MPPT3K Guest Submission:
Fluffershy
Mulecious and Super Big Mac are double-teaming Fluffershy today. I f you haven't read it, it's an amusing little fic that had me smiling all the way through. While I didn't find it laugh-out-loud funny, I'd still strongly recommend you give it a read un-riffed.
Enjoy!
Super Big Mac: (Sits up suddenly, looking around with a confused expression on his face) Woah, where am I?
Author: Welcome to my world.
Mac: Ohmygosh, Author!!! I’m a big fan!
Author: Shut up. I’m getting back at you for making me riff that clop for your birthday, by making you riff an ENTIRE FIC! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Twilight: Then why am I here?
Author: Sorry, at least one pony per fic, bye! (Author runs out the door, laughing with glee)
Twilight: We still need one more to get a proper riff, though.
Mac: Well, why don’t we ask that other guy that did a birthday riff for me?
Twilight: Muleicious?
Pinkie (from TV): Coming right up! (Pinkie hits a button and a ceiling panel pops open, dropping Mule to the ground with a thump)
Mule: (looks around and recognizes the room) Oh no... Oh dear sweet Luna no! Not again!
Twilight: Yeah, sorry. We needed a third. You were the first that came to mind.
Mac: So... what are we riffing, then?
Rainbow Dash (from TV): Well, to start off, we’ve got a short not-clop called Fluffershy.
Mule: Wait... Start out?
Rainbow Dash: Yep! We’re giving you the gauntlet! There’s an entire fic about half breeds and Celestia turning completely OOC, as WELL as Twilight becoming an Alicorn!
Mule: Ah... Excuse me then... (runs at the door, screaming as he tries to ram it open)
Twilight: Greeeeaaat... Not only will I grow wings, but I also have to deal with the Princess while she’s on her period?
Mac: How long does that last, since she’s immortal?
Twilight: About three to seven hundred years.
Mac and Mule: (shudder) Oh god....
*BUZZ*
All: We’ve got story sign!
"Come on Twilight! It's the only thing I haven't tried yet, it has to work!"
Mac: “I just have to use that love potion on Rarity!”
"Spike, I think you're just going to have to trust me on this one
Mule: “There’s no such thing as Molestia.”
when I tell you I'm pretty sure giving you armpit hair
Mac: “Is worse than giving you a book every single year for your birthday.”
Mule: Somewhere in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle is glaring at that joke.
Twilight: Yeah, and it’s from right next to you.
Mule: (jumps in surprise) Sorry, my mind was still on the fact that I’m stuck here again.
isn't going to make Rarity like you."
"You're harshing my buzz here Twi."
Mule: I’m getting flashbacks to AN BEAUTIFUL MASTERCLASS IS THIS.
Mac: I don’t drink, but when I do, I drink only enough to get buzzed.
"Twilight! Twiliiiiight!"
Twilight: What?
Mac: I just wanted to let you know that your mane is styled beautifully today! (sniffs) Do you use lavender shampoo? (Twilight blushes and slaps Mac)
"Oh thank goodness there's Pinkie Pie let's go she what she wants shall we?"
Twilight: “Because that always turns out well in fan fics.”
Mac: Mmmm.... Cupcakes... (Is punched by Mule)
Mule: We do not speak of it!
"This conversation isn't over!"
Mac (sing-song voice): “Until the fat lady sings! Come on, Twilight! That’s your cue!”
Twilight: (stomps Mac into the ground.) I am NOT FAT!!! And I KNOW what you said in Vacation is Elation!
Mule: Maybe that was just your interpretation.
Twilight: Yes, but I can’t stand consternation.
Mac: (groaning with pain) If I may offer an explanation...
Twilight: Only if you stop with the alliteration.
Mule: I think at this point we’re just doing it for the exploitation.
Mac: Why’d we do that? Even Pinkie’s divination is good enough to know that it would just make the reading of this fic take longer, and I’m already dying from perspiration.
Twilight: Ugh... that gag just hit its date of expiration.
Mac: Great send off.
Twilight Sparkle sighed as she hopped
Mac: like Pinkie?
down the stairs to the library's ground floor, Spike grumbling along behind her.
Mule: “Why do I have to be so OOC this time?”
Pinkie Pie was standing in the library's open door, looking around slowly as though she was expecting to find someone watching her.
Mule: (Sings) I always feel like, somepony’s watchin’ me
Mac: (Stares at Mule until Mule smiles sheepishly)
Twilight raised an eyebrow and trotted over.
"Hey Pinkie! Everything okay? Feelin' twitchy?"
Pinkie shook her head.
Mac and Twilight: GAH!!
Mac: Wh-what does that twitch mean?!
Twilight: That she’s in a terrible fanfic?
Mule: That the British are coming? (Mac and Twilight look at Mule)
Mac: Alright, I take offence to that. Why can it never be the Irish? We’ve got a long fighting background.
Twilight: So do the Pegasi. Why can’t it be them? They’re warlike at times.
Mule: Because... Muffins.
"Twilight, I think I found something bad and I
Mac: “Want you to riff it.”
Twilight and Mule: AHHHH!
don't know what to do about it."
Twilight: “Alright, Pinkie... Tell me, where did the bad thing touch you? Point it out on this smartypants doll for the Jury.”
Mule: To quote Spike “Dude, that’s creepy.”
The purple unicorn frowned. Pinkie was standing fairly still, tail dragging behind her, her usual smile in place but looking more than a little forced. She wasn't laughing.
Mac: No, she was singing! (starts to sing off-key) “Ohhh, I found something bad, something bad, something bad, and even though I had, I had, I had, I didn’t get that mad, that mad, that mad, but I’ll- (Twilight turns his head into a coin purse and snaps it shut.)
Mule: (slowly backs away, slightly afraid of the pastel colored pony)
Twilight (cocking an eyebrow): What? I get enough musical nonsense from a crazy pink pony. I don’t need more from a crazy white brony.
Mac (muffled): If I had a bit every time someone shut me up...
Ponyville was fucked.
Mac: “Tell me, Ponyville, where did Canterlot touch you? Show us on the town map.”
Mule: (facepalm) I’d rather not know how Ponyville was fucked, I barely want to know how Twilight was.
Twilight: Hey! I’ll tell you that it was-
Mule: STOP. Just. Stop.
"Oh no, is someone dead? Is there a plague? Are we being attacked!? By dragons!? ...OR ZOMBIES!?"
Mule: Zombies Attacking Ponyville... I sense the plot to the next Dead Rising game.
Mac: Or my next fanfic!
Mule and Twilight (both panicking): NO!!! Sweet Celestia, NOT THAT!!!
Pinkie blinked.
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Right Blinker on”
"What? There haven't been any zombies in ponyville since the great zombie epidemic of eight fifty-six when Wilhelmina Pie drove back the hordes of undead by luring the parasprites out of Everfree forest and getting them to eat the zombies which of course lead to zombie parasprites but it turns out zombie parasprites can't actually reproduce because they're dead so a force of marching bands five hundred ponies strong sent them back into the cracks of doom and destroyed the zombie crown, freeing all of Equestria from Lord Naughtius' cold skeletal grip!"
Mac: “Now, if it pleases the Jury, I would like Equestria to tell us where the Naughty Lord touched them. Please point to it on the globe.”
Mule: That joke’s so bad, it’s why Luna turned evil.
Mac: Oh, really? Well, I’ll have you know that-
Twilight: Can we please just get on with it? I’ll shove a fork into an electrical socket if I have to listen to any more of your petty bickering!
Twilight gaped.
Mule: Good for her.
"Anyhow, it's nothing THAT interesting. I was looking through Mr. Cake's movie collection for something to watch for my movie watching party and I found THIS
Mac: IS. SPAAAAARRRRTAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
."
Pinkie opened her saddlebag and pulled out a DVD case.
Mule: They have DVDs in Equestria?
Twilight: Of course, though I didn’t know they came in cases. Defective Virility Devices are used by many males to help keep their libido strong.
Mac and Mule: ....
Mac: So... so... DVDs are used to... ‘excite’ male ponies?
Twilight: Yes, was I not clear?
Mac: To quote Mule quoting Spike: “Dude, that’s creepy.”
Mule: I need brain bleach... Now!
