MPPT3K Guest Submission:
The Day my Beard Turned into Pinkie Pie, Chapter 1
Mister Fluttershy was even more bored than I thought, because he also riffed the first chapter of another story called "The Day my Beard Turned into Pinkie Pie". This story is awesome. And funny. Read the unriffed version here.
Enjoy!
Author: *walks in moping* Fuck it! Let’s do a riff!
*Twilight and Pinkie Pie fall in from nowhere*
Twilight: What the?!
Pinkie Pie: Weeeee!
Author: We’re doing a riff. Right now.
*Pinkie and Twilight share a look*
Pinkie Pie: Why’s that? I thought you hated them silly!
Author: ‘cause I feel like it.
*Rainbow Dash pops up on screen*
Rainbow Dash: Uhh... okay. You’re riff for today is a comedy called “The Day My Beard Turned Into Pinkie Pie” by TheSlorg.
Twilight: That’s an odd name...
Pinkie Pie: I get to be a beard! Yay!
All: We’ve got story sign!
How Could This Happen to Me?
Author: [insert witty comment here]
Twilight: Wait... how did you put brackets in your words?!
Author: CAUS3 1’M UB3R L33T
Harvey Grimwold was drunk.
Twilight: That’s a negative way to put it.
Author: His name is Grimwold.
Pinkie Pie: I prefer to call it intoxicated on fun!
Twilight: Or just alcohol.
He stumbled through the door of the Barking Spider
Spider: RUFF RUFF
All: AH!
tavern and promptly missed the first step leading to the sidewalk entirely. His balance shifted forward and he briefly thought, Where'd the ground go? before collapsing to the pavement. The biker lay prone
Author: The camping bastard.
for a few moments to clear his head. All that forward momentum had sent the world spinning in lazy circles around his eyes. Or were his eyes spinning in circles? He didn't care one way or the other.
Twilight: He should probably get that checked out.
Pinkie Pie: Or he might get Derp syndrome!
Better not let the boys see me like this, he thought to himself.
Pinkie Pie: “That would set a bad example for them.”
Ordinarily, Harvey would have gone drinking with his fellow members of the Hell's Angels.
Pinkie Pie: Oh those kind of boys!
*Twilight and Author facepalm/hoof*
Today, however, had been a rough one. He didn't like to bring the boys into his personal troubles. Hanging out with them was for fun times only.
Author: Getting drunk isn’t fun?
Pinkie Pie: It’s fun to watch!
He put an unsteady hand onto the pavement and prepared to haul himself back to his feet. His plans were ruined when he felt a sudden pressure between his shoulder blades that pushed him back down.
"Hey, look at what we have here?" a dreadfully familiar voice asked mockingly as its owner ground his foot harder into Harvey's back. "Could it be the legendary Harvey Grimwold?"
Twilight: He’s a celebrity?
Author: Never would have guessed that with his copious amounts of “grace”
Coarse laughter rose from the other members of the Vagos
Author: Somehow that sounds like a bad word. “Stop touching my Vagos!”
Pinkie Pie: “But my Vagos is my fun place!”
gang that had surrounded him. The day was about to get much worse.
"Leave me be, Tony. You don't want any trouble you can't handle," Harvey said from his position under Tony's boot.
Author: Fat Tony?
Twilight: What?
Author: Simpsons. Love ‘em or hate ‘em.
"Shove it, Grimwold. We know you're alone," the gang member known as Tony responded harshly. " You deserve this for putting Donny in the hospital.
Pinkie Pie: How’d he do that?
Twilight: By drunkenly falling on them?
Author: He’s the member of the Hell’s Angels. Use your imagination.
Pinkie Pie: He beat Donny’s Vagos furiously.
You and your goons think you can just beat our brother to a pulp and not expect payback? But don't worry, we won't be taking your life tonight. We like you too much to do that. I think that we'll just take your ride this time!"
Author: *chuckling* And I thought the Vagos joke was bad!
He kicked Harvey in the back of the head, bent quickly and searched until he found the right set of keys, then stood up and moved toward a custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead that was parked nearby.
"No man, not Jeanie! Hey, get away from my Jeanie!"
Author: “He hasn’t given my my last wish yet!”
Harvey called out.
He tried to stand up, but his head spun rapidly
Author: You spin my head right round, right round...
and he fell back to the ground. The flashing neon lights of the bar seemed to meld together as he heard his motorcycle start to rev its engine. Aw man, anything but Jeanie, Harvey thought as the other members of the Vagos gang
Author: “Members of the Vagos gang?” I guess they’re real “dicks”
*Twilight slaps Author*
ran over to their rides, laughing at his misfortune along the way.
