Glitch Riffs 3: A Little More Than Useless and Scootaloo's Best Day Ever
I was looking for a fic that was legitimately awful (as in, not a clop, gore, or troll fic) in a serious way, like the author was just kind of terrible at writing, and I think I found such a fanfic. I snagged the first three chapters (if you can even call them that) while it was marked as “Canceled”. It's called A Little More Than Useless, and it stars Scootaloo. Unfortunately, the author deleted the original fanfic, so we can’t read the original. I also decided to do two fanfics at once, just to see if I could. The other fanfic is called Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever, and it started off kind of innocent, then... yeah, let’s say that it deserves all the thumbs down it got.
Oh, and before I forget, extra mega big thanks to Reasonandrhyme with pre/prof-reading some of my riffs! Good luck on your first fanfic!
I changed up AJ dialect a bit from the last time I did a riff with her involved, as the comments from my last riff suggested it (and I completely agree with), so I hope I did a better job this time around.
Anyway, let’s get this horror train started, shall we? When we last left off, Anon got pulverized by Rainbow when she was demonstrating to Applejack how a brohoof is supposed to work...
Applejack: Is he gonna be okay?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, he’s fine. You can tell because he’s still twitching.
Applejack: I don’t know, Anon took that hit pretty hard.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, I guess we should try not to make him unconscious. But how?
Applejack: Oh, I got it! I heard from Twilight what to do in these situations! [ she kneels down to Anon’s level, and starts whacking his head a few times ] Okay Anon, stop bein’ unconscious now.
Anon: [ groggily ] Okay, I’m awake! [ AJ conks him once more for good measure ] Wow! I died and I’ve been reborn, I’ve seen the light and the complete truth and-- oh. I’m still here, aren’t I?
Rainbow: Yep. Sorry about almost killing you back there.
Anon: Hey, does this mean the riff is over?
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] The last one is, but the prank train is still chugging along! This time, I got two real quick capers for the price of one! I thought that if one joke is a ton of fun in the sun, having two would bedouble the fun! Yay me! I’m so brilliant. [ a beat passes ] Anyway, I pick a theme this time, a Scootaloo theme! Filly needs the attention, you know? Now, prepare yourselves! It’s about to get A Little More Than Useless and Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever all up in here!
Anon: Oh. Say, can you mares knock me out again?
Applejack: No doing there, partner. You're not getting out of this that easily.
[ buzzers sound ]
All: We've got story sign!
Chapter 1: The Beginning of boredom
Rainbow Dash: Hey, the fanfic is reading our minds!
Anon: They say that art imitates life, and I’m really bored here too!
The school bell rang. "Sigh. Welcome to Summer Scoots"
Applejack: That sounds like a breakfast cereal I reckon.
Anon: “Now in new Chicken flavor!” I completely apologize for that.
the orange blank flanked filly said. It had been one week since applebloom and sweetie bell left for vacation.
Rainbow Dash: But what about Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle? Unless you think that your friends are just things and not actual ponies.
Scootaloo had gotten one to many F's and this was her punishment.
Anon: “I thought the F’s meant “Fantastic!” That’s what Rainbow Dash said... hey, wait a minute!”
She walked away from the school house in shame. "Why couldn't I be smart like twilight?"
Anon: But that book series stinks on ice! Not that I would know from personal experience, of course...
Scootaloo asked herself. She walked aimlessly for ten minutes and found herself at sugar cube corner.
Applejack: That place has its own center of gravity I guess.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, Pinkie really did let herself go.
She decided to get something since she was here.
She opened the door and was greeted by the sight of cake and pinkie pie. "Hi there Scootaloo." the pink mare asked her. "Need something?"
Anon: Proper knowledge on how to use the shift key? I mean, you’re aware of it, but you seem to go out of your way to make this look so backwards. I don’t get it.
"Naw just some normal cupcakes"
Anon: … Too easy. Even I’m not that desperate. Yet.
"Comin right up!" pinkie said as she hoped away.
Applejack: Smashin’ her head into the ceilin’ with every hop. Pinkie didn’t even noticed.
"Well atleast pinkie pie is still here" she grumbled. When pinkie came back Scootaloo asked if rainbow dash was around. "Oh rainbow dash is in hoofington for the summer"
Applejack: You’d reckon that the head of RD’s fan club would know that.
Anon: Unless she didn’t want Scootaloo to know... nah.
Scootaloo's head drooped
Rainbow Dash: “My face is melting! AH~!”
"Oh..... Ok then I should get going." "Don't you want your cupcake?" pinkie asked. "no Im good" Scootaloo called back.
Rainbow Dash: “But it was a wish granting cupcake! Oh well. [ munches on said pastry ] Wowie, that tasted so good, I wish I had another! Oh lookie here, a second cupcake! [munches on said pasty ] Wowie, that tasted so good--”
Scootaloo went home and grabbed her scooter and her wings started buzzing away.
Applejack: Scootaloo is actually a bee in disguise! I knew it!
Suddenly Scootaloo started to rise. Getting higher and higher. "WOAH." Scootaloo exclaimed. "Am... Am I flying? I AM!" She yelled.
Anon: Then she woke up.
Rainbow Dash: “Who knew flapping these things would make you fly?!”
But As she let go of the scooter to fly completely she fell down to earth. "AAAAAAHHHH" And then she hit the cold unforgiving earth.
Anon: “Yeah, blame me for being solid.”
Suddenly her eyes snapped open. "What?" Scootaloo rubbed her head and noticed a bit of blood.
Applejack: Scootaloo just became a mare.
Rainbow Dash: Or she’s been cut in half. There’s no middle ground.
"I must have tripped over a branch or something. Hey..... Where's my scooter?" She looked all over the area she had fallen down on. "Oh COME ON!" She yelled. "I'm gonna find who stole my scooter and when I do I'm gonna make them pay!"
Anon: “I’m going to liquefy that son of a mule! I’m gonna pulverize their skulls like a ripened melon! I will not rest until— oh hey, it’s right next to me.”
She turned back towards The library and started to look for her scooter.
[ All yelp and jolt forward in their seats, then slam back into them ]
Anon: WHOA! Watch those sudden verb-tense-shifts, buddy! You could'a thrown the engine right out through the hood!
Applejack: Wait, I thought she was at-- you know what? Maybe she’s got brain damage from that fall and forgot.
Thirty minutes later she was still looking for it. "If only I has watched where I was going. Hey. I'll ask twilight if she has a spell that can find it!" Scootaloo said excitedly. (Knock knock knock.)
Applejack: Uh, who’s there?
Anon: Ima.
Applejack: Ima who?
Anon: Ima psychiatrist. I'm here 'cause you wont open up!
Rainbow Dash: [ face hooves ]
The purple unicorn answer the door. "Oh hi Scootaloo." "Twilight ya gotta help me! I lost my scooter and I need magical help to find it."
Anon: “Well Scootaloo, I’ve been busy researching about how to discombobulate DNA for my dissertation tomorrow, and I got this wormhole in my basement that might end all life on this planet as we know it to deal with, but sure, I’ll help you find your scooter.”
Twilight thought for a bit. "I have a tracking spell that might work." Twilight concentrated real hard.
Applejack: Not on the rug, I just cleaned that! Bad Twilight, bad!
Anon: No research grant for you!
Her horn glowed with magic and then there was a blinding light as Twilight cast the spell. Then the light dimmed. "Uuuh" Twilight felt dizzy. "You okay Twilight?" Twilight shook her head a bit
Rainbow Dash: “I’m going to hollow you out and make a fruit bowl out of you!-- I mean, what?”
