FP Riffs 11: Return of the changeling's
I want to take a detour from the two ongoing riffs I have on the back burner now to address THIS. A story by a reformed author named RawHavoc.
Most of you already know (hopefully) that I’m a member of the Train Wreck Explorers, a group dedicated to posting constructive criticism in the comments of stories with a majority of downvotes, mostly those that appear on the front page of FIMFiction. By now, I think the group has grown enough to need no further introduction.
RawHavoc is an author that has been put on the TWE blacklist, along with my old “friend” FelixDawn. He shared the same crimes of shitty grammar and a shitty attitude towards anyone saying his fic isn’t good. He recently apologized for his rash behavior, and a bunch of the guys from the TWE apologized in turn for theirs, but the art of riffing is one without bias or forgiveness, so here we are.
The thing that sets him apart from Felix, apart from one of the single worst OCs I’ve ever seen on this site, is the fact that he HAD revised this story, “Return of the changeling’s,” once before, which is the version I have here. He just didn’t change anything that was wrong with it, and if he did, he just made it so much worse. I grabbed the chapters here before he went in to change it for a second time, since this thing needed to be preserved in its terrible glory. Seriously, if nothing else, look at the comments. Poultron fucked them over THREE TIMES, the bile was that bad.
Well, there are only about 5000 words of story (IN SIX FUCKING CHAPTERS), so I can shove it all in one document. Here we go. “Return of the changeling’s.”
Most of you already know (hopefully) that I’m a member of the Train Wreck Explorers, a group dedicated to posting constructive criticism in the comments of stories with a majority of downvotes, mostly those that appear on the front page of FIMFiction. By now, I think the group has grown enough to need no further introduction.
RawHavoc is an author that has been put on the TWE blacklist, along with my old “friend” FelixDawn. He shared the same crimes of shitty grammar and a shitty attitude towards anyone saying his fic isn’t good. He recently apologized for his rash behavior, and a bunch of the guys from the TWE apologized in turn for theirs, but the art of riffing is one without bias or forgiveness, so here we are.
The thing that sets him apart from Felix, apart from one of the single worst OCs I’ve ever seen on this site, is the fact that he HAD revised this story, “Return of the changeling’s,” once before, which is the version I have here. He just didn’t change anything that was wrong with it, and if he did, he just made it so much worse. I grabbed the chapters here before he went in to change it for a second time, since this thing needed to be preserved in its terrible glory. Seriously, if nothing else, look at the comments. Poultron fucked them over THREE TIMES, the bile was that bad.
Well, there are only about 5000 words of story (IN SIX FUCKING CHAPTERS), so I can shove it all in one document. Here we go. “Return of the changeling’s.”
Fallen Prime: Thanks for helping me make use of the dinner table I just put in here, Applejack.
Applejack: My pleasure, Fallen. This armory’s lookin’ more like an actual home by the minute!
Fallen: Well, yeah. I want to be ready and comfortable in case Pinkie ever decides to lock me in for another multi-chapter project. Your family’s GOOD at this cooking thing.
AJ: It’s why Sweet Apple Acres is still in business.
Fallen: I’m a little surprised you haven’t gotten sick of the taste of apples yet.
AJ: What kinda nonsense is that? Me, get sick of apples? Ah’m surrounded by ‘em every day of my life. They’re the source of the family income! Ah can’t AFFORD to get sick of apples, even if ah wanted to.
Rainbow Dash: I smell apple pie! You’d better have left some for me!
Fallen: Well, considering we didn’t expect you to come by, we didn’t plan on it.
AJ: Hush, you. There’s still some left if ya want it, Rainbow.
Dash: Sweet! Hey, uh, Fallen, can I ask you something?
Fallen: I guess. What's on your mind?
Dash: Your name. I haven't heard too many human names, but yours still sounds... weird.
Fallen: There's a little bit of a story behind it. Not a long one, but it might interest you. You see-
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: ...I don't know why you let her do that to you, Rainbow.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) It's actually almost too easy!
Dash: Yeah, thanks for that.
AJ: Well, ain't no use fightin' it. What do ya have for us today, Pinkie?
Pinkie: I'll say this much about it: Primey's gonna LOVE it!
Fallen: That never means anything good in the MST business. Can you at least tell me the author's name?
Pinkie: Sure! Ever heard of RawHavoc?
AJ: Can't say ah have.
Dash: Doesn't ring a bell.
Fallen: (eye twitches) Did you just say "RawHavoc?"
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: It's "Return of the changeling's," isn't it.
Pinkie: Ooh, you're GOOD!
Fallen: I don't know whether to give you the biggest hug of your life or choke the life out of you.
Dash: Wait. Is that the one that-
Fallen: Triple-nuked comments and on my group's blacklist.
Dash: Oh no. I don't wanna be here for this! Let me out!
Pinkie: No can do, Dashie. I already have it set up!
Fallen: How did the author's name not ring a bell if you know this abomination?
Dash: I don't usually pay attention to who wrote the stories.
AJ: But ya DO know what we're in for. How bad is this gonna hurt?
Dash: More than a botched cavity inspection.
Fallen: I've never had cavities, so I have no idea what that's like. And it doesn't sound severe enough. Neither of you were there for those FelixDawn stories-
Dash: I still presented them to you.
Fallen: -so this will be your first taste of the Train Wreck Explorers blacklist. And for what it's worth, I'm here for you.
AJ: That ain't much comfort.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got story sign!
Applejack: My pleasure, Fallen. This armory’s lookin’ more like an actual home by the minute!
Fallen: Well, yeah. I want to be ready and comfortable in case Pinkie ever decides to lock me in for another multi-chapter project. Your family’s GOOD at this cooking thing.
AJ: It’s why Sweet Apple Acres is still in business.
Fallen: I’m a little surprised you haven’t gotten sick of the taste of apples yet.
AJ: What kinda nonsense is that? Me, get sick of apples? Ah’m surrounded by ‘em every day of my life. They’re the source of the family income! Ah can’t AFFORD to get sick of apples, even if ah wanted to.
Rainbow Dash: I smell apple pie! You’d better have left some for me!
Fallen: Well, considering we didn’t expect you to come by, we didn’t plan on it.
AJ: Hush, you. There’s still some left if ya want it, Rainbow.
Dash: Sweet! Hey, uh, Fallen, can I ask you something?
Fallen: I guess. What's on your mind?
Dash: Your name. I haven't heard too many human names, but yours still sounds... weird.
Fallen: There's a little bit of a story behind it. Not a long one, but it might interest you. You see-
(The armory doors slam shut and lock.)
Fallen: ...I don't know why you let her do that to you, Rainbow.
Pinkie Pie: (from TV) It's actually almost too easy!
Dash: Yeah, thanks for that.
AJ: Well, ain't no use fightin' it. What do ya have for us today, Pinkie?
Pinkie: I'll say this much about it: Primey's gonna LOVE it!
Fallen: That never means anything good in the MST business. Can you at least tell me the author's name?
Pinkie: Sure! Ever heard of RawHavoc?
AJ: Can't say ah have.
Dash: Doesn't ring a bell.
Fallen: (eye twitches) Did you just say "RawHavoc?"
Pinkie: Yep!
Fallen: It's "Return of the changeling's," isn't it.
Pinkie: Ooh, you're GOOD!
Fallen: I don't know whether to give you the biggest hug of your life or choke the life out of you.
Dash: Wait. Is that the one that-
Fallen: Triple-nuked comments and on my group's blacklist.
Dash: Oh no. I don't wanna be here for this! Let me out!
Pinkie: No can do, Dashie. I already have it set up!
Fallen: How did the author's name not ring a bell if you know this abomination?
Dash: I don't usually pay attention to who wrote the stories.
AJ: But ya DO know what we're in for. How bad is this gonna hurt?
Dash: More than a botched cavity inspection.
Fallen: I've never had cavities, so I have no idea what that's like. And it doesn't sound severe enough. Neither of you were there for those FelixDawn stories-
Dash: I still presented them to you.
Fallen: -so this will be your first taste of the Train Wreck Explorers blacklist. And for what it's worth, I'm here for you.
AJ: That ain't much comfort.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We've got story sign!
Authors note.
The reason the dislikes are high is because i forgot to label this as the first step in my OC's adventure in canterlot.
Fallen: No, it was downvoted so much because it is an abomination unto God.
AJ: Why would the guy think forgettin' to mention it's part of a series was the problem?
Fallen: I know, right? ESPECIALLY because it was the first in that series, so there wasn't even a series yet. The readers judge the content of the story, and the content is a fucking incomplete travesty.
So Ive put in the title the word (MS) this stands for Main Story.
p.s Grammar and Punctuation is not used much...Coz it confuses me..Coz im a A+ science student not a writer...But im giving it ago....
Fallen: That's why you get an editor and proofreader.
Dash: Twilight must be off crying right now...
And im not really enjoying my time on fimfiction..as much as I thought.
Fallen: Don't like people seeing your self-insert wish fulfillment for what it is?
That is all. Now read the fic if you wan't.
Dash: See? Only if we WANT! Let me out already!
Fallen: You weren't like this for "The Brothel." Calm the shit down.
Rainbow Dash was resting on a cloud as the sun shined down on her as she tossed and turned uncomfortably on what she might call the roughest cloud in all equestria as she did this something caught her eye something rather unexpected an enormous hurricane with a purple center Rainbow Dash was looking at the purple center as she got a better look at it she noticed something bright falling from it.
AJ: Was that all one sentence!?
Fallen: This is gonna HURT.
Was it scootaloo trying to perform a sonic rainboom?
Dash: I think I'd be more concerned if Scootaloo learned to fly without bragging to me about it.
Was it a comet falling from the sky? Rainbow Dash couldn't figure what the object was before it hit the ground with an earth shaking crash even though she was in the sky she felt the shockwave from the objects impact underneath
Fallen: If that was a pony, they're SO dead.
but for now that didn’t matter for now her only concern was the hurricane.
AJ: What hurricane?
When she had looked out her window Luna had happened to notice a burning object streaking its way across the sky she orders some of her men to go out and retrieve the flaming object.
Fallen: None of the tenses there were the right one.
"What do you want us to do when we retrieve it princess?" asked one of Luna’s higher ranking guard's.
"Bring it to the equestrian mountain military experimental facility then he will fly into my arms." she answered with a small smirk on her face.
Fallen: Oh god, so many problems already. The grammar, the fact that this apparently IS a pony, the fact that this pony survived hurricane-speed travel and a shockwave-creating earthquake, the fact that Luna seems to have the hots for him before the audience even SEES him...
Dash: Don't forget the fact that Scootaloo can apparently fly.
AJ: And the fact that the author thought this was a good idea.
(4 hour's later)
Dash: I don't think you're supposed to do time shifts like that.
The air was thick with smoke as the royal guards surrounded the burning ruins of what some ponies would call a giant metal cocoon, but this was more than a cocoon it had a strange language engraved around the body work,
Fallen: No. Fucking no. If that's Cybertronian, I'm gonna kill something.
AJ: What's that supposed to mean?
Fallen: Nothing to you, but a grave insult to me.
the guard commander told his men to take the cocoon back to the lab and run experiments on it a couple of days went by as the scientists decipher the cocoon and the strange language turned out to be an encrypted message saying
Fallen: "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."
‘This is your only hope of survival’
"Why does it have a message like that engraved on it?" One of the scientists asked.
Dash: What, they've never had Gary Stus crash-land in front of them before?
"How could a giant lump of junk like this be our only survival?" The guard commander shot back.
( But at 11:35pm things take a weird change )
Fallen: That is easily the single WORST depiction of the passage of time I've seen.
One of the security officers trots into find that the cocoon is shattered into pieces
AJ: "Sorry. Somepony said our orders were to smash it with a hammer."
Fallen: I'm also killing something if it's a Butterfree.
seeing this he goes over to investigate, As he walks down the three sets of stairs, to the lab, suddenly the lights switch off only to be replaced with a dim red light from the generators, as the guard got to the last set of stairs he hears the sound of a pair of wings flair up behind him.
Dash: Guess he grabbed the attention of one of the mares in the Royal Guard.
The officer turns round to see who it was as he points his glowing horn in the direction of where he last heard the sound, at first he sees nothing until he turns around to be greeted by
Dash: Oh no. This is it.
Fallen: Here we go. Our protagonist.
AJ: Y'all say that like this OC's awful. And Fallen, you've seen a lot of 'em, right?
Fallen: Far too many. But this... just look.
a alicorn with soul piercing red draconic eyes and pitch black stripes across his body and his coat an ashen grey with wings that from afar looked metallic but were actually covered by armor that blended well with his wings whose feathers had an a special reflective quality to them rarely seen on an equine his mane was a dark black color with three purple stripes in it while his tail was much the same except the purple branched off into several different directions,
AJ: What- how- but- that ain't natural! Ah can't even call that a pony!
Dash: That's... that's our hero.
AJ: This is like a mashup of everything ya DON'T want yer OC to look like!
Fallen: It's not red and black, thankfully, but the one major cliche it avoids is subverted by all the NEW awfulness it seems to have invented for itself!
The security officer falls to the floor in horror as this strange alicorn slowly comes closer and closer.
Fallen: The officer’s anus was regrettably unprepared.
Dash: Looks like he’s settling on present tense. I’m not used to that, but hey, it works.
Fallen: Just wait. It doesn’t take.
The officer backs away as the alicorn trots toward him until he is backed into a corner unable get anywhere else the officer watch's in fear as the alicorn gets really close, The security officer puts his hooves over his eyes he hears what he thinks his final words he'll ever hear were.
Fallen: “Some people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you... not anymore.”
"What the fuck are you doing?" the alicorn asks a with a confused look on his face.
The officer takes one of his hoofs off his eye's the unknown pony is holding out one of his hoof toward the officer. "Let me introduce myself my name is Raw Havoc what's your's," the alicorn asks.
AJ: His name... is Raw Havoc.
Fallen: Or RawHavoc. Or Rawhavoc. Or just Havoc. It’s clear he can’t decide.
"S-ss-silver glaze," the officer answers back.
Fallen: See? Silver Glaze isn’t a terrible name, though the “-aze” ending is a little overdone. This author does know a LITTLE bit about naming OCs, so why botch his hero so badly?
Rawhavoc looks back at Silver glaze and trys to start a conversation
"hey Silver glaze is it, can you tell where I am by any chance?" he asks hopefully.
"You're in the equestrian mountain military experimental facility," Silver glaze answers after he gets up from the floor.
AJ: So he’s an experiment?
Fallen: Considering he crash-landed there, I doubt it, but they never do explain it.
"Is there anyway out of here by any chance?" Rawhavoc asks.
Silver glaze silently points up at a vent on the roof. Havoc looking up at the vent says "Hmm....it looks wide enough".
Dash: By any chance?
Havoc takes to the sky towards the vent ramming into it with his horn trying to get it off until Silver glaze shouts out to Havoc.
"You can always take of the vent off with magic you know that's what the horn is used for." Silver said trying to keep a straight face.
AJ: An alicorn that can’t do magic. Ah feel like they could do somethin’ with that.
Fallen: He wouldn’t be nearly as much of a Gary Stu if that stuck at all.
“I knew that,” Havoc said looking down at Silver Glaze.
after a bit of struggling
Dash: I somehow don’t buy that.
Havoc finally takes off the vent he then throws it to the ground "See ya later." Havoc said with a small wave he then rocket's through the vent shaft out of the building breaking the sound barrier
Fallen: Are you fucking kidding me? Supersonic- living creatures are not supposed to withstand that!
into his new home of Canterlot.
Fallen: I know these chapters are short, but... I still need to stop. I can only take so much of this in one sitting.
AJ: You and me both. Ah think ah’m losin’ brain cells already.
The reason the dislikes are high is because i forgot to label this as the first step in my OC's adventure in canterlot.
Fallen: No, it was downvoted so much because it is an abomination unto God.
AJ: Why would the guy think forgettin' to mention it's part of a series was the problem?
Fallen: I know, right? ESPECIALLY because it was the first in that series, so there wasn't even a series yet. The readers judge the content of the story, and the content is a fucking incomplete travesty.