Author: Dicks.
Twilight: That wasn’t funny the first time.
The sound of nearly a dozen bikes revving filled the night. A few of the Vagos turned around and flashed colorful sign language at him before taking off.
Pinkie Pie: So they made him a painting? So nice!
The rumble of the motorcycles soon faded away. Putting his hand down for support once more, Harvey finally managed to make it to his feet again. He felt the back of his head and found a lump where Tony had kicked him. He'd have to make the Vagos pay for that, but he had a bigger problem to deal with.
Author: Damn Vagos. Always being... *cracks up* dicks.
Twilight: Seriously?
"Jeanie," he mumbled to himself.
Author: “She left without that freaking last wish!”
Twilight: That was funny the first time.
He was going to have to bust some heads, it was as simple as that. He was a Hell's Angel, not some chump who rode a Kawasaki.
Twilight: What?
Author: Sounds like one of those little Japanese cars.
His Jeanie had been irrevocably violated the moment a Vagos crotch had come into contact with her sweet body.
All: …
Author: That’s so easy even I won’t say something.
He briefly thought of contacting the police, and chuckled at the thought. He'd probably be arrested on the spot.
Author: Watch out guys! We’ve got a badass over here!
Twilight: Actually, what do you have to do to get in one of these gangs?
Author: … Um. Okay guys! We do have a badass over here!
Regardless, he still needed to get his motorcycle back. He decided he'd retrieve it when he went to pay the Vagos back for kicking his head. That had been entirely unnecessary, and retribution was in order.
Author: Quite. He needs to be prim and proper.
Twilight: Since all he’s done so far is be that way.
First thing was first, though. He needed to get home and have some rest.
The piercing sound of the alarm clock stirred Harvey from his deep sleep. He fumbled blindly for the button to turn it off,
RatherHomely: Poor guy. They must've kicked him really hard in the eyes.
and managed to knock the entire clock to the floor.
Author: Smooth move, Xlax.
The offending noise continued.
Grumbling, the hung-over biker leaned over the side of the bed and groped about for the clock.
Author: Heh. Groped.
Twilight: What has gotten into you today?! Did you finally hit puberty or something?
He refused to open his eyes just yet, and felt his boots, a few empty beer cans, and a magazine that would either be about motorcycles or girls, he couldn't tell which,
Author: What exquisite taste.
Pinkie Pie: *wearing monocle and top hat* Quite.
before finally reaching the clock and shutting it off.
Why did I even set the alarm? I don't have work today, he thought irritably.
Then he remembered that he couldn't even get to work, or anywhere else. His dear Jeanie had been taken from him. No matter, he'd get it back. He'd just gather a few of the boys and...
No. He couldn't let them know about this. He had been drinking alone, and you just don't do that when you can invite your buddies along.
Twilight: Actually, you could, and then this story would be 20x shorter.
Pinkie Pie: *still wearing monocle and top hat* But as he’s already shown, he has the utmost intelligence.
He had a reputation to keep, so he would take care of this little problem by himself. He just wasn't quite sure how to go about that yet. Maybe he'd figure it out after a shower.
Author: When does that ever work? Like, really.
Harvey climbed out of bed and stretched. He then walked towards the full-length mirror in the corner of the bedroom, kicking beer cans out from his path along the way. He reached the mirror and had a look. His dull, brown eyes were bloodshot. A bald head helped to steer attention away from his crooked nose. Complimenting it all was a full, thick, brown beard that hung past his throat. His shoulders were broad and well-muscled, though age was slowly beginning to soften areas that had once been solid.
Twilight: Sounds like top physical condition.
Pinkie Pie: *still wearing monocle and top hat* Quite.
He looked down to his beer gut.
"Ooh yeah, the ladies love you, don't they?" he asked his belly. He grabbed it and shook it up and down as if it were vigorously nodding in response. He chuckled to himself and made his way into the bathroom.
Author: Forever Alone.
Twilight: Pretty much the definition.
Harvey turned on the light and blinked at the sudden brightness. He moved to the toilet, lifted the seat, and began to relieve himself.
"Gonna break me some Vagos tonight!" he sung off-key to himself. "Yeah, boy! Gonna kick some heads!"
Pinkie Pie: *not wearing monocle or top hat* I hope your boys don’t hear that kind of talk!
He flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to brush his teeth. Looking down, he grabbed a tube of toothpaste and unscrewed the lid.
"Gonna find me some women tonight!" he continued.
Twilight: Since you’re so physically pleasing.
"Yeah, boy! Gonna get Jeanie back, too!"
He grabbed his toothbrush in his right hand and carefully squeezed a generous amount of green, mint-flavored toothpaste onto it.
"Gonna get drunk tonight! Yeah, boy! Gonna have a good time!"
Pinkie Pie: I thought that wasn’t fun for you?
Author: Only sometimes.
Harvey looked up into the mirror and raised the toothbrush to his mouth, but stopped suddenly. His mind was reeling. Now why'd my beard go and turn pink? he thought to himself. He watched in horror as the hairs began to shift, revealing a small, pink creature that had been hidden within.
Author: I would piss myself.
Twilight: Author: figure of ultimate manliness.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie, we're going to be the best of friends!" the beard creature said to him in a high-pitched, female voice.
Pinkie Pie: Hi Beard Pinkie!
Beard Pinkie: Hi!
Author: Wat.
Twilight: This isn’t even possible.
Author: IMPOSSIBRU!
Harvey Grimwold dropped his toothbrush, turned around and ran from the bathroom at full-speed. The devil's done come to collect on my sins! he thought wildly.
Pinkie Pie: “Gosh darnit! I guess we gotta run!”
Author: Cue chase music.
"Oh good Lord above, I don't want to die yet!" he screamed.
His beard-thing giggled at him, "Oh, don't be a silly filly. You look healthy enough."
"Demon!" Harvey yelled as he raced through the house, "Demon on my face!"
Pinkie Pie: *sad* I’m not a demon...
Twilight: Don’t be sad Pinkie. This guy is a fat idiot.
His beard-thing screamed, "Ack, demon! Get it away from me, get it away!" He could feel what seemed to be little arms or legs pounding on his chin.
Author: I would jump out my window like this.
Harvey was in hysterics and had no idea what to do. He ran around the house, knocking over lamps and overturning tables
Twilight: Because that will surely get rid of a demon.
until his foot finally landed on an empty beer can and he slipped. His head hit the floor with a thud and everything went black.
Author: Chapter done?
Twilight: Seems so...
Author: ON TO THE NEXT! ALLONS-Y!
Enjoy!
Author: *walks in moping* Fuck it! Let’s do a riff!
*Twilight and Pinkie Pie fall in from nowhere*
Twilight: What the?!
Pinkie Pie: Weeeee!
Author: We’re doing a riff. Right now.
*Pinkie and Twilight share a look*
Pinkie Pie: Why’s that? I thought you hated them silly!
Author: ‘cause I feel like it.
*Rainbow Dash pops up on screen*
Rainbow Dash: Uhh... okay. You’re riff for today is a comedy called “The Day My Beard Turned Into Pinkie Pie” by TheSlorg.
Twilight: That’s an odd name...
Pinkie Pie: I get to be a beard! Yay!
All: We’ve got story sign!
How Could This Happen to Me?
Author: [insert witty comment here]
Twilight: Wait... how did you put brackets in your words?!
Author: CAUS3 1’M UB3R L33T
Harvey Grimwold was drunk.
Twilight: That’s a negative way to put it.
Author: His name is Grimwold.
Pinkie Pie: I prefer to call it intoxicated on fun!
Twilight: Or just alcohol.
He stumbled through the door of the Barking Spider
Spider: RUFF RUFF
All: AH!
tavern and promptly missed the first step leading to the sidewalk entirely. His balance shifted forward and he briefly thought, Where'd the ground go? before collapsing to the pavement. The biker lay prone
Author: The camping bastard.
for a few moments to clear his head. All that forward momentum had sent the world spinning in lazy circles around his eyes. Or were his eyes spinning in circles? He didn't care one way or the other.
Twilight: He should probably get that checked out.
Pinkie Pie: Or he might get Derp syndrome!
Better not let the boys see me like this, he thought to himself.
Pinkie Pie: “That would set a bad example for them.”
Ordinarily, Harvey would have gone drinking with his fellow members of the Hell's Angels.
Pinkie Pie: Oh those kind of boys!
*Twilight and Author facepalm/hoof*
Today, however, had been a rough one. He didn't like to bring the boys into his personal troubles. Hanging out with them was for fun times only.
Author: Getting drunk isn’t fun?