"Yeah I'm fine. Your scooter is in the..... Everfreeforest!" Scootaloo gulped slightly.
"T-Thanks twilight. I'll go and..... Get it.... Right now... Into the everfreeforest I go"
Rainbow Dash: “By myself... all alone... little filly... trotting in a place with manticores... and timberwolves... and poison joke... all by myself... still bleeding...”
Anon: “Ellipses are... attacking me... ! Mykan has been... here... !”
Applejack: How’d that li’l fillies scooter get there in the first place?
Twilight nodded "Yeah yeah. I need some water" and with that Scootaloo left and headed towards the everfreeforest.
Applejack: “Maybe I should follow her, or get a little search party, there are some mighty serious monsters in that forest, and her whole life might depend on-- hey, dinner’s ready!”
Chapter: Chapter 2: Into The Everfreeforest.As Scootaloo arrived at the everfreeforest
Anon: Either capitalize it or not, make up your mind.
she felt a chill run down her spine. "I sure wish I had applebloom or sweetie belle here with me. This place gives me the creeps." Scootaloo shivered and ventured into the forest. (ONE HOUR LATER)
Anon: HOW NOT TO WRITE A TRANSITION!
Scootaloo felt so tired of searching for her lost scooter.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, is that what she’s looking for? I hadn’t quite caught on yet.
It had to be somewhere. Suddenly there was a loud SNAP! Scootaloo quickly turned around and was greeted by a familiar face.
Applejack: Too bad the rest of the body was missin’.
"Hello little one. Out having some adventurous fun?" Scootaloo smiled as Zecora walked up to her. "Hi Zecora. I'm looking for my scooter have you sen it?"
Anon: “What's wrong with your words? Is your logic backwards?”
Zecora thought for a second "Come on to my friendly ground. And then we shall see what I have found." As they walked to Zecora's house Scootaloo almost walked into some poison joke. "Woah. I gotta be more careful"
Rainbow Dash: Wow, what a nonstop thrill ride!
Applejack: My heart *huff* was in my throat!
Anon: I hope we can take a break from this action packed monster of a story!
When the arrived at Zecora's hut Scootaloo saw her scooter on the front porch. "MY SCOOTER. Where did you find it?"
Anon: “It fell from the sky and gorged itself into several squirrels, why do you ask?”
Applejack: “It’s a good thin’ too; I needed more carcases for my next task.”
"A little bunny gave it to me. Then he scampered off into that tree." Scootaloo almost went to chase it but then thought it wouldn't be if any use.
Rainbow Dash: See, she’s smart. How could some pony like that get all F’s?
"Thanks for helping Zecora" The zebra just nodded and left.
Applejack: To where, her second hut beneath the first one?
Rainbow Dash: Another dimension?
Anon: Trapped in the past, Doctor Zecora finds herself leaping from life to life, putting things right, that once went wrong and hoping each time, that her next leap will be the leap home.
Now that she had her scooter back maybe she'd vist Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash: Why? Scootaloo has been through so much agony and grief.
Applejack: We powerfully need a moment to collect ourselves here.
As she got close she could hear noises. "What's that sound?" She put her head against the door listening in "Hey hey HEEEEY STAY OUTTTA MAH SHED!"
Anon: Oh, jump in a conflagration that is my hatred, fanfic.
Scootaloo backed away and run in the other direction. Then fluttershys door opened "I hope I wasn't watching videos to loudly. Oh my"
Anon: Yeah, Fluttershy strikes me as some pony who would watch a Ren and Stimpy style parody that depicts herself butchering one of her best friends.
Applejack: It’s always the quiet ones...
As Scootaloo scootered home it started to rain. "Aw crap" While she rode on her thoughts drifted to her fellow crusaders. Then Scootaloo wondered why some of the rain drops tasted of salt.
Anon: Oh, that’s just some pony at the weather factory getting crunked on salt licks on the job.
Rainbow Dash: Did... did you just say “crunked”?
Anon: Am I cool yet?
Rainbow Dash: … Sure, why not.
She came to a halt and realized she had no where to go.
Applejack: How about your home?
Maybe I can stay with twilight. So she walked to Twilight's.
Anon: Is the narrator ditching their own story? Can’t really blame them.
Once there she knock four times.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, maybe these numbers are important later! Why else would a writer be this specific?
Twilight opened the door.Hello Scootaloo I see you found your scooter. Is there something you needed?"
Anon: A creative writing course? Or even a school diploma? Oh, wait, you’re talking to Scootaloo, not the author.
Scootaloo was doing all she could to not cry." Could I stay here..... Just for the night!" "Sure thing.
Rainbow Dash: “Just stop yelling at me!”
Just keep it down spikes asleep." "Thanks twilight" Scootaloo smiled as she walked further into the library.
Applejack: She tried climbin’ the stairs, but she keeps fallin’ down on them like a tennis ball.
Chapter: Chapter 3: Scootaloo and the melon of doom!
Applejack: I smell some wacky hijinks y’all!
Anon: Or my deodorant wore off.
Rainbow Dash: Whatever, onwards!
As Scootaloo entered Twilight's house she went upstairs to go to bed for it was late.
Anon: I’m not afraid I’m wearing a tie you go home.
As she passed the kitchen she saw a wonderful sight. A big juicy Watermelon. Scootaloo walked over to it and smelled it.
Rainbow Dash: She then started rubbing it into her mane. No one knew what this meant.
Her wings went erect with a slight *pomf*.
Anon: [ claps hands against his face ]
Twilight looked over at her and smirked. "Having fun are we?" Scootaloo turned around and blushed. "Uh I just like watermelons. And this one is amazing. Could I try some?"
Rainbow Dash: “I mean, I really love watermelons. Could you turn around and leave for a bit? I need a few minutes alone with my... hmm... watermelon...”
Anon: She then takes a wooden mallet and pounds said watermelon with it while cracking jokes.
Twilight used her magic to cut a slice of melon for Scootaloo. Scootaloo bit into the lucious fruit. It exploded flavor in her mouth.
Applejack: I’d reckon Scootaloo was taken to the hospital after that. It doesn’t look good for her.
"MMMMM JUICY!" Scootaloo finished her slice in seconds.
As she licked the fruits juice off her hooves she realized how late it was. "Woah. I'm gonna hit they hay twilight. Night"And with thsr she went upstairs.
Anon: Good thing Scootaloo can go intangible at will.
Applejack: Wasn’t there a li’l sub-plot about her flyin’? Wouldn't that be a more interestin’ read?
Rainbow Dash: A Slice-of-Life comedy this is not.
As she got into bed her thoughts drifted to the melon. "Uhg I need more! No. I'll wait till tomorrow" Ahe looked at the night stand and saw a book intitled 'Cupcakes'
"This sonds fun!
Rainbow Dash: What she didn’t noticed was the subtext “Magic is Kinky.” That poor filly.
Maybe it's a bedtime story. Hmm it's about rainbow dash! AWESOME" (20 minutes later) "Who could be twisted enough to write that?!" She looked for a different book "The rainbow factory? This HAS to be an education book" (37 minutes later) Scootaloo wanted to throw up.
Anon: Yeah, the amount of stupidity from that story had the same effect on me too.
Applejack: How come Twi has these horrible stories in her library in the first place?
"One more book just one that inst a slash story!" She saw a book called 'sweet apple mas///ure' "Part of the titles faded.... I'll read it. I mean it's about apples!" (18 minutes later) "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PONIES?! THAT WAS AWFULL WHY WAS I IN IT?! Big Mac wouldn't do that!!!"
