Riffs from the Cutting Room Floor, Episode 01
Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date
Felicitations, malefactors! My name is TheAuthorGl1m0, and for a change, I’ve decided to officially enter the riffing game myself. Apparently, starting and now managing a riff archive site is not enough, so now I must actually partake in the bloody things as well. (Although, to be fair, I’ve been doing some on-and-off commenting on Fan/fic/ Theater 3000 already, and I’ve also participated in the “Dirty Sexy Pony” crossover riff, so riffing isn’t “new” to me. All the better!)
So, why am I here? Well, if you didn’t pick up on my intentions in the previous paragraph already, I’m gonna be doing some MSTs for you good folks. I've tossed and turned over which fic to haze first, and I even had some riffs partially written for other stories, but when Draklox suggested THIS fanfic to me, well... I figured, “why not?” I chose to give it a quick MST. The story of which I speak is called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”, by Pony-Berserker. It's pretty much run-of-the-mill shipping (except, well... it isn't), and the narrative itself is... insubstantial. Unlike some of the stuff that typically gets riffed, this here feels like a legitimate attempt at a story... it just kind of fails at it. You can find the unriffed version HERE. With intros out of the way, let's get on wit’ it!
So, why am I here? Well, if you didn’t pick up on my intentions in the previous paragraph already, I’m gonna be doing some MSTs for you good folks. I've tossed and turned over which fic to haze first, and I even had some riffs partially written for other stories, but when Draklox suggested THIS fanfic to me, well... I figured, “why not?” I chose to give it a quick MST. The story of which I speak is called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”, by Pony-Berserker. It's pretty much run-of-the-mill shipping (except, well... it isn't), and the narrative itself is... insubstantial. Unlike some of the stuff that typically gets riffed, this here feels like a legitimate attempt at a story... it just kind of fails at it. You can find the unriffed version HERE. With intros out of the way, let's get on wit’ it!
TheAuthorGl1m0 (writing): “...And then Pinkiedash was a zombie.” Nah, too memetic... (Starts erasing.)
(Unbeknownst to him, the door to his Writing Studio opens up, and two ponies walk inside.)
Twilight: Wow, it's actually really clean in here. Much more so than some other places I know...
Applejack: So Twi, uh... what are we doing here again?
Twilight: The princess didn't have any more tasks for me, Pinkie is nowhere to be found, which is quite unnerving, and I could have swore that this house didn't exist on this block yesterday... so we're investigating.
AJ: Okay, but why?
Twilight: Part of my new "duties", apparently. Investigating any new arrivals, especially if they're from out of nowhere...
AJ: ...Hey, who's that? (Points at Gl1m0.) And what's he... doing?
Gl1m0 (still writing): “...And that's how Equestria was made.” ...wait, what? No it wasn't! (Erasing again.) Ugh, this is harder than it has any right to be...
Twilight: I have no idea, I've never met him... but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's another writer. In the act, it would seem.
Gl1m0 (writing): “...say he's another writer. In the act, it would”—(stops writing) Wait, hang on... Who said that? (Turns around and notices the ponies.) ...Oh. Hey.
AJ: Hey yerself.
Twilight: Uh, who are you? You're, like, the tenth human we've met this month...
Gl1m0: Well, er... I'm TheAuthorGl1m0. Gl1m0, if you wanna shorthand it.
AJ: Uh... who?
Gl1m0: Gee. El. One. Em. Zero. There, got it?
AJ: ...Ah guess?
Twilight: That's not a very conventional name... although, thinking about it, which one of you humans doesn't have an unconventional--
(All of a sudden, the doors slam shut, and a sound of audible locking is heard)
Twilight: Oh, come on!
AJ: Dang it, Pinkie! Where don't you have a house rigged to trap us!?
Pinkie (on TV): If I told you that, then how will I know that you won't try to hide? C'mon, these MSTs are too fun to keep to myself!
Gl1m0: What the—how the hell did you get on my TV screen?!
Pinkie: PBS!
Gl1m0: (deadpan) Of course...
Twilight: Well, Mr... Gee-El-One-Em-Zero... it looks like you're stuck with us.
Gl1m0: Stuck with... what?
Pinkie (on TV): Doing an MST of course! I do 'em with Primey and the other guys all the time; it's so much fun!
Twilight: For a given definition of “fun”...
Gl1m0: Er... so, what does that mean?
Pinkie (on TV): ...really? You don't know what... ugh. (Whispers to Twilight.) He's such a noob. How can he not know? Really.
Gl1m0: ...I can still hear you, you know.
AJ: Ah think that was the idea, sugarcube.
Pinkie (on TV): Anyway, I got a real doozy for you today! It's a story starring both me and Twilight, and it's called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”!
Twilight: Ew, shipping...
Gl1m0: This is gonna suck, isn't it?
AJ: Yep, a whole lot of it. And it ain't from no vacuum.
Gl1m0: Ugh. Fine, let us have it...
Pinkie (on TV): Okie-doki-lokie!
(Unbeknownst to him, the door to his Writing Studio opens up, and two ponies walk inside.)
Twilight: Wow, it's actually really clean in here. Much more so than some other places I know...
Applejack: So Twi, uh... what are we doing here again?
Twilight: The princess didn't have any more tasks for me, Pinkie is nowhere to be found, which is quite unnerving, and I could have swore that this house didn't exist on this block yesterday... so we're investigating.
AJ: Okay, but why?
Twilight: Part of my new "duties", apparently. Investigating any new arrivals, especially if they're from out of nowhere...
AJ: ...Hey, who's that? (Points at Gl1m0.) And what's he... doing?
Gl1m0 (still writing): “...And that's how Equestria was made.” ...wait, what? No it wasn't! (Erasing again.) Ugh, this is harder than it has any right to be...
Twilight: I have no idea, I've never met him... but I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's another writer. In the act, it would seem.
Gl1m0 (writing): “...say he's another writer. In the act, it would”—(stops writing) Wait, hang on... Who said that? (Turns around and notices the ponies.) ...Oh. Hey.
AJ: Hey yerself.
Twilight: Uh, who are you? You're, like, the tenth human we've met this month...
Gl1m0: Well, er... I'm TheAuthorGl1m0. Gl1m0, if you wanna shorthand it.
AJ: Uh... who?
Gl1m0: Gee. El. One. Em. Zero. There, got it?
AJ: ...Ah guess?
Twilight: That's not a very conventional name... although, thinking about it, which one of you humans doesn't have an unconventional--
(All of a sudden, the doors slam shut, and a sound of audible locking is heard)
Twilight: Oh, come on!
AJ: Dang it, Pinkie! Where don't you have a house rigged to trap us!?
Pinkie (on TV): If I told you that, then how will I know that you won't try to hide? C'mon, these MSTs are too fun to keep to myself!
Gl1m0: What the—how the hell did you get on my TV screen?!
Pinkie: PBS!
Gl1m0: (deadpan) Of course...
Twilight: Well, Mr... Gee-El-One-Em-Zero... it looks like you're stuck with us.
Gl1m0: Stuck with... what?
Pinkie (on TV): Doing an MST of course! I do 'em with Primey and the other guys all the time; it's so much fun!
Twilight: For a given definition of “fun”...
Gl1m0: Er... so, what does that mean?
Pinkie (on TV): ...really? You don't know what... ugh. (Whispers to Twilight.) He's such a noob. How can he not know? Really.
Gl1m0: ...I can still hear you, you know.
AJ: Ah think that was the idea, sugarcube.
Pinkie (on TV): Anyway, I got a real doozy for you today! It's a story starring both me and Twilight, and it's called “Twilight and Pinkie's Awkward Date”!
Twilight: Ew, shipping...
Gl1m0: This is gonna suck, isn't it?
AJ: Yep, a whole lot of it. And it ain't from no vacuum.
Gl1m0: Ugh. Fine, let us have it...
Pinkie (on TV): Okie-doki-lokie!
“Cupcakes?
Gl1m0: First word in, and I'm already terrified.
Twilight: You learn to stop feeling it.
Check! Punch? Check! Balloons? Check!
AJ: Readin' a stupid fanfic?
Twi & Gl1m0: Triple check.
A bottle for ‘Spin the bottle’?
Twilight: I can see a ship on the horizon...
Gl1m0: And it's flying a red flag.
Check! Phew! That’s the last thing on the checklist,” said Pinkie Pie as she showed Twilight the agenda.
Gl1m0: “You see? I can math as gooder as you.”
Twilight: But she forgot the index. It's never a proper checklist without an index.
“You see, Pinkie? Twilight said, grinning. "A good checklist makes everything easier."
“I don’t get it, Twilight.”
AJ: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic? I just don't understand.”
Pinkie was slightly confused.
Gl1m0: Speak for yourself.
“Why do I need a checklist. I always know what I need to prepare for a party and I keep that in my head.”
Twilight: And that is possible… how, exactly?
Gl1m0: She’s Pinkie. That’s the best explanation you’ll get.
Twilight: Oh, silly me…
“Um...” Twilight felt embarassed but she managed to make an awkward grin. “Yeah... Memorizing can sometimes work too until you forget something.”
Gl1m0: Tell that to someone who’s ever forgotten a wedding anniversary.
“My parties usually need just several things, Twilight. How could I forget about them?” Pinkie inquired.
“You know,” Twilight said, taking the checklist and crumpling it up.
Twilight: What a perfectly good waste of plot device paper.
AJ: She’d better recycle it!
“Checklists are usually used by well-organized ponies. You don’t need them.”
Twilight: “Flowcharts are more your speed, I think.”
Pinkie frowned and stared at her friend for a while. “Do you say I’m not well-organized?” she asked.
Gl1m0: This story is so in-tense.
Twilight: Er, wouldn’t it technically be the opposite?
Gl1m0: Hence why I put extra stress on the “TENSE”.
“Um... No, no, no. I didn’t say that,”
AJ: “Spike said it! He can throw his voice really well, ya know.”
Twilight wished she could teleport out of Sugar Cube Corner. She thought for a while, facehoofed and then teleported out of the confectionery.
Gl1m0: Yes. Twilight Sparkle, one of the brainiest and most OCD unicorns in Equestria, [Twilight: “Hey—!”] the one who keeps a checklist for literally everything, the one who could memorize flippin’ War and Peace word-for-word… forgot she could teleport. Oh, but it makes perfect sense to simply forget it, even though she only teleports EVERY OTHER DAMN MINUTE.
AJ: So, you’re sayin’ she’s acting out of character?
Gl1m0: …What was your first clue.
Pinkie folded her forelegs on her chest and groaned.
Twilight: “Darn. I had my heart set on those cupcakes.”