Pinkie Pie: It’s fun to watch!
He put an unsteady hand onto the pavement and prepared to haul himself back to his feet. His plans were ruined when he felt a sudden pressure between his shoulder blades that pushed him back down.
"Hey, look at what we have here?" a dreadfully familiar voice asked mockingly as its owner ground his foot harder into Harvey's back. "Could it be the legendary Harvey Grimwold?"
Twilight: He’s a celebrity?
Author: Never would have guessed that with his copious amounts of “grace”
Coarse laughter rose from the other members of the Vagos
Author: Somehow that sounds like a bad word. “Stop touching my Vagos!”
Pinkie Pie: “But my Vagos is my fun place!”
gang that had surrounded him. The day was about to get much worse.
"Leave me be, Tony. You don't want any trouble you can't handle," Harvey said from his position under Tony's boot.
Author: Fat Tony?
Twilight: What?
Author: Simpsons. Love ‘em or hate ‘em.
"Shove it, Grimwold. We know you're alone," the gang member known as Tony responded harshly. " You deserve this for putting Donny in the hospital.
Pinkie Pie: How’d he do that?
Twilight: By drunkenly falling on them?
Author: He’s the member of the Hell’s Angels. Use your imagination.
Pinkie Pie: He beat Donny’s Vagos furiously.
You and your goons think you can just beat our brother to a pulp and not expect payback? But don't worry, we won't be taking your life tonight. We like you too much to do that. I think that we'll just take your ride this time!"
Author: *chuckling* And I thought the Vagos joke was bad!
He kicked Harvey in the back of the head, bent quickly and searched until he found the right set of keys, then stood up and moved toward a custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead that was parked nearby.
"No man, not Jeanie! Hey, get away from my Jeanie!"
Author: “He hasn’t given my my last wish yet!”
Harvey called out.
He tried to stand up, but his head spun rapidly
Author: You spin my head right round, right round...
and he fell back to the ground. The flashing neon lights of the bar seemed to meld together as he heard his motorcycle start to rev its engine. Aw man, anything but Jeanie, Harvey thought as the other members of the Vagos gang
Author: “Members of the Vagos gang?” I guess they’re real “dicks”
*Twilight slaps Author*
ran over to their rides, laughing at his misfortune along the way.
Author: Dicks.
Twilight: That wasn’t funny the first time.
The sound of nearly a dozen bikes revving filled the night. A few of the Vagos turned around and flashed colorful sign language at him before taking off.
Pinkie Pie: So they made him a painting? So nice!
The rumble of the motorcycles soon faded away. Putting his hand down for support once more, Harvey finally managed to make it to his feet again. He felt the back of his head and found a lump where Tony had kicked him. He'd have to make the Vagos pay for that, but he had a bigger problem to deal with.
Author: Damn Vagos. Always being... *cracks up* dicks.
Twilight: Seriously?
"Jeanie," he mumbled to himself.
Author: “She left without that freaking last wish!”
Twilight: That was funny the first time.
He was going to have to bust some heads, it was as simple as that. He was a Hell's Angel, not some chump who rode a Kawasaki.
Twilight: What?
Author: Sounds like one of those little Japanese cars.
His Jeanie had been irrevocably violated the moment a Vagos crotch had come into contact with her sweet body.
All: …
Author: That’s so easy even I won’t say something.
He briefly thought of contacting the police, and chuckled at the thought. He'd probably be arrested on the spot.
Author: Watch out guys! We’ve got a badass over here!
Twilight: Actually, what do you have to do to get in one of these gangs?
Author: … Um. Okay guys! We do have a badass over here!
Regardless, he still needed to get his motorcycle back. He decided he'd retrieve it when he went to pay the Vagos back for kicking his head. That had been entirely unnecessary, and retribution was in order.
Author: Quite. He needs to be prim and proper.
Twilight: Since all he’s done so far is be that way.
First thing was first, though. He needed to get home and have some rest.
The piercing sound of the alarm clock stirred Harvey from his deep sleep. He fumbled blindly for the button to turn it off,
RatherHomely: Poor guy. They must've kicked him really hard in the eyes.
and managed to knock the entire clock to the floor.
Author: Smooth move, Xlax.
The offending noise continued.
Grumbling, the hung-over biker leaned over the side of the bed and groped about for the clock.
Author: Heh. Groped.
Twilight: What has gotten into you today?! Did you finally hit puberty or something?