Twilight blinked
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Left Blinker on”
, then levitated it out of Pinkie's mouth so she could get a better look.
Twilight: “Well, now I see your problem; your tongue was cut off! No wonder you’ve been so uncharacteristically quiet!”
Mule: If that’s Pinkie when she’s quiet, I don’t want to see her in a talkative mood.
"What the... is that somepony's ass?
Mac: Ha.
Twilight: That’s not funny! The use of Asses as slaves was abolished over fifty generations ago!
Mule: Wrong ass Twi, think plot.
Twilight: What plot? This fic has less plot than Cup- (Mule gives Twilight the Death Glare)
Mule: I said we shall never speak of that again!
'The biggest ever'... 'three hours of pure pony pleasure?' Pinkie, this is a porno."
Mule: “No, it’s a G1 movie.”
Mac and Twilight: (Scream)
Mac: Oh dear lord in the sky, get me away from that thing!
"I know that! But Twilight! Look at the mare on the front!"
Mac: As opposed to the colt on the back.
"All I'm seeing is ass, Pinkie. Yellow... butterfly-covered... pink-tailed... Celestia's gaskin,
Mule: Is she just making up words now?
Mac: (On Google) It says here that the gaskin is ‘the muscular part of the hind leg of a horse between the stifle and the hock.’
Twilight: Huh... Even I didn’t know that.
Mac: Would you be opposed to showing me the frog on your throat?
Twilight (reaches up with a hoof) What frog?
Mac: The one on your hoof! (Mac giggles childishly as Twilight groans)
Mule: Yeah... This’ll end well.
that looks exactly like Fluttershy!"
Mac: Nope, Buck Testa.
Mule: I was gonna guess Trixie. (Twilight shudders)
Pinkie nodded so hard that she almost tipped over
Mac: “And pour me out! I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout!”
Mule: Twilight, make his head a coin purse again.
Twilight: I got one better. (Twilight turns Mac’s head into a computer screen)
Mule: Ha, now Mac’s a PC.
Twilight: (groans)
.
"I know! I can't believe it! I never would have thought Fluttershy would do something like
Mac: “Eat eggs! She’s so vegetarian, that I thought she was vegan! Now she wants to make... bacon!” (Mule and Mac both lick their lips at the thought)
this! I mean, maybe Rarity, and I'd be surprised if Dash hasn't, and I could see maybe you, but Fluttershy?
Mac: What about AJ? She’s a hard worker. She can buck all day and night, and still be fine and dandy the next morning. Though, a whole week of bucking is bad for anybody.
Twilight: I’m debating whether to turn your head into something else, or just hitting you very, very hard.
Put her in front of a camera and she'd have a heart attack, much less trying to get her to have sex
Mac: Education is important for all fillies and colts to learn before engaging in intercourse.
!"
"Yeah I kno- wait, me?” Twilight’s brow furrowed dangerously. ”You could see me doing pornography Pinkie? What the hell?"
"We all know it's always the nerds that are secretly sex fiends, Twilight."
Mac, (looking at Twilight with sparkling eyes): Reeaaally?
Twilight: ( applebucks Mac into the next Riff) Pervert!
Mule: Okay, since we need to get Mac back from that, let’s take a break.
Twilight: Oh, thank Celestia!
Twilight and Mule: We’ve got break sign!
***
Mule: Well that was... Ok, I can’t fake this. What’s with the zombie attack that Pinkie mentioned?
Twilight:That’s a good story, actually. Better than this one, at least.
Mule: I’m all ears.
Twilight: Well, some crazy pony was mixing together a very potent pot of tea, and served it up with a pastry that had twenty different flavors all packed into it at once. The only problem was that, when eaten at the same time, a pony would become completely brain dead from the sugar overload. The Bon family hasn’t been able to keep a business together since.
Mule: Wait, Bon family? As in Bon-bon? Lyra’s friend?
Twilight: Yes, actually. Her family has a long history of magical mishaps with their products. Apparently, her voice changed dramatically due to eating one such sweet.
Mule: (giggling) Sorry, I’m just stuck on the fact that her name’s Bon-bon Bon.
Twilight: (groans) Yes, the last ‘Bon’ is short for Bon Apetite.
Mac: (Thrown through the door, the door slamming shut immediately.) Oww...
Twilight: Don’t go anywhere near my tail, you got that?
Mac: Y-yes ma’am...
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Spike, who had seen some of the reading material under Twilight's bed, simply nodded sagely.
Mule: Spike was wise beyond his years when it came to getting ‘tail’. (slapped by Twilight)
"Look, what Princess Celestia and I happen to do when alone is between us and her video camera and not available for public consumption. I mean, my personal life is not on trial here!
Mac: “Twilight’s personal life, please-
Mule: Didn’t we already use this joke to death?
Mac: But they keep giving me opportunities!
Twilight: Make the joke... I dare you. (horn glows bright)
Mac: N-no thanks, I’ll pass. (Mule snickers)
What I'm worried about is what circumstances would drive Fluttershy to do something like this. We should ask her if she needs money, at the very least."
"Woah, hold on,"
Mule: “I lost my contact lens, nopony move.”
Mac: “I think it’s over here. Ah, yeah. It fell in a plot hole.”
Twilight: This fic isn’t about a porno, it is a porno- it’s completely full of holes!
Mac: It must be a christian porno, because I keep wanting to laugh and say “Holy F-”
Twilight: Finishing that sentence is not advisable.
said Spike
Mac: And the Impalers.
, "aren't we jumping to conclusions here? We don't know for sure that's Fluttershy on the box, we just know it looks a lot like her, and I doubt either of you have spent enough time studying her rear end to be able to tell for sure."
Mac: “I, however, have spent plenty of time studying her flank. The hips are far too wide for this to be Fluttershy; not to mention that those butterflies are obviously metallic pink, and not matte.”
Mule: We could always get a second opinion from Dashie. (laughs) Yeah right, Dash behind Fluttershy? That’d never happen!
"...that's a good point," said Twilight, somewhat deflated.
Twilight: Why am I a balloon?!
"If it isn't Fluttershy she's going to be horribly offended when she finds out we assumed she did porn at the drop of a hat.
Mule: She’d prefer the drop of a bonnet, or maybe a parasoul.
We need to be sure."
"We should watch the video," said Pinkie.
"Excellent suggestion!" agreed Spike.
"What!? Look you two, I'm as curious as anypony, but one thing I am NOT curious about is watching Fluttershy mate, and DEFINITELY not for three hours!"
Mac: Yeah, Twilight, on the other hand- (sees Twilight glaring at him) Umm, I-I agree with her. That’s all.
Mule: (pats Mac on the back) Don’t worry buddy, we’re getting close to the end.
Mac: In the end, will I get to leave?
Twilight: Quite frankly? Most likely not. Especially since Pinkie controls this whole thing.
"What in tarnation did ah just walk into?"
All: Run, Applejack!!! Get out of this horrible fic while you still can!!!
They startled, then turned to find Applejack standing in the doorway, staring at the three of them in shock. Twilight blushed and used her magic to swing the library's door securely closed.
"Oh Applejack!" Pinkie nearly sobbed, "It's just terrible!
Mac: “You’re stuck inside a fanfic where
Fluttershy's a whore!"
Mule: (falls over laughing) I give that joke two points.
Mac: Aww, only a bronze medal? Why can’t Russia ever vote higher than 3?!
Mule: Because in Russia, fan fic makes fun of you.
Mac: (Banging head against wall) AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-okay, I’m done.
Applejack's face slowly exploded into an expression of horrified confusion.
Mule: That’s the type of face I made when I saw my first R34 too, AJ.
Mac: My first R34 was of Rainbow Dash, and it wasn’t something I’d like to remember. The second one, though... (Stares off into space, and the words ‘sparkle’ and ‘glasses’ are heard)
Twilight: (glares at Mac, then punches him) I didn’t even need magic to know what you were thinking.
Mac: (holding cheek) That was the softest punch you’ve done yet. You like me back, don’t you? (Kicked through the wall, into outer space, and straight into the sun)
Mule: He’ll be back. It’s just a flesh wound.
Twilight sighed and levitated the DVD case in front of her. The confusion left Applejack's face as she examined the cover, but the horror remained.
