MPPT3K Guest Submission:
Faulty Hoofcuffs, Chapter 1
Hooray guest submission! Today Grey Capstan takes on a clop fic called "Faulty Hoofcuffs". Personally I don't think the writing's that bad. There are some moments (clop-logic, as Grey Capstan calls it), but it's certainly more palatable that a good amount of the crap-clop I do. While it isn't the best thing since Eternal, it doesn't cause your eyes to melt in their sockets. For the readers in my audience that like clop, I'd recommend giving it a read without the riffing.
Hi everyone, Grey Capstan here (with or without the space – your choice). I’ve always been a huge fan of MST3K so when I discovered MPPT3K I was elated (and not disappointed in the least). I knew I had to make my own riff at some point but I was just waiting for the right fic to do it with… and I think I’ve found it. It’s called “Faulty Hoofcuffs” by Sam Cole. (Un-riffed version can be found here.) Fair Warning: It’s a clop-fic. Honestly, it’s not too bad for a clop-fic; I like the concept, the characterizations are mostly on, and the writing shows potential. However, it really could have used a few more passes through the proof-reading machine, and… well, how about I let the MPPT3K crew do the talking for me? Technically this is the first of what will supposedly be several chapters. I’ll be sure to riff the other chapters when/if they come out. But enough of me, have some riffing!
Twilight: So, what’s this “fresh new concept” you wanted to talk to us about?
Author: You see, there’s been this recent trend of meta-fics: fics that are about writing fics.
Rarity: Uh-huh…
Author: And that’s a nice concept and all, but I think it could be expanded upon. *pounds fist into hand* We need to go deeper.
Twilight: And how do you propose to do that?
Author: It’s like this: It’s a story about Celestia reading a meta-fic and contacting the author to tell him he did a good job with it. Then, he writes another fic about being contacted by Celestia, and that fic gets read by Luna…
Rarity: Stop.
Author: Already sold on it?
Rarity: No. It’s just that I had lunch not too long ago and I’d like to keep it in my stomach.
Author: It can’t be that bad an idea, can it? I was even thinking of putting in a fourth-wall joke where I reference the guy who wrote this riff.
Twilight: “Guy who wrote this riff”? What are you talking about?
(The doors swing shut and lock.)
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) As much as I like a good fourth-wall joke, we’ve got something better!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) We’ve got an extra-special treat for you guys today.
Rarity: And, pray tell, what would that be?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s a silly little RariTwi story called “Faulty Hoofcuffs”.
Author: A shipping-comedy or something? Doesn’t sound too bad.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) What Pinks forgot to mention is that it’s a clop-fic with fetish undertones written by someone who’s never heard of compound words.
Twilight: *sighs* This never can be easy, can it?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Nope! Off you go!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Please support the official release. Also all characters used in clop are of age, and should be viewed as such.
Author: I’m pretty sure almost everyone who will read this will be familiar with the show.
Twilight: And all characters used in clop are of age? Even the Cutie Mark Crusaders? What if someone used Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake?
Rarity: Twilight! The last thing we need is for you to give them ideas.
Twilight Sparkle exhaled loudly
Author: And was cited for disturbing the peace, and was arrested. The End.
Twilight: It’s never that easy, author; it’s never that easy.
Author: Doesn’t hurt to try.
Rarity: Also: no title? No author? I much prefer a formal introduction.
as she walked down the street to her library home, tucking her chin down against to cold autumn wind.
"Damn it all," She said with a gruff,
Rarity: A gruff what?
Author: She channels her thoughts through her McGruff the Crime Dog puppet.
"All I wanted was one good romp in the hay, why do they all think I'm a virgin or looking to settle down?" She asked to the empty street. Twilight was regretting having to come home to her toy collection yet again,
Twilight: My blocks despise me.
having failed, yet again, to pick up a partner. She had tried cafes, bars, rodeos,
Rarity: I believe you’re taking “bucking” a little too literally, Twilight.
even a dating service that only set her up with one colt, and that was the worst one yet.
Author: He just kept going on and on about time travel and screwdrivers and pears.
Twilight opened her door with her magic, head still down. Had she been looking, she would have seen poor Spike right there.
Twilight: Bumming for change.
"Hiya Twilgughgh!" Spike said as Twilight knocked him over into the door way.
Rarity: Oh my goodness, he’s drowning!
"Oh, Spike! I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Are you okay?" Twilight asked her assistant and friend.
Author: And maid.
Rarity: And cook.
Twilight: (Flatly) Very funny.
"Uh, yeah, just swallowed the gum I was chewing..." Spike said looking down, a little miffed.
"Sorry. I'll be more careful next time Spike. By the way, where are you off too?" Twilight asked as she dropped off her scarf and boots by the door.
Twilight: “You behave yourselves at school, now!”
"I was going over to Rarity's for a Cutie Mark Crusader sleep over. I promised to help out," Spike said rising his chest with pride.
Twilight: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Heart Surgeons! Yay!”
"Anything for Rarity huh?" Twilight teased as she walked into her bedroom nook and started brushing her hair. Hurry up and go Spike, Twilight thought, I want to read some after I take care of myself.
Rarity: (To Twilight) Sheesh, Spike is such a bother, delaying your night of coitus and all. How ever you do put up with him?
Twilight: I manage.
"Yeah... Rarity..." Spike said with a grin on his face and his eyes glazed over.
"What ever lover boy," Twilight said with a giggle,
Author: Oh, that wacky dragon and his want of companionship.
"Scoot, the doors open and its cold out."
"Oh, yeah, Bye Twilight, see you tomorrow,"
Twilight: What’s a “Bye Twilight”?
Author: That’s when you don’t have a game this week.
Spike said hopping out the door and banging it closed.
Author: At least he could have engaged in some foreplay.
(Twilight and Rarity facehoof, shaking their heads)
Author: What?
The sound of silence settled into the library as Twilight exhaled, glad for the turn of events letting her get to work that much faster. She opened up a hidden compartment of the floor
Author: Jinkies!
and took out her favorite pink and lavender knee socks, hoof-cuffs, and purple stallion stand in.
Rarity: She had to shoo away the family of rats that was gnawing on them.
Twilight hummed to her self as she took great care in rolling the socks up her slender legs, taking great care to massage her legs and warm them up before going farther.
Twilight: It was going to be quite an evening of ice-fishing.
She had all night, why not enjoy it?
Twilight: I thought that was the point.
Author: Shows what you know.
She settled onto her bed as she floated the hoof-cuffs over to her self, stroking the cool metal against her stomach and chest, letting them rise slowly up her forelegs, til they found the point right below her hoofs, and clicked the right one shut.
Author: “You have the right to remain adorkable!”
Twilight: *death glare* I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that.
Twilight then looped the chain around the bedpost and secured her left fore leg to the post, already getting wet thinking of the pleasure to come.
Rarity: It was actually a leaky roof but I wasn’t going to spoil her mood.
She floated the stallion replica over to her, and with a giggle licked around the head of the plastic lover. She took great care in looping her tongue around and around the purple unit,
Rarity: How long is that tongue, exactly?
flicking her tongue gently over the fake opening and then licking all the way down the shaft, wetting it with her saliva
Twilight: As opposed to what?
Author: Trust me; if the author just said “wetting it” it could’ve left a lot of squick-room in our imaginations.
as she picked up speed, ready to feel the toy inside of her if she could not have the real thing. She moaned as she placed the unit against her already swollen lips,
Author: Damn bees.
rubbing it up and down, in these cute, tiny circles over her tender love button. She slid the unit in, gasping as she expanded to meet the new object.
Author: So I guess that makes this a “self-insert” fic.
(Twilight and Rarity smack him in the back of the head)
Author: I regret nothing.
She used the toy a lot, but was gifted to have a constantly tight pussy, and oh so sensitive.
Author: I never thought I’d have to describe someone as having a “Mary Sue vagina”. *ducks to avoid next series of head-smacks*
She slowly pushed the plastic in, inch by glorious inch, til it rested hilt deep inside of her. Twilight could feel her muscles squeezing and milking the fake cock, wanting to make it come, but
Author: It was already there.
alas she would have to settle for a fake again. She started to pull back on the toy with her telekinesis when her worst fear ever happened,
Rarity: She was disowned by Princess Celestia?
Author: She got sent back to Magic Kindergarten?
Twilight: She realized she was surrounded by tons of spelling and grammatical errors?
there was a knock on the door.
All: AAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
Rarity: Anything but that!
Twilight tried in vane to open the cuffs, but
Twilight: Discovered the vane was only good for detecting wind direction.
found the key to not work in the shackles any more.
"Stupid cheap cuffs!" She yelled at the metal bindings.
Author: That’s the last time she’ll ever shop at Spencer’s.
"Come back later... Unless your a lock smith!" Twilight yelled at the door. There was a moment as the pony responsible
Twilight: Must not have been Rainbow Dash, then.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Hey! I heard that!
thought for a second, then opened the door cautiously and poked her head in, revealing it to be little Fluttershy.
Author: I’m pretty sure Fluttershy is about the same size as Twilight.
Twilight: No, they mean “little” as in “little relevance to the plot”.
"Twilight, are you okay? I thought you said locksmith?" Fluttershy asked, unable to see Twilight from her spot on the floor.
"Fluttershy, quick, please go get Pinkie, she has hoof cuff keys, right?" Twilight asked.
Author: I’m not gonna ask how she knows that.
Rarity: I smell a prequel.
"Yeeeesssss.
Twilight: Creepy.
Author: I imagine her saying that in the voice of the “Yes Guy” from The Simpsons.
Why?" Fluttershy asked as she made her way to the stairs. Twilight's heart was in overdrive as she thought for a way to get Fluttershy to stop.
"I... um... crap.
Rarity: Frankly, dear, we all do.
I'll explain later, please, just go find some keys?" Twilight asked of her friend. She really didn't want to tell Fluttershy, but after this incident, she knew she had to. And of course Pinkie. Which would make it a group thing.
Author: I believe the saying goes: “Keep your friends close and your sex toys closer.”
Twilight: And a working set of keys.
So while Fluttershy left, Twilight quickly pulled out the toy, her tension from almost being caught and just the feeling it made sliding out pushed Twilight over the edge as she climaxed,
Author: Wait, already? That can only mean…
Twilight: *gulps* …There’s going to be more clop to come.
Rarity: No pun intended, I hope.
pulling against the irons and bucking her hips to the sensation. Maybe I can try that later, Twilight thought
Twilight: Try what? I think I kind of already “tried” it.
after a second of gleeful sensation, kind of turned on by nearly being caught. But soon enough, the whole gang, to include Rarity, the Cutie mark crusaders, and Spike where there. Pinkie had made a big show of Twilight needing help apparently.
Author: “Hey everypony, Twilight’s caught herself in a sexually compromising position! Bring the kids!”
Thank Celestia I hid the dildo,
Rarity: “Because Celestia controls my every movement.”
Author: It wouldn’t be the first fic to do that.
Twilight thought to her self as they came up and worked to get her free.
Twilight: Hold on, I just thought of something.
Author and Rarity: What is it?
Twilight: If the keys made specifically for the cuffs didn’t work, then why would Pinkie Pie’s keys work?
(All are silent, deep in thought.)
Author: It’s magic. Because Pinkie Pie. Clop-logic. Take your pick.
Rarity: Perhaps Pinkie has a skeleton key.
Twilight: No wonder she can pop up anywhere she likes.
"Why did ya go and cuff yer self to a bed for Miss Twilight?" Apple bloom asked as Twilight lowered her aching forelegs.
Rarity: “An’ what’s with that there wet spot on yer sheets?”
"Hahaha, well, I just got these and I was playing around with them, and wouldn't you know it, the key didn't work on them," Twilight said, honest but clean, hoping none of her friends looked too deeply into the matter.
Author: Seems legit.
"But why would you get hoofcuffs in the first place?" Sweetie Bell
Author: Home of the Sweetie Chalupa.
asked, her head tilled to one side.
Twilight: Accidents like that can happen if you aren’t being careful while gardening.
"Um... I thought they were neat?" Twilight said, which apparently flew over really well with the kids, they thought the cuffs were cool too, and were soon trying to be cutie mark escape artist.
Author: They became a hive mind at that point.
Twilight: They’re just going to love my straightjacket, my ball-gag, my waterboard…
Then cutie mark lock smiths as they found Scootaloo could not get out to the cuffs. Everypony shared a laugh and filled out,
Twilight: Tax forms.
Rarity: Pesky things.
Rarity telling Spike to take the girls home, she would catch up in a second.
Rarity: So, was Scootaloo still in the cuffs?
Author: Spike likes where this is going.
"Twilight, Darling. You explained the cuffs, but not
Twilight: “Why you agreed to be in this crappy story.”
those lovely knee socks," Rarity said with a smile looking at Twilight's legs.
"Oh, these old things?" Twilight said blushing a starting to stumble over her words,
Rarity: When’s the last time you had that library cleaned?
Author: She bangs her shins on an adverb.