Twilight appeared just next to Sugar Cube Corner but she was out of Pinkie’s reach. She sighed and started to trot home. How many times more was she going to embarass herself in social activities.
Gl1m0: How many times more would a question be asked without actually asking a question. How about you guys, do you know.
Twilight: Not many, I hope. Yet why do so many writers forget to add the almighty question mark.
Apparently, advices from the book did not work well in reality.
AJ: Ah’m telling ya, the “advices” from those books are liars.
Gl1m0: Lrn 2 plurl, noob.
She read that a good friend should always be ready to give an adivce to smeone else.
Twilight: …What the heck is an adivce?
Gl1m0: And who the hell is Smeone Else? Is that a new French OC Alicorn I’ve not heard about before? Alright, where’s that gunblade I stowed away…
AJ: Learn to spell, sugarcube…
Either the book was wrong, or the advice was not good.
Gl1m0: Or this story is stupid, and the plot demanded it to be so.
Twilight: A good summary of roughly 90% of all the fanfics I’ve ever read.
Twilight arrived at the library.
AJ: Well, that was shortest walk ever.
Twilight: The story-version me must have been exercising a lot…
She opened the door and...
“How long shall I wait!?” Pinkie shouted at her.
Gl1m0: Oh my, randomly appearing in a place that she should not logically be? I… actually, I think this is the most in-character she’s acted so far in this story.
AJ: Savor the moment, because it ain’t gonna last.
“Gaaah! How? When? What!?” Twilight was so startled that she flinched and fell on the ground.
AJ: Ah hope that poor ground is okay!
Twilight: Its injuries sustained at the scene weren’t pretty, though.
Gl1m0: Sadly, it would later die in a hospital. The ground will be missed by many.
“Twilight! You, you, you insulted me! I’m not that stupid.
Twilight: Ah, note how she says “not that stupid”. So, she’s basically admitting that she’s at least kind of stupid.
Pinkie (on TV): HEY!
How could you do that!?” Pinkie was on the edge of crying. That confused Twilight as Pinkie was rather angry when she left her in Sugar Cube Corner.
Twilight: Wait… no she wasn’t! I mean, she seemed annoyed, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she was angry…
Gl1m0: You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry, so that’s probably a good thing.
The unicorn had always suspected that her friend suffered from a bi-polar disorder she had read about in one book.
Gl1m0: Now that’s… just plain inconsiderate.
Twilight: Do tell.
Gl1m0: I happen to have a couple of friends who are bipolar, and they’re still really great people to know. The fact that this story brings up the subject so abruptly… Well, it’s just a bit disrespectful, I find.
“Well, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I’d just thought I could help you,” Twilight felt awful.
AJ: As you rightly should, missy.
Gl1m0: Being in a horrible fanfic is something that no one should be proud of.
She looked away from Pinkie and took a deep breath.
Gl1m0: Oh no, Spell Nexus is back! The story is now ruined FOREVER.
Twilight: …Uh, who’s--
Gl1m0: Past Sins joke. Don’t ask.
“Oh, Twilight. You never learn, huh?” Pinkie was in normal mood again.
“Y’all not gonna believe!” Applejack shouted as she trotted up to her friends.
Twilight: “Someone dun went an’ gave me a hillbilly ack-cent! Darn tootin’!”
AJ: Wha… Ah do not talk like that!
Gl1m0: (pauses, then bursts out laughing) Hahah, I’m sorry, but hearing Twilight try and speak with that accent is hilarious…
Twilight: Thank… you?
“Big Mac asked Rarity out!”
Gl1m0: (feigning surprise) Oh my! A story that doesn’t pair Big Mac with Fluttershy! How amazingly original!
“What!?” Twilight and Pinkie could not believe and were visibly shocked.
“Yep, he just went to her and did it! Rarity was so shocked she couldn’t say no!” Applejack said excitedly.
Twilight: Funny, I never took Rarity to be such a Yes-Mare.
Gl1m0: Remember kids; it o-kay to say no!
“Oh, that’s... great,” Pinkie let a small grin appear on her face but she quickly saddened.
“Well, that was unexpected,” Twilight said.
AJ: Nopony expected it, after all.
Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH PLOT DEVICE!”
Twilight: Great, now we’re dragging memes into this.
Gl1m0: Kicking and screaming, yo.
Twilight: (facehoofs)
“Y’all don’t seem to be happy ‘bout that,” Applejack remarked.
Twilight: Actually, I don’t mind at all. Nope. Good… for… Rarity. *twitch*
Gl1m0: Somepony’s jealous, isn’t she~? (gets slapped) OW! That hurt!
Twilight: Yes. Yes it did.
Pinkie and Twilight instantly protested
Gl1m0: -for their worker’s rights. Higher wages for all!
and assured her friend that they are happy for Big Mac. Applejack was not so sure about that but she finally shrugged and trotted away.
AJ: “Ah’ll leave them be to their lover’s spats.”
“You look concerned, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Don’t tell me you had a crush on...”
Gl1m0: Pinkie: “Doh, you got me Twi! I totally have the hots for Apple—” (gets slapped again) OW!! That hurt even more!
AJ: Good.
“No, no, no, no ,no!” Pinkie suddenly brisked up.
Twilight: (Pulls out dictionary.) Hmmmm… “Brisked”… Let’s see… NOPE. (Throws dictionary away.) Improper word choice and spelling. That means I must now hate this story.
Gl1m0: You’re only just coming to that conclusion now? (Removes fez, dons a fedora.) I guess that makes me a hater hipster. I was hatin’ before it was cool.
“Twilight, please. Me and Big Mac? I wouldn’t date him even if he was the last stallion in Equestria.”
“Well,” Twilight hesitated if she should continue but after a moment she added: “Maybe you like, you know, Rarity?”
Twilight: Because insinuating that your best friend is a lesbian is the best way to strengthen a friendship. Uh-huh.
Gl1m0: And that’s bullshit. Everyone knows that she’s totally into Rainbow Dash.
Twilight: Cupcakes-wise?
Gl1m0: No! The old-fashioned shippy way! C’mon, The Party Hasn’t Ended is one of my favorite fanfics, okay?
AJ: Isn’t that the same story where Caramel has a gay crush on Big Mac?
Gl1m0: …It’s a minor subplot! I never said I agreed with all of the pairings!
Pinkie jumped as if something stung her.
Gl1m0: Frickin’ bees, man.
AJ: It’s a shame Pinkie’s allergic. She died on the way to the hospital.
“Are you crazy Twilight!? I don’t swing that way!” she shouted at her friend.
Gl1m0: She’s a lefty at hoofball! Come on, how could anyone forget that?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I should really stop talking!” Twilight blushed and nervously closed her eyes. She couldn’t look in Pinkie’s eyes.
Twilight: Pinkie had been taught the Stare by Fluttershy, so I was only taking precautions!
She was ashamed of her behaviour toward her friend this day.
Gl1m0: Indirectly insinuating she was an idiot, directly insinuating that she was gay… Yeah, I can see how you’d been red in the face.
“If you want to know, I’m just jealous,” Pinkie said.
Gl1m0: “That new Hoofstation 4 they got is so math.”
“Well, I hope they make a great couple and so on but...” Pinkie sighed and started to bit her lip.
AJ: It tasted like boysenberry.
Gl1m0: Delicious.
Twilight: With the slightest aftertaste of HORRIBLY TENSE-CONFUSED SENTENCES.
Gl1m0: Ah. That would explain the overall gamey flavor of disappointment.
“What’s that, Pinkie?” Twilight was curious.
“It’s that I haven’t dated anyone since, um, I remember,” Pinkie said and started to sob.
Twilight: This story’s Pinkie sure loves her mood swings…
Gl1m0: Must be her time of the month.
“How’s that even possible?” Twilight couldn’t believe her ears.
AJ: And Ah can’t believe my brain is still followin’ this.
Twilight: I can’t believe I’m still stuck doing these MSTs even though I’m a princess now.
Gl1m0: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
“You party nearly every night. You should have already met somepony you could date!”
“Yeah but I’m always busy with organizing parties and
Gl1m0: “-making my best friends into various baked goods and OH WAIT I MEANT, UH…”
assuring myself that everyone has a good time that I don’t have time to meet anypony,” Pinkie said sadly.
“Oh, Pinkie. You will finally meet somepony at some other occasion.
Twilight: “Maybe you’ll even find one that’s your species!”
Besides, you are not alone. Spike has never dated anyone as well.” Twilight grinned.
“AAAAAH! HOW COULD YOU!?”
Gl1m0: Very easily, actually.
Twilight: I just say it. It’s not hard, you know.
Spike, who overheard the conversation,
AJ: That lil’ varmit! Listening in on conversation like that, the nerve!
Gl1m0: Honestly Twilight, I thought you taught him better.
Twilight: …
shouted from inside of the library. He ran upstairs to his basket and hid under a blanket.
Gl1m0: The soft linen barrier shall protect him from the ensuing shitstorm.
“Do you want to tell me that you have dated somepony?” Pinkie didn’t expect that from Twilight.
Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE—”
AJ: Ya did that already, sugarcube.
Gl1m0: …Seriously? Damn it, I’m already reusing jokes.
“Yes,” Twilight said proudly. “But it was long ago.”
Pinkie gazed blankly at Twilight and then cried loudly.
AJ: Look Twilight, you went and made Pinkie cry!
Twilight: Let her! This isn’t the Pinkie I know, anyway!
Gl1m0: Of course. The Pinkie we know loves to torture us with terrible fanfiction. That’s so much better than a Pinkie with crazy mood swings.
“Um, Pinkie. Please, stop! Please!” Twilight asked Pinkie and then looked around as if looking for some help.
Gl1m0: Unfortunately, the only other one present was Tom. He’s no ladies’ man.
AJ: But Ah’m sure that blade of grass might be willin’ to lend a hoof though.
Gl1m0: Blade of grass? Excellent. I shall call him Bob.
“It’s all my fault! That was not an okay thing to say to you! Stop crying and I will do whatever you want, just stop crying!”
Twilight: Notice that she seems to be neglecting to add an “I’m sorry” in there. I say… let her cry.
Pinkie stopped crying instantly.
Gl1m0: Dem mood swings…
“Everything?” she asked.
Twilight: Um… no, I’m pretty sure I meant “anything”, not everything…
Gl1m0: Error detected. (Slashes TV with a gunblade.) I feel better now.
(A new TV instantly spawns in the old one’s place.)
Gl1m0: …Eh, it was worth a shot.
“Well, yes,” Twilight answered with a smile.
