approve?"
Simon: As if it mattered, but it’s always good to be on the family’s good side. Mothers-in-law, though... you’re NEVER going to be on her good side.
Matt: That does happen, yes.
"Of you dating my sister?" he gave a mischievous smile, "...Yes, but on one condition."
"Name it."
Simon: “I want nephews. A lot of them. Start breeding like bunnies!”
Matt: “Waaaaaay ahead of you!” o_o
Armor dropped his voice to barely above a whisper, "Break her heart, I break your spine."
Simon: Another native American.
Matt: Fair enough.
Terra nodded, knowing full well he meant it too.
Matt: And since violence has no consequences in this world, he’s fine!
"Alright, we should grab Twi and head out. Our reservation's at 6:00."
Simon: So there a point for this scene after all! Or not, I’m not totally sure.
Matt: We had reservations, but didn’t know who was coming. I can’t even anymore.
Both stallions walked into the living room and got Twilight, trotting out the door with lightened hearts.
Simon: They could be seen in the dark.
~~~~~~~8 Months Later~~~~~~
Simon: Nothing relevant happen. Happy lives and monotonous boning. Moving on!
Matt: The fact that it’s blatantly obvious what’s about to happen fills me with rage. ALMOST as much rage as the fact that it’s gonna happen in the first place.
Terra sat on a large picnic blanket with Twilight and her friends. It was their anniversary,
Simon: Wow, a whole year already! I’m wondering what Terra had to do while her... wait, anniversary as in... they married the same day the fucked for the first time?!
Matt: Not married, just dating. Still, could they have rushed into bed ANY faster?
and Rarity had planned the stargazing picnic for it.
Matt: If I wanted to spend our anniversary with a large group by choice, I think my wife would kill me.
Simon: My relationships for now haven’t lasted long enough to go through that ordeal.
A chorus of 'oohs' and 'ahs' resounded from the group on top of the hill when shooting stars lit up Luna's night sky.
Matt: Got a bag? Cliche makes me want to hurl...
Simon: They didn’t care that some of those oohs and ahs came from couples boning under the starry night.
Suddenly Rainbow Dash shouted, "Hey, look over there!"
All attending stood up, looking toward the horizon, where the moon was just cresting the horizon.
Simon: … yup, that’s the Moon. Good thing you’re making progress with those astronomy classes.
"It's just the moon Dash. What about it?" asked Rarity.
Rainbow winked at him, "Oh, I just thought it looked especially pretty tonight."
Matt: Rainbow Subtlety Dash, to the rescue.
Terra dropped the miniature box he had been carefully hiding between his hooves the entire night on the ground in between him and Twi.
Matt: That didn’t look odd to Twilight at all? Her coltfriend just standing with his hooves held together all night long? Ooookay...
Simon: I mean, why didn’t get himself a saddle to keep that?
Matt: Or just carry it somewhere else? Pinkie has hammerspace. Hell, even Rarity and Applejack have carried stuff with her tail before.
"Oops. Dropped something. I'll get it." he dropped to a kneeling position and picked up the box. "Hey Twi?"
Simon: That’s the lamest excuse for positioning to ask for somepony’s hoof I’ve ever seen. This guy should learn from my friend Drakkar.
"Yes?" she asked turning her head away from the heavens to see quite a sight.
Matt: Terra was balancing on a ball with one hoof and twirling a baton in the other.
Terra was kneeling down in front of her, holding out a small wooden box, and grinning like an idiot.
Simon: Even the author apparently hates this character.
"Look, I ain't much for words, and I certainly have never done this before..."
Simon: Good; you would be in trouble otherwise.
Matt: I still consider him a rapist.
by now, every member of the group was staring slack-jawed at him, "...So here goes..."
Matt: Didn’t Rainbow know this was coming? Why does everyone in this story have the memory of the proverbial goldfish?
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Simon: Why is he using a different paragraph if it’s the same dude speaking?
I love you more than anything in this whole wide world. You're the greatest mare a stallion could dream of... but I was, wondering if we could be something... more. What I'm trying to say is..." he flipped the top off the box, "Would you marry me?"
Matt: “And just so you’re aware, I will beat you to death if you offend me. Just sayin’.”
Twilight stood there, tears of joy running down her cheeks. She whispered, "...Yes." she embraced him, holding tight to her new fiancée.
Simon: … well, that was disappointingly anticlimactic.
Matt: Sorta sums up this whole fic, doesn’t it?
The group let out a cheer, and the party continued, the two lovebirds never leaving each-others side.
~~~~~~~2 months later~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: These breaks are the best part of the fic so far. I get to keep drinking on each one.
Terra stood, barely able to restrain himself from adjusting his tie,
Simon: Come on, buy yourself one of those that you just have to stick to your shirt!
at the altar of the massive cathedral of Canterlot. The whole building was full; After all, it's not everyday Celestia herself marries a couple.
Simon: I HAVE to blame the show for this partly. But the fact that Celestia has turned into the priest that marries everypony is mind-boggling to say the least.
Matt: I hate hate hatehatehatehateHATE people who just insert crap from the show into their stories without changing anything for context. First the shooting stars, now Celestia acting as marital arbiter. This shit just KILLS me.
And it doesn't help that one of the couple is an Element of Harmony either.
Simon: I don’t give a damn about Element of Harmony, but she’s Celestia’s student. I’m sure the Princess would turn you into the most miserable pile of dust if you mess with her, at least if Shining doesn’t end you.
He saw all of Twilight's friends in the front row, and right beside them was the imposing figure of Shining Armor. His soon-to-be-brother-in-law gave him a wink, a slight grin appearing on his lips. Terra nodded back. 'No spine snapping for me today!' he thought to himself.
Matt: That will be an inevitability a few years from now, once the bliss of a new marriage has worn down and Twilight realizes that she’s just traded an abusive prick for an emotionally clingy, needy, potentially drunken and violent stalker. Words will be said, tempers will flare, and Twilight will run back to her family with bruises to spare. Shining murders Terra, but he gets off on a technicality. Twilight goes into therapy, Sour Grapes is still painfully crippled after his beating and imprisonment, and nopony lives happily ever after. Without the Element of magic, Discord finally succeeds in his coup of Equestria, and misery and death spread across the land. So, you know, that’s cool.
Simon: That would be an amazing sequel.
Matt: I’d rather read it than this, anyway.
The organ began playing,
Simon: I hope they paid you well for ensuring the pitch was perfect on that one for the wedding.
Matt: Trust me—organs are NEVER in pitch. That’s part of their charm, and most of the organ tech’s curse.
and everyone in the audience stood. Terra's gaze panned to the aisle where...
Holy Celestia...
Matt: He just realized that everypony is normally totally naked. Quite a shock to him.
Simon: Doesn’t it hurt you to see ellipses during narration, or is it just me?
Matt: It’s painful, but for just about the first time, I’m raging too hard on a stupid plot to notice.
Simon: Also the fact that this was actually written in first person in the first place. No narrator would say “Holy Celestia” unless it was a first person one. Not even the unreliable ones!
Twilight trotted down the isle,
Matt: They’re getting married in Haymaica! How romantic is that!
Simon: Hoho, that’s a good one! Haymaica! I love it!
wearing the most beautiful dress he had ever seen.
Simon: And the Oscar to the best description ever goes to... Not this author!
It matched her body perfectly,
Matt: Which makes it what color in this scene? Just checking...
and he couldn't help but grin at her wonderful smile, her eyes wide at the decorations put in place.
She stepped onto the altar,
Matt: Which put her roughly an entire body-height above everypony else.
and the ceremony began, Celestia beginning the rites. Most of it flew way over his head,
Matt: Well, Twilight was standing up there, so maybe Celestia was just speaking to her?
but he did understand one thing:
Simon: It’s REALLY hilarious to picture Celestia going “Blah blah blah blah bonds, blah blah blah wedding, blah blah blah marriage.”
