Glitch Riffs 2: Applekush
Well, this fic... yeah, I don’t know either. This could be an extension from something else, but I’ll never find out. Considering its name, I speculate that makes the only amount of sense this “narrative” will ever have. I found this completely by accident; I hit the back button while on Google Docs, and there it was on the list, so I decided to check it out. If someone could phone me a clue as to what this is, that would be great. This originally was supposed to be an anthology of short fanfics, but you know how it goes. I hope you readers enjoy this! Oh, and that seemingly random human name who comes out of no where? It’s from the fanfic “Hands.” Yeah, I’m that desperate for ideas. I know I could have done better with Applejack’s dialect, but I’m kind of an idiot.
Rainbow Dash: When it’s going to get here? I’m starving!
Anon: Don’t worry, I remember our little deal. I can’t believe I fell for that, though...
Twilight: Well, you didn’t have to buy us lunch; it was just a little joke--
Applejack: [ pulling a cart filled with food ] Did some pony say lunch?
Rainbow Dash: Awesome, the foods here! Oh, so is AJ, I guess.
Twilight: Hi Applejack! I didn’t know you delivered. Is this new?
Applejack: Howdy ev'ry pony! [ notices Anon ] An'... whatevah you’re suppose t'be. Ah hope your all hungry! Ah got apple pie, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple dumplin's, apple crisps, apple crumblers, an' apple brown Pansy, with even some cider on th' side!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, let’s dig in!
Twilight: [ notices what time it is ] Oh, I forgot about... an earlier rendezvous. Sorry to scurry on all of you like this, but I got to go. We can do this in the future, okay? Nice seeing you Applejack, but I really got to hoof it. I can’t be late!
Applejack: That's alright, Twi. Say “howdy” to Andrew fo' me!
Twilight: [ chuckles embarrassingly ] Will do, Applejack. See all of you later! [teleports away ]
Rainbow Dash: Speaking of humans, where is Author, anyway?
Anon: All I know is that he told me something about how hairy his wrist are, and he was going to shave them in a bathtub or something.
Rainbow Dash: Again?
Applejack: On that note, where did Rarity helter-skelter off too? Doesn't she usually does these riffs thin's with y’all?
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] Oh, Anon here couldn't write her dialog for the life of him, but I think he’s doing a super duper job with Jackie here!
Anon, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash: [ looking and each other, then at Pinkie ] Uh... what?
Pinkie: [ from TV ] Anywhoo, I just got a quick little prank for our lunch break! It’s about... I have no idea, and neither will you! Are you game, Malus pumila?
Applejack: Uhh... you mean me? Hmm, yeah, why not? Ah got some time, an' it's been a spell since ah tried a hoof at one of these thin's. You can count me in!
Pinkie Pie: Oh, goody! Strap in, we’re about to go for a confusing ride!
[ Buzzer sounds ]
All: We've got story sign!
Applekush
by :wumpscut:
Rainbow Dash: I got a bad feeling about this...
The chapped asshole of Equestria,
Anon: [ giggling ] Right out of the gate, and I’m laughing like a madman. Well done.
Bald Flats, lay past so many crossroads from Chip-Hoof junction that not even the most well-traveled of ponies could reliably find there way there.
Applejack: You just called it th' chapped donkey-hole of Equestria. Why would any pony be hankerin' t'go there?
Rainbow Dash: That’s like wanting to go to a place called “We're-going-to-murder-you-opolis.”
In these parts nary a hoof could be set down without a parade of promiscuity erupting from the ground it was set down upon. Even in these sun-parched lands the juices spilt from decayed lovers and long forgotten flings remained stalwart in there imitable stand against Celestia’s conservative militarism.
Anon: Looks like someone got a thesaurus. [ joke voice ] I want t' sound smehtseh dan I ackual am. Are you proud of me now mommy, duh...uh...?
Rainbow Dash: It’s what happens when a writer tries to use words they don’t get.
Apple Bloom had been wondering about how Luna was faring against her sister’s rigidity on the subject for hours now.
Anon: I am so beyond confused and discombobulated here. For all we know, the secret to the meaning of life could be in this text, and we’ll never know.
There was something special about these parts for ponies young and brave enough to venture out so far to find it.
Rainbow Dash: It’s an incredible resort, filled with free food and housing. You just need to get past all of Tartarus first.
Applejack: Brin' th' whole~ family!
There was a joke she had heard involving a pegasus, a unicorn and an earth pony.
