Mystery Equestria Theater 3000
~Episode 1: Griffy's Journey (Part 2)~
<- Part 1
[The bridge has been rearranged to resemble an odd mix between a lecture hall and meeting room. Rainbow Dash, oddly dressed in business casual and glasses, is next to a blackboard with rudimentary drawings of Glida and Griffy swacking at each other. In front of her was a horseshoe table where the rest of the ponies were seated. On the back wall was banner that simply said 'Welcome to Griffins and Griffinsplaining 101.']
Twilight Sparkle: Okay Rainbow Dash, you seem to know more about griffinsplaining that anyone else, can you tell us what it is?
Rainbow Dash: Well, some griffins have such a high and mighty view of themselves that they believe they know everything. And, in turn, they believe that everything else is ignorant compared to them. So they have to explain it to them in the most condescending, patronizing, annoying, and sometimes inaccurate ways possible.
[Rainbow Dash turns to the board, grabs a piece of chalk, and draws a pony talking to the chalk Griffy. She then draws the more swacking coming from Griffy.]
Rainbow Dash: Now it doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re at, or what you were doing. Once a griffin starts griffinsplaing, there’s no stopping them.
Rarity: What do you mean ‘no stopping them?’
Rainbow Dash: Trying to tell them that you already know about it doesn't work. You could be the expert at it, wrote the book about it, the whole nine yards. You obviously don't know anything about it, and the griffin will correct you on it. You could be in the middle of something important, like trying to stop a war, find a new type of magic, or even save some pony’s life. None of that is relevant. To a griffin, the griffinsplain is more important.
Applejack: What if they start griffinsplain’ and they're wrong?
Rainbow Dash: Goddess, that's worse. You try to tell them that they're wrong and they deny it. You point out why they're wrong, and they'll try and prove why they're right, regardless of facts, truth, or even basic logic. And if you wind up in a griffinsplain about the same thing sometime later on, they'll use the things you pointed out to them the first time around to make themselves right. And they'll never acknowledge that they were wrong and you were right. They were right the *entire time.*
Twilight Sparkle: Rainbow Dash, it sounds like you’ve dealt with this personally.
Rainbow Dash: There were a couple of griffins in my class at flight school. Most of them did it to one degree or other. Gilda did it once in awhile too. Not as often as Griffy, but still... *sigh* There was one time she went on and on about the perfect barrel roll, g-forces and everything about it. And she wouldn't stop, even after I asked her to... So I stuffed a sock in her mouth.
Twilight Sparkle: I think you mean you told her to put a sock in it.
Rainbow Dash: ... No, I literally stuffed a sock in her mouth.
[The others give Rainbow Dash varying looks of questionable approval of her action.]
Rainbow Dash ... What? She wouldn't shut up!
Fluttershy: Has there been a time when two griffins are trying to griffinsplain to each other?
Rainbow Dash: Well, if you're caught between the two...
[Rainbow Dash draws a pony clearly going insane standing between a jabbering Griffy and Gilda]
Rainbow Dash: Pray to everything good and kind that it's a short-lived griffinsplain. Or for death to come quickly. But if you see it from the sidelines though...
[Rainbow Dash erases the pony from before, the redraws it off to the side, reclining in a chair.]
Rainbow Dash: Well then, sit back and enjoy the show.
[The rest sit back for a moment, absorbing the information.]
Applejack: ... You know Dash, it kinda sounds like YOU were griffinsplaining just now.
Rainbow Dash: ... shut up.
[The lights and klaxon go off.]
Rainbow Dash: Oh hell, fanfic sign!
[7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1]
> C6: From Bad to Worse
Applejack: Oh, wait... Yep, that’s dread settling in right there.
>
> As I flew into the late afternoon, happened to notice a strange
> fortress-like structure in the distance outside of the jungle.
Rainbow Dash: And some pony in a tank top and short shorts jumping around on it.
>
> When flew over to it, I first read the sign, "WARNING: No
> trespassers unless we asked you to come around here. If we di'int,
> we is gonna let our pet Roc attack yous'.
Rainbow Dash: I threw a roc at him!
Fluttershy: ......
Rainbow Dash: ... It was a big roc...
> PS, welcome to the Ogre Stronghold".
Rarity: Wipe your feet.
>
> After I finished reading this sign, I went pale with fear, I hate
> Ogres and Rocs (huge Eagle-like Birds).
Twilight Sparkle: And the lessons learned in Gabbagon about befriending everyone sailed right over Griffy’s head.
>
> As I started to retreat, I spotted the Roc swoop down at me, and
> riding on it were 5 or 6 Lizard-like Creatures with Dog ears,
> Primate limbs with claws and spony tails, these were obviously the
> Ogres.
Pinkie Pie: No, these are the trolls, the prelude to the ogres.
> This was totally going to not end well.
Applejack: Griffy would try and make their deaths swift and painless, but it was not guaranteed.
>
> Luckily, the Orges and Roc stopped chasing me as soon as I was 30
> feet away from the fortress. They obviously don't like strangers.
Rarity: Well, the Swiss really don’t like anything.
Fluttershy: [Ogre] No, it’s this stupid invisible leash!
>
> As I trecked further, it got to be 10:00 PM at night.
>
> I decided that I would rest for the night at a tall stone wall
> surrounding what looked like another Pony nation on a highish
> mountain.
Pinkie Pie: [Chef] Why hello there fillies!
Applejack: Wrong mountain town.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The next morning, I woke up and decided that maybe this would be
> the place for my new home.
Rarity: [Griffy] It would take some redecorating, maybe get rid of all the ponies and it should be okay.
>
> But before I headed for the main entrace, I stopped and wondered if
> the Pony-folk around here would react the same way the other places
> had done to me.
Twilight Sparkle: Judging on your track record? Probably.
>
> So I found an old rubbish heap, and foraged through it for anything
> usefull.
Rainbow Dash: All the while fighting this homeless pony with no teeth.
> Bingo!, that's when I found a brown colored cloak just my
> size with a hood to hide my head. I put the thing on and said,
> "Time to finally be happy".
Rarity: By wearing garbage and looking like a bum?
Fluttershy: Sometimes it’s the little things.
>
> At the main entrace, there were white-colored Pegusus Ponies with
> golden armor standing there.
Pinkie Pie: Their laser beam eyes kill any who are unworthy of entering.
> They looked tuff and strict on letting just "anyone" in,
Applejack: Canterlot: World’s most exclusive club.
Twilight Sparkle: You ain’t on the list, you ain’t getting in.
> but I did managed to persuade them to let me in by saying that I
> had an urgent/personal telegram for their leader and that I was
> just a secret-acting mail dude.
Twilight Sparkle: [Guard] Who are you with?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Pony Express.
Twilight Sparkle: [Guard] Okay, you’re kosher. Head on in.
>
> But as I entered the kingdom/city place called "Canterlot", The
> guards who let me through did act a little suspicious about who and
> what I really was.
Rainbow Dash: The filth-ridden clothing you were wearing had nothing to do with it.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As I walked through Canterlot with the brown cloak on, I could not
> help but admire the very fancy shmancy buildings, fountains and
> statues everywhere.
Rarity: Because when you visit someplace high class as Canterlot, fancy schmancy is a phrase you want to use.
> I then got hungry, realizing that it was indeed time for some breakfast.
> I headed over to a place called "Pony Joe's".
Fluttershy: You just BS’ed the cops, and you decide to go to... a donut shop.
Pinkie Pie: Common sense? Buck that, there’s Bavarian Crèmes waiting to be eaten!
>
> Inside the shop was a not-as-fancy design as the rest of the city
> was, but it didn't bug me. I noticed some usual customers hanging
> out but guess what, they were all Ponies!
Rainbow Dash: (sarcastic) Ponies? In Canterlot? Stop the presses!
> No other species of anything was hanging out around here. This made
> me feel a little down that there really was not much equality with
> Ponies and other species in Canterlot,
Applejack: No, you want ethnicity. Equality would be an even and fair playing field.
Twilight Sparkle: I’m certain that Princess Celestia hasn’t started death camps and genocidal purges of non-ponies from the city. Well, not yet.
> but I decided to just get used to it. I walked right up to one of the
> spinning stools at the counter and sat in it.
Pinkie Pie: Wheee! The world goes around and around!
> A male Unicorn Pony walked up to me from the other side of the
> counter. He was in a fast food joint uniform and asked me for my
> order.
>
> "I'll take a doughnut", I said to him.
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta donuts!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any cinnamon rolls?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any apple fritters?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta apple fritters!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any bear claws?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] ... Wait a minute, I'll go check......... No, we're outta bear claws!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] ... OK, I'll take that.
>
> "Sure thing pal", he said to me in response and was back in seconds
> with a glazes doughnut, "By the way, did you know that I'm the guy
> who runs the place, Pony Joe"
Applejack: The sign wasn’t a give-a-way?
>
> I just shook my head as a way of saying "no" in response, eating
> the doughnut as well and drinking a glass of water that came with
> it.
Pinkie Pie: Yes, but can you do that AND make a dummy sing “Blue Danube” at the same time?
>
> "A lot of Ponies find it wierd for a manager to be also acting like
> an employee", he continued, "But some find it not creepy at all"
Rarity: I run my own boutique.
Twilight Sparkle: I run the library.
Applejack: I run my own farm.
Rainbow Dash: I’m head of weather control for Ponyville.
All: (sarcastic) Weird? Yeah, completely.
>
> "I don't thing it's out of the ordinary", I responded, "By the way,
> I like the look of this shop you have here except for all the
> obvious health code violations"
Applejack: Those aren’t rat turds, they’re flavor droppings.
>
> "Hehehe, I like you!", said Joe with a smile, "Nothing you say
> makes any sense!
Pinkie Pie: You’re like the chorus of Chelsea Dagger.
> PS,
Rarity: OMG, did you see what Pacific Rose was wearing last week?
> what's up with the brown-colored hooded cloak?"
Rainbow Dash: [Pony Joe] *sniff sniff* Ooooo, never mind.
>
> "You see", I said, "I am incognito because I don't know how
> Canterlot shall react to Creatures like myself"
Twilight Sparkle: He is the terror that flaps in the night.
Applejack: He stays crunchy even in milk
Fluttershy: He sparkles in sunlight.
>
> I then took my hood off to reveal my head and face. The other
> customers did not really seem to bother to look at me.
Fluttershy: A crowded coffee shop and suddenly no pony gives a damn?
Twilight Sparkle: Pony Joe’s got overrun by hipsters after he had WiFi installed.
Applejack: [hipster] I didn’t give a damn about things from the Everfree Forest before it was cool.
>
> "A small, brown Griffin eh?", said Joe, "I think I may have heard
> of your kind from school when I was a colt,
Fluttershy: A kookaburra.
Rarity: A dodo.
Rainbow Dash: A jackass.
> Pygmy Griffin was it?"
Twilight Sparkle: Better known as a Useless Griffin.
>
> "Correct Joe", I said, "Now how much do I need to pay for all this
> food and drink I got"
Pinkie Pie: Oh, just with your life.
>
> "It's Free Breakfast Day", replied Joe, "Free breakfast served on
> the 5th of every month.
Rainbow Dash: How bucking convenient!
Rarity: It would drive Pony Joe into the red if it weren’t such a big tax write-off.
> Oh, and watch out for the royal guards, they get really suspicious
> about guys like you"
Applejack: Joe can’t afford the extra hush money in this month’s kickback.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> After I departed Pony Joe's with my hooded brown cloak still on, I
> suddenly bumped into another Unicorn Pony; this time a teenage
> female of purple color.