"What... y'all aren't telling me that's Fluttershy? You seriously think she cashed in her candy cooter for cold coinage? Ah can't credit it."
Mac: (popping out from beneath the computer desk) But I’ll take check, debit, or straight trading.
Twilight and Mule: AHH! (punches Mac in the face from shock)
"I don't know if I believe it either," said Twilight gently, "but the evidence is right there.
Mule: OBJECTION!
Either somepony is presenting pictures of her posterior to peddle pony pornography without permission,
Mac: “Possibly presenting posted packages pertaining to parenthood or probable patronage,
Mule: Fillies and gentlecolts, the next Dr. Seuss!
Mac: No, not likely. I’ve got too much mind-numbing work to do.
Twilight: Where do you work?
Mac: In a bakery.
Mule and Twilight: ... Oh, that bad?
Mac: Eh, it’s The Erotic Bakery, so...
Twilight: So that’s why you’re so full of clop!
Mule: Mac, do me a favor. Never give me any cakes you made at work... Ever!
Mac: Oh, I don’t bake; I’m the salesman. I work the cash register. Though I do get to add that little bit extra, hee hee, if you know what I mean.
Twilight: Something tells me that I really, really don’t want to.
Mule: (just grabs the nearest trash can and vomits) I will never eat cake again...
or Fluttershy's a pornstar."
"Either way, ah say we find the ponies responsible and buck their teeth out," snarled Applejack, "taking advantage of poor Fluttershy, of all ponies!"
Mule: As opposed to Rarity?
"But we don't know for sure," said Pinkie, "it might be some kind of mistake!"
"...which is why we need to WATCH it," said Spike, trying not to smile.
Twilight: Just read this fic, I haven’t smiled a line into it.
"I suppose we have to,” sighed Twilight. “Or at least enough of it to determine whether or not it really is her."
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Pinkie, "Let's pop this sucker in!"
"...pop it into what?" asked Twilight, "this is a library for books, not movies. I don't have a DVD player."
"But we can't watch it at the cake shop,"
Mac: When did Bon-bon get her shop reopened?
said Pinkie, "If Mr. Cake finds out I found his secret stash
Mac: of secret sugar.
Mule: Mr. Cake is Scarface
Mac: No... More like Charlie Sheen.
Twilight: Please... I’m losing my lunch over here!
, he'll be disappointed in me!"
"Don't look at me," said Applejack, "We don't even have a TV over at Sweet Apple Acres. I have a hard enough time getting Applebloom to do her homework as it is."
Mule “These fillies today with their Youtube, and their card games, and their ManeScrolls, and their...”
"Who do we know that would have a DVD player that we can trust with something like this?" mused Spike.
Mule: The Mayor. (Twilight and Mac look at him, confused) What? I know someponies.
Mac: I’m guessing Dash.
-
Mac: (pointing up) Yep, I was right!
Mule and Twilight: (facepalm/hoof)
"You want to watch WHAT?" asked Rarity, aghast
Mac: Attacked her home in the Nether, which was really quite rude.
Mule: Good thing she has diamond armor.
Mac: I know, seriously. She found diamond in the first two minutes! I’ve played for days without finding one!
Twilight: (shakes her head) And they say I’m a nerd.
Mac: Hey, now. I wear my status as a nerd with pride. (Adjusts fake buck-teeth and polka-dot bowtie.)
"Please Rarity?" asked Twilight. "We just want to be sure it's actually Fluttershy so we know how concerned we need to be. I mean, think about it.
Mule: “The plot to that book was horrible, and it was just some weird spider-thing anyway!”
Twilight: I hated it.
Mac: Me, too. It was terrible.
Pinkie: (from TV) Maybe you guys should riff It!
All: NO! NO! No way!
Mac: Besides, It isn’t even a pony fanfic!
Mule: Shhhh... don’t give them ideas.
This is Fluttershy.
Mule: No, this is Patrick.
Mac: Patrick enjoys long walks on the beach, running his hooves through a filly’s mane, and videotaping his love sessions with random mares for profit.
Blushes when she talks about bunnies doing it probably cried when she saw her first unsheathed stallion can't even walk in front of a camera without making a squeaking noise that shatters the lens Fluttershy! Can you imagine what would have to happen to drive her to making pornography?"
"Somethin' catastrophic," said Applejack.
Twilight: Like having a character that stays in character.
Mule: Or being drawn into a long fanfic about becoming an Alicorn.
Mac: Or even- (given glares from the other two)
Twilight: You can’t talk.
Mac: Y-yes, ma’am...
"She must have spent all of her bits on bunnies!" said Pinkie Pie, "with nothing left for herself!"
Pinkie curled up on the ground shivering,
Mule: Oh sweet Celestia, she’s going Pinkamena! RUN!
Mac: Your Pinkamon is evolving!
Mule: Press B you fool! Press B!
and began speaking in an uncanny imitation of Fluttershy's quiet whisper.
Mac: Pinkie used Transform!
"Oh woe is me, for I have given my last bit for rabbit food, and now I shall soon starve."
Spike sauntered over to her, gleefully stroking an imaginary moustache.
Mule: So it was like every Tuesday night?
Mac: At least it’s not corporal punishment. (All shudder)
"Well hello little filly,” he growled, “looks like you're in a bit of a tight spot. Could I interest you in a job?"
"Oh, yes sir!” cried Pinkie as Fluttershy, hopping onto her hooves, “thank you sir, I'll do anything you ask, sir!"
Twilight: “I’ll even write a horrible Rainbow Dash ship fic!”
"...ANYTHING?" Spike grinned hugely.
Mac: “Ohhh, fiiiinnnne.... I’ll write a horrible gore fic...”
Mule and Twilight: (...)
Mac: “I’ll... kill off Rainbow Dash?”
Mule: Aren’t there enough Cupcakes clones?
Mac: Maybe, but you’ve never tasted my brownies, mm-mm, delicious!
Twilight: I feel sick again.
Mac: Why? There’s no frosting on brownies, just fudge. (The others look at him blankly.) What? I don’t like frosting.
Mule: That’s... that’s strange, coming from you, Mac.
"Oh... oh my... oh sir, you wouldn't... you couldn't..."
Mac: I would not, could not on a boat. I would not, could not near a moat. I could not make porn anywhere, not even here or over there.
"That's right! Now get in front of that camera and shake your tail!"
Mac: Fluttershy uses tail whip! (Twilight hits Mac with a flamethrower)
Mule: It’s super effective!
Pinkie sobbed theatrically as she waggled her rump in front of a very alarmed Applejack. "But sir! This is so wrong! I'll go to pony hell!"
"Not my problem, now here comes your co-star... BIGGER McIntosh!"
"Oh Rarity! Help me! Watch my pornography and help me! Please!"
"Alright that's quite enough," sighed Rarity, massaging her forehead with a hoof. "The theatrics weren't necessary.
Mac: So says the drama queen.
I'll let you view that... thing. And then when you've all been proven wrong then you'll feel all the more foalish for it. Fluttershy would never do anything like this. It takes poise and gravitas to properly perform for a movie of this nature, and I guarantee you she doesn't have it."
"... how would you know anything about that?" asked Twilight suspiciously.
"... well... you see, I did dabble in acting just a bit before I opened up the boutique... and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."
Spike’s eyes widened, but anything he might have said was cut off by a well-timed hip check
Mac: As opposed to a Mainstream credit.
Mule: (groans) Those puns...
Mac: What’s opposite of hip, anyways? Hip and Hipster are like the same, but different. English language is confusing.
Twilight: Just... Just keep going, before you make another pun. Nothing you have will stop me from kicking you.
Mac: Alright, alright. Aegis it can’t be helped...
from Twilight. "Whatever,” she growled, “let's just watch this thing. I want to get it over with."
All: Same here!
"And I'd thank you two not to insinuate that mah big brother ruts in front of cameras fer money," said Applejack, glaring at Spike and Pinkie.
"I didn't say that!” said Spike, “I was insinuating that your DA
Mac: “Account was so full of pony porn that the Admins had to shut it down. You know better than that, AJ! FurAffinity’s where you post clop!”
-"
Pinkie shoved a cupcake into his mouth.
Mac: Good, now do that to everypony else, and we can get out of here!