Matt: *falls over laughing*
"Terra, do you take Twilight Sparkle as your lawfully wedded mare?"
Without hesitation, "I do."
"And do you, Twilight Sparkle, take Terra as your lawfully wedded stallion?"
"I do."
Celestia smiled, "Then by the powers invested in me, I pronounce you Stallion and Mare!
Simon: “You were already a stallion and a mare, but fuck it, the ceremony is like this. The difference is that you get to say it with capital letters, which means shit in spoken language, but nopony said this had to make sense.”
You may kiss the bride!"
Matt: Seems like a step backwards, but okay!
They kissed, and the audience exploded in cheers. They walked down the isle,
Matt: Most of the Haymaican islands aren’t that large.
Simon: Also, I don’t picture people just crying ovations during the kiss. Now, in some country cities, during informal weddings, we start counting to see how long the kiss lasts.
Matt: Lawl. That’s awesome.
side by side, outside to the carriage, which would take them back home.
Matt: I hope it flies, because there’s a LOT of water between here and there.
"Ready?" he asked.
"I can't wait to be home!" she said.
Simon: Why? I mean, if you were the kind of ponies that wait after getting married to bone, I’d understand it. But you had sex AND started a relationship the morning after that.
They got into the carriage, and Twilight gave him the most mischievous look, and said in the most enticing voice ever,
Matt: EVAR O_O
"What do you think we should do at home?"
He grinned, taking her in an embrace, "...Well, we still need to try out the new bed-frame... See how durable it is..."
Matt: I want to kill this guy so much.
"I couldn't agree more." she whispered.
Simon: They had sex before, but hey, we have a new bed now that they had reserved for after getting married.
Matt: Gotta save something, after all.
~~~~~~~9 months later~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Fuck you, story. Just fuck you. I don’t even care if this counts as a drink, I know what’s coming, and I hate you for it.
"Push! Push!" said Nurse Redheart, who was holding her hooves out near the edge of the bed.
Simon: Well, that was fast. Makes me think she was pregnant BEFORE the wedding.
Matt: Pretty damn close. Because that’s the pinnacle of a mare’s life, right? Making babies. I used to be the student of Celestia herself, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, and a multiple-time savior of the world, but man do I want to be pregnant in the kitchen and dote on a brainless Sue of a husband. Seriously, was this written by a 12 year-old?
Twilight let out a scream, and she almost squeezed the life out of her husband's hoof. "Come on Twi! It's almost out!" he wheezed, barely repressing a scream of his own.
Simon: If an alicorn comes out of that, I’m going going to punch things.
She wailed once more, before she gasped. A few seconds later, newborn squealing filled the room, and everyone smiled.
Simon: How many ponies were there paying close attention to Twilight’s slowly dilating vagina?
Matt: Aaaaaaaaaaand, that clocks in at number three on the “Things I’d rather not think about” list.
"It's a Girl!" said Nurse Redheart, bringing over a little bundle of cloth. She gave it very gently to Twilight, and the room was silent.
Wrapped up in the cloth was a purple foal, with a mane as black as the night sky.
Matt: My foal is a carbon copy of me, because fuck originality.
Simon: She had all the dominant genes.
Matt: But all the submissive personality.
She had a small stub of a horn, and she had brilliant green eyes.
Matt: Of course, she inherited them from her changeling mother, after all.
Simon: Let’s hope that spawn has no wings.
Matt: I think this was written before the S3 finale, thank the sisters.
Twilight looked over to Terra, who's eyes were weeping tears of joy.
Matt: Completely independently of the rest of his body.
She kissed him on the cheek. "You alright Honey?"
Terra wiped some of the tears from his eyes and sniffled, "...She's so beautiful..."
Simon: I’m sure that if you say otherwise, you’re pretty much dead, despite the mother being fucking tired after pulling that thing out of herself.
Matt: That might be true if Twilight had more spine than a sea sponge, which she clearly doesn’t in this story.
Nurse Redheart smiled, "So if you don't mind me asking, what's her name?"
Simon: Stormaggedon!
Matt: Buff Drinklots!
Simon: Stump Jumpkick!
Matt: Gristle McThornbody!
Simon: Dirk Hardpeck!
Matt: Fridge Largemeat!
Simon: Roll Fizzlebeef!
Matt: Big McLargehuge!
They looked down at the baby foal, who was resting in the blankets, innocent of anything. They both said in unison;
"Midnight Rain."
Matt: Laaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Simon: Fuck you to hell and back!
Matt: Maybe Tay Zonday can make a song about her and save this.
THE END
Simon: Well, we won’t have to go through the life of that filly anyways.
Matt: Thank goodness. That was tragically bad. I’ve never SEEN so many OOC ponies before.
Simon: Damn, that was crazy indeed. So much self-gratification, because the author slipped the fact that this was basically his OC/ponysona.
Matt: Bascially? I haven’t seen self-insert this blatant since the TWE days.
Simon: And that’s saying something. I really had serious problems with the story, especially the information given about the character that brought nothing about him whatsoever. The only reason that the fact that he was a former Royal Guard was mentioned was because it made the relationship with Shining Armor much easier. And that he could kick all the asses because military training and shit.
Matt: I could point to any number of issues if I felt so inclined. Grammatically, punctuation-wise, plot-wise—this story has so many problems it hurts. Yet, ALL of it falls aside when I think about the fact that our “hero” took advantage of an emotionally and mentally broken abuse victim and everything was happy ever after. Fuck this story.
Simon: Well, I’m happy that this thing’s over. I’m fearing that this won’t end up here. The stench of spin-offs and follow-ups is strong. Let’s hope I’m wrong.
Matt: To date, I think we’re safe. I don’t think this story got enough of a viewing to satisfy such a self-absorbed author, but we’ll remain on guard anyway.
Simon: Indeed. Well, let’s go out and have a beer or something. We’ve earned it.
Matt: Away!
-fin-
Matt: Oh, we are so not ready for this.
Simon: Oh, come on! It can’t be worse than some of the crazy things I’ve come across. Anyways, what do we have here?
Matt: Gary Stu. Gary Stu everywhere.
Simon: Oh, I know those ones. Met a few; horrible, all of them.
Matt: Well, I’ve been wondering if I’d ever get a chance to use this thing... *pulls an aluminum bat with “Death to Sues” engraved on it out from under his desk*
Simon: (taps his axe on his chain shirt) We’re not letting this shit fly, aren’t we?
Matt: Of course not. Let’s go to work.
Terra took another swig from the punch bowl
Simon: I really picture the author having mispelled “swing” and imagining this Terra fighting a bowl full of clenched fists. I’ll pay to see that match.
Matt: He’s drinking straight from the punch bowl. Ye gods, he’s as bad as Berry Punch.
and poured it into his cup.
Matt: Seems backwards, but okay.
'I have work tomorrow damn it, why am up so late?' he thought,
Simon: That happened to me once during a self-imposed Doctor Who marathon. It was 5 am when I said “Okay, only two episodes to end this season; THEN I’ll go to sleep.”
Matt: That happened to me once, but I was asking myself “When did it become Friday?”
looking into the more than likely spiked drink.
Matt: The drink looked back at him and offered to send a letter to Celestia. GEDDIT?!?! o_o
'I guess I know damn why.'
Simon: “Because if I’m going to get fired anyway, it’s going to be for DAMN good reason!”
the slightly drunken, very angered part of his mind replied. He downed the fruity beverage in a second and stared at the center of his problems in the corner of the massive Pinkie party.
Matt: That phrasing always messes with me. I just imagine everypony in the room painted up like Pinkie with matching wigs and such. Being drunk in a room like that would be terrifying.