Pinkie Pie: Dammit, leave Sparkler out of this.
> I did not really get a good look at her but I later on saw her more
> clearly, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Rarity: Now it stops you?
>
> "Sorry there sir", she said to me in very nice-sounding female
> voice, "I have to keep moving studying with books calls"
Applejack: So what’re you studying with books there Twi?
Twilight Sparkle: Hopefully proper grammar.
>
> "Right miss", I said, hiding my face in my hood, including my
> longish beak.
>
> "What are you doing with that filthy cloak over your body?",
Rainbow Dash: Probably won’t wash it until the Eagles get to the Super Bowl.
> she asked me in suspicion, "Are you even a Pony, 'cause you're pretty
> smal in shoulder heighth to have a mature voice like that"
Fluttershy: Cigarettes stunted his growth.
>
> I got worried, thinking she was finding out about me.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Dammit, the boys in Witness Protection are going to have my ass.
>
> "I won't really report you", she continued with a sweet laugh, "I'm
> just messing with you,
Pinkie Pie: [Twilight] I’ve had a wire on this whole time!
> but you're clearly not a Pony; you have a Lion-like tail"
>
> "That's because I'm a secret agent Mongoose born with a Lion-like
> tail", I fibbed, hoping she would not catch on, "Now I gotta now"
Fluttershy: He needs to find the whereabouts of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
>
> As I walked away, I could not help but admire that Pony's rate of
> intelligence being about at the same rate as mine and her kind
> personality.
Applejack: Someone’s got a bit of an ego.
Rainbow Dash: A two minute conversation and he knows all about our resident egghead.
> Like I said before, I soon got to know her a little more.
Twilight Sparkle: Note to self: Have Spike up the security at the library.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The market-place I was walking through a little later on was very
> unique looking, with very interesting looking products on sale, not
> just food but also jewelery.
Rarity: Come one, come all! Get your finely made crap here!
>
> Just then, my cloak accidently got caught on some merhcant's
> spiny-covered head dress and ripped right off of me, revealing
> myself to the public. "Oh dear", I said outloud, "Expossed!"
Fluttershy: And TMZ is already there.
>
> That's when those very same Pegasus guards I had met from earlier
> (joined by some brown-colored Unicorn Pony guards this time)
> charged towards me, with plenty more guards surrounding from all
> directions, blocking off all my escapes including above me, for the
> Pegasi were flying overhead.
Pinkie Pie: Damn, a sting!
Applejack: [guard] Come out with your claws up and ego down!
>
> "From our grand-sized library", spoke one of the Pony guards in a
> very serious tone,
Fluttershy: Its Masterpiece Theater!
> "We have learned many things about the world, including the
> EverFree Forest inhabitants".
Rarity: [guard] You send out penile enhancement spam.
>
> "So?", I asked confused.
>
> "Pygmy Griffins are from the EverFree Forest, which makes you an
> evil-minded Beast and a threat to all of Horsekind!", he exclaimed
> fiercely.
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, but does he weigh more than a duck?
>
> Just then, all the guards got out nets, ropes, cuffs and chains and
> attacked me with those many objects. I was then a prisoner clearly.
Fluttershy: Or an upstanding member in a S&M club.
>
> As one of the guards started to place another chain on my body, I
> yelled, "Take your stinking hooves off of me you dang-darn dirty
> Horse!".
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] You will pry my griffinsplaing from my cold dead hands!
>
> I moped as the guards took me in those uncomfortable shackles, that
> were attached to all four of my legs and even my torso, to the
> largest and most fanciest building in Canterlot, the headquaters of
> their leader.
Applejack: The “Hot to Trot Club” ... The buck?
> I was scared like mad as we entered.
Pinkie Pie: And he’s not going to take it anymore!
Rarity: Actually he’s probably going to wind up taking it like a prison bitch.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C7: My New Hope
Twilight Sparkle: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Rainbow Dash: If you can read this, you don’t need glasses.
Pinkie Pie: And Pierce... Well, who gives a buck about Pierce.
>
> I was taken, all chained up and stuff, into the palace throne room
> of the leader of Canterlot (in fact, the ruler of all of Equestria
> itself), Princess Celestia.
Twilight Sparkle: [Molestia] Hmmm, griffin. Wonder if they taste like chicken...
> She had got to be one of the most amazing sight I had ever seen in my
> life, period.
Applejack: [Griffy] A girl huh huh huh...
> She looked alot like a combination of all the 3 kinds of Ponies in
> one and even (well, in a way, since i'm a different species) kinda
> beautiful to look at.
Rarity: Do not stare directly at the Celestia. Doing so could cause permanent retinal damage.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I seen like an orange... her aura or whatever. I seen it. It was orange.
>
> "Your royal majesty", said one of the guards after they had done a
> small bow to her,
Rainbow Dash: Followed by a pop and lock, and then rock it back.
> "We caught this Creature from the EverFree Forest in the square
> just now. How should we perform the execution on this small-
> sized, brown-colored Griffin your highness?". From what that
> guard guy said I gulped and nearly fainted.
Applejack: [Celestia] Let’s see, it’s Thursday so that means... Ah, feed him apples until he bursts!
>
> "Has this Being actually done anything wrong?", asked the princess
> in the most peaceful/serious/kind voice I had ever heard.
Rainbow Dash: [Guard] He’s been griffinsplaining ma’am.
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] Off with his head!
>
> "Not really, but it was acting suspicious, wearing a brown cloak
> to hide itself in, and probably even planning on killing you", the
> guard said.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] No I wasn’t!
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] ... What about now?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Well, kind of since you said~
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] See!
>
> Celestia took a good look at me while sitting on her throne.
Rarity: A lot of ponies make their best decisions on the throne.
> She could see me very sad and miserable on the inside and that
> I had gone through a lot of trouble to find civilized shelter.
Twilight Sparkle: Passing up several other civilized shelters to get here.
Applejack: The puppy dog eyes are helping.
>
> "I sense this Pygmy Griffin is in great pain, both physically and
> emotionally", she said in a rather reasonable tone.
Rarity: [Celestia] And he smells like a septic tank.
>
> "Wait!", cried one of the guards, looking conserned, "He's already
> brainwashing you Princess! Brainwashing you with his psycho-mind
> powers from the EverFree Forest!"
Rainbow Dash: Watch it! He may start head stomping and scissor kicking at any time!
>
> Celestia could tell clearly that guards were becoming paranoid
> about the unknown.
Twilight Sparkle: You should see when somepony tries to put actual knowledge in their heads.
>
> "Unlock his shackles and leave this room without him please", she
> said.
>
> As the guards unlocked my chain shackles and left the room, they
> said to her, "You'll be sorry your majesty".
Fluttershy: Your comeuppance will soon be here...
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As soon as me and the princess were alone, she asked me to come up
> to her throne.
Rainbow Dash: [Celestia] Bring the plunger; I had Mexican.
> I took only one step before hiding my face with wings. I had both
> fear and sadness, for I was not trusting any Ponies right then.
>
> "Don't be frightened", she said to me gently, "I won't harm you,
> you are very safe now".
Rarity: [Celestia] Now hopefully luring you into this false sense of security will work to my advantage.
>
> And with that, I strangely started to believe her. I approached her
> throne cautiously as she asked politly for me to sit near her side.
> As I settled down right next to her, I felt my fear and sadness
> begin to go away. I felt strangely peaceful, safe and comforted by
> this Pony's presense by my side.
Pinkie Pie: Celestia is the Jesus Pony.
Twilight Sparkle: Also there was a strange urge to eat cold pizza and drink Mountain Dew.
>
> "You know what?", I said in a very week voice, "I think this might
> be the place for me".
Applejack: Until they fumigate.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C8: The Royal Life
Fluttershy: Next on Disney.
>
> For the following few weeks, I was one of Princess Celestia's
> pupils. A pupil she kept a secret from everthing else.
Pinkie Pie: Sore wa himi~ {Promptly whapped by Twilight}
Twilight Sparkle: No.
>
> While living In the throne room, I read a lot of magazines writen
> by the famous represenative of Canterlot's fashion world, a male
> Earth Pony named Hoity Toity.
Rarity: And the other magazines about Hoity Toity’s exploits with other stallions.
> I also would turn on the radio and listen to classical music being
> performed by the famous female Earth Pony, Octavia.
Rainbow Dash: Needs more dub step.
> I also happened to notice that she had a pet Phoenix, named
> Philomena. I was rather annoyed with this Bird, for she was like
> scaring me with little fiery sparks of flame from her feathers just for
> laughs.
>
> "I've got 3 words for you Birdie!", I exclaimed to Philomena,
Fluttershy: Eat at Joe’s?
Rarity: This is PNN?
Applejack: Just do it?
Twilight Sparkle: Who dares wins?
Rainbow Dash: Seize the day?
Pinkie Pie: Misty’s awesome rack?
> "Dinner is Served!".
Fluttershy: We have a lovely entrée of lemon bird seed salad, followed by light braised hickory smoked worms.
>
> And with that, I grabbed hold of her and tried to shove her down my
> throat (even though she was a little large for my mouth)
Twilight Sparkle: Oh yes, let’s swallow something that’s *on fire*.
> until she got out of me by making me cough out fire and fire-
> colored feathers.
Rainbow Dash: Usually the other end of me is feeling that whenever I eat something spicy.
> As soon as she was out, Philomena gave me the cold shoulder.
>
> I then felt a little guilty for trying to swallow and consume her
> at first.
Rarity: After that feeling worn off, he tried to eat her again.
>
> "Now now you two", said the sweet and spectacular voice of
> Celestia, "You both are technically the cause of this feud now
> apoligize please".
Applejack: Because nothing is ever Griffy’s fault alone.
>
> "S-S-S-Sorry", I mumbled, stammered and moaned to the Phoenix and
> just like that, she flew over and hugged me with her wings, which I
> guess was her also saying she was sorry and that she accepted my
> apology.
Pinkie Pie: Or sizing you up for an Argentinean spine buster.
> That hug, however, made my body temperature rise due to
> Philomena being a Phoenix with fire powers.
Twilight Sparkle: Realization: Not just for breakfast anymore!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> A few other times I was kept a secret from the public, was when
> Celestia's 1# student, a teenage female Unicorn Pony named Twilight
> Sparkle, would come into the throne room to speak with her mentor
> about stuff.
Twilight Sparkle: Stuff and things and junk. It’s just so (valley-girl sigh) BOOORE-RING.
Fluttershy: [Twilight] Princess? Who’s that behind your throne?
Rarity: [Celestia] Him? Oh, just the janitor. Humor him, he thinks he’s important.
> That's when I realized that Twilight was indeed that female Pony I
> met near Pony Joe's when I first came to Canterlot.
Applejack: He no longer had to stalk those other purple unicorns!
> So little did Twilight know was that her mentor's second best
> student being kept a secret from her, that secret second best
> student was me.
Fluttershy: So who’s the secret best student then?
Twilight Sparkle: Some flake named Harry Trotter. And that’s only because his parents make clopping huge donations to the school every year.
>
> I one day learned something on my own, me and Twilight are around
> the same age if we were the same species.
Fluttershy: But Griffy’s age in pygmy griffin years puts him at 7.
Rainbow Dash: Rock the cradle of love Twilight.
> Another thing I discovered was that we seemed to have some sort
> of connection with each other, even though she never saw me while I
> lived with Celestia.
Rarity: Awww, someone’s been collecting locks of somepony’s mane.
