Glitch Riffs 1: The Tails of Spike's Harem
Okay, here we go... I tried to keep the Author character as *in* character as possible, but every time I try to write his dialog, it came out as mine, so I just switched him for someone else. I’m not good (or funny) enough to write Author style jokes, so I went the cheap way out. I chose this story because it’s... special, to say the least. It does almost every single thing wrong that you can do in a fanfiction all rolled into one. The entire time I’m reading it, I was hoping that this was a joke. And it has over 40 likes and maybe 5 dislikes. Are they in on the joke, or something? Anyway, this was the worst thing I’ve read, and I’ve read nearly every infamous MLP fanfiction on this site (and a few on other sites). It’s not bad in the sense of ‘Cupcakes’ or ‘Rarity’s Generous Plan’. No, it’s bad because I can’t read most of it. You’ll see what I mean. This fanfic has it all; Grammar issues, misused homophones, expository lumps, random speech patterns’ etc. Get ready! Were about to dive in!
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Author: Okay, how about Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie get in a sort of prank war with an OC whose special talent *is* pranks?
Rarity: Better, but do people like OC’s now?
Author: Scratch that one then. Okay, how about Twilight, with her friends of course, find an old relic at a museum/hotel/resort on display, and she wants to study it to see if the dark legend around it is true, and all Tartarus breaks lose?
Twilight: Wouldn’t that just be a … what did you call it? A ‘Silent Hole’ rip off?
Author: That’s ‘Silent Hill,’ and you’re right…
(Doors slam shut and locks itself as Pinkies face appears on the monitor.)
Author: Right on cue, I guess.
Twilight: You’d think we would figure out this would happen.
Rarity: We *really* need to pick a better location next time. Hopefully one that doesn’t have a giant screen-
Pinkie: [from TV] Ahem-
Rarity: Oh, sorry Pinkie dear. Go on with what you were going to say.
Pinkie :[from TV] Hm? Oh, I just had a popcorn kernel in my throat. Carry on.
Twilight: But, uh, you called us, Pinkie.
Pinkie: [from TV] I did? [a beat passes] Oh, I did, didn’t I? How silly of me to forget! So, anyway, this next prank in about how Spike get’s a harem and-
Author: I’m out.
Rarity: Yes, so am I.
Twilight: Wait, you can do that? I didn’t know we could.
Pinkie: [from TV] Only if you signed in who would be replacing you, and- didn’t you read the contract?
Twilight: There was a contract?
Rainbow Dash:[from TV] Well, yeah Twilight. Didn’t you get that letter I sent you?
Twilight: I thought that was a prank, like it would spray ink on my face, not something that gets me out of here when I need too.
Rainbow Dash: [from TV] Oh, it was both. Pinkies idea. Well, I’ll just go and take Rarity' place for this one.
Twilight: So, if you're Rarity’s spotter, then who’s Author's?
Author: Oh, it’s just another guy. I call him Anon. HEY ANON, GET OVER HERE!
Rarity: Isn’t he the temp you have clean this place? You know, from us killing you and all the vomit?
Author: Thanks for the exposition there, Rarity. Oh, hey, here he is now.
Anon: Uh, what’s going on-
Author: Save it for the fanfic [shoves Anon to his seat] Okay, now that’s done here, how about some lunch, Rare? [notices she’s long gone] Oh. Well, then. Sorry, Twilight. I’ll get you another copy of the contract later, okay? Bye! [runs and dives out a window]
Pinkie: [from TV] Oh, that silly Author, I would’ve opened the door for him. Is everypony (and Anon) ready?
Rainbow Dash: Ready!
Twilight: [rolls eyes] I guess…
Anon: Uh… what?
*BUZZ*
ALL: We’ve got story sign!
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The Tails of Spike's Harem
Twilight: You can tell we're in for a wild ride when the author uses the wrong “Tails”.
Rainbow Dash: It might be a pun, but given how badly this is written, that would be giving the author too much credit.
Anon: Oh, I've skimmed this one before. The chapter before this one gives away the “plot” for every chapter, and he plans to do over thirty of them, so there’s no real reason for anyone to read this.
Rainbow Dash: What about you?
Anon: I’m just dumb.
Twilight: Wow, that’s… honest, I guess.
by beirirangu
Chapter: Prologue"So what is the Celebration for?" Twilight asked, walking happily next to the princess as they strolled through the grand hallway leading to the ball room where Prince Blueblood was scrutinusly making final perporations for the party.
Anon: [gasp] Sorry, I ran here. [pant] Give me a minute…
"It's nothing too formal," Celestia responded in her usual calm, polite and royal demeanor. "He simply wanted a celebration for his graduation of his most recent college class."
Twilight: He’s majoring in Smugness and douche -bagery.
"Oh? What was he studying?"
Rainbow Dash: Psychology and cake phobias.
"It was his last core class, Literature if i'm not mistaken.
Anon: And Celestia gets hit with the “Derp Beam” (patent pending).
But he still has a few months before he's actually done with his studies." Celestia answered in a slightly amused tone as they opened the door and helped finish the last of the preparations.
Anon: When will the writer figure out the existence of the comma key?
The party itself was rather festive compared to most held in the castle,
Twilight: But there hasn’t been any crumbling pillars and animal eating… yet.
but still most elegant and formal. The guests enjoyed themselves a bit too much because one of the chefs accidentally spiked the punch by switching one of the many unlabled bottles in the kitchen.
Rainbow Dash: Why would there be unlabeled bottles in the kitchen in the first place?
Twilight: I just hope it’s not the rat poison.
Anon: And if it is, serve some to Blueblood.
Nearing the end of the party, Twilight was hammered, obviously not sober enough to remember anything the next day but still able to carry on a decent conversation with the princess who had only gotten slightly buzzed by this point.
Anon: Man, take a breath between sentences. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not that smart.
"...So ai told 'im that 'e needs to mov' fathter, 'e's got da taime to... complain." Twilight finished with a quite hard slur.
Twilight: Really? I didn’t even notice. “My” drunken stupor is on par with the rest of the writing.
Celestia just giggled not only at her statement,
Anon: Until she noticed Twilight’s face was painfully contorting, and her body was spazing out. Then, suddenly, Twilight fell to the floor in a heap. She closed her eyes for the last time.
Rainbow Dash: Her last words were “GAAAHHHH-CKUG!”
but her slur and obvious drunkardness,
Twilight; Oh, so we’re just making up words now? Here, let me try. [ahem] This fic is stupedarted.
"Yes, but he's so small. I didn't think he could move that fast every time you have a stody session. I bet he can bairly keep up with you most of the time."
Anon: And Celestia’s *not* drunk. Let that sink in. How does this have over 30 thumbs ups, again?
Twilight: There’s no quality control, I guess. But what do you expect from a place where rape fics are defended?
Twilight drunkenly snickered at the thought of what Celestia said, "oh, 'e's got ah fiew triks o' 'is oun..." She leaned over to Celestia, whispering as discreetly as she could, "wen 'e gets down to it..." Twilight snickered, "'e maks me cum with 'is tonge 'arder then iu can emagin!"
Anon: [Holding back the bile] Oh, here we go… let me just keep *this* handy. [grabs a 10 gallon bucket]
Rainbow Dash: [looks over to Anon] Author has a stomach of steel, you know.
Needless to say, the princess was shocked to hear her student talk about something like that with her assistant, she always thought he was more like a brother or a son then a lover of Twilight,
Rainbow Dash: But that makes too much sense.
but then again dragons do mature a lot faster then most creatures, even if their size dosen't.
Anon: Those dragons from “[url=http://quest]Dragon Quest[/url]” say otherwise.