So Ive put in the title the word (MS) this stands for Main Story.
p.s Grammar and Punctuation is not used much...Coz it confuses me..Coz im a A+ science student not a writer...But im giving it ago....
Fallen: That's why you get an editor and proofreader.
Dash: Twilight must be off crying right now...
And im not really enjoying my time on fimfiction..as much as I thought.
Fallen: Don't like people seeing your self-insert wish fulfillment for what it is?
That is all. Now read the fic if you wan't.
Dash: See? Only if we WANT! Let me out already!
Fallen: You weren't like this for "The Brothel." Calm the shit down.
Rainbow Dash was resting on a cloud as the sun shined down on her as she tossed and turned uncomfortably on what she might call the roughest cloud in all equestria as she did this something caught her eye something rather unexpected an enormous hurricane with a purple center Rainbow Dash was looking at the purple center as she got a better look at it she noticed something bright falling from it.
AJ: Was that all one sentence!?
Fallen: This is gonna HURT.
Was it scootaloo trying to perform a sonic rainboom?
Dash: I think I'd be more concerned if Scootaloo learned to fly without bragging to me about it.
Was it a comet falling from the sky? Rainbow Dash couldn't figure what the object was before it hit the ground with an earth shaking crash even though she was in the sky she felt the shockwave from the objects impact underneath
Fallen: If that was a pony, they're SO dead.
but for now that didn’t matter for now her only concern was the hurricane.
AJ: What hurricane?
When she had looked out her window Luna had happened to notice a burning object streaking its way across the sky she orders some of her men to go out and retrieve the flaming object.
Fallen: None of the tenses there were the right one.
"What do you want us to do when we retrieve it princess?" asked one of Luna’s higher ranking guard's.
"Bring it to the equestrian mountain military experimental facility then he will fly into my arms." she answered with a small smirk on her face.
Fallen: Oh god, so many problems already. The grammar, the fact that this apparently IS a pony, the fact that this pony survived hurricane-speed travel and a shockwave-creating earthquake, the fact that Luna seems to have the hots for him before the audience even SEES him...
Dash: Don't forget the fact that Scootaloo can apparently fly.
AJ: And the fact that the author thought this was a good idea.
(4 hour's later)
Dash: I don't think you're supposed to do time shifts like that.
The air was thick with smoke as the royal guards surrounded the burning ruins of what some ponies would call a giant metal cocoon, but this was more than a cocoon it had a strange language engraved around the body work,
Fallen: No. Fucking no. If that's Cybertronian, I'm gonna kill something.
AJ: What's that supposed to mean?
Fallen: Nothing to you, but a grave insult to me.
the guard commander told his men to take the cocoon back to the lab and run experiments on it a couple of days went by as the scientists decipher the cocoon and the strange language turned out to be an encrypted message saying
Fallen: "Be sure to drink your Ovaltine."
‘This is your only hope of survival’
"Why does it have a message like that engraved on it?" One of the scientists asked.
Dash: What, they've never had Gary Stus crash-land in front of them before?
"How could a giant lump of junk like this be our only survival?" The guard commander shot back.
( But at 11:35pm things take a weird change )
Fallen: That is easily the single WORST depiction of the passage of time I've seen.
One of the security officers trots into find that the cocoon is shattered into pieces
AJ: "Sorry. Somepony said our orders were to smash it with a hammer."
Fallen: I'm also killing something if it's a Butterfree.
seeing this he goes over to investigate, As he walks down the three sets of stairs, to the lab, suddenly the lights switch off only to be replaced with a dim red light from the generators, as the guard got to the last set of stairs he hears the sound of a pair of wings flair up behind him.
Dash: Guess he grabbed the attention of one of the mares in the Royal Guard.
The officer turns round to see who it was as he points his glowing horn in the direction of where he last heard the sound, at first he sees nothing until he turns around to be greeted by
Dash: Oh no. This is it.
Fallen: Here we go. Our protagonist.
AJ: Y'all say that like this OC's awful. And Fallen, you've seen a lot of 'em, right?
Fallen: Far too many. But this... just look.
a alicorn with soul piercing red draconic eyes and pitch black stripes across his body and his coat an ashen grey with wings that from afar looked metallic but were actually covered by armor that blended well with his wings whose feathers had an a special reflective quality to them rarely seen on an equine his mane was a dark black color with three purple stripes in it while his tail was much the same except the purple branched off into several different directions,
AJ: What- how- but- that ain't natural! Ah can't even call that a pony!
Dash: That's... that's our hero.
AJ: This is like a mashup of everything ya DON'T want yer OC to look like!
Fallen: It's not red and black, thankfully, but the one major cliche it avoids is subverted by all the NEW awfulness it seems to have invented for itself!
The security officer falls to the floor in horror as this strange alicorn slowly comes closer and closer.
Fallen: The officer’s anus was regrettably unprepared.
Dash: Looks like he’s settling on present tense. I’m not used to that, but hey, it works.
Fallen: Just wait. It doesn’t take.
The officer backs away as the alicorn trots toward him until he is backed into a corner unable get anywhere else the officer watch's in fear as the alicorn gets really close, The security officer puts his hooves over his eyes he hears what he thinks his final words he'll ever hear were.
Fallen: “Some people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you... not anymore.”
"What the fuck are you doing?" the alicorn asks a with a confused look on his face.
The officer takes one of his hoofs off his eye's the unknown pony is holding out one of his hoof toward the officer. "Let me introduce myself my name is Raw Havoc what's your's," the alicorn asks.
AJ: His name... is Raw Havoc.
Fallen: Or RawHavoc. Or Rawhavoc. Or just Havoc. It’s clear he can’t decide.
"S-ss-silver glaze," the officer answers back.
Fallen: See? Silver Glaze isn’t a terrible name, though the “-aze” ending is a little overdone. This author does know a LITTLE bit about naming OCs, so why botch his hero so badly?
Rawhavoc looks back at Silver glaze and trys to start a conversation
"hey Silver glaze is it, can you tell where I am by any chance?" he asks hopefully.
"You're in the equestrian mountain military experimental facility," Silver glaze answers after he gets up from the floor.
AJ: So he’s an experiment?
Fallen: Considering he crash-landed there, I doubt it, but they never do explain it.
"Is there anyway out of here by any chance?" Rawhavoc asks.
Silver glaze silently points up at a vent on the roof. Havoc looking up at the vent says "Hmm....it looks wide enough".
Dash: By any chance?
Havoc takes to the sky towards the vent ramming into it with his horn trying to get it off until Silver glaze shouts out to Havoc.
"You can always take of the vent off with magic you know that's what the horn is used for." Silver said trying to keep a straight face.
AJ: An alicorn that can’t do magic. Ah feel like they could do somethin’ with that.
Fallen: He wouldn’t be nearly as much of a Gary Stu if that stuck at all.
“I knew that,” Havoc said looking down at Silver Glaze.
after a bit of struggling
Dash: I somehow don’t buy that.
Havoc finally takes off the vent he then throws it to the ground "See ya later." Havoc said with a small wave he then rocket's through the vent shaft out of the building breaking the sound barrier
Fallen: Are you fucking kidding me? Supersonic- living creatures are not supposed to withstand that!
into his new home of Canterlot.
Fallen: I know these chapters are short, but... I still need to stop. I can only take so much of this in one sitting.
AJ: You and me both. Ah think ah’m losin’ brain cells already.
Dash: Got anything you want to say about the author, Fallen? I’m sure you’d just LOVE tearing him a new one.
Fallen: Actually... no.
AJ: Really? Yer group blacklisted him, ya SAW his story-
Fallen: And he actually apologized for being such an ass about it.
Dash: Wait, what? When was this?
Fallen: Almost the moment we started. And the other guys in the TWE apologized for their own reactionary assness.
AJ: Ah’m pretty sure that ain’t a word.
Fallen: No one cares. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some things to say about this story.
Dash: Clearly.
Fallen: I think what I’m going to do for the purposes of this riff, for the benefit of RawHavoc, is use these breaks to explain things he should keep in mind for his next rewrite.
AJ: “Next?” Are you sayin’ this here was a SECOND draft!?
Fallen: See how much he needs it? Now then, how important do you girls see explanation in a story?
Dash: As much as I LIKE random fits of awesomeness, it’s nice if there’s some kind of context or reason.
AJ: Ah can’t stand when a story tries to make ya buy into somethin’ it doesn’t tell ya anythin’ about.
Fallen: EXACTLY. This is meant to be the first in a series. It’s meant to introduce and establish its lead character. You can add an air of mystery to a character and do it very effectively, but you can’t just give him powers without reason and tell us nothing about them. You can’t promise an explanation in later installments when the first installment is such a frustrating read. It makes the audience not want to go on, and it makes that first story feel incomplete, which only pisses them off more.
Dash: Yeah, but if it’s the first in a series, why not leave it open for the next ones?
Fallen: If it’s not going to be a finished product, why market it as separate stories? It doesn’t matter if it’s part of a larger narrative, it needs to be able to stand on its own as a story. It can’t do that if too much is left unexplained and nothing but the core conflict is resolved. That’s the point of stories having chapters: that’s how they handle concentrated chunks of story. The division makes it a little easier to read. But they’re still the same story, and they’re not being played off as separate.
AJ: Wait, there’s really no reason they give for Havoc at all?
Fallen: None. He’s just THERE, and the audience is supposed to accept that, but without any actual explanation, they just CAN’T. I guess my tip would be... if you’re going to continue telling the tale of Havoc as separate stories, use the first installment to explain and establish Havoc himself, and make it actually feel like its own story.
Dash: Quick question... how many times have people tried to tell him all this before?
Fallen: He’s open to it now, so it bears repeating to a more open mind.
Dash: And you really expect him to listen now.
Fallen: That’s his choice. Though that does seem to be the one he made, so I’ll keep being constructive with my relentless massacre of this story.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Fallen: Actually... no.
AJ: Really? Yer group blacklisted him, ya SAW his story-
Fallen: And he actually apologized for being such an ass about it.
Dash: Wait, what? When was this?
Fallen: Almost the moment we started. And the other guys in the TWE apologized for their own reactionary assness.
AJ: Ah’m pretty sure that ain’t a word.
Fallen: No one cares. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some things to say about this story.
Dash: Clearly.
Fallen: I think what I’m going to do for the purposes of this riff, for the benefit of RawHavoc, is use these breaks to explain things he should keep in mind for his next rewrite.
AJ: “Next?” Are you sayin’ this here was a SECOND draft!?
Fallen: See how much he needs it? Now then, how important do you girls see explanation in a story?
Dash: As much as I LIKE random fits of awesomeness, it’s nice if there’s some kind of context or reason.
AJ: Ah can’t stand when a story tries to make ya buy into somethin’ it doesn’t tell ya anythin’ about.
Fallen: EXACTLY. This is meant to be the first in a series. It’s meant to introduce and establish its lead character. You can add an air of mystery to a character and do it very effectively, but you can’t just give him powers without reason and tell us nothing about them. You can’t promise an explanation in later installments when the first installment is such a frustrating read. It makes the audience not want to go on, and it makes that first story feel incomplete, which only pisses them off more.
Dash: Yeah, but if it’s the first in a series, why not leave it open for the next ones?
Fallen: If it’s not going to be a finished product, why market it as separate stories? It doesn’t matter if it’s part of a larger narrative, it needs to be able to stand on its own as a story. It can’t do that if too much is left unexplained and nothing but the core conflict is resolved. That’s the point of stories having chapters: that’s how they handle concentrated chunks of story. The division makes it a little easier to read. But they’re still the same story, and they’re not being played off as separate.
AJ: Wait, there’s really no reason they give for Havoc at all?
Fallen: None. He’s just THERE, and the audience is supposed to accept that, but without any actual explanation, they just CAN’T. I guess my tip would be... if you’re going to continue telling the tale of Havoc as separate stories, use the first installment to explain and establish Havoc himself, and make it actually feel like its own story.
Dash: Quick question... how many times have people tried to tell him all this before?
Fallen: He’s open to it now, so it bears repeating to a more open mind.
Dash: And you really expect him to listen now.
Fallen: That’s his choice. Though that does seem to be the one he made, so I’ll keep being constructive with my relentless massacre of this story.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
While Havoc, was trying to get the hang of flying with feathered wings, He loses control and crash’s with a stomach churning thud Havoc, fade's into the darkness and then loses conscience.
Fallen: Conscience? Are you seriously trying to go “Three of Me” on me?
(Several hour's later)
Dash: Will you cut that out!?
"What happened where am I what am I?" Havoc yelled when he awoke the next morning, he then takes a good look at his surroundings he's in a strange room the wall's covered in golden decorations,
AJ: He should be at a hospital if he just passed out. And that don’t sound like any hospital ah know of.
Havoc put's his hoof to his head and clenches his eye's shut trying to get rid himself of any dizziness left over from the night before thinking he is still dreaming after a while he open's his eye's again and look's around one more only to be greeted by
Fallen: Slenderman. THE END.
a midnight blue alicorn with a flowing blue mane and tail that seemed to have stars like the night sky she also had beautiful green eyes
Dash: I was hoping Princess Luna would be too good for this story.
Fallen: I hate everything right now.
she also startled making him fall out of bed in his surprise Havoc, "Y-y-y-your a horse .....Wait I’m A HORSE...WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP PLACE IS THIS!?” havoc shouted in surprise.
Fallen: Wait, is this HiE? What the hell was Havoc before he was a pony? YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN, STORY!
"You sir have a terrible swearing problem
AJ: Exactly! Ya don’t hear US usin’ that kinda language! Why should it be in the story?
Dash: We don’t NEED to swear. Fallen covers that for us.
Fallen: Oh, fuck you.
also we are not horses we are pony," The alicorn said with a stern look on her face.
"Ok cool let me introduce my self I am Rawhavoc what's your name."
Fallen: Do you know what a question is? Do you know why they’re called question MARKS?
Dash: That’s easily four different sentences right there.
"I am Princess Luna Havoc I am the princess of the ni...,” Luna started to says but cut off in the middle by Havoc.
"Christ I only wanted to know your name not your entire life history
AJ: WHOA, NELLY!
Dash: Did he seriously just-
Fallen: Yep. Absolutely NO respect for authority. She INTRODUCED herself as a princess, so he should know to be respectful! ESPECIALLY if she’s supposed to be his future love interest!
AJ: No. You can’t be-
Fallen: The story can hardly believe it either, the way they bring it in.
and another thing don’t call me sir its kind of creep's me out,” Havoc said as he rudely interrupting Luna as he spoke.
AJ: “As he rudely interrupting.” What.
Fallen: This really is FelixDawn-grade grammar. Except more swearing.
"You’re a very unpleasant pony aren’t you, but if it wasn’t for me you would be dead right now." Luna said irritated.
Fallen: With any luck, she’ll come to her senses and he’ll STILL be dead.
"I don’t react well to meeting new people or ponies for that matter," Havoc said slightly annoyed.
"Why don’t you like meeting other pony's anyway?" Luna asks curiously.
Dash: He used “ponies” right once and got it wrong RIGHT AFTER!?
Fallen: Those are the worst kinds of mistakes. The ones that anyone could fix right up just by looking over what they wrote. That’s why I always scan my writing before I even FINISH.
Dash: But you don’t have any stories.
Fallen: I do now.
"That's not something that I feel comfortable talking about... well at least until I get to know you better," Havoc said looking distractedly at the sun saying nothing more
AJ: Do they ever explain that?
Fallen: I don’t think so. Such is the fundamental flaw of the plot itself.
they both then drifted into an uncomfortable silence.
"That's my sister's work she raise's the sun and I," Luna said trying to strike up another conversation when she noticed him looking but was again interrupted in the middle.
Dash: That’s not how you do conversations, Havoc! It’s about taking turns talking!
"Wait don’t tell me let me guess you raise the moon,” Havoc said with a smirk on his face knowing the answer already.
Fallen: ASS!
"How did you know that?" Luna asked a surprised look on her face.
"It's kind of obvious your sister raise's the sun and you have I giant mark on your bum with the moon on it, Showing that you raise the moon.......
AJ: More dots don’t make longer pauses.
any other obvious question's you want to ask?" he said with a condescending look as he then got up and started to leave.
Dash: This guy’s BEYOND a jerk!