The most beautiful mare in all of Equestria (At least in his opinion)
Matt: Zecora?
Simon: I find it hard to choose between Cherry Jubilee and Ms. Peachbottom.
Matt: Difficult to call, for sure.
stood in the farthest reaches of the house,
Simon: A clear metaphor that shows that he’s not going to bone her.
Matt: In a well-written fic, yes. Here...
talking with her quite drunken coltfriend.
Matt: Enter the Strawman, mortal enemy of the Sue.
Her Lavender coat contrasted in an almost ethereal beauty with her jet-black hair, and her voice, whatever he could pick up over the din of the music, was as melodious as a songbird's.
Simon: Lavender coat, black hair? I can’t recall anypony with that pattern.
Matt: Now that you mention it... Me neither.
In all the times he had met his next door neighbor, she had seemed like an loving, caring pony who got along with everybody.
Matt: Creeper. At least my neighbors are never around.
Indeed, Twilight Sparkle was one of the dwindling examples of a pony with a heart of gold.
Simon: Wait, when did Twilight dyed her mane black?
Matt: This is her alter-ego, Emo Sparkle. Heart of gold, soul of angst.
Her Coltfriend, however, was nowhere near.
Matt: I mean, she’s only standing with him.
Simon: Wait wait wait, how can the coltfriend be nowhere near if she’s TALKING to him?
Matt: I think the author has a similar relationship with time and space that the Doctor does.
Terra hadn't liked Sour Grapes since the moment he had met him.
Matt: I just noticed that “not liking Sour Grapes” is MASSIVELY ironic.
Simon: The author gave him a name for us to hate him. It makes it easy, like calling a pony that you’re supposed to hate something like “Basement Dweller” or “Kidney Stone”. You CAN’T be friends with a character called Kidney Stone.
Matt: “Sergeant Babyrapist”
Simon: That’s the way authors have to say “I’m going to save myself from writing thousands of words to make readers hate this character for a good reason.”
He and Twilight had started dating a few months back, and in almost all of the times Terra had seen him, he was either drunk or in a bad mood, and in many instances, both.
Simon: No reason for the relationship? Nothing about what Twilight saw in him to start dating him? Okay.
Matt: ♫ Exposition, exposition, rush it out ASAP... ♫
Terra's house didn't have much room between Twilight's, so he could hear some of the arguments that went over there.
Matt: Not to mention all the countless, countless sessions of love-making that made him feel inadequate as a male.
Simon: Probably masturbating while picturing himself in Sour Grape’s place.
Sour was a horrible Coltfriend, mainly using Twilight for money or as a verbal punching bag.
Simon: Twilight being the pony version of Raistlin, I can’t picture her being on the receiving end of an abusive relationship without the other pony being disintegrated shortly after it starts getting bad.
Matt: Drugs must have been involved.
Simon: And a lot of make up angry sex.
Matt: Dunno about the angry part, but the make-up part is niiiiiiiice...
Terra hated him to the core, more than anything, he would love to beat the living crap out of the guy and throw the rest in a volcano.
Matt: Real-life Internet Tough Guy! He forgets that ponies kick like crazy. One buck and he’s dead.
He took another sip of the punch and uttered a low growl as he saw Sour Grapes, for the third time tonight, started yelling at Twilight.
Simon: It’s amazing how, in the middle of a party, nopony seems to give a fuck at the fact that NOPONY defends Twilight, having so many friends and being, you know, Celestia’s personal student. I know that might not be a well-known fact outside of Canterlot, but... you know, her friends don’t try to help her at all.
Something seemed different about him this time though,
Matt: Well he was yelling in Latvian, which was new.
he seemed even more agitated than usual, almost screaming at Twilight about whatever he was so worked up about.
Matt: His yelling was almost screaming. Good to know.
Terra didn't like the way he was suddenly backing Twilight into the corner, so he set down his glass and moved through the teeming throngs of drunken partiers towards the 'couple'.
Matt: Wait, I know this. I think it’s called “Dumbass in Distress Syndrome.” A previously utterly powerful and competent character suddenly and inexplicably becomes too stupid to protect (often) herself.
And that's when he hit her, a full right hook that sent Twilight to the ground.
In public.
In front of everybody.
Simon: And I can’t emphasize enough the fact that nopony gives a fuck about what’s going on.
Matt: It got more notice before Pinkie started that Fight Club. Now it’s pretty commonplace, actually.
In front of HIM DAMMIT!
Simon: Because if you’re not there it’s okay for Twilight to get beaten up. Good to know.
Everypony's got a breaking point. Some have a stress related breaking point, others have a pain related breaking point. He however, had an injustice breaking point.
Matt: Could he be any more noble, people?
Simon: We went full vigilante after that.
And right there, right then, it snapped like a dry twig.
Matt: Along with our suspension of disbelief.
He started sprinting through the crowd,
Simon: Running over everypony, spilling their drinks and all.
his mind only having one goal, one unified thought through his slightly drunken head...
'Kill, maim, flatten, destroy, pulverize, ANNIHILATE!'
Matt: Crush, kill, destroy, ANGST.
Simon: Also known as “look at how much vocabulary I know!”
Matt: Somebody knows where thesaurus.com is.
Before he got near Sour Grapes, he shouted over the din of the party, "Oy!"
Simon: Well, looks like he isn’t good at punchlines. I would’ve jumped towards him screaming “Yippie Kayey, motherfucker!” while throwing a glass full of punch to his face.
Matt: I’m not good at one-liners either. I tend to just punch people without preamble. Safer that way.
Simon: And they don’t see it coming. A good idea.
Matt: Well, I don’t have a huge, fuck-off axe like you do.
Sour Grapes swiveled his head towards the sound just in time to see him bolt out from the crowd at top speed,
Simon: If Terra’s able to reach him without having to dodge anypony, I can say that was one of Pinkie’s lamest parties.
Matt: He was SO MAD that the crowds parted like the Red Sea. Such is the power of the Sue.
eyes filled with fire and brimstone.
Matt: I bet somepony’s got some eyedrops for that.
His eyes widened as he tried to run for an exit...
Too late.
He barreled into him at what felt like 100 miles per hour,
Simon: The Doctor and I like to discuss about the implausibilities and hilarity of this uses of the “rule of cool.”
sending Him and Sour Grapes through a window into the hard dirt outside the house.
Slowly, Terra stood on his hind legs, barring his fore-hooves like a MMA fighter.
Matt: Using Words You Don’t Know: The Movie
"Get up you Son of a bitch!" he shouted.
Matt: Ooh, profanity! If this guy were any edgier, I’d cut myself!
Simon: I love that random capitalization.
Sour stood and got his first glimpse of his attacker, tan coat, black mane, piercing green eyes, Hacksaw cutting wood for a cutie mark...
Simon: ♫Heee’s a lumberjack and he’s oookay; he sleeps all night and he works all day♫
Sour smiled, "Oh, if it isn't the neighbor, come to be the night in shining armor."
Matt: Oh wow. “The night in shining armor” just sounds filthy. I bet Twilight has something to say about ponies spending the night in her brother.
Simon: Sounds like one of Batman’s first rejected suits.
Matt: “The Bling Knight” just didn’t work as well.
Terra gave a little chuckle, "Chivalry ain't quite dead, y'know." he made a show of cracking his hooves, "Now are you gonna stand there like an ass or die like a stallion?"
Simon: What do ponies have against donkeys on the show?
Sour Grapes had him by around a foot,
Matt: Which for some reason, is the unit of measurement in a land where feet don’t exist, but whatever.
and he was built like the Pony Hulk himself.
Simon: If this were a fair fic, Terra would get his ass served.
He was also about as angry, leading to him charging like a insane bull at Terra.
