Glitch Riffs 4: In the Chapel
Well, this fic... yeah, this is bad. I found this thing randomly on the front page forever ago, read it for a bit, smacked my forehead a few times, saved it for a potential riff later, completely forgot about it, found the file while I was bored, decided to look it up again to read the comments... wow, even the people who are into that kind of thing don’t like it. That’s a special kind of bad.
This fic decides that the actual canon of the wedding can quietly go die in a corner while it makes room to be as repugnant as it possibly can be.
If you really want to read it yourself, it’s called In the chapel.
Also, I would give a giant thanks to DPV111 for proofreading this for me. He’s awesome.
So without further ado, where we last left off, after Rainbow and Applejack left, Pinkie decided Anon needed a quick toughening up training course to reinforce his weak baby stomach (or desensitize him, whichever happens first). We begin at the latest fanfic in the batch Pinkie and Anon are watching...
Anon: That last one seemed like it was written by a monkey with a vengeance. *sigh* What’s with all these Modern Warfare and Halo crossovers? One had the mares going into heat, and the one before that was a Cupcakes rip off starring Applejack... I mean, what kind of nonsense was that? How many more are we going to do?
Pinkie: Only two more for today, and this one is a surprise. Let’s just say it takes creative liberties to the next level so hard it makes a crashing noise. I skimmed this before, and it’s about...
Anon: Yeah?
Pinkie: ... To start now!
In the Chapel
by ventercrow
Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance stand in the chapel in Canterlot Castle.
Pinkie: From being her foal sitter to her bride. *sniff* I’m so happy for you Twilight.
The chapel is deserted, save for Chrysalis, queen of the changelings, and her thrall, Shining Armor, brother to Twilight Sparkle and Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard.
Anon: Let’s completely disregard canon! That’s a great idea!
“Let my brother go!”
Anon: ♫Let my people go~!♫
Chrysalis is sucking on Shining Armor’s horn, absorbing the power of his love for Cadance.
Pinkie: “Mmm~, tastes like a strawberry smoothie!”
Anon: That’s... not at all how changelings work. They’re like the windigoes, but instead of-
Pinkie: Nap time! [snores comically]
Shining Armor’s horn leaves her mouth with a pop. He crumples to the ground.
Anon: Let the bodies hit the floor!
So does Cadance.
Anon: Cadance challenges Chrysalis to a dance off and starts to do the Melbourne Shuffle.
Pinkie: Queenie meanie counters with the Tecktonik, electro house style!
Twilight looks helplessly at her brother, then down to Cadence. “What have you done to them!?”
“Oh, I’ve just drained them of their love. Their bond was so strong that I didn’t even need to control both of them to drink it all up.”
Anon: How does that work?
Pinkie: Because!
Anon: ... Because why?
Pinkie: Yes!
Twilight is furious. “You can’t possibly even know what love is and yet do something like this! I bet you’re so twisted that you can’t even feel love! No wonder you treat people so badly! You’re probably miserable! You’re a monster!”
Pinkie: “You probably want to swallow me whole and digest me!”
Anon: Oh, come on, that’s just dumb. Who.... wait, what aren’t you telling me Pinkie?
Chrysalis spreads her wings and rushes at Twilight.
Anon: I guess they just waxed the floors.
Pinkie: “Whee~! This is so much fun ♥!”
In an instant she has knocked the small pony on her back and is standing over her. She is tall and imposing.
Anon: And looks like a seaweed haired raged corpse of a creature, yet some bronies still want to-
Pinkie: [snores even louder]
THUD. She stomps on Twilight’s chest with her front hoof, knocking the wind out of her. CRACK. She strikes her across the snout, chipping a tooth and cutting her lip.
Anon: “I have magic, let me now bum rush you! And don’t you dare warp out of the way!”
Chrysalis looks down at Twilight.
“Apologize.”
“W... what?”
Pinkie: I couldn't imagine any other reaction.
“APOLOGIZE TO ME.”
Twilight is bruised and trembling. She didn’t expect this so quickly.
Anon: That implies that, at some point, Twilight expected Chrysalis to do this.
Pinkie: Twilight’s always thinking ahead!
“I... I’m sorry. I sh-shouldn’t have s-said...”
Chrysalis lowers her head, putting her face close to Twilight’s. She cocks her head to the side.
“Hm? What’s that? Speak louder.”
Anon: “I’m sorry that I didn’t say “I hope a manticore dispatches you in a burning house; you bile mauling fool!””
Twilight gulps with anxiety. “I’m sorry!”
Chrysalis stares at Twilight for a moment, betraying no emotion. Then, she speaks.
“Kiss me.”
“I-”
“DO IT.”
Anon: Just do it you wimp!
Pinkie: Do it filly!
Twilight submits, and weakly lifts her head towards her attacker.
Anon: It’s not like Twilight has a monumental amount of magic or anything, or knows any spells that might help.
Pinkie: “Kissing something that wants to destroy everything I know and love is a good idea, and I will put up no resistance whatsoever. I’m a genius!”
She raises her arms around Chrysalis’s neck, embracing her. The queen mashes her lips against Twilight’s,
Anon: I can’t imagine kissing someone with fangs would be comfortable.
Pinkie: Rarity doesn’t seem to mind the fangs while making out with Spike.
Anon: Wait, what?!