Anon: I know, right? The OOC-ness was just baffling, and Big Mac never had a real reason to do any of those things. That’s the substantial problem with “grim-dark” fan fictions, they’re so lame--
Rainbow: [ rolls eyes ] Oh, here we go. Well, time for a nap I guess. [ tries to catch some winks, but Anon’s droning about things no one could possibly care about is keeping her from a little shut eye ]
Anon: --they live near the Everfree Forest, Tartarus, not to mention that most of the back story is deep in Norse mythology, you’d think that--
Rainbow Dash: *sigh* Sorry about this Anon... [ Rainbow Dash lightly smacks Anon across the face ]
Anon: [shakes his head for a bit ] Wait, what are we doing?
Applejack: No offence Anon, but it looks like someone is gettin’ themselves all worked up over nothin’.
Anon: Hey, when did you two get here?
Applejack: [ at Anon ] What in the hay... ?
Scootaloo ran to the bathroom and puked. Twice. As she walked to the stair case she passed the kitchen and saw the watermelon.
Anon: Since it was never properly refrigerated, it’s all mushy and rotten, with flies buzzing around it and laying eggs in it.
Rainbow Dash: Scootaloo didn’t noticed.
She walked up to it and reached out to touch it but then pulled back. "I don't need it. I don't need it" sweat dropped down her orange body "I defintly don't need it. I don't need it. I don't...." She stared at it. "I NEED IT!!!!!" She lost all control and dove into the juicy fruit.
Rainbow Dash: Snapping her neck on contact.
She lapped away at the flowing juices. She ate the entire thing! But then. Twilight came down stairs. "What's going on? SCOOTALOO. THAT WAS FOR A PICNIC. Sigh.
Anon: Well, maybe you should of stored it better.
Applejack: Did she actually say “sigh”?
Well I guess it's okay. But don't do it again!" Scootaloo bowed her head in shame "I'm sorry twilight. I really am." "I forgive you."
Rainbow Dash: [ exorbitantly sarcastic ] Wow, such drama! This story had me going for a while, and I didn’t think I could take it. It was all kazaam, and then-- BOOM-- instant stop! This is so awesome!
And then they hugged. And went to bed. (THE NEXT DAY)
Anon: Every time the story does that I feel like I’m being punched in the face.
As Scootaloo left Twilight's house she saw a taxi pull up at Sugercube corner. She saw the apple family and rarity and sweetie belle exit the taxi. "APPLEBLOOM SWEETIE BELLE!" "SCOOTALOO"!
Anon: “Kagome!” “Inuyasha” “Dexter!” “Mandark!”
The three fillys ran towards each other and hugged. " I missed you guys so much!" "We missed y'all to! Oh yeah we got y'all a present. It's a rainbow sprinkled cupcake with a hint of apple!" And with that Scootaloo threw up.
Applejack: Such a touchin’ story. I really feel the warmth in my heart... or my stomach is about to burst. Whatever.
The End (of this chapter)
Rainbow Dash: Oh, thanks for clarifying that, I wouldn’t have guessed that the end of the chapter was the end of the chapter.
Scootaloo's Best Day EverAnon: I bet the title is secretly ironic.
by ObscureChapter: 1
Chapter: 1“Hiya Scoots!” called the most awesome pony in Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash: Spitfire, or maybe Daring Do?
Anon: Starswril the Bearded?
Applejack: Speaking of Darin’ Do, has any pony told ya that you kinda look like her, Rainbow?
Rainbow Dash: I don’t see the resemblance.
“Hi Rainbow Dash,” the filly stood at eager attention having apparently spent no time traversing positions from when she had been laying down under the tree idly looking at the sky.
Applejack: Try and say that in one breath.
“Your wings look bigger now.”
Anon: Rainbow is obviously shrinking.
Scootaloo looked back at her wings, they didn't look bigger at all. They had always been a little small for her age leaving her impatiently waiting for a growth spurt to correct them. It was a source of insecurity for her.
Anon: It’s a good thing Rainbow is a lighthearted pony, otherwise that crack about Scootaloo’s wings would’ve been seen as an insult.
“Do you want me to teach you how to use them?”
“Really? I mean... do you think I can?” This was amazing, the best flier in Ponyville offering to teach her to fly!
Applejack: “Try flappin’ your wings harder.”
Rainbow Dash: “I didn’t think of that. Thanks Rainbow Dash!”
“I think it's okay if we try.” Dash gave her a grin that made her little fan-filly knees quiver.
Applejack: Is li’l Scoot’s scared or excited?
Anon: Scare-cited?
“Where do we start?”
“Just show me what you can do. See if you can get into a hover.”
“um,” Scootaloo knew this was where it would all fall apart. She didn't want to. She didn't want to be ashamed in front of her idol. Rainbow Dash wouldn't want to train a stunted little creature like her.
Applejack: If you were good at flyin’, you wouldn't be asking for help, would you now? You silly filly.
“Just try it,” Dash reached out nudged her wing.
The filly's wings popped open.
Applejack: They just up an’ exploded?
Anon: I guess Scootaloo was really excited.
Rainbow Dash: Remind me to pulverize you later, okay Anon?
Grudgingly Scootaloo started her wings. There was a sputtering choking sound as they started and they fluttered intermittently threatening to stall. Once they where going at a good speed she put it into gear.
Rainbow Dash: Is Scootaloo a machine?
Anon: Or maybe a transformer! Scootaloo, more than meets the eye!
She came to a sudden stop, two hooves forward from her previous position with a terrible gear grinding sound.
“You have to keep the brake on. Now just slide it into first gear.”
Anon: Uh, I was only kidding before... Is she really an automaton?
Applejack: I think these are supposed t’be jokes.
Rainbow Dash: Then why aren’t we laughing?
The humming sound that Scootaloo's wings made took on a higher pitch.
Anon: So high pitched that every pony's heads blew apart. She’s a Scanner.
“Angle the wing more like this to get your thrust focused down.”
To the filly's amazement the grass at her feet was starting to sway in the breeze.
Applejack: Look out! Hurricane!!
“Good, good, now slowly ease off on the brake.”
Scootaloo's eyes went wide as her for-hooves left the ground.
“Just a little more gas.”
Anon: Okay, jokes over. You can stop with the car puns now.
Scootaloo closed her eyes tight as she put more effort into her wing speed.
“Little more.”
A hind hoof left the ground. Just one more. One more leg and she'd be doing it.
“Just a little bit more! You can do it!”
Rainbow Dash: “Wait until... no don’t do that OH DEAR CELESTIA DON’T-- just kidding; you're doing fine kid.”
The flight muscles across Scootaloo's chest were heating up.
Anon: She’s got a chestburster ready to rip out!
The hum of her wings was now a whine.
A hoof placed it's self under her's and carefully delicately picked her up. Like she weighed nothing.
“You're so close aren't you!” Rainbow Dash sounded proud.
Anon: That should be a question right!
The filly's eyes were closed and her face was dripping with sweat but she couldn't help grinning as she was held aloft by her beloved Rainbow.
Applejack: ‘Beloved’? I don’t think I like where this is goin’.
Was this the most perfect moment of her life? Yes, yes it was.
Rainbow Dash: She flapped her wings for a bit and grunted. Hurray.
And then her wings stalled. They didn't slowly slide to a stop. They just jammed mid stroke. And then Scootaloo fell. Just like she always did.