Matt: Okay, this is really starting to bug the hell out of me. Why is he named that? “Terra” means “land,” and his mark clearly indicates that trees are his specialty, not the ground.
Simon: Maybe he’s called like that because he spent most of the time picking fights he couldn’t win and ended lying on the ground most of the time.
Matt: I like that explanation very much, if only because it’s more interesting than “The author was too lazy too look up the Latin for ‘wood.’”
Although that was nothing compared to a drunken and enraged former Royal Guard.
Simon: All of a sudden, he IS a former Royal Guard, making him possibly old as fuck, and probably making his love for Twilight much creepier.
Matt: Maybe he really was intimate with Twilight’s brother... Yeah, this is getting creepy fast.
At the last second, Terra sidestepped and swung his right foreleg in a haymaker,
Simon: I’m afraid I’m not well-versed in pony fistfighting, so I have no idea what the fuck’s going on here.
Matt: I have to admit, I think this use of “haymaker” would be a brilliant bit of irony, but I have no illusions that the author did it on purpose.
which connected squarely with Sour's muzzle, a quiet snap signaling it's fracture. The effect was instant, flipping Sour onto his back and sending him skidding feet first into the side of the building.
Simon: Demolition time!
As Terra turned and walked towards where he had slammed into the wall, he said, "Y'know what I can't stand?"
Matt: “The Dutch.”
he made it to the injured earth pony, who was moaning and cursing In pain. Terra picked him up by the collarbone and made him stare straight into his eyes, "I can't stand people like YOU."
Matt: “I can’t stand people who are actually ponies.” Keep the terminology straight, dude.
he put as much hate and rage into that word as possible, almost growling it out. A Bipolar Timberwolf couldn't have pulled off that murderous of a voice.
Simon: That’s one of the craziest comparisons ever. How do you know a timberwolf suffers from bipolar syndrome in the first place?
Matt: That’s a terrifying thought.
Then he sank his left hoof into Sour's stomach.
Matt: He struck with such force that it went straight through his skin. Eww.
Sour screamed again, then tried to hit him with his right foreleg. Terra caught the weakened punch, and with a great twist, dislocated the shoulder-plate.
Simon: When did he say that the pony was wearing armor?
Another scream shattered the night, and Terra slammed him against the wall, further aggravating his injury.
Matt: Yeah, this dude would be curled in the corner whimpering and being kicked in the head in ten seconds flat in the real world.
Simon: And we know that Terra should go straight to prison after this.
Matt: Aren’t fantasies wonderful?
"You have the most Beautiful,
Simon: I have to disagree, but I don’t want this drunken ex Royal Guard to kick me in the balls for saying the opposite.
Matt: Nothing wrong with that.
most intelligent, most caring mare on the planet, and what do you do? YOU. TREAT. HER. LIKE. SHIT!" with every word, he slammed his hoof into Sour's Solar Plexus.
Simon: MORE random capitalization!
Sour's screams and curses dropped to cries and pleading, upon which Terra screamed, "MERCY?! You think you deserve MERCY after all you've done?! You pathetic Jackass!" Terra aimed his next punch for his windpipe, ready to end his miserable life with a hard strike,
Simon: He’s going to KILL HIM!? Damn, the level of apathy in this fic is amazing.
Matt: Hmmm... Don’t remember the [Dark] tag on this one.
A wave of White Noise subduing any form of compassionate thought,
Matt: White Noise is an awesome pony metal band. They do tend to drown out your ability to think, though.
"Why, I oughta..."
"STOOOOOOPP!"
Simon: FINALLY somepony’s going to intervene!
The cracked feminine voice pulled him back to reality immediately. He turned his head to see that the entire party had come outside to watch.
Matt: They didn’t actually care, but Pinkie’s party was really boring.
Simon: Hey, no wonder how EVERYONE stood around a couple kids fighting at the playground. Fights are the shit. Those were boring as hell, though, but was still novelty.
And Twilight Sparkle was at their forefront, tears rolling down her face like twin waterfalls.
Matt: Remember this reaction, people. The whiplash mood swing will be all the sweeter later on.
Terra looked back at Sour Grapes. The bruised, mangled pony was crying and with a hoarse voice begging for his life. He looked at his free foreleg, still cocked back, waiting to fly forward and crush the stallion's windpipe.
Matt: Seriously, he might as well. They practically have to put Sour Grapes down by this point anyway, and in any logical system Terra would already be headed to prison. Might as well get your money’s worth.
Horror overwhelmed the anger as he realized what he had just about done. He dropped the mangled stallion and backed up, eyes wide as saucers.
Simon: So his eyes were alien spaceships? I want to know more about this.
He looked back to the disturbed mare, eyes looking into his with hurt and confusion.
"I-I-I'm sorry..." Terra said, continuing to back up. "I'm so, so sorry..."
Simon: Considering how furiously you fought, I don’t think you are.
Then he turned around and ran through an alleyway, disappearing just as an ambulance arrived.
Matt: Ambulance. Wat.
Simon: I... can’t even either. I know about fast interventions, but DAMN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Drink?
Terra sat on his modest couch,
Matt: In prison, right?
a half-empty bottle of Stalliongrad Vodka in his hoof,
Simon: Because you can take sympathy on a violent pony if he has a drinking problem.
Matt: And that drinking problem will DEFINITELY help prevent future violent outbreaks.
and waited for the inevitable.
Matt: Luna had the most adorable little hangman’s hood she was looking forward to using.
He didn't have to wait long.
Matt: He must have been imprisoned in Texas.
A knock on the door announced his expected company, probably a couple police officers with rapid-fire crossbows.
Matt: DA. FUQ.
Simon: Well, at least they’re not using Gauss rifles, but yeah, that’s quite some mindfuck we have here.
He laughed, 'With my luck, Discord himself will be waiting to personally send me to hell...'
Simon: At least you have some sense of humor. And it’s Tartarus, but not that it matters.
He set down the bottle, trotted to the door, and opened it with a flick of his hoof. Terra held out his hooves, eyes closed, to his guests.
"Slap on the irons boys, I know my rights." he said, defeat lacing his words.
"I'm not here to arrest you Terra."
Matt: What the actual fuck. Seriously.
His eyes shot open, revealing a very red-eyed Twilight standing before him alone. No police, no SWAT team,
Simon: They have SWAT teams in Equestria?
Matt: I’m WAY more concerned with the fact that this story apparently has no morality whatsoever.
definitely not Discord, just a shaken mare at his door.
Simon: A mare whose coltfriend you JUST beat the crap out of in front of her, who’s also one of the most powerful spellcasters in Equestria. He’s several levels of fucked.
He would've preferred Discord.
Matt: After “Keep Calm and Flutter On,” I’d prefer the meteor.
In a very confused and shocked voice, Terra mumbled, "Come on in, I guess..."
She walked into the Spartan-style living room
Matt: What? It was decorated in animal skins, marble columns, and had weapons lying around everywhere? I mean, the lack of clothing sort of works, but still...
and sat down across from Terra on a reclining chair. Terra sat down on the couch, head hung low, shoving the Vodka bottle away. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it sober.
Simon: You were drinking that shit mere moments ago. You CAN’T sober up at will!
Matt: I’ve seen Sue characters, but a Sue liver is new.
They sat in silence for a minute, the only real sounds were of their breathing and the crickets outside. Then he asked, "How's Spike liking the bed I built for him?"
Simon: When did this happen and why should I care about woodworking right now?
Matt: “Oh, I burned that after I realized the pony who built it was a PSYCHOTIC VIOLENT DRUNK!”
"He loves it, it really helped him get over the insomnia." she said, trying to look him in the eye.
Simon: I really think that he should’ve got him a new mattress. I don’t think the make things for dragons in Ponyville, though.