Twilight Sparkle: ... Note to self: ADD GUARD DOGS TOO.
>
> One day, as Twilight (or as I sometimes call her, Ms. Sparkle)
Pinkie Pie: She cleans, she disinfects, and she leaves a streak-free shine!
> was leaving the throne room after a rather short study report with
> her baby Mountain Dragon friend, Spike, one of the large hanging
> diamond decoration was starting to fall down towards her due to its
> chain being rusty. I quickly swooped overhead and grabbed the
> diamond thing before it even hit Twilight
Rainbow Dash: The rest continued its descent, crushing and killing Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle: Worth it.
> and she never noticed as she went through the door.
Pinkie Pie: [Kool-Aid man] Oh YEAH!
Rarity: Things dropping on you, going through doors. Something amiss Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: I’m a little accident prone today.
>
> Celestia was impressed by my flying skills and thought she could
> teach me how to fly even higher than ever (pratically out of the
> atmosphere)
Rainbow Dash: Look, I can reach the thermosphere! There’s no oxygen up here! Wait... Urk, choke, dead.
> and I would not loose my stamina. We tried it out and it mostly worked
> out for me, i'm telling you; I had never felt so alive while flying ever.
Applejack: Save for that one time with those Luna tabs.
>
> "Focus now Griffy", said Celestia as a thunderstorm was approaching,
> "This shall be a perfect opportunity for you to master great flight,
> the weather factory must have had a malfunction but I actually kind
> of like independent storms and other sorts of nature like you do.
Fluttershy: The wind, the hail, the millions of bits in property damage.
> Now anyways, focus please"
Rainbow Dash: Insert barrel roll joke here.
>
> "I'm trying", I called to her as the rain, wind and thunder came
> through.
Rarity: Do or do not, but whine like a bitch you must.
>
> "Remember, my second best student!", called Celestia, "In weather
> like this, don't use your eyes, use your stomach"
Twilight Sparkle: Puke! Puke like a college freshman!
>
> As I tried my best with my stomach, I suddenly felt something. It
> was a feeling of being relaxed and my eyes were slowly beginning to
> shut as I swooped though the storm perfectly.
Pinkie Pie: Fly Griffy! Fly like the greats! Fly like Puma Man!
>
> Once me and Celestia headed back to the palace in her bedroom to
> get ourselves dryed off,
Rainbow Dash: Bow-chica-bow-wow.
> I could not help but wonder at Celestia's power at being able to
> just make all the rain water all over herself poof away like magic
> while I had to use a towl.
Applejack: Moving the sun? Meh. Drying yourself off? OH SHIT SON.
> She then accidently fired a beam of magic at me while attempted
> to telekinize my towl away and accidenlty turned me into a Toad.
Fluttershy: Your princess is in another castle.
Twilight Sparkle: Our goddess everypony. Omnipotent magical powers, crap for aim.
> She quickly changed me back to a Pygmy Griffin and apologized for
> her mistake.
Rarity: [Celestia] Oh, I’m sorry; I meant to turn you into something a tad more... likable. So let’s go back to the toad!
>
> "Well the sum to the square root of your powers should be
> accurately 24x55+666 including the square root of pi plus a large
> amount of atomic coordinates with accurate proportion",
Applejack: Suddenly, out of the flank, comes algebra!
> I suddenly rambled out, "Whoa! Viingizui! What just happened how
> did I know all that?"
Twilight Sparkle: Studying with books paid off.
>
> "That accidental beam may have increased your intelligence", said
> Celestia with a guilty expression.
Rainbow Dash: [Celestia] Dammit, I was hoping to erase him from existence.
>
> "Where's the upendoha in knowledge?", asked Griffy, "It's actually
> everywhere in logic. PS,
Pinkie Pie: Don’t forget: Six o’clock.
> "upendoha" means "love" in my language, Gabbagonian"
Twilight Sparkle: You do realize who you’re telling this to, right?
Rainbow Dash: The griffinsplain knows no social or royal status.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> On one clear evening, the Canterlot council meeting was going to be
> held.
Rarity: [council member] Well gentlecolts... How can we screw over the working class today?
> Even though I did not take part in this meeting Celestia had
> to attend to, I still had to prepare the place before any Ponies
> could see me.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Let’s see... StealthBuck: Check. Grappling line and overhead gargoyles: Check. Cardboard box: Check.
> I went back upstairs to ask Celestia if anything else needed to
> be done.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I TAkE cArE oF thE PlacE WHilE ThE CelESTia Is AwAy.
> When I found her, she was using some of her powers to telekinize
> a brush to come her mane in the mirror.
Rarity: Pesky manes. They only come for the brush.
>
> "You women are always trying to beautify yourselves", I said
> jokingly.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] When we all know you’re supposed to stay in the house at all times.
>
> "That we do", Celestia chuckled, "Now remember Griffy, everything
> must be perfect because the Canterlot council guys are pretty
> strict on most things.
Rarity: Save for the sacred vow of marriage.
> But don't try to hard or you'll hurt yourself"
Rainbow Dash: Half-ass it and you should be fine.
>
> "You sure are very merciful", I said.
Applejack: [Celestia] I sure am! That’s why I’m turning you to stone after dinner.
>
> "I'm not a Great Pony for nothing", she replied.
>
> "One last thing to ask before I go back to preparing the meeting
> room", I said, "Why do have the title of princess, because with the
> stuff you do and everything; should'nt that make you a queen. Queen
> Celestia sounds a lot better than Princess Celestia. I mean seriously.
> Viingizui, it's so odd"
Twilight Sparkle: Queen Celestia is only for “private time.”
>
> "What makes you wonder that?", asked Celestia, hoping I would not
> catch onto anything personal.
Rainbow Dash: Buck that, let’s press on like an idiot!
>
> "Maybe you kept the title of princess just because it sounds cute",
> I said with a jokingly serious face, "You're a queen! QUEEN IT UP
> LADY!
Applejack: [Griffy] Takes some authority! Queen it up bitch!
Fluttershy & Rarity: Work, turn to the left, work, now turn to the right, work, sashay chantey.
>They don't all have to look like old hags, you can still be
> pretty"
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] They’re doing wonders with plastic surgery these days!
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] ... You want to be placed in the garden permanently, don’t you?
>
> "The truth is that my grandmother called me that before she died
> and I kept the title ever since so I can primarily remember her,
> but I'll tell you that story some other time", she said,
Rarity: [Celestia] When I’m less sober.
> "Now please prepare the council room"
Pinkie Pie: Vader will soon be here.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C9: On the Road Again
Applejack: Willie Neighlson you’re not.
Rainbow Dash: Wish I could be smoking those funny little cigarettes like Willie.
>
> A few weeks later, Celestia decided that it would be best if I
> better leave Canterlot because the guards were like way to paranoid
> about me. She also told me I could not be a secret from the rest of
> the kingdom forever.
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] There’s only room for one pony’s awesomeness here, and that’s... Well, I just gave it away, now didn’t I?
>
> "I believe I know of the one place where you truely belong", she
> told me sweetly, "You will also make great friends there"
Fluttershy: They will call you Norm.
>
> When I heard her say of this place that I could officially call
> home, I got so excited inside that my heart started to beat
> rapidly.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Urg, too many burritos...
Twilight Sparkle: No, that’s cardiac arrest Griffy.
>
> "These things should help you on your way there", she said as she
> gave me a medalion to put around my neck as well as summoning over
> a large group of these mysterious-looking, rainbow-colored
> Butterflies.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Why does the medallion look like a screwed-up yellow Sonic the Hedge~
Rarity: [Celestia] Don’t worry about that, and just follow the butterflies, mmmkay?
>
> "What will all this do for me?", I asked, "How will this help find
> a home and a Rafipili or two? PS,
Fluttershy: Do I need to bring lube?
> "Rafipili" is Gabbagonian for "friend""
Pinkie Pie: [Celestia] Hi. God pony, maker of this place, knower of everything?
Applejack: [Griffy] Yeah, but~
Pinkie Pie: [Celestia] GOD. PONY.
>
> "The Butterflies shall lead you and the medalion will glow brighter
> the closer you get to this place I speak of", she explained.
Rainbow Dash: Is she trying to be weird and mysterious?
Twilight Sparkle: No, she's probably trying to get rid of Griffy and that medallion in one shot.
>
> I was still a tiny bit puzzled, but I decided to just go with it.
>
> "Does this mean we will never see each other again?", I asked
> worryingly.
>
> "Oh don't worry", she explained politely, "You will see me again
> from time to time.
Rarity: The propaganda department works its flank off.
> You see, I often go from nation to nation all around Equestria,
> doing some royal buisness,
Twilight Sparkle: Marriages, declarations, mass beheadings.
> so you might see me again soon"
>
> "Really?", I replied.
Applejack: [Trollestia] ... Nope.
>
> "In fact", she continued, "A week from now, I will be visiting this
> place you are going to for the Summer Sun Celebration. It's were I
> make the sun shine brighter than during its rising.
Twilight Sparkle: The sun shines brighter then during rising, like it already does? Besides, I think we’re missing some comparison story... and why does my head feel like it should explode?
Fluttershy: Don’t let it; I don’t think we have any spare heads in storage.
> For you see, that day shall be the day after the longest day of the
> year".
>
> "Thank's or as we say back in Gabbagon, Asanhalo", a replied
> gleefully, and departed Canterlot.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, it’s the reason I usually have my TV muted while playing videogames: Ass on Halo.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As I flew through the city with the madalion and the Butterflies,
> searching for the exit,
Twilight Sparkle: Man, unmarked exits. Fire marshal will shut Canterlot down for that infraction.
> the guards constantly glared at me.
Pinkie Pie: Worst game of hide and seek EVER.
>
> "That's right, you'd better get lost", hissed one of them.
>
> "If you ever show your EverFree Forest face anywhere around these
> here parts ever again", said another one, who then pretended to cut
> his own throat (of course a threat to me).
Pinkie Pie: Or he’s a huge mark for the Undertaker.
Fluttershy: Followed by a few more signs that we cannot show at this time.
>
> "Kwa-herha, boys", I said to them, "That's 'goodbye' in my
> language, Gabbagonian"
Applejack: As far as you know.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So yeah, I started to follow the Butterflies to this new nation
> that could be the place for me. Of course, as I followed the Bugs,
> the medalion was getting brighter and brighter the further me and
> the Insects got.
Rarity: [Griffy] I have to wonder why it’s ticking though.
>
> When night fell, both me and the Butterflies slept in a Tree for
> the night.
>
> I woken up by that Butterfly flock at dawn and I was a little
> annoyed by that, but I had to get used to it.
Applejack: Who knew that actually doing things was so hard.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Later in the morning, the Butterflies stopped flying, formed their
> flock together into a shape that said, "You Are Here Pal!".
Pinkie Pie: Welcome to New Jersey.
> After that, they formed another shape that said, "You Don't Need
> Us No More, We'll Be Heading Back To Canterlot Now Yo".
Rainbow Dash: [Butterflies] We’s be going to pollinate flowers and shiznit.
> As as those weird Bugs flew back the way we came, I suddenly
> noticed that the medalion was going brighter than ever and thus,
> it poofed away like magic.
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, it was more of a bang. Then he was left temporarily blind and deaf.
>
> I egerly looked to see the place that was indeed my destined home,
> and there it was.
Pinkie Pie: Mordor! Who says you can’t walk there.
> I was a small town of Ponies that looked quite friendly and
> neighborly and not just Ponies, I noticd that their were a few
> other species living in the town as well, mostly pets but also
> ones that were being treated like neighbors, such as Robins,
> Jays, Cattle and Pigs.