It had been a few moments before the princess could reply, "Twilight, I..." She was cut short by Twilight's snoozing, Celestia smiled full heartingly
Twilight: That sounds… painful.
and used her magic to levitate her and bring her to one of the many guest rooms in the castle,
Anon: Celestia just flung Twilight through some walls, right into bed I guess. Who knew Celestia was into backyard wrestling?
Rainbow Dash: That’s an actual thing? I would be *so* in!
telling the guards that when she is to be awakened, it was to be most gently and silently as she will have a hangover.
Rainbow Dash: When will Celestia figure out that those are *statues*? The guards are busy getting hammered with the rat poison from earlier.
As she made her way to her own quarters, she was thinking rather hevily about Spike and Twilight,
Anon: Trying desperately to figure out where she went wrong with those two, how her student was now a perverted foalphile, and how to quickly fix this mess?
Twilight: And trying to figure a way to put the blame on Discord somehow.
talking under her breath, "was what she was saying true? Was he truely able to make her cum with only his tonge's work as hard as she claims? I must investigat the matter."
Anon: You’ve been hitting the fermented cider a bit heavily, Celestia. I’m cutting you off.
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: I’ll tell [hic] *you* when I have had … I can smell the colors… How long [hic] have I been a horse?
She said, shocking herself that she said that, but more intrigued that she was enjoying the thought of doing such a thing.
Anon: Why? Couldn’t she just magic up something that would beat Spike’s tongue? … What the hell did I just say?
Twilight: [to Anon] You’re thinking too hard about this. Take it easy.
The next morning, Twilight had woken up to see that she had slept in the guest room of the castle like many times before, only this morning she had a splitting headache and no memory of the previous night.
Twilight: Uhg… did I spout out some stupid fan fiction plot last night? I hope the princess doesn’t take it seriously…
One of the guards pocked his head into her room as soon as she woken up,
Anon: “Here’s Johnny!”
Rainbow Dash: And right through the door, too. Those guards are tough.
saying polightly and quietly, "Good morning miss Twilight, The Princess has requested your company for breakfast when you are awake and able.
She groaned still partialy asleep and hong over,
Twilight: Sir, why are you narrating what I’m doing? Wow, I must still be drunk…
"thank you, let her know that I shall be down in a few minutes, after i freshen up."
Twilight: Right after I figure out how to use the Shift key, otherwise I’ll sound like an idiot.
Anon: Oh, you *don’t* normally sound like [Twilight gives Anon the death glare] like… uh… [to Rainbow] Help me out here!
Rainbow Dash: He says he’s sorry [Twilight smiles a bit, Anon wipes his brow], and he’ll show his gratitude by buying lunch for both of us [Twilight claps her hooves together].
Anon: You two had that planed, didn’t you?
Twilight and Rainbow Dash: [innocently] Maybe…
The guard nodded and left while Twilight was scrapping together what had happened, the last thing she remembered was walking together with the princess to the party,
Rainbow Dash: Twilight was talking to the party about Celestia?
Anon: Was this translated from an alien language?
then waking up. Grounging up and fixong her hair, batteling the pains in her head, she finally made her way to the dinning room where Celestia was enjoying some oat pancakes with sliced apples and bananas. "Good morning princess."
Anon: Should my eyes be bleeding? I feel like they shouldn’t.
Celestia hadn't noticed Twilight enter,
Rainbow Dash: The princess was too busy ramming her head against the wall to prepare herself for the rest of this fanfic.
she turned and smiled greatly, gently replying, "good morning Twilight. I hope you will stay and enjoy the meal, I would imagine you need the aliment after last night's festivities."
Rainbow Dash: Celestia didn’t notice Twilight entering, and that’s why she turned around to talk to her?
Anon: Now my nose is bleeding. That’s not right.
"Twilight was confused by the statement but replied quickly,
Twilight: Okay, who’s talking?
Rainbow Dash: And where is everypony else?
Anon: And who are you two?
"actually, speaking of last night..." She was interupted by her stomach growling, followed by her embarasment and light chuckeling, "I guess it can wait until after breakfast."
Anon: Suddenly, she feels pressure in her stomach, and it was then too late that she realized that the face hugger from the party wasn’t an ambassador.
They both enjoyed a fine meal together along with a portion of the staff,
Anon: They ate the staff?! All of them?!
Rainbow Dash: Maybe it was magic talking staff that won’t have any lines?
Twilight: That would make it the best character so far.
the princess had always enjoyed the company of others when they were relaxed, 'and where not more relaxed then enjoying a meal after waking up in the morning?'
Anon: Celestia: And if they’re not happy, it’s off to FimFiction with them.
she often thought. "So how is your meal? Is it not delightful?"
"Oh it is most exquisit, but i can't help but miss the meals Spike makes for me every morning."
Celestia chuckled, "yes, the best meals are the ones you eat with the ones you love."
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: This is why I eat with all my staff. I *really* love my staff. Oh, and I like the ponies that work here, too.
Twilight almost gagged,
Anon: She realized what kind if tripe she’s in. And she knows she can’t do anything about it. She sheds a single tear.
but maintained her composure trying not to give too much away. "What do you mean by that?"
"Oh i meant that you two had been together for so long it's as if you two had become family."
Twilight: It’s almost like I hatched him or something.
"Speaking of Spike, did you let him know..."
"Yes, i sent him a message last night, there is no need to worry."
Anon: Celestia: He’s written back that he’s busy with something called “Riffing.” Kids these days, am I right?
"That's good." Twilight replied pleasently as they finished their meal. The rest of the day was more typical of Twilight comming to the castle to learn rather then a study session that the princess called Twilight to have,
Anon: I’ve read that several times over, and I *still* don’t know much of… anything anymore. Maybe it’s too deep for me.
Twilight: If we had a week, I could tell you why and how that sentence doesn’t work in any way.
they had even played a few games
Rainbow Dash: It was *really* interesting, so we won’t be hearing about it.
when Twilight wasn't too deep in her reading, having mostly forgotten about the party and pushed the nessessity of it aside.
Anon: Now my left eye is twitching, and my right hand is trying to strangle me. My body is trying to kill me so I can stop torturing it by reading this horror.
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] We’ve really got to toughen you up.
Anon: I can handle most stories, but not the ones where they don’t know what ‘Spell Check’ is. It’s like he went out of his way to make this unreadable.
Twilight: I’m just hoping that this was just all a joke. I can hope, right?
It wasn't until around six when Twilight made her way home, appologising for the mess she had made with the books while studying, "hey Twilight! Long time no see." Spike said happily as he joined her stroll back to their home.
Rainbow Dash: Dear Celestia, she just *appeared* at the library in the middle of a sentence!
Anon: Not even a teleportation spell, she just was *there* all of a sudden. Did she have ‘No Clip’ on?
"Woah! Hey there Spike, i didn't expect you to be out."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: Uh, why are you talking like Cackle, Twilight?
"I was just getting some supplies before i went to go see Celestia."
"Oh? and what did she want to see you about?"
Anon: Spike: Something about a canon, bananas, and the moon.
"I'm not sure, she said in the letter she sent about you staying the night with her that she wanted to discuss something important with me when i could. I said i most likely could after you had gotten back, hoping i could come back and have my favorite snack before bed." Spike said in a seductive tone.
Twilight: What was Spike going to do to the snack that warranted that kind of tone?
Anon: And why wouldn’t Celestia just send a chariot for Spike? Or, right, this is a clop. No *wonder* “Romance Reports” is met with unwarranted praise if *this* is their competition.
"Ooh! Well let me have the supplies and go see what Celestia wants, I don't want a single second longer to wait for that." She replied smiling very hard
Rainbow Dash: So hard, in fact, that it broke her face in three places.
as she took the quils, parchments and inks that spike was carrying to watch Spike run off in the direction she was just comming from.