Every time she tried though, Terra would shift his eyes away, refusing to make the connection. In all the years Twilight had known the carpenter, Terra had always been a shy person.
Simon: So he was a rule 63 version of Fluttershy with drinking problem. And considering he just beat the crap out of somepony, shy my balls.
It had taken months for her to start up conversations with him without him scampering back inside his house.
Matt: Scampering. Why don’t you just break the mood over your knee, story?
He would always keep his head low, eyes averted...
Simon: He tried to get a role in Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but they weren’t hiring.
Matt: Subtle. Nice.
Just like he was doing now.
Matt: Because he’s all remorseful and shit! It makes everything okay!
He started, "Look... I'm real sorry, 'bout what I did back there. It was real selfish, I was only thinking 'bout myself.
Simon: Well, if you were trying to protect her from an abusive relationship, that’s not being selfish.
Matt: Maybe you should think about apologizing TO THE COURTS INSTEAD.
I shouldn't've gone and done that, and I definitely shouldn't've let it go that far. I would understand if you wanted to sue me for all I got,
Simon: Don’t worry, I’m sure Sour Grapes will do that instead.
or just kill me right now." he looked back at the bottle on the table. It sure was looking rather tempting right about now...
Matt: SO. MUCH. WAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNGST.
"Like I said before, I'm not here to arrest you, and I'm certainly not going to kill you." she said, her voice ringing with concern.
Simon: Well, I hope laws aren’t like this in Equestria. Or that this doesn’t start a trend about it.
That got his attention, he looked up and finally locked his eyes with hers, Emerald eyes full of newfound confusion,
Matt: Why is Emerald capitalized? Why are her eyes green to begin with?
Simon: Has the author watched the show BEFORE writing this?
"Why then? I just about killed your Coltfriend, I doubt you want to sit down for coffee and doughnuts."
Matt: Again with the random capitals. Maybe he’s sponsored by his shift key and he gets paid for it.
Simon: Coltfriend might be an honorary title.
She twitched a little bit when he said 'Coltfriend', but lowered her head, "I'm actually here to thank you."
Matt: Aaaaaaaand that “woosh” sound you just heard was logic ejecting from this story.
Simon: Remember, kids. If you see injustice, punch it in the face! It’ll never backfire! Start your superhero career!
Matt: *small print commercial voice* Offer not valid in Utah, California, Earth, or anywhere that has a sense of justice or common sense.
Terra's eyes widened, "Beg pardon?" Twilight didn't respond, her mane had drooped down to cover her face like a veil. "Twilight?"
Simon: This story is making it hard for me to not hate it.
Twilight surprised him when she jumped out of the chair and into his hooves.
Matt: She’s a facehugger! Get the crowbar!
She put her face into the crook of his neck...
Simon: She has a thief living in her neck?
And cried.
Matt: Because why not. It only took her a day or so.
He was in shock. The situation was completely different from the one he had imagined.
Simon: Once you think about the worst possible scenario, you clearly find any result different from that one quite positive.
He had imagined crying, but he had thought it would be from him when she started pelting him with Fireballs.
Matt: I find it sad that the cast-off line of thought is the only one a sane reader could be expected to agree with.
Twilight sobbed, "When the police got there, I was about ready to lead them right to your door, I was so mad." she sniffed,
Simon: Then why didn’t she do it?
another of her tears plopping down on my shoulder,
Matt: “My?” The truth comes through! Terra actually is a blatant self-insert. *pantomimes blowing his own head off*
Simon: (grunts) Just what I needed.
"Then one of the officers recognized him. They relocated his shoulder on the spot, and then hoof-cuffed him."
Matt: Wat.
Simon: Huh?
Terra just held the sobbing mare, and murmured, "Why?"
She sniffed again, "They said he was a major drug dealer whose MO is dating rich mares to leech their money."
Simon: I... don’t picture Twilight as being... rich?
Matt: Or stupid. Or so oblivious that she couldn’t recognize somepony selling drugs out of her home.
He tried to lighten her mood, "I didn't realize rich mares lived in trees!"
Simon: This guy should literally try to perform stand up comedy in a bikers bar, if only to get killed on the spot. He’s awful.
She stopped crying, but kept her head buried in his shoulder, "I live with a dragon whose menu consists of fine jewels. He was probably after the stash."
Simon: Uh... actually, jewels are like sweets. It’s not the basic diet, just a treat from now and then.
It was silent for a moment, before she said, "I was such a foal for letting him dupe me like that." she lifted her head, gazing deep into his eyes, "Thank you so much!"
Simon: Just because this end up being the most convenient plot twist at this side of the Shyamalain universe, it doesn’t mean you’re getting away with almost killing a dude without consequences! Laws simply DON’T work that way!
Matt: Okay, okay, hold this shit up just a second. This guy was a known drug dealer, right? How the HELL does anypony get away with being a known anything? THEY HAVE CUTIE MARKS. THERE’S ALMOST LITERALLY NO WAY TO HIDE YOUR IDENTITY.
Simon: Not to mention all the “Wanted” posters, but yeah, I see your point.
Matt: *headdesks violently and repeatedly* GOD THE STUPID BURNS SO MUCH.
He was stunned. His brain had simply shut off when she looked at him, so he spoke the truth, "I-I don't know what to say..."
Matt: Neither do we, so that’s convenient.
She smiled, "Then don't say anything." she put her head forward and, without any warning, kissed him.
Simon: Because being a white knight actually does that. Keep dreaming, author. You might get lucky.
Matt: What we have here, people, is basically emotional rape. She’s broken, and vulnerable, and he doesn’t give a flying turd about it.
Simon: Even if Twilight’s the one who started the kiss?
Matt: Absolutely. This is COMPLETELY immoral. Part of being a grown man is knowing when things are right and wrong.
He was so shocked, he didn't react to it at first. Twilight broke the kiss, thinking that him not reacting was the purest form of rejection.
Simon: Being able to react to sudden shows of affection is vital to avoid getting into trouble.
She started crying again, no sobbing, just tears, "I should've known... You never really liked me..." she closed her eyes, "Nobody ever likes the nerdy librar..."
Matt: IS this Twilight? Black mane, green eyes, tolerates an obviously abusive relationship, suffers from extreme emotional issues after a traumatic experience that she does nothing to help or prevent, AND latches onto the nearest source of emotional support no matter how toxic it may be? If I didn’t know this was just a really, really shitty story, I’d be calling “changeling” about now.
He shut her up right there with a kiss of his own. His tongue wormed it's way into her open mouth,
Simon: Damn, the verb there makes the scene SO wrong in my eyes.
and Twilight moaned as his hooves moved to her back. His tongue met hers, an instant battle for dominance ensuing for control.
Simon: Fuck this mood swings! Twilight went from “bawww you don’t like me” to “I’m going to make you my bitch” so fast that I can’t even make up a joke! How crazy is that?
She groaned when he broke the lip lock and looked her straight in her beautiful violet eyes.
Matt: Make up your freaking mind, author!
"Twilight, you may be the 'nerdy librarian', but I, for one, Find that kind of cute." he craned his head to nuzzle her neck, "And I just have one thing to say to you, Miss Sparkle..." he planted a kiss right on her cheek...
"I love you. Always have, always will."
Simon: That doesn’t make it creepy or anything.
Their lips locked, and Terra picked Twilight up off the couch, and carried her upstairs. He awkwardly walked into his bedroom, lips never leaving hers.
Matt: From my understanding of pony anatomy, he’s levitating. Ponies can’t really walk on two legs, especially while carrying loads, Pinkie Pie notwithstanding.
With a final kick from his leg, the door slammed shut.
Matt: Aaaaand, now it turns into actual rape. Or it SHOULD BE. It basically is, morally speaking anyway.