Anon: [ vocalizing ] Falling down, falling down~! [ an apple-pie collides into his face ]
Applejack: Nice shot RD!
And then Rainbow Dash caught her. In her forelegs. Wrapped in blue as blue as the sky embraced to a muscular chest, safe, secure and in a wondrous place she had never imagined being.
“Easy kid, that was a great first lesson.”
She totally just said “first lesson.” As in of several.
Rainbow Dash: The next lesson involves cliffs and fillies being thrown off them.
Then Scootaloo was hugging Dash back. She didn't care if it was sappy. Or that her wings hurt or that she couldn't flying yet. Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, was going to take the time to teach her to fly. She cared about her. Her idol. Cared about her.
Today was the greatest day of her life.
Anon: [ crooning lifelessly ]“Live my life~... for the rose~...”
Rainbow Dash: [ at Anon ] No one’s going to get that, you know.
A gentle hoof touched her face and lifted her up. Scootaloo was hesitant to stop nuzzling Dash's chest. She looked up into those glorious, bold eyes and she wondered what that expression they held was.
Applejack: Hey, that’s pretty touchin’. Maybe this here story won't be so bad--
And then Dash kissed her.
Rainbow Dash: [ she stares blankly at the screen for a full beat, then claps her forehooves to her face in disgust. Her two companions sympathetically pat her on the back ] When will this all just end?
Full on the lips. Aggressive.
Anon: You know what’s worse than this? Nothing!
It took a few seconds for Scootaloo to decide she was okay with this. She kissed back. Her wings stroked awkwardly at the air trying to push herself deeper into the kiss.
Anon: She has all the grace of a straight jacket escape.
It was sweet and beautiful and something was out of place.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, you mean besides me kissing a filly that’s still in grade school?!
And then it was over.
Applejack: If only...
Rainbow Dash: [ deadly serious ] If I ever meet this author, I'm gonna stomp his stupid face in.
Panting for breath the filly staggered to her feet. Did that just really happen? It was incredible. It was unbelievable.
Rainbow Dash: The only people who would think this was a good fanfic all come from a neighborhood where 3rd grade is considered a graduate program.
A tail teasingly brushed her face.
“Come along Scoots. We should continue this in private.” That smug grin flashed.
Anon: [ holds his stomach in pain ] It’s Tails of Spikes Harem all over again...
Continue? What did that mean? She said it like it was obvious. She said it like everyone knew that there was stuff you did after a kiss.
Applejack: Call the authorities, run on home, and cry into your pillow?
There was stuff you did after a kiss? And she was going to get to do that, whatever that was, with Rainbow freaking Dash!?
Rainbow Dash: “Maybe we’re going to get ice cream together!”
Anon: “Or maybe an Icee! This’ll be fun!”
Scootaloo trotted in place in joy her little fan-filly heart threatening to burst with excitement.
“Kiddo, you coming or what?” Dash sounded a little impatient.
And Scootaloo was at her side. There were speed lines.
Applejack: I suppressed my pain of laughter.
“This is so awesome!” Scootaloo squealed.
“I am, aren't I?”
Anon: Yeah, making out with some pony half your age is the apex of magnificent.
Dash led her a short ways to a rarely visited section of Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack: The pig pen? Seem suitable considering’ what’s gonna happen if you ask me.
The blue mare kept catching her in the face with her tail and making them both laugh.
Scootaloo found her self on her back, looking up at Dash. What did come after a kiss exactly? Another kiss apparently.
Rainbow Dash: [ lifelessly ] “Brains... must feed...”
Slower this time, more careful. A tongue brushed past her lips and she welcomed it. Tongues moving together with slowly increasing vigor.
And the lips parted, the kiss stopped.
Scootaloo looked up at a breathless Rainbow Dash and knew that there was more, a lot more in store for her.
Anon: Abruptly, there were otherworldly skeletal hands who pulled Scootaloo and Rainbow into the earth, silencing them forever.
And then there was a rainbow coloured blur and the sound a sledgehammer makes when it impacts with wood.
Applejack: “I got the demolition permit right here, I’m sure enough this here is the right place!”
Rainbow Dash was hurt! She was sprawled out against broken tree. Surrounded by fresh wood debris.
“What the hay do you think you're doing?!” Bellowed the mare looming over the prone Rainbow Dash.
Anon: Who ever this mare this mare is, I’ll do anything you ask, just end this fanfic!
Scootaloo got to her hooves, intent to defend her hero from... Rainbow Dash?
Anon: Uh... [ chuckles embarrassingly ] I guess I owe you another one, huh Dash?
Rainbow Dash: Hmm... I think I’ll settle with you buying lunch again. And helping AJ with... whatever she does on a farm besides apple bucking in my place. And--
Anon: Yeah yeah, I get it. The usual, then?
Rainbow Dash: You know it!
Applejack: I think we're gettin’ off topic here.
“Ha! Yeah, you got me.” Admitted the stricken Dash before bolting straight up in a streak of rainbow.
Applejack: A changelin’. I gotta say, I didn't see that one comin’ at all.
Rainbow Dash: Sure, why not. Doesn’t even faze me anymore.
The two rainbows dueled in the sky. Scootaloo knew there could be only one winner. The real Rainbow Dash.
It was kind of exciting to watch.
If Scootaloo didn't already know.
Anon: The answer too 3x^2-2√(3)xy+y^2+2x+2√(3)y=0 ?
The real Rainbow Dash would never kiss her and certainly never do anything that comes after kissing with her.
Applejack: Well, of course! Who would think that was a possibility in the first place?!
Anon: And the real Scootaloo would never even want Rainbow to kiss her. I never thought I would have to say that.
The real Rainbow Dash would never ever teach her to fly.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, what? Just ask, Scoots, I wouldn't let you down!
Applejack: Uh, the fanfic can’t hear you, Rainbow.
Scootaloo was very young still and as the feelings welled up in her knew she wouldn't be able to make it home. But she took pride in how tough she was, she wasn't soft like most other fillies.
Anon: Yeah, who needs to express emotions? Especially to the ones that can help out.
That's why she curled into a ball and hid her face behind her hooves. That is why she clenched her teeth just tight as she could.
Rainbow Dash: “I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that food... ”
In hope that no one would hear or see her wail like a baby.
Anon: Like what we're going to do every time we think back to this fanfic.
Anon: Well, that was certainly a time and a half.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, you know what? I think I’ll pay Scootaloo a visit. It could help me get out of this funk, and she likes the attention.
Applejack: That’s mighty kind of you Rainbow. Here, take one of these pies for the two of ya. I got plenty left.
Anon: Just try not to do anything weird— I mean, have fun Rainbow! Say "hi" to the little filly for us, okay?
Rainbow Dash: Heh, will do. See ya! [ takes off in flight ]
Anon: [ smiles for a bit, then realizes something ] Hey, did she get out of the prank just like that? [chuckles ] That clever little sneak.
Applejack: Speaking of which, I gotta get home and... not be here anymore. It was fun and all, but it’s a bit draining, you know? [ starts to trot off ] Later Anon!
Anon: [ waves at AJ as she leaves ] This is the part where I get locked in— [ the doors close and fastening, and the lights turn off ] Figures.
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] Oh Anon, we still need to toughen you up, remember? So I thought “Hey Pinkie, you’ve got a bit more time on your hooves, why not use them to help out Anon’s weak babyish stomach and his feeble riffing style that he so desperately needs improvement badly?” So, that’s exactly what we're gonna do. Don’t worry, they’re just little quick ones. [ in a sing-song tone ] And I got a lot of snacks for us to eat~
Anon: I guess so--
Pinkie Pie: Great! Now, where’s my prank fanfic collection... Oh, here they are--
[ Pinkie trips over her own hooves and falls face-first into the button, and we hear the pink bubbly mare say something about being okay as the TV goes off with a blip ]
Oh, and before I forget, extra mega big thanks to Reasonandrhyme with pre/prof-reading some of my riffs! Good luck on your first fanfic!
