MPPT3K Guest Submission:
Of Apples and Awkwardness
RatherHomely here, with more riffing goodness. ObeySaturnGod has decided to put his own story under scrutinization by, well himself. I personally don't think the story's that bad. It's run of the mill shipping, but I've read worse.
Enjoy!
Hello fellow MPPT3Kers, my name is ObeySaturnGod and I’ll be providing tonight’s entertainment. For my first time riffing I’ve chosen one of my earlier stories, a pointless little fic that I am not very proud of. Grab some popcorn and a hard cider as we delve into and make fun of the jumble of words I had the misfortune of putting together.
Author: (Crawling around workshop) ...and so I’m looking around for anything valuable I could sell before those goons come breaking the door down.
Twilight: Why would you go to Las Pegasus in the first place?
Author: What? I can’t enjoy a little gambling from time to time?
Rarity: I don’t see how you could have possibly enjoyed racking up a ten thousand bit debt. Or how you didn’t stop after the four thousand mark.
Author: I thought I could win it back!
Twilight: Well now you’ll end up face down in a gutter if you can’t pay that debt off.
Author: I regret nothing.
Twilight: Have I ever told you that you’re an idiot?
Author: Many times.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t worry Author, I can take care of that nasty debt for you!
Author: I’d ask how, but right now I’m running short on time, so what do you want in return? A cake? My eternal servitude?
(Doors swing shut and lock)
Author: I really should have seen that coming.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Tonight’s story is a little tale that can’t decide whether it wants to be a slice of life or a clopfic, Of Apples and Awkwardness.
Rarity: Splendid, a possible clopfic is sooo much better than an actual one.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s about Rainbow Dash and Applejack working together and getting in all sorts of awkward situations!
Author: Hence the name.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Oh great, it’s not like there’s already hundreds these stories with me and Applejack in them.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep, and this is just one more for the pile!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Remind me to burn that pile later.
Author: Let’s just get this over with, I’m sure those debt collectors are eager to reshape my face.
Rarity: At this point, I’m sure it would be an improvement.
Author: You’re a funny pony, you know that?
(Buzzers sound)
All: We’ve got story sign!
A rooster crowed as the sun broke the horizon,
Twilight: Great, now we’re going to have to buy a new one.
its rays casting over Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack woke to the sound of the rooster, and was promptly blinded by the sun, the vicious ball taking advantage of her open curtains.
Author: The sun roofied the curtains’ drink when they weren’t looking.
Twilight: What does that mean?
Author: Don’t worry your little purple head about it.
“Consarnit!”
She gave a whimper as she massaged her eyes, reaching over to pull the curtains shut. “Today’s gonna be a bad day, Ah just know it.”
Author: “This story’s gonna be a bad story, I just know it.”
After her retinas had recovered from the shock,
Rarity: Did the sun electrocute them?
she got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom, passing Applebloom on the way. “Hey, sis, today’s apple buckin’ day, isn’ it?”
Author: Wait, who’s talking?
Twilight: Does it matter?
Author: Good point.
“Yep. We gotta get movin’ if we want to get all them apples, an’ with the new acre of trees we’re gonna have to move even faster than last year. That’s why Ah asked Rainbow Dash if she would come down to help out. Ah just hope she can get her head outta the clouds while it’s still mornin’.”
Author: (Rubbing temples) Oh, no...
Rarity: What is it now?
Author: This is gonna be one of those fics that tries to give Applejack an over the top southern accent...
She put a hoof on the bathroom door.
“Wait, sis, Rainbow Dash-“ But her warning came too late, as Applejack opened the door to find
Author: A portal to Hell.
a cyan pegasus already occupying the bathroom. She had just stepped out of the shower and was reaching for a towel when Applejack had intruded on her.
Rarity: Wow, it didn’t take long for this to get risque.
Author: How much you wanna bet it turns to clop in the next page and a half?
Rarity: Wasn’t it gambling that got you into this in the first place?
Author: ...Touche.
“APPLEJACK!? What the hay!?! A little privacy here!!”
Twilight: “We’re always naked anyways, but still!”
Rainbow Dash moved at the speed of light to cover herself with the towel as Applejack covered her eyes just as fast.
Author: Again, always naked.
Rarity: Perhaps she’s just respecting Rainbow’s privacy?
Author: This is a possible clopfic, there’s no modesty or privacy allowed.
“Ah’m sorry! Ah’m sorry! Ah didn’t know anypony else were in here!”
Twilight: “Applebloom was gonna warn me, but I was too fast for her!”
She fumbled to get out of the bathroom, not uncovering her eyes until she had a hold on the door knob and slammed the door.
Author: What did the door ever do to you?
Her cheeks had turned the same shade of red as the apples on her flank. “Applebloom, why didn’ ya tell me Rainbow was already here!?”
“Ah did try! You were the one who charged in anyways!”
Rarity: She nearly broke the door down!
“Fine, ya got me there,” Applejack admitted, a smug look coming over Applebloom’s face, “But why is Rainbow Dash already here? I didn’ think she was comin’ until around noon!”
Author: All right, this story’s already gone beyond the realm of plausibility.
Twilight: How so?
Author: Rainbow Dash would never wake up before noon, much less get to work before two!
“She said she wanted to prove to you that she could handle anythin’ you threw at her. I guess she’s eager ‘cause she got her about ten minutes ago.”
Author: Ten minutes flat, to be precise.
“Oh ho, did she now? Well, I think we’ll just have to put that to the test. Come on, let’s go grab some breakfast an’ leave Miss Forgets-To-Lock-The-Door to herself.”
Rarity: That’s the best you could do, darling?
The two walked down the stairs to the kitchen, getting a whiff of Granny Smith’s cooking that caused them to hurry their pace.
Twilight: Away from the kitchen, since the smell was horrific.
Laid out on the table was a cornucopia of apple confections, ranging from apple pie and apple dumplings to apple strudels and apple tarts.
Author: They like apples. Because they’re the Apple family.
Rarity: We get it.
Author: Don’t blame me, blame the writer.
A jug of the Apple’s famous cider sat in the middle of the table. The frail form of Granny Smith was busy scrutinizing each plate, looking for any sign that the food wasn’t up to scratch.
Twilight: Any rejects would be sent to Sugarcube Corner.
Applejack and Applebloom took a seat facing each other, and while Applebloom hungrily eyed the feast Applejack questioned her grandmare. “This is a mighty fine looking breakfast, Granny Smith. Is it because today’s apple buckin’ day?”
Author: “Nope, I just wanted to get rid of the spoiled apples from the last harvest.”
The old mare answered quickly, annoyed that her work had been interrupted.
Twilight: “The fate of the planet rests in this food!”
“Of course not! This here’s for that nice pegasus filly, what’s her name, Drainbow Rash? Wait, no, it was Raincloud Sash. Or was it Bowtie Mash?
Twilight: Uh oh, looks like Granny Smith’s gone senile.
Author: Better put her down now before she starts frothing at the mouth.
It don’t matter, this is to show her how much we care about her. Y’all better eat up, you’re gonna be bucking them trees all day long.”
Author: (Giggling)
Rarity: What’s so funny?
Author: Oh nothing, just replace a word in that sentence.
Rarity: (Thinks for a moment, then smacks Author)
“Rainbow Dash, Granny. An’ thanks for going to the trouble of feedin’ us like this.”
Twilight: We’re too damn lazy to feed ourselves.
“Don’t mention it, Sugarpie. Hey, you little whippersnapper!” Applebloom had gone for the nearest plate,
Author: But Granny Smith tagged the base!
but Granny Smith caught her by the tail before she could reach it. “Hold yer horses, ya little filly!
Rarity: Then shouldn’t she grab hold of Granny Smith?
You’ll get to eat once everypony’s here, and not a moment sooner.”
Author: “A millisecond before, and I’ll whack you into next week!”
Applebloom sulked back to her chair, lowering herself until all that could be seen was her pink bowtie, Applejack snickering at the display.
They waited about five minutes
Rarity: Give or take.
until Big Macintosh came lumbering downstairs, his huge frame filling the doorway. “Heya.” He took a seat in-between Applebloom and Granny Smith, greedily looking at the food.
Twilight: Down boy!
“Now you just wait until that rainbow pegasus gets down here before filling your face!” Granny Smith smacked Big Mac’s outstretched hoof with a wooden spoon, causing Big Mac to yank it back and give her a look of innocence.
Author: Big Mac wants his grandmother to take his innocence...
“Don’t look at me like that, young man! You know darned well we don’t eat until everypony’s at the table!”
Author: Geez, Granny Smith’s a hard ass in this story.
Twilight: I heard she single handedly hunted the timber wolves to extinction.
Big Mac looked sheepishly to the floor. “Sorry, Granny,” he mumbled. There came the sound of hooves on the hard wood, and the Apples looked to the stairs to see Rainbow Dash making her way towards the table. She gave Applejack a nasty look
Rarity: “I don’t want this, it’s all nasty!”
as she took her spot between Applejack and Granny Smith. Applejack gave her a nudge and a devilish little grin.
“So Dashie, why exactly were you taking a shower, huh?
Author: Because she was dirty? What kind of stupid question is that?
Them clouds you live on evaporate ‘fore you could get one in?”