Fallen: I just imagine Gilda in his place.
Dash: Come on. Was Gilda THAT bad?
"Wait don't you want to meet my sister?" Luna asked Havoc as she followed behind him.
"I don’t think that your sister is going to be comfortable with a strange thing she doesn’t know anything about in the same room with her".
AJ: She never had a problem with Pinkie Pie. And ah don't think anypony knows what goes on in that head of hers.
"That’s ok I will come with you," Luna said trying to keep up with Havoc's pace.
Havoc, stop's walking suddenly making Luna crash into his rear end and asks, "What you want to come with me?" he asks a little confused.
Fallen: "WE DID NOT STUTTER, KNAVE!"
Dash: WHOA, Fallen. Ease up a bit.
"Well yes I want to help you get acquainted with my sister," Luna says as he helps her up.
"Ok in that case yes I will meet your sister," Havoc said with a small smile on his lips.
"That is wonderful," Luna exclaims smiling happily.
Fallen: I don't get why Luna's so excited to introduce this guy to her sister. She knows literally nothing about him, and he spent their entire conversation being an asshole to her.
As Luna gallops happily down the hall like a small filly. Havoc mutters to himself "What have I got my self into?" Havoc, then run's down the hallway to catch up with Luna.
AJ: Please tell me Princess Celestia banishes him on sight.
Dash: Or sends him back to get experimented on.
Fallen: Oh, if only...
BUT WHAT HAVOC, DOESN’T KNOW IS THAT HE HAS BEEN SENT TO THIS DIMENSION FOR A REASON WHAT COULD IT BE!?!?
Fallen: I don’t know, jarringly out-of-place capital letters, because it never explains!
AJ: Ah reckon this the end of the chapter.
Dash: WOW are they short.
Fallen: It means the breaks happen faster, so don't complain.
Fallen: Conscience? Are you seriously trying to go “Three of Me” on me?
(Several hour's later)
Dash: Will you cut that out!?
"What happened where am I what am I?" Havoc yelled when he awoke the next morning, he then takes a good look at his surroundings he's in a strange room the wall's covered in golden decorations,
AJ: He should be at a hospital if he just passed out. And that don’t sound like any hospital ah know of.
Havoc put's his hoof to his head and clenches his eye's shut trying to get rid himself of any dizziness left over from the night before thinking he is still dreaming after a while he open's his eye's again and look's around one more only to be greeted by
Fallen: Slenderman. THE END.
a midnight blue alicorn with a flowing blue mane and tail that seemed to have stars like the night sky she also had beautiful green eyes
Dash: I was hoping Princess Luna would be too good for this story.
Fallen: I hate everything right now.
she also startled making him fall out of bed in his surprise Havoc, "Y-y-y-your a horse .....Wait I’m A HORSE...WHAT KIND OF FUCKED UP PLACE IS THIS!?” havoc shouted in surprise.
Fallen: Wait, is this HiE? What the hell was Havoc before he was a pony? YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN, STORY!
"You sir have a terrible swearing problem
AJ: Exactly! Ya don’t hear US usin’ that kinda language! Why should it be in the story?
Dash: We don’t NEED to swear. Fallen covers that for us.
Fallen: Oh, fuck you.
also we are not horses we are pony," The alicorn said with a stern look on her face.
"Ok cool let me introduce my self I am Rawhavoc what's your name."
Fallen: Do you know what a question is? Do you know why they’re called question MARKS?
Dash: That’s easily four different sentences right there.
"I am Princess Luna Havoc I am the princess of the ni...,” Luna started to says but cut off in the middle by Havoc.
"Christ I only wanted to know your name not your entire life history
AJ: WHOA, NELLY!
Dash: Did he seriously just-
Fallen: Yep. Absolutely NO respect for authority. She INTRODUCED herself as a princess, so he should know to be respectful! ESPECIALLY if she’s supposed to be his future love interest!
AJ: No. You can’t be-
Fallen: The story can hardly believe it either, the way they bring it in.
and another thing don’t call me sir its kind of creep's me out,” Havoc said as he rudely interrupting Luna as he spoke.
AJ: “As he rudely interrupting.” What.
Fallen: This really is FelixDawn-grade grammar. Except more swearing.
"You’re a very unpleasant pony aren’t you, but if it wasn’t for me you would be dead right now." Luna said irritated.
Fallen: With any luck, she’ll come to her senses and he’ll STILL be dead.
"I don’t react well to meeting new people or ponies for that matter," Havoc said slightly annoyed.
"Why don’t you like meeting other pony's anyway?" Luna asks curiously.
Dash: He used “ponies” right once and got it wrong RIGHT AFTER!?
Fallen: Those are the worst kinds of mistakes. The ones that anyone could fix right up just by looking over what they wrote. That’s why I always scan my writing before I even FINISH.
Dash: But you don’t have any stories.
Fallen: I do now.
"That's not something that I feel comfortable talking about... well at least until I get to know you better," Havoc said looking distractedly at the sun saying nothing more
AJ: Do they ever explain that?
Fallen: I don’t think so. Such is the fundamental flaw of the plot itself.
they both then drifted into an uncomfortable silence.
"That's my sister's work she raise's the sun and I," Luna said trying to strike up another conversation when she noticed him looking but was again interrupted in the middle.
Dash: That’s not how you do conversations, Havoc! It’s about taking turns talking!
"Wait don’t tell me let me guess you raise the moon,” Havoc said with a smirk on his face knowing the answer already.
Fallen: ASS!
"How did you know that?" Luna asked a surprised look on her face.
"It's kind of obvious your sister raise's the sun and you have I giant mark on your bum with the moon on it, Showing that you raise the moon.......
AJ: More dots don’t make longer pauses.
any other obvious question's you want to ask?" he said with a condescending look as he then got up and started to leave.
Dash: This guy’s BEYOND a jerk!
Fallen: I just imagine Gilda in his place.
Dash: Come on. Was Gilda THAT bad?
"Wait don't you want to meet my sister?" Luna asked Havoc as she followed behind him.
"I don’t think that your sister is going to be comfortable with a strange thing she doesn’t know anything about in the same room with her".
AJ: She never had a problem with Pinkie Pie. And ah don't think anypony knows what goes on in that head of hers.
"That’s ok I will come with you," Luna said trying to keep up with Havoc's pace.
Havoc, stop's walking suddenly making Luna crash into his rear end and asks, "What you want to come with me?" he asks a little confused.
Fallen: "WE DID NOT STUTTER, KNAVE!"
Dash: WHOA, Fallen. Ease up a bit.
"Well yes I want to help you get acquainted with my sister," Luna says as he helps her up.
"Ok in that case yes I will meet your sister," Havoc said with a small smile on his lips.
"That is wonderful," Luna exclaims smiling happily.
Fallen: I don't get why Luna's so excited to introduce this guy to her sister. She knows literally nothing about him, and he spent their entire conversation being an asshole to her.
As Luna gallops happily down the hall like a small filly. Havoc mutters to himself "What have I got my self into?" Havoc, then run's down the hallway to catch up with Luna.
AJ: Please tell me Princess Celestia banishes him on sight.
Dash: Or sends him back to get experimented on.
Fallen: Oh, if only...
BUT WHAT HAVOC, DOESN’T KNOW IS THAT HE HAS BEEN SENT TO THIS DIMENSION FOR A REASON WHAT COULD IT BE!?!?
Fallen: I don’t know, jarringly out-of-place capital letters, because it never explains!
AJ: Ah reckon this the end of the chapter.
Dash: WOW are they short.
Fallen: It means the breaks happen faster, so don't complain.
Fallen: Okay, I think I already see another glaring issue that RawHavoc could learn to improve upon. And it's actually one of my specialties, so you two may want to sit tight for a while.
AJ: What issue is this now?
Fallen: Character interaction.
Dash: Yeah, right. You're kind of a jerk.
Fallen: True, but I'm really like this, more or less. And I know what you and your friends are all like, and how you all interact with and relate to each other. I also know how you'd interact with and relate to someone like me, so the people who end up seeing these riffs feel like they're looking at a conversation between myself and all of you. Why else do you think I usually sit back and let you comfort each other instead of trying to do it myself? I'm not nearly close enough to you guys to provide actual moral support.
Dash: Can you say that again in a language I can understand?
Fallen: My basic point is that a character needs to behave and interact a certain way around other characters, one that suits the character's personality. Here, though, there's little personality to be seen from Havoc beyond irredeemable jackass. It LOOKS like it's meant to be the clever and quirky type of jackassery, but all I want to do is suffocate this prick in his sleep. He has no right to treat one of the rulers of Equestria like this.
AJ: Alright, but that's still just his own OC.
Fallen: Oh, he fucks up Luna just as badly. She SHOULD be offended by the way Havoc speaks to her with such blatant disrespect, but NO. Instead, she's excited about the handsome slab of meat in front of her and, I guess under the assumption that they're now dating, runs off to introduce him to Celestia. Even though the PROPER response would either be to banish his ass or, again, suffocate him in his sleep.
Dash: That's actually a good point. I don't think she'd stand for that!
Fallen: Exactly. If you’re going to write character interactions, you need to know how characters are supposed to interact. You need to establish what your lead OC is supposed to act like, get a better feeling of Luna’s own character, and use those as a basis to write their interpersonal encounters. As it stands, I think it would improve the story if Havoc and Luna were actually off to a really rocky start because of his abrasive nature.
Dash: I still can’t believe you’re serious about helping this guy. This was his second version of the story! How could a third get any better?
AJ: That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Rainbow. If the author wants to get better, ah think he really can.
Fallen: That’s the spirit!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
AJ: What issue is this now?
Fallen: Character interaction.
Dash: Yeah, right. You're kind of a jerk.
Fallen: True, but I'm really like this, more or less. And I know what you and your friends are all like, and how you all interact with and relate to each other. I also know how you'd interact with and relate to someone like me, so the people who end up seeing these riffs feel like they're looking at a conversation between myself and all of you. Why else do you think I usually sit back and let you comfort each other instead of trying to do it myself? I'm not nearly close enough to you guys to provide actual moral support.
Dash: Can you say that again in a language I can understand?
Fallen: My basic point is that a character needs to behave and interact a certain way around other characters, one that suits the character's personality. Here, though, there's little personality to be seen from Havoc beyond irredeemable jackass. It LOOKS like it's meant to be the clever and quirky type of jackassery, but all I want to do is suffocate this prick in his sleep. He has no right to treat one of the rulers of Equestria like this.
AJ: Alright, but that's still just his own OC.
Fallen: Oh, he fucks up Luna just as badly. She SHOULD be offended by the way Havoc speaks to her with such blatant disrespect, but NO. Instead, she's excited about the handsome slab of meat in front of her and, I guess under the assumption that they're now dating, runs off to introduce him to Celestia. Even though the PROPER response would either be to banish his ass or, again, suffocate him in his sleep.
Dash: That's actually a good point. I don't think she'd stand for that!
Fallen: Exactly. If you’re going to write character interactions, you need to know how characters are supposed to interact. You need to establish what your lead OC is supposed to act like, get a better feeling of Luna’s own character, and use those as a basis to write their interpersonal encounters. As it stands, I think it would improve the story if Havoc and Luna were actually off to a really rocky start because of his abrasive nature.
Dash: I still can’t believe you’re serious about helping this guy. This was his second version of the story! How could a third get any better?
AJ: That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’, Rainbow. If the author wants to get better, ah think he really can.
Fallen: That’s the spirit!
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
As Havoc, catched up with Luna he relised something rather odd.
Fallen: She somehow BRAIDED her ethereal mane! All the physics that spat in the face of...
He's never been able to run this fast for this long before. Havoc, look's down and looking at his reflection on the squeaky clean floor and say's. "Oooh mother of god I look ugly ..... But intimidating!!".
AJ: Handsome slab of meat, huh, Fallen?
Fallen: It was a joke, Applejack... but hey, at least RawHavoc knew not to make him the most physically attractive stallion in the land.
He look's back up greeted by a white alicorn with picture of the sun on her rear leg's and a floating mane with the colour's of the sun.
Dash: Tell me he doesn’t actually think there’s green and blue in the sun.
"Hello I am Princess Celestia what's your name?".
Fallen: Can I just grammar Nazi this for a second? There shouldn’t be a period at the end if there’s already a question mark, there should be AT LEAST a comma after “Hello,” and her stating her name should be the end of a sentence.
Havoc, look's up at Celestia. "Well is'ent the gentleman supposed to introduce him self first before the lady ...... But anyway I am RawHavoc".
Dash: “Such a violent name! A pony like you has no place in this peaceful kingdom.”
Fallen: That’s not a bad impression.
Dash: Yeah, I guess it isn’t.
Celestia look's down at Havoc, and reply's. "Well your very well mannered are'nt you
AJ: No he ain’t. At all.
.... your name in canterlot is Prince Havoc,".
Dash: Oh, she did NOT!
AJ: Ah thought it was supposed to be a family thing! Cadance is her niece, Blueblood is her nephew...
Havoc, look's up at Celestia in surprise. "W-ww-what ..... I...I-IIM A PRINCE!".
Celestia look's at Havoc, with a grin as Havoc, was jumping around the hallway like a wee school colt with joy Havoc, exclaim's. "Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!".
Fallen: Why is he so excited? He has no idea how Equestrian government works! For all he knows, he could just be a jackass with a fancy title!
Celestia interup's Havoc's, joyful jumping. "Since your staying in Canterlot you will share Luna's room".
Havoc, stop's in midair. "WHAT!".
Dash: Your castle is huge, Princess. You HAVE to have a spare room somewhere.
Fallen: I can’t believe she ships this...
Celestia looking at Havoc, say's "You will share Luna's room".
Havoc, reply's. "Why?".
Fallen: “Because I said so. If you need more reason than that, bite me.”
Luna walk's up to Havoc, and say's "Because it was my request that you sleep in my room in my bed".
AJ: Sharin’ a bed too!? Don’t tell me they-
Fallen: I don’t remember, but god, I hope not.
Havoc, turn's round and mutter's "I guess that will work". Havoc then walks away.
"He was'ent
Fallen: OUCH.
glad when he heard he had to sleep with me". Luna said with a tear in her eye.
AJ: Is this one of them Gary Stu things?
Fallen: A canon character, let alone a princess, falling instantly in love with the OC? Absolutely.
Celestia showing her sister some sympathy. "He will warm up to you soon... It's just a matter of time before he does".
Luna look's up at her sister. "You're right sis,".
Dash: “I hope you’re wrong, but I know you’re right.”
Celestia reply's. "Now you can get on with your royal duty or go find Havoc,". Luna goes into her room to continue on with her work.
Fallen: Break time. I have my next point ready.
Dash: Wait, that was the WHOLE CHAPTER!?
Fallen: That’s my exact point.
Fallen: She somehow BRAIDED her ethereal mane! All the physics that spat in the face of...
He's never been able to run this fast for this long before. Havoc, look's down and looking at his reflection on the squeaky clean floor and say's. "Oooh mother of god I look ugly ..... But intimidating!!".
AJ: Handsome slab of meat, huh, Fallen?
Fallen: It was a joke, Applejack... but hey, at least RawHavoc knew not to make him the most physically attractive stallion in the land.
He look's back up greeted by a white alicorn with picture of the sun on her rear leg's and a floating mane with the colour's of the sun.
Dash: Tell me he doesn’t actually think there’s green and blue in the sun.
"Hello I am Princess Celestia what's your name?".
Fallen: Can I just grammar Nazi this for a second? There shouldn’t be a period at the end if there’s already a question mark, there should be AT LEAST a comma after “Hello,” and her stating her name should be the end of a sentence.
Havoc, look's up at Celestia. "Well is'ent the gentleman supposed to introduce him self first before the lady ...... But anyway I am RawHavoc".
Dash: “Such a violent name! A pony like you has no place in this peaceful kingdom.”
Fallen: That’s not a bad impression.
Dash: Yeah, I guess it isn’t.
Celestia look's down at Havoc, and reply's. "Well your very well mannered are'nt you
AJ: No he ain’t. At all.
.... your name in canterlot is Prince Havoc,".
Dash: Oh, she did NOT!