I changed up AJ dialect a bit from the last time I did a riff with her involved, as the comments from my last riff suggested it (and I completely agree with), so I hope I did a better job this time around.
Anyway, let’s get this horror train started, shall we? When we last left off, Anon got pulverized by Rainbow when she was demonstrating to Applejack how a brohoof is supposed to work...
Applejack: Is he gonna be okay?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, he’s fine. You can tell because he’s still twitching.
Applejack: I don’t know, Anon took that hit pretty hard.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, I guess we should try not to make him unconscious. But how?
Applejack: Oh, I got it! I heard from Twilight what to do in these situations! [ she kneels down to Anon’s level, and starts whacking his head a few times ] Okay Anon, stop bein’ unconscious now.
Anon: [ groggily ] Okay, I’m awake! [ AJ conks him once more for good measure ] Wow! I died and I’ve been reborn, I’ve seen the light and the complete truth and-- oh. I’m still here, aren’t I?
Rainbow: Yep. Sorry about almost killing you back there.
Anon: Hey, does this mean the riff is over?
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] The last one is, but the prank train is still chugging along! This time, I got two real quick capers for the price of one! I thought that if one joke is a ton of fun in the sun, having two would bedouble the fun! Yay me! I’m so brilliant. [ a beat passes ] Anyway, I pick a theme this time, a Scootaloo theme! Filly needs the attention, you know? Now, prepare yourselves! It’s about to get A Little More Than Useless and Scootaloo’s Best Day Ever all up in here!
Anon: Oh. Say, can you mares knock me out again?
Applejack: No doing there, partner. You're not getting out of this that easily.
[ buzzers sound ]
All: We've got story sign!
Chapter 1: The Beginning of boredom
Rainbow Dash: Hey, the fanfic is reading our minds!
Anon: They say that art imitates life, and I’m really bored here too!
The school bell rang. "Sigh. Welcome to Summer Scoots"
Applejack: That sounds like a breakfast cereal I reckon.
Anon: “Now in new Chicken flavor!” I completely apologize for that.
the orange blank flanked filly said. It had been one week since applebloom and sweetie bell left for vacation.
Rainbow Dash: But what about Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle? Unless you think that your friends are just things and not actual ponies.
Scootaloo had gotten one to many F's and this was her punishment.
Anon: “I thought the F’s meant “Fantastic!” That’s what Rainbow Dash said... hey, wait a minute!”
She walked away from the school house in shame. "Why couldn't I be smart like twilight?"
Anon: But that book series stinks on ice! Not that I would know from personal experience, of course...
Scootaloo asked herself. She walked aimlessly for ten minutes and found herself at sugar cube corner.
Applejack: That place has its own center of gravity I guess.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, Pinkie really did let herself go.
She decided to get something since she was here.
She opened the door and was greeted by the sight of cake and pinkie pie. "Hi there Scootaloo." the pink mare asked her. "Need something?"
Anon: Proper knowledge on how to use the shift key? I mean, you’re aware of it, but you seem to go out of your way to make this look so backwards. I don’t get it.
"Naw just some normal cupcakes"
Anon: … Too easy. Even I’m not that desperate. Yet.
"Comin right up!" pinkie said as she hoped away.
Applejack: Smashin’ her head into the ceilin’ with every hop. Pinkie didn’t even noticed.
"Well atleast pinkie pie is still here" she grumbled. When pinkie came back Scootaloo asked if rainbow dash was around. "Oh rainbow dash is in hoofington for the summer"
Applejack: You’d reckon that the head of RD’s fan club would know that.
Anon: Unless she didn’t want Scootaloo to know... nah.
Scootaloo's head drooped
Rainbow Dash: “My face is melting! AH~!”
"Oh..... Ok then I should get going." "Don't you want your cupcake?" pinkie asked. "no Im good" Scootaloo called back.
Rainbow Dash: “But it was a wish granting cupcake! Oh well. [ munches on said pastry ] Wowie, that tasted so good, I wish I had another! Oh lookie here, a second cupcake! [munches on said pasty ] Wowie, that tasted so good--”
Scootaloo went home and grabbed her scooter and her wings started buzzing away.
Applejack: Scootaloo is actually a bee in disguise! I knew it!
Suddenly Scootaloo started to rise. Getting higher and higher. "WOAH." Scootaloo exclaimed. "Am... Am I flying? I AM!" She yelled.
Anon: Then she woke up.
Rainbow Dash: “Who knew flapping these things would make you fly?!”
But As she let go of the scooter to fly completely she fell down to earth. "AAAAAAHHHH" And then she hit the cold unforgiving earth.
Anon: “Yeah, blame me for being solid.”
Suddenly her eyes snapped open. "What?" Scootaloo rubbed her head and noticed a bit of blood.
Applejack: Scootaloo just became a mare.
Rainbow Dash: Or she’s been cut in half. There’s no middle ground.
"I must have tripped over a branch or something. Hey..... Where's my scooter?" She looked all over the area she had fallen down on. "Oh COME ON!" She yelled. "I'm gonna find who stole my scooter and when I do I'm gonna make them pay!"
Anon: “I’m going to liquefy that son of a mule! I’m gonna pulverize their skulls like a ripened melon! I will not rest until— oh hey, it’s right next to me.”
She turned back towards The library and started to look for her scooter.
[ All yelp and jolt forward in their seats, then slam back into them ]
Anon: WHOA! Watch those sudden verb-tense-shifts, buddy! You could'a thrown the engine right out through the hood!
Applejack: Wait, I thought she was at-- you know what? Maybe she’s got brain damage from that fall and forgot.
Thirty minutes later she was still looking for it. "If only I has watched where I was going. Hey. I'll ask twilight if she has a spell that can find it!" Scootaloo said excitedly. (Knock knock knock.)
Applejack: Uh, who’s there?
Anon: Ima.
Applejack: Ima who?
Anon: Ima psychiatrist. I'm here 'cause you wont open up!
Rainbow Dash: [ face hooves ]
The purple unicorn answer the door. "Oh hi Scootaloo." "Twilight ya gotta help me! I lost my scooter and I need magical help to find it."
Anon: “Well Scootaloo, I’ve been busy researching about how to discombobulate DNA for my dissertation tomorrow, and I got this wormhole in my basement that might end all life on this planet as we know it to deal with, but sure, I’ll help you find your scooter.”
Twilight thought for a bit. "I have a tracking spell that might work." Twilight concentrated real hard.
Applejack: Not on the rug, I just cleaned that! Bad Twilight, bad!
Anon: No research grant for you!
Her horn glowed with magic and then there was a blinding light as Twilight cast the spell. Then the light dimmed. "Uuuh" Twilight felt dizzy. "You okay Twilight?" Twilight shook her head a bit
Rainbow Dash: “I’m going to hollow you out and make a fruit bowl out of you!-- I mean, what?”
"Yeah I'm fine. Your scooter is in the..... Everfreeforest!" Scootaloo gulped slightly.
"T-Thanks twilight. I'll go and..... Get it.... Right now... Into the everfreeforest I go"
Rainbow Dash: “By myself... all alone... little filly... trotting in a place with manticores... and timberwolves... and poison joke... all by myself... still bleeding...”