Rarity: I don’t think that’s how clouds work...
Rainbow Dash wasn’t amused. “As if! The only reason I was using yours was because I didn’t have time for one at my cloud.
Twilight: Why not?
Author: If you try to point out all the stupid stuff in the story, we’ll be here all day.
I wasn’t even planning on taking one, but somepony who has issues with personal space wasn’t awake when I got here, so I figured I’d have time for a quick one. Guess I was wrong.” With that, she reached for an apple strudel and started mowing down on it. The others followed suit, devouring everything in sight.
Twilight: The tablecloth, the plates, even the sink.
In-between bites, Applejack continued talking with Rainbow Dash. “I don’t get why you were so embarrassed when Ah walked in on you. I mean, it’s not like you wear clothes anyways.
Rarity: What’s this? A hint of logic in the story?
Ah only panicked ‘cause you did.”
Twilight: False alarm.
Rainbow was in the middle of chewing, but that didn’t stop her from answering as she sprayed crumbs everywhere.
Rarity: Applejack didn’t appreciate the faceful of half chewed food.
“That doesn’t matter! What does matter is that you walked in on me when you shouldn’t have!” She had turned her full attention to Applejack, eyes burning into her.
Author: Uh, Rainbow? You might want to get that checked out.
Applejack returned the glare, the two coming face to face. “Well that ain’t mah fault! If you had just locked the door, we wouldn’ have gotten into that mess in the first place!”
Twilight: You walked in on her after she showered, it’s not like you killed someone!
Rarity: What drama queens! (Others look at her) Well, they are!
They were shooting knives at each other,
Author: With their knife guns.
neither looking away until Applebloom spoke up. “Maybe she left the door open cause she wanted you to look at her in the shower.”
Twilight: Applebloom! How did you even find out about that stuff?
Author: I knew she’d find Big Mac’s stash sooner or later.
Big Mac choked on the cider he had been drinking as Rainbow and Applejack looked at Applebloom with gaping mouths and pupils no bigger than a pebble, their cheeks on fire.
Twilight: Quick, someone put those fires out!
Big Mac had gotten over his choking fit and was now loudly guffawing while pounding the table with his hoof, the plates and pastries clattering as he did. Even Granny Smith was chuckling, while Applebloom was dumbfounded by the looks she was getting from Applejack and Rainbow. “What?”
Big Mac wrapped his leg around Applebloom’s shoulders, wiping a tear from his eye.
Author: How strange, this story’s moving me to tears too.
Twilight: Through emotional investment?
Author: Boredom.
“Y’all understand when you’re older, little sis.” He gave a few more chuckles and went back to eating. Applejack and Rainbow had gotten over their initial shock and were avoiding each other’s gaze while Rainbow silently asked Applejack whether or not she had a plan for Applebloom’s downfall.
Author: Down with Applebloom’s tyranny!
“So do we kill her now or later?”
Rarity: Please don’t tell me this is going to turn into a gore fic, I don’t think I can stand another one...
“Later. Don’t wanna leave witnesses.”
Twilight: Oh good, it’s being saved for the sequel.
Author. Shut up! This trainwreck doesn’t need one!
“Sounds good.” Applebloom had gone back to her food, though she stayed silent for the rest of the meal.
Twilight: She was too busy scarfing down the sink to talk.
The five ponies finished up their breakfast and four of them got up to go outside, Granny Smith staying behind to tidy up.
Author: This has been some enthralling plot development.
Rarity: Undoubtedly! I’ve never seen such a thrilling breakfast scene before!
The morning sun greeted the four with its cheeriness, though its effect was lost on Rainbow Dash and Applejack as they were too embarrassed from Applebloom’s comment to focus on anything else.
Twilight: Well, that’s kind of insulting to the sun. It spent all night warming up for their ungrateful hides.
Big Mac gazed out over the fields of apple trees and started trudging towards the barn, the others following. “Time to get goin’ sis.” He opened the barn door and let the others go in before walking in himself.
Author: It was all a ploy to get a look at Rainbow’s plot. (Punched by Twilight)
Inside was a variety of farming tools, and near the door sat four saddles with bags attached, an image of an apple adorning each bag.
Rarity: I wonder whose those are?
Twilight: Obviously Derpy’s.
Three of them were of the same make, differing in sizes, while the fourth had two round holes in them and was about the size of the middle one without the holes.
Author: Strange, there seems to be a ‘Plot Convenience Leatherworks’ mark on these saddles.
Rainbow Dash watched as the Apples got to business, obviously having done this before. Big Mac helped to hitch the average sized saddle to Applejack while she hitched the smaller one to Applebloom.
Twilight: All at the same time?
Author: It’s like a conga line with saddles.
The two sisters then took the larger one and tossed it up on Big Mac’s back, tightening the saddle as he conversed with Applejack. “Why don’t y’all get Rainbow suited up with them special saddlebags while Applebloom an’ I get started?”
“Sounds good. Y’all can start in the northen fields
Rarity: I can’t tell if that’s a spelling mistake or a sad attempt at an accent.
Author: (Eating a taco) Why not both?
while Rainbow an’ Ah work the southern ones.” He gave a nod then motioned for Applebloom to follow him. Applejack trotted over to the special saddlebag and picked it up, walking back towards Rainbow Dash. “Now hold still, Ah gotta get this thing on you just right or it won’t be set with your wings.” She hauled the saddle up on Rainbow, but something didn’t feel quite right.
Twilight: “I think I’m in a bad fanfic.”
Her wings weren’t through the holes.
Rarity: Oh no, how will she ever solve this conundrum?
“Uh, Applejack? Little help here.” She felt some tugging, but still her wings were being squashed by the leather. “Come on, what are you doing back there?
Author: Nothing clop related, no siree!
How hard is it to get a saddle-“ but she couldn’t finish her thought, as she felt two hooves on her posterior and another tugging sensation.
Author: Looks like I spoke too soon.
Her eyes went wide and, try as she might, she couldn’t stop her wings from shooting out, reaching their full span. Luckily, they had shot
Author: The writer, putting an end to this story.
through the saddle and hadn’t been trapped underneath it. As quickly as she could, she tucked her wings back into her body and turned to look at Applejack, but she found that the barn was empty.
Twilight: What’d she do, blow Applejack out of the barn?
“Applejack? Where’d you go!?” There came a rustling from a nearby pile of hay and Applejack’s naked head popped up, straw sticking out of her mane.
Author: Now’s your chance, Rainbow! Go for it!
Twilight: (Scooting away from Author) I think you need to calm down...
Author: Sorry, it’s just that I’ll take anything over this right now.
Twilight: Even Sweet Apple Massacre?
Author: … I’ll be good now.
“What in tarnation was that!?” She worked her way out of the hay, pulling her hat out of it and plucking the straw out of her hair. She put her hat back on its rightful place
Author: On her flank.
and gave Rainbow as curious stare.
Rarity: As curious stare what!?
Twilight: The world will never know!
“Mind explainin’ why your wings decided to go plum crazy?”
Rainbow’s cheeks had burst into fire once again
Twilight: Rainbow must suffer from spontaneous combustion.
as Applejack waited for an answer. “Uh… well, it… it happens to a lot of pegasi, alright!? I couldn’t control it!” Her face was scorching by this point.
Rarity: You’d think someone would have gotten some water by now!
“Let’s just get over to those fields already!”
Applejack wasn’t convinced by Rainbow’s quick deflection. “What do you mean it happens to a lot o’ pegasi? I ain’t never seen you do that before!”
Twilight: A pegasus unfolding her wings? Preposterous!
“Just drop it!”
Author: Like it’s hot!
Rainbow hurried out of the barn, but curiosity got the best of Applejack. She caught up with her and, as quietly as she could,
Rarity: Which was as quiet as a bulldozer.
snuck up and lightly touched her flank. Rainbow’s wings whipped out again as she let out a high pitched squeal. “Applejack!!”
Author: If simply touching Rainbow causes this, why hasn’t it been seen before?
Twilight: You act like this is canon.
Applejack was just as surprised as Rainbow was as she wasn’t expecting that to actually work. “So your wings only do that when someone touches you on… your…”
Author: Ass.
Rarity: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Realization finally dawned on Applejack, and her face colored the same red as Rainbow’s.
“Uh.. how ‘bout we never speak o’ this again?”
Author: Yes, let us never speak of this fic again.
Rainbow gave a quick nod then hid her embarrassed and distressed face from her poke happy friend.
Twilight: Applejack likes to poke things. A lot.
The trek to the south fields passed in an awkward silence, both of them doing their best to ignore the existence of the other one. Applejack led them to a field full of trees, though Rainbow wondered how Applejack knew that this was the south field.
Rarity: Maybe because you walked south?
All these fields looked the same to her. “Have you ever bucked apples before Dashie?” Rainbow shook her head while Applejack had positioned herself next to a tree. “It’s easier than it looks.
Author: How hard is it to kick a tree in the first place?
All ya gotta do is limber up,” she did a quick little dance,
Twilight: (Stifles laughter, drawing the others’ attention) Sorry, it’s just that the image of Applejack breakdancing popped into my mind.
All: (Pause for a moment, then burst out laughing)
“get ready,” she reared up on her front legs, “and buck!” She kicked the tree with her hind legs, causing apples to drop from the branches.