Twilight: Just picture that as it’s written. It’s quite hilarious.
'I've got to get the bandage, he just loves it when the juices build while i think about it,' Twilight thought to herself.
Anon: I don’t think I want to know what the hell that’s supposed to mean.
It wasn't for a few minutes before Spike made his way to the castle, and still another ten before he had found where Celestia was to meet him. "You wanted to see my Princess?"
Rainbow Dash: Wow, Spike must be fast! He just walked from the library from Ponyville right to the room in the castle in less than five minutes!
Anon: He must do some serious cardio. Who knew gems gave you super speed?
Rainbow Dash: [ponders for a bit] Nah, not worth it.
"Yes, Spike." The princess said rather nervously in the hall in front of both her personal quarters and her personal library.
Anon: Celestia: How am I going to break it to Spike that he’s adopted?
"So what did you want to talk about?" Spike asked as he made effort to open the door to the library.
"I, um... didn't want to talk with you in there." The princess said as she closed the door with her magic and opened the door to her room two doors down across the hall, just behind her.
Anon: Celestia open a door to close a door, then closed another door with her door magic door door door door door doordoordoor-
Twilight: [smacks the back of Anon’s head] Better?
Anon: Yeah, thanks for that Twidoor.
Twilight: [harsh sigh]
Spike blushed rather hard, he had never been inside of Celestia's bedroom, only glanced in when the servants were cleaning while he was walking past on his way to the library, "um... What is this all about?" asking nervously
"Come with me
Rainbow Dash: Please don’t sing…
and i will tell you," she said in a royal and proper tone
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: Ugah Boogah UGAH!!
as to distract herself from her rather obvious nervousness as she lead him into her bedroom and sat him down on her bed as she closed the door and sat becide him. "You know that Twilight and I were attending a party last night..."
Anon: Celestia: It ended up being a Lan party. I can *not* tell you how many times Twilight sniped me. I never knew what a camper she is.
Twilight: Well, I *did* camp once. Well, it was in my library, but it still counts.
"And Twilight had drunk too much of the punch that was spiked, she passed out and stayed the night then spent the day with you... what about it?" Spike asked, rushing to the point.
Anon: Dang, Spike, rude much?
Rainbow Dash: You’ve got somewhere to be, dude?
"Actually, she had mentioned something to me in her inebriated state..."
Spike almost jumped off the bed, replying in a rushed mannor, "wh... wh... what did she say?"
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: I don’t know how to tell you this, but [pause for dramatic effect] Twilight doesn’t like to have three scoops of sugar in her tea. She prefers just two.
Twilight: Spike: [dramatic] NO~!
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: Don’t worry, Spike, we’ll get through this!
"She mentioned your skill with your tongue."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: So I’m good at accents, what of it?
Anon: Celestia: Could you read “The Hobbit” as Big Mac?
"You mean she talking about us practicing kissing?!" Spike proclaimed, hoping to deture the most likely conversation.
Twilight: Spike: I didn’t mean to do *that* with Smarty Pants!
"Not exactly..." Celestia mentioned, jestering that it was not her mouth he was kissing.
Anon: What kinds of jester would that… You know what, never mind.
Twilight: Yeah, it’s for the best that you *didn’t* know.
"Oh..." He replied with a sorrowful tone, expecting to get punished, "what are you going to do to me?"
"Well i'm not sure... but i would like a demonstration."
"OH PLEASE DON'T PUNISH... Wait! WHAT?!" he replied, just catching what she was saying.
Anon: [pulls bucket closer to himself, holding it like it’s his newborn baby] Here we go…
Twilight and Rainbow Dash: [roll eyes]
"well..." Celestia started, not sure how to word it, "well durring the party, she had said that your skills with your tongue makes her cum harder then she thought she could..." She stated almost rbotically, trying to say it without drawing it out longer.
Anon: Celestia’s an automaton! Aha, I knew it!
Twilight: This fanfic was written by Discord. That’s the only way this makes sense.
"She said that? but what did you call me here for?"
She blushed hard, turning her entire face from it's normal white glistening coat into a cherry red plume of emotions,
Twilight: She exploded, ending this atrocity in its tracks.
"to be honest, i havn't had any in so long,
Anon: Yeah, because the princess couldn’t get any, so she’s now going to- I can’t say it! I’m such a failure…
Rainbow Dash: [completely dead pan] There there, Anon. It’s going to be okay, and stuff.
and hearing about you made me want to try... and i was hoping..." She started, trailling off and thinking he's going to reject her offer when he picked her face up in his claws and planted a deep kiss.
Rainbow Dash: So deep, that she accidentally crunched Spikes head off. The End!
Her eyes widened from the sudden action but calmly closed as the passion from their contact had made her feel more pleasure then she had in the past century,
Twilight: Really? From a baby dragon?
Anon: I thought alicorns and the like were creatures of purity. Oh well!
eminating from her mouth through her entire body. She could feel her mound slowly getting wet,
Rainbow Dash: She should really check her anthill collection. That shouldn’t be happening.
clenching with anticipation as her entire mouth was massaged by the invading tongue. She moans softly as her body becomes limp in his arms,
Anon: How does that even happen? Isn’t Spike, like, only one to two feet tall?
Twilight: I guess dragons are stretchy. Wait … that didn’t come out right.
falling gracefuly onto the bed still interlocked with spike, while he, having noticed her pleasant limpness,
Anon: Celestia really needs a new horn polisher.
has begun plans to move his way down. With a wimper, she softly proclaims under her breath, "don't stop," as Spike leaves her lips and licks the entire length of her body,
Rainbow Dash: Spikes going to have the mother of all hair balls.
being sure to stop at pleasureable areas for some extra attention.
Rainbow Dash: Like her eye balls and her left hoof.
Anon: But not the right one! Knowing the difference will save your life!
Playfully licking around each of her nipples before lightly sucking on them one at a time as he made his way down to her open legs, massaging the muscles around her vulva as he finished with her last nipple.
Anon: [mouth swells up with bile] Excuse me a minute…
Twilight: You okay?
Anon: Yeah, I figured that my vomit can rise very high, but I can still tap it down.
Rainbow Dash: Keep a hold of that skill. I think it’s going to become useful later on.
He didn't start on her pussy right away,
Anon: What the heck is Opal doing here?
he knew better, she was rusty and sensative, he started by kissing around, dragging his tongue softly as he made his way to the prise,
Rainbow Dash: Her giant cake she prepared earlier that she wanted Spike to eat?
Twilight: Well, she *is* rusty at baking, and is a bit sensitive about-
her clit.
Twilight: Oh, should have known.
He had noticed whenever he licked that one bump on Twilight, she would say that it felt amazing, and each night she would beg him to lick there again,
Anon: Unfortunately, Spike was actually tonguing a pimple Twilight had. She’s got some weird kinks. [Prepares for Twilight to smack him, but nothing happens] Wait, wha-
Twilight: Oh, you’re still here?
Anon: [just a bit crestfallen] Oh, nothing…
eventually getting good enough not even need to look for it, but he only grazes it for now, letting her moans deepen only momentarily as he uses his entire tongue's length to slide from the bottom of her slit over her clit.
Rainbow Dash: Then, Spike licked Celestia.
Her moans were borderline hearable outside when he made his way inside of her with his magical tongue, not just licking around, but trirling as his lips suckled the entire mound and the very tip of his upper lip grazed her clit magnificently.
Anon: Spike learned this technique when he was whipping his tongue around like a helicopter blade. He actually got airborne.