Anon: “Ellipses are... attacking me... ! Mykan has been... here... !”
Applejack: How’d that li’l fillies scooter get there in the first place?
Twilight nodded "Yeah yeah. I need some water" and with that Scootaloo left and headed towards the everfreeforest.
Applejack: “Maybe I should follow her, or get a little search party, there are some mighty serious monsters in that forest, and her whole life might depend on-- hey, dinner’s ready!”
Chapter: Chapter 2: Into The Everfreeforest.As Scootaloo arrived at the everfreeforest
Anon: Either capitalize it or not, make up your mind.
she felt a chill run down her spine. "I sure wish I had applebloom or sweetie belle here with me. This place gives me the creeps." Scootaloo shivered and ventured into the forest. (ONE HOUR LATER)
Anon: HOW NOT TO WRITE A TRANSITION!
Scootaloo felt so tired of searching for her lost scooter.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, is that what she’s looking for? I hadn’t quite caught on yet.
It had to be somewhere. Suddenly there was a loud SNAP! Scootaloo quickly turned around and was greeted by a familiar face.
Applejack: Too bad the rest of the body was missin’.
"Hello little one. Out having some adventurous fun?" Scootaloo smiled as Zecora walked up to her. "Hi Zecora. I'm looking for my scooter have you sen it?"
Anon: “What's wrong with your words? Is your logic backwards?”
Zecora thought for a second "Come on to my friendly ground. And then we shall see what I have found." As they walked to Zecora's house Scootaloo almost walked into some poison joke. "Woah. I gotta be more careful"
Rainbow Dash: Wow, what a nonstop thrill ride!
Applejack: My heart *huff* was in my throat!
Anon: I hope we can take a break from this action packed monster of a story!
When the arrived at Zecora's hut Scootaloo saw her scooter on the front porch. "MY SCOOTER. Where did you find it?"
Anon: “It fell from the sky and gorged itself into several squirrels, why do you ask?”
Applejack: “It’s a good thin’ too; I needed more carcases for my next task.”
"A little bunny gave it to me. Then he scampered off into that tree." Scootaloo almost went to chase it but then thought it wouldn't be if any use.
Rainbow Dash: See, she’s smart. How could some pony like that get all F’s?
"Thanks for helping Zecora" The zebra just nodded and left.
Applejack: To where, her second hut beneath the first one?
Rainbow Dash: Another dimension?
Anon: Trapped in the past, Doctor Zecora finds herself leaping from life to life, putting things right, that once went wrong and hoping each time, that her next leap will be the leap home.
Now that she had her scooter back maybe she'd vist Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash: Why? Scootaloo has been through so much agony and grief.
Applejack: We powerfully need a moment to collect ourselves here.
As she got close she could hear noises. "What's that sound?" She put her head against the door listening in "Hey hey HEEEEY STAY OUTTTA MAH SHED!"
Anon: Oh, jump in a conflagration that is my hatred, fanfic.
Scootaloo backed away and run in the other direction. Then fluttershys door opened "I hope I wasn't watching videos to loudly. Oh my"
Anon: Yeah, Fluttershy strikes me as some pony who would watch a Ren and Stimpy style parody that depicts herself butchering one of her best friends.
Applejack: It’s always the quiet ones...
As Scootaloo scootered home it started to rain. "Aw crap" While she rode on her thoughts drifted to her fellow crusaders. Then Scootaloo wondered why some of the rain drops tasted of salt.
Anon: Oh, that’s just some pony at the weather factory getting crunked on salt licks on the job.
Rainbow Dash: Did... did you just say “crunked”?
Anon: Am I cool yet?
Rainbow Dash: … Sure, why not.
She came to a halt and realized she had no where to go.
Applejack: How about your home?
Maybe I can stay with twilight. So she walked to Twilight's.
Anon: Is the narrator ditching their own story? Can’t really blame them.
Once there she knock four times.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, maybe these numbers are important later! Why else would a writer be this specific?
Twilight opened the door.Hello Scootaloo I see you found your scooter. Is there something you needed?"
Anon: A creative writing course? Or even a school diploma? Oh, wait, you’re talking to Scootaloo, not the author.
Scootaloo was doing all she could to not cry." Could I stay here..... Just for the night!" "Sure thing.
Rainbow Dash: “Just stop yelling at me!”
Just keep it down spikes asleep." "Thanks twilight" Scootaloo smiled as she walked further into the library.
Applejack: She tried climbin’ the stairs, but she keeps fallin’ down on them like a tennis ball.
Chapter: Chapter 3: Scootaloo and the melon of doom!
Applejack: I smell some wacky hijinks y’all!
Anon: Or my deodorant wore off.
Rainbow Dash: Whatever, onwards!
As Scootaloo entered Twilight's house she went upstairs to go to bed for it was late.
Anon: I’m not afraid I’m wearing a tie you go home.
As she passed the kitchen she saw a wonderful sight. A big juicy Watermelon. Scootaloo walked over to it and smelled it.
Rainbow Dash: She then started rubbing it into her mane. No one knew what this meant.
Her wings went erect with a slight *pomf*.
Anon: [ claps hands against his face ]
Twilight looked over at her and smirked. "Having fun are we?" Scootaloo turned around and blushed. "Uh I just like watermelons. And this one is amazing. Could I try some?"
Rainbow Dash: “I mean, I really love watermelons. Could you turn around and leave for a bit? I need a few minutes alone with my... hmm... watermelon...”
Anon: She then takes a wooden mallet and pounds said watermelon with it while cracking jokes.
Twilight used her magic to cut a slice of melon for Scootaloo. Scootaloo bit into the lucious fruit. It exploded flavor in her mouth.
Applejack: I’d reckon Scootaloo was taken to the hospital after that. It doesn’t look good for her.
"MMMMM JUICY!" Scootaloo finished her slice in seconds.
As she licked the fruits juice off her hooves she realized how late it was. "Woah. I'm gonna hit they hay twilight. Night"And with thsr she went upstairs.
Anon: Good thing Scootaloo can go intangible at will.
Applejack: Wasn’t there a li’l sub-plot about her flyin’? Wouldn't that be a more interestin’ read?
Rainbow Dash: A Slice-of-Life comedy this is not.
As she got into bed her thoughts drifted to the melon. "Uhg I need more! No. I'll wait till tomorrow" Ahe looked at the night stand and saw a book intitled 'Cupcakes'
"This sonds fun!
Rainbow Dash: What she didn’t noticed was the subtext “Magic is Kinky.” That poor filly.
Maybe it's a bedtime story. Hmm it's about rainbow dash! AWESOME" (20 minutes later) "Who could be twisted enough to write that?!" She looked for a different book "The rainbow factory? This HAS to be an education book" (37 minutes later) Scootaloo wanted to throw up.
Anon: Yeah, the amount of stupidity from that story had the same effect on me too.
Applejack: How come Twi has these horrible stories in her library in the first place?
"One more book just one that inst a slash story!" She saw a book called 'sweet apple mas///ure' "Part of the titles faded.... I'll read it. I mean it's about apples!" (18 minutes later) "WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PONIES?! THAT WAS AWFULL WHY WAS I IN IT?! Big Mac wouldn't do that!!!"