Rarity set up the DVD player,
Mule: How did she do that without fingers?
Twilight and Mac: ...
Twilight: Magic. Duh.
and they all sat down on her big fluffy couch to watch.
"Popcorn?" offered Pinkie. Rarity sushed her. The movie started off with a techno beat soundtrack, then quickly degenerated into the standard plot.
Mac: Rainbow Dash’s?
"Oh my goodness, I don't have enough bits to pay for the pizza, OR this package that's just been delivered... if only I had some way to make it up to both of you gentlecolts..."
"... wow," said Applejack, "she's takin' the whole thing."
Mule: That’s what she sa- (punched by Twilight)
Mac: Dude, timing is everything...
"Never could manage that myself," commented Rarity, "gag reflex."
"I really like the music," said Pinkie, bouncing up and down in time with the beat.
Spike was very quiet.
Twilight: Ew! Spike, not in public!
"I think you're all missing the obvious here," said Twilight wearily. "Because that clearly is not Fluttershy."
"Of course it isn't," said Rainbow Dash, "that's Mandy Mare. This is her first ever DP scene. Handled it like a pro, in my opinion."
Twilight almost jumped out of her fur. "Rainbow Dash!? Wha- what are you doing here!?"
Mule: “The author wanted to put all the main cast in, so here I am.”
Mac: Oh god, then that means Fluttershy’s next...
"You guys were watching porn without me!” frowned the blue pegasus, “I'm insulted!"
Rarity blinked. "...how... how could you have possibly known...?"
"I have my sources."
"Woah down there now," said Applejack, turning to look at her hovering friend. "Dash. You've seen this... uh, movie before?"
"Seen it?" Dash chuckled, "I have it on VHS and DVD. Special edition too!"
"Then y'all can tell us if this here's the right case or if we've all been hornswaggled."
Rainbow Dash blinked as Rarity levitated the DVD cover in front of her.
"What? That's the right case, yeah. Why would... OH." Dash grinned wickedly. "You guys are watching this because Fluttershy's in it? You perverts!"
"We're not the ones who own three copies of this and never told anypony that poor Fluttershy's been reduced to mating on camera for a living!" Rarity was irate.
"Wooooaaaaaah hold on," said Dash, raising her hooves defensively. "This isn't what it looks like. Just wait for the hour and thirty-six minute mark and you'll see what I mean."
Twilight levitated the remote control and started fast-forwarding.
"You guys are no fun," grumped Rainbow Dash.
Over the course of an hour and a half the actors apparently picked up another mare and two stallions in the process of moving to Mandy's bedroom. Just as Twilight hit "Play" a familiar-looking pegasus pony nervously crept into frame. The camera immediately zoomed in and focused on her butt.
"Er... um... excuse me... I'm very sorry everyone... but... I've been sent to tell you... that... you're... all going... TO PONY HELL!!!"
Mule: That’s an actual place?
Twilight: Yeah, but we just call it the moon.
Mac: Then what’s Tartarus?
Twilight: Equestria’s prison.
The set was lit up with lurid red spotlights as a fresh batch of stallions leaped into the scene, waving pitchforks. Fluttershy let out a quiet yelp and scampered off.
"... what?" asked Applejack.
"That's it?" asked Pinkie Pie.
Mac: Yeah, that’s what she said.
Mule: ...
Mac: What? I’m agreeing with her!
"Those costumes are hideous," commented Rarity.
"She was an extra?" Twilight was incredulous.
Spike remained silent.
Twilight: I just... (groans in rage) I hate this fic so much right now.
"This film was made a couple of years ago," Rainbow Dash explained, pausing the action and rewinding so Fluttershy was back on the screen.
Mule: You enjoying that butt shot, huh Dashie?
Dash: (from the TV) I will Sonic Rainboom you into next week...
Mule: Can you make sure it’s at least Wednesday? I have a dentist’s appointment on Tuesday, and I’d be happy to miss it.
"They needed a pegasus to damn everypony to pony hell, so they held a casting call without telling anypony exactly what the part was. I brought Fluttershy with me when I auditioned for it, but the director liked her so much he paid her triple the going rate just for that scene. She used the money to build her house."
"That is a very gratuitous ass shot for a cameo," said Rarity.
Twilight: Seriously, what is their problem with donkeys?!
Mule: Wrong ass, Twi. Again. Read ‘flank’.
"Yeah, I don't think she knew they had that camera right behind her. I always figured it was better that she didn't find out."
"Hello everypony," said a quiet voice, "I've been looking for you all day. What's going on in this-"
Mac: “Hizzouse! Fo’ Shizzle, Rarity! You ditched me on our spa date, Shawty! That shit ain’t crunk, beeyotch!”
Mule: Dude, that’s so white you’re making Bill Nye look like he has street cred.
Mac: Dude, I used to live next to Bill Nye. He has so much street cred, the road outside his house is paved with rubies.
Rarity (from TV): Really? Can I go to his house, Please? Please, please, please, please, please?!
Pinkie (from TV): Hey, how’d you get into the control room?! You can’t even access it without the proper passcode!
Rarity (from TV): Darling, the passcode was ‘1234’ I seriously cannot believe you’d use such a ludicrously simple passcode. It’s the kind of thing a simpleton would put on their luggage!
Pinkie (from TV): Urrrgh! Now I have to change the code! Again!
"Oh applesauce."
Twilight: “No, I’ll take the candied apples. They’re much easier to lick.”
Mac: That’s what she said! (Kicked by Twilight into a passing train.)
"No Fluttershy!" Twilight panicked. "Don't look-"
Mule: “At the sun that long! You’ll wreck your eyes.”
"...nooooooo! My secret shame and sin!"
Mac: Oh, are they riffing the fic Green? Or maybe Study Buddies?
Twilight: Seeing as how it’s her secret shame and sin, I’d say both.
Mule: I always though Angel was her secret shame and sin.
"It's okay Fluttershy!" wailed Pinkie, "we're not judging you! I promise we're not judging you!"
All: We are.
Fluttershy paused in the act of attempting to commit seppuku with Angel bunny's carrot.
Mac: ... I am... trying... so hard... not to make... a sex joke... (Twilight slaps him)
Mac: ... Okay, I think that helped. Though Fluttershy’d be in a pickle if she used a cucumber instea- (Twilight drops a baby grand piano onto him.) H-hey, look... The Black Keys... heh heh...
"... you... you're not?"
"Nah, I think it's pretty cool actually," said the pink pony.
Mule: Then again, Pinkie thinks keeping us locked in a room reading horrible fanfiction is cool.
"And you have a FANTASTIC ass," said a grinning Rainbow Dash.
Mac: “I’d never seen it before, since I’m always in front.”
Mule: And thus FlutterxDash was born.
Fluttershy turned an interesting shade of red.
Mac: Was it Cherise? Maybe tomato red? No, wait, hmm.... This is gonna bug me for the rest of the fic.
Angel took his carrot back, gave the assembled ponies the bird, and hopped away.
Mule: Where did Angel get Philomena?
"... so um... I have to admit to being a little bit curious now," said Twilight, "after you sent them all to pony hell, how did this end?"
Twilight: I’m guessing badly.
Fluttershy blinked
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Sheriff Blinkhorn”
, then slowly clambered up onto the couch.
"Well, first they start using the pitchforks, which are all actually husbandry aids..."
-Oh Thank God It's Over
All: That’s OUR line!
***
Mac: Alright, that wasn’t so bad, and it gave me a few ideas...
Mule and Twilight: (groan in unison)
Twilight: At least it’s over.
Pinkie: (from TV) For now, you guys still have at least another fic to riff, but maybe we can work out switching one of you out for somepony else!
Twilight: Author!
Mule: Dash!
Pinkie: Author it is! Twilight, you don’t need to be here next time, but we can only do one swap at a time, so sorry, Mule, you’ll have to stay put!
Mule: (just closes his eyes and rubs his temples) I don’t want to live on this planet anymore...
Rainbow Dash: Don’t worry, dude. The next fic is only, like, 12 chapters long!
Mule: NOOOOOO!!!!!! (Dash hits the button)
Mac: (Still sitting there, thinking.) ... I am suddenly alone, aren’t I?