Anon: They all walked into a bar, and they said, “Ow!”
RatherHomely: A pegasus, a unicorn, and an earth pony walk into a bar. The barista asks, "What is this, a joke?"
The gist was that if you jumped of the Salt Flats cliff and yelled out your greatest wish it would come true.
Applejack: You needed t'make it to the bottom of the cliff for it t'come true, but then you’ll be splattered.
Anon: So we all win!
Her eyes squinted up at the sun in an endeavor to shake these trivial thoughts.
Anon: Being blinded by the sun does that to ponies.
Rainbow Dash: That’s why it’s a good idea to keep an extra pair of goggles. You wouldn't believe how many times I crashed into a flock of geese without those.
The stance that most ponies her age had taken with her was that as an earth pony she was the one most liable to trip over the edge.
Anon: That’s why you shouldn’t eat strange mushrooms, especially the ones that look like they have eyes.
At the time, it seemed that being transformed into something so explicit was degrading enough to warrant a good beat down to the offender.
Anon: I feel so lost.
Rainbow Dash: I think the fic is ditching us! Fanfic? Come here, fanfic!
Applejack: Fanfic, you march right back here an' explain yourself properly!
If only what she’d been transformed into was so clean-cut. At least she could look her sister in the eye again, however brief the trip to the Apple Farm septic tank would have been.
Applejack: This here is obviously an continuation from something, but hay if ah evah knows what it is.
Anon: Why would you jump into a septic tank in the first place? Is there like a golden key inside?
Rainbow Dash: I don’t think you should listen to those rumors, Apple Bloom. A treasure hunting cutie mark isn’t worth it!
Her water supply had run out hours ago.
Anon: Fortunately, she was five minutes away from home, so it wasn’t a big deal.
At this point even breathing was a chore.
Applejack: An' ah thought ah had it rough!
Anon: How easy of a life do you need to have for breathing to be considered a burden?
Rainbow Dash: I guess Apple Bloom here is a blockhead and needs that to be a chore, or she will die.
Applejack: Hey!
Anon: Hay is for horses, AJ.
Applejack: But ah'm a-- oh, ah get it.
How Applebloom expected to converse with her friend was left up to imagination.
Applejack: By talkin' t'them, dawgone it! You know, with words?
Anon: It’s not that hard of a concept to grasp. See? I’m doing it right now.
“Guess I’m getting close now.” Her filly mouth ached for that tender sausage.
Rainbow Dash: [ pause ] Uh, do you think she means--
Anon: I’m going to assume that she meant the food, and there’s nothing anyone can do to convince me otherwise.
Applejack: [ chuckles ] Yo' two are kinda perverted, ain't ya?
Only by talking out loud was she able to resist not deepthroating elbow deep and choke herself to death.
All: …
Applejack: Wait, c'dn't she just-
Rainbow Dash: Moving on!
The dry air had taken its toll.
Her eyes wandered up to the welcome sign. It bespoke of nothing but the most vile doom.
Anon: The board stated “Unicornicopia.” She’s as good as dead now.
It broke black fear into her heart. “The villa” Her mouth ached terribly after saying it. Such a wondrous spread of brown.
Applejack: … Eww!
Whatever made the air so rakish to her lungs reminded her of blood. She remembered that taste well.
Rainbow Dash: Just what exactly are you feeding that poor filly, AJ?
Applejack: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, rainbow cupcakes, th' usual. Know what ah mean?
Rainbow Dash: [ pause ] Oh.
She still couldn’t lay down without her back hurting. None of these sex barns would have her there.
All: [ completely flabbergasted ] WHAT?!
Anon: That’s what this has been about?!
Applejack: But, that doesn't-- wait, ah just can't... what?!
Even after the Huntress had done her work Applebloom knew that her best friends had to help her. Sweetie Belle was no exception.
Anon: Anyone who doesn’t know who this “Huntress” is and doesn’t care, say “Aye.”
All: Aye!
Friendship aside Applebloom knew Sweetie would have found a way to the top of this shithole.
Rainbow Dash: That’s easy, you just have to eat some of AJ’s baked bads.
Applejack: Not mah proudest moment, ah tell you what...
“Sweetie’s smarter than anypony ever gave her credit for, I know I’ll find her at the fanicest place. She is Rarity’s sister after all.”
Anon: "Or I could actually go to places that I know for sure she would be at, me and her being friends and all."