Pinkie: [snickering] Oh~, you should see the look on your face! I’m just kidding. Or am I? You’ll never know!
and her tongue snakes down the pony’s throat, choking her. Twilight’s eyes widen at the sudden invasion, but she doesn’t resist, and she tries her best not to gag.
Anon: Twilight then bites down on Chrysalis’ tongue and tears it off.
She wants to please the queen: anything Chrysalis wants is now hers.
Anon: And here I thought that the whole mind control thing would take days or even weeks! Not to mention that this is the mare that lasted the longest against Discord’s corruption-
Pinkie: [snores to the max]
The queen’s tongue retreats, and as she pulls away from Twilight, a long viscous strand of green saliva trailing from one mouth to the other stretches and breaks. A bubble of mucus bursts from Twilight’s left nostril, and her mouth hangs open.
Pinkie: “Uh, Twilight, you got a little something on your face. Let me lick it off!”
Anon: [retches a little bit] I... I don’t think I like where this is going...
Chrysalis gives a short, derisive laugh. “You see? I didn’t even need to use my magic to dominate you.”
Anon: I’m just going to assume these are all changelings role playing. My sanity demands it.
She spits in Twilight’s eye. Twilight cringes, but doesn’t otherwise react.
Pinkie: Her spit is actually minty fresh and tastes like ice cream!
Chrysalis stands over her prey, observing every detail of her broken state. She stares into Twilight’s big, watery, purple eyes and enjoys her triumph. It was easy. It was so easy.
Anon: It’s almost like this was written by someone who doesn't watch the show.
Minutes pass. Neither moves.
Anon: “So... what movies do you like?”
Pinkie: “I’m more of a book pony, but I did see the Daring Do adaptation. It was decent, I guess.”
Anon: “Hey, is it just me, or does your rainbow mained friend look like Daring Do?”
Pinkie: “I don’t see the resemblance.”
It is only now that Twilight realizes how frightened she is.
Anon: “Oh no, I’ve got to come up with something to say! It’s got to be an opener, but not awkward. I’m so nervous!”
Twilight forces a smile, struggling to appear friendly despite the humiliation.
Pinkie: Twilight liked being the one on top.
She defers to the queen’s strength. “My... my queen,”
Anon: “Where’s every pony else?”
she stammers, “I’ve... been studying the magic of friendship now for almost two years. If – if you let me go... I could teach you, and you could be happy without taking the happiness of others. Just... let me go home.”
Anon: “Oh, okay.”
Pinkie: They shook hooves together and became fast friends! Yay~!
Chrysalis glares at Twilight with contempt, but her expression slowly melts into a toothy grin.
“Alright. I’ve decided.”
Anon: “I will allow the evidence.”
The wave of relief makes Twilight giddy. “Oh, thank you! You won’t regret this; you’ll see how much better it is when--”
Chrysalis bursts out laughing, throwing her head back in a long arc.
Anon: She just remembered a joke one of her generals told her.
Pinkie: [chuckling] “And then he said “That’s not a timberwolf, that’s my wife!” Get’s me everytime!”
She looks down at Twilight, lying on the floor, pathetic and confused. “I’m not going to let you go!”
“But you just said – “
“I’m going to eat you.”
Anon: Well, I’m out. See you later Pinkie-
Pinkie: Oh no you don’t, sneaking sneakerson! If you leave, I’ll be sad, then I might cry, then it might get awkward. Do you want that?
Anon: Uh, no, but-
Pinkie: Good, now stop with the running and get on with the funny!
A primal terror grips Twilight as the words enter her mind.
Anon: [ghostly whisper] You’re not perfect... return the slab... not a farmer...
She is paralyzed with fear. Her instincts are shouting at her, pushing out all rational thought. Run, run! This is a predator, you must run! She is strong and you are weak and you must run!
Pinkie: Run! Now sit! Roll around, then clap your hooves together! Now read about the pythagorean theorem!
But she can’t.
Anon: Why?
“I’ve decided. I’ve decided on what’s going to happen to you.”
Pinkie: You’ve just killed all of the suspense by giving away the ending. Silly author.
Anon: Wait, that actually happens?
[Pinkie simply nods, putting on a smile that says, “This is indeed that imbecilic." Anon looks at the light raspberry beamish mare with a wide eyed gaze, then stares back the fanfic. He sinks his head down into his palms, and gives out a harsh, rasping sigh. Pinkie pats him the back.]
Chrysalis puts her head close to Twilight’s, her translucent alien hair pooling on the floor around Twilight’s face and shoulders. She whispers to her.
Anon: “It ain’t easy... bein’ cheesy.”
Pinkie: “Are we equines... or are we dancers?”
“I want you to think about how it’s going to feel. I want you to think about how it’s going to feel as my teeth scrape over your chest, as you sli-i-ide down my throat and leave your world behind.
Anon: Wouldn’t swallowing some pony a third of your size wreck your... everything?
Pinie: You silly billy, you shouldn’t use logic when it comes to fetishes.
Anon: Wait, WHAT?! You mean that--
Pinkie: Yep.
[There’s a moment of silence. All that could be heard were the projector and Anon losing his mind.]
Anon: Fuck... EVERYTHING!
I want you to think about what it will be like to hear my heartbeat all around you, to know that I have consumed you completely.
Anon: And I want you to think how completely impossible this is.
Pinkie: Remember that time I ate a whole cake--
Anon: That’s slapstick logic, Pinkie, it doesn’t count.