"Well, y-y-you see, haha, um... Yeah..." Twilight failed to communicate and settled on a cheesy smile to do the work.
Author: (To Twilight) Do you do any of your own work?
(Twilight punches Author in the face)
Rarity: (To Author) That was low, dear.
Why am I so nervous, it's not that I'm being caught, I could have said I was cold.
Twilight: I also could have just stayed silent when Fluttershy was at the door, so she would think I wasn’t home and leave. And then I could have used that extra time to use my magic to pick the lock or break the chain or hover something over to break the chain, or try the key some more or slip out of the cuffs. And if that all failed, I could have just waited for Spike to come home and free me since he was going to find out either way! And then Rarity would… *falls back into seat, gasping for air*
Author: *pats Twilight’s back* Breathe.
Rarity: *joins in on back-patting* Now now, Twilight, relax. We’ll make it through this. We always do.
Why does it matter that Rarity is looking at my legs? Does she really like them? Twilight thought to herself, except for accidentally saying that last question out loud.
Author: “Only I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”
Rarity: “Twilight, why are you speaking in third person?”
"Hmm, yes I do. They are absolutely," Rarity said
Twilight: I agree, very absolutely. That’s why I bought them.
leaning in to whisper into Twilight's ear. "Naughty."
RatherHomely: (Shudders at this word.)
The word set Twilight's heart back into overdrive, going a million beats a minute. Just feeling Rarity's warm breath on her ear, her sweet, angelic voice so close to her sent Twilight for a loop.
Author: She picked up 5 rings, sped through a tunnel and landed on some Speed Shoes.
And the word, the way she let the N drag, the -ty hang from her lip,
Author: “Uh, Rarity, I think you have a little something on your lip.”
Rarity: “Oh, sorry. I just came from a –ty party.” *giggles*
gifting it to Twilight's eardrum, a small present from the white unicorn. Twilight shuddered at the exchange,
Twilight: “Ugh. I hope she kept the receipt.”
leaning her head ever so slightly to the unicorn and brushing her check to Rarity's, to which Rarity didn't really seem to mind. Was it just Twilight's imagination, or was Rarity blushing too? Twilight's brain lagged,
Author: Because she was using Comcast.
it seemed to be full of cotton candy as she leaned into Rarity, wanting more words to float to her, and ended up losing her balance, A quick second of panic and Twilight was standing there, laughing at her clumsiness.
Oh my Twilight thought to her self
Twilight: Sorry, but this is going to really bug me. It’s “herself”. One word.
Rarity: At this point, that’s like going to Tartarus and complaining about the bad lighting.
Author: We’re still in Hell either way.
as she looked into Rarity's eyes. Those big, beautiful sapphire eyes that filled Twilight's soul with glee and.. and some strange alien emotion.
Author: I shall call it: “Zxxrgrblnnxyqa”.
It was like the love she felt for all of her friends, but magnified a million times. It was intoxicating. Have I always felt this way? Twilight thought. I always related to Rarity well, and enjoyed my time with her as I do all of my friends. But what is this longing I have, I don't want sex right now, I just got off?
Twilight: I think so; I can’t remember now.
Why am I thinking about Rarity like this? I just want to see her smile,
Author: Get a job at McDonald’s.
hear her voice, see her early in the morning and late at night. I just want to hold her, talking for hours about absolutely nothing.
I have never felt like this before.
Author: “Sudden feelings of love and wanting for a close friend, brought on by an awkward social encounter? Nurse, have this patient admitted immediately; she’s got a bad case of shipititus.”
"Twilight dear? Are you alright?" Rarity asked the unicorn, fearing her coy teasing had sent Twilight over the edge.
Author: She shouldn’t have left her window open.
Way to go Rarity. You wanted to tell Twilight for months now that you loved her, that you could not imagine life with out her, and now she is locked up solid.
Rarity: “Well, she was until we freed her.”
I should have known she didn't feel that way towards me. Stupid stupid Rarity. Rarity turned quickly and exited the library,
Author: The End.
Rarity: *looks over at Author* Oh, so you’d like for it to end with my heart broken and my soul crushed?
Author: If it means not having to sit through this anymore, then yes.
Rarity: …I concur.
muttering something about having to see to Spike and the girls, make sure her house was still standing.
Way to go Twilight, The lavender mare thought, you just scared her off by being a total spaz. I should really look up what I was felling,
Twilight: I was “felling” through an open window to the ground, remember?
see if there is a psychological solution for my reaction. Rarity slumped against the library door outside,
Author: As her paragraph slumped against the end of Twilight’s.
the wind cutting into her as she stifled a tear, thinking to her self.
Rarity: “I thought the wind was my friend!”
Twilight: “Sorry, but your number came up.”
Brilliant Rarity. Way to scare her off. I bet she never wants to see me again. I am never going to leave my shop again She thought in her typical dramatic fashion.
Rarity: How I act is hardly dramatic!
Twilight and Author: …
Rarity: I’ll take that silence as an agreeance.
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Rarity: Ants! Eeek! *jumps off of seat*
Twilight: Calm down Brutus; it’s a scene transition.
Author: “Now with 20% more dashes than necessary!”
The night passed without incident,
Author: Thanks for letting us know.
and the next day, Twilight braved the fresh snow fall to visit everyone at Sugarcube Corner. Upon arriving though, she found a certain fashionista was oddly absent.
Twilight: Sapphire Shores?
Rarity: (Sitting back down) She’s always ducking out of her appointments.
"Well if it ain't ol' lock em' up Twilight," Applejack teased as Twilight took a seat next to them, happy to be in the warm room now.
Author: “Lock Em’ Up Twilight, from Hasbro!”
"Haha, I guess I deserve that for locking myself up with out checking that the cuffs worked first. Where is Rarity?" Twilight asked the gang.
"She said she couldn't make it today, had to much work to catch up on, what with this early winter, Dashie," Pinkie said, finishing with a glare at Rainbow Dash.
Author: Well, it was nice knowing her.
Twilight: *sighs* How many times are we going to make that joke?
Author: Until people stop making Cupcakes sequels.
"What? Winter solstice is just a week away. It was time for snow," Rainbow said lifting her head from her hot cocoa. She sported a nice whipped cream 'stash,
Rarity: I hope she intends on sharing her stash with everypony else.
to a round of giggles from the ponies there. "What? Whats so funny?"
"Nuthin' Rainbow Stash," Applejack said with a laugh.
"Oh..." Rainbow said, happily licking the stash clean.
Author: “Tonight, the role of Rainbow Dash will be played by Tony Montana.”
"So Twilight, Um, I was wondering, why it was you were in handcuffs yesterday,
Twilight: “’Hand’cuffs? What are those?”
Rarity: You’d think the author would be able to remember to use “hoofcuffs”; it’s in the title of the story, after all.
if you don't mind my asking that is?" Fluttershy said as she looked up from her cup, but not through her bangs.
Rarity: So, not looking at all, then.
"Oh, yeah, I promised I would tell you. I just wanted to keep it down in front of the kids. I was, well... you know," Twilight said drawing small circles on the table with her hoof looking down.
Author: “Using my Spirograph.”
Everypony at the table leaned in, sensing that this secret was not one Twilight would part with easily.
"Yes?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head almost completely sideways.
Twilight: I’d say it was around 82.4 degrees of rotation, roughly speaking.
"I was trying to get off," Twilight said a little deflated. But to the others, this was not a big deal. They just laughed at it, in all truth.
Author: (Imitating Pinkie Pie) “Silly Twilight, how were you going to get off the bed if you hoofcuffed yourself to it?”
"Well shoot Twi,
Twilight: That seems like an awful harsh punishment.
ya just need a coltfriend, then ya won't have ta lock yer self up like that," Applejack said with a laugh sitting back.
Author: So, she wouldn’t engage in bondage fantasies if she had a lover? The fetish would just disappear?
"I've, never done that though..." Twilight said still looking down.
"I understand, your first time is special, you want it to be perfect. And we can help get you ready egghead, better than any book at least," Rainbow said with a smug look.
Twilight: “Alright, which one of us is gonna put on the colt costume?”
Rarity: (Imitating Fluttershy) “I’ll do it.”
Twilight: “Nah, you got to do it last time. Give somepony else a chance!”
"Oh no, I've bucked before. I've never had a relationship," Twilight said looking up now. Spoons fell loudly,
Twilight: “Hey, could you keep it down back there!?”
Author: (Imitating Mr. Cake) “Sorry!”
and cocoa was spit out by the shear shock of what had just been said.
"What? How have you made love with out being in a relationship?" Fluttershy asked. Twilight's four friends wore matching looks of shock and realization now, a sight Rarity would have loved, or so Twilight thought.
Author: She gets turned on by the sound of rustled jimmies.
Rarity: I don’t even know what “jimmies” are, but rustling is such a barbaric noise.
"I never made love, I just fooled around back in Canterlot. I would pick up a partner when ever I was horny, buck til I felt better, then carry on with my studies.
Author: And I thought I did some crazy things during mid-terms.
But ever since I moved to Ponyville, I have not been able to get one hook up. Not a one. What is it girls? Am I not pretty here?" Twilight asked, feeling self conscious all of the sudden.
"Nnnnooooo, you're pretty Twilight. It's just, well..." Pinkie started.
Rarity: “Your breath stinks. Constantly. Like garlic and brimstone. You could send your own letters with it.”
"Ponyville colts ain't like that. All colts out here are raised to be gentlecolts, only engaging in relations once in a committed relationship," Applejack finished.
Author: And only through a hole in the sheets.
"Wait, everypony? Even the mares?" Twilight asked a little taken aback.
"Well duh. The mares need the colts to fool around," Pinkie said rolling her eyes. "Silly Twilight. How else could two ponies have an intimate relationship?"
Author: Well, get yourself some felt and a needle…
Rarity: Don’t you dare bring that monstrosity up.
"You're serious?" Twilight asked looking at her friends.
"Yep, as a heart attack. That must be why the Princess sent ya down here, to learn bout love and stuff, first from friends, then romantic. This will make quite a letter, huh?" Applejack said nudging Twilight,
Twilight: “Dear Princess Celestia: Today I learned that you are a sick pervert who cons me into having sexual relations for your peruvial enjoyment.”
Author: You just figured that one out?
who mumbled agreeably, shocked at the lack of understanding. They don't even recognize the idea that two mares could be in love. Does that mean Rarity could never love me then? What if I am in love with her, but she is scared about that kind of thing? What if that's why she didn't come out today? Twilight thought, and again letting slip the last thought as a stated question.
Twilight: Oh come on, not again!
Rarity: You really need to learn the difference between thinking and speaking.
"What do you mean Twilight? Are you talking about Rarity? You think she didn't come out because your promiscuity scared her?" Pinkie asked looking at Twilight with saddened eyes.
Author: “What’s that, Twilight? Timmy’s trapped in the well?”
"I..." Twilight started.
"It's okay sugar cube. We love ya for who ya are," Applejack said with a friendly smile.
Twilight: “Even if ya are an unholy sex-cravin’ tramp.”
"Thanks," Twilight said putting on a great false smile, hiding the questions in her heart. Would you all still love me if you knew I was different?
Author: And, wouldn’t ya know it, she said it out loud again.
Twilight: “Augh! How does this keep HAPPENING!?”
"I have to go talk with Rarity, thank you girls so much," Twilight said hugging everypony then getting up and heading out to the Carousel Boutique.
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Rarity: I think it’s time for a well-deserved break; don’t you two agree?
Twilight: Yes, please.
Author: We better get our heads together before the lovey-dovey stuff occurs.
Twilight: I think there’s going to be more than just “lovey-dovey stuff” going on.
Author: I know; wishful thinking. Let’s go.
Author: So, what do two think about the story so far?
Rarity: Well, it’s certainly not the worst thing we’ve ever had to read.
Author: Sad to think that that counts as a compliment nowadays.
Twilight: I’m just hung up on the fact that the whole premise of the story revolves around me shouting at somepony who could’ve been a total stranger, “Hey, I’m hoofcuffed to the bed, the door’s unlocked.”
Author: And that it doesn’t occur to everypony right away that a pony hoofcuffed to the bed wearing provocative clothing doesn’t have sexual intentions. Speaking of which, there’s a big obsession in the fandom about ponies wearing socks. Do you guys wear them that often?
Twilight: I don’t even own a pair.
Rarity: I have a few, but I find it more suitable to stay warm with a nice pair of silk pajamas.
Author: (To TV) How about you two?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) No way!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) I don’t have any, but after reading this story I wanna have some just like the ones Twilight wears!
Author: Really? Why is that?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Because they’re naughty, and I’ve always wanted to be a boat captain!
All: …
Twilight: I’m not even going to pretend to get that.
(Buzzer sounds)
All: Story sign!
Twilight walked briskly and soon found herself at the door to fashion mare's shop home.
Rarity: Which was convenient, because that’s where she wanted to go.
She raised a hoof tentatively to knock, but stopped when she worried about what to say. She was about to put her hoof down when the door flew open inwards and Sweetie Bell ran out right under Twilight's raised hoof.