Author: While some dropped from the sky.
Applejack expertly caught them in her saddlebags, not a single apple landing on the ground. “So do ya think you have what it takes?”
“Please, I’ll have this done in ten seconds flat!”
Author: Overdone catchphrase, check.
Rarity: What’s that you’re blathering on about?
Author: Oh, it’s just my checklist of cliche plot devices. So far I’ve got the Apple family loving apples, wingboners... I’m sure there’s more to come.
She walked up to another tree and started to repeat what Applejack had done. She did a little jig,
All: (Stifling laughter)
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Don’t you even dare think about that!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Dashie, get away from there! You’re ruining the prank!
rose up on her legs, and bucked the tree for all she was worth. The tree shuddered, giving up one apple that clobbered her on the head.
Author: It’s clobbering time!
She rubbed the spot where it had hit her and looked up at the tree in disbelief.
Twilight: “I didn’t actually expect apples to fall!”
“But I kicked that thing with everything I had! I don’t get it!”
Applejack was quietly chuckling to herself and put a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder, causing her to flinch, but her wings stayed in place. Applejack quickly took her hoof off.
Rarity: Like a jar lid.
“Sorry. Ah didn’t think you’d be able to do it. Nope, the only ones who can buck the trees are Earth ponies. It looks like you’re gonna have to fly around an’ collect them one by one.”
Author: Earth ponies are the superior race, so it’s only fair that the others do more work.
Twilight: Hey!
Author: Oh, don’t complain, you have magic.
Rainbow sighed, took to the air and began picking at the apples in the tree.
Rarity: As opposed to the ones above the tree.
Applejack had gone to work on another tree, leaving Rainbow Dash alone with her thoughts. Only Earth ponies can buck… yeah right! She’s probably afraid that I’ll just show her up.
Twilight: Good ol’ Rainbow, more concerned about her reputation than helping her friends!
That tree was probably just some super resilient tree or something.
Author: Uh huh. Right. Gotcha.
She had finished picking the apples and flew over to begin work on another one when she saw Applejack’s progress and her mouth fell open. She had already cleared three trees in the time it took Rainbow to clear one.
Twilight: Why does that strike me as implausible?
Author: I think that’s the least of this fic’s problems.
The shock of seeing Applejack’s performance wore off quickly as Rainbow saw a challenge in the making.
Author: And I see one for us; whoever goes the longest without falling asleep wins fifty bits.
Rarity: I don’t think you’re in any position to be betting.
Author: So you’re in?
Rarity: (Ignores Author)
Author: Wussy.
“Hey, Applejack!” Applejack looked up from the tree she was bucking. “Bet ya you can’t get more apples bucking than I can flying!”
Applejack gave her a grin and yelled back. “So you think you’re hot stuff, huh?
Twilight: Considering how she’s repeatedly burst into fire...
All right! We’ll dump our apples in piles right here! The pony with the most apples at lunchtime wins!”
“It’s on!”
Author: Like Donkey Kong!
And with that, the competition began. Rainbow Dash was flying at a breakneck speed
Twilight: Killing her instantly.
around the trees, the sheer force of it pulling the apples from the trees as she caught them in her bags.
Author: What!?
Applejack had kicked on the afterburners,
Author: Applejack’s a jet. Who knew?
running from tree to tree, bucking them with so much force that she left hoof prints on some of them. Each took the apples they had collected and put them in their respective piles, the piles increasing as time went on.
Rarity: I would have never guessed.
It was nearly time for lunch, and the two ponies were clearly exhausted but refused to give in to the other. A bell sounded in the distance as they both added a final batch of apples to their piles and collapsed to the ground.
Author: Where they died. The end.
Rainbow was still on the ground when she heard Applejack cry out. “Ah don’t believe it! They’re exactly the same size!”
Twilight: Yes. That’s totally possible.
Rainbow raised herself up and looked at the piles. Sure enough, the piles were mirror images of each other.
Author: Ah, that explains it. One of them was using a giant mirror.
Rainbow groaned and saw Applejack walking back towards the house, and she hurried to catch up.
“I guess that means it’s a draw, huh?”
“Yep. Good try, though. Get a couple more seasons under your belt an’ you might just be able to beat me.”
Rarity: “But don’t hold your breath.”
Author: Or do. The story will end quicker if you do.
Rainbow gave her a playful nudge.
Author: (Gives Twilight a playful nudge)
Twilight: (Shrieks, then bucks Author)
“I don’t know, I might just beat you today.” They laughed and met each other’s eyes, causing them to blush and look away. “So, uh… what do you think’s for lunch?”
Author: No doubt more apple related food.
Applejack adjusted her hat. “Ah have no idea, but Ah’m willin’ to bet Granny Smith cooked up somethin’ delicious.”
“Sounds good.” The rest of the walk back was in silence, both of them avoiding looking at each other.
Rarity: Why?
Author: It’s like this fic has split personality disorder. One minute things are awkward, the next everything’s fine.
They reached the barn and unloaded their saddles next to the other two that were already there. “Guess they must’ve beaten us here.”
Twilight: What gave it away?
“Uh huh. Hope they at least left us somethin’ to eat.”
Rarity: Did you see how they attacked breakfast?
Twilight: They’re going to starve to death.
Author: Speaking of which, I think it’s time for a break. I need a snack...
Author: (Munching on cheese doodles) So, recap. What’s happening?
Twilight: Some breakfast, some apple bucking, some awkward situations blown way out of proportion...
Author: So jack shit.
Rarity: To put it bluntly, yes.
Author: Just as long as it doesn’t turn into a gore fic, I’ll be good. (Speaking to TV) Pinkie, are you sure you can take care of my debt?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t be such a worry wart, Author! I told you I’d take care of that business. You should just focus on the story.
Author: Why do I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling us?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Enough talk, it’s story time!
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
They made their way towards the house, catching sight of a napping Granny Smith in her rocking chair on the porch. “Heh heh, poor Granny must’ve tuckered herself out cooking up our lunch.”
Twilight: Actually, she’s dead. It’s just the wind moving her.
Rarity: Such a shame...
She gave her grandmare a kiss on the head and held the door open for her friend, following her inside. The large table had been refilled with delicacies, and Big Mac and Applebloom had already started digging in.
Author: Luckily they had shovels.
Applebloom gave them a wave and went back to her plate while Big Mac, having enjoyed Applebloom’s earlier comment about the two so much, decided to remind them of it.
All: (Stare at each other)
Author: Well that’s not creepy at all.
“Hope ya two didn’t get too distracted out there by your lonesome, I can’t buck all them trees myself while you’re foolin’ ‘round out there.”
Twilight: … Did he just insinuate what I think he insinuated?
Unfortunately for him, his laughing fit distracted him from the two apple pies that were flung at his face, Rainbow and Applejack’s aim true.
Rarity: Their aim was under oath.
Splotches of baked apple and crust clung to his coat as they all burst into laughter as Big Mac tried to wipe the mess off of himself.
Author: That hurt to read.
Twilight: Just smile and nod, and maybe the story will go away.
“Heh heh, all right, Ah deserved that.” Applejack and Rainbow Dash took their seats and started into their food. They had a relatively normal lunch, at least, it was normal compared to the how their day had gone so far. Big Mac had gone upstairs to quickly shower
Author: Oh, god, don’t tell me...
and Applebloom went outside to play, leaving Rainbow and Applejack alone with each other. Rainbow yawned loudly, catching Applejack’s attention.
Twilight: She snagged it out of the air.
“Tired, Dashie? Ah understand. Mah first apple bucking day, Ah couldn’ even reach lunch ‘fore Ah went back up to bed.”
Author: Two tired mares, a mention of bed, and no clopping.
Twilight: What could it mean?
Author: The apocalypse.
Rainbow was vexed by A.J.’s comment and deflected her concern. “Tired? I’m not tired!
Author: “Do you see any tiremarks on my body!?”
Rarity and Twilight: (Groan in pain.)
How could I be tired when I’m having so much fun collecting more apples than you?”
“Hey now, we tied. Don’t get your head in the clouds.”
Author: Remark about Rainbow’s head in clouds, check.
“I’m just saying, we tied even though this is the first time I’ve done this. Just kinda makes you think I might be better than you.” Rainbow’s face was now decorated
Rarity: The glitter went well with the facepaint.
with a smug smile while Applejack’s eyes became slits.
“Ah reckon that there’s still enough daylight left for me to teach you a thing or two about apple buckin’! Or apple pickin’, in your case.”
“Then let’s get at it!”
Author: Hot.
Twilight: (Horn glowing) Don’t tempt me.
Rainbow suddenly jumped up from the table and flew out the door, Applejack frantically following her. They got their saddles hitched up once more and headed back out to where their piles of apples were still waiting for them.
Rarity: Were they expecting the apples to run away?
“Alright, we still got about half of this field left to go ‘fore we can move on to another one.” The words had barely left Applejack’s mouth
Author: Quick, catch those words!
Twilight: I’m not done with them yet!
when Rainbow took off for the nearest tree with apples. Sighing, Applejack quickly made her way over to another tree, giving it a good buck and collecting the apples as they fell.
Rarity: Such riveting dialogue!
Twilight: Such action packed adventure!
Author: Such snarky riffing!