I want you to think about how your whole life has been a prelude to becoming a meal for me, a meal that I don’t even need. All of your studying, all of your friendships, all of your adventures...
Anon: “All of your books, all of your, uh... I got nothing else.”
all of it just so that I could use you up. Use up your body for nourishment. And I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to enjoy it so much. I’m going to enjoy destroying you.
Pinkie: “I want you to-- wait, where did you go? Hey, those are elements. How'd you-- What's Cadance and Shinning doing with their horns? What’s that giant shield thing about to hit me?”
“I want you to think about how you’re going to die for my sexual pleasure.”
Anon: This fanfic is a cry for help. At least this is better than watching kittens die.
Pinkie: For now.
Chrysalis sees the fear in Twilight’s eyes and it excites her. Her whole body is shaking as the changeling queen uses her magic to lift her into the air and stretch out her legs behind and in front of her, making her easier to swallow.
Anon: That shudder I just felt was my soul trying to slam its way out. Why doesn’t Twilight do anything to stop this?
Pinkie: Oh, Chrysee is just stretching her mouth for her opera later.
She looks Twilight in the eyes one last time.
Pinkie: She pulls out her eyeballs and yells “Bobbidi Boo!”
“I want you to know that I’m going to keep you alive with my magic.
Anon: There’s a spell for that?
I want to feel you struggle in my gut as your final moments pass away. I want you to beg for death. The best part of all of this is that you don’t get to choose when you die. I decide. Not you!”
Pinkie: Wow, where did she get the stomach controls to do that? What kind of workout does she do?
Anon: Before this atrocity came out, people who wanted this kind of erotisim had to watch a spriggan pull apart their newborn.
Her demeanor changes abruptly to one of sympathy, and she kisses Twilight tenderly on the mouth.
Pinkie: Aww~, how adorable.
Anon: Eww~, how revolting.
The pony reciprocates in a desperate attempt to appease her captor. “Maybe she’s changed her mind”, thinks Twilight. “Maybe she likes me now. Maybe she does want to learn about friendship after all. Maybe everything is going to be alright.”
Pinkie: “Maybe I can bum off a couple of bits from her.”
Anon: This author writes like it's the side effect of a stroke.
“It’s time. I’m going to take you now.”
Anon: “Out to the ballgame! Muahaha!”
Pinkie: Then Crysee gets pelted by all the foul balls by “accident.”
Chrysalis opens her mouth. It stretches wider and wider.
Pinkie: Twilight uses this opportunity to fire her magic right down Crysee’s throat.
Anon: Cue the Ridley theme.
Her lower jaw splits in two, revealing a pair of webbed mandibles. She wraps her long tongue around Twilight’s front legs as she draws her into her maw.
Anon: Remember, this is suppose to be turning the readers on. Just imagine someone sweating, hunched over, smiling and licking their lips as they--
Pinkie: Hey, look, a distraction! Over there!
Anon: Huh what where?! I’m so distracted!
Twilight’s hooves hit the back of her throat and she swallows. Twilight is openly sobbing, tears and mucus streaming down her face and trickling into her mouth.
Pinkie: “I didn’t get to eat any of the cake.”
Anon: Too bad Twilight is the cake.
She couldn’t save her brother, she couldn’t save herself; the changelings have overrun Canterlot and her society is doomed.
Anon: I just want to forget everything.
Pikie: Too bad I never will. Oh well!
Anon: Huh? Oh right, your eidetic memory. I kinda feel bad for you, Pinkie, you’ll remember this for--
Pinkie: What was your name again? [notices the screen] Oh goodie, a fanfic! What’re we watching?
The queen’s fangs press against her head, behind her horn. She has Twilight completely within her power; the unicorn’s magic is useless.
Anon: How. Explain how. You can’t say something like that and expect it to fly.
She throws her head back and gulps, and Twilight is drawn further into her gullet.
Pinkie: “It’s like a slip and slide! I’m having so much fun!”
Twilight thinks of the friends she will never see again, and the feelings those memories evoke are absorbed by the queen.
Anon: Twilight just remembered that she left the stove on.
Pinkie: “So that’s where I left my keys.”
Soon Twilight can’t even remember their names.
Anon: Eh, it’s not like they’re important enough for that.
The queen’s mandibles join together and reform her lower jaw. Her fangs scrape against Twilight’s soft belly,
Pinkie: “Oh, quit it! I’m ticklish there!”
raising droplets of blood. She suddenly bites down. Her fangs puncture the pony’s flesh, and a muffled cry comes from deep in the queen’s throat.
Anon: “Phew, did you eat one of AJ’s baked bads?”
Only Twilight’s hind legs and tail remain in the world outside of Chrysalis.
Pinkie: You’re now imagining Queen Mean with a purple beard.
One more gulp, and the jaws snap shut.
Anon: “Mmm, that’s good bookworm.”
Twilight is nothing but a bulge in the queen’s long neck.
Pinkie: “Is that all I am to you? I thought we had something special!”
Peristalsis does the rest of the work, and the queen’s glimmering teal midsection expands to accept the defeated pony.
Anon: Twilight then remembered that she can create bubble shields of her own, and expanded it so much that Crysalis blew apart.
Twilight’s heart is racing.
Pinkie: Twilight’s heart is in the lead, but Twilight’s kidney has picked up the pace! It’s now neck and neck!