"Oh, Sis, Twilight's here! Go ahead in," Sweetie Bell said to Twilight.
Haha,
Author: The fun has been doubled! *is viciously attacked by Twilight and Rarity*
great, now I can't back down. The two mares thought simultaneously. Twilight said her thanks to Sweetie Bell
Author: Open ‘til midnight or later.
before entering the Shop and knocking the powder off her hooves by the door on a mat laid out just for that.
Author: Powder, huh? Is that what she meant by being “different”?
Twilight: I’m pretty sure that’s the snow.
Author: Or maybe she dug into Rainbow’s stash.
She trotted into the studio and found Rarity hard at work studying a particular garment.
"Twilight, dear, what brings you about?" Rarity said as she turned to Twilight, trying to hide the picture of the Purple mare she had just been looking at.
Author: I don’t blame her; Cheerilee is pretty cute.
"Rarity, about yesterday... um, I, gee," Twilight said, starting to feel hot as her blush rose and her ears laid back against her head.
"Oh, Twilight, I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfortable, I was just kidding around," Rarity said,
Rarity: “I think your socks are naughty strictly in a Platonic way.”
her eyes pleading to the mare that if nothing else, let her not hate me. For Twilight though, upon hearing those words, it felt like her heart broke into a million pieces.
Author: I believe I read about this one in Extremely Worn Out Love Metaphors, 2nd Edition.
Twilight: You have that book too?
She had just imagined Rarity blushing too, just imagined everything. And to think, said the magical student to her self, I had just figure out I loved her, I don't know when, but I do. And now...
"Oh, Rarity, I was afraid I had made you uncomfortable," Twilight said, breaking free of her infatuation. Fearing that her heart was broken forever, her tongue was much more cooperative.
Author: Her tongue was forced to listen to the entire John Tesh discography.
"How ever would you have made me unsettled darling?" Rarity asked her friend, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted, but noticing a rather subtle change in Twilight's body language. If it had been any pony else they would have missed it, but not Rarity and her eye for detail.
Twilight: Derpy would’ve been able to see the change in body language and the moth on the ceiling.
"I um..." Twilight started, unsure how to continue.
Author: Hold A and press START.
Rarity was a little piqued though, but Twilight could not notice over her fight to just control her own mouth again, she had to tell her friend all these compromising details. "I was being a little... physical yesterday, brushing your check
Rarity: “The bank won’t take it if it’s all messy.”
and leaning in to you," Twilight said to the floor, hoping Rarity could hear. "I understand now that here in Ponyville it's unheard of for a mare to like another mare, and I'm sorry if I made you think I was doing anything else. I was just...well, it's nothing now Rarity."
"Darling, I was..." This time Rarity took a turn at locking up,
Twilight: “Careful, those keys are kinda persnickety.”
" I um, well, that is, I kind of..." Inside there was a war, Rarity's heart vs her mind.
Author: Whoever wins, the readers lose.
Her mind was saying that what Rarity wanted to believe was not true, but her heart said it was. The heart called out, straining to be heard, to be felt, understood. She had to say it! She had to, her heart told her so, and if her love was true, then it would be rewarded. If not...
Author: She could still spin the wheel at the Showcase Showdown.
"It's okay Rarity, I understand," Twilight said walking over to hug Rarity, glad to have cleared the air between them. If nothing else, she thought, I can keep her in my life as my friend. The one that got away...
Rarity: “Hello, Constant Reminder That I’m A Failure At Love.”
Twilight: “Hey, what’s up?
"Twilight I love you!" Rarity said with her eyes forced shut, scrunching all of her muscles up to be able to force out her confession. She let out a large breath as she let those four words escape her. She didn't know if it was right to say it, but she couldn't hold it in any longer.
"I'm sorry, what?!" Twilight said a little too loud in hindsight,
Author: “I’M SORRY, WHAT?!”
Twilight: “WE COMMANDETH THAT THOU EXPLAIN THYSELF!”
Because she felt like scum when Rarity flinched at the question. "I'm sorry Rarity, I have been struggling with my feelings for a bit now, to find that our friends don't really like the idea of two mares loving each other..."
"I'm sorry Twilight, but I had to tell you. I have loved you for months now.
Rarity: “Exactly two months from last Tuesday.”
Twilight: “What was so special about that day?”
Rarity: “When I saw you open the mailbox with such grace, I knew it was meant to be.”
The way you always need to read about a situation before you try it. The way you brush your mane so it splits right at your highlights.
Author: “The way you impale birds with your horn.”
Twilight: That was a one-time thing! And I still owe Fluttershy a huge favor.
Even the way you get angry and burst into flames. I love you Twilight, each and every detail. Please don't hate me," Rarity said looking up into those beautiful lavender pools that shown the World perfectly. Rarity was almost in tears as she watched Twilight sit,
Twilight: On Opalescence.
inches away, stunned, trying to wrap her head around the concept that she had just heard.
Twilight just leaned in, with out a word, and put her mouth to Rarity's. Reaching up with her right hoof, Twilight placed it behind Rarity's head, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Rarity was shocked as first,
Rarity: Dumbfounded as second, gobsmacked as third…
but soon she subsided to the pleasure. Please dear Celestia, if I'm dreaming, let me finish! Rarity thought as she felt Twilight tongue press against her lips. Rarity parted her soft lips, happy to let Twilight explore inside of her waiting mouth.
Twilight: “Wow, Rarity, you keep gems in here, too?”
She moved her own tongue to touch Twilight's, happy to see she eagerly wrapped her tongue around Rarity's and played with it,
Rarity: I swear, that thing must be a foot long.
Author: That’s what she *is smacked by Twilight*
eliciting a small moan of pleasure from the white unicorn.
Author: Why is it that, in all of these clop-fics, they’re always “eliciting” moans? Why can’t they “draw out” or “extract” them?
Twilight: Moan Extract, a must in every kitchen.
Twilight leaned into the kiss more, taking her left foreleg and wrapping it around Rarity's waist, pulling the mare close as Rarity in turn threw her legs, both fore and aft, around Twilight.
Author: She was going in for the pin.
Twilight gently at first, then with more passion, lowered Rarity to the floor, laying on top of her as she continued to pull her friend into a deeper and deeper kiss. Rarity was in heaven,
Twilight: Whoops.
Rarity: If only you had given me a chance to catch my breath!
feeling the mare she loved kiss her as such was the best feeling ever. Twilight rubbed her hoof down the white coat, twirling her hoof around the closest of three little diamonds that made Rarity's cutie mark. Rarity moaned in pleasure as she felt the pressure on her flank,
Author: Okay, this is another thing I’ve seen in clop-fics before. Are your cutie marks really more sensitive than the rest of your skin?
Rarity: Well, if they were, then it would be quite an awkward experience every time we sat down or wore saddlebags on our backs, don’t you think?
Twilight: At least it’d make shopping more fun.
her hooves pulling hard at Twilight's back as she did so, begging her to keep going.
"What in the hay are you two doing!?!" Sweetie Bell asked as she came back in with her two friends. They all sat open mouthed looking at the two mares on the floor. Rarity broke the kiss now, looking to her sister.
Rarity: And then I woke up.
Author: “Dammit Trollestia!”
"Sweetie, how long have you all been there?" Rarity asked with a slight chuckle to her voice.
"Not long enough," Scootaloo said, her wings standing straight out.
All: …
Rarity: Well…
Author: I, uh…
Twilight: Huh…
Author: I’d make a “chicken salad surgery” joke but I don’t think anyone would get it.
Rarity: Let’s just move on.
"You don't have to stop just because of us," She ventured. She grumbled when Twilight sat bolt upright, and Rarity rose a second later, adjusting her mane.
"Girls, please knock in the future," Rarity said as she and Twilight competed for the best blush ever award.
Author: Unfortunately, their formula lost to Maybelline.
"But I live here," Sweetie Bell protested.
Rarity: No she doesn’t.
"Um..." Rarity started.
"Don't worry girls, why don't we continue this discussion at the library, Rarity," Twilight said full of poise.
"But y'all was kissin' not talkin'?" Apple Bloom said trying to wrap her head around what she saw.
Rarity: “How do we put this in a way Applebloom can understand?”
Twilight: “Well, we, uh, mistook each other’s tonsils for apples and started bobbing for them.”
"It was a very nice talk," Twilight said.
"So very nice," Rarity smiled at Twilight.
"Get a room," Sweetie said as she and Apple Bloom pushed Scootaloo out the door to Sweetie's bedroom.
(A short pause, followed by laughter)
Twilight: Okay, I gotta admit, that was pretty funny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twilight and Rarity walked along the empty street to their destination, flank to flank, laughing all the while.
Author: Bells on bobtails were ringing, making spirits bright.
Twilight was happy now, and she didn't know why, just being with Rarity was enough. Soon they rounded the corner, and bumped into another friend, but right now, that term was used loosely.
"Well there ya two are!" Applejack said as she saw the two mares.
Twilight: “Oh boy, here comes Applejack.”
Rarity: “Ugh. Do we have to put up with this jerk again?”
"Why are y'all walking like that an' laughin?"
Author: “Are yew two havin’ fun? Not on mah watch!”
"Oh, hello Applejack," Twilight said, her mind reeling for an excuse. Thank Celestia for Rarity.
Rarity: I agree.
"What a pleasure Applejack. Twilight came by and offered to show me something at the library,
Author: …Too easy.
but I was a tinny bit cold, so I'm trying to warm up against her," Rarity said with a laugh.
"Shoot, don't blame y'all. It's mighty frigid out here. What was Rainbow Dash thinkin?" Applejack said, her discontent for the cold distracting her.
Rarity: Why, the nerve of that pony and her insistence on maintaining the seasons.
"She is too busy with Soarin these days dear, you know that," Rarity said with a shiver, as she dug into Twilight's mane. She took the chance to inhale deeply of Twilight's scent, the hint of lavender and lilacs laying beautifully in the mare's mind.
Author: And here’s another thing. Do your manes really smell like things that are the same color as your hair? I mean, I can understand Pinkie Pie’s smelling like cotton candy since she works around sweets, but does yours smell like lilacs, Twilight?
Twilight: Would you like to find out?
Author: Um… really?
Twilight: Sure. Give it a shot.
Author: Well, alright. *leans in, takes a cautious sniff, then reels back* Blech! *coughs* Smells like dust-mites and book paste!
Twilight: Well, there you go.
Author: (To Rarity) Can I smell yours?
Rarity: No.
"Yeah, she has been mighty happy with her coltfriend. Speakin' of which," Applejack started to Twilight's horror,
Twilight: To pull out a knife!
Author and Rarity: NOOO!
she had neglected to tell Rarity about the cover up, "We want to help Twilight here learn to date, we found out she ain't never had a coltfriend in her life."
"Really?" Rarity said with a chuckle.
"Yep, but she is ready to give up sleepin' round, just as the Princess would have it, right Twilight?" Applejack said.
Author: “Ya ready ta give up yer life of prostitutin’, Twilight Whorekle?”
Rarity pulled away to get a better view of Twilight, looking into the lavender mare's eyes for the answer, knowing it would make her the happiest mare ever, or destroy her fragile heart forever.
Author: That one was in the book, too. Page 68.
With a happy smile, one so slight only Rarity was privileged to see,
Twilight: Because she was using binoculars.
she said just above a whisper "I hope so, I want something more." Rarity's heart soared at the answer. If Applejack had not been there, she was sure she would have kissed Twilight, longingly, deeply.
Rarity: What a buzzkill.
Author: Something tells me the person who wrote this isn’t a huge Applejack fan.
"Well ain't that the best news ever. Way ta' go Twi. I know you can do it, we are all here to help you," Applejack said.
"Hmm, I hope so," Twilight said still looking at Rarity, but turning to Applejack, changing her tone. "I can't thank you enough AJ. I hope I can someday repay you for showing me I needed love in my life."
All: She did?
"Just find a nice colt sugar cube, that'll be enough for me," Applejack said with a honest smile and parted ways.
Rarity: “Boy, is she going to be disappointed.”
Twilight: “Serves her right for being a jerk.”
Rarity: “A big uncouth loser jerk idiot.”
Twilight: “A massive meanie-pants loser dweeb.”
Author: Uh, girls, maybe that’s something you should save for the group therapy sessions.
"Colt? Oh Twilight," Rarity jokingly nudged Twilight with her flank, "Am I not enough for you?" She finished with a big pout, tilting her head ever so.
Author: Even Time Lords deserve a second chance.
Twilight laughed, and nuzzled close to her new love.
"Mmm, you are perfect for me. Why did I wait so long to realize this?" Twilight said as they started to walk again.
"Because darling,
Rarity: “You were in character.”
you had no idea you loved me just yet," Rarity said as they came upon the step to the Library, opening the door to a flustered Dragon named Spike,
Twilight: “Spike”? Never heard of him.
and Twilight remembered another problem, telling Spike.