All: All this and more, only on Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000!
The sun beat down on them as they toiled,
Twilight: “Work faster, slaves!”
but this only caused them to work harder as they tried to outrace each other. It was the middle of the afternoon when they were finally done.
Once again, they had collapsed near their piles,
Author: And died from heat exhaustion. The end.
Rarity: You should probably just give up the wishful thinking.
Author: A man can dream, damn it!
but this time it was Rainbow who noticed that they were the same size. “You gotta be kidding!! How the heck could this have even happened!?”
Author: Plot convenience strikes again!
Applejack raised herself up on her tired hooves and shook her head at the apples.
Twilight: They were such a disappointment.
“Maybe we each got half of the trees? Maybe it’s just a big ol’ coincidence.
Author: Maybe it’s bad writing?
However it happened, we’re done with this field. Follow me an’ we’ll go start on the next one.” Applejack set out as Rainbow hovered behind her.
They had walked past the edge of the southern fields, travelling into a clearing filled with white flowers
Rarity: How romantic.
Twilight: And cliched.
when Rainbow started complaining. “Hey, A.J., why don’t we take a break? My wings are killing me.”
Author: Tonight’s headline, ‘Blue Pegasus Killed by Wings, Wings Still at Large!’
“Ah was just about to say the same thing.”
Rarity: I didn’t realize Applejack was a pegasus.
She loosened the straps of her empty saddle, letting it slide off her as Rainbow did the same. They left their saddles behind as they sat down, looking out over the hundreds of apple trees that still needed to be harvested. Applejack turned to Rainbow, a sheepish look on her face.
Twilight: As it turns out, she was a sheep the whole time.
“Hey, Dashie? Ah’m sorry about… well, about what happened this mornin’. I didn’ mean to barge in on ya like that.”
Author: Why are we still talking about the shower!?
Rarity: It’s the most interesting thing that’s happened so far.
Twilight: That’s not saying much.
Rainbow began blushing, but didn’t let it distract her from answering. “You don’t have to be sorry, it was my fault in the first place. I should’ve just taken a shower in my cloud,
Author: Yes, you should have. We could’ve avoided this whole ‘plot’ if you had.
but I guess I was too eager to get started. I just wanted to show you I could keep up with you.”
“No need to beat yourself up, Dashie.
Twilight: The sun already has that covered.
I guess we both made mistakes.” Applejack yawned, suddenly aware of how tired she was. Rainbow responded with a yawn of her own, and lied down on her side on the ground.
Author: I would’ve thought she laid down on her head without that description.
Applejack did the same, becoming a mirror image of Rainbow, though with less rainbow mane and more hat. Their manes and hooves were lightly touching, but they were too tired to care.
Rarity: And I’m too tired to continue riffing.
Twilight: I think we’re near the end.
“Ya know… considerin’ this is your first apple bucking, you didn’ do so bad…’ Her eyelids drooped, and Rainbow copied her.
Author: She must have had a large printer. (Smacked by Twilight and Rarity)
“I did learn form the best…’
Twilight: I think the writer needs to learn to form words.
And with that, both of the mares fell asleep. They moved closer and closer to each other, completely unaware that they were inching closer as they were unconscious.
Rarity: This is entirely within the realm of possibility.
Author: Just give it up, we’re almost done.
The sky was showing streaks of crimson when Applejack awoke, and she immediately felt something wrong. She kept her eyes shut as she tried to figure out what the strange feeling was.
Twilight: You’re becoming a mare, Applejack.
Her muzzle was pressing against something warm and soft.
Author: An apple pie?
She risked a quick look and yelled out in surprise, waking up Rainbow in the process. They had been kissing! Somehow, someway, they had moved close enough to each other so that their mouths were touching!
Author: That’s known as a kiss.
Twilight: Don’t you love redundancy?
Rarity and Author: Yes.
Author and Rarity: Yes.
Applejack blushed furiously and scrambled away from Rainbow, but Rainbow didn’t seem to have noticed what had happened.
Rarity: She was slow like that.
“Applejack, what’s wrong? Did you see a hornet or something?” Applejack could only stutter as her brain tried reaching for a response, but came up empty.
Twilight: Her brain was too short to reach the response jar.
She could only raise a hoof to her mouth and then point to Rainbow’s mouth. It took her a few seconds, but when she got it,
Author: How? For all she knows, Applejack could have been pointing at a stain on her mouth.
the color of her face rivaled the streaks in the sky. “Buh… uh… um, yeah… I guess… that happened…” The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife.
Author: Overused metaphor, check.
Rarity: How’s that list coming along?
Author: I think I’m gonna need more parchment.
The two awkwardly shuffled around for a few seconds before deciding wordlessly to return to the house. The times they had walked together before had been bad enough, but this was going to a whole new level. Rainbow couldn’t take the silence,
Twilight: It was protected by three inch thick glass.
and spoke up. “Sooo… it’s been an… interesting day… how about those apples, huh? Two same size stacks, can you believe it?” She gave a forced laugh, but Applejack wasn’t amused. Rainbow furrowed her brow slightly, becoming serious.
Rarity: Playtime’s over.
“Look, what happened happened. We can’t change that. But it’s not really that big of a deal. We wouldn’t be best friends if we let some petty stuff like this affect our friendship, would we?”
Author: Oh please, our friendship has endured much, much worse shit than anything in this story.
Twilight: We did get through Cupcakes...
Rarity: And Pattycakes.
Author: All right, that’s enough! I didn’t say we needed to bring those memories back!
“Ah guess you’re right… still feels weird, though. Dangit, Ah knew when Ah woke up today was gonna be a bad day.”
Author: How funny, I knew this was gonna be a bad story when we began reading!
“Bad day? Who said today was a bad day?”
Twilight: Is she deaf?
Applejack stopped walking and looked at Rainbow. “Were you not paying attention for the entire day!? Don’t ya remember all the stuff that happened?”
RatherHomely: Well, the story wasn't too memorable, so...
Author: You know, the apples, and the, uh, slight inconveniences...
Rarity: Don’t strain your brain, dearie. Nothing much happened.
“Yeah, I do remember. I remember the fun we had when we were racing each other. I remember that we had some awesome food. And yeah, I remember all the embarrassing stuff that happened. But that’s what made today special.
Author: Unlike this story. Seriously, the writer may as well be beating a dead horse.
Rarity and Twilight: (Looks at Author in horror)
Author: Uh, I mean, wow, look at this bad plot! Heh, heh...
That’s what made this day worth remembering, especially since it all happened with my best friend.” She landed and wrapped her leg around Applejack’s shoulders. She also took Applejack’s hat and put it on her head. Applejack gave a small laugh.
Rarity: To whom?
“You look ridiculous!”
“Any more ridiculous than the stuff that happened today?”
Author: Nothing ridiculous happened!
“Good point. An’ now that Ah think of it, that competition made me try mah hardest, an’ Ah can’t remember the last time Ah had so much fun buckin’ apples. Heck, maybe later we can look back on today an’ laugh.”
Rarity: “But we’ll probably just look back in shame.”
“Who says we have to wait? Do you remember the look on your face when you walked in on me this morning? It was hilarious!”
Twilight: Unlike the story.
“An’ I guess it was pretty funny how your wings suddenly popped out in the barn.” Rainbow didn’t exactly find it as funny as Applejack, but she joined her in laughing anyways.
Author: Wouldn’t want things to get awkward!
The house was now in sight. “Ya know, we still got a lot of apples to buck, an’ then we gotta get them ready to sell.
Twilight: “Do you think we could sell the rotten ones?”
Author: “Those dumbasses in Appleloosa will buy anything.”
Ah could sure use some more of your help, Dashie.”
Rainbow thought it over for a moment,
Rarity: Which isn’t saying much.
then gave her a nod.
Twilight: “Just what I’ve always wanted!”
“Of course I’ll help! I couldn’t just leave you with all this work left to do. Besides, we still need to settle who the best apple bucking pony is!”
“Yep. Though Ah don’t think you’re ready to beat me just yet.”
Author: We still have to get the whips and chains.
The two mares trotted towards the house in the distance as the sun slowly set behind them.
Twilight: You know, this would be heartwarming if there was actually some conflict in this story.
Of Apples and Awkwardness
Written by ObeySaturnGod
Author: Finally, we’ve reached the end, sanity mostly intact.
Author: What a waste of my time, I could have been looking for buried treasure in the time it took to read this.
Twilight: Was there a point to this fic?
Author: To try to lure us in with the possibility of clopping?
Rarity: Well it certainly didn’t deliver on that end.
Author: Whatever, all I’m concerned about now is the debt. (Speaking to TV) Pinkie, how’s that coming along?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s all cleared up! I got some of my mafia contacts to donate to your little gambling problem!
Author: Wait, you have contacts in the mafia?!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep! I thought you guys knew that already.
Twilight: Remind me to never make you mad, Pinkie...
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t worry, Twilight, I’d never send them after you! Oh, and just to let you know, Author, that debt cost me more than a pretty penny, so I’ll be expecting some payment from now on.
Author: Oh no, don’t tell me...
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep! You’re gonna be reading terrible fan fics for a long time to come! Rainbow, let them out.
(Rainbow presses a button and TV turns off with a blip. Author curls into fetal position.)