She did it! She ate her! She’s inside her stomach!
Anon: Yes! After all this time, she finally did it, she finally did it!
Pinkie: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry...
To the rest of the world, she’s nothing but a changeling’s swollen belly! Twilight’s eyes dart left and right, looking for anything that might aid in an escape and any possible way out.
Anon: Do you want an alphabetized list on all the possibilities?
There is nothing.
Pinkie: Oh, come on Twilight, you didn’t even try!
Then the acid comes.
Anon: Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate this author since I began to read this. There are 100,000 miles of blood vessels, capillaries, 100 billion neurons, and one quadrillion connections that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of miles, it would not equal one-billionth of the hate I feel for this author at this micro-instant for him. Hate. Hate!
Pinkie: [shivers a little bit] Hey, is it getting a bit chilly in here?
It comes in through the stomach walls, squirting in long arcing streams from glands embedded in the flesh.
Anon: I hope the soft spot of your skull held up to all that brain throbbing, you first term abortion of a writer.
Pinkie: Okay, we get it Anon, you’re in your dark place. You can stop now. You’re not even making jokes anymore.
It hits Twilight from all directions, soaking her coat and tail and face.
Anon: “Ah, nothing like a nice bath to perk me right up.”
She screams. She screams and screams and screams
Pinkie: Tired of screaming, Twilight then yells, cries, shouts, shrieks, screeches, and starts again with the screaming.
Anon: Doesn’t Twilight get immense magical surges in these types of situations?
as the acid seeps into her eyes, despite her tightly shut lids., burning away the inside of the lids and dissolving the cornea. She screams as her hooves bubble into gelatin and melt away into the soup.
Anon: Well, I think I’ll be skipping meals for a while.
She screams as her beautiful multicolored mane falls out in clumps as the acid eats away at the roots. She is naked and screaming and in so, so much pain. She thrashes and bucks wildly,
Pinkie: Hey, it’s something she should’ve done five minutes ago!
but the walls of the stomach are pliable and strong. She slips and rolls over,
Pinkie: “This is like a water slide! Yippie~!”
getting a mouthful of bile and acid. Her screams bubble through as the vile broth chokes her, burns her tongue, burns her throat.
Anon: It’s also what my mom did to me when I swore for the first time. I had no idea she kept acid as a hobby.
She heaves, her face scrunches up, and she vomits. She screams, convulses, and vomits again.
Anon: It’s the same trick Pinkie does to keep thin.
Pinkie: ... Hey, wait a minute!
She’s been eaten alive! She is entirely inside the body of a superior creature. She has lost, utterly. She silently begs for a death that will not come.
Pinkie: “Come on Death, please?”
She slumps into the acid, which eats away at her belly.
Anon: Eh, that’s ten pounds she wanted to lose anyways.
Her soft, sticky intestines spill out and rapidly dissolve.
Anon: Okay, how is she still conscious?
Her world shifts, but she can’t sense the movement. There is a noise, a wet, crunching, snapping noise;
Pinkie: It’s the readers breaking their screens and crying.
it might as well be a million miles away. It is outside. She cannot go there. It is beyond her existence.
Anon: Why? Did the writer forget that Twilight has magic?
There is a soft splash, and she feels a large object press against the side of her face. She manages opens her eyes and turn toward it. It is the head of her brother.
Anon: “Alas, poor Shinning! I knew him, Pinkie.”
Pinkie: You did?
Anon: ... Never mind.
The stump of his neck is ragged, and his blood freely mixes with the pool of acid and bile in the pit of the stomach.
Anon: Is this what Crysalis meant that she wanted Shinning to be all hers?
Pinkie: I just feel sorry for the bathroom she’s going to nuke after all this.
Twilight emits a deep and mournful wail.
“AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUU!! NO-HO-HO! AAAUUUUUHHH WHYYYYY! WHY WHY WHY!!!”
Pinkie: Sheesh, Twilight, what’s eating you?
Anon: That mournful wail sounds like every screamo music I’ve ever heard.
This final insult is too much to bear. The death of her brother has broken her will.
“PLEASE! PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE! PLE-HEE-HEEASE!”
The walls of her prison shudder as a long, loud burp echoes all around her. In a distant past which she can barely remember,
Anon: Like yesterday?
this would have signaled that Spike had just sent a letter to her mentor, Princess Celestia. Now it signals only the end of her life. The air rushes out of the stomach and the walls close in around her. Her life is over now. Twilight is gone.
[There's a moment of stunned silence in the studio. Then both of them burst into laughter - REAL honest-to-goodness laughter for the first time in the whole story.]
Anon: [between whoops and giggles] That... was unbelievable.
Pinkie: Hey, you learned to laugh it away! Good for you!
Anon: This was so completely bad in almost everyway, and I just can’t get over the whole “being eaten alive” thing.
Pinkie: Well, some people have these kinks that--
Anon: I know that, but what kind of kink would make someone think that killing the other person involved is erotic? Especially how torturous it is--
[Suddenly, a creature that looks like a pony with a twisted unicorn horn and a pair of tattered wings warps into the studio. She has a sharp pair of fangs and dark green eyes with elongated oval pupils, a teal mane and tail, blue-green chitinous plating over her midsection, and she wears a small, black crown tipped with blue orbs. Her legs, mane, and tail are full of holes and her limbs and torso are very slender.]