Unbeknownst to Spike, Celestia was forced to use her magic to make a ball gag to stop herself from screeming in pleasure and possibly allerting the guards
Twilight: Why didn’t she just sound proof the place with her magic?
Anon: Why is every character in any clop fic always so stupid and broken?
Rainbow Dash: Because it’s clop.
Anon: That explains everything!
as he edged her closer and closer to orgasm before kicking down the pleasure to build it up even more, nearly throwing her over the edge many times over before finally finishing the job and setting her off in the biggest orgasm she could ever remember.
Rainbow Dash: Well, not as good as the time when she binged on that cake eating contest that she hold’s for herself every week, but it was a close second.
"How was that?"
Anon: Celestia: Huh? What was what? Sorry, I was daydreaming. When did you get here?
Spike proclaimed as he came up after her orgasm subsided. She tried to say something, but it was blocked by the gag too much to tell what she said. "What was that?"
She used her magic to slide off the gag and tried again while smiling pleasently,
Anon: Celestia then pulls off her face. Turns out, she’s actually a dinosaur werewolf from Mars!!
Rainbow Dash: DUN DUN DUUUUN!
"It was just as Twilight said, better then I could've imagined."
Twilight: Celestia: That book she lent me, that is.
"Is that why you had the thing on?" Pointing to the ball gag Celestia threw on the bed.
Embarassed, she replies bashfuly, "yes, i had to, to stop myself from yelling too loudly."
Twilight: Yes, please tell us things we already know. We want this padded out even further.
"So you're NOT into that?" Spike asked inquisitively.
"To be honest," she started with some emberasment in her tone. "I wouldn't say i'm not, but more that i've never done any..."
"Well let's not get ahead of ourselves..."
Anon: I would like to think that the author would be above that kind of pun, but I doubt that was intentionally.
"Very true Spike. Lets just start at the beginning."
"Missionary?"
Anon: Spike: You mean “Missionary Hill”? Never saw that show.
"Yes, have you already done it with Twilight?"
"Tried, but it's too small to do anything but rub her..."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: I was never good at the Shuffle…
After a moment of thinking and comforting Spike on his size, she calmly asks, "do you want me to fix that?"
"What do you mean?"
Anon: There are a lot of things I want to fix in this “story.”
Twilight: Is she going to neuter him?
She didn't respond any more then glowing her horn brightly, so much that Spike had to avert his eyes as Celestia leaned her horn down and touched his fully erect member, bairly noticable but still quite large considering his age (and his race)
Rainbow Dash: Why do you think we needed to know that, and why would we care?
. Her magic softened, letting the room go back to it's natural lighting. "How's that?"
Spike opened his eyes, and saw a dick like the one he had seen in the books Twilight was showing him about Dragon anatomy, "Woah! Is that mine?"
Anon: Spike: I’m really thankful, but why are my hands bigger?
Celestia chuckled, "it is now, I imbuned my magin into it. You can now controll how big it is, just by consentrating on it."
Rainbow Dash: Wow, imagine if she used “magic” instead of “magin”!
Twilight: Maybe she could fix this fanfic!
Anon: Way to waste your godlike abilities there, Celly.
"Wow," was the only thing he could say, then again, what could you say?
Rainbow Dash: How about “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!”?
"Now why don't we try it out?"
Anon: Celestia: Let me just get my pencil sharpener…
She said seductively, laying back down and waiting for spike to crawl up and take her. But Spike was paused,
Anon: I hate it when that happens. Where the hell is the remote?!
contemplating what he should do, should he take the princess and hurt twilight? should he not take her but somehow explain his growth? every scinario went into termoil.
Twilight: Not really. There’s a clear answer here, but considering that this is a clop, that’s not going to happen.
The princess however grew tired of waiting those few seconds, snapping him out of his consentration, "just come here and fuck me!"
Anon: And Celestia’s a rapist now. Okay then.
Twilight: [sarcastic] The characterization here is *so* spot on. I can *totally* see this happening.
Rainbow Dash: The same way I can see Rarity going crazy all of a sudden and setting up her friends to get raped.
Twilight: Genius.
Glowing her horn and pulling him forward, pearcing her slippery hole all the way to his hilt. He had never felt a pleasure so wonderful, every twitch she made squeezed his member into a tingeling sensation of which he could bairly contain while she had a similar reaction,
Anon: [Warm putrid feeling rising up his throat, an acidy bitter taste in all of his mouth, then a tingling and almost burning sensation left his throat and mouth after a chocking feeling.]
Twilight: Hey, you okay?
Rainbow Dash: Oh, he’s fine, aren’t you, big guy?
Anon: Getting… better… I guess…
not having a cock inside of her for many many years, even twitch felt like it was massaging her very core, only managing a few short strokes before climaxing. It had only been a few minutes since they started but they both had colapsed in exaustion on top of eachother.
Anon: I can’t hold it in anymore! [grabs bucket and runs to the back of the room]
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] Ha, you need a tougher stomach than that if you want to tackle these stories!
Twilight: [to Rainbow] Didn’t you do the same thing when we read “Trixies Magic Bit”?
Rainbow Dash: I keep telling you, it was the heat that got me.
Twilight: If you say so. [notices Anon’s back, already sitting down] Feel better?
Anon: [with pure hate] This “author” is worse at writing than the doctor who accidentally punched him for thirty minutes instead of giving him a circumcision.
Twilight: Whoa, were did *that* come from?
"That was amazing," celestia said through her heavy breathing.
"Yeah, it was..." Spike agreed, just as out of breath as her, "I had no idea it could be that good..."
Anon: [bitterly] If you’re going to “write” a story about characters having sex, “author”, it would help if you had any yourself. These garbage fanfics you make are inhumane attempts at population control.
Rainbow Dash: You’ve gone to a scary place, Anon. And I think I like it.
Twilight: Don’t encourage him, Rainbow. Were not supposed to address the author like that!
"Especially for our first times..." She said, looking at him sweetely.
"Our first times? I didn't know you were a virgin too?"
Twilight: So Spike *is* a self-insert character!
Anon: Following this fanfics logic is like watching a kid play baseball. If he simply picked one direction and ran that way, you probably wouldn't even notice that he's retarded.
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] Okay, now you’re just creeping me out.
She couldn't help but giggle, "Well i guess it was like my first time, not having any for so long. But i expect us to be doing this every now-and-again."
Rainbow Dash: Have you tried, I don’t know, dating, princess? Maybe set up a few profiles, tapes, something?
"I would love that." Spike smiled before leaning up to plant a kiss on her lips.
"I guess you should be going back to Twilight now..." Celestia commented, almost disapontingly as she noticed the clock on the dresser.
Anon: Celestia: I missed the first half of “Psych”…
Obviously disapointed, spike replies almost in shock, "THAT'S RIGHT! How am i going to explain my growth to her?"
"You can controll the size, just consentrate on the size you used to be, and she will be none the wiser..." She commented with a sinister grin.
Anon: So now Celestia is malicious *and* diabolical. I didn’t know that.
Twilight: If his growth is such a problem, why not just cancel the spell when he leaves and re-activate it when he comes back?
Anon: And couldn’t Spike just talk about his encounter with Celestia to Twilight, skip the sex part, and tell her that he’s now properly equipped and the princess sends both of them her blessing? I just don’t-
Rainbow Dash: You two are *really* over thinking this.
He consentrated, trying to remember the old small size of his half-flacid member, and magically his cock shrank, almost identical to before he came.
Anon: That’s why *pants* would be a good idea.
"Thank you princess," Spike said as he gave her a payful kiss. "I can't sait for you to see me again." wink ;)
Twilight: Using emoticons in any kind of medium means you lost, sorry.
---
Anon: There were some … flaws in this clop.