Anon: I know, right? The OOC-ness was just baffling, and Big Mac never had a real reason to do any of those things. That’s the substantial problem with “grim-dark” fan fictions, they’re so lame--
Rainbow: [ rolls eyes ] Oh, here we go. Well, time for a nap I guess. [ tries to catch some winks, but Anon’s droning about things no one could possibly care about is keeping her from a little shut eye ]
Anon: --they live near the Everfree Forest, Tartarus, not to mention that most of the back story is deep in Norse mythology, you’d think that--
Rainbow Dash: *sigh* Sorry about this Anon... [ Rainbow Dash lightly smacks Anon across the face ]
Anon: [shakes his head for a bit ] Wait, what are we doing?
Applejack: No offence Anon, but it looks like someone is gettin’ themselves all worked up over nothin’.
Anon: Hey, when did you two get here?
Applejack: [ at Anon ] What in the hay... ?
Scootaloo ran to the bathroom and puked. Twice. As she walked to the stair case she passed the kitchen and saw the watermelon.
Anon: Since it was never properly refrigerated, it’s all mushy and rotten, with flies buzzing around it and laying eggs in it.
Rainbow Dash: Scootaloo didn’t noticed.
She walked up to it and reached out to touch it but then pulled back. "I don't need it. I don't need it" sweat dropped down her orange body "I defintly don't need it. I don't need it. I don't...." She stared at it. "I NEED IT!!!!!" She lost all control and dove into the juicy fruit.
Rainbow Dash: Snapping her neck on contact.
She lapped away at the flowing juices. She ate the entire thing! But then. Twilight came down stairs. "What's going on? SCOOTALOO. THAT WAS FOR A PICNIC. Sigh.
Anon: Well, maybe you should of stored it better.
Applejack: Did she actually say “sigh”?
Well I guess it's okay. But don't do it again!" Scootaloo bowed her head in shame "I'm sorry twilight. I really am." "I forgive you."
Rainbow Dash: [ exorbitantly sarcastic ] Wow, such drama! This story had me going for a while, and I didn’t think I could take it. It was all kazaam, and then-- BOOM-- instant stop! This is so awesome!
And then they hugged. And went to bed. (THE NEXT DAY)
Anon: Every time the story does that I feel like I’m being punched in the face.
As Scootaloo left Twilight's house she saw a taxi pull up at Sugercube corner. She saw the apple family and rarity and sweetie belle exit the taxi. "APPLEBLOOM SWEETIE BELLE!" "SCOOTALOO"!
Anon: “Kagome!” “Inuyasha” “Dexter!” “Mandark!”
The three fillys ran towards each other and hugged. " I missed you guys so much!" "We missed y'all to! Oh yeah we got y'all a present. It's a rainbow sprinkled cupcake with a hint of apple!" And with that Scootaloo threw up.
Applejack: Such a touchin’ story. I really feel the warmth in my heart... or my stomach is about to burst. Whatever.
The End (of this chapter)
Rainbow Dash: Oh, thanks for clarifying that, I wouldn’t have guessed that the end of the chapter was the end of the chapter.
Scootaloo's Best Day EverAnon: I bet the title is secretly ironic.
by ObscureChapter: 1
Chapter: 1“Hiya Scoots!” called the most awesome pony in Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash: Spitfire, or maybe Daring Do?
Anon: Starswril the Bearded?
Applejack: Speaking of Darin’ Do, has any pony told ya that you kinda look like her, Rainbow?
Rainbow Dash: I don’t see the resemblance.
“Hi Rainbow Dash,” the filly stood at eager attention having apparently spent no time traversing positions from when she had been laying down under the tree idly looking at the sky.
Applejack: Try and say that in one breath.
“Your wings look bigger now.”
Anon: Rainbow is obviously shrinking.
Scootaloo looked back at her wings, they didn't look bigger at all. They had always been a little small for her age leaving her impatiently waiting for a growth spurt to correct them. It was a source of insecurity for her.
Anon: It’s a good thing Rainbow is a lighthearted pony, otherwise that crack about Scootaloo’s wings would’ve been seen as an insult.
“Do you want me to teach you how to use them?”
“Really? I mean... do you think I can?” This was amazing, the best flier in Ponyville offering to teach her to fly!
Applejack: “Try flappin’ your wings harder.”
Rainbow Dash: “I didn’t think of that. Thanks Rainbow Dash!”
“I think it's okay if we try.” Dash gave her a grin that made her little fan-filly knees quiver.
Applejack: Is li’l Scoot’s scared or excited?
Anon: Scare-cited?
“Where do we start?”
“Just show me what you can do. See if you can get into a hover.”
“um,” Scootaloo knew this was where it would all fall apart. She didn't want to. She didn't want to be ashamed in front of her idol. Rainbow Dash wouldn't want to train a stunted little creature like her.
Applejack: If you were good at flyin’, you wouldn't be asking for help, would you now? You silly filly.
“Just try it,” Dash reached out nudged her wing.
The filly's wings popped open.
Applejack: They just up an’ exploded?
Anon: I guess Scootaloo was really excited.
Rainbow Dash: Remind me to pulverize you later, okay Anon?
Grudgingly Scootaloo started her wings. There was a sputtering choking sound as they started and they fluttered intermittently threatening to stall. Once they where going at a good speed she put it into gear.
Rainbow Dash: Is Scootaloo a machine?
Anon: Or maybe a transformer! Scootaloo, more than meets the eye!
She came to a sudden stop, two hooves forward from her previous position with a terrible gear grinding sound.
“You have to keep the brake on. Now just slide it into first gear.”
Anon: Uh, I was only kidding before... Is she really an automaton?
Applejack: I think these are supposed t’be jokes.
Rainbow Dash: Then why aren’t we laughing?
The humming sound that Scootaloo's wings made took on a higher pitch.
Anon: So high pitched that every pony's heads blew apart. She’s a Scanner.
“Angle the wing more like this to get your thrust focused down.”
To the filly's amazement the grass at her feet was starting to sway in the breeze.
Applejack: Look out! Hurricane!!
“Good, good, now slowly ease off on the brake.”
Scootaloo's eyes went wide as her for-hooves left the ground.
“Just a little more gas.”
Anon: Okay, jokes over. You can stop with the car puns now.
Scootaloo closed her eyes tight as she put more effort into her wing speed.
“Little more.”
A hind hoof left the ground. Just one more. One more leg and she'd be doing it.
“Just a little bit more! You can do it!”
Rainbow Dash: “Wait until... no don’t do that OH DEAR CELESTIA DON’T-- just kidding; you're doing fine kid.”
The flight muscles across Scootaloo's chest were heating up.
Anon: She’s got a chestburster ready to rip out!
The hum of her wings was now a whine.
A hoof placed it's self under her's and carefully delicately picked her up. Like she weighed nothing.
“You're so close aren't you!” Rainbow Dash sounded proud.
Anon: That should be a question right!
The filly's eyes were closed and her face was dripping with sweat but she couldn't help grinning as she was held aloft by her beloved Rainbow.
Applejack: ‘Beloved’? I don’t think I like where this is goin’.
Was this the most perfect moment of her life? Yes, yes it was.
Rainbow Dash: She flapped her wings for a bit and grunted. Hurray.
And then her wings stalled. They didn't slowly slide to a stop. They just jammed mid stroke. And then Scootaloo fell. Just like she always did.
Anon: [ vocalizing ] Falling down, falling down~! [ an apple-pie collides into his face ]
Applejack: Nice shot RD!
And then Rainbow Dash caught her. In her forelegs. Wrapped in blue as blue as the sky embraced to a muscular chest, safe, secure and in a wondrous place she had never imagined being.
“Easy kid, that was a great first lesson.”
She totally just said “first lesson.” As in of several.