(completely quiet)
Mac: ... Looks like I’m stuck here... hmm. (Starts reading Author’s notes) That’s not that bad an idea...
Enjoy!
Super Big Mac: (Sits up suddenly, looking around with a confused expression on his face) Woah, where am I?
Author: Welcome to my world.
Mac: Ohmygosh, Author!!! I’m a big fan!
Author: Shut up. I’m getting back at you for making me riff that clop for your birthday, by making you riff an ENTIRE FIC! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Twilight: Then why am I here?
Author: Sorry, at least one pony per fic, bye! (Author runs out the door, laughing with glee)
Twilight: We still need one more to get a proper riff, though.
Mac: Well, why don’t we ask that other guy that did a birthday riff for me?
Twilight: Muleicious?
Pinkie (from TV): Coming right up! (Pinkie hits a button and a ceiling panel pops open, dropping Mule to the ground with a thump)
Mule: (looks around and recognizes the room) Oh no... Oh dear sweet Luna no! Not again!
Twilight: Yeah, sorry. We needed a third. You were the first that came to mind.
Mac: So... what are we riffing, then?
Rainbow Dash (from TV): Well, to start off, we’ve got a short not-clop called Fluffershy.
Mule: Wait... Start out?
Rainbow Dash: Yep! We’re giving you the gauntlet! There’s an entire fic about half breeds and Celestia turning completely OOC, as WELL as Twilight becoming an Alicorn!
Mule: Ah... Excuse me then... (runs at the door, screaming as he tries to ram it open)
Twilight: Greeeeaaat... Not only will I grow wings, but I also have to deal with the Princess while she’s on her period?
Mac: How long does that last, since she’s immortal?
Twilight: About three to seven hundred years.
Mac and Mule: (shudder) Oh god....
*BUZZ*
All: We’ve got story sign!
"Come on Twilight! It's the only thing I haven't tried yet, it has to work!"
Mac: “I just have to use that love potion on Rarity!”
"Spike, I think you're just going to have to trust me on this one
Mule: “There’s no such thing as Molestia.”
when I tell you I'm pretty sure giving you armpit hair
Mac: “Is worse than giving you a book every single year for your birthday.”
Mule: Somewhere in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle is glaring at that joke.
Twilight: Yeah, and it’s from right next to you.
Mule: (jumps in surprise) Sorry, my mind was still on the fact that I’m stuck here again.
isn't going to make Rarity like you."
"You're harshing my buzz here Twi."
Mule: I’m getting flashbacks to AN BEAUTIFUL MASTERCLASS IS THIS.
Mac: I don’t drink, but when I do, I drink only enough to get buzzed.
"Twilight! Twiliiiiight!"
Twilight: What?
Mac: I just wanted to let you know that your mane is styled beautifully today! (sniffs) Do you use lavender shampoo? (Twilight blushes and slaps Mac)
"Oh thank goodness there's Pinkie Pie let's go she what she wants shall we?"
Twilight: “Because that always turns out well in fan fics.”
Mac: Mmmm.... Cupcakes... (Is punched by Mule)
Mule: We do not speak of it!
"This conversation isn't over!"
Mac (sing-song voice): “Until the fat lady sings! Come on, Twilight! That’s your cue!”
Twilight: (stomps Mac into the ground.) I am NOT FAT!!! And I KNOW what you said in Vacation is Elation!
Mule: Maybe that was just your interpretation.
Twilight: Yes, but I can’t stand consternation.
Mac: (groaning with pain) If I may offer an explanation...
Twilight: Only if you stop with the alliteration.
Mule: I think at this point we’re just doing it for the exploitation.
Mac: Why’d we do that? Even Pinkie’s divination is good enough to know that it would just make the reading of this fic take longer, and I’m already dying from perspiration.
Twilight: Ugh... that gag just hit its date of expiration.
Mac: Great send off.
Twilight Sparkle sighed as she hopped
Mac: like Pinkie?
down the stairs to the library's ground floor, Spike grumbling along behind her.
Mule: “Why do I have to be so OOC this time?”
Pinkie Pie was standing in the library's open door, looking around slowly as though she was expecting to find someone watching her.
Mule: (Sings) I always feel like, somepony’s watchin’ me
Mac: (Stares at Mule until Mule smiles sheepishly)
Twilight raised an eyebrow and trotted over.
"Hey Pinkie! Everything okay? Feelin' twitchy?"
Pinkie shook her head.
Mac and Twilight: GAH!!
Mac: Wh-what does that twitch mean?!
Twilight: That she’s in a terrible fanfic?
Mule: That the British are coming? (Mac and Twilight look at Mule)
Mac: Alright, I take offence to that. Why can it never be the Irish? We’ve got a long fighting background.
Twilight: So do the Pegasi. Why can’t it be them? They’re warlike at times.
Mule: Because... Muffins.
"Twilight, I think I found something bad and I
Mac: “Want you to riff it.”
Twilight and Mule: AHHHH!
don't know what to do about it."
Twilight: “Alright, Pinkie... Tell me, where did the bad thing touch you? Point it out on this smartypants doll for the Jury.”
Mule: To quote Spike “Dude, that’s creepy.”
The purple unicorn frowned. Pinkie was standing fairly still, tail dragging behind her, her usual smile in place but looking more than a little forced. She wasn't laughing.
Mac: No, she was singing! (starts to sing off-key) “Ohhh, I found something bad, something bad, something bad, and even though I had, I had, I had, I didn’t get that mad, that mad, that mad, but I’ll- (Twilight turns his head into a coin purse and snaps it shut.)
Mule: (slowly backs away, slightly afraid of the pastel colored pony)
Twilight (cocking an eyebrow): What? I get enough musical nonsense from a crazy pink pony. I don’t need more from a crazy white brony.
Mac (muffled): If I had a bit every time someone shut me up...
Ponyville was fucked.
Mac: “Tell me, Ponyville, where did Canterlot touch you? Show us on the town map.”
Mule: (facepalm) I’d rather not know how Ponyville was fucked, I barely want to know how Twilight was.
Twilight: Hey! I’ll tell you that it was-
Mule: STOP. Just. Stop.
"Oh no, is someone dead? Is there a plague? Are we being attacked!? By dragons!? ...OR ZOMBIES!?"
Mule: Zombies Attacking Ponyville... I sense the plot to the next Dead Rising game.
Mac: Or my next fanfic!
Mule and Twilight (both panicking): NO!!! Sweet Celestia, NOT THAT!!!
Pinkie blinked.
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Right Blinker on”
"What? There haven't been any zombies in ponyville since the great zombie epidemic of eight fifty-six when Wilhelmina Pie drove back the hordes of undead by luring the parasprites out of Everfree forest and getting them to eat the zombies which of course lead to zombie parasprites but it turns out zombie parasprites can't actually reproduce because they're dead so a force of marching bands five hundred ponies strong sent them back into the cracks of doom and destroyed the zombie crown, freeing all of Equestria from Lord Naughtius' cold skeletal grip!"
Mac: “Now, if it pleases the Jury, I would like Equestria to tell us where the Naughty Lord touched them. Please point to it on the globe.”
Mule: That joke’s so bad, it’s why Luna turned evil.
Mac: Oh, really? Well, I’ll have you know that-
Twilight: Can we please just get on with it? I’ll shove a fork into an electrical socket if I have to listen to any more of your petty bickering!
Twilight gaped.
Mule: Good for her.
"Anyhow, it's nothing THAT interesting. I was looking through Mr. Cake's movie collection for something to watch for my movie watching party and I found THIS
Mac: IS. SPAAAAARRRRTAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
."
Pinkie opened her saddlebag and pulled out a DVD case.
Mule: They have DVDs in Equestria?
Twilight: Of course, though I didn’t know they came in cases. Defective Virility Devices are used by many males to help keep their libido strong.
Mac and Mule: ....
Mac: So... so... DVDs are used to... ‘excite’ male ponies?
Twilight: Yes, was I not clear?
Mac: To quote Mule quoting Spike: “Dude, that’s creepy.”
Mule: I need brain bleach... Now!
Twilight blinked
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Left Blinker on”
, then levitated it out of Pinkie's mouth so she could get a better look.
Twilight: “Well, now I see your problem; your tongue was cut off! No wonder you’ve been so uncharacteristically quiet!”