Fluttershy: Each one only counted as 2/3rds of a vote.
> Even the sign saying the town's name made me feel happy,
> "Ponyville" it said.
>
> "I'm home!" I thought to myself outloud with sheer joy. I then
> started to chant happy songs to myself in my native, Gabbagonian
> language.
Twilight Sparkle: Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu Ponyville wgah'nagl fhtagn!
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C10: First Impressions
Rarity: It hasn’t been a good one.
>
> The first thing to happen to me, a Pygmy Griffin living in Ponyville
> now, was to be greeted my the mayor who just happened to pass by
> me and then notice my presence.
Rainbow Dash: [Mayor] Crap, this isn’t another fake voter name I used that turned out to be a real person again, is it?
> She was a very loyal-looking Earth Pony mare and she seemed to be
> eger to accept me as a new resident of this here town.
Applejack: [Mayor] Oh good, another taxpayer to bilk!
>
> "Hello and welcome to Ponyville sir", she said to me in a rather
> polite tone, "I'm the current mayor and I can tell right away that
> you are totally looking for a place to stay"
Twilight Sparkle: [Mayor] We’ll put you in a municipal building, like everyone else who moves here!
>
> "You got it!", I said, "Name's Griffy, I am a Pygmy Griffin".
>
> Pretty soon, the mayor started to tour me around a bit of the town.
> She never really seemed to ask where I was originally from, so I
> decided not to tell her.
Applejack: One out of five ain’t... No, wait, one out of five is bad.
Twilight Sparkle: Sure, blurting out answers to~
Pinkie Pie: 42!
Twilight Sparkle: ... Questions no pony~
Rainbow Dash: Absolute zero!
Twilight Sparkle: ... asked just completely~
Fluttershy: The Locks of Norbury!
Twilight Sparkle: ... Out of the blue is~
Rarity: Blue Sapphires!
Twilight Sparkle: ... perfectly normal.
>
> "Oops!", said the mayor as she spotted Ponyville's clock tower,
> spotting what time it was, "I got to do some paperwork now. I'll
> let you tour yourself around Griffy"
Rarity: I’m sure he’ll find the seedy underbelly and more panicky citizens soon.
Pinkie Pie: He does have a knack for it.
>
> "Sure thing", I called as she started to trot away.
>
> "I'll also sign a few sheets for you to be an official citizen!",
> she called back.
Twilight Sparkle: Mostly documents that’ll allow her to take your stuff via imminent domain.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> I flew on top of one the building to get a good view of the town.
> Suddenly, just 2 minutes after I had reached the top, some blue,
> Pony-sized object zoomed through the air, with a rainbow-colored
> trail behind it,
All: (singing) Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan…
> accidently getting me caught on this speeding thing.
>
> "Whoa!..", said the object, "...looks like I caught another
> bystander by accident again"
Applejack: [object] 75 points for me!
>
> The object stopped and I fell of into a puddle of mud. I opened my
> eyes and looked up to see what that zooming thing was, a blue-
> colored teenage Pegasus Pony with a rainbow-colored mane and
> tail.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] These drugs from Manehatten are really starting to wig me out man.
>
> "Name's Rainbow Dash!", she said to me, "What's yours?"
>
> "Griffy, I'm a Griffin, Pygmy species", I said as I got myself out
> of the mud and shook the brown stuff off of me like a Dog.
>
> That's when Rainbow (or Ms. Dash as I sometimes call her)
Pinkie Pie: Mmmmm, spicy!
> started bragging about how cool her flight stunts were. She even
> told me of she was a the 1# fan of the Wonderbolts. I told her
> that I was also a fan as well.
>
> "Sure hope we can hang out again some other time Griff", she said
> to me in a rather pleased voice.
Rarity: [Rainbow Dash] I’m open right around the Twelfth of Never.
>
> "See ya", I said, and continued my self-guided tour.
Applejack: [Griffy] And as I look out to my left, I’ll see the Quills and Sofas store...
>
> "Wait a minute!", said Rainbow landing on the ground in front of
> me, "You say you're a Griffin, yet you don't look like the Griffins
> I've seen before"
Fluttershy: Outside of that one acid trip.
>
> "That's probably you've seen Giant Griffins, the larger; more well-
> known variety of Griffin", I responded, "We Pygmy Griffins are
> a little more rarer. Also, you can also see one big species
> difference; outside the body size, beak length and coloration"
>
> "And what might that be", she asked, acting quite interested.
Applejack: An aura of smarm that can crush towns.
>
> "Our ears", I said, twitching my ears to show her,
Twilight Sparkle: Because the rest of that stuff? Not as noticeable as *the ears.*
> "Giant Griffins have small, Bird-like ears and we Pygmy Griffins have
> longish, Mammal-like ears. You could say that Pygmy Griffin ears are
> Kangaroo-like in a way"
Fluttershy: Minus the actual awesomeness of a kangaroo.
>
> "Well, I gotta go now", said Rainbow Dash
Applejack: [Rainbow Dash] I’ve got more interesting things to do!
> and she flew off with me just sitting on the ground, watching her fly
> away. I realized that I made a friend finally and that made me feel so
> happy inside.
Rainbow Dash: Another two minute conversation and he’s already ‘IDK My BFF RbD?’
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] The connection was *there* man.
>
> That's I realized that Rainbow was a lot like my older brother.
Applejack: Minus the hitting, verbal abuse, and the penis.
> That made me feel more at home here in Ponyville in a way.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C11: Everything’s Pink
Rarity: You need to remove those rose-colored glasses then.
>
> I stopped by a convenient-looking bakery called "Sugar Cube
> Corner". I decide that I would get some breakfest here since it was
> still morning and I had not really eaten yet.
Fluttershy: Remember kids, every good nutritional breakfast starts with a heaping helping of sugar.
Rainbow Dash: Barring that, high fructose corn syrup.
>
> As soon as I walked through the door, I was ammediently greeted by
> some crazy-acting, teenage, female Earth Pony.
Pinkie Pie: Dammit Twist! I thought I told her not to do that.
[The other ponies just look away and whistle innocently]
> I also took extreme note that she was entirely pink-colored; as well
> as having a puffy-looking mane and tail.
>
> "Hi there! Hi there! Hi There!", she exclaimed in a really fast and
> excited tone, "I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie! You can call me just Pinkie
> Pie or Pinkie!"
Twilight Sparkle: [Pinkie Pie] Hello, my name is Pinkie Pie. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Now, offer me cupcakes.
>
> "Yeah, yeah sure", I said, trying to get away from this nutty
> Steed. I tried to explain to her who and what I was, but Pinkie
> kept on just bouncing around the store and eating cupcakes.
>
> "Ms. Pie!", I demmanded, "Enough of this foolishness or I'll..."
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I’ll cut you man!
Pinkie Pie: Meh, been there, done that.
Rarity: [Griffy] I’ll kidnap your family!
Pinkie Pie: Old hat.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I will give you this… Sugar-free gum!
Pinkie Pie: *GASP* ... You... FIEND.
>
> "Let us handle this", said two very reasonable acting Earth Pony
> adults that had just come out of the kitchen, "Mr. & Mrs. Cake at
> your service sir".
Rainbow Dash: They are the A-Team.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So after a short negotiation to make Pinkie calm the hay down,
Applejack: What would it cost to make you calm down?
Pinkie Pie: Enough Red Pony to choke... well, a horse?
Rarity: ... I think that would have the opposite effect.
> I finally got introduced properly to Pinkie and Mr. and Mrs. Cake
> (who were the two owners of this bakery and hypothetically Pinkie's
> aunt and uncle, I don't know if they really were her aunt and uncle
> so yeah).
Twilight Sparkle: Next we will be hearing from Professor Hoppinscotch and his theories on quantum family mechanics.
>
> I even sighed up for a part time job at this bakery known as Sugar
> Cube Corner as the dishwasher.
Applejack: [Pinkie Pie] Unpossible! I lick those clean myself.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Just when I was about to leave, Pinkie zoomed right over to me and
> said while huggin me to hard, "You look like you need to party
> Griff-o-reeno"
Rainbow Dash: [Pinkie Pie] C’mon, I rock with Nunu, Dashie kicks flank with Kennen, and Fluttershy’s Maokai is unstoppable.
>
> "Now I don't think will be needed Pinkie", I replied.
Pinkie Pie: No, with a Pinkie Pie party either you come to the party or the party comes to you.
Twilight Sparkle: A lesson learned the hard way.
>
> "But you have like got to join one of my parties", she said,
> "They're fun! There's candy, cake, balloons, music, dancing.."
>
> "ALL RIGHT! I GET IT!", I roared with extreme annoyance.
Rainbow Dash: Rage quit in 3, 2...
>
> "Oh wait, sorry for outbursting ther Pink", I apologized
> desperetly.
Applejack: As a man, Griffy’s not allowed to have feelings.
>
> "Well You should really come to one of my Parties some time
> Griffy", she offered.
Rarity: [Pinkie Pie] Even if someone drags you to it, kicking and screaming.
>
> At first, I was a little not too okay with the offer, until she
> gave me the plead look with her eyes while making a cute sound
> with her voice.
Rainbow Dash: How do you do that anyway Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: What do you think I use all that sugar for?
>
> "Fine...", I finally said. That's when I relized I still had not
> had breakfest yet.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Tell me you’ve got cereal with copious amounts of marshmallows in it?
Applejack: [Pinkie Pie] We’ve got cereal that had its marshmallows removed by some unseen force. ¬_¬
>
> Somehow, Pinkie could hear my stomach growl, so she zipped over to
> the kitchen and was soon back with a box of powedered doughnuts.
>
> "Thank's Pink!", I said as I started to eat the doughnuts and
> continued talking with mouth slightly full, "I'll try to come by
> one of your parties some time"
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I promise not to pass out on your front lawn.
Rarity: [Pinkie Pie] Can you also promise not to puke on the rug?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Let’s not push it.
>
> And with that, Pinkie let out a squeal of joy and started hopping
> aroud the store happily.
Twilight Sparkle: Caution: Pinkie Pie may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Rarity: Pinkie Pie contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Applejack: If Pinkie Pie begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie may stick to certain types of skin.
Rainbow Dash: Ingredients of Pinkie Pie include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Equestria, presumably from outer space.
Pinkie Pie: Do not taunt Pinkie Pie.
> Just then, I knew it was a good time to leave the store while she
> was distracted by her happiness. Of course I did'nt leave without
> the powdered doughnuts.
Rarity: Or the cash register.
> That's when it occured to me, Pinkie was a lot like my younger
> sister;
Rainbow Dash: Short attention span and easily distracted by shiny things.
> so that also made me feel more at home around here.
>
> Suddenly a pain struck my left hind leg. I looked around to
> discover an Alligator hatchling gnawing at my Lion-like hind legs.
Pinkie Pie: Om nom nom!
>
> Pinkie suddenly zoomed out, gently grabbed hold of the baby
> Alligator and said that that was just her pet Alligator, named
> Gummy (dew to the fact he had no teeth yet).
Fluttershy: No, he has no teeth due to the Dew.
>
> To Be Continued
Pinkie Pie: We’ll be back to Commander Buzz Corey in Space Patrol after these words from Rice Chex, the Super Cereal!
[1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7]
[The bridge has been rearranged to resemble an odd mix between a lecture hall and meeting room. Rainbow Dash, oddly dressed in business casual and glasses, is next to a blackboard with rudimentary drawings of Glida and Griffy swacking at each other. In front of her was a horseshoe table where the rest of the ponies were seated. On the back wall was banner that simply said 'Welcome to Griffins and Griffinsplaining 101.']