Applejack: Or just go to the tree house. That'd make more sense.
Rainbow Dash: [ laughing ] Sense, in a fanfic? Yeah, okay.
Yellow hooves clopped forward one at a time down the main road. Any onlooker could see that these hooves were not to be distracted with any fine proposals of intimate love.
Anon: Unless you like getting trampled on.
Rainbow Dash: That’s an actual thing?
A more astute onlooker could see that these particular hooves were outfitted with brass horseshoes. The most observant of onlookers, of which there were none currently unhindered by a few solid eight balls of the most delirious H you could bake in these parts, would notice that they were nailed on by their current owner and were a little too big for her anyway.
Applejack: [ wipes away tears ] They grow up so fast. She's startin' her own fight clubs now...
This is the kind of information that would let them know that this little pony was not in the general mindset to be particularly fucked with.
Rainbow Dash: Heck yeah, she took karate lesson from me, you know!
Bald flats was about to get a little bit wet.
Applejack: I’m just gonna drink all of this here cider, on account o' were so close t'th' end an' all.
The only problem was that with Applebloom the only kind of hymen that gets broken is good old fashioned pony face.
Applejack: [ spit takes so hard that all of the cider pulverizes into Anon’s face. ] What in tarnation?!
Rainbow Dash: [ laughing ] I guess you can skip your shower for the day, huh Anon?
Anon: [ smiles ] Just try not to lick all the cider off me. I’ve seen how desperate you can get.
Rainbow Dash: [ chuckles ] Don’t you wish?
With the encroaching steps of five sets of hooves It was time for her to show Applejack how much she learned in the apple cellar.
Applejack: Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here, what in th' hay is that suppose t'mean?
Time to brofist.
Rainbow Dash: What?
Anon: I thought the term was “Brohoof”?
Applejack: [ reading that last part, then shrugs ] Well, okay then. [ tries to brohoof Anon, catches him off guard, and incidental smashes his arm ] So'ry about that partner. You okay?
Anon: [ struggles out a tiny squeak ]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, he’s fine. You did the hoof thing wrong anyway. [ raises one of her fore hooves at Anon as he tries to raise his fist in protest ] You got to say it as you’re doing it, like this! Bro-- ! [rears her hoof almost impossible back. Anon let’s out a whimper ] HOOF!! [ Rainbow’s hoof smashes into Anon’s flimsy little clenched fist, and a ear-splitting CRUNCH emitted from his extended appendage. A shock-wave was sent forth from the brohoof, forcing the TV to blip out ]
Rainbow Dash: When it’s going to get here? I’m starving!
Anon: Don’t worry, I remember our little deal. I can’t believe I fell for that, though...
Twilight: Well, you didn’t have to buy us lunch; it was just a little joke--
Applejack: [ pulling a cart filled with food ] Did some pony say lunch?
Rainbow Dash: Awesome, the foods here! Oh, so is AJ, I guess.
Twilight: Hi Applejack! I didn’t know you delivered. Is this new?
Applejack: Howdy ev'ry pony! [ notices Anon ] An'... whatevah you’re suppose t'be. Ah hope your all hungry! Ah got apple pie, apple fritters, apple tarts, apple dumplin's, apple crisps, apple crumblers, an' apple brown Pansy, with even some cider on th' side!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, let’s dig in!
Twilight: [ notices what time it is ] Oh, I forgot about... an earlier rendezvous. Sorry to scurry on all of you like this, but I got to go. We can do this in the future, okay? Nice seeing you Applejack, but I really got to hoof it. I can’t be late!
Applejack: That's alright, Twi. Say “howdy” to Andrew fo' me!
Twilight: [ chuckles embarrassingly ] Will do, Applejack. See all of you later! [teleports away ]
Rainbow Dash: Speaking of humans, where is Author, anyway?
Anon: All I know is that he told me something about how hairy his wrist are, and he was going to shave them in a bathtub or something.
Rainbow Dash: Again?
Applejack: On that note, where did Rarity helter-skelter off too? Doesn't she usually does these riffs thin's with y’all?
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] Oh, Anon here couldn't write her dialog for the life of him, but I think he’s doing a super duper job with Jackie here!
Anon, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash: [ looking and each other, then at Pinkie ] Uh... what?
Pinkie: [ from TV ] Anywhoo, I just got a quick little prank for our lunch break! It’s about... I have no idea, and neither will you! Are you game, Malus pumila?