AJ: Ah thought it was supposed to be a family thing! Cadance is her niece, Blueblood is her nephew...
Havoc, look's up at Celestia in surprise. "W-ww-what ..... I...I-IIM A PRINCE!".
Celestia look's at Havoc, with a grin as Havoc, was jumping around the hallway like a wee school colt with joy Havoc, exclaim's. "Thank you! Thank you!! Thank you!!!".
Fallen: Why is he so excited? He has no idea how Equestrian government works! For all he knows, he could just be a jackass with a fancy title!
Celestia interup's Havoc's, joyful jumping. "Since your staying in Canterlot you will share Luna's room".
Havoc, stop's in midair. "WHAT!".
Dash: Your castle is huge, Princess. You HAVE to have a spare room somewhere.
Fallen: I can’t believe she ships this...
Celestia looking at Havoc, say's "You will share Luna's room".
Havoc, reply's. "Why?".
Fallen: “Because I said so. If you need more reason than that, bite me.”
Luna walk's up to Havoc, and say's "Because it was my request that you sleep in my room in my bed".
AJ: Sharin’ a bed too!? Don’t tell me they-
Fallen: I don’t remember, but god, I hope not.
Havoc, turn's round and mutter's "I guess that will work". Havoc then walks away.
"He was'ent
Fallen: OUCH.
glad when he heard he had to sleep with me". Luna said with a tear in her eye.
AJ: Is this one of them Gary Stu things?
Fallen: A canon character, let alone a princess, falling instantly in love with the OC? Absolutely.
Celestia showing her sister some sympathy. "He will warm up to you soon... It's just a matter of time before he does".
Luna look's up at her sister. "You're right sis,".
Dash: “I hope you’re wrong, but I know you’re right.”
Celestia reply's. "Now you can get on with your royal duty or go find Havoc,". Luna goes into her room to continue on with her work.
Fallen: Break time. I have my next point ready.
Dash: Wait, that was the WHOLE CHAPTER!?
Fallen: That’s my exact point.
Fallen: I think the almost nonexistent length of the chapter here should make the point I want to make here obvious.
Dash: Don’t be lazy and write longer chapters?
Fallen: ...okay, that’s part of it, but not the MAIN point.
AJ: Slow down and don’t rush the scenes?
Fallen: Exactly! How are you the one getting all this shit right, AJ? I thought Rainbow knew her way around books by now.
Dash: I just know what I like. It’s hard to say why I like it.
Fallen: Okay, I respect that. Happens to me sometimes too. But yes, the major issue here, illustrated by a chapter barely longer than 300 words, is pacing. It’s a problem I’ve seen in stories of all qualities, and it’s a difficult thing to really master.
AJ: Doesn’t mean it ain’t obvious when it’s way out there.
Fallen: THANK you. Sometimes there are scenes in stories, or in any medium, that drag on for far longer than they should, and everything slows to a crawl. Jokes that run long enough to stop being funny, conversations that last for eternities on end, action scenes that go on and on and stop being thrilling... you get the idea.
Dash: And there’s such a thing as too FAST-paced?
Fallen: Oh GOD is there such a thing. Jokes can be executed without the proper buildup, conversations can be condensed to SECONDS when they need minutes to explain anything, and thrilling scenes can be cut short just as abruptly as they start. And this story is guilty of that mortal sin of having too fast a pace.
AJ: Ah hear ya. Ah think the princess would have a lot more questions about the fact that there’s apparently a new alicorn she didn’t know about and that her sister suddenly loves him, but she just let the guy live at the castle!
Fallen: Not just that. The introduction scene and the meeting with Luna go by far too quickly for Havoc to genuinely establish his character. I can’t stress enough how important it is to flesh out the character, and in order to do that, you really have to flesh out certain scenes to get the most out of that character and the story.
Dash: It just hit me. Me and AJ... we’re really not the ones you want to talk to about the ins and outs of storytelling.
AJ: Ya sure? Ah’m doin’ just fine right now.
Fallen: I didn’t expect to be sitting here giving lectures on it because I didn’t expect this turnaround from the author, and considering you two are still here, I don’t think Pinkie did either. Otherwise, I think she’d have sent Twilight. Not that it matters now anyway; we started this, and for better or worse, we’re finishing it.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
Dash: Don’t be lazy and write longer chapters?
Fallen: ...okay, that’s part of it, but not the MAIN point.
AJ: Slow down and don’t rush the scenes?
Fallen: Exactly! How are you the one getting all this shit right, AJ? I thought Rainbow knew her way around books by now.
Dash: I just know what I like. It’s hard to say why I like it.
Fallen: Okay, I respect that. Happens to me sometimes too. But yes, the major issue here, illustrated by a chapter barely longer than 300 words, is pacing. It’s a problem I’ve seen in stories of all qualities, and it’s a difficult thing to really master.
AJ: Doesn’t mean it ain’t obvious when it’s way out there.
Fallen: THANK you. Sometimes there are scenes in stories, or in any medium, that drag on for far longer than they should, and everything slows to a crawl. Jokes that run long enough to stop being funny, conversations that last for eternities on end, action scenes that go on and on and stop being thrilling... you get the idea.
Dash: And there’s such a thing as too FAST-paced?
Fallen: Oh GOD is there such a thing. Jokes can be executed without the proper buildup, conversations can be condensed to SECONDS when they need minutes to explain anything, and thrilling scenes can be cut short just as abruptly as they start. And this story is guilty of that mortal sin of having too fast a pace.
AJ: Ah hear ya. Ah think the princess would have a lot more questions about the fact that there’s apparently a new alicorn she didn’t know about and that her sister suddenly loves him, but she just let the guy live at the castle!
Fallen: Not just that. The introduction scene and the meeting with Luna go by far too quickly for Havoc to genuinely establish his character. I can’t stress enough how important it is to flesh out the character, and in order to do that, you really have to flesh out certain scenes to get the most out of that character and the story.
Dash: It just hit me. Me and AJ... we’re really not the ones you want to talk to about the ins and outs of storytelling.
AJ: Ya sure? Ah’m doin’ just fine right now.
Fallen: I didn’t expect to be sitting here giving lectures on it because I didn’t expect this turnaround from the author, and considering you two are still here, I don’t think Pinkie did either. Otherwise, I think she’d have sent Twilight. Not that it matters now anyway; we started this, and for better or worse, we’re finishing it.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
13 minutes have past
AJ: Kinda weirdly specific.
and Luna is settling down to do her royal duty when a ear piercing thunder roar came out of nowhere.
Fallen: Will you PICK A GODDAMN TENSE!?
Dash: Why haven’t you done a grammar thing yet?
Fallen: Because grammar’s the EASY thing to fix!
Luna ran to her balcony only to see a giant metal flying machine roaring past her side of the of the castle. vibrating and moving furniture and rocking lights back and forth.
Dash: Wait, WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh god... he’s a fucking jet, isn’t he.
Celestia run's into Luna's room shouting "are you alright Luna?". seeing Luna on her balcony looking into the air Celestia stand's next to Luna "What are you looking at Luna?". Luna look's back at her sister and reply's. "You've just missed the most awsome flying machine we will ever see".
Fallen: And multiple speakers in one paragraph. He was doing fine with that before, but now I think he just rushed the rest of this out.
Since it has been three day's since the massive hurricane hit.
AJ: Ah forgot completely about the hurricane. He only gave it a sentence in the first chapter, so why’s it back now?
Ponyville have recovered and built their home's. ponyville's construction worker's are packing up.
The hole of ponyville hear a thundery roar in the sky. Everypony gavered in the street's
Dash: Oh, now he just stopped caring.
AJ: Ah didn’t know he cared in the first place.
to see were the thunder is coming from. They see nothing in the sky.
(3 minutes later)
Dash: STOP THAT!
Rainbow Dash turn's around to go back home she look's up one more time. And she notice's a black dot in the sky getting bigger and bigger. But she notice's that it's not getting bigger but it's getting closer.
AJ: Ah think somepony would be able to tell the difference pretty fast.
Fallen: If their depth perception works at all, yeah.
And it's really close to the ground and it's coming in really really fast.
And before Rainbow Dash could say anything the flying machine past over the town's street's. Breaking the sound barrier
Fallen: That’s believable given the fact that it’s a jet, but since it’s SUPPOSED TO BE A PONY, I call bullshit.
bursting out a thundery ear piercing roar that rock'ed the ground and smashing every window in ponyville.
AJ: Must have somethin’ against windows.
Fallen: Maybe his big secret is that a window murdered his family.
Rainbow Dash looked up and relized that she was'nt the fast'est flyer in ponyville anymore.
Fallen: Gary Stu moment. I think that’s literally the only reason he’s a jet. Well, that and the fact that fighter jets have fucking GUNS on them.
but When she relized it was heading toward the beach. Rainbow Dash and the over pegasi took to the air after the flying machine. But the over unicorn's and earth pony's left behind looked at the construction pony's. So yet again the construction pony's had to repair ponyville yet again.
Fallen: I imagine it must be like Tokyo. Builds itself back up in time for the monsters to come in and tear it all down again.
The chasing pegasi caught up with the flying machine they examened it. One of the pegasi examinated the behind of the flying machine only to be blasted with extream heat.
AJ: Did he just shoot him!?
Dash: Why would he do that!? All he was doing was checking out the jet thing!
The pegasus fall's out the the sky and crash'es into a tree near the home of the apple famliy.
AJ: Don’t bring me into all this!
A black pegasus with a mane of two shade's of green and cutie mark in the shape of a infinty mark notice's the falling pegasus. He run's over to the fallen pegasus and help's him on to his feet while he was helping the fallen pegasus.
Fallen: What the hell is even happening!? Who are these ponies!?
The black pegasus hear's a thundery echo in the sky he look's up he see's thousend's of pegasi flying in the same direction. The black pegasis join's a large group of pegasi to find what's happening.
AJ: “Find what’s happenin’?”
Fallen: I don’t care anymore. The less the grammar lets me understand, the better.
The black pegasi asked a grey pegasus"What is it we're are after?".
the grey pony reply's. "We are after a unidentified flying object".
And before the black pegasis could reply.
AJ: The sentence just... stops.
Fallen: I really think he rushed this chapter out. It’s SO MUCH WORSE than anything before it.
Several explosion's cracked in the sky. The pegasi scatered as the machine was ripping through the sky with deafening thundery roar's. And firing fast flaming projectiles that exploded on impact with solid object's.
Dash: ...do bullets do that?
Fallen: Most don’t. I think he’s firing MISSILES at them.
Dash: Isn’t that overkill!?
Many of the fleeing pegasi hide behind dark grey cloud's.
The black pegasus hide's too and ask's. "What happened?".
Fallen: “I don’t know! Everything’s happening too quickly for anyone to figure it out!”
One of the pegasi reply."Silver Bolt attacked the unidentified flying object. It attack us and then the object took Silver Bolt".
Fallen: Crap. The Aerialbots are down a leader.
All of a sudden there was a silence in the sky and then a stomach churning bone snap next to the black pegasus. He look's to his left one of the pegasi say's "Ooooh dear Celestia that's discusting".
Dash: “Seriously, man, get a room!”
Silver Blot's body was a mangled lump of flesh. His body had his wing's torn off and no head on his shoulders blood pouring from his neck.
Fallen: THEY DID NOTHING TO HIM! WHY IS HE KILLING THEM ALL!?
Dash: Did the author address that at all?
Fallen: He said this was supposed to be a self-defense thing.
AJ: That’s a load of horseapples!
A pegasi shout's out. "IN COMING!!!!!!!" .
Followed by a thundery roar. Explosion's broke in the sky.
Dash: Ugh. Looks like it’s my turn to fix the explosions again...
Dead and mangled pegasi body's fall from the sky hitting the ground with thid's and snap's.
AJ: There’s no reason to be doin’ somethin’ this awful to somepony who just wanted to see what ya were!
The black pegasus notice's the unidentified flying object coming toward him the black pegasi try's to take it off balance with his wind ability.
THAT WAS A FATAL MISTAKE
Fallen: For the love of- you don’t need to capitalize everything in the sentence to emphasize it! It having a paragraph of its own should be powerful enough in and of itself!
the main body of this machine is forced up tilting the flying machine into a 90 degree angle.
The main body of the machine hitting the black pegasi full pelt. Causing them both to have no control of their flight. Both the pegasi and the machine plumet to the ground.
Fallen: You mass-murdering FUCK!
Dash: Sounds like the cue for a break.
AJ: Ah think he needs it.
AJ: Kinda weirdly specific.
and Luna is settling down to do her royal duty when a ear piercing thunder roar came out of nowhere.
Fallen: Will you PICK A GODDAMN TENSE!?
Dash: Why haven’t you done a grammar thing yet?
Fallen: Because grammar’s the EASY thing to fix!
Luna ran to her balcony only to see a giant metal flying machine roaring past her side of the of the castle. vibrating and moving furniture and rocking lights back and forth.
Dash: Wait, WHAT!?
Fallen: Oh god... he’s a fucking jet, isn’t he.
Celestia run's into Luna's room shouting "are you alright Luna?". seeing Luna on her balcony looking into the air Celestia stand's next to Luna "What are you looking at Luna?". Luna look's back at her sister and reply's. "You've just missed the most awsome flying machine we will ever see".
Fallen: And multiple speakers in one paragraph. He was doing fine with that before, but now I think he just rushed the rest of this out.
Since it has been three day's since the massive hurricane hit.
AJ: Ah forgot completely about the hurricane. He only gave it a sentence in the first chapter, so why’s it back now?
Ponyville have recovered and built their home's. ponyville's construction worker's are packing up.
The hole of ponyville hear a thundery roar in the sky. Everypony gavered in the street's
Dash: Oh, now he just stopped caring.
AJ: Ah didn’t know he cared in the first place.
to see were the thunder is coming from. They see nothing in the sky.
(3 minutes later)
Dash: STOP THAT!
Rainbow Dash turn's around to go back home she look's up one more time. And she notice's a black dot in the sky getting bigger and bigger. But she notice's that it's not getting bigger but it's getting closer.
AJ: Ah think somepony would be able to tell the difference pretty fast.
Fallen: If their depth perception works at all, yeah.
And it's really close to the ground and it's coming in really really fast.
And before Rainbow Dash could say anything the flying machine past over the town's street's. Breaking the sound barrier
Fallen: That’s believable given the fact that it’s a jet, but since it’s SUPPOSED TO BE A PONY, I call bullshit.
bursting out a thundery ear piercing roar that rock'ed the ground and smashing every window in ponyville.
AJ: Must have somethin’ against windows.
Fallen: Maybe his big secret is that a window murdered his family.
Rainbow Dash looked up and relized that she was'nt the fast'est flyer in ponyville anymore.
Fallen: Gary Stu moment. I think that’s literally the only reason he’s a jet. Well, that and the fact that fighter jets have fucking GUNS on them.
but When she relized it was heading toward the beach. Rainbow Dash and the over pegasi took to the air after the flying machine. But the over unicorn's and earth pony's left behind looked at the construction pony's. So yet again the construction pony's had to repair ponyville yet again.
Fallen: I imagine it must be like Tokyo. Builds itself back up in time for the monsters to come in and tear it all down again.
The chasing pegasi caught up with the flying machine they examened it. One of the pegasi examinated the behind of the flying machine only to be blasted with extream heat.
AJ: Did he just shoot him!?
Dash: Why would he do that!? All he was doing was checking out the jet thing!
The pegasus fall's out the the sky and crash'es into a tree near the home of the apple famliy.
AJ: Don’t bring me into all this!
A black pegasus with a mane of two shade's of green and cutie mark in the shape of a infinty mark notice's the falling pegasus. He run's over to the fallen pegasus and help's him on to his feet while he was helping the fallen pegasus.
Fallen: What the hell is even happening!? Who are these ponies!?
The black pegasus hear's a thundery echo in the sky he look's up he see's thousend's of pegasi flying in the same direction. The black pegasis join's a large group of pegasi to find what's happening.
AJ: “Find what’s happenin’?”
Fallen: I don’t care anymore. The less the grammar lets me understand, the better.
The black pegasi asked a grey pegasus"What is it we're are after?".
the grey pony reply's. "We are after a unidentified flying object".
And before the black pegasis could reply.