"Hi Twilight, oh and Rarity too! Hi," said the infatuated little dragon
Rarity: But what did she tell Spike?
as he watched the two mares walk in and shake off the cold. "What brings you by?"
"Oh just making a day of it, visiting with Twilight.
Author: “Spur-of-the-moment sex.”
And of course I had to see my little Spikey Wikey," Rarity said in a baby voice for the end, but Spike didn't care. He was lost in the sauce.
Twilight: He was holding spaghetti-wrestling events in the library when I was gone.
"Oh stop teasing him Rare,
Author: “Either release a real Banjo-Kazooie 3 or don’t.”
I think he's blushing," Twilight said looking at Spike.
"I am not! Dragons don't blush," Spike said defiantly, crossing his arms.
"Oh I think blushing is cute," Rarity said, and both Twilight and Spike began to blush, much to Rarity's enjoyment.
Author: Rustle rustle.
"But weren't you going out today, to help the girls with their cutie mark search? Keep adventuring with them and you may get one too with all the work you put into it."
"As if. And I was going to, but I decided against it with the snow. Sweetie Bell
Author: “Yo quiero Sweetie Bell.”
Twilight: Okay, author, we get it; the name’s misspelled.
keeps suggesting a boys vs girls snowball fight, but then just aims at me," Spike said pouting a little.
"Really?" Rarity said, but thought just one word, IDDEEEEAAAAA!
Rarity: “Snow dresses! Fashionable and disposable!”
"Well okay Spike, you can stay down here, but Rarity and I really need to be in private, would you mind going to the lab down stairs to work?" Twilight said.
"Sure thing Boss, come on Owlisious," Said the dragon descending into the library's laboratory.
Twilight: What kind of work are they going to do? I didn’t give him any instruction.
Rarity: Perhaps the author’s saving that for another fic.
Author: Don’t even joke about that.
Rarity and Twilight wasted no time, going up stairs and continuing the kiss from where they had left off. But pressing matters soon split their lips as they needed to talk about some thing.
Rarity: You know, that thing.
Twilight: Not just any thing.
"Twilight, dear, I think we have a few issues," Rarity said sitting up on Twilight's bed to look her love in the eyes.
"Yeah, 3 that I can see. First,
Twilight: “We need a proof-reader.”
I have no relationship experience," Twilight said counting the point on her hoof.
"As I lack any with a mare. But we will overcome that, I will help you, and you can in turn, help me, so to speak," Rarity said, as their lips met for a quick kiss at the ideas forming.
Author: “We’re gonna need two full-body casts, a month’s supply of candles and a bread bowl.”
"I do believe, though, that our friends will be a bigger issue."
Twilight: “The fire has to look like an accident.”
"Ugh, don't remind me. I don't want to carry my love life in the shadows like I have had to my sex life. I want to be able to sit with you in the park, enjoy a good picnic, see a show.
Author: I recommend the Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000 World Tour Road Show Experience.
Twilight: As if.
Author: At least we’d be making money for having to do this crap.
I want to hold you in public," Twilight said pulling Rarity in close and kissing her again.
Soon though, she stopped and looked down, a little guilty. "But our last problem is the biggest. Spike. He loves you, and now his best Friend
Twilight: And mother figure.
Author. And master.
Twilight: Shut up.
is with the mare of his dreams. I don't want to keep hiding this from him," Twilight said almost in tears. She wanted to protect Spike, and was being split by this thought.
Rarity: Hurry up and rescue Spike before he’s completely halved!
"I know my love, but I thought of a solution. I do believe Sweetie Bell has a little crush on our dearest little Spike. Why don't we just push that, I'm positive I can make those two love each other," Rarity said with a wink.
Author: “All we have to do is lock them in a basement until they kiss.”
"Really?" Twilight said, never even thinking of such a scheme.
Rarity: Despite being wise beyond her years and well-read, she wasn’t very intelligent.
"Yes my darling, I have already been working it so to speak,
Twilight: But I thought she just came up with it.
Author: Clop-logic knows no loyalties.
that's why I ask Spike to help them as much as I do. I was hoping to be with you, and now..." Rarity said, with a dreamy look, rubbing her hoof on Twilight's chest.
Twilight: Okay, everyone, we are heading deep into clop territory again. Are we ready?
Rarity: (Taking deep breaths) We got this.
Author: *cracks knuckles* Let’s do it.
"Oh you are too perfect," Twilight said, taking her lover to the bed again, both hooves in her mane as Twilight kissed up and down Rarity's neck. Rarity moaned and gasped as Twilight hit the sweet spot. Twilight picked up on the reaction, and ever so lightly put her teeth around the spot and bit gently,
Author: Popping the zit.
Twilight and Rarity: Gross!
blowing hot air on to the white unicorn's neck. Rarity almost purred at the nibble, turning her head away to give Twilight the most room possible, making the neck muscles pop.
Rarity: Ow.
Author: You should probably see a doctor about that.
Twilight bit a little harder, puling back ever so,
Twilight: So I was biting and whimpering at the same time?
Author and Rarity: Huh?
Twilight: “Puling”, with one “l”. I collect word-a-day calendars.
Author: Why does that not surprise me?
and Rarity could only respond with a grunt and two hooves digging into Twilight.
"Oh Celestia, Twilight.
Twilight: Nice save.
Ummmg," Rarity said as Twilight continued, "Uhh, *pant pant* please Twilight, mmm, please. yes, oh goddness yes, right there AHHHHH!"
Rarity: “SPIIIIIDERRRR!”
Rarity screamed a new octave as Twilight pulled back on the spot and moved her head in a small circle.
Rarity: I can understand the appeal in biting, but now it sounds like she’s trying to tear her flesh off!
Author: Twilight shouldn’t have taken that trip to Florida.
Twilight giggled into Rarity, causing more grunts and gasps. Twilight let her right hoof go for an adventure,
Twilight: It went kayaking, bungee-jumped, hit the casino, you know.
letting it slide down and start to play with Rarity's cutie mark. Rarity's breath was sharp and quick, her moans deep as she arched into the lavender mare. Twilight twirled her hoof on the Diamonds,
Author: The 50’s pop group?
pressing a little more here, brushing it there. Soon Rarity was pulling on Twilight hard, her hooves finding purchase right behind Twilight's shoulder blades.
Rarity: “When did you buy these new shoes, darling?”
Twilight with another giggle slid her left hoof down, and started to rub the inside of Rarity's thigh, which make a new sound escape Rarity,
Author: And a new tense.
begging.
"Ugg, yes. Down. Down there. Yes!" Rarity yelled through gritted teeth as she neared her edge.
Twilight: Uh-oh, they forgot to close the window again!
"Oh," Twilight said, picking her head up from her lovers neck, "Is This,”
Rarity: “Your card?”
Twilight: Miscapitalized? Yes it is.
She said sliding her hoof across Rarity's dripping mound, "What you want?" Rarity's eyes rolled back as she pressed herself harder into the hoof, grunting like a mad filly.
Author: “Hello? I’m here to return a bo-oh my goodness!”
Twilight moaned with pleasure, truly happy to make the mare she care so much for feel this damn good. Twilight rubbed up and down, Rarity forcing her eyes shut as
Rarity: Twilight began to show her old baby pictures.
Twilight: “This was my first bath!”
she was pushed further and further to her breaking point. Twilight pressed harder now, moving in a small circle, rubbing Rarity's button with the tip of her hoof. Rarity could stand no more,
Author: I thought they were lying down.
and as she brought her head forward, Twilight felt how close she was. Rarity dug her teeth into Twilight's neck,
Author: “How does that feel? Doesn’t feel so good, huh!?”
screaming with wave after wave of her orgasm, the mix of erotic pain and the pleasure of bringing this to her lover knocked Twilight over the edge as she ground into her own hoof,
Rarity: A very important part of the glue-making process.
the very one working Rarity, as she too felt wave after wave of pure pleasure. Both mares were well and truly spent now, and Twilight rolled off of Rarity,
Twilight: But not before she went to Heaven.
slowly, shakily bringing up her drenched hoof.
"Was that moi?" Rarity said eyeing the hoof in question.
Author: I was waiting for the gratuitous French to kick in.
Rarity: Ne pas insulter ma capacité de parler une langue étrangère!
"It was us," Twilight said breathlessly, but still licking the hoof in one, long draw. The sweet taste of Rarity was almost to good to be true.
Author: “Tastes just like s’mores!”
Rarity took the hoof between her own, and gave it a good licking, swirling her tongue over every inch, sucking on the edge that had tripped her own button.
Twilight: That’s a good way to spread bacteria.
Author: Spreading single-celled organisms is the whole point of sex.
"Mmm, You taste divine, my love," Rarity said, her eyes half lidded.
Rarity: You should cover them all the way if you don’t them to spoil.
"You too," Twilight said as she cuddle up to Rarity, closing her eyes, truly content for probably the first time in her whole life.
Twilight: Having fun and learning life lessons with caring friends does nothing for me.
Twilight drifted in between sleep and consciousness for a bit, finally lossing for a minute.
Author: I don’t even get what that means. “Lossing”?
Rarity: Maybe the author meant “flossing”.
Twilight: Or “drossing”, which would be more appropriate for this story.
Author: Whatever it means, we’re on the home stretch. Stay vigilant so we can get out of here.
She was roused awake by a small dragon named Spike.
Twilight: Why do they keep bringing up this “Spike” character? He doesn’t ring a bell at all.
Oh crap! the only two words to run through her waking mind.
"Hey Twilight, Rarity is washing up, she said you two put a lot of work into that new spell.
Author: I’d say it was quite the wet spell.
(Twilight and Rarity raise their hooves, but Author stops them with his hands.)
Author: Allow me. *smacks self in the back of the head with both hands*
I get why you wanted me downstairs, a spell that takes another unicorn to control it sounds dangerous," Spike said.
Rarity: Nevermind the fact that I said I was just coming over for a casual visit.
"Yeah," Twilight said, happy that Rarity had covered this situation before it became something much worse, but her mind still lagged from sleep. "So Rarity is...?"
Author: That white unicorn. You know, the one you just got hoof-happy with?
"Right here, Darling," Rarity said, stepping out of the wash room, a cloud of steam accompanying her.
Rarity: “Stir-fry’s done!”
"Oh pony," Spike said, "She looks like an angel."
"Yeah," Twilight said under her breath watching the unicorn with the alabaster coat.
Twilight: She carved it herself.
Snapping too though,
Author: Way too though for my tastes.
she asked, "How long was I out?"
"Hmm, about twenty minutes dear. You looked like a little angel sleeping, I didn't want to wake you," Rarity said with a smile.
"Thanks, I needed a nap," Twilight said rising from her bed as she headed to the wash room for her turn.
Author: And for some reason, she was really craving a cigarette.
"Not a problem dear. Spike," Rarity called on the dragon, "Would you run and get me some tea please?"
"Of course Rarity,"
Rarity: “As long as you don’t spill it all over yourself again.”
Spike said hoping downstairs.
Twilight: Would contain less awkward sexual tension.
"Thanks Rarity. I think it is time to push Sweetie Spike," Twilight said,
Author: “We gotta get this ship sailing, babe.”
looking down to her friend in the kitchen working like mad to make some tea.
Author: “Look at that sucker.”
Twilight: Okay, seriously, I don’t just sit there and watch him do chores.
Rarity: Of course not, dear.
Author: Yeah. You’d rather go out on the town while he does them.
(Twilight looks away and shakes her head.)
"Agreed, I want to be able to spend the night at some point,"
Twilight: Because she’s never done that before.
Rarity said with a giggle watching Twilight saunter into the washroom, quickly snapping her flank with her tail to a small yip and a lusty look form Twilight.
Rarity: “Form your own Twilight at home! All you need is a small yip and a lusty look!”
Twilight: It’s like the Big Bang, except with sultry body language.
Author: Heh, “Big Bang”.
Twilight: (To Author) Normally I’d give you a hoof upside the head, but frankly I’m tired of sitting here.
Author: Let’s just wrap this up. I think my video games miss me.
Rarity: My, I suppose that was quite the experience.
Author: Well, it didn’t kill us. I guess that’s something.
Twilight: And it had a nice ending.
Author: True. I wish more fics ended with high-school locker room hijinks. (To TV) Can we go now?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Not yet! You need to make a better critical comment than that, silly!
Author: *sigh* Fine… I guess one thing we didn’t touch on was the pacing. The author makes the same mistake a lot of other clop-writers do, in that he/she speeds through the non-clop parts to get to the clop parts.
Twilight: How very astute of you.
Author: Yeah. (To Pinkie Pie) Is it astute enough?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) The astuteiest! Here you go!
(The doors open and Author walks out, mumbling.)
Rarity: Oh, and Twilight?
Twilight: Yes?
Rarity: That hair-scent changing spell? Brilliant.
Twilight: I know. Now he’ll never want to smell another pony’s mane again.
Rarity: Except maybe for Pinkie Pie’s.
(They walk out.)