Simon: And this still doesn’t make it a shipping record. I’ve seen them going even faster and making even LESS sense.
Matt: I pity you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Drink! Please!
Simon: Sure!
Terra awoke to the find a lavender head snuggled up next to his.
Simon: Someone told the author to throw random words he got during a Scattergories game. Thus, this sentences was born.
Matt: The mafia was here. They left the head of his horse in his bed next to him.
They were wrapped in a tight embrace,
Simon: The heads were wrapped in an embrace? Odd.
and he could feel her soft breath on his chest.
Matt: I know it’s a nice picture and everything, but I’ve been married for years, and it’s NOT easy to sleep that close to someone else, much less entwined.
Simon: Or in summer.
Matt: Especially then.
Terra smiled. It had all happened. It wasn't some figment of his imagination, some wild dream of a heavy heart.
It had been real.
Matt: If I imagine that Luna actually did execute him and everything after the first scene break is a vision of his own personal heaven, it becomes much more tolerable.
His gaze lowered to the raven-maned mare,
Simon: She still has black mane, for reasons that are never explained.
Matt: The emo is strong in this one.
sleeping as peacefully as an angel. She looked beautiful. He laid there for a while, just taking it all in.
The peaceful silence was broken when Twilight yawned, her amethyst eyes fluttering open slowly.
Matt: Jeez, how many eye colors does she have? Green, purple, and now red?
Simon: She’s probably using contact lenses. There are several colored ones.
Matt: And changing them while she sleeps? Sleeping in lenses isn’t comfortable either.
He gave her a kiss on the forehead, "Morning beautiful."
Simon: He speaks like a native American.
Matt: Morning beautiful. Food good. Grog hungry. Make much war against paleface.
Her cheeks turned beet red,
Simon: Beet red? The author must be a woman. I only know one “red” color. Red.
"... G-good morning." she snuggled up closer to him, "So does this... Does this make us...?"
"I would like it to." he said, rubbing his hoof gently up and down Twilight's back. "Would you?"
Matt: Well that was sudden.
Simon: … so, according to this story, fucking with somepony officially makes you that pony’s couple?
Matt: I suppose there is a certain logic to that, but I still can’t get over the fact that he took advantage of her that quickly.
Simon: Yeah, it reminds me of a law in Morocco. Not a pretty one.
She gave him a kiss, her lips connecting with almost electric force. They held the kiss for a few seconds, then reluctantly broke it.
"Does that answer your question?" she said seductively.
Matt: I know what the author is going for—it’s bad and he should feel bad—but when you have some experience with trauma and mental instability, this story is just horrific. Twilight is off her freaking rocker and has no idea what she’s doing.
Simon: I’d like to see how Twilight ends up regretting this decision.
Terra gasped as she slid onto his stallionhood, the lavender mare letting out a sigh of pleasure.
Matt: WOAH WOAH WOAH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RATED? *looks* TEEN, YOU ASS!
Simon: So it’s true. Sometimes you simply can’t avoid porn because it’s incorrectly rated.
Matt: Urge. To. Kill. Rising...
He pulled her lips to his and kissed her, tongues dancing in their mouths.
Suffice to say, they spent the rest of the day in bed.
Simon: Probably playing chess. Twilight loves strategy games. I picture her like that.
~~~~~~4 months later~~~~~~~
Simon: That sex session was AMAZING!
Matt: *incoherent grumbles of rage*
Terra adjusted his tie again. As a Royal Guard, he'd come against many disturbing and evil creatures.
Matt: None of them compared to the horror that was himself.
He'd always met his foes with courage and discipline. Fear wasn't in his dictionary.
Matt: But violence was. Because real men kill things with their bare hands.
But right now, 'Scared Shitless' was.
Simon: I’m fearing he got Twilight pregnant.
Matt: I’ll murder something. I’ll have to.
Twilight came up behind him, quickly pecking him on the cheek, "Stop worrying so much! I'm sure you'll do fine."
He nodded weakly, looking around the library again, still amazed that one could live in a tree.
Matt: Even after years of living next to her? Jeez, this guy is something else.
His head was filled with questions, but he kept them in his head for later.
Someone knocked on their door, and Twilight walked out of the kitchen,
Simon: Twilight became the classical housewife of the 50s!
Matt: Make him a sandwich, bitch!
"I'll go get it!"
Terra wondered what her brother would be like. Would he like him? Would he be like Twilight, a unicorn gifted in the sense of magic?
Matt: Would he beat him to death for practically raping his sister?
Simon: Wait, if he was a Royal Guard, why doesn’t he know who his fucking Captain was? Then again, Twilight has a weird relationship with her brother, not talking about him until she found out he was marrying.
Matt: I think it’s more meta than that. He wonders what he’ll be like because it’s certain he’ll be wildly OOC.
He kept thinking to himself as Twilight walked back in with their guest.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw who it was.
Matt: Again, he knew Shining Armor was coming over. Wtf.
His old instincts kicked in, and he snapped off a quick salute, "Shining Armor, Sir!"
Both ponies looked confused, until Armor grinned, "At ease Terra. What brings you here?"
Simon: “I live here; I’m boning your sister.”
Terra slowly dropped the salute, "I could ask you the same question sir."
Matt: “You invited me, you moron.”
Simon: “Twilie, dear, wasn’t anypony better to pick?”
Twilight interrupted, "Allow me to introduce you two. Terra, this is my brother, Shining Armor. Armor, this is my Coltfriend, Terra."
Both heads swiveled in unison to her, and both jaws dropped.
Terra said slowly, "You mean my old Guard captain is your brother?"
Armor was just as confused, "Your boyfriend is Terra?"
Simon: Notice how Shining says “boyfriend” instead of “coltfriend”. It’s a small detail, but impacting nonetheless.
Matt: What it is is infuriating. It’s shoddy, and I expect nothing else by this point.
She smiled awkwardly, "... So you two know each other?"
Simon: Let’s try to assume that Terra’s past is unknown to anypony, because that makes sense.
Matt: And in four months together, Terra’s past never once came up, not even a passing notice that he once was in the Royal Guard.
Terra reacted first, "You bet I do! This guy made sure I personally excelled while I was in the Royal Guards QRF. Helped me out of a couple tight spots too."
Simon: He was basically a spoiled brat in the military.
he ran over and bear hugged him, "How are you doing you big lug?"
Matt: But he doesn’t know anything about Shining Armor, clearly. The lineage of the mare he was basically stalking for years escaped his notice.
Armor responded by flipping Terra over his back and onto the floor. He stepped over the slightly dizzy stallion, "Pretty good. You?"
Matt: “Well, this is familiar. Hey, remember that night I spent in shining armor?” “I thought we agreed not to talk about that again!”
Simon: So Royal Guards greet themselves by beating the crap out of each other.
Terra grinned as he spun on the ground, kicking Armor's legs out from under him. Then he stood over him, hoof extended, "Same."
Simon: This is just stupid testosterone. Why does Cadance put up with this? I imagine checking on the troops being one the craziest bruise factories imaginable.
Matt: Because they’re manly men, who do many things and greet each other in manly ways!
Armor laughed, grabbing the hoof and pull himself up, "You still got it." he looked to Twilight, who was smiling meekly,
Matt: Meek. Not generally a word that would be associated with canon Twilight. You know what? My changeling hypothesis is looking STRONG.
"Could you give us a moment to be reacquainted? I need to see how my old pal's been doing."
Simon: (twitches) In medias res, something that I REALLY don’t like seeing.
She nodded slowly, curiosity flecked in her violet eyes,
Matt: Back to purple again, I see. I can hardly even manage to work up a good rage over the purple prose with all the logic errors.
then walked out into the living room.
Terra walked over to the table and sat down with Armor.
Simon: He wouldn’t just undon it for the sake of comfort, no. It’s going to be a pain to get up later.