Enjoy!
Hello fellow MPPT3Kers, my name is ObeySaturnGod and I’ll be providing tonight’s entertainment. For my first time riffing I’ve chosen one of my earlier stories, a pointless little fic that I am not very proud of. Grab some popcorn and a hard cider as we delve into and make fun of the jumble of words I had the misfortune of putting together.
Author: (Crawling around workshop) ...and so I’m looking around for anything valuable I could sell before those goons come breaking the door down.
Twilight: Why would you go to Las Pegasus in the first place?
Author: What? I can’t enjoy a little gambling from time to time?
Rarity: I don’t see how you could have possibly enjoyed racking up a ten thousand bit debt. Or how you didn’t stop after the four thousand mark.
Author: I thought I could win it back!
Twilight: Well now you’ll end up face down in a gutter if you can’t pay that debt off.
Author: I regret nothing.
Twilight: Have I ever told you that you’re an idiot?
Author: Many times.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t worry Author, I can take care of that nasty debt for you!
Author: I’d ask how, but right now I’m running short on time, so what do you want in return? A cake? My eternal servitude?
(Doors swing shut and lock)
Author: I really should have seen that coming.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Tonight’s story is a little tale that can’t decide whether it wants to be a slice of life or a clopfic, Of Apples and Awkwardness.
Rarity: Splendid, a possible clopfic is sooo much better than an actual one.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s about Rainbow Dash and Applejack working together and getting in all sorts of awkward situations!
Author: Hence the name.
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Oh great, it’s not like there’s already hundreds these stories with me and Applejack in them.
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep, and this is just one more for the pile!
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Remind me to burn that pile later.
Author: Let’s just get this over with, I’m sure those debt collectors are eager to reshape my face.
Rarity: At this point, I’m sure it would be an improvement.
Author: You’re a funny pony, you know that?
(Buzzers sound)
All: We’ve got story sign!
A rooster crowed as the sun broke the horizon,
Twilight: Great, now we’re going to have to buy a new one.
its rays casting over Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack woke to the sound of the rooster, and was promptly blinded by the sun, the vicious ball taking advantage of her open curtains.
Author: The sun roofied the curtains’ drink when they weren’t looking.
Twilight: What does that mean?
Author: Don’t worry your little purple head about it.
“Consarnit!”
She gave a whimper as she massaged her eyes, reaching over to pull the curtains shut. “Today’s gonna be a bad day, Ah just know it.”
Author: “This story’s gonna be a bad story, I just know it.”
After her retinas had recovered from the shock,
Rarity: Did the sun electrocute them?
she got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom, passing Applebloom on the way. “Hey, sis, today’s apple buckin’ day, isn’ it?”
Author: Wait, who’s talking?
Twilight: Does it matter?
Author: Good point.
“Yep. We gotta get movin’ if we want to get all them apples, an’ with the new acre of trees we’re gonna have to move even faster than last year. That’s why Ah asked Rainbow Dash if she would come down to help out. Ah just hope she can get her head outta the clouds while it’s still mornin’.”
Author: (Rubbing temples) Oh, no...
Rarity: What is it now?
Author: This is gonna be one of those fics that tries to give Applejack an over the top southern accent...
She put a hoof on the bathroom door.
“Wait, sis, Rainbow Dash-“ But her warning came too late, as Applejack opened the door to find
Author: A portal to Hell.
a cyan pegasus already occupying the bathroom. She had just stepped out of the shower and was reaching for a towel when Applejack had intruded on her.
Rarity: Wow, it didn’t take long for this to get risque.
Author: How much you wanna bet it turns to clop in the next page and a half?
Rarity: Wasn’t it gambling that got you into this in the first place?
Author: ...Touche.
“APPLEJACK!? What the hay!?! A little privacy here!!”
Twilight: “We’re always naked anyways, but still!”
Rainbow Dash moved at the speed of light to cover herself with the towel as Applejack covered her eyes just as fast.
Author: Again, always naked.
Rarity: Perhaps she’s just respecting Rainbow’s privacy?
Author: This is a possible clopfic, there’s no modesty or privacy allowed.
“Ah’m sorry! Ah’m sorry! Ah didn’t know anypony else were in here!”
Twilight: “Applebloom was gonna warn me, but I was too fast for her!”
She fumbled to get out of the bathroom, not uncovering her eyes until she had a hold on the door knob and slammed the door.
Author: What did the door ever do to you?
Her cheeks had turned the same shade of red as the apples on her flank. “Applebloom, why didn’ ya tell me Rainbow was already here!?”
“Ah did try! You were the one who charged in anyways!”
Rarity: She nearly broke the door down!
“Fine, ya got me there,” Applejack admitted, a smug look coming over Applebloom’s face, “But why is Rainbow Dash already here? I didn’ think she was comin’ until around noon!”
Author: All right, this story’s already gone beyond the realm of plausibility.
Twilight: How so?
Author: Rainbow Dash would never wake up before noon, much less get to work before two!
“She said she wanted to prove to you that she could handle anythin’ you threw at her. I guess she’s eager ‘cause she got her about ten minutes ago.”
Author: Ten minutes flat, to be precise.
“Oh ho, did she now? Well, I think we’ll just have to put that to the test. Come on, let’s go grab some breakfast an’ leave Miss Forgets-To-Lock-The-Door to herself.”
Rarity: That’s the best you could do, darling?
The two walked down the stairs to the kitchen, getting a whiff of Granny Smith’s cooking that caused them to hurry their pace.
Twilight: Away from the kitchen, since the smell was horrific.
Laid out on the table was a cornucopia of apple confections, ranging from apple pie and apple dumplings to apple strudels and apple tarts.
Author: They like apples. Because they’re the Apple family.
Rarity: We get it.
Author: Don’t blame me, blame the writer.
A jug of the Apple’s famous cider sat in the middle of the table. The frail form of Granny Smith was busy scrutinizing each plate, looking for any sign that the food wasn’t up to scratch.
Twilight: Any rejects would be sent to Sugarcube Corner.
Applejack and Applebloom took a seat facing each other, and while Applebloom hungrily eyed the feast Applejack questioned her grandmare. “This is a mighty fine looking breakfast, Granny Smith. Is it because today’s apple buckin’ day?”
Author: “Nope, I just wanted to get rid of the spoiled apples from the last harvest.”
The old mare answered quickly, annoyed that her work had been interrupted.
Twilight: “The fate of the planet rests in this food!”
“Of course not! This here’s for that nice pegasus filly, what’s her name, Drainbow Rash? Wait, no, it was Raincloud Sash. Or was it Bowtie Mash?
Twilight: Uh oh, looks like Granny Smith’s gone senile.
Author: Better put her down now before she starts frothing at the mouth.
It don’t matter, this is to show her how much we care about her. Y’all better eat up, you’re gonna be bucking them trees all day long.”
Author: (Giggling)
Rarity: What’s so funny?
Author: Oh nothing, just replace a word in that sentence.
Rarity: (Thinks for a moment, then smacks Author)
“Rainbow Dash, Granny. An’ thanks for going to the trouble of feedin’ us like this.”
Twilight: We’re too damn lazy to feed ourselves.
“Don’t mention it, Sugarpie. Hey, you little whippersnapper!” Applebloom had gone for the nearest plate,
Author: But Granny Smith tagged the base!
but Granny Smith caught her by the tail before she could reach it. “Hold yer horses, ya little filly!
Rarity: Then shouldn’t she grab hold of Granny Smith?
You’ll get to eat once everypony’s here, and not a moment sooner.”
Author: “A millisecond before, and I’ll whack you into next week!”
Applebloom sulked back to her chair, lowering herself until all that could be seen was her pink bowtie, Applejack snickering at the display.
They waited about five minutes
Rarity: Give or take.
until Big Macintosh came lumbering downstairs, his huge frame filling the doorway. “Heya.” He took a seat in-between Applebloom and Granny Smith, greedily looking at the food.
Twilight: Down boy!
“Now you just wait until that rainbow pegasus gets down here before filling your face!” Granny Smith smacked Big Mac’s outstretched hoof with a wooden spoon, causing Big Mac to yank it back and give her a look of innocence.
Author: Big Mac wants his grandmother to take his innocence...
“Don’t look at me like that, young man! You know darned well we don’t eat until everypony’s at the table!”
Author: Geez, Granny Smith’s a hard ass in this story.
Twilight: I heard she single handedly hunted the timber wolves to extinction.
Big Mac looked sheepishly to the floor. “Sorry, Granny,” he mumbled. There came the sound of hooves on the hard wood, and the Apples looked to the stairs to see Rainbow Dash making her way towards the table. She gave Applejack a nasty look
Rarity: “I don’t want this, it’s all nasty!”
as she took her spot between Applejack and Granny Smith. Applejack gave her a nudge and a devilish little grin.
“So Dashie, why exactly were you taking a shower, huh?
Author: Because she was dirty? What kind of stupid question is that?
Them clouds you live on evaporate ‘fore you could get one in?”
Rarity: I don’t think that’s how clouds work...
Rainbow Dash wasn’t amused. “As if! The only reason I was using yours was because I didn’t have time for one at my cloud.
Twilight: Why not?
Author: If you try to point out all the stupid stuff in the story, we’ll be here all day.