Mule: If that’s Pinkie when she’s quiet, I don’t want to see her in a talkative mood.
"What the... is that somepony's ass?
Mac: Ha.
Twilight: That’s not funny! The use of Asses as slaves was abolished over fifty generations ago!
Mule: Wrong ass Twi, think plot.
Twilight: What plot? This fic has less plot than Cup- (Mule gives Twilight the Death Glare)
Mule: I said we shall never speak of that again!
'The biggest ever'... 'three hours of pure pony pleasure?' Pinkie, this is a porno."
Mule: “No, it’s a G1 movie.”
Mac and Twilight: (Scream)
Mac: Oh dear lord in the sky, get me away from that thing!
"I know that! But Twilight! Look at the mare on the front!"
Mac: As opposed to the colt on the back.
"All I'm seeing is ass, Pinkie. Yellow... butterfly-covered... pink-tailed... Celestia's gaskin,
Mule: Is she just making up words now?
Mac: (On Google) It says here that the gaskin is ‘the muscular part of the hind leg of a horse between the stifle and the hock.’
Twilight: Huh... Even I didn’t know that.
Mac: Would you be opposed to showing me the frog on your throat?
Twilight (reaches up with a hoof) What frog?
Mac: The one on your hoof! (Mac giggles childishly as Twilight groans)
Mule: Yeah... This’ll end well.
that looks exactly like Fluttershy!"
Mac: Nope, Buck Testa.
Mule: I was gonna guess Trixie. (Twilight shudders)
Pinkie nodded so hard that she almost tipped over
Mac: “And pour me out! I’m a little teapot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout!”
Mule: Twilight, make his head a coin purse again.
Twilight: I got one better. (Twilight turns Mac’s head into a computer screen)
Mule: Ha, now Mac’s a PC.
Twilight: (groans)
.
"I know! I can't believe it! I never would have thought Fluttershy would do something like
Mac: “Eat eggs! She’s so vegetarian, that I thought she was vegan! Now she wants to make... bacon!” (Mule and Mac both lick their lips at the thought)
this! I mean, maybe Rarity, and I'd be surprised if Dash hasn't, and I could see maybe you, but Fluttershy?
Mac: What about AJ? She’s a hard worker. She can buck all day and night, and still be fine and dandy the next morning. Though, a whole week of bucking is bad for anybody.
Twilight: I’m debating whether to turn your head into something else, or just hitting you very, very hard.
Put her in front of a camera and she'd have a heart attack, much less trying to get her to have sex
Mac: Education is important for all fillies and colts to learn before engaging in intercourse.
!"
"Yeah I kno- wait, me?” Twilight’s brow furrowed dangerously. ”You could see me doing pornography Pinkie? What the hell?"
"We all know it's always the nerds that are secretly sex fiends, Twilight."
Mac, (looking at Twilight with sparkling eyes): Reeaaally?
Twilight: ( applebucks Mac into the next Riff) Pervert!
Mule: Okay, since we need to get Mac back from that, let’s take a break.
Twilight: Oh, thank Celestia!
Twilight and Mule: We’ve got break sign!
***
Mule: Well that was... Ok, I can’t fake this. What’s with the zombie attack that Pinkie mentioned?
Twilight:That’s a good story, actually. Better than this one, at least.
Mule: I’m all ears.
Twilight: Well, some crazy pony was mixing together a very potent pot of tea, and served it up with a pastry that had twenty different flavors all packed into it at once. The only problem was that, when eaten at the same time, a pony would become completely brain dead from the sugar overload. The Bon family hasn’t been able to keep a business together since.
Mule: Wait, Bon family? As in Bon-bon? Lyra’s friend?
Twilight: Yes, actually. Her family has a long history of magical mishaps with their products. Apparently, her voice changed dramatically due to eating one such sweet.
Mule: (giggling) Sorry, I’m just stuck on the fact that her name’s Bon-bon Bon.
Twilight: (groans) Yes, the last ‘Bon’ is short for Bon Apetite.
Mac: (Thrown through the door, the door slamming shut immediately.) Oww...
Twilight: Don’t go anywhere near my tail, you got that?
Mac: Y-yes ma’am...
(Buzzer sounds)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Spike, who had seen some of the reading material under Twilight's bed, simply nodded sagely.
Mule: Spike was wise beyond his years when it came to getting ‘tail’. (slapped by Twilight)
"Look, what Princess Celestia and I happen to do when alone is between us and her video camera and not available for public consumption. I mean, my personal life is not on trial here!
Mac: “Twilight’s personal life, please-
Mule: Didn’t we already use this joke to death?
Mac: But they keep giving me opportunities!
Twilight: Make the joke... I dare you. (horn glows bright)
Mac: N-no thanks, I’ll pass. (Mule snickers)
What I'm worried about is what circumstances would drive Fluttershy to do something like this. We should ask her if she needs money, at the very least."
"Woah, hold on,"
Mule: “I lost my contact lens, nopony move.”
Mac: “I think it’s over here. Ah, yeah. It fell in a plot hole.”
Twilight: This fic isn’t about a porno, it is a porno- it’s completely full of holes!
Mac: It must be a christian porno, because I keep wanting to laugh and say “Holy F-”
Twilight: Finishing that sentence is not advisable.
said Spike
Mac: And the Impalers.
, "aren't we jumping to conclusions here? We don't know for sure that's Fluttershy on the box, we just know it looks a lot like her, and I doubt either of you have spent enough time studying her rear end to be able to tell for sure."
Mac: “I, however, have spent plenty of time studying her flank. The hips are far too wide for this to be Fluttershy; not to mention that those butterflies are obviously metallic pink, and not matte.”
Mule: We could always get a second opinion from Dashie. (laughs) Yeah right, Dash behind Fluttershy? That’d never happen!
"...that's a good point," said Twilight, somewhat deflated.
Twilight: Why am I a balloon?!
"If it isn't Fluttershy she's going to be horribly offended when she finds out we assumed she did porn at the drop of a hat.
Mule: She’d prefer the drop of a bonnet, or maybe a parasoul.
We need to be sure."
"We should watch the video," said Pinkie.
"Excellent suggestion!" agreed Spike.
"What!? Look you two, I'm as curious as anypony, but one thing I am NOT curious about is watching Fluttershy mate, and DEFINITELY not for three hours!"
Mac: Yeah, Twilight, on the other hand- (sees Twilight glaring at him) Umm, I-I agree with her. That’s all.
Mule: (pats Mac on the back) Don’t worry buddy, we’re getting close to the end.
Mac: In the end, will I get to leave?
Twilight: Quite frankly? Most likely not. Especially since Pinkie controls this whole thing.
"What in tarnation did ah just walk into?"
All: Run, Applejack!!! Get out of this horrible fic while you still can!!!
They startled, then turned to find Applejack standing in the doorway, staring at the three of them in shock. Twilight blushed and used her magic to swing the library's door securely closed.
"Oh Applejack!" Pinkie nearly sobbed, "It's just terrible!
Mac: “You’re stuck inside a fanfic where
Fluttershy's a whore!"
Mule: (falls over laughing) I give that joke two points.
Mac: Aww, only a bronze medal? Why can’t Russia ever vote higher than 3?!
Mule: Because in Russia, fan fic makes fun of you.
Mac: (Banging head against wall) AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-okay, I’m done.
Applejack's face slowly exploded into an expression of horrified confusion.
Mule: That’s the type of face I made when I saw my first R34 too, AJ.
Mac: My first R34 was of Rainbow Dash, and it wasn’t something I’d like to remember. The second one, though... (Stares off into space, and the words ‘sparkle’ and ‘glasses’ are heard)
Twilight: (glares at Mac, then punches him) I didn’t even need magic to know what you were thinking.
Mac: (holding cheek) That was the softest punch you’ve done yet. You like me back, don’t you? (Kicked through the wall, into outer space, and straight into the sun)
Mule: He’ll be back. It’s just a flesh wound.
Twilight sighed and levitated the DVD case in front of her. The confusion left Applejack's face as she examined the cover, but the horror remained.
"What... y'all aren't telling me that's Fluttershy? You seriously think she cashed in her candy cooter for cold coinage? Ah can't credit it."