Rainbow Dash: That was *painful*. Are we done here, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: [from TV] Yep, doors open. See you guy’s later!
Twilight: Hey, Pinkie, we’re going to get some lunch, okay?
Pinkie Pie: [from TV] Lunch?! Be right there!
Anon: Great, because I- [door closes and locks only him in] uh… mares? Can I come too? [silence] Oh… okay… Hey, who’s going to hit the button? [all the lights turn off] Hello? [echo]
[TV goes off in a blink]
-------
Author: Okay, how about Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie get in a sort of prank war with an OC whose special talent *is* pranks?
Rarity: Better, but do people like OC’s now?
Author: Scratch that one then. Okay, how about Twilight, with her friends of course, find an old relic at a museum/hotel/resort on display, and she wants to study it to see if the dark legend around it is true, and all Tartarus breaks lose?
Twilight: Wouldn’t that just be a … what did you call it? A ‘Silent Hole’ rip off?
Author: That’s ‘Silent Hill,’ and you’re right…
(Doors slam shut and locks itself as Pinkies face appears on the monitor.)
Author: Right on cue, I guess.
Twilight: You’d think we would figure out this would happen.
Rarity: We *really* need to pick a better location next time. Hopefully one that doesn’t have a giant screen-
Pinkie: [from TV] Ahem-
Rarity: Oh, sorry Pinkie dear. Go on with what you were going to say.
Pinkie :[from TV] Hm? Oh, I just had a popcorn kernel in my throat. Carry on.
Twilight: But, uh, you called us, Pinkie.
Pinkie: [from TV] I did? [a beat passes] Oh, I did, didn’t I? How silly of me to forget! So, anyway, this next prank in about how Spike get’s a harem and-
Author: I’m out.
Rarity: Yes, so am I.
Twilight: Wait, you can do that? I didn’t know we could.
Pinkie: [from TV] Only if you signed in who would be replacing you, and- didn’t you read the contract?
Twilight: There was a contract?
Rainbow Dash:[from TV] Well, yeah Twilight. Didn’t you get that letter I sent you?
Twilight: I thought that was a prank, like it would spray ink on my face, not something that gets me out of here when I need too.
Rainbow Dash: [from TV] Oh, it was both. Pinkies idea. Well, I’ll just go and take Rarity' place for this one.
Twilight: So, if you're Rarity’s spotter, then who’s Author's?
Author: Oh, it’s just another guy. I call him Anon. HEY ANON, GET OVER HERE!
Rarity: Isn’t he the temp you have clean this place? You know, from us killing you and all the vomit?
Author: Thanks for the exposition there, Rarity. Oh, hey, here he is now.
Anon: Uh, what’s going on-
Author: Save it for the fanfic [shoves Anon to his seat] Okay, now that’s done here, how about some lunch, Rare? [notices she’s long gone] Oh. Well, then. Sorry, Twilight. I’ll get you another copy of the contract later, okay? Bye! [runs and dives out a window]
Pinkie: [from TV] Oh, that silly Author, I would’ve opened the door for him. Is everypony (and Anon) ready?
Rainbow Dash: Ready!
Twilight: [rolls eyes] I guess…
Anon: Uh… what?
*BUZZ*
ALL: We’ve got story sign!
------
The Tails of Spike's Harem
Twilight: You can tell we're in for a wild ride when the author uses the wrong “Tails”.
Rainbow Dash: It might be a pun, but given how badly this is written, that would be giving the author too much credit.
Anon: Oh, I've skimmed this one before. The chapter before this one gives away the “plot” for every chapter, and he plans to do over thirty of them, so there’s no real reason for anyone to read this.
Rainbow Dash: What about you?
Anon: I’m just dumb.
Twilight: Wow, that’s… honest, I guess.
by beirirangu
Chapter: Prologue"So what is the Celebration for?" Twilight asked, walking happily next to the princess as they strolled through the grand hallway leading to the ball room where Prince Blueblood was scrutinusly making final perporations for the party.
Anon: [gasp] Sorry, I ran here. [pant] Give me a minute…
"It's nothing too formal," Celestia responded in her usual calm, polite and royal demeanor. "He simply wanted a celebration for his graduation of his most recent college class."
Twilight: He’s majoring in Smugness and douche -bagery.
"Oh? What was he studying?"
Rainbow Dash: Psychology and cake phobias.
"It was his last core class, Literature if i'm not mistaken.
Anon: And Celestia gets hit with the “Derp Beam” (patent pending).
But he still has a few months before he's actually done with his studies." Celestia answered in a slightly amused tone as they opened the door and helped finish the last of the preparations.
Anon: When will the writer figure out the existence of the comma key?
The party itself was rather festive compared to most held in the castle,
Twilight: But there hasn’t been any crumbling pillars and animal eating… yet.
but still most elegant and formal. The guests enjoyed themselves a bit too much because one of the chefs accidentally spiked the punch by switching one of the many unlabled bottles in the kitchen.
Rainbow Dash: Why would there be unlabeled bottles in the kitchen in the first place?
Twilight: I just hope it’s not the rat poison.
Anon: And if it is, serve some to Blueblood.
Nearing the end of the party, Twilight was hammered, obviously not sober enough to remember anything the next day but still able to carry on a decent conversation with the princess who had only gotten slightly buzzed by this point.
Anon: Man, take a breath between sentences. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not that smart.
"...So ai told 'im that 'e needs to mov' fathter, 'e's got da taime to... complain." Twilight finished with a quite hard slur.
Twilight: Really? I didn’t even notice. “My” drunken stupor is on par with the rest of the writing.
Celestia just giggled not only at her statement,
Anon: Until she noticed Twilight’s face was painfully contorting, and her body was spazing out. Then, suddenly, Twilight fell to the floor in a heap. She closed her eyes for the last time.
Rainbow Dash: Her last words were “GAAAHHHH-CKUG!”
but her slur and obvious drunkardness,
Twilight; Oh, so we’re just making up words now? Here, let me try. [ahem] This fic is stupedarted.
"Yes, but he's so small. I didn't think he could move that fast every time you have a stody session. I bet he can bairly keep up with you most of the time."
Anon: And Celestia’s *not* drunk. Let that sink in. How does this have over 30 thumbs ups, again?
Twilight: There’s no quality control, I guess. But what do you expect from a place where rape fics are defended?
Twilight drunkenly snickered at the thought of what Celestia said, "oh, 'e's got ah fiew triks o' 'is oun..." She leaned over to Celestia, whispering as discreetly as she could, "wen 'e gets down to it..." Twilight snickered, "'e maks me cum with 'is tonge 'arder then iu can emagin!"
Anon: [Holding back the bile] Oh, here we go… let me just keep *this* handy. [grabs a 10 gallon bucket]
Rainbow Dash: [looks over to Anon] Author has a stomach of steel, you know.
Needless to say, the princess was shocked to hear her student talk about something like that with her assistant, she always thought he was more like a brother or a son then a lover of Twilight,
Rainbow Dash: But that makes too much sense.
but then again dragons do mature a lot faster then most creatures, even if their size dosen't.
Anon: Those dragons from “[url=http://quest]Dragon Quest[/url]” say otherwise.
It had been a few moments before the princess could reply, "Twilight, I..." She was cut short by Twilight's snoozing, Celestia smiled full heartingly
Twilight: That sounds… painful.
and used her magic to levitate her and bring her to one of the many guest rooms in the castle,
Anon: Celestia just flung Twilight through some walls, right into bed I guess. Who knew Celestia was into backyard wrestling?
Rainbow Dash: That’s an actual thing? I would be *so* in!
telling the guards that when she is to be awakened, it was to be most gently and silently as she will have a hangover.