Gl1m0: Twilight, you are — and I love you when I say this — an idiot. You just basically agreed to do whatever Pinkie’s twisted little brain can conjure up. Run a marathon? You’d better pack a water bottle. Build a statue in her honor? Grab that hammer, you’ve got work to do. BDSM sessions? Hope you like ropes. Lick her--
Twilight: OKAY I GET IT SHUT UP!
Gl1m0: My ears...!
“Ok, then date me!” Pinkie said happily.
AJ: Well, that’s one way to come out of the closet.
Gl1m0: And thus the ship leaves drydock. But they forgot to patch the holes.
“Say what!?” Twilight sat on her hindquarters in disbelief.
Twilight: “Pardon me, but after hearing such shocking things I must sit down and take a break.”
“Date me!” Pinkie was till grinning.
Gl1m0: Huh. I didn’t think it was possible to till a farm using grins.
Twilight: It’s Pinkie. To Tartarus with logic.
“But, but, but,
Twilight: The, the, the, commas are too, too, too, numerous!
you said you didn’t swing that way!” Twilight tried to refuse on the proposal.
AJ: “Please do not litter on the proposal. —The Management.”
“Well, yeah but you are an egghead who couldn’t help me find a stallion to date but you can actually date me!”
Gl1m0: It’s a rare thing to see, but I think the logic in that sentence actually imploded midway through. I’m surprised there’s no singularity forming yet.
Pinkie giggled. “This way I won’t be sad that I haven’t dated anypony. Besides, when was the last time you dated somepony?”
AJ: Ya really want to know? Go ahead, Twi. Tell them about the Prom.
Twilight: Y-you promised me you wouldn’t tell anypony!!
AJ: Ah promised not to tell anyPONY. (Gestures at Gl1m0.) He ain’t a pony.
Twilight: ……
Gl1m0: …Um, so what happened at the prom-- (Gets wing-slapped.) --OKAY, NEVER MIND!
“Um, well,” Twilight tried to avoid eye contact with Pinkie.
Gl1m0: Careful; just one look and she'll turn you to stone.
AJ: ...Pinkie ain't a cockatrice.
Gl1m0: I was actually thinking more along the lines of Medusa. With her hair, I'm totally sure Pinkie can pull it off.
Because she couldn’t find
Twilight: -the plot device.
a good answer, she finally gave up. “All right, Pinkie. I’ll date you,” she said resignedly and added nervously: “But nopony can know!”
Pinkie frowned. “Twilight! How could I date somepony who doesn’t want to be seen with me?”
Gl1m0: How couldn't you? Hell, eighty percent of the celebrities in Hollywood do that all the time. It's not, you know, hard or anything.
AJ: Eh... what's a 'hollywood'? Some new tree I've never heard of before?
Gl1m0: Simply put, it's a place where hopes and dreams are sent to die.
“So, maybe date Spike then?”
“Please, he is a baby! And a dragon. A relationship between a pony and a dragon would never work out!” Pinkie said as if it was something obvious.
Twilight: The many hundreds of shipping fic authors out there would strongly disagree with that claim, Pinkie.
“WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?” Spike shouted angrily from inside of the library.
Gl1m0: Okay, HOW can Spike possibly hear them by now? Didn't he "run off upstairs" a few paragraphs ago?
Twilight: The acoustics in the library are actually quite impressive, you know. I think it's not too unreasonable.
Gl1m0: But he hid under a blanket in his bed, and everything! Surely, he couldn't have heard!
AJ: Well, apparently he did. And don't call me Shirley, sugarcube.
“What’s got into him?” Pinkie wondered but quickly forgot about the dragon and asked Twilight again: “So, where do you want to go, Twilight?
“Maybe, let’s go indide?” Twilight suggested uncertainly.
Gl1m0: No, Twilight. I do not want to go in your "dide."
“Oh, silly. We can’t do that on our first date!”
Gl1m0: She was expecting to get to third base already? You're bold, I'll give you that.
Twilight: So in other words, no clopfic.
Pinkie (on TV): Nope, it's totally clean!
AJ: Then why does it make me feel so... dirty?
Pinkie laughed. “Let’s go to the restaurant! I’m gonna pay!”
Twilight: "-for this, of course. Oh, by the way, you're footing the bill."
“Oh, horseapples...” Twilight murmured and followed Pinkie.
Pinkie led Twilight to the restaurant. Both mares sat at a table and waited for the waiter.
Twilight: Such a glorious description. Or rather, the lack of such.
Gl1m0: If this story were any more abrupt, I'd need a seatbelt.
AJ: And an air bag.
“What a lovely place, isn’t it?” Pinkie smiled.
Gl1m0: "You know, even though we have no idea HOW lovely, 'cause the author never bothered to describe it."
“Uh, Pinkie, we eat here quite often,” Twilight said. She was nervous because she hoped that she won’t be forced to do anything that would reveal the fact she was actually dating Pinkie and not just eating dinner with her.
AJ: Lil' did she know, Pinkie had planned a game of Spin the Bottle later on.
Gl1m0: Awkwardness level at 25%...
Unfortunately for Twilight, that fact was revealed very quickly. By Pinkie of course. When the waiter came, he asked what they wanted to eat and then Pinkie exclaimed:
Gl1m0: "Hey, get outta here man! Can't you see I'm trying to get lucky tonight?"
“Something special! This is our first date!” Obviously, many ponies overheard that. Twilight blushed and covered her face with her hooves.
Gl1m0: Awkwardness now at 60%, and climbing...
After the waiter had gone, Twilight whispered to Pinkie: “You didn’t have to say that.”
“Oh, silly! What kind of a first date would that be, if we didn’t do something special?” Pinkie asked rhetorically.
AJ: "Why, with you, it would be the best dang date ever! ...wait, what do you mean that was rhetorical?"
Gl1m0: 75%...
Twilight sighed and began overhearing conversations.
Twilight: No doubt they were complaining about the terrible service.
AJ: With everypony so interested in watching the date, Ah don't think they even showed up for the food.
Gl1m0: "I ordered my hay fries THREE HOURS ago! THREE. HOURS. AGO! ...Oh look, marital conflict!"
She couldn’t hear everything exactly and was under the impression that everypony in the restaurant talk about her and Pinkie.
Gl1m0: So... many... past tense... fuck-ups... HATE...
Twilight: ...I'm not even upset anymore. I just. Don't. Care. Anymore.
“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, please make it stop, make it stop,” Twilight murmured with a muzzle under her hooves.
Gl1m0: 83%...
“Twilie, our date has barely started! Oh, look! The waiter is coming!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Twilight: Super ADD Powers GO!
The waiter brought two plates with a half of a heart made of hay and daffodils on each one.
Gl1m0: Yes, this story is tagged as "Romance". We know. You can stop reminding us every nine seconds now.
Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. “This is not happening.” She groaned.
AJ: At least the story's Twilight is in the same wagon as us... sorta.
Gl1m0: 95%...
“It can’t be any...” The unicorn bite her tongue as she realized that every time somepony says that cliche, something worse actually happens.
AJ: Now that's just absurd. Since when has anything ever gone wrong?
Derpy: I just don't know!
Gl1m0: What the--how did YOU get in here?! ...Wait, a second, where'd she go...
Twilight: That mare moves faster than Rainbow Dash sometimes...
At that moment Rainbow Dash stormed into the reastaurant.
Twilight: I almost read that last word as "beastaurant"... (shudders)
Gl1m0: Aaaaaand, BANG! The awkwardness meter exploded.
“Dinner time!” Rainbow exclaimed.
Gl1m0: No, it's ADVENTURE TIME! (draws gunblade and holds it upward in triumph)
She saw Twilight and Pinkie.
Twilight: With what, a saw? That's rather violent.
Gl1m0: Oh god, a reverse-Cupcakes... with horribly inconsistent past-tense... somebody please kill me.
AJ: Later, sugarcube.
“Hiya, girls!”
“I haven’t finished that sentence!” Twilight yelled.
Gl1m0: And we haven't finished the story. How much is left again?
Twilight: We're well more than halfway through, so that's somewhat comforting...
Everypony looked at her. “Don’t look at me!” she said resignedly and covered her muzzle with her hooves.
Gl1m0: "I'm too ugly! I'M TOO UGLY!"
Rainbow flew up to her friends’ table and what she saw confused her a bit. “Girls? Why are you eating halves of heart?”
Twilight: "Well, why not? The heart is considered a delicacy in many underground societies."
she giggled. “Are you having a date?” Rainbow waited for her friends’ reaction on her joke but instead of nervous denials, she saw Pinkie Pie grinning and Twilight slowly hiding under the table.
“No way!” Rainbow fell on the ground and began rolling on the floor laughing. After a while she bounced back and asked: “No, girls, are you serious?”
Gl1m0: In regards to the story? Hm, what's your response? Twilight? Applejack?
Twilight: About my hatred of the bad word choice, and occasional past-tense/present-tense toss-up? Yes, entirely.
AJ: Ah get the feeling this story tries to be serious... but... Ah just can't take it seriously, ya know what Ah mean?
“Yeah! That’s my first date ever!” Pinkie exclaimed and hugged Twilight over the table.
Gl1m0: She didn't even care that she had to knock over all the stuff that was already on the table, she just went for it.
“Pinkie, please... Ponies are watching,” Twilight whispered.
AJ: "We can do that "S&M" thing you were yapping on about later, okay?"
Rainbow looked around nervously. “Oh, I, I, I didn’t know that you two, you know, um, swing the other way, so, um, I’ll be going now, heh,” Rainbow Dash said as she was slowly going back toward the door. When she was close to it, she abruptly flew out of the door with a panick in her eyes.
Gl1m0: Oh, she'll be kicking herself later on for not asking about the possibility of a threesome. (Gets hit by Twilight.) OW! ...Worth it.
Twilight: It's like you want me to keep hitting you...
“Gah, now everypony will know,” Twilight whined.
“That’s great, isn’t it!”
Gl1m0: "Yes. It's just fan-tucking-fastic."
“Pinkie. That was going to be only one date. Not two, not three! One!” Twilight was getting angry.
“Sure thing! The only date!” Pinkie acknowledged the number.
Twilight: The power of the number is indeed deserving of recognition.
AJ: Ah never cared much for fancy mathmatics, so...
Gl1m0: Inconcievable! NO ONE DISSES THE NUMBER!
“So why do you want everypony to know that we dated! They’ll think we prefer mares! How are we going to find stallions then!?” Twilight started to breathe deeply.
Gl1m0: ...Insert Spell Nexus joke here, even though you ponies won't get it.
Pinkie (on TV): Hey, I get it!
Gl1m0: I didn't ask you!
“Hm... Well, I haven’t thought about it,”
AJ: Said the author when he was asked what the point of this story was.