Mac: (popping out from beneath the computer desk) But I’ll take check, debit, or straight trading.
Twilight and Mule: AHH! (punches Mac in the face from shock)
"I don't know if I believe it either," said Twilight gently, "but the evidence is right there.
Mule: OBJECTION!
Either somepony is presenting pictures of her posterior to peddle pony pornography without permission,
Mac: “Possibly presenting posted packages pertaining to parenthood or probable patronage,
Mule: Fillies and gentlecolts, the next Dr. Seuss!
Mac: No, not likely. I’ve got too much mind-numbing work to do.
Twilight: Where do you work?
Mac: In a bakery.
Mule and Twilight: ... Oh, that bad?
Mac: Eh, it’s The Erotic Bakery, so...
Twilight: So that’s why you’re so full of clop!
Mule: Mac, do me a favor. Never give me any cakes you made at work... Ever!
Mac: Oh, I don’t bake; I’m the salesman. I work the cash register. Though I do get to add that little bit extra, hee hee, if you know what I mean.
Twilight: Something tells me that I really, really don’t want to.
Mule: (just grabs the nearest trash can and vomits) I will never eat cake again...
or Fluttershy's a pornstar."
"Either way, ah say we find the ponies responsible and buck their teeth out," snarled Applejack, "taking advantage of poor Fluttershy, of all ponies!"
Mule: As opposed to Rarity?
"But we don't know for sure," said Pinkie, "it might be some kind of mistake!"
"...which is why we need to WATCH it," said Spike, trying not to smile.
Twilight: Just read this fic, I haven’t smiled a line into it.
"I suppose we have to,” sighed Twilight. “Or at least enough of it to determine whether or not it really is her."
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Pinkie, "Let's pop this sucker in!"
"...pop it into what?" asked Twilight, "this is a library for books, not movies. I don't have a DVD player."
"But we can't watch it at the cake shop,"
Mac: When did Bon-bon get her shop reopened?
said Pinkie, "If Mr. Cake finds out I found his secret stash
Mac: of secret sugar.
Mule: Mr. Cake is Scarface
Mac: No... More like Charlie Sheen.
Twilight: Please... I’m losing my lunch over here!
, he'll be disappointed in me!"
"Don't look at me," said Applejack, "We don't even have a TV over at Sweet Apple Acres. I have a hard enough time getting Applebloom to do her homework as it is."
Mule “These fillies today with their Youtube, and their card games, and their ManeScrolls, and their...”
"Who do we know that would have a DVD player that we can trust with something like this?" mused Spike.
Mule: The Mayor. (Twilight and Mac look at him, confused) What? I know someponies.
Mac: I’m guessing Dash.
-
Mac: (pointing up) Yep, I was right!
Mule and Twilight: (facepalm/hoof)
"You want to watch WHAT?" asked Rarity, aghast
Mac: Attacked her home in the Nether, which was really quite rude.
Mule: Good thing she has diamond armor.
Mac: I know, seriously. She found diamond in the first two minutes! I’ve played for days without finding one!
Twilight: (shakes her head) And they say I’m a nerd.
Mac: Hey, now. I wear my status as a nerd with pride. (Adjusts fake buck-teeth and polka-dot bowtie.)
"Please Rarity?" asked Twilight. "We just want to be sure it's actually Fluttershy so we know how concerned we need to be. I mean, think about it.
Mule: “The plot to that book was horrible, and it was just some weird spider-thing anyway!”
Twilight: I hated it.
Mac: Me, too. It was terrible.
Pinkie: (from TV) Maybe you guys should riff It!
All: NO! NO! No way!
Mac: Besides, It isn’t even a pony fanfic!
Mule: Shhhh... don’t give them ideas.
This is Fluttershy.
Mule: No, this is Patrick.
Mac: Patrick enjoys long walks on the beach, running his hooves through a filly’s mane, and videotaping his love sessions with random mares for profit.
Blushes when she talks about bunnies doing it probably cried when she saw her first unsheathed stallion can't even walk in front of a camera without making a squeaking noise that shatters the lens Fluttershy! Can you imagine what would have to happen to drive her to making pornography?"
"Somethin' catastrophic," said Applejack.
Twilight: Like having a character that stays in character.
Mule: Or being drawn into a long fanfic about becoming an Alicorn.
Mac: Or even- (given glares from the other two)
Twilight: You can’t talk.
Mac: Y-yes, ma’am...
"She must have spent all of her bits on bunnies!" said Pinkie Pie, "with nothing left for herself!"
Pinkie curled up on the ground shivering,
Mule: Oh sweet Celestia, she’s going Pinkamena! RUN!
Mac: Your Pinkamon is evolving!
Mule: Press B you fool! Press B!
and began speaking in an uncanny imitation of Fluttershy's quiet whisper.
Mac: Pinkie used Transform!
"Oh woe is me, for I have given my last bit for rabbit food, and now I shall soon starve."
Spike sauntered over to her, gleefully stroking an imaginary moustache.
Mule: So it was like every Tuesday night?
Mac: At least it’s not corporal punishment. (All shudder)
"Well hello little filly,” he growled, “looks like you're in a bit of a tight spot. Could I interest you in a job?"
"Oh, yes sir!” cried Pinkie as Fluttershy, hopping onto her hooves, “thank you sir, I'll do anything you ask, sir!"
Twilight: “I’ll even write a horrible Rainbow Dash ship fic!”
"...ANYTHING?" Spike grinned hugely.
Mac: “Ohhh, fiiiinnnne.... I’ll write a horrible gore fic...”
Mule and Twilight: (...)
Mac: “I’ll... kill off Rainbow Dash?”
Mule: Aren’t there enough Cupcakes clones?
Mac: Maybe, but you’ve never tasted my brownies, mm-mm, delicious!
Twilight: I feel sick again.
Mac: Why? There’s no frosting on brownies, just fudge. (The others look at him blankly.) What? I don’t like frosting.
Mule: That’s... that’s strange, coming from you, Mac.
"Oh... oh my... oh sir, you wouldn't... you couldn't..."
Mac: I would not, could not on a boat. I would not, could not near a moat. I could not make porn anywhere, not even here or over there.
"That's right! Now get in front of that camera and shake your tail!"
Mac: Fluttershy uses tail whip! (Twilight hits Mac with a flamethrower)
Mule: It’s super effective!
Pinkie sobbed theatrically as she waggled her rump in front of a very alarmed Applejack. "But sir! This is so wrong! I'll go to pony hell!"
"Not my problem, now here comes your co-star... BIGGER McIntosh!"
"Oh Rarity! Help me! Watch my pornography and help me! Please!"
"Alright that's quite enough," sighed Rarity, massaging her forehead with a hoof. "The theatrics weren't necessary.
Mac: So says the drama queen.
I'll let you view that... thing. And then when you've all been proven wrong then you'll feel all the more foalish for it. Fluttershy would never do anything like this. It takes poise and gravitas to properly perform for a movie of this nature, and I guarantee you she doesn't have it."
"... how would you know anything about that?" asked Twilight suspiciously.
"... well... you see, I did dabble in acting just a bit before I opened up the boutique... and I may have done a few films that I'm not... particularly proud of..."
Spike’s eyes widened, but anything he might have said was cut off by a well-timed hip check
Mac: As opposed to a Mainstream credit.
Mule: (groans) Those puns...
Mac: What’s opposite of hip, anyways? Hip and Hipster are like the same, but different. English language is confusing.
Twilight: Just... Just keep going, before you make another pun. Nothing you have will stop me from kicking you.
Mac: Alright, alright. Aegis it can’t be helped...
from Twilight. "Whatever,” she growled, “let's just watch this thing. I want to get it over with."
All: Same here!
"And I'd thank you two not to insinuate that mah big brother ruts in front of cameras fer money," said Applejack, glaring at Spike and Pinkie.
"I didn't say that!” said Spike, “I was insinuating that your DA
Mac: “Account was so full of pony porn that the Admins had to shut it down. You know better than that, AJ! FurAffinity’s where you post clop!”
-"
Pinkie shoved a cupcake into his mouth.
Mac: Good, now do that to everypony else, and we can get out of here!
Rarity set up the DVD player,
Mule: How did she do that without fingers?
Twilight and Mac: ...