AJ: The sentence just... stops.
Fallen: I really think he rushed this chapter out. It’s SO MUCH WORSE than anything before it.
Several explosion's cracked in the sky. The pegasi scatered as the machine was ripping through the sky with deafening thundery roar's. And firing fast flaming projectiles that exploded on impact with solid object's.
Dash: ...do bullets do that?
Fallen: Most don’t. I think he’s firing MISSILES at them.
Dash: Isn’t that overkill!?
Many of the fleeing pegasi hide behind dark grey cloud's.
The black pegasus hide's too and ask's. "What happened?".
Fallen: “I don’t know! Everything’s happening too quickly for anyone to figure it out!”
One of the pegasi reply."Silver Bolt attacked the unidentified flying object. It attack us and then the object took Silver Bolt".
Fallen: Crap. The Aerialbots are down a leader.
All of a sudden there was a silence in the sky and then a stomach churning bone snap next to the black pegasus. He look's to his left one of the pegasi say's "Ooooh dear Celestia that's discusting".
Dash: “Seriously, man, get a room!”
Silver Blot's body was a mangled lump of flesh. His body had his wing's torn off and no head on his shoulders blood pouring from his neck.
Fallen: THEY DID NOTHING TO HIM! WHY IS HE KILLING THEM ALL!?
Dash: Did the author address that at all?
Fallen: He said this was supposed to be a self-defense thing.
AJ: That’s a load of horseapples!
A pegasi shout's out. "IN COMING!!!!!!!" .
Followed by a thundery roar. Explosion's broke in the sky.
Dash: Ugh. Looks like it’s my turn to fix the explosions again...
Dead and mangled pegasi body's fall from the sky hitting the ground with thid's and snap's.
AJ: There’s no reason to be doin’ somethin’ this awful to somepony who just wanted to see what ya were!
The black pegasus notice's the unidentified flying object coming toward him the black pegasi try's to take it off balance with his wind ability.
THAT WAS A FATAL MISTAKE
Fallen: For the love of- you don’t need to capitalize everything in the sentence to emphasize it! It having a paragraph of its own should be powerful enough in and of itself!
the main body of this machine is forced up tilting the flying machine into a 90 degree angle.
The main body of the machine hitting the black pegasi full pelt. Causing them both to have no control of their flight. Both the pegasi and the machine plumet to the ground.
Fallen: You mass-murdering FUCK!
Dash: Sounds like the cue for a break.
AJ: Ah think he needs it.
Fallen: Okay. I think I know what we’re talking about this time.
AJ: Not killin’ ponies?
Fallen: It’s related. Motivation for actions.
Dash: Like, why he’s doing everything he’s doing?
Fallen: Exactly. For example-
Dash: Why not the fact that he’s the biggest Gary Stu I’ve ever seen in a story?
Fallen: ...I think we’ve made that perfectly clear already. Anyway, a good example for character motivation. Applejack, why do you harvest apples?
AJ: Lots of reasons, actually. It’s how ah make money, it brings the whole family closer ‘cuz we do it together, ah just love apples anyway...
Fallen: And Rainbow Dash, your need for speed. What’s with that?
Dash: Easy. I love flying, I love racing and winning, it’s the best way for me to show my stuff for the Wonderbolts...
Fallen: My point exactly. And I’m sure there are so many other reasons too. You have end goals in mind, a reason for doing what you do. Now, why is Havoc here shooting down pegasi and slaughtering them?
Dash: …
AJ: …
Fallen: That’s what I thought. We didn’t even get much more than 2,000 words with this guy prior to this chapter. We don’t know what his goals are, we don’t know what he wants. As far as the general reading public is concerned, he’s just mowing down innocent ponies because they looked at him.
AJ: ‘Cuz that’s exactly what it looks like he’s doin’ it for!
Fallen: And that’s a retarded reason. I put the blame squarely on the fact that the author knew what he wanted his character to do, but never thought it important to justify why he was doing it. Trying to run his story on the Rule of Cool, which states that certain things may be forgiven if they’re sufficiently awesome.
Dash: I like that rule. But there’s NO way it counts for anything here.
Fallen: Thank you. This kind of thing is extraordinarily difficult to manufacture, and just having your character turn into a jet and kill things dead because you think it’s such an awesome thing to do is a REALLY bad idea. Impossibility of the jet thing aside, you need to give some reason behind a character’s actions, something to aim for and achieve by performing them. Havoc accomplishes precisely two things with this: jack and shit. And Jack left town.
Dash: Never say that again.
Fallen: Shut up, it was in Army of Darkness. Now THERE’S Rule of Cool done right!
AJ: Are ya gonna make us watch that?
Fallen: Not MAKE you, but if you wanted to-
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
AJ: Not killin’ ponies?
Fallen: It’s related. Motivation for actions.
Dash: Like, why he’s doing everything he’s doing?
Fallen: Exactly. For example-
Dash: Why not the fact that he’s the biggest Gary Stu I’ve ever seen in a story?
Fallen: ...I think we’ve made that perfectly clear already. Anyway, a good example for character motivation. Applejack, why do you harvest apples?
AJ: Lots of reasons, actually. It’s how ah make money, it brings the whole family closer ‘cuz we do it together, ah just love apples anyway...
Fallen: And Rainbow Dash, your need for speed. What’s with that?
Dash: Easy. I love flying, I love racing and winning, it’s the best way for me to show my stuff for the Wonderbolts...
Fallen: My point exactly. And I’m sure there are so many other reasons too. You have end goals in mind, a reason for doing what you do. Now, why is Havoc here shooting down pegasi and slaughtering them?
Dash: …
AJ: …
Fallen: That’s what I thought. We didn’t even get much more than 2,000 words with this guy prior to this chapter. We don’t know what his goals are, we don’t know what he wants. As far as the general reading public is concerned, he’s just mowing down innocent ponies because they looked at him.
AJ: ‘Cuz that’s exactly what it looks like he’s doin’ it for!
Fallen: And that’s a retarded reason. I put the blame squarely on the fact that the author knew what he wanted his character to do, but never thought it important to justify why he was doing it. Trying to run his story on the Rule of Cool, which states that certain things may be forgiven if they’re sufficiently awesome.
Dash: I like that rule. But there’s NO way it counts for anything here.
Fallen: Thank you. This kind of thing is extraordinarily difficult to manufacture, and just having your character turn into a jet and kill things dead because you think it’s such an awesome thing to do is a REALLY bad idea. Impossibility of the jet thing aside, you need to give some reason behind a character’s actions, something to aim for and achieve by performing them. Havoc accomplishes precisely two things with this: jack and shit. And Jack left town.
Dash: Never say that again.
Fallen: Shut up, it was in Army of Darkness. Now THERE’S Rule of Cool done right!
AJ: Are ya gonna make us watch that?
Fallen: Not MAKE you, but if you wanted to-
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
As the black pegasi was about to hit the ground he was still conscious. He notice's the machine is going to land on him is he don't make a move now.
Dash: WHY LAND ON HIM!?
AJ: How much longer are we gonna be here?
Fallen: Just brace yourself. These next chapters are all OVER 1,000 words long.
AJ and Dash: (groan)
Fallen: You’ll live. Hopefully.
The black pegasis hit's the ground and he roll's over so he don't get crushed by the machine when it hit's the ground.
The black pegasis see's the machine hit the ground part's of the machine get ripped off as it roll's over and over hitting a tree.
Fallen: ...is it dead? Is it de- am I dead? Let me check my pulse... yep. This story killed me.
Followed by a dust cloud thick with dirt and rubble off tree's and even part's of shrapnel off the machine itself. The black pegasi's vision start's to fade and then get's lost to the darkness.
AJ: Finally saw how bad the story was and couldn’t take it anymore, ah reckon.
(3 hour later)
The black pegasis gain's conscience he look's up in a daze struggling to his hoove's. He look's at his wing's and look's back in relef that his wing's are'nt broken.
Dash: All in favor of fixing that?
AJ: Aye.
Fallen: Aye.
Dash: The aye’s have it!
He look's around he's in a clearing notice's something rather odd.
Fallen: He didn’t put those in his bag...
The pieces of shrapnel from that machine are gone. He look's around some he is in a clearing in the center of the Everfree forest he look's left.
Dash: Straight into the eyes of a cockatrice!
He find's something on the ground. It look's like a photo of a family he pick's it up and put's it in one of his pocket's on his vest.
AJ: He ain’t gonna live through the story, is he.
Fallen: Hopefully not. Having a picture of your family on you is basically a death wish.
He hear's some rustling in the bush behind him. He turn's around to see who it was. He notice's a alicorn with black marking's a black mane with 2 high lite's of purple and deep red demonic eye's With armour on each wing and a horn glowing purple.
Fallen: So now he’s a pony again. Did he just... absorb all the shrapnel and metal bits that broke off of him?
But then he looked into the alicorn's eye's and he looked really angry.
And it did'ent take long for the black pegasus to relise that the glow on the alicorn's horn was black magic.
Dash: Except, you know, it was purple.
Fallen: IS there black magic? And does it look any different from regular magic when cast?
The black pegasis relised he was in grave danger he tried to get out. But the alicorn repeated to pull the black pegasis to ground.
Dash: IT’S “PEGASUS” WITH A U!
And the black pegasis know's that now the only way escape this guy was to fight a alicorn he does'nt even know. The black pegasis rammed the alicorn in to a tree the black pegasis say's "Wow ive never taken on anyone this easy before".
Fallen: So this black pegasus is the picture-perfect prison bitch.
AJ: Ah doubt this is the weakest guy Havoc’s fought. Ah bet he went around towns beatin’ on little fillies.
The alicorn had his wing's over his body and push'es them out generating a shockwave made of air.
Fallen: How about NO.
And pushing the black pegasis back into a tree with a thud.
The black pegasis hit's the tree really hard. The black pegasus open's his eye's only to see this alicorn running full speed. The black pegasus move's out the way. And then a hugh sound of a crack. The alicorn hit's the tree ripping through it.
AJ: This thing can’t still be a pony.
Fallen: This is shit the HULK would pull!
The alicorn hit's the ground rolling over several time's. The black pegasus see's the chance to finish off the alicorn. The black pegasus run's full speed toward the alicorn.
Fallen: “LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY-”
The alicorn get's back up and hear's heavy hoof step's getting closer. The alicorn flair's his razor sharp wing's turn's around and make's a deep slice cut across the black pegasi's face.
Dash: NO! It’s not even possible to sharpen your wings like that! Does this author even realize how soft feathers are!? They can’t even MAKE a blade!
The black pegasi's lay's bleeding on the floor.
"Stand up and show me some pride!!" The alicorn shouted with a smerk on his face
Fallen: I’m one with the warrior inside, my dominance can’t be denied~
Dash: PLEASE never sing again.
Fallen: Fuck you, Disturbed is awesome.
"Ok!!" The black pegasus say's struggling to his hoove's.
"I sense the fear that will ensure my victory" The alicorn said punching the black pegasus in the face.
Fallen: The entire world will turn into a battlefield tonight~
AJ: Same song?
Fallen: OH yeah.
"Stop please stop" The black pegasus replyed with a tear in his eye.
"Get up and so me some pride And solidify you're place in time" said the alicorn smashing his hoof into the ground in anger.
Fallen: As I look upon you with a warrior’s eyes now~
AJ: The author’s doin’ that on purpose, ain’t he.
Dash: He’s TRYING to kill us with Fallen’s voice!
Fallen: Oh, I’m not THAT bad.
"I-I-I can't. Im just a farm worker not a monster" said the black pegasi trying to get up.
"Who the fuck are you calling a monster!!!!" shouted the alicorn with fury in his eye's
"I'm calling you a monster" said the black pegasus in pain.
AJ: And rightfully.
"Why you" said the alicorn with fire in his eye's pulling back his hoof for the finishing blow.
"Just look at what you're doing to me!!!!!. Just look at the family's you've destroyed when you killed them pegasi!!!!!" The black pegasus shouted.
Fallen: Oh, like he gives a shit. He probably eats foals for breakfast and downs them with fetus smoothies.
The black pegasis look's up and the alicorn's horn dim's down the alicorn turn's his head and say's. "But now I dont have it in me to end another life".
Dash: Morality FINALLY kicks in.
The the black pegasis still in shock on the ground reply's "You've got a conscience telling you to stop"
The alicorn shout's "No!!!!! I don't!!!!! I've been brought up to have no conscience!!!!!"
Fallen: I’d say he’s a great Decepticon in that respect, but... no. Thundercracker had great development in the comics: he believed in the cause, but not in the methods, and he was actually a little conflicted. Also, connecting this to Transformers in any way is an insult to Transformers.
"Then why have'nt you killed me by now?" The black pegasus said getting on to his hoove's.
"I've brung great shame to my race" The alicorn said with a depressed look apon his face.
"No you have'nt....you're a pony we don't fell shame" The black pegasus said.
AJ: If there’s pride, there’s gotta be shame too. Trust me... ah know.
The alicorn look's to the left and exclaim's. "What the fuck is that?"
The black pegasis look's to the left and notice's a black cloud coming toward Canterlot. The black pegasis mutter's. "Changeling's".
Dash: Wait. NOW there are changelings in the story? They’re in the title, but they don’t show up until the END OF THE FIFTH CHAPTER!? OUT OF SIX!?
Fallen: Hello, next point...
The black pegasis say's. "We have to get to canterlot before they do"
AJ: How’d he know they were all changelings anyway? And how’s he know they’re gonna attack once they hit Canterlot? What makes him think they won’t pass Canterlot in the first place?
Fallen: Yeah, I NEED to make this the next point.
The alicorn look's back at the black pegasis and reply's "we can get there quicker I use Thorn"
Dash: What’s Thorn?
Fallen: Oh dear fucking god... he named the jet mode like a separate entity. “Three of Me: School Society” will haunt me forever, won’t it...
The black pegasis looking at the alicorn in a state of confusion the alicorn noticing the pegasi's confusion exclaim's. "uuuuhh it will be quicker to show you than tell you won't it"
The black pegasis nod's his head up and down signalling a gesture short for yes.
AJ: Why couldn’t they just say he nodded?
The stalion telling the black pegasis too "stand back" the next thing the black pegasis had seen was a fully grown alicorn turning into a 5 story high robot warrior kitted out with gadget's of supreme fire power. Missile launcher's , 85 caliber gatling gun's , combustion jet engine's
All: NO!!!
Fallen: Christ’s sakes, man! Wasn’t the jet bullshit enough!?
And then it transform's into the same flying machine that killed all the pegasi in the sky battle.
Fallen: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.
And the black pegasi heard a voice come from the machine. "This is my jet form". the jet still speaking "It's an F-22 raptor completed with radar , thrust vectoring for extra maneuverability in the air and stealth to hide us from enemy radar. That's if your race has radar"
Fallen: Oh god, an Earth jet. This guy HAS to be human, because I don’t think a Cybertronian would know all the technical details of their alt mode off the top of their heads. It’s like Prime!Arcee not being able to build a motorcycle even though she transforms into one: “You’re a human. Can you build me a small intestine?”
AJ: Ya keep talkin’ ‘bout that Transformers thing.
Fallen: Because I’m a fanatic. RawHavoc clearly is, too, but this isn’t how to do it justice.
The black pegasis climb's in to the cockpit of the jet and strap's him self to the seat.
Fallen: Seriously, fuck size-shifting. This dumbass wouldn’t have been able to climb inside and ride Havoc as an alicorn, and there should be no reason for him to be able to as a jet.
Dash: Especially if the pegasus didn’t break his wings.
The cockpit window closes the jet take's off vertically. It then suddenly move's forward pushing the black pegasis in to the seat.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dash: WHY!?
Fallen: Thank god this chapter’s over. My brain cells need a rest.
Dash: WHY LAND ON HIM!?
AJ: How much longer are we gonna be here?
Fallen: Just brace yourself. These next chapters are all OVER 1,000 words long.
AJ and Dash: (groan)
Fallen: You’ll live. Hopefully.
The black pegasis hit's the ground and he roll's over so he don't get crushed by the machine when it hit's the ground.
The black pegasis see's the machine hit the ground part's of the machine get ripped off as it roll's over and over hitting a tree.