[The tall quadruped’s abrupt arcane appearance causes the tv to blip out.]
This fic decides that the actual canon of the wedding can quietly go die in a corner while it makes room to be as repugnant as it possibly can be.
If you really want to read it yourself, it’s called In the chapel.
Also, I would give a giant thanks to DPV111 for proofreading this for me. He’s awesome.
So without further ado, where we last left off, after Rainbow and Applejack left, Pinkie decided Anon needed a quick toughening up training course to reinforce his weak baby stomach (or desensitize him, whichever happens first). We begin at the latest fanfic in the batch Pinkie and Anon are watching...
Anon: That last one seemed like it was written by a monkey with a vengeance. *sigh* What’s with all these Modern Warfare and Halo crossovers? One had the mares going into heat, and the one before that was a Cupcakes rip off starring Applejack... I mean, what kind of nonsense was that? How many more are we going to do?
Pinkie: Only two more for today, and this one is a surprise. Let’s just say it takes creative liberties to the next level so hard it makes a crashing noise. I skimmed this before, and it’s about...
Anon: Yeah?
Pinkie: ... To start now!
In the Chapel
by ventercrow
Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance stand in the chapel in Canterlot Castle.
Pinkie: From being her foal sitter to her bride. *sniff* I’m so happy for you Twilight.
The chapel is deserted, save for Chrysalis, queen of the changelings, and her thrall, Shining Armor, brother to Twilight Sparkle and Captain of the Canterlot Royal Guard.
Anon: Let’s completely disregard canon! That’s a great idea!
“Let my brother go!”
Anon: ♫Let my people go~!♫
Chrysalis is sucking on Shining Armor’s horn, absorbing the power of his love for Cadance.
Pinkie: “Mmm~, tastes like a strawberry smoothie!”
Anon: That’s... not at all how changelings work. They’re like the windigoes, but instead of-
Pinkie: Nap time! [snores comically]
Shining Armor’s horn leaves her mouth with a pop. He crumples to the ground.
Anon: Let the bodies hit the floor!
So does Cadance.
Anon: Cadance challenges Chrysalis to a dance off and starts to do the Melbourne Shuffle.
Pinkie: Queenie meanie counters with the Tecktonik, electro house style!
Twilight looks helplessly at her brother, then down to Cadence. “What have you done to them!?”
“Oh, I’ve just drained them of their love. Their bond was so strong that I didn’t even need to control both of them to drink it all up.”
Anon: How does that work?
Pinkie: Because!
Anon: ... Because why?
Pinkie: Yes!
Twilight is furious. “You can’t possibly even know what love is and yet do something like this! I bet you’re so twisted that you can’t even feel love! No wonder you treat people so badly! You’re probably miserable! You’re a monster!”
Pinkie: “You probably want to swallow me whole and digest me!”
Anon: Oh, come on, that’s just dumb. Who.... wait, what aren’t you telling me Pinkie?
Chrysalis spreads her wings and rushes at Twilight.
Anon: I guess they just waxed the floors.
Pinkie: “Whee~! This is so much fun ♥!”
In an instant she has knocked the small pony on her back and is standing over her. She is tall and imposing.
Anon: And looks like a seaweed haired raged corpse of a creature, yet some bronies still want to-
Pinkie: [snores even louder]
THUD. She stomps on Twilight’s chest with her front hoof, knocking the wind out of her. CRACK. She strikes her across the snout, chipping a tooth and cutting her lip.
Anon: “I have magic, let me now bum rush you! And don’t you dare warp out of the way!”
Chrysalis looks down at Twilight.
“Apologize.”
“W... what?”
Pinkie: I couldn't imagine any other reaction.
“APOLOGIZE TO ME.”
Twilight is bruised and trembling. She didn’t expect this so quickly.
Anon: That implies that, at some point, Twilight expected Chrysalis to do this.
Pinkie: Twilight’s always thinking ahead!
“I... I’m sorry. I sh-shouldn’t have s-said...”
Chrysalis lowers her head, putting her face close to Twilight’s. She cocks her head to the side.
“Hm? What’s that? Speak louder.”
Anon: “I’m sorry that I didn’t say “I hope a manticore dispatches you in a burning house; you bile mauling fool!””
Twilight gulps with anxiety. “I’m sorry!”
Chrysalis stares at Twilight for a moment, betraying no emotion. Then, she speaks.
“Kiss me.”
“I-”
“DO IT.”
Anon: Just do it you wimp!
Pinkie: Do it filly!
Twilight submits, and weakly lifts her head towards her attacker.
Anon: It’s not like Twilight has a monumental amount of magic or anything, or knows any spells that might help.
Pinkie: “Kissing something that wants to destroy everything I know and love is a good idea, and I will put up no resistance whatsoever. I’m a genius!”
She raises her arms around Chrysalis’s neck, embracing her. The queen mashes her lips against Twilight’s,
Anon: I can’t imagine kissing someone with fangs would be comfortable.
Pinkie: Rarity doesn’t seem to mind the fangs while making out with Spike.
Anon: Wait, what?!
Pinkie: [snickering] Oh~, you should see the look on your face! I’m just kidding. Or am I? You’ll never know!
and her tongue snakes down the pony’s throat, choking her. Twilight’s eyes widen at the sudden invasion, but she doesn’t resist, and she tries her best not to gag.