Twilight Sparkle: Okay Rainbow Dash, you seem to know more about griffinsplaining that anyone else, can you tell us what it is?
Rainbow Dash: Well, some griffins have such a high and mighty view of themselves that they believe they know everything. And, in turn, they believe that everything else is ignorant compared to them. So they have to explain it to them in the most condescending, patronizing, annoying, and sometimes inaccurate ways possible.
[Rainbow Dash turns to the board, grabs a piece of chalk, and draws a pony talking to the chalk Griffy. She then draws the more swacking coming from Griffy.]
Rainbow Dash: Now it doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re at, or what you were doing. Once a griffin starts griffinsplaing, there’s no stopping them.
Rarity: What do you mean ‘no stopping them?’
Rainbow Dash: Trying to tell them that you already know about it doesn't work. You could be the expert at it, wrote the book about it, the whole nine yards. You obviously don't know anything about it, and the griffin will correct you on it. You could be in the middle of something important, like trying to stop a war, find a new type of magic, or even save some pony’s life. None of that is relevant. To a griffin, the griffinsplain is more important.
Applejack: What if they start griffinsplain’ and they're wrong?
Rainbow Dash: Goddess, that's worse. You try to tell them that they're wrong and they deny it. You point out why they're wrong, and they'll try and prove why they're right, regardless of facts, truth, or even basic logic. And if you wind up in a griffinsplain about the same thing sometime later on, they'll use the things you pointed out to them the first time around to make themselves right. And they'll never acknowledge that they were wrong and you were right. They were right the *entire time.*
Twilight Sparkle: Rainbow Dash, it sounds like you’ve dealt with this personally.
Rainbow Dash: There were a couple of griffins in my class at flight school. Most of them did it to one degree or other. Gilda did it once in awhile too. Not as often as Griffy, but still... *sigh* There was one time she went on and on about the perfect barrel roll, g-forces and everything about it. And she wouldn't stop, even after I asked her to... So I stuffed a sock in her mouth.
Twilight Sparkle: I think you mean you told her to put a sock in it.
Rainbow Dash: ... No, I literally stuffed a sock in her mouth.
[The others give Rainbow Dash varying looks of questionable approval of her action.]
Rainbow Dash ... What? She wouldn't shut up!
Fluttershy: Has there been a time when two griffins are trying to griffinsplain to each other?
Rainbow Dash: Well, if you're caught between the two...
[Rainbow Dash draws a pony clearly going insane standing between a jabbering Griffy and Gilda]
Rainbow Dash: Pray to everything good and kind that it's a short-lived griffinsplain. Or for death to come quickly. But if you see it from the sidelines though...
[Rainbow Dash erases the pony from before, the redraws it off to the side, reclining in a chair.]
Rainbow Dash: Well then, sit back and enjoy the show.
[The rest sit back for a moment, absorbing the information.]
Applejack: ... You know Dash, it kinda sounds like YOU were griffinsplaining just now.
Rainbow Dash: ... shut up.
[The lights and klaxon go off.]
Rainbow Dash: Oh hell, fanfic sign!
[7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1]
> C6: From Bad to Worse
Applejack: Oh, wait... Yep, that’s dread settling in right there.
>
> As I flew into the late afternoon, happened to notice a strange
> fortress-like structure in the distance outside of the jungle.
Rainbow Dash: And some pony in a tank top and short shorts jumping around on it.
>
> When flew over to it, I first read the sign, "WARNING: No
> trespassers unless we asked you to come around here. If we di'int,
> we is gonna let our pet Roc attack yous'.
Rainbow Dash: I threw a roc at him!
Fluttershy: ......
Rainbow Dash: ... It was a big roc...
> PS, welcome to the Ogre Stronghold".
Rarity: Wipe your feet.
>
> After I finished reading this sign, I went pale with fear, I hate
> Ogres and Rocs (huge Eagle-like Birds).
Twilight Sparkle: And the lessons learned in Gabbagon about befriending everyone sailed right over Griffy’s head.
>
> As I started to retreat, I spotted the Roc swoop down at me, and
> riding on it were 5 or 6 Lizard-like Creatures with Dog ears,
> Primate limbs with claws and spony tails, these were obviously the
> Ogres.
Pinkie Pie: No, these are the trolls, the prelude to the ogres.
> This was totally going to not end well.
Applejack: Griffy would try and make their deaths swift and painless, but it was not guaranteed.
>
> Luckily, the Orges and Roc stopped chasing me as soon as I was 30
> feet away from the fortress. They obviously don't like strangers.
Rarity: Well, the Swiss really don’t like anything.
Fluttershy: [Ogre] No, it’s this stupid invisible leash!
>
> As I trecked further, it got to be 10:00 PM at night.
>
> I decided that I would rest for the night at a tall stone wall
> surrounding what looked like another Pony nation on a highish
> mountain.
Pinkie Pie: [Chef] Why hello there fillies!
Applejack: Wrong mountain town.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The next morning, I woke up and decided that maybe this would be
> the place for my new home.
Rarity: [Griffy] It would take some redecorating, maybe get rid of all the ponies and it should be okay.
>
> But before I headed for the main entrace, I stopped and wondered if
> the Pony-folk around here would react the same way the other places
> had done to me.
Twilight Sparkle: Judging on your track record? Probably.
>
> So I found an old rubbish heap, and foraged through it for anything
> usefull.
Rainbow Dash: All the while fighting this homeless pony with no teeth.
> Bingo!, that's when I found a brown colored cloak just my
> size with a hood to hide my head. I put the thing on and said,
> "Time to finally be happy".
Rarity: By wearing garbage and looking like a bum?
Fluttershy: Sometimes it’s the little things.
>
> At the main entrace, there were white-colored Pegusus Ponies with
> golden armor standing there.
Pinkie Pie: Their laser beam eyes kill any who are unworthy of entering.
> They looked tuff and strict on letting just "anyone" in,
Applejack: Canterlot: World’s most exclusive club.
Twilight Sparkle: You ain’t on the list, you ain’t getting in.
> but I did managed to persuade them to let me in by saying that I
> had an urgent/personal telegram for their leader and that I was
> just a secret-acting mail dude.
Twilight Sparkle: [Guard] Who are you with?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Pony Express.
Twilight Sparkle: [Guard] Okay, you’re kosher. Head on in.
>
> But as I entered the kingdom/city place called "Canterlot", The
> guards who let me through did act a little suspicious about who and
> what I really was.
Rainbow Dash: The filth-ridden clothing you were wearing had nothing to do with it.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As I walked through Canterlot with the brown cloak on, I could not
> help but admire the very fancy shmancy buildings, fountains and
> statues everywhere.
Rarity: Because when you visit someplace high class as Canterlot, fancy schmancy is a phrase you want to use.
> I then got hungry, realizing that it was indeed time for some breakfast.
> I headed over to a place called "Pony Joe's".
Fluttershy: You just BS’ed the cops, and you decide to go to... a donut shop.
Pinkie Pie: Common sense? Buck that, there’s Bavarian Crèmes waiting to be eaten!
>
> Inside the shop was a not-as-fancy design as the rest of the city
> was, but it didn't bug me. I noticed some usual customers hanging
> out but guess what, they were all Ponies!
Rainbow Dash: (sarcastic) Ponies? In Canterlot? Stop the presses!
> No other species of anything was hanging out around here. This made
> me feel a little down that there really was not much equality with
> Ponies and other species in Canterlot,
Applejack: No, you want ethnicity. Equality would be an even and fair playing field.
Twilight Sparkle: I’m certain that Princess Celestia hasn’t started death camps and genocidal purges of non-ponies from the city. Well, not yet.
> but I decided to just get used to it. I walked right up to one of the
> spinning stools at the counter and sat in it.
Pinkie Pie: Wheee! The world goes around and around!
> A male Unicorn Pony walked up to me from the other side of the
> counter. He was in a fast food joint uniform and asked me for my
> order.
>
> "I'll take a doughnut", I said to him.
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta donuts!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any cinnamon rolls?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any apple fritters?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] No, we're outta apple fritters!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] You got any bear claws?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] ... Wait a minute, I'll go check......... No, we're outta bear claws!
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?
Twilight Sparkle: [pony] All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] ... OK, I'll take that.
>
> "Sure thing pal", he said to me in response and was back in seconds
> with a glazes doughnut, "By the way, did you know that I'm the guy
> who runs the place, Pony Joe"
Applejack: The sign wasn’t a give-a-way?
>
> I just shook my head as a way of saying "no" in response, eating
> the doughnut as well and drinking a glass of water that came with
> it.
Pinkie Pie: Yes, but can you do that AND make a dummy sing “Blue Danube” at the same time?
>
> "A lot of Ponies find it wierd for a manager to be also acting like
> an employee", he continued, "But some find it not creepy at all"
Rarity: I run my own boutique.
Twilight Sparkle: I run the library.
Applejack: I run my own farm.
Rainbow Dash: I’m head of weather control for Ponyville.
All: (sarcastic) Weird? Yeah, completely.
>
> "I don't thing it's out of the ordinary", I responded, "By the way,
> I like the look of this shop you have here except for all the
> obvious health code violations"
Applejack: Those aren’t rat turds, they’re flavor droppings.
>
> "Hehehe, I like you!", said Joe with a smile, "Nothing you say
> makes any sense!
Pinkie Pie: You’re like the chorus of Chelsea Dagger.
> PS,
Rarity: OMG, did you see what Pacific Rose was wearing last week?
> what's up with the brown-colored hooded cloak?"
Rainbow Dash: [Pony Joe] *sniff sniff* Ooooo, never mind.
>
> "You see", I said, "I am incognito because I don't know how
> Canterlot shall react to Creatures like myself"
Twilight Sparkle: He is the terror that flaps in the night.
Applejack: He stays crunchy even in milk
Fluttershy: He sparkles in sunlight.
>
> I then took my hood off to reveal my head and face. The other
> customers did not really seem to bother to look at me.
Fluttershy: A crowded coffee shop and suddenly no pony gives a damn?
Twilight Sparkle: Pony Joe’s got overrun by hipsters after he had WiFi installed.
Applejack: [hipster] I didn’t give a damn about things from the Everfree Forest before it was cool.
>
> "A small, brown Griffin eh?", said Joe, "I think I may have heard
> of your kind from school when I was a colt,
Fluttershy: A kookaburra.
Rarity: A dodo.
Rainbow Dash: A jackass.
> Pygmy Griffin was it?"
Twilight Sparkle: Better known as a Useless Griffin.
>
> "Correct Joe", I said, "Now how much do I need to pay for all this
> food and drink I got"
Pinkie Pie: Oh, just with your life.
>
> "It's Free Breakfast Day", replied Joe, "Free breakfast served on
> the 5th of every month.
Rainbow Dash: How bucking convenient!
Rarity: It would drive Pony Joe into the red if it weren’t such a big tax write-off.
> Oh, and watch out for the royal guards, they get really suspicious
> about guys like you"
Applejack: Joe can’t afford the extra hush money in this month’s kickback.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> After I departed Pony Joe's with my hooded brown cloak still on, I
> suddenly bumped into another Unicorn Pony; this time a teenage
> female of purple color.
Pinkie Pie: Dammit, leave Sparkler out of this.
> I did not really get a good look at her but I later on saw her more
> clearly, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Rarity: Now it stops you?