Fallen: ...is it dead? Is it de- am I dead? Let me check my pulse... yep. This story killed me.
Followed by a dust cloud thick with dirt and rubble off tree's and even part's of shrapnel off the machine itself. The black pegasi's vision start's to fade and then get's lost to the darkness.
AJ: Finally saw how bad the story was and couldn’t take it anymore, ah reckon.
(3 hour later)
The black pegasis gain's conscience he look's up in a daze struggling to his hoove's. He look's at his wing's and look's back in relef that his wing's are'nt broken.
Dash: All in favor of fixing that?
AJ: Aye.
Fallen: Aye.
Dash: The aye’s have it!
He look's around he's in a clearing notice's something rather odd.
Fallen: He didn’t put those in his bag...
The pieces of shrapnel from that machine are gone. He look's around some he is in a clearing in the center of the Everfree forest he look's left.
Dash: Straight into the eyes of a cockatrice!
He find's something on the ground. It look's like a photo of a family he pick's it up and put's it in one of his pocket's on his vest.
AJ: He ain’t gonna live through the story, is he.
Fallen: Hopefully not. Having a picture of your family on you is basically a death wish.
He hear's some rustling in the bush behind him. He turn's around to see who it was. He notice's a alicorn with black marking's a black mane with 2 high lite's of purple and deep red demonic eye's With armour on each wing and a horn glowing purple.
Fallen: So now he’s a pony again. Did he just... absorb all the shrapnel and metal bits that broke off of him?
But then he looked into the alicorn's eye's and he looked really angry.
And it did'ent take long for the black pegasus to relise that the glow on the alicorn's horn was black magic.
Dash: Except, you know, it was purple.
Fallen: IS there black magic? And does it look any different from regular magic when cast?
The black pegasis relised he was in grave danger he tried to get out. But the alicorn repeated to pull the black pegasis to ground.
Dash: IT’S “PEGASUS” WITH A U!
And the black pegasis know's that now the only way escape this guy was to fight a alicorn he does'nt even know. The black pegasis rammed the alicorn in to a tree the black pegasis say's "Wow ive never taken on anyone this easy before".
Fallen: So this black pegasus is the picture-perfect prison bitch.
AJ: Ah doubt this is the weakest guy Havoc’s fought. Ah bet he went around towns beatin’ on little fillies.
The alicorn had his wing's over his body and push'es them out generating a shockwave made of air.
Fallen: How about NO.
And pushing the black pegasis back into a tree with a thud.
The black pegasis hit's the tree really hard. The black pegasus open's his eye's only to see this alicorn running full speed. The black pegasus move's out the way. And then a hugh sound of a crack. The alicorn hit's the tree ripping through it.
AJ: This thing can’t still be a pony.
Fallen: This is shit the HULK would pull!
The alicorn hit's the ground rolling over several time's. The black pegasus see's the chance to finish off the alicorn. The black pegasus run's full speed toward the alicorn.
Fallen: “LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY-”
The alicorn get's back up and hear's heavy hoof step's getting closer. The alicorn flair's his razor sharp wing's turn's around and make's a deep slice cut across the black pegasi's face.
Dash: NO! It’s not even possible to sharpen your wings like that! Does this author even realize how soft feathers are!? They can’t even MAKE a blade!
The black pegasi's lay's bleeding on the floor.
"Stand up and show me some pride!!" The alicorn shouted with a smerk on his face
Fallen: I’m one with the warrior inside, my dominance can’t be denied~
Dash: PLEASE never sing again.
Fallen: Fuck you, Disturbed is awesome.
"Ok!!" The black pegasus say's struggling to his hoove's.
"I sense the fear that will ensure my victory" The alicorn said punching the black pegasus in the face.
Fallen: The entire world will turn into a battlefield tonight~
AJ: Same song?
Fallen: OH yeah.
"Stop please stop" The black pegasus replyed with a tear in his eye.
"Get up and so me some pride And solidify you're place in time" said the alicorn smashing his hoof into the ground in anger.
Fallen: As I look upon you with a warrior’s eyes now~
AJ: The author’s doin’ that on purpose, ain’t he.
Dash: He’s TRYING to kill us with Fallen’s voice!
Fallen: Oh, I’m not THAT bad.
"I-I-I can't. Im just a farm worker not a monster" said the black pegasi trying to get up.
"Who the fuck are you calling a monster!!!!" shouted the alicorn with fury in his eye's
"I'm calling you a monster" said the black pegasus in pain.
AJ: And rightfully.
"Why you" said the alicorn with fire in his eye's pulling back his hoof for the finishing blow.
"Just look at what you're doing to me!!!!!. Just look at the family's you've destroyed when you killed them pegasi!!!!!" The black pegasus shouted.
Fallen: Oh, like he gives a shit. He probably eats foals for breakfast and downs them with fetus smoothies.
The black pegasis look's up and the alicorn's horn dim's down the alicorn turn's his head and say's. "But now I dont have it in me to end another life".
Dash: Morality FINALLY kicks in.
The the black pegasis still in shock on the ground reply's "You've got a conscience telling you to stop"
The alicorn shout's "No!!!!! I don't!!!!! I've been brought up to have no conscience!!!!!"
Fallen: I’d say he’s a great Decepticon in that respect, but... no. Thundercracker had great development in the comics: he believed in the cause, but not in the methods, and he was actually a little conflicted. Also, connecting this to Transformers in any way is an insult to Transformers.
"Then why have'nt you killed me by now?" The black pegasus said getting on to his hoove's.
"I've brung great shame to my race" The alicorn said with a depressed look apon his face.
"No you have'nt....you're a pony we don't fell shame" The black pegasus said.
AJ: If there’s pride, there’s gotta be shame too. Trust me... ah know.
The alicorn look's to the left and exclaim's. "What the fuck is that?"
The black pegasis look's to the left and notice's a black cloud coming toward Canterlot. The black pegasis mutter's. "Changeling's".
Dash: Wait. NOW there are changelings in the story? They’re in the title, but they don’t show up until the END OF THE FIFTH CHAPTER!? OUT OF SIX!?
Fallen: Hello, next point...
The black pegasis say's. "We have to get to canterlot before they do"
AJ: How’d he know they were all changelings anyway? And how’s he know they’re gonna attack once they hit Canterlot? What makes him think they won’t pass Canterlot in the first place?
Fallen: Yeah, I NEED to make this the next point.
The alicorn look's back at the black pegasis and reply's "we can get there quicker I use Thorn"
Dash: What’s Thorn?
Fallen: Oh dear fucking god... he named the jet mode like a separate entity. “Three of Me: School Society” will haunt me forever, won’t it...
The black pegasis looking at the alicorn in a state of confusion the alicorn noticing the pegasi's confusion exclaim's. "uuuuhh it will be quicker to show you than tell you won't it"
The black pegasis nod's his head up and down signalling a gesture short for yes.
AJ: Why couldn’t they just say he nodded?
The stalion telling the black pegasis too "stand back" the next thing the black pegasis had seen was a fully grown alicorn turning into a 5 story high robot warrior kitted out with gadget's of supreme fire power. Missile launcher's , 85 caliber gatling gun's , combustion jet engine's
All: NO!!!
Fallen: Christ’s sakes, man! Wasn’t the jet bullshit enough!?
And then it transform's into the same flying machine that killed all the pegasi in the sky battle.
Fallen: GOD FUCKING DAMMIT.
And the black pegasi heard a voice come from the machine. "This is my jet form". the jet still speaking "It's an F-22 raptor completed with radar , thrust vectoring for extra maneuverability in the air and stealth to hide us from enemy radar. That's if your race has radar"
Fallen: Oh god, an Earth jet. This guy HAS to be human, because I don’t think a Cybertronian would know all the technical details of their alt mode off the top of their heads. It’s like Prime!Arcee not being able to build a motorcycle even though she transforms into one: “You’re a human. Can you build me a small intestine?”
AJ: Ya keep talkin’ ‘bout that Transformers thing.
Fallen: Because I’m a fanatic. RawHavoc clearly is, too, but this isn’t how to do it justice.
The black pegasis climb's in to the cockpit of the jet and strap's him self to the seat.
Fallen: Seriously, fuck size-shifting. This dumbass wouldn’t have been able to climb inside and ride Havoc as an alicorn, and there should be no reason for him to be able to as a jet.
Dash: Especially if the pegasus didn’t break his wings.
The cockpit window closes the jet take's off vertically. It then suddenly move's forward pushing the black pegasis in to the seat.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dash: WHY!?
Fallen: Thank god this chapter’s over. My brain cells need a rest.
Fallen: This chapter was a goddamn mess, even when put against the ones before it.
AJ: No foolin’. Ah could barely find a single thing that made a lick of sense.
Fallen: And I think part of the problem is that it’s such a sudden shift from everything before it. Which brings me to a point about story structure.
Dash: You’re really committed to this lecture thing, aren’t you. Like you really think it’s going to help anything.
Fallen: It’ll help everything. He’s actually letting me jump in and tweak the story while he writes it, and if I know this stuff and make these changes, he can learn through observation.
Dash: So... you don’t have to tell us everything.
Fallen: I still will. Now, most works of fiction follow a set narrative and have a plot that encompasses the whole of the story. Those of you at home, stop snickering. In order for the story to work, it needs a central conflict, something that sets up towards the start and gets resolved towards the end.
AJ: Then where’s that here?
Fallen: Therein lies the problem. The first three chapters are Havoc meeting the royal sisters. The fourth is him slaughtering random pegasi for breathing his air. The fifth is when it actually creates the conflict in between spats of Havoc being a prick and showing off how much of a Gary Stu he is. The titular changelings take so long to make their debut that the author may as well have left them out entirely.
Dash: But the title makes it looks like that’s what the whole thing’s supposed to be about! How do you screw something like that up?
Fallen: I really didn’t think you could, but you learn something new every day. If you want the changelings to be the selling point of the story, don’t put them at the very end and make the audience suffer through all of THAT. It would’ve been bad enough if the story was well-written and this just popped up from nowhere, but I was put through hell to get here, and it’s only MORE hell as it keeps going.
AJ: And it really shouldn’t be the name of the story.
Fallen: That too, I suppose. The point is that the conflict of the story should be something that’s present throughout the entire story, not just some stupid forced war conflict that comes out of left field and is given no setup or purpose. We don’t know why the changelings are attacking or why this pegasus KNOWS that’s what they’re doing. Nothing’s established and explained-
Dash: It all comes back to explaining, doesn’t it.
Fallen: Oh my god, it really does. Why Havoc has this “Thorn” thing, why the changelings are attacking Canterlot, why Luna’s instantly smitten with him, why he’s even an alicorn that turns into a giant robot and an Earth jet... nothing in this story is explained, and nothing makes any sense! And again, even though it’s meant to be a part of a greater whole, there’s no excuse for this level of confusion! Add to that the fact that a lot of the things that aren’t given explanation are things that you’re SERIOUSLY not supposed to do with a pony story in the first place just... UGH!
Dash: And... you’re still helping this guy.
Fallen: Do you see this? All of this? He seriously needs it, and if he’s accepting help, then it might as well be someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing that gives it to him.
AJ: And ya think that’s YOU because...
Fallen: Because I can see all the shit that’s wrong with it and what could’ve been done to set it right. This is one of the biggest flops on the site, and it would be a true accomplishment to turn it into something people would read because it’s GOOD instead of out of some twisted sense of masochistic obligation.
Dash: Yeah. Good luck with that. You’re gonna need it.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
AJ: No foolin’. Ah could barely find a single thing that made a lick of sense.
Fallen: And I think part of the problem is that it’s such a sudden shift from everything before it. Which brings me to a point about story structure.
Dash: You’re really committed to this lecture thing, aren’t you. Like you really think it’s going to help anything.
Fallen: It’ll help everything. He’s actually letting me jump in and tweak the story while he writes it, and if I know this stuff and make these changes, he can learn through observation.
Dash: So... you don’t have to tell us everything.
Fallen: I still will. Now, most works of fiction follow a set narrative and have a plot that encompasses the whole of the story. Those of you at home, stop snickering. In order for the story to work, it needs a central conflict, something that sets up towards the start and gets resolved towards the end.
AJ: Then where’s that here?
Fallen: Therein lies the problem. The first three chapters are Havoc meeting the royal sisters. The fourth is him slaughtering random pegasi for breathing his air. The fifth is when it actually creates the conflict in between spats of Havoc being a prick and showing off how much of a Gary Stu he is. The titular changelings take so long to make their debut that the author may as well have left them out entirely.
Dash: But the title makes it looks like that’s what the whole thing’s supposed to be about! How do you screw something like that up?
Fallen: I really didn’t think you could, but you learn something new every day. If you want the changelings to be the selling point of the story, don’t put them at the very end and make the audience suffer through all of THAT. It would’ve been bad enough if the story was well-written and this just popped up from nowhere, but I was put through hell to get here, and it’s only MORE hell as it keeps going.
AJ: And it really shouldn’t be the name of the story.
Fallen: That too, I suppose. The point is that the conflict of the story should be something that’s present throughout the entire story, not just some stupid forced war conflict that comes out of left field and is given no setup or purpose. We don’t know why the changelings are attacking or why this pegasus KNOWS that’s what they’re doing. Nothing’s established and explained-
Dash: It all comes back to explaining, doesn’t it.
Fallen: Oh my god, it really does. Why Havoc has this “Thorn” thing, why the changelings are attacking Canterlot, why Luna’s instantly smitten with him, why he’s even an alicorn that turns into a giant robot and an Earth jet... nothing in this story is explained, and nothing makes any sense! And again, even though it’s meant to be a part of a greater whole, there’s no excuse for this level of confusion! Add to that the fact that a lot of the things that aren’t given explanation are things that you’re SERIOUSLY not supposed to do with a pony story in the first place just... UGH!
Dash: And... you’re still helping this guy.
Fallen: Do you see this? All of this? He seriously needs it, and if he’s accepting help, then it might as well be someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing that gives it to him.
AJ: And ya think that’s YOU because...
Fallen: Because I can see all the shit that’s wrong with it and what could’ve been done to set it right. This is one of the biggest flops on the site, and it would be a true accomplishment to turn it into something people would read because it’s GOOD instead of out of some twisted sense of masochistic obligation.
Dash: Yeah. Good luck with that. You’re gonna need it.
(Buzzer sounds.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
As they were aproching canterlot the black pegasis asked. "So what's you're name?".
The machine reply's. "Well in my pony form they call me Havoc, and in this form they call me Thorn.
Dash: Who’s “they?” You literally interacted with three or four ponies without filling them with bullet holes! And this is your first time doing that as a robot plane!
Now since I told you my name you tell me you're name".
The black pegasi reply's. "Atomic Vortex but my friend's call me Atom,"
Fallen: Oh god. “Atomic Vortex” is another user on the site. This is his OC. I really hope he’s ashamed of allowing him to go into this... thing.
AJ: You said he’s rewritin’ this, right?
Fallen: I did.
AJ: What’s yer plan for this guy?
Fallen: I’ll have to think about that, but if I keep him, I’m going to make him a character rather than a cameo.
Havoc reply's. "Well I'm not you're friend"
Havoc's, jet form start's to fall out the sky Atom, has his hoof's over his eye's thinking their going to die in a crash Havoc, notice's Atom's facial expression and exclaim's. "Uuuuuugh im just decreasing altitude".
AJ: He can see what’s goin’ on in the cockpit?
Dash: Shouldn’t he be watching where he’s flying?
Atom, take's his hoove's off his eye's.
Atom, notice's the main six running across a bridge in canterlot from a stampede of black creature's.
Dash: Wait, what? WHY!?
Havoc, notice's it to and exclaim's. "Time for some close air support!".
Havoc, fire's two projectiles that exploded on impact causing mass damage
Dash: Did they just make him save our lives!?
Fallen: Yes. And in a way that could easily have killed all of you along with those changelings. You’re just collateral damage to him.
AJ: I’m insulted... but not surprised.
"You got them". Said Atom, who was now plastered to the jet's seat. Havoc, reply's. "That was just the appetizer here come's the main course"
Havoc, open's a flap revealing a multi-barrel gun on his jet's fusalarge. Atom, notice's it and ask's. "What is that?".