Pinkie said, “you should have thought about it. You are the smart one in this couple!”
“We are not a couple!” Twilight yelled.
Everypony looked at them again.
Gl1m0: "Ooh, romantic conflict! Screw the food, this is what's for dinner!"
One of the clients said: “Why do you embarass your marefriend in public? You should solve your problems at home.” Other ponies present in the restaurants nodded in agreement. “You should apology to Pinkie no matter if you dump her or not.” Ponies made agreeing noises.
Gl1m0: The Law of Apathy clearly states, that in the event of one individual of a crowd making a statement or suggestion aloud, the rest of the crowd will ALWAYS agree with that suggestion, no matter how stupid or illogical it sounds. No exceptions.
Twilight gnashed her teeths,
Twilight: LEARN TO PLURAL, YOU NOOB!
AJ: Woah, calm down...
Twilight: But these grammatical absurdities incite RAGE in my being...!
Gl1m0: This had better be done soon...
took a deep breath and said softly: “I’m sorry, darling.”
“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie!” Pinkie smiled.
Everypony in the restaurant started to applaud.
Gl1m0: Part 8 of the Law of Apathy states that, in the event of extreme unopportunity, the crowd with nevertheless display their approval at the callous expense of another's dignity. There are simply no exceptions.
Twilight was embarrased as she had never been before.
AJ: Y'know, if that "meter" hadn't of exploded by now... Ah'm sure it would be readin' about 340%.
Twilight: And climbing by the second...
“Please, somepony kill me...”
Gl1m0: Hey, I have to wait for my execution, so you'll just have to deal with waiting too. Tough luck.
she murmured and... began to eat her meal.
“Great date, isn’t it? Pinkie asked after a while.
Twilight: MISSING: Right-side quotation mark. If found, please do not return to its original owner. Donate it to a story that DESERVES it, please.
“Firstly, you didn’t want to go, then everypony stared at us and then applauded. How cool is that?”
“Yeah. Cool,” Twilight answered coldly.
Gl1m0: Heh, I guess you could say she just gave Pinkie... (puts on sunglasses) ...the cold shoulder.
AJ: Uh... yeeeeah?
Gl1m0: ...You disappoint me, Applejack. (throws away glasses) I am so disappoint.
“I’m so happy you enjoy it, Twilight,” Pinkie said calmly.
Twilight: ..........
Gl1m0: Gonna comment on yet another present/past-tense muck-up?
Twilight: Actually, I was just going to say I never would've enjoyed it...
“I always wanted my first date to be fun-tastic! And it is!”
Twilight grinned awkwardly. Well, she was helping her friend after all. She repeated in her mind that she was saving Pinkie from being depressed.
AJ: By pretendin' to be on a real date, even though it's fake. ...Right.
Twilight: Seriously, what is the point of all this?! How can a one-off fling with a friend possibly make her all happy forever after again?
Gl1m0: ...Magic of friendship? Hell, I dunno...
It kept her sane.
“All right. Now tell me what you like in me!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Gl1m0: "Well, if you insist, I'd really like to put my--"
Twillight: EW, FUTA!
Gl1m0: ...special recipe of brownies in your stomach, you know, 'cause they're yummy...
Twilight: ...Oh.
“Say what?” Twilight was actually too tired to look confused. She just look at Pinkie in disbelief.
AJ: Land sake's girl, get outta that disbelief right now! You'll stain yer coat!
“Well, Twilight, you should compliment me. For example, you could say something about my eyes. Or my coat. Or my mane. Do you like my mane?”
“Meh, I like your mane,” Twilight said coldly.
“Oh, you need to put more heart into it!” Pinkie looked leniently at Twilight.
“Gaah, AAAAAAaay looooooooooooove your mane,” Twilight said sarcastically.
Gl1m0: ...Am I the only one who read that as "Gaaaaaaay looooove your mane?"
Twilight: Oh Celestia, the pain...
“Well, A for an effort.” Pinkie smiled and stuffed her mouth with hay.
Gl1m0: And B is for botulism!
AJ: C is a crisis, like this fic.
Twilight: And D is for dead, which is what I want to be RIGHT NOW.
Both friends fnished their meals in silence.
Gl1m0: Little known fact, I love to "fnish" my meals. It's adds a sense of intrigue at knowing I can kill spelling just by jamming food in my craw.
Pinkie smiled happily all the time, while Twilight was visibly angry and was giving murderous looks around.
Twilight: I could commit first degree murder just by glaring at somepony. It's that bad.
“Well, that was great! Now, I should walk you home!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Might I walk you home instead? You live closer to the restaurant,” Twilight asked indifferently. She knew she’s not going to convince Pinkie.
All: THEN WHY DID YOU TRY?!
“No, silly! I asked you out and I gotta walk you home!
Gl1m0: Dating logic is best logic.
Twilight: Still a more conceivable logic that Pinkie Pie.
Let’s go!” Pinkie encouraged her friend to leave the restaurant. After they had went out, Pinke quickly returned to pay the bill.
AJ: Pinke was Pinkie's cousin from Timbucktu. She carries the cash, and Pinkie is the getaway mare.
“That’s my chance!” Twilight thought and galloped away. Unfortunately, Pinkie was already waiting for her hidden behind a wooden crate.
“Where are you going, Twilie? We shall WALK home.” Pinkie giggled.
Twilight: Well then, if we must WALK, then we shall WALK. Not a trot, or canter, or walk, we are going to WALK.
Gl1m0: Also, did she just say "Twilie"? ...This Pinkie is actually Shining Armor in disguise, I'm calling it now.
Twilight sighed. “Okay, let’s get this over with.”
Twilight walked slowly toward her house while Pinkie jumped excitedly around her. At one moment they saw Rarity and Big Mac walking from opposite direction. Big Mac looked like the happiest stallion in Equestria
Gl1m0: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.
while Rarity, well, was horrified. When both ‘couples’ passed each other, Rarity whispered to Twilight: “Help me!”
Twilight: "Hmm... nah."
Gl1m0: Hah, I bet this is retribution for Rarity's Generous Plan.
Twi & AJ: Thanks for reminding us of that story...
Gl1m0: Anytime.
Twilight understood her friend. That day was a real nightmare but it was going to end. She decided she was going to think later about probable gossips but they were not important right now. She could alredy see her house what made her feel relieved.
Gl1m0: "Phew, finally I can use the bathroom!"
When they finally arrived at the door, Twilight took another deep breath and said: “Well, Pinkie. It was the weirdest date ever. I hope you had a good time. And I hope this was our last date.”
AJ: "An' here's my fake phone number, so you'll never be able to call me."
“Okie-dokie!” Pinkie exclaimed. „But there is only one thing left!” Pinkie giggled.
Twilight: Ugh, just look at that. This fic is so shoddily put together, even the quotation marks are falling off.
Gl1m0: Not even duct tape can save it now.
“What now?” Twilight groaned.
“Well. I walked you home, right? Then you we need to kiss each other before I leave! That’s how it usually goes!” Pinkie explained joyfully.
Gl1m0: "Or at least, that's what that article on Reddit said. I can trust those, right?"
“No way! I agreed on the date, I was embarassed in the restaurant and the whole town is gonna gossip about us for weeks! I’m not gonna kiss you!” Twilight shouted in anger.
“Oh, come on, Twilight! You’ve been through so much today! You’re gonna feel better after the kiss!” Pinkie encouraged her friend.
“I said no!”
Gl1m0: Embrace the power of the no!
“Twilie, Twilie! Pleeeeeease! That’s gonna be my first kiss! I think I should kiss someone special!” Pinkie fell on the ground. Her eyes became wet.
Twilight groaned. “For Pinkie,” she thought and said aloud: “One short kiss. And nopony can know.”
“Sure thing!”
Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward.
AJ: And then fell on her face. Laughs were had by all.
Gl1m0: She should have watched out for that banana peel Pinkie slipped under her hoof moments ago.
She felt disgust. She was not into mares at all.
Twilight: The fact that you were on a date, and are now about KISS her notwithstanding, of course.
But she was not too assertive as well and now she was about to kiss Pinkie.
She felt even more disgust as she touched Pinkie’s mouth.
Gl1m0: With what? Vague fic is vague...
Twilight: For my sake, I hope it's not with anything other than a hoof...
These few seconds seemed to last forever.
Gl1m0: The slowest and most undescriptive kiss in fanfic history. That's rather impressive.
AJ: Eh, Ah've seen worse...
Gl1m0: Oh, do tell.
AJ: Later.
“Gotcha!” Pinkie shouted and began laughing.
“What!?” Twilight opened her eyes. She was touching Pinkie’s elbow with her muzzle. “Pinkie!?”
Twilight: "You little TEASE! You can forget about movie night!"
Pinkie laughed hysterically. “I can’t believe, Twilight! You’re so naive! You really thought I was dating you for real!?” Pinkie giggled. “You are such a crack-up! I had a great time! That was like my est joke ever!
Gl1m0: The estest joke in a long line of est jokes.
Well, see you later” Pinkie trotted away laughing.
Twilight stood in place for a longer while. She couldn’t think of anything.
“T’was a... j-j-joke?”
All: Princess Luna?!
she stuttered and after a few seconds, she went into her house. “Gotta read something before I freak out...” she thought and opened the first book in sight.
Gl1m0: 'How to Properly Apply Brain Bleach'...
Twilight: An international best seller!
THE END
Gl1m0: Finally! Now, can we please get the hell out of here--
AJ: Hold up sugarcube, it looks like there’s still more…
Gl1m0: What?! …Ugh. This story lies to me.
Twilight: It’s nothing but lies.
Later at Sugar Cube Corner.
Twilight: Yes, but how much later? An hour? A day? A week?! Ugh, why is this story so insistent on withholding so much information?!
Gl1m0: That happens to be considered a crime in many circles.
“Pinkie, we need to talk,” Mr. Cake said grimly.
AJ: "There's been a huge smell coming from the basement... You wouldn't known anything about that, would you?"
“What’s up, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked with a grin.
Gl1m0: The ceiling, of course! ...I'm sorry, but I had to.
Twilight: (facehoofs)
“Well... Our sales went down recently and, um, how to put it delicate...
Twilight: "I had to sell your hacksaw collection. I know they meant a lot to you, but those things make a killing on the black market."
We need to fire you, Pinkie,” he said.
Twilight: Out of a cannon, that is.
Gl1m0: To the moon.
“Oh, silly. You can’t do that!” Pinkie giggled.
“What? I’m the owner!” Mr. Cake frowned.
Gl1m0: And she's Pinkie Pie. Your status has been overruled, buddy.
“Yeah! But, you know, I’m into mares! Everybody’s seen that!