>
> "Sorry there sir", she said to me in very nice-sounding female
> voice, "I have to keep moving studying with books calls"
Applejack: So what’re you studying with books there Twi?
Twilight Sparkle: Hopefully proper grammar.
>
> "Right miss", I said, hiding my face in my hood, including my
> longish beak.
>
> "What are you doing with that filthy cloak over your body?",
Rainbow Dash: Probably won’t wash it until the Eagles get to the Super Bowl.
> she asked me in suspicion, "Are you even a Pony, 'cause you're pretty
> smal in shoulder heighth to have a mature voice like that"
Fluttershy: Cigarettes stunted his growth.
>
> I got worried, thinking she was finding out about me.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Dammit, the boys in Witness Protection are going to have my ass.
>
> "I won't really report you", she continued with a sweet laugh, "I'm
> just messing with you,
Pinkie Pie: [Twilight] I’ve had a wire on this whole time!
> but you're clearly not a Pony; you have a Lion-like tail"
>
> "That's because I'm a secret agent Mongoose born with a Lion-like
> tail", I fibbed, hoping she would not catch on, "Now I gotta now"
Fluttershy: He needs to find the whereabouts of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
>
> As I walked away, I could not help but admire that Pony's rate of
> intelligence being about at the same rate as mine and her kind
> personality.
Applejack: Someone’s got a bit of an ego.
Rainbow Dash: A two minute conversation and he knows all about our resident egghead.
> Like I said before, I soon got to know her a little more.
Twilight Sparkle: Note to self: Have Spike up the security at the library.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> The market-place I was walking through a little later on was very
> unique looking, with very interesting looking products on sale, not
> just food but also jewelery.
Rarity: Come one, come all! Get your finely made crap here!
>
> Just then, my cloak accidently got caught on some merhcant's
> spiny-covered head dress and ripped right off of me, revealing
> myself to the public. "Oh dear", I said outloud, "Expossed!"
Fluttershy: And TMZ is already there.
>
> That's when those very same Pegasus guards I had met from earlier
> (joined by some brown-colored Unicorn Pony guards this time)
> charged towards me, with plenty more guards surrounding from all
> directions, blocking off all my escapes including above me, for the
> Pegasi were flying overhead.
Pinkie Pie: Damn, a sting!
Applejack: [guard] Come out with your claws up and ego down!
>
> "From our grand-sized library", spoke one of the Pony guards in a
> very serious tone,
Fluttershy: Its Masterpiece Theater!
> "We have learned many things about the world, including the
> EverFree Forest inhabitants".
Rarity: [guard] You send out penile enhancement spam.
>
> "So?", I asked confused.
>
> "Pygmy Griffins are from the EverFree Forest, which makes you an
> evil-minded Beast and a threat to all of Horsekind!", he exclaimed
> fiercely.
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, but does he weigh more than a duck?
>
> Just then, all the guards got out nets, ropes, cuffs and chains and
> attacked me with those many objects. I was then a prisoner clearly.
Fluttershy: Or an upstanding member in a S&M club.
>
> As one of the guards started to place another chain on my body, I
> yelled, "Take your stinking hooves off of me you dang-darn dirty
> Horse!".
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] You will pry my griffinsplaing from my cold dead hands!
>
> I moped as the guards took me in those uncomfortable shackles, that
> were attached to all four of my legs and even my torso, to the
> largest and most fanciest building in Canterlot, the headquaters of
> their leader.
Applejack: The “Hot to Trot Club” ... The buck?
> I was scared like mad as we entered.
Pinkie Pie: And he’s not going to take it anymore!
Rarity: Actually he’s probably going to wind up taking it like a prison bitch.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C7: My New Hope
Twilight Sparkle: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
Rainbow Dash: If you can read this, you don’t need glasses.
Pinkie Pie: And Pierce... Well, who gives a buck about Pierce.
>
> I was taken, all chained up and stuff, into the palace throne room
> of the leader of Canterlot (in fact, the ruler of all of Equestria
> itself), Princess Celestia.
Twilight Sparkle: [Molestia] Hmmm, griffin. Wonder if they taste like chicken...
> She had got to be one of the most amazing sight I had ever seen in my
> life, period.
Applejack: [Griffy] A girl huh huh huh...
> She looked alot like a combination of all the 3 kinds of Ponies in
> one and even (well, in a way, since i'm a different species) kinda
> beautiful to look at.
Rarity: Do not stare directly at the Celestia. Doing so could cause permanent retinal damage.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I seen like an orange... her aura or whatever. I seen it. It was orange.
>
> "Your royal majesty", said one of the guards after they had done a
> small bow to her,
Rainbow Dash: Followed by a pop and lock, and then rock it back.
> "We caught this Creature from the EverFree Forest in the square
> just now. How should we perform the execution on this small-
> sized, brown-colored Griffin your highness?". From what that
> guard guy said I gulped and nearly fainted.
Applejack: [Celestia] Let’s see, it’s Thursday so that means... Ah, feed him apples until he bursts!
>
> "Has this Being actually done anything wrong?", asked the princess
> in the most peaceful/serious/kind voice I had ever heard.
Rainbow Dash: [Guard] He’s been griffinsplaining ma’am.
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] Off with his head!
>
> "Not really, but it was acting suspicious, wearing a brown cloak
> to hide itself in, and probably even planning on killing you", the
> guard said.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] No I wasn’t!
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] ... What about now?
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Well, kind of since you said~
Pinkie Pie: [Guard] See!
>
> Celestia took a good look at me while sitting on her throne.
Rarity: A lot of ponies make their best decisions on the throne.
> She could see me very sad and miserable on the inside and that
> I had gone through a lot of trouble to find civilized shelter.
Twilight Sparkle: Passing up several other civilized shelters to get here.
Applejack: The puppy dog eyes are helping.
>
> "I sense this Pygmy Griffin is in great pain, both physically and
> emotionally", she said in a rather reasonable tone.
Rarity: [Celestia] And he smells like a septic tank.
>
> "Wait!", cried one of the guards, looking conserned, "He's already
> brainwashing you Princess! Brainwashing you with his psycho-mind
> powers from the EverFree Forest!"
Rainbow Dash: Watch it! He may start head stomping and scissor kicking at any time!
>
> Celestia could tell clearly that guards were becoming paranoid
> about the unknown.
Twilight Sparkle: You should see when somepony tries to put actual knowledge in their heads.
>
> "Unlock his shackles and leave this room without him please", she
> said.
>
> As the guards unlocked my chain shackles and left the room, they
> said to her, "You'll be sorry your majesty".
Fluttershy: Your comeuppance will soon be here...
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As soon as me and the princess were alone, she asked me to come up
> to her throne.
Rainbow Dash: [Celestia] Bring the plunger; I had Mexican.
> I took only one step before hiding my face with wings. I had both
> fear and sadness, for I was not trusting any Ponies right then.
>
> "Don't be frightened", she said to me gently, "I won't harm you,
> you are very safe now".
Rarity: [Celestia] Now hopefully luring you into this false sense of security will work to my advantage.
>
> And with that, I strangely started to believe her. I approached her
> throne cautiously as she asked politly for me to sit near her side.
> As I settled down right next to her, I felt my fear and sadness
> begin to go away. I felt strangely peaceful, safe and comforted by
> this Pony's presense by my side.
Pinkie Pie: Celestia is the Jesus Pony.
Twilight Sparkle: Also there was a strange urge to eat cold pizza and drink Mountain Dew.
>
> "You know what?", I said in a very week voice, "I think this might
> be the place for me".
Applejack: Until they fumigate.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C8: The Royal Life
Fluttershy: Next on Disney.
>
> For the following few weeks, I was one of Princess Celestia's
> pupils. A pupil she kept a secret from everthing else.
Pinkie Pie: Sore wa himi~ {Promptly whapped by Twilight}
Twilight Sparkle: No.
>
> While living In the throne room, I read a lot of magazines writen
> by the famous represenative of Canterlot's fashion world, a male
> Earth Pony named Hoity Toity.
Rarity: And the other magazines about Hoity Toity’s exploits with other stallions.
> I also would turn on the radio and listen to classical music being
> performed by the famous female Earth Pony, Octavia.
Rainbow Dash: Needs more dub step.
> I also happened to notice that she had a pet Phoenix, named
> Philomena. I was rather annoyed with this Bird, for she was like
> scaring me with little fiery sparks of flame from her feathers just for
> laughs.
>
> "I've got 3 words for you Birdie!", I exclaimed to Philomena,
Fluttershy: Eat at Joe’s?
Rarity: This is PNN?
Applejack: Just do it?
Twilight Sparkle: Who dares wins?
Rainbow Dash: Seize the day?
Pinkie Pie: Misty’s awesome rack?
> "Dinner is Served!".
Fluttershy: We have a lovely entrée of lemon bird seed salad, followed by light braised hickory smoked worms.
>
> And with that, I grabbed hold of her and tried to shove her down my
> throat (even though she was a little large for my mouth)
Twilight Sparkle: Oh yes, let’s swallow something that’s *on fire*.
> until she got out of me by making me cough out fire and fire-
> colored feathers.
Rainbow Dash: Usually the other end of me is feeling that whenever I eat something spicy.
> As soon as she was out, Philomena gave me the cold shoulder.
>
> I then felt a little guilty for trying to swallow and consume her
> at first.
Rarity: After that feeling worn off, he tried to eat her again.
>
> "Now now you two", said the sweet and spectacular voice of
> Celestia, "You both are technically the cause of this feud now
> apoligize please".
Applejack: Because nothing is ever Griffy’s fault alone.
>
> "S-S-S-Sorry", I mumbled, stammered and moaned to the Phoenix and
> just like that, she flew over and hugged me with her wings, which I
> guess was her also saying she was sorry and that she accepted my
> apology.
Pinkie Pie: Or sizing you up for an Argentinean spine buster.
> That hug, however, made my body temperature rise due to
> Philomena being a Phoenix with fire powers.
Twilight Sparkle: Realization: Not just for breakfast anymore!
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> A few other times I was kept a secret from the public, was when
> Celestia's 1# student, a teenage female Unicorn Pony named Twilight
> Sparkle, would come into the throne room to speak with her mentor
> about stuff.
Twilight Sparkle: Stuff and things and junk. It’s just so (valley-girl sigh) BOOORE-RING.
Fluttershy: [Twilight] Princess? Who’s that behind your throne?
Rarity: [Celestia] Him? Oh, just the janitor. Humor him, he thinks he’s important.
> That's when I realized that Twilight was indeed that female Pony I
> met near Pony Joe's when I first came to Canterlot.
Applejack: He no longer had to stalk those other purple unicorns!
> So little did Twilight know was that her mentor's second best
> student being kept a secret from her, that secret second best
> student was me.
Fluttershy: So who’s the secret best student then?
Twilight Sparkle: Some flake named Harry Trotter. And that’s only because his parents make clopping huge donations to the school every year.
>
> I one day learned something on my own, me and Twilight are around
> the same age if we were the same species.
Fluttershy: But Griffy’s age in pygmy griffin years puts him at 7.
Rainbow Dash: Rock the cradle of love Twilight.
> Another thing I discovered was that we seemed to have some sort
> of connection with each other, even though she never saw me while I
> lived with Celestia.
Rarity: Awww, someone’s been collecting locks of somepony’s mane.
Twilight Sparkle: ... Note to self: ADD GUARD DOGS TOO.
>
> One day, as Twilight (or as I sometimes call her, Ms. Sparkle)
Pinkie Pie: She cleans, she disinfects, and she leaves a streak-free shine!