Applejack: Uhh... you mean me? Hmm, yeah, why not? Ah got some time, an' it's been a spell since ah tried a hoof at one of these thin's. You can count me in!
Pinkie Pie: Oh, goody! Strap in, we’re about to go for a confusing ride!
[ Buzzer sounds ]
All: We've got story sign!
Applekush
by :wumpscut:
Rainbow Dash: I got a bad feeling about this...
The chapped asshole of Equestria,
Anon: [ giggling ] Right out of the gate, and I’m laughing like a madman. Well done.
Bald Flats, lay past so many crossroads from Chip-Hoof junction that not even the most well-traveled of ponies could reliably find there way there.
Applejack: You just called it th' chapped donkey-hole of Equestria. Why would any pony be hankerin' t'go there?
Rainbow Dash: That’s like wanting to go to a place called “We're-going-to-murder-you-opolis.”
In these parts nary a hoof could be set down without a parade of promiscuity erupting from the ground it was set down upon. Even in these sun-parched lands the juices spilt from decayed lovers and long forgotten flings remained stalwart in there imitable stand against Celestia’s conservative militarism.
Anon: Looks like someone got a thesaurus. [ joke voice ] I want t' sound smehtseh dan I ackual am. Are you proud of me now mommy, duh...uh...?
Rainbow Dash: It’s what happens when a writer tries to use words they don’t get.
Apple Bloom had been wondering about how Luna was faring against her sister’s rigidity on the subject for hours now.
Anon: I am so beyond confused and discombobulated here. For all we know, the secret to the meaning of life could be in this text, and we’ll never know.
There was something special about these parts for ponies young and brave enough to venture out so far to find it.
Rainbow Dash: It’s an incredible resort, filled with free food and housing. You just need to get past all of Tartarus first.
Applejack: Brin' th' whole~ family!
There was a joke she had heard involving a pegasus, a unicorn and an earth pony.
Anon: They all walked into a bar, and they said, “Ow!”
RatherHomely: A pegasus, a unicorn, and an earth pony walk into a bar. The barista asks, "What is this, a joke?"
The gist was that if you jumped of the Salt Flats cliff and yelled out your greatest wish it would come true.
Applejack: You needed t'make it to the bottom of the cliff for it t'come true, but then you’ll be splattered.
Anon: So we all win!
Her eyes squinted up at the sun in an endeavor to shake these trivial thoughts.
Anon: Being blinded by the sun does that to ponies.
Rainbow Dash: That’s why it’s a good idea to keep an extra pair of goggles. You wouldn't believe how many times I crashed into a flock of geese without those.
The stance that most ponies her age had taken with her was that as an earth pony she was the one most liable to trip over the edge.
Anon: That’s why you shouldn’t eat strange mushrooms, especially the ones that look like they have eyes.
At the time, it seemed that being transformed into something so explicit was degrading enough to warrant a good beat down to the offender.
Anon: I feel so lost.
Rainbow Dash: I think the fic is ditching us! Fanfic? Come here, fanfic!
Applejack: Fanfic, you march right back here an' explain yourself properly!
If only what she’d been transformed into was so clean-cut. At least she could look her sister in the eye again, however brief the trip to the Apple Farm septic tank would have been.
Applejack: This here is obviously an continuation from something, but hay if ah evah knows what it is.
Anon: Why would you jump into a septic tank in the first place? Is there like a golden key inside?
Rainbow Dash: I don’t think you should listen to those rumors, Apple Bloom. A treasure hunting cutie mark isn’t worth it!
Her water supply had run out hours ago.
Anon: Fortunately, she was five minutes away from home, so it wasn’t a big deal.
At this point even breathing was a chore.
Applejack: An' ah thought ah had it rough!
Anon: How easy of a life do you need to have for breathing to be considered a burden?
Rainbow Dash: I guess Apple Bloom here is a blockhead and needs that to be a chore, or she will die.
Applejack: Hey!
Anon: Hay is for horses, AJ.
Applejack: But ah'm a-- oh, ah get it.
How Applebloom expected to converse with her friend was left up to imagination.
Applejack: By talkin' t'them, dawgone it! You know, with words?
Anon: It’s not that hard of a concept to grasp. See? I’m doing it right now.
“Guess I’m getting close now.” Her filly mouth ached for that tender sausage.
Rainbow Dash: [ pause ] Uh, do you think she means--
Anon: I’m going to assume that she meant the food, and there’s nothing anyone can do to convince me otherwise.