"Heard you got yourself hitched" he said.
Armor's face became stoic, the face he had pulled on guard duty, "Heard you got in quite the brawl a couple months ago."
Matt: The guards KNEW this, his old boss KNEW it was him, and no legal repercussions were had?
Terra felt the color drain from his face, "...The guy deserved it."
Armor chuckled, "Heard that too." Armor playfully punched him in the foreleg, "Don't worry! In your situation, I would have done the same thing."
Matt: “I mean, aside from the boning her afterwards, of course.”
Simon: I WOULD expect that from Twilight’s older brother.
Matt: I would also expect it from someone who knows how to avoid the pitfalls of the law.
He paused, "I didn't really expect you to be the new coltfriend she keeps writing home about."
Simon: Well, I didn’t expect her to write somepony else besides Celestia.
Terra subconsciously straightened his tie again, "So why'd you call me in here then?"
Matt: What a good question! Nobody seems to have expected ANYONE else, so I’m pretty confused.
"I did have a whole interrogation session lined up for the poor SOB who tried to date my sister without my approval..."
Simon: … the author knows that “interrogation” involves torture and violence, right?
Matt: Eh, not per se. We use that word for the sort of grilling a detective gives to a suspect as well.
Simon: I thought you used “questioning” for that.
Matt: We do, especially by people who deal with the public a lot. “Interrogation” is still an awfully loaded word.
he chuckled, "But I already know too much about you."
"So?" Terra asked, twiddling his hooves under the table.
Matt: Too bold to call his old commanding officer “sir,” but shy enough to twiddle his hooves. This guys is fueled entirely by cliche.
"What?"
"Do you approve?"
Simon: As if it mattered, but it’s always good to be on the family’s good side. Mothers-in-law, though... you’re NEVER going to be on her good side.
Matt: That does happen, yes.
"Of you dating my sister?" he gave a mischievous smile, "...Yes, but on one condition."
"Name it."
Simon: “I want nephews. A lot of them. Start breeding like bunnies!”
Matt: “Waaaaaay ahead of you!” o_o
Armor dropped his voice to barely above a whisper, "Break her heart, I break your spine."
Simon: Another native American.
Matt: Fair enough.
Terra nodded, knowing full well he meant it too.
Matt: And since violence has no consequences in this world, he’s fine!
"Alright, we should grab Twi and head out. Our reservation's at 6:00."
Simon: So there a point for this scene after all! Or not, I’m not totally sure.
Matt: We had reservations, but didn’t know who was coming. I can’t even anymore.
Both stallions walked into the living room and got Twilight, trotting out the door with lightened hearts.
Simon: They could be seen in the dark.
~~~~~~~8 Months Later~~~~~~
Simon: Nothing relevant happen. Happy lives and monotonous boning. Moving on!
Matt: The fact that it’s blatantly obvious what’s about to happen fills me with rage. ALMOST as much rage as the fact that it’s gonna happen in the first place.
Terra sat on a large picnic blanket with Twilight and her friends. It was their anniversary,
Simon: Wow, a whole year already! I’m wondering what Terra had to do while her... wait, anniversary as in... they married the same day the fucked for the first time?!
Matt: Not married, just dating. Still, could they have rushed into bed ANY faster?
and Rarity had planned the stargazing picnic for it.
Matt: If I wanted to spend our anniversary with a large group by choice, I think my wife would kill me.
Simon: My relationships for now haven’t lasted long enough to go through that ordeal.
A chorus of 'oohs' and 'ahs' resounded from the group on top of the hill when shooting stars lit up Luna's night sky.
Matt: Got a bag? Cliche makes me want to hurl...
Simon: They didn’t care that some of those oohs and ahs came from couples boning under the starry night.
Suddenly Rainbow Dash shouted, "Hey, look over there!"
All attending stood up, looking toward the horizon, where the moon was just cresting the horizon.
Simon: … yup, that’s the Moon. Good thing you’re making progress with those astronomy classes.
"It's just the moon Dash. What about it?" asked Rarity.
Rainbow winked at him, "Oh, I just thought it looked especially pretty tonight."
Matt: Rainbow Subtlety Dash, to the rescue.
Terra dropped the miniature box he had been carefully hiding between his hooves the entire night on the ground in between him and Twi.
Matt: That didn’t look odd to Twilight at all? Her coltfriend just standing with his hooves held together all night long? Ooookay...
Simon: I mean, why didn’t get himself a saddle to keep that?
Matt: Or just carry it somewhere else? Pinkie has hammerspace. Hell, even Rarity and Applejack have carried stuff with her tail before.
"Oops. Dropped something. I'll get it." he dropped to a kneeling position and picked up the box. "Hey Twi?"
Simon: That’s the lamest excuse for positioning to ask for somepony’s hoof I’ve ever seen. This guy should learn from my friend Drakkar.
"Yes?" she asked turning her head away from the heavens to see quite a sight.
Matt: Terra was balancing on a ball with one hoof and twirling a baton in the other.
Terra was kneeling down in front of her, holding out a small wooden box, and grinning like an idiot.
Simon: Even the author apparently hates this character.
"Look, I ain't much for words, and I certainly have never done this before..."
Simon: Good; you would be in trouble otherwise.
Matt: I still consider him a rapist.
by now, every member of the group was staring slack-jawed at him, "...So here goes..."
Matt: Didn’t Rainbow know this was coming? Why does everyone in this story have the memory of the proverbial goldfish?
"You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Simon: Why is he using a different paragraph if it’s the same dude speaking?
I love you more than anything in this whole wide world. You're the greatest mare a stallion could dream of... but I was, wondering if we could be something... more. What I'm trying to say is..." he flipped the top off the box, "Would you marry me?"
Matt: “And just so you’re aware, I will beat you to death if you offend me. Just sayin’.”
Twilight stood there, tears of joy running down her cheeks. She whispered, "...Yes." she embraced him, holding tight to her new fiancée.
Simon: … well, that was disappointingly anticlimactic.
Matt: Sorta sums up this whole fic, doesn’t it?
The group let out a cheer, and the party continued, the two lovebirds never leaving each-others side.
~~~~~~~2 months later~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: These breaks are the best part of the fic so far. I get to keep drinking on each one.
Terra stood, barely able to restrain himself from adjusting his tie,
Simon: Come on, buy yourself one of those that you just have to stick to your shirt!
at the altar of the massive cathedral of Canterlot. The whole building was full; After all, it's not everyday Celestia herself marries a couple.
Simon: I HAVE to blame the show for this partly. But the fact that Celestia has turned into the priest that marries everypony is mind-boggling to say the least.
Matt: I hate hate hatehatehatehateHATE people who just insert crap from the show into their stories without changing anything for context. First the shooting stars, now Celestia acting as marital arbiter. This shit just KILLS me.
And it doesn't help that one of the couple is an Element of Harmony either.
Simon: I don’t give a damn about Element of Harmony, but she’s Celestia’s student. I’m sure the Princess would turn you into the most miserable pile of dust if you mess with her, at least if Shining doesn’t end you.
He saw all of Twilight's friends in the front row, and right beside them was the imposing figure of Shining Armor. His soon-to-be-brother-in-law gave him a wink, a slight grin appearing on his lips. Terra nodded back. 'No spine snapping for me today!' he thought to himself.
Matt: That will be an inevitability a few years from now, once the bliss of a new marriage has worn down and Twilight realizes that she’s just traded an abusive prick for an emotionally clingy, needy, potentially drunken and violent stalker. Words will be said, tempers will flare, and Twilight will run back to her family with bruises to spare. Shining murders Terra, but he gets off on a technicality. Twilight goes into therapy, Sour Grapes is still painfully crippled after his beating and imprisonment, and nopony lives happily ever after. Without the Element of magic, Discord finally succeeds in his coup of Equestria, and misery and death spread across the land. So, you know, that’s cool.