Twilight: ...Um, no you're not. I don't care that anyone saw what they saw, but you ADMITTED it was a joke. And it was a bad one, at that.
Gl1m0: Wait a second... this was Pinkie's plan all along! She'd fake a date, make it seem like she was gay, and then abuse that status to gain benefits!
Twilight: That... is one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard.
Gl1m0: And the sad thing is, some people actually get away with this...
If you fire me, that will mean that you discriminate against me! You know what I mean?” Pinkie said jumping excitedly around Mr. Cake.
Gl1m0: Oh, I do. Apparently, Pinkie is best troll.
AJ & Twi: Agreed...
Pinkie (on TV): D'aww, I love you guys too!
"Um, You are ggoing to sue me, if I fire you?" he asked uncertainly.
Twilight: Of course not. She's just going to be very, very disappointed in you.
"Exactly!" Pinkie exclaimed and giggled.
“Oh, horseapples...” Mr. Cake said and closed his eyes.
Gl1m0: This story is full of bull. The Cakes can't just fire Pinkie. One does not simply… wait, is it over now?
Twilight: It… yeah, it’s done.
Gl1m0: Oh, thank god…
AJ: Hey, it could’ve been a heck of a lot worse.
Twilight: That’s true… Actually, this story was pretty… tame. A bit stupid, but still, at least it kind of tries to be a story.
Gl1m0: Yeah, but it just happened to end up being a sucky story. Nrgh… mediocrity… it burns…
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, I thought I’d go easy on you this time, y’know, ‘cuz you’re a noob and all.
Gl1m0: ……
Twilight: Don’t take it too personally. You did do pretty good for a first-timer, though.
Gl1m0: I… thanks, I suppose? I’m not sure if being told I’m capable of being a snarky asshole is something to be proud of, though…
(All of the windows and doors unlock and open, much to the trio’s delight.)
Pinkie Pie (on TV): I suppose I better let you guys out now, but let’s do it again--
(Twilight runs out the door before Pinkie can finish.)
Pinkie Pie (on TV): —sometime! Hey, where did Twilight go? …Aw, darn it! I was gonna give her a hint on what the next story I would show her would be!
AJ: (deadpan) Well, gee. That’s terrible. Darn shame, that is. Ah’m sure she’s missing out.
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Mmm… Oh well, it’ll be more fun as a surprise! Heeheehee!
AJ: Well, Ah’m outta here. Ah need to lie down when I get home…
(Applejack leaves the house, but leaves the door wide open.)
Gl1m0: Hey, you forgot to close the door! Applejack! Apple—ugh. She left. Rude…
Pinkie Pie (on TV): That was fun! We should do it again sometime, huh?
Gl1m0: I’d really rather not… but, I still can’t understand how you managed to rig MY STUDIO to become basically a prison, without me even noticing.
Pinkie Pie (on TV): There’s a lot of things you don’t understand about the world, Glowy…
Gl1m0: Uhh… “Glowy”? How did you--
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, see ya next time Glowy!
Gl1m0: Hang on a second, Pinkie, you aren’t going to--
(Pinkie pushes a button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Gl1m0: —be doing this again… aren’t… you… Ah, dammit…
*Riiiing… Riiiing… Riiiing…*
Gl1m0: Hmm…? My cell phone? (Pulls a phone out of his pocket, and answers it.) Hello?
?????: Heeeey, Glowy! Wassup man? How did that thing with Pinkie go?
Gl1m0: How did you know about—you know what? Never mind. When’s the next time the CRF is coming around this area?
?????: Eh, about another day or so. Why you ask?
Gl1m0: Listen, I’m not quite sure how, but… I think Pinkie knows. When you bring it over here, I want you to… (Trails off into a whispering.)
Gl1m0: First word in, and I'm already terrified.
Twilight: You learn to stop feeling it.
Check! Punch? Check! Balloons? Check!
AJ: Readin' a stupid fanfic?
Twi & Gl1m0: Triple check.
A bottle for ‘Spin the bottle’?
Twilight: I can see a ship on the horizon...
Gl1m0: And it's flying a red flag.
Check! Phew! That’s the last thing on the checklist,” said Pinkie Pie as she showed Twilight the agenda.
Gl1m0: “You see? I can math as gooder as you.”
Twilight: But she forgot the index. It's never a proper checklist without an index.
“You see, Pinkie? Twilight said, grinning. "A good checklist makes everything easier."
“I don’t get it, Twilight.”
AJ: “Why do we have to be in a bad fanfic? I just don't understand.”
Pinkie was slightly confused.
Gl1m0: Speak for yourself.
“Why do I need a checklist. I always know what I need to prepare for a party and I keep that in my head.”
Twilight: And that is possible… how, exactly?
Gl1m0: She’s Pinkie. That’s the best explanation you’ll get.
Twilight: Oh, silly me…
“Um...” Twilight felt embarassed but she managed to make an awkward grin. “Yeah... Memorizing can sometimes work too until you forget something.”
Gl1m0: Tell that to someone who’s ever forgotten a wedding anniversary.
“My parties usually need just several things, Twilight. How could I forget about them?” Pinkie inquired.
“You know,” Twilight said, taking the checklist and crumpling it up.
Twilight: What a perfectly good waste of plot device paper.
AJ: She’d better recycle it!
“Checklists are usually used by well-organized ponies. You don’t need them.”
Twilight: “Flowcharts are more your speed, I think.”
Pinkie frowned and stared at her friend for a while. “Do you say I’m not well-organized?” she asked.
Gl1m0: This story is so in-tense.
Twilight: Er, wouldn’t it technically be the opposite?
Gl1m0: Hence why I put extra stress on the “TENSE”.
“Um... No, no, no. I didn’t say that,”
AJ: “Spike said it! He can throw his voice really well, ya know.”
Twilight wished she could teleport out of Sugar Cube Corner. She thought for a while, facehoofed and then teleported out of the confectionery.
Gl1m0: Yes. Twilight Sparkle, one of the brainiest and most OCD unicorns in Equestria, [Twilight: “Hey—!”] the one who keeps a checklist for literally everything, the one who could memorize flippin’ War and Peace word-for-word… forgot she could teleport. Oh, but it makes perfect sense to simply forget it, even though she only teleports EVERY OTHER DAMN MINUTE.
AJ: So, you’re sayin’ she’s acting out of character?
Gl1m0: …What was your first clue.
Pinkie folded her forelegs on her chest and groaned.
Twilight: “Darn. I had my heart set on those cupcakes.”
Twilight appeared just next to Sugar Cube Corner but she was out of Pinkie’s reach. She sighed and started to trot home. How many times more was she going to embarass herself in social activities.
Gl1m0: How many times more would a question be asked without actually asking a question. How about you guys, do you know.
Twilight: Not many, I hope. Yet why do so many writers forget to add the almighty question mark.
Apparently, advices from the book did not work well in reality.
AJ: Ah’m telling ya, the “advices” from those books are liars.
Gl1m0: Lrn 2 plurl, noob.
She read that a good friend should always be ready to give an adivce to smeone else.
Twilight: …What the heck is an adivce?
Gl1m0: And who the hell is Smeone Else? Is that a new French OC Alicorn I’ve not heard about before? Alright, where’s that gunblade I stowed away…
AJ: Learn to spell, sugarcube…
Either the book was wrong, or the advice was not good.
Gl1m0: Or this story is stupid, and the plot demanded it to be so.
Twilight: A good summary of roughly 90% of all the fanfics I’ve ever read.
Twilight arrived at the library.
AJ: Well, that was shortest walk ever.
Twilight: The story-version me must have been exercising a lot…
She opened the door and...
“How long shall I wait!?” Pinkie shouted at her.
Gl1m0: Oh my, randomly appearing in a place that she should not logically be? I… actually, I think this is the most in-character she’s acted so far in this story.
AJ: Savor the moment, because it ain’t gonna last.
“Gaaah! How? When? What!?” Twilight was so startled that she flinched and fell on the ground.
AJ: Ah hope that poor ground is okay!
Twilight: Its injuries sustained at the scene weren’t pretty, though.
Gl1m0: Sadly, it would later die in a hospital. The ground will be missed by many.
“Twilight! You, you, you insulted me! I’m not that stupid.
Twilight: Ah, note how she says “not that stupid”. So, she’s basically admitting that she’s at least kind of stupid.
Pinkie (on TV): HEY!
How could you do that!?” Pinkie was on the edge of crying. That confused Twilight as Pinkie was rather angry when she left her in Sugar Cube Corner.
Twilight: Wait… no she wasn’t! I mean, she seemed annoyed, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say she was angry…
Gl1m0: You wouldn’t like her when she’s angry, so that’s probably a good thing.
The unicorn had always suspected that her friend suffered from a bi-polar disorder she had read about in one book.
Gl1m0: Now that’s… just plain inconsiderate.
Twilight: Do tell.
Gl1m0: I happen to have a couple of friends who are bipolar, and they’re still really great people to know. The fact that this story brings up the subject so abruptly… Well, it’s just a bit disrespectful, I find.
“Well, I’m sorry, Pinkie. I’d just thought I could help you,” Twilight felt awful.
AJ: As you rightly should, missy.
Gl1m0: Being in a horrible fanfic is something that no one should be proud of.
She looked away from Pinkie and took a deep breath.
Gl1m0: Oh no, Spell Nexus is back! The story is now ruined FOREVER.
Twilight: …Uh, who’s--
Gl1m0: Past Sins joke. Don’t ask.
“Oh, Twilight. You never learn, huh?” Pinkie was in normal mood again.
“Y’all not gonna believe!” Applejack shouted as she trotted up to her friends.
Twilight: “Someone dun went an’ gave me a hillbilly ack-cent! Darn tootin’!”
AJ: Wha… Ah do not talk like that!
Gl1m0: (pauses, then bursts out laughing) Hahah, I’m sorry, but hearing Twilight try and speak with that accent is hilarious…
Twilight: Thank… you?
“Big Mac asked Rarity out!”
Gl1m0: (feigning surprise) Oh my! A story that doesn’t pair Big Mac with Fluttershy! How amazingly original!
“What!?” Twilight and Pinkie could not believe and were visibly shocked.
“Yep, he just went to her and did it! Rarity was so shocked she couldn’t say no!” Applejack said excitedly.
Twilight: Funny, I never took Rarity to be such a Yes-Mare.
Gl1m0: Remember kids; it o-kay to say no!
“Oh, that’s... great,” Pinkie let a small grin appear on her face but she quickly saddened.
“Well, that was unexpected,” Twilight said.
AJ: Nopony expected it, after all.
Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH PLOT DEVICE!”