Applejack: [ chuckles ] Yo' two are kinda perverted, ain't ya?
Only by talking out loud was she able to resist not deepthroating elbow deep and choke herself to death.
All: …
Applejack: Wait, c'dn't she just-
Rainbow Dash: Moving on!
The dry air had taken its toll.
Her eyes wandered up to the welcome sign. It bespoke of nothing but the most vile doom.
Anon: The board stated “Unicornicopia.” She’s as good as dead now.
It broke black fear into her heart. “The villa” Her mouth ached terribly after saying it. Such a wondrous spread of brown.
Applejack: … Eww!
Whatever made the air so rakish to her lungs reminded her of blood. She remembered that taste well.
Rainbow Dash: Just what exactly are you feeding that poor filly, AJ?
Applejack: [ smiling ] Oh, you know, rainbow cupcakes, th' usual. Know what ah mean?
Rainbow Dash: [ pause ] Oh.
She still couldn’t lay down without her back hurting. None of these sex barns would have her there.
All: [ completely flabbergasted ] WHAT?!
Anon: That’s what this has been about?!
Applejack: But, that doesn't-- wait, ah just can't... what?!
Even after the Huntress had done her work Applebloom knew that her best friends had to help her. Sweetie Belle was no exception.
Anon: Anyone who doesn’t know who this “Huntress” is and doesn’t care, say “Aye.”
All: Aye!
Friendship aside Applebloom knew Sweetie would have found a way to the top of this shithole.
Rainbow Dash: That’s easy, you just have to eat some of AJ’s baked bads.
Applejack: Not mah proudest moment, ah tell you what...
“Sweetie’s smarter than anypony ever gave her credit for, I know I’ll find her at the fanicest place. She is Rarity’s sister after all.”
Anon: "Or I could actually go to places that I know for sure she would be at, me and her being friends and all."
Applejack: Or just go to the tree house. That'd make more sense.
Rainbow Dash: [ laughing ] Sense, in a fanfic? Yeah, okay.
Yellow hooves clopped forward one at a time down the main road. Any onlooker could see that these hooves were not to be distracted with any fine proposals of intimate love.
Anon: Unless you like getting trampled on.
Rainbow Dash: That’s an actual thing?
A more astute onlooker could see that these particular hooves were outfitted with brass horseshoes. The most observant of onlookers, of which there were none currently unhindered by a few solid eight balls of the most delirious H you could bake in these parts, would notice that they were nailed on by their current owner and were a little too big for her anyway.
Applejack: [ wipes away tears ] They grow up so fast. She's startin' her own fight clubs now...
This is the kind of information that would let them know that this little pony was not in the general mindset to be particularly fucked with.
Rainbow Dash: Heck yeah, she took karate lesson from me, you know!
Bald flats was about to get a little bit wet.
Applejack: I’m just gonna drink all of this here cider, on account o' were so close t'th' end an' all.
The only problem was that with Applebloom the only kind of hymen that gets broken is good old fashioned pony face.
Applejack: [ spit takes so hard that all of the cider pulverizes into Anon’s face. ] What in tarnation?!
Rainbow Dash: [ laughing ] I guess you can skip your shower for the day, huh Anon?
Anon: [ smiles ] Just try not to lick all the cider off me. I’ve seen how desperate you can get.
Rainbow Dash: [ chuckles ] Don’t you wish?
With the encroaching steps of five sets of hooves It was time for her to show Applejack how much she learned in the apple cellar.
Applejack: Hold on just one pony pickin' minute here, what in th' hay is that suppose t'mean?
Time to brofist.
Rainbow Dash: What?
Anon: I thought the term was “Brohoof”?
Applejack: [ reading that last part, then shrugs ] Well, okay then. [ tries to brohoof Anon, catches him off guard, and incidental smashes his arm ] So'ry about that partner. You okay?
Anon: [ struggles out a tiny squeak ]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, he’s fine. You did the hoof thing wrong anyway. [ raises one of her fore hooves at Anon as he tries to raise his fist in protest ] You got to say it as you’re doing it, like this! Bro-- ! [rears her hoof almost impossible back. Anon let’s out a whimper ] HOOF!! [ Rainbow’s hoof smashes into Anon’s flimsy little clenched fist, and a ear-splitting CRUNCH emitted from his extended appendage. A shock-wave was sent forth from the brohoof, forcing the TV to blip out ]
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