Anon: Twilight then bites down on Chrysalis’ tongue and tears it off.
She wants to please the queen: anything Chrysalis wants is now hers.
Anon: And here I thought that the whole mind control thing would take days or even weeks! Not to mention that this is the mare that lasted the longest against Discord’s corruption-
Pinkie: [snores to the max]
The queen’s tongue retreats, and as she pulls away from Twilight, a long viscous strand of green saliva trailing from one mouth to the other stretches and breaks. A bubble of mucus bursts from Twilight’s left nostril, and her mouth hangs open.
Pinkie: “Uh, Twilight, you got a little something on your face. Let me lick it off!”
Anon: [retches a little bit] I... I don’t think I like where this is going...
Chrysalis gives a short, derisive laugh. “You see? I didn’t even need to use my magic to dominate you.”
Anon: I’m just going to assume these are all changelings role playing. My sanity demands it.
She spits in Twilight’s eye. Twilight cringes, but doesn’t otherwise react.
Pinkie: Her spit is actually minty fresh and tastes like ice cream!
Chrysalis stands over her prey, observing every detail of her broken state. She stares into Twilight’s big, watery, purple eyes and enjoys her triumph. It was easy. It was so easy.
Anon: It’s almost like this was written by someone who doesn't watch the show.
Minutes pass. Neither moves.
Anon: “So... what movies do you like?”
Pinkie: “I’m more of a book pony, but I did see the Daring Do adaptation. It was decent, I guess.”
Anon: “Hey, is it just me, or does your rainbow mained friend look like Daring Do?”
Pinkie: “I don’t see the resemblance.”
It is only now that Twilight realizes how frightened she is.
Anon: “Oh no, I’ve got to come up with something to say! It’s got to be an opener, but not awkward. I’m so nervous!”
Twilight forces a smile, struggling to appear friendly despite the humiliation.
Pinkie: Twilight liked being the one on top.
She defers to the queen’s strength. “My... my queen,”
Anon: “Where’s every pony else?”
she stammers, “I’ve... been studying the magic of friendship now for almost two years. If – if you let me go... I could teach you, and you could be happy without taking the happiness of others. Just... let me go home.”
Anon: “Oh, okay.”
Pinkie: They shook hooves together and became fast friends! Yay~!
Chrysalis glares at Twilight with contempt, but her expression slowly melts into a toothy grin.
“Alright. I’ve decided.”
Anon: “I will allow the evidence.”
The wave of relief makes Twilight giddy. “Oh, thank you! You won’t regret this; you’ll see how much better it is when--”
Chrysalis bursts out laughing, throwing her head back in a long arc.
Anon: She just remembered a joke one of her generals told her.
Pinkie: [chuckling] “And then he said “That’s not a timberwolf, that’s my wife!” Get’s me everytime!”
She looks down at Twilight, lying on the floor, pathetic and confused. “I’m not going to let you go!”
“But you just said – “
“I’m going to eat you.”
Anon: Well, I’m out. See you later Pinkie-
Pinkie: Oh no you don’t, sneaking sneakerson! If you leave, I’ll be sad, then I might cry, then it might get awkward. Do you want that?
Anon: Uh, no, but-
Pinkie: Good, now stop with the running and get on with the funny!
A primal terror grips Twilight as the words enter her mind.
Anon: [ghostly whisper] You’re not perfect... return the slab... not a farmer...
She is paralyzed with fear. Her instincts are shouting at her, pushing out all rational thought. Run, run! This is a predator, you must run! She is strong and you are weak and you must run!
Pinkie: Run! Now sit! Roll around, then clap your hooves together! Now read about the pythagorean theorem!
But she can’t.
Anon: Why?
“I’ve decided. I’ve decided on what’s going to happen to you.”
Pinkie: You’ve just killed all of the suspense by giving away the ending. Silly author.
Anon: Wait, that actually happens?
[Pinkie simply nods, putting on a smile that says, “This is indeed that imbecilic." Anon looks at the light raspberry beamish mare with a wide eyed gaze, then stares back the fanfic. He sinks his head down into his palms, and gives out a harsh, rasping sigh. Pinkie pats him the back.]
Chrysalis puts her head close to Twilight’s, her translucent alien hair pooling on the floor around Twilight’s face and shoulders. She whispers to her.
Anon: “It ain’t easy... bein’ cheesy.”
Pinkie: “Are we equines... or are we dancers?”
“I want you to think about how it’s going to feel. I want you to think about how it’s going to feel as my teeth scrape over your chest, as you sli-i-ide down my throat and leave your world behind.
Anon: Wouldn’t swallowing some pony a third of your size wreck your... everything?
Pinie: You silly billy, you shouldn’t use logic when it comes to fetishes.
Anon: Wait, WHAT?! You mean that--
Pinkie: Yep.
[There’s a moment of silence. All that could be heard were the projector and Anon losing his mind.]
Anon: Fuck... EVERYTHING!
I want you to think about what it will be like to hear my heartbeat all around you, to know that I have consumed you completely.
Anon: And I want you to think how completely impossible this is.
Pinkie: Remember that time I ate a whole cake--
Anon: That’s slapstick logic, Pinkie, it doesn’t count.
I want you to think about how your whole life has been a prelude to becoming a meal for me, a meal that I don’t even need. All of your studying, all of your friendships, all of your adventures...