Twilight: Great, now we’re dragging memes into this.
Gl1m0: Kicking and screaming, yo.
Twilight: (facehoofs)
“Y’all don’t seem to be happy ‘bout that,” Applejack remarked.
Twilight: Actually, I don’t mind at all. Nope. Good… for… Rarity. *twitch*
Gl1m0: Somepony’s jealous, isn’t she~? (gets slapped) OW! That hurt!
Twilight: Yes. Yes it did.
Pinkie and Twilight instantly protested
Gl1m0: -for their worker’s rights. Higher wages for all!
and assured her friend that they are happy for Big Mac. Applejack was not so sure about that but she finally shrugged and trotted away.
AJ: “Ah’ll leave them be to their lover’s spats.”
“You look concerned, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “Don’t tell me you had a crush on...”
Gl1m0: Pinkie: “Doh, you got me Twi! I totally have the hots for Apple—” (gets slapped again) OW!! That hurt even more!
AJ: Good.
“No, no, no, no ,no!” Pinkie suddenly brisked up.
Twilight: (Pulls out dictionary.) Hmmmm… “Brisked”… Let’s see… NOPE. (Throws dictionary away.) Improper word choice and spelling. That means I must now hate this story.
Gl1m0: You’re only just coming to that conclusion now? (Removes fez, dons a fedora.) I guess that makes me a hater hipster. I was hatin’ before it was cool.
“Twilight, please. Me and Big Mac? I wouldn’t date him even if he was the last stallion in Equestria.”
“Well,” Twilight hesitated if she should continue but after a moment she added: “Maybe you like, you know, Rarity?”
Twilight: Because insinuating that your best friend is a lesbian is the best way to strengthen a friendship. Uh-huh.
Gl1m0: And that’s bullshit. Everyone knows that she’s totally into Rainbow Dash.
Twilight: Cupcakes-wise?
Gl1m0: No! The old-fashioned shippy way! C’mon, The Party Hasn’t Ended is one of my favorite fanfics, okay?
AJ: Isn’t that the same story where Caramel has a gay crush on Big Mac?
Gl1m0: …It’s a minor subplot! I never said I agreed with all of the pairings!
Pinkie jumped as if something stung her.
Gl1m0: Frickin’ bees, man.
AJ: It’s a shame Pinkie’s allergic. She died on the way to the hospital.
“Are you crazy Twilight!? I don’t swing that way!” she shouted at her friend.
Gl1m0: She’s a lefty at hoofball! Come on, how could anyone forget that?
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I should really stop talking!” Twilight blushed and nervously closed her eyes. She couldn’t look in Pinkie’s eyes.
Twilight: Pinkie had been taught the Stare by Fluttershy, so I was only taking precautions!
She was ashamed of her behaviour toward her friend this day.
Gl1m0: Indirectly insinuating she was an idiot, directly insinuating that she was gay… Yeah, I can see how you’d been red in the face.
“If you want to know, I’m just jealous,” Pinkie said.
Gl1m0: “That new Hoofstation 4 they got is so math.”
“Well, I hope they make a great couple and so on but...” Pinkie sighed and started to bit her lip.
AJ: It tasted like boysenberry.
Gl1m0: Delicious.
Twilight: With the slightest aftertaste of HORRIBLY TENSE-CONFUSED SENTENCES.
Gl1m0: Ah. That would explain the overall gamey flavor of disappointment.
“What’s that, Pinkie?” Twilight was curious.
“It’s that I haven’t dated anyone since, um, I remember,” Pinkie said and started to sob.
Twilight: This story’s Pinkie sure loves her mood swings…
Gl1m0: Must be her time of the month.
“How’s that even possible?” Twilight couldn’t believe her ears.
AJ: And Ah can’t believe my brain is still followin’ this.
Twilight: I can’t believe I’m still stuck doing these MSTs even though I’m a princess now.
Gl1m0: I can’t believe it’s not butter!
“You party nearly every night. You should have already met somepony you could date!”
“Yeah but I’m always busy with organizing parties and
Gl1m0: “-making my best friends into various baked goods and OH WAIT I MEANT, UH…”
assuring myself that everyone has a good time that I don’t have time to meet anypony,” Pinkie said sadly.
“Oh, Pinkie. You will finally meet somepony at some other occasion.
Twilight: “Maybe you’ll even find one that’s your species!”
Besides, you are not alone. Spike has never dated anyone as well.” Twilight grinned.
“AAAAAH! HOW COULD YOU!?”
Gl1m0: Very easily, actually.
Twilight: I just say it. It’s not hard, you know.
Spike, who overheard the conversation,
AJ: That lil’ varmit! Listening in on conversation like that, the nerve!
Gl1m0: Honestly Twilight, I thought you taught him better.
Twilight: …
shouted from inside of the library. He ran upstairs to his basket and hid under a blanket.
Gl1m0: The soft linen barrier shall protect him from the ensuing shitstorm.
“Do you want to tell me that you have dated somepony?” Pinkie didn’t expect that from Twilight.
Gl1m0: “NOBODY EXPECTS THE—”
AJ: Ya did that already, sugarcube.
Gl1m0: …Seriously? Damn it, I’m already reusing jokes.
“Yes,” Twilight said proudly. “But it was long ago.”
Pinkie gazed blankly at Twilight and then cried loudly.
AJ: Look Twilight, you went and made Pinkie cry!
Twilight: Let her! This isn’t the Pinkie I know, anyway!
Gl1m0: Of course. The Pinkie we know loves to torture us with terrible fanfiction. That’s so much better than a Pinkie with crazy mood swings.
“Um, Pinkie. Please, stop! Please!” Twilight asked Pinkie and then looked around as if looking for some help.
Gl1m0: Unfortunately, the only other one present was Tom. He’s no ladies’ man.
AJ: But Ah’m sure that blade of grass might be willin’ to lend a hoof though.
Gl1m0: Blade of grass? Excellent. I shall call him Bob.
“It’s all my fault! That was not an okay thing to say to you! Stop crying and I will do whatever you want, just stop crying!”
Twilight: Notice that she seems to be neglecting to add an “I’m sorry” in there. I say… let her cry.
Pinkie stopped crying instantly.
Gl1m0: Dem mood swings…
“Everything?” she asked.
Twilight: Um… no, I’m pretty sure I meant “anything”, not everything…
Gl1m0: Error detected. (Slashes TV with a gunblade.) I feel better now.
(A new TV instantly spawns in the old one’s place.)
Gl1m0: …Eh, it was worth a shot.
“Well, yes,” Twilight answered with a smile.
Gl1m0: Twilight, you are — and I love you when I say this — an idiot. You just basically agreed to do whatever Pinkie’s twisted little brain can conjure up. Run a marathon? You’d better pack a water bottle. Build a statue in her honor? Grab that hammer, you’ve got work to do. BDSM sessions? Hope you like ropes. Lick her--
Twilight: OKAY I GET IT SHUT UP!
Gl1m0: My ears...!
“Ok, then date me!” Pinkie said happily.
AJ: Well, that’s one way to come out of the closet.
Gl1m0: And thus the ship leaves drydock. But they forgot to patch the holes.
“Say what!?” Twilight sat on her hindquarters in disbelief.
Twilight: “Pardon me, but after hearing such shocking things I must sit down and take a break.”
“Date me!” Pinkie was till grinning.
Gl1m0: Huh. I didn’t think it was possible to till a farm using grins.
Twilight: It’s Pinkie. To Tartarus with logic.
“But, but, but,
Twilight: The, the, the, commas are too, too, too, numerous!
you said you didn’t swing that way!” Twilight tried to refuse on the proposal.
AJ: “Please do not litter on the proposal. —The Management.”
“Well, yeah but you are an egghead who couldn’t help me find a stallion to date but you can actually date me!”
Gl1m0: It’s a rare thing to see, but I think the logic in that sentence actually imploded midway through. I’m surprised there’s no singularity forming yet.
Pinkie giggled. “This way I won’t be sad that I haven’t dated anypony. Besides, when was the last time you dated somepony?”
AJ: Ya really want to know? Go ahead, Twi. Tell them about the Prom.
Twilight: Y-you promised me you wouldn’t tell anypony!!
AJ: Ah promised not to tell anyPONY. (Gestures at Gl1m0.) He ain’t a pony.
Twilight: ……
Gl1m0: …Um, so what happened at the prom-- (Gets wing-slapped.) --OKAY, NEVER MIND!
“Um, well,” Twilight tried to avoid eye contact with Pinkie.
Gl1m0: Careful; just one look and she'll turn you to stone.
AJ: ...Pinkie ain't a cockatrice.
Gl1m0: I was actually thinking more along the lines of Medusa. With her hair, I'm totally sure Pinkie can pull it off.
Because she couldn’t find
Twilight: -the plot device.
a good answer, she finally gave up. “All right, Pinkie. I’ll date you,” she said resignedly and added nervously: “But nopony can know!”
Pinkie frowned. “Twilight! How could I date somepony who doesn’t want to be seen with me?”
Gl1m0: How couldn't you? Hell, eighty percent of the celebrities in Hollywood do that all the time. It's not, you know, hard or anything.
AJ: Eh... what's a 'hollywood'? Some new tree I've never heard of before?
Gl1m0: Simply put, it's a place where hopes and dreams are sent to die.
“So, maybe date Spike then?”
“Please, he is a baby! And a dragon. A relationship between a pony and a dragon would never work out!” Pinkie said as if it was something obvious.
Twilight: The many hundreds of shipping fic authors out there would strongly disagree with that claim, Pinkie.
“WHAT DO YOU KNOW!?” Spike shouted angrily from inside of the library.
Gl1m0: Okay, HOW can Spike possibly hear them by now? Didn't he "run off upstairs" a few paragraphs ago?
Twilight: The acoustics in the library are actually quite impressive, you know. I think it's not too unreasonable.
Gl1m0: But he hid under a blanket in his bed, and everything! Surely, he couldn't have heard!
AJ: Well, apparently he did. And don't call me Shirley, sugarcube.
“What’s got into him?” Pinkie wondered but quickly forgot about the dragon and asked Twilight again: “So, where do you want to go, Twilight?
“Maybe, let’s go indide?” Twilight suggested uncertainly.
Gl1m0: No, Twilight. I do not want to go in your "dide."
“Oh, silly. We can’t do that on our first date!”
Gl1m0: She was expecting to get to third base already? You're bold, I'll give you that.
Twilight: So in other words, no clopfic.
Pinkie (on TV): Nope, it's totally clean!
AJ: Then why does it make me feel so... dirty?
Pinkie laughed. “Let’s go to the restaurant! I’m gonna pay!”