Rainbow Dash: (From TV, to Pinkie Pie) So, could you explain that “boat captain” thing to me?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Next time, Dashie! Push the button!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV): Whatever.
(She pushes the button and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Hi everyone, Grey Capstan here (with or without the space – your choice). I’ve always been a huge fan of MST3K so when I discovered MPPT3K I was elated (and not disappointed in the least). I knew I had to make my own riff at some point but I was just waiting for the right fic to do it with… and I think I’ve found it. It’s called “Faulty Hoofcuffs” by Sam Cole. (Un-riffed version can be found here.) Fair Warning: It’s a clop-fic. Honestly, it’s not too bad for a clop-fic; I like the concept, the characterizations are mostly on, and the writing shows potential. However, it really could have used a few more passes through the proof-reading machine, and… well, how about I let the MPPT3K crew do the talking for me? Technically this is the first of what will supposedly be several chapters. I’ll be sure to riff the other chapters when/if they come out. But enough of me, have some riffing!
Twilight: So, what’s this “fresh new concept” you wanted to talk to us about?
Author: You see, there’s been this recent trend of meta-fics: fics that are about writing fics.
Rarity: Uh-huh…
Author: And that’s a nice concept and all, but I think it could be expanded upon. *pounds fist into hand* We need to go deeper.
Twilight: And how do you propose to do that?
Author: It’s like this: It’s a story about Celestia reading a meta-fic and contacting the author to tell him he did a good job with it. Then, he writes another fic about being contacted by Celestia, and that fic gets read by Luna…
Rarity: Stop.
Author: Already sold on it?
Rarity: No. It’s just that I had lunch not too long ago and I’d like to keep it in my stomach.
Author: It can’t be that bad an idea, can it? I was even thinking of putting in a fourth-wall joke where I reference the guy who wrote this riff.
Twilight: “Guy who wrote this riff”? What are you talking about?
(The doors swing shut and lock.)
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) As much as I like a good fourth-wall joke, we’ve got something better!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) We’ve got an extra-special treat for you guys today.
Rarity: And, pray tell, what would that be?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s a silly little RariTwi story called “Faulty Hoofcuffs”.
Author: A shipping-comedy or something? Doesn’t sound too bad.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) What Pinks forgot to mention is that it’s a clop-fic with fetish undertones written by someone who’s never heard of compound words.
Twilight: *sighs* This never can be easy, can it?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Nope! Off you go!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Please support the official release. Also all characters used in clop are of age, and should be viewed as such.
Author: I’m pretty sure almost everyone who will read this will be familiar with the show.
Twilight: And all characters used in clop are of age? Even the Cutie Mark Crusaders? What if someone used Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake?
Rarity: Twilight! The last thing we need is for you to give them ideas.
Twilight Sparkle exhaled loudly
Author: And was cited for disturbing the peace, and was arrested. The End.
Twilight: It’s never that easy, author; it’s never that easy.
Author: Doesn’t hurt to try.
Rarity: Also: no title? No author? I much prefer a formal introduction.
as she walked down the street to her library home, tucking her chin down against to cold autumn wind.
"Damn it all," She said with a gruff,
Rarity: A gruff what?
Author: She channels her thoughts through her McGruff the Crime Dog puppet.
"All I wanted was one good romp in the hay, why do they all think I'm a virgin or looking to settle down?" She asked to the empty street. Twilight was regretting having to come home to her toy collection yet again,
Twilight: My blocks despise me.
having failed, yet again, to pick up a partner. She had tried cafes, bars, rodeos,
Rarity: I believe you’re taking “bucking” a little too literally, Twilight.
even a dating service that only set her up with one colt, and that was the worst one yet.
Author: He just kept going on and on about time travel and screwdrivers and pears.
Twilight opened her door with her magic, head still down. Had she been looking, she would have seen poor Spike right there.
Twilight: Bumming for change.
"Hiya Twilgughgh!" Spike said as Twilight knocked him over into the door way.
Rarity: Oh my goodness, he’s drowning!
"Oh, Spike! I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Are you okay?" Twilight asked her assistant and friend.
Author: And maid.
Rarity: And cook.
Twilight: (Flatly) Very funny.
"Uh, yeah, just swallowed the gum I was chewing..." Spike said looking down, a little miffed.
"Sorry. I'll be more careful next time Spike. By the way, where are you off too?" Twilight asked as she dropped off her scarf and boots by the door.
Twilight: “You behave yourselves at school, now!”
"I was going over to Rarity's for a Cutie Mark Crusader sleep over. I promised to help out," Spike said rising his chest with pride.
Twilight: “Cutie Mark Crusaders Heart Surgeons! Yay!”
"Anything for Rarity huh?" Twilight teased as she walked into her bedroom nook and started brushing her hair. Hurry up and go Spike, Twilight thought, I want to read some after I take care of myself.
Rarity: (To Twilight) Sheesh, Spike is such a bother, delaying your night of coitus and all. How ever you do put up with him?
Twilight: I manage.
"Yeah... Rarity..." Spike said with a grin on his face and his eyes glazed over.
"What ever lover boy," Twilight said with a giggle,
Author: Oh, that wacky dragon and his want of companionship.
"Scoot, the doors open and its cold out."
"Oh, yeah, Bye Twilight, see you tomorrow,"
Twilight: What’s a “Bye Twilight”?
Author: That’s when you don’t have a game this week.
Spike said hopping out the door and banging it closed.
Author: At least he could have engaged in some foreplay.
(Twilight and Rarity facehoof, shaking their heads)
Author: What?
The sound of silence settled into the library as Twilight exhaled, glad for the turn of events letting her get to work that much faster. She opened up a hidden compartment of the floor
Author: Jinkies!
and took out her favorite pink and lavender knee socks, hoof-cuffs, and purple stallion stand in.
Rarity: She had to shoo away the family of rats that was gnawing on them.
Twilight hummed to her self as she took great care in rolling the socks up her slender legs, taking great care to massage her legs and warm them up before going farther.
Twilight: It was going to be quite an evening of ice-fishing.
She had all night, why not enjoy it?
Twilight: I thought that was the point.
Author: Shows what you know.
She settled onto her bed as she floated the hoof-cuffs over to her self, stroking the cool metal against her stomach and chest, letting them rise slowly up her forelegs, til they found the point right below her hoofs, and clicked the right one shut.
Author: “You have the right to remain adorkable!”
Twilight: *death glare* I’m going to pretend that you didn’t just say that.
Twilight then looped the chain around the bedpost and secured her left fore leg to the post, already getting wet thinking of the pleasure to come.
Rarity: It was actually a leaky roof but I wasn’t going to spoil her mood.
She floated the stallion replica over to her, and with a giggle licked around the head of the plastic lover. She took great care in looping her tongue around and around the purple unit,
Rarity: How long is that tongue, exactly?
flicking her tongue gently over the fake opening and then licking all the way down the shaft, wetting it with her saliva
Twilight: As opposed to what?
Author: Trust me; if the author just said “wetting it” it could’ve left a lot of squick-room in our imaginations.
as she picked up speed, ready to feel the toy inside of her if she could not have the real thing. She moaned as she placed the unit against her already swollen lips,
Author: Damn bees.
rubbing it up and down, in these cute, tiny circles over her tender love button. She slid the unit in, gasping as she expanded to meet the new object.
Author: So I guess that makes this a “self-insert” fic.
(Twilight and Rarity smack him in the back of the head)
Author: I regret nothing.
She used the toy a lot, but was gifted to have a constantly tight pussy, and oh so sensitive.
Author: I never thought I’d have to describe someone as having a “Mary Sue vagina”. *ducks to avoid next series of head-smacks*
She slowly pushed the plastic in, inch by glorious inch, til it rested hilt deep inside of her. Twilight could feel her muscles squeezing and milking the fake cock, wanting to make it come, but
Author: It was already there.
alas she would have to settle for a fake again. She started to pull back on the toy with her telekinesis when her worst fear ever happened,
Rarity: She was disowned by Princess Celestia?
Author: She got sent back to Magic Kindergarten?
Twilight: She realized she was surrounded by tons of spelling and grammatical errors?
there was a knock on the door.
All: AAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
Rarity: Anything but that!
Twilight tried in vane to open the cuffs, but
Twilight: Discovered the vane was only good for detecting wind direction.
found the key to not work in the shackles any more.
"Stupid cheap cuffs!" She yelled at the metal bindings.
Author: That’s the last time she’ll ever shop at Spencer’s.
"Come back later... Unless your a lock smith!" Twilight yelled at the door. There was a moment as the pony responsible
Twilight: Must not have been Rainbow Dash, then.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Hey! I heard that!
thought for a second, then opened the door cautiously and poked her head in, revealing it to be little Fluttershy.
Author: I’m pretty sure Fluttershy is about the same size as Twilight.
Twilight: No, they mean “little” as in “little relevance to the plot”.
"Twilight, are you okay? I thought you said locksmith?" Fluttershy asked, unable to see Twilight from her spot on the floor.
"Fluttershy, quick, please go get Pinkie, she has hoof cuff keys, right?" Twilight asked.
Author: I’m not gonna ask how she knows that.
Rarity: I smell a prequel.
"Yeeeesssss.
Twilight: Creepy.
Author: I imagine her saying that in the voice of the “Yes Guy” from The Simpsons.
Why?" Fluttershy asked as she made her way to the stairs. Twilight's heart was in overdrive as she thought for a way to get Fluttershy to stop.
"I... um... crap.
Rarity: Frankly, dear, we all do.
I'll explain later, please, just go find some keys?" Twilight asked of her friend. She really didn't want to tell Fluttershy, but after this incident, she knew she had to. And of course Pinkie. Which would make it a group thing.
Author: I believe the saying goes: “Keep your friends close and your sex toys closer.”
Twilight: And a working set of keys.
So while Fluttershy left, Twilight quickly pulled out the toy, her tension from almost being caught and just the feeling it made sliding out pushed Twilight over the edge as she climaxed,
Author: Wait, already? That can only mean…
Twilight: *gulps* …There’s going to be more clop to come.
Rarity: No pun intended, I hope.
pulling against the irons and bucking her hips to the sensation. Maybe I can try that later, Twilight thought
Twilight: Try what? I think I kind of already “tried” it.
after a second of gleeful sensation, kind of turned on by nearly being caught. But soon enough, the whole gang, to include Rarity, the Cutie mark crusaders, and Spike where there. Pinkie had made a big show of Twilight needing help apparently.
Author: “Hey everypony, Twilight’s caught herself in a sexually compromising position! Bring the kids!”
Thank Celestia I hid the dildo,
Rarity: “Because Celestia controls my every movement.”
Author: It wouldn’t be the first fic to do that.
Twilight thought to her self as they came up and worked to get her free.
Twilight: Hold on, I just thought of something.
Author and Rarity: What is it?
Twilight: If the keys made specifically for the cuffs didn’t work, then why would Pinkie Pie’s keys work?
(All are silent, deep in thought.)
Author: It’s magic. Because Pinkie Pie. Clop-logic. Take your pick.
Rarity: Perhaps Pinkie has a skeleton key.
Twilight: No wonder she can pop up anywhere she likes.
"Why did ya go and cuff yer self to a bed for Miss Twilight?" Apple bloom asked as Twilight lowered her aching forelegs.
Rarity: “An’ what’s with that there wet spot on yer sheets?”
"Hahaha, well, I just got these and I was playing around with them, and wouldn't you know it, the key didn't work on them," Twilight said, honest but clean, hoping none of her friends looked too deeply into the matter.
Author: Seems legit.
"But why would you get hoofcuffs in the first place?" Sweetie Bell
Author: Home of the Sweetie Chalupa.
asked, her head tilled to one side.
Twilight: Accidents like that can happen if you aren’t being careful while gardening.
"Um... I thought they were neat?" Twilight said, which apparently flew over really well with the kids, they thought the cuffs were cool too, and were soon trying to be cutie mark escape artist.
Author: They became a hive mind at that point.
Twilight: They’re just going to love my straightjacket, my ball-gag, my waterboard…
Then cutie mark lock smiths as they found Scootaloo could not get out to the cuffs. Everypony shared a laugh and filled out,
Twilight: Tax forms.
Rarity: Pesky things.
Rarity telling Spike to take the girls home, she would catch up in a second.
Rarity: So, was Scootaloo still in the cuffs?
Author: Spike likes where this is going.
"Twilight, Darling. You explained the cuffs, but not
Twilight: “Why you agreed to be in this crappy story.”
those lovely knee socks," Rarity said with a smile looking at Twilight's legs.
"Oh, these old things?" Twilight said blushing a starting to stumble over her words,
Rarity: When’s the last time you had that library cleaned?
Author: She bangs her shins on an adverb.
"Well, y-y-you see, haha, um... Yeah..." Twilight failed to communicate and settled on a cheesy smile to do the work.
Author: (To Twilight) Do you do any of your own work?
(Twilight punches Author in the face)
Rarity: (To Author) That was low, dear.
Why am I so nervous, it's not that I'm being caught, I could have said I was cold.