AJ: Another reason why Havoc shouldn’t exist as a character?
Havoc, reply's back. "It's my favorite gadget... The caox cannon this gatling gun can fire 1,200 75caliber incindary round's in 12 second's".
Fallen: How much does it COST to fire it for twelve seconds?
Dash: Why is that important?
Fallen: Just... be quiet. You didn’t get it.
Atom, in curiosity reply's. "What do incindary round's do?".
Fallen: “Well, they add periods outside of quotation marks and cause the word ‘incendiary’ to never be spelled right. That good enough?”
Havoc, reply's. "They explode and burn on impact with solid materials a.k.a those moving black thing's on the ground"
Havoc, fire's his caox cannon at the black creature's causing fire and smoke and shrapnel at one point making it impossible to see what he was firing at.
Dash: So why is he still shooting!? There could still be civilians down there!
AJ: Wouldn’t stop him.
The smoke and shrapnel clear's the six dazed pony's look up. Rainbow Dash remembered the flying machine that attacked the pegasi,. But now it saved them. The flying machine turned vertical at the side of the bridge.
Fallen: I don’t know why that needed to be in the same paragraph as Rainbow Dash’s recognition, but... fuck it, nothing matters anymore.
Opening the cockpit window a orange coated and blonde mane'd pony jumped on the side of the machine tilting it sideway's Atom, shout's. "Apple Jack get off the side of the jet you're throwing him off balance"
AJ: Wow. Ah’m the only smart one in the whole story!
Apple Jack reply's. "Get of the thing that attacked you and tried to kill you"
Atom, exclaim's. "He did'ent attack us we attacked him.
AJ: Ah seriously just read that. Somepony really just said that.
Dash: No words. Just RAGE.
And don't call him a flying machine he is a jet".
Atom, say's. "Havoc, let me introduce to you to my friend's this is Apple Jack she's my main mare
AJ: NO.
and the rest are Rainbow Dash , Fluttershy , Rarity , Twilight and Pinkie Pie".
Dash: ...why are we suddenly his friends?
Fallen: Because of the reason.
Havoc, stay's quiet and ask's. "Does anyone know were Luna is?"
Twilight reply's. "The last time I saw her. She was keeping changeling's off our back's I think she's still at the church".
AJ: ...it’s not a church. Ah don’t even think we really HAVE much by way of religion.
Havoc, run's off the side of the bridge and turn's into his jet form speeding off toward the church.
GET YOUR POP CORN AND SODA BECAUSE HERE'S THE FINAL BATTLE OF THE STORY.
Fallen: And you’re going to want the projectiles to throw at it.
"You can't defeat the king of the changeling's!! hahaha". he said taking of into the air.
Luna trapped in a corner next to her almost dead sister shout's. "AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH IN MY LUNG'S MAGIC IN MY HORN FLIGHT IN MY WING'S I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING!!!!"
Dash: Break the wings, snap the horn, puncture the lungs. Lose the legs too, for good measure. Now what do you do?
Fallen: “You yellow bastards! Come here and get what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”
The changeling king laugh's and power's up his horn for the final blow.
Dash: Changeling KING?
Fallen: I’m just baffled by it being stronger than Chrysalis. Most insects and insect-based things are run by a queen. There usually isn’t even a king to speak of. The xenomorphs from Alien don’t need a king because their queen’s too badass; why would the changelings be any different?
"This is the end of line". As he walk's over to Luna ready to kill her a window shattering roar pierced the room the stained glass window's are destroyed.
Fallen: Okay, now I’m convinced a window murdered his entire extended family.
After the roar came a silence. The king of the changeling's backed up against the church door's two minute's passed. The king of the changeling's walked back over to Luna. His horn glowing ready to kill.
AJ: Why’d he just stand there for two minutes? If he wanted to kill Luna, why didn’t he just do it?
Then a loud explosen
Fallen: I think I’m gonna be sick...
destroy's the front of the church yet another silence came into the room. The king of the changeling's is now getting scared. And is now backed up agaist the church door's yet again and shout's out. "COME OUT AND FACE ME COWERED!!".
Dash: Why does he want him to cower? Does he just like killing things that are scared for their lives?
A familiar voice said "Ill be obliged to". Luna look's around to find out were the voice had came from. And then all of a sudden the sound of cracking and falling concrete followed by a dust cloud coming from the center of the church hall. Luna can see the outer line of a alicorn.
Fallen: That sentence just hurts.
Dash: All the others don’t?
Fallen: Shut up.
"Havoc," Luna said with a smile of relef. The dust clear's. Havoc, see's the king of the changeling's for the first time. Havoc, exclaim's. "You are one ugly muthafucker"
Fallen: No. Fuck you. Predator is far too good for this story.
The king of the changeling's trie's to open the church door's. He notice's there jammed on the other side Havoc, say's. "You like killing mare's do you?. Well then time to pay for what you do!!" Havoc shouted with rage in his eye's.
Fallen: Hypocrisy, thy name is Havoc.
The changeling king turn's around and fire's a green beam. Havoc fire's off a purple beam. The two beam's collide causing a shockwave to rip the church apart. As the church was crumbling around Luna she noticed that Havoc's, beam was getting shorter.
Dash: They have pills for that, I think.
The king's beam reach'es Havoc's, horn. The green beam explode's. Making Havoc, fly back and crash through a church piller with a thud and snap.
Luna see's that Havoc, is down and pouring blood from his head and rib's.
Fallen: Excellent. If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Luna stand's up and fire's a beam across the room toward the king. The king of the changeling's see's it and deflect's it at Celestia.... It hit's her.
Dash: Wait, PRINCESS CELESTIA!?
AJ: How long was she there, and why didn’t she do somethin’!?
Fallen: Oh. It says at the start that Celestia was almost dead with Luna at her side.
Dash: Does it mention her anywhere else?
Fallen: Nope. I actually didn’t even notice that sentence until I looked back at it.
Luna hear's her sister's scream's of agony. The king fire's another beam at Luna.... It hit's Luna causing her to fly back into a stone wall.
Fallen: The changeling king’s a Gary Stu too. Taking out both princesses with one shot each.
Dash: Well, the queen-
Fallen: Had no idea she could. She thought she was screwed until she actually looked up and saw Celestia fall. And that wasn’t on her own power.
Havoc, closed his eye's. Something said to him. "Do it for yourself ..... Do it for what you love" Havoc, opened his eye's they were now replaced with a orange glow. Luna looking in agony mutter's "he's changeing".
Dash: Evolving, even!
Fallen: What? Oh, fuck, press B! PRESS B!
Havoc's, leg's are replaced with long metal chicken bent leg's. And his arm's replaced by big long metal spindaly arm's with long bent finger's. His chest replaced by rocket launcher's and a jet cockpit. And his shoulders replaced by jet intake's. And his pegasus wing's are replaced by long thin fighter jet wing's with jet engine's on them.
Fallen: If RawHavoc’s blog post is to be believed... this is supposed to take the form of filmverse Starscream. One of the bulkiest and most ridiculous designs they ever had for a Transformer. There are so many more menacing jet-based Transformers to steal from, and he just goes for the one that turned into the only plane he could name off the top of his head at the time.
The change was complete Havoc, has now become Thorn. Luna was hurt and scared. She's never seen a alicorn this powerful before.
All: THAT’S THE PROBLEM!
Thorn shout's. "YOUR ALL MINE YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!!!!".
Fallen: You collect shit? Even though it’s worthless? Ew.
The changling king is up for another round and fires another beam. Thorn dodge's. the beam missing Thorn. Generating a shockwave that break's mountain's.
Dash: But you know, the major damage to the land around them isn’t as important as the fight that’s happening right now.
the two warrior's are locked into a battle of strengh and superiority. Havoc transform's into his jet form. And then suddenly a extream burst of flame's and air mixed together causing a shockwave making Havoc's jet form rocket toward the king. Havoc hit's the king with the nose of his jet form.
Fallen: It’s a battle of Gary Stus. Otherwise the king would’ve been obliterated by getting rammed into by a jet.
Havoc fire's his caox cannon at the roof of the church blowing a hole through it. Luna follow's to give Havoc surpport if he need's it. Luna land's on the roof she can't see anything through the fire and smoke. Luna hear's a roar of thunder rocket past her.
Dash: Oh, COME ON, Derpy!
Then a crack and snap sounded behind her. Luna turn's around only to see Havoc coming toward her. Mysterious light's fire out of Havoc's jet fusearlarge.
Fallen: That’s SO fucking annoying. It’s spelled “fuselage.” How’d you even get THAT!?
Luna run's for cover behind a huge slab of concrete. And the a roar of a explosen cracked the church roof. Luna look's to see if everything is finished.
AJ: All the decorations were finally up, and the party could start whenever she was ready.
She peak's her head around the corner of the concrete slab. Only to quickly move her head behind the slab. The king is thrown against the wall really hard.
AJ: Like, really, REALLY hard?
Fallen: That is easily one of the most important descriptors to avoid in literature EVER.
Luna look's into the blaze of fire and smoke again. She see's a out line of a gigantic robot. the smoke clear's only to show Havoc in his robot form looking in her direaction. Sundenly Luna is taken histage by the king.
Fallen: I hope you appreciate this, people. I’m breaking up the most frustrating wall of text I’ve seen in a long time to do this. It hurts me to even look at it.
"If you want to kill me you're going to have to kill you're first love" said the king of the changeling's with a smirk on his face.
Fallen: I hope you appreciate this, people. I’m breaking up the most frustrating wall of text I’ve seen in a long time to do this. It hurts me to even look at it.
Havoc raise's his arm revealing a gatling gun. "Havoc.... please...no" Luna said with fear in her eye's.
Dash: I can so see him just doing it.
The barrel's on Havoc's gun start to spin. "HAVOC!!!!!...PLEASE!!!!!....NO!!!!!" Luna shouted once more. The ground start's to crack.
Fallen: If the planet’s transforming into Unicron, I fucking quit.
"What the....". The ground give's way under the king and Luna. They both fall to the ground beneth them with a thud. The sound of metal hitting the ground get's closer as the king and Luna lay the with no help.
Fallen: You are being SUCH a dick to the mare you’re arbitrarily supposed to love now.
The out line of Havoc's robot form apper's in the smoke. Suddenly a loud crack of gun fire echo's through the church hall. Luna looked to her left there layed the king of the changeling's dead from the bullet Havoc shot at him.
All: …
Dash: The princesses couldn’t do that together...
AJ: But Havoc did it on his own.
Fallen: YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO THAT, HAVOC!
Luna then break's free of the rubble covering her.
Now the battle was won.
Dash: Even though I feel like I lost.
Havoc turn's back into his alicorn form and take's some step's forward. Then he fall's to his knee's and then falling to the floor lost to the darkness. Luna run's over to Havoc with tear's in her eye's
AJ: Ah hate that the story made Luna weak enough to have to crawl to him for comfort.
Fallen: It’s not weak in and of itself, but... no, yeah, in this context it’s just pathetic.
(18 hour's later)
Havoc, find's himself In a room he look's down he has his hand's back. He remove's the cover's on the bed. He notice's he is back in his human form.
Fallen: Wait, human as in HUMAN or human as in giant humanoid robot? Because if it’s just human... oh god, this character’s more hopeless than I thought.
Luna walk's in. "So I see you're awake".
Havoc, turn's around turning back into his alicorn form.
Fallen: See? If I’m right, then it stopped being Transformers and just turned into Animorphs.
Luna give's a light giggle and say's. "Come on you're going to miss you're welcoming ceremony".
Havoc, and Luna walk out of the room together. Side by side.
(Before the welcoming ceremony started)
Dash: FOR THE LOVE OF-
AJ: It’s the last stupid transition, sugarcube. Let it go.
AS THE SUN SET AND THE MOON RISIED.
Fallen: And hello, retarded capslock epilogue.
I LOOKED AT THE SETTING SUN AND ATOM. STANDING NEXT TO ME. AND IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT I GAINED I AND I LOOKED BACK INTO THE SKY. AND THE STAR'S ARE COMING OUT AND I LOOKED BACK AT ATOM, AND I MISSED HAVING FRIEND'S BY MY SIDE.
Dash: WHAT!? Why are they friends now!?
Fallen: Because of the reason. Seriously, how have you not learned that by now?
AND FOR LUNA MY HEART REMAIN'S WITH HER IVE NEVER FELT LOVE NORE ANY EFFECTION LIKE THIS FOR ANYTHING
Fallen: Except for random acts of violence, unparalleled douchebaggery, and serial murder.
BUT NOW THAT I HAVE ATOM BY MY SIDE AND LUNA TO LOVE AND PROTECT. I THINK I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING THE WORLD THROW'S AT ME
Dash: AND THAT’S WHY YOUR CHARACTER’S SO BORING TO READ ABOUT!
Fallen: I can’t believe this was made... but we’re done at last.
The machine reply's. "Well in my pony form they call me Havoc, and in this form they call me Thorn.
Dash: Who’s “they?” You literally interacted with three or four ponies without filling them with bullet holes! And this is your first time doing that as a robot plane!
Now since I told you my name you tell me you're name".
The black pegasi reply's. "Atomic Vortex but my friend's call me Atom,"
Fallen: Oh god. “Atomic Vortex” is another user on the site. This is his OC. I really hope he’s ashamed of allowing him to go into this... thing.
AJ: You said he’s rewritin’ this, right?
Fallen: I did.
AJ: What’s yer plan for this guy?
Fallen: I’ll have to think about that, but if I keep him, I’m going to make him a character rather than a cameo.
Havoc reply's. "Well I'm not you're friend"
Havoc's, jet form start's to fall out the sky Atom, has his hoof's over his eye's thinking their going to die in a crash Havoc, notice's Atom's facial expression and exclaim's. "Uuuuuugh im just decreasing altitude".
AJ: He can see what’s goin’ on in the cockpit?
Dash: Shouldn’t he be watching where he’s flying?
Atom, take's his hoove's off his eye's.
Atom, notice's the main six running across a bridge in canterlot from a stampede of black creature's.
Dash: Wait, what? WHY!?
Havoc, notice's it to and exclaim's. "Time for some close air support!".
Havoc, fire's two projectiles that exploded on impact causing mass damage
Dash: Did they just make him save our lives!?
Fallen: Yes. And in a way that could easily have killed all of you along with those changelings. You’re just collateral damage to him.
AJ: I’m insulted... but not surprised.
"You got them". Said Atom, who was now plastered to the jet's seat. Havoc, reply's. "That was just the appetizer here come's the main course"
Havoc, open's a flap revealing a multi-barrel gun on his jet's fusalarge. Atom, notice's it and ask's. "What is that?".
AJ: Another reason why Havoc shouldn’t exist as a character?
Havoc, reply's back. "It's my favorite gadget... The caox cannon this gatling gun can fire 1,200 75caliber incindary round's in 12 second's".
Fallen: How much does it COST to fire it for twelve seconds?
Dash: Why is that important?
Fallen: Just... be quiet. You didn’t get it.
Atom, in curiosity reply's. "What do incindary round's do?".
Fallen: “Well, they add periods outside of quotation marks and cause the word ‘incendiary’ to never be spelled right. That good enough?”
Havoc, reply's. "They explode and burn on impact with solid materials a.k.a those moving black thing's on the ground"
Havoc, fire's his caox cannon at the black creature's causing fire and smoke and shrapnel at one point making it impossible to see what he was firing at.
Dash: So why is he still shooting!? There could still be civilians down there!
AJ: Wouldn’t stop him.
The smoke and shrapnel clear's the six dazed pony's look up. Rainbow Dash remembered the flying machine that attacked the pegasi,. But now it saved them. The flying machine turned vertical at the side of the bridge.
Fallen: I don’t know why that needed to be in the same paragraph as Rainbow Dash’s recognition, but... fuck it, nothing matters anymore.
Opening the cockpit window a orange coated and blonde mane'd pony jumped on the side of the machine tilting it sideway's Atom, shout's. "Apple Jack get off the side of the jet you're throwing him off balance"
AJ: Wow. Ah’m the only smart one in the whole story!