Twilight: "-for this, of course. Oh, by the way, you're footing the bill."
“Oh, horseapples...” Twilight murmured and followed Pinkie.
Pinkie led Twilight to the restaurant. Both mares sat at a table and waited for the waiter.
Twilight: Such a glorious description. Or rather, the lack of such.
Gl1m0: If this story were any more abrupt, I'd need a seatbelt.
AJ: And an air bag.
“What a lovely place, isn’t it?” Pinkie smiled.
Gl1m0: "You know, even though we have no idea HOW lovely, 'cause the author never bothered to describe it."
“Uh, Pinkie, we eat here quite often,” Twilight said. She was nervous because she hoped that she won’t be forced to do anything that would reveal the fact she was actually dating Pinkie and not just eating dinner with her.
AJ: Lil' did she know, Pinkie had planned a game of Spin the Bottle later on.
Gl1m0: Awkwardness level at 25%...
Unfortunately for Twilight, that fact was revealed very quickly. By Pinkie of course. When the waiter came, he asked what they wanted to eat and then Pinkie exclaimed:
Gl1m0: "Hey, get outta here man! Can't you see I'm trying to get lucky tonight?"
“Something special! This is our first date!” Obviously, many ponies overheard that. Twilight blushed and covered her face with her hooves.
Gl1m0: Awkwardness now at 60%, and climbing...
After the waiter had gone, Twilight whispered to Pinkie: “You didn’t have to say that.”
“Oh, silly! What kind of a first date would that be, if we didn’t do something special?” Pinkie asked rhetorically.
AJ: "Why, with you, it would be the best dang date ever! ...wait, what do you mean that was rhetorical?"
Gl1m0: 75%...
Twilight sighed and began overhearing conversations.
Twilight: No doubt they were complaining about the terrible service.
AJ: With everypony so interested in watching the date, Ah don't think they even showed up for the food.
Gl1m0: "I ordered my hay fries THREE HOURS ago! THREE. HOURS. AGO! ...Oh look, marital conflict!"
She couldn’t hear everything exactly and was under the impression that everypony in the restaurant talk about her and Pinkie.
Gl1m0: So... many... past tense... fuck-ups... HATE...
Twilight: ...I'm not even upset anymore. I just. Don't. Care. Anymore.
“Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, please make it stop, make it stop,” Twilight murmured with a muzzle under her hooves.
Gl1m0: 83%...
“Twilie, our date has barely started! Oh, look! The waiter is coming!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Twilight: Super ADD Powers GO!
The waiter brought two plates with a half of a heart made of hay and daffodils on each one.
Gl1m0: Yes, this story is tagged as "Romance". We know. You can stop reminding us every nine seconds now.
Twilight rolled her eyes and facehoofed. “This is not happening.” She groaned.
AJ: At least the story's Twilight is in the same wagon as us... sorta.
Gl1m0: 95%...
“It can’t be any...” The unicorn bite her tongue as she realized that every time somepony says that cliche, something worse actually happens.
AJ: Now that's just absurd. Since when has anything ever gone wrong?
Derpy: I just don't know!
Gl1m0: What the--how did YOU get in here?! ...Wait, a second, where'd she go...
Twilight: That mare moves faster than Rainbow Dash sometimes...
At that moment Rainbow Dash stormed into the reastaurant.
Twilight: I almost read that last word as "beastaurant"... (shudders)
Gl1m0: Aaaaaand, BANG! The awkwardness meter exploded.
“Dinner time!” Rainbow exclaimed.
Gl1m0: No, it's ADVENTURE TIME! (draws gunblade and holds it upward in triumph)
She saw Twilight and Pinkie.
Twilight: With what, a saw? That's rather violent.
Gl1m0: Oh god, a reverse-Cupcakes... with horribly inconsistent past-tense... somebody please kill me.
AJ: Later, sugarcube.
“Hiya, girls!”
“I haven’t finished that sentence!” Twilight yelled.
Gl1m0: And we haven't finished the story. How much is left again?
Twilight: We're well more than halfway through, so that's somewhat comforting...
Everypony looked at her. “Don’t look at me!” she said resignedly and covered her muzzle with her hooves.
Gl1m0: "I'm too ugly! I'M TOO UGLY!"
Rainbow flew up to her friends’ table and what she saw confused her a bit. “Girls? Why are you eating halves of heart?”
Twilight: "Well, why not? The heart is considered a delicacy in many underground societies."
she giggled. “Are you having a date?” Rainbow waited for her friends’ reaction on her joke but instead of nervous denials, she saw Pinkie Pie grinning and Twilight slowly hiding under the table.
“No way!” Rainbow fell on the ground and began rolling on the floor laughing. After a while she bounced back and asked: “No, girls, are you serious?”
Gl1m0: In regards to the story? Hm, what's your response? Twilight? Applejack?
Twilight: About my hatred of the bad word choice, and occasional past-tense/present-tense toss-up? Yes, entirely.
AJ: Ah get the feeling this story tries to be serious... but... Ah just can't take it seriously, ya know what Ah mean?
“Yeah! That’s my first date ever!” Pinkie exclaimed and hugged Twilight over the table.
Gl1m0: She didn't even care that she had to knock over all the stuff that was already on the table, she just went for it.
“Pinkie, please... Ponies are watching,” Twilight whispered.
AJ: "We can do that "S&M" thing you were yapping on about later, okay?"
Rainbow looked around nervously. “Oh, I, I, I didn’t know that you two, you know, um, swing the other way, so, um, I’ll be going now, heh,” Rainbow Dash said as she was slowly going back toward the door. When she was close to it, she abruptly flew out of the door with a panick in her eyes.
Gl1m0: Oh, she'll be kicking herself later on for not asking about the possibility of a threesome. (Gets hit by Twilight.) OW! ...Worth it.
Twilight: It's like you want me to keep hitting you...
“Gah, now everypony will know,” Twilight whined.
“That’s great, isn’t it!”
Gl1m0: "Yes. It's just fan-tucking-fastic."
“Pinkie. That was going to be only one date. Not two, not three! One!” Twilight was getting angry.
“Sure thing! The only date!” Pinkie acknowledged the number.
Twilight: The power of the number is indeed deserving of recognition.
AJ: Ah never cared much for fancy mathmatics, so...
Gl1m0: Inconcievable! NO ONE DISSES THE NUMBER!
“So why do you want everypony to know that we dated! They’ll think we prefer mares! How are we going to find stallions then!?” Twilight started to breathe deeply.
Gl1m0: ...Insert Spell Nexus joke here, even though you ponies won't get it.
Pinkie (on TV): Hey, I get it!
Gl1m0: I didn't ask you!
“Hm... Well, I haven’t thought about it,”
AJ: Said the author when he was asked what the point of this story was.
Pinkie said, “you should have thought about it. You are the smart one in this couple!”
“We are not a couple!” Twilight yelled.
Everypony looked at them again.
Gl1m0: "Ooh, romantic conflict! Screw the food, this is what's for dinner!"
One of the clients said: “Why do you embarass your marefriend in public? You should solve your problems at home.” Other ponies present in the restaurants nodded in agreement. “You should apology to Pinkie no matter if you dump her or not.” Ponies made agreeing noises.
Gl1m0: The Law of Apathy clearly states, that in the event of one individual of a crowd making a statement or suggestion aloud, the rest of the crowd will ALWAYS agree with that suggestion, no matter how stupid or illogical it sounds. No exceptions.
Twilight gnashed her teeths,
Twilight: LEARN TO PLURAL, YOU NOOB!
AJ: Woah, calm down...
Twilight: But these grammatical absurdities incite RAGE in my being...!
Gl1m0: This had better be done soon...
took a deep breath and said softly: “I’m sorry, darling.”
“Oh, that’s nothing, sweetie!” Pinkie smiled.
Everypony in the restaurant started to applaud.
Gl1m0: Part 8 of the Law of Apathy states that, in the event of extreme unopportunity, the crowd with nevertheless display their approval at the callous expense of another's dignity. There are simply no exceptions.
Twilight was embarrased as she had never been before.
AJ: Y'know, if that "meter" hadn't of exploded by now... Ah'm sure it would be readin' about 340%.
Twilight: And climbing by the second...
“Please, somepony kill me...”
Gl1m0: Hey, I have to wait for my execution, so you'll just have to deal with waiting too. Tough luck.
she murmured and... began to eat her meal.
“Great date, isn’t it? Pinkie asked after a while.
Twilight: MISSING: Right-side quotation mark. If found, please do not return to its original owner. Donate it to a story that DESERVES it, please.
“Firstly, you didn’t want to go, then everypony stared at us and then applauded. How cool is that?”
“Yeah. Cool,” Twilight answered coldly.
Gl1m0: Heh, I guess you could say she just gave Pinkie... (puts on sunglasses) ...the cold shoulder.
AJ: Uh... yeeeeah?
Gl1m0: ...You disappoint me, Applejack. (throws away glasses) I am so disappoint.
“I’m so happy you enjoy it, Twilight,” Pinkie said calmly.
Twilight: ..........
Gl1m0: Gonna comment on yet another present/past-tense muck-up?
Twilight: Actually, I was just going to say I never would've enjoyed it...
“I always wanted my first date to be fun-tastic! And it is!”
Twilight grinned awkwardly. Well, she was helping her friend after all. She repeated in her mind that she was saving Pinkie from being depressed.
AJ: By pretendin' to be on a real date, even though it's fake. ...Right.
Twilight: Seriously, what is the point of all this?! How can a one-off fling with a friend possibly make her all happy forever after again?
Gl1m0: ...Magic of friendship? Hell, I dunno...
It kept her sane.
“All right. Now tell me what you like in me!” Pinkie exclaimed.
Gl1m0: "Well, if you insist, I'd really like to put my--"
Twillight: EW, FUTA!
Gl1m0: ...special recipe of brownies in your stomach, you know, 'cause they're yummy...
Twilight: ...Oh.
“Say what?” Twilight was actually too tired to look confused. She just look at Pinkie in disbelief.
AJ: Land sake's girl, get outta that disbelief right now! You'll stain yer coat!
“Well, Twilight, you should compliment me. For example, you could say something about my eyes. Or my coat. Or my mane. Do you like my mane?”
“Meh, I like your mane,” Twilight said coldly.
“Oh, you need to put more heart into it!” Pinkie looked leniently at Twilight.
“Gaah, AAAAAAaay looooooooooooove your mane,” Twilight said sarcastically.
Gl1m0: ...Am I the only one who read that as "Gaaaaaaay looooove your mane?"
Twilight: Oh Celestia, the pain...
“Well, A for an effort.” Pinkie smiled and stuffed her mouth with hay.