Twilight: I also could have just stayed silent when Fluttershy was at the door, so she would think I wasn’t home and leave. And then I could have used that extra time to use my magic to pick the lock or break the chain or hover something over to break the chain, or try the key some more or slip out of the cuffs. And if that all failed, I could have just waited for Spike to come home and free me since he was going to find out either way! And then Rarity would… *falls back into seat, gasping for air*
Author: *pats Twilight’s back* Breathe.
Rarity: *joins in on back-patting* Now now, Twilight, relax. We’ll make it through this. We always do.
Why does it matter that Rarity is looking at my legs? Does she really like them? Twilight thought to herself, except for accidentally saying that last question out loud.
Author: “Only I didn’t say ‘fudge’.”
Rarity: “Twilight, why are you speaking in third person?”
"Hmm, yes I do. They are absolutely," Rarity said
Twilight: I agree, very absolutely. That’s why I bought them.
leaning in to whisper into Twilight's ear. "Naughty."
RatherHomely: (Shudders at this word.)
The word set Twilight's heart back into overdrive, going a million beats a minute. Just feeling Rarity's warm breath on her ear, her sweet, angelic voice so close to her sent Twilight for a loop.
Author: She picked up 5 rings, sped through a tunnel and landed on some Speed Shoes.
And the word, the way she let the N drag, the -ty hang from her lip,
Author: “Uh, Rarity, I think you have a little something on your lip.”
Rarity: “Oh, sorry. I just came from a –ty party.” *giggles*
gifting it to Twilight's eardrum, a small present from the white unicorn. Twilight shuddered at the exchange,
Twilight: “Ugh. I hope she kept the receipt.”
leaning her head ever so slightly to the unicorn and brushing her check to Rarity's, to which Rarity didn't really seem to mind. Was it just Twilight's imagination, or was Rarity blushing too? Twilight's brain lagged,
Author: Because she was using Comcast.
it seemed to be full of cotton candy as she leaned into Rarity, wanting more words to float to her, and ended up losing her balance, A quick second of panic and Twilight was standing there, laughing at her clumsiness.
Oh my Twilight thought to her self
Twilight: Sorry, but this is going to really bug me. It’s “herself”. One word.
Rarity: At this point, that’s like going to Tartarus and complaining about the bad lighting.
Author: We’re still in Hell either way.
as she looked into Rarity's eyes. Those big, beautiful sapphire eyes that filled Twilight's soul with glee and.. and some strange alien emotion.
Author: I shall call it: “Zxxrgrblnnxyqa”.
It was like the love she felt for all of her friends, but magnified a million times. It was intoxicating. Have I always felt this way? Twilight thought. I always related to Rarity well, and enjoyed my time with her as I do all of my friends. But what is this longing I have, I don't want sex right now, I just got off?
Twilight: I think so; I can’t remember now.
Why am I thinking about Rarity like this? I just want to see her smile,
Author: Get a job at McDonald’s.
hear her voice, see her early in the morning and late at night. I just want to hold her, talking for hours about absolutely nothing.
I have never felt like this before.
Author: “Sudden feelings of love and wanting for a close friend, brought on by an awkward social encounter? Nurse, have this patient admitted immediately; she’s got a bad case of shipititus.”
"Twilight dear? Are you alright?" Rarity asked the unicorn, fearing her coy teasing had sent Twilight over the edge.
Author: She shouldn’t have left her window open.
Way to go Rarity. You wanted to tell Twilight for months now that you loved her, that you could not imagine life with out her, and now she is locked up solid.
Rarity: “Well, she was until we freed her.”
I should have known she didn't feel that way towards me. Stupid stupid Rarity. Rarity turned quickly and exited the library,
Author: The End.
Rarity: *looks over at Author* Oh, so you’d like for it to end with my heart broken and my soul crushed?
Author: If it means not having to sit through this anymore, then yes.
Rarity: …I concur.
muttering something about having to see to Spike and the girls, make sure her house was still standing.
Way to go Twilight, The lavender mare thought, you just scared her off by being a total spaz. I should really look up what I was felling,
Twilight: I was “felling” through an open window to the ground, remember?
see if there is a psychological solution for my reaction. Rarity slumped against the library door outside,
Author: As her paragraph slumped against the end of Twilight’s.
the wind cutting into her as she stifled a tear, thinking to her self.
Rarity: “I thought the wind was my friend!”
Twilight: “Sorry, but your number came up.”
Brilliant Rarity. Way to scare her off. I bet she never wants to see me again. I am never going to leave my shop again She thought in her typical dramatic fashion.
Rarity: How I act is hardly dramatic!
Twilight and Author: …
Rarity: I’ll take that silence as an agreeance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rarity: Ants! Eeek! *jumps off of seat*
Twilight: Calm down Brutus; it’s a scene transition.
Author: “Now with 20% more dashes than necessary!”
The night passed without incident,
Author: Thanks for letting us know.
and the next day, Twilight braved the fresh snow fall to visit everyone at Sugarcube Corner. Upon arriving though, she found a certain fashionista was oddly absent.
Twilight: Sapphire Shores?
Rarity: (Sitting back down) She’s always ducking out of her appointments.
"Well if it ain't ol' lock em' up Twilight," Applejack teased as Twilight took a seat next to them, happy to be in the warm room now.
Author: “Lock Em’ Up Twilight, from Hasbro!”
"Haha, I guess I deserve that for locking myself up with out checking that the cuffs worked first. Where is Rarity?" Twilight asked the gang.
"She said she couldn't make it today, had to much work to catch up on, what with this early winter, Dashie," Pinkie said, finishing with a glare at Rainbow Dash.
Author: Well, it was nice knowing her.
Twilight: *sighs* How many times are we going to make that joke?
Author: Until people stop making Cupcakes sequels.
"What? Winter solstice is just a week away. It was time for snow," Rainbow said lifting her head from her hot cocoa. She sported a nice whipped cream 'stash,
Rarity: I hope she intends on sharing her stash with everypony else.
to a round of giggles from the ponies there. "What? Whats so funny?"
"Nuthin' Rainbow Stash," Applejack said with a laugh.
"Oh..." Rainbow said, happily licking the stash clean.
Author: “Tonight, the role of Rainbow Dash will be played by Tony Montana.”
"So Twilight, Um, I was wondering, why it was you were in handcuffs yesterday,
Twilight: “’Hand’cuffs? What are those?”
Rarity: You’d think the author would be able to remember to use “hoofcuffs”; it’s in the title of the story, after all.
if you don't mind my asking that is?" Fluttershy said as she looked up from her cup, but not through her bangs.
Rarity: So, not looking at all, then.
"Oh, yeah, I promised I would tell you. I just wanted to keep it down in front of the kids. I was, well... you know," Twilight said drawing small circles on the table with her hoof looking down.
Author: “Using my Spirograph.”
Everypony at the table leaned in, sensing that this secret was not one Twilight would part with easily.
"Yes?" Pinkie asked, tilting her head almost completely sideways.
Twilight: I’d say it was around 82.4 degrees of rotation, roughly speaking.
"I was trying to get off," Twilight said a little deflated. But to the others, this was not a big deal. They just laughed at it, in all truth.
Author: (Imitating Pinkie Pie) “Silly Twilight, how were you going to get off the bed if you hoofcuffed yourself to it?”
"Well shoot Twi,
Twilight: That seems like an awful harsh punishment.
ya just need a coltfriend, then ya won't have ta lock yer self up like that," Applejack said with a laugh sitting back.
Author: So, she wouldn’t engage in bondage fantasies if she had a lover? The fetish would just disappear?
"I've, never done that though..." Twilight said still looking down.
"I understand, your first time is special, you want it to be perfect. And we can help get you ready egghead, better than any book at least," Rainbow said with a smug look.
Twilight: “Alright, which one of us is gonna put on the colt costume?”
Rarity: (Imitating Fluttershy) “I’ll do it.”
Twilight: “Nah, you got to do it last time. Give somepony else a chance!”
"Oh no, I've bucked before. I've never had a relationship," Twilight said looking up now. Spoons fell loudly,
Twilight: “Hey, could you keep it down back there!?”
Author: (Imitating Mr. Cake) “Sorry!”
and cocoa was spit out by the shear shock of what had just been said.
"What? How have you made love with out being in a relationship?" Fluttershy asked. Twilight's four friends wore matching looks of shock and realization now, a sight Rarity would have loved, or so Twilight thought.
Author: She gets turned on by the sound of rustled jimmies.
Rarity: I don’t even know what “jimmies” are, but rustling is such a barbaric noise.
"I never made love, I just fooled around back in Canterlot. I would pick up a partner when ever I was horny, buck til I felt better, then carry on with my studies.
Author: And I thought I did some crazy things during mid-terms.
But ever since I moved to Ponyville, I have not been able to get one hook up. Not a one. What is it girls? Am I not pretty here?" Twilight asked, feeling self conscious all of the sudden.
"Nnnnooooo, you're pretty Twilight. It's just, well..." Pinkie started.
Rarity: “Your breath stinks. Constantly. Like garlic and brimstone. You could send your own letters with it.”
"Ponyville colts ain't like that. All colts out here are raised to be gentlecolts, only engaging in relations once in a committed relationship," Applejack finished.
Author: And only through a hole in the sheets.
"Wait, everypony? Even the mares?" Twilight asked a little taken aback.
"Well duh. The mares need the colts to fool around," Pinkie said rolling her eyes. "Silly Twilight. How else could two ponies have an intimate relationship?"
Author: Well, get yourself some felt and a needle…
Rarity: Don’t you dare bring that monstrosity up.
"You're serious?" Twilight asked looking at her friends.
"Yep, as a heart attack. That must be why the Princess sent ya down here, to learn bout love and stuff, first from friends, then romantic. This will make quite a letter, huh?" Applejack said nudging Twilight,
Twilight: “Dear Princess Celestia: Today I learned that you are a sick pervert who cons me into having sexual relations for your peruvial enjoyment.”
Author: You just figured that one out?
who mumbled agreeably, shocked at the lack of understanding. They don't even recognize the idea that two mares could be in love. Does that mean Rarity could never love me then? What if I am in love with her, but she is scared about that kind of thing? What if that's why she didn't come out today? Twilight thought, and again letting slip the last thought as a stated question.
Twilight: Oh come on, not again!
Rarity: You really need to learn the difference between thinking and speaking.
"What do you mean Twilight? Are you talking about Rarity? You think she didn't come out because your promiscuity scared her?" Pinkie asked looking at Twilight with saddened eyes.
Author: “What’s that, Twilight? Timmy’s trapped in the well?”
"I..." Twilight started.
"It's okay sugar cube. We love ya for who ya are," Applejack said with a friendly smile.
Twilight: “Even if ya are an unholy sex-cravin’ tramp.”
"Thanks," Twilight said putting on a great false smile, hiding the questions in her heart. Would you all still love me if you knew I was different?
Author: And, wouldn’t ya know it, she said it out loud again.
Twilight: “Augh! How does this keep HAPPENING!?”
"I have to go talk with Rarity, thank you girls so much," Twilight said hugging everypony then getting up and heading out to the Carousel Boutique.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rarity: I think it’s time for a well-deserved break; don’t you two agree?
Twilight: Yes, please.
Author: We better get our heads together before the lovey-dovey stuff occurs.
Twilight: I think there’s going to be more than just “lovey-dovey stuff” going on.
Author: I know; wishful thinking. Let’s go.
Author: So, what do two think about the story so far?
Rarity: Well, it’s certainly not the worst thing we’ve ever had to read.
Author: Sad to think that that counts as a compliment nowadays.
Twilight: I’m just hung up on the fact that the whole premise of the story revolves around me shouting at somepony who could’ve been a total stranger, “Hey, I’m hoofcuffed to the bed, the door’s unlocked.”
Author: And that it doesn’t occur to everypony right away that a pony hoofcuffed to the bed wearing provocative clothing doesn’t have sexual intentions. Speaking of which, there’s a big obsession in the fandom about ponies wearing socks. Do you guys wear them that often?
Twilight: I don’t even own a pair.
Rarity: I have a few, but I find it more suitable to stay warm with a nice pair of silk pajamas.
Author: (To TV) How about you two?
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) No way!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) I don’t have any, but after reading this story I wanna have some just like the ones Twilight wears!
Author: Really? Why is that?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Because they’re naughty, and I’ve always wanted to be a boat captain!
All: …
Twilight: I’m not even going to pretend to get that.
(Buzzer sounds)
All: Story sign!
Twilight walked briskly and soon found herself at the door to fashion mare's shop home.
Rarity: Which was convenient, because that’s where she wanted to go.
She raised a hoof tentatively to knock, but stopped when she worried about what to say. She was about to put her hoof down when the door flew open inwards and Sweetie Bell ran out right under Twilight's raised hoof.
"Oh, Sis, Twilight's here! Go ahead in," Sweetie Bell said to Twilight.