Rainbow Dash: When will Celestia figure out that those are *statues*? The guards are busy getting hammered with the rat poison from earlier.
As she made her way to her own quarters, she was thinking rather hevily about Spike and Twilight,
Anon: Trying desperately to figure out where she went wrong with those two, how her student was now a perverted foalphile, and how to quickly fix this mess?
Twilight: And trying to figure a way to put the blame on Discord somehow.
talking under her breath, "was what she was saying true? Was he truely able to make her cum with only his tonge's work as hard as she claims? I must investigat the matter."
Anon: You’ve been hitting the fermented cider a bit heavily, Celestia. I’m cutting you off.
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: I’ll tell [hic] *you* when I have had … I can smell the colors… How long [hic] have I been a horse?
She said, shocking herself that she said that, but more intrigued that she was enjoying the thought of doing such a thing.
Anon: Why? Couldn’t she just magic up something that would beat Spike’s tongue? … What the hell did I just say?
Twilight: [to Anon] You’re thinking too hard about this. Take it easy.
The next morning, Twilight had woken up to see that she had slept in the guest room of the castle like many times before, only this morning she had a splitting headache and no memory of the previous night.
Twilight: Uhg… did I spout out some stupid fan fiction plot last night? I hope the princess doesn’t take it seriously…
One of the guards pocked his head into her room as soon as she woken up,
Anon: “Here’s Johnny!”
Rainbow Dash: And right through the door, too. Those guards are tough.
saying polightly and quietly, "Good morning miss Twilight, The Princess has requested your company for breakfast when you are awake and able.
She groaned still partialy asleep and hong over,
Twilight: Sir, why are you narrating what I’m doing? Wow, I must still be drunk…
"thank you, let her know that I shall be down in a few minutes, after i freshen up."
Twilight: Right after I figure out how to use the Shift key, otherwise I’ll sound like an idiot.
Anon: Oh, you *don’t* normally sound like [Twilight gives Anon the death glare] like… uh… [to Rainbow] Help me out here!
Rainbow Dash: He says he’s sorry [Twilight smiles a bit, Anon wipes his brow], and he’ll show his gratitude by buying lunch for both of us [Twilight claps her hooves together].
Anon: You two had that planed, didn’t you?
Twilight and Rainbow Dash: [innocently] Maybe…
The guard nodded and left while Twilight was scrapping together what had happened, the last thing she remembered was walking together with the princess to the party,
Rainbow Dash: Twilight was talking to the party about Celestia?
Anon: Was this translated from an alien language?
then waking up. Grounging up and fixong her hair, batteling the pains in her head, she finally made her way to the dinning room where Celestia was enjoying some oat pancakes with sliced apples and bananas. "Good morning princess."
Anon: Should my eyes be bleeding? I feel like they shouldn’t.
Celestia hadn't noticed Twilight enter,
Rainbow Dash: The princess was too busy ramming her head against the wall to prepare herself for the rest of this fanfic.
she turned and smiled greatly, gently replying, "good morning Twilight. I hope you will stay and enjoy the meal, I would imagine you need the aliment after last night's festivities."
Rainbow Dash: Celestia didn’t notice Twilight entering, and that’s why she turned around to talk to her?
Anon: Now my nose is bleeding. That’s not right.
"Twilight was confused by the statement but replied quickly,
Twilight: Okay, who’s talking?
Rainbow Dash: And where is everypony else?
Anon: And who are you two?
"actually, speaking of last night..." She was interupted by her stomach growling, followed by her embarasment and light chuckeling, "I guess it can wait until after breakfast."
Anon: Suddenly, she feels pressure in her stomach, and it was then too late that she realized that the face hugger from the party wasn’t an ambassador.
They both enjoyed a fine meal together along with a portion of the staff,
Anon: They ate the staff?! All of them?!
Rainbow Dash: Maybe it was magic talking staff that won’t have any lines?
Twilight: That would make it the best character so far.
the princess had always enjoyed the company of others when they were relaxed, 'and where not more relaxed then enjoying a meal after waking up in the morning?'
Anon: Celestia: And if they’re not happy, it’s off to FimFiction with them.
she often thought. "So how is your meal? Is it not delightful?"
"Oh it is most exquisit, but i can't help but miss the meals Spike makes for me every morning."
Celestia chuckled, "yes, the best meals are the ones you eat with the ones you love."
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: This is why I eat with all my staff. I *really* love my staff. Oh, and I like the ponies that work here, too.
Twilight almost gagged,
Anon: She realized what kind if tripe she’s in. And she knows she can’t do anything about it. She sheds a single tear.
but maintained her composure trying not to give too much away. "What do you mean by that?"
"Oh i meant that you two had been together for so long it's as if you two had become family."
Twilight: It’s almost like I hatched him or something.
"Speaking of Spike, did you let him know..."
"Yes, i sent him a message last night, there is no need to worry."
Anon: Celestia: He’s written back that he’s busy with something called “Riffing.” Kids these days, am I right?
"That's good." Twilight replied pleasently as they finished their meal. The rest of the day was more typical of Twilight comming to the castle to learn rather then a study session that the princess called Twilight to have,
Anon: I’ve read that several times over, and I *still* don’t know much of… anything anymore. Maybe it’s too deep for me.
Twilight: If we had a week, I could tell you why and how that sentence doesn’t work in any way.
they had even played a few games
Rainbow Dash: It was *really* interesting, so we won’t be hearing about it.
when Twilight wasn't too deep in her reading, having mostly forgotten about the party and pushed the nessessity of it aside.
Anon: Now my left eye is twitching, and my right hand is trying to strangle me. My body is trying to kill me so I can stop torturing it by reading this horror.
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] We’ve really got to toughen you up.
Anon: I can handle most stories, but not the ones where they don’t know what ‘Spell Check’ is. It’s like he went out of his way to make this unreadable.
Twilight: I’m just hoping that this was just all a joke. I can hope, right?
It wasn't until around six when Twilight made her way home, appologising for the mess she had made with the books while studying, "hey Twilight! Long time no see." Spike said happily as he joined her stroll back to their home.
Rainbow Dash: Dear Celestia, she just *appeared* at the library in the middle of a sentence!
Anon: Not even a teleportation spell, she just was *there* all of a sudden. Did she have ‘No Clip’ on?
"Woah! Hey there Spike, i didn't expect you to be out."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: Uh, why are you talking like Cackle, Twilight?
"I was just getting some supplies before i went to go see Celestia."
"Oh? and what did she want to see you about?"
Anon: Spike: Something about a canon, bananas, and the moon.
"I'm not sure, she said in the letter she sent about you staying the night with her that she wanted to discuss something important with me when i could. I said i most likely could after you had gotten back, hoping i could come back and have my favorite snack before bed." Spike said in a seductive tone.
Twilight: What was Spike going to do to the snack that warranted that kind of tone?
Anon: And why wouldn’t Celestia just send a chariot for Spike? Or, right, this is a clop. No *wonder* “Romance Reports” is met with unwarranted praise if *this* is their competition.
"Ooh! Well let me have the supplies and go see what Celestia wants, I don't want a single second longer to wait for that." She replied smiling very hard
Rainbow Dash: So hard, in fact, that it broke her face in three places.
as she took the quils, parchments and inks that spike was carrying to watch Spike run off in the direction she was just comming from.
Twilight: Just picture that as it’s written. It’s quite hilarious.
'I've got to get the bandage, he just loves it when the juices build while i think about it,' Twilight thought to herself.
Anon: I don’t think I want to know what the hell that’s supposed to mean.
It wasn't for a few minutes before Spike made his way to the castle, and still another ten before he had found where Celestia was to meet him. "You wanted to see my Princess?"