Twilight: Magic. Duh.
and they all sat down on her big fluffy couch to watch.
"Popcorn?" offered Pinkie. Rarity sushed her. The movie started off with a techno beat soundtrack, then quickly degenerated into the standard plot.
Mac: Rainbow Dash’s?
"Oh my goodness, I don't have enough bits to pay for the pizza, OR this package that's just been delivered... if only I had some way to make it up to both of you gentlecolts..."
"... wow," said Applejack, "she's takin' the whole thing."
Mule: That’s what she sa- (punched by Twilight)
Mac: Dude, timing is everything...
"Never could manage that myself," commented Rarity, "gag reflex."
"I really like the music," said Pinkie, bouncing up and down in time with the beat.
Spike was very quiet.
Twilight: Ew! Spike, not in public!
"I think you're all missing the obvious here," said Twilight wearily. "Because that clearly is not Fluttershy."
"Of course it isn't," said Rainbow Dash, "that's Mandy Mare. This is her first ever DP scene. Handled it like a pro, in my opinion."
Twilight almost jumped out of her fur. "Rainbow Dash!? Wha- what are you doing here!?"
Mule: “The author wanted to put all the main cast in, so here I am.”
Mac: Oh god, then that means Fluttershy’s next...
"You guys were watching porn without me!” frowned the blue pegasus, “I'm insulted!"
Rarity blinked. "...how... how could you have possibly known...?"
"I have my sources."
"Woah down there now," said Applejack, turning to look at her hovering friend. "Dash. You've seen this... uh, movie before?"
"Seen it?" Dash chuckled, "I have it on VHS and DVD. Special edition too!"
"Then y'all can tell us if this here's the right case or if we've all been hornswaggled."
Rainbow Dash blinked as Rarity levitated the DVD cover in front of her.
"What? That's the right case, yeah. Why would... OH." Dash grinned wickedly. "You guys are watching this because Fluttershy's in it? You perverts!"
"We're not the ones who own three copies of this and never told anypony that poor Fluttershy's been reduced to mating on camera for a living!" Rarity was irate.
"Wooooaaaaaah hold on," said Dash, raising her hooves defensively. "This isn't what it looks like. Just wait for the hour and thirty-six minute mark and you'll see what I mean."
Twilight levitated the remote control and started fast-forwarding.
"You guys are no fun," grumped Rainbow Dash.
Over the course of an hour and a half the actors apparently picked up another mare and two stallions in the process of moving to Mandy's bedroom. Just as Twilight hit "Play" a familiar-looking pegasus pony nervously crept into frame. The camera immediately zoomed in and focused on her butt.
"Er... um... excuse me... I'm very sorry everyone... but... I've been sent to tell you... that... you're... all going... TO PONY HELL!!!"
Mule: That’s an actual place?
Twilight: Yeah, but we just call it the moon.
Mac: Then what’s Tartarus?
Twilight: Equestria’s prison.
The set was lit up with lurid red spotlights as a fresh batch of stallions leaped into the scene, waving pitchforks. Fluttershy let out a quiet yelp and scampered off.
"... what?" asked Applejack.
"That's it?" asked Pinkie Pie.
Mac: Yeah, that’s what she said.
Mule: ...
Mac: What? I’m agreeing with her!
"Those costumes are hideous," commented Rarity.
"She was an extra?" Twilight was incredulous.
Spike remained silent.
Twilight: I just... (groans in rage) I hate this fic so much right now.
"This film was made a couple of years ago," Rainbow Dash explained, pausing the action and rewinding so Fluttershy was back on the screen.
Mule: You enjoying that butt shot, huh Dashie?
Dash: (from the TV) I will Sonic Rainboom you into next week...
Mule: Can you make sure it’s at least Wednesday? I have a dentist’s appointment on Tuesday, and I’d be happy to miss it.
"They needed a pegasus to damn everypony to pony hell, so they held a casting call without telling anypony exactly what the part was. I brought Fluttershy with me when I auditioned for it, but the director liked her so much he paid her triple the going rate just for that scene. She used the money to build her house."
"That is a very gratuitous ass shot for a cameo," said Rarity.
Twilight: Seriously, what is their problem with donkeys?!
Mule: Wrong ass, Twi. Again. Read ‘flank’.
"Yeah, I don't think she knew they had that camera right behind her. I always figured it was better that she didn't find out."
"Hello everypony," said a quiet voice, "I've been looking for you all day. What's going on in this-"
Mac: “Hizzouse! Fo’ Shizzle, Rarity! You ditched me on our spa date, Shawty! That shit ain’t crunk, beeyotch!”
Mule: Dude, that’s so white you’re making Bill Nye look like he has street cred.
Mac: Dude, I used to live next to Bill Nye. He has so much street cred, the road outside his house is paved with rubies.
Rarity (from TV): Really? Can I go to his house, Please? Please, please, please, please, please?!
Pinkie (from TV): Hey, how’d you get into the control room?! You can’t even access it without the proper passcode!
Rarity (from TV): Darling, the passcode was ‘1234’ I seriously cannot believe you’d use such a ludicrously simple passcode. It’s the kind of thing a simpleton would put on their luggage!
Pinkie (from TV): Urrrgh! Now I have to change the code! Again!
"Oh applesauce."
Twilight: “No, I’ll take the candied apples. They’re much easier to lick.”
Mac: That’s what she said! (Kicked by Twilight into a passing train.)
"No Fluttershy!" Twilight panicked. "Don't look-"
Mule: “At the sun that long! You’ll wreck your eyes.”
"...nooooooo! My secret shame and sin!"
Mac: Oh, are they riffing the fic Green? Or maybe Study Buddies?
Twilight: Seeing as how it’s her secret shame and sin, I’d say both.
Mule: I always though Angel was her secret shame and sin.
"It's okay Fluttershy!" wailed Pinkie, "we're not judging you! I promise we're not judging you!"
All: We are.
Fluttershy paused in the act of attempting to commit seppuku with Angel bunny's carrot.
Mac: ... I am... trying... so hard... not to make... a sex joke... (Twilight slaps him)
Mac: ... Okay, I think that helped. Though Fluttershy’d be in a pickle if she used a cucumber instea- (Twilight drops a baby grand piano onto him.) H-hey, look... The Black Keys... heh heh...
"... you... you're not?"
"Nah, I think it's pretty cool actually," said the pink pony.
Mule: Then again, Pinkie thinks keeping us locked in a room reading horrible fanfiction is cool.
"And you have a FANTASTIC ass," said a grinning Rainbow Dash.
Mac: “I’d never seen it before, since I’m always in front.”
Mule: And thus FlutterxDash was born.
Fluttershy turned an interesting shade of red.
Mac: Was it Cherise? Maybe tomato red? No, wait, hmm.... This is gonna bug me for the rest of the fic.
Angel took his carrot back, gave the assembled ponies the bird, and hopped away.
Mule: Where did Angel get Philomena?
"... so um... I have to admit to being a little bit curious now," said Twilight, "after you sent them all to pony hell, how did this end?"
Twilight: I’m guessing badly.
Fluttershy blinked
Mac: Achievement Unlocked! “Sheriff Blinkhorn”
, then slowly clambered up onto the couch.
"Well, first they start using the pitchforks, which are all actually husbandry aids..."
-Oh Thank God It's Over
All: That’s OUR line!
***
Mac: Alright, that wasn’t so bad, and it gave me a few ideas...
Mule and Twilight: (groan in unison)
Twilight: At least it’s over.
Pinkie: (from TV) For now, you guys still have at least another fic to riff, but maybe we can work out switching one of you out for somepony else!
Twilight: Author!
Mule: Dash!
Pinkie: Author it is! Twilight, you don’t need to be here next time, but we can only do one swap at a time, so sorry, Mule, you’ll have to stay put!
Mule: (just closes his eyes and rubs his temples) I don’t want to live on this planet anymore...
Rainbow Dash: Don’t worry, dude. The next fic is only, like, 12 chapters long!
Mule: NOOOOOO!!!!!! (Dash hits the button)
Mac: (Still sitting there, thinking.) ... I am suddenly alone, aren’t I?
(completely quiet)
Mac: ... Looks like I’m stuck here... hmm. (Starts reading Author’s notes) That’s not that bad an idea...