Anon: “All of your books, all of your, uh... I got nothing else.”
all of it just so that I could use you up. Use up your body for nourishment. And I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to enjoy it so much. I’m going to enjoy destroying you.
Pinkie: “I want you to-- wait, where did you go? Hey, those are elements. How'd you-- What's Cadance and Shinning doing with their horns? What’s that giant shield thing about to hit me?”
“I want you to think about how you’re going to die for my sexual pleasure.”
Anon: This fanfic is a cry for help. At least this is better than watching kittens die.
Pinkie: For now.
Chrysalis sees the fear in Twilight’s eyes and it excites her. Her whole body is shaking as the changeling queen uses her magic to lift her into the air and stretch out her legs behind and in front of her, making her easier to swallow.
Anon: That shudder I just felt was my soul trying to slam its way out. Why doesn’t Twilight do anything to stop this?
Pinkie: Oh, Chrysee is just stretching her mouth for her opera later.
She looks Twilight in the eyes one last time.
Pinkie: She pulls out her eyeballs and yells “Bobbidi Boo!”
“I want you to know that I’m going to keep you alive with my magic.
Anon: There’s a spell for that?
I want to feel you struggle in my gut as your final moments pass away. I want you to beg for death. The best part of all of this is that you don’t get to choose when you die. I decide. Not you!”
Pinkie: Wow, where did she get the stomach controls to do that? What kind of workout does she do?
Anon: Before this atrocity came out, people who wanted this kind of erotisim had to watch a spriggan pull apart their newborn.
Her demeanor changes abruptly to one of sympathy, and she kisses Twilight tenderly on the mouth.
Pinkie: Aww~, how adorable.
Anon: Eww~, how revolting.
The pony reciprocates in a desperate attempt to appease her captor. “Maybe she’s changed her mind”, thinks Twilight. “Maybe she likes me now. Maybe she does want to learn about friendship after all. Maybe everything is going to be alright.”
Pinkie: “Maybe I can bum off a couple of bits from her.”
Anon: This author writes like it's the side effect of a stroke.
“It’s time. I’m going to take you now.”
Anon: “Out to the ballgame! Muahaha!”
Pinkie: Then Crysee gets pelted by all the foul balls by “accident.”
Chrysalis opens her mouth. It stretches wider and wider.
Pinkie: Twilight uses this opportunity to fire her magic right down Crysee’s throat.
Anon: Cue the Ridley theme.
Her lower jaw splits in two, revealing a pair of webbed mandibles. She wraps her long tongue around Twilight’s front legs as she draws her into her maw.
Anon: Remember, this is suppose to be turning the readers on. Just imagine someone sweating, hunched over, smiling and licking their lips as they--
Pinkie: Hey, look, a distraction! Over there!
Anon: Huh what where?! I’m so distracted!
Twilight’s hooves hit the back of her throat and she swallows. Twilight is openly sobbing, tears and mucus streaming down her face and trickling into her mouth.
Pinkie: “I didn’t get to eat any of the cake.”
Anon: Too bad Twilight is the cake.
She couldn’t save her brother, she couldn’t save herself; the changelings have overrun Canterlot and her society is doomed.
Anon: I just want to forget everything.
Pikie: Too bad I never will. Oh well!
Anon: Huh? Oh right, your eidetic memory. I kinda feel bad for you, Pinkie, you’ll remember this for--
Pinkie: What was your name again? [notices the screen] Oh goodie, a fanfic! What’re we watching?
The queen’s fangs press against her head, behind her horn. She has Twilight completely within her power; the unicorn’s magic is useless.
Anon: How. Explain how. You can’t say something like that and expect it to fly.
She throws her head back and gulps, and Twilight is drawn further into her gullet.
Pinkie: “It’s like a slip and slide! I’m having so much fun!”
Twilight thinks of the friends she will never see again, and the feelings those memories evoke are absorbed by the queen.
Anon: Twilight just remembered that she left the stove on.
Pinkie: “So that’s where I left my keys.”
Soon Twilight can’t even remember their names.
Anon: Eh, it’s not like they’re important enough for that.
The queen’s mandibles join together and reform her lower jaw. Her fangs scrape against Twilight’s soft belly,
Pinkie: “Oh, quit it! I’m ticklish there!”
raising droplets of blood. She suddenly bites down. Her fangs puncture the pony’s flesh, and a muffled cry comes from deep in the queen’s throat.
Anon: “Phew, did you eat one of AJ’s baked bads?”
Only Twilight’s hind legs and tail remain in the world outside of Chrysalis.
Pinkie: You’re now imagining Queen Mean with a purple beard.
One more gulp, and the jaws snap shut.
Anon: “Mmm, that’s good bookworm.”
Twilight is nothing but a bulge in the queen’s long neck.
Pinkie: “Is that all I am to you? I thought we had something special!”
Peristalsis does the rest of the work, and the queen’s glimmering teal midsection expands to accept the defeated pony.
Anon: Twilight then remembered that she can create bubble shields of her own, and expanded it so much that Crysalis blew apart.
Twilight’s heart is racing.
Pinkie: Twilight’s heart is in the lead, but Twilight’s kidney has picked up the pace! It’s now neck and neck!
She did it! She ate her! She’s inside her stomach!
Anon: Yes! After all this time, she finally did it, she finally did it!
Pinkie: I promised myself I wouldn’t cry...