I wasn’t even planning on taking one, but somepony who has issues with personal space wasn’t awake when I got here, so I figured I’d have time for a quick one. Guess I was wrong.” With that, she reached for an apple strudel and started mowing down on it. The others followed suit, devouring everything in sight.
Twilight: The tablecloth, the plates, even the sink.
In-between bites, Applejack continued talking with Rainbow Dash. “I don’t get why you were so embarrassed when Ah walked in on you. I mean, it’s not like you wear clothes anyways.
Rarity: What’s this? A hint of logic in the story?
Ah only panicked ‘cause you did.”
Twilight: False alarm.
Rainbow was in the middle of chewing, but that didn’t stop her from answering as she sprayed crumbs everywhere.
Rarity: Applejack didn’t appreciate the faceful of half chewed food.
“That doesn’t matter! What does matter is that you walked in on me when you shouldn’t have!” She had turned her full attention to Applejack, eyes burning into her.
Author: Uh, Rainbow? You might want to get that checked out.
Applejack returned the glare, the two coming face to face. “Well that ain’t mah fault! If you had just locked the door, we wouldn’ have gotten into that mess in the first place!”
Twilight: You walked in on her after she showered, it’s not like you killed someone!
Rarity: What drama queens! (Others look at her) Well, they are!
They were shooting knives at each other,
Author: With their knife guns.
neither looking away until Applebloom spoke up. “Maybe she left the door open cause she wanted you to look at her in the shower.”
Twilight: Applebloom! How did you even find out about that stuff?
Author: I knew she’d find Big Mac’s stash sooner or later.
Big Mac choked on the cider he had been drinking as Rainbow and Applejack looked at Applebloom with gaping mouths and pupils no bigger than a pebble, their cheeks on fire.
Twilight: Quick, someone put those fires out!
Big Mac had gotten over his choking fit and was now loudly guffawing while pounding the table with his hoof, the plates and pastries clattering as he did. Even Granny Smith was chuckling, while Applebloom was dumbfounded by the looks she was getting from Applejack and Rainbow. “What?”
Big Mac wrapped his leg around Applebloom’s shoulders, wiping a tear from his eye.
Author: How strange, this story’s moving me to tears too.
Twilight: Through emotional investment?
Author: Boredom.
“Y’all understand when you’re older, little sis.” He gave a few more chuckles and went back to eating. Applejack and Rainbow had gotten over their initial shock and were avoiding each other’s gaze while Rainbow silently asked Applejack whether or not she had a plan for Applebloom’s downfall.
Author: Down with Applebloom’s tyranny!
“So do we kill her now or later?”
Rarity: Please don’t tell me this is going to turn into a gore fic, I don’t think I can stand another one...
“Later. Don’t wanna leave witnesses.”
Twilight: Oh good, it’s being saved for the sequel.
Author. Shut up! This trainwreck doesn’t need one!
“Sounds good.” Applebloom had gone back to her food, though she stayed silent for the rest of the meal.
Twilight: She was too busy scarfing down the sink to talk.
The five ponies finished up their breakfast and four of them got up to go outside, Granny Smith staying behind to tidy up.
Author: This has been some enthralling plot development.
Rarity: Undoubtedly! I’ve never seen such a thrilling breakfast scene before!
The morning sun greeted the four with its cheeriness, though its effect was lost on Rainbow Dash and Applejack as they were too embarrassed from Applebloom’s comment to focus on anything else.
Twilight: Well, that’s kind of insulting to the sun. It spent all night warming up for their ungrateful hides.
Big Mac gazed out over the fields of apple trees and started trudging towards the barn, the others following. “Time to get goin’ sis.” He opened the barn door and let the others go in before walking in himself.
Author: It was all a ploy to get a look at Rainbow’s plot. (Punched by Twilight)
Inside was a variety of farming tools, and near the door sat four saddles with bags attached, an image of an apple adorning each bag.
Rarity: I wonder whose those are?
Twilight: Obviously Derpy’s.
Three of them were of the same make, differing in sizes, while the fourth had two round holes in them and was about the size of the middle one without the holes.
Author: Strange, there seems to be a ‘Plot Convenience Leatherworks’ mark on these saddles.
Rainbow Dash watched as the Apples got to business, obviously having done this before. Big Mac helped to hitch the average sized saddle to Applejack while she hitched the smaller one to Applebloom.
Twilight: All at the same time?
Author: It’s like a conga line with saddles.
The two sisters then took the larger one and tossed it up on Big Mac’s back, tightening the saddle as he conversed with Applejack. “Why don’t y’all get Rainbow suited up with them special saddlebags while Applebloom an’ I get started?”
“Sounds good. Y’all can start in the northen fields
Rarity: I can’t tell if that’s a spelling mistake or a sad attempt at an accent.
Author: (Eating a taco) Why not both?
while Rainbow an’ Ah work the southern ones.” He gave a nod then motioned for Applebloom to follow him. Applejack trotted over to the special saddlebag and picked it up, walking back towards Rainbow Dash. “Now hold still, Ah gotta get this thing on you just right or it won’t be set with your wings.” She hauled the saddle up on Rainbow, but something didn’t feel quite right.
Twilight: “I think I’m in a bad fanfic.”
Her wings weren’t through the holes.
Rarity: Oh no, how will she ever solve this conundrum?
“Uh, Applejack? Little help here.” She felt some tugging, but still her wings were being squashed by the leather. “Come on, what are you doing back there?
Author: Nothing clop related, no siree!
How hard is it to get a saddle-“ but she couldn’t finish her thought, as she felt two hooves on her posterior and another tugging sensation.
Author: Looks like I spoke too soon.
Her eyes went wide and, try as she might, she couldn’t stop her wings from shooting out, reaching their full span. Luckily, they had shot
Author: The writer, putting an end to this story.
through the saddle and hadn’t been trapped underneath it. As quickly as she could, she tucked her wings back into her body and turned to look at Applejack, but she found that the barn was empty.
Twilight: What’d she do, blow Applejack out of the barn?
“Applejack? Where’d you go!?” There came a rustling from a nearby pile of hay and Applejack’s naked head popped up, straw sticking out of her mane.
Author: Now’s your chance, Rainbow! Go for it!
Twilight: (Scooting away from Author) I think you need to calm down...
Author: Sorry, it’s just that I’ll take anything over this right now.
Twilight: Even Sweet Apple Massacre?
Author: … I’ll be good now.
“What in tarnation was that!?” She worked her way out of the hay, pulling her hat out of it and plucking the straw out of her hair. She put her hat back on its rightful place
Author: On her flank.
and gave Rainbow as curious stare.
Rarity: As curious stare what!?
Twilight: The world will never know!
“Mind explainin’ why your wings decided to go plum crazy?”
Rainbow’s cheeks had burst into fire once again
Twilight: Rainbow must suffer from spontaneous combustion.
as Applejack waited for an answer. “Uh… well, it… it happens to a lot of pegasi, alright!? I couldn’t control it!” Her face was scorching by this point.
Rarity: You’d think someone would have gotten some water by now!
“Let’s just get over to those fields already!”
Applejack wasn’t convinced by Rainbow’s quick deflection. “What do you mean it happens to a lot o’ pegasi? I ain’t never seen you do that before!”
Twilight: A pegasus unfolding her wings? Preposterous!
“Just drop it!”
Author: Like it’s hot!
Rainbow hurried out of the barn, but curiosity got the best of Applejack. She caught up with her and, as quietly as she could,
Rarity: Which was as quiet as a bulldozer.
snuck up and lightly touched her flank. Rainbow’s wings whipped out again as she let out a high pitched squeal. “Applejack!!”
Author: If simply touching Rainbow causes this, why hasn’t it been seen before?
Twilight: You act like this is canon.
Applejack was just as surprised as Rainbow was as she wasn’t expecting that to actually work. “So your wings only do that when someone touches you on… your…”
Author: Ass.
Rarity: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Realization finally dawned on Applejack, and her face colored the same red as Rainbow’s.
“Uh.. how ‘bout we never speak o’ this again?”
Author: Yes, let us never speak of this fic again.
Rainbow gave a quick nod then hid her embarrassed and distressed face from her poke happy friend.
Twilight: Applejack likes to poke things. A lot.
The trek to the south fields passed in an awkward silence, both of them doing their best to ignore the existence of the other one. Applejack led them to a field full of trees, though Rainbow wondered how Applejack knew that this was the south field.
Rarity: Maybe because you walked south?
All these fields looked the same to her. “Have you ever bucked apples before Dashie?” Rainbow shook her head while Applejack had positioned herself next to a tree. “It’s easier than it looks.
Author: How hard is it to kick a tree in the first place?
All ya gotta do is limber up,” she did a quick little dance,
Twilight: (Stifles laughter, drawing the others’ attention) Sorry, it’s just that the image of Applejack breakdancing popped into my mind.
All: (Pause for a moment, then burst out laughing)
“get ready,” she reared up on her front legs, “and buck!” She kicked the tree with her hind legs, causing apples to drop from the branches.
Author: While some dropped from the sky.
Applejack expertly caught them in her saddlebags, not a single apple landing on the ground. “So do ya think you have what it takes?”
“Please, I’ll have this done in ten seconds flat!”