Rainbow Dash: The next lesson involves cliffs and fillies being thrown off them.
Then Scootaloo was hugging Dash back. She didn't care if it was sappy. Or that her wings hurt or that she couldn't flying yet. Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, was going to take the time to teach her to fly. She cared about her. Her idol. Cared about her.
Today was the greatest day of her life.
Anon: [ crooning lifelessly ]“Live my life~... for the rose~...”
Rainbow Dash: [ at Anon ] No one’s going to get that, you know.
A gentle hoof touched her face and lifted her up. Scootaloo was hesitant to stop nuzzling Dash's chest. She looked up into those glorious, bold eyes and she wondered what that expression they held was.
Applejack: Hey, that’s pretty touchin’. Maybe this here story won't be so bad--
And then Dash kissed her.
Rainbow Dash: [ she stares blankly at the screen for a full beat, then claps her forehooves to her face in disgust. Her two companions sympathetically pat her on the back ] When will this all just end?
Full on the lips. Aggressive.
Anon: You know what’s worse than this? Nothing!
It took a few seconds for Scootaloo to decide she was okay with this. She kissed back. Her wings stroked awkwardly at the air trying to push herself deeper into the kiss.
Anon: She has all the grace of a straight jacket escape.
It was sweet and beautiful and something was out of place.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, you mean besides me kissing a filly that’s still in grade school?!
And then it was over.
Applejack: If only...
Rainbow Dash: [ deadly serious ] If I ever meet this author, I'm gonna stomp his stupid face in.
Panting for breath the filly staggered to her feet. Did that just really happen? It was incredible. It was unbelievable.
Rainbow Dash: The only people who would think this was a good fanfic all come from a neighborhood where 3rd grade is considered a graduate program.
A tail teasingly brushed her face.
“Come along Scoots. We should continue this in private.” That smug grin flashed.
Anon: [ holds his stomach in pain ] It’s Tails of Spikes Harem all over again...
Continue? What did that mean? She said it like it was obvious. She said it like everyone knew that there was stuff you did after a kiss.
Applejack: Call the authorities, run on home, and cry into your pillow?
There was stuff you did after a kiss? And she was going to get to do that, whatever that was, with Rainbow freaking Dash!?
Rainbow Dash: “Maybe we’re going to get ice cream together!”
Anon: “Or maybe an Icee! This’ll be fun!”
Scootaloo trotted in place in joy her little fan-filly heart threatening to burst with excitement.
“Kiddo, you coming or what?” Dash sounded a little impatient.
And Scootaloo was at her side. There were speed lines.
Applejack: I suppressed my pain of laughter.
“This is so awesome!” Scootaloo squealed.
“I am, aren't I?”
Anon: Yeah, making out with some pony half your age is the apex of magnificent.
Dash led her a short ways to a rarely visited section of Sweet Apple Acres.
Applejack: The pig pen? Seem suitable considering’ what’s gonna happen if you ask me.
The blue mare kept catching her in the face with her tail and making them both laugh.
Scootaloo found her self on her back, looking up at Dash. What did come after a kiss exactly? Another kiss apparently.
Rainbow Dash: [ lifelessly ] “Brains... must feed...”
Slower this time, more careful. A tongue brushed past her lips and she welcomed it. Tongues moving together with slowly increasing vigor.
And the lips parted, the kiss stopped.
Scootaloo looked up at a breathless Rainbow Dash and knew that there was more, a lot more in store for her.
Anon: Abruptly, there were otherworldly skeletal hands who pulled Scootaloo and Rainbow into the earth, silencing them forever.
And then there was a rainbow coloured blur and the sound a sledgehammer makes when it impacts with wood.
Applejack: “I got the demolition permit right here, I’m sure enough this here is the right place!”
Rainbow Dash was hurt! She was sprawled out against broken tree. Surrounded by fresh wood debris.
“What the hay do you think you're doing?!” Bellowed the mare looming over the prone Rainbow Dash.
Anon: Who ever this mare this mare is, I’ll do anything you ask, just end this fanfic!
Scootaloo got to her hooves, intent to defend her hero from... Rainbow Dash?
Anon: Uh... [ chuckles embarrassingly ] I guess I owe you another one, huh Dash?
Rainbow Dash: Hmm... I think I’ll settle with you buying lunch again. And helping AJ with... whatever she does on a farm besides apple bucking in my place. And--
Anon: Yeah yeah, I get it. The usual, then?
Rainbow Dash: You know it!
Applejack: I think we're gettin’ off topic here.
“Ha! Yeah, you got me.” Admitted the stricken Dash before bolting straight up in a streak of rainbow.
Applejack: A changelin’. I gotta say, I didn't see that one comin’ at all.
Rainbow Dash: Sure, why not. Doesn’t even faze me anymore.
The two rainbows dueled in the sky. Scootaloo knew there could be only one winner. The real Rainbow Dash.
It was kind of exciting to watch.
If Scootaloo didn't already know.
Anon: The answer too 3x^2-2√(3)xy+y^2+2x+2√(3)y=0 ?
The real Rainbow Dash would never kiss her and certainly never do anything that comes after kissing with her.
Applejack: Well, of course! Who would think that was a possibility in the first place?!
Anon: And the real Scootaloo would never even want Rainbow to kiss her. I never thought I would have to say that.
The real Rainbow Dash would never ever teach her to fly.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, what? Just ask, Scoots, I wouldn't let you down!
Applejack: Uh, the fanfic can’t hear you, Rainbow.
Scootaloo was very young still and as the feelings welled up in her knew she wouldn't be able to make it home. But she took pride in how tough she was, she wasn't soft like most other fillies.
Anon: Yeah, who needs to express emotions? Especially to the ones that can help out.
That's why she curled into a ball and hid her face behind her hooves. That is why she clenched her teeth just tight as she could.
Rainbow Dash: “I knew I shouldn't have eaten all that food... ”
In hope that no one would hear or see her wail like a baby.
Anon: Like what we're going to do every time we think back to this fanfic.
Anon: Well, that was certainly a time and a half.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, you know what? I think I’ll pay Scootaloo a visit. It could help me get out of this funk, and she likes the attention.
Applejack: That’s mighty kind of you Rainbow. Here, take one of these pies for the two of ya. I got plenty left.
Anon: Just try not to do anything weird— I mean, have fun Rainbow! Say "hi" to the little filly for us, okay?
Rainbow Dash: Heh, will do. See ya! [ takes off in flight ]
Anon: [ smiles for a bit, then realizes something ] Hey, did she get out of the prank just like that? [chuckles ] That clever little sneak.
Applejack: Speaking of which, I gotta get home and... not be here anymore. It was fun and all, but it’s a bit draining, you know? [ starts to trot off ] Later Anon!
Anon: [ waves at AJ as she leaves ] This is the part where I get locked in— [ the doors close and fastening, and the lights turn off ] Figures.
Pinkie Pie: [ from TV ] Oh Anon, we still need to toughen you up, remember? So I thought “Hey Pinkie, you’ve got a bit more time on your hooves, why not use them to help out Anon’s weak babyish stomach and his feeble riffing style that he so desperately needs improvement badly?” So, that’s exactly what we're gonna do. Don’t worry, they’re just little quick ones. [ in a sing-song tone ] And I got a lot of snacks for us to eat~
Anon: I guess so--
Pinkie Pie: Great! Now, where’s my prank fanfic collection... Oh, here they are--
[ Pinkie trips over her own hooves and falls face-first into the button, and we hear the pink bubbly mare say something about being okay as the TV goes off with a blip ]
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