> was leaving the throne room after a rather short study report with
> her baby Mountain Dragon friend, Spike, one of the large hanging
> diamond decoration was starting to fall down towards her due to its
> chain being rusty. I quickly swooped overhead and grabbed the
> diamond thing before it even hit Twilight
Rainbow Dash: The rest continued its descent, crushing and killing Sparkle.
Twilight Sparkle: Worth it.
> and she never noticed as she went through the door.
Pinkie Pie: [Kool-Aid man] Oh YEAH!
Rarity: Things dropping on you, going through doors. Something amiss Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: I’m a little accident prone today.
>
> Celestia was impressed by my flying skills and thought she could
> teach me how to fly even higher than ever (pratically out of the
> atmosphere)
Rainbow Dash: Look, I can reach the thermosphere! There’s no oxygen up here! Wait... Urk, choke, dead.
> and I would not loose my stamina. We tried it out and it mostly worked
> out for me, i'm telling you; I had never felt so alive while flying ever.
Applejack: Save for that one time with those Luna tabs.
>
> "Focus now Griffy", said Celestia as a thunderstorm was approaching,
> "This shall be a perfect opportunity for you to master great flight,
> the weather factory must have had a malfunction but I actually kind
> of like independent storms and other sorts of nature like you do.
Fluttershy: The wind, the hail, the millions of bits in property damage.
> Now anyways, focus please"
Rainbow Dash: Insert barrel roll joke here.
>
> "I'm trying", I called to her as the rain, wind and thunder came
> through.
Rarity: Do or do not, but whine like a bitch you must.
>
> "Remember, my second best student!", called Celestia, "In weather
> like this, don't use your eyes, use your stomach"
Twilight Sparkle: Puke! Puke like a college freshman!
>
> As I tried my best with my stomach, I suddenly felt something. It
> was a feeling of being relaxed and my eyes were slowly beginning to
> shut as I swooped though the storm perfectly.
Pinkie Pie: Fly Griffy! Fly like the greats! Fly like Puma Man!
>
> Once me and Celestia headed back to the palace in her bedroom to
> get ourselves dryed off,
Rainbow Dash: Bow-chica-bow-wow.
> I could not help but wonder at Celestia's power at being able to
> just make all the rain water all over herself poof away like magic
> while I had to use a towl.
Applejack: Moving the sun? Meh. Drying yourself off? OH SHIT SON.
> She then accidently fired a beam of magic at me while attempted
> to telekinize my towl away and accidenlty turned me into a Toad.
Fluttershy: Your princess is in another castle.
Twilight Sparkle: Our goddess everypony. Omnipotent magical powers, crap for aim.
> She quickly changed me back to a Pygmy Griffin and apologized for
> her mistake.
Rarity: [Celestia] Oh, I’m sorry; I meant to turn you into something a tad more... likable. So let’s go back to the toad!
>
> "Well the sum to the square root of your powers should be
> accurately 24x55+666 including the square root of pi plus a large
> amount of atomic coordinates with accurate proportion",
Applejack: Suddenly, out of the flank, comes algebra!
> I suddenly rambled out, "Whoa! Viingizui! What just happened how
> did I know all that?"
Twilight Sparkle: Studying with books paid off.
>
> "That accidental beam may have increased your intelligence", said
> Celestia with a guilty expression.
Rainbow Dash: [Celestia] Dammit, I was hoping to erase him from existence.
>
> "Where's the upendoha in knowledge?", asked Griffy, "It's actually
> everywhere in logic. PS,
Pinkie Pie: Don’t forget: Six o’clock.
> "upendoha" means "love" in my language, Gabbagonian"
Twilight Sparkle: You do realize who you’re telling this to, right?
Rainbow Dash: The griffinsplain knows no social or royal status.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> On one clear evening, the Canterlot council meeting was going to be
> held.
Rarity: [council member] Well gentlecolts... How can we screw over the working class today?
> Even though I did not take part in this meeting Celestia had
> to attend to, I still had to prepare the place before any Ponies
> could see me.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Let’s see... StealthBuck: Check. Grappling line and overhead gargoyles: Check. Cardboard box: Check.
> I went back upstairs to ask Celestia if anything else needed to
> be done.
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I TAkE cArE oF thE PlacE WHilE ThE CelESTia Is AwAy.
> When I found her, she was using some of her powers to telekinize
> a brush to come her mane in the mirror.
Rarity: Pesky manes. They only come for the brush.
>
> "You women are always trying to beautify yourselves", I said
> jokingly.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] When we all know you’re supposed to stay in the house at all times.
>
> "That we do", Celestia chuckled, "Now remember Griffy, everything
> must be perfect because the Canterlot council guys are pretty
> strict on most things.
Rarity: Save for the sacred vow of marriage.
> But don't try to hard or you'll hurt yourself"
Rainbow Dash: Half-ass it and you should be fine.
>
> "You sure are very merciful", I said.
Applejack: [Celestia] I sure am! That’s why I’m turning you to stone after dinner.
>
> "I'm not a Great Pony for nothing", she replied.
>
> "One last thing to ask before I go back to preparing the meeting
> room", I said, "Why do have the title of princess, because with the
> stuff you do and everything; should'nt that make you a queen. Queen
> Celestia sounds a lot better than Princess Celestia. I mean seriously.
> Viingizui, it's so odd"
Twilight Sparkle: Queen Celestia is only for “private time.”
>
> "What makes you wonder that?", asked Celestia, hoping I would not
> catch onto anything personal.
Rainbow Dash: Buck that, let’s press on like an idiot!
>
> "Maybe you kept the title of princess just because it sounds cute",
> I said with a jokingly serious face, "You're a queen! QUEEN IT UP
> LADY!
Applejack: [Griffy] Takes some authority! Queen it up bitch!
Fluttershy & Rarity: Work, turn to the left, work, now turn to the right, work, sashay chantey.
>They don't all have to look like old hags, you can still be
> pretty"
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] They’re doing wonders with plastic surgery these days!
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] ... You want to be placed in the garden permanently, don’t you?
>
> "The truth is that my grandmother called me that before she died
> and I kept the title ever since so I can primarily remember her,
> but I'll tell you that story some other time", she said,
Rarity: [Celestia] When I’m less sober.
> "Now please prepare the council room"
Pinkie Pie: Vader will soon be here.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C9: On the Road Again
Applejack: Willie Neighlson you’re not.
Rainbow Dash: Wish I could be smoking those funny little cigarettes like Willie.
>
> A few weeks later, Celestia decided that it would be best if I
> better leave Canterlot because the guards were like way to paranoid
> about me. She also told me I could not be a secret from the rest of
> the kingdom forever.
Twilight Sparkle: [Celestia] There’s only room for one pony’s awesomeness here, and that’s... Well, I just gave it away, now didn’t I?
>
> "I believe I know of the one place where you truely belong", she
> told me sweetly, "You will also make great friends there"
Fluttershy: They will call you Norm.
>
> When I heard her say of this place that I could officially call
> home, I got so excited inside that my heart started to beat
> rapidly.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] Urg, too many burritos...
Twilight Sparkle: No, that’s cardiac arrest Griffy.
>
> "These things should help you on your way there", she said as she
> gave me a medalion to put around my neck as well as summoning over
> a large group of these mysterious-looking, rainbow-colored
> Butterflies.
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] Why does the medallion look like a screwed-up yellow Sonic the Hedge~
Rarity: [Celestia] Don’t worry about that, and just follow the butterflies, mmmkay?
>
> "What will all this do for me?", I asked, "How will this help find
> a home and a Rafipili or two? PS,
Fluttershy: Do I need to bring lube?
> "Rafipili" is Gabbagonian for "friend""
Pinkie Pie: [Celestia] Hi. God pony, maker of this place, knower of everything?
Applejack: [Griffy] Yeah, but~
Pinkie Pie: [Celestia] GOD. PONY.
>
> "The Butterflies shall lead you and the medalion will glow brighter
> the closer you get to this place I speak of", she explained.
Rainbow Dash: Is she trying to be weird and mysterious?
Twilight Sparkle: No, she's probably trying to get rid of Griffy and that medallion in one shot.
>
> I was still a tiny bit puzzled, but I decided to just go with it.
>
> "Does this mean we will never see each other again?", I asked
> worryingly.
>
> "Oh don't worry", she explained politely, "You will see me again
> from time to time.
Rarity: The propaganda department works its flank off.
> You see, I often go from nation to nation all around Equestria,
> doing some royal buisness,
Twilight Sparkle: Marriages, declarations, mass beheadings.
> so you might see me again soon"
>
> "Really?", I replied.
Applejack: [Trollestia] ... Nope.
>
> "In fact", she continued, "A week from now, I will be visiting this
> place you are going to for the Summer Sun Celebration. It's were I
> make the sun shine brighter than during its rising.
Twilight Sparkle: The sun shines brighter then during rising, like it already does? Besides, I think we’re missing some comparison story... and why does my head feel like it should explode?
Fluttershy: Don’t let it; I don’t think we have any spare heads in storage.
> For you see, that day shall be the day after the longest day of the
> year".
>
> "Thank's or as we say back in Gabbagon, Asanhalo", a replied
> gleefully, and departed Canterlot.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, it’s the reason I usually have my TV muted while playing videogames: Ass on Halo.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> As I flew through the city with the madalion and the Butterflies,
> searching for the exit,
Twilight Sparkle: Man, unmarked exits. Fire marshal will shut Canterlot down for that infraction.
> the guards constantly glared at me.
Pinkie Pie: Worst game of hide and seek EVER.
>
> "That's right, you'd better get lost", hissed one of them.
>
> "If you ever show your EverFree Forest face anywhere around these
> here parts ever again", said another one, who then pretended to cut
> his own throat (of course a threat to me).
Pinkie Pie: Or he’s a huge mark for the Undertaker.
Fluttershy: Followed by a few more signs that we cannot show at this time.
>
> "Kwa-herha, boys", I said to them, "That's 'goodbye' in my
> language, Gabbagonian"
Applejack: As far as you know.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So yeah, I started to follow the Butterflies to this new nation
> that could be the place for me. Of course, as I followed the Bugs,
> the medalion was getting brighter and brighter the further me and
> the Insects got.
Rarity: [Griffy] I have to wonder why it’s ticking though.
>
> When night fell, both me and the Butterflies slept in a Tree for
> the night.
>
> I woken up by that Butterfly flock at dawn and I was a little
> annoyed by that, but I had to get used to it.
Applejack: Who knew that actually doing things was so hard.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Later in the morning, the Butterflies stopped flying, formed their
> flock together into a shape that said, "You Are Here Pal!".
Pinkie Pie: Welcome to New Jersey.
> After that, they formed another shape that said, "You Don't Need
> Us No More, We'll Be Heading Back To Canterlot Now Yo".
Rainbow Dash: [Butterflies] We’s be going to pollinate flowers and shiznit.
> As as those weird Bugs flew back the way we came, I suddenly
> noticed that the medalion was going brighter than ever and thus,
> it poofed away like magic.
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, it was more of a bang. Then he was left temporarily blind and deaf.
>
> I egerly looked to see the place that was indeed my destined home,
> and there it was.
Pinkie Pie: Mordor! Who says you can’t walk there.
> I was a small town of Ponies that looked quite friendly and
> neighborly and not just Ponies, I noticd that their were a few
> other species living in the town as well, mostly pets but also
> ones that were being treated like neighbors, such as Robins,
> Jays, Cattle and Pigs.
Fluttershy: Each one only counted as 2/3rds of a vote.