Simon: That would be an amazing sequel.
Matt: I’d rather read it than this, anyway.
The organ began playing,
Simon: I hope they paid you well for ensuring the pitch was perfect on that one for the wedding.
Matt: Trust me—organs are NEVER in pitch. That’s part of their charm, and most of the organ tech’s curse.
and everyone in the audience stood. Terra's gaze panned to the aisle where...
Holy Celestia...
Matt: He just realized that everypony is normally totally naked. Quite a shock to him.
Simon: Doesn’t it hurt you to see ellipses during narration, or is it just me?
Matt: It’s painful, but for just about the first time, I’m raging too hard on a stupid plot to notice.
Simon: Also the fact that this was actually written in first person in the first place. No narrator would say “Holy Celestia” unless it was a first person one. Not even the unreliable ones!
Twilight trotted down the isle,
Matt: They’re getting married in Haymaica! How romantic is that!
Simon: Hoho, that’s a good one! Haymaica! I love it!
wearing the most beautiful dress he had ever seen.
Simon: And the Oscar to the best description ever goes to... Not this author!
It matched her body perfectly,
Matt: Which makes it what color in this scene? Just checking...
and he couldn't help but grin at her wonderful smile, her eyes wide at the decorations put in place.
She stepped onto the altar,
Matt: Which put her roughly an entire body-height above everypony else.
and the ceremony began, Celestia beginning the rites. Most of it flew way over his head,
Matt: Well, Twilight was standing up there, so maybe Celestia was just speaking to her?
but he did understand one thing:
Simon: It’s REALLY hilarious to picture Celestia going “Blah blah blah blah bonds, blah blah blah wedding, blah blah blah marriage.”
Matt: *falls over laughing*
"Terra, do you take Twilight Sparkle as your lawfully wedded mare?"
Without hesitation, "I do."
"And do you, Twilight Sparkle, take Terra as your lawfully wedded stallion?"
"I do."
Celestia smiled, "Then by the powers invested in me, I pronounce you Stallion and Mare!
Simon: “You were already a stallion and a mare, but fuck it, the ceremony is like this. The difference is that you get to say it with capital letters, which means shit in spoken language, but nopony said this had to make sense.”
You may kiss the bride!"
Matt: Seems like a step backwards, but okay!
They kissed, and the audience exploded in cheers. They walked down the isle,
Matt: Most of the Haymaican islands aren’t that large.
Simon: Also, I don’t picture people just crying ovations during the kiss. Now, in some country cities, during informal weddings, we start counting to see how long the kiss lasts.
Matt: Lawl. That’s awesome.
side by side, outside to the carriage, which would take them back home.
Matt: I hope it flies, because there’s a LOT of water between here and there.
"Ready?" he asked.
"I can't wait to be home!" she said.
Simon: Why? I mean, if you were the kind of ponies that wait after getting married to bone, I’d understand it. But you had sex AND started a relationship the morning after that.
They got into the carriage, and Twilight gave him the most mischievous look, and said in the most enticing voice ever,
Matt: EVAR O_O
"What do you think we should do at home?"
He grinned, taking her in an embrace, "...Well, we still need to try out the new bed-frame... See how durable it is..."
Matt: I want to kill this guy so much.
"I couldn't agree more." she whispered.
Simon: They had sex before, but hey, we have a new bed now that they had reserved for after getting married.
Matt: Gotta save something, after all.
~~~~~~~9 months later~~~~~~
Simon: SCENE TRANSITION!
Matt: Fuck you, story. Just fuck you. I don’t even care if this counts as a drink, I know what’s coming, and I hate you for it.
"Push! Push!" said Nurse Redheart, who was holding her hooves out near the edge of the bed.
Simon: Well, that was fast. Makes me think she was pregnant BEFORE the wedding.
Matt: Pretty damn close. Because that’s the pinnacle of a mare’s life, right? Making babies. I used to be the student of Celestia herself, the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, and a multiple-time savior of the world, but man do I want to be pregnant in the kitchen and dote on a brainless Sue of a husband. Seriously, was this written by a 12 year-old?
Twilight let out a scream, and she almost squeezed the life out of her husband's hoof. "Come on Twi! It's almost out!" he wheezed, barely repressing a scream of his own.
Simon: If an alicorn comes out of that, I’m going going to punch things.
She wailed once more, before she gasped. A few seconds later, newborn squealing filled the room, and everyone smiled.
Simon: How many ponies were there paying close attention to Twilight’s slowly dilating vagina?
Matt: Aaaaaaaaaaand, that clocks in at number three on the “Things I’d rather not think about” list.
"It's a Girl!" said Nurse Redheart, bringing over a little bundle of cloth. She gave it very gently to Twilight, and the room was silent.
Wrapped up in the cloth was a purple foal, with a mane as black as the night sky.
Matt: My foal is a carbon copy of me, because fuck originality.
Simon: She had all the dominant genes.
Matt: But all the submissive personality.
She had a small stub of a horn, and she had brilliant green eyes.
Matt: Of course, she inherited them from her changeling mother, after all.
Simon: Let’s hope that spawn has no wings.
Matt: I think this was written before the S3 finale, thank the sisters.
Twilight looked over to Terra, who's eyes were weeping tears of joy.
Matt: Completely independently of the rest of his body.
She kissed him on the cheek. "You alright Honey?"
Terra wiped some of the tears from his eyes and sniffled, "...She's so beautiful..."
Simon: I’m sure that if you say otherwise, you’re pretty much dead, despite the mother being fucking tired after pulling that thing out of herself.
Matt: That might be true if Twilight had more spine than a sea sponge, which she clearly doesn’t in this story.
Nurse Redheart smiled, "So if you don't mind me asking, what's her name?"
Simon: Stormaggedon!
Matt: Buff Drinklots!
Simon: Stump Jumpkick!
Matt: Gristle McThornbody!
Simon: Dirk Hardpeck!
Matt: Fridge Largemeat!
Simon: Roll Fizzlebeef!
Matt: Big McLargehuge!
They looked down at the baby foal, who was resting in the blankets, innocent of anything. They both said in unison;
"Midnight Rain."
Matt: Laaaaaaaaaaaaame.
Simon: Fuck you to hell and back!
Matt: Maybe Tay Zonday can make a song about her and save this.
THE END
Simon: Well, we won’t have to go through the life of that filly anyways.
Matt: Thank goodness. That was tragically bad. I’ve never SEEN so many OOC ponies before.
Simon: Damn, that was crazy indeed. So much self-gratification, because the author slipped the fact that this was basically his OC/ponysona.
Matt: Bascially? I haven’t seen self-insert this blatant since the TWE days.
Simon: And that’s saying something. I really had serious problems with the story, especially the information given about the character that brought nothing about him whatsoever. The only reason that the fact that he was a former Royal Guard was mentioned was because it made the relationship with Shining Armor much easier. And that he could kick all the asses because military training and shit.
Matt: I could point to any number of issues if I felt so inclined. Grammatically, punctuation-wise, plot-wise—this story has so many problems it hurts. Yet, ALL of it falls aside when I think about the fact that our “hero” took advantage of an emotionally and mentally broken abuse victim and everything was happy ever after. Fuck this story.
Simon: Well, I’m happy that this thing’s over. I’m fearing that this won’t end up here. The stench of spin-offs and follow-ups is strong. Let’s hope I’m wrong.
Matt: To date, I think we’re safe. I don’t think this story got enough of a viewing to satisfy such a self-absorbed author, but we’ll remain on guard anyway.
Simon: Indeed. Well, let’s go out and have a beer or something. We’ve earned it.
Matt: Away!
-fin-