Author: Overdone catchphrase, check.
Rarity: What’s that you’re blathering on about?
Author: Oh, it’s just my checklist of cliche plot devices. So far I’ve got the Apple family loving apples, wingboners... I’m sure there’s more to come.
She walked up to another tree and started to repeat what Applejack had done. She did a little jig,
All: (Stifling laughter)
Rainbow Dash: (From TV) Don’t you even dare think about that!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Dashie, get away from there! You’re ruining the prank!
rose up on her legs, and bucked the tree for all she was worth. The tree shuddered, giving up one apple that clobbered her on the head.
Author: It’s clobbering time!
She rubbed the spot where it had hit her and looked up at the tree in disbelief.
Twilight: “I didn’t actually expect apples to fall!”
“But I kicked that thing with everything I had! I don’t get it!”
Applejack was quietly chuckling to herself and put a hoof on Rainbow’s shoulder, causing her to flinch, but her wings stayed in place. Applejack quickly took her hoof off.
Rarity: Like a jar lid.
“Sorry. Ah didn’t think you’d be able to do it. Nope, the only ones who can buck the trees are Earth ponies. It looks like you’re gonna have to fly around an’ collect them one by one.”
Author: Earth ponies are the superior race, so it’s only fair that the others do more work.
Twilight: Hey!
Author: Oh, don’t complain, you have magic.
Rainbow sighed, took to the air and began picking at the apples in the tree.
Rarity: As opposed to the ones above the tree.
Applejack had gone to work on another tree, leaving Rainbow Dash alone with her thoughts. Only Earth ponies can buck… yeah right! She’s probably afraid that I’ll just show her up.
Twilight: Good ol’ Rainbow, more concerned about her reputation than helping her friends!
That tree was probably just some super resilient tree or something.
Author: Uh huh. Right. Gotcha.
She had finished picking the apples and flew over to begin work on another one when she saw Applejack’s progress and her mouth fell open. She had already cleared three trees in the time it took Rainbow to clear one.
Twilight: Why does that strike me as implausible?
Author: I think that’s the least of this fic’s problems.
The shock of seeing Applejack’s performance wore off quickly as Rainbow saw a challenge in the making.
Author: And I see one for us; whoever goes the longest without falling asleep wins fifty bits.
Rarity: I don’t think you’re in any position to be betting.
Author: So you’re in?
Rarity: (Ignores Author)
Author: Wussy.
“Hey, Applejack!” Applejack looked up from the tree she was bucking. “Bet ya you can’t get more apples bucking than I can flying!”
Applejack gave her a grin and yelled back. “So you think you’re hot stuff, huh?
Twilight: Considering how she’s repeatedly burst into fire...
All right! We’ll dump our apples in piles right here! The pony with the most apples at lunchtime wins!”
“It’s on!”
Author: Like Donkey Kong!
And with that, the competition began. Rainbow Dash was flying at a breakneck speed
Twilight: Killing her instantly.
around the trees, the sheer force of it pulling the apples from the trees as she caught them in her bags.
Author: What!?
Applejack had kicked on the afterburners,
Author: Applejack’s a jet. Who knew?
running from tree to tree, bucking them with so much force that she left hoof prints on some of them. Each took the apples they had collected and put them in their respective piles, the piles increasing as time went on.
Rarity: I would have never guessed.
It was nearly time for lunch, and the two ponies were clearly exhausted but refused to give in to the other. A bell sounded in the distance as they both added a final batch of apples to their piles and collapsed to the ground.
Author: Where they died. The end.
Rainbow was still on the ground when she heard Applejack cry out. “Ah don’t believe it! They’re exactly the same size!”
Twilight: Yes. That’s totally possible.
Rainbow raised herself up and looked at the piles. Sure enough, the piles were mirror images of each other.
Author: Ah, that explains it. One of them was using a giant mirror.
Rainbow groaned and saw Applejack walking back towards the house, and she hurried to catch up.
“I guess that means it’s a draw, huh?”
“Yep. Good try, though. Get a couple more seasons under your belt an’ you might just be able to beat me.”
Rarity: “But don’t hold your breath.”
Author: Or do. The story will end quicker if you do.
Rainbow gave her a playful nudge.
Author: (Gives Twilight a playful nudge)
Twilight: (Shrieks, then bucks Author)
“I don’t know, I might just beat you today.” They laughed and met each other’s eyes, causing them to blush and look away. “So, uh… what do you think’s for lunch?”
Author: No doubt more apple related food.
Applejack adjusted her hat. “Ah have no idea, but Ah’m willin’ to bet Granny Smith cooked up somethin’ delicious.”
“Sounds good.” The rest of the walk back was in silence, both of them avoiding looking at each other.
Rarity: Why?
Author: It’s like this fic has split personality disorder. One minute things are awkward, the next everything’s fine.
They reached the barn and unloaded their saddles next to the other two that were already there. “Guess they must’ve beaten us here.”
Twilight: What gave it away?
“Uh huh. Hope they at least left us somethin’ to eat.”
Rarity: Did you see how they attacked breakfast?
Twilight: They’re going to starve to death.
Author: Speaking of which, I think it’s time for a break. I need a snack...
Author: (Munching on cheese doodles) So, recap. What’s happening?
Twilight: Some breakfast, some apple bucking, some awkward situations blown way out of proportion...
Author: So jack shit.
Rarity: To put it bluntly, yes.
Author: Just as long as it doesn’t turn into a gore fic, I’ll be good. (Speaking to TV) Pinkie, are you sure you can take care of my debt?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t be such a worry wart, Author! I told you I’d take care of that business. You should just focus on the story.
Author: Why do I get the feeling there’s something you’re not telling us?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Enough talk, it’s story time!
(Buzzers sound.)
All: We’ve got story sign!
They made their way towards the house, catching sight of a napping Granny Smith in her rocking chair on the porch. “Heh heh, poor Granny must’ve tuckered herself out cooking up our lunch.”
Twilight: Actually, she’s dead. It’s just the wind moving her.
Rarity: Such a shame...
She gave her grandmare a kiss on the head and held the door open for her friend, following her inside. The large table had been refilled with delicacies, and Big Mac and Applebloom had already started digging in.
Author: Luckily they had shovels.
Applebloom gave them a wave and went back to her plate while Big Mac, having enjoyed Applebloom’s earlier comment about the two so much, decided to remind them of it.
All: (Stare at each other)
Author: Well that’s not creepy at all.
“Hope ya two didn’t get too distracted out there by your lonesome, I can’t buck all them trees myself while you’re foolin’ ‘round out there.”
Twilight: … Did he just insinuate what I think he insinuated?
Unfortunately for him, his laughing fit distracted him from the two apple pies that were flung at his face, Rainbow and Applejack’s aim true.
Rarity: Their aim was under oath.
Splotches of baked apple and crust clung to his coat as they all burst into laughter as Big Mac tried to wipe the mess off of himself.
Author: That hurt to read.
Twilight: Just smile and nod, and maybe the story will go away.
“Heh heh, all right, Ah deserved that.” Applejack and Rainbow Dash took their seats and started into their food. They had a relatively normal lunch, at least, it was normal compared to the how their day had gone so far. Big Mac had gone upstairs to quickly shower
Author: Oh, god, don’t tell me...
and Applebloom went outside to play, leaving Rainbow and Applejack alone with each other. Rainbow yawned loudly, catching Applejack’s attention.
Twilight: She snagged it out of the air.
“Tired, Dashie? Ah understand. Mah first apple bucking day, Ah couldn’ even reach lunch ‘fore Ah went back up to bed.”
Author: Two tired mares, a mention of bed, and no clopping.
Twilight: What could it mean?
Author: The apocalypse.
Rainbow was vexed by A.J.’s comment and deflected her concern. “Tired? I’m not tired!
Author: “Do you see any tiremarks on my body!?”
Rarity and Twilight: (Groan in pain.)
How could I be tired when I’m having so much fun collecting more apples than you?”
“Hey now, we tied. Don’t get your head in the clouds.”
Author: Remark about Rainbow’s head in clouds, check.
“I’m just saying, we tied even though this is the first time I’ve done this. Just kinda makes you think I might be better than you.” Rainbow’s face was now decorated
Rarity: The glitter went well with the facepaint.
with a smug smile while Applejack’s eyes became slits.
“Ah reckon that there’s still enough daylight left for me to teach you a thing or two about apple buckin’! Or apple pickin’, in your case.”
“Then let’s get at it!”
Author: Hot.
Twilight: (Horn glowing) Don’t tempt me.
Rainbow suddenly jumped up from the table and flew out the door, Applejack frantically following her. They got their saddles hitched up once more and headed back out to where their piles of apples were still waiting for them.
Rarity: Were they expecting the apples to run away?
“Alright, we still got about half of this field left to go ‘fore we can move on to another one.” The words had barely left Applejack’s mouth
Author: Quick, catch those words!
Twilight: I’m not done with them yet!
when Rainbow took off for the nearest tree with apples. Sighing, Applejack quickly made her way over to another tree, giving it a good buck and collecting the apples as they fell.
Rarity: Such riveting dialogue!
Twilight: Such action packed adventure!
Author: Such snarky riffing!
All: All this and more, only on Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000!