Haha,
Author: The fun has been doubled! *is viciously attacked by Twilight and Rarity*
great, now I can't back down. The two mares thought simultaneously. Twilight said her thanks to Sweetie Bell
Author: Open ‘til midnight or later.
before entering the Shop and knocking the powder off her hooves by the door on a mat laid out just for that.
Author: Powder, huh? Is that what she meant by being “different”?
Twilight: I’m pretty sure that’s the snow.
Author: Or maybe she dug into Rainbow’s stash.
She trotted into the studio and found Rarity hard at work studying a particular garment.
"Twilight, dear, what brings you about?" Rarity said as she turned to Twilight, trying to hide the picture of the Purple mare she had just been looking at.
Author: I don’t blame her; Cheerilee is pretty cute.
"Rarity, about yesterday... um, I, gee," Twilight said, starting to feel hot as her blush rose and her ears laid back against her head.
"Oh, Twilight, I'm so sorry. I never meant to make you uncomfortable, I was just kidding around," Rarity said,
Rarity: “I think your socks are naughty strictly in a Platonic way.”
her eyes pleading to the mare that if nothing else, let her not hate me. For Twilight though, upon hearing those words, it felt like her heart broke into a million pieces.
Author: I believe I read about this one in Extremely Worn Out Love Metaphors, 2nd Edition.
Twilight: You have that book too?
She had just imagined Rarity blushing too, just imagined everything. And to think, said the magical student to her self, I had just figure out I loved her, I don't know when, but I do. And now...
"Oh, Rarity, I was afraid I had made you uncomfortable," Twilight said, breaking free of her infatuation. Fearing that her heart was broken forever, her tongue was much more cooperative.
Author: Her tongue was forced to listen to the entire John Tesh discography.
"How ever would you have made me unsettled darling?" Rarity asked her friend, feeling as if a huge weight had been lifted, but noticing a rather subtle change in Twilight's body language. If it had been any pony else they would have missed it, but not Rarity and her eye for detail.
Twilight: Derpy would’ve been able to see the change in body language and the moth on the ceiling.
"I um..." Twilight started, unsure how to continue.
Author: Hold A and press START.
Rarity was a little piqued though, but Twilight could not notice over her fight to just control her own mouth again, she had to tell her friend all these compromising details. "I was being a little... physical yesterday, brushing your check
Rarity: “The bank won’t take it if it’s all messy.”
and leaning in to you," Twilight said to the floor, hoping Rarity could hear. "I understand now that here in Ponyville it's unheard of for a mare to like another mare, and I'm sorry if I made you think I was doing anything else. I was just...well, it's nothing now Rarity."
"Darling, I was..." This time Rarity took a turn at locking up,
Twilight: “Careful, those keys are kinda persnickety.”
" I um, well, that is, I kind of..." Inside there was a war, Rarity's heart vs her mind.
Author: Whoever wins, the readers lose.
Her mind was saying that what Rarity wanted to believe was not true, but her heart said it was. The heart called out, straining to be heard, to be felt, understood. She had to say it! She had to, her heart told her so, and if her love was true, then it would be rewarded. If not...
Author: She could still spin the wheel at the Showcase Showdown.
"It's okay Rarity, I understand," Twilight said walking over to hug Rarity, glad to have cleared the air between them. If nothing else, she thought, I can keep her in my life as my friend. The one that got away...
Rarity: “Hello, Constant Reminder That I’m A Failure At Love.”
Twilight: “Hey, what’s up?
"Twilight I love you!" Rarity said with her eyes forced shut, scrunching all of her muscles up to be able to force out her confession. She let out a large breath as she let those four words escape her. She didn't know if it was right to say it, but she couldn't hold it in any longer.
"I'm sorry, what?!" Twilight said a little too loud in hindsight,
Author: “I’M SORRY, WHAT?!”
Twilight: “WE COMMANDETH THAT THOU EXPLAIN THYSELF!”
Because she felt like scum when Rarity flinched at the question. "I'm sorry Rarity, I have been struggling with my feelings for a bit now, to find that our friends don't really like the idea of two mares loving each other..."
"I'm sorry Twilight, but I had to tell you. I have loved you for months now.
Rarity: “Exactly two months from last Tuesday.”
Twilight: “What was so special about that day?”
Rarity: “When I saw you open the mailbox with such grace, I knew it was meant to be.”
The way you always need to read about a situation before you try it. The way you brush your mane so it splits right at your highlights.
Author: “The way you impale birds with your horn.”
Twilight: That was a one-time thing! And I still owe Fluttershy a huge favor.
Even the way you get angry and burst into flames. I love you Twilight, each and every detail. Please don't hate me," Rarity said looking up into those beautiful lavender pools that shown the World perfectly. Rarity was almost in tears as she watched Twilight sit,
Twilight: On Opalescence.
inches away, stunned, trying to wrap her head around the concept that she had just heard.
Twilight just leaned in, with out a word, and put her mouth to Rarity's. Reaching up with her right hoof, Twilight placed it behind Rarity's head, pulling her deeper into the kiss. Rarity was shocked as first,
Rarity: Dumbfounded as second, gobsmacked as third…
but soon she subsided to the pleasure. Please dear Celestia, if I'm dreaming, let me finish! Rarity thought as she felt Twilight tongue press against her lips. Rarity parted her soft lips, happy to let Twilight explore inside of her waiting mouth.
Twilight: “Wow, Rarity, you keep gems in here, too?”
She moved her own tongue to touch Twilight's, happy to see she eagerly wrapped her tongue around Rarity's and played with it,
Rarity: I swear, that thing must be a foot long.
Author: That’s what she *is smacked by Twilight*
eliciting a small moan of pleasure from the white unicorn.
Author: Why is it that, in all of these clop-fics, they’re always “eliciting” moans? Why can’t they “draw out” or “extract” them?
Twilight: Moan Extract, a must in every kitchen.
Twilight leaned into the kiss more, taking her left foreleg and wrapping it around Rarity's waist, pulling the mare close as Rarity in turn threw her legs, both fore and aft, around Twilight.
Author: She was going in for the pin.
Twilight gently at first, then with more passion, lowered Rarity to the floor, laying on top of her as she continued to pull her friend into a deeper and deeper kiss. Rarity was in heaven,
Twilight: Whoops.
Rarity: If only you had given me a chance to catch my breath!
feeling the mare she loved kiss her as such was the best feeling ever. Twilight rubbed her hoof down the white coat, twirling her hoof around the closest of three little diamonds that made Rarity's cutie mark. Rarity moaned in pleasure as she felt the pressure on her flank,
Author: Okay, this is another thing I’ve seen in clop-fics before. Are your cutie marks really more sensitive than the rest of your skin?
Rarity: Well, if they were, then it would be quite an awkward experience every time we sat down or wore saddlebags on our backs, don’t you think?
Twilight: At least it’d make shopping more fun.
her hooves pulling hard at Twilight's back as she did so, begging her to keep going.
"What in the hay are you two doing!?!" Sweetie Bell asked as she came back in with her two friends. They all sat open mouthed looking at the two mares on the floor. Rarity broke the kiss now, looking to her sister.
Rarity: And then I woke up.
Author: “Dammit Trollestia!”
"Sweetie, how long have you all been there?" Rarity asked with a slight chuckle to her voice.
"Not long enough," Scootaloo said, her wings standing straight out.
All: …
Rarity: Well…
Author: I, uh…
Twilight: Huh…
Author: I’d make a “chicken salad surgery” joke but I don’t think anyone would get it.
Rarity: Let’s just move on.
"You don't have to stop just because of us," She ventured. She grumbled when Twilight sat bolt upright, and Rarity rose a second later, adjusting her mane.
"Girls, please knock in the future," Rarity said as she and Twilight competed for the best blush ever award.
Author: Unfortunately, their formula lost to Maybelline.
"But I live here," Sweetie Bell protested.
Rarity: No she doesn’t.
"Um..." Rarity started.
"Don't worry girls, why don't we continue this discussion at the library, Rarity," Twilight said full of poise.
"But y'all was kissin' not talkin'?" Apple Bloom said trying to wrap her head around what she saw.
Rarity: “How do we put this in a way Applebloom can understand?”
Twilight: “Well, we, uh, mistook each other’s tonsils for apples and started bobbing for them.”
"It was a very nice talk," Twilight said.
"So very nice," Rarity smiled at Twilight.
"Get a room," Sweetie said as she and Apple Bloom pushed Scootaloo out the door to Sweetie's bedroom.
(A short pause, followed by laughter)
Twilight: Okay, I gotta admit, that was pretty funny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twilight and Rarity walked along the empty street to their destination, flank to flank, laughing all the while.
Author: Bells on bobtails were ringing, making spirits bright.
Twilight was happy now, and she didn't know why, just being with Rarity was enough. Soon they rounded the corner, and bumped into another friend, but right now, that term was used loosely.
"Well there ya two are!" Applejack said as she saw the two mares.
Twilight: “Oh boy, here comes Applejack.”
Rarity: “Ugh. Do we have to put up with this jerk again?”
"Why are y'all walking like that an' laughin?"
Author: “Are yew two havin’ fun? Not on mah watch!”
"Oh, hello Applejack," Twilight said, her mind reeling for an excuse. Thank Celestia for Rarity.
Rarity: I agree.
"What a pleasure Applejack. Twilight came by and offered to show me something at the library,
Author: …Too easy.
but I was a tinny bit cold, so I'm trying to warm up against her," Rarity said with a laugh.
"Shoot, don't blame y'all. It's mighty frigid out here. What was Rainbow Dash thinkin?" Applejack said, her discontent for the cold distracting her.
Rarity: Why, the nerve of that pony and her insistence on maintaining the seasons.
"She is too busy with Soarin these days dear, you know that," Rarity said with a shiver, as she dug into Twilight's mane. She took the chance to inhale deeply of Twilight's scent, the hint of lavender and lilacs laying beautifully in the mare's mind.
Author: And here’s another thing. Do your manes really smell like things that are the same color as your hair? I mean, I can understand Pinkie Pie’s smelling like cotton candy since she works around sweets, but does yours smell like lilacs, Twilight?
Twilight: Would you like to find out?
Author: Um… really?
Twilight: Sure. Give it a shot.
Author: Well, alright. *leans in, takes a cautious sniff, then reels back* Blech! *coughs* Smells like dust-mites and book paste!
Twilight: Well, there you go.
Author: (To Rarity) Can I smell yours?
Rarity: No.
"Yeah, she has been mighty happy with her coltfriend. Speakin' of which," Applejack started to Twilight's horror,
Twilight: To pull out a knife!
Author and Rarity: NOOO!
she had neglected to tell Rarity about the cover up, "We want to help Twilight here learn to date, we found out she ain't never had a coltfriend in her life."
"Really?" Rarity said with a chuckle.
"Yep, but she is ready to give up sleepin' round, just as the Princess would have it, right Twilight?" Applejack said.
Author: “Ya ready ta give up yer life of prostitutin’, Twilight Whorekle?”
Rarity pulled away to get a better view of Twilight, looking into the lavender mare's eyes for the answer, knowing it would make her the happiest mare ever, or destroy her fragile heart forever.
Author: That one was in the book, too. Page 68.
With a happy smile, one so slight only Rarity was privileged to see,
Twilight: Because she was using binoculars.
she said just above a whisper "I hope so, I want something more." Rarity's heart soared at the answer. If Applejack had not been there, she was sure she would have kissed Twilight, longingly, deeply.
Rarity: What a buzzkill.
Author: Something tells me the person who wrote this isn’t a huge Applejack fan.
"Well ain't that the best news ever. Way ta' go Twi. I know you can do it, we are all here to help you," Applejack said.
"Hmm, I hope so," Twilight said still looking at Rarity, but turning to Applejack, changing her tone. "I can't thank you enough AJ. I hope I can someday repay you for showing me I needed love in my life."
All: She did?
"Just find a nice colt sugar cube, that'll be enough for me," Applejack said with a honest smile and parted ways.
Rarity: “Boy, is she going to be disappointed.”
Twilight: “Serves her right for being a jerk.”
Rarity: “A big uncouth loser jerk idiot.”
Twilight: “A massive meanie-pants loser dweeb.”
Author: Uh, girls, maybe that’s something you should save for the group therapy sessions.
"Colt? Oh Twilight," Rarity jokingly nudged Twilight with her flank, "Am I not enough for you?" She finished with a big pout, tilting her head ever so.
Author: Even Time Lords deserve a second chance.
Twilight laughed, and nuzzled close to her new love.
"Mmm, you are perfect for me. Why did I wait so long to realize this?" Twilight said as they started to walk again.
"Because darling,
Rarity: “You were in character.”
you had no idea you loved me just yet," Rarity said as they came upon the step to the Library, opening the door to a flustered Dragon named Spike,
Twilight: “Spike”? Never heard of him.
and Twilight remembered another problem, telling Spike.
"Hi Twilight, oh and Rarity too! Hi," said the infatuated little dragon
Rarity: But what did she tell Spike?
as he watched the two mares walk in and shake off the cold. "What brings you by?"