Gl1m0: And B is for botulism!
AJ: C is a crisis, like this fic.
Twilight: And D is for dead, which is what I want to be RIGHT NOW.
Both friends fnished their meals in silence.
Gl1m0: Little known fact, I love to "fnish" my meals. It's adds a sense of intrigue at knowing I can kill spelling just by jamming food in my craw.
Pinkie smiled happily all the time, while Twilight was visibly angry and was giving murderous looks around.
Twilight: I could commit first degree murder just by glaring at somepony. It's that bad.
“Well, that was great! Now, I should walk you home!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Might I walk you home instead? You live closer to the restaurant,” Twilight asked indifferently. She knew she’s not going to convince Pinkie.
All: THEN WHY DID YOU TRY?!
“No, silly! I asked you out and I gotta walk you home!
Gl1m0: Dating logic is best logic.
Twilight: Still a more conceivable logic that Pinkie Pie.
Let’s go!” Pinkie encouraged her friend to leave the restaurant. After they had went out, Pinke quickly returned to pay the bill.
AJ: Pinke was Pinkie's cousin from Timbucktu. She carries the cash, and Pinkie is the getaway mare.
“That’s my chance!” Twilight thought and galloped away. Unfortunately, Pinkie was already waiting for her hidden behind a wooden crate.
“Where are you going, Twilie? We shall WALK home.” Pinkie giggled.
Twilight: Well then, if we must WALK, then we shall WALK. Not a trot, or canter, or walk, we are going to WALK.
Gl1m0: Also, did she just say "Twilie"? ...This Pinkie is actually Shining Armor in disguise, I'm calling it now.
Twilight sighed. “Okay, let’s get this over with.”
Twilight walked slowly toward her house while Pinkie jumped excitedly around her. At one moment they saw Rarity and Big Mac walking from opposite direction. Big Mac looked like the happiest stallion in Equestria
Gl1m0: Well, looks like someone's getting lucky tonight.
while Rarity, well, was horrified. When both ‘couples’ passed each other, Rarity whispered to Twilight: “Help me!”
Twilight: "Hmm... nah."
Gl1m0: Hah, I bet this is retribution for Rarity's Generous Plan.
Twi & AJ: Thanks for reminding us of that story...
Gl1m0: Anytime.
Twilight understood her friend. That day was a real nightmare but it was going to end. She decided she was going to think later about probable gossips but they were not important right now. She could alredy see her house what made her feel relieved.
Gl1m0: "Phew, finally I can use the bathroom!"
When they finally arrived at the door, Twilight took another deep breath and said: “Well, Pinkie. It was the weirdest date ever. I hope you had a good time. And I hope this was our last date.”
AJ: "An' here's my fake phone number, so you'll never be able to call me."
“Okie-dokie!” Pinkie exclaimed. „But there is only one thing left!” Pinkie giggled.
Twilight: Ugh, just look at that. This fic is so shoddily put together, even the quotation marks are falling off.
Gl1m0: Not even duct tape can save it now.
“What now?” Twilight groaned.
“Well. I walked you home, right? Then you we need to kiss each other before I leave! That’s how it usually goes!” Pinkie explained joyfully.
Gl1m0: "Or at least, that's what that article on Reddit said. I can trust those, right?"
“No way! I agreed on the date, I was embarassed in the restaurant and the whole town is gonna gossip about us for weeks! I’m not gonna kiss you!” Twilight shouted in anger.
“Oh, come on, Twilight! You’ve been through so much today! You’re gonna feel better after the kiss!” Pinkie encouraged her friend.
“I said no!”
Gl1m0: Embrace the power of the no!
“Twilie, Twilie! Pleeeeeease! That’s gonna be my first kiss! I think I should kiss someone special!” Pinkie fell on the ground. Her eyes became wet.
Twilight groaned. “For Pinkie,” she thought and said aloud: “One short kiss. And nopony can know.”
“Sure thing!”
Twilight closed her eyes and leaned forward.
AJ: And then fell on her face. Laughs were had by all.
Gl1m0: She should have watched out for that banana peel Pinkie slipped under her hoof moments ago.
She felt disgust. She was not into mares at all.
Twilight: The fact that you were on a date, and are now about KISS her notwithstanding, of course.
But she was not too assertive as well and now she was about to kiss Pinkie.
She felt even more disgust as she touched Pinkie’s mouth.
Gl1m0: With what? Vague fic is vague...
Twilight: For my sake, I hope it's not with anything other than a hoof...
These few seconds seemed to last forever.
Gl1m0: The slowest and most undescriptive kiss in fanfic history. That's rather impressive.
AJ: Eh, Ah've seen worse...
Gl1m0: Oh, do tell.
AJ: Later.
“Gotcha!” Pinkie shouted and began laughing.
“What!?” Twilight opened her eyes. She was touching Pinkie’s elbow with her muzzle. “Pinkie!?”
Twilight: "You little TEASE! You can forget about movie night!"
Pinkie laughed hysterically. “I can’t believe, Twilight! You’re so naive! You really thought I was dating you for real!?” Pinkie giggled. “You are such a crack-up! I had a great time! That was like my est joke ever!
Gl1m0: The estest joke in a long line of est jokes.
Well, see you later” Pinkie trotted away laughing.
Twilight stood in place for a longer while. She couldn’t think of anything.
“T’was a... j-j-joke?”
All: Princess Luna?!
she stuttered and after a few seconds, she went into her house. “Gotta read something before I freak out...” she thought and opened the first book in sight.
Gl1m0: 'How to Properly Apply Brain Bleach'...
Twilight: An international best seller!
THE END
Gl1m0: Finally! Now, can we please get the hell out of here--
AJ: Hold up sugarcube, it looks like there’s still more…
Gl1m0: What?! …Ugh. This story lies to me.
Twilight: It’s nothing but lies.
Later at Sugar Cube Corner.
Twilight: Yes, but how much later? An hour? A day? A week?! Ugh, why is this story so insistent on withholding so much information?!
Gl1m0: That happens to be considered a crime in many circles.
“Pinkie, we need to talk,” Mr. Cake said grimly.
AJ: "There's been a huge smell coming from the basement... You wouldn't known anything about that, would you?"
“What’s up, Mr. Cake?” Pinkie asked with a grin.
Gl1m0: The ceiling, of course! ...I'm sorry, but I had to.
Twilight: (facehoofs)
“Well... Our sales went down recently and, um, how to put it delicate...
Twilight: "I had to sell your hacksaw collection. I know they meant a lot to you, but those things make a killing on the black market."
We need to fire you, Pinkie,” he said.
Twilight: Out of a cannon, that is.
Gl1m0: To the moon.
“Oh, silly. You can’t do that!” Pinkie giggled.
“What? I’m the owner!” Mr. Cake frowned.
Gl1m0: And she's Pinkie Pie. Your status has been overruled, buddy.
“Yeah! But, you know, I’m into mares! Everybody’s seen that!
Twilight: ...Um, no you're not. I don't care that anyone saw what they saw, but you ADMITTED it was a joke. And it was a bad one, at that.
Gl1m0: Wait a second... this was Pinkie's plan all along! She'd fake a date, make it seem like she was gay, and then abuse that status to gain benefits!
Twilight: That... is one of the stupidest plans I've ever heard.
Gl1m0: And the sad thing is, some people actually get away with this...
If you fire me, that will mean that you discriminate against me! You know what I mean?” Pinkie said jumping excitedly around Mr. Cake.
Gl1m0: Oh, I do. Apparently, Pinkie is best troll.
AJ & Twi: Agreed...
Pinkie (on TV): D'aww, I love you guys too!
"Um, You are ggoing to sue me, if I fire you?" he asked uncertainly.
Twilight: Of course not. She's just going to be very, very disappointed in you.
"Exactly!" Pinkie exclaimed and giggled.
“Oh, horseapples...” Mr. Cake said and closed his eyes.
Gl1m0: This story is full of bull. The Cakes can't just fire Pinkie. One does not simply… wait, is it over now?
Twilight: It… yeah, it’s done.
Gl1m0: Oh, thank god…
AJ: Hey, it could’ve been a heck of a lot worse.
Twilight: That’s true… Actually, this story was pretty… tame. A bit stupid, but still, at least it kind of tries to be a story.
Gl1m0: Yeah, but it just happened to end up being a sucky story. Nrgh… mediocrity… it burns…
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, I thought I’d go easy on you this time, y’know, ‘cuz you’re a noob and all.
Gl1m0: ……
Twilight: Don’t take it too personally. You did do pretty good for a first-timer, though.
Gl1m0: I… thanks, I suppose? I’m not sure if being told I’m capable of being a snarky asshole is something to be proud of, though…
(All of the windows and doors unlock and open, much to the trio’s delight.)
Pinkie Pie (on TV): I suppose I better let you guys out now, but let’s do it again--
(Twilight runs out the door before Pinkie can finish.)
Pinkie Pie (on TV): —sometime! Hey, where did Twilight go? …Aw, darn it! I was gonna give her a hint on what the next story I would show her would be!
AJ: (deadpan) Well, gee. That’s terrible. Darn shame, that is. Ah’m sure she’s missing out.
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Mmm… Oh well, it’ll be more fun as a surprise! Heeheehee!
AJ: Well, Ah’m outta here. Ah need to lie down when I get home…
(Applejack leaves the house, but leaves the door wide open.)
Gl1m0: Hey, you forgot to close the door! Applejack! Apple—ugh. She left. Rude…
Pinkie Pie (on TV): That was fun! We should do it again sometime, huh?
Gl1m0: I’d really rather not… but, I still can’t understand how you managed to rig MY STUDIO to become basically a prison, without me even noticing.
Pinkie Pie (on TV): There’s a lot of things you don’t understand about the world, Glowy…
Gl1m0: Uhh… “Glowy”? How did you--
Pinkie Pie (on TV): Well, see ya next time Glowy!
Gl1m0: Hang on a second, Pinkie, you aren’t going to--
(Pinkie pushes a button, and the TV turns off with a blip.)
Gl1m0: —be doing this again… aren’t… you… Ah, dammit…
*Riiiing… Riiiing… Riiiing…*
Gl1m0: Hmm…? My cell phone? (Pulls a phone out of his pocket, and answers it.) Hello?
?????: Heeeey, Glowy! Wassup man? How did that thing with Pinkie go?
Gl1m0: How did you know about—you know what? Never mind. When’s the next time the CRF is coming around this area?
?????: Eh, about another day or so. Why you ask?
Gl1m0: Listen, I’m not quite sure how, but… I think Pinkie knows. When you bring it over here, I want you to… (Trails off into a whispering.)
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