Rainbow Dash: Wow, Spike must be fast! He just walked from the library from Ponyville right to the room in the castle in less than five minutes!
Anon: He must do some serious cardio. Who knew gems gave you super speed?
Rainbow Dash: [ponders for a bit] Nah, not worth it.
"Yes, Spike." The princess said rather nervously in the hall in front of both her personal quarters and her personal library.
Anon: Celestia: How am I going to break it to Spike that he’s adopted?
"So what did you want to talk about?" Spike asked as he made effort to open the door to the library.
"I, um... didn't want to talk with you in there." The princess said as she closed the door with her magic and opened the door to her room two doors down across the hall, just behind her.
Anon: Celestia open a door to close a door, then closed another door with her door magic door door door door door doordoordoor-
Twilight: [smacks the back of Anon’s head] Better?
Anon: Yeah, thanks for that Twidoor.
Twilight: [harsh sigh]
Spike blushed rather hard, he had never been inside of Celestia's bedroom, only glanced in when the servants were cleaning while he was walking past on his way to the library, "um... What is this all about?" asking nervously
"Come with me
Rainbow Dash: Please don’t sing…
and i will tell you," she said in a royal and proper tone
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: Ugah Boogah UGAH!!
as to distract herself from her rather obvious nervousness as she lead him into her bedroom and sat him down on her bed as she closed the door and sat becide him. "You know that Twilight and I were attending a party last night..."
Anon: Celestia: It ended up being a Lan party. I can *not* tell you how many times Twilight sniped me. I never knew what a camper she is.
Twilight: Well, I *did* camp once. Well, it was in my library, but it still counts.
"And Twilight had drunk too much of the punch that was spiked, she passed out and stayed the night then spent the day with you... what about it?" Spike asked, rushing to the point.
Anon: Dang, Spike, rude much?
Rainbow Dash: You’ve got somewhere to be, dude?
"Actually, she had mentioned something to me in her inebriated state..."
Spike almost jumped off the bed, replying in a rushed mannor, "wh... wh... what did she say?"
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: I don’t know how to tell you this, but [pause for dramatic effect] Twilight doesn’t like to have three scoops of sugar in her tea. She prefers just two.
Twilight: Spike: [dramatic] NO~!
Rainbow Dash: Celestia: Don’t worry, Spike, we’ll get through this!
"She mentioned your skill with your tongue."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: So I’m good at accents, what of it?
Anon: Celestia: Could you read “The Hobbit” as Big Mac?
"You mean she talking about us practicing kissing?!" Spike proclaimed, hoping to deture the most likely conversation.
Twilight: Spike: I didn’t mean to do *that* with Smarty Pants!
"Not exactly..." Celestia mentioned, jestering that it was not her mouth he was kissing.
Anon: What kinds of jester would that… You know what, never mind.
Twilight: Yeah, it’s for the best that you *didn’t* know.
"Oh..." He replied with a sorrowful tone, expecting to get punished, "what are you going to do to me?"
"Well i'm not sure... but i would like a demonstration."
"OH PLEASE DON'T PUNISH... Wait! WHAT?!" he replied, just catching what she was saying.
Anon: [pulls bucket closer to himself, holding it like it’s his newborn baby] Here we go…
Twilight and Rainbow Dash: [roll eyes]
"well..." Celestia started, not sure how to word it, "well durring the party, she had said that your skills with your tongue makes her cum harder then she thought she could..." She stated almost rbotically, trying to say it without drawing it out longer.
Anon: Celestia’s an automaton! Aha, I knew it!
Twilight: This fanfic was written by Discord. That’s the only way this makes sense.
"She said that? but what did you call me here for?"
She blushed hard, turning her entire face from it's normal white glistening coat into a cherry red plume of emotions,
Twilight: She exploded, ending this atrocity in its tracks.
"to be honest, i havn't had any in so long,
Anon: Yeah, because the princess couldn’t get any, so she’s now going to- I can’t say it! I’m such a failure…
Rainbow Dash: [completely dead pan] There there, Anon. It’s going to be okay, and stuff.
and hearing about you made me want to try... and i was hoping..." She started, trailling off and thinking he's going to reject her offer when he picked her face up in his claws and planted a deep kiss.
Rainbow Dash: So deep, that she accidentally crunched Spikes head off. The End!
Her eyes widened from the sudden action but calmly closed as the passion from their contact had made her feel more pleasure then she had in the past century,
Twilight: Really? From a baby dragon?
Anon: I thought alicorns and the like were creatures of purity. Oh well!
eminating from her mouth through her entire body. She could feel her mound slowly getting wet,
Rainbow Dash: She should really check her anthill collection. That shouldn’t be happening.
clenching with anticipation as her entire mouth was massaged by the invading tongue. She moans softly as her body becomes limp in his arms,
Anon: How does that even happen? Isn’t Spike, like, only one to two feet tall?
Twilight: I guess dragons are stretchy. Wait … that didn’t come out right.
falling gracefuly onto the bed still interlocked with spike, while he, having noticed her pleasant limpness,
Anon: Celestia really needs a new horn polisher.
has begun plans to move his way down. With a wimper, she softly proclaims under her breath, "don't stop," as Spike leaves her lips and licks the entire length of her body,
Rainbow Dash: Spikes going to have the mother of all hair balls.
being sure to stop at pleasureable areas for some extra attention.
Rainbow Dash: Like her eye balls and her left hoof.
Anon: But not the right one! Knowing the difference will save your life!
Playfully licking around each of her nipples before lightly sucking on them one at a time as he made his way down to her open legs, massaging the muscles around her vulva as he finished with her last nipple.
Anon: [mouth swells up with bile] Excuse me a minute…
Twilight: You okay?
Anon: Yeah, I figured that my vomit can rise very high, but I can still tap it down.
Rainbow Dash: Keep a hold of that skill. I think it’s going to become useful later on.
He didn't start on her pussy right away,
Anon: What the heck is Opal doing here?
he knew better, she was rusty and sensative, he started by kissing around, dragging his tongue softly as he made his way to the prise,
Rainbow Dash: Her giant cake she prepared earlier that she wanted Spike to eat?
Twilight: Well, she *is* rusty at baking, and is a bit sensitive about-
her clit.
Twilight: Oh, should have known.
He had noticed whenever he licked that one bump on Twilight, she would say that it felt amazing, and each night she would beg him to lick there again,
Anon: Unfortunately, Spike was actually tonguing a pimple Twilight had. She’s got some weird kinks. [Prepares for Twilight to smack him, but nothing happens] Wait, wha-
Twilight: Oh, you’re still here?
Anon: [just a bit crestfallen] Oh, nothing…
eventually getting good enough not even need to look for it, but he only grazes it for now, letting her moans deepen only momentarily as he uses his entire tongue's length to slide from the bottom of her slit over her clit.
Rainbow Dash: Then, Spike licked Celestia.
Her moans were borderline hearable outside when he made his way inside of her with his magical tongue, not just licking around, but trirling as his lips suckled the entire mound and the very tip of his upper lip grazed her clit magnificently.
Anon: Spike learned this technique when he was whipping his tongue around like a helicopter blade. He actually got airborne.
Unbeknownst to Spike, Celestia was forced to use her magic to make a ball gag to stop herself from screeming in pleasure and possibly allerting the guards
Twilight: Why didn’t she just sound proof the place with her magic?
Anon: Why is every character in any clop fic always so stupid and broken?
Rainbow Dash: Because it’s clop.
Anon: That explains everything!
as he edged her closer and closer to orgasm before kicking down the pleasure to build it up even more, nearly throwing her over the edge many times over before finally finishing the job and setting her off in the biggest orgasm she could ever remember.