"Oh just making a day of it, visiting with Twilight.
Author: “Spur-of-the-moment sex.”
And of course I had to see my little Spikey Wikey," Rarity said in a baby voice for the end, but Spike didn't care. He was lost in the sauce.
Twilight: He was holding spaghetti-wrestling events in the library when I was gone.
"Oh stop teasing him Rare,
Author: “Either release a real Banjo-Kazooie 3 or don’t.”
I think he's blushing," Twilight said looking at Spike.
"I am not! Dragons don't blush," Spike said defiantly, crossing his arms.
"Oh I think blushing is cute," Rarity said, and both Twilight and Spike began to blush, much to Rarity's enjoyment.
Author: Rustle rustle.
"But weren't you going out today, to help the girls with their cutie mark search? Keep adventuring with them and you may get one too with all the work you put into it."
"As if. And I was going to, but I decided against it with the snow. Sweetie Bell
Author: “Yo quiero Sweetie Bell.”
Twilight: Okay, author, we get it; the name’s misspelled.
keeps suggesting a boys vs girls snowball fight, but then just aims at me," Spike said pouting a little.
"Really?" Rarity said, but thought just one word, IDDEEEEAAAAA!
Rarity: “Snow dresses! Fashionable and disposable!”
"Well okay Spike, you can stay down here, but Rarity and I really need to be in private, would you mind going to the lab down stairs to work?" Twilight said.
"Sure thing Boss, come on Owlisious," Said the dragon descending into the library's laboratory.
Twilight: What kind of work are they going to do? I didn’t give him any instruction.
Rarity: Perhaps the author’s saving that for another fic.
Author: Don’t even joke about that.
Rarity and Twilight wasted no time, going up stairs and continuing the kiss from where they had left off. But pressing matters soon split their lips as they needed to talk about some thing.
Rarity: You know, that thing.
Twilight: Not just any thing.
"Twilight, dear, I think we have a few issues," Rarity said sitting up on Twilight's bed to look her love in the eyes.
"Yeah, 3 that I can see. First,
Twilight: “We need a proof-reader.”
I have no relationship experience," Twilight said counting the point on her hoof.
"As I lack any with a mare. But we will overcome that, I will help you, and you can in turn, help me, so to speak," Rarity said, as their lips met for a quick kiss at the ideas forming.
Author: “We’re gonna need two full-body casts, a month’s supply of candles and a bread bowl.”
"I do believe, though, that our friends will be a bigger issue."
Twilight: “The fire has to look like an accident.”
"Ugh, don't remind me. I don't want to carry my love life in the shadows like I have had to my sex life. I want to be able to sit with you in the park, enjoy a good picnic, see a show.
Author: I recommend the Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000 World Tour Road Show Experience.
Twilight: As if.
Author: At least we’d be making money for having to do this crap.
I want to hold you in public," Twilight said pulling Rarity in close and kissing her again.
Soon though, she stopped and looked down, a little guilty. "But our last problem is the biggest. Spike. He loves you, and now his best Friend
Twilight: And mother figure.
Author. And master.
Twilight: Shut up.
is with the mare of his dreams. I don't want to keep hiding this from him," Twilight said almost in tears. She wanted to protect Spike, and was being split by this thought.
Rarity: Hurry up and rescue Spike before he’s completely halved!
"I know my love, but I thought of a solution. I do believe Sweetie Bell has a little crush on our dearest little Spike. Why don't we just push that, I'm positive I can make those two love each other," Rarity said with a wink.
Author: “All we have to do is lock them in a basement until they kiss.”
"Really?" Twilight said, never even thinking of such a scheme.
Rarity: Despite being wise beyond her years and well-read, she wasn’t very intelligent.
"Yes my darling, I have already been working it so to speak,
Twilight: But I thought she just came up with it.
Author: Clop-logic knows no loyalties.
that's why I ask Spike to help them as much as I do. I was hoping to be with you, and now..." Rarity said, with a dreamy look, rubbing her hoof on Twilight's chest.
Twilight: Okay, everyone, we are heading deep into clop territory again. Are we ready?
Rarity: (Taking deep breaths) We got this.
Author: *cracks knuckles* Let’s do it.
"Oh you are too perfect," Twilight said, taking her lover to the bed again, both hooves in her mane as Twilight kissed up and down Rarity's neck. Rarity moaned and gasped as Twilight hit the sweet spot. Twilight picked up on the reaction, and ever so lightly put her teeth around the spot and bit gently,
Author: Popping the zit.
Twilight and Rarity: Gross!
blowing hot air on to the white unicorn's neck. Rarity almost purred at the nibble, turning her head away to give Twilight the most room possible, making the neck muscles pop.
Rarity: Ow.
Author: You should probably see a doctor about that.
Twilight bit a little harder, puling back ever so,
Twilight: So I was biting and whimpering at the same time?
Author and Rarity: Huh?
Twilight: “Puling”, with one “l”. I collect word-a-day calendars.
Author: Why does that not surprise me?
and Rarity could only respond with a grunt and two hooves digging into Twilight.
"Oh Celestia, Twilight.
Twilight: Nice save.
Ummmg," Rarity said as Twilight continued, "Uhh, *pant pant* please Twilight, mmm, please. yes, oh goddness yes, right there AHHHHH!"
Rarity: “SPIIIIIDERRRR!”
Rarity screamed a new octave as Twilight pulled back on the spot and moved her head in a small circle.
Rarity: I can understand the appeal in biting, but now it sounds like she’s trying to tear her flesh off!
Author: Twilight shouldn’t have taken that trip to Florida.
Twilight giggled into Rarity, causing more grunts and gasps. Twilight let her right hoof go for an adventure,
Twilight: It went kayaking, bungee-jumped, hit the casino, you know.
letting it slide down and start to play with Rarity's cutie mark. Rarity's breath was sharp and quick, her moans deep as she arched into the lavender mare. Twilight twirled her hoof on the Diamonds,
Author: The 50’s pop group?
pressing a little more here, brushing it there. Soon Rarity was pulling on Twilight hard, her hooves finding purchase right behind Twilight's shoulder blades.
Rarity: “When did you buy these new shoes, darling?”
Twilight with another giggle slid her left hoof down, and started to rub the inside of Rarity's thigh, which make a new sound escape Rarity,
Author: And a new tense.
begging.
"Ugg, yes. Down. Down there. Yes!" Rarity yelled through gritted teeth as she neared her edge.
Twilight: Uh-oh, they forgot to close the window again!
"Oh," Twilight said, picking her head up from her lovers neck, "Is This,”
Rarity: “Your card?”
Twilight: Miscapitalized? Yes it is.
She said sliding her hoof across Rarity's dripping mound, "What you want?" Rarity's eyes rolled back as she pressed herself harder into the hoof, grunting like a mad filly.
Author: “Hello? I’m here to return a bo-oh my goodness!”
Twilight moaned with pleasure, truly happy to make the mare she care so much for feel this damn good. Twilight rubbed up and down, Rarity forcing her eyes shut as
Rarity: Twilight began to show her old baby pictures.
Twilight: “This was my first bath!”
she was pushed further and further to her breaking point. Twilight pressed harder now, moving in a small circle, rubbing Rarity's button with the tip of her hoof. Rarity could stand no more,
Author: I thought they were lying down.
and as she brought her head forward, Twilight felt how close she was. Rarity dug her teeth into Twilight's neck,
Author: “How does that feel? Doesn’t feel so good, huh!?”
screaming with wave after wave of her orgasm, the mix of erotic pain and the pleasure of bringing this to her lover knocked Twilight over the edge as she ground into her own hoof,
Rarity: A very important part of the glue-making process.
the very one working Rarity, as she too felt wave after wave of pure pleasure. Both mares were well and truly spent now, and Twilight rolled off of Rarity,
Twilight: But not before she went to Heaven.
slowly, shakily bringing up her drenched hoof.
"Was that moi?" Rarity said eyeing the hoof in question.
Author: I was waiting for the gratuitous French to kick in.
Rarity: Ne pas insulter ma capacité de parler une langue étrangère!
"It was us," Twilight said breathlessly, but still licking the hoof in one, long draw. The sweet taste of Rarity was almost to good to be true.
Author: “Tastes just like s’mores!”
Rarity took the hoof between her own, and gave it a good licking, swirling her tongue over every inch, sucking on the edge that had tripped her own button.
Twilight: That’s a good way to spread bacteria.
Author: Spreading single-celled organisms is the whole point of sex.
"Mmm, You taste divine, my love," Rarity said, her eyes half lidded.
Rarity: You should cover them all the way if you don’t them to spoil.
"You too," Twilight said as she cuddle up to Rarity, closing her eyes, truly content for probably the first time in her whole life.
Twilight: Having fun and learning life lessons with caring friends does nothing for me.
Twilight drifted in between sleep and consciousness for a bit, finally lossing for a minute.
Author: I don’t even get what that means. “Lossing”?
Rarity: Maybe the author meant “flossing”.
Twilight: Or “drossing”, which would be more appropriate for this story.
Author: Whatever it means, we’re on the home stretch. Stay vigilant so we can get out of here.
She was roused awake by a small dragon named Spike.
Twilight: Why do they keep bringing up this “Spike” character? He doesn’t ring a bell at all.
Oh crap! the only two words to run through her waking mind.
"Hey Twilight, Rarity is washing up, she said you two put a lot of work into that new spell.
Author: I’d say it was quite the wet spell.
(Twilight and Rarity raise their hooves, but Author stops them with his hands.)
Author: Allow me. *smacks self in the back of the head with both hands*
I get why you wanted me downstairs, a spell that takes another unicorn to control it sounds dangerous," Spike said.
Rarity: Nevermind the fact that I said I was just coming over for a casual visit.
"Yeah," Twilight said, happy that Rarity had covered this situation before it became something much worse, but her mind still lagged from sleep. "So Rarity is...?"
Author: That white unicorn. You know, the one you just got hoof-happy with?
"Right here, Darling," Rarity said, stepping out of the wash room, a cloud of steam accompanying her.
Rarity: “Stir-fry’s done!”
"Oh pony," Spike said, "She looks like an angel."
"Yeah," Twilight said under her breath watching the unicorn with the alabaster coat.
Twilight: She carved it herself.
Snapping too though,
Author: Way too though for my tastes.
she asked, "How long was I out?"
"Hmm, about twenty minutes dear. You looked like a little angel sleeping, I didn't want to wake you," Rarity said with a smile.
"Thanks, I needed a nap," Twilight said rising from her bed as she headed to the wash room for her turn.
Author: And for some reason, she was really craving a cigarette.
"Not a problem dear. Spike," Rarity called on the dragon, "Would you run and get me some tea please?"
"Of course Rarity,"
Rarity: “As long as you don’t spill it all over yourself again.”
Spike said hoping downstairs.
Twilight: Would contain less awkward sexual tension.
"Thanks Rarity. I think it is time to push Sweetie Spike," Twilight said,
Author: “We gotta get this ship sailing, babe.”
looking down to her friend in the kitchen working like mad to make some tea.
Author: “Look at that sucker.”
Twilight: Okay, seriously, I don’t just sit there and watch him do chores.
Rarity: Of course not, dear.
Author: Yeah. You’d rather go out on the town while he does them.
(Twilight looks away and shakes her head.)
"Agreed, I want to be able to spend the night at some point,"
Twilight: Because she’s never done that before.
Rarity said with a giggle watching Twilight saunter into the washroom, quickly snapping her flank with her tail to a small yip and a lusty look form Twilight.
Rarity: “Form your own Twilight at home! All you need is a small yip and a lusty look!”
Twilight: It’s like the Big Bang, except with sultry body language.
Author: Heh, “Big Bang”.
Twilight: (To Author) Normally I’d give you a hoof upside the head, but frankly I’m tired of sitting here.
Author: Let’s just wrap this up. I think my video games miss me.
Rarity: My, I suppose that was quite the experience.
Author: Well, it didn’t kill us. I guess that’s something.
Twilight: And it had a nice ending.
Author: True. I wish more fics ended with high-school locker room hijinks. (To TV) Can we go now?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Not yet! You need to make a better critical comment than that, silly!
Author: *sigh* Fine… I guess one thing we didn’t touch on was the pacing. The author makes the same mistake a lot of other clop-writers do, in that he/she speeds through the non-clop parts to get to the clop parts.
Twilight: How very astute of you.
Author: Yeah. (To Pinkie Pie) Is it astute enough?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) The astuteiest! Here you go!
(The doors open and Author walks out, mumbling.)
Rarity: Oh, and Twilight?
Twilight: Yes?
Rarity: That hair-scent changing spell? Brilliant.
Twilight: I know. Now he’ll never want to smell another pony’s mane again.
Rarity: Except maybe for Pinkie Pie’s.
(They walk out.)
Rainbow Dash: (From TV, to Pinkie Pie) So, could you explain that “boat captain” thing to me?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Next time, Dashie! Push the button!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV): Whatever.
(She pushes the button and the TV turns off with a blip.)