To the rest of the world, she’s nothing but a changeling’s swollen belly! Twilight’s eyes dart left and right, looking for anything that might aid in an escape and any possible way out.
Anon: Do you want an alphabetized list on all the possibilities?
There is nothing.
Pinkie: Oh, come on Twilight, you didn’t even try!
Then the acid comes.
Anon: Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate this author since I began to read this. There are 100,000 miles of blood vessels, capillaries, 100 billion neurons, and one quadrillion connections that fill my complex. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each nanoangstrom of those hundreds of miles, it would not equal one-billionth of the hate I feel for this author at this micro-instant for him. Hate. Hate!
Pinkie: [shivers a little bit] Hey, is it getting a bit chilly in here?
It comes in through the stomach walls, squirting in long arcing streams from glands embedded in the flesh.
Anon: I hope the soft spot of your skull held up to all that brain throbbing, you first term abortion of a writer.
Pinkie: Okay, we get it Anon, you’re in your dark place. You can stop now. You’re not even making jokes anymore.
It hits Twilight from all directions, soaking her coat and tail and face.
Anon: “Ah, nothing like a nice bath to perk me right up.”
She screams. She screams and screams and screams
Pinkie: Tired of screaming, Twilight then yells, cries, shouts, shrieks, screeches, and starts again with the screaming.
Anon: Doesn’t Twilight get immense magical surges in these types of situations?
as the acid seeps into her eyes, despite her tightly shut lids., burning away the inside of the lids and dissolving the cornea. She screams as her hooves bubble into gelatin and melt away into the soup.
Anon: Well, I think I’ll be skipping meals for a while.
She screams as her beautiful multicolored mane falls out in clumps as the acid eats away at the roots. She is naked and screaming and in so, so much pain. She thrashes and bucks wildly,
Pinkie: Hey, it’s something she should’ve done five minutes ago!
but the walls of the stomach are pliable and strong. She slips and rolls over,
Pinkie: “This is like a water slide! Yippie~!”
getting a mouthful of bile and acid. Her screams bubble through as the vile broth chokes her, burns her tongue, burns her throat.
Anon: It’s also what my mom did to me when I swore for the first time. I had no idea she kept acid as a hobby.
She heaves, her face scrunches up, and she vomits. She screams, convulses, and vomits again.
Anon: It’s the same trick Pinkie does to keep thin.
Pinkie: ... Hey, wait a minute!
She’s been eaten alive! She is entirely inside the body of a superior creature. She has lost, utterly. She silently begs for a death that will not come.
Pinkie: “Come on Death, please?”
She slumps into the acid, which eats away at her belly.
Anon: Eh, that’s ten pounds she wanted to lose anyways.
Her soft, sticky intestines spill out and rapidly dissolve.
Anon: Okay, how is she still conscious?
Her world shifts, but she can’t sense the movement. There is a noise, a wet, crunching, snapping noise;
Pinkie: It’s the readers breaking their screens and crying.
it might as well be a million miles away. It is outside. She cannot go there. It is beyond her existence.
Anon: Why? Did the writer forget that Twilight has magic?
There is a soft splash, and she feels a large object press against the side of her face. She manages opens her eyes and turn toward it. It is the head of her brother.
Anon: “Alas, poor Shinning! I knew him, Pinkie.”
Pinkie: You did?
Anon: ... Never mind.
The stump of his neck is ragged, and his blood freely mixes with the pool of acid and bile in the pit of the stomach.
Anon: Is this what Crysalis meant that she wanted Shinning to be all hers?
Pinkie: I just feel sorry for the bathroom she’s going to nuke after all this.
Twilight emits a deep and mournful wail.
“AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUU!! NO-HO-HO! AAAUUUUUHHH WHYYYYY! WHY WHY WHY!!!”
Pinkie: Sheesh, Twilight, what’s eating you?
Anon: That mournful wail sounds like every screamo music I’ve ever heard.
This final insult is too much to bear. The death of her brother has broken her will.
“PLEASE! PLEASE JUST LET ME DIE! PLEASE! PLE-HEE-HEEASE!”
The walls of her prison shudder as a long, loud burp echoes all around her. In a distant past which she can barely remember,
Anon: Like yesterday?
this would have signaled that Spike had just sent a letter to her mentor, Princess Celestia. Now it signals only the end of her life. The air rushes out of the stomach and the walls close in around her. Her life is over now. Twilight is gone.
[There's a moment of stunned silence in the studio. Then both of them burst into laughter - REAL honest-to-goodness laughter for the first time in the whole story.]
Anon: [between whoops and giggles] That... was unbelievable.
Pinkie: Hey, you learned to laugh it away! Good for you!
Anon: This was so completely bad in almost everyway, and I just can’t get over the whole “being eaten alive” thing.
Pinkie: Well, some people have these kinks that--
Anon: I know that, but what kind of kink would make someone think that killing the other person involved is erotic? Especially how torturous it is--
[Suddenly, a creature that looks like a pony with a twisted unicorn horn and a pair of tattered wings warps into the studio. She has a sharp pair of fangs and dark green eyes with elongated oval pupils, a teal mane and tail, blue-green chitinous plating over her midsection, and she wears a small, black crown tipped with blue orbs. Her legs, mane, and tail are full of holes and her limbs and torso are very slender.]
[The tall quadruped’s abrupt arcane appearance causes the tv to blip out.]
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...