Apple Jack reply's. "Get of the thing that attacked you and tried to kill you"
Atom, exclaim's. "He did'ent attack us we attacked him.
AJ: Ah seriously just read that. Somepony really just said that.
Dash: No words. Just RAGE.
And don't call him a flying machine he is a jet".
Atom, say's. "Havoc, let me introduce to you to my friend's this is Apple Jack she's my main mare
AJ: NO.
and the rest are Rainbow Dash , Fluttershy , Rarity , Twilight and Pinkie Pie".
Dash: ...why are we suddenly his friends?
Fallen: Because of the reason.
Havoc, stay's quiet and ask's. "Does anyone know were Luna is?"
Twilight reply's. "The last time I saw her. She was keeping changeling's off our back's I think she's still at the church".
AJ: ...it’s not a church. Ah don’t even think we really HAVE much by way of religion.
Havoc, run's off the side of the bridge and turn's into his jet form speeding off toward the church.
GET YOUR POP CORN AND SODA BECAUSE HERE'S THE FINAL BATTLE OF THE STORY.
Fallen: And you’re going to want the projectiles to throw at it.
"You can't defeat the king of the changeling's!! hahaha". he said taking of into the air.
Luna trapped in a corner next to her almost dead sister shout's. "AS LONG AS I HAVE BREATH IN MY LUNG'S MAGIC IN MY HORN FLIGHT IN MY WING'S I WILL NOT STOP FIGHTING!!!!"
Dash: Break the wings, snap the horn, puncture the lungs. Lose the legs too, for good measure. Now what do you do?
Fallen: “You yellow bastards! Come here and get what’s coming to you! I’ll bite your legs off!”
The changeling king laugh's and power's up his horn for the final blow.
Dash: Changeling KING?
Fallen: I’m just baffled by it being stronger than Chrysalis. Most insects and insect-based things are run by a queen. There usually isn’t even a king to speak of. The xenomorphs from Alien don’t need a king because their queen’s too badass; why would the changelings be any different?
"This is the end of line". As he walk's over to Luna ready to kill her a window shattering roar pierced the room the stained glass window's are destroyed.
Fallen: Okay, now I’m convinced a window murdered his entire extended family.
After the roar came a silence. The king of the changeling's backed up against the church door's two minute's passed. The king of the changeling's walked back over to Luna. His horn glowing ready to kill.
AJ: Why’d he just stand there for two minutes? If he wanted to kill Luna, why didn’t he just do it?
Then a loud explosen
Fallen: I think I’m gonna be sick...
destroy's the front of the church yet another silence came into the room. The king of the changeling's is now getting scared. And is now backed up agaist the church door's yet again and shout's out. "COME OUT AND FACE ME COWERED!!".
Dash: Why does he want him to cower? Does he just like killing things that are scared for their lives?
A familiar voice said "Ill be obliged to". Luna look's around to find out were the voice had came from. And then all of a sudden the sound of cracking and falling concrete followed by a dust cloud coming from the center of the church hall. Luna can see the outer line of a alicorn.
Fallen: That sentence just hurts.
Dash: All the others don’t?
Fallen: Shut up.
"Havoc," Luna said with a smile of relef. The dust clear's. Havoc, see's the king of the changeling's for the first time. Havoc, exclaim's. "You are one ugly muthafucker"
Fallen: No. Fuck you. Predator is far too good for this story.
The king of the changeling's trie's to open the church door's. He notice's there jammed on the other side Havoc, say's. "You like killing mare's do you?. Well then time to pay for what you do!!" Havoc shouted with rage in his eye's.
Fallen: Hypocrisy, thy name is Havoc.
The changeling king turn's around and fire's a green beam. Havoc fire's off a purple beam. The two beam's collide causing a shockwave to rip the church apart. As the church was crumbling around Luna she noticed that Havoc's, beam was getting shorter.
Dash: They have pills for that, I think.
The king's beam reach'es Havoc's, horn. The green beam explode's. Making Havoc, fly back and crash through a church piller with a thud and snap.
Luna see's that Havoc, is down and pouring blood from his head and rib's.
Fallen: Excellent. If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Luna stand's up and fire's a beam across the room toward the king. The king of the changeling's see's it and deflect's it at Celestia.... It hit's her.
Dash: Wait, PRINCESS CELESTIA!?
AJ: How long was she there, and why didn’t she do somethin’!?
Fallen: Oh. It says at the start that Celestia was almost dead with Luna at her side.
Dash: Does it mention her anywhere else?
Fallen: Nope. I actually didn’t even notice that sentence until I looked back at it.
Luna hear's her sister's scream's of agony. The king fire's another beam at Luna.... It hit's Luna causing her to fly back into a stone wall.
Fallen: The changeling king’s a Gary Stu too. Taking out both princesses with one shot each.
Dash: Well, the queen-
Fallen: Had no idea she could. She thought she was screwed until she actually looked up and saw Celestia fall. And that wasn’t on her own power.
Havoc, closed his eye's. Something said to him. "Do it for yourself ..... Do it for what you love" Havoc, opened his eye's they were now replaced with a orange glow. Luna looking in agony mutter's "he's changeing".
Dash: Evolving, even!
Fallen: What? Oh, fuck, press B! PRESS B!
Havoc's, leg's are replaced with long metal chicken bent leg's. And his arm's replaced by big long metal spindaly arm's with long bent finger's. His chest replaced by rocket launcher's and a jet cockpit. And his shoulders replaced by jet intake's. And his pegasus wing's are replaced by long thin fighter jet wing's with jet engine's on them.
Fallen: If RawHavoc’s blog post is to be believed... this is supposed to take the form of filmverse Starscream. One of the bulkiest and most ridiculous designs they ever had for a Transformer. There are so many more menacing jet-based Transformers to steal from, and he just goes for the one that turned into the only plane he could name off the top of his head at the time.
The change was complete Havoc, has now become Thorn. Luna was hurt and scared. She's never seen a alicorn this powerful before.
All: THAT’S THE PROBLEM!
Thorn shout's. "YOUR ALL MINE YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!!!!".
Fallen: You collect shit? Even though it’s worthless? Ew.
The changling king is up for another round and fires another beam. Thorn dodge's. the beam missing Thorn. Generating a shockwave that break's mountain's.
Dash: But you know, the major damage to the land around them isn’t as important as the fight that’s happening right now.
the two warrior's are locked into a battle of strengh and superiority. Havoc transform's into his jet form. And then suddenly a extream burst of flame's and air mixed together causing a shockwave making Havoc's jet form rocket toward the king. Havoc hit's the king with the nose of his jet form.
Fallen: It’s a battle of Gary Stus. Otherwise the king would’ve been obliterated by getting rammed into by a jet.
Havoc fire's his caox cannon at the roof of the church blowing a hole through it. Luna follow's to give Havoc surpport if he need's it. Luna land's on the roof she can't see anything through the fire and smoke. Luna hear's a roar of thunder rocket past her.
Dash: Oh, COME ON, Derpy!
Then a crack and snap sounded behind her. Luna turn's around only to see Havoc coming toward her. Mysterious light's fire out of Havoc's jet fusearlarge.
Fallen: That’s SO fucking annoying. It’s spelled “fuselage.” How’d you even get THAT!?
Luna run's for cover behind a huge slab of concrete. And the a roar of a explosen cracked the church roof. Luna look's to see if everything is finished.
AJ: All the decorations were finally up, and the party could start whenever she was ready.
She peak's her head around the corner of the concrete slab. Only to quickly move her head behind the slab. The king is thrown against the wall really hard.
AJ: Like, really, REALLY hard?
Fallen: That is easily one of the most important descriptors to avoid in literature EVER.
Luna look's into the blaze of fire and smoke again. She see's a out line of a gigantic robot. the smoke clear's only to show Havoc in his robot form looking in her direaction. Sundenly Luna is taken histage by the king.
Fallen: I hope you appreciate this, people. I’m breaking up the most frustrating wall of text I’ve seen in a long time to do this. It hurts me to even look at it.
"If you want to kill me you're going to have to kill you're first love" said the king of the changeling's with a smirk on his face.
Fallen: I hope you appreciate this, people. I’m breaking up the most frustrating wall of text I’ve seen in a long time to do this. It hurts me to even look at it.
Havoc raise's his arm revealing a gatling gun. "Havoc.... please...no" Luna said with fear in her eye's.
Dash: I can so see him just doing it.
The barrel's on Havoc's gun start to spin. "HAVOC!!!!!...PLEASE!!!!!....NO!!!!!" Luna shouted once more. The ground start's to crack.
Fallen: If the planet’s transforming into Unicron, I fucking quit.
"What the....". The ground give's way under the king and Luna. They both fall to the ground beneth them with a thud. The sound of metal hitting the ground get's closer as the king and Luna lay the with no help.
Fallen: You are being SUCH a dick to the mare you’re arbitrarily supposed to love now.
The out line of Havoc's robot form apper's in the smoke. Suddenly a loud crack of gun fire echo's through the church hall. Luna looked to her left there layed the king of the changeling's dead from the bullet Havoc shot at him.
All: …
Dash: The princesses couldn’t do that together...
AJ: But Havoc did it on his own.
Fallen: YOU CAN’T FUCKING DO THAT, HAVOC!
Luna then break's free of the rubble covering her.
Now the battle was won.
Dash: Even though I feel like I lost.
Havoc turn's back into his alicorn form and take's some step's forward. Then he fall's to his knee's and then falling to the floor lost to the darkness. Luna run's over to Havoc with tear's in her eye's
AJ: Ah hate that the story made Luna weak enough to have to crawl to him for comfort.
Fallen: It’s not weak in and of itself, but... no, yeah, in this context it’s just pathetic.
(18 hour's later)
Havoc, find's himself In a room he look's down he has his hand's back. He remove's the cover's on the bed. He notice's he is back in his human form.
Fallen: Wait, human as in HUMAN or human as in giant humanoid robot? Because if it’s just human... oh god, this character’s more hopeless than I thought.
Luna walk's in. "So I see you're awake".
Havoc, turn's around turning back into his alicorn form.
Fallen: See? If I’m right, then it stopped being Transformers and just turned into Animorphs.
Luna give's a light giggle and say's. "Come on you're going to miss you're welcoming ceremony".
Havoc, and Luna walk out of the room together. Side by side.
(Before the welcoming ceremony started)
Dash: FOR THE LOVE OF-
AJ: It’s the last stupid transition, sugarcube. Let it go.
AS THE SUN SET AND THE MOON RISIED.
Fallen: And hello, retarded capslock epilogue.
I LOOKED AT THE SETTING SUN AND ATOM. STANDING NEXT TO ME. AND IT REMINDED ME OF WHAT I GAINED I AND I LOOKED BACK INTO THE SKY. AND THE STAR'S ARE COMING OUT AND I LOOKED BACK AT ATOM, AND I MISSED HAVING FRIEND'S BY MY SIDE.
Dash: WHAT!? Why are they friends now!?
Fallen: Because of the reason. Seriously, how have you not learned that by now?
AND FOR LUNA MY HEART REMAIN'S WITH HER IVE NEVER FELT LOVE NORE ANY EFFECTION LIKE THIS FOR ANYTHING
Fallen: Except for random acts of violence, unparalleled douchebaggery, and serial murder.
BUT NOW THAT I HAVE ATOM BY MY SIDE AND LUNA TO LOVE AND PROTECT. I THINK I CAN HANDLE ANYTHING THE WORLD THROW'S AT ME
Dash: AND THAT’S WHY YOUR CHARACTER’S SO BORING TO READ ABOUT!
Fallen: I can’t believe this was made... but we’re done at last.
AJ: Got anymore tips for the author, Fallen?
Dash: I’d just tell him to quit writing.
Fallen: Oh, stop it. I think all the rage should be enough of a message to last him a good, long time. I’m shocked no one else would brave this before me. Not alone, at least.
AJ: “Alone” nothin’. We were here with ya this whole time!
Fallen: And I’m positive you regret every second of it.
AJ: Boy, do ah.
Dash: I think my brain just killed itself.
Fallen: That tends to happen, yeah. This isn’t an experience, it’s a trial. It’s not viewed, it’s inflicted. You can’t enjoy it; you can only suffer through it.
Dash: And you can’t fix it. How have you not given up on him, Fallen?
Fallen: Because RawHavoc’s total 180 of attitude is a testament of the Train Wreck Explorers’ growth and influence. He wasn’t just bad, he was STUBBORNLY bad. Just like FelixDawn, who’s easily the absolute worst of the bunch.
Pinkie: (from TV) Ooh, did you hear? Felix actually put out-
Fallen: Yet another shitty Spike-shipping story, I know. But RawHavoc went back, saw what people were actually saying, saw how he’d responded in turn, and felt bad enough to come back and ask for help. And the good people at TWE accepted gladly. Speaking of, maybe I should see if any of the other guys would give me a boost with the third version of this story. I don’t think this is a one-man job...
AJ: Ain’t it a two-man job with RawHavoc, anyway?
Fallen: Do you WANT to read the story again?
AJ: Please no...
Fallen: Exactly. He wants help, so I’ll see what I can do to get him as much of it as possible.
Pinkie: That’s so nice of you, Primey!
Dash: It... actually is, kind of. I really didn’t think you had that in you.
Fallen: ...didn’t I already say I did almost this exact same thing twice before? During the marathon?
Dash: I like to imagine we never went through the marathon.
AJ: Why? Ah don’t even think anythin’ in there was as bad as this.
Fallen: In terms of quality, no, but content... (shudders)
Pinkie: Well, that’s that! You girls made it okay, right?
AJ: Doesn’t feel like it.
Dash: Seriously. Brain. Suicide.
Fallen: Come off it. At least she didn’t make us read “The Brothel” again.
Dash: That’s different and you know it!
Pinkie: That was just as much as fun as always! Dashie, hit the button!
Dash: ...I’m still in the armory.
Pinkie: Oops! Silly me! I’ll just have to-
(Pinkie pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Dash: I’d just tell him to quit writing.
Fallen: Oh, stop it. I think all the rage should be enough of a message to last him a good, long time. I’m shocked no one else would brave this before me. Not alone, at least.
AJ: “Alone” nothin’. We were here with ya this whole time!
Fallen: And I’m positive you regret every second of it.
AJ: Boy, do ah.
Dash: I think my brain just killed itself.
Fallen: That tends to happen, yeah. This isn’t an experience, it’s a trial. It’s not viewed, it’s inflicted. You can’t enjoy it; you can only suffer through it.
Dash: And you can’t fix it. How have you not given up on him, Fallen?
Fallen: Because RawHavoc’s total 180 of attitude is a testament of the Train Wreck Explorers’ growth and influence. He wasn’t just bad, he was STUBBORNLY bad. Just like FelixDawn, who’s easily the absolute worst of the bunch.
Pinkie: (from TV) Ooh, did you hear? Felix actually put out-
Fallen: Yet another shitty Spike-shipping story, I know. But RawHavoc went back, saw what people were actually saying, saw how he’d responded in turn, and felt bad enough to come back and ask for help. And the good people at TWE accepted gladly. Speaking of, maybe I should see if any of the other guys would give me a boost with the third version of this story. I don’t think this is a one-man job...
AJ: Ain’t it a two-man job with RawHavoc, anyway?
Fallen: Do you WANT to read the story again?
AJ: Please no...
Fallen: Exactly. He wants help, so I’ll see what I can do to get him as much of it as possible.
Pinkie: That’s so nice of you, Primey!
Dash: It... actually is, kind of. I really didn’t think you had that in you.
Fallen: ...didn’t I already say I did almost this exact same thing twice before? During the marathon?
Dash: I like to imagine we never went through the marathon.
AJ: Why? Ah don’t even think anythin’ in there was as bad as this.
Fallen: In terms of quality, no, but content... (shudders)
Pinkie: Well, that’s that! You girls made it okay, right?
AJ: Doesn’t feel like it.
Dash: Seriously. Brain. Suicide.
Fallen: Come off it. At least she didn’t make us read “The Brothel” again.
Dash: That’s different and you know it!
Pinkie: That was just as much as fun as always! Dashie, hit the button!
Dash: ...I’m still in the armory.
Pinkie: Oops! Silly me! I’ll just have to-
(Pinkie pushes the button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
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