> Even the sign saying the town's name made me feel happy,
> "Ponyville" it said.
>
> "I'm home!" I thought to myself outloud with sheer joy. I then
> started to chant happy songs to myself in my native, Gabbagonian
> language.
Twilight Sparkle: Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu Ponyville wgah'nagl fhtagn!
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C10: First Impressions
Rarity: It hasn’t been a good one.
>
> The first thing to happen to me, a Pygmy Griffin living in Ponyville
> now, was to be greeted my the mayor who just happened to pass by
> me and then notice my presence.
Rainbow Dash: [Mayor] Crap, this isn’t another fake voter name I used that turned out to be a real person again, is it?
> She was a very loyal-looking Earth Pony mare and she seemed to be
> eger to accept me as a new resident of this here town.
Applejack: [Mayor] Oh good, another taxpayer to bilk!
>
> "Hello and welcome to Ponyville sir", she said to me in a rather
> polite tone, "I'm the current mayor and I can tell right away that
> you are totally looking for a place to stay"
Twilight Sparkle: [Mayor] We’ll put you in a municipal building, like everyone else who moves here!
>
> "You got it!", I said, "Name's Griffy, I am a Pygmy Griffin".
>
> Pretty soon, the mayor started to tour me around a bit of the town.
> She never really seemed to ask where I was originally from, so I
> decided not to tell her.
Applejack: One out of five ain’t... No, wait, one out of five is bad.
Twilight Sparkle: Sure, blurting out answers to~
Pinkie Pie: 42!
Twilight Sparkle: ... Questions no pony~
Rainbow Dash: Absolute zero!
Twilight Sparkle: ... asked just completely~
Fluttershy: The Locks of Norbury!
Twilight Sparkle: ... Out of the blue is~
Rarity: Blue Sapphires!
Twilight Sparkle: ... perfectly normal.
>
> "Oops!", said the mayor as she spotted Ponyville's clock tower,
> spotting what time it was, "I got to do some paperwork now. I'll
> let you tour yourself around Griffy"
Rarity: I’m sure he’ll find the seedy underbelly and more panicky citizens soon.
Pinkie Pie: He does have a knack for it.
>
> "Sure thing", I called as she started to trot away.
>
> "I'll also sign a few sheets for you to be an official citizen!",
> she called back.
Twilight Sparkle: Mostly documents that’ll allow her to take your stuff via imminent domain.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> I flew on top of one the building to get a good view of the town.
> Suddenly, just 2 minutes after I had reached the top, some blue,
> Pony-sized object zoomed through the air, with a rainbow-colored
> trail behind it,
All: (singing) Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan Nyan…
> accidently getting me caught on this speeding thing.
>
> "Whoa!..", said the object, "...looks like I caught another
> bystander by accident again"
Applejack: [object] 75 points for me!
>
> The object stopped and I fell of into a puddle of mud. I opened my
> eyes and looked up to see what that zooming thing was, a blue-
> colored teenage Pegasus Pony with a rainbow-colored mane and
> tail.
Rainbow Dash: [Griffy] These drugs from Manehatten are really starting to wig me out man.
>
> "Name's Rainbow Dash!", she said to me, "What's yours?"
>
> "Griffy, I'm a Griffin, Pygmy species", I said as I got myself out
> of the mud and shook the brown stuff off of me like a Dog.
>
> That's when Rainbow (or Ms. Dash as I sometimes call her)
Pinkie Pie: Mmmmm, spicy!
> started bragging about how cool her flight stunts were. She even
> told me of she was a the 1# fan of the Wonderbolts. I told her
> that I was also a fan as well.
>
> "Sure hope we can hang out again some other time Griff", she said
> to me in a rather pleased voice.
Rarity: [Rainbow Dash] I’m open right around the Twelfth of Never.
>
> "See ya", I said, and continued my self-guided tour.
Applejack: [Griffy] And as I look out to my left, I’ll see the Quills and Sofas store...
>
> "Wait a minute!", said Rainbow landing on the ground in front of
> me, "You say you're a Griffin, yet you don't look like the Griffins
> I've seen before"
Fluttershy: Outside of that one acid trip.
>
> "That's probably you've seen Giant Griffins, the larger; more well-
> known variety of Griffin", I responded, "We Pygmy Griffins are
> a little more rarer. Also, you can also see one big species
> difference; outside the body size, beak length and coloration"
>
> "And what might that be", she asked, acting quite interested.
Applejack: An aura of smarm that can crush towns.
>
> "Our ears", I said, twitching my ears to show her,
Twilight Sparkle: Because the rest of that stuff? Not as noticeable as *the ears.*
> "Giant Griffins have small, Bird-like ears and we Pygmy Griffins have
> longish, Mammal-like ears. You could say that Pygmy Griffin ears are
> Kangaroo-like in a way"
Fluttershy: Minus the actual awesomeness of a kangaroo.
>
> "Well, I gotta go now", said Rainbow Dash
Applejack: [Rainbow Dash] I’ve got more interesting things to do!
> and she flew off with me just sitting on the ground, watching her fly
> away. I realized that I made a friend finally and that made me feel so
> happy inside.
Rainbow Dash: Another two minute conversation and he’s already ‘IDK My BFF RbD?’
Pinkie Pie: [Griffy] The connection was *there* man.
>
> That's I realized that Rainbow was a lot like my older brother.
Applejack: Minus the hitting, verbal abuse, and the penis.
> That made me feel more at home here in Ponyville in a way.
>
> To Be Continued
>
> C11: Everything’s Pink
Rarity: You need to remove those rose-colored glasses then.
>
> I stopped by a convenient-looking bakery called "Sugar Cube
> Corner". I decide that I would get some breakfest here since it was
> still morning and I had not really eaten yet.
Fluttershy: Remember kids, every good nutritional breakfast starts with a heaping helping of sugar.
Rainbow Dash: Barring that, high fructose corn syrup.
>
> As soon as I walked through the door, I was ammediently greeted by
> some crazy-acting, teenage, female Earth Pony.
Pinkie Pie: Dammit Twist! I thought I told her not to do that.
[The other ponies just look away and whistle innocently]
> I also took extreme note that she was entirely pink-colored; as well
> as having a puffy-looking mane and tail.
>
> "Hi there! Hi there! Hi There!", she exclaimed in a really fast and
> excited tone, "I'm Pinkamena Diane Pie! You can call me just Pinkie
> Pie or Pinkie!"
Twilight Sparkle: [Pinkie Pie] Hello, my name is Pinkie Pie. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Now, offer me cupcakes.
>
> "Yeah, yeah sure", I said, trying to get away from this nutty
> Steed. I tried to explain to her who and what I was, but Pinkie
> kept on just bouncing around the store and eating cupcakes.
>
> "Ms. Pie!", I demmanded, "Enough of this foolishness or I'll..."
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I’ll cut you man!
Pinkie Pie: Meh, been there, done that.
Rarity: [Griffy] I’ll kidnap your family!
Pinkie Pie: Old hat.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] I will give you this… Sugar-free gum!
Pinkie Pie: *GASP* ... You... FIEND.
>
> "Let us handle this", said two very reasonable acting Earth Pony
> adults that had just come out of the kitchen, "Mr. & Mrs. Cake at
> your service sir".
Rainbow Dash: They are the A-Team.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> So after a short negotiation to make Pinkie calm the hay down,
Applejack: What would it cost to make you calm down?
Pinkie Pie: Enough Red Pony to choke... well, a horse?
Rarity: ... I think that would have the opposite effect.
> I finally got introduced properly to Pinkie and Mr. and Mrs. Cake
> (who were the two owners of this bakery and hypothetically Pinkie's
> aunt and uncle, I don't know if they really were her aunt and uncle
> so yeah).
Twilight Sparkle: Next we will be hearing from Professor Hoppinscotch and his theories on quantum family mechanics.
>
> I even sighed up for a part time job at this bakery known as Sugar
> Cube Corner as the dishwasher.
Applejack: [Pinkie Pie] Unpossible! I lick those clean myself.
>
> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
>
> Just when I was about to leave, Pinkie zoomed right over to me and
> said while huggin me to hard, "You look like you need to party
> Griff-o-reeno"
Rainbow Dash: [Pinkie Pie] C’mon, I rock with Nunu, Dashie kicks flank with Kennen, and Fluttershy’s Maokai is unstoppable.
>
> "Now I don't think will be needed Pinkie", I replied.
Pinkie Pie: No, with a Pinkie Pie party either you come to the party or the party comes to you.
Twilight Sparkle: A lesson learned the hard way.
>
> "But you have like got to join one of my parties", she said,
> "They're fun! There's candy, cake, balloons, music, dancing.."
>
> "ALL RIGHT! I GET IT!", I roared with extreme annoyance.
Rainbow Dash: Rage quit in 3, 2...
>
> "Oh wait, sorry for outbursting ther Pink", I apologized
> desperetly.
Applejack: As a man, Griffy’s not allowed to have feelings.
>
> "Well You should really come to one of my Parties some time
> Griffy", she offered.
Rarity: [Pinkie Pie] Even if someone drags you to it, kicking and screaming.
>
> At first, I was a little not too okay with the offer, until she
> gave me the plead look with her eyes while making a cute sound
> with her voice.
Rainbow Dash: How do you do that anyway Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: What do you think I use all that sugar for?
>
> "Fine...", I finally said. That's when I relized I still had not
> had breakfest yet.
Fluttershy: [Griffy] Tell me you’ve got cereal with copious amounts of marshmallows in it?
Applejack: [Pinkie Pie] We’ve got cereal that had its marshmallows removed by some unseen force. ¬_¬
>
> Somehow, Pinkie could hear my stomach growl, so she zipped over to
> the kitchen and was soon back with a box of powedered doughnuts.
>
> "Thank's Pink!", I said as I started to eat the doughnuts and
> continued talking with mouth slightly full, "I'll try to come by
> one of your parties some time"
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] I promise not to pass out on your front lawn.
Rarity: [Pinkie Pie] Can you also promise not to puke on the rug?
Twilight Sparkle: [Griffy] Let’s not push it.
>
> And with that, Pinkie let out a squeal of joy and started hopping
> aroud the store happily.
Twilight Sparkle: Caution: Pinkie Pie may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Rarity: Pinkie Pie contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Applejack: If Pinkie Pie begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Fluttershy: Pinkie Pie may stick to certain types of skin.
Rainbow Dash: Ingredients of Pinkie Pie include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Equestria, presumably from outer space.
Pinkie Pie: Do not taunt Pinkie Pie.
> Just then, I knew it was a good time to leave the store while she
> was distracted by her happiness. Of course I did'nt leave without
> the powdered doughnuts.
Rarity: Or the cash register.
> That's when it occured to me, Pinkie was a lot like my younger
> sister;
Rainbow Dash: Short attention span and easily distracted by shiny things.
> so that also made me feel more at home around here.
>
> Suddenly a pain struck my left hind leg. I looked around to
> discover an Alligator hatchling gnawing at my Lion-like hind legs.
Pinkie Pie: Om nom nom!
>
> Pinkie suddenly zoomed out, gently grabbed hold of the baby
> Alligator and said that that was just her pet Alligator, named
> Gummy (dew to the fact he had no teeth yet).
Fluttershy: No, he has no teeth due to the Dew.
>
> To Be Continued
Pinkie Pie: We’ll be back to Commander Buzz Corey in Space Patrol after these words from Rice Chex, the Super Cereal!
[1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - 6 - 7]
HTML Comment Box is loading comments...