The sun beat down on them as they toiled,
Twilight: “Work faster, slaves!”
but this only caused them to work harder as they tried to outrace each other. It was the middle of the afternoon when they were finally done.
Once again, they had collapsed near their piles,
Author: And died from heat exhaustion. The end.
Rarity: You should probably just give up the wishful thinking.
Author: A man can dream, damn it!
but this time it was Rainbow who noticed that they were the same size. “You gotta be kidding!! How the heck could this have even happened!?”
Author: Plot convenience strikes again!
Applejack raised herself up on her tired hooves and shook her head at the apples.
Twilight: They were such a disappointment.
“Maybe we each got half of the trees? Maybe it’s just a big ol’ coincidence.
Author: Maybe it’s bad writing?
However it happened, we’re done with this field. Follow me an’ we’ll go start on the next one.” Applejack set out as Rainbow hovered behind her.
They had walked past the edge of the southern fields, travelling into a clearing filled with white flowers
Rarity: How romantic.
Twilight: And cliched.
when Rainbow started complaining. “Hey, A.J., why don’t we take a break? My wings are killing me.”
Author: Tonight’s headline, ‘Blue Pegasus Killed by Wings, Wings Still at Large!’
“Ah was just about to say the same thing.”
Rarity: I didn’t realize Applejack was a pegasus.
She loosened the straps of her empty saddle, letting it slide off her as Rainbow did the same. They left their saddles behind as they sat down, looking out over the hundreds of apple trees that still needed to be harvested. Applejack turned to Rainbow, a sheepish look on her face.
Twilight: As it turns out, she was a sheep the whole time.
“Hey, Dashie? Ah’m sorry about… well, about what happened this mornin’. I didn’ mean to barge in on ya like that.”
Author: Why are we still talking about the shower!?
Rarity: It’s the most interesting thing that’s happened so far.
Twilight: That’s not saying much.
Rainbow began blushing, but didn’t let it distract her from answering. “You don’t have to be sorry, it was my fault in the first place. I should’ve just taken a shower in my cloud,
Author: Yes, you should have. We could’ve avoided this whole ‘plot’ if you had.
but I guess I was too eager to get started. I just wanted to show you I could keep up with you.”
“No need to beat yourself up, Dashie.
Twilight: The sun already has that covered.
I guess we both made mistakes.” Applejack yawned, suddenly aware of how tired she was. Rainbow responded with a yawn of her own, and lied down on her side on the ground.
Author: I would’ve thought she laid down on her head without that description.
Applejack did the same, becoming a mirror image of Rainbow, though with less rainbow mane and more hat. Their manes and hooves were lightly touching, but they were too tired to care.
Rarity: And I’m too tired to continue riffing.
Twilight: I think we’re near the end.
“Ya know… considerin’ this is your first apple bucking, you didn’ do so bad…’ Her eyelids drooped, and Rainbow copied her.
Author: She must have had a large printer. (Smacked by Twilight and Rarity)
“I did learn form the best…’
Twilight: I think the writer needs to learn to form words.
And with that, both of the mares fell asleep. They moved closer and closer to each other, completely unaware that they were inching closer as they were unconscious.
Rarity: This is entirely within the realm of possibility.
Author: Just give it up, we’re almost done.
The sky was showing streaks of crimson when Applejack awoke, and she immediately felt something wrong. She kept her eyes shut as she tried to figure out what the strange feeling was.
Twilight: You’re becoming a mare, Applejack.
Her muzzle was pressing against something warm and soft.
Author: An apple pie?
She risked a quick look and yelled out in surprise, waking up Rainbow in the process. They had been kissing! Somehow, someway, they had moved close enough to each other so that their mouths were touching!
Author: That’s known as a kiss.
Twilight: Don’t you love redundancy?
Rarity and Author: Yes.
Author and Rarity: Yes.
Applejack blushed furiously and scrambled away from Rainbow, but Rainbow didn’t seem to have noticed what had happened.
Rarity: She was slow like that.
“Applejack, what’s wrong? Did you see a hornet or something?” Applejack could only stutter as her brain tried reaching for a response, but came up empty.
Twilight: Her brain was too short to reach the response jar.
She could only raise a hoof to her mouth and then point to Rainbow’s mouth. It took her a few seconds, but when she got it,
Author: How? For all she knows, Applejack could have been pointing at a stain on her mouth.
the color of her face rivaled the streaks in the sky. “Buh… uh… um, yeah… I guess… that happened…” The tension in the air could have been cut with a knife.
Author: Overused metaphor, check.
Rarity: How’s that list coming along?
Author: I think I’m gonna need more parchment.
The two awkwardly shuffled around for a few seconds before deciding wordlessly to return to the house. The times they had walked together before had been bad enough, but this was going to a whole new level. Rainbow couldn’t take the silence,
Twilight: It was protected by three inch thick glass.
and spoke up. “Sooo… it’s been an… interesting day… how about those apples, huh? Two same size stacks, can you believe it?” She gave a forced laugh, but Applejack wasn’t amused. Rainbow furrowed her brow slightly, becoming serious.
Rarity: Playtime’s over.
“Look, what happened happened. We can’t change that. But it’s not really that big of a deal. We wouldn’t be best friends if we let some petty stuff like this affect our friendship, would we?”
Author: Oh please, our friendship has endured much, much worse shit than anything in this story.
Twilight: We did get through Cupcakes...
Rarity: And Pattycakes.
Author: All right, that’s enough! I didn’t say we needed to bring those memories back!
“Ah guess you’re right… still feels weird, though. Dangit, Ah knew when Ah woke up today was gonna be a bad day.”
Author: How funny, I knew this was gonna be a bad story when we began reading!
“Bad day? Who said today was a bad day?”
Twilight: Is she deaf?
Applejack stopped walking and looked at Rainbow. “Were you not paying attention for the entire day!? Don’t ya remember all the stuff that happened?”
RatherHomely: Well, the story wasn't too memorable, so...
Author: You know, the apples, and the, uh, slight inconveniences...
Rarity: Don’t strain your brain, dearie. Nothing much happened.
“Yeah, I do remember. I remember the fun we had when we were racing each other. I remember that we had some awesome food. And yeah, I remember all the embarrassing stuff that happened. But that’s what made today special.
Author: Unlike this story. Seriously, the writer may as well be beating a dead horse.
Rarity and Twilight: (Looks at Author in horror)
Author: Uh, I mean, wow, look at this bad plot! Heh, heh...
That’s what made this day worth remembering, especially since it all happened with my best friend.” She landed and wrapped her leg around Applejack’s shoulders. She also took Applejack’s hat and put it on her head. Applejack gave a small laugh.
Rarity: To whom?
“You look ridiculous!”
“Any more ridiculous than the stuff that happened today?”
Author: Nothing ridiculous happened!
“Good point. An’ now that Ah think of it, that competition made me try mah hardest, an’ Ah can’t remember the last time Ah had so much fun buckin’ apples. Heck, maybe later we can look back on today an’ laugh.”
Rarity: “But we’ll probably just look back in shame.”
“Who says we have to wait? Do you remember the look on your face when you walked in on me this morning? It was hilarious!”
Twilight: Unlike the story.
“An’ I guess it was pretty funny how your wings suddenly popped out in the barn.” Rainbow didn’t exactly find it as funny as Applejack, but she joined her in laughing anyways.
Author: Wouldn’t want things to get awkward!
The house was now in sight. “Ya know, we still got a lot of apples to buck, an’ then we gotta get them ready to sell.
Twilight: “Do you think we could sell the rotten ones?”
Author: “Those dumbasses in Appleloosa will buy anything.”
Ah could sure use some more of your help, Dashie.”
Rainbow thought it over for a moment,
Rarity: Which isn’t saying much.
then gave her a nod.
Twilight: “Just what I’ve always wanted!”
“Of course I’ll help! I couldn’t just leave you with all this work left to do. Besides, we still need to settle who the best apple bucking pony is!”
“Yep. Though Ah don’t think you’re ready to beat me just yet.”
Author: We still have to get the whips and chains.
The two mares trotted towards the house in the distance as the sun slowly set behind them.
Twilight: You know, this would be heartwarming if there was actually some conflict in this story.
Of Apples and Awkwardness
Written by ObeySaturnGod
Author: Finally, we’ve reached the end, sanity mostly intact.
Author: What a waste of my time, I could have been looking for buried treasure in the time it took to read this.
Twilight: Was there a point to this fic?
Author: To try to lure us in with the possibility of clopping?
Rarity: Well it certainly didn’t deliver on that end.
Author: Whatever, all I’m concerned about now is the debt. (Speaking to TV) Pinkie, how’s that coming along?
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) It’s all cleared up! I got some of my mafia contacts to donate to your little gambling problem!
Author: Wait, you have contacts in the mafia?!
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep! I thought you guys knew that already.
Twilight: Remind me to never make you mad, Pinkie...
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Don’t worry, Twilight, I’d never send them after you! Oh, and just to let you know, Author, that debt cost me more than a pretty penny, so I’ll be expecting some payment from now on.
Author: Oh no, don’t tell me...
Pinkie Pie: (From TV) Yep! You’re gonna be reading terrible fan fics for a long time to come! Rainbow, let them out.
(Rainbow presses a button and TV turns off with a blip. Author curls into fetal position.)