Rainbow Dash: Well, not as good as the time when she binged on that cake eating contest that she hold’s for herself every week, but it was a close second.
"How was that?"
Anon: Celestia: Huh? What was what? Sorry, I was daydreaming. When did you get here?
Spike proclaimed as he came up after her orgasm subsided. She tried to say something, but it was blocked by the gag too much to tell what she said. "What was that?"
She used her magic to slide off the gag and tried again while smiling pleasently,
Anon: Celestia then pulls off her face. Turns out, she’s actually a dinosaur werewolf from Mars!!
Rainbow Dash: DUN DUN DUUUUN!
"It was just as Twilight said, better then I could've imagined."
Twilight: Celestia: That book she lent me, that is.
"Is that why you had the thing on?" Pointing to the ball gag Celestia threw on the bed.
Embarassed, she replies bashfuly, "yes, i had to, to stop myself from yelling too loudly."
Twilight: Yes, please tell us things we already know. We want this padded out even further.
"So you're NOT into that?" Spike asked inquisitively.
"To be honest," she started with some emberasment in her tone. "I wouldn't say i'm not, but more that i've never done any..."
"Well let's not get ahead of ourselves..."
Anon: I would like to think that the author would be above that kind of pun, but I doubt that was intentionally.
"Very true Spike. Lets just start at the beginning."
"Missionary?"
Anon: Spike: You mean “Missionary Hill”? Never saw that show.
"Yes, have you already done it with Twilight?"
"Tried, but it's too small to do anything but rub her..."
Rainbow Dash: Spike: I was never good at the Shuffle…
After a moment of thinking and comforting Spike on his size, she calmly asks, "do you want me to fix that?"
"What do you mean?"
Anon: There are a lot of things I want to fix in this “story.”
Twilight: Is she going to neuter him?
She didn't respond any more then glowing her horn brightly, so much that Spike had to avert his eyes as Celestia leaned her horn down and touched his fully erect member, bairly noticable but still quite large considering his age (and his race)
Rainbow Dash: Why do you think we needed to know that, and why would we care?
. Her magic softened, letting the room go back to it's natural lighting. "How's that?"
Spike opened his eyes, and saw a dick like the one he had seen in the books Twilight was showing him about Dragon anatomy, "Woah! Is that mine?"
Anon: Spike: I’m really thankful, but why are my hands bigger?
Celestia chuckled, "it is now, I imbuned my magin into it. You can now controll how big it is, just by consentrating on it."
Rainbow Dash: Wow, imagine if she used “magic” instead of “magin”!
Twilight: Maybe she could fix this fanfic!
Anon: Way to waste your godlike abilities there, Celly.
"Wow," was the only thing he could say, then again, what could you say?
Rainbow Dash: How about “AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!”?
"Now why don't we try it out?"
Anon: Celestia: Let me just get my pencil sharpener…
She said seductively, laying back down and waiting for spike to crawl up and take her. But Spike was paused,
Anon: I hate it when that happens. Where the hell is the remote?!
contemplating what he should do, should he take the princess and hurt twilight? should he not take her but somehow explain his growth? every scinario went into termoil.
Twilight: Not really. There’s a clear answer here, but considering that this is a clop, that’s not going to happen.
The princess however grew tired of waiting those few seconds, snapping him out of his consentration, "just come here and fuck me!"
Anon: And Celestia’s a rapist now. Okay then.
Twilight: [sarcastic] The characterization here is *so* spot on. I can *totally* see this happening.
Rainbow Dash: The same way I can see Rarity going crazy all of a sudden and setting up her friends to get raped.
Twilight: Genius.
Glowing her horn and pulling him forward, pearcing her slippery hole all the way to his hilt. He had never felt a pleasure so wonderful, every twitch she made squeezed his member into a tingeling sensation of which he could bairly contain while she had a similar reaction,
Anon: [Warm putrid feeling rising up his throat, an acidy bitter taste in all of his mouth, then a tingling and almost burning sensation left his throat and mouth after a chocking feeling.]
Twilight: Hey, you okay?
Rainbow Dash: Oh, he’s fine, aren’t you, big guy?
Anon: Getting… better… I guess…
not having a cock inside of her for many many years, even twitch felt like it was massaging her very core, only managing a few short strokes before climaxing. It had only been a few minutes since they started but they both had colapsed in exaustion on top of eachother.
Anon: I can’t hold it in anymore! [grabs bucket and runs to the back of the room]
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] Ha, you need a tougher stomach than that if you want to tackle these stories!
Twilight: [to Rainbow] Didn’t you do the same thing when we read “Trixies Magic Bit”?
Rainbow Dash: I keep telling you, it was the heat that got me.
Twilight: If you say so. [notices Anon’s back, already sitting down] Feel better?
Anon: [with pure hate] This “author” is worse at writing than the doctor who accidentally punched him for thirty minutes instead of giving him a circumcision.
Twilight: Whoa, were did *that* come from?
"That was amazing," celestia said through her heavy breathing.
"Yeah, it was..." Spike agreed, just as out of breath as her, "I had no idea it could be that good..."
Anon: [bitterly] If you’re going to “write” a story about characters having sex, “author”, it would help if you had any yourself. These garbage fanfics you make are inhumane attempts at population control.
Rainbow Dash: You’ve gone to a scary place, Anon. And I think I like it.
Twilight: Don’t encourage him, Rainbow. Were not supposed to address the author like that!
"Especially for our first times..." She said, looking at him sweetely.
"Our first times? I didn't know you were a virgin too?"
Twilight: So Spike *is* a self-insert character!
Anon: Following this fanfics logic is like watching a kid play baseball. If he simply picked one direction and ran that way, you probably wouldn't even notice that he's retarded.
Rainbow Dash: [to Anon] Okay, now you’re just creeping me out.
She couldn't help but giggle, "Well i guess it was like my first time, not having any for so long. But i expect us to be doing this every now-and-again."
Rainbow Dash: Have you tried, I don’t know, dating, princess? Maybe set up a few profiles, tapes, something?
"I would love that." Spike smiled before leaning up to plant a kiss on her lips.
"I guess you should be going back to Twilight now..." Celestia commented, almost disapontingly as she noticed the clock on the dresser.
Anon: Celestia: I missed the first half of “Psych”…
Obviously disapointed, spike replies almost in shock, "THAT'S RIGHT! How am i going to explain my growth to her?"
"You can controll the size, just consentrate on the size you used to be, and she will be none the wiser..." She commented with a sinister grin.
Anon: So now Celestia is malicious *and* diabolical. I didn’t know that.
Twilight: If his growth is such a problem, why not just cancel the spell when he leaves and re-activate it when he comes back?
Anon: And couldn’t Spike just talk about his encounter with Celestia to Twilight, skip the sex part, and tell her that he’s now properly equipped and the princess sends both of them her blessing? I just don’t-
Rainbow Dash: You two are *really* over thinking this.
He consentrated, trying to remember the old small size of his half-flacid member, and magically his cock shrank, almost identical to before he came.
Anon: That’s why *pants* would be a good idea.
"Thank you princess," Spike said as he gave her a payful kiss. "I can't sait for you to see me again." wink ;)
Twilight: Using emoticons in any kind of medium means you lost, sorry.
---
Anon: There were some … flaws in this clop.
Rainbow Dash: That was *painful*. Are we done here, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: [from TV] Yep, doors open. See you guy’s later!
Twilight: Hey, Pinkie, we’re going to get some lunch, okay?
Pinkie Pie: [from TV] Lunch?! Be right there!
Anon: Great, because I- [door closes and locks only him in] uh… mares? Can I come too? [silence] Oh… okay… Hey, who’s going to hit the button? [all the lights turn off] Hello? [echo]
[TV goes off in a blink]
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