He refused to open his eyes just yet, and felt his boots, a few empty beer cans, and a magazine that would either be about motorcycles or girls, he couldn't tell which,
Author: What exquisite taste.
Pinkie Pie: *wearing monocle and top hat* Quite.
before finally reaching the clock and shutting it off.
Why did I even set the alarm? I don't have work today, he thought irritably.
Then he remembered that he couldn't even get to work, or anywhere else. His dear Jeanie had been taken from him. No matter, he'd get it back. He'd just gather a few of the boys and...
No. He couldn't let them know about this. He had been drinking alone, and you just don't do that when you can invite your buddies along.
Twilight: Actually, you could, and then this story would be 20x shorter.
Pinkie Pie: *still wearing monocle and top hat* But as he’s already shown, he has the utmost intelligence.
He had a reputation to keep, so he would take care of this little problem by himself. He just wasn't quite sure how to go about that yet. Maybe he'd figure it out after a shower.
Author: When does that ever work? Like, really.
Harvey climbed out of bed and stretched. He then walked towards the full-length mirror in the corner of the bedroom, kicking beer cans out from his path along the way. He reached the mirror and had a look. His dull, brown eyes were bloodshot. A bald head helped to steer attention away from his crooked nose. Complimenting it all was a full, thick, brown beard that hung past his throat. His shoulders were broad and well-muscled, though age was slowly beginning to soften areas that had once been solid.
Twilight: Sounds like top physical condition.
Pinkie Pie: *still wearing monocle and top hat* Quite.
He looked down to his beer gut.
"Ooh yeah, the ladies love you, don't they?" he asked his belly. He grabbed it and shook it up and down as if it were vigorously nodding in response. He chuckled to himself and made his way into the bathroom.
Author: Forever Alone.
Twilight: Pretty much the definition.
Harvey turned on the light and blinked at the sudden brightness. He moved to the toilet, lifted the seat, and began to relieve himself.
"Gonna break me some Vagos tonight!" he sung off-key to himself. "Yeah, boy! Gonna kick some heads!"
Pinkie Pie: *not wearing monocle or top hat* I hope your boys don’t hear that kind of talk!
He flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to brush his teeth. Looking down, he grabbed a tube of toothpaste and unscrewed the lid.
"Gonna find me some women tonight!" he continued.
Twilight: Since you’re so physically pleasing.
"Yeah, boy! Gonna get Jeanie back, too!"
He grabbed his toothbrush in his right hand and carefully squeezed a generous amount of green, mint-flavored toothpaste onto it.
"Gonna get drunk tonight! Yeah, boy! Gonna have a good time!"
Pinkie Pie: I thought that wasn’t fun for you?
Author: Only sometimes.
Harvey looked up into the mirror and raised the toothbrush to his mouth, but stopped suddenly. His mind was reeling. Now why'd my beard go and turn pink? he thought to himself. He watched in horror as the hairs began to shift, revealing a small, pink creature that had been hidden within.
Author: I would piss myself.
Twilight: Author: figure of ultimate manliness.
"Hi! I'm Pinkie, we're going to be the best of friends!" the beard creature said to him in a high-pitched, female voice.
Pinkie Pie: Hi Beard Pinkie!
Beard Pinkie: Hi!
Author: Wat.
Twilight: This isn’t even possible.
Author: IMPOSSIBRU!
Harvey Grimwold dropped his toothbrush, turned around and ran from the bathroom at full-speed. The devil's done come to collect on my sins! he thought wildly.
Pinkie Pie: “Gosh darnit! I guess we gotta run!”
Author: Cue chase music.
"Oh good Lord above, I don't want to die yet!" he screamed.
His beard-thing giggled at him, "Oh, don't be a silly filly. You look healthy enough."
"Demon!" Harvey yelled as he raced through the house, "Demon on my face!"
Pinkie Pie: *sad* I’m not a demon...
Twilight: Don’t be sad Pinkie. This guy is a fat idiot.
His beard-thing screamed, "Ack, demon! Get it away from me, get it away!" He could feel what seemed to be little arms or legs pounding on his chin.
Author: I would jump out my window like this.
Harvey was in hysterics and had no idea what to do. He ran around the house, knocking over lamps and overturning tables
Twilight: Because that will surely get rid of a demon.
until his foot finally landed on an empty beer can and he slipped. His head hit the floor with a thud and everything went black.
Author: Chapter done?
Twilight: Seems so...
Author: ON TO THE NEXT! ALLONS-Y!